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Jake Johnson
This is a headgum podcast.
Gareth Reynolds
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Eric Alston
And we are back.
Roy Wood Jr.
Wow.
Eric Alston
With an intro. It's going to be a little different for you folks.
Natalie Hollis
A lot more fun.
Eric Alston
I'm here with the King himself, Eric Alston.
Roy Wood Jr.
Hi.
Natalie Hollis
We're here to help. I'm honored to be here.
Eric Alston
So Gareth is on the road. He's doing. Stand up, everybody. Go see him. Gareth reynolds.com. he is. He was driving from California to New York in one shot.
Natalie Hollis
What?
Eric Alston
Yeah. He's a. He's a lunatic.
Natalie Hollis
He's a real one. That's amazing.
Eric Alston
Today's episode, we have the unthinkable, unthinkably funny Roy Wood Jr. On.
Rebecca
Oh, I love him.
Natalie Hollis
Really?
James
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Yeah. He came on. He crushes it.
Susan
He's.
Natalie Hollis
Isn't he a legendary Cubs fan, too?
Eric Alston
You know, we didn't talk baseball at all, Buddy.
Natalie Hollis
I think he's a huge Cubs fan. He's a huge baseball guy. I know that. I think he might be a Cubs fan. Fun, fun for next time with him.
Eric Alston
Fun. Yeah. How was Neil diamond last night, King?
Natalie Hollis
It was an incredible effort from everyone. This guy Nick Fradiani that played Neil diamond was truly incredible. When he opened his mouth, started singing, I got emotional because I really weepy. I mean, definitely trying to hide it from.
James
Yeah.
Natalie Hollis
I love Neil Diamond. I never thought I'd be this guy. I got into him real late. Like 2012.
James
Yeah.
Natalie Hollis
But he was truly amazing. So I'm gonna focus on his incredible performance.
Eric Alston
Let me ask you a question. What do you. So Jen Greenbaum, Josh Greenbaum's wife, and Jen is in her own right, my buddy and Aaron's buddy. She loves Neil Tyband. Not even without any irony. She goes to the concert, she gets emotional. What is the thing with Neil D?
Natalie Hollis
I was shocked. It started with me. I was working on a cartoon and the director, the brilliant Lisa Schaefer, came in and she just looked at me and she's like, I just have to say this. I went last night. Whether you're going ironically or unironically doesn't matter. Neil diamond is one of the greatest shows ever. And I looked at her. I was never into him. I kind of viewed him like we all maybe did as a kid. And I'm like, really? She's like, just go. Because he's doing three more nights at the Greek. I went within a song and a half. I'd never seen anything like it. He is the closest thing I've seen to Elvis. He does get called the Jewish Elvis.
Eric Alston
You're saying that about everybody.
Natalie Hollis
No, I don't King. I.
Eric Alston
Who did you just say is Shaq is the closest thing we have to Elvis? I think you said that.
Natalie Hollis
All right, you're not wrong there, buddy. But. But that's in terms of Elvis personality, wise of pulling people, doing ride alongs.
Eric Alston
What did we just do yesterday?
Natalie Hollis
We went test drove Cadillac, who was in the back. Well, total legend. Yeah.
Eric Alston
What did we think of those Caddies?
Natalie Hollis
We loved them.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
Natalie Hollis
I mean, we loved them. So it's like an electric Cadillac. And I wanted you behind the wheel because it's electric Tony Soprano car. So, Eric, it's so fun.
Eric Alston
My lease is running up in October and I've been talking about a new car. And if you. If you're lucky enough to know Eric in life, he's your go to guy for everything. So with Eric, I've been saying, like, I gotta figure something out here. You know, I've kind of gone unexcited in cards. So, Eric, when I first moved to la, had a convertible that you won on a game show. I don't know if we talked about that in the first one. We might have.
Natalie Hollis
No, I won the chair with John McEnroe. And John McEnroe changed my life forever because I actually won the least of anybody on the chair that day. So basically, the show is called the Chair, and they measure your heart rate when you're calm. And then the idea is your heart rate's going, and then they're gonna do things to stress you out. And you have to answer trivia questions while keeping your heart rate low.
Eric Alston
Okay.
Natalie Hollis
And it was Hosted by John McEnroe and his whole thing was fucking with people, right? Trying to, like, get them stressed, and who better? He was amazing.
Eric Alston
The King.
Natalie Hollis
Yeah. So I was at the time working at Starbucks, and I started doing a game show circuit, and then I ended up on the show called the Chair.
Eric Alston
What does that mean? What does that mean? The circ.
Jake Johnson
Oh.
Natalie Hollis
I did a ton of game shows. I actually ended up not being able to do anymore because I was on so many.
Eric Alston
How many did you do? This is new information.
Natalie Hollis
Oh, yeah, I did, like, five or six. I did beat the geeks. I did one where you can fall through a trap door. Yeah, I did. I did a whole. Yeah, I did a whole bunch of them. And, like, the corniest thing with Macaroo, like, he was so goddamn cool. And then the whole thing, like, my mantra was, they can't really hurt you. They can't really hurt you. They can't really hurt you.
Eric Alston
Smart.
Natalie Hollis
So I was at, like, $20,000, and the whole thing is, I answer the question, corre. And then it's keeping the heart rate low, so I just went very inward. And then I'm like, they can't hurt you. They can't hurt you. And then all of a sudden, I felt a searing pain on my chest because they had a medieval giant mace that was probably 10ft around shooting sparks, trying to stress me out and get my heart rate to go up. And then I look down, and my shirt is on fire. And this was a cheap, cheap, big and tall shirt. My shirt is on fire. And I just quickly looked down, felt the pain, put it out, and then just concentrate and keep. But then McEnroe was, hey, hey, stop filming. And you're not allowed to film. And they go, we can't, John. We can't. He's like, he's on fire. And I'm like, I'm okay. He's like, eric, are you okay? I'm like, yes, sir. I'm okay. He's like, that's amazing because you just won $25,000. And he's like, what about your shirt? I'm like, I'll just go to big and tall. John, we're great. And I ended up walking away with $33,900, which is actually the least anybody of the winners won that day. And then at the very end, a PA came in and said, there's a group of all the winners. Said, hey, Eric, John would like to meet you. And the person that just won 250,000 was like, well, do we get to meet him? And, like, he asked for Eric So I walk back there and he's in his room. I'm completely shell shocked and starstruck. He's drinking a Heineken. He's like, you want a beer? I'm like, yes, sir. So he hands me a Heineken.
Eric Alston
How fast did you drink that beer? At that age of. Eric, did you do the weird jaw thing where you just chucked Nervousness?
Natalie Hollis
Ye. Why not? Just get it in as quick as we can. And this is why I don't drink today, friends. But McEnroe then grabs a tennis ball, signs it for me, throws it to me. And then on the show, they played up that I worked at Starbucks. And he's like, you don't work at Starbucks. And he's like, you're an actor. And I'm like, Mr. McEnroe, if you come to Starbucks in Highland and Franklin Tomorrow at 6:30, I will be there and I'd be thrilled to give you as many pastries as you want. And then he's like, well, he's like, you're good. You have that thing. He's like, just hang on. Keep. Keep going. And Jake, I didn't have a ton of confidence moving down here. Someone like John McEnroe saying that to me gave me wings. And I couldn't. Couldn't believe it. And it meant the world to me.
Eric Alston
So, Eric, we hang out all the time, correct?
Natalie Hollis
Correct.
Eric Alston
We text every day. Yeah, I've heard this McEnroe story a lot. I just worked with John in the Dink. Yeah, you said thank him for me because he gave me the boost of confidence that I needed.
James
Right?
Rebecca
Yeah.
Eric Alston
This is the first time I've ever heard part of the story that your shirt was literally on fire. We got to find said, stop filming. That is burying the lead, my king. I'm not going to say to John McEnroe, do you remember my friend? You said he's very talented, but you'd go like this. All right, I'm here to say my line. Get the fuck away from me. If I said, do you remember on a game show there was a guy who had a big and tall shirt that caught on fire and you stopped filming? He would go, yes. How is the part that is remembered, the compliment that you have it.
Natalie Hollis
Are you really asking? That was fueling my tank. I didn't care about the shirt. The money was great. I did work at Starbucks the next day. But Johnny McEnroe saying that to me, I'm like, I'm. I might have it.
Eric Alston
You have it.
Roy Wood Jr.
King.
Eric Alston
But then you use. Then you bought an old Sebring convertible.
Natalie Hollis
Yeah. With a salvage title.
