128: The Thonged Pumpkins Dilemma

Summary

Episode 128: The Thonged Pumpkins Dilemma

Release Date: November 4, 2024
Podcast: We're Here to Help
Host: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guests: Steve Berg, John Gabris, Lamar Woods

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle unusual and humorous dilemmas submitted by their listeners. Episode 128, titled "The Thonged Pumpkins Dilemma," revolves around a Halloween prank gone awry and provides inventive solutions to handle neighborly mischief.

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Caller Profile: Kyle (Zach) and the Thonged Pumpkins

Timestamp: [06:36] – [31:58]

The Dilemma:
Kyle, also known as Zach, calls in with a Halloween-related predicament. He and his husband decorated their stoop with over 20 pumpkins from a local farm, receiving positive feedback from the creative community in their neighborhood. However, their festive display takes a bizarre turn when someone sneaks in the night to adorn each pumpkin with thongs—ranging from colorful to exotic patterns.

Key Quote:

• Zach: "We spent a week reeling, like, who likes us enough to spend this much on underwear? Or who hates us enough to put old underwear on these pumpkins."

Discovery and Confrontation:
After suspecting various neighbors and receiving denied confessions, Zach discovers that his brother-in-law and his partner were behind the prank. They admitted to the mischief after cheekily placing underwear on his dog, escalating the situation to what Zach describes as "declaring war."

Proposed Solutions by Hosts:

1. Creating a Fictional Threat:

   • Gareth: Suggests fabricating a story about a creepy neighbor named Lionel who harbors a bizarre obsession with underwear and poses a threat, thereby turning the prank back on the culprits.
   • Notable Quote:
     Gareth: "We are with them. What if you say, hey, really funny, but you guys have actually made our lives a living hell..."

2. Voicemail Campaign:

   • Lamar Woods: Proposes sending a series of escalating voicemails from Lionel to build tension and make the prank more unsettling.
   • Notable Quote:
     Lamar: "I'm really trying to make these messages scarier and scarier as they go."

3. Email Integration:

   • Jake: Recommends complementing voicemails with emails to create a digital trail, enhancing the illusion of Lionel's menace.
   • Notable Quote:
     Jake: "We could make little voicemails right now and send them to you as little clips."

4. Community Engagement:

   • Gareth: Advises leveraging the community's knowledge and possibly involving social media buzz to amplify the prank's impact.
   • Notable Quote:
     Gareth: "But it is true if a call, especially when we have a guest, because it feels like you're even more..."

Implementation Success:
Zach decides to proceed with the voicemail and email strategy, aiming to launch it just in time for Halloween. The hosts craft fictional messages from Lionel, gradually increasing the creepy factor to intimidate his prankster relatives while keeping the Halloween spirit intact.

Notable Quote:

• Jake: "This was ingenious. Crafting a narrative that’s funny yet gives them a taste of their own medicine."

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Second Caller: Jesse and the Ostrich Phobia

Timestamp: [37:55] – [76:22]

The Dilemma:
Jesse, a middle school geography teacher, opens up about an ongoing joke with a friend that unintentionally spiraled out of control. Years of mutually mocking each other's jokes culminated in Jesse dismissing his friend's comedic efforts right before a major performance, causing tension and remorse. Additionally, in an attempt to connect with his students, Jesse fabricated an irrational fear of ostriches, which has led to persistent teasing from his pupils.

Key Quote:

• Jesse: "I think I'm just out of reason. I've reached a breaking point."

Proposed Solutions by Hosts:

1. Public Apology through Performance:

   • Gareth: Suggests retelling the story of the failed joke exchange on stage, using it to build up his friend's comedic prowess while subtly apologizing.
   • Notable Quote:
     Gareth: "You could do that set and then he does your set and vice versa. You're set swapping in front of an audience."

2. Therapeutic Approach:

   • Jake: Recommends involving a therapist on stage to facilitate a live session addressing their comedic rivalry, fostering understanding and reconciliation.
   • Notable Quote:
     Jake: "Bring a therapist on stage and talk it out with them in front of him."

3. Merchandise and Fundraising:

   • Steve Berg: Suggests leveraging Jesse's ostrich persona to create merchandise or fundraising events, turning the prank's fallout into a positive venture.
   • Notable Quote:
     Steve: "You could start fundraising off of it for the school."

4. Immersion Therapy Content:

   • John Gabris: Encourages Jesse to create content around confronting his ostrich phobia, possibly involving staged videos or events to rebrand his image.
   • Notable Quote:
     John: "Make some content, maybe taking a little trip... pretend to go through some real therapy."

Implementation Plan:
Jesse leans towards integrating the "Garf Man" pitch, aiming to swap comedic sets with his friend during performances. This approach not only serves as a public apology but also revitalizes their comedic partnership by honoring each other's strengths.

Notable Quote:

• Jake: "This is a banger. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle to some extent."

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Conclusion and Takeaways

In Episode 128, We're Here to Help exemplifies the hosts' unique blend of humor and problem-solving. By addressing both Kyle's Halloween prank and Jesse's professional and personal challenges, Jake and Gareth offer creative, albeit unconventional, advice that emphasizes community spirit, humor, and resilience.

Final Quote:

• Gareth: "This episode is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions."

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Notable Moments:

• Creative Problem-Solving: The hosts' ability to transform ordinary problems into elaborate and humorous solutions highlights their dynamic chemistry and inventive thinking.
• Guest Contributions: Guests like Steve Berg, John Gabris, and Lamar Woods add depth to the discussions, offering diverse perspectives and additional creative pitches.
• Humorous Interjections: Throughout the episode, witty banter and off-the-cuff remarks provide levity, keeping the conversation lively and engaging.

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Muted Sections:

Ad segments, introductions, and outros were succinctly excluded to maintain focus on the core content and listener queries.

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Stay Connected:
For more episodes and to submit your questions, visit [e-mail].

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Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

We are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kevin, if you had to say you were put on the spot because I'm putting you on the spot. What has been your favorite call or your Mount Rushmore for the show?

[Steve Berg]

Oh, I mean, as the producer, I've enjoyed the ones where it was like the butthole Ashes where I was like, when there's some like behind the scenes coordinating is a lot of fun. The like sex tape where I got that. The alleged sex tape of the parents that I got converted and what was zoo animals? Yeah, it was. That ended up being like 1960s San Diego Zoo. Even though that was a, that was a bust, it was still just like following up with like a local film department to be like, how's the, like that stuff is fun. Little behind the scenes stuff where it's like following up with callers is a lot of fun.

[Jake Johnson]

I know your favorite call.

[Steve Berg]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

The woman who thought she got kidnapped by a Disney character.

[Steve Berg]

That was the most.

[Jake Johnson]

Did that ever air?

[Steve Berg]

It will air on the free feed. It might have aired already, but it's. It's definitely on Patreon. If you haven't heard it. It was the most confident I've ever gone into a call and the least confident I've ever left a recording in 10 years.

[Jake Johnson]

Kevin jumped in and he was like, I think what you're trying to say, like the woman was like now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's because it went. Because afterwards we all Talked about it and I got where you were coming from because the premise was fun and funny.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it was just so jarring because she made it seem like she had been kidnapped and helped her. And I'm like, I love the premise of the show. I can't think kidnapping a kid is fun to pitch on. I hate this.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also, this is giving me a stomach ache.

[Jake Johnson]

Not a kid. It was the hardest one to figure out. I'm watching Kevin in a. Like a. Trying to seem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Comfortable. Panic. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were other hard ones, Kevin? Rather than going the full circle, we'll do ours on another episode. Gareth, what are. What have been other ones that you were like while it was happening? You're like, this is way harder than I thought.

[Steve Berg]

I don't have an example of top. I'll think of something. But I will say the. That is the biggest, like, the funnest and most stressful part of the show is some. Sometimes you have absolutely no idea how a call is going to go when we start. Like, I'll have it all set up and go like, man, this is. This is going to be really cool. And then it can go sideways. Or I'm like, this will be okay. And then it's like one of the. Like, one of my favorites was the cat charity event that you got, and it was a short one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, that was the Patreon one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. Caddyshack. Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And you guys just immediately have, like, so many incredibly strong pitches that even the caller was like, jesus.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

I mean, I'm literally using all of these.

