190: Box of Cigars and A Bottle of Whiskey & Reverse Benjamin Button

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 190: Box of Cigars and A Bottle of Whiskey & Reverse Benjamin Button

Release Date: July 21, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Producer: Jesse Centric

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Introduction and Host Banter

The episode kicks off with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds welcoming their sole producer, Jesse Centric, bringing a fresh dynamic to the show. The trio engages in light-hearted banter about Jesse’s new role, highlighting their longstanding friendship and collaborative spirit.

Notable Quote:
Jake Johnson [00:27]: "Jesse admitted something really sweet. He said, he's running point. He's a little nervous."

Introducing the Friendship Game

Gareth introduces an exciting new segment pitched by their friends, Natalie and Rob, focused on building friendships. They discuss the concept of dedicating once-a-month episodes to friendship themes, incorporating guest perspectives and interviews to enrich the show's content.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [02:33]: "Nat and Robbie came up with an idea that I think is fun."

First Caller: Paige from Chicago – The Astro Van Dilemma

The first major call comes from Paige, a 28-year-old from Chicago, who seeks advice regarding her boyfriend’s recent acquisition of a 2003 windowless Astro van. Her boyfriend traded a box of cigars and a bottle of whiskey for the van, which now drives around their neighborhood near a Catholic grade school. Paige finds the van unsettling and seeks ways to mitigate its intimidating presence.

Problem Description:
Paige [15:10]: "My boyfriend recently acquired a 2003 windowless Astro van... he's driving the thing around the neighborhood. It's very different and creepy."

Proposed Solutions:

1. Vehicle Detailing and Branding:

   • Gareth [19:35]: Suggests fully detailing the van to reflect her boyfriend's plumbing and handyman services, making it a professional work truck.
   • Jesse [19:52]: Recommends adding a cartoon version of Connor with friendly symbols like a thumbs-up and a wrench to make the van approachable.

2. Advertising Wraps:

   • Gareth [21:13]: Proposes wrapping the van with the podcast’s advertisement to transform its image from creepy to community-friendly.
   • Jesse [21:21]: Agrees, emphasizing the potential boost in podcast visibility and community engagement.

3. Interactive Engagement:

   • Jesse [21:26]: Mentions turning the wrapping process into an entertaining element for listeners, akin to the "We’re Here to Help Rap."

Execution and Outcome:

The hosts reach out to Connor, Paige’s boyfriend, and successfully pitch the idea. Connor enthusiastically agrees to have the van wrapped with the podcast’s branding, turning it into a mobile advertisement that aligns with community standards and reduces its intimidating appearance.

Notable Quote:
Connor [23:54]: "I couldn’t pass it up. It’s a wonderful deal."

Results:
Paige and Connor are thrilled with the transformation. The wrapped van has received positive feedback from the community, enhancing the podcast’s local presence in Chicago.

Notable Quote:
Paige [58:22]: "He was very excited. We looked at it for two hours straight and we're just cracking up. The wildest and best thing we've ever seen."

Second Caller: Bailey and Jesse – Perceived Youthfulness

The episode delves into a unique segment where two callers, Bailey from Atlanta and Jesse, confront issues related to being perceived as younger than their actual ages, a situation humorously referred to as "Reverse Benjamin Button."

Caller Profiles:

• Bailey [34:05]: A 29-year-old English professor who is frequently mistaken for a student.
• Jesse [34:07]: A 31-year-old business owner facing similar misconceptions in professional settings.

Discussion and Advice:

1. Wardrobe Upgrades:

   • Gareth [40:12]: Suggests Bailey and Jesse enhance their wardrobes with more mature attire such as button-down shirts and slacks to project an older image.

2. Personal Branding:

   • Jake [46:14]: Recommends adopting humorous and memorable personas or backstories to deflect misconceptions, such as claiming to be a prodigy like Doogie Howser.

3. Visible Age Indicators:

   • Jesse [41:26]: Proposes wearing pins that display their actual ages to immediately inform others and reduce repeated inquiries.

4. Engagement Role-Play:

   • The hosts and callers engage in role-playing scenarios to practice responses, aiming to find a balance between humor and professionalism.

Notable Quote:
Jake Johnson [35:00]: "I need a better way to respond to that than to just awkwardly laugh and walk away."

Outcome:

Through collaborative brainstorming and playful role-playing, Bailey and Jesse develop solid strategies to handle their situations with confidence and humor. They commit to implementing wardrobe changes and utilizing visible age indicators to assert their professional identities more effectively.

Notable Quote:
Bailey [48:16]: "I feel like I have a pretty good poker face. So I could give that pretty straight face."

Final Call and Community Engagement

The episode concludes with Paige’s follow-up call, expressing her satisfaction with the van’s transformation. The hosts encourage listeners to share their stories and engage with the podcast community, hinting at future expansions of the friendship game segment.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [59:14]: "It's so good. We're working on a future audience."

Conclusion

Episode 190 of We're Here to Help showcases Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds’ commitment to providing thoughtful and creative advice to their listeners. From transforming a creepy van into a community-friendly advertisement to helping professionals assert their identities, the hosts demonstrate their unique blend of humor and empathy. The successful execution of Paige’s call and the engaging discussion with Bailey and Jesse highlight the show’s dedication to fostering a supportive and interactive listener community.

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Key Takeaways:

• Creative Problem-Solving: The hosts employ innovative solutions tailored to each caller’s unique situation.
• Community Focus: Emphasis on enhancing local engagement and visibility through practical actions.
• Humor and Empathy: Balancing humor with sincere advice to address listeners' concerns effectively.

Follow the Show: To become a caller or engage with the podcast, email your questions to [e-mail].

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This summary captures the essence of Episode 190, highlighting key discussions, solutions, and memorable moments to provide a comprehensive overview for those who haven’t listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are back with a special. Jesse Centric, our only producer on.

[Jesse]

Look at him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sherlock. Jesse.

[Jesse]

He didn't know he was going in that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? Let's lose Sherlock. Sherlock doesn't. Sherlock doesn't fit.

[Jesse]

Yeah, we'll come up with a new.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One, but this is the Jesse.

[Jesse]

Maybe after today people pitch it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Jesse admitted something really sweet. He said, he's running point. He's a little nervous. And I said, don't screw up, because these dogs are going to bite. He said, I've seen it podcast, but we are.

[Jesse]

You're in a closet. Don't worry. Just. You're swimming with the big boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, Jesse, we are thrilled you're running point. I'll tell you why. You've been a big addition to this show.

[Rob]

Thank you.

[Jesse]

Also, I feel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I just.

[Jesse]

It'll be nice to not be attacked. Nat has really leaned in to the nickname as of late.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also think Nat has been our breakout star.

[Jesse]

She is a hit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not seeing the emails, Garrett. There's a lot of.

[Jesse]

I mean, don't let her see him. I send them to her and she.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Says, stop sending these. I see them myself. I'm not interested.

[Jesse]

Oh, that's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I will say what she is potentially interested in. And she and Robbie Rob or Wobby Rob, came up with an idea that I think is fun. And I don't know if you've heard this yet, Gareth, the. And I mean this seriously now, the friendship game thing, the Fridays. Were you on any of these texts or did they talk to you about it too?

[Jesse]

I don't think they talk to me about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, then I'm gonna give it to you.

[Jesse]

Oh, wait, wait. Okay. I actually don't know what you're talking about. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then. Then you say it.

[Jesse]

We could start doing a. Like, we could start branching out with a version of Friday friendships and start making that a component of the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Rob]

It's live. It's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it?

