237: Toilet Paper Usage & Dolla Dolla Coins

Summary

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We're Here to Help — Episode 237: Toilet Paper Usage & Dolla Dolla Coins

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: December 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

A mix of lighthearted problem-solving, goofy riffs, and earnest attempts to help, this episode of We're Here to Help brings listeners two memorable calls. The first, a now-infamous “toilet paper situation” from grad student Ally, leads Jake and Gareth down a rabbit hole about roommate hygiene and household confrontation tactics. The second challenge is from Kyle, whose quirky, coin-hoarding father-in-law is wreaking havoc at retail counters. Both stories are handled with the show’s signature blend of humor, empathy, and escalating bits.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

Helpies Voting and Calendar Antics

[02:05–07:26]

• Show "business": Listeners are urged to vote in the podcast’s “helpies” awards and, notably, to snag one of the limited-edition Steve Berg calendars, which quickly sell out.

• Running Steve Berg bit: Jake and Gareth recount their long-running pranks on friend Steve Berg (who, hilariously, ends up the unwitting star of a thirst-inducing calendar). The comedians riff on audience reactions—especially women—in Omaha, where Berg’s unexpected sex appeal becomes a running joke.

  “This guy, the ladies love this guy.”
  — Jake Johnson [05:32]

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Call 1: The Great Toilet Paper Mystery

[13:36–43:58 and Follow-up at 73:03–78:51]

Caller: Ally, 24, first-year grad student from New England.

Problem:

Ally’s roommate, “Peyton,” is blasting through 12 family-sized toilet paper rolls in just two weeks. Ally rarely uses the bathroom at home herself, so the numbers don’t make sense—and she’s frustrated at both the cost and the weirdness.

Key Questions Raised

• How do you address a roommate overusing shared supplies?
• Is it possible to tactfully discover why someone is decimating toilet paper rolls?
• Should Ally confront the issue directly or sidestep it?

Host Analysis & Advice

• Comedic investigation: Jake and Gareth play out hypotheses (e.g., is Peyton “using the TP for something other than the ass”? [15:34], is she simply “way overdoing it on the wiping”?)

• Ten-minute riff: A classic “family style”/Italian dinner bit about toilet tissue [17:08–17:43].

• Practical suggestions:

  • The Wet Wipes Gambit: Jake suggests Ally feign “butthole issues” to start using wet wipes, with the hope Peyton will admit her own over-wiping habits [20:26-21:21].
  • Going undercover: Gareth proposes Ally keep a private stash of toilet paper and let Peyton figure out the financial loss herself [25:10–25:29].
  • Fake plumber/landlord warning: The standout solution—call or text Peyton as if the building manager warned them about pipe clogs due to excessive toilet paper [26:12–37:30].
  • Script labs: Together, they craft a message for Peyton, workshopping wording and tone ad nauseam—occasionally veering off to joke about “toilet paper usage” as a phrase [41:59–43:32].

  “We’re just gonna be entering an embarrassing phone call, but let’s lean in.”
  — Jake Johnson [20:06]

  “We need to start being careful with the toilet paper usage because we’re having pipe problems.”
  — Jake Johnson dictating the eventual text [37:30]

Memorable Moment

• Host-Caller Meditation Bit: Jake and Gareth urge Ally to deliver a calming, guided mediation for “the world’s most excessive wiper” [35:39–36:17], leading to:

  “Roll the paper all the way down to the floor and rip off 20 squares. Slowly roll them into a ball and reach really far. And wipe. Wipe and wipe. And throw it in the toilet.”—Ally [35:50/79:27]

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Call 1 Follow-Up: Did It Work?

[73:04–78:51]

• Ally reports success: After sending the “building manager” text, Peyton didn’t acknowledge it verbally but instantly, the excessive usage stopped. The subject hasn’t been raised since, but peace (and reasonable TP usage) were restored.

  “I’ve never had to think about toilet paper since then.”
  — Ally [75:01]

  “Sometimes we’re gonna shame you. Sometimes you’re going to get humiliated. Is that nice? No. But also you’re using too much toilet paper on your butt.”
  — Jake Johnson [75:28]

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Call 2: Dolla Dolla Coins

[49:08–72:56]

Caller: Kyle, 25, Knoxville, TN.

Problem:

Kyle’s father-in-law Jonathan, a fit late-50s house painter with “a real spunk about him,” insists on paying for everything with $1 gold coins. This “eccentricity” repeatedly jams up retail lines and causes embarrassment—especially for Kyle’s wife, who works with her dad and is periodically mortified.

Key Discussion Points

• Jonathan exchanges bills for coins at the bank, keeps them in his car cup holder, and relishes the spectacle as cashiers scramble to verify if they're genuine currency.

• Jake and Gareth compare Jonathan’s habit (affectionate but bluntly) to Gareth’s own, less disruptive love of $2 bills—a riff that morphs into bits about “co-currency families” and odd old-man tics [50:57–51:47, 58:01–59:50].

• The heart of the issue is not legality but embarrassment, lost time, and attention-seeking.

  “It’s amazing to live your life like you just hit big on a slot machine.”
  — Gareth Reynolds [58:01]

Advice & Solutions

• Quirk-to-quirk counterattack: Get Jonathan hooked on $2 bills instead of coins—still quirky, but less hassle [60:29–60:34].
• The “Card Intercept” Approach: Kyle or his wife intercept the coin payment at the register by using a debit card instead, to speed things up and gently send a message [69:16–69:48].
• Escalation via humor and social pressure: Consider a staged retail refusal or “intervention,” or have Kyle also adopt a payment quirk (e.g., always using $2 bills) until the mutual absurdity is clear.
• Emphasize their relationship: If needs must, the daughter could leverage her embarrassment—making it clear she'll skip their cherished morning routines together unless he drops the weird habit [66:03–66:22].

Memorable Quotes

“Nobody does this because it’s convenient. He’s doing it because he thinks it’s kind of cool.”
— Gareth Reynolds [61:33]

“All you want deep down is for [your kids] to want to hang with you. So there’s a way we could get something in there… Gold coins or me, Pop.”
— Jake Johnson [66:03]

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Running Jokes & Notable Bits

• The “family style” toilet paper routine: Jake and Gareth imagine communal Italian-style bathroom habits [17:08–17:43].
• Hosts derailing each other: Multiple moments of meta-commentary as Jake and Gareth scold each other for interruptions, losing attention, and “bullying” [34:43–37:07, 67:09–67:41].
• Coin quirks: Gareth’s love for $2 bills becomes as much a subject of ridicule as Jonathan’s $1 coins, culminating in a “co-currency family” scenario [71:07–71:36].
• “Eat the coleslaw”: A bizarre, in-episode catchphrase encouraging caller Ally to “just do it”—used throughout the segment for comedic effect [38:11–43:02].

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On excess and embarrassment:

  “Some embarrassing thing about humanity is we all wipe our butts.”
  — Jake Johnson [76:28]

• On solving the problem:

  “It fixed it. Fixed it. Fixed it.”
  — Jake Johnson [75:05]

• On the golden coin routine:

  “He’s quite strange, but I love him... The cashier’s looking at him like, ‘What is this?’”
  — Kyle [52:31, 52:35]

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Timestamps for Main Segments

| Segment | Start Time | Key Highlights | |:------------------------------------------|:-----------|:------------------------------------------------| | Calendar and Helpies business | 02:05 | Steve Berg pranks, audience excitement | | Toilet Paper Call: Problem Introduction | 13:36 | Ally lays out the roommate’s TP overuse | | Toilet Paper: Brainstorming & Advice | 15:22–43:58| Riffing, advice, comedic meditation | | Toilet Paper: Text Composition | 36:28–43:32| Hosts and Ally workshop faux landlord text | | Toilet Paper: Follow-up and Resolution | 73:03 | Ally reports instant change, hosts riff on shame| | Gold Coin Call: Introduction & Riffing | 49:08 | Kyle’s eccentric father-in-law, $2 bill bit | | Gold Coin Call: Advice & Solutions | 58:01–72:56| Payment interventions, empathy, escalation |

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• Sometimes, indirect confrontation works best: Ally’s fake landlord text avoided drama and quickly solved her roommate issue.
• Quirk escalation needs targeted de-escalation: For Kyle, breaking a parent’s habit (however sweet or weird) may take teamwork, strategy, and a bit of loving humor.
• Shame, laughter, and negotiation: Jake and Gareth’s approach threads these together, making the silly serious and the serious silly.

