221: Butt Funnel & Shaky in the Mouth

Summary

WE’RE HERE TO HELP – EPISODE 221: “BUTT FUNNEL & SHAKY IN THE MOUTH”

Release Date: October 22, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds

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Brief Overview

In this lively and laughter-filled episode, Jake and Gareth return to their original advice-giving format, taking calls from listeners with their signature blend of silly banter and genuine attempts to help. The episode features an enthusiastic recap of a recent concert, a deep dive into how to get young basketball players to “box out,” a hilarious exploration of friendship, sports coaching, and the invention of the “butt funnel.” Later, they help a longtime listener navigate a tricky dentist/friend breakup, and cap things off with a follow-up caller's quest to win Milwaukee’s best bar trivia. As always, the hosts’ comedic chemistry makes everyday dilemmas entertaining.

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EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS & KEY DISCUSSION POINTS

1. Returning to Format, Friendship, and Show Updates

• Timestamps: [01:33]–[03:06]
• Jake and Gareth announce they’re returning to their original, two-person format after experimenting with games and new segments.
• They encourage fans to vote on the Steve Calendar and tease upcoming guest Ryan Gaul.
• Jake shares a story about a spontaneous trip to see Chappell Roan in concert with his daughters, enjoying the Coachella-like vibe:

  “I have never been in a crowd of people that was so nice and chill.” – Jake [05:31]

Notable Quote

“My favorite part was just being the dad—like, the group called me Dad all night.” —Jake [07:10]

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2. Warm-Up Question and The Jungle Turkey

• Timestamps: [15:41]–[18:39]
• The hosts bring back their signature “weird questions” for callers. Heather is asked: if she was running through the jungle, what animal would she want to see?
  • Heather, in a left-field move, says she’d want to see her suburban pet turkey, Steve, “because if he were in the jungle, then he would be free and I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore.” [18:11]

Notable Moment

Jake and Gareth riff on the idea—Heather’s turkey would not survive in the jungle:

“He would be free for one second… everything would eat that turkey.” —Jake & Gareth [18:25]

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3. CALL 1: Coaching Challenges – Getting Girls to Box Out

• Timestamps: [18:46]–[32:16]

• Caller: Heather from Connecticut, assistant coach for her daughter’s 7th grade basketball team.

• Problem: Despite constant reminders, the players aren’t “boxing out” during games—even though they will do it in practice.

  • Jake and Gareth discuss how kids sometimes do the opposite of what parents and coaches say.

• Advice:

  • Turn boxing out into a dance/game at practice—incorporate music and reward physical engagement (e.g., butt dance with Nicki Minaj): “Who can knock the girls closest to the bleachers without using their hands?” —Jake [24:45]
  • Rename the move from “box out” to something more fun/clear like “butt bump,” “butt push,” or (jokingly) “butt funnel.”
    • The Butt Funnel: Detour into a hilarious aside about the “butt funnel”—an architectural dancefloor feature from Bar Rescue meant to promote mingling by forcing people to rub butts as they squeeze through:

      “The butt funnel is a small opening in a dance floor, and as they walk through, they rub butts… The more people interact, the more fun they have.” —Natalie quoting John Taffer [27:26]

• Game-ifying Box Outs:

  • Keep track of in-game box outs and reward most active players with pizza, a crown, or a special privilege (e.g., sitting out a drill in practice).
  • Implement a “box out thermometer” to track the team’s cumulative effort toward a group pizza party.
  • Heather is enthusiastic about these suggestions and agrees to try them.

Notable Quotes

“Maybe we turn it into a game with music. Get Nicki Minaj blasting…” —Jake [24:31]
“Whoever does the most butt bumps, box outs, gets to wear the box crown! Then take their picture like ‘employee of the week’.” —Jake [29:52]

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4. CALL 2: Breaking Up With a Shaky Dentist

• Timestamps: [34:15]–[56:00]
• Caller: Matt, 65, prompted by his daughters to seek advice.
• Problem: Matt’s longtime friend and dentist (40+ years) has developed shaky hands—he describes a recent visit:

  “As he’s working on me, his hands start to shake... and I’m thinking, this is not going to go well if this continues.” [35:56]

• Matt has already seen a new (younger) dentist and seeks advice on how to end things with his old friend/dentist without hurting feelings.
• Advice:
  • Jake and Gareth debate ghosting; both think it doesn’t fit someone of Matt’s generation and the nature of the friendship.
  • They brainstorm several exit strategies:
    • White Lie: Claiming a daughter or her boyfriend is a dentist, so “I have to go to them now.” [42:16]
    • Fake Injury: Dramatically react to the dentist’s shaky work in the chair (role-playing ensues—hilariously).

      “Get out of my mouth!” —Matt (during role-play), with Jake and Gareth howling [46:10]

    • Fake Funeral: Have one of Matt’s daughters send word he passed away—then rule it out as too “dark.”
    • Insurance excuse: Claim insurance no longer covers the dentist
  • BEST AND CHOSEN SOLUTION: Politely tell the old dentist you need to see your daughter’s dentist (or her boyfriend’s), but emphasize staying in touch socially and offer to meet for lunch.

    “No matter what, let’s find each other for a lunch real soon. On me.” —Jake [55:13]

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Matt shares a story about Jake’s dad coping with Parkinson’s:

  “He said: ‘My hand is shaking like it’s somebody else’s, but they killed my dick, so I can’t even do anything fun with it!’” —Jake relaying his father [38:02]

• Intense and funny role-play about confronting the dentist, capped off with:

  “If we were a show that had sound clips, just clip ‘Get out of my mouth!’ the way you just said it.” —Jake [46:18]

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5. CALL 3: Trivia Host Follow-Up – Building a Dynasty

• Timestamps: [58:09]–[64:32]
• Caller: Joe from Milwaukee (returning from episode 205)
• Problem: Joe hosts bar trivia and wants to win “Best of” again as he retires.
• Updates:
  • Built a website (Squarespace shout-out), created campaign material, and found two replacement candidates.
  • The hosts commit to helping with publicity and propose a live audition segment for the new host role on the podcast.
• Notable Quote:

  “We're fully independent, homegrown… we're not a big franchise trivia… we give out the best prizes.” —Joe [62:02]

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6. Educational Bird Tangent: Budgie vs. Parakeet

• Timestamps: [64:38]–[65:25]
• Listener Jenny informs them that "budgie" is short for “budgerigar” (parakeet in US), native to Australia—a callback to previous episodes' confusion.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS (with Timestamps)

• “He would be free for one second… everything would eat that turkey.” – Gareth [18:44]
• “Maybe we call it the butt bump… The Butt Funnel!” – Gareth & Jake [25:13]
• “John Taffer—yes, Jake, the butt funnel.” – Gareth [28:00]
• “Get out of my mouth!” – Matt (role-play) [46:10]
• “We would love to produce your [fake] funeral and get involved.” – Gareth [48:40]
• “This show is not about: how do we close down the shop of a dentist.” – Jake [54:08]
• “If we were a show that had sound clips, just clip: ‘Get out of my mouth!’” – Jake [46:18]
• “No matter what, let’s find each other for a lunch real soon. On me.” —Jake [55:13]

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SEGMENT TIMESTAMPS

• [01:33] – Hosts return to original format, friendship banter, concert recap
• [15:41] – Warm-up “jungle animal” question with Heather
• [18:46] – Heather’s coaching dilemma (“box out”), butt funnel tangent, brainstorming solutions
• [34:15] – Matt’s dentist/friend breakup problem, series of pitches/roleplay
• [58:09] – Joe’s trivia follow-up, updates and plans for future segments
• [64:38] – Bird terminology clarification by listener Jenny

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TONE & LANGUAGE

The episode is informal, cheeky, and laced with expletives and absurd bits. Jake and Gareth play off each other with relentless, self-deprecating humor, always bringing warmth and genuine concern to their listeners' problems.