[Rob]

Well, as of the airing of this episode, it will be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what Natalie and Rob pitched is doing once a month a friendship episode.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And on Fridays, every once in a while, releasing a casting episode where they are bringing different perspective people on and interviewing them and having Morgan run it and having either Eric or Steve join. But I said I don't want you and me part of it because kind of ruin it. I want to be surprised on the.

[Jesse]

Wednesday and then casting couch with Eric and Steve is just insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also want Nat attack To run a lot of that. I want Morgan part of it. Steve. I was like, let's just get the team building around that one.

[Jesse]

Steve, when he's in a power position. Like if Steve. Like when we were doing the last one and he had a notebook and a pen. Like, when Steve feels like he's, like, got. Like he's leveled up a little so quickly, it's. It's like he's. The ego's not so prominent, but you could tell tell that he's chuffed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's happy with himself when he's not in a position of power. He pretends to be so submissive.

[Jesse]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'll go, like, I don't have any self confidence. I am such a little rat. I'm just. My ears are just covered in rainwater.

[Jesse]

How do you want me to say that? Like, what's the best way for me to deliver?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then as soon as he goes, steve, you're in charge. He goes, exactly. Here are the rules, my peasants.

[Jesse]

Back to one. Everybody back to one. Let's get it right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Garrett, are we obsessed with Steve?

[Jesse]

I mean, let's be honest. A lot for what brought us together was Steve. We both. It was like, we both found, like, a yeti, and we were just like. We both were like, hey, you have Gremlin rights, too. I have a grim. I have gremlin rights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, when I first met Steve, I just moved to la. I got put on a herald team at the IO. I was no commercial agent, Nothing. No head shots. Just expected Ron Howard to hand me to see me at an improv show at IO and give me a bucket of gold and be like, you got it, kid.

[Jesse]

Very similar origin stories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really believed that's how it was gonna work.

[Jesse]

Truly believed. I was like, hurry up already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like, I've been here. I've done three mediocre shows where I wasn't listening to intros.

[Jesse]

I've been here six months, and I only do English accents. Let's move.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just do a guy with a mustache routine. And I definitely drank too much. And so by the end of the show, I'm very, very sloppy. Mr. Howard, Mr. Spielberg, isn't there a bucket of gold you need to give me? But I met Steve right away. We were on the same team. And he goes. We went out like a group rehearsal, and then everybody leaves. And me and him just kept drinking. And he goes like, Jesus. He's like, you're a super funny guy. How do you make your money? And I go, I'm working at a casino down At Hollywood Park, I'm a third party player. And he goes, you're not making it through the arts.

[Jesse]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I go, no, that's why I moved here. You. I'd like to. And he goes, well, I just made $40,000 in a Twix commercial where I literally just lift somebody up and spin them. And he goes, $40,000, J man. He goes, your commercial agent doesn't send you out. I go, I don't have one. And I don't. I'm not even in the union. He goes, oh, we're gonna change that. And then he did. He walked me into his commercial agent and he said, like, you would be an absolute fool not to sign this guy. Then he goes to the theatrical agent. How could you not be signing this guy? You'd be an absolute fool. And they listened to Steve. And I got in the union because of Steve. I got everything because of Steve.

[Jesse]

Wow, that is so. He hated me when I first met. He was like, this guy really thinks he's too cool for school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was the alpha with you, and.

[Jesse]

He was the big brother with me completely. He would. And like, we sometimes would go outside for a cigarette and he'd be like, you'd finish your cigarette so fast, like, ooh la la. I was like, wow. I was like, I genuinely thought we were cool for like a half a year. When he was like, I hate this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oo la la. The other thing he would do, and my wife always loved this the most about him, is when he would come to our old apartments, he would park like a block away. And that's not a joke. And the street would be empty. We were in Silver Lake on Rowena, and. And he would park way far away. And finally I just called him out. I'm like, why are you doing that? And he goes, just in case an older person needs the spot.

[Jesse]

Oh, stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse. He did that on his own, though. There was no older person. Yeah.

[Rob]

Who is that for?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just in case any old person who.

[Rob]

Happens to live on that street.

[Jesse]

And it's like the other block, every space is open just in case a bunch of old people need to park this afternoon. Good Lord. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

His.

[Jesse]

He's too pure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's too pure. He's too sweet. Midwestern. He is what I used to believe, quote, moms were in the 80s in the Midwest that I didn't have. I used to think other people's moms were just Steve. Maybe that's why I like Steve so much.

[Jesse]

He was born to be a mom in the 80s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, he was born to be the mom. I grew up near being like, so that's what moms are.

[Jesse]

He's like, if Edie McClure wore a man with a lisp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Jess.

[Jesse]

You don't know who that is, but it's killing. Like eight people right now are like, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, people our age, Gareth.

[Jesse]

Eight of them. Not all, sadly. No. No, because not most people just know her as the woman from Ferris Bueller's Day off or planes trains. At audible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A bunch of people just went like this. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jesse]

Now we're getting people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Female Steve Bird.

[Jesse]

Still not Jesse, though. Jesse's like, what movies?

[Rob]

No, that's nothing for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse's like, have you seen sssniperwolf?

[Jesse]

Do you watch Pokemon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rob]

Big Pokemon guy over here. You guys, we got a. We have a caller and we need to promote this friendship game. So let's get out of the intro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so look at it.

[Jesse]

I thought you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then Jesse. What do you mean for the promote? What did we do wrong? When are we promoting. Take it over, sir.

[Rob]

We are going to run a casting session like you mentioned. So we have opened.

[Jesse]

That's right.

[Rob]

The submission process. We've been getting a lot of emails. Unsolicited people are just assuming that we're going to keep doing this. But we've heard the emails. We're going to do it. But if you have already sent in an email, you still need to fill out this Google form which we are putting in the description of this episode.

[Jesse]

I like how he thought this was going to come from one of us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree, by the way. I'm glad he's just Google form.

[Jesse]

What? We felt like we did our job. We were like, Jesse, we talked about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We talked about Steve Burn for Steve Burn for nine minutes. Good job.

[Rob]

So, yeah, there's a Google form in the description of this episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go there.

[Rob]

If you want to be part of the friendship game, you can only submit yourself. You can't submit your buddy or your father in law or anybody else. We're looking to get out of Fullerton. No offense to Fullerton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we can go anywhere.

[Rob]

We can go anywhere.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I might have a nickname for you.

[Jesse]

I got an idea too. Go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sweet Jessie.

[Rob]

Oh, well, I got no problem with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I kind of like sweet Jesse. There's a sweetness to Jesse.

[Jesse]

He can't not smile. It's interesting. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also when it's you and me and Nat Attack doing this, we know she's hating the show.

[Jesse]

Yeah. She's furious and sweet Jesse, she's hating our pitches. She's just like, jesus Christ. She's just tell him to go to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The dmv and then she'll say when the call ends. Yeah, you can't do that at the college. 45 minutes. I was thinking, sweet Jesse. Gareth, what are you thinking?

[Jesse]

I'm into that. I like that. I like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were you thinking, though?

[Jesse]

I was thinking teach, because it felt like he was in charge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you want everyone to be. Our parents, are our bosses.

[Jesse]

Yeah. Submissive. Hey, Jake, before we go, I want to tell people I'll be doing stage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Without further. No, no, no.

