220: So What I'm a Sex Machine & A Chip Gaines Type

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 220: So What I’m a Sex Machine & A Chip Gaines Type

Date: October 20, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Jake Johnson (New Girl, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse) and Gareth Reynolds (The Dollop) field calls from listeners seeking advice for everything from awkward family mishaps to sentimental household disputes. Their trademark self-deprecating humor, relentless riffing, and genuine attempts at helpfulness shine through in stories that span wedding mishaps, large quantities of lube, contentious wooden fridges, and an epic update about an outdoor pee spot.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

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1. Warm-up: Social Invitations & Birthday Karaoke (02:36–08:46)

The hosts start by dissecting the etiquette of social invitations when Jake receives a late invite to a dance party from a friend (Lennon). This prompts a comedic deep-dive into adult party expectations, dancing, karaoke, and birthday apathy, especially among performers.

• On Dance Parties:

  • Jake ponders: was he only invited to avoid awkwardness due to an upcoming podcast recording?
    • “Is this real? Am I being Larry David here?” (03:01, Jake)
  • Gareth’s judgment:
    • “I think you might be right... she’s right to not invite you, because what are you going to do at a dance party?” (04:03, Gareth)

• On Karaoke:

  • Both confess a strong aversion, especially as performers.
    • “How much goddamn attention do you need?” (05:11, Jake)
    • “I get enough [onstage]. I also can’t stand being around karaoke... It’s loud, it’s weird.” (05:13, Gareth)

• Bit on Adult Birthdays:

  • Most performative adults avoid elaborate birthday celebrations.
    • “I could not give a [bleep] about my birthday.” (06:26, Gareth)
    • Jake recounts Max Greenfield pranking him with a fake 50th birthday announcement. (07:21–08:35)

Notable Quote:
“I want to be in the civvies [for Halloween].” (04:47, Gareth)

Tone: Playful, observational, and self-mocking.

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2. Call #1: Ramona’s Lube Dilemma (16:24–38:25)

Caller: Ramona from Portland, Oregon, 27
Scenario: A series of Amazon package mishaps culminates in her uncle accidentally sending an industrial-size bottle of personal lubricant to her home—leading to awkward family fallout and the threat of widespread humiliation at upcoming gatherings.

Situation Recap:

• Uncle John’s Amazon account is autofilled with Ramona’s address after wedding gifts.
  • First, 40 pounds of baking soda shows up by mistake (“He said it was for laundry detergent… that’s a year’s supply”, 17:30).
  • Later, a 32-ounce bottle of lubricant arrives.
  • Ramona & family discreetly toss the lube, but Uncle John notices its absence, texts a photo for confirmation—awkward spelling and no punctuation included.

Escalation:

• The secret leaks to Ramona’s dad, who’s notorious for not keeping secrets, and is poised to roast Uncle John at the next family gathering.
• The caller’s concern: How to protect Uncle John (and his wife) from becoming the butt of the joke?

Key Brainstorming (26:20–38:25):

• Gareth suggests owning the joke to disarm potential mockery (“reverse UNO card” approach, 26:24).
• Possible “defensive” strategies:
  • Uncle John wears a shirt: “So what, I’m a sex machine?”
  • Everyone at Thanksgiving could brandish little bottles of lube when the joke comes up
  • Or, best of all, mobilize Ramona’s mom for a gentle, well-timed public reversal: gift a giant bottle of lube to her husband (Ramona’s dad) if/when he needles his brother—suggesting “maybe you could use this someday, tough guy” (29:34).

Consensus Plan:

• Equip mom with an oversized bottle of lube and a zinger ready for Thanksgiving.
• Make the joke “about celebrating older couples’ intimacy instead of shaming it.”
• Optionally, flood the room with tiny bottles as a show of solidarity.

Notable Quotes:

• “Maybe you can use this someday, tough guy.” (29:34, Jake)
• “What's embarrassing about having sex with your wife?” (23:21, Jake)
• “We're not gonna be able to own it… but I do think we have to figure out a way to overcome it.” (24:23, Gareth)

Memorable Moment:
Jake and Gareth double down on the pro-lube, pro-sex-positivity message, riffing on how to “frame the framer” and make the family roast harmless ("I buy 32 ounces… so what, I'm a sex machine?" (27:33; 27:40)).

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3. Call #2: The Great Wooden Refrigerator Debate (42:13–64:49)

Caller: Michael, 42, Upstate South Carolina
Scenario: Michael and his wife Tanya inherit a family lake house with a relic: a “wooden fridge” from 1987, now leaking and energy-inefficient. Michael finds it eyesore and hassle, but Tanya’s sentimentality (and her friends’ support) keeps it alive. He wants it gone; she wants to see if it outlasts her.

Key Discussion Points:

• The fridge evokes “coffin in the Wild West" and "coffin for a ventriloquist dummy” (44:12, Jake & Gareth).
• Michael considers sabotaging the fridge before realizing how wild that would be (48:52).
• After probing, the hosts suggest:
  • Repurpose the fridge as a memory cabinet (photos, souvenirs), with wood-burned art: “The Fun House 1987–” (56:01–56:48).
  • If Tanya’s attached, get a repairman: if it can be fixed, keep it as long as possible; if not, convert to a relic (62:03).

Notable Interactions:

• When Tanya joins the call, her defenses are up—but negotiation leads to compromise: try repairs first, then memorialize.
• “Part of her wants to see how long it will last. … I want to see if this fridge outlives me.” (60:07, Tanya)

Resolution:

• Tanya agrees to pay for repairs; if fridge is unsalvageable, Michael can turn it into a nostalgic “fun house” memory box.

Memorable Moment:

• “I say we turn the fridge, because you are a handyman, into a shrine…” (51:01, Jake)
• “Let’s hug, let’s make sure there’s a hug right away. … I don’t want there to be any roast. We don’t need it between each other right now.” (64:04, Gareth)

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4. Follow-up: “Piss Spot” Toilet Update (66:35–73:57)

Callback to episode #195 with Ty Burrell.
Caller: Carissa, Arizona
Recap: Previously, Carissa wanted to stop her dad from peeing in one spot outside (stinking up the property).

• Advice given: set up fake security cameras, pretend footage will go to a “third party”; Ty Burrell suggested placing a toddler potty (to shame him).

Current Update:

• Carissa’s mom loved the intervention, even decorated the toddler potty with the podcast’s logo and the hosts’ faces (“so my dad is pissing all over us,” 72:22, Gareth).
• Dad’s reaction: he now pees all over the property, no longer just one spot.
• Hosts declare this a win: “We're happy he's grazing. Let him graze other pastures.” (73:31, Gareth)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jake on Social Invitations:
  “Am I being Larry David here? Is this real?” (03:01)

• On Bad Karaoke:
  “How much goddamn attention do you need?” (05:11, Jake)

• On Family Roasts:
  “Maybe you can use this someday, tough guy.” (29:34, Jake)

• Sex Positivity:
  “What's embarrassing about having sex with your wife?” (23:21, Jake)

• On Fridge Sentiment:
  “Part of her wants to see how long it will last. … I want to see if this fridge outlives me.” (60:07, Tanya)

• Piss Spot Solution:
  “That could be hotel art. … You see the sun setting, and then there’s a little kid’s outdoor piss toilet. That makes no sense.” (70:26, Gareth)

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment Description | Timestamps | |---------------------------------------------------------|------------------| | Social invitations & adult party etiquette | 02:36–08:46 | | Call #1: Ramona’s Amazon lube disaster | 16:24–38:25 | | Call #2: Michael vs. Tanya’s sentimental fridge | 42:13–64:49 | | Follow-up call: pee spot & toddler toilet intervention | 66:35–73:57 |

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Tone & Style

The hosts’ language alternates between irreverently comic, gently empathetic, and unfiltered, always circling back to “being on the caller’s side.” Their advice is practical but playfully delivered, rich with bits and mock-arguments, softening family awkwardness with laughter while honoring the mess of real life.