[Kyle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that they're the ones who bought us the bell. We have the bell to ring. Yeah. Caddyshack bought us that. But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, you know, you do have a high pressure job. And, you know, I give you credit because Gareth and I's job is very easy because we are reacting. But it is true if a call, especially when we have a guest, because it feels like you're even more.

[Steve Berg]

Even more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, when it's just us. Who cares? Yeah. Because we've done those where it's really fast and then we're like, now this isn't quite working or the tone's not right. Like, remember early on we had that, like, really drunk lady we've had.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, we're going to release that one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How fun we are. Like, when we are really finding what we were trying to do. But it's hard with a guest because you have specific amount of time and a lot of times our guests have come on and they haven't heard the show. So you're trying to convince them, like, have a good attitude and have fun. I promise you this isn't a really waste of an hour. And then the call starts and you're like, oh, no. And then we've communicated where I've tried to say during, like, do we have another one?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I've seen you go back and then do like. There's no panic email. Yeah. You're like, panic email.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, yeah, you also. There are times where you'll, like, have one in line and then they'll bail five minutes before.

[Steve Berg]

When we have a guest, too.

[Jake Johnson]

When we have a guest. Because when we have a guest, it feels like we have company. Yes.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, totally.

[Jake Johnson]

Look alive. Best behavior, everyone. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Steve Berg]

Also really quick, we got three very special guests on today's episode. Our buddy, Steve Berg. Check out his podcast, High Strangeness. Comedian and actor John Gabris. He hosts the podcast High and Mighty and Action Boys. Super funny. And previous guest, Lamar woods, former New girl writer. And he has an album out called Highly Sensitive Person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Lamar Woods]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, without further ado, everybody enjoy the show.

[Steve Berg]

Hello.

[Zach]

Hi.

[Lamar Woods]

Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to. We're Here to help. My name is Steve Berg. I'm joining our friend Jake Johnson today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Zach]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth is traveling today, so we got the great Steve Berg with us.

[Zach]

What an awesome surprise. Hello, Steve Berg.

[Lamar Woods]

Well, it's really nice to meet you, my friend. Why don't you tell us your name and where you're from?

[Zach]

Hi, I'm Kyle. I'm from Brooklyn, New York. And I was expecting you to ask me my age, so I was ready to say I was 33.

[Lamar Woods]

Great age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, where in. We're in Brooklyn. Are you?

[Zach]

I'm up in Greenpoint in the northern port.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. I used to live in Greenpoint back in 2000. 2001. Beautiful little area.

[Lamar Woods]

Is it nice?

[Zach]

Truly, no better place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love Greenpoint. Yeah. So, Kyle from Brooklyn. No. Yeah. So, Kyle from Brooklyn, Greenpoint, what can we do for you today?

[Zach]

Yeah, so actually, my question is a little bit about my neighborhood. It's full of creative people. There's always these huge, cool, creative Halloween kind of decorations on everybody's stoops. And so my husband and I were not creative, but we were like, hey, let's throw our hat in the ring. This year. We went up to a farm upstate and got a ton of pumpkins. Just like 20, 25 pumpkins. Put them all over our stoop, and people were loving it. We were getting, like, good feedback People taking pictures of them putting their kids up there. And. Yeah, so it was cool. And so. But then one morning I walked out my door and somebody had put thongs, like underwear on every single pumpkin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so what we're looking at here is we got 12, 12 to 13 pumpkins. Some of them are funky pumpkins. And somebody really did put underpants on everyone with the butt facing out. So you got some thongs, you got some regular ones, you got some looks like, I mean, tiger print.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, it's a really. There's some really exotic, you know, garments there. Yes. And I will say somebody really invested a lot on this prank because I gotta think underwear of any kind is not very cheap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're looking at 20 a pop there. Am I wrong on that, Kyle?

[Zach]

I think you're right. I think you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is about a $250 bit.

[Lamar Woods]

It's a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or it's just old underpants, which is even grosser.

[Zach]

Yeah, we were wondering about that. My husband and I kind of spent a week reeling, like, who likes us enough to spend this much on underwear? Or who hates us enough to put old underwear on these pumpkins? So we kind of asked around. Did you do this? Did you do this? And got a whole bunch of no's. Then one day, my brother in law and his partner, who also live in the neighborhood with us, came clean by. Sometimes they watched my dog and they put a pair of the underwear on my dog and sent him home with the underwear on.

[Lamar Woods]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Zach]

So they kind of declared war. And my question to you is, what do I do about it? How do I respond? I feel like this isn't something I could just walk away from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so it is the brother in law and the brother in law's partner who did it because they put underpants on your dog. And by doing that, they admitted to putting underpants on your pumpkin displays.

[Jesse]

Exactly.

[Zach]

And they later followed up with pictures. I sent one to the shark. They put on like full catsuits and kind of came out in the middle of the night and. And did it under the COVID of darkness. So it's fully confirmed to be them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so they snuck to your place and they panted your pumpkins. Yeah. And so your question. Your question is, then what? How do we get revenge?

[Zach]

Kind of. It's enough is enough. This is too much.

[Jesse]

What do I do?

[Lamar Woods]

So is it kind of like is what you're looking for, if I may just be specific, is a Halloween prank, like, you know, back at them? Right.

[Zach]

I think So I mean, you know, they have done this before. When we came back from our honeymoon they had covered every surface in our apartment with googly eyes. So this is kind of a long standing, you know, sort of situation where they've gotten us with little bits along the way. So I think this is kind of the last straw. So if we could make it Halloween themed that would be great.

[Lamar Woods]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

My first pitch is not going to be to prank the prankster. I don't think we tit for tat and you put like boys underwear on their scarecrows because you know, there goes my idea. Berg just turns off his video. I mean I think you, I think you could do that but I don't know what we're getting out of that. I think what we do is we try to with them a little bit and the area I'm going which I don't know how it ends or if it works is that the city called about the underpants or like a family member in the neighborhood was really offended and it's created a world of trouble for you.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, yeah, the HOA is like breathing down their neck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? Like there wouldn't be an HOA in Greenpoint, I don't imagine.

[Lamar Woods]

Oh really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that correct, Kyle?

[Zach]

Yeah, that's correct. It's kind of anarchy out here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But there, but there is the nypd. There is the nypd. There is something we could set up that or we create a crazy neighbor and we have Steve Berg. Yeah, right now leave a mad voicemail.

[Lamar Woods]

Right, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's like, you know, I got an idea Kyle, what do you think of this? What if you say hey really funny but you guys have actually made our lives a living hell and they go what do you mean? And you go apparently we have like a true psychopath who lives on this street. He lives in his mother's basement in the little basement apartment. Yeah, he's in his late 50s, lives with his 90 year old mother and he has like 17 cats. We've never seen him but he got our information and he is really one triggered and two turned on by these underpants and now we're getting voicemails at all times about how he hates us, he wants to kill us and he wants to have sex with all our.

[Lamar Woods]

Pumpkins and he's asking for a meeting and we don't know what to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's asking for a meeting at.

[Lamar Woods]

2Am at face to Face and he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would really like to speak to the woman who wore all those underpants and she should bring all her Socks.

[Zach]

Oh, my God. I love it. So I love it. The one thing that I'm worried about is I am not a good liar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about doing it over email?

[Lamar Woods]

I think if you, you know, I mean, I'm telling. I like where Jake's going, especially with the voicemail, because they're like, you could start it with the email and think, and I just got a voicemail. Listen to this. You can see the digital record, because then you're. Then they'll have their. That, like, little stomachache, like, oh, what do we do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we could. What we could do. So your only fear, Kyle, is you don't feel like you're a great liar and you don't want to blow it.

[Zach]

I think I could sell it if I had a prop like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like.

[Zach]

Like Steve said. The voicemail, I think could help me sort of fortify it with, like, evidence a little bit. But on my own, I don't know if I could think on the fly fast enough to really have a fully built out story. So I like the voicemail idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, you know, we could. You know what we could do, Kyle, is we could make little voicemails right now and send them to you as little clips. And then we could put together an email that you send, and you send all the little voicemails, and we can make, like, 15 short ones that get, like, scarier and scarier as they go.

[Lamar Woods]

It's good with the Halloween theme if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right?

[Lamar Woods]

I mean, here's the reality. You have to act fast. Halloween is on Thursday. So, like, I think, like, you're gonna have to get these messages, start this exchange tomorrow if you want to have a couple days of fun with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, agreed.

