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- [00:02]
Riley
Hello, friends. Guess who? That's right. It is I, the replacer. Once again, I've been called on so you can play the new Call of Duty Black Ops 7 with three expansive modes, 18 multiplayer maps, and the tastiest zombie gameplay you've ever freaking seen. Call of Duty Black Ops 7, available now. Rated M for mature. This episode is brought to you by Netflix from the creator of Homeland. Claire Danes and Matthew Rhys star in the new Netflix series the Beast in Me as ruthless rivals whose shared darkness will set them on a collision course with fatal consequences. The Beast in Me is a riveting psychological cat and mouse story about guilt, justice, and doubt. You will not want to miss this. The Beast in Me is now playing a only on Netflix. Hey, guys, I'm Riley. I'm an alcoholic. I traveled Route 66 alone in full blown alcoholism. And I'm on. We're all insane. Yes. And I'm so excited. So I. First of all, I've been sober for over two years. My sobriety date is March 14, 2023. Thank you. However, there was a lot that got me to this point, good and bad, I would say. You know, I grew up in Kentucky. I'm the oldest of three girls. I have an older brother, but we grew up separately. My parents, extremely normal, both of them, like, they have a normal relationship with everything I was never without. I feel very privileged for the childhood that I was given. Everything. Whenever I think back to when I was younger, everything feels very positive. I didn't feel like I really went without. I don't feel like there was, you know, trauma in my household. Everything was pretty pleasant. Like, I have fond memories of growing up. I will say that, you know, in third grade we did move to, like, a more affluent neighborhood. It was definitely. It's where I'm from, it's like, pretty well known. I think my parents, they wanted us to have, like, a higher education and that neighborhood offered it. But, like, literally within my first day at the new school, I was diagnosed with adhd. Like, our teacher was like, you need to take her to get tested. And from that point on, I was introduced to Adderall, which I did not know then, but I know now that that was like, the start of something that would become, like, way bigger later on down the road, but all with good intention. Like, I think my parents, you know, they were doing what was suggested by someone they trusted. They had a trusted teacher telling them, like, she'd get her tested. And then, you know, I go to my pediatrician that I've been seeing Since I was a baby. And, and they're saying the same thing. So, you know, I don't look back at that and be like, why did you all put me on like such a. Basically, like prescribed meth, essentially. That's essentially all that is.
- [02:57]
Interviewer
And do you feel like it helped.
- [02:59]
Riley
You at that age? I. It's hard to like, see that as like a positive. And I like, from a young age, like, I did not like it. So. And it, to me at the time, I just remember feeling like, oh, like, I need, I need something because. And they really highlighted the hyperactivity part. And to me, that said, like, oh, I need something to feel more tolerable to people even at a young age. Like, I truly had a thought like that, like, I need to have a substance in order for adults to like, be able to use or be able to be around me better.
- [03:32]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [03:34]
Riley
And I honestly, I never really did great in school. Like, I wasn't like a strong academic person. I mean, it was really hard for me to stay focused with or without it, truly. And I almost feel like when I did take it, I just hyper focused on the wrong things. A lot of people with ADHD that take that medication experience the same thing where it's like, it almost derails you and has you. It derails you from like exactly what it's supposed to do. So, you know, I, I don't have positive memories of it growing up. It created like a lot of GI problems for me. I lost a ton of weight because you don't eat. Like, you have no appetite on it. And I always saw that as a negative. Early on I saw it as a negative that it didn't make me eat and it made me really skinny. And like, all my friends were telling me, like, you're way funnier when you're off your medication. Like, you're way cooler when you're off it because it just makes you a zombie. Like, it's like it pretty much blocks off all joy. And I just didn't. I did not like the side effects from it. And I think they always had me on too high of a dose. But then we would go to the doctor, I would tell my mom, like, this is just too strong. And we go to the doctor and they'd say that's completely normal. But the thing is, like, that stuff made me strung out the same dosage had me strung out in third grade as it did when I was 23. So something was wrong there. Yeah, but, yeah, that was, that was my Adderall diaries But, yeah, I did that. And, I mean, growing up, like, I don't know, I always just felt like. And I've shared this before, but I always just feel like somebody. Everybody was given, like, a book on how to live life, and it just, like, missed my house. I don't know what it was, but I always felt, like, uncomfortable. Even in social settings, I'm a very social person, but at the same time, I always felt less than or not a part of or, like, I don't know, just excluded from something. And I couldn't put my finger on it for a long time. And, like, you know, the years went on, and I kind of, you know, started experimenting with other stuff. So I'm on Adderall throughout all of my early, early adolescence, and then at some point along the way, and it caused, like, I had, like, behavioral issues growing up. Like, I don't know what it was from, but I was pretty disobedient from a young age. Like, I just had very clear authority issues, if you will. And I got to, like, eighth grade and people where I'm from, that's, like, when you start experimenting with alcohol. I don't know, you know, what the norm is everywhere else. That's the norm where I'm from.
- [06:15]
Interviewer
I think for us, it was, like, eighth going into ninth.
- [06:20]
Riley
Okay.
- [06:21]
Interviewer
Yeah. We were young for everything, baby. Yeah. And we were fiends for it.
- [06:27]
Riley
That's how we were. Like, we. I just. I can think of, like, memories of, like, me and my friend, like, reaching out to our friend who had an older sister. Can we get this? Like, can you get us something for this? And it just turned us into, like, these little creatures.
- [06:43]
Interviewer
So accurate.
- [06:44]
Riley
Yeah, it really did. And I don't know, I was told from, like, eighth grade on, like, my mom was like, if you get caught drinking, like, you will be in trouble. And that fear. I did fear her, but that fear only lasted so long because, like, once all your friends are doing it, like, yeah.
- [07:02]
Interviewer
And you, like, figure out a good way to sneak it.
- [07:04]
Riley
Correct.
- [07:04]
Interviewer
You're like, whatever. Not gonna get caught.
- [07:06]
Riley
Exactly. And, like, I just would never hang out at home. Like, I would go to my friend's houses where their parents didn't care. I don't know. It's just highly normalized. So we started drinking at a young age, and then, you know, that just snowballed into something crazy because I barely even remember the first time that I drank. Like, when I think back, I can think of, like, three instances that I. I'm pretty sure are, like, morphing. Together. But I do kind of remember the first time that I drank. I got so sick. We were in the backseat of, like, my best friend's stepdad's van, and, like, I was like, I'm gonna throw up. And my friends are like, you have to hold it together. And I, like, threw up in my sleeve.
- [07:46]
Interviewer
Oh, my God.
- [07:47]
Riley
Right? And, like, a normal person would be like, ugh. Like, I don't ever want to go through that again. And I was like, I want to do that again and again and again and again. And it's just crazy to think, like, from eighth grade, like, I became, like, a weekend warrior. Like, I was looking forward to the weekend because I got to be with my friends, I got to hang out with boys, I got to drink. And that was, like, all I looked forward to. And that became my lifestyle, like, really early on, because I think about next as high school, and, like, I did not care about academics in school. I went to an art school, so I did. I had, like, a major in high school, and I did kind of uphold that part because I enjoyed it. But everything else, academics completely tanked. I can't say I tried very hard. And again, I was just, like, living for the weekend. What boy do I like right now? Like, what are we. What party are we gonna go to this weekend? I just became, like, a party animal at a young age. I loved the lifestyle. I loved the way alcohol made me feel, and I've always loved the way alcohol made me feel. But I was underage, so it's like, when you're in high school, it's just not as easy to get access to it again. We were doing that whole, like, whose big sisters, cousins, friends, friends of a cousin can get us liquor? So it wasn't as accessible. And my parents, like, they barely really had alcohol in the house that I had access to. I was too scared, really, to, like, steal something from them. It got to a point where I was. But early on, and that's when I was kind of, like, I felt, like, this overwhelming sense. It started, like, the weekdays where I was at school. I started, like, thinking in the back of my mind, like, how am I going to get that feeling, like, during the week? Which is crazy. I think, like, a lot of. I don't know. I don't know many people in high school that were so dependent on substances. And a lot of the people that I think back on now that were. Are sober now or, like, you know, trying to get sober, but it got to a point where, you know, I'm Drinking all the time. I'm getting in trouble all the time for drinking. Like, showing up at my house on a Friday night, just completely blacked out. My sophomore year, I went to, like, a football game, like, our big rival football game got blacked out and was carried by my vice principal to my parents. And, like, it was talked about that maybe there was a problem. But, like, what do you do when you're, like, 16? Like, my parents, I don't think were ready to, like, take on that. That conversation or to be like, we're going to send you to rehab. That was not even on the table.
- [10:36]
Interviewer
Well, I think, too, it's. It's kind of difficult to decipher between, like, is my child just going through a phase in high school of drinking every weekend, which is very normal, for sure, or is this a problem? And I think that something interesting that you added in is, like, just, you know, relating it back to my personal experience. Like, I think, you know, my best friend and I, we, like, were the same way in the sense of, like, where are we gonna get it? Like, this weekend, all we cared about was partying and boys, you know, and drinking and. But I think the difference is it never did overlap into the week where we were, like, we need to feel this feeling during the week, too. And that is. You know, I think that is, like, a core difference, like, you know, with something of knowing that it's. It might be a bigger issue.