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Summary Takeaways

• Family mishaps are best handled with humor and ownership. Defuse jokes by joining in—ideally with a pro-partner message.
• Sentimentality and nostalgia are real—but so are maintenance bills. Negotiate, honor the memories, but strike a functional compromise.
• Advice is only as good as its fit for the people involved. Sometimes the fix is a hug, sometimes it’s a toddler toilet stenciled with your favorite podcast hosts’ faces.

This episode is a showcase of two friends steering listeners—and themselves—through life’s embarrassing mundanities, making listeners the stars of their own, bizarre sitcoms of everyday life.

Transcript

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[A]

And we are back.

[B]

You know I got something Gareth. Okay, the great Lennon Horrom is going to be on a show soon or we're going to release this after, right? I love her yes.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

We did migs together. She is so talented, so funny, such a fun hang. But I need your take on something.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

How you would take this? You know me. I'm not the most social cat in the world, right? I don't like to go to parties or do the thing anymore. I'm too old, which is not my thing. I just got an invite last minute to a dance party. Birthday for Lennon. Dance the day. No, but hold on. The day she's coming to record. This is a false invite. You think she's only invited because we're about to see each other and she's afraid I'm gonna call her out because I know she likes me. I like her. We text a lot. But she wasn't going to invite me to the dance party, and I wasn't insulted. But then she went, oh, I'm doing. I'm gonna see that son of a. If it comes up. I can't. He'll. He'll be weird. Am I being Larry David here? Is this real?

[A]

I. I think you might be right. And I think that. And I think she's right to not invite you, because what are you going to do at a dance party?

[B]

What would you do at a dance party?

[A]

Not go.

[B]

Are you a dancer, Garrett?

[A]

No.

[B]

You dance. I could actually see either answer.

[A]

Look, if you get a bunch of liquor in me, something's going to happen.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

And it might look like it's coordinated.

[B]

Are you a karaoke guy?

[A]

No.

[B]

Neither. Why aren't you a karaoke guy?

[A]

I think if you spend as much time performing in front of people as I have, it just. I don't want to do it. I don't care.

[B]

Are you a Halloween guy?

[A]

No. Because I used to do kids birthday parties, right? And it was costumes for years. And then so Halloween to come around, I'd be like, I want to be in the civvies.

[B]

Right? I don't want to do this.

[A]

No. And the older you get, the more you're just like, no.

[B]

I will say, for people who do what you and I do for a living, it blows my mind when they want to do karaoke.

[A]

Oh, I can't.

[B]

How much goddamn attention do you need?

[A]

No, it's. We get enough. I also can't stand being around karaoke because I'm like. It. There's just. It just is. I don't know how it has ended up becoming a mainstay. It's loud, It's. It's weird.

[B]

I'll tell you what's even weirder than the Thing you're pitching, which I've been at those little private rooms. Yeah, that's madness. You six people.

[A]

I think that makes sense than the randomness in a bar. You ever go to the bar and someone's doing karaoke eight times, and they're like, a good singer, and you're like, what is.

[B]

I didn't pay to see this.

[A]

This is crazy.

[B]

I wouldn't pay to see this. That's why.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

Forcing me to.

[A]

Yes, this is. This is gunpoint.

[B]

But I think what's crazier to me is the small room. And I'll tell you why. Because it's the kind of group you should just be getting dinner and talking with. But instead of getting dinner and talking, you're all sitting, staring forward, holding a cocktail, watching somebody go, like, tonight's the night. Get. I'm like, yeah, well, you're not a good singer.

[A]

It is.

[B]

If you were, we wouldn't be in this room.

[A]

You're trapped.

[B]

I'm w. You know what it feels like? Adult birthday parties. You're like, you're 38 years old. It's all about you, baby boy.

[A]

It's. I. I also think that might have something again, to do with what we do, because I could not give a. About my birthday. Fun fact. I've been convincing Steve that my birth. That he doesn't. He does not know my birth date. Because every year for this is going on 20 years, I convince him whenever he gets it right that he's wrong. And so he knows. He hovers in a week, and he'll be guessing dates that are three days prior.

[B]

When is the B day?

[A]

November 27th.

[B]

Coming up.

[A]

So he will go.

[B]

So funny.

[A]

Like, November 23rd. He'll go, got you this year. And I'll go, busted. Like.

[B]

And.

[A]

And he's. I've always thrown him off the scent. Every now and then, he gets it right, and I go, it's tomorrow. Big guy to go almost.

[B]

You know, Max Greenfield did something really funny. He and I always try to fuck with each other with press, especially, like, when we work together. We did it all the time, but we still do it, and we'll forget. So there'll be a period I'll forget. And he did, I think, Mario Lopez or something like that. He was on some show, and he said, I just want to wish my man Jake JOHNSON A happy 50th birthday. But he and I hadn't been texting that much, so I just didn't. All of a sudden, one day, I get on instagram and there are so many messages. And I'm like, I literally. I thought like, what happened? And they're all saying, Happy 50th. But I didn't even get what I was reading because it was like, not even near my birthday. I'm not. I was like, what am I? I was like, 50. What? And then I saw the clip, I die. I was like, that's a really good one. Where he was like, I don't know if you know this guy, but my co star on it just had a big birthday. He's 50. And Mario Lopez is like, well then happy 50th birthday to Jake Johnson. And Max is like, yeah. And I was like, what a great way just to stick a knife in my side while I'm asleep. I was like, oh, that's.

[A]

That's what press is for. That's why that's what presses for.

[B]

And when it works that way, it is fun. Go ahead.

[A]

So, well, let's bring you back. Back to Lenon. Are you going to mention this?

[B]

You know me, of course I will.

[A]

And what are you going to suggest? That this was a last minute invitation because of the show and.

[B]

Charity?

[A]

Yeah, charity. Can I make a suggestion?

[B]

I would love it if you did.

[A]

Why not come at it instead of the confrontation mode. Say you're really excited for the dance party. You love to dance and you got the invitation late. But better late than never.

[B]

No, because see what that does to her? I'll tell you why. Lennon and I are buds. She would go happy if he comes. I think she would be happy if I came and did the dancing and got into it. I just think when she was putting her list together, she's not thinking about me.

[A]

I agree. That's why I think we might see a shade of surprised at your reaction.

[B]

Yeah, but what I don't want her to do is I don't want her to do this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I forgot to put you on, but I'm really glad I did because we're gonna have a blast. You know, that reminds me of bad fake lunches. Like, like going to school and you know, people bring you. This is a tough example without getting too personal, but like, you know, extra, like bag lunches for you because they don't think you have enough food at home.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Where you're like, I don't need your bag lunch. It was one day, I forgot to bring a lunch. That idea of like, it's nice, but I don't need your bag lunch, baby. That's what I'm Going to come out confrontational with.

[A]

I can. I suggest you start with that line and then backtrack.

[B]

It's like contextualize the whole story. And I'm not telling the whole story.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I got caught up in something and just had to finish.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's.

[B]

I think there's a game. Maybe there's a game we can do. In trying to get her to admit that.

[A]

Do you want me to be shocked? I'll pr. I'll play like, I don't know. And I'll be like inviting Jake.

[B]

No, because. No, no, no.

[A]

You admitted my acting's improved.

[B]

Well, let's see you do it. I'll be Lennon, you be Gareth.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'm in the middle of a pitch. She's funny and does. She's a character, so she'll be in the middle of a thing. So let's say the character. She's like, show.

[A]

Anyhow, we gotta do four plus four is eight. Without further ado.

[B]

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[D]

Hi.

[A]

Hi. Welcome to the show.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Can we get your name where you're calling from, please?

[D]

Yes, my name's Ramona and I'm calling from Portland, Oregon.

[A]

Lovely, Ramona. How old are we, Ramona?

[D]

27.

[B]

27.

[A]

What's up, Ramona? What can we help you with?

[D]

So I got married in this past year and we got a lot of wedding gifts from people. And my uncle sent us our wedding gift over Amazon and it saved our address on his Amazon account. And.

