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Trapped On My Bathroom Floor for 2 Years

We're All Insane

Mon Oct 06 2025

Summary

Podcast Summary:
We’re All Insane — “Trapped On My Bathroom Floor for 2 Years”
Guest: Sally | Date: October 6, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Sally shares her harrowing story of living with severe emetophobia (fear of vomiting) and agoraphobia (fear of leaving safe spaces), which led her to spend up to two years largely confined to her bathroom floor. With raw honesty and vulnerability, Sally walks listeners through the origins of her mental health struggles, multiple mental health crises, suicide attempts, her path through medication, isolation, and ultimately, her ongoing path to healing and reclaiming her life. Themes of hope, resilience, and the power of communication and support networks are woven throughout.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Early Anxiety and Childhood Trauma

Background:
- Sally grew up in North Carolina and Texas with a close attachment to her mother and a largely absent, workaholic father. She developed severe separation anxiety at a young age (00:00).
- Her anxiety further developed into obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and emetophobia after witnessing vomiting in a movie at age four (00:50).
School Challenges:
- Sally struggled to even enter school without her mother and recalls physically hiding under her mother’s desk at school (01:50).
- Therapy was ineffective in childhood, and medications were not common for young kids then.

2. First Major Crisis and Inpatient Experience

Adolescent Decline:
- In 2019, at age 15, Sally spiraled into a deep depression and planned her suicide after upcoming trips, feeling “anger that I was alive” (03:26).
Interrupted Attempt:
- A botched suicide attempt with her dad's gun is inadvertently interrupted by her brother, leading to a full family intervention and hospitalization (04:11).
- Quote: “Part of me was mad that they found me, but because I showed them the gun... part of me did not want to die, was too scared to die.” (05:02)
Inpatient Hospitalization:
- Sally describes the terror and stigma of being admitted to a mental health hospital, including “night screamers” and traumatic incidents among other inpatients (06:55–10:45).
- She was first put on Prozac, then switched to Lexapro after adverse reactions, and began to “fake” wellness to hasten discharge (10:54–11:54).
Aftermath and Self-Injury:
- Following release, she self-harms again, narrowly avoiding readmission. The experience left visible scars, prompting shame and school rumors (13:50–14:49).

3. Pandemic Isolation and Agoraphobia’s Emergence

Temporary Improvement:
- Lexapro helps Sally regain some social life just before COVID-19, but the pandemic triggers a drastic regression (14:49–15:50).
- Social isolation intensifies; panic attacks begin to occur every time she leaves home, leading rapidly to avoidance behavior and social withdrawal (18:32–19:31).
Agoraphobia Onset:
- Sally’s anxiety worsens to severe agoraphobia; she cannot attend school, quits cheerleading, burns through jobs, and loses touch with friends, missing 65 days her senior year (26:11–28:23).

4. Life “Trapped” on the Bathroom Floor

Downward Spiral:
- While planning for college, Sally’s anxiety peaks. She agrees to a gap year. This is when she first begins sleeping on the bathroom floor, unable to leave for months at a time (33:40–35:51).
Isolation and Deterioration:
- She self-isolates, only leaves the bathroom to get food at night when family can’t see her. Eating becomes difficult and she loses significant weight (36:05–37:56).
Medication Struggles:
- Lexapro suddenly becomes ineffective; she is cycled through several medications (lamotrigine, propranolol, Xanax) but often refuses new meds due to fear of vomiting as a side effect (45:26–46:49).
Delusion and Panic:
- Sally develops medical anxieties (e.g., dizziness, vertigo), becomes fixated on catastrophic health searches, and descends into religious fears and existential anxieties (47:25–50:00).

5. Physical Health Crisis as Turning Point

Severe Illness:
- A kidney stone leads to hospitalization and surgery. For three weeks, the physical pain ironically silences her dizziness (58:33–59:33).
- The ordeal becomes a psychological turning point—she begins facing her fears out of necessity.

6. Slow Recovery and Social Re-entry

Incremental Progress:
- Sally describes her attempts at socializing via TikTok Live, the challenge of reconnecting with friends, and slowly expanding her comfort zone (70:48–71:29).
- Begins using Xanax, which finally results in meaningful symptom relief and greater functionality (65:15–66:18; 68:18).
Relapses and Setbacks:
- Ongoing episodes—such as her brother vomiting after drinking—prompt setbacks, but she never returns to her lowest points (73:05–74:29).

7. The Power of Connection and Communication

Support Networks:
- Sally’s relationships with her brother, mother, and stepfather (support person) were lifelines.
- She emphasizes the importance of communicating anxiety to friends: “I was hiding it from them... They just thought I didn’t want to hang out with them.” (28:23–29:05)
Finding Community:
- Connecting with people (online and in person) who share similar experiences is life-changing: “That’s when I knew I really want to speak on this because I want there to be awareness around it...” (86:43).
Therapy & Medication:
- Therapy and honest self-reflection, as well as the right medication, are vital tools for survival and recovery.

8. Living with Emetophobia & Agoraphobia—Definitions and Realities

Emetophobia:
- “It’s the fear of seeing someone throw up or throwing up yourself. You go into full panic attack, fight or flight...” (78:02–78:43)
Agoraphobia:
- “The fear of leaving, being out of control... Like leaving your safe space.” (79:53–80:06)
Stigma:
- Sally discusses dealing with online ridicule and disbelief and how internalized shame amplifies suffering (80:13–80:50).