[Zach]

I love it. I'm actually seeing them tomorrow for. For an event. So this works out great with timing. And, you know, there's another wrinkle you guys should know is that somebody, like, a random person walking by took a photo of it and kind of tagged this, like, famous New York Instagram account. And it's in, like, a photo carousel that has, like, almost 50,000 likes at this point point. So it could be from anywhere in New York City, it seems like it's kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's interesting. But yeah, you know what? It could. So that's really good info. It could be the person found it and they happen to live in Greenpoint and they know the house.

[Steve Berg]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the first one, let's start doing this. Stevie, Kevin, can you put the images up? Yeah, so let's do the first one. And Kyle, what's the Name of the Instagram that got the New York one.

[Zach]

Yeah, it's called what is New York?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All one. I follow. What is New York?

[Jake Johnson]

It's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Funny. It's so funny.

[Lamar Woods]

I love this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so Steve, your first one, let's just do one where you saw it on what is New York? You're not a scary person yet.

[Lamar Woods]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you recognize the house. Wait, what's. What street do you live on? Kyle? And we'll beep it out. Wait, how did. But how do we get your phone.

[Lamar Woods]

Number, Kyle, that makes it scary.

[J]

You.

[Lamar Woods]

I mean, if you. If you google any address, you can get the phone number through people finder. So as it adds an element of like this person's stalking. I mean, I don't know how serious and scary you want to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want it scary. We're with them.

[Lamar Woods]

I think so too. I think so too.

[Zach]

I. I totally agree. Another thing you might want to consider is it's like a very family oriented neighborhood and kind of a lot of people know everybody. So I think like acting friend of friend could also be an option.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we want this weirdo. Stephen, what do you think of the name Lionel?

[Lamar Woods]

I think. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who do you like more? What do you feel comfortable with?

[Lamar Woods]

Lionel is great. Lionel Smithy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, so I think personally people find her scarier than asking around. What do you think, Kyle?

[Zach]

Yeah, I do. I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So Steve, this is the first one you saw it on. What is New York?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You recognize the house. You found a number on people finder and it's just positive. And it's short. Yeah, it's like I said, this is like a 30 seconder.

[Lamar Woods]

So am I complimenting like. Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So funny. It's. You know, I have a game we could play. What if this is the weird game. This is so funny and so silly. But you see that yellow one with the pink underpants?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your game is that we might get to in a few calls. You would like to buy that with the underpants and you're willing to spend fifteen hundred dollars. And then when she doesn't respond, you're in love with it.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then another call is like, you little son of a bitch.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah. Not what are you doing with Carol. You go put that out there and taught me with it and now I can let me purchase it.

[John Gabris]

50.

[Lamar Woods]

More than reasonable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All I've ever been is taunted my whole life by these cute asses and these panties. Yeah. And you know what? If you're going to keep her from me, then I'm going to break in that house and get it myself. All right, so let's just, let's start with the first one.

[Lamar Woods]

Hi, my name is Lyle Smithy and I'm just reaching out to say I love the Halloween decoration. I live on three. I, I actually happened to find your phone number from People Finder and I just want to say I love it. Usually we don't get, you know, kind of a, you know, adult themed Halloween pranks like this, but this is very, very funny, very creative and I just want to reach out and say, well done. I'm not sure if it was you or somebody else, but very good, very good. Thank you so much. Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, now number two, what if we go and. Hey, this is Lionel Smith.

[Lamar Woods]

Weird question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Are any of the pumpkins for sale perhaps?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then what if we created a. Yeah, no, you know, your number is on her phone. So like you could just call back on the number that was ringing.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And then whatever you think.

[Lamar Woods]

Hey. Hi, this is Lyle Smithy again on street. Weird question. I'm having a small little Halloween gathering on Thursday night. We're gonna hand out candy and all the whatnots and I was wondering if perhaps that any of these pumpkins are for sale. I think my friends would get a real kick out of it. Yeah, you can just hit me up at this number. It should be on your caller id. And thanks a lot, I appreciate it. Bye bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, now how about number three? You're still waiting on the response. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, let's start ramping up a little tension.

[Lamar Woods]

Right. I'm going to clarify which pumpkin I'm interested in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's totally right. Yeah. Does the pumpkin have a name yet?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Happy Monday. How are you doing? It's Lyle again. You know, just kind of a follow up to be more specific about my prior question and was there's a yellow pumpkin. I'm kind of interested, you know, in terms of purchasing and it's with white and kind of black. From my vantage point it kind of looks like black polka dots. It's squash looking. It's a yellow pumpkin on the right side of the frame. And a couple questions. That is the one I would like to purchase. So I'm not sure what your it would take for you to be willing to part with that and also goofy question but doesn't have a name. Okay. Yeah, my number should be on the call already. Thanks. Flop by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insane so Kyle, you know the Brother in law and partner more than us, right? At this point.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're thinking you're just going to send an email and you're going to label these. Call one, Call two, Call three. What's your guess of their vibe right now?

[Zach]

I think they're going. I think. I think they're going to have just a little sort of tinge of what the hell did we do? On top of a lot of laughter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like I think that's really get a.

[Jake Johnson]

Kick out of it.

[Zach]

But it's kind of like ooh, what's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's. It's still a little innocent. So do you guys think. What do you think Cal should. Should call number four, start showing that Lionel's kind of a dark dude?

[Lamar Woods]

Well, well I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think Stevie?

[Lamar Woods]

1. What I was thinking like hey, just you know, I haven't got a respons. I can make an offer say like you know, I don't know if $150 sounds fair to you if you. I could always just drop by the house too. We could talk in person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Lamar Woods]

That's kind of a scary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do that.

[Lamar Woods]

Hey Lyle again. I didn't get a response back about the possible sale of the yellow polka dotted pumpkin. I guess I would just come out offering probably close to my top offer, 100 to 150. You know, if it would just help out easier. It might be a little quicker if I just drop by the house so I get off work usually mid afternoon around 3:30. So I could just swing by and we could negotiate then or whatever. Okay, thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, do another one really fast. You were lying. You. You aren't currently working.

[Lamar Woods]

Okay. Hey, sorry Lyle again. Sorry to keep on bugging you. FYI. I felt bad about telling a little bit of a fib there. I actually am unemployed. Probably like a lot of people in this neighborhood. But yeah, it's been a yet tough to find employment for a graphic designer in this AI age. Anyways, you probably understand. Anyways, this is Lyle again. Give me a call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye now. Again, call back and lie. You are not a graphic designer.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, hey, this is obviously. It's Lyle again. Probably. Probably recognize the voice by now. I am not a graphic designer, but I did study at Sunny Purchase for about a couple of weeks into a semester. Graphic design. It's something I'm definitely passionate about. But no, I'm not technically a graphic designer. So just want to clarify that in case you look me up. All right. Thank you. Bye bye now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call. You lied about Sunny Purchase, but also.

[Zach]

It'S called SUNY Purchase.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's okay. That's okay.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, this is. You know who it is. Yeah, I did not go to Sunny Purchase. In fact, I just found out it was called Sunny Purchase from my great aunt. I don't know why I'm trying to make myself sound a little more official. I am unemployed right now. I live with two roommates. It's not like a flop house or anything. It's actually pretty nice. We all. We share a kitchen, you know, two bathrooms. So, you know, I'm not like destitute or anything, but yeah, I did not go to school there. I went to the police academy and was kicked out for bad eyesight. So, anyways, you have my number, brought me in the car. ID give me a call back if you're interested in selling that pumpkin. Otherwise, like I said, I could swing by and we could just do it in person. Probably a lot faster that way. Or have it eventually.

[Jake Johnson]

You.

[Lamar Woods]

Whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now be very mad. Steve, you live with your mother, but who the fuck is she to judge you?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, hi. L. Again, I don't have three roommates. I live with my mother. And honestly, who are you to judge me? I feel like I am being judged. We live on the same street. Technically, we are neighbors. And the conduct of you just not getting back to me, responding to me, acting like none of these calls ever existed is not very neighborly. Where I come from, we help our neighbors. If they're sick, you bring them a casserole. Get it? So all I'm willing to do is make a simple transaction. And that is, I offered a more unfair price, $100 to $150 for that yellow pumpkin with the black polka dots on there. Please give me a call back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Last one. You want to fuck the pumpkin?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I would say crazy mad. You are now off your rocker.