[A]

Oh boy.

[D]

He accidentally sent us 40 pounds of baking soda to our house once. And we were somehow able to figure out it was him. Consensus.

[A]

And then, I mean, I. Do you want to do it now? Do you want to do it now? What the.

[B]

What? What?

[A]

40 pounds?

[B]

Why do you need 40 pounds of baking?

[A]

I mean, they sell that it by the ounce.

[B]

How big of a cake you making, D?

[A]

What are you doing? That's fake coke.

[B]

You think?

[D]

He said it was for laundry detergent. It seems like a year supply of it.

[B]

£40.

[A]

He's washing his clothes in B.

[B]

By the way. He might be right.

[A]

I'm listen. I'm listening. Maybe.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. So he sent us the baking soda. We figured out it was him and we sent it back to him. And about two weeks after that, we come home late one Friday night and there's an Amazon box for us. And we open it not knowing what it is, the label's covered, and it was a 32 ounce bottle of personal lubricant. And it was also from him.

[A]

We discover laundry. It's for laundry, obviously.

[D]

So we didn't know what to do with it because he's my uncle. He's like 60 plus years old.

[B]

He's still alive.

[D]

We're lost. So we tell my sister and her husband and we all agree that we should just get rid of it and pretend that it never happened to avoid embarrassment.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

What does that mean, get rid of it? You guys divide it up, you each get 8 ounces.

[A]

Yeah, we really just threw it out.

[D]

I could not picture it being my uncle's.

[B]

Okay, so what are we calling uncle what? Uncle Gareth.

[A]

Uncle Greasy.

[B]

Uncle John.

[A]

Uncle John.

[B]

Okay, okay. So Uncle John, we all get the premise. He's accident year. His Amazon's going to your house. He sent you a big old thing of lube. You threw it out. I can hear the comments right now saying, let the man have his lube, but that's not what this show's about. We're on the. We're on Ramona's side. And Ramona and her family decided to throw it out. So save your comments. Thank you.

[D]

I appreciate that, Jake.

[B]

You're welcome, Ramona, because we're with you. And don't get discouraged if somebody goes like, let the man have lube. He's only 62. Ramona, don't read it.

[A]

Yeah, well, look, we're very pro lube, but I. He put you in a predicament, so.

[B]

I think I don't want my uncle's lube coming to my house.

[A]

I don't either. I think you. Honestly, you probably did the right thing. But obviously there's more to this story, so I can't wait to find out how this escalates. So what happens next?

[D]

Well, Uncle John asked us about the package about two weeks after we disposed of it. So we. We. Yes, we said that it was stolen because.

[B]

How did he ask about that?

[D]

He texted us asking if we got a package by accident, and we said no. And then he sent a photo of the package on our porch.

[A]

You guys want to see that text? Yes.

[B]

Yes, I do.

[A]

Very much. More than anything. More than anything. Oh, no. Boy. So it's very clearly on what I'm assuming is your porch. And Uncle John says hi. A bit awkward, by the way. Awkward. Spelled awkward, but I think a box.

[B]

Got spelled A C, K, W, a.

[A]

R, D. Yeah, but awkward got shipped to you guys in August.

[B]

He's from Wisconsin Acrid.

[A]

Do you guys still have it? Thanks. And then he sent the delivery photo.

[B]

He also does a thing my mom does, what really is wild to me. Yeah, no punctuation.

[A]

Also, he won't send the text. And then the next line, he sends it all in, like, paragraph form.

[B]

Yeah, but my mom does this. She'll send me a paragraph text. There's no commas, there's no periods, there's no caps. I read it as it is. It's like a weird sprint. And when I finish, I go like, that's madness.

[A]

You think she's doing voice to text?

[B]

No, I know she doesn't know how to do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's got time to put a period in?

[A]

I guess. Yeah.

[B]

Eve, people who want to communicate.

[A]

Eve, people who want to communicate. So she just wants that chore to be over.

[B]

Yeah, it just. It's over. It's like, I don't care if they can't understand it. I'm sending it. Well, I should be able to understand it so I can respond.

[A]

That'd be nice.

[B]

Yeah. Ramona. So Uncle Johnny sends you this text about the box.

[A]

Gone.

[D]

The lube is gone. We say that it was stolen and we think that the story was bought.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And all is well. And then my brother in law works with my father, which is its own separate episode that we don't have, hopefully. But they work together. And he makes an inappropriate work joke when he receives an Amazon package. And my dad asks, what is it? Sex toys? And my brother in law instead responds, no, it's Uncle John's lube. And my dad realizes this is gold information to make fun of his little brother with. We know that my dad is going to tell the entire family, like 30 lots of us all together. There's no way he'll hold it in. After a couple drinks, of course.

[B]

So I could.

[D]

We're just on damage control and we're wondering, like, how do we get ahead of this with Uncle John to protect him from, like, public humiliation.

[B]

This is really tricky.

[A]

Ramona, Uncle John's wife is also a character in this, right?

[D]

Yes. She is his third wife. We like to call them the saints in my family because they're saints for marrying into it. And we love her. She's perfect. And I also don't want her to feel any humiliation.

[A]

So. Okay. So, all right, so the stakes are high because, you know your father has the bullet in the chamber. At some point at an event, he'll have a few too many cocktails. He will say that everyone knows Uncle John ordered a 32 ounces.

[B]

Say something.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What is embarrassing about having sex with your wife?

[A]

It's not. It's not that. Well, first of all, it's. First of all, lube in general. It's. It's easy to get on someone with lube. If you find someone's lube, it's funny. The amount of lube is shocking. So to have these. Yeah, it's a lot of lube. It was a large bottle. That's two pounds of lube. Two pounds of loot.

[B]

Maybe it's gonna take him ten years to get there.

[A]

Maybe that's what's. Hey, listen, we're not. Maybe he's putting it in the bunker. We don't know. But all we know is we're picturing furiously masturbating with a tremendous amount of lubricant.

[B]

You added masturbate in hotel room.

[A]

Hey, listen, when I'm with you, you don't need it.

[B]

You're so clearly in a hotel room.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

We're talking about a man who's married with a wife buying it. And you go, of course he's masturbating. The weird images of early Gareth Reynolds stand up. But.

[A]

But it's the amount. It's the amount of it. Look, it's funny. It's funny. It's. It's a good one to have. You're not going to be able to own it. But I do think that we. What we have to do is figure out a way to overcome it. And then the stakes are even higher because, yeah, you don't want the wife maybe knows, but they don't want to be known as the looby couple, like even or she doesn't know. And then that's even worse if he's got like a jack shack down at the end of his yard.

[B]

That's. I mean, the nightmare would be as if this has nothing to do with her. Ramona, what's your guess? Walk us through a little bit. What's going on with John and the princess.

[D]

I. I do think that Uncle John ordered it with the saints in mind. He was in France when we think the order was placed and his. His saint was here in Portland. So I think he was the craziest.

[A]

Part of all of this. Who the is in France thinking about home lube? John Strange. Okay. All right. Well, Ramona, when does the next family get together? When are you. Are you. Do you have a date or a time pinpointed for where this could pop off?

[D]

My guess would possibly be at a 13 year old's birthday in a month, or it would be at Thanksgiving.

[A]

So we've gotta stay.

[B]

I know, I know you've already said it, but can you. Can you restate the specific question? Just because there's so much going on here that I don't want to pitch on the wrong thing.

[D]

We want to kind of figure out how do we get ahead of this with Uncle John and, you know, make him maybe a part of it so that he's like, owning it instead or just to protect him in some way so that it's not the big joke pointing fingers at him. When my dad understood.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so here's what we got to do. Can I pitch something?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

First we have to get John in the joke. So when you can. When your dad makes fun of him, everybody can make fun of your dad. You gotta pull a reverse uno card. So your dad's gonna do a joke. And then we need something on your dad so that your dad has to eat crow right away.