9. Coming Out the Other Side

Freedom and Hope:
- By August, Sally is traveling, socializing, and finally sleeping in her bed again. She describes the joy of feeling “normal,” and notes her continued struggle but also her major progress (84:11–85:01).
Communication is Key:
- “Even if you just let them know, hey, you know, this is kind of what’s going on, it could completely change the narrative for them.” (85:16–86:43)
Hope for Others:
- Sally addresses the listener directly: “If you are down in this deep hole, there is always better days ahead... suicide is not necessary—that’s a big thing.” (86:43–88:13)
Reflecting on Recovery:
- She notes major milestones: moving out, traveling to Europe, managing doctor appointments, and physical therapy on her own (88:14–89:17).
Therapist’s Wisdom:
- “Your life is like a river... If you keep doing things and making... a balance... that’s going to help you get better.” (93:00–93:44)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

“I felt like I had dug myself into a hole that I couldn't get out of... Anger that I was alive, anger that my mom decided to have me.” (03:26)
“Leaving my mom, like all of a sudden, my separation anxiety just came back full stop.” (05:56)
“I faked everything I could to get out of there... I still wanted to kill myself very much.” (11:10)
“Every single time I leave, I have a panic attack.” (18:32)
“I was so used to, like, going out and having fun. So I really felt like, you know, a turtle trapped inside its shell.” (26:33)
“I would not move for 24 hours. I would stay in a stiff board position on this floor for 24 hours straight.” (41:11)
“It almost felt like a hurricane, you know, that just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.” (83:44)
“I started going on trips, started going everywhere that I could. And when I tell you it was the most freeing thing on the planet.” (84:59)
“I want there to be awareness around it, and I want people to stop making fun of people who are scared of it, because it’s real and we don’t choose this.” (86:43)
“Your life is like a river... If you're flowing, your river is thriving... If you keep doing things... that's going to help you get better.” (93:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

[00:00] Early childhood anxiety, emetophobia’s origins
[04:11] First suicide attempt and intervention
[06:55 – 11:54] Experience in a psychiatric hospital
[14:49 – 18:53] Pandemic hits, return of severe symptoms, birth of agoraphobia
[33:40 – 41:11] Sally’s life “trapped” on the bathroom floor
[45:26] Intensification of fear, food/eating issues, medication battles
[58:33] Kidney stone medical crisis – a turning point
[66:18] Discovery that Xanax provides relief, enables new progress
[78:02 – 80:06] Definitions/explanation of emetophobia & agoraphobia
[84:11 – 89:17] Recovery, finding freedom, and embracing hope
[93:00] Therapist’s analogy: “Your life is like a river...”

Tone and Final Reflections

Sally’s storytelling is frank, self-aware, and often darkly humorous, balancing heavy themes with moments of hope and practical wisdom. Her message is direct: recovery is possible, communication is critical, and mental illnesses like emetophobia and agoraphobia are very real and debilitating, not the result of character flaws or personal weaknesses.

If you or someone you know struggles with similar issues, Sally urges: Don’t give up. Speak out, seek support, and remember, “There is always better days ahead.”

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Transcript

Sally (0:00)

My name is Sally. I was born in North Carolina. My mom was a stay at home mom, and my dad was a pharmaceutical sales rep. So she was home all the time. And he wasn't ever really around. He's a workaholic. So I was completely attached to my mom from the moment I could walk. I had separation anxiety like crazy. So getting me to school in the mornings was so hard. Getting me on the bus just was impossible. And then that anxiety kind of, I guess, built up to me getting OCD as well, and that turned into a metaphobia. So the first time I ever saw vomit, I was four years old, sitting on my grandma's bed with my cousin. And we were watching a movie, and the girl in the movie, like the main character, she threw up. And I didn't understand what it was, but I just started having a panic attack. Really? Yeah. And it was so weird because, like, I had never seen vomit in my life. I don't know, like, I didn't know why I was reacting that way. But she had to run and go get my mom because my mom was the only thing on the planet that could calm me down. So we ended up moving to Texas when I was around six or seven years old. And again, school was so hard to get me to. They would have, like, my mom would have to walk me to the classroom every single day. My teacher would have to peel me off of her. And it got so bad to the point where she had to get a job at my school. Like, the principal was just like, we're hiring you because, you know, she, Sally needs to be at school. So she started teaching fourth grade when I was in third grade. And so I was about to move up to her grade, but I would constantly go and hide under her desk on hard days. Like, I would just run out of the classroom and go under her desk like a scared puppy. So my anxiety was very not managed at this point. We had to go to therapy, but it didn't work. And medications just weren't as big of a thing back then, especially for people as young as I was. So finally in middle school, I got a whole lot better. Out of nowhere, I was able to go to school on my own, like go hang out with friends. It was still really, really bad, but it wasn't, you know, to the point where I could not leave my mom's side at any point. And that continued up until I went into high school and we moved to another town in Texas. And I was complete, not completely good, but doing the best I ever had. My first really bad mental break since childhood was 2019. I developed really bad depression out of nowhere. And it escalated very, very fast. And so over the summer, I had planned to go on my yearly trip to Seaside with my best friend. And then my mom and I had plans to go out to California for a wedding. So I was like, okay, these two trips are going to be my last big hurrah and then I'm gonna commit suicide.

Interviewer (2:54)

So that was like your plan in mind?

Sally (2:56)

Yes.