- [11:25]
Riley
It's. It's. I just, like, remember dreading Mondays.
- [11:30]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [11:31]
Riley
Because Monday meant, like, the start of, like, my journey to the weekend. And those days felt like years high school. When I think back to, it just felt so long because I was miserable up until my junior year when I discovered pot. And after that, I was like, okay, this is gonna be the thing that I can do.
- [11:53]
Interviewer
I can get you through.
- [11:54]
Riley
This is gonna be the thing that gets me through the week. And it became this whole balancing act because I realized marijuana was, like, my first true love. Like, I say that, like, I loved alcohol, but I really loved pot because it felt like I could do it whenever. I could do it on the weekends. I could do it on the weekdays. It was fully accessible because it wasn't legal. So, you know, everybody that was selling it, like, they're not gonna carve me or do something crazy. But I. I just absolutely loved it. And what I also loved was, like, it counteracted the experience that I was getting for Adderall, because I think there's something to be said about, like, the effect of your. The the effect of Adderall on like your well being. Like I was just neurotic all of high school, like tumultuous fights with my parents, like I just had behavioral issues. And part of that was probably like based in, you know, my own self misery or whatever. But also part of that is probably rooted in like I'm on like a prescribed meth. Like I was just on such a strong drug and so when I smoked wee, like it just felt like it counteracted all of that and I could like relax and.
- [13:05]
Interviewer
Do you think when you were drinking alcohol and you, you were on Adderall that whole time, does it. Do you think that intensified the effect?
- [13:13]
Riley
100%. 100%. And it allowed me to like keep drinking more. I just. They don't mix very well. Yeah, they don't mix notoriously, so they do not mix well. But I noticed like I could take my Adderall on the weekends, like double dose and be able to drink more, party longer, stay up later, which I would graduate into something else later on in life that had the same effect. But yeah, so pretty much from that point on when I discovered weed, I was smoking around the clock. Like it was my first full dependency on a substance. I was skipping school by this point, either to smoke and do nothing or I would like miss the first part of school just so I could smoke and show up high. It was just like a whole. It's so messy. Like all the things I was doing is just a mess. I barely graduated high school. I'd like take online classes. They didn't know if I was going to walk and I didn't care. I didn't care because all I cared about was getting rid of the way that I was feeling. And what I didn't realize then was like those were the things that were causing me to feel that way. But you know, I mean, it is what it is. And high school was very messy and it's. I have good memories, but a lot of it feels really bad. Like in my heart, like when I think back on those times, I'm like, I cannot believe I lived like that. Like waking up early before my parents, before the sun even rose, just so I could like smoke a bowl in my garage and then going and getting ready for school just to drive up the hill and park my car and sleep in my car in high school all in the name of like smoking weed and getting high. That's just like, that's crazy to me. And I'll touch briefly on college because it really was exactly that it was brief. I, you know, went to school. I did not go there for academics. I did not care. I ended up dropping out, you know, my second year in, because I just couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop smoking. I was spending all my money on drinking, all my money on smoking. I could not hold a job because that got in the way of partying. And it was also a mess, if not a bigger mess than college. And I just wasn't able also to, like, fund my habit because I wasn't willing to give up the partying to work. And it was just. It was unmanageable, all of it. Who's completely unmanageable? And I didn't understand what was wrong. I, like, truly thought that I was going to get it together one day, but one day was never going to come with the way that I was drinking. Like, I would always say, like, I'll stop tomorrow, but tomorrow was never going to come. Like, it just. I had gotten too deep. And once I turned 21 and alcohol became fully accessible to me, weed became my least of. The least of my concerns, because I can now get something that was cheaper, something that was easier to access, and something that was legal. And I really feel like that was a turning point in my relationship with drinking, because up until this point, it was all drinking but fun. Kind of. Like, there were consequences, but all of them seemed pretty minimal, and they were pretty minimal. And then once I became of legal age to drink, it became drinking with consequences. It was sometimes fun, sometimes consequences, but the consequences were getting more serious. And by, you know, the time that I left college, my college roommates, I was living in a house with eight girls, and they all kind of sat me down. And it wasn't necessarily having to do with my drinking, but it was because at this point, I had gotten in so many fights with them, like, drunk, that I wouldn't. I would wake up the next morning and have no recollection of. And that was happening way and way more frequently. And on top of that, like, I wasn't paying rent. I was being, like, a terrible roommate. And it hurt because, like, a lot of them were my close friends, and they truly did that out of, like, genuine concern for me. And they were like, this is just not working, because it wasn't. And at the time, like, I felt so angry because I had never been called out like that in such a way. Um, and I. I will never forget. Like, I drove back to Louisville. I was in school in Lexington. It's about an hour away. And on that entire drive back, I just remember thinking, like, I can't keep drinking this way. Because I knew, part of me knew that it was like the core of what was going wrong. But I did not think that I was an alcoholic by any means. I just knew that it was getting in the way of what I wanted, which was to be a normal college girl who, you know, had it all going. But I ended up moving back in with my parents. And that living with your parents after you turn like 21 is just, I don't know if, like, alcoholic or not. It's tough.
- [18:11]
Interviewer
Yeah, I think too. Especially if you've had the experience of being out.
- [18:15]
Riley
Yeah.
- [18:16]
Interviewer
Who wants to go back?
- [18:17]
Riley
No, not me. And it was. That was probably one of the roughest periods. That's honestly, I, like, went slightly uphill. I got a job and started making a lot of money and I felt like I was like returning back on top. Like, yeah, I was making a paycheck. Really? I mean, like, this is great. I finally have, like, oh, my gosh, I have all the money in the world. I was making, like $800 a week. I was in. That was more than I had ever made. And it's just like, I felt like I was slightly going uphill. And then it all just like started crashing and burning all over again. It was just like I could never get it right.
- [18:55]
Interviewer
It's a cycle.
- [18:56]
Riley
It is. It's a vicious cycle. And it was. I worked. I started Food and Bev and I loved it because very quickly I realized people were drinking on the job, which that appealed to me. I didn't know you could do that, like you could take a shot at work and that was normal. And we had like a dive bar right next to the restaurant that I worked at. And everybody would go there after work and drink and hang out and it would be like, all light hearted. And I would just take it to the next level. Don't drink with your co workers. People would say, like, yeah, I mean, I don't like to go to the after work things. Like, I remember this one co worker, he was like, I don't like to go to the after work things. I like to go and get drunk at my own house in the comforts of my own home because I've showed my ass too many times. I had never really worked a job, so I didn't know what he meant. I figured out really quick, like, getting drunk with your coworkers.
- [19:47]
Interviewer
Not the move.
- [19:48]
Riley
No, no, not the move. And I kept doing it. And then I was like, I Hate this. I'll just drink at home, I'll just go out with my friends. I had befriended somebody that I worked with and her and I were just partying all the time. And it just got to the point where I don't know, I was like, I, I had no direction that I was going in. I was like, am I going to work in a restaurant my whole life? Which if I do, fine. But I wanted more for myself. I just didn't know how to make it happen. And I didn't have that clarity because I was drinking like every night. Every. At this point I don't think I was drinking every day, but I just didn't have the clarity. And I don't know, I just went hard in the paint. And it eventually got to the point where my parents were like, you have to leave, like you have to figure something out. And they didn't give me a very big time frame. And I was somebody living paycheck to paycheck. So I kind of started freaking out and I made an apartment work for a little bit and this is kind of the major turning point. I, I move out. Somehow some way. I, I like did like a one month lease somewhere and then I signed with an apartment with three other girls and I didn't pay rent for like three months that I lived there. And I knew I was either going to get evicted soon or something bad was really going to happen. And at this point like I wasn't even at the apartment ever. I just did not care to be there. I was just out partying, kind of using it as like a crash pad. And I go out one night with this girl that I grew up with, just randomly we go out and she's like come back to my house and in the middle of the night I like, I guess wanted to smoke weed or something and I went out. It was like all in her car, I can't really remember, but I woke up like slumped over in her back seat and it's freezing and all the doors are open. I don't even know what I did. I was like looking for it I guess. And I just fell asleep in the passeng or the back seat and I was like shivering and I like went inside and I was like, I gotta go home. And I like went to my parents house randomly because it was close to where we were staying. And I would do that sometimes I would like sneak into their house while they were gone and just like hang out and then go to my crash pad. And I went there this one morning and I was stoked because nobody was there. And I was just gonna cure my hangover, make myself food. And I'm, like, sitting downstairs, and at this point, like, I'm on pretty bad terms with my family. Like, we're not really talking. We're not arguing, but we're not talking. Like, I just was not being a good family member because, again, like, all I really cared about was partying, stuff like that. And my sister walks through the door, and she's like, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I have just as much of a right to be here as you do. And she was like, you know, you're not supposed to be here, and mom's upstairs. And I had no idea my mom was even there. Like, I was just downstairs hanging out the whole time. And I, like, try to go outside, and this is kind of blurry, but this is, like, a major turning point. It all just happened so fast. I go outside to try and get in my car, and my sister runs out and, like, pulls my keys out. We, like, getting, like, a little scrap, and she's like, we want to talk and stuff like that. And it just got very heated very quickly. And next thing I know, you know, me and my mom and my sister were all arguing. It's so heated. I feel the most rage I have ever felt in my life. I somehow get my keys back from my sister, get in the car, and I just start driving. And that was the most insane I had ever felt in my life. Like, truly, I don't. To this day, me and my sister cannot remember what we were fighting about. Just started out of nowhere, and I just start driving, and I'm like, what am I going to do? Like, I'm about to get evicted from this apartment. I have my last paycheck. I had lost my job at the restaurant at this point because I had showed up drunk, and then I had not shown up at all. I didn't mention that. But I lost my job, last paycheck. Coming in, like, about to be evicted. Like, what am I going to do? And. And naturally, I just, like, start driving. And this is from Louisville. I get to Indiana. It's not very far, and I'm like, I wonder if I should just drive to Chicago just to, like. I don't know, maybe I need to see a new site. Maybe I need to be inspired by something. Maybe I just need a geographic change and that'll fix everything. And I just kind of. I don't know. I. I started driving, and then I get to Chicago, and By this point, like my sisters and my family are kind of looking for me because they, they, it was really heated, the argument was. And they're like seeing that I'm in Chicago and I start neurotically posting on my stories like I'm, I'm moving to la. I'm moving to California. I'm driving and I just put in Los Angeles in my phone and I started the drive like along Route 66, which is, it was so insane. And I remember just driving through the night that first night and getting to Oklahoma and I'm like, I get into my hotel room early morning and I had had like three things of boxed wine in my car because I had been able to hold out at this. I was so hungover. And I had three little things of boxed wine in my car and I get in my hotel room in Oklahoma, I'm like hysterically sobbing because I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Like, I don't know how this is going to work. I had like $600 at the time. I knew I was going to have my last paycheck coming, but I had never driven to California. I didn't know if 600 was going to get me there or not.