[A]

What do we have on you? Are you looking for something on her dad? Do we have anything. Is there anything that John has ribbed your dad on? Is there a funny thing that. Is there something embarrassing we could highlight for your dad just so we have a comeback ready? If not, what we have to do, Jake, is find a way for John to own it. On a scale of 1 to 10, Ramona, how good is John's sense of humor?

[D]

Very good. Takes a joke very well.

[B]

Okay, so you're talking about getting, like, a shirt.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Say it again, Ramona.

[D]

I can't think of any good dirt on my dad that would that off.

[A]

I think. I am thinking that. I'm thinking he has.

[B]

He reveals a shirt that says, like, lube Daddy. Yeah. I buy 60. I buy 32 ounces.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Or something that just says, like, so what, I'm a sex machine, Question mark.

[B]

Or, or shirt that says, anyone who makes fun of a sex machine needs to get laid. Because I guess what you're making fun of is your little brother. You said he's in his early 60s. We're a guy in his mid-60s. Let's be honest. One thing about getting older you hope, you hope stays in your life. Sex. Because if it doesn't, not bueno. If it is bueno. So maybe dad. Ramona, Uncomfortable question. Hate asking it, but view us as scientists. Right.

[A]

Now says this guy is flanked by primates.

[B]

I'm studying them. I study that. Gary.

[A]

Scientists.

[B]

Is dad having sex? Ramona? I hate ass.

[D]

Probably not as much as Uncle John.

[B]

Exactly what I'm thinking. Is dad still with Mom?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. How long have they been married?

[D]

Like 30 plus years.

[B]

You think Dad's buying lube? Hate asking this science. What's that?

[D]

Potentially.

[B]

Potentially.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if he's making fun of another man for having sex in his 60s, maybe the joke is on you.

[A]

Jake, I think you've led me to a new pitch.

[B]

Go for it.

[A]

I think what we do is we tell. I think, Ramona, you tell John and you say john, look, you know, I, I. We didn't know what to do. We thought it was, you know, we kind of. We, I guess we freaked out. We threw it away. We're sorry. We're happy for you. But my dad found out, and we think he's going to try to murder you on this one next time we all get together. And what he should do is John should get ahead of it and send the dad 32 ounces of lube with a note that says, maybe you can use this someday, tough guy. Something like that.

[B]

I. I'm going to pitch on your pitch because what I was thinking, Ramona, if this is crazy, tell me. But. And you know me, Gareth and Ramona, you'll know this when you get to about episode 100. But I hate using third parties. But I might think we go to a third party. And here's what I'm thinking. What's the sense of humor of your mother?

[D]

She is very upset with the whole situation, so I don't think. Very good.

[B]

Never mind. Okay. I was going to say get your mom to get a 64 ounce of lube and when he makes fun of him, hand it to him and say, we could use it, tough guy.

[D]

Okay. She might do that.

[B]

Okay, so if he's making fun, then you go. If she hands. If your dad's making fun of John going, what are you doing? Buying lube, blah, blah, blah. And then your mom stands up and hands your dad a little thing of lube and goes, maybe there's something to it, buddy. Everybody all of a sudden goes, dad's not laying the pipe and we're making fun of John for having sex with his wife. Were literally making fun of a man for making love.

[A]

I like it. It's led me to two new pitches. That one, what if everyone at the event has a little bottle of lube and when your dad starts up, they all.

[B]

He's the only one that does.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then you go like this.

[A]

And everyone.

[B]

One of the ladies goes, do you have sex?

[A]

What do you use? Oh, you don't use anything.

[B]

I. Hold on, Ramona. What if you get everybody. Holy shit. Remember, somebody sent Steve.

[A]

How do I remember? Yes.

[B]

We had a lady. We have a party.

[A]

We have an abundance of lube in our world.

[B]

We might be able to send you hundreds of packs.

[A]

We might be able to send you a shitload of lube and you almost just have it at whatever it is. This is probably not going to be for the 13 year old's birthday party, but maybe you pass.

[B]

Maybe we do it fast.

[A]

Yes, we could do that. We can have people have it at. At the event or my out outside. That pitch is who. Who hosts Thanksgiving, Ramona?

[D]

My parents do.

[A]

Okay, so Uncle John shows up with a crown and some sort of drapery and he is the king of lube. When he shows up.

[B]

Oh, no. I got an idea. If it's at your parents house at Thanksgiving, we frame your dad. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We put somebody pretends to find a 64 ounce thing of lube and go like. You get like one of the cousins to go like, whatever your dad's name is, like, hey, Jim, what's this? You roast him for a little. And he goes, I've never seen it before. Which is what a guy would say who was lying and then go like, it was in your room. I just went in there to drop my jacket off. It was right on the bed. Then later, if he's trying to roast 32 ounces, you're like, stop deflecting. Then we gaslight him.

[A]

Or yeah, I. I like the idea of framing him. If we put like, if. What we could do is we could have some. You could even film a video of pretend finding a bunch of lube in his room and have Jon play it. As soon as your dad starts to try to light him up, he could just be like, we took this earlier today in your house.

[B]

We knew you were going to do this because we sent you this.

[A]

Or how about this?

[B]

How about.

[A]

And Ramona, we're just going at it now. How about we get a fake label made for a bottle of lube. Let's say your dad's name is Rick. We get a bottle, fake bottle made of. Of Rick's lube and it's just like we make a weird label. Like your dad has his own special loop.

[B]

Or for John, this. Ramona, how many people are going to be at that Thanksgiving?

[D]

30 people.

[B]

What if you make cards made that said, at some point my dad is going to. Or at some point Rick is going to lie about some stupid lube story. When he does boo him and they go huh? And go, this might not mean anything. Or send everybody a text so that all of a sudden when he goes like, hey, John, you get that 32. And everybody goes, boo. It'll be shocking for an older brother who thinks he's about to win.

[A]

And then you could throw our little lubes at him.

[B]

Ramona, where are you at?

[D]

I kind of like the idea, honestly, of my mom doing the public humiliation. I think that would be very authentic. Honestly of them.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

But I do like the idea too, of like the small little lubes and like we all pull them out. My sister, when I was talking to her about and trying to brainstorm, she came up with something similar with us all having little loops at a Party together.

[A]

Well, we could send you the lubes.

[B]

I mean berg right now.

[A]

We can get you these lubes and then you can kind of just, you know, preset everyone having the lubes. You know the downside to this is if your dad doesn't do anything then we've just told everyone that Uncle John is a jacker. But that's fine. I don't think that's a problem. So we can get you the lubes and then yeah, we could just have.

[B]

Your do Ramona because I know we're wrapping up but I still don't fully see what you're gonna do. So what are you thinking here? What's the actual plan?

[D]

I think my actual plan is because my mom's already in on the story.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

If I have her prepared with like a different bottle.

[B]

Fun. Or how many ounces? How many ozs you're gonna have mom do?

[D]

I feel like it has to be at minimum 32.

[B]

I agree, but the bigger the better.

[D]

If I can find a larger one that's better.

[B]

I totally agree. If you can get like 118.

[A]

I agree. Yeah, I mean hell if you could.

[B]

Get a wheelbarrow coming in with it.

[D]

John got and then we can give it to him since it's his.

[B]

That's really fun. So mom gives to dad and Are you going to give mom a line? Are you going to let her improv?

[D]

I think I'll give her an idea and you know, say she can run with it whatever she wants but I think she'll enjoy doing the public humiliation to him.

[B]

I love it. And what line you think of the pitching mom.

[D]

You know, why are you making fun of someone for having sex? You know, maybe this would actually be helpful and passing it over.

[A]

Ooh, by the way, I Amazon guess.

[B]

Guess what pal. Women like lube. Yeah. Learn something from your little brother. It helps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey hey hey, lover boy. Lubes for your partner.

[A]

I. I found 128 ounce lube.

[B]

I like how he's pretending. He's looking at the phone. He's looking through his suitcase. Hold on, let me just look through my phone. Zip.

