149: On My Knees & Don't Call Me Daddy

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 149: "On My Knees & Don't Call Me Daddy"

Episode Overview

In Episode 149 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle a range of caller dilemmas, blending humor with heartfelt advice. From navigating workplace tensions with a librarian to redefining intimate nicknames post-parenthood, the episode delves into personal challenges with the hosts' characteristic wit. Additionally, a follow-up call provides updates on entrepreneurial ventures inspired by previous advice. Throughout the episode, notable quotes and insightful discussions highlight the duo's commitment to genuinely assisting their audience.

Discussion with Hannah: Dealing with a Bullying Librarian [11:16 – 22:00]

The episode opens with a call from Hannah, a 30-year-old veteran and stay-at-home mom from Portland, Oregon. Hannah shares her struggles with Denise, the school librarian, who initially allowed her to volunteer at the library—helping Hannah fulfill her 300-hour volunteer requirement for college while accommodating her four-year-old daughter.

Hannah's Story:

Hannah explains, "I need advice about how I can tactfully demand respect from this book jockey without messing up my current situation." [12:10]

The situation intensified after a mishap during the fall carnival where Hannah accidentally wrote "fall Carnival, Fall 2024" on the library floor with a marker that bled through, resulting in an unintended "yes" being visible. Denise's response was curt, insisting that janitorial staff handle the cleanup and hinting at using "tequila" as a remedy. This led to further tension when Hannah and her husband, along with their children, were seen scrubbing the floor, only to be reprimanded by the principal for not using proper cleaning methods.

Hosts' Analysis and Advice:

Jake remarks, "This feels like the beginning of a kids or young adult novel." [15:16], setting a light-hearted tone as they dissect the layered conflict between Hannah and Denise.

Gareth suggests a two-pronged approach:

1. Addressing the Mess: "Go to the grocery store and get a rug doctor and do that." [22:55]
2. Mending the Relationship: "I think you want the credit because I think it helps you with her because you don't want her to think like you had nothing to do with it." [27:45]

Jake emphasizes the importance of handling the situation covertly to prevent further backlash from Denise: "But we have to tackle the first mountain first." [24:25]

Ultimately, the hosts recommend that Hannah clean the stain discreetly with the help of her husband and children, leave a courteous note, and adopt a "burglar" persona to make the cleanup process more enjoyable and less confrontational. Gareth adds, "Leave behind some flowers and a note that said, sorry this took so long." [30:32]

Conversation with Peyton: Navigating Bedroom Nicknames Post-Parenthood [36:00 – 54:39]

The second significant interaction features a caller named Peyton (played by producer Rob Wobby Wob), who grapples with his wife's desire to call him "Daddy" in bed—a term that also applies to their three-year-old son. Peyton feels uncomfortable with this overlap and seeks guidance on redefining their intimate nicknames.

Peyton's Dilemma:

"My wife... she wants to call me daddy in bed. And this makes me uncomfortable because I have a son who also likes to call me Daddy." [37:31]

Hosts' Brainstorming:

Jake and Gareth engage in an animated brainstorming session to help Peyton navigate this sensitive issue. They consider alternative titles that maintain the desired dynamic without overlapping with familial terms. Suggestions include:

• Professional Titles: "Professor," "Officer," "Sir," and "Master" [44:07]
• Creative Role-Playing: Writing an erotic short story that redefines their relationship dynamics [43:32]

Gareth proposes, "I think you should write a romance short for her that involves you two and maybe highlights that that name doesn't work for the character you're playing." [43:32]

Jake encourages Peyton to integrate these new titles into their intimate life creatively, suggesting scenarios where Peyton takes on a dominant role corresponding to the new nickname: "Call me Coco, the gorilla from the yard." [46:38]

Outcome and Strategy:

The hosts conclude that introducing a new nickname should be a mutual and creative process, ensuring that both partners are comfortable and engaged. They advise Peyton to:

1. Introduce the Nickname Subtly: Begin with scenarios that naturally incorporate the new term, making it a part of their intimate narrative.
2. Increase Dominance: Use the new title in a commanding yet affectionate manner to rebuild the desired dynamic without causing discomfort.

Peyton responds positively, indicating readiness to adopt the hosts' suggestions: "I think it's honestly a great idea... I've been doing this in September and I feel like I have just been run over." [28:56]

Follow-Up with Matthew: Monetizing Inflatable Pigs [59:37 – 67:20]

In a return call, Matthew Cheeseman provides updates on his entrepreneurial venture involving large inflatable animals—specifically gorillas and pigs—originally recommended by the hosts for event monetization.

Matthew's Progress:

Matthew shares, "Since we last spoke in the newspaper, we've had a couple hits... we have a singles mixer experience in the pig for International Pig Day, March 1st." [62:30]

Hosts' Support and Suggestions:

Jake and Gareth express enthusiasm for Matthew's progress, suggesting enhancements such as:

• VIP Experiences: "You guys are giving us a lot to work with." [65:46]
• Photo Opportunities: Offering Instagram-worthy moments inside the inflatables.
• Exclusive Access: Creating a sense of exclusivity to drive demand.

Gareth adds, "A little like, we're going for. You go together. How about that makes total get together and start their relationship in the pig." [63:38]

Achievements Highlighted:

• Successful events around Halloween featured in local newspapers.
• Positive customer engagement through social media and targeted advertising.
• Strategic planning for future events to maintain momentum.

Hosts' Reflections and Wrap-Up [67:20 – End]

As the episode concludes, Jake and Gareth reflect on their success in providing effective advice, humorously debating their own hit rates and the dynamics of their advisory roles. They acknowledge the positive feedback from callers and express their commitment to continuing their mission of helping others.

Closing Remarks:

Jake humorously states, "We're here to help, we'll be right back." [66:00], encapsulating the show's ongoing dedication to assisting callers.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah on her situation: "I need advice about how I can tactfully demand respect from this book jockey without messing up my current situation." [12:10]
• Jake on the story's feel: "This feels like the beginning of a kids or young adult novel." [15:16]
• Gareth on mending fences: "I think you want the credit because I think it helps you with her because you don't want her to think like you had nothing to do with it." [27:45]
• Peyton's concern: "My wife... she wants to call me daddy in bed." [37:31]
• Jake on nickname strategies: "When you're called Daddy by a child... What can I get for you?" [42:33]
• Matthew on his entrepreneurial success: "We set up the Gorilla for Halloween for a kids party... got in the October edition." [61:40]

Conclusion

Episode 149 of We're Here to Help showcases Jake and Gareth's ability to blend humor with practical advice, addressing deeply personal and sometimes unconventional issues. Whether helping a caller navigate workplace bullying or redefining intimate dynamics, the hosts demonstrate empathy and creativity. The episode also highlights successful follow-ups, reinforcing the show's impact and the hosts' commitment to their audience.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Hannah]

The Angel Reese special at McDonald's. Now let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun of course. And don't forget the fries and the drinks. Sound good?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

[Hannah]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the post Mike Sarah episode Monday morning. Let's introduce our producer this year, Rob Wobby Wob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you see how he said this year just to keep you on your toes, Rob, nothing's locked in just this year.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, look, that's what, that's what Wobby Wob wants too. That's the dance, baby. We could pretend that, you know, Barb over here is drawing it, but this, if this is Shark Tank, he's for sure Mark Cuban.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

That's his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I, and I. I remain the guy in ski gear at the enders. Not sure what's happening.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you know what his vibe could be. Rob, if you were on Shark Tank, who would your character be? Are you one of the main five or are you one of those guys like the guy who created Kind bars?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Are you the guy who. Yeah, I'm gonna have to admit, I don't know who any of the five producers. Well, that's why we're going year to year with you. We just discovered we're not on the same page at all.