- [25:51]
Interviewer
And how far was it from where you were?
- [25:53]
Riley
Oh Gosh, it's like 26 hours. It's like a 26 hour drive.
- [25:56]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [25:58]
Riley
And you were all by yourself and.
- [26:00]
Interviewer
You didn't have like any of your stuff really. Right.
- [26:01]
Riley
Like just what you had. I had like, I was like living out of my car a little bit because with the eviction thing I was like, I should just keep like a mini closet in my car. I had like a good decent collection of shoes. I had both my guitars and my clothes. But yeah, like all of my other stuff I did not have access to. And I honestly, this is really messed up. But my parents kind of knew that that was happening. I don't remember how they like knew that the apartment was falling through. And I told myself, like, they'll figure it out because that's what my parents always did. They cleaned up all my messes all the time. And I was like, they'll figure it out. So selfish. But that's where I was at. And honestly, like, I've had the opportunity to make amends for that. But insane. And oh, I, I like chugged all three of the boxes of wine and like passed out and woke up and was like, I'm either really going to drive to California and I've already said I'm going to do it. I put it on all my stories. I was like, insane on social media when back in the day I would. It makes me cringe sometimes. But, yeah, I was like, I'm either really going to do this or I'm going to turn around and go home. And I decided. I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. I need a spiritual experience. I thought it was going to give me that when, you know, I just didn't. Again, I didn't have the clarity to receive one. I didn't have the clarity to, like, receive positive stuff like that. But I told myself that moving to California was going to fix everything, because that's what I had seen in movies. That's like the American dream to move out to la. And I don't know. But, yeah, I. So I started. I woke up again. Like, the schedule was all messed up from that day on because, like, I had gotten there early morning. And I told myself, I can drive 12 hours a day and then just drink in the evening and do whatever I want. I can find a dive bar. I can buy liquor. It was just like, again, everything was centered around being able to drink. This whole spiritual experience that I wanted was centered around drinking. And so I started Oklahoma. And I think I got to Texas. And Texas is scary. The Panhandle specifically is like, a lot of nothing. And it is. I've talked to other people that have done the journey. I was like, in a little chat group afterwards because I just wanted to see what people's interpretation was of it, because I was like, Texas was insane. And I had a complete mental breakdown. I really was like, oh, my God. I'm in a 97 Ford Explorer. And everywhere, like, on both sides of the roads, you're seeing telephones, like, for emergencies. You're seeing tire shops. I'm like, these are all I was.
- [28:57]
Interviewer
Picturing in my head.
- [28:58]
Riley
Oh, my God. The little things from Courage, the Cowardly dog, the windmill. Yes, it was scary. I was like, oh, my God. And all on top of all of this, I was listening to Forensic Files. Like, I'm like, oh, if I'm setting the vibe. Yeah, if I want to know how my episode's going to go, like, literally. But I was listening to Forensic Files. And then eventually I had, like, a serious nervous breakdown. I'm not somebody who like, like, struggles with anxiety attacks or anything like that. I'd never experienced one. And I had a bodily and mental reaction to being in Texas. And that is the first time that I pulled over because I just couldn't handle it. And I think I was really close, I believe, to New Mexico. And I pulled over because I just couldn't wait any longer. I hadn't even made the 12 hour driving mark. I just couldn't wait any longer to drink. And I had stopped somewhere and gotten like a whole bottle. I think it was Jack Daniels because I was like, that makes sense. I'm in Texas, I'll drink whiskey. I was like, I was just fucking insane. And I was like, okay, I'll just get a handle and then this will last me to California. This will, this will carry me through.
- [30:12]
Interviewer
And would you just drink it straight?
- [30:14]
Riley
Yeah. Yeah, I did. Not to. To this day, like, I'm a no frills person. Like, I don't really care about a chaser. I mean, I would go into a gas station, I think, and get something, but I have no problem. Yeah, had no problem with drinking liquor from the bottle at that point. It's like purely, purely necessity. It's like when you're not drinking, like there was no pleasure involved. There was the pleasure in making what I was feeling go away. But that anxiety, like it was purely out of necessity. Drinking alcohol. Every story you love, every invention that moves you, Every idea you wished was yours. All began as nothing. Just a blank page with a blinking cursor asking a simple question. What do you see? Great ideas. Start on Mac. Find out more on apple.com Mac hi, I'm here to pick up my son, Milo. There's no Milo here who picked up my son from school. Streaming only on Peacock. I'm gonna need the name of everyone that could have a connection. You don't understand. It was just the five of us. So this was all planned. What are you gonna do? I will do whatever it takes to get my son back. I honestly didn't see this coming. These nice people killing each other. All her fault. A new series streaming now only on Peacock. And I. I like pulled over in like a gas station. I've even tried to look it up. I don't really understand what it was. It was like park gas station part like Dunkin Donuts. I'm pretty sure I could be wrong, but I remember there being like pastries or something. I don't know. I was like, not well. I was like full blown freaking out. And I was like, I need to drink and I need to sleep. And I knew that if I drank I was going to pass out. But I would just say like sleep to make myself feel better. But I knew I was gonna, like, pass out from drinking. And I went inside and I talked to the girl, like, working behind the counter at, like, the Dunkin Donut little situation. And I was like, hey, I'm traveling alone. I need to sleep right now. And it was at a truck stop, I believe, so there was, like, a bunch of trucks. I was like, I need to sleep right now. Would you mind. I'm in this car outside in that spot. Would you mind, like, checking on me before you leave? And she was like, yeah, sure. I'm off in eight hours. And I was like, great. I'm only gonna need that. And I think I went in my car, locked all the doors, chugged as much alcohol as I could, and. And I woke up almost like. I think, like a day later. Like, I think I slept for, like, 20 hours. Like, something like that. Like, it was really bad. And that was like, a culmination of things like the alcohol, the lack of sleep, just strung out. I had been partying before this trip, like, day in and day out. And I, like, the shame that I felt when I walked in to use the bathroom. And, like, she wasn't even there. And, like, I knew what time and day it finally was. I was like, wow. Like, I really just drank my way into, like, 20. I lost, like, a whole day. And that was really hard because I really started losing, like, my sense of time at this point, too. When I was drinking, like, I really. Some days I would drink so much that I genuinely wouldn't know what day it was. I would wake up and drink and go back to bed leading up to this, and I wouldn't know what day it was. And I carried so much shame from that because it's just crazy to think that. I didn't think that I was an alcoholic yet. And looking back, like. But that trip, that was just nuts. And I also had mentioned that when I was in Oklahoma, I had had to go to autozone for something on my car. And the minute autozone, like, came out and fixed all these things in my car, they were super sweet. But I. So I get back on the road from Texas. I, like, try to collect myself, and I start driving again. And this whole time I'm like, like, in complete fear of just my car breaking down. I also. Sorry, I'm, like, kind of all over the place.
- [34:38]
Interviewer
No, not at all. I'm following along perfectly.