Sally (3:26)

I felt like I had dug myself into a hole that I couldn't get out of. Okay. So it was also like anger that I was alive, anger that my mom decided to have me, you know, so just so many strong emotions for a 15 year old to have a lot to handle. And when I get those feelings, I just want to bail out. I want to be done. So my plan was very, you know, planned out. So I had. My dad had a gun in his car, a pistol. And I was like, okay, mom's in New York. I'm going to call him, tell him I need him to sleep over because I'm anxious. That was normal. I didn't want to be home alone. So he was like, okay, that's fine. So he comes over and my brother has his best friend over. And so I was like, I need to wait, you know, till 3, 4am when everyone's asleep. Those three boys do not wake up for anything. So I was like, I'm in the clear as long as I wait till everyone's out. So I asked my dad at like 10pm for the keys. I was like, hey, I need to grab something from your car. And then I just never gave them back to him. So around 3am, I went out to his car and I grabbed the pistol and I put it up to my head. And then I was like, wait, what if the safety's on? I pull the trigger, freak myself out. And then for some reason, my emetophobia kind of tied into that and I was like, I'll throw up from like that big of an experience. So I sat there and I went on YouTube and I looked up, how do you know if a gun. A gun safety is on or off? And I just could not get myself to watch any of the videos because I was like, well, what if it's wrong? What if I do the wrong thing? And so finally, after, like, 10 minutes of sitting out there, my brother walks out. And it was really interesting because he, like I said, never woke up for anything when he was out, he was out, and he was like, sally, what are you doing? And then I just lose it. I. I grab the gun and I show it to him, and I kind of blacked out his face. I don't really remember what his reaction was, but his best friend came out as well. And they just sat there and, like, hugged me while I just sobbed my eyes out on our front lawn. Like, I was laying there. And part of me was mad that they found me, but I think because I showed them the gun, because it wasn't in sight, part of me did not want to die, was too scared to die. So my mom got a call from him the next morning, and my dad. And so she immediate. She was in New York, so she immediately flew home. And my sister came over, my brother stayed there, my dad was there, the whole family. And my sister tells me, hey, Sally, we're going to go, you know, in front of a panel of doctors. They're just going to give us the meds you need, and then you're going to go home. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And she all of a sudden, you know, about two hours later, hey, I'm gonna pack you an overnight bag. But it's just like, mom and I will stay with you. We're not gonna leave you there. But just in case they need to keep you overnight for observation. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Well, we pull up to this building in downtown San Antonio, and I had never seen it before, and it was really pretty from the front. And so I was like, okay, maybe this is just the doctor's office. Well, there's a back. And we go around the back, and it almost looked like a prison. It was really scary. And I see emergency intake or emergency inpatient take. And I was like, oh, I know what's going on here. So I kind of accepted defeat, if I remember that right. And just, you know, walked in, I was bawling my eyes out. And we go in and they take me to this little back room with my whole family. And my brother tells the main doctor who. What he experienced. And then my sister tells him you know what my brother had told her in case he trauma blocked any of it because finding your sister about to kill herself is horrible. So they tell their side of the story and then he takes me to a separate room and I talked to a lady first and I was like, you know, maybe if I'm honest, they won't keep me overnight, they won't intake me. And then the main doctor comes in, I tell him the whole truth. And before I told him anything, he was like, hey, you know, we're not automatically intaking you. We're just going to like, figure out and from what it seems like you're fine. But of course he has to say that because if he says, oh, you know, we're going to intake you, I would run away. Yeah. So finally at the end, he left the room, went and talked to my family and then came back and he was like, all right, so we've decided that we're going to keep you for a couple days. And leaving my mom, like all of a sudden, my separation just. Or separation anxiety just came back full stop. It was. I can't even describe the feeling to you of knowing that you're going into a mental hospital. And you know, I. This wasn't something I expected. Like I was a cheerleader, I had so many friends, I had an amazing, you know, family. And then all of a sudden I'm getting like, I'm putting, getting put into this mental hospital. And when you watch shows, you know, they're put in such a dark light, it's terrifying. So they're having to do all the intake things. I am just screaming, I do not want to be there. I. I'm pissed, I am sad, I'm angry. Like there's just so many things going through my head. And then we get back into, you know, the main girls dorms. What would you like housing? Something like that. And automatically I just see a ton of girls, like sleeping on sleeping bags in the front room. And I just got an icky feeling. I did not want to be there. It was scary. And they take me to a room and typically you have a roommate, but thank God, goodness I did not. I got my own room. And so I just sat on my bed and cried. But I was trying to be quiet about it. But obviously when you're put in a situation like that, it's really hard not to bowl, like, sob. So a nurse comes in and she was like, hey, you need to go to sleep. And I was like, how am I supposed to go to sleep when I was ripped Away from my family, from my phone, everything. I'm cut off from anything. But eventually I finally got to sleep. And the next morning they put me on my first anxiety medication. They put me on Prozac. And I honestly don't really remember anything from that day. But from what I've heard from my mom and my sister, I was almost a zombie. And then I started ripping my hair out, cussing at them, doing things completely out of character for me. So they took me off of that one and they put me on Lexapro. And finally, you know, I started becoming cognitive again. This was day two. Let me backtrack. There would be night screamers. So every single night someone would scream and it was like a horror movie. It was terrifying. And they would have to. I was told by the other girls they would put them in a padded room and shoot them with a shot to sedate them. And so I was like, oh my gosh, this place is terrifying. Like, I genuinely thought I was gonna die. And that's so dramatic. But I was really obviously very ill and scared for sure. So that happened night one, and I was all alone in my room and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna die. Night two, I end up getting a roommate, but she's a super sweet girl. Kind of same situation as I'm in now.