[Lamar Woods]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're teasing you. You've been teased before. Let this one get a little bit goofy and then. This is it. This is the last one we said.

[Lamar Woods]

Right? Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you guys think? Do we just end up.

[Lamar Woods]

I'll go. I'll go big on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's get a little scary.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah. You know who this is? I don't need to say the name. I would like to purchase the pumpkin. And the reason why I want to purchase the pumpkin is not important. But I will tell you I have a fetish for inanimate objects, especially of the produce variety. And that pumpkin does something to me not. It's not just sexual for me, okay? There is some people out there who like to nurture, to take care, to form a relationship and yes, make love, to produce. I am one of those people. And it's 2024, so how dare you judge me for what? Look, my proclivities are my proclivities. My mother doesn't judge me, my other neighbors don't judge me. And clearly you have something. You are a very close minded individual. Miss, I don't know you, I have never met you, but I know you're kind. They've teased me, they've made fun of me my whole life and I will not be bullied by my neighbor. Very good date to you. This is Lyle. You have my phone number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Oh my God, Kyle, what do you think about now putting an email together that we send to them and then you attach all of these as individual things one at a time. What do you think about this as a comeback?

[Zach]

First of all, terrified of Lyle and terrified of where Steve Berg can go when asked.

[Lamar Woods]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's simply my craft.

[Lamar Woods]

It's my craft. What can I say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I disappear into it.

[Lamar Woods]

Feels good to be back in my body again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where is Steve? I understand John Malkovich these days better.

[Zach]

So much darkness inside of you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, that sounds good.

[Zach]

I think I might need help. I just don't know what to say or what the call to action is for them. Is it just like, holy shit, I'm scared. What do I do do like I just don't know what, what to say.

[Lamar Woods]

I would play it like, you know, here's what I would do. I would send like you got these two voice messages kind of close together. So send these out like one of my neighbors is really up in arms. I can't tell if he's mad or really happy about this and kind of go, ha, ha ha. Lol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I also put in like a thanks a lot, guys.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because make sure you're so the main thing, Kyle, is because the whole point of this is we're trying to get back at them. So thanks a lot for your funny prank where you perved out pumpkins because you really brought a creek, a creep element into my life. Lol. Not even joking. There's been this guy calling me in caps. So thanks. And then they'll write back like, is that real? And then send the first couple.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah. Then I love that I would space out like in terms of. Yes, the sendings just so it feels like they're coming in in real time. You know what I'm saying? Like, like, yeah, like when you get this, like, look what I just got five minutes ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my gosh, that is the best.

[Lamar Woods]

So then like 33 minutes later, like, and he keeps on calling, he keeps on like he keeps on editing what he said in the prior one. So yeah, this guy seems a little weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I think that is exactly right. You take your time, Kyle. And sending. And you can send them at like 10 at night and 11 at night. And then like the last couple be like these came in at 2 in the morning.

[Kyle]

Is it?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah. Like I would start this no later than tomorrow. So like you can like maybe like have the last one be on Halloween day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that was ridiculous. Oh, now let's. Oh, let's do one last one.

[Lamar Woods]

Oh yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As you and me. What are their names, Kyle?

[Zach]

Their names are Mike and Emily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And is your real name Kyle?

[Zach]

It is, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so now Lionel start the message and then I'm going to jump in as us and we're going to tell Mike and Emily to leave Kyle alone.

[Lamar Woods]

Right. Hello, this is Lyle. Obviously you have my number. I don't know what else to do. I am extremely distraught right now and I just would really like to purchase the yellow pumpkin with the pink polka dots. Yes, I've had some setbacks in my life. Not everyone can go after their dreams. And being a graphic designer at Sunny or suny, I don't know how you pronounce it. I didn't go to college. I just would like, I would just like some time with the pumpkin. Maybe you can at least let me take it out for 24 hours. I will bring it back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I ask a question?

[Lamar Woods]

Who is this sir on the line?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mike and Emily. Was it worth it?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah, Mike and Emily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was the pumpkin panty prank worth it to Kyle? Huh?

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, this is Jake Johnson and Steven Berg and the shark from the podcast. We're here to help. And we're here to teach you a lesson about mean pranks on Halloween because you can't be going around putting underpants on pumpkins because it brings out weirdos on the street named Lionel. And Lionel lives with his mother and can't pronounce Sunni per purchase.

[Lamar Woods]

And the thing is, while Lionel is fictitious, there could be a real one. There's one lurking out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is a message not only to you, Mike and Emily, but to everybody on this Halloween. Cool it with the pranks.

[Zach]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what do you think? Let Kyle. What do you think of this and that's the final one. And you send that to them after. Ideally, they're building up, but don't break in the middle. It's not fun if after six you're like, this is all a joke. You gotta live in it.

[Zach]

I'm in. I'm in. I called you guys because I'm not a creative person. I didn't know how to get them back. And this is amazing. I can follow directions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Kyle, we're gonna send you these clips and will you please follow up with us?

[Zach]

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you guys so much. This has been so fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great.

[Lamar Woods]

Good luck. Happy Halloween to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happy Halloween.

[Zach]

Thank you. Happy Halloween.

[John Gabris]

Bye bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is the app that helps you get rid of unwanted subscriptions that you're paying for and you no longer need. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For any you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel with just a few taps. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they're using all the app's features.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com help that's rocketmoney.com help rocketmoney.com help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. To get started, go to mintmobile.com heretohelp there you'll see that right now, all three month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Find out just how easy it is to switch to Mint mobile and get three months of your premium wireless service for just 15 bucks a month.

[Jake Johnson]

To get this new customer offer and your three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com heretohelp that's mintmobile.com heretohelp Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com heretohelp $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And we are brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Listen, you want to spark something uncommon this holiday season? Do it with the right gift from Uncommon Goods Now. If you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, do not lose your mind. Don't go running into the streets, breaking windows and just punching strangers and things like that. Just go to uncommongoods.com they have tons of amazing products from there. I'm not going to lie. I got a sweater with dogs on it. But they have so much more stuff. You can go there and you could just. It really is an amazing place to source a bunch of things. It feels like you're going through Indiana Jones's library. There's just tons of things and you're supporting small independent businesses. When you go to uncommongoods.com Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't wait around and be like, I'll come back tomorrow and get it now. Uncommon Goods looks for their products. Then make sure they're high quality, unique, handmade, made in the usa. They have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. Whether it's the holiday host or hostesses gifts or cool finds for kids like Kevin has five Kids or hits for book lovers, Die Hard, sports fans, whatever it is, go to uncommongoods.com and with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. Mom, are you there? Yes, I'm doing an ad for Uncommon Goods. Do you like their products? I'll call you back. So go to uncommongoods.com do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get 15% off of your next gift, go to uncommongoods.Com heretohelp that's uncommongoods.com heretohelp for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the order.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are brought to you by Philo. Listen, Philo's got current seasons of shows that I can't miss. We can't miss. We watch TV together live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery and TLC. You've got the Classics, the Office, Martin, Friends. What did I say? The classics. I'm not lying. Shows you can watch over and over again. Originals on AMC, Mad Men, Orphan Black. It's also got 75,000 movies and shows. That is the rest of your life's viewing pleasure right there. All right? You can rewatch it over and over again. And look, I've said it before. Jake and I. Jake and I will text about some of the shows that maybe aren't as mainstream. We have a lot of those in common. One of those is Love after Lockup or Life After Lockup. This show is something you should really get involved in. It's a very bingeable show and it is available here, so. But also Jersey Shore family vacation, Catfish. Honestly, the re. One of the reasons Jake and I were able to start this show was because of Jake's love of catfish. So Golden Girls, best pilot ever made. You can go watch all these shows. So do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Best of all, with Philo, you get all this for just 28 bucks a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Philo TV and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's Philo P H I L O tv to start watching. How you doing? Welcome to the show.

[Kyle]

Thank you very much. I'm doing great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. Can we get your name, please?

[Kyle]

I am Zach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Zach.

[Kyle]

I'm 36. I'm from Ottawa. I think that's the normal steal. Yeah, I'm Zach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it. You ever see the show New Girl?

[Kyle]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So one of the writers from New Girl, a guy who wrote an episode that features somebody.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no, no, no. The architect of Brian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The architect of Brian, the security guard. That's right.

[J]

Yeah, I created.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the creator of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Yeah. You are the. You are the puppet maker and you are the puppet good sir.