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Useful Quotes for Posters or Merch:

• “Eat the coleslaw” — a recurring bit encouraging decisive action [38:11–43:02]
• “Toilet paper usage. Thumbs up emoji.” — the legendary double-usage text [41:59–43:32]

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For more advice, pranks, and occasional guidance, you can email the show at [e-mail].

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

Quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Morgan]

Hey, we're Heredos. The Steve Berg 2026 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.heretohelpod.com to order.

[Ally]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Zoe. This thing weighs a ton. Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Santa.

[Ally]

Santa, did you get my ledger?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not.

[Ally]

Of course he did. Right, Santa?

[Jake Johnson]

You know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. An elf?

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Ally]

I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Ally]

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[Jake Johnson]

Or give it as a gift.

[Ally]

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[Kyle]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My side of the tree is slipping.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

The holidays are better.

[Jake Johnson]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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And we are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jake. I mean, well, let's just get the business out of the way. It's time to vote for the helpies.

[Jake Johnson]

We need to pick.comhelpies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Make all your selections. It's gonna go fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. And yeah. And. And we.

[Jake Johnson]

We don't. And if whoever wins, wins. So that's what we did with the calendar too. Who whatever photo got the most votes. That's what's in. There's no discussion after that. So if you want to be part of the show, we need to pick.com helpies. There's going to be a bunch of categories. Natalie's going to figure it all out. Do your voting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But speaking of the calendar, we may as well just get into it. I. I was in Omaha just now doing standup. Steve Berg's neck of the woods. I already talked about how during the show a woman was crestfallen to find out that Steve wasn't at the show.

Are. So there's, you know, there's like a green room waitress who comes in. She said the first night she was a big fan of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let me just say this really fast for anybody new to the show. Steve Berg is in all of our chats. He's on our Rocket Money episodes, which is our best advice. And he is the co host of Weird here to helps because there are people who have written in saying they just start and they go. You're talking about people we don't know well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we should also point out the show if you're looking for a full update. We also, as a. Jake and I have been playing pranks on Steve for a long time. One of those pranks was that we.

[Kyle]

He.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That he lost. He bet on a football game. That had already happened. He needed to do a calendar shoot. Yeah, that's what it sort of turned into. We've got the calendar. We've seen the calendar. And there is an appetite for the calendar.

[Jake Johnson]

Which is shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is shocking. Which you and I actually even got into a couple nights ago.

[Jake Johnson]

I know we did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, again, we. We don't want to argue on the show, but you and I, you've really come around. What's happened with the calendar is that.

Look Steve is. Has become sexy.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth. Here's the difference. Since we've known Steve, Steve has always bragged that the ladies like him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's, it's even Jake. It's not even just that. It's that. It's what I sent you the other night. I sent you a video where Jake. Where Steve was on a project and he says stuff like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, there was this. The girl who was doing my makeup. She was obsessed with me. And Jake and I would go, what did she do? And he'd go, she was, she was putting makeup on.

[Jake Johnson]

She doing her job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve. No, Jake, stop. She was, she kept. They were. Every day they were like, we might need to put a little stuff in your hair.

[Jake Johnson]

And they did because you're balding?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, because she wanted to touch the follicles, bro. You wouldn't get it, okay? And she'd be putting makeup on every in between every scene. She'd have to do touch ups on me only.

And we'd be like, you were sweating. And he'd go, I was barely sweating. So it's like that.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's the difference. Here's what's happened now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So I had one of those the other night with Steve.

[Jake Johnson]

I know you sent me the video. We can't post it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I know, we won't.

[Jake Johnson]

It's perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same thing.

[Jake Johnson]

He's drunk. He's. He's hammered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'll tell you why in a second, but go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

But what I've learned with the calendar is you and I were wrong. He was right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just having trouble.

[Jake Johnson]

This guy, the ladies love this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a hot. It's a hot calendar.

[Jake Johnson]

So what happened in Omaha? And then I got a little Catalina stuff. And then we'll start this goddamn show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our green room waitress, Anna, when she found out Steve was there that night, she was vely excited to see Steve.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

After the show, you know, I sell merch.

I would say 35% of the people either recognized Steve or when they found out it was Steve, lost their minds. But the best one was a woman was talking to me about how much she loved the show. There was. She was like, it was kind of a. A wild story she was telling me. And she goes, and I just love Steve Berg. And I go, that's him. And she goes, oh, my God. And she got shaky. And Steve is just standing there. Steve's just standing there going like, hey, what's going on, Fifter? And everyone's like, oh, my Lord. But then the green room, you know, you get to order however much you want. You just tip, tip them. And at one point, Steve was crushing Modelos at such a rate that I said, do you just want a bucket of Modelos? And he goes, they do that. And I go, yeah. And the waitress is like, I'll bring you a bucket. So, like it was chum for a dolphin. She just comes in with this enormous bucket of opened Modelos. And he just looks at me and goes, they're open. I'm on the clock.

But people were very excited about the calendar. If I was selling the calendar, I would guess I would have sold 50 to 60.

[Jake Johnson]

Ladies and gentlemen, the calendar is for sale. So if you're interested, get them now. We're only doing 500 of them gonna make them a little collector collectible item and everybody enjoy the goddamn show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There it is.

[Morgan]

Morgan here. We sold out of the 500 calendars within hours and we received your emails and DMS asking for more. So we are rushing the order and making it happen. This will be our last bunch and we can't guarantee that they'll be to everyone by Christmas and the holidays but we are trying our hardest. I am doing all of this out of my home and I never thought that this is what my job would entail. But the people need Berg and we got to give the people berg so you can pre order them now on hereto helppod.com and I will update everyone with shipping information as soon as possible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a Fabletics jacket which I love. I wear my jacket all the time. I wear it on the road. I've worn it on stage before. As far as when it comes to Fabletics and other brands, it feels and fits different. I didn't realize how much I would wear this until I actually got it. One of those things. The second I opened the package I was like, oh sweet lord. Fabletics already has amazing deals but right now they're running their biggest sale of the year. On top of that, I've got an exclusive code for you. All you who's listening, 80 off of everything. When you sign up as a VIP, head to Fabletics.com here to help. And sign up as a VIP to get 80% off everything. This is only available through our link so go to fabletics.com/here to help. To sign up as a VIP and get 80 off. That's fabletics.com here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Hi.

[Ally]

How's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Where are you from?

[Ally]

I'm from the New England area.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I thought you were gonna. Yeah, I thought it was from another country.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounded European.

[Jake Johnson]

New England area.

[Ally]

Very excited. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I gotta say, I bet we're more excited.

[Ally]

Oh, God.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your name?

[Ally]

I'm Allie.

[Jake Johnson]

Ally. How old are you, Allie?

[Ally]

24.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

What.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on? What can we help you with?

[Ally]

So this is my first year of graduate school. I just started in August, and I live with one roommate who we can call Peyton. And we already knew each other from work before school, so when we both got into the same grad program, we decided to live together. And it's been good. But in the past few months, a toilet paper situation has developed and it's slowly escalating. So pretty much every morning when I go to use the bathroom, the toilet paper rolls empty and I have to replace it. But my main concern isn't that it's an empty roll, which is rude, but the fact that this week I had to replace the roll so many times. Just to get an idea of how much toilet paper we go through, Peyton bought a pack of 12 family size rolls, and in the span of two weeks, they were all gone, which Means that we went through 12 rolls in 14 days between two people. But I'm out of the apartment from 9am to 10:30pm every day for school. So I'm just. I'm shocked every morning when I see it all gone. So my question is, how do I get my roommate to reduce how much toilet paper she uses or get her to pay for her share?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shit. What?

