173: Boyfriend Doodies & Pro Boner Advice (with Jameela Jamil)

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 173: Boyfriend Doodies & Pro Boner Advice (with Jameela Jamil)

Release Date: May 21, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Jameela Jamil (Host of Wrong Turns)

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1. Welcoming the Guest: Jameela Jamil [02:20 – 04:35]

The episode kicks off with the hosts introducing their special guest, Jameela Jamil, known for her podcast Wrong Turns. Jameela shares her experiences from the show, emphasizing its focus on celebrating life's missteps without forced optimism.

Notable Quote:
"I just feel as though I've overdosed on optimism from the Internet and how every terrible thing that happens to everyone has to have a fucking positive outcome." – Jameela Jamil [04:20]

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2. Exploring Wrong Turns and Dark Humor [04:35 – 10:10]

Jameela delves deeper into the premise of Wrong Turns, highlighting stories where individuals faced significant embarrassments or failures without any silver linings. The conversation takes a humorous turn as Jameela and the hosts joke about unconventional beauty routines, including Jameela's quirky method involving salmon sperm facials.

Notable Interaction:
Jameela humorously describes her unique skincare routine:
"I buy it, I bring it back here. I have a tank. And then I have a separator." – Gareth Reynolds [02:26]
"Why do you put salmon sperm on your face?" – Jake Johnson [04:29]

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3. Analyzing Odd Relationship Behaviors [10:10 – 27:38]

The discussion shifts to relationship dynamics, particularly focusing on a peculiar behavior where a professional hockey player leaves unexpectedly large turds in his girlfriend Jocelyn's shower. The hosts, along with Jameela, analyze this odd habit, speculating on possible reasons ranging from health issues like IBS to intentional acts of territorial marking.

Notable Quote:
"Sometimes we're just soaked in humiliation. This is a podcast for those people." – Jameela Jamil [04:20]

Notable Interaction:
Gareth and Jake mockingly adopt detective personas, attempting to solve the "mystery" of the boyfriend's unusual behavior, drawing parallels to the crime documentary First 48.

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4. Listener Call-In: Jenna's Dilemma [36:01 – 58:38]

The episode features a call from Jenna, a nurse working in reproductive health, who shares her struggle with male friends seeking her medical advice about sensitive issues like bumps and discharges on their genitalia. Jenna finds herself overwhelmed as her expertise is taken advantage of, impacting her personal life.

Key Points Discussed:

• Jenna's friends view her as their personal medical resource, leading to incessant and intrusive inquiries.
• The hosts suggest various strategies to set boundaries, including professionalizing her advice through services like Venmo or redirecting friends to professional healthcare providers.
• Jameela encourages Jenna to assert her self-worth and value her time, proposing assertive yet humorous solutions to manage the influx of requests.

Notable Quote:
"My Google searches have been so crazy that one time I panicked and threw my laptop in the River Thames in London." – Jameela Jamil [10:29]

Notable Advice Pitch:
"Start charging for this service. How about $49.99 for advice on these issues?" – Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds [51:25]

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5. Humorous Advice and Pitches [58:38 – 63:20]

The hosts continue to offer over-the-top, comedic advice to Jenna's predicament, blending mock seriousness with irreverent humor. Suggestions range from setting up payment systems for medical advice to public shaming via Venmo requests. The banter remains light-hearted, showcasing the hosts' chemistry and comedic timing.

Notable Interaction:
Jameela remarks on Jenna's growth and empowerment through the discussion, while Jake and Gareth brainstorm increasingly absurd solutions to Jenna's issue.

Notable Quote:
"If you have issues with managing your boundaries, that's what's got you in this mess." – Jameela Jamil [52:38]

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6. Episode Wrap-Up and Final Banter [63:20 – 65:14]

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts briefly touch upon upcoming segments and promote their own podcast ventures. The final moments are filled with playful teasing and humorous exchanges, maintaining the episode’s entertaining tone.

Notable Interaction:
The hosts segue into promoting another podcast, Here to Make Friends, keeping the energy upbeat and engaging until the very end.

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Key Takeaways:

• Embracing Imperfection: Jameela Jamil's Wrong Turns celebrates life's failures without forcing positivity, resonating with listeners who appreciate authentic storytelling.
• Setting Boundaries: Jenna's story underscores the importance of setting personal and professional boundaries, especially when expertise is being exploited.
• Humor in Advice: The hosts employ humor to address serious issues, making the content both entertaining and relatable.

Notable Quotes:

• "I just feel as though I've overdosed on optimism from the Internet." – Jameela Jamil [04:20]
• "Everybody shut up." – Jake Johnson [16:48]
• "You can't have your cake and eat it too." – Jake Johnson [33:45]

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For those who haven't listened to this episode:
Episode 173 offers a blend of dark humor, heartfelt discussions, and unconventional advice, all anchored by the dynamic interaction between Jake, Gareth, and their guest Jameela Jamil. Whether you're navigating odd relationship behaviors or setting boundaries in your professional life, this episode provides both laughs and insights.

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Interested in more?
To listen to We're Here to Help and join the conversation, visit [e-mail] to send in your questions or check out video episodes on their Patreon page.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jake. It is to us. Gemini was an American gladiator, but not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own.

[Jake Johnson]

But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to help, and if you want a little extra help, you, Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through Spring Finals 2026. So, Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's sometimes, like, if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes, like if I'm writing something for my their show. It's just like a way to kind of have something info. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, okay, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Me, it looks delicious.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Jamila Jamil]

What'S going on with your skin, Gareth? Have you done some sort of salmon sperm facial? Why do you look so amazing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've had a salmon. Come on.

[Jamila Jamil]

Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. Do you just wank it off in the supermarket?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I buy it, I bring it back here. I have a tank. Where? And then I have a separator. I don't want to get into it. But I have separate.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just in it. Let's get started. We've already started. We were just talking about your show. Jamila, you're. We're. You're with us here. Wrong Turns. And we were talking about how fun it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so it was such a fun time.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes, it was. I think it was one of my favorite hours of my life. Genuinely. It was the most fun. You three are absolutely hysterical.

[Jake Johnson]

An absolute maniac.

[Jamila Jamil]

He's a monster. Yeah, I love him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a large force.

[Jake Johnson]

When he gets cooked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When he's cooking, it really, you do have to step out of the way.

[Jamila Jamil]

I can't remember what I said, but I took him to a place that was so filthy in that hour that he was stunned by me at one point, and I felt like I'd really achieved something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's good. That's a very good.

[Jamila Jamil]

I feel like you've got a high bar for shock. And I. I made it. I. I live to find the line.

[Jake Johnson]

So your show is Wrong Turns.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's called Wrong Turns. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's. People tell stories that they've had a wrong turn in life.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes, they do. They. It. It's. It's basically. It's celebrating all of life's big clusterfucks and. And especially the one inspiring afterthought. No pearls of wisdom. There's no. There's nothing gained. There's no silver linings. I. I just feel. I feel as though I've overdosed on optimism from the Internet and how every terrible thing that happens to everyone has to have a fucking positive outcome. And so much of the time, it doesn't fucking end that way for most of us, all right? Sometimes we're just soaked in humiliation. Sperm. And so this is. This is a podcast for those people. Yeah, exactly. That's why Gareth is glowing.