[Jake Johnson]

But we appreciate you being here this year with us. It's Been fun to have you. We also have liked the calls this year. It's been really fun and we're trying to connect follow ups to the episode. And we also heard everyone's complaint about putting ads in the middle of the call. And we worked with Headgum, our sales agents, and we're not gonna do it. They said that we can get away from that. So we hear it, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're here to help you guys. Rob, let me ask you this. When.

[Jake Johnson]

When you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you heard that we were interested. And again, I'm posturing like Shark Tank. You were obviously a fan of the show. Yeah. You'd listen to the show before that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Tom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you'd listen to a little attitude with. Yeah, a ton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is off the guys wearing orange right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. The orange guys are turning red. Listen a lot of podcasts, so I don't listen to a ton of podcasts.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Outside of what's being produced, but I. Very aware of the show and I know I was. Yeah, I'm a fan of both of you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you. Did you. And now you have told me that you're going back and listening to some. You're doing that a little bit, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your homework. Yeah. Yep. Favorite episode from season one. Rob, just so we can. I mean, we just want to make sure we're dealing with someone who's an honest.

[Jake Johnson]

That's like asking somebody their favorite storyline from a TV show they've never watched and watching them go, well, it was when the Frasier man said that he was ready to be a psychiatrist and the bartender man, Ted Danson man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just adding man to every occupation.

[Jake Johnson]

When you watch somebody fall apart, it is enjoyable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know, I've. This is one thing I realized watching the original Office. I was like, you know, one of my favorite things to do or like to watch is to watch an actor lying when we know he's he or she is lying. That brings me such joy to be like, watch someone fibbing on camera.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, the not funny version of it, but the very funny version of it. The not funny in context, but the very funny. Oh, yeah, that's why it's funny to Catch a Predator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

It is the grossest context. I don't. Well, because Chris Hansen is a comedic genius and the show brought down predators. And what I like about it is I like the end where they get arrested and then they have to call their. Their wives. But there is a moment of comedy in all those episodes when these guys are saying all these things via Email. Then they get busted. And then they pretend they weren't doing what they were doing. They'll go like, are you kidding me? Yeah, I came here because this 15 year old boy is alone. I was going to help with his homework. And they go worried he could.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some guy can come over here and try to be rude with him. And in a.

[Jake Johnson]

They go like a 40 year old guy like you? And they'll go like, exactly what? And they go, so why do you have eight jars of whipped cream? And they're like, for cherry pie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you kidding? How much are you kidding?

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean by salesmen?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need those.

[Jake Johnson]

The. Are you kidding me? When caught, a lie is always.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was entrapment, which is why the show stopped. But it was like, we were all like, we're actually okay with this entrapment. It is. Get these guys out of here. And also the idea of sitting in a house, drinking lemonade, lying to a guy from Dateline and you don't know while outside a cop is in a bush outfit or like dressed up like a hill and just like pops up with a machine. You were just like, man, these guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Or how about the acting gig? You're an actor in your late 20s, but you can play 14.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And always with the like, I'm just throwing some laundry and I'll be right back.

[Jake Johnson]

And then the creep's like, can I get a quick hug? Well, let me go in this weird back room really fast. Well, just one hug.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of curtains over those doorways. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You said you really liked Mountain Dew. I have a two liter. Okay, I'm gonna go in the back. What are you doing here? Me? Just delivering Mountain Dew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A grown ass man. Why don't you sit down? And you're just like, yeah, for sure I'll sit down. I mean, I love to sit.

[Jake Johnson]

And then it's. And then the point where they go, am I allowed to leave? And he goes, yes, I am. Okay, great. And then the cops come on. The guy's like, son of a bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or what about. Or what about the ones where the guys would be like, is this, is this Dateline?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like where you'd get recognized? Like, I'm not going to answer that.

[Jake Johnson]

If the, if the, the crime wasn't so grotesque. It is just such a funny character introduction to meet somebody in like a movie where Chris Hansen comes out. Like, I wish Chris Hansen was doing it for like insurance fraud. Something where you're actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, because when they got rid of the show, Chris Hansen was like, but that's All I been doing.

[Jake Johnson]

This is his whole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then they did like a version where he was catching, like, Internet scammers. And he would just be like, in Kenya. And he would be like, can I talk? Does anyone here want lemonade? And they would just be like, get out of here. You know, it's a much. It just wasn't satisfaction of those.

[Jake Johnson]

Although I will say I kind of. I'm kind of a Chris Hansen fan in terms of his tone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I would.

[Jake Johnson]

I would go down the road and watch him bust other people. Because he puts you in your place so quickly and he acts surprised that you're surprised.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He, he. He had all the power in a situation where there were these guys who were like, I'm pretty sure I'm in charge. Like, there's one guy who pounds a whole pizza. Like, he's like trying to posture like, dude, I'm not that nervous.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he just eats a whole pizza.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you going to do in that moment of utter. And then when the camera that come out, you have to pretend like, don't care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, whatever. Don't care that I still will have my insurance job Monday morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Don't care that this is the most humiliating life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All those emails.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm glad those emails are coming out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what, he read the chat. So what? He just read the whole chat and he stacks of paper.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I love when they go. And how old did you think, you know, Jared was in? He goes, 18. And then they go, well, the text said, you're 14. Is that cool? And you wrote af. And he goes like, right. No, that was a mistake. I thought that was a joke. I thought that was a joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there.

[Jake Johnson]

Gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's like a group now on, like, online who do basically do that.

[Jake Johnson]

I've seen it. And then they beat the people up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they, they. It's really crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Really crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, again, well, there's no defending.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. It's. It's such a hard thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is if you're just like, Jesus Christ. Everybody, everybody calm down.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

It's the whole thing in jail where you hear, like, pedophiles get it so bad in jail. And you're always like, culturally, you're like, well, yeah, yeah, that's in, like. What were you gonna say, Rob? We're still talking about Shark Tank, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Absolutely. Yeah. You've never seen the Tank? No, I haven't seen.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So Gareth is Robert, obviously.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a big. Yes. Ander. And I'll Try everything. I think I'm younger than I am and it's pretty annoying.