[Jake Johnson]

That is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My mind is bending. With nearly a roll a day.

To yourself.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And I just walk in shocked.

[Jake Johnson]

Allie, what is Peyton doing with all the toilet paper? That's not for the ass?

[Ally]

I have no idea. Because we have kisses in the bathroom. There's no. There's nothing in the trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You check the trash?

[Ally]

I've checked the trash. I don't know where it goes.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow, this is wild. I would say let's set up a camera. But Gareth was arrested for this in the early 2000s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you can suggest it. I just can't comment on uk.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth won't be able to be part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will have to get off. So you can pick if you want to go that route. God bless, Good luck. But I cannot.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what we can do, though. In the early 2000s, there was a guy I knew who used to put cameras in bath. You know what? Never mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, go ahead, go ahead. It's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Because he said he was investigating toilet paper use.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, never mind. And he probably was.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, never mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know. Yeah, okay. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Okay. All right, all right. Anyway, Elliot.

It'S. It's gonna take us probably a second to wrap our heads around.

[Jake Johnson]

Because something's happening and this is where Gareth is going. And he's right. This isn't. She's just a little loose with toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, something's wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a mystery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, she might.

[Jake Johnson]

She might. A dirty mystery. She might be using it in other aspects of her life. You can't have that dirty of an ass that you need an entire roll of family style toilet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Family size, not style. That's how Maggiano serves dinner.

I don't want to do family style toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

I've been watching a lot of John Cassavetes again. That's the truth. So all I think about is a bunch of people eating Italian pasta at a table.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey. I'm gonna wipe my ass. Let's do family style.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody gets a w. Par.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Putting Parmesan on it. That's nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I just finished. You guys want to help me with his family? Stu, forget about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I'll Wipe it for you.

[Jake Johnson]

Say when you wipe my. I wipe yours.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Wife married into this crazy family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The old woman grabs the butt cheeks. It's good to see you.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, this is a dirty butt.

So, Ally.

We need a little bit of help from you before we start. And if the answer is I don't know, then we're going to keep going. But.

Do you have any guesses?

[Ally]

I don't, I don't. I really don't know where it goes. And, but the toilet paper's always been, like, the first thing I noticed in the bathroom because it's either empty or the paper's all the way down to the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The paper's all the way down to the floor.

[Ally]

It's touching the floor. Like she's sloppy grabbing a piece and it just goes and hangs down to the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Weird. Like a lot of it or just like, enough to touch the ground or.

[Ally]

Like a cat, enough to touch the ground.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, what is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is so, this is hard.

[Jake Johnson]

Because my instinct, I want to set up a hidden camera. We cannot know.

A confrontation.

It's obviously. You could have done that already. You could have said, like, hey, do you use a lot of toilet paper?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's weird. Well, what?

[Ally]

Yeah, and we all, we only see each other in short bursts of time, so I feel like the one interaction with her I have, I can't make it about how much toilet paper she uses.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Her whole day sounds like short bursts while you're gone.

[Jake Johnson]

But I don't think this is a situation where she's taken 12 dumps. I don't think this toilet paper is just getting used on what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, I'm not expecting you to answer. But if, if she's checked the trash, there's none in the trash. What would be. I think she. You know what this reminds me of the, the guy who didn't wipe his ass. Like, the woman who had. The guy who did. Like, some people maybe just don't like. She might just be way overdoing it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, it could be crazy. Allie.

Not crazy, actually, just weird for you. What if you say.

And look, this is going to be embarrassing for you. This whole call is embarrassing for you. I gotta tell you right now.

There'S. All of this is. We're just gonna be entering an embarrassing phone call, but let's lean in. Okay. Okay, here's my pitch. I don't even like saying it because it embarrasses it for me and for you. And I also, Gareth likes it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Legally, I can't Comment on whether or not it. Go ahead.

Ally.

[Jake Johnson]

You say, hey, Peyton, FYI, I gotta start using these wet wipes. So I'm just going to be having those because I'm having a problem with my butthole. I've got. Toilet paper is not working. And she'll go out and go, and here's what I'm trying to get at. And I know it's embarrassing, Ellie, for her to connect and relate. You go, I just can't keep that thing clean. She goes, what do you mean? And I go, I wipe my wipe and I wipe and I wipe.

It's as if there's a layer. I wipe a layer off, and then the new layer appears and you go, so I'm trying these wet wipes. So do me a favor. You do the toilet paper, I'll do the wipes. I'm going to be bringing them up. But just so you know, I'm not using any of the toilet paper. It's all you. And here's what we're hoping happens. She goes, it's crazy. You say that. I basically go through a whole roll and I'm still dirty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're trying to get the confession.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you guys, as a team go, maybe we have the wrong type of toilet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think here's my only issue.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you go, wait, maybe we go on Amazon and get that 200 bidet and we shoot it up our butts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the bidet pitch that's always there. I. I think the problem is I don't think Peyton knows she has a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

I know that's why we're turning it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I don't. But I. But I don't think. I don't. Watch your mouth. I.

Is going to go.

Just spicy little man. I don't think that Peyton is going to go, oh, I use way too much toilet paper. I think she's going to go, oh, sucks. You got an ass problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Let me go through an entire roll of toilet paper on a Tuesday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, she's insane. Yes, she's insane. Jake, That's. There's none of the trash. She's probably just overdoing it. Let me ask you this. Ali is your issue. As much as I hear you have that conversation. Is your issue that you're spending too much on toilet paper? Or is your issue that this is crazy?

Or both?

[Ally]

Yeah, I. I think both. It really mostly feels crazy. It's also not the first time I've had a roommate that has used so much toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What this is.

[Ally]

But I Feel like it's following me in my life.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you might be wiping your ass too much.

You wake up in the middle of the night, wipe your butt for 10 minutes and go back to bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just eating it in the middle of the night. For some reason, you're dreaming.

[Jake Johnson]

And in your dream, you're like, here I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, in beautiful New England. You're touching a waterfall and you're like.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's so dirty, though. Let me just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just gonna put it under this cascading waterfall and clean it.

You wake up, I wish there was.

[Jake Johnson]

Footage of you just taking toilet paper out while you're sleeping. Throwing it. Right. Or burning it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Throwing it out the window. And every morning, yeah, getting up, going, what the fuck is with her?

[Jake Johnson]

Or we get a call in a couple weeks from a neighbor, go. I don't know what to do. My neighbor wakes up in the middle night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Neighbor who? So I got this tenant who keeps throwing toilet paper out the window, but she's a family friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Kid who TP's a tree outside of our apartment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My apartment building keeps getting TP'd. Yeah, I'm in New England. I don't want to be specific.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

So where. Where are you at, Ali? You talk a little bit here, kid.

[Ally]

Well, for my last roommate, I knew that she was using it because she put it on the counter underneath all the things that she had. So she had a toothbrush. She'd put toilet paper on the counter and put a toothbrush on top, which is a choice, but I don't think that's what's happening because it's not in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The trash right now also. Yeah, no, go ahead.

[Ally]

So we had the 12 rolls of toilet paper, and then we got to the last roll, and I was the one to replace it. I felt like I had an obligation to communicate that it was all gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Ally]

But then she used 12 rolls. I felt like I shouldn't buy it. So then I had to bring it up to her and say, oh, I just put on the last roll of toilet paper, which, you know, in theory should last a few days, but just so you know, we're out. And she bought more, but it didn't feel like it was, because I feel like if I had a problem and I knew I used so much toilet paper, I would be hyper vigilant about it and, like, buy it all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She doesn't know she has a problem. I got two pitches I'm gonna pitch.

You have a private stash of toilet paper.

[Ally]

I Have a private stash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do?