- [34:40]
Riley
I also, before I left Kentucky, I had also had legal stuff hanging over me. And that was a big motivator for me to, like, get out of town because I Just, like, couldn't flee. Correct. I wanted to flee. That was actually, like. I'm surprised that I forgot about that because that was, like, a huge motivator for me. And so I was also. I remember my lawyer, like, texting me, like, your court dates in January, and I left in December. And he was like, are you going to let this get worse before it gets better? And I literally texted him, yes, and was already in, like, on my way to New Mexico at this point. So that text message exchange had happened right around, I think, when I got into New Mexico. And so I was also scared of, like, I don't know. I don't know how the legal system works. And I was like, what if I got pulled over? And, like, I didn't know. I felt like if I missed court, I'm pretty sure my lawyer would have figured it out. But I told myself I was gonna get a bench warrant or something. Insane. My mind just went to, like, the most insane places. My. You know, I had paid to have a lawyer and all this stuff, but I was just thinking, worst case scenario. And I was just driving this whole trip with complete fear. And also, I'm a woman traveling alone. Like, there's that layer. And I get to New Mexico, and it's the most beautiful place I've ever been. Like, it looks like Mars. And I'm trying to take it all in, and I just start crying because this whole journey was, like, so breathtaking in a way. Like, if you've ever traveled Route 66, it's so stunning, and it's historical, and it's like, this whole thing, and I was, like, doing it all alone. And I felt like the loneliest I had ever felt in, like, more ways than one. And, like, my sister and I were best friends up until, like, this fight. Like, she was my best friend. And I was like, I'm. She could have been doing this with me. And I'm, like, doing this all alone, and I'm running away. Why am I doing this? Like, why can't I just be normal? Like, why can't I just have a normal life? And I. I just had so many mental breakdowns on this whole journey. But I really remember being in New Mexico being like, this is so beautiful, and I have to experience this all alone. So I got the hell out of there. And getting to Arizona, you know, that part was really cool. I do remember one night parking in a grocery store. And again, like, I would do these weird things sometimes. I stayed in hotels the length of the trip. I can't Remember, it's like five days. But there were nights, I think two nights that I paid for Motel Sixes. The one when I was in Oklahoma. And then another time, and there was one night where I had planned to stay in a hotel, and I think it was in Arizona. And I went to a grocery store parking lot because I was gonna go in and get groceries and then walk to this dive bar. And it was all within walking distance of the hotel that I wanted to stay at. There's the grocery store, there's the dive bar, there's the hotel sort of thing. And so I just like, was planning on walking and I was like gonna park. I was like gonna. I don't even know what I was gonna do, but I knew I was gonna walk to all three. And I just drank in the grocery store parking lot and I like passed out. I somehow got in the backseat of my car and passed out. And I woke up a few hours later to like a lady like looking in on my car and she had her phone in her hand, like she was gonna call someone. And I was like, no, I'm fine. Like, got out of the car and I was like, I'm good, thank you. And I was really embarrassed because I passed out drunk in my car. She probably thought I was like overdosing or something, I don't know. And I felt really ashamed with that. And I get to California and I wish I could say it got better. I really do. It did not. I got there and essentially I had nowhere really to stay. My friend, I had texted him on the way there. He said you could stay with me for a little bit. My roommate's out of town. He's gonna be out of town. You're more than welcome until you find somewhere. But when I was there, I was just. I don't know, I was looking for alcohol, looking for the party I was trying to find. Weed's legal there. So I was just trying to find a way to escape myself. Even then I somehow managed to find a job. I was like walking one night to go get canned tuna to make like a tuna salad. And. And there was like this event opening thing, like a pop up looking thing. And I saw people holding alcohol. And I was like, I bet there's free alcohol in there. And there was. And I went in and I figured out it was a. It was an auction for a local public, public school. And I was talking to these two people and they needed help with their house. I did not know what they meant at all. They were like, we need help. Like, organizing our house. We'll pay cash. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then they were the most hospitable people. They, like, fed me, let me stay with them. They were so kind. And then one day, I, like, they had a whole bar at their house. And one day I, like, was drinking all day while I was working. Like, they didn't even know I was just stealing alcohol from them. And I was cleaning out one of their cars in the middle of the day in downtown la. And next thing I know, I wake up in their daughter's bed at, like, 4 in the morning, and I'm like, how did I get here? And I had, like, passed out cleaning the car. They had, like, put me to bed. And the next morning they were like, we just want to help you. Like, we don't know what's going on. We don't know you, but we feel like we know you and we just want to help you. So naturally, I ran away from them. Like, I was like, I. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need help.
- [40:23]
Interviewer
It's probably like, the shame and the guilt.
- [40:25]
Riley
Oh, a hundred percent. Like, there's no. How do you come back from that?
- [40:29]
Interviewer
Like, right?
- [40:30]
Riley
It's. It was like the worst. It was one of top, top five worst anxiety, like, waking up in their child's bed. I was like, oh, my God. Like, what have I done?
- [40:39]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [40:41]
Riley
Oh, my God. But they were so kind and, like, they were incredible people. And I don't know, I. You know, and I. I tried to stay with these two girls that I had known from high school, and I ended up, like, screwing them over. And then I meet a friend, another friend that I know from high school, and they're like, you can come stay with me and my family. Well, at first I was just, like, hanging out with them and stuff like that. And then Covid hit. And when that happened, this person was like, you can come stay with me and my family. And they completely took me in. And I did the same thing. I was stealing alcohol from, like, their bar and, like, getting too drunk. And one day I'm like, you know, it's 12 in the afternoon, and I'm helping their mom with something, and I just go in and out and in and out and again. I wake up at, like, 4 in the morning in the bed, like, how did I get here? And it was the same shit all over again. And so they kind of were like, in a very gentle way, they were like, we don't know what's going on with COVID Or like, what the situation is. But their uncle, like, the mom's brother, had been staying with them, and he was going to travel back to Philadelphia, back across Route 66, and he was like, do you want to go back and I'll take you home? Because at this point, it'd been, like, seven months. And they were gently like, you should go home now.
- [42:01]
Interviewer
In the seven months, did you have any communication with your family?
- [42:03]
Riley
I had had some communication with my youngest sister and my dad, but none with my mom and my sister, who I'd argue with zero, little to none. And if it was, it was really negative. And I think it was when I first got there. But my youngest sister and my dad had sent me a box of my clothes and that they got when they cleaned up my apartment, because they did go and do that, like, just as I selfishly assumed. And my sister had written me a handwritten note. And I still. I, like, have pictures of it on my Snapchat because it moved me. And there's, like, the picture. I actually just looked it up the other day because there's tears all over it. But other than that, no, I had no communication with them. So towards the end, my dad was like, I would send you a check for enough to get you a plane ticket. And I said, okay, send it. And then right as the check arrived was when this conversation got brought up. So I actually used that money to get me home. And I told my dad I was like, I'm coming home. And they knew something was wrong. But when I showed up, I had. Not that it matters, but I had gained 40 pounds. I looked just completely different. When I see pictures of myself, like, you can tell that something was, like, really wrong. Like, my whole body, I. I looked like I had a sunburn. Like, the natural signs of alcoholism.
- [43:28]
Interviewer
And is that what, like, you think that's why you gained weight? Just, like, from the alcohol and the swelling and stuff?
- [43:32]
Riley
Absolutely that. And I was just, like, eating like crazy. And also, like, right before I left, I had gone off Adderall cold turkey completely. Yeah. So then, you know, I'm taking away something that my whole entire life had kept me thin or whatever that I had abused to be thin. And that's a whole story for a different time. But, yeah, so I had gained, like, 40 pounds, and I looked just so swollen and puffy. I see pictures of myself from that time period, and I don't even recognize myself.
- [44:02]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [44:03]
Riley
And it's so crazy now because I can tell when somebody. Just a random person that I'll see on the street. I can tell sometimes, like if they're struggling with alcohol abuse because of just.
- [44:15]
Interviewer
Bodily, like there's certain swelling. Yeah.
- [44:17]
Riley
Yes. And the redness, like it is crazy. And my breathing was like really shallow. It was like, just not in good health. And I show up and like me and my sisters are so classic. Like, we just like talked like nothing ever happened. Like, hey. And it went like that. And then we never stopped talking after that. But from the jump, my parents were like, this is not. You are not okay. And they had like a personal bar at their house. I was stealing alcohol from them to the point where like they took all of it out. And my mom, like, she'll have a cocktail after work or something like that, but again, like nothing serious by any means. And she would make her work cocktail and keep her bottle of liquor like right there by her so that I couldn't get to it. And I would do some freak shit to get some alcohol. Like I would army crawl in their room at this point to like find the bottle or steal money out of their wallet to go get alcohol. Because I had no money at this point. Zero dollars and zero cents. And I needed every possible way to get alcohol that I could. And I fully relied on my parents for it. And they were by no means feeding it to me. I shared on TikTok a lot about this. But like people are like, why would your parents keep alcohol in the house if they knew you had a problem with alcohol? It was their house. And also like, like I said, my mom kept it right near her. It's just like, if there is a will, there is a way. And if someone is an alcoholic, they are going to get alcohol no matter what.
- [45:52]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [45:53]
Riley
I got like a little weird job where I was working on golf courses. So I could. That was another way I could drink. Because that's like highly normalized.
- [46:03]
Interviewer
Little drive around. Yeah.
- [46:05]
Riley
Yeah. I was like, oh my gosh. And that was very short lived. But that gave me cash. And sometimes I could get liquor. But it really wasn't until coming home that I was like something. I am. I think I might be an alcoholic. There's something wrong. Because there was even a day where like I tried to give my ID to a friend so that I could not. Because there was like a liquor store within a mile of my house, like walking a mile. That was nothing.
