230: Weird Here To Help: A Really Big Horse & Plucking the Piccolo

Summary

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We're Here to Help, Ep. 230: "Weird Here To Help: A Really Big Horse & Plucking the Piccolo"

Published: November 14, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds
Featured Guests & Callers: Eric Edelstein, Steve, Natalie, Ellen, Lars, Kelsey, Hannah, et al.

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Main Theme

This episode of "We're Here to Help" dives deep into the show's blend of absurdist humor and surprisingly heartfelt advice. The hosts and guests tackle two especially memorable listener questions—from a mystical "spirit horse" experience in Sedona, to the confounding issue of a neighbor loudly "plucking the piccolo" (i.e., masturbating with gusto) in a shared Baltimore courtyard. Blending irreverent comedy, pop culture, and earnest support, the team helps listeners find both practical and delightfully weird solutions to life's odd conundrums.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Baseball Joy, Bans, and Bill Walton's Hoodie (01:46 - 12:47)

• Celebrating the Dodgers Victory:
  Eric Edelstein shares his joy about the Dodgers' win. Also, he recounts watching Shohei Ohtani develop. Eric basks in Los Angeles community spirit, comparing Ohtani’s legend to mythical drinking tales like Wade Boggs’ or Mickey Mantle’s.
  "When they won, I opened my porch ... yelled 'Dodgers.' And every porch around me started yelling back. It was great to have neighbors I don't talk to a ton." — Eric, (01:58)

• Banned from Vandy Camp and Dick Van Dyke’s 100th:
  Eric reveals he’s been banned from a Dick Van Dyke birthday celebration, after being seen as disrespectful by Dick’s wife, Arlene, on social media and at events. "I'm not allowed at the house again..." — Eric, (04:22) The group reframes this as punk rock, turning a personal faux pas into a badge of honor.

• Eric Wears Bill Walton's Hoodie:
  Eric wins Bill Walton’s Grateful Dead “Further” hoodie in an auction and refuses to wash out Walton's lingering 'stank.' He recalls meeting Walton via mutual basketball connections and describes the healing power of live music, including a story about a Neil Young concert in Bakersfield “curing” his tinnitus. "I'm wearing Bill Walton's hoodie. I can't believe it." — Eric, (10:14)

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2. Caller 1: Ellen’s Spirit Animal Horse & Sedona Sojourn (16:40 - 33:54)

Ellen’s Dilemma

• Background: Ellen visited Sedona, felt unexpectedly transformed by a session with a dubious "healer" (white guy, beard-ponytail, polyester shirt with mushrooms). The healer named her spirit animal as a horse—a surprise, as she’d never felt connected to horses before.
• Current Feeling: Ellen wants to preserve her newfound lightness back in Chicago, and wonders how to honor her "horse energy" without getting a tattoo.

Hosts’ Input & Advice

• Cynical but Encouraging:
  Steve and Eric joke about Sedona’s reputation for new-age grifters, while also validating that Ellen’s transformation is genuine regardless of the healer’s intentions. "If it made you feel better, that's all that matters ... truly doesn't matter." — Steve, (25:33)

• Mystical Oversight:
  Eric admits his own gullibility to spiritual grifts: "I look like a big yokel with money to spend. And sadly, I am." (21:53)
  Both hosts suggest Ellen’s sense of connection to a huge horse she keeps seeing locally deserves honoring, despite her initial skepticism.

• Practical Plan: The Horse Sojourn:
  Steve crafts a plan: Ellen should take a solo road trip to visit this giant horse, commune in person, snap photos, and commission an artist to paint the horse (with Ellen included for scale and symbolism). "You take what I like to call a little bit of a sojourn ... have an adventure ... you photograph this horse at a couple different angles … then you commission a painting of this horse based off the picture you took." — Steve, (27:56-28:21)

• Make It Ritualistic:
  The team proposes Ellen make visiting this horse a ritual, turning it into her own "sacred sojourn," with intentional music, road snacks (strongly emphasizing road-trip snacks), and a stay at a local inn. "Part of the sojourn ... get yourself a sugar soda ... get a Mr. Pib and wonder where it all went." — Eric, (32:38-32:44)

Notable Quotes

• "You found two very real healers in Sedona, that you're on a path that is predestined ... And you ... now they're right, your spirit animal is a horse." — Eric, (25:43)
• "Go visit this horse. Seems like a no brainer to me." — Steve, (30:59)

Resolution

Ellen is empowered: she vows to visit the horse, make art of it, and let the "horse energy" become a recurring touchstone in her life.

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3. Caller 2: Lars in Baltimore & The Screamsterbating Neighbor (34:03 - 61:42)

Lars’ Situation

• Background: Lars owns a Baltimore "row home" that opens onto a courtyard with other homes and shared backyard area.
• The Problem: Each spring and autumn (windows open season), a neighbor two doors down audibly and enthusiastically masturbates—so loudly it's become distressing. Lars and his wife have dubbed it "screamsterbating."
  "He's jerking off very loudly." — Lars, (36:32)
  • The act is completed with “distressing, non-skin-on-skin, not-grunting" exclamations and recently, new “Buick not starting” noises. (40:00-41:46)
  • A guest’s house-sitter mistook the noises for someone in physical distress.

Hosts’ Processing & Advice

• Comic Forensics:
  The hosts gleefully extract a detailed, cringeworthy live impression from Lars, noting his acting skills and theatrical range.
  "First of all, no notes on the acting performance ... The line performance. I'm giving you at least a 9.3 out of 10." — Eric, (40:33)

• Is it Actually Pleasuring?:
  Before leaping to confrontation, Steve wonders if it could merely be constipation or yoga—“could be someone with too much dairy.” (41:19)

• The Exhibitionist Theory:
  Ultimately, they agree the window being open and repeated audibility suggest a likely exhibitionist. "My thinking is this guy wants people to hear it." — Steve, (43:04)

• Non-Confrontational Solutions:
  The hosts brainstorm:

  • Playing celebratory or ridiculous music ("All You Need Is Love," "We Are the Champions," or an audience applause track) after each incident to signal awareness.
    • "What if you had like a speaker next to your window and when he finishes ... you play like an audio clip ... audience clapping, Bravo, Bravo?" — Steve, (49:05)
  • Using an anonymous note (“Sincerely, a Concerned Neighbor”), making it formal/legal in tone, to inform the neighbor others can hear his activities.
  • To avoid retaliation or embarrassment: drop the note in the mail, or have a friend in a mask deliver it.

• Escalation if Needed:
  If softer methods fail, obtain the neighbor's name (public property record), use a burner phone to call him, or send a magazine-cutout ransom-note style letter.

• Ethics & Boundaries:
  The team draws a line at shaming kinks, but stress non-consensual exhibitionism in a shared space is not okay. (56:42)

  • "Everyone has to be consent. If he went to everyone in the courtyard like, hey, here's my deal ... If I got signed permission ... sure, we'd like to be a part of this." — Eric, (56:42)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "We moonlight as sexual therapists. We get a lot of paranormal calls. We love these calls just as much or more." — Steve, (42:02)
• "If you see a taquito spinning on a rotisserie thing, don't even think about it. Buy two of them." — Steve, (33:01)
• "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)

Resolution & Follow-Up

Lars is tasked with the musical “signal” method and/or anonymous letter. The hosts offer to make prank calls on his behalf if needed, celebrating their role as "13ft of love on your side." Requested report-back is encouraged.

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4. Caller Update: Kelsey and Breaking Up with Dance Therapy (61:46 - 71:37)

Background

• Kelsey calls with an update: after getting advice in a previous episode about extricating herself from a draining dance therapist ("trauma dumping," unprofessional oversharing), she finally “graduates” from therapy.

Key Details

• Therapist’s response: After Kelsey delivers her break-up speech, the therapist awkwardly has her lay on the ground, chants affirmations ("I am free of self doubt") over a classical Lady Gaga cover ("Shallow"), and sends her off with: "You are not a failure."
• The hosts dissect the narcissistic, boundary-crossing behaviors, and praise Kelsey’s polite but firm graduation.
  "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)

Notable Quotes

• "I'm the confrontation queen now." — Kelsey, (71:21)
• "Bravo to you for the bravery and look, it worked." — Steve, (70:18)

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5. Mini-Hot Take: Hannah on Preppers & Apocalypse (71:46 - 74:13)

Hannah calls in with a hot take: preppers will be the first to die in an apocalypse because they lack community spirit—citing a personal bee-keeper vs. prepper story and an unfortunate rabbit bite anecdote.

“If you're gonna prep, build your community.” — Hannah, (73:54)

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Notable Quotes Round-Up

• "This is the coolest thing I've ever heard. Banned ... This is what a great, like, third act, like, grand finale. This is how the movie ends." — Steve, (07:56) [On Eric’s Dick Van Dyke ban]
• "Go visit this horse. Seems like a no brainer to me." — Steve, (30:59)
• "I've never heard this particular variant. It was like this ..." — Lars, (41:33)
• "What if you had like a speaker next to your window? ... You play like an audio clip of ... Queens 'We Are the Champions' at an ear splitting level." — Steve & Eric, (49:05)
• "You found who you were supposed to find. And you'll find even more with that horse." — Eric, (33:21)
• "You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time." — Eric, (66:58)
• "Look, we don't want to kink shame anyone, but once you hurt someone else, that's where we draw the line." — Steve, (56:37)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Dodgers/Ohtani & Dick Van Dyke Ban: 01:46 – 09:47
• Bill Walton’s Hoodie & Neil Young Story: 09:47 – 12:47
• Caller 1 (Ellen, Spirit Animal Horse): 16:40 – 33:54
• Caller 2 (Lars, Screamsterbating Neighbor): 34:03 – 61:42
• Caller Update (Kelsey, Dance Therapy Break-Up): 61:46 – 71:37
• Hot Take (Hannah, Preppers): 71:46 – 74:13

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Tone & Style

• Language/Tone: Irreverent, playful, sharply observational, occasionally profane, but frequently heartfelt when listeners’ needs arise.
• Trademarks: Self-deprecation, running bits (“punk rock” life events, snack advice), honest yet empathetic appraisals, and creative escalation from jokes into tangible advice.