[A]

All right, I got a 128. I'll sell it to you right now. You could Also, if you wanted 13 left. Your mom could also hand your dad chafing cream.

[B]

So Ramona, I got.

[A]

I found one called taint Paint.

[B]

What is the sound you made when your butt all got waxed that the woman heckled you about?

[A]

Ooh ooh wowee wow.

[B]

So Ms. Romana, walk us through your Official plan, what you're going to tell your mom. If there's anything we could help you with, I think we're going to win here. We're going to need you to film it if you can, or at least get a voice note of your mother doing it. But the floor is yours. Tell this audience what you're going to be doing on Thanksgiving or it's a 13 year old's birthday.

[D]

I'm really hoping it won't be the 13 year old's birthday. I think I might be able to convince him that that's inappropriate.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's the wrong move for dad, too.

[A]

I do too.

[D]

Yeah. So I'm gonna get my mom this bottle of lubricant and I'm going to tell her that our goal is to kind of throw the humiliation back at my dad when he tries to do it to my Uncle John. And along the lines of, you know, maybe this would be helpful or, you know, it's actually nice for your partner or something along those lines, it's good that he's having sex and just for her to be ready when he inevitably makes a speech at the beginning of dinner.

[B]

I think this works great. You feel good? Awesome.

[D]

Thank you guys so much.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

Thanks, guys.

[A]

Thanks, Ramona. And we are brought to you by Quinn's. Oh, sweet Quince.

[B]

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[A]

I just shot my stand up special two weeks ago. I was wearing mostly Quint's clothing. Okay. Because it is the best. They've got 100 Mongolian cashmere from just $60. Classic Fit Denim, real leather wool outwear. Looks sharp. Holds up. For my special, I wore these black corduroy pants and a black quince shirt.

[B]

I've been doing a lot of travel for this New York job and I used quince.com for my travel accessories and it is making it easier for me. So I appreciate that. Quince lay up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they Look. Go to Quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Quince.com Q U I N C E.com here to help. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com here to help this episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Mint Mobile. If you're still overpaying for wireless. It's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no bs.

[A]

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[B]

Ready to say yes to saying no. Make the [e-mail] here to help. That's mint mobile.com here to help.

[A]

Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time. New customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees. Extra cement Mobile for details. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zelle?

[B]

Gareth and I send money to each other via Zelle when we are in the hole to the other guy. The easiest way to do it is Zelle. We both use it, we both know that it works. Pay and or request Request money. Send me some money via Zell. Why? Because you owe to me. Lil Rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J and I do something for each other that to us it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly and we use Zell. We'll just every once in a while he'll get $7 and 50 cents from me with a big subject that says you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7 and 50 cents on a Tuesday morning, it's before work. He thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little.

[A]

Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zel is here for you so you can be there for them when it counts. Send money with Zel. All right, so we have our caller. Your name is? Michael. Michael, where are you calling from?

[C]

South Carolina. Upstate.

[B]

South Carolina.

[A]

North Carolina. Beautiful. And how old are we, Michael?

[C]

I am 42.

[A]

42. And Michael, South Carolina. Beautiful. If you had a boat, what would you, what would the boat be named? Have you ever thought about that?

[C]

Oh, that, that has more to do with the call than you could possibly imagine.

[A]

All right, let's not blow it then. Get a new guy.

[C]

It would be called, it would be called the Dakota Tune.

[A]

Dakota.

[B]

Dakota, Cool.

[C]

The Dakota Tune, as in pontoon boat made out of a Dakota, which is a thing that we're planning on doing.

[B]

Okay, Michael, take over. Yeah, we're interested.

[C]

Okay. So that it doesn't have to do with the Dakota Tune, but it's just odd because this has to do with a lake house that my wife and I recently purchased from her grandparents. We purchased it in March, moved in in May, and we've done a ton of renovations to the place, like a lot of the work ourselves. We're particularly proud of the screened in porch that looks out on the lake. It's a beautiful view. There's some custom made furniture out there that I've built, new flooring put in. And in the middle of all of this picture, it is a leaking, disgusting looking wooden refrigerator.

[B]

A wooden refrigerator?

[A]

What do you mean? Yes, I've sent pictures, but yeah, it.

[C]

Is a wood paneled refrigerator. It was actually purchased when the home was built in 1987. And somehow it is still alive.

[B]

It looks like craziest looking fridge I've ever seen. It looks like a coffin.

[A]

It looks like a coffin.

[B]

It looks like a coffin in the Wild West.

[A]

It looks like a coffin for a ventriloquist dummy. And by the way, when you open the fridge looks like a fridge.

[B]

Kind of old, but it's two Diet Cokes and a Guinness and a bunch of baking soda.

[A]

You know, this looks like Croco.

[B]

I was about to say, I, I, I am taking back to night, take away the Guinness and put a Budweiser. And I'm three years old, visiting my dad in his first apartment after he left my mom and going, I think I'm gonna live with mom.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sorry to laugh at that.

[D]

I feel bad.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Anything in the 80s is all fair game.

[A]

Okay. So yeah, it's, it's aesthetically displeasing, but. Okay, so what is the issue with that?

[C]

So the issue is we have, we had to remodel a lot of the kitchen. We had to buy a Brand new refrigerator in there.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

So that's fridge number one. We have a backup fridge in the garage. Fridge number two. We have a backup freezer in the garage.

[B]

Is that for your mitts, Michael?

[C]

Yes, the backup freezer.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

Filled with me. Lousy with meat.

[A]

Gross.

[B]

Michael D. Hunt.

[C]

Doves.

[B]

How many doves you got in that freezer?

[A]

What does that.

[C]

I'm not good at it.

[B]

I love a bad hunter. I love a bad hunter, by the way. In that sense I'm a hunter. I've just never hunted anything because I'm bad at it.

[C]

Yeah, we're a lot alike.

[B]

I'm a big game hunter, brother.

[A]

No, you're not.

[B]

I never caught nothing.

[C]

How many elks have you bagged?

[B]

Zero. You?

[C]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

Pathetic.

[B]

You and me should be having dip in our mouth, sipping beers, talking about the animals we haven't bagged.

[A]

Because you haven't done it.

[B]

Yeah, if we're still hungry. South Carolina, man, I would love it, dude.

[A]

Michael, you're hunting doves. Yeah, it's not cool. What are you talking about?

[B]

He's not getting it.

[C]

There's nothing better than just blowing a symbol of peace out of the sky.

[B]

I could see the comments.

[A]

Oh yeah? Yeah.

[B]

And obviously the audience is with Gareth. This is crazy. And Mike, let's go, brother.

[C]

Again, I've never killed one.

[B]

Neither have I, man. But my dream is to knock those sons of out there, brother.

[A]

Michael, my dream hunter. The hunter who's never gotten anything.

[B]

My dream is to get a rhino, man. Just take one of those big sons of down. I've never even been near one.

[A]

Now the comments are good.

[B]

I'm gonna start going to the zoo and hunting those animals. I want to take a draft.

[A]

Comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments.

[C]

Okay, so Mich, I'm sure being edited out. So let's see.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

It won't.

[B]

We're kind of liking the hate.

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Okay, so big Mike, hunter, alpha male type. I'm still not getting the issue. We got a gross ass. All I heard was four fridges in a beautiful house. And all I'm thinking about is that screened in porch, brother.

[A]

Yeah, it's great.

[B]

You and me sitting out there, dipping, sipping beers, talking about doves. We haven't killed.

[C]

We have all these extra fridges. The extra fridges are barely used. This wooden fridge is just sucking power and leaking all over the place.

[B]

Like the doves you don't kill.

[A]

Michael, I can't help but get like It's a dove.

[B]

And don't shoot it.

[A]

I can't help but get ahead of the answer to this, which is, get rid of this fridge.

[B]

Tell us why. Okay, get rid of it.

[C]

This is the problem. My wife has this sentimental attachment to the fridge because it was. It's been there as long as the house has been, and it. She's like. Yeah, I use it sometimes. My wife drinks. She's. She's a beer drinker. She'll put a, like, 12 pack of beer in there.