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CONCLUSION

Episode 221 is quintessential “We’re Here to Help”—a showcase of weird advice, hilarious digressions (the “butt funnel”), real-world dilemmas, and the relatable anxieties of friendship, parenting, and aging. The hosts’ playful role-play and the supportive, raucous way they approach each caller’s problem make the advice memorable—if not always entirely practical. A must-listen for fans of improvised comedy and unconventional life advice!

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast. Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[A]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you teach me. So, Dana.

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Wow, impressive. Let me T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

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Nice. Jeffrey. You heard them.

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Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition. So what are we having for launch?

[B]

Dude, my work here is done.

[A]

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[B]

That's right. Solo sesh.

[A]

Solo.

[B]

The bread and butter.

[A]

We've been doing a lot of other formats, chats, the rocket money stuff. The friendship game's been going to Vandy camp. So we're gonna do. We're gonna get back to format for a while just because it's fun to keep changing things around. We appreciate you all sticking with us and we're having a load of fun, aren't we, Gary?

[B]

Oh, yeah, we are. We're in the middle of a good session today too.

[A]

Great session today. So fun. And then everybody go vote today because we're about to lock in the calendar. So we need to pick slash Steve calendar, I believe.

[B]

You know who texted me last night about the Steve calendar with great joy? Ryan Gall.

[A]

Ryan Gall texted me too, and I texted him back, come on the show.

[B]

I he.

[A]

So he's gonna come on soon?

[B]

Yes, let's.

[A]

Do you mean him?

[B]

Great. He said 10 out of 10.

[A]

He said, I haven't heard from him in ages. He's gonna be so good on this show.

[B]

He's the best. Yeah, the best. But yeah. So the people are talking. Yeah.

[A]

So everybody do that vote because we want to wrap that up pretty soon. And then I'll tell you something, Gareth, that just Happened?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I saw Chapel run in concert.

[B]

Oh, right.

[A]

And she fucking brought the house down.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I got to tell you, I didn't really know her music beforehand. I knew it a little. I know Pink Pony Club. You know, there are certain of these musicians, like a Billie Eilish. I know Olivia Rodriguez. I listened to. She just hadn't come into my thing.

[B]

And I mean, your daughter's huge fans, obviously.

[A]

No, no, the way it actually happened was she was doing a concert at the Rose bowl and we, my daughter and I were driving to go practice some volleyball the park. And she goes, oh, I think there's a concert here today. And then I was like, huh? And she goes, can we go? And I was like, no, we haven't planned it. And then I looked last minute and she had a general admission. She did it like her own festival.

[B]

Oh, that's so cool.

[A]

It was a huge park. It wasn't like a. It was an all day thing. It opened at 4. There were like food trucks and drink. It was like she created Coachella or it never been. But I would consider the Horde festivals of the 90s, but just for a day.

[B]

Yeah, that's great.

[A]

And so we just went last second. I was like. I looked at the tickets, very reasonable. And I'm like, there's still openings? Yeah, there's openings. There was 50,000 people there.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It was a mouth.

[B]

So what? So you just go home, you just get.

[A]

So I text my wife, I go, we good? And she goes, go for it. So my other daughter's like, hell yeah, man. So we pick her up, we go to the concert. We get there. We're some of the first people there. We get there at 4:30. Doors opened at 4:30.

[B]

Oh, that's great too, to the whole thing.

[A]

It was. I felt like we were tailgating. They had all these events where you could like walk to different. It was fun. So we just leaned in, we walked in different areas. And then they had like glam squads where you could get like sparkles all over your face. There's lines of people everywhere. Everybody's into it now.

[B]

When you go to the sparkle station, obviously your daughters get it done. Any part of you ever lean into that? Are you?

[C]

I did.

[B]

You did, yeah. Good for you.

[A]

And I did it poorly. I did it like sunscreen.

[B]

You put your own sparkle on.

[A]

You just grab a handful and rub it in your face. And they went like, you've done this incorrectly.

[B]

See, it's funny that you led with this is how you do it. And then it's like wrong.

[A]

Well, they did it right. They had like three sections. Everybody was doing it right. I got up there, I just grabbed a glob, threw it on my face.

[B]

Dad. Okay.

[A]

They just literally went like, oh, it's awful, man.

[B]

Like, yeah, you look like.

[A]

You look like a shooting star in a sweatshirt.

[B]

You look like the more, you know. Star.

[A]

Exactly. But then there's a. They had like a DJ and you know, it was just a load. It was crazy. But what I will say the point of the story is I have never been in a crowd of people that was so nice and chill. It was like, you know, you go to concerts and there's always a vibe. There's always a feeling. You're like, all right, like everybody.

[B]

There's always an issue. There's always some issue. There's someone where you're like, there's some.

[A]

Banging into people because they're so drunk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Midway through, I was like, it's getting dark. There's a lot of partying. Maybe not totally kid appropriate at this point of the night. Did I make a mistake? And I was like, feels like the safest place to have two kids. I was like, this is great. That woman put on a banger.

[B]

I was just going to say, now are your daughters fans now?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Cuz that's.

[A]

They were fans before, but after that it was music. And what I realized about her and a lot of these performers right now, these people are killing it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, she. There was moments of the show that felt like Thriller. She was like full. The stage was built. I was like, this is a full on fucking show. That's great. Well done. And I was definitely an old man there. We were hanging out with this group next to us and the guy next to us kept referring to me as dad all night. Why he'd be like, dad, don't worry, the next song you're gonna like, they just. I was just dad to our little group that we had formed. Your posy.

[B]

Your pop of the posy.

[A]

Well, you're so old man, you go. I was like, this is a young group of people.

[B]

You know what's great though? Because I. You. We always say this even I don't know, like Berg or I or Eric, like, you really are such a good dad. I the, the thing when I hear like, go to an event like this on the fly, it makes me go.

[A]

Like, by the way, me and my life. Yes, right.

[B]

But that's the thing.

[A]

But Gareth, you would do the same.

[B]

Yeah, I guess.

[A]

Yeah. So it, it's you can't even judge yourself. Yay or nay until you're there. Yeah, you and I are exactly the same. I wouldn't go to Dick Van Dyke with one of my best friends in the world, right?

[B]

No.

[A]

If you said to me, hey, man, I'm in town, you want to go to this concert, I would go, Gareth, I love you. I never.

[B]

You know what? I just figured out how to get.

[A]

You to Vandy Camp, have my kids interested.

[B]

We got to get your kids. We got to, we got to cut you out of it. We got to go right to your kids and get them into going to Vandycamp with Uncle Eric.

[A]

You know what we can talk about briefly? What do you think of the Vandy Kept finale? It aired on Friday. Today's Wednesday.

[B]

I, you know, I loved it. I. I love the whole thing. I think we are lucky to have Eric for so many reasons. But now that we have enabled it into the content part of lies, we are getting a lot of juice out of Eric's odd decisions to go involve himself into the elderly circuit of catching people on the downside in a way where he fully supports it, he adores it, and the whole Vandy Camp saga to be. I think we did reach the end point.

[A]

We did. We have to.

[B]

But I am excited for more and I really do think there was controversy. It was bizarre. He's wearing a 70s detective Japanese rainwear outfit. It just is fantastic. And on that episode, we get to see Eric, Eric like a mama bear sort of swatting us away from the cubs and attacking a very docile Steve Berg for his memory, repeatedly. I just couldn't stop. Stop laughing at that.