[Jesse]

You can go to Gareth Reynolds.com for all these dates. I will Irvine this week. I'll be in Nashville, and this is all in August. Nashville, Lexington, Kentucky. Huntsville, Alabama. Chattanooga, Tennessee. And then I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia, and then Fort Collins, Colorado, and go to GarethReal.com and there's more to come in September. Anyway, without further.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Further ado. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hulu. Make It a New Girl Summer on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. This summer, folks, it's time to watch New Girl on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. There's nothing like going back to the beginning and seeing Jess and Old Nick meet for the first time, watching Schmidt chase after Cece and laughing along with coaches and Winston's shenanigans. And then go back to this show and listen to all the episodes where they're on it, because they're on this podcast and they're on a New Girl on Hulu. And just about every guest star is here, too. All the laughs, all the hijinks, and all the fun, they're all waiting for you to stream. So make It a New Girl Summer Stream on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. Make it a New Girl Summer streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the easiest and best way to make your own professional website. I've done it. Gareth has done it. The show has done it. If you are a fan of this show, and I know you are, because you're listening to the ads and you're thinking about starting a website, go to squarespace.com and try it.

[Jesse]

Squarespace offers you everything you need to get paid in one place. You can do consultations to events, to experiences. You can showcase what you're offering on your website. You know, grow your business. There's cutting edge design tools. You could build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. It's there to help. We're here to help. It's there to help. It's got SEO tools, Squarespace domains. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains make it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. I did that and they said use garethreynolds.com I was like, squarespace, that's genius.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? Check out squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Therefore, Gil Buchanan saved you money. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Acorns. You ever find yourself asking, why didn't they teach us this in school? I feel that way almost every time I'm dealing with money. And that's why I'm giving my kids a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early. Growing up, Eve never talked to me about money. I had to figure that out on my own. And I definitely made a few mistakes along the way. And that's why I decided to give my kids a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

[Jesse]

Acorns early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they grow up. So you could start with the in app chore tracker. Teach your kids the value of a dollar. The kids learn what they've spent, they get their very own customizable debit card that would blow my mind as a child, by the way, giving them that extra sense of independence. I mean, I had a wallet and the only thing in it was like a picture of Indiana Jones. But this way, you know, they're actually on track to learning the value of money, which is going to be very helpful long term.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend? Get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com here to help or download the Acorns Early App. That's one month free when you sign up at acornserly.com hereto help.

[Jesse]

Hello there. How are you? Welcome.

[Paige]

How are you?

[Jesse]

Good. We're just. We're having a giggle. Can we get your. Your name, please?

[Paige]

Yes, my name is Paige.

[Jesse]

Hi, Paige. And where are you calling from, Paige?

[Paige]

I live in Chicago.

[Jesse]

Oh, great. Beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Paige, where are you? In Chicago? Sorry, where are you at in Chicago?

[Paige]

I live right by Wrigley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, beautiful. What do you think about Ricketts? Change in the area? Were you there pre or post? You've been there for a while. Yep.

[Paige]

I was born and raised here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So how do you think of the neighborhood change? Real opinion.

[Paige]

Not my favorite, but some of the good bars are still there, so I'm okay with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but a lot are gone. It's a. I. I hadn't been back in a while. It's a very different vibe.

[Paige]

It's very different. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I grew up going there. Those bars, like, everything had a certain feeling, and now it feels like it could be Dallas.

[Paige]

It's too clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's too clean. It's like, what happened to New York when they Disney fight it? You're like, it's safer. There's, like, a farmer's market. All really nice hotels. But I was like, there used to be a stadium. Just dropped in. A neighborhood character.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But it was crazy. And now you're like, it's. Yeah. Lovely. I can buy things overpriced everywhere, Paige. But this isn't about us. This is about you, Paige.

[Jesse]

Well, how old are we talking here? Give us a range here. Just so we know.

[Paige]

28. I'll be 28 June 1st.

[Jesse]

And, Paige, your life memoir is coming out pretty soon. What's the title of this book?

[Paige]

Oh, God. I am not creative. It's me pulling here today.

[Jesse]

It's me, P. Here to Stay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either way, I like the real title. I am not Creative. I also like, that's me, P. Here to Stay.

[Jesse]

It's me, P. I'm Here to stay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is also, if I was at an airport and saw that, I'm buying the book.

[Jesse]

I'm not buying it, but I'm definitely like, who the is what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going, I'm not creative. I'm not P. I'm here to sell. Guy goes, yeah, let's try it on the planet. I don't get good WI Fi, and I'm not spending the nine bucks.

[Jesse]

The memoir came from our Patreon people, and it is a very good, insightful question. Hi, Paige, Chicago, 28. It's me, Paige. I'm not creative. What's going on?

[Paige]

So I'm calling with, hopefully you guys have some advice, but my boyfriend recently acquired a 2003 windowless Astro van. White, creepy van. And we live next to a grade school. Catholic grade school. And he's driving the thing around the neighborhood. No windows. He's got locks on the back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, there's a phone And I'm. Ah. What is he doing?

[Jesse]

It's very similar to the van I tore in the dollapin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But this is a. This is a scary van.

[Jesse]

It is. There's no doubt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. What? No, this is a kidnap van.

[Jesse]

Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

[Jesse]

I mean, that's clearly your problem, Paige.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this is the van that you. When you kid. You were warned against.

[Jesse]

Yeah. This is the after school special.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stay away in there. Puppies and candy.

[Paige]

Yeah. So. And we live 20ft from a grade school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jesse]

Why did. Why did. All right, keep. Why did he get it? This. Why this? Does he.

[Paige]

Okay, some backstory. And I say acquire because he traded a box of cigars and a bottle of whiskey for this thing.

[Jesse]

What the hell?

[Paige]

And so he is a plumber.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Paige]

So he does kind of need a. Like a work van. But not this one specifically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe this one specifically. And I already have a pitch, but keep going.

[Paige]

So. Yeah, that's my concern. I did not want him getting this van.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he got it. He got it for a box. Of course he did. How many miles does it have on it? Overthrow on it.

[Paige]

I have no idea that he drives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he got it for a box of cigars. Are you kidding me? This is a wonderful deal.

[Jesse]

Has to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I do have a pitch, but pages. They're more.

[Paige]

Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it. I just. I'm sick of looking at the thing. I want to spruce it up. Throw some lipstick on the pig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, so do I.

[Jesse]

That's what I want to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[Jesse]

What are we. What are we calling the boyfriend? Can we get. Can we have his real name? Is that possible?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about John?

[Paige]

His name is Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Connor.

[Jesse]

The General Casey the Clown Connor. Okay.

[Paige]

Connor. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he a plumber for himself? Does he have his own company or does he work for a big company? It matters.

[Paige]

He works for a bigger company.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But does he ever do? But does he ever do.

[Paige]

He does some side jobs here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we're talking. This is what I was hoping for. Here's my pitch. Coming in hot.

[Jesse]

We're gonna have the same pitch, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because it's the right answer.

[Jesse]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got to get this thing detailed.

[Jesse]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the detail work has to be about his business. So Connor's plumbing and handyman work. It's got to be. My guess, would be friendly. Get a cartoon vision version of Connor with like a thumbs up and a wrench. Have his number on it. So this is a full on work Truck. Because no kid's gonna go to like a plumber's truck. Like, you have puppies in there. No, you don't, dude. That's a work truck. That's not a kitten Caravan. And so we just have to fully deck it out. And you know why he can? Because he got the whole vehicle for a box of cigars and a bottle of whiskey. So then if you want this creep mobile, you got to spend 200 and get a wrap.