[Ally]

I do. Because I already figured out it was a problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're walking in there with your own roll, and when you're done, you're taking it back to the bedroom.

[Ally]

It's a backup right now, but I'll hear what your pitch is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you fully cut her off. So you are no longer going to talk about toilet paper or pay for toilet paper with her. You're going to buy yourself a family size. You're going to stash it all around your room. When you need to go to the bathroom, you're going to take your own roll in there since you guys aren't seeing each other a lot. And then when you're done, you're going to take it out and. And now she's just going to. Or you just have it in there for when you run out. And you're never going to say to her, hey, we're out of toilet paper. You're going to let her figure all that out? So it's her problem, so she has to buy it. That will maybe get you through what I would say is the bigger pitch, which is you fake a plumber call. When she was gone.

Sewage shot out of the bathtub. It overflowed out of the toilet. You've had a nightmare day and a plot. You had to call a plumber or the building had to call a plumber. A plumber came over and a plumber was like, there's so much toilet paper getting used in the toilet.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, hold on. I think we could do that. I like, but I think we could do that in a different way. We could pretend to write a letter from the owner of the building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love it.

[Jake Johnson]

That there is a block coming from your unit because of the toilet paper usage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do we know who the building manager is? Ali?

[Ally]

Yes, we do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does she know who does she know?

[Ally]

Yeah, she does.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, still, I think it could work. Yeah, I think that could work.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna give you another slightly weird pitch.

And I could see how you're both gonna make fun of me on this, but I actually think that there's a way it could work. This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This happens with your stuff sometimes, though.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think there's a world you could say to her via text. I know this is crazy, so please don't make fun of me because I'm probably wrong.

But I think somebody might be breaking into our apartment and using toilet paper. The reason that I say that is we're going through a roll a day, and I know it's not you and me, but I've been noticing. We'll put a full roll up. I'll take my dump. LOL. Or however you. You know, I'll take my squeegee 24 year old wants to say.

And you know I use a healthy amount. I'm sure you go to the bathroom a couple times and use a healthy amount, which would mean we should have.

14, 16 left of the roll.

[Morgan]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

The whole roll's gone. At the end of the day, I think potentially workers from the building when we're not here are using our bathroom because I think 15 grown men took dumps in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it gets closer to earth for me if you maybe say you think like the building manager must be coming in there and taking the toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

And taking the toilet paper and you go, I know this is insane, but I'm won if you've.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no other rational excuse unless you're taking handfuls.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you. But you don't make it about her at all. You say we're in this problem together. I'm getting a little paranoid. I honestly think the Tony the building measure might be coming in and stealing our toilet paper. And I know that's so weird and I know I'm probably wrong, but I gotta hear your opinion, girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That I think that can. The reason why he's pitching it. And again, it is crazy to send that, but the reason was because it's. You guys are on the same team trying to figure out maybe it elicits her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, she's gonna go, oh my God. Scary. I don't think so. Then later tonight after she takes a dump and goes like.

She'Ll go, whoa, that's my third full Price is right wheel spin. Yeah.

I'm not trying to get all the way around.

She's not at Wheel of Fortune. You don't have to go all the way around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No need to showboat. Just go around once.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, go ahead and spin the toilet paper roll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think. I think that I Listen, it brings it up in a way. Look, there's some options there, Ali. Any of those leading you in a direction of something you think can work. I mean, you're either going to have to live a private toilet life or you're going to need to invent a thing to bring it up to her.

[Ally]

I honestly think a letter from the building manager wouldn't be the worst thing because we don't talk to him that much. And in our lease agreement it talks about how the pipes they can't take that much?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ally]

That actually might be a good end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Do we want to do a text? An email? Do we want to do that now, Jake. And have her forward it.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's interesting. So that she would just pull it up and start.

[Kyle]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

We'd write it as a team.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And just say, hey, I got this from the building manager today. Any idea? You know, something like that?

[Jake Johnson]

Ally, what do you think? Do you want to make it look like an email? Do you want to make it look like a text? Do you want to. What's your gut feeling? How are you going to do this? Do you want to say he called you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that could work.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's a. Here's what I would do. That's really easy. I would say I would text Peyton. Hey, I just got called from the property management. Did you.

It was really weird. They're saying that our unit is using way too much toilet paper and we're clogging the pipes. And I. I told them I don't think it's us, but let's both really. I. I guess watch our toilet paper usage. Lol. This building. Who knows?

[Ally]

Yeah, I think that could work.

[Jake Johnson]

I do too. Do you want to do it as a text message?

[Ally]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do it now. What do you say? Let's just eat the coleslaw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are bitching merch now. And it's starting to work. Eat the coleslaw.

[Ally]

I use the phrase every day.

[Jake Johnson]

Why talk about the bandaid? Let's just eat the coleslaw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coleslaw. I mean, really, it's. It's time to. Or get off the pot and wipe.

[Jake Johnson]

For a week and a half.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat the coleslaw.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so you ready to text her?

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You doing this?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, Ally, just talk out loud what you're typing, but before you send it, let these two weird guys pitch on it.

[Ally]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, guys. I mean, Jesse and Gareth. Thank you, Natalie. Are gonna do our thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The normies. It has me. It makes me laugh so hard when you do the like girl. Lol.

Okay. This would be my first pitch. Would be. Hey, just had a call with the building manager. He. I said I'd talk to him so you don't have to, but apparently because the building's pipes are so old, they've noticed an issue coming from our unit. He said we're overusing. Tp. Question mark.

I know it sounds weird, but I know I don't use a lot. Are you using a lot?

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on. Gareth. She was gonna do it oh, sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought you wanted us to do it.

[Ally]

No, I appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. Gareth. She was gonna do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I, I take a second, you're talking. I look down, all of a sudden I'm like, yeah. Oh, he's still talking. This was her moment to talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, I thought that's what you wanted.

[Ally]

Okay, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm really glad Natalie's not here.

[Ally]

I just got a call from our building manager.

And he said, I don't know exactly the phrasing for the pipes, but I saw some building manager, and he said that they're noticing problems with the sewage pipes.

And that it might be coming from our apartment, so he said that we should.

I'll take pictures, please.

Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she'll take pictures, please.

She's ready for a bitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Then pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't want. I'm nervous pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

I just wanted her to go first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Lee, give me the lead up again. Allie.

[Jake Johnson]

So you weren't paying attention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was. I just want to make sure it words smoothly.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you weren't paying attention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, yeah, go. I was paying attention.

[Jake Johnson]

You weren't paying attention. What did she say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just had a really weird call from the building manager. The sewage pipes, they're clogging, so.

And this is where we are jumping.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say, Ellie, your voice sometimes.

Gets a little bit slow, and it does lull me into a state of relaxation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, in a good way.

[Ally]

That's good. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

If you wanted to look and mind you. Is it because I'm also very tired? Yeah, but if you ever created a meditation kind of app.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, sleep wiping.

If you created your own sleep.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you say just one more wipe over and over and just walk us through a very slow wiping sectionale. Could you just take 30 seconds and do that?

[Ally]

What do you want me to say?

[Jake Johnson]

You're just talking about Peyton slowly wiping her butt and using the entire roll. Go ahead. In three, two, one. Take over.

[Ally]

All right, and now roll the paper all the way down to the floor and rip off 20 squares. Slowly roll them into a ball and reach really far and wipe. Wipe and wipe. And throw it in the toilet. Roll the toilet paper to the floor, snip off 20 squares, throw it into a ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so 20 squares is great. So good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Garrett, 20 squares.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's get this text going, send it out, and let's solve this problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

I said, I don't think it's us. And he said, there's just a lot of toilet paper. The plumber told him there's a lot of toilet paper clogged in the pipe right below us.

Do you have any idea?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we have to watch how much toilet paper we use going forward.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

How about this? Allie, will you read the setup again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wasn't paying attention.