[Jake Johnson]

Is this what it is they're saying you're putting. I didn't want to miss it. That's why I jump him. But I didn't want to end it. You're saying you put salmon sperm on your face?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

He doesn't. He doesn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't get it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

He doesn't do it in a clinic like the other. The people on TikTok. He. No, he just wanks off a fish in a supermarket, you know, and not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of people know that salmon sperm swims against the. The pee hole actually comes out the mouth. It's very. It's a whole ecosystem. Nobody's ever thought of it.

[Jake Johnson]

So the salmon alive or dead, if you're waking them off in a supermarke when I'm done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll be right back.

[Jamila Jamil]

Jesus Christ.

[Jake Johnson]

You wank them off to death in a supermarket?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. Like I said, I come home, I have a tank, and then it separates naturally.

[Jamila Jamil]

Term relationship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, you don't want to.

[Jake Johnson]

How much fish you got in that tank?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got six salmon right now, but. But two to full ejaculate.

[Jamila Jamil]

Isn't it amazing that people are actually injecting salmon sperm into.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know that was actually a thing.

[Jamila Jamil]

People thought I was hitting on you or something. Yeah, I.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I. I thought you just pitched a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it was a good pitch.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, no, no, no, it's real. It's real. It's. Someone did pitch it in. A pitch. How do you figure out that that works exactly? This is how I feel.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an idea.

[Jamila Jamil]

The flavor of vanilla and raspberry and strawberry, which often, when they say natural flavorings, the flavor comes from a gland next to a beaver's anus. How the fuck.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on. Say that again.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay, there's a gland.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you do that one more time for me?

[Jamila Jamil]

There's a gland next to a beaver's anus. I spent a lot of time on my own. Okay, guys. This sort of thing. There's a gland next to a beaver's anus, and some of the flavorings that come out of it taste a whole lot like raspberry, strawberry and vanilla. So sometimes when you're eating things that are flavored as that.

[Jake Johnson]

Fact check. Hold on, hold on. Sherlock, Sherlock. Will you fact check this?

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm gonna find out trouble if this is.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's the beauty of the Internet, Jamila. I am not positive that the anal gland of the beaver when. When squeezed out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

T.

[Jake Johnson]

This is true. You are an amazing human. This is not. You gotta admit, that is too far of a lie because you almost had me going, like, amazing. We have the Internet, Jamila.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wait, has anyone googled it?

[Jake Johnson]

Sherlock? Are you doing it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, sorry. I'm going down the rabbit hole. Yeah, the beaver hole. The beaver hole. I don't know. It seems pretty real. There's a lot. Oh, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A history of Flavoring Food with Beaver Butt juice.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, first of all, I want to say.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry. I was wrong. You are right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

Did not see this ending this way.

[Jamila Jamil]

Kind of a right turn, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

This is a right turn.

[Jamila Jamil]

What a time to molest a beaver. Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Holy cow. So you're right. So somebody was eating the beavers out ass and went like, don't tell anybody. And then went like.

[Jamila Jamil]

That tastes delish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Andy, would you take a look at this?

[Jake Johnson]

That tastes like strawberry. Yeah. And then. Then they all thought it was one magic beaver. They're like, no, it's that one. And then it died. And they're all like, no, no. And they're like, oh, one of its kids. Wait till. Oh, my God, it's got another.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, God. We're all. You're gonna get me cancelled before my podcast even comes out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Here's my question for you, though, really fast. We all have.

[Jamila Jamil]

Well, the beaver community is big online. Okay, go on.

[Jake Johnson]

It is.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know. You know who's a big community online is the people who don't. Okay, So I. I tweeted a few years ago, back when I was still tweeting against my better judgment and the health of my publicist, that the Met gala without Rihanna is like sex without an orgasm. And the people who don't or can't have orgasm community, huge online, really came for me. Said I was dismissing their experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They finally came.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, there's a big community of people who just can't have orgasms?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, they can't have orgasms for some reason and, you know, no shade to those people, but they are a big angry mob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They've got a lot of energy.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's really funny that people who can't come are really angry.

[Jamila Jamil]

I know. It's really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think everyone.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think that's everyone 100%. I think that's everyone online. I think that's everyone who says a mean thing. Anyone who writes a nasty Yelp review, it's always someone who has forgotten to masturbate that day. And in my head, I'm just imagining them just like, fucking bursting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Definitely not Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, the non Jakes of the world.

[Jake Johnson]

How do you think Garrett's face gets so glistening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please, Jake, hurry.

[Jake Johnson]

One thing I promise you, he doesn't have any salmon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake and I are in the same house right now.

[Jake Johnson]

I always look tired and he always shines.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Jake's empty and I'm loaded.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the fountain of youth. You keep getting younger, I keep getting older. And I'm like, what's happening here? You're like, no, it's a good deal, mister. It's a good deal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just give me the feed again.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, your dick is the painting in, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, there's a little area near your asshole that tastes just like strawberries. Have you ever noticed that?

[Jake Johnson]

Can you imagine pitching that to somebody? So I want you to eat my asshole, but not for the reasons you think.

[Jamila Jamil]

But beware of natural flavorings, all right? Because you have no idea what the fuck.

[Jake Johnson]

But here was the question I wanted to ask before, if you don't mind, and then we'll get to a call very soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We've all gone down wild roads on the Internet. I've never gone down that road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No?

[Jake Johnson]

How did you start it? What were you thinking? What were you doing?

[Jamila Jamil]

I lived there, Jake. That's the road I live on. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You have a wild.

[Jamila Jamil]

Google swear. All my mail that. You know what? My Google searches have been so crazy that one time I panicked and threw my laptop in the River Thames in London.

[Jake Johnson]

What? I can't believe this is true.

[Jamila Jamil]

In the cloud, you know, I didn't know this. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cloud, meet river.

[Jamila Jamil]

But, yeah, there's a. There is a MacBook, like, 13 Pro or something in.

[Jenna]

In the.

[Jamila Jamil]

In the River Thames at the bottom, by the Embankment bridge.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, I have to. So you're looking at the Internet. You're Googling.

[Jamila Jamil]

Because I was doing. I was making a documentary about porn, and so I was having to research. Porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake is studying for his documentary.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Curly hair, ginger beard.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, exactly. And I. I saw things that I think I just wasn't supposed to see, and I was like, what if I. I die and then people find this, and I don't. I don't believe in Delete Hill history. You know, I don't think it really means anything.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it doesn't.

[Jamila Jamil]

From the police.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course it is, because watch it on the detective shows, which, in another life, I was a homicide detective in. Is. That's not about this moment, though. But we got to. Yes. They can't. Okay, let's take a call. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy, that was awesome, Jake. In another life, I was. Yeah. We got to go. All right, let's roll.