Eric Alston
Yes. But that was. That was the car when I moved to LA and we became buddies. I'm not a car guy, so I've been obviously going to my go to guy Eric. And Eric said, let's do Cadillacs. We get in this Caddy. And that escalated. The real car I like a lot. And Armin's in the back and we have a true king in the back of the car. Just saying. Google play me. And I was like, his timing was just the best.
Natalie Hollis
Oh, he knew what he was doing.
Eric Alston
He knew what he was doing. And funny. He had a comedic rhythm to him.
Natalie Hollis
He did. He did.
Eric Alston
So e. I were both. He also called us old guys. He did.
Natalie Hollis
Sobering. Sobering.
Eric Alston
He said. He said when we all get to a certain age. And Eric and I were shocked. Shocked.
Natalie Hollis
We're not. We're in tie dye and flip flops, friend. You mean our dads are you. We're of the people. Are you kidding?
Eric Alston
Kids love us.
Natalie Hollis
Nope. Shocking bald spots. Undefeated for making conclusions.
Eric Alston
Why do you think I don't want a convertible?
Natalie Hollis
Oh, man.
Eric Alston
I don't want the glare on the back of my head.
Natalie Hollis
It's so sobering. Going to a baseball game now and just lathering in sunscreen on my bald spot.
Eric Alston
It's just the worst.
Natalie Hollis
The worst, man.
Eric Alston
But. So we start driving and Eric starts blasting the theme song from Sopranos on his phone. We're driving around this the Dana in a huge Escalade with Harvard back listening to the theme of Sopranos. And it was just one of those true, great life moments.
Natalie Hollis
I. I loved it. I mean, it felt like a giant electric Cadillac. It was so. I. I felt a little like Elvis, too.
Eric Alston
Me too. All right, so let's give a shout out to. So the Rudy Garcia, who has been now my trainer since Jiu Jitsu days, who has entered the team and then he started training Eric. Eric's going back to him tomorrow. Yeah.
Natalie Hollis
Yeah. I've never had a trainer like this in my life. I've never had a workout thing. He's just, you know, one of those geniuses. He just knows the body so well. And you have maybe an expectation of what it's going to look like working out with a black belt that could destroy my whole neighborhood if he wanted to. But instead he just really builds up slowly with intention. And I'm so grateful. It's weird to be 48 and I've never felt better.
Eric Alston
Yeah. And so he's now training my wife. He's training now Morgan. There's rumblings that Nat Attack might do something with Morgan with him. So he's deeply ingrained in the team. We don't make any money on this. We are not part of it. There's no cut we're getting. We just want to bring it to the community. If you're interested in training with him, he's doing Zoom stuff. Check out his website. GFIT Trainer, are you sick and tired.
Natalie Hollis
Of being sick and tired? Ladies, gentlemen themselves. Let's cut this. Let's restart this. Cut that. Natalie, are you tired? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Well, there's a new holistic, badass way to get in shape and get in shape now. Rudy Garcia at gfit.training a new you starts tomorrow.
Eric Alston
Pretty good. He's also doing it on Zoom. Guys, everybody enjoy the show. And that's it. Oh, also, we're doing more. We're here to chats. Volume three is coming up with the King and Bergman. We're having a lot of fun. We've gotten all the emails and all the comments and let's go. So you want to give us in your announcer voice. Without further ado, Eric.
Natalie Hollis
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it's Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. We're here to help.
Eric Alston
This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hulu. Make it a New Girl Summer on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus this summer, folks, it's time to watch New Girl on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. There's nothing like going back to the beginning and seeing Jess and old Nick meet for the first time, watching Schmidt chase after Cece and laughing along with coaches and Winston's shenanigans. And then go back to this show and listen to all the episodes where they're on it because they're on this podcast and they're on a new girl on Hulu. And just about every guest star is here, too. All the laughs, all the hijinks and all the fun, they're all waiting for you to stream. So make it a new girl summer stream on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus Make it a New Girl Summer streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. This episode is brought to you by Hulu animehem Picture a magnet attracting all your favorite animated shows. That's Hulu animehem, your animation destination.
James
You can catch all the shenanigans on classics like the Simpsons, Futurama, American dad, and many Many more. Hulu animehem is your animation destination stream now on Hulu.
Eric Alston
On Disney plus for Hulu and Bundle subscribers. Terms apply and we are brought to.
James
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James
Hello.
Jake Johnson
Hello.
James
Hi. How are you?
Jake Johnson
Good. How are you?
James
Good. Welcome to. We're here to help. Can we get your name, rough age and where you're calling from?
Jake Johnson
Yes, my name is Rebecca. I am 30 and I'm calling from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
James
Okay, Baton Rouge and Rebecca, we're just going to jump in because you have Jake, you have me, and you also have a guest helper for this call. Very excited to have the Great Roy Wood Jr also here. Yes, thank you.
Eric Alston
Oh, wow.
James
Yeah. Impressive, right, Rebecca?
Jake Johnson
Absolutely.
James
Okay, so a lot of pressure. So why don't you start by just telling us what's going on and what the three of us can help you with.
Jake Johnson
All right, so I'm calling in because my family has a little bit of a relationship issue, but it's actually a relationship between my father in law and about nine raccoons.
James
Your father in law has a weird relationship with some raccoons. Okay.
Roy Wood Jr.
Okay.
James
Yeah, Good setup.
Jake Johnson
The question is just so that we can have that out of the way is how to set up. It's just a boundary question. You know how couples therapy goes. So it's a question of how to establish boundaries with the raccoons. It's been going on since 2016, but it was a slow start.
James
What's been going on? He.
Roy Wood Jr.
Is he feeding them? Is he fucking these raccoons? What's happening?
James
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
So essentially in 2016, one raccoon started visiting my in laws home and his name was Scrawny.
James
Okay. You know, it's good when you're like. It started in 2016 with one raccoon.
Susan
Absolutely.
James
Okay. Scrawny.
Jake Johnson
Scrawny came to visit. Yes. And Scrawny was a kleptomaniac. And so Scrawny would kind of sit in the tree and just kind of watch eerily at the porch. And then eventually Scrawny stole my mother in law's beautiful candle that she'd gotten from Tuesday morning. Just ran off with it in broad daylight. And that's when Scrawny kind of earned some surveillance. People started kind of, you know, narrating what scrawny was up to and everything. And a few years later, there was a beautiful raccoon who joined Scrawny named baby face. And baby face joined the party during a big heat wave in Louisiana. And so everyone just kind of fell for her, the whole family. She was just absolutely gorgeous. They were a cute couple. And so my father in law was afraid they were getting overheated and he started providing them kiddie pools in the summer.
James
Okay.
Jake Johnson
So he started feeding them and providing them with some kiddie pools and then multiple kitty pools. Yes, multiple kiddie pools. And their favorite snacks.
Susan
So some fruit loop.
Eric Alston
Jesus Christ.
Jake Johnson
A favorite watermelon cookies.
Roy Wood Jr.
Delta one lounge. What the is this?
James
Yeah, it's like a picnic.
Jake Johnson
It is like a Delta one lounge, for sure.
James
I have some photo, some videos.
Eric Alston
Let's see the photos. Let's see everything.
Roy Wood Jr.
Oh, Scrawny.
James
Scrawny face. Baby face. 2016.
Roy Wood Jr.
Of course. I just want to get to the part where they have kids. Hits the heads of their kids.
Jake Johnson
Okay. Actually, that's what happened next.
Eric Alston
That's.
Jake Johnson
That's the next part of the story is that you can't be in the.
Roy Wood Jr.
Pool with a bad and not going on hit that.
Jake Johnson
That is true.
Eric Alston
You got Fruit Loops.
James
The evolution.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
James
Okay, we're seeing some. Oh, wait, hold on. Let us see this video real quick of one of the raccoons.
Susan
Okay.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
James
Crushing the watermelon.
Roy Wood Jr.
Nibbling on some watermelon.
Eric Alston
Okay.
Roy Wood Jr.
He's deep on the porch. No fear.
Eric Alston
No.
James
Yeah, he is. Really?
Eric Alston
Okay, so is that. Are we watching Scrawny or is that baby face?
Jake Johnson
Do you know, I can't see the video, but I think that's baby face.
Eric Alston
Okay. Oh, they go right by the pool too. Okay. They go swimming in your pool?
Jake Johnson
Well, they have gotten in the pool before, but it's not commonplace. They only did that really one time. That was kind of a lesson learned.
Eric Alston
Okay, so the whole family loves them. I'm hearing like, oh, little baby.
James
Yeah. Everyone's excited.
Jake Johnson
Yes, everyone's excited.
James
Oh my God.
Eric Alston
You have little dog bowls for them. Oh, that's the pool too.
Jake Johnson
Yes. Yeah.