[B]

Drink it in your life, Michael.

[A]

I love his life.

[C]

Me too. Man, you got a great thing. Just this fridge. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so she's.

[C]

So we had a housewarming party. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

[B]

You go, you go, you go.

[C]

Okay. So the other issue is, we had this housewarming party. All of our friends were there. It was great. Had a great time. And she just started talking about how I have. I got nothing but hate for this fridge. And she's. She's recruited my friends to, like, shame me about not wanting the fridge. So it's like, very. It was a. It was a good natured pile on, but it was a pylon nonetheless.

[A]

So even those hurt, you know?

[C]

So I'm just like, I'm done with this fridge. I was outside staring at it the other night, and I actually started to Google, like, ways to sabotage a fridge. And I felt like that was going too far. And I'm like, this. This is a problem. For.

[B]

Yeah, for this.

[A]

I called the right place at the right time.

[B]

Yeah. So I have my first pitch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Michael, what do you think about. And you're right. And because now we're friends and you and me are both guys, I've built an office in my backyard, kind of.

[A]

Hold on, though.

[B]

I've definitely never killed an animal, but I'm a hunter.

[A]

Hold on.

[C]

Me neither.

[A]

You and him are friends. What are you doing?

[B]

Very similar guys.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I do jiu jitsu, but I've never tapped anybody out.

[A]

Do you feel. Do you feel what's happening to you right now?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, you're just kind of trying to, like, sadly pal up to him.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, you're trying to, like, you feel it.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Hey, brother, can I push this forward with Mike?

[A]

Sure, but anyone listening hears it, but go ahead.

[B]

All right, brother. So. Never killed an animal hunt like you.

[A]

No, but, Jake, if you wish, my.

[B]

Wife put beers in the fridge. We don't really drink a lot of alcohol because it gives us too much Histamines.

[A]

Jake. Jake.

[B]

It gets me rashy for her. She feels like it brings her mood down.

[A]

Jake, I would. Yeah, the voice is just. If you're gonna pitch, you've got to drop the voice. And the way you just kind of tried to man up by talking about your histamines.

[B]

Well, because I have an abundance of histamines in my system.

[A]

But you try to sound like a good old boy.

[B]

Yeah. I also just got a cosmetic dermatology appointment where I got, like, a cyst removed from my eye. And it hurt. She said I was tough. And I said, thanks. And she said, well, you can't get older if you're not tough. And I said, yeah, it's true. And then I thought, wait a second. She just called me older. Michael, this is about you, brother. Is it not killing doves, is it? Here's my.

[A]

And it's not about him not killing gun.

[B]

No. This is about the fridge you keep setting up. I have.

[A]

I know. Okay. It's over. Okay, you're right. It is actually becoming my fault. It is becoming my fault.

[D]

Stop.

[A]

It's becoming my fault.

[B]

I say we turn the fridge, because you are a handyman, into a shrine. I think in the middle of the night.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You take the wiring out, you clean out the fridge. So it's totally empty. But it is an art piece. It is a piece of furniture in the kitchen. And inside, you do something fun with it where you, like, put old photos of what the cabin used to look like.

[A]

Of your grandparents, too.

[B]

Your grandparents, too. Pictures of your grandparents. It's the childhood, the grandparents, memories. But it is no longer the grandparents in there.

[A]

No, no, the pictures of them, it's a memory box.

[B]

Kill them like the doves, brother.

[A]

No, no. I think, you know, this happens on a lot of these rescue shows. Like, it'll be. Someone will be attached to the nostalgia of something that is not serving the place any longer.

[B]

Like, they will go like, Chip Gaines type.

[A]

Thank you. No, it's Chris Gaines. Chris Gates. No, it's Chris.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

I'm sure.

[C]

Joanne gave home improvement. Guys. Chip.

[B]

Chip.

[A]

Oh, Chip Gaines.

[D]

Chris.

[C]

Chris Gaines is alter ego.

[B]

Chris Gains is Garth Bros.

[A]

Wait, who's Chip Gaines?

[B]

Chip Gaines, Is that. There's a. Yeah, go ahead, Michael.

[D]

The.

[C]

The DIY guy with this.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, I'm thinking. Well, maybe I'm thinking more like taffer. I'm a taffer man.

[B]

No, you're not.

[C]

A Traffic Brooks's rock and roll alter ego.

[A]

That's who I am.

[B]

That is so funny, man.

[C]

But but the same.

[A]

But the. Soon enough.

[B]

That's who Jeff Gaines is.

[A]

Garrett, that is.

[B]

That is you. Dude. Watch his personality. It's a. Whenever he knocks down a wall, he always, like, jumps through it to be funny.

[A]

Well, that's obvious.

[B]

He's Robert.

[A]

I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. Yes, Right. But what I would do is, like, that's what he does, though. He'll. I would take like old pictures. And I think this is basically Jake's pitch. You don't need. She doesn't need the fridge. So why don't you get her. Why don't you get her a tinier fridge?

[B]

No, we got enough fridges, baby.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

He's mentioned four fridges.

[A]

But why don't we turn it into something that's a little bit about the cab and transitioning from old hands to new hands. We can put some pictures of your grandparents in there. We can put some pictures of you guys in there. We can maybe make it a little bit more of like a sweeter thing versus, like a thing that is useless and not used. Do you think she'll go for it, though? My only worry is too late.

[B]

She's already. It's like the doves. He doesn't kill. They're out of the air.

[A]

Well, the worry is that you're. That you know, she's. You get. You already had this pile on, so you're gonna be like, it's another.

[C]

She may go for that, especially Michael.

[B]

If you just do it without telling her. And inside there's a sweet. Think of Chip and Joanne Gaines the way that Joanne always does it. A little sweet. Add a little bit of sweetness to it where she opens it and she's like, oh. And then go like, I know how much this meant to you and I don't want to get rid of it. So now it could live forever and not leak on our new floors.

[C]

So I do this. I do wood burned art, like, for fun.

[B]

And why don't you make us a we're here to help one?

[C]

Oh, would love to.

[B]

Oh, we would love it.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Who could you.

[C]

I don't know what I would put on the front of this wooden fridge.

[A]

Her.

[B]

No, no, I wouldn't mess with the. I wouldn't hear. I wouldn't mess with the aesthetic of it.

[A]

I agree. She likes it.

[B]

I would. I would leave the exterior exactly as it is.

[A]

You're just gutting the inside.

[C]

It's big.

[B]

Yeah. But I would leave it exactly how it is. And inside. You know what I would Do. I would turn the inside into storage. Here's what I would really do. I would take away all the electricity on it. I'd take away all the cords. Then I would build it. So it's almost like a little pantry. I'd put wooden shelves in it. So you open it, and it's storage for the kitchen, which she's gonna need anyhow. So you have an area in there that you could have a little bit of food, a little bit of whatever, for, like, late.

[C]

Late towels or something.

[B]

Yes, exactly Right. So it is functional. It is cute. But visually, it reminds her of her childhood. And so it's the new place with a little bit of the old that's been updated.

[A]

Love that. And I think there's a solid idea.

[B]

And that's exactly what they would do on these shows.

[A]

I do think there's a way for you to maybe bring some nostalgia into it with a word burn. Like, there might be a way for you to kind of keep, like. I don't know exactly what it would be, but there's something maybe in there that you can make it a little upgraded a little bit. If you're gonna make it storage, which I like. Something where it's like.

[B]

Do grandpa and grandma have a nickname? Do they call the fridge anything? I mean, do they call the lake house anything, like the chalet or.

[C]

It was called the fun house. That's what the grandchildren called.

[B]

Why don't we.

[A]

Yes, yes, let's. Why don't we do that? Why don't we wood burn in there? The fun house. That's the background. You put some shelves in there.

[B]

And when did. When did grandma and Grandpa first buy it?

[C]

87.