[Ally]

Hey, I just got a call from our building manager and he said that he's noticing a problem with clogging in the sewage pipes. I don't think it's us, but he said, see, I don't know, I guess maybe a plumber would know that there's toilet paper. But I also wonder if I just keep it vague enough that there's a clog and that he said we should watch how much toilet paper we're using.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to simplify this. How about this? Allie just got a call from the property manager. He said we need to start being careful with the toilet paper usage because we're having pipe problems.

[Ally]

That sounds so good.

[Jake Johnson]

So easy. Nothing. And then I. And then I said we would use as little as we can.

He said, thanks. So it's a non issue, but let's just think about it going forward. Have a great day at school. Ally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a non issue there from now on.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's a non issue.

Just do less.

All right, Ally, so type it up and then let us know. Read it back to us and then we're going to hit send when we're happy. Yeah, because it's time to eat the coleslaw.

You leave it out too much, you're going to get sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can leave it up for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

That'll be. You actually can't. Not with coleslaw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's going to stay out for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going. Alec.

[Ally]

Finish typing.

[Jake Johnson]

You leave it out till it ferments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, not ferments. I'm not trying to get into a probiotic. But I'm saying you can. It's amazing what your body can take.

[Jake Johnson]

That's bad merch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allie, you ready?

[Ally]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Okay.

[Ally]

Hey, I just got a call from our building manager and he said that we have to be careful with our toilet paper usage because they're having trouble with the sewage pipes. I told him that we could do that. I hope everything's going well today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Transitioning. Transitioning to a greeting card is awesome. I really love you so much. You're my best freaking friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe rather than. I said, I told him we would keep an eye on our toilet paper usage.

[Ally]

Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe. Do we even want to add, like plus maybe saves us some money. Question mark. No, that's not bad.

[Jake Johnson]

It's insane. That's insane. We're for sure not doing that crazy pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about, hey, just so you know, I have a roll.

[Jake Johnson]

Could you use a roll a day? And it's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also got a real problem over there. Someone needs to clean this up.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, what's going on with your butthole? There was no property manager that call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also, hey, did anyone teach you how to do it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So will you read back what we got?

[Ally]

Hey, I just got a call from our building manager and he said that we have to be careful with our toilet paper usage because they're having trouble with the sewage pipes. I told him that we keep an eye on our toilet paper usage. Thumbs up emoji.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, wait, now. I love it. I absolutely love it. Before we hit send, let me just say one.

[Jake Johnson]

Say toilet paper usage twice, and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A thumbs like, yay.

Say is before we send it. If. If she. I don't think she'll do this because I think this is a shameful enough zone where you're not going to say to the building manager, hey, you thought we used too much tp, but it might be something to think about going forward. Like, if that ever happens, one of.

[Jake Johnson]

Us calls as the building manager.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great. Done. There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

We will be there to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boom. Done.

[Jake Johnson]

If we have to, we'll create a fake email account.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll be part of this. We will listen. If this sinks you, it sinks us all.

[Jake Johnson]

But the main. The main thing, it'll be this, if it's that mildly matter. And she goes, tony, the guy who comes to the building. And you go, it was not Tony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, I think it's someone who owned the building.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. It was a guy named Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, I mean, we'll use different names, obviously.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll be Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I wouldn't be. What? No. No. How's that? No.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think? What do you think, Al? You gonna send this?

[Ally]

Yeah. What if I just take out the second toilet paper usage?

[Morgan]

I'm just like.

[Jake Johnson]

It felt like a lot of toilet paper usage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you just read it one more time so we could enjoy that? You used it twice.

[Ally]

You want it with it twice still?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just read it real quick.

[Ally]

Okay, okay. Hey, I just got a call from our building manager and he said that we have to be careful with our toilet paper usage because we're having trouble with the sewage pipes. I told him we keep an eye on our toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just say, I Told him we keep an eye on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thumbs up. Somebody make that not. It's not merch, but just somebody make that as a shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's definitely framed on a wall.

[Jake Johnson]

Thumbs up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Toilet paper usage twice. Feels fibby for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

It's because I feel like you're talking about my toilet paper usage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never heard you say toilet paper usage until.

[Jake Johnson]

I've never heard anyone on planet Earth until. It's just toile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a toilet paper usage thing. So I think the toilet paper usage is what we're all kind of flagging over here.

[Jake Johnson]

So you want to do any more emojis in that text? No, I'm asking.

[Ally]

I like the thumbs up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, let's.

[Jake Johnson]

So tell us when you send it.

[Ally]

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Eat that. Slo.

Read it one time without the double yes, read it. But we're eating the slaw on the call. We're not waiting until we hang up.

[Morgan]

Eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The sloth is psychotic.

[Ally]

Okay, I sent it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're gonna do a read through.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, don't. For now on, if anybody listens, don't say, I sent it. Say, I ate this law.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So read us what you wrote.

[Ally]

Hey, I just got a call from our building manager, and he said that we have to be careful with our toilet paper usage because they're having trouble with the sewage pipes. I told we keep an eye on it. Thumbs up emoji.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect. Truly perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

If you get a response, we are going until, what, we got another hour?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

If you get a response, will you call?

[Ally]

I will try.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. It's interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

You did. You didn't have fun, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Ally]

I have work that I'm actually late for.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Go do your thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go do your thing. All right. Good luck with your toilet paper usage. Keep us posted.

[Jake Johnson]

Thumbs up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thumbs up emoji. Toilet paper usage. Bye, Ally.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Peyton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get help. Payton, you need help.

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[Jake Johnson]

It's the holiday season. I know. You. You want to eat something delicious? You want a little taste? Let me ask you something. You like chocolate mint? I do. Would you like to drink something that has a chocolate mint taste to it? But maybe you could skip all the sugar hangover. But it's rich chocolate, it's cool mint, and it's zero compromise. Well, let me tell you about the limited edition flav that delivers decadent chocolate, refreshing mint, and all the nutrition you need to fuel your adventures. You've also got the standbys. You got chocolate, vanilla, chai matcha, coconut, acai, strawberry. All delicious food coma recovery made easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15% off your next order. That's Kachava K A C-H-A-V A.com, code here to help for 15% OFF. Come on now. It's Christmas morning, and the FaceTimes hit a little different when you can't be there in person. But distance doesn't mean you have to be disconnected. 1-800-flowers.com makes it easy to bridge those miles with gifts that say, I'm thinking of you. I am ordering flowers for my mother. I use 1-800-Flowers. And I'll tell you, they make it so easy. A gorgeous holiday arrangement is coming her way.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you about a time when I just used 1-800- Flyers and I even used our own code, which is crazy to say, but I did. It was 1-800-flowers.com here to help. I put that in myself. I saved up for 40 off of the Christmas bestsellers. But you know what? I sent it to a sweet woman named Pam. A sweet, beautiful angel named Pam. I sent her a little lover's gift. Something to let her know that I was thinking of her. I think she is gorgeous. I think she smells as sweet as a 1-800-flower because she is my 1-800-flower. She is as good as it gets. She just gave me a little gift of a little coffee cup with a baby monkey on it. I said, cheeky monkey. And in return, I sent her a lot of flowers from 1-800-Flowers. So, Pam, enjoy the sweet smell because I enjoy the sweet smell of you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I use 1-800-flowers all the time, and I'm using it this holiday season. So you're going to get a bouquet. It's going to look beautiful. It's fresh. It shows up. I mean, really, it. It just. It makes you look good. So beat the holiday. Russians save 40 off Christmas bestsellers at 1-800-flowers.com here to help. That's 1-800flowers.com here to help for up to 40 off Christmas bestseller best sellers. And we are brought to you by Sundays for Dogs. Look, we've talked about this before. I've talked about this before. When it comes to dog food, it seems like you have to make an easy choice. You can either have fresh and healthy or you can have the easy to store and serve, but never both. But what if I told you listeners, you don't have to choose anymore, thanks to Sunday. Sundays is a fresh air dried dog food made from clean ingredients. The recipes are customized based on the needs of your dog so you give the size, the breed, the allergies, activities, levels, all that stuff. And Sundays does not require thawing, refrigeration preparation. They're just like little, just like little chewy pieces. I, I know, I think I just described food, but it's a little different. But you do, you just pour and serve it. That's it. So I got sundaes for my girlfriend's dog. You could tell the difference after using it for a minute. You're like, am I crazy? But then you're like, no, these dogs have more energy. You could tell they're itching less. They just seem healthier. You could tell when you're putting good stuff in your dog's bodies. And I definitely noticed the difference with my girlfriend's dogs when I last visited her. So Sunday's holiday sale is going on right now. Go to sundaysfordogs.com your health and get 50 off your first order. Or you can use code here to help. 50 at checkout. Five zero. That's 50 off your first order at Sundays for dogs.com here to help. Don't miss out on Sunday's best sale of the year at Sundays for dogs.com here to help or use code here to help. Five zero at checkout.