[Jake Johnson]

Meant to link Rob to the show. Gareth, who is he? He's not Damon. He's not? No, he's not. Lori.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not Mr. Wonderful, and that's a good thing.

[Jake Johnson]

I think he. I think he's like the kind bar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guy'S a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

The kind bar guy's a good one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know who he could be?

[Jake Johnson]

Who?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kutcher.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a. Ash. You. You just got Ashton Kutcher, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm punking you, Rob. I'm punking you. This is the intro with all the TV references. Well, we really are. We'll think of who you are, but we really are glad to have you, Rob, and appreciate it all. Really. Yeah. And you got a bunch of shoes back there and that's important to us.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, let's get into the show. What do you guys say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nah.

[Jake Johnson]

Without further ado.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Hannah]

Hello. Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey there. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? Wow.

[Hannah]

Yes, my name is Hannah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very quick. Okay.

[Hannah]

My name is Hannah, I'm 30 and I'm from Portland, Oregon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, beautiful.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Hannah, Hannah, 30, Portland. What do you do for work, Hannah?

[Hannah]

Well, I am a veteran and I'm a stay at home mom and I'm going to school right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you're a veteran. That's as cool as it gets. And how many kids you got?

[Hannah]

I have two kids.

[Jake Johnson]

Two kids, how old?

[Hannah]

Eight and four.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you got a baby too. So, Hannah, what can we do for you today?

[Hannah]

Oh, well, I'm being bullied by the local librarian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome to it.

[Hannah]

And I just. I'm calling you guys because I. I need advice about how I can tactfully demand respect from this book jockey without messing up my current situation.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's. What is your current situation? And when you say bullying, how intense is this? Are we talking funny bullying?

[Jake Johnson]

Walk us through it.

[Hannah]

Well, so the situation is, it's a little bit layered. So I'm finishing up my senior year, College. I need 300 hours of volunteer work. But because I'm a stay at home mom, I have a 4 year old who's like always, always with me. Right. The librarian is my son's school librarian, and she lets me volunteer there to, you know, fulfill that requirement for school. And she lets me bring my daughter with me. So it's. It's very, very helpful. It didn't. I didn't know. It didn't Start out as bullying. It kind of started out like she was micromanaging me, which I was like, absolutely. This is your library, like, however you need it. And when I'm. When I'm there, like, I'm there to work. I'm very efficient, and I'm there to, like, get things done for her. But then it kind of started to turn. She was having me do a lot of things, but then taking credit for them.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, first of all, before we go any further, Hannah, what's this library? And let's give her a name.

[Hannah]

Let's call her Denise.

[Jake Johnson]

Denise. And what's an age for Denise? We talking 65?

[Hannah]

Oh, no. Denise is probably in her 40s.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I didn't expect that. Okay. She's a baby. So Denise. Denise runs the library, and the library is at a school, and that's why your kids there. So it's like a preschool. Is it a pre. Is it through, like, fifth grade?

[Hannah]

Yeah, it is preschool up to sixth grade.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And she runs the library there, and you need the 300 hours. So you're volunteering, and you're basically like her internal.

[Hannah]

Yes, that's correct.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And so she's having you at first, when you. You explain this to her. She said, come work for me. It's no big deal. Of course. Bring both kids. And you're like, you're the best.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Hannah]

And my son goes there. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Was there a moment, like, did she ever say, like, hey, we should get dinner sometime? And you said, like, no, thank you, and then the vibe changed. Because a lot of times there's moments like this where, like, something happened and then, like, things went sideways. I'm wondering if there was something that happened.

[Hannah]

Absolutely. Well, I can tell you the day it happened was the day of the fall carnival.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Always as the.

[Jake Johnson]

This feels like the beginning of a kids or young adult novel. Now we go back to the carnival.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just gonna say this is when we leave the page and we go to the reenactment.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love to go back to the reenactment as a podcast.

[Hannah]

It is a fun special.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so take us to the carnival.

[Hannah]

So day of the fall carnival, I come in to volunteer. She has a big piece of paper on the floor. It's really important that you know that it is on the floor.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Hannah]

She wants me to write out fall Carnival, fall 2024.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Hannah]

I said, okay, so get down. She gives me a marker. I start writing. Class comes in, and the students are like, I want to help. Absolutely. Students start helping me. Another parent Volunteer comes in. She starts helping me. So we're all working on this. So finish the sign. I have to go pick my daughter up. She's at preschool part of the day, so I go to pick her up. I get a text from Denise a couple hours later. It's just a picture of the floor. The sign is no longer there, but the marker had bled through, so there's a big yes on the floor. It says, fall Carnival. You know, fall 20, 24.

[Jake Johnson]

It went right through it.

[Hannah]

Right through. I text back immediately, and I say, I'm so, so sorry. Let me come clean that up. And she says, bring a magic eraser and hand sanitizer.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay?

[Hannah]

I said, okay. So I go to pick up my son, and she pops her head into the car, and she's like. I said, hey, again, I'm so sorry about that. I. I will clean that up this evening because of all carnival this evening. And she was like, it's fine. She said, the janitorial staff said, that's what you need to clean it. And by the way, they like tequila.

[Jake Johnson]

They like what? Tequila.

[Hannah]

They like tequila.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, buy the janitor's tequila.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Because tequila this.

[Hannah]

I screwed up their floor.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Hannah]

End of the carnival, I go upstairs and I start scrubbing, and my husband's with me, and my kids are with me, and my husband gets down on his knees with me, and we're both scrubbing. And then the principal comes upstairs, and she has her kids, and her kids then get down on the floor and start scrubbing. Well, the principal didn't see this happening. She comes around the corner, and she says, what are you doing? And I said, oh, Denise, this happened. And Denise said, I need to clean this. I said, that's what I'm doing.

[Jake Johnson]

But you said. Denise said, I have to clean this. And the principal thinks this is why we have janitors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Hannah]

Well, then the principal says to me. She goes, I do not want you on your hands and knees. She said, we have chemicals to clean this. She said, no. This said, do not. Do not do this. She said, you just did a whole carnival. She said, our staff will take care of this.

[Jake Johnson]

She said, get up, Hannah.

[Hannah]

So we get up. Oh, it gets. So we get up.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going. Keep going.

[Hannah]

And we leave. Well, I come back. It's because we're.

[Jake Johnson]

A question for you, Hannah. Question for you. And I'm sorry to do this, you, Honor. I'm sorry to.

[Hannah]

No, you're okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Proceed.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. When you said to the principal. Denise told us to. Was it pointed?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good question.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Hannah]

When you say pointed, Jake's asking if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You had mustard on that, if that was an earnest response to a question or if you wanted the principal to know this was a little weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Denise was being a little bit harsh, and you were kind of in a weird spot.