[Jesse]

Completely agree. I think we could call him. Fix it Connor. We could put the number on there. I think that that is the move. If for some reason he doesn't want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To do that, it might be a dangerous van.

[Jesse]

You could try to sell. Like, you ever see people have like, their cars wrapped with other commercial advertising? You could also do that and bring in 50 bucks a month or something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but that could still be scary. Promote them.

[Jesse]

Yeah, for GEICO or something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but if I.

[Rob]

Or the podcast or the Here to help fan. Yeah, we're here to help plumbing.

[Jesse]

He. I'm here to help Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on.

[Jesse]

And we'll sue him.

[Paige]

Now we're talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. WABI Wob. That's wonderful. How do we pay for a rap? We turn this into a full. We're here to help rap. If you have any questions, call it right in Wrigleyville. That's a wheelhouse base.

[Jesse]

I think I have a follow up. We'll talk off show. But I should do what we're here to help rap. Like an actual rap. But keep going. This is right. I love this really fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would the rap be?

[Jesse]

No, I want to do it off air. I don't want it. This is. We gotta stay focused. We gotta stay focused. All right, listen. Review us on Yelp. You love this podcast because we're here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To help.

[Jesse]

With problems on the show. That's why we had to kill Piggly and mo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Killed it. 10 out of 10 and finish. Okay. So, Paige, what do you think about pitching him? And I don't care if it cost us some money.

[Paige]

Yeah, I. I think he would be into it. I'm. My only hesitation is like, how cartoony are we looking or not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Have you ever seen our. You ever seen. Hold on. Have you ever seen our artwork for the show where it's me and Gareth? Those like cartoon versions by phones? It would be that with our email on it. The. Where they can listen. So driving around Chicago, people go, oh, there's a podcast. It's good for the numbers. Our numbers in Chicago will spike.

[Jesse]

You know what I love?

[Paige]

Yep, they're up. Yeah.

[Jesse]

I've always thought of us like the Ghostbusters. And now we finally have the vehicle. I really. I love this. I think this is great. We will pay for this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jesse]

Where is Connor? Where's Connor right now? Paige?

[Paige]

He's sitting on the deck.

[Jesse]

Can we get an answer on whether or not he's down with this right now? So we can know how far.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We can find out how many miles are on this thing? So we don't know what the hell's.

[Jesse]

Going on with him.

[Paige]

This is a mistake. He's not gonna shut up about the thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Paige]

Connor, they want to talk to you. They want to know how many miles are on the van. And more specific as you can be.

[Connor]

165,000 miles.

[Jesse]

Such a steal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello?

[Jesse]

Hey, Connor, what's going on?

[Connor]

165,000.

[Jesse]

That's awesome. First of all, you got Jake and Gareth from. We're here to help. And we just want to say, first of all, thank you for getting on the phone. And second of all, thank you for acquiring Astro Van. For cigars and whiskey.

[Connor]

It is a steal. I couldn't pass it up.

[Jesse]

No question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Connor. Jake here. How do you like living in Wrigleyville?

[Connor]

It's. It's great. I'm a. I'm a Sox fan, so it's a little tough for me, but restaurants, bar, life is awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think of the Bears?

[Connor]

Well, we're back. The bears are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

100. We're back. You love Benny Johnson as much as me?

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Connor]

Oh, of course, of course. He's. He's turned the team around already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, what do you think about king poles or gm? You gonna let him cook?

[Connor]

You know what? I'm gonna let him cook for a little while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me too. Because, you know, he's made some mistakes, but he's grown up, ain't he? How about Joey Tony on the line?

[Jesse]

I'll tell you what. Year 41 into this rebuild, I got a good feeling, boys. This is the time. Sexy Rexy gone. Orton. We passed on him. Finally. Justin Fields. Look, he was. He's awesome. Obviously it was a good pick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me tell you something.

[Jesse]

Let's go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We never had a 4,000 yard passer. Ben Johnson. He's excited for the challenge.

[Jesse]

Yeah, it's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I am, too. He's made for it.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Connor]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jesse]

No, this is. This is. This is the. This is it. This is it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Connor.

[Jesse]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We saw the pictures of your beautiful van. What A wonderful deal my father used to sell. He had a car dealership on the south side of Chicago called City Chevrolet. You got a heck of a deal on that thing. Yeah, that's a. That's a $4,500 vehicle at the. At the cheapest.

[Jesse]

I agree. Cheapest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. You got a scale book saying like 8.

[Jesse]

8,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At least. @ least.

[Jesse]

I mean, you're done. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At least. But you know what? We don't know how beat up it is, but you. You're talking about a box of cigars and a whiskey. Good for you. But let me pitch you something that we're thinking. How do you feel about us wrapping that in some. We're here to help. Advertisement where if you've ever seen our artwork, it's just us two sitting around. We'll get the rap, we'll pay for it. But there's no way. What we don't want to do with this thing is scare little kids. Right. It's a little bit of a creepy van. Right.

[Jesse]

It's a little bit creepy with nothing on it. It's predatory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if we can. If we can put a wrap around this thing that you are driving around, an advertisement for a podcast that our Bears guys, at least one of them is.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you be comfortable with that? Wouldn't cost you a dime. You just have to drive to the rap place.

[Connor]

Can you imagine that van driving around with your face on it?

[Jesse]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? I can. I can. And what it's also doing right now, and I guess what it's going to do, it's going to spike our numbers. It's going to keep it safe around the kids, and it's going to keep beautiful Paige happy. And I think it's going to help Caleb and the Chicago Bears take the NFC north and never give it back. And maybe on the back, we could say we're taking the north and not giving it back.

[Jesse]

Sure, yeah. Whatever delusional thing we want to fill on the back, we can, but I think we're talking the overall concept. We want to do the podcast on the side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Podcast, email, something about the Bears and something about the packers being clowns.

[Jesse]

Sure, yeah, go for it. However you. However you want to do your little tantrum this year, that's fine with me. But I think we're talking about.

[Rob]

You're going to be wearing a bear's hat in the photo. We're going to Photoshop.

[Jesse]

Go ahead, Go ahead. Do whatever you like. Hey, guys, go to Imagine Town for the afternoon, and call me when you're back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think, man?

[Connor]

I'm sold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Connor]

I 100% sold.

[Jesse]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wabi Wab, the guy who's going to unfortunately have to do the majority of work. How do you feel about this?

[Rob]

I think it's great. When I we saw this call come in, that was my immediate pitch.

[Jesse]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let's do this.

[Jesse]

That's what we're going to do. Connor, thank you for being a sport. Could you throw Paige back on real quick so we can just wrap this up like the van we're about to put our faces on.

[Connor]

Nice to meet you guys.

[Jesse]

Thanks, Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Wab, should we have each of us have big mustaches and oversell the Chicago of it? Maybe instead of phones, it's like a brow.

[Jesse]

Maybe one phone. But we have like a table of hot dog. It's a hot dog party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a hot dog party. There's old style beers. We're both in bear shirts. No, we can't oversell the Bears because the problem will be then they think it's gonna be a Bears podcast.

[Jesse]

I think we want to use it as advertising. I would use the logo, the email and then if we want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the back should be. Yeah, the back should be Chicago stuff. But yes, if we just do our full advertise on the sides. Hey, Paige.

[Paige]

Yeah, hi. Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a solution here. Connor's a great guy. He's a wonderful guy. You guys got a wonderful thing. He's 100% on board. He's 100% on board.

[Paige]

Yeah, it's. I can't wait to see it page.