James
They're eating out of your hands.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. So my father in law started hand feeding them.
James
I mean, hand feed, like literally just.
Eric Alston
This is bad.
James
Handing them food and they're eating it right out of his fingers. Right near the baby pool. Jesus Christ. In this last one, we got three of them in a tray.
Rebecca
Yeah.
Roy Wood Jr.
Is this some kitty litter box?
Jake Johnson
Yeah, I believe that one's a cat litter box.
Eric Alston
Yeah, yeah, right. All right, all right. So we, I mean, we got a raccoon problem, but Jake, you keep trying.
James
To move on, but the videos keep coming. Now they're eating the Froot Loops out of the goddamn hands on the driveway.
Eric Alston
Well, I wouldn't say the videos are heightening though, would you? They're just all the same videos. I mean, we can watch 40 videos of a raccoon eating Froot Loops out of someone's hand. I don't think we're learning anything else. First of all, you can't feed. You feed a. If you hand feed a wild animal, it's terrible for the wild animal because then one of those animals is going to go up to another person, try to eat out of their hands. So Rebecca, this is your father in law. He does this. What does the rest of the family think of this behavior? Yes.
Jake Johnson
So at this point, for a lot of these videos, they're a little bit older. Everyone was actually okay with it. We really loved the raccoons and they kind of just were mostly in the back porch area. Like they would come up to the back porch and they would honestly kind of knock on the window a little bit to gain attention and then they would come out and be fed. The issue actually comes as with guests that baby face got pregnant and she introduced her toddlers, her three toddlers to the family.
James
Introduce. The terms you're using are troubling. Keep going. Sorry.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. At that point everyone became concerned about her nutrition naturally that she wasn't getting nutritious food. And so my father in law started supplementing with some cat food because, you know, it had vitamins and stuff, protein. And after that, a bunch of raccoons started coming. Some that were not these two lovable raccoons.
Eric Alston
Well, how the hell are they going to determine that? Of course they're coming. No, I mean the raccoon community. What are they going to go? That's baby faces food. They're scavengers.
James
Yeah. You've made a raccoon Santa.
Jake Johnson
So at this point there's nine raccoons and now there's warring kind of groups, kind of west side story situation.
Rebecca
Yeah.
Roy Wood Jr.
Because they're fighting over the top turf of the Delta One Lounge.
Eric Alston
Oh my God.
James
100%.
Eric Alston
Okay.
Jake Johnson
So yes. That's not really even the end though, because at that point it was still manageable. The issue comes with the fact that now they're. They're camping out in the garage and for this.
Eric Alston
Hold on, what does that mean? They're camping out in the garage? How'd they get in the garage?
Jake Johnson
For this I've got to hand off the phone to my mother in law, Susan, who's here with me because she's on the front lines. You know, I live 30 minutes away and I just come and I come and go as I please. I'm not living this scenario, Lord. But my mother in law is. Is there and, and she's here to share kind of when they invaded the house.
James
Oh my Lord.
Jake Johnson
And so if you're okay with it, I'm going to hand off the phone at this point.
I
Hi.
James
Hi. Welcome to.
I
My name is Susan.
James
Hi, Susan, you're on with Jake Johnson. I'm Gareth Reynolds. And Roy Wood Jr. Is also here to judge and hopefully fix your what we could only call invasion.
Eric Alston
Hey, Susan, could you jump in a little bit? Can I ask a couple of questions?
I
Of course.
Eric Alston
What's your husband's name, Susan?
I
James.
Eric Alston
James. And James started feeding these raccoons a couple years ago.
I
Yes, it started with the one, you know, scrawny. We named him Scrawny because it was the ugliest Little raccoon you could ever see. And it had a terrible scrawny tail.
Eric Alston
Yeah. And then that led to Baby Face, and then Baby Face had some kids. Yeah. And you were hand feeding them Fruit Loops and everything.
I
Yeah, Fruit Loops and, you know, vanilla cream cookies and watermelon.
Eric Alston
Seems like. And when you were doing that, Susan, what did you think was going to happen with the neighborhood raccoons? What was your guess?
I
Well, he was doing the hand feeding more than me. I just looked, looked, would look and watch. And we have a lot of walkers. We have a lot of walkers in our neighborhood. So I'm sure most of our neighborhoods can. I know the neighbors can see this going on because it's right in the driveway in the front. And they have to think. Yes. And so they must think we're a bunch of dysfunctional people.
James
Yeah, they do.
I
I'm certain. I'm certain they do, because one lady actually came up and asked us about that. Were you feeding cats? My daughter insists that one lady came up and she said, my daughter insists you're feeding raccoons, but I'm sure they're cats. Right.
Roy Wood Jr.
Intervention.
I
I'm sorry. Hell, no.
Rebecca
Yeah.
I
I was waiting for the, you know, the people to come in, the animal control people come to our house because as of right now, there are now nine babies. And all the babies used to. Nine individual toddler babies this spring.
James
Oh, my God.
I
And they all plan together, which is unusual. They used to stick with their moms. The moms teach them how to come, and then they do their stuff. But you see, my bottom line is I was knowing this wasn't right. First of all, you know, they don't have rabies. I don't believe that. And they don't. But they do carry germs and all sorts of bacteria. So what got me night was kind of the. What I thought would be the finalization of this situation. I sleep in a different room than my husband. Yes, we do. That's dysfunctional also, but we do that.
Roy Wood Jr.
Snores.
James
Yeah.
I
Yeah, we both do. Yeah. And so I sleep the bedroom over the garage. So one night I hear this terrific noise in the garage, like something was just being thrown all against the walls.
Natalie Hollis
And.
I
And I'm thinking, I don't know if somebody breaking in or what. And I got up and tried to get my husband up, and he's just completely out of it. And so I grabbed the gun because, you know, we live in Louisiana, and that's what we do. I grabbed the gun to go to the door that leads to the garage. And no sooner I open that freaking door, and we're face to face. We're face on face like that freaking freaked. So I'm combination of freak and scared and freaked and angry that my. My husband allowed this to happen with his dysfunctional situation. Dysfunctional. Taking care of these freaking animals.
Eric Alston
Keep going, Susan. Just keep going.
I
I ran into the. The laundry room. I closed the door as quick as I can. The laundry door room was right there, so I had to. A broom. So I figured out, I'll get it out. I'll quickly press the button in the garage, and it'll run away, of course. Well, no, it did not run away. It got up on the top shelf and was. Was hissing at me.
Eric Alston
And this was baby face.
I
No, this was another one. Just one of the other random ones that now live there in our house, in our household. I feel like it's in our household because this is in our living space. All this is happening. And I had to take the broom, and I was trying to broom down. He didn't want to get down off that shelves. He just. And I kept brooming and brooming and brooming until finally got him to go out the door. But this is at 1:30 in the morning when you're sleeping, thinking somebody's breaking into your house.
James
Someone is, yes.
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah.
I
There was serious anger. And I had decided at that point this was going to be over. My husband was going to have to get over the fact that he's not going to be able to have his raccoons.
James
Okay.
I
I had the serious conversation with them the next morning, and then he said, okay, all right. I'm like, look, if you want to feed them, see, where they come from is our house backs up to the wetland slash woodlands, and that's where they come from. You can see them when they come. They come from out of there, and they walk all the way through, over our patio, through our garden, over to our driveway. And now they have a group that comes to the front porch, too. This is all happening during the daytime. Bright, bright daytime. And so really, it's completely out of control. And my. My idea was, look, if you want to feed them, all you have to do is feed them right there by the wetlands, by the wooded area, not in our living space.
Eric Alston
Okay. What do you say to that?
Roy Wood Jr.
Let me. Let me just tell you right now, y' all gotta stop feeding these animals, period. There's. There's no boundaries. They don't have boundaries. They're wild creatures, and they're just gonna impose and impose and Impose. You're a free lick. I don't have to go in a trash can. I don't have to catch larvae. Possums are on the way next and everybody gonna be sucking and in your garage. I don't. I don't know what's. Straight orgy already. And like, I don't know if raccoons are like mice where they have simplistic DNA where like the sister can the brother and then the brother can them.
I
So, yeah, they're all a bunch of.
Rebecca
Yeah.
Roy Wood Jr.
You know, you gotta trap them all and relocate them. I don't even know these. These boys have been domesticated.
I
Like severely domesticated. They don't even run from us. In other words, you open the garage door to go out into the garage. They just sit there. They're in the bags that my husband fed Fruit Loops.
James
Yeah. Why would they.
I
I know.
James
Yeah.
Eric Alston
One question for you, Roy. Roy, one question for you. You said they're all going to be sucking and you think they're going to suck each other. Why is a raccoon sucking another raccoon?