[A]

It was. It was incredible. My favorite part of it was at the end, Eric and I, who, you know, not only have we been great friends for a while, we've been partners creatively. We've worked together a bunch. We do a lot of this stuff. Similarly, we talked on the phone after my daughter went to bed till probably close to midnight, reviewing the thing as if it was game tape. And we broke down because he's right to say that felt very different than the we're here to chats.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And he was like, why did it feel so date? And we were trying to figure out. And I told him the truth. And that is whenever we've done these night shows, they feel different. And I don't know. I don't know if it's alcohol, I don't know if it's weed, but I was like, there is a different rhythm to it that's hard to figure out why.

[B]

You know, I think we, well, first of all, four of us, I think you're right. And Morgan, I think, I think also having, you know, saying we're gonna have a drink or two, like, something changes. I don't drink a lot at home on the solo, so. But I do, I think this sometimes when I'm like, if I'm gonna do like a show and I'm maybe tired and it's maybe, you know, I've done a bunch in a row. If I go, I'm gonna have a glass of wine while I'm out there. I go, oh, now I'm excited.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It changes my energy a little bit. And I'm like, oh, like a little weirdo. But I'm like, I get to have a glass of wine. But I also think it's an absurd event and it is just ripe for roasting.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

Vandy Camp, I think, has been the gift that keeps on giving. I'm sad to see it go, but I think it ended very well.

[A]

All right, enjoy the show.

[B]

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[A]

Gareth and I send money to each other via Zelle when we are in the hole to the other guy. The easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zell. Why? Because you owed to me, little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J and I do something for each other that to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly and we use Zell. We'll just every once in a while he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment, when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning at 7 before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little.

[B]

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[A]

All right, what do we got?

[B]

Well, we have a new caller. I wanted to ask you guys to do some of your weird questions because.

[A]

We'Ve gotten some comments and stuff that.

[B]

They miss them and we haven't been asking them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We've just been going straight into the calls without getting to know our people. Okay. All right.

[D]

Ready?

[B]

Yeah. Think of a weird question.

[A]

I got an idea.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Hello.

[D]

Hello. Hi.

[A]

How you doing?

[D]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[E]

Sure.

[D]

I'm Heather.

[A]

Hey, Heather, where are you calling from? Heath.

[D]

I live in Connecticut.

[A]

Connecticut. And we got a note that we have not been doing enough questions. And the fan is that we're here to help shirt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at you, Gareth.

[B]

It's got a big coffee stand on the bottom that I can't get out.

[A]

But, yeah, that'd be a cool design. So we are gonna go back to the questions. Hey, Nat Attack, you mind hopping on? Yeah, ask your little heart away.

[D]

Oh, you're gonna pin it back on me.

[A]

Hey, let your little heart sing, girl. Heather, Nat attack has a question for you.

[B]

No, I don't.

[D]

I want to say fuck you to you first.

[A]

Natak, this is not time to get nasty. We just met. Sweet.

[B]

That's just you.

[A]

Nope. Natach, go ahead. Let your little. Let your little heart sing.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't have any questions.

[A]

Yeah, sure you do. Just go for it. See what happens. Natach.

[B]

Welly, maybe you could ask her what.

[A]

A good question is to ask she has any doubt. You're not allowed to ask that question. Natalie will. Wait.

[B]

Take advice from a guy with a coffee stain.

[A]

You can't get out. Go ahead, Nat.

[D]

Heather, if you were running in the jungle, what animal would you.

[B]

Of all the ones.

[A]

By the way, great question. I don't know where you came up.

[B]

With the only way to feed yourself.

[A]

All right, this is a smart woman.

[B]

All right, Heather, the answer to what animal do you want to see again? It's a strange version of jungle terror. But, Heather, what. What animal would you want to see in the jungle?

[A]

Yeah, it is a weird second half of her question. What would you want?

[B]

I'll tell you what I'd want to see. A paramedic, hotel, bear grills.

[A]

Okay, you're running in the jungle with no contacts.

[B]

Well, are you hoping to see running? Oh, thank God. Hey, chimpanzee. Everything is gonna kill you.

[A]

Okay, what do you want to see?

[D]

I don't know, but maybe my suburban pet turkey, Steve, who lives in my backyard, because if he were in the jungle, then he would be free and I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore.

[A]

No, Heather, he would be full.

[B]

I'm gonna jump in at it. It's not a good environment for Your pet turkey to be in.

[A]

I wouldn't think of a turkey in the jungle. He'd be like this, look at me, I'm free.

[B]

Is it just a gorilla rips its head off?

[A]

He would be free for one second.

[B]

And she sees her turkey. I mean, where are we? We want to bring in the warm up questions.

[A]

Everything would eat that turkey.

[B]

All right, Heather, so you got a pet turkey named Steve, which is awesome. What's going on? What can we help you with today? Natalie left right away.

[D]

Okay, so I am the assistant coach on my daughter's seventh grade basketball team. And I've been coaching these girls since let's say third grade. So it's been a while. And I keep on every year building my like desire to get them to box out, which is like, you know, a pretty basic skill in basketball. And they won't do it. And I yell it from the sidelines like box out. And even sometimes I yell when the shot goes up and they all yell back to me, we box out.

[A]

But then they don't box out. Right.

[B]

Let's explain to international listeners or, or basketball fans what a box out is.

[A]

International is the wrong thing because basketball is international.

[B]

Yeah, but it's not as dumb.

[A]

Yeah, but that's just, it's so clearly the wrong thing to say. Okay, where is it basketball played?

[B]

It's that not every. Maybe in other countries it's not as popular and maybe they don't know the box out as well. Right now I'm in a jungle and I don't know what animal I want to see.

[A]

I'll tell you. You don't want to see the Jake animal.

[B]

I don't want to see you one.

[A]

Animal you don't want to see when you're running in the jungle. Oh, no, he's in a bad mood with I Gotcha.

[B]

The Pat the wild Pac Man.

[A]

Oh, no, you don't want to see Pac Man Jones.

[B]

So how would you, how would you explain the box out to people? It's just button out.

[A]

Heather, what is a box out? Can you explain it to our international audience who we respect?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Such a little butt kisser.

[B]

Except I'm not. Explain to our guys.

[A]

Respect. We love international audience.

[B]

It's a bit.

[A]

But also I do love you.

[B]

But also you guys are important.

[D]

Okay, so box out is basically you get yourself in between the other player, like the team you're playing against and the hoop and then you push them back mostly using like your butt.

[A]

Yeah. You use your body and you push.

[D]

Them back with your body. And then basically physics says that the ball will land in front of you as opposed to, like a lot of people jump straight up in the air and then the ball can kind of go wherever.

[B]

So it's international listeners. Physics is. It's like, it's.

[A]

Anyway, so here's what, here's what it is. And I think, I think, Heather, you said it kind of perfectly, but it's using your body legally to push the girl away so that the you get the rebound and not them. I will say this, and it's something I need to say for my own peace of mind. I've got two sixth grade girls. They're both playing sports, and I always believed I would be their coach. And I'm not going to. And I'll tell you why. We've been in the backyard, we practice a lot. It feels like anything I say to these girls athletically, they hear the opposite.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if there's just something about younger girls athletics or they just don't want to hear, but I'll say something that I think will be so clear and then like, the throwing motion will go in the other direction. So I'm in a zone now where I'm like, the less I talk, the better they do. And I don't know, Heather, if you have that experience too, like, their instincts are great, but if we're like, you know, hitting. And I'll go like, great. Okay, so here's what you want to do. Make sure you turn the hips and the elbows at the same time and really go into it. The next swing will be so wild. And I'll go, all right, totally scratch that. Just pretend I didn't talk. And then she'll go, what do I should do with the hips? Forget I talked. I'm just gonna pitch to you and do what you do, and then it's better.