[Jake Johnson]

That's every first date.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every first date.

[Jake Johnson]

That was my dating experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's do.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the one and only Squarespace. Let me put it like this to the audience, and they know we've got a lot of comments saying. Let me guess, your show's sponsored by Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is, by the by.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by Hungry Root. Hungry Root is something that we use in our house. It's like having a personal shopper and nutritionalist all wrapped into one. Hungry Root takes care of the weekly grocery shopping, recommends healthy groceries and meals tailored to your taste, your nutritional preferences and your health goals. I am a dairy free individual and so Hungry Root makes that very easy for me. I love Hungry Root.

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Summer is just around the corner and the folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take. Gareth, a hot take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only and then full price plan options available, taxes and extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you guys doing?

[Jamila Jamil]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doing great. We're just. Jake was in the momentum of talking about how he could be a detective in New Orleans in another life. And our producer Sherlock told us, get going.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, this body. This body been here for about 30 hour stop. And the beginning. If you don't solve a case in the first 48, you ain't got a case.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

You got 48 hour Jake.

[Courtney]

You really do have 48 hours.

[Jake Johnson]

48 you ain't going to get. Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're enabling. No. Everybody shut up.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, baby girl. Tell me your name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Honey. Honey. And where the hell were you 30 hours ago? And why you looking so good in that denim?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about?

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay, when you watch too much pornhub at the same time as CSI.

[Jake Johnson]

No. 48 hours. Yeah, this is the first 48.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, you can hear we have a guest. You have Jake and I, but you obviously Have a great guest too. We have the great Jamila Jamil is joining us for this episode to help guest helper.

[Jake Johnson]

She's back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. Courtney, Courtney, listen to me. Courtney, don't this.

[Courtney]

I'm listening.

[Jenna]

I'm here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I know.

[Courtney]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no. Don't get. Don't you get. Don't you get her in her head. Hey, Courtney, did you know that beaver's butts taste like strawberry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Courtney, what's going on? What can we help you with today?

[Courtney]

So I'm an active listener of the show, so I'm actually calling on behalf of a friend because she is not. But her problem is right in your area of expertise. So I felt like it needed to be told.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, this is a first.

[Courtney]

It actually is about the anus, so that goes crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Courtney, guys, Courtney, I think we may have lost your friend. Does she know to stay on the. In the waiting room?

[Courtney]

She actually had to get off because she is bad at time management. So she told me to just go ahead and kind of like solve this out for her and she will take the advice as it comes.

[Jake Johnson]

Got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, let's see how to get off. Yeah, let's. This is highly unorthodox.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I know, it's really weird. And I told her that she should definitely stay on, but she was like, I have to go. And I said, okay, well, I'm just gonna do it then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, what. What is your friend? What? What should we call your friend so.

[Courtney]

We can call her Jocelyn? She gave me the okay to use her name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, what's going on with Jocelyn?

[Courtney]

So Jocelyn is dating this guy. He is a professional hockey player and he is super emotionally unavailable and kind of a big baby. But the that he has been leaving these deer sized turds in her shower when he spends the night. So like she'll go into the bathroom the next morning after he's been there and spent the night and find like these little pebble sized turds like in the drain.

[Jake Johnson]

That's insane.

[Courtney]

So it happened once and she brought it up and said that this is pretty crazy. Like, what is this? Because she actually ended up touching it first because she thought it was one of the like gel Gatorade tablets that you eat because he eats a bunch. I was like, I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I understand touching it, but confusing it for Gatorade is even a gel is off. Okay. It's crazy, right?

[Courtney]

So she found it the first time, mentioned it to him kind of, and he just like played as though he didn't know what she was talking about. But now it's happened again and she wants to, like, get out of the situation entirely, but not before addressing the shit in the shower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She wants to exit this relationship or whatever we call it and. But find out why before she leaves. Why he's deer pooping in the shower, Is that right?

[Jamila Jamil]

That is the question. I just need to start immediately with the fact that, you know, I'm not familiar with the turd of the deer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's shocking too.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it?

[Jamila Jamil]

I know. It's really just the beaver that I focus on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Jamila Jamil]

But. But did you say like tiny pebble size poo? Sort of like a rabbit? So do they have just tiny little. Why are they. I would imagine they would be doing like logs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, same. Probably their diet.

[Courtney]

Probably the diet. Not enough hydration. Who knows?

[Jake Johnson]

And I wouldn't call it a negative thing, Courtney. I think they got a pretty good diet. They've been around for a long time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very rabbity. I'm looking at it now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think it's. They. They're eating a lot of grass. I think they got a pretty smooth digestive tract that just pops out little marbles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think the reason why you probably didn't say rabbit, because it's similar sizes. Deer. Rabbit looks very grainy. The deer one, from what I'm seeing without getting too in the weeds, looks very reminiscent of regular feces, but just shaped corny.

[Jake Johnson]

Just to get us on track a little bit here because this is actually. I was a little disappointed at the beginning. I don't like the idea of secondhand. Your friend Jocelyn, I want to tell you, Jocelyn, because I know you're listening. I know you're not busy, you got nervous and. And I'm not into that, Jocelyn. So first of all, we're gonna need a follow up with you. You're gonna have to call back and you are gonna get scolded.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's on the show list.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But part of this show.

[Courtney]

Oh, perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

But part of this show, Jocelyn, as you know, there are scoldings and you got to get scolded because this is your problem and you came onto this goddamn community and you ran. So, Courtney, thank you for doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But basically what we got here is we got a professional hockey player. And Courtney, do not take Jocelyn's back. Take our back. What team does he play for?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Courtney]

I actually don't know the answer to that.

[Jake Johnson]

Do Courtney, if you know the man shits in a shower, you know what color jersey he puts.

[Courtney]

I Want to say it's blue, but I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. You really don't know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yeah. Jake's just trying to solve this in the first 48 hours, otherwise the case falls apart.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. And sometimes you gotta go. You gotta go hard in that investigation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. You really do.

[Courtney]

Or you'll lose it.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you'll lose. So you watch First 48 too?

[Courtney]

I do, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

It's an awesome show.

[Jamila Jamil]

Courtney, did you say that this man is emotionally unavailable and he's in her shower? Yes.

[Courtney]

That's the crazy part. To me, I was like, why are we not putting apart extraordinary?

[Jamila Jamil]

That's a leader, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

That's a leader. That's a leader amongst.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a hockey player. He's probably got a good. He's probably got a good body. Probably knows what to do with it. He can handle himself on skates. So I'm sure in the bedroom she's like, I'm not disappointed in the way he's sliding around in here. The problem is, is he's got something going on, either as a power play or his body's all sorts of jacked up and he just takes dumps in the shower and he doesn't even know what he's doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gotta be.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Courtney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[Courtney]

He is not. He is like a social drinker. He's not an alcoholic or anything.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, it's just. This is ibs, I think. I think it's very clear. This is. I think this is. But I do think there is a revenge poo element of it. It feels too deliberate, the fact that it's not in the toilet. She's gone. A toilet? She owns a toilet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, yes. I'm going to answer for.