Jake Johnson
It's true.
I
These are freaking having sex and everything else together.
Eric Alston
No, Susan, I know that, but they're not 69.
James
They might be 69ing. I've never seen a raccoon blowjob right now.
I
I don't know if they've been doing that. Yeah, they could. You never know.
Roy Wood Jr.
I haven't been to that part of pornhub. I'm sure it's there.
Eric Alston
Everything is there.
James
I mean, this is so.
Eric Alston
Rebecca, what is the. This is a wild setup.
James
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Going to be right. But what is the specific question we could try to help you with?
I
I'm. I'll move you to Rebecca then.
Eric Alston
Thanks.
I
Thanks.
James
Thank you. Thank you.
Eric Alston
Susan. Susan.
James
What a great way to meet someone.
Eric Alston
What a cameo.
James
What a cameo. Rebecca.
Eric Alston
That's wild stuff. What is the question today we can help you with?
Jake Johnson
Well, the question was to set boundaries with the raccoons, but it sounds like you guys don't think that's possible. We were thinking of.
Eric Alston
Do you?
Jake Johnson
Well, my father in law is the feeder, so how does that convince him to maybe feed them by the wetlands or how to train these raccoons that this is no longer where they're being fed.
Roy Wood Jr.
Could be a way that's an amicable. Just lay a food trap in the forest. You're still going to attract all other types of shit that are gonna come sniffing around. It's like in. This is a terrible analogy, but close. In Alaska, certain cities have expanded and the polar bears, because of global warming and blah, blah, blah, come into town, and the polar bears have gotten so good with it. They know what day trash day is based on the sense of the garbage sitting out on the curb. So garbage day is like one of the most dangerous days around some of these Alaskan towns. So you're just attracting more to you. I don't know if. And then. And. And now, all jokes aside, you're eventually going to get into issues where they're going to start chewing and on. On stuff. We had squirrels in our wall in Birmingham, like, incessantly for nine years to just live between the drywall and the brick. They figured out a way to burrow in and under the roof, but through that spacing, they would non. And electrocute themselves and stank up the house for two months with dead body carcass. So you. You could get into a situation where this could cause a fire. Like, you could lose. So I think maybe leverage with them like that. But I think.
James
What did you. When you had that problem growing up, Roy? What did you do? Was there anything.
Roy Wood Jr.
We poisoned the squirrels.
James
Okay.
Roy Wood Jr.
Now, the peewee here's the problem with poisoning squirrels who live in your walls is that the poison don't work right away.
James
Yeah.
Roy Wood Jr.
So they would eat the poison and then die in the walls, and they started stanking. So we switched to BB guns and air rifles. I had a Remington. I was on rifle team in high school. I was a decent shot. So, you know, I wouldn't recommend that now here.
Jake Johnson
I don't think we're necessarily looking to. To kill the raccoons. I mean, we definitely all love them.
James
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
So we're not looking to do that.
James
I don't even know if we're pitching that, Rebecca, but I think.
Roy Wood Jr.
No, I'm not.
Eric Alston
Not.
James
No. What we're saying, though, is that we are very deep in this problem because the idea of trying to relocate them like they already have. They're already in the Delta Lounge. Why are they going to sit at the gate like.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Hey, Rebecca, can I ask a favor?
Jake Johnson
Of course.
Eric Alston
Is James around?
Jake Johnson
He is.
Eric Alston
Can we get that wild man on the phone?
I
Wow.
James
I'm gonna be Star Solutions.
Susan
I guess so.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
James
Okay.
Roy Wood Jr.
I'm not gonna.
Eric Alston
No, we're not gonna.
Roy Wood Jr.
I got a legit solution, boys.
I
All right.
Jake Johnson
I'm gonna pass it off. Okay.
Eric Alston
Okay.
I
You tell the truth.
James
This is really.
Eric Alston
You tell the truth.
Roy Wood Jr.
Did you hear Susan?
James
The truth.
Eric Alston
That's a great moment.
Rebecca
Okay, hold on. I wanted it on speaker. It's okay.
Eric Alston
All right. All I can hear is, hey, James, can you hear us talk?
Rebecca
And I don't what you're saying, though.
Eric Alston
Hey, James, can you hear us?
Rebecca
Yeah, I can hear you.
Eric Alston
What's Susan yelling at you? What's she saying?
Rebecca
Oh, well, she's pissed off at me. You know, I. I feed them and I know it's my fault, but what.
Roy Wood Jr.
Do you get out of it? Like, do y' all have. Clearly, y' all don't have pets because the raccoons would have smelled them and not really been around.
Rebecca
Well. Well, we got cats. Yeah, we have two cats. But they don't care. They don't care about anything. They. You know, I can. It's gotten to the point where they just help themselves. They come in the garage and run them off, and they just run to the truck, turn around there, come right back.
Roy Wood Jr.
And then you go out and you look at the phones and kind of. You just kind of observe them, right? You just kind of, like, look at them through the window and go.
Rebecca
Oh, no, no, no, no. They come up to me. I mean, I hand feed them and basically, you know, I go out there and talk on the phone or whatever. They come up to me and. But, yeah, okay. One of the things, you know, they got little ones, you know, little toddlers, and they're. They're real cute and, you know, sit there and, you know, you can see how the mother. Mother's training them and stuff like that. But it's. It's my fault. I know it. I know it.
Eric Alston
But hold on, James. What would you like to have different here? Do you have a question? Do you have a problem or are you happy with the situation?
Rebecca
Oh, well, no. Well, no. I mean, I guess my only problem is I'm almost. Yeah. They're in the garage. I want them out of the garage. I gotta probably go down and feed them behind the pond or something. I don't know. Get them out of the. Yeah, get them out of the area. But I think it just becomes so. So blatant that they don't give a. About anything. They come right up to the door. They come. You know, you never gave them a reason to.
Roy Wood Jr.
They're never gonna leave. I think if you move the food.
Rebecca
Move the food.
Roy Wood Jr.
It'll take time. Go out to the forest, have your one hour of time with the raccoons. Have you looked into. Have you looked into nature cams, James?
Rebecca
Oh, yeah, I gotta. I got them. You talking about, like, deer cameras?
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, deer cameras or whatever, like scout camera, wildlife camera, whatever. Mount a couple of those Boost your WI fi.
Eric Alston
He doesn't want to watch my video. He likes them. There's. There's buddies. Yeah, he likes to feed him.
Rebecca
Buddies. But I guess. I guess everybody else has a little issue with them. I mean, I do. You know, I'll buy them, you know, cookies and stuff like that, and they.
Eric Alston
Like, you know, she.
Rebecca
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Eric Alston
James, you ever dress up the baby babies?
Rebecca
I'd love to, but no. No, they. I think there's about nine of them now.
James
Okay.
Rebecca
Yeah, I think there's about nine of them now.
James
All right, hold on.
Eric Alston
Dress them up as you can be honest.
Rebecca
Put them in little caps, put a little cap on them.
Eric Alston
Make them little burglars.
James
They are.
Rebecca
That would be perfect.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
Rebecca
I mean, they all look the same, you know, so you never tell which one's what.
Roy Wood Jr.
I just. I'm concerned if you catch one, if one of them gets rabies out there, brother, and it starts spreading through the whole group or pa, then, well, you know what situation. Animal Control's going have to take him away anyway.
Eric Alston
I got a pitch, James. I got a pitch.
Rebecca
Okay.
Eric Alston
You got land that. Is it your land that goes to the lake.
James
I think we're about to have the same pitch.
Rebecca
No, I mean, we have. We have. I mean, we. We live on three acres, but this is perfect space.
James
Yeah, this is perfect.
Eric Alston
Here's my pitch. I want you to build them a little raccoon house. And I want it to be. I want it to be as far from your main house as possible. But I want that raccoon house, James. I want it to have multi floors. I wanted to have different entrances and exits. I want you to get little seats in there. There, you put food all around, like little, like, gerbil things. They gotta work for food. There's no food around the house, but, yeah, a little beer fridge. And one side, you just do glass so you can see in and out. But you create. And look. If they battle, James, they battle.
Rebecca
Well, you know. You know what's ironic? I wanted to kill them all because I had. I wanted to kill them all at first a couple years ago because. Yeah, because.
James
You mean in 2016.
Rebecca
Huh? When did you want to kill him? 16? Yeah. Yeah, probably 2012. 13 or so.
James
Right.
Eric Alston
I had my.
Rebecca
I had chickens in the back, and I shoot, I had four to five dead cage, you know, the. The coop. And I mean, I had chain all going around it. I had that thing so secure. And anyway, they ended up killing 11, 13 of my chick chickens, you know. You know, I was on. I Was on a war path, but I didn't get any after that. But then I just kind of turned into. It's like, okay, well, they beat me at that. So I do have an area in the back that I could do that with.