[Jesse]

Here we are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you feel. Paige, you made the right call by calling in. How you feeling, kid? You're a 28 year old in Wrigleyville. You had a problem. Is it going to be solved?

[Paige]

I think it's gonna be solved. It's better than I imagined.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me too.

[Jesse]

Me too.

[Paige]

I didn't. I didn't know what I was thinking, but this is 100 better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Paige, we're gonna do this. We're gonna turn your van into a. We're our first ever.

[Jesse]

Yeah, this is our first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is incredible merch and what we might find out something to do people sending photos.

[Jesse]

I can't wait a bit around the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can'T wait to if and once people see it please send it in. And here's what we're probably gonna do. Next time I go to ch we might try to Gareth and I drive around in the van.

[Jesse]

I was just gonna say I'm there in October Yeah, I would love. I. I would love to get a ride and that we're here to help them. Maybe take it around for a spin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we get that Blues Brothers thing where you have a little megaphone.

[Jesse]

Yeah, it's like next performing at the Den theater.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And you just go tonight and every day, wherever you get your podcasts. About 200 episodes running now.

[Jesse]

Don't we fix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here to help with your problems tonight, call Paige. We're going to move on this kid. This is a win.

[Jesse]

This is a big win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before we go, will you just say, my name is PAIGE and I'm 100% in charge?

[Paige]

My name is Paige and I'm 100% in charge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jesse]

Thank you, Paige.

[Paige]

All right. Thanks so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Paige]

Appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Rob, can we. Can we pull any sound bites instead? Start turning you into a button man so that you can just.

[Jesse]

At a certain point, we will just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All of a sudden you hear like, my name is Paige. I'm 100 charged, throw a hot dog party, turn you into. Who is it again? I'm forgetting his name. Steve, what is.

[Jesse]

Oh, Fred.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fred.

[Jesse]

We will eventually be like, all right, Rob, so please, please hold on a second. I'm in the middle of something here.

[Rob]

We can figure that out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This would be amazing.

[Jesse]

Amazing.

[Rob]

Well, and especially the six other people that'll call in wanting to do it in their city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, exactly.

[Jesse]

I don't know. Issues there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same with me.

[Jesse]

This is the new Pigliamo solution. Hey, can we wrap your car? People like, what do you mean? I'm trying to get my dad to come to my wedding. Hey, what if we wrapped your car and we're here to help outside? Is that cool?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode is brought to you by Armchair Expert. If you love comedy conversation and hearing famous people get a little too honest, you'll want to check out Armchair Expert. Every Monday and Wednesday, host Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with actors, comedians, scientists, really, anyone interesting for honest, curious, and hilarious conversations about life. I have been on the show twice. I love it. Dax is a good friend. Go check out my episodes if you haven't already heard the show and allow that to be your gateway drug into Armchair Dax is the best, but some of the funniest moments, they come from our listeners. Every Friday, Dax and Monica listen to outrageous, awkward and deeply human stories from fans on the phone in real time on their Armchair Anonymous series. From disastrous dates to family secrets, accidentally joining a cult and a poop disaster. You won't believe they've heard it all. Relatable chaotic, and laugh out loud funny. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to armchair expert on YouTube.

[Jesse]

It's just. I was trying to actually think of when I can allot a two to three day recovery for my butthole. How. What is the recovery Net? It's not.

[Jake Johnson]

You just shouldn't work out for two to three days. That's it. And no sex.

[Jesse]

But I mean, you are unbelievable lately. You have really. You start off, you're so quiet and demure, and then just the more we get to. You are a fucking killer. You know what you are? You're just like. It's just like I'm on a walk and I hear gunshots and I'm like, what the fuck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Jesse]

Say what you just said to Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

He asked me what the recovery was like for a Brazilian, and I said.

[Jesse]

This should be included in the episode.

[Jake Johnson]

I said, it's fine. You just can't work out for a couple days. And then he was like, okay. And then I said, and no sex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, you know, for two days.

[Jesse]

She said, but that won't be a problem for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that what she said?

[Jake Johnson]

It was implied.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If this is. If this is 45, what's 50 for you, brother?

[Jesse]

What's 60?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Botched.

[Jake Johnson]

A lot worse, apparently.

[Jesse]

Botched. Hi there. Welcome to the show. Now we have. You guys know the deal. Are you ladies? Are you non. Binds have the. You know that we have two callers, Same ish problem?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jesse]

So why don't we start with whoever was just talking. What's your name?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm Bailey. I'm 29 and I'm from Atlanta.

[Jesse]

Bailey, 29, Atlanta. And let's just get the second caller's name out of the way so we have it, and then we'll start with you, Bailey.

[Connor]

Okay. Hi, I'm Jesse.

[Jesse]

Jesse. Okay, seems like you're playing on details.

[Connor]

31, originally from Maryland, but living in LA.

[Jesse]

Okay. Okay, so, Bailey, 29, Atlanta. What is going on?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so my problem is I'm a professor at a local college. I teach English, but we have several dual enrollment sites. So when I'm there, my classes are entirely made up of high school students. And I get a lot of comments, not even from the students, just from other faculty and administration, about how, like, oh, we thought you were one of the students, or, oh, how are you one of the professors? You look so young. You can't possibly be old enough to teach them that kind of thing. And my problem is I just need a better Way to respond to that than to just awkwardly laugh and walk away.

[Jesse]

Hmm. Okay. Is there anything else to that, or. That's pretty clean.

[Jake Johnson]

That's pretty clean. I mean, the only thing is, they continue to say this even after I've been there for a while, so, like, they know who I am, but. But the comments persist.

[Jesse]

Okay. All right, Jesse, what's your version of this?

[Connor]

I have a similar kind of issue where people think I'm younger than I am and so growing, like, after college, I didn't think it was a big problem, even, like, having kids and stuff. But then a couple years ago at work, I was kind of, like, talking with one of the interns, and he thought I was also an intern, which became a big problem.

[Jesse]

And.

[Connor]

You know, right now I run my own business. And so, you know, whenever I do the online networking thing or sharing my portfolio and things like that, it's not really a big issue because they don't really see my face or hear my voice, you know, but whenever I go to, like, in person networking events, everyone also thinks I'm a college student or, you know, a lot younger than I am. And then I feel like they don't really take me seriously until they see my work. And then. Yeah, so similar issue where people always think I'm younger than I am, and it's just, like, I feel like it's becoming more and more of a problem.

[Jesse]

And you. I mean, you both just have young faces, and you're just. You're. You're sick of it. I. I understand Bailey's version of it a little more because it's like, everyone. Nobody thinks you work where you work, but I guess that's sort of what you have, too, Jesse.

[Connor]

Yeah, so, I mean, like, for me, I used to be the art director at USC for their athletic department. And so the incident with the intern was like, he. It was like fall break for the school, and he was there at the front desk. So when I walked in, his first, like, questions, like, oh, why are you here? And my first question is, like, why are you here? Like, it's fall break. Shouldn't you be at home? And he was like, he, yeah, but, like, shouldn't you be at home? And I was kind of like, well, I work here. Like, what do you mean? And then, yeah, he kind of, like. I kind of told him, you know, I'm married, I have two kids, you know, the whole thing. And his mind kind of, like, exploded, you know, and then at that point, I just, like, it hit me how often, you know, like, Security would stop me because they thought I was a student, you know, like at games or photo shoots or how other like student athletes, I was also a student with them. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so now that. Yeah.