[D]

I did recently retire from softball coaching for that very reason.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I get it.

[D]

But basketball, I'm still in the mix a little bit.

[A]

I respect the hell out of it.

[D]

The girls listen to me. I think maybe the other coaches are dudes. I don't know. It's nice to have a lady.

[A]

I do think there's a positivity about having a female. Let me give you a quick pitch. But I'm prefacing this with. I always thought I would be a great coach, and it turns out I'm a really bad one, which has been. You know, when my daughters played soccer, I thought I was going to coach. You want to know what I ended up doing refereeing.

[B]

Oh, that's worse.

[A]

I know it is, but I'm like, I'm going to be involved when they go to basketball now. You know what I do? I don't coach, but I yell a lot from the crowd.

[B]

That's a good zone for you. I know that's a perfect zone for.

[A]

You, but nobody likes it.

[B]

No, but that's right. That's, like, where you're able to freely speak, but also it's. It's a lower lift, and it's not. Not going to. You're not the kids. Yeah, that's. That's why we need you.

[A]

Yeah, I did. That's not your Brock. I thought I was.

[B]

You're our Brock.

[A]

Yeah. That's not what I thought it was going to be. Gary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's what. Here's what I would suggest, Heather, and take this for the grain of salt coming from me. Maybe we do something where you do a practice where you get some music and they're doing like a butt dance where when the song comes on, they got to push people away from the rim without using their hands by just using their butts. Because a box out is. You literally push into somebody with your butt and you walk backwards and you box them out that way. So maybe we turn it into a game with music. Get, like, Nicki Minaj blasting, and it's a. Who can knock the girls closest to the bleachers without using their hands? And the other team is trying to get right to the rim.

[B]

I like. I like a lot about this. What I also like is I like maybe renaming it like, it's box out is Maybe it's not very clear what the action is. And maybe if, like, the Eagles have the tush push, maybe you have the butt push or the butt out or something like that or what? Maybe just a little.

[A]

Say it. Rescue the butt bump.

[B]

The butt funnel.

[A]

It was not the butt funnel.

[B]

He has butt funnels in his. Yes, he does. Don't even. Don't even, buddy. You're in the wrong. Puts it inside and you're in the wrong department, sir.

[A]

Natalie, will you Google John Taffer butt funnel?

[B]

Enjoy, Jake, enjoy. I hope you did not, because you're about to have a slice of humble.

[A]

Pie and you're gonna say, that was weird that I said that.

[B]

And I think it's called the butt bump. 80% of what I say is problematically weird. But I did this. But this one, I'm right on.

[A]

And I apologize to our international audience.

[B]

I will. No, I want to get ahead of this, our international listeners, if you don't have the butt funnel, we are so sorry for alienating right now.

[A]

Heather, what do you think about naming it the butt bump so they know exactly what that is? And that is you take your butt and you bump into the person behind you and then make it a game. In practice, we have to say, like, sorry.

[D]

I think that that could work, and I think that that could help us. I guess the only thing or the. The part that I left out before is that they do it when I tell them to do it in practice. It's just like in the game, they don't do it. So I'm wondering, is there something that I can set, like, for, like, I don't know, a long term. Like if we get. But if we get all these box outs throughout the whole season, Coach Heather will do XYZ or like a long goal.

[B]

How about if. I like that. We could have a long term goal, something like that. But what about if every game, the person who. You have someone keeping track, and the person who boxes out the most gets a prize after the game, you could do the pizza box out, where you go get a pizza before the game, and the person who boxes out the most gets a pizza or they get a crown, or there's something where you're kind of rewarding the most. Not the most rebounds. The most times you see someone put themselves in the best position for the rebound.

[D]

I like that.

[B]

Yeah, that's fun.

[D]

It might be expensive, but we got a pause.

[G]

The butt funnel is an architectural term, actually, and it's a small opening in a dance floor. And walk through it, and it's only 30 inches wide. So as they walk through it, they rub butts or rub up against each other. And in the nightclub environment, the closer you meet people, the more they interact, the more fun they have and a better experience they have. So I'm guessing there's a few marriages out there that started at a butt funnel.

[B]

Oh, started at a butt funnel. John Taffer, Is that what you say? Yes, Jake. The butt funnel.

[A]

Okay, I'm.

[B]

It's a very simple way you put you. You build. Listen, stop. Because you're insane for doubting me. I've watched every episode of Bar Rescue so many times that when a marathon's on, I'll still have it on, and I'll be like, I've watched this episode two times, and I still don't remember anything. I don't know what that. I don't know if that's me or bar Rescue. But A butt funnel. You've got the little wall. You put a cup. Instead of having an open space, people now have to scoop by each other. You know, we're doing some genital stuff and they're getting married. Like John Taffer said. Anyway, people get married because that's what John said. That's what John said. John Taffer's words.

[A]

Heather, what do you think of Garrett's idea that if you do the bump, whoever does the first person to 10 box outs in a game gets a gift. Like for the, in the season or you do at the end of the season. Whoever. Like, you keep stats. Like you go, you count score, you count assists.

[B]

Here's.

[A]

You count rebounds, you count. I think that's box outs.

[B]

I think that's good. Good. I would say let's start with a every game reward of some kind. Because I would worry that there's. I think what you'll see is after one game, someone gets whatever we give them. Then the other kids start going, I know we could do that. I can get the reward.

[A]

You know, they started doing this in college football with turnovers. They would give them like these kids, they would give like necklaces. Like the University of Miami did it a couple of years ago would be like the turnover crown. And if you got a turnover, you got the crown. If you have a big. If you are, do the most box out in the game. After the game you should put like a crown on the kid and be like, you're the queen of the box out. And everyone's got to go like, box out queen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So there's like a big fun reward. Either a box out. Like a box hat you could get.

[B]

You can make like a box crown.

[A]

A box crown?

[D]

Yeah, something with a box.

[A]

Like, and then you take a photo of them with the box crown flexing and it's like employee of the week.

[B]

Oh, I got it. All right. And how about this? How about if you win box out queen, do you practice? You practice? Obviously, yeah, we practice. How about in practice, if there's one thing the kid gets to pick one drill they want. Don't want to do each practice.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And during that they get a pass.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, I feel like that would be really a good one. And I think they would really go for that because it's like a little bit of the 12 year old girl in me. Like the. They're at right at the cusp of that age of like they don't always want all that much attention. But to get out of a drill.

[A]

That would probably I think that's a great idea.

[B]

So then you get both. You get all that. And then I do also think you should do the thing where you are keeping track of that stat throughout the season. And at the end of the season.

[A]

You know what they could do? Get a gift certificate to, like, Sephora or whatever all the kids are into or.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Or a pizza party where they're. It's like.

[A]

Because I agree about the attention, if they don't want that, they can just get something.

[B]

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

[D]

Should I do like a box out thermometer and if, like we reach a certain amount of box out.

[A]

Oh, that's a good idea.

[B]

That's better.

[A]

Because then you do it as a team.

[B]

Yes. That's great. Yeah.

[A]

If everybody gets it. One practice is just a pizza party.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Okay, so it'll be like a dual thing, like every. There will be the box out thing that happens at the end of every game.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

And then in practice you get to sit out of something and then there will be like the longer term, like, box out thermometer.

[A]

I think this is great. Are you happy with it? Yeah. One last thing before we go.

[E]

The butt funnel.

[G]

Architectural term, actually. It's a small opening in a dance floor and people walk through it and it's only 30 inches wide. So as they walk through it, they rub butts or rub up against each other. And in the nightclub environment, the closer you make people, the more they interact, the more fun they have and a better experience they have. So I'm guessing there's a few marriages out there that started in a buckwhat.