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For New Listeners

Even if you missed the episode, this edition perfectly captures the hosts’ blend of goofball wisdom and actual support for real-world problems, from the ridiculous ("screamsterbating") to the sincerely mystical (“horse spirit journeys”). You'll get both a hearty laugh and a sneakily thoughtful answer—plus ideas for your own weird life rituals and boundaries.

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Transcript

[Eric Edelstein]

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[Steve]

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[Steve]

Well, Eric, it looks like we found ourselves back in front of the mics on Weird. Here to help.

[Natalie]

How are you doing?

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm so happy.

[Steve]

Look at basking in the glow of a Dodgers World Series victory. You look lighter in the air right now.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm so happy. It's bringing this town together. When they won, I opened my porch because everyone in my neighborhood was shooting stuff off and I just yelled Dodgers. And every porch around me started yelling back. It was great to have neighbors I don't talk to a ton. It was a beautiful thing, Steve. It was so cool. And you know, I've been on a road with Shohei Ohtani. I went to his first start in Anaheim in 2018 and watched him suffer for six years under horrible ownership. So I'm so, so happy for him.

[Steve]

Yeah, he is a he. I mean, he is. Is he the best ever? He's in the conversation.

[Eric Edelstein]

He's in the conversation. He's got more. He's doing something nobody else has done because people talk about Babe Ruth doing this. Babe Ruth Only did this in for six months, and then he said it was impossible to do and started faking injuries.

[Steve]

That's pretty cool. You know what he. He could use, though? He could use, like, a Wade Boggs story where, like, Wade Boggs drink, like, 95 beers in an airplane.

[Eric Edelstein]

Right? Yeah, that's.

[Steve]

That's where baseball gets really interesting to me.

[Lamorne Morris]

Sure.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah. Because you can do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Or Mickey Mantle getting up and, like, hitting hungover out of his mind. They didn't think he could stand his. Comes in in the late game, hits a home run, wins it. Like, what'd you do? I aim for the middle ball.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

That's amazing.

[Steve]

Yeah. I mean, like, Ohtani's great. Could he use a little edge? I'm just saying, you know, he's definitely.

[Eric Edelstein]

Drinking in the clubhouse during celebrations and shooting stuff. I think they have a whole PR machine around him. But I hope he's getting weird. Steve, I really.

[Steve]

Yeah. Have a little fun. Enjoy the ride.

[Eric Edelstein]

So, Steve. Eric, this isn't anything I wanted to tell you today.

[Steve]

Oh, God.

[Eric Edelstein]

We're going to have an update and all this talk has kind of been moved over to here to weird where it is. Okay, I hope everybody is sitting down. If you're driving, you might want to just kind of pull your car over briefly because there's no way to dance around it. So I'm just going to say, looks right now like I have been banned from Vandy Camp, and I have been banned from Dick Van Dyke's hundredth birthday celebration that's coming up in December.

[Steve]

I gotta say, look, I, you know, the nice guy me is saying is saying, sorry. And then the real me is saying, eric, congratulations. This is. This, See, this is the edge I'm talking about that Ohtani doesn't have yet. It's like, how many people can say, I have been banned from Dick Van Dyke events.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm not allowed at the house again.

[Steve]

That. That is the most punk rock thing I think I've ever heard of my life.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right, I'm going to run with it that way.

[Steve]

Move over, Sid Vicious.

[Eric Edelstein]

Eric.

[Steve]

Okay. Dick Van Dyke's Backyard, like, Bad Brains were the best punk bands ever. They were banned from Washington, D.C. you have been banned from an elderly actor.

[Eric Edelstein]

I have been. Well, it started, of course, with Jake Johnson.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

When we did We're Here to Chat, he had me do an impassioned plea to try to bring Dick Van Dyke on the air.

[Steve]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

And I tagged his wife. And his wife definitely, as she would later say, clocked me at Vandy Camp in the backyard.

[Lars]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

And she went and listened to the first podcast where we talked about vandyking. And it was one where I said. Where I asked for a refund when Dick didn't show up.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

I was specifically caddy about the show, and I wasn't my best self, and I was demanding a refund and going back and forth with Chris. So she didn't know that. That I later went on the air with you and told the joyous story of going to Dick Van Dyke's house. How much fun I had, how great the show was. One of our great listeners posted me on Reddit, sitting in my seat, cheering with a smile on my face like a little kid.

[Steve]

Hell, yes, she didn't hear that.

[Eric Edelstein]

And I was watching Arlene Van Dyke's Instagram show.

[Steve]

Oh, boy.

[Eric Edelstein]

And I see she's just ripping some comedian to shreds. And I'm like, oh, I wouldn't want to be that guy. You know, I don't. I. I don't view myself as a comedian. I'm a very serious actor, Stephen. And then as she started through and she's like. And it started with them asking for an interview with Dick, and one of them said, you're so Steve. That Dick went viral because of the show. Honey, Dick has gone viral because of me for the last 15 years. And I'm like, oh, no, she's talking about me. She hasn't heard the newest version of the show. And I was mortified. And I felt bad because she kept specifically saying she saw me having a good time. She was like, you sat right by us. You sat at Dick's feet. You didn't even ask him a question. And then I felt horrible. Now, thankfully, one of the listeners of our show did let Arlene know that there was a newer version, which I am thrilled she listened to.

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

So she heard Jake and Gareth screaming at me, trying to say I didn't have a good time at Vandy Camp, which I refused. About to.

[Steve]

Right.

[Eric Edelstein]

I had an incredible time at Vandy Camp. And then I sent Arlene an apology, which she did discuss on the air. But then a lot of the. The fans said I owed them an apology because they thought I was ripping Disney adults, which I was not. I was only ripping the people. Trauma dumping.

[Steve]

I'm happy to rip Disney adults, but.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm gonna go there with my wife next month. I love Pirates of the Caribbean. I love Splash Mountain or Tiana's Wild Ride, whatever it's called now. I cannot wait. Steve, you would Do Splash Mountain. You have the biggest smile on your face. Dude, it's this giant drop. It's so fun.

[Steve]

I don't get it. I don't get it.

[Eric Edelstein]

You don't enjoy Splash Moun? That giant fall?

[Steve]

I. Disneyland is hell on earth to me. I'd rather like. I'd rather like, do anything else. Even as a kid. I went as a kid and I was like, man, this place sucks. Like, I didn't know.

[Eric Edelstein]

Different strokes, different folks. How you ended up looking for Bigfoot.

[Steve]

I have a light case of vertigo, so I can't do rides.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, there. That. That's it right there. I enjoy the rides. Even that little drop in Pirates of the Caribbean. I love it. I love the blue bayou. I love the smells. But I was talking about the people. Trauma dumping to Dick when he was up front that he couldn't hear. But as of right now, I'm still banned. Chris even talked about getting a restraining order.

[Steve]

Eric, Eric, Eric, you're looking at this the wrong way. This is the coolest thing I've ever heard. Banned from it. This is what a great, like, third act, like, grand finale. This is how the movie ends. Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

I wanted to be at the hundredth. No, I wanted to be at the hundredth.

[Steve]

You know what? Everyone goes to the hundredth. You end it at 99. That is punk rock, dog. I'm telling you. This is the way it should end. I love it. I love.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right, all right.

[Steve]

This is great. Clo to me, this is a weird closure.

[Eric Edelstein]

It's to be banned by an actual hero and to have offended his wife. I feel horrible.

[Steve]

No, no.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right, fine.

[Steve]

Eric, they're fine. They're moving on. They have moved on. It's in their rear view.

[Eric Edelstein]

I know. And that's part of what hurts.

[Steve]

You don't need.

[Eric Edelstein]

I don't want to be in the rearview mirror. I'm a giant object closer than I appear, babe.

[Steve]

Eric, Eric, Eric. This is a great thing.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right?

[Steve]

And now it's time to find a new older person to go, like, go watch. Entertain you.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, I'm gonna go meet Bruce Stern at the Hollywood Burbank collector show.

[Steve]

There you go. I'm absolutely moving on.

[Eric Edelstein]

And there's a 98 year old Twilight Zone veteran did some heavy lifting on the Twilight Zone. I want to meet him. Maybe I can be at his hundredth.

[Steve]

This is great, Eric.

[Eric Edelstein]

That's good. It's not great. I don't. I don't like being banned, but I wanted everyone to know. Well, I don't want to this is important shit. They've been on this ride with us.

[Steve]

Well, look, look, look. I think this is a great. A great ending, okay? I think it could not be better, in my opinion, being banned for Dick Van Dyke thing. Chef's kiss. Beautiful. All right, now I want to ask you a question, because when we sat down, turn on the video, and saw each other's smiling faces all hopped up on caffeine, you, my friend, had a beautiful Grateful Dead sweatshirt. And I think there might be a little bit of a story behind that that I think I know. What does that say? Turtle Taub.

[Eric Edelstein]

It says further, because this, Steve, is Bill Walton's further hoodie.