[B]

So I would say the fun house. 1987. Dash. And you do not put the N down.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

So the fun house was born 1987, and whenever it gets moved on, it gets moved on. But that fridge door will stay forever like a wall. When kids are growing up and you mark their heights.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

This is a very good idea, Michael.

[A]

I agree. Michael, do you think that you'll be able to do it, like, pitch her on the idea, or do you want.

[B]

To do it, like, in secret?

[C]

It.

[B]

You just did it in secret, brother.

[C]

No, I. I really don't think there's a way I could do all that.

[B]

Work in secret and.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

In secret.

[B]

On the phone.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

What's that?

[B]

Should we have her on the show?

[A]

Let us pitch her on it.

[C]

Oh, yes, that would. I was actually kind of hoping for that.

[A]

Is she there?

[C]

Then it's like you can. You can pile on her the way.

[A]

Exactly. In a loving way, yes. Is she there?

[C]

I mean, and this is not like a sore spot. It's good nature.

[B]

And even if it is, it's okay. We've done about 200. We've done about 500 calls.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's not our life, it's yours. We're fine. Is she there right now, Michael?

[C]

She is, yeah.

[A]

Should we do this?

[B]

Yeah, let's do it.

[A]

What's her name? Michael? Or what should we call her?

[C]

Her name is Tanya. You can call her Tanya.

[A]

Tanya, are you there? I'm here. Hi.

[B]

What's up, mama?

[A]

Ignore Jake. He's sort of Elvising in a bad way lately. But Tanya, you're on. We're here to help. I hope you're okay with this. We were talking to Michael a little bit and we just learned about the cabin. We love the cabin, first of all. We think it's awesome.

[B]

Fun house.

[A]

We think everything has been. Sounds great. Are you having a good time with that?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. You're a little thrown by what's happening and that's fine. Michael kind of brought us up to speed on how everything is fantastic there, but there's only one tiny issue and we're trying to solve it for you.

[D]

Okay, sounds good.

[A]

Okay. So I mean, it's the fridge. I don't know if we want to just dive right in. But the fridge, the old fridge is power wise. It's sucking energy and we love the fridge.

[B]

How do you think you're doing with this, Gary?

[A]

Not good. My hand's shaking.

[B]

Here's what we're pitching. Okay. We want to convert the old 80s fridge in the kitchen, which we all love, with the wood paneling we want because it's dripping water right now on the new floors. We were thinking of taking all the wiring out of it and converting it either into a storage or like a place for photos.

[A]

Like a nostalgia bit bin.

[B]

Like a nostalgia bin. And on the front of it, Michael was thinking of burning into the wood at the top. Fun House, 1987 Dash to like pay respect to it so it stays in the kitchen. So visually it's the same, but we just get rid of the. The leaky water aspect of it. Your thoughts?

[D]

Well, it's really the only thing that's wrong with it is it needs a new seal.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

I mean, it's true. And his friends are very supportive of us keeping the fridge.

[C]

Oh, here we go.

[A]

Well, we know.

[C]

They'Re piling on to pile on.

[A]

Well, what about this.

[C]

There's part of her that wants to see how long it will last.

[D]

This is true. I want to see if this bridge outlives me.

[B]

That's cool, Jake.

[A]

Hang in there.

[D]

I mean, this fridge. My grandparents built this lake house on Hartwell when I was five years old. And it was the original fridge in the kitchen. And then when they upgraded their fridge and freezer, they had, you know, they moved this fridge outside into a nice screened in porch that's out here overlooking the lake. And it's just great to keep beer in it and beverages in it for friends and guests.

[A]

We saw a picture of it. Didn't look like it was being used a lot. That's where we sort of jumped in.

[B]

So, Michael, is it in the kitchen?

[D]

That's because I just drank all the.

[A]

Beer out of it.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

A lot of beer.

[B]

Michael, why do you want to get rid of it?

[D]

Exactly. Exactly.

[B]

Mike. Who cares, man?

[A]

This is what Jake does, Michael.

[B]

But I'm just. Now ask. Let's get to the bottom of this. But why do you want to get rid it, Michael, if it's on the back porch, but it's leaking on an outdoor porch?

[A]

Yeah, but it's leaking.

[B]

No, it just needs a sealer.

[D]

It's just the seal. It's, it's, it's a, it's. It's dripping a little bit inside the fridge because.

[A]

Is there a power issue at all? Someone alluded to that early in the call.

[D]

I'm pretty sure Michael doesn't even know how much wattage this fridge has been using. Like, I even offered to pay. I even offered to pay $20 a month to him to make up for the power bill.

[B]

Mike, we're gonna lose here, babe. No, Mike. Mike, jump in.

[C]

Is this the first call in the show's history where you're not on the original callers?

[A]

No, Michael, this is actually a consistent theme, which is when we bring in the person who the call is about, Jake jumps ship pretty quick.

[B]

What do you think, Gareth?

[A]

I. My pitch in the middle would be why don't I have two pitches?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

One I don't think Tanya's gonna like because I think she just wants to ride it out for some a childhood reason that I don't think I'm gonna be able to argue against. So my pitch would be, instead of paying him 20 bucks a month, let's get a fridge repair guy out there and instead of seeing how long until this thing dies, let's give it a shot for longevity. Get rid of the Leak, see what we can upgrade. And if we're going to have it out there, let's make it the best fridge it can be.

[B]

And Tanya pays for it.

[A]

Yes, I'm.

[D]

Yeah, I'll do that. That's fine.

[B]

Michael, your thoughts on that?

[C]

I'm. I'm okay with that. If we can decide right now that once it does die, we turn it into the nostalgia.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Hold on. I think we just got to something. Tanya, if you guys bring a repair person there and that repair person says it's not worth saving, are you okay to let it die? Similar to. Let's say you shoot a dove, you're hunting. Yeah. But you don't get a clean shot. You just get like it's shoulder with a BB gun and you take it to the vet.

[D]

Absolutely.

[B]

And the vet says this, it's time for this guy to go. So why don't we get a repair person there, they give their honest assessment, and if that repair person says, yeah, it's got two more years in it, then great. But the second it's time for it to die, you allow Michael to convert it into an antique relic.

[D]

I mean, yes, I would be okay with that.

[B]

Michael, are you okay with that?

[A]

That.

[C]

That's perfect. It's a wonderful compromise.

[B]

I think so too. I think we signed the contract. I think everybody's happy.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

So are you two both happy with this call?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

I mean, as happy as you're gonna be on this. Tanner, we've gotten your vibe already that you're not that psyched to be here. And Michael's definitely gotten a lot quieter since you got on. And that's true, Michael.

[C]

It is very true, Michael.

[B]

You and me were bros. We were hunting buddies who've never.

[A]

Never happened. Delusional. Now let's. Okay, so are we. If we're both good with that, let's say we're good with that. And then after the call, Michael, follow up. Well, yeah, absolutely. But after the call, you know, let's just. Let's hug. Let's make sure there's a hug right away. On a fridge. A fridge embrace. Because I don't want there to be. I don't want there to be any roast them. We got enough ice in the house. We don't need it between each other right now.

[D]

You know what? I'm gonna get my daughter to take a photo of us hugging. Hugging the wooden fridge.

[A]

That's what we like to hear.

[B]

And can we post that?

[D]

Absolutely. Time with posting it.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And that will be helpful. And then Michael, by the way, that's.

[A]

Gonna go in the fridge when it dies.

[B]

That's a great idea.

[C]

Oh, that's a great idea.

[B]

That is a. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. And you could maybe. That could be the wood art on the COVID of it.

[A]

It could be. Yes, very true. It could be the logo burn.

[B]

You guys hugging the fridge on the front of it when it finally dies. Will you follow up with us after the repair guy comes so we know what's happening with this fridge?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Both of you guys, thanks so much for this call.

[A]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Love the show.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Appreciate it.

[A]

Thank you. Bye.

[B]

Sweet Jesse here.

[A]

This next call is a follow up to episode 195. It's a parade with Ty Burrell.

[B]

Give me one quick sec.