[Jesse]

Okay, so we're seeing a picture of you, I believe, Jesse. Hold on here, let me get a better look at this here. Oh, yeah. You look very young. Wow. Well, okay. All right, so what we're looking at here is, Jesse, you have a hat, you have a hoodie, you have jeans, you have holes in your jeans. I mean, you look young to begin with, but you also look like you're dressed. Do you dress like this normally in the picture we're seeing?

[Connor]

Well, so this was my like attempt at dressing older.

[Jesse]

What?

[Connor]

Because I used to wear USC gear. I used to be in like USC gear all the time because that's where I worked, you know.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Connor]

And so part of it was like changing my wardrobe and I feel like that was like a step up from where I was before.

[Jesse]

Jake, looking at his wardrobe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're dressed like a 15. You're dressing like a 15 year old boy.

[Jesse]

Yeah. I don't know who's telling you what adults.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your knees cut out of your denim. You got your pants rolled up a little bit. You got green socks. You're wearing a hoodie and a baseball cap. How old?

[Jake Johnson]

I wish I'd seen his picture. I feel like I'm missing out here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll post it and blur out your face if you want. Jesse Bailey, how are you dressing? Well, that's you graduating. Do we have a photo of you that's not in a the day you graduated college?

[Jake Johnson]

But oh no, also that's the day I graduated my. With my PhD for. To help that out a little bit. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So congrats. So you guys both have kind of baby faces a little bit.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what the. Just to kind of catch up a little bit trying to figure out what is it? We could actually. What are your guys's pitches? What is your question officially, how we could help you?

[Jake Johnson]

My question is just what is, what is a better way for me to respond when people make those comments to me besides just kind of like laughing awkwardly?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That makes sense. And Jesse, how about you, bud?

[Connor]

Mine would be what are some things I can do to like look older?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse, for you it's easy. Jesse, put a suit and tie on.

[Jesse]

I, I got another add on to that too, Jesse. I mean, first of all, a suit and a tie is going to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A long way or even a button down and slacks.

[Jesse]

Anything I mean, look, you, you, you. Look at you with this one dimple too. You little cutie. You are fighting a battle here. You. You just. You look young.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the face doesn't look crazy young.

[Jesse]

It's pretty young. It. But you're not doing yourself any favor with no facial hair and. And dressing in Forever 21 gear. Jake's right.

[Connor]

I've. I've tried. I think, you know, I have like a baby face, baby voice. I'm five six, so, like, I already look small, you know, Jesse, you're legally a cutie.

[Jesse]

You're right.

[Connor]

I've tried the facial hair thing. My kids don't love it, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I get that.

[Connor]

Couldn't. Can't do that. I could try the wardrobe. Another wardrobe upgrade.

[Jesse]

Yeah. Yes. 100 wardrobe upgrade. And I'm gonna add on to that. What if we just do. What if you just dye the. The sides of your hair a little gray?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or how about even a pin that says I'm 31?

[Connor]

I could myself. A pin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because here's what I'm thinking, Jesse, at least for you, you like your style. Your style works. You look good. You're a nice looking guy. So you don't want to start wearing slacks and all that. You don't want to do facial hair. You're right that your voice sounds young. You're five six, you got a baby face. There's a lot that if I'm meeting you and you walk up to me and go, hi, I'm your counselor, I go like this. What is this, an internship? But if there's a pin that says I'm 31, I go, what does that mean? I'm 30? When you go, I know I look young. I'm 31. I go, great. Moving along now. I like you more. I think it's funny. I go, oh, that's funny. And you go, because I look really young and I got a baby face and I dress like this. I just want people to know I'm 31. Now we're out. It's out of the way.

[Jesse]

Yeah, there is some. I mean, it is. It's interesting. And maybe that's a way that makes it more interesting and just gets it out in the open so it doesn't bother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.

[Jesse]

If I were you, the first thing I would do is I would just age up the wardrobe a little bit. And if you find that it keeps happening. Yeah, I would wear something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm an adult.

[Jesse]

Yeah. I mean, foot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a legal adult.

[Jesse]

An intern.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not an intern or a badge.

[Jesse]

That says what you do there. Like, it's almost like an ID or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A hat that says in my 30s.

[Jesse]

Yep. I, I think some of it is just like probably going to be like a conversation starter. But I honestly, I'm almost relieved to see that what you're wearing in this picture is your attempt at looking older because, and I mean, aggressive way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, imagine what he's wearing when he's trying to look younger.

[Jesse]

I, I can't afford the, like a backpack and he's got like one of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those hats with the spinny thingy with the propeller.

[Jesse]

Short shorts. Waiting for the bus with the backpack around your big lollipop with a lolly just going like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Jesse, when you're hearing these thoughts, what are you thinking? Are we anywhere near a zone you're interested in? What do you think about?

[Connor]

I do like the pin and hat idea. I think wardrobe wise, I think this is my attempt at also being like a cool dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Connor]

So I feel like if that's like hindering me, it's definitely something I'll think about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, I think here's where we live with you, Jesse. And then we might need a follow up. Up is, as a rule at work, button down in slacks.

[Jesse]

Yep.

[Connor]

Okay.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think the button.

[Jesse]

You can still be cool dad. And I think maybe the button, you have the button. 31 and proud, something, you know, whatever. Like in my 30s that says a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Button that says I'm in my 30s is pretty good.

[Jesse]

Okay, that's kind of funny. Honestly, that is. I think that's just a way to get it out. And it is kind of funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A young looking guy with a pin that says I'm in my 30s is pretty funny.

[Jesse]

How long until I'm wearing a Jake? And you're like, buddy, stop. I emailed Jesse on the side. I'm like, order two of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How funny would it be if I were a pin that said I'm in my 30s? And Jesse goes, funny question mark. And then you go, all right, I want it for real.

[Jesse]

He doesn't think it's me. He's like, is this really Gareth?

[Connor]

Yeah.

[Jesse]

Where are you getting your pin? Let's make sure they're coordinated. Let's do this right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How amazing. Send it to me. I'll get a Brazilian butt wax.

[Jesse]

Keep signing it. Just so you guys know, on a previous call, I agreed to get a Brazilian butt wax. And it's all I'm thinking about. All right, Jesse, let's put a pin in you for a minute and put.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A pin on you.

[Jesse]

Let's put a pin on you and in you and. Okay. So, Bailey, your question is, is. What is a good retort for when people say this? Can you kind of just say what they're saying to you again? That is getting so frustrated.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, So I. And this is, you know, after months of being here. So, like, they know who I am by now. And I'll be walking into the building and somebody will say like, oh, I thought you were one of the students walking up. And then somebody else will be like, yeah, I can't believe you're one of the professors. You look so young and I've even had before. How are they taking you seriously? You look. You look like one of them and just. Just not having a.

[Paige]

That's.

[Jesse]

Tough. Do you teach in the same building for the most part, or are you all over?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the same building. When I'm at the dual enrollment sites, it's all the same building.

[Jesse]

And that's primarily where you work?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jesse]

Okay, how about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think of a huge lie, Bailey?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, a huge lie. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For example, they go like this. I can't believe you're one of the teachers. You look so young. And you go, I am young. I graduated high school when I was 9. I graduated undergraduate at 11. I graduated college college at 14, and I got my Ph.D. at 15. And you go, I'm 17 years old.

[Jake Johnson]

With that like a Doogie Howser situation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are a Doogie Howser. And you lean in that. By the way, their professor is a 17 year old girl.