James
James, I think they made that. I think Jake's right. I recently experienced my first catio, which was a little area for five cats at my friend's house to hang out and play. And it was catered all towards cats. And I think you could have a nice project building a raccoon cave far away. You're doing the slow relocation. That's now where the Fruit Loops are. That's where you'll be hanging out and.
Eric Alston
Handing out the chicken coop that you already have.
Rebecca
That's right. That's right. That's what I'm saying. It's dual purpose now. They done killed all my chickens, and now I can use it for their. You know, it's kind of ironic.
Eric Alston
Let them move in.
Rebecca
Yeah, I could definitely. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah.
James
Well, hang some posters up. You feel good with this idea, James?
Rebecca
I think it's a good idea.
James
Okay. Can we. Can we maybe talk to. Can we talk to Rebecca again so we can just kind of float this up the chain of the family?
Rebecca
Absolutely. Absolutely. Hold on a second.
James
Way to go, buddy.
Eric Alston
You too.
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, he's all right. He's a reasonable guy.
Eric Alston
I agree.
James
Yeah, I mean, you know. Hello, Within. Yeah. Hi, Rebecca. Welcome back. So we just talked to James. We basically pitched him an area that he builds the chicken coop that he kind of revamps for the raccoons. It gives him a project. That's where the Fruit Loops are.
Eric Alston
You guys could all do it as a family.
James
It feels like perfect, but. Yeah.
Eric Alston
And then you. The rule is if anybody feeds the raccoon around the house, you call animal services and get rid of of them.
Jake Johnson
Oh, my goodness. Okay. I think this could work. I really do.
James
How does Susan.
Jake Johnson
I think this is a great idea.
Eric Alston
Okay, what do you want?
Jake Johnson
Do you want to hear her opinion on it?
Eric Alston
Susan's wild ass on the phone.
Jake Johnson
I will put Susan on. Okay, I will.
James
She's the one.
Roy Wood Jr.
It's like being a mediator. I don't care about Susan's opinion. We found some. James.
Natalie Hollis
Agree.
Rebecca
Right?
I
That's all I need. Yeah.
Eric Alston
Susan, walk us through what you've heard, what you're thinking, Take over a little bit.
I
But what we're hearing right now. Yeah, yeah, I think it's ideal. We need to get them away from the living area, our living space. And we do have a place all the way back on our property that already is a poop like thing that could, you know, be a little bit more fixed up for him and that would be fine. I would have no problem with that.
Eric Alston
And what do you think if James ends up hand feeding him by the house house? What do you think of fair consequences?
I
I don't know.
Eric Alston
I'll tell you why, Susan. I'll tell you. Here's what I'm afraid of. James likes those little raccoons. She's gonna get tired and just see one of the little ones. I'll just hand feed him. I like these senses. But James doesn't give a. He's wild.
I
No, he doesn't. He doesn't give a about it because it lasts three days. When I gave him that ultimatum him. I gave him that ultimatum that night when the. The raccoon came. Came into our house at night. Was trapped into our house at night. That's when I gave him the ultimatum. And so.
Eric Alston
You think he listens to you, Susan? No.
James
I know.
Susan
Four days.
I
Four days.
Eric Alston
Kind of. He fed them Froot Loops day two and you know it.
I
Oh yeah. He was doing it without me seeing him.
Eric Alston
He's got. He's tricking you, J. Jake.
I
Oh, I know, I know.
Eric Alston
You can't be tricked. You're the raccoon. Susan.
James
Jake, what were you. Jake, you had a point. Where were you headed, buddy?
Eric Alston
Don't know.
James
Okay. We're talking about punishment for James if he breaks our agreement. Susan.
Eric Alston
Here's what I'm trying to get to. Susan. If he goes out there and builds a little raccoon house. Right. We got that all situated. He agreed. Rebecca agrees. That's far enough away. Let him do whatever the he wants in that little house. He wants to put a seat out there. There. Be the king of the raccoons. Do it.
I
Okay.
Eric Alston
If he feeds them around the house, would you call animal control and get the raccoons removed?
I
Yes.
Eric Alston
Would you actually do that?
I
Ably. Oh, hell yes.
Eric Alston
Because they're being Handfeld. And what's going to happen, Susan, is one of them is going to bite somebody and they're going to get them all killed. And guess who they're going to put them all down and it's going to be James's fault and your fault. Sue Susan.
I
And I'll be the one at the hospital getting the shots in the stomach for the. For the rabies.
Eric Alston
Agreed.
Roy Wood Jr.
Is there what I do you for Rabies?
James
Yeah.
Eric Alston
They give you a bunch of shots in your Stomach.
James
But to your question, she clearly has looked this up and knows the specifics of the rabies shots.
Eric Alston
So, Susan, Will. Will you run point on this raccoon house and make him do it?
I
I would, Will, sure. Yeah.
Eric Alston
Because started so today's Tuesday, June 24th. When can the raccoon house be fully finished, in your opinion?
I
I believe he could have that done by Saturday if he worked on it starting today.
Eric Alston
Saturday. Okay, so then if he feeds them, and if it's not done by Saturday and you see him feeding him, you got the gall to call animal services and say, there's nine little raccoons, they might have rabies. Can you relocate them before they start biting people?
I
Yeah, I have their phone number already, so I don't have a problem.
Eric Alston
All right, so that's 100%. You're in, Susan. Yeah, I like it. Will you throw James's wild ass back on?
James
Oh, no.
I
Yes, I will.
Eric Alston
Here's James.
Natalie Hollis
Thanks.
Eric Alston
Great speaking with you again.
James
Bye, Susan. She. She seems happy. This is insane.
Rebecca
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Hey, James.
Roy Wood Jr.
James, you got till Saturday. They gonna call ice on them raccoon.
Rebecca
That's what I heard. That's what I heard.
Eric Alston
Heard, James.
Rebecca
Well, I guess I got. Got a project, huh?
Eric Alston
Well, there's two things. And we got to know if you agree to this because you're not allowed to get mad at Susan. You're signing a deal right now.
Rebecca
Oh, okay.
Eric Alston
Saturday, which is. Yeah, well, that's what we're proposing to you. You can pass on it. But we're trying to get a deal done, man. We're trying to figure this thing out. We're not doing this show just for shits and giggles. We're trying to solve problems.
Rebecca
Okay?
Eric Alston
Susan has agreed to this. You tell us if you like, like it this Saturday, which would be 25th, 26th, 27th. 28th, I think. June 28th, you're going to be done with the cat house in the chicken coupe, and it's going to be ready to go from that day. Hold on. Do you don't like that, James?
Rebecca
Okay, well, I got to work too, so.
Roy Wood Jr.
Give him two weeks.
James
We can buy him a few.
Rebecca
Yeah, let's find a little bit of time here.
Eric Alston
Okay, so hold on, hold on, hold on, guys. Then you're talking to mediators. James, counter. How long do you want? When can you get it finished, baby?
Rebecca
Three weeks.
Eric Alston
Three weeks? What, are you gonna build a hot tub out there? All you got is that little blue goofy pool, and you're gonna throw Fruit Loops in there? They don't need AC My king. It's a box. They're raccoons. They live outside.
Roy Wood Jr.
Here's something else you got to consider, Jake. Something else you need to consider is that once this new facility is built new, it's going to take time to start that transition, so. Got to give them, like, how long before we just accept that the raccoons ain't with the new Delta Lounge?
Eric Alston
Yes, I understand. So. So I'm. Yes, you're right about that.
Roy Wood Jr.
Because you're like. You're gonna have to, like, train them to follow you over there. Like, you're gonna have to sit by that shed every day.
Eric Alston
No, Roy. Roy, you et it. You et it with the Reese's Pieces.
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, yeah.
Eric Alston
You leave a trail, but. Yeah, go ahead.
Rebecca
Now, we have two big trees right next to our garage.
Eric Alston
Okay.
Rebecca
And there's about three nest of them up in there. So they walk down straight from there. So they.
Susan
So.
Rebecca
As soon as, I guess, they get out of the nest, they'll be away from the garage? Garage? No, no.
Eric Alston
They built the nest near the garage because that's the food source.
Rebecca
Oh, I know they do.
James
Yeah.
Eric Alston
I think.
James
James. James, you're gonna have to put in the work and be the Pied Piper. That is going to show them where a new era is starting.
Eric Alston
I have an idea on that. Yes.
James
You're gonna have to spend some time over there with Froot Loops, showing them that if they want the food source, we're doing a restart on this relationship. Let's go.