[A]

So, Heather, thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. And follow up with us. Let us know how it goes.

[B]

Can't wait to see how this works.

[D]

Hello.

[A]

Okay, thank you so much. All right.

[B]

Thank you, Heather.

[A]

Goodbye.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. In our last ad, I talked about somebody creating a Squarespace spot for weird here to help. People have been writing in. We are talking to Squarespace. We're going to do this. Why hasn't it happened yet? Who knows? Things are slow. There's a lot cooking. It's a busy world. But we appreciate the emails. We all know you love Squarespace as much as we do. You want to see how good it is? Go to garethreynolds.com to check out Squarespace and that girly ginger.

[B]

Why Squarespace? I don't know. Because they're absolutely the best. They give you everything you need in one platform, everything. It could showcase your. Your customizable web design. It gets you to attract clients for your business. They help you find the best domain name. I mean that is the, the building block of a website. They have cutting edge design tools. Helps you get fully customed website in just a few steps. My website is Squarespace. Every website we use for the show is Squarespace. It is Squarespace through and through.

[A]

So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me. Remember him? Gilly bean. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wherever you are, Gilly, we're thinking about you.

[B]

I had another nocturnal omission.

[A]

Fake owners at the wrong time. This just happens.

[B]

I can't stand up right now. I'm getting another one. So unpredictable at my age. Caller, I hope you're a man. Hello, what's your name?

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Oh, great.

[C]

My name's. My name is Matt.

[B]

Hey, Matt.

[A]

How you doing, Matt?

[C]

Hey, good, good, good. How you guys doing?

[A]

Good. Great, man.

[B]

Just. I got a pimple.

[C]

Excellent.

[B]

Matt, how old are you?

[C]

65.

[A]

65. 6. 5, 6, 5. Yeah.

[B]

I think this might be our eldest caller, Jake.

[A]

Hey, Matt. Welcome to the goddamn show. Finally we get a little bit of maturity on the show. We get a little.

[C]

Well, my daughters love you guys. So, you know, I told them my situation said we gotta. You should speak to these guys. Like who are they? I have no idea.

[A]

Right on. Well, that's a lesson positive.

[B]

This relationship taking a dive. It started off awesome.

[A]

Did you see Maddie, how laying on my back in the submissive position to you and you just dominated.

[B]

I would say he was acting like his garage dummy, but you wouldn't even understand the reference.

[A]

Matt. We don't need to do any questions with Matt. We got a sense what's going on today, pal.

[C]

You know, they said you're here to help. So I got a situation that I could use some help with. Okay, great, great, great. So I've been a friend of a guy since I'm 25 years old. He rented me his apartment and he's a dentist, right? So he actually made me his brother so I could rent his apartment in New York City. And for years he's been my dentist. He's a rent controller in year out. Yeah, well, just because they wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't let you take it unless it was somebody with a relative.

[B]

I just. The way you phrased it, the way you phrased it is interesting, but, yes, keep going.

[A]

I don't think so. I think he did a fine job.

[B]

I think it's strange. Do you understand me? Go ahead, Matt.

[C]

Gotcha. Gotcha. So anyway, every year I've been seeing this guy. This is 40 years going on. He's been my dentist. And more recently, I went to see him, and as he's working on me, his hands started to shake. And shake a lot, not just a little bit. And he's in my mouth, and I'm thinking, I don't really notice this. This is not going to go well if this thing continues.

[B]

So.

[C]

I went once, and then, you know the time before there's a little tremor. This was a lot more. So it's like, I don't really know what to do because you've got. I really should see another dentist. But if I go to see another dentist, do I tell him, you're screwed.

[A]

Matt, because you live in his. You live in his apartment.

[B]

Yeah, well, I don't live in his.

[C]

Apartment anymore, but I lived in his apartment back then. Oh. And he referred to me as his brother.

[A]

I got close.

[C]

So, like, I go into the office and he hugs me, and we're like, friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's like, oh, no, here's a guy, his hands are shaking.

[A]

I get this.

[C]

And he's working on my mouth.

[A]

Hey, Matt, first of all, what are your daughter's names?

[C]

Dana, Margot, and Grace.

[A]

I want to thank all three of those women. Whoever told you to call in, they're dead, right? This is a great call for us. Yeah. They get the show. They're a big part of the. And so thank you, ladies. Second, one thing I want to relate to you on is my old man, before he passed away, had Parkinson's disease. So he had a heavy handshake, but he said something to me, which was still one of the funnier things anybody's ever said. And he said it sincerely. He had had prostate cancer, too, before they took his prostate out. And in doing so, that takes away your ability to get an erection. And he said, this is a nightmare, Jake. And I go, why? And he goes, cause my hand is shaking like it's somebody else's. But they killed my dick, so I can't even do anything fun with it.

[B]

I mean, he's got a vibrating hand.

[A]

Yeah. He goes, could you imagine if my dick worked? It's not my hand. And I thought, that's the funniest take on Parkinson's I've ever heard.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But, Matt, that's not the situation we're in with you.

[C]

Yeah, I didn't tell him that.

[B]

Let's name the dentist. Let's tell.

[C]

I should tell them. There's a benefit to this. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have you ever considered putting your hand down your pants? It's like it's somebody else's hand, sir.

[B]

Well, that's all you gotta. That's actually maybe one of the ways to do it. Ask for a happy ending at the dentist. Not enough people are doing that. That could completely sour the relationship.

[A]

It would get. Not completely. That would.

[B]

Hey, yeah, I got a cavity.

[C]

Well, we can get much closer. That's all right.

[A]

It could go either. Hey, I got a. I got a tooth that needs extracting.

[B]

I got another area with ach.

[A]

Okay, so, Matt Loy, naked. Here's where we're at. You've had a 40 year friendship with a dentist that has blurred the line of even friends to family. You've been loyal to each other. You've been kind to each other. As he's aged, he might have a little Parkinson's. His hands getting shaky. You can't have that in your mouth. So how do we break up with the dentist? While not hurting his feelings is kind of where we're at. Correct?

[C]

You got it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And Matt, sorry, this is Jesse, the producer. You did. Your daughter shared that you did see a new dentist recently.

[A]

Right?

[C]

All right, all right. So. So full, full story here.

[A]

Thank you, Jesse. Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

We're gonna need the truth here, babe.

[C]

All right, all right, all right, all right. So yesterday I actually went to this younger guy and, you know, I. I sat there. He was very good, you know, gave me a full exam. Feels like he's gonna be a great dentist. And I asked him the question, like, what do I do?

[B]

Cheating.

[A]

He's liking it too much. Younger guys.

[B]

Yeah, don't say too much.

[A]

Don't say tooth timer.

[B]

Let the audience say that one.

[A]

I agree. They will. 65 will love it.

[B]

All right, Matt, so you had a great experience yesterday. You met a new love.

[C]

So I had a great experience. And this guy said you kind of can ghost him. Like people ghost me once in a while.

[A]

No, you can't. No, this guy, the younger, doesn't get it. He's new generation.

[B]

If he was just your dentist, maybe. But like you said, this is a friend, right?

[A]

Yeah. But also, even the fact that this dentist is using the term ghost, he's not of your generation, man.

[B]

No.

[A]

You're having an affair with a younger, hot dentist, but he ain't you you.

[B]

Probably thought he meant kill him.

[A]

I'll put him in the Hudson River.

[B]

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna throw him in the Hudson. And G.

[A]

I don't think we ghost, Matt. I don't think that is the right move.

[B]

But I don't agree. I agree.

[C]

That doesn't work for me.

[B]

I don't think we had on confront, though.