[Courtney]

That's right next to this shower, for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's the problem. That's very confusing.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But Jamila, the real question there was, does she own a toilet but she's got a shower?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, that was one of my questions. I just wanted to know, like, you know, I wanted to make sure this young man had options, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

You ever been with a guy and he doesn't have a toilet?

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm from Pakistan. You know, it's beyond the realms of possibility, but I think I'll keep my mouth quiet.

[Jake Johnson]

You still.

[Jamila Jamil]

So I. I think I'm. I think I'm also. I find it very funny that she. That he's still around. Like, it would be very easy to get rid of this man because he's so emotionally unavailable. Can you explain more about how he's emotionally unavailable. It's extraordinary. I really. I'm really amazed by this man.

[Courtney]

Yes. So he's emotionally unavailable in the way where he's like, not really trying to commit, despite the fact that Jocelyn is providing all of the girlfriend duties, but without the girlfriend title. I mean, she's beyond the poop in the shower.

[Jamila Jamil]

She's doing a forensic and even cleaned.

[Courtney]

It out, so she had to.

[Jake Johnson]

What she going to do? Wait till he comes back in town? That's an behavior. So, Courtney, what is girls, girl. What does girlfriend duties mean?

[Jamila Jamil]

He's done boyfriend duties.

[Courtney]

Oh, yes. So the girlfriend duties.

[Jake Johnson]

I love how bad you were holding in the laugh on that one. But you got it out like a goddamn perfect. You got it perfectly. So what does that even mean, Courtney? What does Jocelyn do? Just have sex with him, cooking for.

[Courtney]

Him, cleaning up, inviting him over, like introducing him to her kids? You know she's got children, but yes.

[Jake Johnson]

How old are her kids? Yeah, you tell this Jocelyn to get on the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is her problem?

[Jake Johnson]

Text her. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Courtney, she just jumped off because she didn't want to be on the call, right? It wasn't because she had something to do.

[Jamila Jamil]

Listen, guys, she jumped off because she had sex with this man again after the first time he took a. In her shower. That's why she humiliated. She should. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, that's fair.

[Jake Johnson]

Courtney, will you text her right now? Say Jake's getting a little bit hot and he's ruining the vibe. Any chance you could hop on?

[Courtney]

I absolutely that right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Say Jamila is very disappointed. Say, Gareth seems fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Gareth pretty steady.

[Jake Johnson]

He seems steady. It doesn't seem to be triggering him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's trying to figure it out.

[Jake Johnson]

He's fine. He's ready to pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He seems okay.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know why she continued to see him after the first time?

[Jake Johnson]

She likes him.

[Courtney]

The bedroom activities were fulfilling.

[Jake Johnson]

I told you. That's what I said. That's what I said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're dead. You were right.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, this is very obvious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The real question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It must be that good to come back around.

[Jake Johnson]

Before I was married, I used to in every woman's shower. And they. I kept going back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think they did.

[Jake Johnson]

Also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What also? No.

[Jake Johnson]

As long as when you leave the bedroom, she's laying there just going like. Like looking up in space. You get right in the shower, you do what you got to do and then you leave and you go, sorry for the mess. And she goes in my pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It actually does raise A very strange question about the chronology of what's happening in there. Because he must be deer pooping at the end of the shower. Because if he were to be doing it during the shower, the water would break it up. The water would break it up.

[Jake Johnson]

Unless there's more in the water.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's ceremonial, isn't it? It's ceremonial ceremony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There is. Is I. My, my. If we're trying to get inside the head of a killer, I'm gonna say that he is doing this in some way for status.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is that. This is like a burglar who takes dumps in the toilet and doesn't flush.

[Courtney]

Yes, yes, that's what I said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crap burglar.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. He's saying I was here. He's marking his territory in a new and innovative way. Also by saying he does like her. I think they have a future.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

He likes to be the speech at their wedding. I knew that my boy Troy was in love when he took rabid poos in her shower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He kept deer crab.

[Jamila Jamil]

Do you think he's shitting, like, sort of where he's standing, or do you think he's making a concerted effort to squat over the drain to then release the pebbles?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it has to be aimed over the drain. It's a drain aim.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because otherwise there would be a sloppier situation. But he is aiming.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, hold on. Think he can control these little deer pellets coming out? You can't determine the size of pellet he has.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is. He is like Hershey's kiss machine. He is being very careful. He's dropping a baby and. And then he's leaving. And I guess he's maybe look again. I mean, we're talking about. We walked in on bloody walls and a severed head. I can't get inside what he's actually.

[Jake Johnson]

Thinking, but seen worse.

[Jamila Jamil]

New theory unlocked. Okay. Something's not adding up. So they're having a whale of a time in the bedroom. We haven't been given details as to why this man is so, you know, such a hoot, such a riot in the bedroom. And then he's doing very, like, strangely tiny pose for such a large, strong man. Yeah, I think.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Significant anal bead play. That's what's happening here. And I think it's slicing up the pooh, and I think it's creating tiny, like, bead pellets. And that's what's happening. And that's why after sex, he's going into the toilet. He's a Victim.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. You went so fast, so hard in such opposite directions.

[Jamila Jamil]

I know I'm confused by myself, but I'm just saying.

[Jake Johnson]

But I hear you, but I. I like where you're. By the way. I will. I will compliment you because you're throwing out a big wet right now. Because I'm not positive what Gareth was saying. I hear you, but I'm not sure this is a power play. I don't think it's a cat. I honestly know Victim is interesting. Courtney, what I would really love. And did you send that to Jocelyn?

[Courtney]

I did. Jocelyn let me.

[Jake Johnson]

Did she read it or send it back?

[Jamila Jamil]

Courtney, be real with us. Girls, tell each other everything. Was there. Was there some bead play?

[Jake Johnson]

Courtney doesn't know. She wasn't in the sack.

[Courtney]

You know, I was wondering if perhaps it was more of a dingleberry situation where it just, like, was stuck there, perhaps up and, like, fell out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesse. Yeah, can we call Jocelyn and if it doesn't answer, can we leave her a message?

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Just call her and see. And if her thing is good enough, can you make sure the audio is good, but can we call this woman? I can't do this. I can't do this through a second person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is difficult.

[Jake Johnson]

It's too good of a setup. We got Jamila. I'm so happy with everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good first chapter.

[Jake Johnson]

But we're talking about what she said, which was interesting about, like, anal be. It's like, to go like, maybe that's true. I'm like, this show's not called maybe we have information.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're dear to help.

[Jake Johnson]

If I'm a detective and I walk in a murder situation, I don't want to walk into the apartment next door and go, was there a murder next door? I need to be where the body is.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes, but I can't just apartment 13.