[J]

I like that white dude at the end of the Matrix. I'm the architect. I did this seven times already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The man who wrote the episode that created Brian from XOXO Gossip Kings podcast, a man who was also in a weird pilot presentation I did in my backyard. Yes, you were.

[J]

He was in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You guys were back there. But you did not talk Brian that day.

[Jake Johnson]

But that must have. Well, finish the intro.

[J]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mr. Lamar.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder if. I wonder if Brian was kind of the seed was planted in your head in the backyard that day or.

[J]

Yeah, because that was after that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

New Girl. No, New Girl was done when we did that podcast.

[Lamar Woods]

I.

[J]

Listen, did I just recognize for a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show when I'm on New Girl, Garfield's going on.

[J]

I don't think we had a chance to talk.

[Jake Johnson]

No talk about it. Sure. But again, I mean, I Think we want to get to the call. Obviously, we want to talk.

[J]

Is he still there?

[Jake Johnson]

But, I mean, it must be amazing to be kind of at the captain of the Brian ship. I mean, yeah.

[J]

I mean, it was the last season, but it was good. You were great. Y'all were like. Y'all had a great time and just.

[Jake Johnson]

Being Brian and I mean, it was such a. It was such a movement. Go ahead, Jake. You wanted to say, Lamar, how many.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Years did you write for new?

[J]

Just the last two. Well, for season six at seven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Season six and seven.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Fun.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[J]

It was a good time, man. I love. I love working with you, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You too, man.

[J]

Yeah, we had a good time on set.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we do.

[J]

Do you remember this episode? That was really funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[J]

Lamar directed. That was cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How was a director? And by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rest in peace.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[J]

Is he dead?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That version of his body? Yeah.

[J]

Yeah. I want that picture at my funeral.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me too. By the way, anybody. Anybody who passes away should have that funeral. Like, all the photos of them and then just one of them where somebody goes, is that what he looked like? Yeah. Is that what he looked like with no clothes?

[J]

Like, when Obama dies, it's just like, man, what a legacy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, yeah, Barry did great. The body looks great.

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody wants to bring it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hey, Zach, what can we do for you today, bud?

[Kyle]

I've got a problem here. I've got an old friend of mine who I did wrong. He and I used to do amateur stand up comedy together. And last year, right before, probably the biggest set that he'd ever done, he called me up, I think, because he wanted to be. He wanted me to be, like, part of the moment. He's backstage, he's about to go on stage, and he runs through his jokes with me, and he's like, here I am about to go up. What do you think? And kind of by accident, I said, I don't like any of your jokes, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, exactly.

[Kyle]

And so now I need to make this up to him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold up. What's up, man?

[J]

Why are you dead?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why did you do that?

[Jake Johnson]

You're trying to be funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was it a bit? Yeah.

[Kyle]

So this is the thing. It was a bit. It's an ongoing bit that he and I have done for years now. When we. When we moved to different cities, we text our jokes to each other, and the ongoing joke was we never laugh at each other's jokes. I got, you know, bag on each other's jokes, make fun of each other's jokes. So I looked A bit too far. I know that I can't even post for Uncomfortably Laughing. I know how bad it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Kyle]

So I need to make it up to him. And the second edition of the show that he did last year, that. Where I. Where I gave them this. This bad line right before his show. He's doing a second edition of it in May, and he's invited me to perform with him. I want to use that opportunity, if I can, to make it up to him somehow. And I was curious what you guys might come up with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So you have. So just to recap, so we're on the same page, you got an old friend, two standups. You guys do mean jokes. The mean jokes that you never laugh at each other's bits. Right before his big show, he said, hey, man, let me run you. Run some bits by you. At the end, you said, I don't like any of those. He goes on set and how did he perform that night? Did he die?

[Kyle]

No, he killed it. He did. Great laugh. It was a really good show for him.

[Jake Johnson]

Just to be clear, you did. He wasn't even running you through the jokes before he went out. He was just like, man, I'm excited. And you were like, nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he said he ran. He wanted to run through all the jokes.

[Lamar Woods]

Yeah.

[J]

Like, he wanted feedback.

[Kyle]

Yeah. No, he ran to jokes. Me. He's like, here's my set. What do you think?

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you said, I don't like any of them.

[Jake Johnson]

Any of these are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then he went out and killed. Here's what I think you could do. I got my first pitch for that. I think the first thing is you're opening for him.

[Kyle]

Yeah, I'm not opening. I'm like, second or third up, but I'm going before him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So I say, potentially, you retell this story, and you say, coming up later, he's a great comedian. He's a friend of mine. He did all this. I said this. You really set it up for this big moment. And then you said, I don't like any of them. And then you go. And the audience killed. So what the fuck do I know? So then you're killing yourself a little bit to build him up on that. Yeah, look, it's not a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guy and Lamar, fuck you. Get out of here.

[J]

I like that idea, but I think. I think it's too late. You already fucked him up. Like, go to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you.

[J]

Are you in therapy? You should go to therapy with him and talk about no way, no way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a worse idea than mine. If a comedian friend said to me, if I said to somebody, follow. And I go, I don't like your thing. And I went like, all right. And then I went out and crushed. First of all, I think, fuck you, who cares? Second, if he goes like, hey, Jake, it's Zach. And I go, what's up, Zach? And he goes, hey, man, you want to come to a couple's therapist with me so we can talk about how I made a mean joke? I would go, in what world am.

[J]

I gotta get that hard?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I like a male comedian.

[Jake Johnson]

First of all, your pitch is good.

[J]

The reason why you felt my idea is great too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yours is so much more sensitive. It is, yeah, it's way. It's very progressive and sensitive. Imagine, yeah, if you went and performed one night and a random dude, a buddy, made a mean joke before you went on and it didn't affect you.

[J]

Yeah, you crushed it and I crushed you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crushed. Now if you died, it's one you crushed. Then a few months later, he goes, hey, Lamar, what are you doing on Wednesday? And you're like, I'm free. Why, you want to get lunch? He goes, no, I want to go to therapy together to get to the root of our issues. And you go, what's your last name?

[J]

I don't even know you. I don't get your hand out of my pocket. But I think so, no, because I had a friend do this yesterday. I had a show the other day. Or is that like. It's not really about the show necessarily. Right? You do the show, you're going to kill it. It don't matter what you say, but you have friends where you're doing bits all the time and sometimes you're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not in a bit mood. I'm actually kind of nervous about this show real quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm tired.

[J]

My man, he. I had got. I was about to go on, I just got off stage and I thought I did really well. And then I saw him and I said, man, did you get to see me on stage? He is like, man, don't nobody want to see your shit. And then I was like, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who is this legend?

[J]

Actually, I can say his name because he's. He does this Ronnie Adrian, hilarious comedian. But. But sometimes I'm like, man, I was actually in a really vulnerable. Like, I wasn't. I wasn't like ready for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, what's the guy's name again?

[J]

Ronnie. Adria.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ronnie. So then imagine if you said, like, hey, man, do you want to go to a Zoom couples therapy session? Please?

[J]

That's why I'm telling you to do it, because I'm gonna do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you could do. I think that's so true, too. It's like, people think that you're like. It happens a lot with, like, strangers who will be like, hey, I'm going to bust your chops. And they'll say something. We're like, man, sorry about that. And you're like, actually, I don't know you. And that hurts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we busted. So Gareth and I have known each other forever. I bust chops. I like getting busted.

[J]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were making a. Somebody had commented. I'm not bringing up an old thing, but he told us we were doing bits, me, him, and Kevin about, like, mean comments you've gotten. Like, maybe we could use it for the show. And he goes, the worst one I ever got was somebody said, why does he look like Fat Aaron Paul? And so we started calling him Fat Aaron Paul on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it follows me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then one show after, you know, I gave it no thought, right? We're goofing around. We do a couple chubby bits on the thing that night. We call. We're just bullshitted. And as we're talking, I hear like. He's like, yeah, I mean, I definitely agree. If we can get YouTube going, it's definitely going to help. But what's fun? And I went like, what the are you so breathy for? And he's like, no, go ahead. He goes, God, now he's like, shut up. Shut up. Just whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

I think what I'm saying is it's good. It's trading in the right direction. Water real quick. My electrolytes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they were three chubby comments, and I'm on a peloton. And I was like, all right, we are done.