[Steve]

Shut the front door.

[Eric Edelstein]

Pictures of him wearing it in the Luckiest man on Earth series that I watch all the time after Jess goes to bed. He's wearing this. I feel powerful and happy and profound right now in this incredible hoodie. I'm wearing Bill Walton's hoodie. I can't. I can't believe it.

[Steve]

Eric, how does one get Bill Walton's hoodie?

[Eric Edelstein]

His auction. And what I learned from past auctions from getting ripped off in the Neil Young option, the Burt Reynolds auction. They do a second map.

[Steve]

A turtle map.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Some. Some Navajo sand art, which may or may not be cursed. Neil Young's train. So I knew that what they do is they do the second tier stuff later. And this has a stain on it. So. And I'm not washing it. And I think. I'll be honest, Steve. I have a pretty significant dust allergy, and I'm definitely fighting through it right now. I'm gonna take some nettles. I've been muting my mic and sniffling, but it's Bill Walton's dust, and it means something to me.

[Steve]

Bill Walt was a big guy like ourselves, and I bet he perspired to that. Quaked a bit.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, my God. That's even cooler.

[Steve]

Got Walton stank. Oh.

[Eric Edelstein]

I would see him at shows, and then. I'm sure I've told you, but at one point, Steve and I are both big college basketball guys, and I was the announcer for Gonzaga. And whenever Coach Few calls, I answer. And one of the greatest moments of my life, Coach Few called, I answered, and then he put me on the phone with Bill Walton.

[Lars]

Shut up.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah. And it was exactly what we want. We're like, bill, I just saw you at the Hollywood bowl at Dead and Company with John Mayer. And he's like, oh, John Mayer, he's incredible. He just played the Hollywood Bowl. You should have been there. It was just beautiful. It was one of. Truly one of the best moments of my life. He's a hero, Steve. And we talk about, like trying to live life the right way. Yeah, that's a guy that did it. He went to over a thousand dead shows. I would see him at every Neil Young, every Bob Dylan show. When I first Neil Young started doing his fan club, I went to two shows in Bakersfield, two in Fresno, and my wife's like, do you see anyone there like that? You know, And I'm like, bill Walton. And she just kind of shook her head. But the one other lunatic there going to see Neil Young and Fresno and Bakersfield. And those shows were important, by the way. I'll just say this. It's weird. Here to help. His show in Bakersfield cured me. Cured me of my tinnitus.

[Steve]

Yeah, I bet.

[Eric Edelstein]

I don't like telling people this. He turned up a tone in his guitar. I keep meaning to write into the newsletter he does, but I swear I felt a weird shaking in my. In my skull.

[Steve]

He jostled something loose.

[Eric Edelstein]

I had horrible tinnitus and it went away, Steve, in Bakersfield, I was there. Bill Walton was there, and my tinnitus was cured. But Natalie, I saw Natalie. Do we have our collar? Are we. Are we geared and ready to roll? Oh, let's dance.

[Natalie]

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[Steve]

Hello. I can see that your name is Ellen. Ellen, where are you calling from?

[Ellen]

My dear friend, I am calling from Chicago, Illinois.

[Steve]

I've heard of it. Ellen, you are on with my wonderful brother in rhyme, Eric Edelstein, and we are here to help you with any kind of problem you have, weird or not. Talk to me, sister.

[Eric Edelstein]

Hi, Ellen. We're here to help.

[Ellen]

Excellent. I need some help. It's a light one, but here's the story. So, I recently went on a trip to Sedona, and I had a fantastic time. I went. I'm not a real spiritual, mystical person from jump, but I went with an open mind, and I feel like it was life changing in a way. I feel like I left a lot out there on those rocks.

[Steve]

Did you see John McCain's ghost? No.

[Ellen]

That would have been life changing, too.

[Steve]

I hear he looks ghost.

[Ellen]

No, I didn't see any ghosts. I would love to see a ghost.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, those vortexes are powerful. I went out there by myself once and had a profound experience, so I'm very curious to hear about yours.

[Steve]

Did you see Shirley McLean at that famous taco stand? She's there every day. I'm just kidding. Okay, Ellen, sorry. Go on.

[Eric Edelstein]

Don't threaten me. As Shirley. I'll leave this podcast now and drive out there. I got a track record for Hollywood legends in their 90s.

[Steve]

I throw it away for Shirley McLean. I love her.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, yeah.

[Steve]

God, she's the best. So. So obviously we're familiar with Sedona and the whole vibe of the culture. Please continue.

[Ellen]

Okay. So. So, you know, the transformation was a lot about letting things go. Personal stuff. But I did see this healer.

[Steve]

Okay.

[Ellen]

And he. He had a lot of interesting things to say, one of which, he told me that my spirit animal, which were his words, I feel like that's a little appropriate.

[Eric Edelstein]

Y.

[Ellen]

But, yeah, my spirit animal was a horse. And this was news to me because I've never. I don't. I've never felt aligned to a horse, but everything else he said was really, really powerful and really resonated in a lot of ways. I feel a lot lighter, a lot better. And now that I'm home and it's been a couple weeks, I feel like I'm losing a little of that, and I want to do something with the horse to carry that, like, feeling that I had there with me. So, like, what I mean is. So that's my question, like, how can I honor this experience in. In the way that pays tribute to my animal, the horse. And this could be like, a physical thing. Like, I was thinking about a tattoo, but I don't have a lot of tattoos and I don'. Even really like. Horses are new to me. I don't know if I want that.

[Steve]

I was thinking about, have you considered buying the blu rays of Mr. Ed and having a marathon? I'm just kidding. Sorry.

[Ellen]

I'm open to anything if that.

[Steve]

Right, right. So this seems fairly like, straightforward. Let's, you know, reverse engineer a little here. This. You say you went to a healer.

[Ellen]

Yes.

[Steve]

And you use the word transformation.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah.

[Steve]

You really.

[Natalie]

You do.

[Steve]

You really, like, in your. In the. In your core self, feel like you were transformed by the feeler?

[Ellen]

I do, but begrudgingly, I guess it's not as simple as that. I immediately, when I saw this healer, was not into it. So I'll give you the real story. He was a white guy. He had a polyester shirt with mushrooms on it. He had a beard, ponytail.

[Steve]

And me, Danger, Will Robinson.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, white guy, ponytail, appropriation. We got problems.

[Steve]

Yeah, Red flags all over the place.

[Eric Edelstein]

Granted, though, I also have a healer that's a white guy with a ponytail. So as I cast one finger toward him, there's three point back at me, and it sucks. The first question I always have for something like this is, is this healer indigenous? Because he probably shouldn't even know what term spirit animal if he's not. Although. Unless it's our new friend whose father's about to be a shaman, but, like, already. I will also say this, having been to Sedona. Sedona is a place set up for big old suckers like me walking through looking for answers and vortexes.

[Steve]

I will. I will say the thing about Sedona, the whole tourist attraction is new age junk. Yeah, it is. I mean, like, I don't mean to say, like, as a blanket term, I think it's all junk, but, like, it is grift city. And, like, I know that just because I pretty enmeshed in the UFO scene. There are some UFOlogists there that are taking people for some rides. I won't say any names, but. So, like, one must be careful when you go to a place like Sedona because it is full of dudes who are going to throw around, like, passe terms like spirit animal. Let's face it, it's not. That's not the most creative thing in the world because, I mean, you see, like, you know, every Tom, Dick and Harry thing, like, oh, you know, like, oh, you know that this, this, and that is my spirit animal.

[Eric Edelstein]

You know, I had a spirit an. Is a unicorn. I was told this by a healer named truth. He was balding with a ponytail. But I had a fantastic. Yeah. And you drive through and you see these alien folks with huge billboards and like, boy, I walk through Sedona, I got a target on my back. Because I look like a big yokel with money to spend. And sadly, I am.

[Steve]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

So this guy. So you went in with some. With some preconceived notions, but obviously had a big enough impact on you. Where you do believe this is your spirit annual. Can you tell us a little more about this healer and where it ended up going with him after not starting on a great foot?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, yeah.

[Ellen]

I mean, the whole experience. I think I'm a skeptical person. So, like, from start to end, I was like this guy. But when I left.

[Eric Edelstein]

Good instincts.

[Ellen]

It wasn't a ponytail. It was a beard ponytail. He gathered his beard. Bejeweled ponytail.

[Eric Edelstein]

But as favored by David Koresh.

[Steve]

Yeah. When I left, a failed cult leader. Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Maybe not. I always think it'd be hilarious if you died. You only murdered club. And it's David Koresh. Like, oh, I. Oh, God, yeah. Or those guys in San Diego that I'll put on the matching Nike.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

What if they're right?

[Lars]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

A little boat.

[Steve]

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. So this guy, you're skeptical already because his appearance is a little. It's a little, like, too on the nose.

[Ellen]

I was skeptical the whole time, everything he did. But then when I left and reflected back, he was right about everything that he said.

[Eric Edelstein]

Wow. What was he right about? Talking to him.

[Steve]

Do you mind sharing a couple pieces of things that kind of. You're like, oh, well, there might be something to this guy.

[Ellen]

Well, it was really specific to a situation I'm going through, which is pretty heavy. I'm going through some family drama. So it was specific about letting go of that. And he did this. We did tarot. And there were some things that aligned. It wasn't groundbreaking stuff. I don't have anything that I was like, this is why. But a lot of the things he said were reinforced. The next day, I went for a massage and unprompted. The massage therapist said a lot of the same things because she said she could, like, feel them in my body as she was rubbing me.