Eric Alston
James, here's what I'd like you to do. I think you, first of all, just to get the numbers clean here. I don't. Three weeks is excessive. Can we agree that you can have it done in a week from today? She wanted Saturday. You wanted three weeks. How about next Tuesday? Seven days?
Rebecca
I mean, it's possible. Yeah.
Eric Alston
You want to compromise? How about this? Let's do the end of next weekend. So we'll do.
Rebecca
That's. No, that's perfect.
Eric Alston
Okay.
Rebecca
July.
Roy Wood Jr.
So 7th of July.
James
Yeah. You got the holiday to go out there and work on your raccoon.
Rebecca
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Are you gonna do it at all on that weekend?
Rebecca
Well, I'll probably do it during the evening time.
Eric Alston
Okay. So By July, by July 6th, you're done. Is that fair?
I
That's fair.
Eric Alston
Here's what I'd like you to do. Before that, as you're doing this, This, I want you to et every day, Fruit Loops all the way there. And then one day, maybe July 2nd, maybe the 3rd, I want you to cook a barbecue and in the middle of this raccoon fest, I want. I'm talking delicious food, James.
Rebecca
Okay?
Eric Alston
I want hot dogs. I want hamburgers. I want ribs. They're getting Froot Loops from the house. House. But they're getting a meal in the raccoon mansion.
Rebecca
You want me to cook barbecue for them?
Eric Alston
Yes. I want the food to be so good, James, they move the nest.
Roy Wood Jr.
He wants a housewarming party.
Eric Alston
I want a housewarming party. Is right.
Rebecca
Oh, my God. Okay.
Eric Alston
So that they go like this. You know what we get at the house? We get Froot Loops and some other trash. I'm telling you, at that shack about three acres away, they got barbecue for us.
James
Just remember, you're doing this because you love the raccoons. And the alternative to this is not good. So you're gonna have to log some hours. You know, you did create this world where the raccoons feel comfortable hanging upside down trying to kiss your wife in a garage. So now you need to kind of shake the exosketch a bit, and let's get going.
Eric Alston
So, James, let's do this. This every day until July 6th. Are you willing to do a fruit loop trail to the chicken coop?
Rebecca
Yeah.
Eric Alston
Promise?
Rebecca
I promise I'll do it. I'll see what they do.
Eric Alston
And then July 6th. Okay. Then July 6th, will you have the coupe being as good as it can be done, where they could all move in there? Yes.
Rebecca
Yeah, I think that's possible. Yeah.
Eric Alston
Okay. Doesn't have to be perfect, and it can't change it.
Rebecca
Now, let me ask you the barbecue form.
Eric Alston
Okay. Forget the barbecue. That's fair.
Rebecca
That's for me.
Eric Alston
Fair. But then while you're eating it, eat out there and leave some dirty plates out there, okay?
James
Yeah. Excuse me.
Eric Alston
Let him get some smells and licks. One last thing. If. If on July 7, you feed them near the house and Susan calls animal control, do you understand why she did it? And it's not her fault. It's your fault.
Rebecca
Oh, I know. I know. It's. I know it's all my fault right now, okay?
Eric Alston
But on July 7, okay, if animal controls and takes Baby face away from you, it's your fault, not her fault. Correct?
Rebecca
That's correct. Yeah.
Eric Alston
Do you agree to the terms of this negotiation?
Rebecca
I agree to the terms.
Eric Alston
Okay. Thank you, sir.
Rebecca
I think that's it. I think that's a good one.
Eric Alston
And can you throw Susan back on the phone?
Rebecca
S. We can hold.
Eric Alston
Thank you, James.
James
It's fun to picture them all around the phone doing this.
Eric Alston
I'd love to see this animated.
James
Be unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Eric Alston
Hey, Susan. So we got a deal. We want to know if you want to sign it.
I
I do. I was listening. And it's. It'll. Perfect.
Eric Alston
Okay, so every day you remind him he's going to et it to the shed.
I
Right.
Eric Alston
On July. July 6th is the last day.
Susan
Day.
Eric Alston
If he feeds them around the house after July 6, you don't even ask. You call Animal Control.
I
Just call them. Yeah. And they'll come take care of those.
Eric Alston
And James knows it's his fault?
I
Yes. Well, good, because it would be. He started this. And.
James
Okay.
I
And you'll have to be the one to end this.
James
He knows that, Susan. He knows that. I think I will say, I think we're at the point right now where we all understand why you're upset. But what's going to help James the most, and you do, is to encourage the movement of this. This coupe that he's building for the raccoons. You know, he knows he's got to do it.
Eric Alston
Take some photos as the thing's going. And then on July 6, when this official, maybe put a sign out there letting the raccoons know it's a new house or however you want to do it, and then find a new management. Maybe we'll talk in August and September and see where we're at.
I
Okay. I can do it. That sounds like a good idea. Thank you so much for your help.
Jake Johnson
Thank you.
James
I think we owe you a thank you.
Eric Alston
To be quite honest, I think this is gonna work.
James
I have no clue.
I
It's been fabulous.
Eric Alston
It's been fabulous talking to you.
James
Yeah. Jake, should we just. I know you do a good impression of a New Orleans accent. Do you want to cap the call with doing that for him? No, thanks, Roy. It's pretty good. Go ahead.
Eric Alston
Do you do it? Do you do a New Orleans.
Roy Wood Jr.
Fee?
James
Okay. All right, Susan, we gotta go.
I
There you go.
Rebecca
All right.
Roy Wood Jr.
That felt racist. Even though I know Cajun isn't exactly.
James
A race, I still found it racist. It was racist.
Roy Wood Jr.
Felt Z on that.
I
You around learning.
Eric Alston
Definitely racist.
I
That's all right.
James
Tell Rebecca bye.
I
I will. I'll tell her.
James
All right. Thank you, Susan.
Rebecca
Hello.
Susan
Hi.
James
Hi. Can we get your name, age. Where are you calling from, please?
Susan
My name is Chelsea. I just turned 33, and I'm from Kansas.
James
33, Kansas. All right, Chelsea, you've got Jake, you've got me, and you've got our guest helper, Roy Wood Junior's here, so we just want to jump. Yeah, it's a Big deal. So it's. We don't have too much time time. So with Roy. So we want to just jump in. So why don't you just jump in, tell us what the problem is.
Susan
Okie dokie. So pretty much I'm trying to best my husband in the tuck in routine that we do for our daughter. My daughter is 11 years old and we've been doing this thing since she like, got out of a crib where we take turns tucking her in at night. And my husband is like hilarious and aggressively creative. And it's. Their tuck in has morphed into like this improv comedy hour where they're like cracking jokes, they have like their own characters, and like, it's just turned into this huge, huge thing. It's hilarious and I love it. But then when I tuck her in, she just wants to watch like dumbass YouTube videos and like, will not. If I try to be, like, kind of funny, she's pretty much like, off, mom. Yeah, you're not funny. So I'm just trying to like, kind of be better than my husband. Also, like, my husband is her favorite person. Like her dad is her favorite person. So when he can't tuck her in.
I
She'S pissed about it.
Susan
But if I have a night that I can't, she's like, all right, well, that's fine.
Roy Wood Jr.
So your time to shine comes later.
Susan
Well, think that I wanted to shine now.
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, I get it. There's a jealousy in that. I. So I co parent a 9 year old and your tuck in time is my cooking. His mom meticulously prepares every meal with love and kisses him on the forehead as the plate lands to the table. And you know she's more culinary than me. You come to my house, motherfucker. You getting this bag of frozen shrimp, and I'm gonna steam this broccoli. It's gonna be good and it's gonna nourish you. But I don't know how to make smiley faces in the French toast. So he's kind of bummed over here for that, I think. Focus on the things that she does like about you. I think you're. Aren't you? I mean, I've never raised a girl, but I know there's a I hate my mom period. Until she gets a couple of good breakups under and those boys make her cry. Come back around.
James
So you're, you're, you're pitching patience. Waited out. Is there any. I mean, you, you're in entertainment. Roy, is there a way that we can make her tuck in More sweeps. Can. Can we entertainment up or are we cooked?
Roy Wood Jr.
You have to identify the things that she likes about you. Like for my son. Right. My son enjoys what I do. We watch like Formula one auto racing. So I'll give broadcast play by play in a horrible British accent as he plays with his toys.
James
Can we hear something?
Roy Wood Jr.
I will commentate him. And he's brushing his teeth. And now Henry. What? He's getting ready to get into the bed. Oh, my goodness gracious. This is the first time he's gotten into the bed. This and that makes him chuckle.
James
Yeah.
Roy Wood Jr.