Sally (10:54)

So you are in therapy the whole time that you are there. So there's group therapy where you have like a room of girls and kind of just learn coping mechanisms. And then you have a one on one therapist and then you have a family therapist. Okay, so your family would come in, you know, depending on the duration that you're in there. Well, once I got put on the Lexapro, I started faking everything I could to get out of there. So I was putting a smile on my face. When I would get evaluated by the main psych, I'd be like, oh, I'm doing so much better. That was just a fluke. I was drowning. I still wanted to kill myself very much. But of course I'm not going to say that because I don't want to be there anymore. And I mean, it's designed to where you don't want to go back so you don't commit suicide or try again. And that night my mom came and I was like, hey, like I think it's time for me to get released. And she tells me no, you have to stay another day. And started ripping out my hair again. Furious. I was so mad. I resented her. I did, like, didn't want to ever talk to her again. But obviously that was a spur of the moment emotions. So that night there ended up being called, I think it was a code green. And one of the girls had gotten a hold of scissors from the nurses station. And I believe she was chasing people around with them and, you know, trying to kill them, trying to kill herself. And I was scared because I was like, what if she gets in there? Because we can't close our doors, you know, for suicide safety reasons. And so I was like, okay, I really have to get out of this place now. So I stayed one more day for faked everything, kind of made friends just, you know, in there. And then on day four, that morning, I finally got released. Well, two days after I got released, I ended up cutting myself 13 reasons why was either had just come out or came out the year before. And I kind of took inspo from her, which is horrible. And I did it again at three in the morning. And again my brother walks in and he goes, what is going on? So he. I was. I had a trash can next to me. I was like, grabbing, you know, pieces of my flesh and having to throw them away. So my arm was covered in blood, my bed was. And so my brother, like, drags me into my mom's room and she just starts yelling because she doesn't know what to do. You don't know what to do when you've never really dealt with this before. And so I just kept begging, please don't take me back to the mental hospital, like, pleading. And she was like, okay, we are going to your therapist in the morning and we are going to talk to her and figure out what the hell we're supposed to do. So that morning we go to the therapist and I remember just staring up at the ceiling. Like, it was literally. And she was like, what are you thinking? While my mom was talking. And I was like, I want to be dead. I don't know why y' all are keeping me here. I don't know why I'm forced to be alive right now, but I just want it to be over. So I didn't end up getting readmitted, but they were like, if you try one more time, you're going back and you're staying longer. And that was honestly a good scare tactic because I didn't do it again. But on the downside, when you do something like this, obviously you have Scars and you have blood. Well, I still had to go to high school. I had to, you know, show up, and I didn't cover my scars because I was like, oh, nobody will suspect that from me. But I go in, and I end up getting my arm bandaged because a teacher asked me, what's going on with you? And then, funny enough, I just found out this year from my friend that people had been suspecting. I never thought they were. But then a guy I hung out with, with once decided to tell a bunch of people that I cut myself because he ended it with me, even.

Interviewer (21:48)

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Sally (26:11)

So, thank goodness the school year was wrapping up when this really started. And finally school's out for the summer. And that is when it really kicks into gear. Bad I am not leaving at all unless it's for doctor's appointments. And when I would leave for these doctor's appointments, I would scream. I would do the whole thing. And I ended up meeting my best friend this year or that year that it happened, and she would come over every single day, like Kobe was my safe haven. She didn't judge me, and I felt like anybody who I would come across would judge me. But, yeah, she would come over every single day. She stayed in with me on the 4th of July, and these were all new developments for me because I was so used to, like, going out and having fun. So I really felt like, you know, a turtle trapped inside its shell. But she made me feel better because I was able to, you know, do things. And even if it was just in the house, like, I still had a friend. Well, Kobe leaves for college, and I am kind of on my own my senior year and we're forced to go back to school. So I had quit cheer because I knew that I would not make it to practices. I kind of quit everything in my life. I tried getting jobs, but the jobs that I would have, I would get fired from because I just couldn't show up. I couldn't get myself there. I didn't have a ride. And even when I did, it was kind of like trying to go to school. And for my senior year, I ended up missing 65 days. And they just ended up, you know, instead of calling mom and asking where I was, they just let it go because, I mean, what are you going to do? You can't force me to go because I will physically hold on to my bed and not leave. So, yeah, missed a bunch of school, started really isolating myself. I mean, I still had a lot of friends, but not as many as I did before because people were just kind of getting annoyed with the fact that I would say no so many times. And to me, that wasn't fair because, you know, in my head, I know what I'm going through, but I was hiding it from them. I was keeping it from them. So obviously they're going to think, oh, she doesn't want to hang out with us. She just wants to stay at home.

Sally (30:11)