[Jesse]

There's nothing that shows that you're older than you appear than knowing Doogie Howser at your age. Yeah. That is shitty, though, Bailey. I could understand how that could be a problem. I have. I have a couple pitches.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Jesse]

My first one is going to be maybe too much, but that's a space I like to play in. It's just going to be a sign that you either hang on your office or you hang on when people enter the building where you're teaching, which is a picture of you that says Bailey, 29. Yes, I'm 29. That's it. Something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jesse]

The second is I'm an idiot. You're teaching people, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jesse]

Okay. This is what you do. You get a bunch of shirts with your picture on it and says, Professor Bailey, 29, not a student. And you have them wear that for like a day in and out of your class.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Like a spirit day, but with my face.

[Jesse]

Yep, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could also. Do you teach out of One classroom.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could also get. You can also get a poster made.

[Jake Johnson]

To put on the door or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To put on the door, because the shirt would be good at first. But I mean, the tricky one with this one, Bailey. And I think what she's looking for, Gareth, is one liners.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because she's getting it not just in that classroom. So, Bailey, can you walk us through? What do they actually say to you, Gareth? Ub. Bailey. Okay, Bailey, just ask Gareth a bunch of different times how they say it to you. Let's see if any of these stick.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so wait, sorry, Gareth is me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that Gareth is you? You're one of the people who asks you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, okay. So he's what? He's walking in in the morning and I say, oh, it's you. I thought you were one of the students coming in.

[Jesse]

Oh, my God, that's so funny. You're so old. I thought you were retired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Go again. Daily go again.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it's you. Okay. I. I can't believe you're one of the teachers here. You know, you look like you're one of the students.

[Jesse]

I know. It's a disease, and I'm so tired of talking about it daily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go again.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe that it's you. You look. You look like you're 16.

[Jesse]

Oh, that's so nice, especially coming from an elder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bailey, go again.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I thought you were one of the students walking in this morning.

[Jesse]

I wish you were one of my students. I'd teach you tact.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ooh, Bailey, go again.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, hey, it's you. I thought you were one of your students.

[Jesse]

Oh, hey, it's you. I'm done having this conversation, Bailey, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got some options there. What do you like?

[Jake Johnson]

Those are some good. The disease one is funny because they'll probably never bring it up again out of fear.

[Paige]

Agree.

[Jake Johnson]

The tact one. The tact was a good comment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so now let's see.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, I also like. I also like what you said at the beginning, though, about just lying, saying, I'm 17 and going through my progression of my studies. I. I feel like I have a pretty good poker face. So I could. I could give that pretty straight face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so let's see this for a second. Gareth. Gareth, you're a student. Bailey. Gareth and I are going to each, one by one, be students to you or professors or whatever, and just see how you respond. Don't worry about it being perfect. We're just finding one that feels right for you. Gareth, you want to go first?

[Jesse]

Sure. Oh, hey. Oh, gosh. I can't believe you're a professor here. I swear to God, I've always thought of you as one of the students.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I am 17.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. Checkmate.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. But he's so weird. Oh, my God. You're a teacher. You look so young, dude. It's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, it's the disease. I. I will always look this young because I. I don't progress with age. It's the disease.

[Jesse]

Then you should call me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I literally then after that, going like, oh, man. Sorry. That sucked.

[Jesse]

Anyway, I also like the idea that you walk away as soon as you say it, and there can be some confusion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You literally just say, it's the disease and walk away.

[Jesse]

Yeah. Or you know what else you could say? I'm actually nine. I'm looking for my mommy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I wouldn't. But hold on, Bailey, you're kind of money in the bank here, so let's.

[Jesse]

Just go a couple more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Jesse]

Oh, hey. Oh, my God. You're a teacher. You look like one of the students here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me teach you some tact.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was scary. I. I would pull back on that one because you got. I. I would. I would. I think your other tones working a little bit better where it's fun and weird and mysterious. Maybe try on this one. Let's just hear, I'm nine, looking for mommy. Let's just see what happens. I'm gonna ask.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not sure I can say it with a baby voice. I'm not sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You live in your zone.

[Paige]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a teacher. You don't look like a teacher. You look like a student.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I'm not even a student. I'm nine. I'm looking for my mommy.

[Jesse]

I like that. How about this one? Try this one. I'm actually a witch, and you wink and walk away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You look like a kid. You look like a kid. You're a teacher.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm a witch. That seems scary, too. Not feeling that one.

[Jesse]

It's scary. What do you think about overall? Just some of those.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I think if I. If I felt less awkward and wasn't on the phone, I could probably do the. Do the disease one better.

[Jesse]

Here's what I would say. Are you. Do you live with anyone? Bailey?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, my husband and our son.

[Jesse]

All right, let's start practicing a little bit. So when you go. When you. When you and your husband are there, run through some of these and just start practicing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gr. Can I jump in for a second?

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're right. But we got her right here. So, Bailey, if you're comfortable. I'm definitely comfortable. Could we do a little game together?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you do the live thing? I'm gonna be the student and let you see how it plays out.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I will say, I was expecting. I was. When I said that earlier, I was expecting you to be, like, oh, 17, and then to keep going with that and not just have it in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I agree. So I was looking for. That's why I'm doing it, because you set us up and we're in a good zone. Let's just see how it works.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're the professor.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I am.

[Connor]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old are you? You look like a student.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I'm only 17.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're 17?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I'm kind of a prodigy. I finished high school when I was six. I went to college, graduated from UGA when I was nine, and then I finished my doctorate at 16. Just started here last year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You graduated college at six?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, like, well, no, I graduated high school at six.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not that good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jesse]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what it is to be a prodigy.

[Jesse]

Let me be Bailey for a second. Keep going, Jay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jesse]

I know. I honestly, I was gonna ask you because you look a little older for your age. If I give you 20 bucks, would you buy me some beer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Definitely. Will you give me an A if I buy you beer?

[Jesse]

I'm lucky Bailey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's honestly pretty good. Hey, Jesse, what do you think? About you doing the same thing.

[Connor]

Saying, I have a disease?

[Jesse]

Yeah, I think we know by his response.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's just try it. Gareth, you're a student. Jesse, you're you.

[Jesse]

I mean, I'll be an intern at your work, Jesse.

[Connor]

Okay.

[Jesse]

Man, I'm learning so much so fast here.

[Connor]

Yeah, I have a disease.

[Jesse]

No. Okay, I'll see you later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not yet, killer. Not yet, killer.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this?

[Jesse]

Hey, get ready for this however we get here. How long have you been interning here?

[Connor]

Oh, I actually work here.

[Jesse]

Oh, you do?

[Connor]

Like, it's my job. Yeah.

[Jesse]

Seriously, you look like you're younger than me.

[Connor]

Yeah, I have a disease.

[Jesse]

Oh, what is it?

[Connor]

It's like Reverse Benjamin Button or something. I don't know.

[Jesse]

Wouldn't that be better?

[Connor]

What should we call it? I don't have the name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Benjamin Button.

[Jesse]

I think you're. That means, like, a regular person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse, you're calling it Reverse Benjamin Button.

[Jesse]

Is the best way to say I'm getting older I've ever heard. I have a reverse Benjamin Button.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. I have reverse Benjamin. Jesse and Bailey, will you guys talk to each other and see what happens if one of you guys are together? You both look young, and then somebody walks up and asks you both why you look young. Ready? Oh, hey, Jesse. Hey, Bailey.

[Connor]

Hey, what's up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey. Whoa. You guys look so young. You guys are professors here?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we. We actually have this disease. We met in this support group.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bailey, you're on fire. Is that true, Jesse?