[Steve]

Right. You don't think they could be working from a same. Like, I have seen some people like this because I'm a curious guy and I try things Out. And I do feel like there is kind of like a script that a lot of these people go out from. Now they're going to make it, maybe put it in their own words. But there are probing questions that, like, you know, quote unquote, like, you know, people who claim to be psychic mediums, they all ask generally the same stuff. And it's general enough to where a lot of times they can fit into anyone's framework, but you feel like they were specific enough to where it did jar you a little bit.

[Ellen]

I don't know if it was. If it was the words I heard or just the way I felt when I left, you know, like, I felt a lot better. And the last piece of the puzzle about this horse and why I'm interested in the horse. I have met a horse locally in the kind of, like, farmland between Illinois and Missouri that is a giant horse. I've seen this horse a couple times, and I feel like this horse. I didn't know horses could be this big, is the size of an elephant. And every time I've seen this horse, I can't believe it. And I feel like I have a moment of, like, I feel like this horse is important to me for some reason.

[Steve]

It's a totem, per se. Well, no, that. Well, this is interesting information telling us a lot here. This is telling us a lot here. So, okay, like, all the stuff I said about, like, you know, like, oh, you know, like, are they, like, if it made you feel better, that's all that matters. Like, it doesn't matter if, like, this guy was some dude off the street who, like, is an acid casualty from the seventies. Truly doesn't matter. Right?

[Eric Edelstein]

Which I couldn't wait to throw that guy my money. I'll say that right now. That's why I'm here. Truly. Ponytail and a good rap. Yeah. Here's my debit card.

[Steve]

Yeah, I bet he's got some great home.

[Eric Edelstein]

But you already feel this intuitive and especially that giant horse. So out the gates, I would say, can you go visit this giant horse? Because let's. Now, in the weird here to help realm, we're gonna say you found two very real healers in Sedona, that you're on a path that is predestined that the hand of fate cradled you into two very real white folks with ponytails and a dream. And you. Now they're right. Your spirit animal is a horse. You felt intuitive connection to this giant horse. So what I'm wondering is, can you go out and visit this horse and also I'm looking out in the Chicagoland area. We have Memory lane Stables, the 9 acres equestrian center, and the Palos Hills Riding Stables. There's a plethora of horse related activity for you to commune, which is now your spirit animal.

[Steve]

Right? I bet that's some bougie ass. Like Lincoln park horse stables, though, where the hoi polloi go riding on the weekends.

[Natalie]

Wait, Ellen, where did you. Where is this big horse and how is it that you came to meet it?

[Ellen]

Okay, so it's at like an animal farm kind of place where you can go visit so you can find this horse. Could go back and visit this horse.

[Steve]

Okay, Ellen. Ellen. I am. First off, that is one. This is amazing that you actually feel like it is possible to find this horse. Here is initial pitch that comes to my head right away. You take what I like to call a little bit of a sojourn, a solo trip. You. And you know what? You make it an adventure. You listen to some weird ambient music. On the way down. You have a cooler full of like natural snacks, you know, maybe some, like some baked tofu and you know, like a vegan egg salad. And you go to this place, this sanctuary, and you, you photograph this horse at a couple different angles and then you maybe stay the night so you can connect to the same kind of land and geography as the horse. Then you get in your little car, you drive back to Shiki G, you find a great painter and you commission a painting of this horse based off the picture you took.

[Ellen]

I like that.

[Steve]

How does that grab you?

[Ellen]

I like that one. One issue is I've taken pictures of this horse before and there it doesn't. You can't tell how big it is, but I guess it's okay.

[Steve]

But that's only for. This is for you, though. This isn't to impress anyone else. You know what I'm saying? Like, and also an artist worth their salt can put, you know, can scale the horse to make it, you know, so the size can really sing.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, I'll tell you what scale it is. If we get a picture of Ellen and the horse. Right? Oh, Eric. And then just. I think the more time we can spend with this horse, the better. Do we know the name of this horse?

[Ellen]

I don't know the name of this horse.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, we'll find out soon. You're stuck with us now, so we're going to want to know. I'm envisioning my favorite episode of the Sopranos is the one where they have Tony Soprano on the horse.

[Steve]

Pio Mai.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, My yes. And then sweet Tony Sirico wants to keep the painting. Yeah, him as Napoleon.

[Steve]

Yeah. You look majestic, Tone.

[Eric Edelstein]

So I'm kind of seeing your version of Tony Soprano on the horse with this giant horse. And what better way to show scale than have having you in it, sister.

[Steve]

You can have some fun with it. It can be kind of like this version of yourself that is like a. Maybe like a sorceress or something like that. Like you can make it fantastical. You can take the picture of you and the horse and put it on. Like what you would envision, you know, sitting on the planet Saturn would look like. You can make it like very 1970s sci fi novel. Take the art, you know, the art, the. The liberties the artists can take with their endless. However, I do think this little sojourn and it won't be about the destination of the horse. I have a feeling if you follow this path, you're gonna have some interesting moments. There's also something hypnotic about literally like driving on a road and looking at the lines puts you in a mild hypnotic state.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, I love it. It feels like a meditation.

[Steve]

It does, it does. And I mean like so like how long, like if just, you know, you don't have to look it up right now, but like how long would you guess this road trip would be to go see the special horse?

[Ellen]

It would be about like four hours. It would be quite.

[Steve]

That's nothing. That is nothing. That's so great. In fact, I would recommend booking a hotel in the general area of where this horses so you can make it a little treat to yourself. Like I. I actually love going on vacations by myself. It usually involves looking at. Looking at something paranormal or weird. I love to go like legend tripping and a lot of times I prefer to go by myself. But you can really make this kind of like a. You know, I hate to throw the word sac, but you could make this a sacred sojourn, a little journey for yourself. Like where you just go. You don't even tell anyone what you're doing. You're going out there to do something that is just for you. And it's to commune with this animal that has caught your attention prior to going to Sedona. So there's definitely something about this horse that you find majestic and beautiful. So I say lean into it. Go visit this horse. Seems like a no brainer to me.

[Ellen]

Yeah, I think about this horse all the time.

[Eric Edelstein]

So this is all meant to be. Be friend. We're so glad to share this with you. There are answers within this horse and within you, Alan.

[Steve]

I mean, this sounds like a pretty good course of action. What are you thinking, friend?

[Ellen]

Yeah, I'm on board. I'm going to take a road trip. Going somewhere by myself. Sounds fantastic. Been craving that. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to, you know, have an experience with the horse. I'm going to get a picture with the horse that I will put into a painting and I'm gonna go back and visit this horse pretty regularly.

[Steve]

Yeah. Become a part of the horse's life. I think I love this. Now, the most important part I think Eric and I can probably help you with beyond what we've already talked about is you're gonna want to consider snacks and food.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah.

[Steve]

I'm a big believer in it is important to, you know, and like, when I say culture. Every small town, they could be 10, 10 miles apart. They have their own culture and their own vibe and energy.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, yeah.

[Steve]

I would recommend. And right when you get there, right after you throw your bag from your hotel, go to the most local ish diner, the place that seems like the hub of the small town, and get yourself a nice meal. Okay, Eric?

[Eric Edelstein]

Absolutely. Snacks on the way. Steve would say pack snacks. I do that a little bit. But man, there's nothing better than pulling into that gas station, getting stuff you wouldn't normally let yourself get.

[Steve]

Get.

[Eric Edelstein]

I love getting honey roasted peanuts. I rip the top of the bag off my mouth. I just dump them in with some good water. You nailed it. I won't usually have them. Yeah, the ingredients aren't amazing.

[Steve]

Get yourself a sugar soda.

[Eric Edelstein]

Part of the sojourn. Oh, my God. Get yourself an alternative soda.

[Steve]

Are you.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, get a Mr. Pib and wonder where it all went. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve]

Buy like a weird hard boiled egg that you're not sure is like, like okay to eat. You know, like take a.

[Eric Edelstein]

In the bag that they sell. That's in plastic. Microplastics are fine if you're on your way to see a big horse.

[Steve]

That's true. They don'.

[Eric Edelstein]

If you see any kind of proven.

[Steve]

If you see a taquito spinning on a rotisserie thing, don't even think about it. Buy two of them.

[Eric Edelstein]

Right.

[Ellen]

All right. I'm feeling empowered.

[Steve]

Ellen, you feeling good?

[Ellen]

I'm feeling great. I'm feeling great. I really appreciate it. I'm glad that we went from you thinking I got scammed to believe in them on the right path.

[Natalie]

So.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, I think you found the right people. It just took a little bit of prodding. We have to come in like that because Sedona is rife with con artists. But you found who you were supposed to find. And you'll find even more with that horse. And some honey roasted peanuts and a Mr. Pib on the way.

[Steve]

Word, Word. I love it. Well, Ellen, thank you so much. Please reach back out and let us know how this sojourn went. I'm dying to hear and write down every snack you have because the food is probably the most important part.

[Eric Edelstein]

And I want to see a picture of you and the horse. I want to. For scale.

[Steve]

Please, please.

[Ellen]

Will do. Will do. I'll be back in touch. Thanks, guys.

[Eric Edelstein]

Honor to meet you, friend. Have a good one. Yes.

[Steve]

Oh, well, hello. Who do we. Oh, that's a. That's a beautiful looking area code. Well, my friend, what is your name and where are you coming from?

[Lars]

Hey, I'm Lars. I'm from Baltimore.

[Steve]

Lars, you are one of the first Lars I've ever met. Except for Lars Alrich, who still owes me $20. Just kidding. Where are you calling from?

[Lars]

Baltimore.

