We're Here to Help, Ep. 230: "Weird Here To Help: A Really Big Horse & Plucking the Piccolo"

Published: November 14, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds
Featured Guests & Callers: Eric Edelstein, Steve, Natalie, Ellen, Lars, Kelsey, Hannah, et al.

Main Theme

This episode of "We're Here to Help" dives deep into the show's blend of absurdist humor and surprisingly heartfelt advice. The hosts and guests tackle two especially memorable listener questions—from a mystical "spirit horse" experience in Sedona, to the confounding issue of a neighbor loudly "plucking the piccolo" (i.e., masturbating with gusto) in a shared Baltimore courtyard. Blending irreverent comedy, pop culture, and earnest support, the team helps listeners find both practical and delightfully weird solutions to life's odd conundrums.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Baseball Joy, Bans, and Bill Walton's Hoodie (01:46 - 12:47)

• Celebrating the Dodgers Victory:
  Eric Edelstein shares his joy about the Dodgers' win. Also, he recounts watching Shohei Ohtani develop. Eric basks in Los Angeles community spirit, comparing Ohtani’s legend to mythical drinking tales like Wade Boggs’ or Mickey Mantle’s.
  "When they won, I opened my porch ... yelled 'Dodgers.' And every porch around me started yelling back. It was great to have neighbors I don't talk to a ton." — Eric, (01:58)

• Banned from Vandy Camp and Dick Van Dyke’s 100th:
  Eric reveals he’s been banned from a Dick Van Dyke birthday celebration, after being seen as disrespectful by Dick’s wife, Arlene, on social media and at events. "I'm not allowed at the house again..." — Eric, (04:22) The group reframes this as punk rock, turning a personal faux pas into a badge of honor.

• Eric Wears Bill Walton's Hoodie:
  Eric wins Bill Walton’s Grateful Dead “Further” hoodie in an auction and refuses to wash out Walton's lingering 'stank.' He recalls meeting Walton via mutual basketball connections and describes the healing power of live music, including a story about a Neil Young concert in Bakersfield “curing” his tinnitus. "I'm wearing Bill Walton's hoodie. I can't believe it." — Eric, (10:14)

2. Caller 1: Ellen’s Spirit Animal Horse & Sedona Sojourn (16:40 - 33:54)

Ellen’s Dilemma

• Background: Ellen visited Sedona, felt unexpectedly transformed by a session with a dubious "healer" (white guy, beard-ponytail, polyester shirt with mushrooms). The healer named her spirit animal as a horse—a surprise, as she’d never felt connected to horses before.
• Current Feeling: Ellen wants to preserve her newfound lightness back in Chicago, and wonders how to honor her "horse energy" without getting a tattoo.

Hosts’ Input & Advice

• Cynical but Encouraging:
  Steve and Eric joke about Sedona’s reputation for new-age grifters, while also validating that Ellen’s transformation is genuine regardless of the healer’s intentions. "If it made you feel better, that's all that matters ... truly doesn't matter." — Steve, (25:33)

• Mystical Oversight:
  Eric admits his own gullibility to spiritual grifts: "I look like a big yokel with money to spend. And sadly, I am." (21:53)
  Both hosts suggest Ellen’s sense of connection to a huge horse she keeps seeing locally deserves honoring, despite her initial skepticism.

• Practical Plan: The Horse Sojourn:
  Steve crafts a plan: Ellen should take a solo road trip to visit this giant horse, commune in person, snap photos, and commission an artist to paint the horse (with Ellen included for scale and symbolism). "You take what I like to call a little bit of a sojourn ... have an adventure ... you photograph this horse at a couple different angles … then you commission a painting of this horse based off the picture you took." — Steve, (27:56-28:21)

• Make It Ritualistic:
  The team proposes Ellen make visiting this horse a ritual, turning it into her own "sacred sojourn," with intentional music, road snacks (strongly emphasizing road-trip snacks), and a stay at a local inn. "Part of the sojourn ... get yourself a sugar soda ... get a Mr. Pib and wonder where it all went." — Eric, (32:38-32:44)

Notable Quotes

• "You found two very real healers in Sedona, that you're on a path that is predestined ... And you ... now they're right, your spirit animal is a horse." — Eric, (25:43)
• "Go visit this horse. Seems like a no brainer to me." — Steve, (30:59)

Resolution

Ellen is empowered: she vows to visit the horse, make art of it, and let the "horse energy" become a recurring touchstone in her life.

3. Caller 2: Lars in Baltimore & The Screamsterbating Neighbor (34:03 - 61:42)

Lars’ Situation

• Background: Lars owns a Baltimore "row home" that opens onto a courtyard with other homes and shared backyard area.
• The Problem: Each spring and autumn (windows open season), a neighbor two doors down audibly and enthusiastically masturbates—so loudly it's become distressing. Lars and his wife have dubbed it "screamsterbating."
  "He's jerking off very loudly." — Lars, (36:32)
  • The act is completed with “distressing, non-skin-on-skin, not-grunting" exclamations and recently, new “Buick not starting” noises. (40:00-41:46)
  • A guest’s house-sitter mistook the noises for someone in physical distress.