Hello.

[Kyle]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you doing? Well, how are you doing? Good. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please?

[Kyle]

Yeah, my name is Kyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

Kyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you calling from, buddy?

[Kyle]

I'm calling from Knoxville, Tennessee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, beautiful. Love it. How old are you, Kyle?

[Kyle]

I am about to turn 26.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a kid, right, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Young guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Young guy. You having fun, Kyle? You enjoying your 20s, Kyle?

[Kyle]

Yeah, I am. I feel older than I am, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That never stops. So just, Kyle, ignore it.

[Jake Johnson]

Ask you a question?

[Kyle]

Yeah, what's up?

[Jake Johnson]

If you had one note to give us in terms of producing a radio show, what would it be? What could we do better to make Kyle Enjoy the show more.

[Kyle]

Man. Bring back Piggly and Mo.

[Jake Johnson]

Kyle. Hey, Kyle. No problem, Kyle. What can we do for you today, Kyle?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I don't think there's going to be a deal. A little bit outside of Tennessee in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A small town, it almost feels set up. Okay, what's going on, Kyle? Oh my God.

[Kyle]

Well, this isn't an easy one, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'Ll see what we can do. You're the best in the business, Kyle, so don't even worry about it. You're in great place.

[Kyle]

I knew who to call. So my father in law, he insists on paying with the $1 gold coin.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Kyle]

So like he will go to his morning stop before work and he'll go to a gas station or coffee shop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is so good.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great. Also, before you go, Kyle, you're gonna be in bad news. Gareth always has two dollar bills on him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's normal.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth goes like, like they're cool. I request them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do the lick, I do the finger lick before I start peeling them off.

[Jake Johnson]

Am I lying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're, you're, you're embellishing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm em. Do you think $2 bills are really cool?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's obviously the greatest currency. I've held to my principles of that since I was 6 years old. Why they make it if they didn't want it's look, they made a dollar that is unique. You see a $2 bill. You're telling me something doesn't happen to you chemically?

[Jake Johnson]

It's cool. If I'm just telling Kyle right now, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That his father in law is doing is weird. What I'm saying is fine. I'm not like.

[Jake Johnson]

But Gareth goes. He's told me in real life, dude, whenever I have a chance, if I'm at a bank, which I'm not at as much anymore, I'll always go, can I get him in $2 bills? So I always have one in my wallet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone like, someone's like paying for merch and they start whipping out twos. I'm like, well, those aren't getting spent. Those are hanging. Those are hanging with me for five years.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Kyle, back to you. So you're weird, boomer, father in law. That's nothing like Gareth, your peer in your 20s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got a real weirdo on your hands. Keep going.

[Kyle]

Yeah, he's quite strange, but I love him. So anyway, he'll get his coffee in the morning or he'll get his gas and he'll get like, you know, 15 worth of stuff. And my wife works for Him. My wife works for him. So she sees this all in action and you know, he'll. He'll get his $1 coins and he'll start laying them on the counter, you know.

[Ally]

All right.

[Kyle]

He gets really excited about it too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And.

[Kyle]

And the cashier's looking at him like, what is this? You know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that. That's not real.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're paying me with non. You're paying me with garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I said dollars, sir.

[Kyle]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, these are garbage.

[Kyle]

I don't know if you guys are familiar with like gas station lines in the morning, but they're pretty long and pretty, Pretty hasty people.

[Jake Johnson]

You're trying to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So aren't we doing cards now at the pump?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, everybody is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the. The pre. If I see a pump that says prepay, I'm like, I'm not gonna go here.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But even those inside people are moving fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Time is money. Absolutely.

[Kyle]

Yeah. So a lot of times the person who's, you know, at the register, you know, they're my age, they've probably never seen a gold coin in their life. They have to go to the manager and ask if they even take. Take the currency.

Like, is this real?

[Jake Johnson]

I get this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot of.

[Kyle]

The manager is usually, you know, 30, and they've never seen this dollar coin. So like, I don't know, I guess we can accept this.

[Jake Johnson]

I guess this isn't garbage. I don't know, it might be garbage, but let's just take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's take this crazy man. Fake coins.

[Jake Johnson]

You go like this, hey, get out of here. Hey. Hey, Scott. This. This crazy person's trying to pay with garbage. Is this real? And then Scott goes, I don't know. But it's only $9. Just take the garbage. It. I'll take it out of my own. I don't know what to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This. This guy comes in with fake coins all the time and we just enable him.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't, I don't. I honestly don't know. Just take the weird garbage and put it in that vault in the back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what's so bizarre about this one is like I. It's the psyche of going through that constantly. Cuz that. That just happens all the time. To have people just be like, wait, what are you doing? Like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you.

[Ally]

Odd.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Kyle, what can we call father in law?

[Kyle]

We can call him by his real name. His name's Jonathan.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Jonathan. I'll tell you what. Jonathan likes weird attention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he definitely, definitely. I can see that it's gonna be. That's gonna be a problem in solving.

[Jake Johnson]

This, probably for the audience right now. While we think about Jonathan, can we remember the guy in China who took the back of his hair and pushed it forward?

You go, why would you do that? Because that guy likes weird attention. Could we imagine Jonathan with that haircut? For this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will say I am taking a cowboy hat off if we're doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you had him in a cowboy hat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

Tennessee. And coins.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm picturing a toothpick and a picture. One, two. And he's not using two hands to count it out like a kid. He's flicking the coins that.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Kyle, can you do us a favor? We're going to close our eyes for a second. Can you paint a physical picture of Jonathan?

[Kyle]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's pretty in shape for his age. He's tall. He's got a full head of hair. He's got a real, like, spunk about him, you know, he's got a lot of energy.

[Jake Johnson]

Kyle, what's his age?

[Kyle]

He's sniffing 60. He's somewhere in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's probably late 50s. In good shape to do not. No. Cowboy hat, a denim shirt sometimes.

[Kyle]

No, he. He's a painter. So he's. He's always wearing paint clothes.

[Jake Johnson]

Like it changed everything. House painter or like an artist painter?

[Kyle]

Exterior house painting.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, and what does your wife or girlfriend do with him? Is she also a painter? Does she do administrative work?

[Kyle]

She does it all. She. She's the boss when he's out of town, but she also runs paint to the guys and she's kind of like an erra, but she also does painting too.

[Jake Johnson]

That's probably one of the hottest things I've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You like that?

[Jake Johnson]

A family business.

[Kyle]

Why do they got married?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, Kyle, I think you're doing something right. And the other thing, I'm going to recommend you right now and then we're going to end the call. Have you ever been interested in changing all your currency to $1 gold coins?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're interested in selling you some of.

[Jake Johnson]

That because my man Jonathan's living right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it.

[Jake Johnson]

It's family business. Painter, painter, full of gold coins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we also got to remember this is. Your wife is experiencing the same sort of stress with Jonathan.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. She doesn't like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

Oh, she. Yeah, she gets embarrassed so easily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this a lifelong issue or is this recent?