[J]

It was cool, but the three were like, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I said, we're done making mean jokes. We're taking a break. We have. I've slowed down a lot, which shows I bust my chest, Right?

[Jake Johnson]

The funniest thing was when we were talking about it, and I was, like, trying to find the comment on the video. And because that one. I just saw that one randomly. So when we were scrolling through, I was seeing all these other comments.

[J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And these comments were just like, is this Amy Schumer? I'm talking physically. I was like, jesus Christ. Assaulted. But I actually. First of all, I think your pitch worked well. The problem was there's this weird satellite delay because this dude's in Ottawa. So you heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was the pause.

[Lamar Woods]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You heard a pause. You lost your mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[J]

Y.

[Jake Johnson]

But I thought.

[J]

I thought that was, like, a good idea. My idea is not a real.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you definitely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, I think Lamar could be interesting.

[John Gabris]

I think.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's good. I think what Jake said is right. You totally. Because it's his night. It's all that you want, like, proper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I like your pitch. What you could do is you could do a therapy session where either you're doing it for, like, a social media thing, or you could do a live show where you're going to, like, like two nights before the show you're going to do.

[J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys could get together, you could bring like a. Like whatever. Find a therapist who's going to be stage comfortable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring them up on stage and you talk it out with the therapist in front of him and talk about, like, for a half hour, busting chops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you each can cap it with like, 15 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Zach, is that a world you guys are in? Because you did start this with amateur. So is these. These events, are they getting bigger, or are you guys the kind of people out in Ottawa where you could maybe fill some seats for a night of. You do stand up. He does stand up. And you have, like, another comedian. Be a therapist. Is that a reality there?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Right.

[Kyle]

That probably is not. We're. We're like open mic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean.

[Kyle]

Gonna be able to draw a crowd for a show. Yeah.

[J]

Right, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, guys, why. Can we help with Zach? Are we leaning into. In May lead out with it?

[Jake Johnson]

I think you could do that. Here's one other pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please.

[Jake Johnson]

At a show, you do your buddies. Your buddy's there, and you do his set in front of him. My buddy and I used to do this on the road where we'd hear each other set so many times, Right. That sometimes we go, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna just do your joke tonight. Like, let's just swap jokes a little bit, because you know them so well. So if you go to a show, you bring him and you go, I'm gonna do your set and talk about how great it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Low stakes. Get up on stage. You're cleaning the slate with an homage set.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Is my pitch. It's not great either.

[J]

So, Zach, I think that's funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think. Zach, what are you thinking?

[Kyle]

So my problem with your pitch, Jake, is I think it's a bit of a downer when I tell the story. Like that was your reaction?

[J]

Yeah. Jesus.

[Kyle]

Why did you do that? Yeah, it was a pretty asshole thing to do, and I know that, and I feel bad about it, so I don't want to bring the mood down. I think I'm leaning toward the Garf Man's pitch. I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And walk us through what you're going to do there when you do the Garf Man. Just because I don't fully get the pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

You want me to run you through it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, let's have Zach.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Zach.

[Kyle]

I gotta find an open mic where he and I can get some spots together and then just make sure I'm up before him and. And do his set. The one that he did last year.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

I still have new material now because we're always trying new stuff, and that way I'm not stepping on his toes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he's pitching. Do his set on stage.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[J]

Yeah, that's what you're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're saying get up there and.

[Jake Johnson]

Get up there and blow suck.

[J]

But what if they like those really? Well, then he just blows up. Well, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a. We got a project we're gon work on together. Yeah.

[J]

I'm gonna add.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna add this. You do that set. You talk after every joke. Man, that joke is a killer. That these are all killers. Then he gets up, does your set, and he gets to all over it. So you're set swapping in front of an audience. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Zach.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's actually a fun idea. What about apologizing to him for the night? He'll say, oh, forget it, dude, and then go, so I want to pitch something. We do a set swap where you on the jokes that your writer wrote, y and I compliment the jokes and what the audience thinks when we do each other's jokes. Did you ever try that?

[Kyle]

We've talked about joke swaps before, so I think this is a great idea. It's the perfect way for me to maybe make it up to him and he can get some revenge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's get out with win here. Thank you so much for the call. All the best.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, enjoy the hills.

[Kyle]

It was a pleasure, guys. Nice to meet you, Lamar. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. Listen, we're here to solve problems, and Squarespace helps us. The problem solvers also solve problems. Despite being really easy to use and very user friendly, despite the fact that Kevin and I both have our personal Websites used by the Squarespace template again makes it look very professional. We also have Squarespace step in like a great bench player on the here to help basketball team. I'm pushing it. They, they have helped us make websites for problems that we needed to solve. When people need something to promote them or corroborate a fib because look, sometimes you got to get in the dirt. You got to muck it up a little bit. Squarespace helps us with that.

[Steve Berg]

It is shocking how many problems you can solve with a convincing website.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we, I honestly dare I call it a crutch eventually because we would go like we could just make you a website and we would just make them a website. Yeah, I mean it really is. You could make it for whatever but also your business. It doesn't always have to be for nefarious activities. They have design intelligence, Squarespace payments connect social and multimedia accounts. Invoicing. You could sell your content, SEO tools. Truly, the list goes on and on. We love Squarespace. Squarespace loves us. I've been told I haven't actually had contact with them. They don't return emails. Some of them bounce back, which is funny. But join the Squarespace movement people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Head to squarespace.com Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code GIL.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club offers shave and grooming products that are always high quality but never overpriced. Listen, I have been using Dollar Shave Club razors for a long time. They have wet shave products. Julie, flip the script on how we shave. It's so much easier now. They have things like the Club Series 6 Blade Razor. It's just a perfect shave. You look at me, I've got a beard, but I trim around. Don't tell anybody. Six stainless steel blades and it's the closest and most comfortable shave imaginable. There's the diamond grip handle, heavy metal handles. That one's worth the wait. Shave butter. I know what you're saying. I've been putting that on my popcorn. You're doing it all wrong. You put it on your face. And there's also post shave do. Okay. They have a double headed electric trimmer. There's style detailer precision trimmer for everything. Personal care for dudes. So do us a favor and join up with the Dollar Shave Club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't take our word for it. Try for yourself. You can visit their site right now for 20% off of 20 or more and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com hereto help and use promo code here to help for 20 off. $20 or more. This episode is brought to you by maybe my favorite. Yeah, my favorite tasting sponsor, Hero Bread. Hero Bread is the bread you love without the carburetor. Just because it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all the carb heavy foods you love. And it's not summer, it's near. Thanks. So what are your favorite Hero products? Mine are just the regular sliced bread. I like the tortillas. I like the Hawaiian rolls. I am an everyday eater of hero bread because being from the Chicagoland area, Kevin, we are sandwich guys.

[Steve Berg]

Had BLTs over the weekend with Herobrad. They were delicious. A friend was with us and even called out. This bread's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you don't. And you don't feel guilty?

[Steve Berg]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So keep the carbs out of this season without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at Hero Co and use code help at checkout. That's help. Dell Technologies Cyber Monday event is live. And if you've been waiting for an AI ready PC, this is their biggest sale of the year. Tech enthusiasts love this sale because it's all the newest hits plus all the greatest hits all on sale at once. Savings on Dell technologies most popular PCs that accelerate AI with Intel Core Ultra processors are here, like the XPS 16. So if you're ready to step up all things you like to do, streaming, surfing, multitasking, whatever, Dell Technologies AI Ready PCs are the perfect upgrade. And for the best of Intel Core Ultra processors, look for Intel Evo Edition laptops engineered to do it all. Just visit Dell.com deals whether you're treating yourself or thinking of others, these Cyber Monday prices were worth the wait. But it's only here for a limited time. Shop [e-mail] deals.

[Kyle]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. You seem sweet. Welcome to. We're here to help. You know the deal. It's America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Listen, my man, we're going to get your name and your information. We're going to help you you whether you like it or not. But before we do, you have. You're on with Gareth and in Jake's stead today we have the amazing John Gabris. So you're gonna let's party Upgrade.

[John Gabris]

You've got the new guy.

[Jake Johnson]

So. All right, man. What is your. What is your name? Where are you calling from? If you want to tell us your age, it seems like We've gravitated away from that.