[Connor]

Yeah, that's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the disease called, Jesse?

[Connor]

It's called Reverse Benjamin Thy disease.

[Jesse]

Well, you know what? We should call it? Tortoise syndrome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tortoise syndrome. You can call it Tortoise syndrome or. Yeah, I think this is really nice. I think. Ben, Jesse, let's maybe lean in on the clothes for you. I'm a little bit worried about this. Live for you.

[Jesse]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Bailey, I think your money in the bank on the lie.

[Jesse]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, sounds good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you guys feeling?

[Jake Johnson]

I feel good. I feel ready to. Ready to try it out, Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where you at, big dog?

[Connor]

I feel good. I'll try. I'll try the new wardrobe and see how it goes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, let's just do something very unconventional because this is a very unconventional call. We've never had two callers with similar problems. Jesse and Bailey, will you guys talk to each other a little bit about how you think this call went and what you're going to do?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In three, two. Piggly and Mo.

[Connor]

How'd you think this call?

[Jake Johnson]

I think it. You know, I think it was. That threw me. I thought. I thought we were just continuing Piggly and Mo. I'm sorry. No, I think it went really good. Yeah, I feel like it was productive.

[Connor]

Nice. Me, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Jesse]

Okay. And experiment over. All right, you two. Hope we helped. And keep us posted. We would love a follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds good. Good luck with your Brazilian butt wax.

[Jesse]

Take care, Bailey. Hello.

[Paige]

Hello.

[Jesse]

Hi. Welcome back.

[Paige]

Yes, hello.

[Jesse]

Hi, welcome back. Can you tell us who you are and what your first call was, please?

[Paige]

Yes, my name is Paige. I'm calling from Chicago. And I had originally called about my boyfriend, White Astro Van, and he wanted to dress it up a little bit.

[Jesse]

Yes, we are so excited.

[Paige]

Yes, you should be. It turned out great.

[Jesse]

Okay, talk to us, because, Jake, we have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm very excited about this.

[Jesse]

We have seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Paige, talk to us about. Yeah, we'll put. Can we put the photos up now of it, too, Natalie?

[Jesse]

Yeah, I'll always look at it again. I have one note, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so what was his reaction when he got it?

[Paige]

He was very excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He.

[Paige]

We could not stop laughing. We looked at it for two hours straight and we're just cracking up. The wildest and best thing we've ever seen.

[Jesse]

It's shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Jesse]

So you had a white van that was creepy that you didn't feel comfortable having him drive near schools. And we paid a nice chunk of change to get this van wrapped in.

[Paige]

Worth every penny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. By the way.

[Jesse]

It. It's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's incred. And so has he been driving it around? Where is it parked? Where can people see it in Chicago. Oh, my God. I can't.

[Jesse]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Moves around.

[Paige]

We haven't.

[Jake Johnson]

Haven't even reached out to us about it yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Paige]

But we're waiting for, like, a post or. Does anyone know what's going on with this van? So I can get in there and say that's our van.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so where does it lit? It's just in Wrigleyville.

[Paige]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does he. Is it always parked in the back alley or can he ever do street parking on game days?

[Jesse]

Please say street.

[Paige]

He can do street parking. Yeah. He's got a sticker for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that'd be nice anytime you can. If you could just drive around Wrigley during game days.

[Jesse]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Waving and making videos.

[Jesse]

Honestly, I mean, it is so. It is so awesome. It's like.

[Paige]

It's so good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel the same way. Rob killed it. It's like.

[Jesse]

It's like the mystery. It's like the Scooby mystery van van.

[Paige]

Exactly. The colors are so bright. I feel like the kids won't be terrified. No.

[Jesse]

No. We're working on a future audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then if he ever gets bored of the van, let us know because we'll either buy it or we'll have somebody else buy it. This thing has now become his own life.

[Jesse]

100. Buy it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel the same way. I'll put it in my driveway.

[Jesse]

I will. 100. I will drive that around in an embarrassing fashion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you drove that when you were on a tour.

[Jesse]

Yes. That's exactly what I'm thinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thinking.

[Jesse]

It's sad and crazy. Just right. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it would be worth literally putting company money and making sure the engine's good.

[Jesse]

I I. Well, Jake looks in a. Connor fixed.

[Paige]

The AC in it today, so it's good for this heat in Chicago.

[Jesse]

Wow.

[Paige]

He was in there working on it today. So he got all the up for the call.

[Jesse]

This is a huge win. I mean, this is not a win for just you guys and We've really. But this for the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Community.

[Jesse]

For the community. Chicago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, for sure.

[Jesse]

And the one note is, obviously you put a Bears logo on me, which is strange, you know, but I'm so. I'm on such a high, nothing could take me down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Paige, how you feeling about everything? You called in, do a podcast with a little problem where. Yeah.

[Paige]

Yep. I feel like you guys really nailed it on the head. I think you had one pitch and it turned out perfectly.

[Jesse]

And it was Rob's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was it Rob's pitch?

[Jesse]

Yeah. Wasn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Was Rob's pitch.

[Jesse]

He's here.

[Rob]

It was my pitch.

[Jesse]

It was Rob.

[Paige]

Thank you, Rob. And thank you for working on this.

[Jesse]

It's. Well again. Yeah, we did a lot, too, but the. So you feel good, Paige? We would be ringing the bell if. If I had it behind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For sure. I'll answer for her for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Connor's there, too.

[Paige]

We should get a bell for the band.

[Jesse]

Oh, Connor's there. Yeah.

[Connor]

Hey, guys.

[Jesse]

Connor.

[Connor]

What's up?

[Jesse]

What's it like to have the best van in America?

[Connor]

It is turning heads, guys.

[Jesse]

Do you really feel crazy van? Do you really feel people looking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, you.

[Connor]

I went and I went and picked Paige up off of Southport, owned by Wrigley the other day, and people were stopping and they were just staring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what we're gonna see, actually, Connor, I want to make sure on the app where we get our analytics. I want to see if our Chicago numbers jump.

[Jesse]

That would be great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If they do, how funny would that be?

[Jesse]

It's so funny. We'd get a fleet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be so proud.

[Jesse]

Every major market.

[Gareth Reynolds]

100%. Yeah, it's 100%. Well, guys, we are glad you called in one thing.

[Jesse]

Yeah. I'm going to be in Chicago two different times in October. It would just mean the world to me if I could ride around in that van for a little bit and maybe take for a spin if you guys are down for that.

[Paige]

Please.

[Connor]

Of course, Please.

[Paige]

We'll drive you to. I'm assuming you're doing a show or something.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll drive you there.

[Jesse]

Well, you made. You made the show sound little and meek, but it's okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But by the way, if they drove you to the show and waited outside and the van afterwards when you left, you left out front with them. You get to the show and you guys all leave together. That's pretty good.

[Jesse]

I want to. I at least want to. I want to take a spin. So I'm going to reach out to you guys and I will be in that van maybe twice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, guys, we appreciate it. It's fun. This is a good.

[Jesse]

It's awesome. We're very happy.

[Connor]

No, you really hit it out of the park.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Connor]

Work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate you guys. Keep that on the street as much as you can, man.

[Jesse]

Yeah. No, don't hide it. Don't hide it. I won't.

[Connor]

It'll be out there in Addison.

[Paige]

She needs to be seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Jesse]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jesse]

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

[Paige]

Bye. Thanks, everyone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Have a good day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Rob]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Holland, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Jesse]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strlecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Connor]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Paige]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.