[Kyle]

This is recent. He. So he picks up like weird, strange things as he gets older, as we all do.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta Tell you, Kyle, that's what happens to men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there is something to that. But this is not a hobby.

[Jake Johnson]

See my chimps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God. Merch. New show title, Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck.

[Kyle]

The strangest thing about all of us is, you know, he's got a hoard of golden coins. So he'll go to the bank and he'll trade his $1 bills in for the $1 coin and he keeps them in his band cup holder. And right before he, you know, he parks, he just grabs a fistful of them, he goes up to the store and starts picking out what he wants to buy.

[Jake Johnson]

So are we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we? First of all, that's amazing to live your life like you just hit big on a slot machine.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But is he. Is he's not doing a debit card or credit card at all? At all? I mean, he must have that for larger things.

[Kyle]

He does, he does.

[Jake Johnson]

But he's for small purchases.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, maybe not even small purchases because if he's like rolling into the store.

[Jake Johnson]

With a hand under 20. This is under 20.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this under 20?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, usually I know, but here's where I'm gonna. Kyle, we're gonna be on your side. But here's where I'm gonna say. Say we lean closer to Gareth is going to pretend he doesn't. But we lean closer to Jonathan than.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you listen to this geezer try to relate? Anyway, go ahead, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, Gareth, you've done a wonderful job painting your goatee orange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, grandpa, because guess what?

[Jake Johnson]

We both know that's graying screen. You got some weird pumpkin orange color.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who would choose this color? Are you kidding me? By the way, can you imagine?

[Jake Johnson]

You came up with a black beard. You're the funniest guy I've ever met.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine looking at shades and me being like, that's good.

That's the right. That's the right color. That'll be nice.

[Kyle]

It's a pretty ugly one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me, Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

It's beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's beautiful. Yeah, it's a far of orange.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's. Here's the issue that I'm coming across, Kyle, as a. Here's honestly, two issues. This is not a joke. One, I'm considering doing this now. I'm considering literally going to the bank and giving 100 and saying, do you guys have gold coins and having a bucket? Because in my car I like to keep cash and I have weird little compartments in my car. So I like to be at around the 200 range.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you not listening to this problem? The problem is that that's not a. Most people are not aware of the Sacagawea coin. So it's so. So you're.

[Jake Johnson]

But it is real currency.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I wonder if, like, okay, keep going. There might be a solution in this, what we're talking about now, but keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I don't have much more. I just kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's hard because it's not like he's so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So your pitch is you're going to adopt this horrible quirk?

[Jake Johnson]

My pitch is. Thanks for the suggestion. Next show. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got two pitches for you. You and.

[Kyle]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One is.

One is basically get him hooked on the $2 bill.

[Jake Johnson]

Transition.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Try to transition him to the less strange currency. It's still got the quirk, but that's going to be hard. That. What I. What I think you maybe need to do is.

If you have someone in your world who works retail or at a restaurant, set up a sting and where you're going to go out to eat, or you're gonna go into a place and you're gonna have this person deny that they will accept those, and that will maybe make him feel like, ah, this is not the lock that I think that it is. And that can maybe transition you into the conversation of. It's a little weird. The problem as we addressed at the beginning is nobody does this because they're like, it's convenient. He's doing it because he thinks it's kind of cool. So the only way to do it is to make it a legit. A bit of a logistical issue.

So something like that. Find a way to make someone, you know, or when he's trying to pay someone, or when he's trying to use. Or you say that people are. Or dare I say, Piggly and Mo.

[Jake Johnson]

Talk about, dude, Gareth, I've written Piggly and Mo. Look right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. To be fair, you have that written on every page.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, I was waiting for you to finish and you came to the same spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Piggly and Mo.

[Jake Johnson]

Is this.

Kyle?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Piglet.

[Jake Johnson]

Mo, is your relationship with Jonathan or is his wife the kind of relationship chip where she could say, hey, Dad, I was listening to a podcast and play him a clip, while the other. You film his reaction. Because a lot of people say, well, this not a realistic. It's just a bit for a bit sake. And I go, I hear them. They would think they're just pitching it, but it doesn't do anything. But if there is a way. Because they do now fake Instagram commercials all the time. Time. So if we could do like a fake Instagram commercial clip so they could see our face. Jonathan doesn't know who we are. And if he goes, is that that one guy from that show? Yeah, it is. He's not gonna Google me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's.

[Jake Johnson]

I saw an Instagram clip. I don't even know the name of the show, but I'm sending it to you because it was so funny. Because it's like you with the gold coins. And we do a Piggly and Mo, but we don't even call it Piggly and Mo. It's just a clip about how annoying it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And we pretend Gareth works retail now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Love that. I was gonna ask our angle. That's pretty good. If the angle is I work retail and it's really pissing gold coins and it's. It's really. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kyle.

[Kyle]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it real that you could show your dad or your wife could show your dad this Instagram clip? Is that something that could really happen? Because what we would is the other one filming it. Because our audience is so mad at Piggly and Mo that we have. It needs to work. If it doesn't work, the backlash is going to be so intense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We can't handle it.

[Jake Johnson]

This is high stakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is high stakes.

[Kyle]

My only fear is he really enjoys paying for things with his coins. Like, it's his. It brings his day up when he does it. And he kind of likes the detention of the cashiers. I'm gonna be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

I understand. He likes the whole thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does he ever go out. Does he ever go out to eat and pay with the coins?

[Kyle]

No, it's. It's strictly like around 15 when he's doing his morning routine before work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the morning routine before we get to like.

[Jake Johnson]

But who. I mean. Okay, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, because I'm going to say I work in coffee. He pays for his coffee. We always spit in anyone's coffee. Who pays with coins.

[Jake Johnson]

That's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, go ahead, Jacob.

[Jake Johnson]

You're just. Now that's a terrible. You're just trying to get back to performance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm not. That wouldn't even be. That's not true.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you a question, Kyle. What is the big. Because what you're saying about Jonathan is interesting. And I think you were right about the Piggly and Mo. And I think the problem is, is he likes that weird attention. He doesn't care. He gets a lot of enjoyment out of this. So to get him to stop, I can hear the. I can hear the audience going, just let him pay with gold coins. So please explain the real issue. Is it just the annoyance from the daughter? You're not there, so it's not your annoyance. Is it you hearing from your wife, her 9 out of 10 frustration that's ruining her mornings? Or is it more an annoyance because there's a way to do it as a father to a daughter, you want to know what? All you want deep down is for them to want to hang with you. So there's a way we could get something in there if you create a family business. If I'm in my late 50s and my daughter. Daughters are working and hanging with me, I'll get rid of gold coins for them to keep hanging with me.

So we might have to. Gold coins or me pop. But I'm too embarrassed to go in that God damn store with you because it's humiliating. So what do you want? You want to go in the morning and weird everybody out or you want to do our mornings together? Otherwise, I'll meet you on the set.

[Kyle]

Yeah, that's. That's pretty. Pretty much the biggest problem is if she's with him, she has to walk out of the store from embarrassment. But also it does hold the lineup when they have to ask the manager if it's actual currency or not.

[Jake Johnson]

But he doesn't care about that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's tough because I'm like. Everything I'm thinking is like, put someone behind him who's like, God, come on, sir. But if that doesn't care.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he doesn't care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine craving attention on that level. It's disgusting, Natalie.

[Jake Johnson]

He's trying again. Trying again. Keep it about, Kyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too. I think that's.

[Ally]

That was so obviously what we're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Try to mute Natalie here.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let's keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just so.

[Jake Johnson]

But the problem is, Natalie, is it throws me off because I'm like a raccoon. I see something shiny, I have to attack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you admit it's shiny. Shiny. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Like your face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I am shiny.

[Ally]

We have a caller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's early. I fresh. I'm freshly lotion.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, sorry, sorry. So, Kyle. Sorry. My partner drives me nuts. He distracts me. He knows I'm a stupid old man and he throws something. Johnny.

[Ally]

In my face.