- [46:32]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [46:33]
Riley
And I was like, I'm gonna give you this so that I literally can't walk up there and buy liquor. And then less than 24 hours later, I'm like, withdrawing, feening. And there was a liquor store that was six miles away, and there was only two people that ever worked there. I'd been going there since high school. One of them carted you and one of them didn't. And I was willing to walk six miles just to find out.
- [46:54]
Interviewer
It was.
- [46:55]
Riley
I knew there were so many different instances that I knew that alcohol was the number one problem in my life, or at least so I thought. But the reality was, it was like my entire solution to everything that I had going on. It was the only coping mechanism I knew to deal with all the shit that I had created. At this point in my life, it's like such a serious and sick disease. Like, it's. It's crazy to think that, you know, I lived like that. But at the time, like, I was thinking it was really insane. But I also felt like, nor like it was normal. That had become my way of living for, like, two years. And it got to a point where I. I was like, okay, I am so scared to keep living my life with alcohol in it, but I am also so scared to live my life without it. And essentially, a choice was presented to me by my dad. He was like, you know, have to get help. Like, there's no other option. There's no way out of this. But through, like, you have to go to rehab. And that word had never even been thrown around. I didn't even think it was a possibility. And he was like, this is the insurance we have. You can figure this out. We know you can. And I did. And I found one in Indiana. And I genuinely. My expectation going into it was like, okay, they're going to teach me how to drink better. They're going to teach me my triggers, and they're going to teach me how to have three drinks and go home. Like, I genuinely thought they were going.
- [48:22]
Interviewer
To, like, you didn't think you were going to, like, like, just quit?
- [48:25]
Riley
No.
- [48:26]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [48:26]
Riley
I knew I was going to quit for the 30 days I was there, but I didn't think that it was going to be like, I had to stop drinking.
- [48:32]
Interviewer
Yeah. Just, like, how to manage it better.
- [48:33]
Riley
Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. I was going to manage it. I was going to learn how to manage the way that I drank.
- [48:39]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [48:41]
Riley
But when I got there, like, on the way there, I'd been drinking. My dad was like, you've been drinking? I was like, no, never. And then they breathalyzed me when I got there. And really quickly, like, the first night that I was there, I Realized how physically dependent I was because I had never gone, like, more than 24 hours. Like, nothing close to it. And even then, like, I had just always had something to help me go to bed. And the first night was, like, so hard. It was insane. I was like, I never want to do that again. And then I did it three more times. The next three days were, like, no better. And then they kind of, like, started talking to me, and they were like, do you think you're an alcoholic? And I was like, I don't even know what an alcoholic is. Like, it's just like, some old dude who passes out in a recliner, is, like, divorced, has no rights to his kids, like, has lost everything, essentially. Like, that was my. That was, like. My description of an alcoholic was somebody who had lost everything. It was their last option. But they were like, actually, the way we kind of see it, the way that, you know, it's defined us, is like, once you start drinking, you can't stop, which, duh. That's like, that was a duh for me. And there were some other things thrown in. In there, too. I'm trying to think. I don't know. But that was the main thing for me, is, like, once I started drinking, like, I truly couldn't stop. And once I started drinking, like, it was all that I thought about, and, like, my bottom was pretty low. Like, I had lost pretty much everything. And it only took me getting to rehab to realize that, like, I had told myself, like, things weren't that bad, when in reality, like, things were way worse than I even imagined. And I needed that clarity. I needed to sober up and have, like, time sober to realize, like, even just five days, I was like, wow, like, I've actually made quite a mess.
- [50:30]
Interviewer
Did you go through withdrawal?
- [50:32]
Riley
Yes. Like, the first three days were really bad. It was, like, shaking violently. I was sweating. Like, I've never sweat like that in my entire life. I was sweating, shaking, like, chills. Like, I felt like I was freezing cold. The nighttime was terrible. It was the hardest part. It's definitely, like, it's something that every alcoholic and addict fears is going into withdrawal.
- [50:55]
Interviewer
So prior to that, you never even let yourself go long enough without drinking to even get to that point?
- [51:01]
Riley
Never. Or without anything?
- [51:03]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [51:03]
Riley
For almost two years.
- [51:05]
Interviewer
Right. And I feel like something like, feeling, like you said at that moment, you realize how dependent you really were on it.
- [51:10]
Riley
Absolutely. Because I was like, I wouldn't be having this. I didn't. I used to think, like, it was because there would be some mornings that I would have to, like, figure out how I was getting alcohol, and I would think it was a hangover.
- [51:22]
Interviewer
Right.
- [51:23]
Riley
And it wasn't a hangout. Like, I. I know what withdrawal feels like now, and I've experienced it, and I can assure myself that, like, there have been times where I've gone into withdrawal. And it was just, like, having it at such a length of time, like, withdrawing for such a length of time, it is such a scary experience. But it was a medical facility, so, like, people were monitoring it. Like, I do not encourage anybody to withdraw either side by themselves. It's, like, so intense. Yeah, it's like. It is unlike anything. It's like a worst nightmare scenario. But I did it. And once I got through those days, like, it became a little bit easier. I'd never felt my body and, like, my brain without alcohol. I mean, I drink. You couldn't drink caffeine for the first three days there. And I had a green tea. And this is funny, because I had been on a stimulant my whole life, and I had a green tea, like, my fourth day there, and it, like, felt like I. Oh, my God. I felt euphoric. I was like, this is. I hadn't. I hadn't even been able to feel the effects of caffeine. I had just been under the influence of something else for so long. I kind of. You know, I was like, okay, I think I might be an alcoholic. Like, I started identifying with some of the women, and people were sharing their stories, and they had done things that I had done. And that was so freeing to hear. Like, I didn't know anybody else. Like me. I grew up in a place where we didn't talk about that or, like, you know, it was taboo to have, like, legal problems at, like, 21. And I just had nobody to talk about these things with, and I wasn't going to therapy. And those women at that treatment center became, like, huge, like, turning points in me as a person, because I felt like for the first time, I could resonate with people. And they identified as alcoholics, and they were getting better. And I was like, if they've done all these things that I've done and they're here and I'm here, like, I might be an alcoholic. And I think once I made that admission, like, my whole world changed, because I could never unsee myself as that from that point on, which I think some people, like, are like, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic? But I'm like, once I am, like, I always will be. I'm not somebody who can moderate their alcohol just ever. But after, you know, I kind of made that admission and I did treatment. We were doing therapy and like, groups and stuff like that. I. I was like, I want to be sober when I leave here, like, fully sober. I don't want to smoke weed. I don't California sober. I don't want to do any of it. I want to be off my Adderall. I just want a raw dog life when I get out of here. And that's exactly what I did. I got into sober living in Charleston, and as soon as I got out of treatment, I was home for a week, and then they shipped me off to Charleston. And sober living was. It's like such a remarkable experience. Everybody has different mixed opinions. It's like in the sober community, people are like, ah, like sober living because it's kind of like it's bridging the gap between treatment and like, the real world, essentially, because you're given, like, a set of rules and tools to live by. Like, we had a curfew the first 30 days, and like, I had a chore and you had to have a role in the house. And it was cool. And I have really fond memories.
- [54:41]
Interviewer
How long were you there for?
- [54:43]
Riley
I was there for almost two years. Wow.
- [54:45]
Interviewer
Yeah. So it's long.
- [54:47]
Riley
It shouldn't be.
- [54:48]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [54:48]
Riley
It shouldn't be. It's supposed to be a stepping stone. And I think I kind of. That's where I went wrong. I know I'm talking a lot, but.
- [54:56]
Interviewer
No, you're doing great.
- [54:58]
Riley
I think that's where I went wrong is, like, I used it because I had my own room and the rent was like, cheap, Dirt cheap. It was 500amonth. That is unheard of.
- [55:09]
Interviewer
Yeah. You're not gonna find it.
- [55:11]
Riley
No. And I was like, oh, I'll just stay here as long as I need to. I like, I. And I also, at a certain point, like, I joined a 12 step program, and I was working that program up until when I thought I didn't need it anymore, which is not how it works. Like, it's supposed to be like, long term. Like, you do it consistently. And I was like, oh, I'm better now. Like, I don't need to, you know, do it as much. I was kind of doing it to, like, going to 12 step meetings to, like, socialize with people and not using it for what it's really there for. And on top of that, I was like, so fearful to lose where I was living that I think that fear kind of harvested like, long term sobriety for me too, because I was like, if I relapsed or if I drank, we got drug tested, and if I failed a drug test, I was out. And if I was out, where would I go?
- [56:00]
Interviewer
Yeah, I feel like for you, it probably felt so organized and routine.
- [56:05]
Riley
Absolutely.
- [56:05]
Interviewer
It felt like safe there.