[Jake Johnson]

If the murder's in 12.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, but you're not a detective from New Orleans. You're just a guy. So. So just. Just.

[Jake Johnson]

Why do you have to get nasty? I'm being so nice today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are being very nice. But it's just earlier in the call.

[Jake Johnson]

Feelings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this shouldn't hurt your feelings. That's just reality. What I said is real.

[Jamila Jamil]

He's covered in your come, Jake. Just, like, give him a break.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

You got that ginger beard I'm gonna spray all over you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Courtney, would you tell me her.

[Jamila Jamil]

Can't help it.

[Jake Johnson]

I hate it. I can't stop.

[Courtney]

Sorry, did you say my name again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What's her number. What's Jocelyn. I'm gonna put her on speaker here.

[Jamila Jamil]

Courtney really regrets phoning in, and I think she thought this was gonna go a different way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't really.

[Courtney]

I absolutely don't regret phoning in.

[Jake Johnson]

Courtney's the best. Jocelyn.

[Jamila Jamil]

The one thing that's for sure, Courtney, is that we're on your side.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

No one else. We're rooting against the other team. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But also, Courtney, if you've watched First 48, which I know we both have, the time is ticking. You know that clock that's there on the right hand corner of the screen? We just don't have time to do this for 40 minutes where it's going click, click. And then all of a sudden, we got some kid in here with a white T shirt going like, I didn't do anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never mind. Oh, damn it. Someone joined the waiting room. But it's our next caller.

[Courtney]

Okay, I have her phone number ready.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it ranging?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I'm disappointed in her for not coming on.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We all are.

[Jamila Jamil]

Especially is that this is. This is a woman who is not afraid to get her hands dirty. I'm surprised to see this. Cowardice. Jotlin, all of a sudden.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You may have rejected.

[Jamila Jamil]

She's done things I could never do.

[Jake Johnson]

Didn't even answer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she's out.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna. We're gonna air this as it goes. And there is going to be a part two. Jamila, you will be invited. Do not feel pressured.

[Jamila Jamil]

I wouldn't miss it for the world. I need to know what happened to this young man.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate the call.

[Jamila Jamil]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

What were you gonna say?

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you. This was a true dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll get better.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. This is. I. I also just love the fact that she needs to. It's very me coded to. To. To clearly want to break up with this animal of a man. But. But not do it until you have answers.

[Jake Johnson]

I really appreciate it. An insult or a compliment? Considering what she does.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think it's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that that's what I want to get to. Because I think what this is partly is. I don't like the. But I like what happens in the bed. And what I'm going to say is, you can't. Can't have your cake and eat it, too.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think they're very connected. Something.

[Jake Johnson]

I think they're connected. When you brought up the thing about the beads, I said like, we need more info.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, I. I only knew what anal beads were because I was staying at a friend's house and found his big gold necklace and I put it on. And then my boyfriend at the time said, I don't think that's what you think. That is a very upsetting way to put.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Courtney, we appreciate it. We're going to talk to you later. We hope you're with us, too. And Jamila, will you stick around for the next.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you. What a highlight.

[Courtney]

I love you guys so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Bye. Yeah, she's tearing that ass up. That's what's happening.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know when a shirt just becomes your go to? That's what happened when I picked up a few new pieces from Quinn's. They're the first things I reach for in my closet. Closet. I'm gonna tell you why. They're lightweight, they're comfortable, and they are always on point. You want to look good this summer, gentlemen and ladies, go to Quince and look like Gareth and I. I'll be honest with you, I didn't know what Quince was before they were a sponsor. And when I found him, I now have Quinn shirts. I do have some of the pants they sent to stuff to begin with. They're comfortable, it looks right, and it is easy. When I was packing Trip, I would go, give me some undies, give me some socks, give me a cold. Quinn shirts. Quinn shirts. Quinn shirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's one Quince corduroy jacket that people have even commented online that, what is with me in this jacket? It's like my wubby. I can't get enough of it. But they give you luxury pieces without crazy markups, and they work with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices for premium fabrics and finishes.

[Jake Johnson]

Elevate your closet with quints. Go to quints.com here to help. For free shipping on your order and 365 days returns. That's quint. Q U I N C E.com here to help. To get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com hereto help. Hey, can we get your name, please?

[Jenna]

Hi, my name is Jenna.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Jenna.

[Jamila Jamil]

How you doing, Jenna?

[Jenna]

Doing pretty good. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good, good. No, she'll be okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll be okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Where are you calling from, Jenna?

[Jenna]

I'm calling from Austin, Texas.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. And about how old are you, Jenna?

[Jenna]

28.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you're just a kid. And what do you like to do? What's your. What's A fun Friday night for Jenna.

[Jenna]

Lately I've been getting into the old game of billiards.

[Jake Johnson]

Billiards, great. Have you ever considered, like, reading kind of like soothing meditations or books?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the ASMR Voice?

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I was just feeling. I started. As you're talking, I'm starting to feel like things in my body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to. Yeah, I want you to like, scratch a or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's right. Did you just say come here, G.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Save it, Jake. Save it. By the way, I'm good for the morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Could you write. Could you say really fast? I like to use curling creams in my hair and. Gareth, could you come over here for a sec?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Jakey boy.

[Jake Johnson]

I love you, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you, bud.

[Jake Johnson]

So you great Jamila Jamel from Wrong Turns podcast. She came on our show, season one. We did a call where there was a garbage can in the back of a car.

[Jenna]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And you told a story about farting on the Good Place.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. And that was gonna go viral.

[Jake Johnson]

And it went viral. That's what went viral. You were holding gas during an epic.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think the Daily Mail picked that up.

[Jake Johnson]

First of to say we apologize.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, it was my bad.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what?

[Jamila Jamil]

You didn't even ask me. I volunteered it up. I served it right up to you on a. On an indignity platter, you know, so.

[Jake Johnson]

We love having you on our show. So thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

I love being here.

[Jake Johnson]

Jenna, can you now take over and let us know what's happening, where you're at, what the problem is, and take your time.

[Jenna]

Sadly. So I work as a nurse. Nurse in like a reproductive family planning, sexual health clinic. You'd be perfect outside of work.

[Jake Johnson]

I fill that jar. Sorry, I'm done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me know if you have any extras. It's part of my skincare.

[Jenna]

And outside of work, I mostly surround myself with people not in the healthcare field. So most of my friends are like musicians or artists. This. Which means that I've sort of become their like, connection point to like, basically like an urgent care person. Whenever they. Something goes wrong, they call me.

[Jamila Jamil]

But a lot of sort of sex based. Is it a lot of sort of, you know, reproductive organ based problems or STDs. And.