Yes, exactly. No, they don't. And, you know, I'll tell you about that later in the story, because that was really evident. I found that out. Out very fast. So Kobe left for college, and alongside her, most of my friends were the grade above me. So I was left with the people in my grade, and I had a very different personality than a lot of them did. So I didn't really feel like I fit in anywhere within the kids in my grade. So I started isolating even more. Well, I decided that I was going to go to college and I was going to join a sorority. So I signed an or. I did a application to University of Arkansas, and I ended up getting in. And then. So obviously now I had something to look forward to. I was like, oh, you know what? I was still. I was still in denial. I did not think I was as sick as I was getting. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this. It's going to rip me out of this whatever weird funk that I'm in, and it's going to be so good. Well, we get to the end of senior year, we have senior walks, senior sunset. All of the things I had to miss almost every single senior event. And I almost missed graduation. I was like, I don't want to do this. I'm too anxious. I don't want to throw up on the football field. So I almost didn't go. But then my mom was like, no, shove me out the door, put me in the car and made me go. Which I really appreciate that. But, yeah, I missed, you know, so many events, senior service day, all the things I was super excited for. But I was like, you know what? I have college to look forward to. I'm going to make so many new friends. It's going to be a whole different chapter in my life. Well, it's time for orientation. And we were going to drive up from San Antonio up to Fayetteville, and about 30 minutes into the drive, screaming, take me home. You can't do this to me. I'm 18. Like, you're. You are not the boss of me anymore. But obviously, mom kept driving because she know she knew how this went. After about 30 minutes, I would be fine. So we make it to college orientation. I am having the best time. I'm making so many new friends. And I was like, you know what? I really think I can do this. Well, that night, we had the option to stay in a hotel with our parents, or we could stay in the dorms with all the kids. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna stay in one of the dorms, and I'm gonna get, like, a feel of what college life is like. Well, the nighttime comes and all of us are hanging out. There's a big group, and four of us ended up separating, going to a different room. And while we were in there, boom, comes back and I was blowing up my mom's phone. This was about midnight at this point. I was like, come pick me up right now. I cannot handle this. I cannot this. So she comes, grabs me, and, yeah, we end up going back to the hotel. And the next day is orientation again, because it was a two day thing. I was fine. I was completely fine again. Because, you know, that's how it works.

Sally (33:24)

Yes, Covid was. Covid was over. Nobody was wearing masks anymore. And. Yeah, so I just completely stopped doing anything at all. What would reschedule doctor's appointments every single time. No call, no shows. I had gone blonde with my hair. I would make appointment after appointment, cancel, cancel, cancel. And my poor hairstylist, like, she wouldn't charge me a cancellation fee because she knew how this went. And so I did have a lot of supportive people on my side. But also, you know, after graduation, pretty much all of the friends I thought I had stopped talking to me. So it was about two weeks before it was move in day for college. I hadn't bought anything from my dorm. I hadn't started packing anything. And that's when my mom told me, hey, have you ever thought of a gap year? And I really didn't want to, but part of me was so happy when I heard that because I was so used to the standard of, you know, like, everyone goes to college right outside of high school. And I wanted to. I was so excited to, you know, be involved in things, being join a sorority. I had already paid the recruitment fee, got all my letters of recommendation, but I just could not. Could not get myself to do it. So the gap year starts and I. My nausea started getting a lot worse. And that is when I started sleeping on the bathroom floor. So our bathroom floor is separated into. So there's a sink area and then a door and then a toilet and a shower. Well, the sink area was 5ft long and 2ft wide. So it was literally like a tiny prison cell. We live in a pretty small house, and I have three siblings and two of them were living there, but we all shared a bathroom. And so they would have to step over at me at night or step on me at night. And it was obviously so frustrating because that's supposed to be everyone's space and. But I could not get myself to get off of that floor for five months. Every night I was sleeping in there. When we would have company over, I would lock the door or, you know, they would walk in and I would be laying there. I had no shame at this point because I just, I was so exhausted and so tired.

Sally (36:58)

That's, you know, it really works for my anxiety. But at this point it just stopped working for some reason. But I was still taking it because I knew I couldn't not be on anything. So from this point, we're at the end of 2022. I am. All I'm experiencing is the nausea and that's an everyday thing. Well, finally one day I wake up in 2023 and I'm feeling better and I start going places, little by little, started leaving the house more and more. Like I would go with my mom to get donuts and we would push to go a little further each day. Well, randomly in April, when I'm doing a whole lot better, I wake up one morning and I. You know how when you stand up from a bed too fast and you're like, whoa, yeah, super lightheaded I started feeling like that 247 wouldn't go away. Well, when I was 13, my aunt told me about her having Meniere's and how she would get vertigo attacks and how they would be so bad that, like, she would have bruising on her neck from throwing up so aggressively. So I was like, oh, great, you know, But I ignored it because I wasn't having ringing in my ears, so I wasn't scared of it. So I started getting going to the restaurant where my sister worked, and that kind of became, you know, my regular spot to go to. And eventually I started going so often that the owner offered me a job. And the job started in April, and I was having such a good time. I was making so many new friends. I was beer tending, so it was a brewery. And I was feeling like, so grown up. And I was like, okay, I really want to go to college now, but I don't want to go to Arkansas because, you know, I had bailed on everyone. I didn't want to experience that. So I applied to University of Hawaii, and I got in and I started meeting the people who were going to go there, and I got a roommate and I did all of these things. And then the nausea came back and I slowly started not showing up for work, kind of showing the patterns that I had beforehand. And eventually I was house locked again, sleeping on the bathroom floor every single night again. Whereas before, you know, I had been sleeping on my bed, keeping my room clean, all the things that I couldn't do. And that was a really big issue for me too, was hygiene. It was so hard for me to, you know, keep my room clean or shower because I was scared, you know, in the shower, am I going to pass out or throw up. I remember a girl had told me that every time she brushed her teeth in the mornings, she would would throw up because the toothbrush would make her gag. So I stopped brushing my teeth. And obviously my teeth started, you know, getting into pretty bad shape. And one in specific had cracked in the middle, but I was like, it's fine, you know, not gonna bother me, whatever. So really, like, I just wasn't taking care of myself again. And that's when I was like, okay, I can't do this job anymore. And this nausea was weird because it would come every week, but it would stop at around Thursday. I would be fine over the weekends, and then Monday it would come back full stop. So I, like I said, was lying on the bathroom floor every night again, not leaving, not getting food, not anything. Well, that Was only until the end of August. So this happened about the beginning. And then at the end, I started going out again. And I was, you know, doing things even more than I was in the summer. Like, I was going to parties with my friends. Well, at this. At one of these parties, I ended up meeting a boy, and I was like, you know what? I think I'm ready to date. Let me backtrack. Obviously, I was supposed to leave for college in August, and I was supposed to go to Hawaii. Well, all of a sudden, I just didn't go. I didn't say anything to them. I just didn't show up. Didn't pay tuition.