- [56:08]
Riley
It's totally. It's. It was definitely like, I was very comfortable. And what I've learned is, like, if you're too comfortable, you're not growing. And that's kind of where I was at. And I had gone into a relationship against suggestions. Early on in sobriety, they kind of have this thing, like they suggest, you know, don't get into a relationship. You can repeat old patterns, old negative patterns of relationship, and it distracts you from your early recovery. And I went against all the suggestions that were handed to me. And ultimately, like, me and that person ended up breaking up. I moved out of sober living and I changed jobs. I had always been working in the mornings, and now I was working in the evenings, which was just throwing that routine completely out of sync. And on top of that, I'm not doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing. My 12 steps. And when the time came where. And the point of, like, the 12 steps is, like, it's supposed to help you create this defense against, like, the idea of the first drink so that you have a defense when the idea pops in your head, like, oh, maybe I should have a drink. Ten years from today, Lisa Schneider will train in her office job to become the leader of a pack of dogs as the owner of her own dog rescue. That is a second act made possible by the reskilling courses Lisa's taking now with AARP to help make sure her income lives as long as she does. And she can finally run with the big dogs and the small dogs who just think they're big dogs. That's why the younger you are, the more you need AARP. Learn more at aarp.org skills and eventually a time came where I was experiencing, like, a lot of emotional pain, a lot of big feelings that I had not experienced yet in early sobriety. And those started coming up. And my only solution, it seemed at the time was like, I should drink. And when that time came, like, that's exactly what I did. And I didn't do it normally. I, like, thought I had found a loophole. I was drinking vanilla extract and, like, lemon balm tinctures. These things that you get at Whole Foods, they just have pure green alcohol in them. They're not, like, inherently bad, but I was, like, abusing those and telling myself everything was okay. And, like, it just. It was so unmanageable all over again. And luckily, like, I won't even dive into it, but luckily, because there's not much to say about my relapse. It was seven months long. Pure hell. Same thing that I did before. It got to a point where I was drinking at night, like, after I got off work and just. It all seemed very normal. But within a month of drinking for the first time, I was back to drinking around the clock. And I think now I needed that to happen because it really solidified the fact for me that I cannot drink like a normal person. Because I had everything I needed at that point. I had money, I had a place to live, I had a car, I had a job. I had everything that would make my life seem whole and seem fulfilling. And when I drank, I lost my job, I lost my car, I lost all my money. I lost everything that I had spent those two years building for the sake of drinking. And if that's not an alcoholic, I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? And I was like, wow, I really. I don't know what a middle ground is. I don't know how to moderate. And I will never know that because that's not how I like to drink. I don't like to drink like a normal person. I like to drink in excess. I like to drink. No frills, no chaser, no spacing between drinking. It is just zero to 100. Because one for me is too many. And like, a thousand is never enough. So I'm grateful that I had that. And I ended up, you know, my parents, they drove up from Kentucky and surprised me on a whim. They had known that I had relapsed. I had gone to jail in this relapse for, like, a drunken disorderly. And. And all this crazy shit had happened. Shit that I never thought that I would have to go through again. Stuff that I had, like, worked so hard to amend in those two years, almost two years. And I was, like, back to square one. And my parents came from Kentucky, and they were like, you're going to rehab and you're going for 90 days this time. And luckily I went somewhere that I was actually familiar with. A lot of people in the sober community in Charleston, they're familiar with it. A lot of people in long term recovery had gone through this program, so I felt fully confident that they were gonna help me get to where I Needed to be. And that's exactly what I did. Went through withdrawal all over again. It's like I could not believe that I was in the exact same spot.
- [60:49]
Interviewer
Yeah, like, how are we here again?
- [60:51]
Riley
It was insane. Like, going back through withdrawal and like all the shit, it was nuts. And I got out in 90 days and I decided, I'm going to take suggestions. I'm going to do this thing to my full capacity and I'm going to try and do all the things that I didn't do last time. I'm going to help women, sponsor other women, be of service, just try to detach myself from myself as much as I possibly can and help other people. Because that's like the root of all of all 12 step programs is to get out of yourself and to help someone else. And that's been like, like huge for me. When I was sober, the first go around, I always share this. I did not care about anybody else getting sober. I only cared about Riley getting sober. And I only cared about Riley getting a job and Riley feeling emotionally well. I only cared about Riley. And that can't get you very far whether you're sober or not. Like, that selfishness, self centeredness. And so I was like, I really, I really need to try and help people and I need to try to do this thing and go hard in the paint. And that's what I did. And it's gotten me to where I'm at now. It's why I'm sitting at this table with you. I've had the ability to reach a point where I'm doing all the things that I never even thought I was going to be able to do. And all it took was me just, like, genuinely just trying to help the next person to do the next right thing, put in front of me to make amends to the people that I had hurt even years and years before. Like, to go back and to make amends to people. It is the scariest thing in the whole world to, like, look someone in the eye that you've completely wronged and like, own up to your shit and like, clear your side of the street. But that was like major spiritual experience for me. That was the spiritual experience I was looking for in my trip to California. Little did I know that it just took, like, righting my wrongs. And I left every single amends that I had made. Like, feeling this lightness that I had never felt in my life, feeling forgiveness. It's just. And it was like someone forgave me.
- [62:57]
Interviewer
Yes.
- [62:58]
Riley
But, like, I also got to forgive myself in that moment.
- [63:00]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [63:01]
Riley
And it was crazy because, like, that shame and guilt and people ask me on the Internet all the time, like, how do you work through shame and how do you work through guilt? That was the starting point for me, was, like, making amends, because I left every single one feeling like, okay, I can let go of this now. I can move on from this, because.
- [63:14]
Interviewer
You know that you did your part.
- [63:16]
Riley
I cleaned my side of the street, and however that person received it, it didn't matter. They always say, like, your amends are, like, selfish because they're for you just as much as they're for them. And I totally get that because, like, the levity that I felt afterwards, I was like, that's. I want more of that.
- [63:32]
Interviewer
But I think that's, like, it's a good selfishness because I think that it's positive. You know, it's like you're something like that. It's like you're helping yourself and curing, I think, a. A past issue that you had. Yeah. You know, but then you're also. It's so full circle, in my opinion. It's like, it's good for you, but it's also good for someone else. And it's like, I feel like it's all about balance. Like, you know, like, it is.
- [63:57]
Riley
And it was cool, like, to see people that. So many things come from them. Like, so many conversations. I go into each of them without an expectation, and something cool has come out of, like, every single one of them. You know, with my parents, it was just. We had never been so vulnerable with each other, and it made us closer. And with my sisters, again, like, tears are shed, but, like, I never felt as close to them as I felt after that. And, you know, with random people that, like, I owed money, and I would go to them and be like, and I haven't made every amends that I need to make. You know, I rewrote my list just recently, and there are people from California that I need to make amends to that I haven't yet. Just because at the time, I think I was early sobriety the first time, I wasn't as willing as I am now, because now I'm at a place where I'm willing to do anything to stay sober. I, when I first was getting sober, didn't make any amends. I was too scared. I wasn't willing. And sobriety requires willingness. And this time around, I'm like, I am not risking drinking for just having a scary conversation with someone. I'd rather have the scary conversation and get to the other side of it because I know it's waiting for me on the other side. I've experienced it before. I do, you know, have the luxury of having had all my amends go well. I don't. It's not a universal experience. Some of them, like, aren't going to be received well. I have my list, like, my scary list that I'm like, those are going to be the ones I do last. Like, I don't know how that's gonna go. But for the most part, they've all been extremely wonderful and, you know, very eye opening. I've had someone be like, you know, all I wanted. I knew you had a problem and all I wanted was, like, you to get better. And I just couldn't be in your life until you got there.
- [65:39]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [65:40]
Riley
And so it's just all of them have been really cool experiences. And that was the spiritual experience I was looking for. And it's so funny now. Like, my spiritual experience comes in, like, different ways than I ever anticipated. Like, my personality from when I first, you know, got into this has completely changed over time. And I didn't even know it. I had people coming up to me and telling me that. And that's a spiritual experience to, like, have a change in perspective, have a change in the way people are perceiving you. It's all been just super surreal. And it's been really cool to, like, share that on TikTok and share that with other people and see, like, other young people trying to get sober.
- [66:21]
Interviewer
Yeah. I was gonna ask you when. So how long ago did you start sharing your story on Tick Tock?
- [66:28]
Riley
So when I first, like, I started. I started using Tick Tick Tock a long time ago, but I was always too scared to share on TikTok because I knew I had people out there that were like, this girl's crazy. Yeah, this girl's psycho. I've seen her out at ACS in downtown Charleston and she's crazy. The people that. People that know me. And I was like, I can't share until I feel like I've made some right to all this shit. I. It just did. That's where my mind went. I was like, that'd be a bad play to, like, go online and be like, I'm growing. And people are like, that girl's crazy.
- [67:04]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [67:05]
Riley
But I really started, you know, taking sobriety seriously. And I was like, you know, there's such a short, not a shortage, but you don't find as many young people that are Sober, it's, it's hard to find your people. And I just, I started posting about my story in like late January this year.
- [67:30]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [67:30]
Riley
And because I was like, the Route 66 things, pretty nuts. Like, I wonder if anybody's ever done that. I've literally looked on Reddit, like, tried to see if people have ever just like on a whim, like, done something like that, like, duh. But I wanted to see who had done it. And I just shared it when I was dog sitting and it went crazy and people were like, are you still drinking? And then I was like, well, maybe I need to answer those questions because I've been talking about alcoholism this whole time. Let's talk about sobriety. And then it kind of just turned into something from that. And it's been so cool because I've met so many sober people, people from all over the United States, from South America, from Europe. And it made me realize there's, there's a lot of young sober people out there.