[A]

I will say this to you, Gareth. Do you ghost people at your age? I mean that seriously.

[B]

No, I don't. I don't. I don't think so.

[A]

It's not part of our era.

[B]

No, I think there's. I'm trying to think if I even.

[A]

Have any comparable comps.

[B]

Yeah. Relationships where, like, I have needed to. It's been a while since.

[A]

I'll tell a doctor or dentist. I'm moving on.

[B]

Yeah, I. I definitely done that.

[A]

All right, so Matt, just to see a sense of where you're starting from. How often do you see this dentist? Is it once a year? Twice a year? What's going on with those teeth of yours, babe?

[C]

No, I see it about three times a year.

[A]

Yeah. What's going on? Just for cleaning. Yeah, we got some stuff.

[C]

I mean, nothing. Yeah, nothing. No, there's nothing particularly. You know, at a certain point I' work, but no, I'm pretty good right now.

[A]

Okay, and how far away from your home? Let's just call Dr. D. How far away is Dr. D from you?

[C]

Probably about like, I don't know, 15 minutes.

[A]

Fuck, that's close.

[C]

I know. It's too close.

[A]

It's too close. You can't use that. Is he. Does he know anything about your family or. Not really.

[C]

You know, just very generally. Very generally. Not really. They don't go to him.

[A]

Is there a lie in this? Just. I'm gonna start pitching. One of your daughters or one of your daughter's husbands is a dentist and.

[B]

You gotta go to dating a dentist.

[A]

And it's just an email where you go, I'm in a tough spot here, Dr. D. You know, I've loved going with you. I have forever. My youngest, Margo, is in dentist school. She's insisting on doing the teeth myself. What am I gonna do? She's my kid. I might have to come to you once a year or so just to double check her work, but let me play this by ear, you know, I got nothing but love for you, but what am I going to say? She's my kid. I prefer your shaky ass, weird hands.

[C]

My kids are not dentists. But.

[B]

But maybe they're boyfriends that's what Jake's pitching, I think.

[A]

I think it's the idea or the boyfriend. She's dating somebody.

[B]

Yeah, she's dating someone who is. Is a dentist. And you and she. I. I think you could make that argument. I'll throw you. I think that one works. A couple others you could maybe pair with each other. Could be. You could go in and you could fake a little stabbing. You could go in and when he's in there. Overdo.

[A]

Walk us through this, Gareth.

[B]

So, okay, so we go in. So he's shaky. He has to know something's going on.

[A]

But. But hold on. Is he shaky with schools?

[B]

He's shaky in the mouth.

[A]

Yeah, he's in the mouth shaking, by the way. That's scary.

[B]

So you fake the pick. Yeah. So when he's.

[A]

Hold on, Matt, did you say the pick?

[C]

Yeah, they put the pick in your mouth. He's poking around.

[A]

He's shaking with the pick.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He can't shut it off. So I think when you're. When he's in there with the pick, you do? I. I remember before I. There was a nice gap in my 20s where I had no health care, and. And I. And my teeth. I'm British, so my teeth are trying to evacuate my mouth as fast as possible. And I ended up going to this dentist above a liquor store, and he was drilling, bragging. He was drilling. He was drilling in. And the drill broke in my mouth and, like, was in my mouth, and I was like, ah. And we both looked at each other like.

[A]

Well, you both looked at you and go, what year is it? 1887.

[B]

Yeah, we were both, like, highly unacceptable, even for a dentist above a liquor stor.

[A]

Even for two guys doing this in an old whorehouse out west.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Davis. Pouring whiskey and sarsaparilla in my mouth.

[A]

Well, a couple guys are playing stud downstairs.

[B]

Yeah, There's. I hear shootings. Bullets are coming in through the floor.

[D]

But.

[B]

But it makes me think that you could, you know, if he's. He's got to know. So you could do a thing where you just go. Like when he's in there. Oh, my God. You know, one of those. You could also pair that with the daughter dating a dentist.

[A]

Before you go on, Gareth, Matt, what do you think of the fake injury?

[C]

You know, I have to, like, really sell that. I mean, you're in the chair, you know, the guy hits you and he.

[A]

You. You.

[C]

You kind of look away and. Yeah, it's in your mouth. I guess I could do it.

[A]

Let's do this really fast. Hold on. Let's do this really fast. Gareth, if you don't mind. Matt, you and I, can we do a quick role play where I'm going to be the dentist and you're.

[C]

You go for it.

[A]

Now pretend your mouth is open and I got the pick. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So here we go. I'm not doing a lot of talking. I'm just doing the. I got the mask on, so I'm just going like. Well, to the nurse. B4N6 2 has a little bit of build up and if you look at the seventh quarter. Oh, what? What? What happened?

[E]

Happened?

[C]

What do you do? What are you doing?

[A]

What do you mean, what am I doing? What happened?

[C]

Get out of my mouth.

[A]

By the way, if we were a show that had sound clips, just clip. Get out of my mouth the way.

[B]

You just said it button. I have thought about that recently.

[A]

I know. I want that.

[B]

I mean, we don't. We can't get into the drops world because it's up. But. But that would be a fantastic drop.

[A]

You know what we could do?

[B]

Get out of my mouth.

[A]

The drop world. Because that's something. Instead of saying merch, I would love a button we could each push. I wonder what the technology is at is just being able to get something we don't want.

[B]

We're opening a nightmare.

[A]

Okay, you're not wrong. Hey, Matt. Yeah.

[C]

I can see it having many applications. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, Go ahead. Gareth.

[B]

What if you lost your insurance? What if he doesn't take your insurance anymore? You've changed insurances. There's a lot of fluctuation in that. So maybe that' that could be. Again, that could also be combined with Jake's pitch if you want it.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I also have one crazy one that is not even worth saying, so I'm not even going to say I got.

[A]

A crazy one too, actually.

[B]

Go.

[A]

Hey, Matt, do you care if Dr. D is in your life as you move forward?

[C]

Well, he's only been in my life when I'm at the dentist, so it's. I'm not quite sure what, you know, forward would mean.

[A]

What if one of your daughters wrote to him that you passed away?

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I. Mine. Mine was. Say mine was fake. That you have veneers. You're. You're. You're. That's a ghosting.

[A]

Ghosted. Just one of these Level. Just one of these.

[B]

What if he wants to go to his funeral?

[A]

It's a hell of a point. He would want to. Never mind.

[B]

And guess what? We're Then guess what? We're renting a space. Show's paying for it. Keep going, Jay.

[A]

By the way, show would be.

[B]

Shows bad for it.

[A]

And Steve Berg would be the guy who has to give.

[B]

That was an unbelievable. By the way, Matt Berg's a guy on our show. If you listened to that.

[A]

Or we do it more seriously and my brother does it. My brother would do a very good job and people would believe my brother.

[B]

Do you want to bring the party starter energy to Matt's fake funeral? I need.

[A]

You know what I actually want to do for our show? Funeral.

[B]

Fake funeral. Matt, I. Matt. Okay, look, this happens sometimes when we're pitching. What Jake's just done is he's pitched the most fun version of all of this. We would love to produce your funeral and get involved, but also understand there's an extreme amount of darkness surrounding this. But if you're into.

[A]

Say too much.

[B]

If you're into it. I mean, let us fake your funeral.

[C]

I think my kids would be into it.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's fake.

[C]

They would play.

[D]

They would.

[C]

They would play along with it. No, no. We're really close, but, you know, they. They want me out of the situation in a kind way.