[Hannah]

It was filled with mustard.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Okay. There we go. So you made a choice.

[Jake Johnson]

No further questions. Continue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sit down.

[Jake Johnson]

But I do want the jury to know that I don't want. I wanted the jury.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't address them directly. Go ahead, Hannah.

[Hannah]

Keep going 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Hannah]

So I come back on Monday.

[Jake Johnson]

I represent Denise from here on out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? But just please be quiet your time.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead. Okay. Go ahead, Hannah.

[Hannah]

I come back on Monday. Walk through the front doors or walk through the library doors and turn the corner. Denise is sitting at the desk and she can see me.

[Jake Johnson]

She had she.

[Hannah]

That they were to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Neither would I.

[Hannah]

So I say, yeah, exactly. I say, good morning, Denise.

[Jake Johnson]

And she goes.

[Hannah]

She just looks.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't you say that to the principal?

[Hannah]

Well, I look over her shoulder, and it's still there on the floor.

[Jake Johnson]

The janitors and the chemicals didn't do anything.

[Hannah]

So then. Then I look at her, and she's just staring at me. And I recount everything that happened that night. I said, I. I did come up here and I did do this. I said, you can see where we were scribing. I tell her exactly what the principal said to me, and she just goes, oh, really? I said, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, Hannah, Hannah, I love the way you tell a story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're just spinning a yarn over here.

[Jake Johnson]

You're very dramatic. You're doing a wonderful job. I am invested. I gave a little bit of a stomachache, and I'm mad at everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, perfect. I'm.

[Hannah]

I'm nervous on this end, so thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Good. You did a great job.

[Hannah]

This happened back in November, and I was there last week, and it's still there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. What. What are we. This is. Come on. What are we?

[Jake Johnson]

How come know how come no one's cleaned it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She wants a spite spot.

[Hannah]

I find out, right? It's some sort of weird power trip, and I don't. And ended up. I. I felt I got upset because she. We were. The last time we were there, I was sitting there and scrubbing with the kids, and the kids said, why? Who did this? And I said, I. I did this. And then the kid said, well, why is it still here? And I look up at Denise and I said, I thought you were going to reach out the janitorial staff.

[Jake Johnson]

You said this from your knees?

[Hannah]

I said it from my knee.

[Jake Johnson]

While she's in the chair looking down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At you out your mouth.

[Hannah]

Her feet just swinging on the chair.

[Jake Johnson]

And so.

[Hannah]

And she.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd she say?

[Hannah]

So. So I say to her, I go, he. I thought you're supposed to reach out to the janitorial staff. The principal said she didn't want us doing this. And then all the students look at her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jesus.

[Hannah]

And then she looks at me, and she's like, well, I've been meaning to. They're just so busy, so she never reached out to them.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Hannah]

She's just been having us clean, so I don't know how to. I love the work.

[Jake Johnson]

Hannah, we're gonna jump in. We're gonna jump in.

[Hannah]

Help me.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So this has been a pretty good setup. We see it. It's very clear. It feels like you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a year later and this is still going on.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I'm glad we got into this. And here's why. Because we've done calls where there's, like. I'm just remembering some Lady Gareth in the parking lot where there was, like, the older lady who has taken her spot at the school, you know, and that was more just bullying. This feels like you and Denise are involved in a weird thing that started.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that. That was also passive. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Face to face. It's very.

[Jake Johnson]

I have strange. I have my pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a couple, too. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

My first pitch is you get into the school and you have the access on a weekend, you get on your knees and you scrub that floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I can do you one better.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead.

[Hannah]

Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go. Go to the grocery store and get a rug doctor and do that. Just let the rug doctors do the work. Or give the janitors tequila and be like, hey, there's a stain up there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but she can't. She can't go to them because she tried with the principal. Anytime you go through anybody else with Denise, it's going to backfire on Hannah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also. I think. Okay, I think. I think it's got to be two pronged. One is get rid of the stain. So you can either, you know, for whatever reason, grocery stores rent those big rug cleaning machines. I'd get one of those. Or. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it on a rug or tile, Hannah?

[Hannah]

It's on tile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Then get in there, elbow grease it. But then I think we also have to mend the fence. As much as you would rather let this per. Like, let your actions speak. I do think you want to do something for her to say. Hey, obviously this was a bit of a strange situation and this went sideways. Yeah, I'm glad. You know, here's a pie or like, here's a bottle of wine or here's a gift.

[Jake Johnson]

First. First order of business. And you're not wrong, Gareth, but I do think we got to tackle the first mountain first. Hannah, how are you going to clean that off the floor? How can you get in there when Denise doesn't know without going through the janitors? What's the system? Because I'll tell you, if you go through the janitors and you try to go through an official channel and Denise finds out, it's going to make your life even worse.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you walk us through a pitch. Because you know, Hannah, how to get in that room when Denise is not around. And it's not going to take you a week of scrubbing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need pretty bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's probably like that, like, deep marker. Kid Sharpie. The thick ones, that's just really stained.

[Hannah]

Sounds so you guys can see.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I like to see some photos.

[Hannah]

Yeah. I can email a picture over to you guys, but I see. I see what you guys are saying.

[Jake Johnson]

And what do you think of this?

[Hannah]

I know exactly. She doesn't like exactly when I could get in there. I think it's a great idea to get rid of the stain.

[Jake Johnson]

When could you get in there? Just because now I'm invested in the story.

[Hannah]

Right. Well, she has certain times of the day where she goes and works with other students, so I had the library to myself, so I could just try to work as fast as I could.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. But Jesus Christ, Anna, it's like a heist movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't get caught.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't get caught. You can't be three quarters of the way through and she walks in and you're on your knees with gloves on. That's a nightmare. She might kill you.

[Hannah]

She's. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Hannah]

She signed me up to finish the yearbook, so I have to be there after school so I could.

[Jake Johnson]

Ooh. And she leaves. She leaves when the bell rings.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

That's your move.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

When she's gone and you know she's gone and you're there for yearbook. Get this stuff and you don't stop until it's done. And guess what your kids can do? Hang out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I would sneak it in that day.

[Jake Johnson]

And I. I would. I would have your husband help. I would have anybody you can recruit. Not through the school that Denise doesn't have to know. And then I would leave behind some flowers and a note that said, sorry this took so long.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sorry this happened. It will not happen again. All the best, Hannah. And then when she brings it up, you just play nice a couple times, you kill her with kindness, and you move on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

But we have to. We have to right the wrong on this one because Denise seems petty and she's not gonna let it go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is also employer employee. This isn't like a person in your personal life and you've got to kind of mend the fence. This is like you just got to get through a certain amount of time.

[Jake Johnson]

As well as we need you to get those 300 hours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's what I mean. It's like you've got a destination like this does end. So that's, you know, I think is the thing.