- [68:10]
Interviewer
And I think too, like you mentioned, I think that it's more rare for people that are young to admit, like, I have a problem. And I think too, it's like, how do you. When does it become a problem? You know, it's like so hard to figure that out because I think especially when you're younger, like we said before, it could be viewed as just a phase or, you know, like, she'll get out of it, you know, it's just party phase. But I think that that's even why it's more important for you to share it and talk about it. Because there are signs that I feel like, even for parents, that they can be like, huh, like, maybe I should just like keep an eye on this, you know, Because I think that like you said, like, your parents can only do so much to a certain degree. You know what I mean? It's like, and even if they, even if the alcohol wasn't in your parents house, you would have still found it. Like, it's not.
- [69:00]
Riley
Oh my God.
- [69:00]
Interviewer
Yeah. So it's something that I think it's so important to just share the different aspects of it. And you know, you're not your typical. Like, nobody would look at you and be like, she's an alcoholic. You know, people wouldn't really know that. And it's something that I think is also important for people to know that it can spiral and progress into something more, especially if you are using it to cope with certain things. And it can be helpful. Like, I think like, in a way it's Almost like this a medicine, because it does. It makes you numb to, like, having to feel all of the negative things. You know, it's not even just that, but, I mean, it becomes liquid courage in situations that helps you feel like there. There's these things about alcohol that I think draws people in, for sure, you know, And I think that it's so easy to abuse that. And for a lot of people, I'm sure that that overpowers the negatives. You know, it's like. Especially if you just go down this rabbit hole of it, it's like, it becomes. With, like, with anything, it becomes harder to see the negative effects that it's creating in your life and your relationships and everything in between.
- [70:06]
Riley
Why would I stop? You know, it's.
- [70:08]
Interviewer
It. It's.
- [70:09]
Riley
The thing is, alcohol was always my solution. It was never my problem. And I feel like young people experience that. They go out for the same reasons that you said. They. They want liquid courage. They want to connect.
- [70:22]
Interviewer
And it's so socialized.
- [70:24]
Riley
It's so socialized. People use it as, like, a way to have human connection. But for me, I was always disconnected when I was drinking, and the thing that I was craving, I got. Once I got sober, I think, too, I feel very lucky because my alcoholism was super progressive. I think some. For some young adults, like, they still have that thing I was touching on where it's, like, consequences, but it's still fun, and they can ride that for a really long time. And some people may just be heavy drinkers, and they never get to the point where the things that I've touched on, but some people might. And at some point in my drinking, I crossed a threshold that I can never go back from. But all of those reasons that you just listed were the reasons I initially started drinking. I wanted to hang out with people and have fun. And there I. You know, there's not fully anything wrong, I guess, with drinking. Like, if a normal person can go out and have a drink, like, I fully support it. I love when I go out to hang out with people that are normies, and, like, I see them have two drinks and, like, how do you do that? Like, yeah, how do you do that? But if they can do that, great. It's just like the way that college. I specifically think the college culture is really hard.
- [71:34]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [71:35]
Riley
But I know people in college that are getting sober because it's gotten to the point where it's no longer fun. It's like all their emotions are tied up in drinking, all of their lack of connection, you know, Their desire to, you know, get out of themselves. Those are all the reasons that they're drinking. They're no longer drinking because it's fun and, like, it can help you let loose, and you can experience, like, colorful imagination. And it's also fun. Like, they get lost in that. But it's hard. I. I know how hard it is for people to get sober in college. I. I'm close with some people who are currently trying to do it, and it's like, one of the hardest things ever because it's just everybody.
- [72:17]
Interviewer
The environment. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I think, obviously, I would say to a. To a degree, the older you get, the more you have going on in your life, I think it might be slightly easier because, you know, even for myself, from a perspective that's not nearly the same as yours, but in the sense of, you know, when I do drink, the hangover's horrible. I shit my pants the whole next day. I have no energy. I can't go to the gym. And, like, you know, even with filming, like, there was a time where I would. You know, I was in this place where I would think I could go out the night before and film the next day. But even just the effects that I would see, it would have on my brain. Like, my brain didn't work. Like, I couldn't ask questions, I couldn't focus. And I think in a situation like that, when you. When you have a life that you've built and you realize thankfully, like, very quickly, like, okay, this isn't working. You step out of it. But I think, too, when you're younger and you are coming up and you're still in this place where you, like, you know, you might be just first getting a job or you don't. You don't have a life that you've built yet because you're still so young, I think it's easier to let the alcohol in and let it, like, because you don't see the things that it can screw up. You know, it's like it takes a little bit longer, I think, to see the negative effects that it has. And what I was saying before, just with the environment and how it's viewed as something so social, it's, like, crazy to me now because I really try not to ever drink just because simply how it makes me feel is, like, horrible. And the anxiety it causes, like, I really. I am a different person, like, night and day, like, and there's parts of me that I'm like, oh, that's kind of funny. That I don't care and don't have a filter. But then I'm like, if I would never say or do that sober, we might have a problem. But no, it's just so crazy how normal it is of like all of these places. It's like, unless especially somewhere that is more. I mean, honestly, it's anywhere that's more low key or even somewhere that's like a big city. It's like, you know, it's either you're drinking because there's nothing to do or you're drinking because that's what everybody's doing. And it's like, where is the in between? And I think it is hard to navigate, especially when you're young and a lot of the people around you are doing it. It's like, well, what else am I supposed to do? You know, it's hard to figure that out, especially in a social setting.
- [74:38]
Riley
Well, the risk is so much lower when you're young. You have a lot less to lose.
- [74:42]
Interviewer
Exactly.
- [74:43]
Riley
And I think that's why it's easier for people in college to drink like that. But you always see like when people leave college, like, how do they drink when they leave college? Like, how do they drink in Those, those like 25 year olds? Like where?
- [74:57]
Interviewer
Well, I think that's when it too starts to become an escape because, you know, a lot of people get like a more serious job and they hate their job and then they're like, they can't wait till the weekend. And it's like, you know, that's what their hobby becomes, is like just that escape of the week. And it's like, I think it's sad, it's just not something. It's such an unhealthy escape. But I don't think that part is talked about enough. Like, I feel like alcohol is looked at even to this day as something social and fun and this and that and which it can be. But I don't think it's enough talked about how people can really rely on it to cope with, you know, different things. You know, if they are miserable in certain aspects of their life or, you know, anything in between. I feel like that part isn't like discussed enough, especially with people that are younger, because there is no in between. Like it kind of seems like, okay, either you're doing it socially or you're like that guy you were talking about, the old guy that's an alcoholic, that has nothing, he's sitting on his couch. But there is a wide range of different types of people that struggle with it.
- [76:02]
Riley
I know.
- [76:02]
Interviewer
You know, And I feel like that aspect is, like, not what. It's more taboo, like you said.
- [76:08]
Riley
It's. It's an. It's very interesting. Like, I think one thing I always think about is, like, people in dating, like, especially, like, early adulthood. Like, I just couldn't imagine now, like, dating and drinking at the same time. Like, going out. Like, I would. I don't know. Sometimes when I'm out with people, I, like, know when I need to leave because I'm like, you guys are, like, three drinks in, and I don't think you're even remembering. You're gonna remember this tomorrow. And I kind of, like, applied that to dating at a certain point because, like, I had no capability of dating anyone when I was drinking. Like, it just wasn't a thing. Like, I.
- [76:42]
Interviewer
Right. On the flip side, like, I. There was a point for me. I couldn't date sober.
- [76:46]
Riley
That's what I'm saying. Like, I couldn't.
- [76:48]
Interviewer
I was like, I can't go on a date and not have a date. Yeah. And I was like, there was a point, too, for me. I was like. Like, I would literally have to take shots before I go. And I've been there, as good as it felt to, like, be like, oh, this is great. Like, you. I always would take it too far also. And it's like, then I'm blacking out at dinner, and this is supposed to be a first date. Now I'm embarrassed. Like, what the fuck have I said and done?
- [77:14]
Riley
But, like, universal experience. It is. But it's bad. It's horrible.
- [77:18]
Interviewer
I'm like, okay, scary is good, bitch. You know what I mean? Like, I need to, like, be able.
- [77:23]
Riley
To get through that.
- [77:24]
Interviewer
But it's like, you really. It just goes to show how easy it can be to, like, be like, oh, let me just chug this down, and I can do anything.
- [77:32]
Riley
It's a. It's. It became such a crutch.
- [77:35]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [77:35]
Riley
And it kind of started off too, like, that for me. Like, kind of innocently. Like, I was just like. I would take shots before a date that was like, no question. Like. Yeah, that had. That's, like, ritual at that.
- [77:44]
Interviewer
Right?
- [77:45]
Riley
That's Bible.
- [77:46]
Interviewer
It's fun. It's like. Yeah.
- [77:48]
Riley
But it's like. And then it gets to the point, though. I'm like, I'm not even. What am I even really trying to get out of this?
- [77:55]
Interviewer
Like, I. Yeah, you can't connect. You don't remember.