[A]

So. Yeah. All right, so let's talk for a second, Matt, because here's what I really think. I like the fake funeral. I don't think we go that route. I think Natalie was dead right about the funeral. I didn't think about it. Gareth, my never been more in. My real pitch to you is you do a daughter's boyfriend or clothes. Like you have to start seeing this guy. But you'll be back soon. You just want to let them know personally because you have such a good relationship. Gareth's main pitch is a fake injury. That's scary. I will tell you just from the first take we did, it scared me. Your performance. Because if that thing goes sideways, we're in a bad way. You want to try one more time to do a little bit of acting there?

[B]

Let me. Let me. Let me. Let me add an additional marble on the scale of why. I like that one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This guy should not be. He should not be a dentist.

[A]

So. But we're not. We're not looking to shut an old guy down.

[B]

Something. He's. He's in there with Jiggly.

[A]

The guy who checked my prostate had a shaky hand and I tipped him. It wasn't a guy. It wasn't a doctor. It was a person in an alley. It's just a shaky hand.

[B]

Son of a All right, Matt, so you'll play yourself. Jake, you want to play the dentist again?

[A]

Please.

[B]

Yeah, I would prefer to really? Really throw yourself into this role. Kind of clean your own slate before we start.

[A]

I'm embarrassed about what happened in that alley. Hey, I just said that. Can you check my prostate with a fake shaky hand?

[B]

Where were you?

[A]

I was with you. You were the guy. It was right after we poured beers.

[B]

Action. The day we met.

[A]

Deep four. Can we get a little bit of. There's a little bit of plaque on top. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just in the back. Give me one second here. I'm just at the molar.

[C]

Get in your out of there.

[A]

Why?

[C]

You're killing me.

[A]

Wow, your teeth are a little sensitive here, babe. But we're working on it.

[C]

Fingers in my nose. What?

[B]

Okay, I'm going to jump in the direction.

[A]

I don't think we do this.

[B]

Let me do this.

[A]

Matt, I love you, but this isn't the skill set.

[B]

Jake, you do go again. I'm going to be Matt. And let's see if the. Let's see if we give him a like.

[A]

Hey, Matt, will you listen? How does it. All right.

[C]

Yeah. Please model it for me.

[A]

All right, ready? Here we go. Action. We got a little bit of build up on 7 9.

[B]

I actually have been having some pain a little further back.

[A]

Okay, give me a second. Well, I'm not seeing anything.

[B]

Oh, my God. Ah. Oh, your hand shook and it. That got me right on the gum. My gums are so sensitive there. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. What happened?

[B]

You think you the pick. You'd. Your hand. Your hand kind of. I did jilted into my gum. Oh, did you not notice? You did that?

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[B]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Can we stop? Sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult, but that really. There were a couple other times you were kind of banging into a certain part. Yeah. Like your hand was cut.

[A]

Gareth, have you become a way better actor all of a sudden?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did you go to acting classes?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I mean, what are you, Daniel Day Lewis?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Wow. Matt, why don't you copy Daniel Day Reynolds a little bit and see what you come up with? And Gareth, why don't you be the. I know they're big shoes to fill.

[C]

Big shoes.

[A]

Yeah. But guess what? That's why you got big feet, baby. Let's see what you got.

[B]

Believe in yourself. All right. Right.

[A]

Three, two. Piggly and Mo.

[B]

Nope. All right, here we go. Let's just see what we got. Back here. There's a good amount of buildup back here, Matt, but. What.

[C]

Hey, what you're. You're.

[D]

Pix.

[C]

Hitting my gum. Hitting my tongue.

[B]

Really?

[A]

What are you, Dr. Seuss?

[B]

Really?

[C]

I. I think you're my tonsils.

[B]

No, what are you. Matt, what are you talking. I'm just trying to give you a cleaning.

[C]

Your. Your hand shaking.

[A]

This is a confrontation.

[B]

It's good.

[C]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're a friend, but it's this. This is. I. I don't know.

[B]

Matt, the apartment.

[C]

That was 40 years ago.

[A]

Okay, stop here. Matt, first of all, way better. Matt, way great job.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Hey, not to be mean to Gareth, but all of a sudden now if I'm a casting director, I don't know who to cast. Both guys are great.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

I'm going to put a pin in both here. Are you guys free for wardrobe on Monday?

[B]

Absolutely. I have nothing to do. I mean, I'm very busy, but I will make myself available.

[A]

Matt, here's my fear of that and I'm just being honest. You're going to hurt his feelings.

[B]

He's hurting his feelings.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

75% of the audience like that one.

[B]

I agree. Better.

[A]

That was better.

[C]

I thought that was pretty. That was great.

[A]

That was very good. That was very good. But the tooth one was so bad before.

[B]

I agree. I mean, it only pales into what just happened.

[A]

I agree. But. So, Matt, here's where I think we're at. You could do that and it would work. But the origins of this is we don't want to hurt his feelings. And we're not in the. This show is not about how do we close down the shop of a dentist. Well, I don't want to shut him down. If people don't want to go to him because of shaky hands, that's their decision.

[B]

I think you're right in that, Matt, if we're looking to give you the path of least resistance to solving your problem, I think we probably have talked past the close in the idea that you could do a double. You could say you've lost your insurance and your daughter's new fellow.

[A]

No, because if the loss insurance. What if he says we're old friends? I'll give you a deal. Just come on.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Then I'm not cutting you off.

[B]

Not wrong.

[A]

I think it's. My youngest daughter's dating a dentist and she's applying pressure for me to go. Let me see this one out. If anything changes, you know, I'll be back. I loved you for 40 years. And he'll write back. I totally get it. And you go, no matter what, let's find each other for a lunch real soon. On me.

[C]

Ah, that's great.

[A]

Right?

[C]

I like that feels. That feels respectful.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And we're not.

[A]

We're not commenting on the hand. Let his hand shake. When Gareth had his shaky hand, he was checking my prostate. I didn't say anything. I paid him more, Jake.

[B]

Matt, we're trying to keep this pretty focused on you. So you feel good about. You feel good about all that, Matt?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I didn't feel like there was any possibility, but that's like. That sounds pretty good. Plus, it's. I don't have to call him. I could just write them.

[A]

It's emails now. Let me ask you a question, Matt. As a guy who is 65, our eldest caller, we respect the hell out of that. We want more people closer to our age. Me and Garris age. You didn't know who we were. Your daughters told you to call. What do you think? How'd this go?

[C]

Oh, you guys are great. You know, this is. This is really comfortable. Yeah. You know, if I have other problems, I know who to call now.

[A]

But also maybe listen.

[B]

Maybe listen. Maybe subscribe.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I didn't want to listen beforehand because I didn't really know what I was getting into.

[A]

But maybe you'll check it out a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, it's good.

[C]

They love you guys. They really do. They like. I think they listen to every single one of your episodes.

[B]

Yeah, I like to hear.

[A]

I'll tell you, I was just in New York City. I'm doing a little job out there.

[B]

He's shooting a TV show, Matt. He's trying to be. He's trying to, you know, demure. Very successful man.

[A]

Well, Garrett, let me tell you this. You've told me this for years, but I've never seen. Gareth always says, once you get out there, you'll see. We got a lot of fans, people. I was walking around with Oliver Raleigh, who does our theme song. A couple people stopped us and said, hey, love the podcast. Listen to every episode.

[B]

See, See, Matt. See, Matt. What's going to happen is you're going to get retroactively starstruck by being on this show. You're going to listen. You go, wow, I was in the spotlight with these gems right now. You couldn't give a. I don't think.

[A]

He'S gonna give a shit like that. You got.

[C]

No, no, I'm gonna listen. I'm gonna look good.

[A]

And then do me a favor, Matt, spread the word.

[C]

I'll tell some of my friends.

[B]

By the way, is it crazy to put it in the dental email? Just Dr.

[A]

So don't put it in the dental email.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Matt, you're the best.