[Jenna]

Well, that's kind of what. That's what's sort of starting to happen. So, like, in the past year, a lot of my friends, specifically my guy friends, have started reaching out and it always starts the same way. They'll text me and be like, hey, I have kind of like a personal private question. Can you Keep it a secret, like a medical thing. And then it turns into them asking me. Exactly. It turns into them asking me about, like, a bump on their dick or, like, discharge that they're having. And these are like my, you know, it started as, like, my kind of close guy friends, and now the word is kind of spreading that I have, like, that I have the medical answers for them. And now when I'm just, like, trying to come home after a day of work, I'll get like a random out of the blue text about one of my guy friends penis. And it's becoming a problem in my life.

[Jamila Jamil]

Never stops. My God. Has anyone reached out to you about uncontrollable tiny poos in a shower? No.

[Jenna]

What do you think yet? I'm waiting, though.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a pretty interesting setup, Jenna. And I get why it happens. I think, I think it's pretty clear. And I get the position you're in, but what is the specific question we can help you with?

[Jenna]

My question is, how do I stop being my guy friend's sick doctor?

[Jamila Jamil]

I think we can start with, I think we can start with the fact that you, you've already started taking action subconsciously, Jenna. You've, You've, you've phoned in a huge podcast and, and aired all of this out. And so this is already. It's a subliminal attack. And I, I really like your, I really like your style, actually. I think this is wonderfully passive aggressive aggressive. You could almost be British with a move like this. And so I think you. I think this is a, an immense start.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a pitch.

[Jamila Jamil]

I got a pitch proved to be leaky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you got one already.

[Jake Johnson]

I do. And I, and I mean it, because she specifically didn't say medical advice. She said, guys, questions about their dicks. You got to laugh every time because they're asking you as a nurse in confidence, and they believe it's because you're professional. And for you, you're different than other women, Even though you're 28 and they're friends because they got go. Now I'm talking to you as a professional here, and they expect you to go, oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. If they said, hey, I got this weird discharge, and you in caps wrote, ha, ha, ha ha. Lola rolling on the floor laughing, thinking about your dick discharging, they'll write back, I'll never ask a friend again. This is something I should go to a professional on, which is true.

[Jamila Jamil]

I, I can, I can I put, Can I add to that, please. Just to. Just to make it more severe.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

I would say screen grab the conversation and send it back to them. Don't send it to someone else. They'll think you were gonna send it to someone else with your.

[Jake Johnson]

Day. Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, this. But. But screen grab it. Because there's nothing worse than when someone sends you a screen grab of your conversation and then they panic.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

Because now you know that there's. There's been a leak.

[Jake Johnson]

Leak.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, in. In the chat. So I think that could be. Unfortunately, it could end the entire friendship.

[Jake Johnson]

No, they'll write back. They'll write back. Yo, yo, yo. Don't share that. Yeah, then just write back, okay. LOL. And they'll be like, cut out the LOLs.

[Jamila Jamil]

What about if you start messing.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't air that.

[Jamila Jamil]

What if you start messaging them about, like, fictitious fungal problems with your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, why don't you start retaliating, you know, and just be like, I thought that's what we were doing here. I thought we were back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a labia rash that gets worse when I shower. What should I do?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, just. I know how you feel.

[Jake Johnson]

That is such a killer idea. If you.

[Jenna]

Yeah, I like that.

[Jamila Jamil]

Not sending pictures of other people's pussies from the Internet. You know, stop. From the WebMD section.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, get over here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No joke, Jake. God. Shooters do shoot, shoot.

[Jake Johnson]

So I. That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That last one is horrifying. I. I'm just putting myself in the guy's position. And of all of the things that we've heard, the last one that was just pitched is the one out of all of them that would make me be like, hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Or, you know, you could also say on the third one, send a pick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

And then they said.

[Jamila Jamil]

They would, wouldn't they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They would do. Do it.

[Jenna]

They have, like, tried. And I've been like, no, no, I don't. I don't need that. And it's like. I mean, as a healthcare professional, your worst nightmare is running into a patient out in public. But these people are like, that's. I'm in, like, my friend group and, like, seeing them. And another moral problem I'm having is I'll be, like, out at a restaurant, and I'll see one of them, like, on a date with someone, and I'm like, what if. Does she know that he has the drip or whatever, you know, how many of you obligated?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this the seventies? What are you. What's going on? With your guy friends that they're all have discharges and bumps. That's abnormal.

[Jake Johnson]

Sales pitch to hook up with girls, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not. I'm just saying sometimes beautiful.

[Jake Johnson]

You've told me you've sent me photos because you think of me as a detective of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. What? Stop. Stop right now. Stop. What you were doing before, which was about me, was bad for me, but I'm telling you right now for you to stop.

[Jenna]

Deal.

[Jake Johnson]

So, okay, Jenna, we have some interesting pitches on this one. We really do. We've got the take a screen grab of it and send it back, which I think is shocking. That would really stop me in my tracks. We've got right back about issues that happening in your pants that they're going to go like, I don't want to hear this. And you go, well, I didn't want to hear that. And we've also got like, they just really hard, like an lol. Thanks. That made my day without responding to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You also could say that you're done doing it because you misdiagnosed one of your guy friends who, like, ended up getting laser on his penis because of you, and now his dick doesn't work and you're out on. You're out of the game. Game.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You could also do the thing that you just brought up about the bar, too, and say, just so you know, in terms of my profession, I'm happy to go down this road with you, but I would. If I see you on a date, it is my professional obligation to tell them. So I can't. I can't keep that as I can't.

[Jamila Jamil]

Know these things about you and not tell that.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, you just got to say, like, as a professional, if you've got, as you call it the drip and I see you at a bar, I need to tell that woman. Woman that you have the drip. So I will proceed with you, but everybody needs to know that professionally. I would have to tell the partner you're with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or just another minor pitch on what's already been pitched. You could say, send a screenshot and I'll send it to my big doctor's.

[Jake Johnson]

Group chat and send it to us, please. Oh, you know what you could also do? Here's an idea that you could do. Do you have anybody currently writing you? Like somebody wrote you recently?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Recently?

[Jenna]

Yeah, like a few weeks ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Because what we. There is another play, and that is if I wrote to somebody because I've got a friend who's a listener on this show, Marissa Martinez. Shout Out. What's up? Martinez went to high school together. She's a nurse. And when my kids were first born, I would text her and be like, your dick? Yeah. I'd be like, I'd been rubbing it to. On Garrett's head too much, and now his head is rashy, and so is my dick. And both of our butts are dripping in. Do you know why? And she would say, how can I block you? We have different. How do you keep getting through this when I block you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we keep the activities going but get rid of the rash?

[Jake Johnson]

Can we make no changes? I'm just bragging. I'm enjoying my life with him. Just texting to brag. But I would text her all the time, like, really specific questions on stuff like that. And she would always write back, really great stuff. What if you do something different, Jenna? And what if somebody goes like, hey, Jenna, what up? What up? Great seeing you the other night. I've got this weird bump. Do you think I'm good? What if you start scaring them and you go, oh, no, that is very bad. That will. That. That'll lead to. If you don't put corn starch and toothpaste on it right now. And Icy Hot, right? Yeah, Right. Put icy Hot in your choat. And what you've got to do is then you've got to put a little string around your balls and tighten it. If you don't do that right now, it could actually lead to erectile dysfunction. It could read to a rash. And so that all these guys are doing all this weird stuff, and then they go like, hey, why'd you say that? You go, I'm not at work. I'm not your personal nurse. Or.