Sally (41:11)

So this guy was really, really sweet, and I, you know, warned him about my anxiety. I was like, hey, so this is kind of what you're getting yourself into. I don't know if you want to do that. He was like, no. Like, it's totally fine. So he would come over every single day. I wouldn't be able to do anything. And I was like, okay, you know what? It's been a month, and this is still going on. This doesn't feel like a real relationship. So I broke up with him. And then on the. I broke up with him the day before Thanksgiving. And then on Thanksgiving, I had a best friend, and we're gonna call him Jacob. And we're still really close to this day, but he ended up coming over, and we kind of just talked, and we ended up telling. So we became best friends in 2021, and we ended up telling each other that we had liked each other the whole time, you know, and just telling each other everything. And at this point, I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, I think I'm in love with this guy. Like, truly, really and truly. Like, I thought that I was in love with him, and so I was like, okay, you know what? This is my motivation. Like, I have this person that I love, and I want to spend time with, and I'm finally, like, happy. I'm Gonna be good. And so we end up, like, having a sleepover. And then he has to go back to college until Christmas break because he was home for Thanksgiving. Well, he comes home and he told me he had a Christmas present for me. And I was like, okay, perfect. Like, I'm so excited. We're gonna hang out, whatever. And then the day comes where he was like, okay, get, like, get dressed up. It's time for your Christmas present. Well, I ended up feeling horrible that day. Like, that was probably the worst I had felt in a very, very long time. And I was like, hey, I'm so sorry, but I can't come. And it turns out he had planned, like, this perfect date. And I remember that night, I was like, oh, my gosh, how am I supposed to ever date again? Because if I can't go on a date with someone that I love and someone that I like, you know, knows everything about me and that I'm comfortable with, how am I supposed to go on a date ever again? So that really had me down. And I was like, you know what? This is telling me that I need to make a change. So January 1st, I drive myself all around town, and that was the first time. January 1, 2024. That was the first time, you know, that I was able to do anything on my own. And I was like, okay, this is seriously, you know, when I get better. And so this happens for two days. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I get a ringing in my ear. And I had remembered that my aunt told me with Hermaniere's disease that it started with ringing in her ears. And I was laying in my bed, I start having a panic attack. And in my mind, I started having real vertigo, even though mine isn't real. It's more like unsteadiness, dizziness. But in my head, I started having one of those. So I ran into the bathroom, and I did not leave the bathroom from January 3rd all the way until May. So I started sleeping on the bathroom floor again in January, but this time it was serious. More serious than it had ever been before. There were some days when I wouldn't move for 24 hours. I would stay in a stiff board position on this floor for 24 hours straight. Because I thought if I even moved my head an inch that I would get a vertigo attack. I was not eating at all. I was not drinking at all, okay, at all. As a stretch, I would eat a saltine when I needed to take my medicine. And at this point, I had been taken off of Lexapro. Because we had thought that was causing the dizziness. So I was taking lamotrigine and propranolol and that was it. Lamotrigine is a bipolar medication, which I do not have bipolar.

Sally (46:50)