And it doesn't matter if we've been at odds all time the day. That's something that I know for sure would get a laugh or a quiet moment out of them. This is way better than the caller before you who has raccoons in their garage.
Susan
Oh, man, my husband would love that.
I
Problem.
Eric Alston
What is your husband doing at bedtime? What's his routine?
Susan
So when she was so my kids. My daughter's 10. She's almost 11. But when she was really little, they did this thing, thing that they started calling like animal hugs, which is pretty much where he'd be like, okay, hug me like you're a chimp or something. And she would like pretend like she was a monkey or whatever.
James
It's good.
Susan
It is now turned into like yesterday they pretended they were starting skunks named Jerry.
Eric Alston
And like, by the way, it's good stuff.
James
It is good. I mean, I can't.
Susan
It's so good.
James
He's good.
Eric Alston
Gunks named Jerry.
Susan
Yeah.
Eric Alston
You're going to bed. You're a 10 year old girl. That's wheelhouse.
Susan
It's so funny. Pretty much. They go in there and they'll like chit chat for a little bit. And then I'll hear them like, okay. And then they'll go into a whole dialogue of pretending to be these certain animals. And sometimes they're not animals. Sometimes they're just people. She does Patricia a lot where she's just this really weird Catwoman kind of thing. And they play off of each other like that. But they do that for like an hour and then usually has to like force himself out of the room. Like, hey, it's 11:30. I've got to go to bed.
James
Jesus. He's showboating. He's rubbing your face in it. God damn it.
Eric Alston
And what do your nights look like?
Susan
My nights look like. First it starts where she'll beg her dad to tuck her in right in front of my face. Like, I didn't just Burst that human. Okay. But she will beg him to tuck her in, and then when he's like, no, it's not my turn, she gets mad. And then we'll go lay down on her bed. And she wants to watch, like, YouTube. YouTube videos. So she's 10, almost 11. So she's into, like, nail shit. Like the acrylic nail stuff. She likes to watch those videos. And we'll. Yes. And we'll watch those for, like, 15, 20 minutes. And then she usually wants me to hold her a little bit. So I'll hold her for just a second, and then if I try to, like, joke with her or anything, she's like. All right, well, good night. Yeah.
I
See you in the morning.
James
You're bombing. You got a roll, Roy?
Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James
All right, buddy. Thank you for joining us.
Eric Alston
Chelsea, stay on. We're gonna keep it.
I
Yeah, okay.
James
Thanks, Roy.
Eric Alston
Thanks.
Roy Wood Jr.
All right.
James
Okay. Chelsea, I think. Yeah. I mean, look, Jake, she's. She's bombing. Right?
Eric Alston
Yeah. And, Charles, we can help you out of it. We're going to be able to fix this one.
James
I agree. I think we've just got a pit. We've got a revamp, though.
Eric Alston
We. So this is just. He's killing it and you're dying. We've all been on the side of the fence of you.
James
Yep.
Eric Alston
So, I mean, Gareth, we're not going to go. She does his routine, are we?
James
No, we're not. Because, look, he's got.
Susan
And I don't want to.
James
And we don't want.
Eric Alston
Here's a very easy win. And I'm just going to start this conversation this way, and it might be wrong, okay? You walk in there and you make huge fart noise as you're putting her to sleep. The first few are not going to get laugh. Laughs, but you go, all right, honey, it's time. It's time. Hey, don't. And you just keep pushing forward. She's gonna look like you. You. Like you're a maniac. But all of a sudden, at minute two, when the farts are going and you're denying that you're making the sound, you might start turning the tone a little bit. Gareth, am I out of line here?
James
You're not out of line, but I feel like we're doing. Dad's got. Dad's got a good fart bit already. We've got a good. I. I think I have a. Okay, I have a couple ideas. Pitch 1. What we could do is. I like the. I like the idea. Like, she likes beauty. She's watching that on YouTube. What you could do is you could start coming up with before she goes to bed, you're trying to beat bedhead. Like you wake up with crazy hair. You're now going to style your hair and her hair in ways until you wake up with perfect hair. So you're gonna sort of try to beat bedhead. This is a. This doesn't need to be every night, by the way. That can be a mission. Another thing I was thinking is you could almost do like a fortune teller character.
Eric Alston
I love this. I was about to say character every.
James
Night comes in and is kind of looking into your daughter's future and just sort of talking about what she sees and things that you think are possible. They're slightly motivational things like that. And then the third thing I would pitch is, what if you host the Right Before Bed Tonight show where you're going to interview things in her room or you and her are going to interview things from your her room and find out, you know, what makes them tick. Treat them like celebrities sitting on the couch. You're going to talk to them, things like that. And then maybe you have a few things in the wheelhouse that are just kind of go to's so that you kind of like. Yeah. And then every now and then you could throw on YouTube. But stuff like that. What do you think of that, Jake?
Eric Alston
Well, Chelsea, I'm going to go to you because I think there were some interesting stuff there. What are you kind of feeling when you hear this?
Susan
I really like the Tonight show type thing because she does have like, she's still kind of. She's right on the cusp of being like into stuffed animals. But also I might be too old for him. So we still have them in a room.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
Susan
And there's all kinds of. She's got all kinds of stuff in there. And she's really good herself at like improving things.
James
Well, what if we did this?
Susan
There'd be a really fun give and take.
James
What if you have these stuffed animals and maybe you put a box together of stuffed animals that you're thinking of just kind of donating. But in order to find out if we keep the stuffed animal or if we put it in the to go box, we do this interview and she and you kind of interview it and they're almost singing for their supper. And at the end of the interview, when she's doing the voice for it or you're doing the voice for it, or you're both interviewing it, you're deciding if it still brings joy and if you still want to keep it. And if the An. If the stuffed animal doesn't make it, we'll put it in the donation box that will donate someday.
Susan
Oh, I like that. I really like that.
Eric Alston
Okay, that's. Can you give us a taste of how you are as a talk show host?
Susan
Oh, man.
Eric Alston
Because what. I don't want to leave you. I love. Like it. And then tonight you're going to be like, I don't even know where to start.
James
I agree.
Eric Alston
And you're going to have to realize, and every performer knows this, you got to die a lot on stage.
James
Yeah. You're going to need to bring.
Eric Alston
Got to die. You got to be doing a bit and have nobody like it and lean in, commit. It's kind of okay for everybody in the room to not like you. And guess what? Keep talking.
James
Well, maybe what we should do, Jake, is let's pick a stuffed animal. Animal. And she can kind of do the voice for it and something like that. How does that sound?
Eric Alston
That's right. I think that sounds right.
Susan
I do that.
Eric Alston
Yeah. Gareth, she doesn't have video, so she can't see it.
James
That's okay.
Eric Alston
Can you. You're going to be. If I get this pitch correctly, you're Johnny Carson and you're interviewing the animals, but your daughter's answering the questions. Correct. Correct.
James
I think that's.
Susan
Oh, okay. That's okay. That's. I love that.
Eric Alston
That makes it easier. So then she's being the funny one and you're driving it forward.
James
Yes. You should also come up with a character as the host. But yes, I think each night your daughter gets to come up with the voice, the specifics, all that.
Eric Alston
And we're starting you as the straight person in the bit.
James
It could be called the Good Night Show.
Eric Alston
The Good Night Show.
Susan
That's genius. That's pretty genius.
Eric Alston
And what you're starting to do is what thing in her room is going away and what stays.
I
Okay.
Eric Alston
And all we need is one laugh. And even if it comes from her, if you ask her a couple questions and you both laugh. End on the laugh. All right. All right. Well, let's get you to bed. That was fun. Tomorrow night we'll do some more Good Night Show.
James
And I'll tell you what else. Laugh at what she's doing. Jake, you and I both know.
Eric Alston
Agreed. Even if you're faking, it goes a long way.
James
I'll take it.
Eric Alston
Yes, Agreed.
James
So if she's doing a character, you're loving it. That's a good feeling.
Eric Alston
And it starts off the thing nights when you do the Good Night show, you go.
James
And tonight. Welcome lamb. Yeah.
Eric Alston
And you've got that recorded on your. So that you do the announcer over it.
James
Yes.
Eric Alston
Tonight on the Good Night show, we've got. Got. You know what we could do? We could give you your intro. Gareth or I. One of us could do the song, the other one could do the intro and then go take it away. And we'll go take it away.
James
And what we can do is we can leave a gap where you're going to fill in with the guest. So we can do this intro, you know, and the Good Night show bad, you know, and.
Eric Alston
Yeah, and then the guest is. You say it. And then we go take it away. So you'll be Gil. I'll do the music.
James
Okay.