[Jake Johnson]

You know how you could make it fun? You, your husband and the kids all wear camouflage are all wear all black like burglar clothes. And you do it like it's. Yes. And it's. You've got to be done by. So the kids are in. Nobody can catch us. It's. We have to get everything off. And it's got to be perfect. Or here's a way to make it fun. You clean it. You don't leave a note.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you never mention it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'm gonna separate from Jake on this.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you want the credit because I think it helps you with her because you don't want her to think like you had nothing to do with it. I think I. I would attach the two. I do like the cat burglar pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Can she stay mad with no stain?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, she can. Yes, she will. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotcha. You think the pettiness would go. I gotcha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I think she. This, this is not about the stain.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is about the mustard, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is how you get the mustard off of them. That's what I think.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. That's interesting. I don't think you're wrong, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I. But I do like the pitch of being like pitch to your kids that you're gonna hat bur move. You're going to sneak in these things. We're going to put black hats on. We're going to set a timer and we're going to, as a family, get this stain up as quick as possible. And then I would do the leave behind a flower, a like some cookies, something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you talk for a little bit and let us know what you're thinking.

[Hannah]

I think it's honestly a great idea because just like you're saying it wipes the freight claim and just like letting her know, yes, it was me. I think it's a great idea to come in and make it fun. And I think also if something happens in the future, it does back me up by saying, hey, I. May I. I made that wrong. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Looking for the reset you're looking for. Right.

[Hannah]

And I also agree when you say this isn't an employee situation, there's going to be an end point. So honestly, I'm gonna take your guys's advice because I've been doing this in September and I feel like I have just, like, been run over and I think this is a great start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know. You know what I gotta say, Hannah?

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Season two, Gareth and I are giving great advice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're good. I'm a little worried. I think the bottom is gonna drop. The bottom.

[Jake Johnson]

This is not the moment for us to be bragging. I know, but she just said she was at the end of the line. She felt emotional. This was helping. Who are we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Becoming good advice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. I don't like it. It's not good.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna back off. I'm feeling too confident.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I would take some dog and rub it on that. Put a little dog on there.

[Jake Johnson]

Have you ever thought of Parmesan in the floor?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I'll. Jake, I gotta tell you, someone came to my show and brought me a thing of Parmesan to sign for their.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Hannah, I think this is gonna work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too. I think it's. Yeah, it's definitely the right way to start.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And then will you. Will you take a couple of pics of the you guys in the burglar clothes, cleaning it up, some before and afters. And then what are you gonna leave in the note? What's the note gonna say?

[Hannah]

Probably. I'm so sorry it took so long to clean up. I hope this starts your year good.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. I got a pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Go for it.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hopefully this new floor means a new start. I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

[Hannah]

I really like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I like it. I also a little bit hate it as Denise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She likes it. What?

[Hannah]

What's your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hannah likes it.

[Jake Johnson]

So my pitch would be. I think I've been on my. I've been on my knees enough for you. Time for you to get down here too. Come in the mud with me, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about roses are red, violets are blue, the floor looks good now. Fuck you.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this? You clean it up and the next day with marker you write fuck you Denise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you stain up only to write you Denise on the floor the day you quit.

[Jake Johnson]

You bitch. I was on my knees enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. This is what happens when you compliment our advice. Now we're like, ruin everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Hannah, thank you so much for the call. Please follow up, but please send some pics on what's going on with this. And I do think the note should be really clean, really quick. Yeah, I don't think it should be overly, you know, I'm such a great person. Denise has a hard on for you. So all we're looking to do is. We're just looking for a ceasefire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just saying like, hey, she went sideways.

[Hannah]

Yep, I can do that. Thanks so much for your time, you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, thank you for the call. Great story. 2025 is here and Mint Mobile has a resolution for you. Skip the gym. Skip the fad diets, Skip the BS resolutions you'll forget about by next month. Instead make a resolution to save some serious cash by making the switch to Min Mobile. And right now you can get half off their three month unlimited plan. It's time to leave your overpriced wireless plans jaw dropping monthly bills, unexpected overages and all their other BS in 2024. You can even bring your current phone and your number. You do not have to switch numbers, which I know a lot of people think about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Switch to Mint Mobile and customers can get half off the unlimited plan. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door free, go to mint mobile.com/here to help. That's mint mobile.com/here to Help. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. C Mint Mobile for details this episode.

[Jake Johnson]

Is brought to you by Quints.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a corduroy jacket from Quince. I have multiple shirts from Quince. I have one of those shirts from Quince that has like the three buttons up top. It's perfect. Show a little chest off, you know what I mean? Not too much. You're not giving it away. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quints.com here to help for free shipping on your order on 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N c e.com here to help to get free shipping, shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com here to help this episode is.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello. How are you?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Fantastic.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, I'm gonna go by Peyton for this call. P like pton Manning, Hayden Close enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. What is the one you're saying you want to go hate, like Hayden and.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, kind of, but with a P.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, is this a name?

[Jake Johnson]

You just making up words? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay. I mean, it's fine. Well, hold on. Just real quick. It's fine to make up a fake name on this show. That's totally okay, by the way.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

It is fully made up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But why?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

It is a name from one of my favorite podcasts.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

It doesn't happen to be yours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, whatever. Yeah. But also, next time, Jeff is fine. Go ahead, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep the intro made up name. I'm gonna go with Moolock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd like to be called Ishkirn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Payton, how old are you, sir?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

30.

[Jake Johnson]

30. And what's the podcast you like that you're telling us about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, what's your other lover?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

This will actually play into it a little bit. It's called Dungeons and Daddies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My nipples just got hard.

[Jake Johnson]

You're back, Peyton. Welcome back, Dungeons and Daddies. Sir. Sorry that we insulted your name, sire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Payton.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, my apologies. I'm nothing but a slob. So, please, sir. Peyton, will you tell us what the issue is today?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, my wife is, what I would say, an avid reader of smut books. The last year, she read probably over 150 books in total. And I can't necessarily say that that fully plays into our bedroom life, but one thing that has come up is that she wants to call me daddy in bed. And this makes me uncomfortable because I have a son who also likes to call me Daddy.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it, man. By the way, having kids changes the terms, doesn't it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I don't love it. Let's give her a name. Should we call her Pishtar?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Pishtar is good, but Beverly would be better in this scenario.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so Beverly we're calling it. So when you say smut books, what is. What are these books Beverly is reading? And how does she start? What's going on?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

It's exactly what you think it is. It's. It's very sexually heavy books.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I believe the main series is a Court of Thorn and Roses. That interesting most people start with, but, yeah, she's fully involved in it. She goes to book clubs for it, and all of her friends are into it, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Fun.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

So, yeah, it's good for her and it's. Yeah, you know, it's good for us, but I. I don't necessarily need to be called Daddy in bed.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so just to be clear, I.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Think you guys might Be able to help me.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we can too. But just to be clear. Slow down.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Coming up with a few different names.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Slow down, Daddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Come on.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Hey. I barely know you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we got. We got to take a step back before we get to pitching different names, but we will end up there. So she's into these smut books and it is good for you guys. So most of the thing, it has sparked some more fun in the bedroom. Things are going well. Is that correct?