[Steve]

Baltimore? Okay. The wire, the Orioles, Soft shell crab, Edgar Allan Poe. Poe, don't forget Poe.

[Eric Edelstein]

Come on. Had a rough end there.

[Steve]

Well, my friend, let's get down to brass tacks. What's on your mind? How can my brother Eric and I help you today?

[Eric Edelstein]

Let's go, Lars.

[Lars]

Yes, and. Hello, fellas. Nice to talk to you.

[Eric Edelstein]

Great to talk to you, brother.

[Lars]

So my wife and I have a row home in Baltimore.

[Steve]

I'm sorry, what's a row home?

[Eric Edelstein]

Row home.

[Lars]

Oh, like a townhouse. That's what we call them here, I guess.

[Steve]

Oh, yes, like in the.

[Eric Edelstein]

Dave Roof lived in a row home in Baltimore before he got sent to the orphanage.

[Steve]

I've seen him in the movies. Yeah, beautiful. Sounds great.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yes.

[Steve]

Love a row home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Eric Edelstein]

Don't know what a row home is. Five minutes.

[Steve]

I do now. You son of a gun.

[Hannah]

Don't you?

[Eric Edelstein]

Johnny Roholm.

[Steve]

Oh, you macheted me right in the belly. Okay, okay. Ah. Let's go. Okay, okay. Sorry, Lars, you're in a row.

[Eric Edelstein]

Sorry, Lars. We got involved in our own issues.

[Lars]

You're all good. I guess just the geography matters a little bit. So we don't have an alley in the back. We have a yard. And all of our neighbors have yards as well. So like. So like there. There's a row on all four sides of the block. So we kind of have a little like, I guess for lack of a better term, like a courtyard situation going on back there.

[Steve]

Love a courtyard.

[Lars]

Yeah, it's it's very nice. It's very. And because, you know, the homes are so tall, it actually stays quite quiet back there, you know, considering we're in the middle of the city. It's very quiet. It's very peaceful. And I love being out there, as do a lot of folk. The problem is this time of year and it happens in the autumn and the spring, the windows are open because the weather is so nice.

[Steve]

Sure.

[Lars]

And I got a neighbor two doors down who is jerking off very loudly.

[Eric Edelstein]

Jesus.

[Steve]

Wait, this guy's plucking the piccolo with the windows open.

[Lars]

Yes, yes.

[Steve]

Okay.

[Eric Edelstein]

Holy shit. Okay, back us up. Back us way up. Back it all the way up. Lars, Lars, I'm sorry, I have to do this. I need an impression of the noises because some. Some folks, of course, none of us have found a. Found a way to pleasure oneself without being loud or noisy.

[Steve]

And also, I want to. I want to. This is getting graphic. So not safe for kids.

[Eric Edelstein]

Turn it down.

[Steve]

Down. Parents. Now. Is it the sounds of Skin on Skin or is it the skin on skin? Or is it grunts? Dude, is it grunts?

[Eric Edelstein]

Is it like.

[Lars]

Or is it. I would. Oh, my God. I would. I would pay money if it was just grunts.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. First of all, I'm sorry, but walk us through this. You know what? Run us through this.

[Steve]

It sounds like a skin on situation. My God.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah.

[Lars]

It is not. It is not a skin on skin situation.

[Steve]

Thank God.

[Lars]

It is not a grunting situation. Also, it's not a porn situation. He's not listening to the pornography loudy loudly. It's what I've come. My wife and I have come to call screamster baiting.

[Steve]

Screamster baiting.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, my God. Now I'm a little scared.

[Lars]

So, yeah, so there's this. You guys are probably familiar with this.

[Steve]

There's a.

[Lars]

When you're doing that, there's this part right at the end that kind of gets kind of wild.

[Steve]

Wait, wait, back up. I didn't understand what you said. We're familiar with what now?

[Lars]

You're familiar with pleasuring yourself.

[Eric Edelstein]

And right towards the end, Steve is.

[Steve]

For sure it never done it. Never done it. Yeah, that's a fan. That's a fan. That's a San Diego.

[Eric Edelstein]

How dare you scream when you pleasure yourself.

[Steve]

You're a filthy boy, Stephen.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, no, sorry. You just heard what Stephen does.

[Steve]

I've read enough books. Do I understand what. What the finishing is usually like?

[Eric Edelstein]

I'll cop to it. I. Yeah, I've dabbled. I've dabbled. Never screamed. Never screamed.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

So what is happening at the end there, Lars?

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lars. Let's hear it.

[Lars]

So at the end, I knew I wasn't gonna get away without doing an impression. It does vary, but it is always loud and it is always distressing.

[Steve]

Oh, God.

[Lars]

So I'll be, you know, standing. Standing in the backyard, and I'm not gonna do this at volume because I'll scare my cats.

[Eric Edelstein]

And he's doing it. Your cats have already heard it. I think we need it at Vol.

[Steve]

You can scale it down, Steve.

[Eric Edelstein]

Don't let him off the hook, Steve.

[Steve]

Yeah, no, you're right.

[Eric Edelstein]

We want this at volume. Let the cats. Give the cats some sardines. Put the phone down, like, farther away, and then give us your best. If this guy hears you mimicking him, I think it's. We're beginning to solve the problem.

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. I always. I'm.

[Eric Edelstein]

Okay, give it to us. We're both classically trained. We're going to be taking notes. Yeah. Give us the sound you're hearing.

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lars]

Oh, Christ Almighty. What the fuck is this? Timeline? I'm about to do this.

[Eric Edelstein]

We love you, brother. We love you.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

This is a safe place.

[Steve]

It's the ultimate timeline, bro.

[Lars]

You know, I'll be standing in the backyard in the afternoon, and it's not unusual for me to hear.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, the third one really brought it home. First of all, no notes on the acting performance. The line performance.

[Steve]

You got it.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm giving you at least a 9.3 out of 10. And then what you did was two scary ones and then ending with the pleasure.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Which was perfect.

[Steve]

Now, Lars, let's just, you know, to play devil's advocate here.

[Eric Edelstein]

Why advocate for the devil?

[Steve]

Well, no, I'm just saying. No, no, maybe this isn't devil's advocate. I'm just saying, like, as a. As a detective, professional detective, you want to rule out everything else could this guy. Because when I hear a sound like that, that, you know, that could be a person who maybe has too much dairy in his diet and has a hard time passing a number two. Like, maybe. Maybe he's on the toilet and this is it. Like, how. I mean, like, I. I'm with you. My first instinct would be to say, this guy's plucking the piccolo. However, I think we need to rule some things out.

[Eric Edelstein]

Like, symphony, for one.

[Steve]

Well, what if he's doing, like, a long hold yoga pose? Some. Some of those yogas where you're like. You're holding for five minutes.

[Lars]

Can I give you another variant?

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, the world needs it.

[Steve]

Give me a beast side, because this.

[Lars]

This happened a couple days ago. I've never heard this particular variant. It was like this.

[Steve]

Oh, wow.

[Eric Edelstein]

Sounds like a Buick tried to turn over.

[Steve]

So. Okay, so.

[Eric Edelstein]

Okay, yeah, that's. That's. That's sexual, Steve. That's sexual. We're in a sexual realm right now, and you have to accept it. Okay, yeah.

[Steve]

So you called the right people. We moonlight as sexual therapists. So this.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, and also, like, we get a lot of paranormal calls. We love these calls just as much or more. So people have these kind. Please, by all means, call in.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Already this feels easier for us than somebody dealing with a ghost or an energy vampire.

[Steve]

Okay, so.

[Eric Edelstein]

And I want to get deeply involved.

[Steve]

So what I'm getting out of this. If. If this. I mean, like, in theory, most people, when they are pleasuring themselves skin on skin style. Steve, you will try to be covert. It's not. It's like. It's like a fart. You don't go like. You're not like in a coffee shop, you know, a hipster coffee shop in Baltimore. Hey, everybody. Hey. Best guess, it was me. That's not a thing that happens. Unless you are a true weirdo, which. God. God bless. Respect.

[Eric Edelstein]

We might be dancing with a true weirdo here.

[Steve]

I think we might be dancing with an exhibitionist. This, to me, has all the hallmarks of exhibition. If you are opening the window and you are. Are audibly grunting that loud, my thinking is this guy wants people to hear it.

[Lars]

I was really hoping that's not the case.

[Eric Edelstein]

Okay, well, Steve, don't. We need to hear about the guy. This is a neighbor. There is a shared common area of a courtyard. Tell us everything about the guy, about your neighbor, what you know about him. And I'm sure hoping we have a phone number on him, because my first instinct is we need to give him a ringy ding, ding. Anonymous. So tell us about this neighbor. And I use that term very loosely.

[Lars]

Okay, so he is. He's a very nice guy. He's all smiles every time I see him.

[Eric Edelstein]

Just like serial killers.

[Steve]

Yeah. Yep.

[Eric Edelstein]

Buddy Dahmer, help me on my groceries. Yeah, I can't get the advance in a record deal. Like.

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

This fits the profile of a weirdo.

[Steve]

Sure does. It sure does.

[Lars]

He's. He's a. He's a working fellow. He works evenings. And I only know that because I. I pass him in his work. I pass him in his work. Uniform as I'm coming home from work and he's going to work.

[Eric Edelstein]

And what kind of work is it? What's the work? Uniform. Without giving you specific sounds like he.

[Steve]

Works with his hands.

[Lars]

Yes, If I, If I had to guess, I would say security guard. That's kind of what the uniform looks like.