[Jesse]

Yeah. My name is Jesse. I live in Charlottesville, Virginia, and I'm 30 years old.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[John Gabris]

Hell, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Well, Jesse, listen, John is a busy man. I'm not, but we don't have time for this. Kevin invented Nike. I don't know if you heard that, but what's going on? What can we help you with?

[Jesse]

Yeah, so I am a teacher, and I teach middle school geography.

[John Gabris]

Oh, thank you for your service.

[Jesse]

Yeah, it's a wild time. So when I first got this job, I asked another teacher who had been doing it for a while, how do you teach middle schoolers? And they advised me that.

[Jake Johnson]

What did that person think of that question? Were they like, holy shit, should you be doing?

[Jesse]

They were like a mentor. So I think it was their job to answer.

[Jake Johnson]

But, yeah. Okay.

[Jesse]

This is kind of a weird question just to throw out there.

[Jake Johnson]

For sure. Yeah. Okay. All right.

[John Gabris]

This is at the job, right? You're asking. You're asking. You're at the middle school about the teachers going, hey, heads up. Which one are the students and which one are the teachers?

[Jake Johnson]

Just me or. There are a lot of kids here. Crazy.

[Jesse]

Yeah, there are. There are a lot of. A lot of crazy kids. Yeah. But what they said is to take, like, a small part of my personality and make it, like, a big part of my, like, teacher Persona. And I think what they meant by was, like, being really into sports or, like, really into Halloween or something. But I think that's, like, what a sane person probably would think of to go with. But what I told my very first class of students was that I had an irrational fear of ostriches.

[Jake Johnson]

Of what?

[Jesse]

Of an ostrich?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, of an ostrich. Okay.

[John Gabris]

I thought you said oxygen for a moment. And I was like, rip.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesse, he's got, like, a. He's got scuba gear on. I'm not a big oxygen guy.

[John Gabris]

I'm a big auto erotic asphyxiation guy.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm what we call a plant, man. He's got branches, you might notice. I'm a tree.

[John Gabris]

Give me the CO2, baby.

[J]

All right.

[John Gabris]

Fuck this oxygen shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's walk through what I do. He's just got gills, guys. I'm not like your other geography teachers.

[John Gabris]

I like this advice. This advice is kind of like Running man or GI Joe Rules, where it's like. Like, take a little part of your personality and, like, let students into that world. And then you can hide 85% of who you are.

[Jake Johnson]

But the setup is great to be like, mine is a phobia of the non flight bird.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Also middle school kids. If my teacher told me that, you don't think I would have bought 20 ostrich costumes on Amazon Day 1.

[Jake Johnson]

We're headed in that.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I think we might be. I'm sorry, Jesse.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Jesse. So. And is this true you have a fear of ostriches?

[Jesse]

No, no, it's not even true.

[John Gabris]

Okay, so it's day one you lie to the kids.

[Jake Johnson]

Day one, you lie to the kids. And your lie is. Dara, I'm, with all due respect, bananas.

[Jesse]

Yeah, so you're exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jesse]

You know, middle schoolers, you know, whatever you expect them to do, they do the opposite of. So it started just with some like hand drawn pictures and then like for teacher appreciation week would get like shirts with ostriches on them.

[Jake Johnson]

We're seeing some images right now. Yeah, these kids, but it's a lot. There's some people call making Jesse the ostrich your homage. Can you bring that back up again, Kevin?

[Steve Berg]

Here's one more too.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so, okay, well, I saw a Mr. Womble drawing. And then you're getting merch. You're getting merch. You're the ostrich man. You're getting T shirts, you're getting stuffed, ostensibly ostriches. People are giving you ostrich cards. It's kind of become your apple. Okay, so. So here you are, you're painted into this ostrich corner because you were trying to connect with your kids and they're taking advantage of it by ostrich assaulting you.

[Jesse]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Even like, kids I've never taught before, I've never even seen before will just come in my classroom and just say the word ostrich at me. Even like parent teacher conferences, parent will come in and say, you know, oh, you must be the ostrich guy. So it's definitely a. It's definitely like an all out assault for sure.

[John Gabris]

Off of a lie. What drove you to say that? As were you. Like, look, I'm not letting, like, do you have actually, like weird hobbies? And you were like, okay, I can't actually tell these kids he's got a.

[Jake Johnson]

Skin couch and he's like, ostriches freak me out.

[Jesse]

No, I think it was like I was excited initially, kind of naively thinking, like, it'll be fun to come up with reasons why, but I'm out of reason. Like, I tell them a different story every year and I think I'm just out of. I've reached a breaking point.

[Jake Johnson]

How long has this been going on? You might have said that. Forgive me.

[Jesse]

It's six years.

[Jake Johnson]

Six years of this.

[John Gabris]

That means new students are coming in.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Finding this out, graduating, you can't phase it out. This is. Is there. It's. Oh, boy.

[John Gabris]

This just reminds me of the social phenomenon when you meet someone and in the context in which you meet them, affects how you think about them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, right.

[John Gabris]

Like, oh, the first time I met Gareth was. We were next to each other at urinals, cox in hand. So now every time I think of Gareth, I'm like, oh, right, the guy with his cock and his hands. Like, he actually only does that when he pees, you know, like. Or like, oh, weren't. The last time I saw you, you were drinking gallons of milk for calories. Milk. Yeah. That's not who I am. And they're like, yeah, but you're the grass fed milk.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, honestly, John, what's so funny is, I mean, I've met you a few times, but you have this tweet that always. This is so weird. I don't have this with a lot of people, but you have a tweet that has always stuck with me, which is the hardest part of being an actor is figuring out where to take a shit. I was like. It hit me in a way where I was like, man, that is so true.

[John Gabris]

Like, eventually you get to the level of having your own trailer and that answers that question.

[Jake Johnson]

Even then. It's not.

[John Gabris]

It's not ideal.

[Jake Johnson]

Not a happy world.

[John Gabris]

Hey, wardrobe's going to come by your trailer. It's like, can they wait till the exorcism occurs and get this fucking poof?

[Jake Johnson]

Let them know an elephant had it yesterday. Okay. All right, so keep going. Jesse.

[Jesse]

Yeah, I guess my question is how to put an end to the ostrich thing. Or if you think it's too far gone. And then my question is, how do I turn it into a way to make money?

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus, what a twist at the end.

[John Gabris]

What a healthy. That's that last question of your three parter question, your A, B and C subsets. That last question is like the most American thing. It should just be said at the end. It should be at the end of every. Instead of at the end of a call when they're like, press one and let us know how he did it. Just should just say, and how. Shit. How can I make money doing this?

[Jake Johnson]

The ending of your question is phenomenal, obviously. Well, first of all, we all agree teachers don't get paid enough, so you should Be able to. Are you talking about how you personally do it, or are you talking about, can you start fundraising off of it for the school? I think I know the answer. I just want to make sure you're not magnetic. Yeah.

[Jesse]

It would be personal.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, sure. Absolutely. Wow. This is a banger. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle to some extent.

[John Gabris]

It's hard to put the head back in the sand.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, exactly. Once it's been removed, your reality is your reality. You've been. You've been taken out of the matrix goo. You cannot unsee what has happened.

[John Gabris]

My. My advice would be every year, introduce a slightly smaller bird that you're afraid of till you get it down. Now, hummingbirds, like, next year it's like emu. And then you go turkey, Turkey vulture. And just keep shrinking down until eventually, like, I'm terrified of, you know, mosquitoes. And then by the time you retire, like, everyone will, you know, everyone will have a different story to tell about Jessica.

[Jake Johnson]

I like the idea that in your pitch, the merch shrinks along with mediums only. He's like, I can't even see what they gave me this year. I think, well, obviously we're all saying the same thing. Bring in a hot plate and eat a bunch of ostrich in front of the kids. Have a meltdown.

[John Gabris]

And, oh, you should do that. You should go, I'm facing my fear. And eat, like, ostrich jerky in class in front of all them.

[Jake Johnson]

I do actually think, think that is the best way to go. I think you have, like, you have really honestly, and I don't even know if it's going to work, but you have, you have lore now. So the only way to undo the lore would be to out front be like, I'm confronting a fear, and be like, I am going to go into hypnosis and I'm going to try to undo my ostrich phobia.

[John Gabris]

And you need a second round of lore. Like, the only way out of lore is more lore.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you love ostriches. Yeah. More Lord. So I think you get. You should do something.

[John Gabris]

One does not simply walk into more lore.