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

How old's the kid? You got one or two kids?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

One kid. He's about to be three.

[Jake Johnson]

About to be three. Okay, great. So a three year old baby and you guys are still finding it. So God bless these books.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yep. I, I can give you that.

[Jake Johnson]

And so when did the nickname daddy start? Was there one before. Before these books? Did she call you something else?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trying to get a sense before your son too?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm trying to get a sense of who Beverly was in the sack before these books.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I. I think there's. That's kind of part of the problem is there's been nothing good before that either.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotcha.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

You know, I don't. I don't necessarily feel as if any name that normal people call me is. Is good to me.

[Jake Johnson]

So you don't like, you don't like nicknames?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I don't like my name necessarily being used or like generally names that other people in my life but are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. That was the problem initially was that your. This name was sort of something that your son calls you. That's what makes it weird if we found one that maybe wasn't before that.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, it was like even my normal name is. Is not. Are you necessarily my favorite thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you gonna be okay if we come up with another pitch for her to call you something? Or are you looking to get completely off the nickname train?

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

No, I'm, I'm a. Okay. Finding something else.

[Jake Johnson]

Give me. Give me a little taste of this though. When did daddy start?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Fairly. I. I want to say fairly recently, like within the last year.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

And it's something that, that she and her friends agree is. Is pretty hot. But to me, it just doesn't get the wheels turning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get it.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

And, and there's a certain point where I, I asked her to try it out because I could tell she was holding back and it just like she said she could say it in her head and, and all of that. But there's a point where she's holding back and that's not cool either.

[Jake Johnson]

So I hear what you're saying. You're a sensitive creature.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Unfettered son.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay, this is interesting.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

They're just looking for something neutral and natural. And here's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard because Daddy is a very. Daddy's a go to. And. But I think.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were alluding to the fact, Jake, that it does. When you have. Yeah. It kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

When you're called Daddy by a child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, it takes you out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you hear it, your first thought is, what can I get for you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and. And the. The. The. You know, look, I mean, you've got to be locked in. In order for all the mechanisms to be firing on all cylinders, you've got to remain locked in. And part of that is the head game. So you can't be sitting there doing the business, thinking about how Daddy is kind of bothering you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what we basically have to do is pitch some alts. But I also think I have a way to pitch him that's maybe not just. Maybe not the. The way to just sit her down and go, hey, Daddy's like an issue.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to hear my pitch on that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you should write a romance short for her that involves you two and maybe highlights that that name doesn't work for the character you're playing in for Peyton in the story. And then we come up with a banger pitch at the end.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, I actually think that would probably really do it for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make it erotic, too. It's an erotic story.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I'm. I'm really bad at conversation written down, but I think I could find some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you could even read one of her romance chapters where the. Yeah, you know, the pork. It starts and just feel like, you know, just kind of pain by numbers. It A little.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Pen, let me ask you a question about Beverly. So she's talking to her girlfriends. They're all saying, daddy's pretty hot. You can tell she's holding it back. You say, try it. It's really working for her. It's really not working for you. Is there a vibe that we can switch it to your last name? Like a Mr. Blank or even a Sir?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Because actually one of the. The top ones on there, and I've. I've had small conversations with my wife about this, but some of the other top ones are Mr. And sir and unfortunately. Yeah, well, they're. They get weirder too, like master and. And stuff like that.

[Jake Johnson]

But stop making that face so much. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just one Thing, Gareth, I'm not.

[Jake Johnson]

You made nine faces in three seconds. We all know you like to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Something happened to me. Something happens. I like it.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

If you need book recommendations, I have someone for you.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's where I think. Here's where I think we're going to. Because we could pitch the idea of writing something or getting out of it, but here's where I think the rubber is going to meet the road on this one. And tell me if I'm wrong. I think what she's looking for, you in the sack, in terms of a name, is a position of power, and I think that position of power is not what you're looking for.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I. I don't know if I fully agree with that. I agree with the statement on what she's looking for. I disagree with the statement on what I'm looking for, but the reason that sir and Mr. Is weird is because we actually use those for our son. And that happened before she started reading these books, too.

[Jake Johnson]

You call him Mr. Whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, and.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, and. And we call him sir pretty, you know, sarcastically, formally.

[Jake Johnson]

I got.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

So I got a question for you.

[Jake Johnson]

They're connected to this. Okay, so then let me go to you for a second as a man who loves D. D is a man who doesn't mind this position of power in the sexual dynamics. Now, it's not a comfortable question from man to man to ask each other this, but what do you find really sexy in your role in the sack? Like, if you were really giving it to your wife and she was doing great, and deep down you're like, I am a silverback. I am that man. I am an animal. What's your vision so bad? What's that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call me silverback.

[Jake Johnson]

Call me Coco, the gorilla from the yard. But what is that version to you? You know, what is something. What do you think is the. The epitome of a sexual man?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Well, I. I can't say that on. On any sort of circumstance for anyone else, but for us, we do definitely have one of those more dominant and submissive type relationships in bed.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's what you guys.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, and so there is a certain level of commanding that I have and submissiveness that she has. So those types of names would be okay. But the challenge that we've come across is the fact that I guess all of the normal ones are frequently used inside our household.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, okay, I understand. What about.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

So we might have to get a little creative.

[Jake Johnson]

Know when you play D and D, who's your favorite character to play?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I normally Play like different types of creatures. And that sounds weird because I'm. I'm No. Not even remotely involved in that type of sexual world. But I've only ever played a black panther and a little white fox.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little white what? Give it to me. Little white fox. Give it to me. A little white fox. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to get into the black panther. I'll find a little white fox.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just a little white.

[Jake Johnson]

So I don't feel comfortable with a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Little white fox about to finish here.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's the issue that I'm bumping against. You don't like role playing, but you don't like daddy, mister, sir, or master. So. And you've. It's gotta also work for her because we can't get too goofy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because then she'll be like, it's funny, but this is a joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Master. Master to me, like, there's something good about that one. But go ahead, keep going. I got a bunch.

[Jake Johnson]

What about something like Officer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why I was kind of trying to incorporate like some like she's costume.

[Jake Johnson]

But close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Professor. Like in charge. Leader.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Professor.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I kind of like professor. And I don't know why is it.