Yeah. So I, yeah, was just eating one saltine when it was time to take my medicine, and then a sip of water with the medicine, and that's all I would have. And so I remember one time my sister brought in a. A loaf of bread to me and I screamed at her because I did not even want to see the food. And I couldn't watch videos of people in cars. I couldn't watch videos of cars driving. I couldn't watch movies that had, like, lots of moving things in them. And this was in January. Well, I ended up getting. Getting to the doctor. Finally, at the end of January, I was feeling a little bit better and I was able to go to the doctor. And she did a test for me about a vestibular issue in which she prescribed Me with called benign proximital positional vertigo. So that's when you lay down at night and everything starts spinning. Okay. And so the test was positive, but really it was just my anxiety. But we didn't know that at the time. So I was like, oh, my gosh. Freaking out. And I told her, I was like, is physical therapy gonna make me sick? And as a doctor, she had to tell me the truth. So she was like, there's, you know, a chance. There's always a chance. So you could not even say the words physical therapy to me without me having a real true panic attack anytime. Like, truly any. Anytime anyone uttered those words, I couldn't handle it. So the PT was calling me over and over, hey, like, we're trying to get you on the schedule. I would. I stopped answering them. I was like, no, I'm not doing this. So finally I get directed to an audiologist. I was having full blown panic attack in the audiologist office. I could barely do the hearing test because I was scared that was going to make me dizzy. Everything that I did, I was scared that it was going to make me dizzy. So she wasn't able to get accurate results on anything. And I kept going back and back, but she just couldn't get results with the way I was acting. But I couldn't control it. You know, it was just fight or flight mode because I would turn into a 12 year old every single time. When I was literally 20, not even 12, like an 8 year old, and I was 20 years old acting like this. So I was like, okay, do I have some like, weird disease, like schizophrenia or something? So that's when I started playing Dr. Google. And every time I would look up a symptom, I would convince myself I had whatever disease that came up. So, you know, I had brain cancer. I had like cell disorders, autoimmune disorders in my head. I'd convinced myself of this. And so at this point, I was two months into isolation and I genuinely, like, started feeling myself go insane. I started going into a deep dive of God because I really thought that, you know, if I just asked, if I just asked God, I would receive a miracle and a snap. And I didn't because I was still on this floor. And I would literally sit there and beg God to make it stop. And it wouldn't. So I would just constantly do my research of, you know, why does God perform miracles on some people and not on others? Well, then I got on a bad side of like, TikTok social media of like, if you're experiencing something like that you are not for God, and you're, like, associated with the devil. And so I just lose it because I've been a Christian my whole life, and I would always just assume that I was a good Christian and that I was going to get into heaven. Well, then I start having dreams that, like, the devil is attacking me. And it. These dreams became so constantly repeated that I learned how to, like, rebuke the devil in my dreams because my mind was, like, trying to latch onto something, or I don't know if that's what it was, but it was just so weird. And so then I started cutting myself to, like, try and, you know, not think about the dizziness, not think about the religious fear that I had. And so, like, I just had cuts everywhere. And eventually I knew I had to stop because that can't be a coping mechanism. So I got a notepad that my dad had gotten me for the mental hospital, and I started using drawing as a coping mechanism. I would stick a pencil into that paper and just draw as hard as I could, and I would fill out the pages and fill them out. And when I was having panic attacks, that would help me a whole lot. And then I just started kind of getting crazier and crazier, having these, like, weird delusions. And I remember one time or one of these days, I walked out and I just sat outside, and I was like, okay, God, if you're real, show me. And I just sat out there for, like, 10 minutes, completely convinced that, like, God himself was going to come down and stand on the ground and be like, hey, Sally, I'm here. And I wasn't seeing that. And then, like, I convinced myself it was so weird. Like, I was, like, looking at the trees, and I was like, oh, my gosh, like, God is revealing himself to me, like, in the trees and in the grass and in the bugs. And, like, I felt like I was, like, rising into, like, my angelic self, which is funny because this sounds like a manic episode of, like, religious delusion or whatever you call it. I don't know. And I texted my mom, and I was like, mom, God's not real. Like, before I started seeing this. And she was, like, trying to calm me down, and she was like, no, like, you know, Sally, you're just anxious, and da, da, da. And I was like, no, he's not, and Satan is going to get me and I'm going to die. And I saw this thing online, and it was kind of one of the only things that helped me and it said, if you believe that Satan is real, why, why wouldn't you believe that God is real? Because Satan's a fallen angel. So anyways, yeah, I went outside and have that, had that divine intervention. And I texted my pastor and I was like, hey, I want to get baptized. Like, I just found my testimony. Like, God just saved me right here. And I mean, it's just funny kind of to look back because I was really and truly trying to latch on anything I could that would tell me that this was, you know, going to be over pretty soon. So I started watching testimonies because I was trying to find anywhere I could to believe that God was real. Because after that little divine intervention, I went right back into the God's not real, and I don't know how to prove that he's real. So I started looking up testimonies and I started looking up like podcasts. And funny enough, that loophole led me to yours, but that'll be later on. And I would just try and find, and I found near death experiences, and so I would binge watch those. And I was always just kind of jealous of those people that they actually got to, you know, like, see what it was like after we died. And on one of those testimonies, the guy in the beginning said, hey, put your name and number. You know, there's a survey down below and we will connect you with someone who can talk to you about God, like, if you need it. It's like a religious crisis hotline. So I ended up calling it and this lady talked to me, you know, for about two hours, just about everything, but it just still hadn't convinced me. And it was so weird. And finally I went on Reddit, of all places, and looked up, up Reddit slash Christianity. And I was able to kind of, you know, I wrote out a whole message and people kind of like were able to talk to me more of a language that I would understand. And I finally snapped out of it. All of that was happening in February. Well, at the beginning of March, out of nowhere, I got a pain in my back. And I wake up at like 5 in the morning and I was like, oh, no, like, it's fine, you know, I'm probably about to start my period. Well, I wake up at nine in the morning in the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life in my lower back. So I had started texting my mom and I had started texting my mom's boyfriend because he had become a really big support system for me. He was there for me. He took me to every single doctor appointment. I would spam text him when I was getting panic attacks because he stayed up later than my mom. And for some reason, spam texting was a really big help for me. So I'd be like, help, help, help. There would be like a hundred messages. But it helped me kind of express my feelings and get that anxiety out, that side note. Anyways, so I call my stepdad and I was like, hey, I'm having really, really bad back pain. What is going on? I need to go to the hospital. And that was crazy for me to say because I never voluntarily went to the doctors, let alone the ER where there could be people vomiting. So I go out and my brother's in the living room, and I'm like, james, I don't know what to do. What do I do? And he was like, you're just having, you know, cramps. Like, both of them had told me to just stretch out while I start stretching makes it worse. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to throw up. And so I text Mark, take me to the hospital right now. So he comes over, I grab a whole trash can and five amesis bags. And those are those bags that they have at the hospital that you can throw up in. And we get to the first. We go to an emergency room about 30 minutes away from home, and we go in and I start screaming, somebody sedate me. And they end up doing, like. They take me back to the room, and I'm literally like, I just want to curl up on the cold old Dr. Floor. I didn't care about germs or anything, which was huge for me because obviously I'm a hypochondriac. And so they come in and I keep saying, give me Zofran. Give me Zofran. Because I forgot to mention that I started taking both Zofran and my first anti nausea medicine I was taking was Compazine. And Compazine was really good. But then I started getting these tongue spasms, so, like, my tongue would not stop moving in my mouth. It was the weirdest thing ever. So they switched me to promethazine. And those two really helped. Yeah, helped lessen my anxiety. But I was still, you know, not right doing well. I was taking up to like 5, 6 Zofrans a day, when really you should only be taking one to a week. So anyways, like, I'm begging them to pump me with Zofran. I'm like, I'm gonna throw up. Whatever. So they were like, first we're gonna give you morphine. Well, morphine is sometimes known for making people sick for it being too aggressive. She pumped it into me, and I started getting that feeling in your throat. And I was like. I remember crying. And then all of a sudden, because I knew it was about to happen, but I kept swallowing and swallowing, and my body had been so used to holding back stomach bugs that I was able to stop myself from throwing up. And they pumped me with Zofran and then two medicines. All of a sudden, I'm awake at. It's. At that point, it was 9:30 in the morning. In a snap, I was awake. It was midnight, and I was in a hospital bed at the big hospital in San Antonio. And I had asked my mom what happened. So I ended up peeing. It was cr. Like, it was all blood, straight blood. And so they had to operate on me twice. I had a kidney stone that had lodged in my urethra. Completely backed up the infection into my kidney and then into my bladder. So it was a triple infection. And I had somehow avoided throwing up, which is insane, because people don't not throw up when they have kidneys. Yeah.