[Steve]

Okay, so this is a guy you don't want to fuck with. I mean, and honestly, like, I'm a big fan of harmony in my. Especially in my home environment and like, to dis, you know, you don't want to get into like a war with a neighbor. I. Right. You're like, you're not looking to be confrontational.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, there's no way. This is not like, hey, you, you had a party and you're, you're playing credence at 2:30am yeah, this is, you got a, A boatload of issues going on. And especially he's a security guard. He's. He's grunting like, this could be a dangerous situation.

[Steve]

I, you know, I think the path of least resistance here in the least, like, confrontation here would be to slip an anonymous note, like, like, hey, friend, hey, neighbor. We hear you playing the skin flute quite loudly. And while I'm a, you know, patron of the arts, I sure would appreciate, you know, maybe closing the window or biting a pillow or something.

[Eric Edelstein]

But what if this guy's got a camera and we. Because I think this is a disturbed individual potentially. If this guy's got cameras around his apartment, Steve, this could be scary. To leave a note, I think.

[Steve]

Think. Yeah, you're not.

[Eric Edelstein]

Let me ask, do you have a way to get this guy's phone number?

[Lars]

The only way I would get his phone number is if I were just to ask.

[Eric Edelstein]

Okay, we don't want to do that, because my first instinct, Steve, we get a burner phone and we call this guy and we tell him, you're. You're creeping out a whole courtyard. You're creeping out the apartment complex. This is Baltimore, the city of Babe Ruth, the Orioles, Ed Ground, Poe and Cal Ripken streak. Not allowed, pal.

[Steve]

Look, not. Not allowed. I love the play. However, I think it's gonna be tough to get a guy's phone number without having a name. You know, you can get any phone number, but, like, well, do you have.

[Eric Edelstein]

The mailboxes with people's names on it?

[Steve]

Oh, interesting.

[Lars]

There are no mailboxes. People names. They're. They're row homes. So, like everything, all of that outside. And also one more wrinkle before we get too, too much further in There is a. A bit of a language barrier here.

[Steve]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Eric Edelstein]

Belgian shoot.

[Lars]

Could be.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, that's the whole thing. Belgian guys come over here and jack it loudly. It's just a. It's a thing.

[Steve]

Known thing.

[Eric Edelstein]

It's a known thing, man.

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely. You wouldn't assume Belgium, but it could be Belgium.

[Eric Edelstein]

I think we have to then get someone that doesn't live in the apartment complex that isn't connected with you potentially wearing a KN95 mask to drop the note anonymously. Because if this were a normal guy, he'd be mortified and be like, oh, my God, I can't believe I got caught. Or maybe he's having a bout of IBS or he's doing some kind of competitive yoga. But whatever it is, the sound is creeping people off and I want to stop. I also want to admit to something here. I feel the need to forget. Full, full disclosure.

[Steve]

God. I'm.

[Eric Edelstein]

One of my favorite bits to do to Steve to really get him. We were once at a screening and the projector broke down.

[Steve]

Literally done.

[Eric Edelstein]

And it's just. I'm a child. So this projector, we're completely in the dark. The projector's broken for five minutes. And so I just went.

[Steve]

Eric started moaning. We were highest kites. I died laughing so hard that I don't know if I've ever been in that much physical pain. I could not catch my breath. I thought. I thought, I thought I was gonna die from lack of a.

[Eric Edelstein]

There's something about a well timed moan in a public place that. I don't know. I wish it didn't make me laugh so much. Lars. No, I know I'm not a mature man. I'm not. I'm just not. I'm sorry, Lars.

[Steve]

Eric, you know, going back, going back to our improvisational training, is this a yes and situation where when good old spring rolls around, people are cracking that window? What if you beat him at his own game?

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, no pun intended. We have cats, Steve. We have cats in Lars apartment.

[Steve]

We don't want to scare him, you.

[Eric Edelstein]

Know, but you're talking about just everybody starts making JN noises. If you could coordinate all your neighbors to start making loud moans like I just demonstrated, when he does it, I think he'd be so flummoxed and confused. One, he'd know he's caught. And two, if you have a bunch of other people, exhibitionist or no, moaning back, I think it might stop him.

[Steve]

Like, I. Because I actually think that if he heard someone else Doing what he was doing. He'd be like, oh, can people hear me do that?

[Eric Edelstein]

And Lars, we know you can do the sound. Really?

[Steve]

Goddamn yeah. Lar, you're the Daniel brother.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm sorry you're crossed a bear.

[Steve]

Yeah. Is there an option that's maybe less.

[Hannah]

Confrontational, that's a little bit funnier, that maybe won't make him so mad?

[Steve]

Like what if we played everybody agrees to play celebratory fanfare music or.

[Ellen]

Something.

[Steve]

Silly to let them know what I mean. That is such a good idea. I love that. It is so much.

[Eric Edelstein]

That's awesome.

[Steve]

What if you had like a speaker next to your window and when he finishes, he does his big grand finale. You play like an audio clip of like sexy or just like Queens.

[Eric Edelstein]

We are the champions at an ear splitting level.

[Steve]

Yeah. Or like, or like you know, even just like an Audi, like a giant like you know, sound club of an audience clapping. Bravo. Bravo.

[Eric Edelstein]

It's just Natalie, I think you, you just gave a great solution.

[Steve]

Yeah, I think that's so good. I think, I think that's pretty good.

[Lars]

I don't know why, but as soon as you said play something, I thought of all you need is love. Because it has that French fanfare.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Eric Edelstein]

Are you kidding?

[Steve]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

And all he needs is love. It's self love is still love, Steve.

[Steve]

Yeah, I mean, look, I think, I think I. That's such a great call, Natalie, because I think like being sort of like reflexively funny about it, like actually like you know. You know, and like he'll probably get. I mean like unless he's pretty dense, I think he's going to get what you're doing, right?

[Lars]

I would think so. Although I don't know, man. Like I like it and I want to try that. However, his windows are open and he's screaming at the top of his lungs. There's no way he doesn't know, Right.

[Eric Edelstein]

Like, I think it might be part of what's getting. It might be part of what's floating his boat down the street.

[Steve]

The exhibition. I mean, look, look, without being confront. I still think like Natalie suggested about playing something is probably the opening gambit to, to this, this is a good step one.

[Eric Edelstein]

But then after that I would think about having somebody show up unconnected or you know, when he's not home. But just in case there's a secret camera, somebody unconnected, the apartment, a friend of yours that can wear a mask and drop off a note anonymously and you can phrase it like, hey, hey, we have kids in this courtyard. We have cats in this courtyard.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

It is so loud. We. We want you to be able to do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home. This is still a free country, but we don't want to hear it. Yeah. And we say this with love. I'm sure it's an oversight on your part, but we'd love for you to not do this again. And you can have a friend drop it off. I'm sure they'll be up to it. You can kind of do it after he leaves for work. I don't know if there's a. You know, he might have a ring cam, but I think there's a way to, like, kind of toss that sucker out of you. Of the ring cam. T. To see marbles.

[Steve]

Do you want to leave a ball gag when you do it?

[Lars]

Jesus.

[Eric Edelstein]

That might.

[Natalie]

That.

[Eric Edelstein]

That might. That might get him more excited, which is really what we want. We're trying to spread happiness.

[Steve]

Then you have to hear him grunting through a ball gag, which. Look, I don't know if you're ready for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Better than screaming.

[Steve]

It might be.

[Eric Edelstein]

It's a lot better than screaming.

[Steve]

He might adjust his volume for. For the ball. Ball gag.

[Eric Edelstein]

I. I like this. Starting with the. All you need is love. And. And we can hope that the. The Beatles have translated to. To the Belgian what that means. Yeah. And if that doesn't work, I think it's time to have an anonymous friend drop off a note. And Steve and I are the kind of people that would rush it to the chance to do it. The other thing, if you can get his phone number. Oh, I am happy to get a burner phone from 711 and make a call to him. Yeah, and.

[Steve]

Which would.

[Eric Edelstein]

Well, you never know now. So do you have a landlord, or you just don't own these houses outright, or how does that work?

[Steve]

That's a good question.

[Lars]

It varies, but we. We own our home.

[Eric Edelstein]

Congrats. I don't know.

[Lars]

I don't know his status. Okay.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah.

[Steve]

And. And, like, you know, obviously, like, you don't want to get a guy kicked out of his home. That, like, you know, like, if it was like. If it was, like, a rent.

[Eric Edelstein]

This is weird behavior, Steve. This is weird. I mean, and he's involving having people and cats listen to him pleasure himself. This is. This is. Can I ask how often this is happening? Yeah. What's his stuff?

[Lars]

So I can't tell you exactly because I am not always in the backyard or at my back window, but I can tell you that in the spring and in the autumn for the past three years. I. I can hear it. Oh, no. It probably averages once a week. I hear it.

[Steve]

Right, right. That's.

[Lars]

I mean, that could be happening every single day.

[Eric Edelstein]

I live in fear of this sound. I. I would. I would I be pondering, moving. That's how freaked out I'd be. This is serial killer.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Lars]

Not only that, I had, like, my neighbor on the other side had someone house sitting for him who regularly house. It's very, very nice lady. And I was out there, and she said, by the way, I almost called. Called someone earlier because it sounded like someone was in distress. And I said, how in distress were they? Were they yelling for something? And she said, no, no. It sounded like someone might be choking or something.

[Eric Edelstein]

I said, oh, God. Was this between 3 and 4pm oh. Oh, he's got that security belt around his neck.

[Lars]

Yeah, that's the guy down there jerking off. I had to kill this woman.