[B]

Thank you for the follow up with us. That's something we require. We want you to come back for a follow up appointment.

[C]

I'll do that.

[B]

See Sheila on the way out and we'll shake.

[A]

We'll shake our hands in your mouth.

[B]

Really show you what's up. All right. Appreciate it.

[C]

Thanks, guys.

[B]

Appreciate it.

[A]

Thanks, Matt.

[C]

All right, take care. Bye.

[B]

That was great. That's a. That's awesome. That. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up to episode 205, find your Switzer. Hello. Hello. Hi. Welcome back. Hey.

[E]

Thanks. How's it going?

[B]

Good.

[A]

How are you?

[E]

Oh, I'm pretty great.

[B]

Yeah, you are. That's right. We don't know who you are. Who are you and what was the first call, please?

[E]

This is Joe from Milwaukee and I'm regarding winning the best of Trivia.

[B]

Dude. What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, why don't you remind people? I mean I remind people where, where we started and then we'll find out where we are.

[E]

Sure. So we've won it in the past. I'm trying to win it again. It's been two years since we've won. We're having trouble getting people to vote for us. And I'm also retiring from hosting the quiz at the end of this year. So we're trying to go out on top.

[B]

Bar trivia. You host Bar Trivia. You've won in a Milwaukee. Is it a Milwaukee publication? You wanted in a couple times and then you've kind of had a dry spell and you're trying to go out on top.

[E]

Yes, that's correct.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then our pitch was. What was our pitch exactly? I mean it was to just.

[E]

It was multi tiered. Yeah. Yeah. Drum up support, make a website, kind of go campaign mode with tchotchke swag, hats, buttons, and also find a replacement to take over the quiz and try to get them to also win it for the following year to establish a sort of a dynasty situation.

[B]

That's, that's, I think that's Jake's addition. I would guess the dynasty. Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so, so we, we gave you a bunch of pitches on how to really take a stranglehold on it. And the voting was. Is in October, is that right?

[E]

Yeah. The nomination round has begun right now. So from now Till the end of September people can just write in any old bar to be best part trivia.

[C]

Right.

[E]

And then the final actual voting round is probably going to start sometime middle of October would be my guess.

[B]

Okay. Okay, well where, where are we now?

[E]

So now we have, we made a website. My, my wonderful wife made us a website on Squarespace Vote blackbirds.org and we have also found two potential replacement candidates. So right now we've got a good website set up to get people to nominate us and then we can update it when the final voting starts to run people there as well.

[B]

Okay. Okay. And then so what, I mean so you're just in the pocket right now. You're waiting to sort of like see where this goes and I mean we can help. We, we sort of said we'd pump it up a little bit, right?

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Right now, right now we've, we've, you know, we're in it. So we're doing it now. So thanks to your guys is actually airing the episode. It gave me the push I needed to really. You totally decide to go for it. So it's all underway.

[A]

I love it. I think we're going to need another follow up to see what happens. Oh, we've got, oh this is the website.

[B]

Yeah, we got your website here.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Oh, this looks awesome. This is great. And then you've got a link there.

[A]

Dot org.

[B]

You got a link there to take me to the vote. Good scrolling text. He asked a podcast for some advice.

[A]

I mean it looks nice, man.

[B]

Promoting me as Brian the security guard. This looks awesome, dude.

[E]

Thanks.

[B]

Okay, so I guess what we can do, I mean is we'll, you know, we can link to the website on the, the socials and give it a, a push and we'll see what happens. Yeah. And then, yeah, I think Jake's right. I think just keep us posted and you know, we'll do everything we can to get you, you want to give.

[A]

One more push of why you guys should be the winners. Yeah.

[E]

I mean it says it right there in the faq. We're, we're fully independent homegrown. So we're not a, you know, we're not a big franchise trivia. We're free and we give out the best prizes. To be honest, I didn't realize there.

[A]

Was big franchise trivia.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't either.

[E]

I know, I know, it's crazy.

[A]

I don't like the idea of big franchise trivia.

[B]

No, it's gross. So like, like it's like a company that does it or Something.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Most places are like companies that do it and, you know, they do a great job, but I feel like the hosts are a little bit less engaged because they're not.

[A]

You know what, they're guys like when Gareth was working kids parties, and I, I. You've also worked kids parties. You work for a company. Yeah.

[B]

You work for it. This is the worst of both worlds. You work for a company and then you're taxed as an independent contractor. It's like all these other 1099 jobs where you're just like, wait, what?

[A]

If you feel like voting, go vote, and please follow up with us again and let us know what happens if you guys want anything not.

[E]

Yeah, we'll follow up.

[A]

We've.

[E]

I've got two people locked in to be new hosts, and we were talking about some big game of some sort of competition about voting on who would take over as host with the podcast help. But I'm not necessarily sure if that's something that has to happen.

[A]

We were talking about that last time.

[E]

Yeah, you were going to do the. The. We were here to vote thing with them.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, we need to pick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we.

[E]

Yeah, we need to pick.

[A]

Okay, well, do we get to know these people?

[B]

Yeah, we can definitely do like a. A call where we have the two people interview them and they.

[A]

And then the audience could pick who they want to host it. Is that what. I don't really remember that, but if that's what we said, I think that's a pretty solid idea. It's probably your idea. Well, God damn n. I like the sounds of it. Whoever came up with that is very smart.

[B]

Jake pit J Pass. Jake pitching to current Jake. I love this guy's chat.

[A]

Jesus, Dud, you got some good ideas, buddy. Thanks, buddy. You too. Want to make weird rules about coffee?

[B]

I do. I sure do. Hey, what's that, chimp head? Oh, my man. You're in for a ride.

[A]

Dude, do we like chimps? Yeah, we think they're cool.

[B]

Yeah. Well, we can definitely do something like.

[A]

That, but that's not now because we don't have those guys on the line.

[E]

Right, Right. Yeah, I think that might be better once the final voting round starts, at least to give us a reason to.

[A]

All right, buddy. Well, thanks. And then let's. If we're. If we're going to have those guys on. I'm not. I'm not against each of them pitching why them. And then we get people to vote. Vote.

[B]

Yeah. That's great.

[A]

The vote turned out really well for the Lions tickets. We got a lot of people voting.

[B]

Oh, great. Well, yeah. Well, we'll employ that for you, Joe.

[E]

All right, cool. Appreciate it.

[B]

All right, bud.

[F]

Hey, guys, this is Jenny calling from the Chicagoland area. Just wanted to call in because I just listened to the most recent episode that had the followup from the man in the Iron hair, and as a vet who's treated pet bird, I felt like I needed to call in and help clarify the term budgie. So budgie is actually short for budgerigar, but they are known as parakeets in the U.S. so I think that would have been known for all the American listeners, but they are known as budgies in the UK and Australia, and Australia is actually where they're still found in the wild. So I just thought you'd like to know that. Although I did love hearing the other theories of the pod.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help as the part of Produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decision decisions.

[A]

All video episodes of season one are.

[B]

Available now on Patreon, and season two.

[A]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[B]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod what's up, everybody?

[A]

I'm Kyle Mooney.

[B]

And what's up, everybody?

[A]

I'm back, Bonnet and Man. Ooh, we got something to tell you.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[A]

Yes, it's a brand new podcast on Headgum.

[B]

That's right. And it's called what's Our Podcast?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And that's because we don't have a.

[A]

Single idea what our podcast should be about.

[B]

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on.

[A]

And they tell us what they think.

[B]

Our podcast should be about and then we try it.

[A]

Yep. Guests like Mark Maron, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Kate Berlan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.

[B]

And Tim Baltz, landon Axler, Joanie McGree, and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or.

[A]

Any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.