[Jake Johnson]

But no but here's what's up to you. You pitching things that you would be into. Try. And then the second thing is, is we got to get her on board too. But if she's liking the idea of this thing, you don't have to do a full role play that you pretend you're teaching a class and blah, blah, blah. But you could start with the idea of professor and see where it kind of start. And once you're in it, you're in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's just.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask for something to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think also. Right. If your dynamic while you're doing it is that you're kind of in the driver's seat, can you not just while you're doing it, kind of give her that correction in a dominant sort of way that maybe is a turn on as well.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

That was kind of the plan. I just needed to come. Like, that was ultimately my plan was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop calling me daddy. I'm the professor.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Type of.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Yeah.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

But it's needed to come up with a better name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I like the. The romance book idea too though. Like, both of those are very viable options, especially if I introduce it in a short story. And Peyton, I like what you're saying.

[Jake Johnson]

I like what you're saying a lot. So if you wrote something about a professor and the Student. And in the end of it, the sex act that they did was very much what you and your wife like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, how about the story, Right. Is almost ellipseed at the end by the sexual position. The professor takes her in. And as the story ends and she's finishing reading it, you immediately go and sort of start the real life version of it from where the story leaves off.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, I actually think this is kind of nice because then you are getting into the game that you're creating and it's really fun for her and you're doing it through the language. She likes these books. And in it, the character can have a certain disdain for the term Daddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And so she can be thinking it, which could be turning her on, but she knows she's not allowed to say it, which could be hotter for her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She. I think it does play in the dynamic. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But she's allowed to be thinking. I agree, but she is not allowed to say it.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

May I say what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you feel about that, Peyton?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I think that, honestly, might work really well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And how do you feel about writing this out? Do you feel like you can sink your teeth into this operation?

[Jake Johnson]

This show is so weird.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

That might be the more difficult side of it for me, but I think I could come up with something, especially, like you said, if I mirror it off of what she's been reading.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, if you started it with just like. If it was just like, whatever. Like something like it was a late night in at that night. You know, she'd been working hand in glove with him over the past couple weeks and their relationship had recently turned sexual. She was hoping it would happen again that night and then had started.

[Jake Johnson]

Or, Gareth, this is the first night. Or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, she was. But, yes, she was hoping it was.

[Jake Johnson]

Going to happen, but she felt, you know, her dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. As much as she wanted it to happen, she didn't know. I mean, the professor was married, whatever. Something like that. And then you could even start the sexual part of the fantasy and she says, daddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I agree. But also she had to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

She had to bring herself back to his office.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Late at night, something. And she heard something in the hallway and. Right. And then in the hallway, you make a sound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And then when it says, like, this is how I would end it. I would end it with like, he told her not to call him Daddy. He didn't like that. He was a professor. That was the name. And then you sort of go like, you know, he started to kiss her. Or he immediate. You know, whatever it is. And then you start doing that last part and that's when the story ends and the actual sex begins. The family.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, I honestly think that would work really well too.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it'd be really nice. And then can you do us a favor? After you've. No, after you've written it, can you record it as a voice note and send it to us so we can play it at the end of this with just you reading it from top to bottom? And that could be the button of this little episode.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, I can give that a go.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. And then will you follow up with us, please?

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yes, well, certainly.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is going to work, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I do too. I think it's a good. It's a good way into her wheelhouse to give this little nudge.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's going to lead to a really fun period and probably baby number two for you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just don't call it the Professor.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

But you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Listen man, we appreciate the call and truly, when you're done, just record yourself saying it and sending it. I think it'd be a really fun ending for everyone to then be able to hear the call leading up to that, you know, hearing. Being able to hear the book from you. Then the end. I think it'd be fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Yeah.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, my man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, good luck.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate that.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Thanks, buddy. Thank you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Bye.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

I want to call you Daddy. The last word came out as a whisper as she looked away from him. He froze for a moment, his gaze darkening as her words hung in the air. Slowly, his lips curled into a faint, knowing smile, one that sent a shiver down her spine. Daddy. He repeated, the word, rolling off his tongue as if testing its weight. His other hand came to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer. Is that what you've been holding back? The thing you couldn't say? She nodded, unable to meet his eyes. He exhaled a low, shamed sigh, leaning in so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear. That's cute, he grumbled, his voice dripping with authority. But that's not what you'll call me. She gasped softly as his hand tightened on her waist, his warmth intensifying against her skin. You'll call me Professor?

[Hannah]

Hey everyone, this is producer Natalie here. Just wanted to let you know that the next follow up is from episode 121, Very Important Pigs with Steve Berg, in case you want to go back and listen to that one again.

[Jake Johnson]

Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Alma makes it simple to find a therapist Instead of spending hours browsing online forums or watching videos with impersonal advice, Alma's directory makes it easy to find a therapist who meets your specific needs. Believe it or not, probably easy for all these listeners to believe. I am a man who has benefited greatly from therapy, and Alma has made it easy for me to find therapists in my network. They have taken the guessing game away and the pain in the butt away. I am a big believer in therapy and Alma has been a big help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go to Alma. It makes the sessions easy, affordable. You could find someone quickly, someone who fits all the box you're trying to check, whether it's gender or race or their therapeutic approach, whatever it is. And you'll know the cost of your session upfront using Alma's cost Estimator tool. Better people, better with Alma. Visit hello Alma.com heretohelp to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's hello a l m a.com hereto help. Go get them.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by booking.com booking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, listen. Every time I use booking.com to find a place to stay, I know they have exactly what I'm looking for. They have a huge variety of options, from hotels to vacation rentals. Always feel very secure. Then I'm going to find what I'm looking for. Booking.com has something for everybody. I recently was doing a run of shows in Northern California and found out maybe like three days before that I had to book my own hotels. And so I go to booking.com very quickly, find places not only close to the venue, but places that just had things around there. Makes your life easy. All the box I'm trying to check, will they accept a van, Will they have a luggage cart? Or do I have to have just. Everything is very easy to do with Booking.com. so no matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find a stay that is ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com booking. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We all know what Squarespace is here on. We're here to help. We have built many websites for the callers of this show and everybody has come back with the same feedback that Squarespace is the easiest place to build a website and you can create great, beautiful sites.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My website is Squarespace and I love it. I've used Squarespace for I don't even know how long, like almost 10 years, I would guess. They give you an ability to offer payments, it's the easiest way. You've got simple, fast onboarding. It really just doesn't even take that much time. Your social media accounts, like I literally, at the end of every one of my shows, I tell people to go to my Squarespace website and follow me on social media media. Squarespace makes it real easy invoicing you can sell your content truly just. You cannot exist in the world today without a website. And Squarespace is by far the best place to do that. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, go do it. Join Squarespace. Hello.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Hi there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome back to the show. Can we get your name and what the problem was you called with. And we'll see if we can even remember what we told you to do.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Of course. My name's Matthew Cheeseman. I'm a friend of Mikey who called in maybe September, October, and we had the giant inflatable pig. Yeah, we're looking for a way to monetize it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I remember this. You guys had a house, you bought a bunch of these big animals you could blow air to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a big gorilla, like big inflatable. You gotta. Yeah, hugely inflatable.

[Jake Johnson]

Throwing a vip.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Yeah, exactly. That was your recommendation. Which was a great recommendation. So two 35 foot tall gorillas and one 25 foot tall pick.