Sally (59:38)

Because for some reason, when I was having this intense of pain, it took my dizziness away. So I was not dizzy for the three weeks that I had this kidney stone. So for some. Well, for some reason, I was terrified of drinking water. It would make me so nauseous. But the only way to flush out a kidney stone is drinking water. So I would drink maybe a cup a day. My mom would, like, yell at me because she had to. You have to drink water because this started in the first place, because I wasn't eating or drinking anything, and all I was eating was saltines, and that's salty. So, yeah, I couldn't force water down my throat. So she was just trying to get any liquid into me that she could. Well, finally they had to schedule surgery because it had been three weeks, and the stone was not coming out of me. It was hurting me. And so we drive into San Antonio again, and I get the surgery. I get it out. Well, the dizziness comes back, and it's honestly worse than it was before. But also, I had gotten hope because I knew that it wasn't constant. Like, if there was something going else or something else going on, it would go away. So I started alternating. So when I was nauseous, I wasn't dizzy, but when I was dizzy, I wasn't nauseous. So it was kind of almost like fake sounding, like, this doesn't sound real. But it was. It was very real for me. And so that's when I started wondering if it was psychosomatic. But it was weird because, like, the dizziness would not go away unless I was in some sort of, like, excruciating or scary pain somewhere else. So I get the stone out, and the dizziness comes back. So it was April, and it was. We were getting a solar eclipse in Texas, and I was super excited because my mom's best friend, who loved astronomy, was coming over and bringing his telescope. And it was just going to be a lot of fun. And so he decided the first night he wanted to take me out to see the stars. So it was going to be super fun. So he was giving me a little lesson on, like, the stars and the planets and stuff. And then all of a sudden, he starts talking about the Earth's rotation. And then he started talking about how the Earth spins really fast.

Sally (73:52)

Exactly. So, yeah, I was kind of at that point because how was I going to have a life after this? And I really felt like I had just, you know, dug myself again. Dug myself into an even deeper hole and I was not going to climb out of it. I was like, I was talking to my therapist one day and I was like, hey, you know, I do not know what to do. I do not. I feel like I'm at the end of a cul de sac and. And I can't get past it, you know, there's no road. So I truly felt like an animal in a cage. And there were nights where I would just yell for my mom because I. I was so unsocialized at this point. And this is back in January. That's okay. I just kind of recalled it all as I was talking. I felt like a caged animal. And I remember I had fully convinced myself that I was in hell. I watched that show the Good Place. Have you ever heard of it? And I had fully convinced myself that I was in a Situation like that where I was actually in hell because, you know, I love talking to people, I love being involved, but I couldn't do any of that because I couldn't be around people. So anyways, yeah, that guy comes over, I kick him out because I just can't handle it. And I'm isolating again and I'm kind of back to square one. But it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in January and February. So this was June. And you know, I'm going on walks, I'm finally forcing myself. I can't go past my street, but I'm able to go up and down my street. So that was good. Things were okay. I mean, still sleeping on the floor, whatever. And then came My brother's 24 first birthday and he got obliterated. And he was, you know, could not stop vomiting when he got home. And I like ran out of the front door and I refused to come inside. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to sleep in my car. I didn't. And this had happened, you know, when I was a little kid when my siblings would get stomach bugs, I would like run out of the house. So, yeah, anyways, kind of anxiety came back full stop after seeing vomit for the first time in so long, isolating myself from it. Well, I had a boy who I had been like texting because I would go on hinge just for fun. And he had sent me flowers in the mail. And I remember just even thinking about those flowers coming in the mail, like made me want to puke my guts out. Like literally just anything human interaction wise that included like boys, it made me want to throw up. So the last month of really bad was July. And this is when we start the turning point. So 4th of July, my mom and I were going to watch the fireworks in a church parking lot across from my house. I couldn't even walk there. I literally laid in the fetal position in the grass and just screamed because I was so scared to be out of the house. Well then all of a sudden, about two weeks later, my brother comes in town. And my brother is my best friend because obviously he's seen me through everything, including the really bad parts. And I was able to go with him to lunch and we spent the whole day out and then we went to church the next day and I was so completely fine with him. And at this point I was back on Lexapro and that was making the biggest difference ever right away. It was amazing. So now that I've talked about, you know, the really bad things. I kind of want to give an explanation about what emetophobia is and agoraphobia too, because I don't think those words are used nearly enough. So emetophobia can come in a lot of different ways, forms, but it's the fear of seeing someone throw up or throwing up yourself.