[Eric Edelstein]

You don't want to do that. She's having a nice time, house sitting, eating other people's food and D and booze.

[Steve]

Pleasure.

[Eric Edelstein]

And she's got to hear that sound.

[Steve]

Yes. Skin on skin action. He's just like, oh, God.

[Eric Edelstein]

John Wayne Gacy Jr. Just over there putting on his show for all of us. He's probably got clown makeup on.

[Steve]

No, don't you eat? It's Stevie.

[Eric Edelstein]

He does. Steve, don't run from this.

[Steve]

I swear to God, if this guy's a clown, I'm. I'm leaving this planet. I can't take that.

[Eric Edelstein]

Steve, we need you here. We need you here.

[Steve]

Thank you. No, thank you.

[Eric Edelstein]

I love you.

[Steve]

I'm not doing that. I.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, but I bet he could have clown makeup on.

[Steve]

Lars, what do we think here, babe? I think, like, I do think, like, let's try the soft. Let's try a little soft shoe. And I think. I think Natalie's method of playing, like, you know, all you need is love or an audience. Like, you know, a standing ovation, which you can find online. Go to YouTube, type in, like, audience, you know, or what do you call clapping? Whatever. You'll. You can find that so easily. And right when he does his grand finale, whatever that is.

[Eric Edelstein]

One more time, Steve. Oh, no. This guy's a pro for a reason. He's a pro for a reason.

[Steve]

Oh, I made mess. You know, like, you know, like.

[Eric Edelstein]

I.

[Steve]

Can'T believe I just said I'm disgusted with myself. But I think you start doing with that, and then if you got to go, if you got to start Fighting fire with fire, I think. Then you. Then. Then you go there.

[Eric Edelstein]

You know, you do anonymous letter, and then third tier, you somehow find out his property, which on Zillow and other stuff, you can find out the names of people that own or rent properties very easily. I've gotten stuff sent to me at my house. It's not hard to find. Find out.

[Steve]

Right.

[Lars]

My wife is so good at that.

[Eric Edelstein]

Okay, put your wife on, because I swear to God, Lars, you got two giant friends now. You got 13ft of love on your side. Yeah, I will absolutely get a burner phone and call this man. And enjoy doing it, man.

[Steve]

Eric could do a Belgian accent and speak directly to him. Something that he'd understand, you know, like, finally, right?

[Eric Edelstein]

He's just looking for meaning and understanding. I mean, if we were better, we'd be like, well, let's try to find him a lady or a fella or whatever he need. But no, this is deviant behavior, and he's involving everyone else. And it's not victim free. He's involving all of you and his crap.

[Steve]

Yeah, and his.

[Eric Edelstein]

You know, this all traces back to his bad childhood, and we don't have to deal with it anymore. It stops today.

[Steve]

Yeah, well. And look, we don't want to kink shame anyone, you know, like.

[Eric Edelstein]

But he's hurting others. Once you hurt someone else, brother.

[Steve]

I agree. I don't.

[Eric Edelstein]

Everyone has to be consent. If he went to everyone in the courtyard, like, hey, here's my deal. I'm wrestling with it. I'm gonna make some noises if I got assigned permission. So from the court, you're like, you know what? Sure. We'd like to be a part of this.

[Steve]

You know, I imagine this guy, he's got, like, a headset, and he's, like, miked up. He's got a lot of mic on. He's like, all right, cool. And, you know, crank on the old, you know, mixer. And he's like, look, I think. I think we got a decent plan. Lars, do you feel good about this?

[Lars]

Yeah, I feel good about.

[Steve]

I feel.

[Eric Edelstein]

Think there's no way to feel great about this.

[Steve]

There's no way. I also think in terms of the letter also. You can just, if you do not want to get caught or, like, drop the letter. Like the ring camera situation. You can just drop a letter in the mail.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, my God.

[Steve]

To the resident, write the address.

[Eric Edelstein]

Why did I think of that? Why am I having to recruit friends? We know his address.

[Steve]

He'll never know. Do it. Type it.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, So I better write it in your left hand and, like, block letters.

[Steve]

He could be.

[Eric Edelstein]

Or you could cut out stuff from Mag. If you want to fight fire, fire cut out stuff from magazines. Like, it's a ransom note.

[Steve]

If I got. If someone sent me. If someone sent me a letter with, like, a cutout magazine, things like, I would lose my mind.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'd never touch it down there again.

[Steve]

Honestly. This. Yeah, you may, like, this man may have to quit masturbate, masturbating after this.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, we're. We're beginning a campaign, Lars. All right, you got two field generals here. We're ready to an activation vision. But this, the beginning of the end is today. Okay. Because I want to apologize to your cats. Yeah. Yeah. That's trauma. Nobody wants that.

[Steve]

Yeah. As a father of two wonderful kittens, David and Steven Jr. I do feel for them. And so, like, let's nip this in the bud and do us a favor, Lars. Please get in contact and let us know how this goes.

[Lars]

I will let you know. Just you. You've been so generous. If I could just ask one more favor.

[Eric Edelstein]

Sure.

[Lars]

Because I am to. If I am to write a letter to this man, I have been really struggling with. Because I, I thought of all sorts of confrontations with him just confronting the issue, and I don't know which term to use. Should I use the just master masturbate? Should I use a youth.

[Eric Edelstein]

I think especially there's a language gap from the original Belgian where we have to just go, masturbating.

[Steve]

Yeah, let's pleasure.

[Eric Edelstein]

You can do both. You, you can do many. And I'm like you, where I'll run through stuff a million times in my head, and I know how it can consume you. And as much fun as we're yucking it up today, I'd be going crazy over this, and I would. I would have difficulty sleeping. I really would be, man. It's, It's. It's an injustice what he's doing, or he's involving you in his shit.

[Steve]

Or Eric would hear that and go, I don't know. Maybe I should knock one off too.

[Eric Edelstein]

You know what? Win in Rome. Win in Baltimore. I played Babe Ruth in an Ohtani commercial. I basically, Basically, Baltimore British. Come on.

[Steve]

Yeah, so I, I, I, I do. Yeah. I think, I think, you know, I think masturbating.

[Eric Edelstein]

I think the term.

[Steve]

Absolutely. And I would make.

[Eric Edelstein]

You can Google it.

[Steve]

A very formal letter. Like, I wouldn't be cute at all.

[Eric Edelstein]

Legalese. I like that.

[Steve]

Legalese tax. And I just would maybe like, sincerely, a concerned neighbor. Although, do You. Yeah, you. Well, he's gonna know it's a neighbor because obviously, like. So, yeah, I would say a concerned neighbor.

[Eric Edelstein]

And then your next acting exercise is when you see him out and about, he'll. He'll have no clue. You're gonna have an atmosphere of joy. Friendly neighbor. You don't know what he's doing. There's no way this could be traced to you. Lars don't tell from the two different line reads you gave us on the. You know, the. The sound he's making as he's whacking this shit. You're a good actor, so I need that acting ability. When you run into this. When you run into this. Dude. Deviant.

[Steve]

Is that what you say when you come. You masturbate? I go whack this.

[Lars]

I'll be right back. I gotta go whack this.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah. My hotel rooms could talk. They'd scream.

[Steve]

Lars, good luck. Please, like, please get back to us and let us know how this goes. And if we have to go to plan B or, you know, or plan C, if neither of these work, we are here for you. We will not give up on you, Lars.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, I will call this.

[Steve]

Eric will call this. With a great Belgian accent and, like, you know, get in his head.

[Eric Edelstein]

We're ready.

[Steve]

We're ready, baby.

[Lars]

Okay. Y. Y' all are beautiful. It's been really helpful. Thank you.

[Eric Edelstein]

Is the number one ballpark I haven't been to yet, so I'm gonna go very soon, and I'm hoping you're there with me with a nice, quiet courtyard, as you deserve, in those row houses. Yeah, let's do it. The one you have it, B. It's the best one I know. And I. And I love the. I'm Babe Ruth obsessed. I'm Otani obsessed. Baltimore's high on my list. I'll be there soon. And, Lars, you're coming with me.

[Steve]

Hear that, Lars?

[Lars]

All right, come on with it.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right, it's on. It's on. Go get some water.

[Lars]

Okay.

[Eric Edelstein]

All right.

[Lars]

Thanks, guys.

[Eric Edelstein]

Hell yeah, brother.

[Steve]

Go, go. Whack off, dude.

[Eric Edelstein]

Hello, caller. Is this our friend? Is this our update? It is. Oh, my gosh. Please briefly tell our crew what we.

[Steve]

Talked about before and for the listeners, Your. Your name and where you're calling from as well, please.

[Lars]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so I'm Kelsey, calling back with an update from Chicago about my trying to break up with my dance therapy.

[Steve]

Hell, yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

This is big. And you are actually our first ever caller, so to. To have you be our first ever update. Kelsey means the World. So, Kelsey, what did you do? Did our advice help at all?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It actually was so good. But truthfully, it took me a couple weeks longer than I wanted, which is why it's been taking so long to call in. I kept chickening out and then. But anyways, the day I finally decided to do it, I. I felt like I could, like, sense. Or I felt like she could sense that it was coming because she talked on and on and on for, like, 35 straight minutes about how life was, like, a little bit hard for her.

[Steve]

Oh, my God, what a nightmare person. Sorry.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, more trauma dumping for 35 minutes of active listening. That's why it just confirms you're correct. You're correct to run. You knew.

[Steve]

Yeah. I mean, that is so wildly unprofessional. I can't. I can't get over it. I'm sorry. Please, please.