[Jake Johnson]

And what, what kind of damage did you guys pay for this? It was around 10, 000 bucks, right? Something like that.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

That was, that was the price for 15 of them from this crazy guy out in Nanaimo, which off of Vancouver. And we, we negotiated for three of them and brought a case of cash over to them.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. So you got three for ten grand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

We negotiated, we negotiated for fewer of them for the same cause we, we, we ended up three for 3,000.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good deal. So, so you were throwing parties and we basically said turn the inside because you can get into them. Yeah, turn the inside into sort of a VIP experience. Charge a little money for that. And, and yeah. So, so what happened? So what's the update?

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Well, we took your idea and, and we've run with it in a couple different directions. We have had a couple of success stories. I want to go, I want to go over the successes of the inflatable. Since we last spoke in the newspaper, we've had a couple hits. We had an exciting double feature around Halloween.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh yeah, can you send us slow News.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Absolutely. It's.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

It's a small local, I would imagine, the New York Times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it was.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

It was a small local paper, but we set up the Gorilla for Halloween for, like, a kids party. And then we set up the pig for a solar festival around Halloween. So we got in the October edition. And then also around Halloween, we put out an ad. Very inspired by your guys's pitch. And I think the best response was a guy over Facebook that was willing to drop, I'm gonna say, about $500 for, like, two weeks of renting these things and us going and setting it up and all that, because he wanted to win a $10 gift card that a street gives out for a decorations contest among all the neighbors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy's doing well financially. Okay.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Yeah, he's doing really well financially. That's kind of our target demographic. And then the date to really put in your calendars where I think we put the VIPIG experience into motion is March 1st. And the reason is it's twofold. First is that that's International Pig Day. And secondly, we figure you're then 15 days out from. From Valentine's Day. Single people, they're. They're back on the horse. They're. They've got their motivation again. And so we're thinking it's like a mixer experience in the. In the pig, where maybe you've got sort of anonymous submissions. If you and another person both agree, then you can maybe make your way into the pig for a more private.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's. Also.

[Jake Johnson]

You go together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's enjoy the fact that outside of this call hearing, maybe you go inside the pig for a mixer. Wouldn't make a lot of sense. But. But in.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about.

[Jake Johnson]

How about that makes total get together and start their relationship in the pig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I was going to say. A little like, we're going for.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

We're looking for, like, wedding toasts that we're eventually delivering, I think, where we put these people together.

[Jake Johnson]

When I was inside of that pig kissing you, I knew you were the one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? You do a singles mixer inside the pig, and then if two people hit it off, they can pay $20 to go have a half hour in the VI Pig.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Right?

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Perfect. Perfect. So I think the mixer is happening sort of, because I will say it's not an enormous space in there. The mix, like, around the pig. And then if. If it's indicated by both parties that there's interest, then, yeah, they get the. The VI pig experience where they go inside the blowers. You Know, making a bunch of noise so the. The outside party maybe isn't hearing what's happening in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Blower's always making a lot of.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Say that.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't say that ruins the romance.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Making a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

I was about to pitch that in. You know what we could tap into here, Matthew, is that in the pig, there's a great photo you could take of people kissing. One of your. One of you guys's job could be to hold one of their phones so that they have like the insta snap that it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like the angel wings where.

[Jake Johnson]

The wind is going in the pig go in here for five bucks, you get your picture. But it's a great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We call it the picture.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you call it the picture.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

The picture.

[Jake Johnson]

The picture is like, I like a.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Kind of a quick cash at a festival situation.

[Jake Johnson]

And rather than making it exclusive, everybody can go. But there is a line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

And you don't let people in there. So if there's no line, you make people wait. So it feels like there's a line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good too.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

It's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like when Busters put. You got the swine line for the picture.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Okay, great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we've got.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

We've got the picture Slime light. We have the original VIPIG experience.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

You guys are giving us a lot to work with.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you guys are doing good work. You guys are building it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the $3,000 on a couple pigs. So, you know.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It sounds like you're talking about our Las Vegas trip, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, we're here to help. We'll be right back.

[Jake Johnson]

That was 1957. I spent $3,000 on a couple of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pigs and a couple of pigs. I was a big.

[Jake Johnson]

It was disgusting. I was. And so were the pigs. So this is a. This is a great big win. And there's going to be another one after March. When you call back, will you send us. We can t. We can put it on. We don't have to see it now, but we'll connect the newspaper clippings and if you make an advertisement for March 1st, let us know. And then maybe we can get some of those posted pictures and put those on, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we could definitely put it on the socials and help.

[Jake Johnson]

I think so, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Help a little bit. You know, you guys are your heroes for that.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

We really appreciate all the support. Yeah, well, I'll. I'll send you all our various advertisements.

[Jake Johnson]

And then keep up the good work. You guys seem to be Doing really important stuff out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. I can't imagine Canada surviving without you people out there. So keep us posted.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Mostly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they very well could be. Keep us posted. And again, congratulations.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Thanks so much.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Yeah.

[Matthew Cheeseman]

Have a great day, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You too.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Bye. I should ring the bell on that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Now it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now it's over now. Now the call's over.

[Jake Johnson]

I would say a lot of these follow ups have been recently our. What do you think our numbers are for real, Gareth? And don't think what you did last time, Jake. Where are we really at percentage wise?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I don't think it's even an opinion piece. I think we are. I don't want to rock it, but I think we're at 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

We've been hitting pretty hardly. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Jake Johnson]

75%?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we're at 100. I don't think we've missed.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I think the people we've missed with haven't followed up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they don't count their dead.

[Jake Johnson]

But I mean this seriously. What do you actually think our number is? Because, you know, we're not at 100, but we are also not at like 40 or 30 anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think 85.

[Jake Johnson]

I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is my conservative.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Jesse, I know you're new to the show, but what do you think the hit rate is of actually helping people? And the help can be small.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So far this season it's. It's 100 of the people.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Season two has been 100.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People are enthusiastic. They're really taking your words to heart.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, we're here to see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We told them we were going to leave them and they got scared. And now nobody will tell us we failed them, which I love. I love creating that environment of fear.

[Jake Johnson]

We've created a dysfunct, functional relationship. We're gonna go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have the power. So it's fine for us.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. It's working right now. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] to see our entire catalog.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and.

[Rob Wobby Wob]

Master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Hannah]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelppod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the so True podcast now on Headgum.

[Jake Johnson]

Every week me and my guests get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Into it and we get down to what's really going on. I asked them what's so true to.

[Jake Johnson]

Them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not test their general trivia knowledge.

[Jake Johnson]

Whether it's one of my sworn enemies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like Brittany Broski or Drew A. Fualo, or my actual biological mother Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth and if we find it, great.

[Jake Johnson]

And if not, no worries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So subscribe to so True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch video episodes on the so True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.