[Jamila Jamil]

Or send a Venmo request every time. Like a high roller Venmo request.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thousand bucks. That's the only thing you respond with. They send you something about their dick. You send a Venmo request. Another thing that's clear now, because also, you know what? You might find yourself wanting to stay in this dynamic because you're going to make a pretty penny, and now you're on holiday in the Bahamas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or just send a message also on the Venmo, when it says, for what? Just say dick advice.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true. And make it public. Make it public advice on your drippy dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, drip dick.

[Jake Johnson]

Jenna, where are you kind of at a little bit? Let's hear from you.

[Jamila Jamil]

You.

[Jenna]

I. I like the Venmo request because then I'm benefiting.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Then you're in the Bahamas.

[Jenna]

Exactly. And I like the, you know, kind of outing them on Venmo. Sort of like a subtle little out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably can't do both, but yes.

[Jenna]

I also like the initials, like laughing. Like just big caps. Ha ha, ha, ha.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then if they come back again.

[Jenna]

That could end some friendship.

[Jake Johnson]

But yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Can you also scare them out in public? So rather than just threatening that you're going to, don't say something specific, but just be like, hey, man, how's the bump? You know, when they're out on a date, how's that drip? How's that drip doing? You know, because that could mean jewelry, but also it could mean the little hole in the penis.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, you could also do going off of that pitch. If I can pitch on that pitch is if they text you go, let's talk about it next time we're all out of the bar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm busy now. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Spending less time on my phone. Let's talk about it next time we're all out. I'll bring these guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All, like in the same friend group. Ish.

[Jenna]

Most of them are really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, if in public, you went up to one of them and asked at a bar. Something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What is going on with that drippy penis of yours?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you try, like, oh, great to see you're dating. So the drip must be good gone.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to keep it subtle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? This is. That is right. They're trying to make something private. You're trying to make it public.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you're not their doctor, so you have no oath to upkeep with when they're at the bar.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you. Yeah, go ahead, jam.

[Jamila Jamil]

I was just going to say that my female intuition tells me that Jenna's going to take the Venmo option because she hadn't considered this. And it's a whole new revenue stream, and we're in a cost of living crisis. The market is down.

[Jake Johnson]

But these fools aren't going to to pay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's going to tariff her guy friends.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think they will pay because what they're paying for is not having to go into a clinic in the first place. They're paying to not have to be seen.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jenna, what would you charge for advice like this? What would be a number that you would feel comfortable giving advice on? A drippy dick. What? I mean, look, everybody's got a number. I've been saying that since I became a detective. What's your number?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

A number?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What Are you talking about a number?

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going, Jenna.

[Jenna]

I want to say, like, $35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's good.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Bucks.

[Jamila Jamil]

$150 minimum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going to go to a dollar.

[Jamila Jamil]

Store, send me a picture.

[Jake Johnson]

I would ask a homeless person how my dick is for 150.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well. Well, hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

A lot of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of weird things got said just under Jake's breath there, but I think 150. 50, you're saying. Don't do this to me. 35.

[Jake Johnson]

You're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're saying I'm getting a revenue, right? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll take myself out to dinner for this.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think it's 50 because, you know, after tax. That is a myth. What, 14. You know what I mean? After agents, managers, lawyers, things. 50.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if doctors have those. We're all in the business, obviously.

[Jamila Jamil]

We have. All have those. I'm not out of touch.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jenna, you're comfortable with 35 bucks? Bucks?

[Jenna]

I think I'm lowballing, but I think you are. I can't really see myself charging.

[Jamila Jamil]

And this is the. This is the type of attitude. I'm sorry to get harsh on you now, Jenna, but, like, this is the sort of attitude that's got you in this mess in the first place. All right? You're not valuing yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

Cheers.

[Jamila Jamil]

A doormat is already lying down before people wipe their feet all over it. All right. Bring that price up for real, by the way.

[Jenna]

Okay. 50.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, I totally agree with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

50 seems okay. 50 is the ceiling, in my opinion.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Jamila Jamil]

Pictures. It's going up by 100. It's 150 if you have to look at a bumpy drippy dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's 150.

[Jake Johnson]

You got to spend 150 bucks to look at the dick, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, hold on. I. I do think.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on. You're saying she's got to spend.

[Jamila Jamil]

Your feelings hurt. Jake, what's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

You got to spend $150. Jenna's got to pay $150 to look at somebody's drippy dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not paying. I thought she's receiving the money. Money? Jake. Jake, are you really a detective? I honestly. Real quick, Jenna. There was something subtle in what Jake said that I think is pretty good. I would go 49.99 for sure. Or 49.9 Best Buy them.

[Jake Johnson]

Or 49.95.

[Gareth Reynolds]

49.99. Or you could do. You could do Two easy payments. 24.50.

[Jake Johnson]

Good. One last thing. I'm gonna pitch to you, Jenna, and then we got to get to you because we've given you a lot of great pitches here, and you can get out of this, Jenna. The other thing is, the next time it happens, you email it to the show, and Gareth and I j. I'll start a text chain with us, and we will just respond to the text and give it back to you. And we can do that. The three of us could text each other really fast, and then on the show, we could come back and read what happened that way. So there is a version that there's a longer play, but you've got got charge, which you seem to like at 35. We're pitching 49.95 to Easy Payments. Talk about it in public, which is a new one that I think is really great. Bring it. Bring the private public, or just wait till the next time it happens. Email the show. I check the emails. I'll grab that email. I'll put it on us. The three of us will write something, we'll send it back to you. You send it to that person, and we play another version of this game, which is a bit of an email mail game. What do you feel like?

[Jenna]

The latter.

[Jake Johnson]

You like the last one?

[Jenna]

I like leaving it up to y' all to be. To play doctor.

[Jamila Jamil]

And listen, if you. If you need an agent, you need a manager, I'll. I'll start setting the prices. I'll negotiate for you. Do you know what I mean? We all need that. We need someone to be the bad guy.

[Jenna]

49.99.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jenna, then tell us specifically what you're gonna do. You get a text in a couple days going like, hey, girl, Hey, I got a bump on my dick. What should do. What's your response?

[Jenna]

I. I think. Here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to say I'd love to help you out. It is. I've, like, started charging for this. It's around 49.99. Or I have some other people that have been helping me out in this business, and I can send them your contact information.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, Jerry, that's even better than thought. These people do it pro bono.

[Jamila Jamil]

Pro bono?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, pro bono. I would do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Jenna, that wasn't the pitch I was having. You just evolved it in a way that is brilliant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And here's the thing.

[Jake Johnson]

We go to them directly through the we're here to help thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna. You're gonna get the money, but if you don't, boy, Are we gonna have.