[Jake Johnson]

That's great. I do think that's. I think that that's. To answer your first part. Okay, how. How do you do that? So I would say. What I would say is, I would say you're. You're going to go into hypnosis. You're going to try to undo it. There's also this. Ringo Starr at one point put out this video that Is so goddamn funny.

[John Gabris]

Oh, here goes Gareth again. His fucking guru, Ringo Starr. We always gotta hear the best beetle.

[Jake Johnson]

They're letting them survive by who's the most talented.

[John Gabris]

Ringo's got me doing cold plunges.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just like in Ravi Shankar outfits. Like, well, you know, we're actually. Ringo's been pretty weird this week. See Tarith. So I. He has this video where he made it and he basically said, no, don't send him shit anymore. He basically was like, I have enough shit. Do not. Do not send me stuff. Stuff. So I would think you could kind of do a combo. What you could do is you could be like, look, I have so much ostrich stuff. You guys keep giving it to me. I think it's really funny. But my. Are you married?

[Jesse]

No.

[Kyle]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, well, whatever. You're like, it's a lot. It's been a lot. So I am now trying to undo this and I am going to go into hypnosis. It's like a six week thing, all that. Now as far as how can you make money off it. Here would be my pitch. Do this six weeks ahead of like homecoming or something like that. And you tell the school and be like, hey, so what I'm going to do is I am going to do an announcement at like before. Six weeks before. And I will. My deal will be before I finish hypnosis, I will wear an ostrich costume at the homecoming event. But why don't we do it where, if we reach X amount of money, I'll do it for the kids. We could put some money towards homecoming. But I want 50% of it.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, you got to be upfront about what percentage you want from the fundraising. That's always. That's how you minimize tackiness.

[Jake Johnson]

Otherwise you have a new quirk and it's not as charming. Oh, that's the guy who embezzled.

[John Gabris]

I'm doing some light research here, Jesse. And how far away are you from? Bulls. From Isle of Wight, Virginia. Or a couple of hours. Okay. There is Zuni ostrich farm. Is there? I think you need to go make content for your students and make it seem like you are doing like immersion therapy for ostriches. Bug out on camera and shit. Just peak this fucking lore now. Then come back with not being afraid of ostriches anymore. And then the Jesse legend is banana. Then it's just like, oh, when I had him, he actually got over his fear of ostriches.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's great. I think you can maybe do that. That could maybe Spearhead. What? I. You could combine the two pitches, and that can be your way of announcing that you tried immersion therapy. It didn't work. And now you're trying to fund your hypnosis therapy via some kind of fundraising, something like that. You could be like, I'll release the unredacted version of this if I make enough. You know, hold the video hostage a little bit.

[John Gabris]

Save the ostriches. Like, is there, like, are they endangered in any way? Because then you can make it like your cause. Like, yeah, like, or. Or fucking go in on the lore, you know, like, set up a fake police report about a family that was killed by an ostrich and only a young boy was a. And he was. He was next to a globe. And that's how you got in love with world geography. Because during the tragedy, when the ostrich pecked your family's innards out in front of you, all you had was a globe to look at. And you're like, that's where Madagascar is. I can't wait to spread the. Spread this knowledge to kids.

[Jake Johnson]

You're then just going to get more pictures with, like, them pecking out the faces of people. Fuck you, Jesse.

[Jesse]

No, that's incredible. I'm so into it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so what? Just to be clear, I mean, we've pitched you a few options. The ostrich content, the fundraising, potentially the building of the more lore, your origin story. Origin story.

[John Gabris]

One more thing to throw out there is if you want to go full scumbag is next time all teachers do. Yeah, eventually everyone makes that heel turn. Trust me, a dozen. I mean, I might be the cause. Like, I might be the common denominator that makes every teacher slowly go fucking ape shit, where it's like, you have to stop talking to me like I'm a 12 year old as well. But maybe you go full scumbag. Next kid who comes in with, like, an ostrich type thing, you fake a fucking panic attack and then sue the school.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Well, that is. I. Kevin, can we legally be associated with this? It's out.

[John Gabris]

Kevin, as your lawyer, it's not good.

[Steve Berg]

I'm a multi on this show.

[Jake Johnson]

How did Nike.

[John Gabris]

Tonight on Twitch. I'll be testing pens and going over Gareth's court cases.

[Jake Johnson]

My lawyer. Why is he twitching the case? You're all in contempt, Kevin. What the. All right, Jesse, so walk us through what your plan is.

[Jesse]

Yeah, I think what. I think what I'll do is I'll go down the path of making some content, maybe taking a little Trip. I'm not above lying to my students, so I think I can do a pretty good job of really pretending to go through some real therapy there.

[Jake Johnson]

I also love your confidence that none of the students listen to this podcast. It's insulting, but we need that. That's my immersion.

[John Gabris]

Is your podcast on TikTok? Because I think you're safe. Otherw.

[Jake Johnson]

Honestly, I don't even know John.

[John Gabris]

Well, here to help is the number one Coco Melon podcast. So we're gonna be fine.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. I mean, we have some twitch crossover because of Kevin's pen stuff that does Boku.

[John Gabris]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And what. And. And then how. What about the. The monetary side of that, Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And I.

[Jesse]

And I think this idea of I also coach basketball, so maybe even coaching a game in an ostrich suit of some sort or coming out at halftime.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Yeah. Try to make a half court shot in the ostrich costume.

[John Gabris]

The ostriches seem like the kind of animal that would be on, like, an animated basketball team. Like, you know, if there was a spinoff to Madagascar. Why do I keep saying that word? You guys know that's my safe word. I'm being held hostage. Kevin. Madagascar.

[Jake Johnson]

We didn't notice. I. We didn't know.

[John Gabris]

I'm holding up a newspaper with today's.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, why don't you go with that? And then it just. Real quick, is there something you're passionate about? Because I think you could also replace.

[John Gabris]

This is the right move. Is to get a little touch of honesty.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Actually.

[Jake Johnson]

So is there something where you can maybe benefit off of it a little? Is there something that you're really into, like another bird?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, listen, Jesse, we gotta go.

[John Gabris]

You know, not everyone has to be creative. Some people just need to teach world geography to 12 year olds. And God bless you, Jess.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just glow globes.

[Jesse]

Honestly, globes are awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that could be your thing. Start a globe collection.

[John Gabris]

Well, think about it. Think about, like, you're fucking neck deep in ostrich merch. Is there anything you actually could. Is there anything you could actually use?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Like, should you be like, I'm really into laundry detergent or something? And then, like, the kids can, like, all you, you know, and every year you just changed based on, like, what you need in your house. You're like.

[Jake Johnson]

Or I was also thinking, like, if you were like, like, whatever. Like if there is, like, fitness or like, movies or something like that, you might not benefit in the way you are of the ostrich thing, but you could try to replace your personality over the years. I mean, you're going to be tenured at this point.

[Kyle]

Yeah.

[Jesse]

So I think it may be, like, concert tickets or something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think that's going to work, Jesse, but that's what I would do. Marinate on something. You could replace it with Temple of the Doom. Bag of sand for the idol. But. But look, honestly, it's got to weigh.

[John Gabris]

The exact same amount as.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's how you're gonna get those little spears shooting at you. Well, keep us posted on how it goes. I think you're in a good zone and. And give it a shot. Let us know how it goes. Okay. Yeah.

[Jesse]

Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[John Gabris]

And if you do a sketchy. If you do a sketchy. Gofundme, send it our way and we'll.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, and if you do the video, Send it our way, all that stuff. Obviously, we. We have ownership over this. Except for the legal issues.

[John Gabris]

We have ownership over this. Kevin, take that out.

[Jake Johnson]

Kevin, lose all that. Thanks so much. I think we need to lose most of the call, to be honest.

[Steve Berg]

All right, Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Lamar Woods]

Have a good question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're here to Help is hosted by.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[Steve Berg]

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartel, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon.

[Jake Johnson]

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo, and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you could check out his [e-mail] that's Oliver R A L L I dot com.

[Jake Johnson]

The album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram @jamesfosdike D I K E. And if you'd like to see me do Stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com.

[Steve Berg]

Additional Additional artwork by Paddy Holland. You can find him on Instagram @Paddy Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our [e-mail] yeartohelpod and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you'd like to be on the show, email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com all.

[Jake Johnson]

Of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decision.