[Eric Edelstein]

Steve. Upset. Look up. She's upset, Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, yeah, when she finished her, like, whole spiel, she said, man, I love anecdotes. And I was like, what?

[Steve]

She. She. She was just complimenting herself. That's what that is. Oh, this is the most needy person I've ever heard in my life. Okay. So she said. She said, I love anecdotes. Amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So I was like, okay, yeah, that solidifies that this has to stop right now. So I was like, okay, I just have to go for it. Especially because the whole, like, way there, I had written down my little speech, but it was harder to do because she was all, like, sad. So I felt bad being like, oh, yeah. Well, I'm actually really good. Like, so good that I don't need therapy anymore.

[Steve]

Great.

[Eric Edelstein]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I essentially said that, like, my whole spiel, I told her I was feeling really good and that I was ready to, like, quote, unquote, graduate, and that I have been in such a good place and want to use what she's taught me on my own in the real world.

[Eric Edelstein]

You nailed it, Chelsea. 10 out of 10.

[Steve]

That's beautiful. That is. That is a.

[Eric Edelstein]

You feel unburdened. I can sense that there's a little bit of a grill off your back, isn't there?

[Steve]

How did. How did Needy Nathan take this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was good. He said a couple funny things to me. One thing that she said right after I was like, I'm done coming. She told me that my disposition is really strong, and she's seen a strong shift in power and strength in me. So I was like, okay, feeling good. And then for the dance part of it, she had me, like, lay flat on the ground and then slowly stand up and then slowly lay back down while she played played a classical acoustic or acoustic instrumental version of the song Shallow while she chanted free of self doubt.

[Steve]

Wait, Shallow? Are you talking about the Joy. The Joy Division song.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now from A Star is Born. The like Lady Gaga.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. And Kelsey, what did she change?

[Steve]

I will lose my mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She chanted I am free of self doubt. I am free of self sabotage. And it was very unclear whether she was saying it like to me to like that I would be free of self doubt or that she was saying it to herself.

[Steve]

Yeah, I'm.

[Eric Edelstein]

I guess she might have made this.

[Steve]

About her, I think. Yeah. I mean, the history shows with this lady. It was all about her for sure. Like, don't you just love an anecdote? I mean, like, that is the crazy to say after you've just been rambling for 35 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was kind of awesome, actually. I was like, maybe I'll steal that line.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, no, it's pretty good. And we're going to go to the lyrics of Shallow written by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Tell me something, girl. Are you happy in this modern world or do you need more? Is there something else you're searching for? I'm fallen in all the good times I find myself longing for change and in the bad times I feel here myself.

[Lars]

Wow.

[Eric Edelstein]

Wow. It was kind of a perfect song she threw down and a perfect graduation number for you.

[Steve]

Of course she left the lyrics because that wouldn't be like an indictment on her.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, no. You handled this perfectly. You got away clean. And what I love is I saw some people in the comments say I like the idea of. Of getting out of situations by saying I'm graduating. So for all of us, let's take that into.

[Steve]

Into our life.

[Eric Edelstein]

You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating all the time.

[Steve]

I'm gonna say that all the time. Like, you know what? I have to pay my mortgage and say like, you know what? I graduated from paying my mortgage deal with the bank.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah. I got that from a very earnest musician who looked at me once, said, you know, I've graduated from marijuana.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah. So now we get to take that wisdom and power through our all of our lives.

[Steve]

I'm a 10 year senior senior intern as a gradual.

[Eric Edelstein]

10 year.

[Steve]

Yeah, I can't seem to pass pottery class, man.

[Eric Edelstein]

I'm doing gym again.

[Steve]

Shop is hard.

[Eric Edelstein]

Dude, that damn band saw Kelsey. We're proud of you friend. You did great. Great.

[Steve]

Really. This makes me so happy. It's never easy to do to confront anyone. Even when you're. You're soft shoeing and you know, and dancing around all politely like you were. It's always difficult. So bravo to you for the bravery and look, it worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was great. The one kind of weird. Well, I guess there was a couple weird things. But the most weird thing to me is as I was walking out, she called after me, you are not a failure. Which is nice, but. Yeah, I never thought that I was.

[Eric Edelstein]

Yeah, exactly.

[Steve]

Like now you're putting like putting ideas in my brain.

[Lars]

Like.

[Steve]

Yeah, that's kind of passive aggressive in my opinion.

[Eric Edelstein]

That's how certain. I'm just going to say narcissists will kind of try to keep people enmeshed. You just confirms our decision that we are going to dance away with light and love and grace.

[Steve]

Absolutely.

[Eric Edelstein]

And then what else did she do that was weird?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just the kind of chanting. She was kind of dancing around with her shoes off as she was. She doesn't like to wear shoes. Shoes.

[Steve]

I mean, I can guess that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. But when she does wear shoes, they're like six inch heels. Which is like kind of funny for the therapy profession, I feel.

[Eric Edelstein]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Style.

[Eric Edelstein]

She has her own style. She's working through her own stuff very slowly.

[Steve]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

I would have loved it if she would have pulled out the Streisand Kris Kristofferson star is born. Yeah. That would have made re evaluate the whole thing. Like Kelsey, maybe you shouldn't leave.

[Steve]

Yeah. And maybe you want to give me your phone number because I'll be in Chicago later this spring and I might want to.

[Eric Edelstein]

I might want to.

[Steve]

I. I got some problems. I got some issues.

[Eric Edelstein]

I could dance it off, Steven. I want to be triple threats. We thought this whole dancing thing deeply unturned.

[Steve]

I will be honest. I'm so curious about this. Like if I found a dancing instructor, a dance therapy instructor in Omaha, I would consider doing it just for the life experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was good. Like all in all, I think it was a great experience and was like good to kind of learn more about myself and how to handle thing. Just maybe she wasn't the right one in the end.

[Steve]

You got what? Look, you know, and it sounds like, you know, from our last conversation, like you got a little bit out of it. Right. So it's. It's not. It was not totally a waste. Like you actually got some stuff out of it. So I think you got it at the right time. This is such a great ending, I think. And man. And also, like, now you know you're capable of doing something like this, which is not easy. It doesn't matter who you are. This is not easy stuff. And this is a. This is a good, great thing. It's a great thing, Kelsey, we're very happy for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. I'm feeling good. You guys. Your advice was really awesome.

[Steve]

Hell, yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

Because we're nervous because we, you know, we want to have fun and yuck it up. But we also want to give genuinely good advice. And a lot of this. Steve and I have. Have dipped a toe in the people pleasing pool. Sure. And have gotten through it.

[Steve]

And.

[Eric Edelstein]

And we'd love to have that spread. And we're so thrilled that this all ended up well for you, Kelsey. And we're forever indebted to you for being our first caller.

[Steve]

You'll always be the first one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm always honored.

[Eric Edelstein]

No, we're honored, Truly.

[Steve]

Yeah. You can't.

[Eric Edelstein]

We all feel good. All right, well, Kelsey, you're stuck with us now. You're friends. We hope we get to meet you in real life. And we're just so glad that our advice was decent. But even more, you just passed a major life test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

You graduated. And you get to take these boundaries in the rest of your life. And next time you're confronted with something like this, and the next time you're confronted with something like this, you already have those boundaries. You're not even gonna need the 35 minute trauma dump. You're just gonna roll on through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the confrontation queen now.

[Steve]

Look at that.

[Eric Edelstein]

Who knew?

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Eric Edelstein]

We're here to help. And we did somehow. Yeah.

[Steve]

Kelsey.

[Natalie]

Yes.

[Steve]

Congratulations, friend. You have a great one. Thanks for coming calling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Thanks so much, guys. Bye.

[Eric Edelstein]

Oh, we love you. Thank you.

[Hannah]

Hi, this is Hannah again. I feel like I killed hot takes by saying that some people didn't understand hot takes. And what I really meant was the comments were really mean on the first hot take. And I'm hoping to bring hot takes back. And so here's my real hot take. I think preppers are going to be the first to go in an apocalypse. And I have justification for this. A, I think that the best way to survive any situation is to have a community. And what I have noticed is that preppers are maybe not as inclined for community. And so that's evidence point number A. Point B is I once had a plumber out to give me a quote for some work on my house and, like, through my yard. Because that's where the sewer pipe runs unfortunately. And I was a beekeeper at the time and I had been in to see the girls earlier that day day. So they were a little agit agitated and he had just told me that he was a prepper and he was thinking about getting bees and he currently has rabbits and I like told him what he should do. We go down near my lovely pipe because it's on a hill and one of the bees started coming towards him and he started flailing like he was going to lose his mind mind and the bee then stung me for some God awful reason but he could not handle a bee and that just proves to me he's not going to be able to handle an apocalypse. And then after that he proceeded to tell me about how his meat rabbits bit him on the nipple and I had no, no reason why he was telling me about being shirtless with his rabbit. So yeah, that's my hot take. I think preppers are going to be the first to go. And if you're gonna prep, build your community.

[Advertisement Voice]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] here to help podcast pod to see our entire catalog.

[Steve]

We're Here to Help is produced by.

[Natalie]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Eric Edelstein]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[Natalie]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is from for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Ellen]

All video episodes of season one are.

[Hannah]

Available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Ellen]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod what's going on?

[Lamorne Morris]

It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum.

[Eric Edelstein]

Now here's the thing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[Eric Edelstein]

That's not true.

[Steve]

We talk about so many memories we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia, Rodrigo.

[Lamorne Morris]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Waynes Jr. And your dad. We talked to your dad on this show as well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make sure you subscribe to the Mess around wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ellen]

New episodes drop every single Tuesday.