[Jake Johnson]

A here to help? That's right. And I mean crow boner workers. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jenna, it's just you're. You're. You're kind of such a whisperer. And then you also you so in It's.

[Jamila Jamil]

She's a silent killer. Guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Your vibe to me is I would ask you personal questions about my genitalia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do have a question.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, I trust you. I think you're smart, you're cool. I'm like, I got this weird bump. I don't know who to ask.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay. Janet, you get a text from Jake after this show. I want you to let us. Yeah. I need to report him and pretend.

[Jake Johnson]

It'S from Gareth and report me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's technically for both of us. Yeah. What Jake has, I have. I think it's pretty good. Jenna, I. I think this. I really think you're probably going to start generating a little income. I. I really.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think Jenna's gonna be on the front cover of Forbes real soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know about that.

[Jamila Jamil]

35 but at 49.999 so.

[Jake Johnson]

But Jenna, will you no matter what then contest contact us when this happens next. Cuz also a big win is you just send us a Venmo where you got 50 bucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That feels like a bell ring too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then everybody knows they'll start spreading it. But I think this is a very smooth. And you could send the text you send back could be a copy and paste. You do not change it for any. Anybody you go like hi friend. I am no longer doing this service for free. I do charge 49.95. You can do that in one or two payments. But if you do not want to pay, I've got friends at. Jesse, what's the name of our email again? Helpful pod gmail.com.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Helpful pod Gmail who would love to help. This is what they do. They are professional helpers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ignore the word pod in their email. Don't be freaked out by that.

[Jamila Jamil]

These men are not smart. They're going to think. Think it's a pod that a medical together.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Jenna]

Right?

[Jamila Jamil]

Physical pod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like there's space doctors.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As he's itching the end of his Katy Perry.

[Jake Johnson]

Jamila, your thoughts on that? Everything that just happened with.

[Jamila Jamil]

I feel very good about the plan. I feel as though Jenna's grown even during the time of this call. I think she started to realize her self worth. I think she's. I think she's maturing right in front of our eyes and it's it's beautiful to see, to be honest. So fast.

[Jake Johnson]

Jacob, your thoughts on the lady astronauts and Katy Perry?

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, my thoughts on that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Please, just let it rip, girl.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think that's what you're thinking.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you start.

[Jamila Jamil]

Don't you really. I think you've really done so much for womankind, specifically women in America. I feel different today. I don't know about you, Jenna, but I feel really empowered by the whole thing. I just love billionaires. I think they're fantastic, and I don't know what we'd do without them other than have healthcare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I hope the Daily Mail is listening to this one, because I think we got another winner.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really good. I also like the video. Have you seen the video of them accidentally opening the door too soon and then being told quickly to close it? And then Jeff Bezos comes back in with a wrench that he has to pretend to wrench them out of it. And then there are videos of them in the pot and their hair is not upside down. It's down and perfect. I'm full. Woody Harrelson, Tin Hat mode. Those didn't go anywhere. They sat in a Tesla on the side. Wait, do you really believe this went up empty and came down empty?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the hot tank.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, no one went nowhere.

[Jake Johnson]

So, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Why do you think they faked they came?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, they came back because there was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some sort of press.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't know. They were distracting from my podcast. Okay, they're trying to suppress my podcast. They know it's coming out. They know I'm about to launch, and so they staged a different launch to sabotage me.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what this reminds me of on your Instagram. You'll do Daddy. Algorithm doesn't like my posts, so I'm sending this so I get back on.

[Jamila Jamil]

The taking my tits of the camera.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, that's what it is they were doing.

[Jamila Jamil]

Doing a fake launch to sabotage my podcast launch. Okay. They know it's going to be big, and they wanted to do something bigger. And, you know, I'll give it to them. They did, but it was pointless. No one went anywhere. Okay? They sat in a makeup trailer. They didn't have helmets on when they came down. None of it made any sense. Okay, you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you could also be great at as a hot corner homeless person.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, sorry, what you're gonna say no.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody who just gives reason. Real hot takes. Oh, yeah, you got some hot takes in you. That's a hot Take on this. I'm just gonna tease Katy Perry for saying, like, I feel connected to love or whatever she was gonna say.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, I know.

[Jake Johnson]

And I expected the same old territory. I never even thought this was a fake.

[Jamila Jamil]

I know, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kubrick directed it.

[Jake Johnson]

Jenna, what do you think about Jamila's hot take?

[Jenna]

I'm. I stand with women. I'm standing with her.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, then you stand with all women. You stand with woman.

[Jamila Jamil]

Not which women stand with woman.

[Jake Johnson]

You stand with all women. How about a. How about the women up there? You standing with them up there, you floating around, you upside down or you on Earth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's been very clear, Jake.

[Jamila Jamil]

Up where?

[Jenna]

I'm. I'm on Earth. I'm on Earth. And I don't know how she got that dandelion up there is all I have to say.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Jamila Jamil]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Ladies, thank you for the call. See what's happening.

[Jamila Jamil]

Jenna, I'm excited to be in business with you. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Jenna, let us know what happens, please.

[Jenna]

I will. Thank you guys for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well done.

[Jamila Jamil]

What a hot Chronically Online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good job. Who is. That was great.

[Jake Johnson]

Who isn't? What a. This is all I'm thinking about now. It was a fake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a fake.

[Jamila Jamil]

It was so clearly a fake.

[Jake Johnson]

What percentage do you really believe it's a fake?

[Jamila Jamil]

I. 95%, I think. Go get. Get into it. Of that other woman. I can't remember her name. Who went to space. Shit was wild. She looked like Albert Einstein. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? The woman who was driving across the country in a diaper. No, that was my favorite one.

[Jake Johnson]

That was on Hoops. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was that. We did parody that on Hoops. That was the best.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, I. But. But it's just none of it made any sense. And some people were like, oh, Katy Perry's hair is too long. And that's why gravity. You know, gravity didn't occur to her. Or gravity did occur to her, in spite of being in a place that had no gravity and scale king, very short hair. Also down. Nothing makes any sense. I don't give a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Down is up.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, by the way, all of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, I had a pitch get moved, so I gotta go.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I gotta. So I gotta run.

[Jamila Jamil]

All right. Me and Jake will just keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. This is all I want to talk about.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. I love you all. Thank you again, Jamila. Thank you for doing that.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help. Is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Ren Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show. Please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston editing, mix and master by clicking Chris Faller Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jamila Jamil]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hi, I'm Jesse Klein.

[F]

And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writers room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder, but more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s, which can really happen. And it has happened to us. It's true, because life has imitated our and then it imitated time is a flat circle. And now we're making a podcast that's about making friends and we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[F]

I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow Feelings, They're a nuisance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nick Kroll I just wanted to say hi.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears.

[F]

So good, so good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life. Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about about dating.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[F]

Spousing, true parenting, careering, and why we love Thelma and Louise and it's the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.