Eric Alston
And then you are feeding into mom. Chelsea will send you the audio of this. Would you play this on your phone? And then just start the show. Is this something you like A thousand percent.
Susan
And I think it's something she'd be like super, super into.
James
Should we. Should we introduce Chelsea as Chelsea Jake?
Eric Alston
Chelsea, how do you want to be introduced, Mom?
I
Let's do. Do Mom. Okay.
Eric Alston
And what?
Susan
Actually, I don't think it matters.
James
Should we say mommy Carson?
Eric Alston
No, let's just go mom.
James
Okay.
Eric Alston
And what's your daughter's name?
Susan
Ryan.
Eric Alston
Ryan. Because it's in Ryan's room. So maybe Gil from Ryan's room. Yes. And how we're gonna decide who stays and who. So it's a little bit Tonight Show, a little bit game show.
James
Okay. And should we have a box where the loser goes, goes?
Eric Alston
That's up to you, Chelsea. Would we actually have it or is this just more rather than it actually getting rid of it? It's just a fun way to get bedtimes. Fun. What do you like more?
Susan
I super love the idea of also getting rid of some of them because she does have just an insane amount.
James
Okay, let's do it. I'm at the Good Night show and tonight we decide whether it goes in the box and the guest is. Okay.
Eric Alston
And that the girl, Ryan, is going to be doing the voices of each thing that mom brings out and ask questions. And each doll gets three questions.
James
Ok. That Chelsea, am I going right.
Susan
Now too, or am I just listening to you guys do your thing?
Eric Alston
And at the end, Gareth is going to throw it to you. And then in person is when you start talking.
Susan
Y. Oh, heard. I'm fully with you guys now.
Eric Alston
All right, so I'm gonna start the Tonight show music because now I'VE committed to that. So even though the things changed, I like it. Don't know why. It's good. All right. Three, two, pig.
James
Len, live from Ryan's room, it's the good night with your mom. Tonight. The guest is. And once again, we'll find out if that stuffed animal or character is going in the box or staying. Now, please welcome your host.
Eric Alston
Thoughts, Chelsea?
Susan
Oh, I thought you were supposed to. My bad. Hi. Welcome.
Eric Alston
You don't have to start. No, the thoughts on that as an.
James
Intro that you play every night.
Susan
My bad.
James
Yeah.
I
Yes.
Susan
I love that. I think that's. I think that's going to be awesome. I think she's going to think that's just absolutely hilarious. We are big game show watchers in our house, so I think she'd like that. That aspect, too, that it's like kind of like a game show, too.
Eric Alston
So, Chelsea, will you follow up with us after you do the performance of the good night show? And then can you maybe get a voice note of your daughter's real reaction?
James
Yeah. Thank you, Chelsea.
Susan
Really quick. Can I say something really, really quick? I'm homeschooling my kid next year, and we are 100 implementing hot takes.
Eric Alston
No family way.
Susan
Yeah, dude. Yeah, I was. Well, okay. So in my head, what we're gonna do is every. I think we're doing it once a week, but, like, it'll be my turn once, then my husband's and then my daughters.
Eric Alston
Yeah.
Susan
And she loves making, like, her own little presentations. And we're gonna legit make little mini PowerPoints over the most insane chicks. My husband's got some, like, pretty hard in the ground, you know, pretty aggressive hot takes, I think. So we're gonna, like, do it, and it's gonna be a literal part of our homeschool curriculum.
Eric Alston
I love this.
James
That's great. Good for you.
Eric Alston
Good for us. Good stuff.
James
Our legacy. Our legacy is stealing a teacher's idea.
Susan
You gave him the, you know, groundwork. But I. He did run with it very well.
Eric Alston
Yes, he did.
James
Yes.
Eric Alston
Well, that makes us very happy. That's really good news.
James
Thank you, Chelsea. Let us know how this goes. And congratulations on getting picked up for the Good Night show. It's huge.
Susan
Oh, thank you so much. It's the honor of my life.
James
Yep.
Eric Alston
Bye, Chelsea.
James
Bye, Chelsea.
Susan
See you guys.
Eric Alston
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help. You can go to our patreon@patreon.com hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.
James
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
Susan
All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.
Episode Summary: "Baby Face in the Delta Lounge & The Goodnight Show (with Roy Wood Jr.)"
Release Date: July 30, 2025
In this engaging episode of "We're Here to Help", hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, alongside guest Roy Wood Jr., tackle two unique and heartfelt listener questions. The episode seamlessly blends humor with practical advice, staying true to the podcast's essence of offering friendly, albeit unconventional, guidance.
Caller: Rebecca from Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Rebecca shares a bizarre yet endearing predicament where her father-in-law has developed an unusual bond with a group of raccoons, affectionately named Scrawny and Baby Face. What began in 2016 with a single raccoon led to the gradual expansion of the "Delta Lounge" — a makeshift haven in their front porch area complete with kiddie pools and favorite snacks for the raccoons.
Quote (18:43):
Rebecca: "Scrawny came to visit. Yes. And Scrawny was a kleptomaniac. And so Scrawny would kind of sit in the tree and just kind of watch eerily at the porch."
As Baby Face introduced her offspring, the situation spiraled to nine raccoons invading their garage, disrupting the household's peace. Susan, Rebecca's mother-in-law, expresses her frustration and concern over the raccoons' increasing boldness, leading to nighttime confrontations and damaged property.
Quote (30:01):
Susan: "I grabbed the gun to go to the door that leads to the garage."
Discussion & Insights:
Roy Wood Jr. emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries with wildlife, highlighting the dangers of feeding wild animals and the potential for behavioral issues. The hosts collaborate to devise a strategic plan to relocate the raccoons safely, ensuring minimal harm to both the family and the animals.
Quote (34:00):
Roy Wood Jr.: "You gotta stop feeding these animals, period. There's no boundaries. They don't have boundaries."
Conclusion & Actions:
A comprehensive agreement is reached where James, Rebecca's husband, commits to building a dedicated raccoon house away from the main living areas by July 7th. Susan agrees to enforce the boundaries by contacting animal control if feeding continues past the stipulated date. This collaborative approach underscores the podcast's commitment to resolving conflicts through mutual understanding and actionable solutions.
Quote (55:13):
Rebecca: "I agree to the terms."
Caller: Chelsea from Kansas
Chelsea seeks advice on improving her bedtime routine with her 10-year-old daughter, Ryan. While her husband’s creative and humorous approach to tucking Ryan in has made bedtime a lively and cherished ritual, Chelsea struggles to engage Ryan in a similarly enjoyable manner. Ryan prefers watching YouTube videos over participating in her mother's attempts at humor, leading Chelsea to feel sidelined and less connected during bedtime.
Quote (57:59):
Susan (Chelsea): "My daughter is 11 years old and we've been doing this thing since she like, got out of a crib where we take turns tucking her in at night."
Discussion & Insights:
Roy Wood Jr. empathizes with Chelsea's situation, drawing parallels to his own experiences with parenting. He suggests incorporating elements that resonate with Ryan's interests, such as beauty and YouTube, into the bedtime routine to make it more appealing and engaging.
Quote (60:52):
Roy Wood Jr.: "You have to identify the things that she likes about you."
Jake and Gareth brainstorm creative ideas alongside Roy, proposing a "Good Night Show" where Chelsea and Ryan can interview stuffed animals, turning bedtime into an interactive and entertaining experience. This initiative aims to bridge the gap between Chelsea's attempts at humor and Ryan's preferences, fostering a more harmonious and enjoyable bedtime environment.
Quote (69:38):
Susan (Chelsea): "I love that. I think she's going to think that's just absolutely hilarious."
Conclusion & Actions:
The hosts finalize a plan where Chelsea will implement the "Good Night Show," incorporating Ryan's enthusiasm for stuffed animals and helping her feel more involved and entertained during bedtime. Additionally, the idea of integrating this routine into their homeschool curriculum exemplifies a sustainable and educational approach to enhancing family dynamics.
Quote (73:24):
Susan (Chelsea): "I love that. I think she's going to think that's just absolutely hilarious."
Throughout the episode, Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and Roy Wood Jr. demonstrate effective problem-solving skills infused with humor and empathy. By addressing both Rebecca's unconventional wildlife issue and Chelsea's familial bedtime challenges, the trio showcases their ability to navigate a variety of personal dilemmas with creative and actionable advice.
Quote (75:37):
Hosts: "We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions..."
The episode not only provides practical solutions but also reinforces the importance of family, boundaries, and adaptability in overcoming everyday challenges. For listeners seeking a blend of laughter and meaningful advice, this episode delivers on all fronts, staying true to the podcast's mission of being the friendly local bartender or tipsy uncle offering a listening ear and a helping hand.