[A]

Is he seriously? Why don't we just.

[B]

The framing was wrong. Everybody knows it's still wrong.

[A]

Let's just. You've got to let the next caller in. Let's let. Will you let the next caller in? We need to talk about this.

[B]

Now we're talking.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

It's better.

[A]

Okay. Hello. Hold on. We're starting. We're going to let this person know what?

[B]

Definitely better.

[A]

Hi, caller. Hi. Welcome to the show. Before we. We get into your information, let's just talk about what just happened. Jake had to take a break to get the gorilla picture in his office properly framed so that he's perfectly flanked by a chimpan and a gorilla painting. I mean, and then what is you. What is your. What is the material your chair is made out of? You are taking on the vibe of, like, a South African poacher. Very quick.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

No, it's not a compliment.

[B]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

Can we get your name, please?

[D]

This is Carissa.

[A]

All right. Hi, Chris. Well, welcome back, Carissa. Where are you calling from, Carissa?

[D]

Arizona.

[A]

Arizona. What was the first call, Chris? And let us know how it's going.

[D]

The first call was about my dad's gross outdoor pee spot.

[B]

This is with the grass. All right, Chris, so walk us through the problem again and what we pitched and what you did.

[D]

Alrighty. So my dad was married to one specific spot, and the smell was so foul that my mom was very upset about it.

[B]

Yeah, I get it.

[D]

And you guys gave me two pitches. One was to set up security cameras, like, around the barn area, because that's where I thought he was doing this. And then to imagine that there was, like, a third party that these images were being sent to.

[B]

Both good ideas.

[D]

Well, the second pitch was the one that Ty Suggested. And he had to put a toddler training toilet, like, in the location where demean him. Yes. So I was going to do the first one with the security cameras. I purchased them, went to where I thought it was, and my mom told me that I was wrong. It's not by the barn. It's actually much worse. It's by where the former pig pen is and, like, near the trailer that he uses.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And pig pen is a mistake. I think that's a good place to do it. Well, the smell's already there. That makes sense. That's different.

[A]

A lot going on now. Wasn't the idea that you were gonna set these cameras up and then you were gonna kind of. You were telling your dad. You were gonna be like, hey, you know, I got. Or I have these cameras for whatever reason. And then it's going to the third party. So when did you find out that he's actually pissing at a pig pen? Pre. Letting him know about the setup or post.

[D]

It was kind of pre. It was. I purchased them. And then my mom had. She was so excited about when I told her that I was talking to Ty and to you guys that she listened to the episode. She showed my dad. And then we went ahead and put the toilet where the actual spot is.

[A]

The toddler toilet.

[D]

Exactly. Yes. The training toilet. And so I sent photos to Natalie of where the actual spot is, where the supposed spot was. And then my mom.

[A]

You mentioned that you.

[D]

You. Your mom showed it to your dad. So. And was very excited.

[B]

So I got your text, showed the podcast to the down. I'm getting a little confused.

[D]

Oh, right. And. Yeah. And he listened to it. And so the text messages that you see are him while he's listening to it. Like him and her.

[A]

This is a leak in the. The plan.

[B]

But all I see is he wanted to hear it. You don't. Then dad said, you don't look. You wrote, you don't look amused. Dad. Did he like Phil Dunphy's impression of him? Then they say okay to pee outside. Thumbs up.

[D]

Yep. That was my dad saying that.

[A]

So your dad's. Your dad took from this that we say it's okay to pee outside.

[D]

Yes. And my mom decided to jazz up the toilet with your guys's logo. She was gonna do, like, a rap.

[A]

This is quite.

[B]

Okay. So that's where dad. Peace. It's a beautiful shot, but by the way.

[A]

Beautiful shot.

[B]

That's actually. That could be hotel art. It is.

[A]

That is. So this actually. This is a framable picture.

[B]

I. I agree That's a beautiful. If I saw that in like a cool lobby. Yeah, it is a beautiful shot. You see like rod iron. You see a horse, you see the sun setting and then there's a little kids outdoor piss toilet. That makes no sense.

[A]

It. And, and I will say the toilet. That's another win there. The toilet is. It is very tiny and demeaning. It is very.

[B]

He's gonna piss all over the seat.

[A]

Yeah. And. And the why it's a good pitch from Ty is because you do look at this and you're like. That would make you be like empathy.

[B]

I would look like I'm a little baby boy pissing in the great outdoors.

[A]

Now your dad doesn't sit on it and do it, he just pisses into it.

[B]

I would assume a man stands when he pees.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I think we're all saying the same thing. Oh, and now it got. Now, now we've got some. Now this no longer hotel art.

[B]

This is now humiliating for us.

[A]

It's now humiliating. So now the image is. Yeah, now the image is of a rusty trailer back where the kids couple of goose. And. And we've got the. We're here to help and.

[B]

Did you put my face in the hole where he pees?

[D]

I didn't do it. My mom did it.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Just mine. Where's parents?

[A]

Once again. Once again, near the bottom of the toilet. He.

[B]

You, you. You piss on my face but it drowns you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Jake gets a little bit but then I drown in it.

[B]

What? Okay, so. And it looks like there's some water marks on it. Look at. Right, look at my left eye. That's where it's gotten hit.

[A]

No, absolutely.

[B]

He's aiming.

[A]

Jake got hit.

[B]

By the way. Gary, you look tiny.

[A]

I. I mean look, you're. We're piss soaked. I mean who knows what's about to happen. This is.

[B]

This is wild. So your dad has been pissing on our logo.

[A]

So. Okay, just to be clear. So our pitch was.

[B]

I didn't imagine this.

[A]

Set up some security cameras and that will. We will tell your father that they are going to a third party location where they'll probably see his dick. Like that's the kind of the information your mother sends your dad. The podcast your dad takes from it. I'm allowed to pee there. So you go with the Thai pitch of putting the kid toilet out there and your mom just because I guess we're now associated with this tiny toilet. Puts our faces in the toilet as well as the art on the seat of the toilet. And your dad is pissing all over us. Right next to the pig pen.

[D]

Yes and no. He actually doesn't use it. It got water on it when she left it by the kitchen sink.

[A]

So it's just sitting out there, right?

[D]

No, my dad says that he now pees all over the property. So it's a win. You can ring that.

[B]

Oh, is that true?

[A]

Can I? Yeah.

[D]

He said he goes everywhere.

[B]

That's all we really wanted.

[A]

Okay, exactly, Garrett.

[B]

This one doesn't feel good, but it's definitely a win.

[A]

No, no, it's a nice twist at the I. We just came off a real win.

[B]

I know, but all I said was he can't be in the same spot.

[A]

We're happy he's grazing. Let him graze another. Other pastures. That's what.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

Well, this is a big win.

[A]

Yeah. Great. Well, thank you so much, Carissa. Thank your dad for pissing everywhere. Thanks to Ty Barrel, whose pitch stood the test of time.

[B]

And actually, hell, if you can get a photo from behind of your dad pissing outside, we don't need to see hog, obviously. But if we could just get a shot of an old guy pissing in that beautiful landscape, we'd love to post it.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay. I mean, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if mom could snap one of him.

[A]

You did buy all these security cameras. It can't be that hard to sneak a picture.

[B]

But that's something I'd like to tag Ty Burrell on. On Instagram.

[A]

Be great if you want.

[B]

With no setup. Give Ty a little closure.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[A]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[B]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[A]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod. What's up, everybody?

[B]

I'm Kyle Mooney.

[A]

And what's up, everybody?

[C]

I'm Beck Banner.

[B]

And man. Ooh, we got something to tell you.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called what's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on.

[B]

And they tell us what they think.

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Our podcast should be about, and then we try it. Yep.

[B]

Guests like Marc Maron, Jack Black, Brittany.

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Broski, Kate Berlant, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.

[B]

And Tim Balt. Landon Axler, Jory, Joanie McGree. And Dender. And Dender.

[A]

New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe.

[B]

To what's Our Podcast?

[A]

On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.