- [77:58]
Riley
You can't connect. And it's. It's like, I'm not even being myself. Like, right. And I have to. That was a big part of it. Getting sober is, like, accepting, like, maybe I'm not this big firecracker, like, super social butterfly that I think I am. And that's okay. Like, yeah, it's okay if I go on a date. And, like, I'm lucky at. Like, my boyfriend now is amazing. He's also sober. But, like, it was so scary going on the first date because I was like, you know, what if they don't like me? What if.
- [78:26]
Interviewer
What if it's awkward?
- [78:27]
Riley
What if it's. What if it is awkward? And what if, like, there's an awkward silence? Or, what if I don't know what to talk about? And all this. And honestly, in the grand scheme of things, like, if it's not a connection, it's not a connection. If it's not clicking, it's not clicking. And that goes with social interactions, too, with just, like, regular people. I used to, like, not think that women would like me if I was around them because I wasn't contributing to the conversation or, like, they wouldn't accept me. And now I'm like, if somebody doesn't like me, that's not my people. Those aren't my people. And it's okay. I'm not gonna be liked by everyone. And I can assure myself now, like, alcohol does not make me better. I used to think that alcohol, like, I needed that to be more likable, to be funnier, to have more courage, more personality, be more outgoing. But it's like, I just. I'm not a better person when I'm drinking, and I know that now. Like, I was probably louder and way more obnoxious.
- [79:21]
Interviewer
I think, too, half the time people don't even realize, especially younger people, they don't even realize that half of their friends. I mean, if you guys are going out and drinking all the time, do you. Do you guys even know each other? Like, you know what I mean? It's like. And I. I've tried to tell my friends that many times. I'm like, these are literally people that you just drink with. Like, I don't even think you guys really know who one another is. Like, what? You guys? Like, like, you don't have that connection?
- [79:45]
Riley
No.
- [79:45]
Interviewer
And it's crazy to. You know, And I. I think that it should be more. I guess you could say trendy not to drink. You know, that's why I think it's amazing that you do share your story. And I don't think you should stop, because I feel like, people would look up to you for that reason. You know, like, you're a young, beautiful girl. You're like, it's cool to be sober, you know. You're tuned into Auto intelligence live from AutoTrader where data, tools and your personal preferences sync to make your car shopping smooth.
- [80:13]
Riley
They're searching inventory. Oh yeah. They find what you need.
- [80:17]
Interviewer
They going to find it.
- [80:18]
Riley
You can make a budget for your wallet to help you succeed. Pricing's precise and true.
- [80:23]
Interviewer
So true.
- [80:23]
Riley
It's smarter. Car shopping. Oh, just for you. Oh, it's just for you.
- [80:29]
Interviewer
Find your next ride@autotrader.com powered by auto Intelligence. Oh, it's like an. There was one point that I thought it was cool to not be, but like now I think it, it does go to show like the flip side of things. And it really, like with any addiction, it'll ruin your life. It will, you know, like one point or another.
- [80:48]
Riley
It's not an if, it's a when.
- [80:49]
Interviewer
It's.
- [80:49]
Riley
Yeah, it's just like, I don't know. With young people. I think it is trending more now. I love, like, I think I read something recently where it was like alcohol sales were at its lowest this year, which is really cool. Like maybe 2024.
- [81:05]
Interviewer
That's crazy.
- [81:05]
Riley
Sucks for them but like also a really cool indicator that like less and less people are.
- [81:10]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [81:11]
Riley
Willing to drink. And like all these really cool mocktail brands are popping up. I love like getting a fun mocktail. Like recess is awesome. Like all these cool. I don't know. And it's just cool to see more people getting sober. It's cool having connection with people today. And like I have like Charleston as much. People ask me this all the time, like, what is it like to be sober in a city that drinks so much? But to that I have to say, like in a city and in cities where there's a lot of drinking, a lot of partying, such as New York, there is also so much recovery, like in a central city like that. So I have a good core group of like sober women and sober friends. We have a huge young person community in Charleston. I feel really grateful for it. Recovery in Charleston. It's very intimate and there are more people getting sober than I think people even realize. You just gotta do a little digging and find.
- [82:06]
Interviewer
I was gonna say all it takes is like a little extra digging.
- [82:09]
Riley
You do, you do. And there's like the thing is like I, I'm a part of a 12 step program, so it gives me like complete access to all These people young and old and all in between. But there are sober Facebook pages. Like, I've helped people walk through all of this, like, finding sober communities. They're like, I don't want to work 12 step. And I'm like, that's fine. They're like, I just want to, you know, get sober, to be healthy, and, like, have like, a better life for myself. And we've, like, looked up, like, sober communities. There's Facebook page pages, Reddit threads to help people find other sober people. Social media has been a great tool to connect with sober people. You can almost always find sober people in, like, fitness communities. That's a big thing in Charleston. It's like, sober people that are sober because they want to be healthy, which is totally great. Like, I'm like, what's that? Like, you just want to stop drinking? That's crazy. I did because I had to, but I'm grateful. But it's just like, you have to do a little digging to find your people, and you have to be willing to give up those friends that. Yeah, I think people are scared, too. And I get DMS all the time. They're like, did you lose friends when you got sober? It happens every time. That is a 100% guarantee. Because you realize some of the people like you said that were. You thought were your friends were really just drinking buddies, and that's okay. Yeah, it's okay to lose those people. You. You know, that's kind of just life in general. You're gonna.
- [83:30]
Interviewer
You crowdfunds come in and out.
- [83:31]
Riley
Yeah. And it, like, there's nothing wrong with having, like, drinking buddies, but I do.
- [83:36]
Interviewer
Think when you do, when you have the courage to remove them, though, and you are outside of it looking in, you start to realize, like, they weren't supporting you.
- [83:47]
Riley
Yeah.
- [83:47]
Interviewer
That is not the kind of people I want in my life.
- [83:49]
Riley
No. And for me, all the people that were drinking around me, they weren't. I surrounded myself with those people for a reason. They drank like I did. So it's just like. I don't know. But you had to let go of that. I had to let go of it. And I'm okay.
- [84:04]
Interviewer
Yeah, you're thriving. I am.
- [84:06]
Riley
I love it. I. I love my life today. You know, it's. It's nothing crazy. I don't do anything super out of the ordinary, but it's everything that I never knew I wanted and nor needed. And it's like a life beyond my wildest dreams. That's the best way I can put it.
- [84:22]
Interviewer
And like you said, Too, you know, not only is your life so much better for you and your growth, but now you're helping people. Like, you're inspiring other people that are your age or maybe even older. And it's really incredible. Also, like, something I want to mention is, in life, sometimes it takes people until they're, like, in their 50s or 60s to realize what you realize at such a young age. So, like, even though. Yes, you had these, like, really dark years and dark times, you know, that I'm sure you can reflect on and be like, holy shit. Like, how? Why? It's incredible that you got it together so young, because a lot of people can't do that. Like, it takes. For some people, it takes over 10, 20 times of revisiting and, you know, having that cycle just happen over and over and over again and going through that crash. So you should be really proud of yourself with that, too. Cause, like, yeah. Even though it sucks and it's embarrassing to look back on sometimes, like, I have my fucking moments, too. I'm like, oh, God, like, you don't even know me anymore. But, no, it's incredible. I think the younger people that do find this spiritual awakening within themselves and they realize the power of themselves and the environment that they can be in by choice, sober. It's like. It's just. It's so awakening and amazing, and I think that it's a really incredible thing. So, of course, you did amazing. Seriously, thank you for coming. I'm so happy and sharing your story. Yes. Like, I love it. Like, whenever I have people on that kind of share their stories on TikTok, I think it's so intriguing to me because TikTok's so amazing with being able to share your story in this shorter form. And I think, you know, answer questions, like, in a way. Like, like, you said, when people ask you things, it's like, okay, this is cool. I can, like, specifically answer this, but it's so intriguing to hear your story in depth and, you know, kind of, like, hear the timeline of everything and hear you go through it, and it really is inspiring. And you should. Like I said, you should be really, really proud of yourself.
- [86:16]
Riley
It was. It was really fun. It was cool to touch on it in long form.
- [86:19]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [86:20]
Riley
Instead of, like, one take and.
- [86:21]
Interviewer
Right.
- [86:21]
Riley
Yeah.
- [86:22]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [86:22]
Riley
I got to get into some of the details. I don't like. I feel like I blocked. Blacked out during the whole thing. It was just yapping.
- [86:27]
Interviewer
I know people said, no, you did amazing. I followed along perfectly.
- [86:30]
Riley
Thank you.
- [86:30]
Interviewer
It was like. I feel like I always tell people. I'm like, a lot of people. Like, people are such good storytellers. I'll be sitting here, and it's like, I feel like I'm, like, watching a movie, because it's like I'm watching you and hearing you talk, but I'm seeing you drive, and I'm seeing you, like, chugging the. The wine boxes, and I'm like. It's, like, all in my head. Seriously. It's crazy. So you're a really good storyteller.
- [86:49]
Riley
Thank you so much.
- [86:50]
Interviewer
Of course. Thank you. You. Was there anything else, or you think you got it all?
- [86:55]
Riley
If you're struggling, reach out for help. It's always available.
- [86:57]
Interviewer
Yes.
- [86:58]
Riley
That's all I have to say.
- [86:59]
Interviewer
Amazing. Thank you.