Hosts’ Processing & Advice

• Comic Forensics:
  The hosts gleefully extract a detailed, cringeworthy live impression from Lars, noting his acting skills and theatrical range.
  "First of all, no notes on the acting performance ... The line performance. I'm giving you at least a 9.3 out of 10." — Eric, (40:33)

• Is it Actually Pleasuring?:
  Before leaping to confrontation, Steve wonders if it could merely be constipation or yoga—“could be someone with too much dairy.” (41:19)

• The Exhibitionist Theory:
  Ultimately, they agree the window being open and repeated audibility suggest a likely exhibitionist. "My thinking is this guy wants people to hear it." — Steve, (43:04)

• Non-Confrontational Solutions:
  The hosts brainstorm:

  • Playing celebratory or ridiculous music ("All You Need Is Love," "We Are the Champions," or an audience applause track) after each incident to signal awareness.
    • "What if you had like a speaker next to your window and when he finishes ... you play like an audio clip ... audience clapping, Bravo, Bravo?" — Steve, (49:05)
  • Using an anonymous note (“Sincerely, a Concerned Neighbor”), making it formal/legal in tone, to inform the neighbor others can hear his activities.
  • To avoid retaliation or embarrassment: drop the note in the mail, or have a friend in a mask deliver it.

• Escalation if Needed:
  If softer methods fail, obtain the neighbor's name (public property record), use a burner phone to call him, or send a magazine-cutout ransom-note style letter.

• Ethics & Boundaries:
  The team draws a line at shaming kinks, but stress non-consensual exhibitionism in a shared space is not okay. (56:42)

  • "Everyone has to be consent. If he went to everyone in the courtyard like, hey, here's my deal ... If I got signed permission ... sure, we'd like to be a part of this." — Eric, (56:42)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "We moonlight as sexual therapists. We get a lot of paranormal calls. We love these calls just as much or more." — Steve, (42:02)
• "If you see a taquito spinning on a rotisserie thing, don't even think about it. Buy two of them." — Steve, (33:01)
• "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)

Resolution & Follow-Up

Lars is tasked with the musical “signal” method and/or anonymous letter. The hosts offer to make prank calls on his behalf if needed, celebrating their role as "13ft of love on your side." Requested report-back is encouraged.

4. Caller Update: Kelsey and Breaking Up with Dance Therapy (61:46 - 71:37)

Background

• Kelsey calls with an update: after getting advice in a previous episode about extricating herself from a draining dance therapist ("trauma dumping," unprofessional oversharing), she finally “graduates” from therapy.

Key Details

• Therapist’s response: After Kelsey delivers her break-up speech, the therapist awkwardly has her lay on the ground, chants affirmations ("I am free of self doubt") over a classical Lady Gaga cover ("Shallow"), and sends her off with: "You are not a failure."
• The hosts dissect the narcissistic, boundary-crossing behaviors, and praise Kelsey’s polite but firm graduation.
  "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)

Notable Quotes

• "I'm the confrontation queen now." — Kelsey, (71:21)
• "Bravo to you for the bravery and look, it worked." — Steve, (70:18)

5. Mini-Hot Take: Hannah on Preppers & Apocalypse (71:46 - 74:13)

Hannah calls in with a hot take: preppers will be the first to die in an apocalypse because they lack community spirit—citing a personal bee-keeper vs. prepper story and an unfortunate rabbit bite anecdote.

“If you're gonna prep, build your community.” — Hannah, (73:54)

Notable Quotes Round-Up

• "This is the coolest thing I've ever heard. Banned ... This is what a great, like, third act, like, grand finale. This is how the movie ends." — Steve, (07:56) [On Eric’s Dick Van Dyke ban]
• "Go visit this horse. Seems like a no brainer to me." — Steve, (30:59)
• "I've never heard this particular variant. It was like this ..." — Lars, (41:33)
• "What if you had like a speaker next to your window? ... You play like an audio clip of ... Queens 'We Are the Champions' at an ear splitting level." — Steve & Eric, (49:05)
• "You found who you were supposed to find. And you'll find even more with that horse." — Eric, (33:21)
• "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)
• "Look, we don't want to kink shame anyone, but once you hurt someone else, that's where we draw the line." — Steve, (56:37)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Dodgers/Ohtani & Dick Van Dyke Ban: 01:46 – 09:47
• Bill Walton’s Hoodie & Neil Young Story: 09:47 – 12:47
• Caller 1 (Ellen, Spirit Animal Horse): 16:40 – 33:54
• Caller 2 (Lars, Screamsterbating Neighbor): 34:03 – 61:42
• Caller Update (Kelsey, Dance Therapy Break-Up): 61:46 – 71:37
• Hot Take (Hannah, Preppers): 71:46 – 74:13

Tone & Style

• Language/Tone: Irreverent, playful, sharply observational, occasionally profane, but frequently heartfelt when listeners’ needs arise.
• Trademarks: Self-deprecation, running bits (“punk rock” life events, snack advice), honest yet empathetic appraisals, and creative escalation from jokes into tangible advice.

For New Listeners

Even if you missed the episode, this edition perfectly captures the hosts’ blend of goofball wisdom and actual support for real-world problems, from the ridiculous ("screamsterbating") to the sincerely mystical (“horse spirit journeys”). You'll get both a hearty laugh and a sneakily thoughtful answer—plus ideas for your own weird life rituals and boundaries.