[Jake Johnson]

And I can't help it. It's mean. It's mean what he does to me. It's mean. It's bullying.

He knows a weakness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

He Puts mustard because he knows I'm gonna go like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go raccoon.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kyle, I think the only actual way we win here.

And I hate to say this, is through wifey.

[Kyle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we're gonna need to do a follow up with her, and we're gonna need her involved and we're gonna need her to withhold.

She's going to have to say, did they commute to work together every day?

[Kyle]

No, no, they're. They don't always have the same mornings, but sometimes they try to have like a little daddy daughter thing before work.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I thought I had to. Hold on, Gareth. You're gonna go back to. How's there a way to make this about me? We're right there with the answer, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a really easy way to make it about. No, go ahead. I. I have another pitch, though. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. No, you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My only other pitch would be what if Kyle starts using $2 bills, like, and we set this up for a month, and then she sits them both down and is like, you two with your quirky money. Cut it off. I'm sick of going out with you. Dad, when you're doing this and you're. You're holding up the line. Kyle, you now with the $2 bills. Every time you're doing that, it's just weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I have an ide of that. I think that's great. How about she. When he puts the gold coins down, she takes them and pays with a card.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't. I don't hate that either. It could be he's still doing it. It could be both. You could do that. And then when he does that, that's her sort of escalated.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's how you diffuse it. Because he doesn't want to admit he's just doing it to weird people out and get attention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that too.

[Jake Johnson]

The teller goes like this. $9.40. She goes like that. He goes. Puts him out. She just goes like this. Actually, hold on. Dad takes him and goes and puts a card out and goes, I'm trying to get the points.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like. I like that too. I also don't mind her doing that. Just being like, look, it's weird. This is my. My way.

[Jake Johnson]

Speed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And then. And then go. There's people behind. I'll just speed this up. Takes the coins, put them in her pocket. He goes like, huh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

I think there's.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Gareth, kind of hit a grand slam there. There's two zones there. That could work. What are you thinking?

[Kyle]

I'm thinking go with the two prong approach or start, you know, interrupting his coin payment with her card.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Kyle]

And then if she does that long enough, we can kind of try that out and see if it has any effect. And if it doesn't, then we can have like a sit down meeting with him.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you can see the sit down meeting is you. We pretend you got a two dollar bill problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So you need to do a month of foundational work. Work.

[Jake Johnson]

But you don't really have to do that. He's not with Kyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we need to see the dad needs to see that Kyle has sort of started doing this a little bit. So they need to go out once or twice. I got this, dad.

[Jake Johnson]

Whenever you're with him, Kyle, first thing you have to do after this is go to the bank, get $100 and $2 bills.

[Morgan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And then here's what you. Oh, here's what you could do to help. Oh, here's something fun too. This is the other thing. Your wife could get $2 bills and when he pays with the gold, she goes, oh, actually, never mind, I'll make this easier. Takes them all and pay dollar bills.

[Kyle]

But oh, holy crap, that's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

So there's 10 coins, she grabs those, leaves five $2 bills.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are there. Are we trying to get him to do $2 bills through that? Cuz I feel like he's just going to be like, we're the co currency family.

[Jake Johnson]

But then you go, you know what you do, Gareth? You go like this. He has, let's say it's 10 bucks, he's got 10 coins, he's feeling all smug. Then the wife goes like, actually, I'm going to make this easier for you. Tell her. Here's it takes all the gold coins, puts fives, twos, and then goes like, actually, I'm gonna make it even easier. Takes all the tunes away, gives a $10.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we're trying to stop the line now. She's running a.

[Jake Johnson]

You only have to humiliate three times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I. Kyle, we've thrown. I think we got some good stuff here at the end. I think whatever you do, what we really want is some evidence of this happening. We need it. But what are you. Okay, what do you think you're gonna adopt? And, and what do you think you're going to start with? You're going to start with her doing the take the coin card approach, you think?

[Kyle]

Yes, I think that's a great first attempt because I don't think you're going to be discouraged that easily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kyle]

I think it might have to be a two pronged approach, like I was saying. So I think we start with the card and then if that doesn't work, maybe she can do the two dollar bill thing to kind of like demonstrate the madness, like how crazy it really is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, there you go. I think that's great. I think please try to grab some footage of some of this. I know it's not going to be easy, but it's just crazy. So do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks for a great, great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This really, this put our minds at work early. Yeah, so, so. And let us know what happens, Keep us posted.

[Kyle]

Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, buddy.

[Kyle]

Thank you guys so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, pal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Have a good one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Ally]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, how are you?

[Ally]

Good. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow up, but that's all we know. So what's your name please?

[Ally]

Allie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allie. Okay, Ally and Allie, what was your first call and what's going on on?

[Ally]

I called in about my roommate's excessive toilet paper usage.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my lord.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, I remember. I mean, why don't you just refresh it for everyone? But Jake and I definitely remember this one.

[Ally]

Yeah. So I living with a roommate, we get along pretty well. But he at one point got a pack of 12 toilet paper rolls and then in two weeks we went through all of the toilet paper rolls and I was putting on a new roll every morning. And it's especially weird because it's just the two of us, but then like I'm out of the apartment from like 9am to 10:30pm every day. I'm not really home, so I should figure out either how to get her to reduce how much she uses or get her to pay for the amount that she uses. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then our pitch was that you write a letter from the super. Right. Or an email.

[Ally]

It was that saying that he called me and then texting her what the call was.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, what, what happened?

[Ally]

She never acknowledged it. What?

I texted it to her, but she was away for the weekend so we didn't really see each other for a few days and then never talked about it in person. And then we've texted since then. We've hung out since then.

[Jake Johnson]

But nothing about the toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Ally]

And at first I was worried that maybe like she saw through the lie and then she was really mad. Like we hung out and it was really nice. And now it's been a few weeks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Has anything changed? Has the usage dropped?

[Ally]

Yeah, I've never had to think about toilet paper since then.

[Jake Johnson]

It fixed it fixed it fix.

[Ally]

I don't know what about it resonated with her.

[Jake Johnson]

But she was like, jesus Christ, I'm using so much toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. You explained to her what rationing is. She got embarrassed, but it stopped.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

My problem is look sometimes. And this is the part of the show that's not feel good.

We're not always going to. In the end, we're going to comb your hair, take all the knots out.

[Morgan]

Out.

[Jake Johnson]

Sometimes we're gonna shame you. Sometimes you're gonna get humiliated. Is that nice? No. But also you're using too much toilet paper on your butt.

[Ally]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Use less.

This is a what problem?

[Ally]

It was a pipe problem. It's not her fault. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

The fake. The fake landlord.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fake plumber came over and a fake landlord escorted the fake plumber.

[Jake Johnson]

Imagine that con station where the plumber was like one of the Girls in unit 4. Uses a lot of toilet paper on her butt after she poos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's mostly daytime flushes.

[Jake Johnson]

She might have a problem with her butt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. She's humiliating over wiping to some extent.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, the idea of a plumber and a landlord talking about my wiping would humiliate me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

It's Anybody talking about my wiping habits would humiliate me to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To insinuate that you have to wip more than a regular person on a level where a plumber's involved.

[Jake Johnson]

Some embarrassing thing about humanity is we all wipe our butts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's shameful.

[Jake Johnson]

You imagine a everybody. You ever think about Victoria's Secret models? They all have to wipe their butts. It just changes. It doesn't.

Does at one point. Athlete.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had to come to terms with every politician. Yes. I mean, I've thought about the fact that the pre. Like try trump shits. He sits there.

[Jake Johnson]

They all. They all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Biden.

Biden. Brian didn't wipe. But. But they all. Everyone. Everyone at esteemed levels everywhere. Everyone that we find attractive at one point.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody. You're like Jesus Christ. Like Cindy Crawford in the 90s doing those Pepsi commercials.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Right before shooting, she was like, hold on. Something's not agreeing trailer and just dropped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Heat and had to use the trailer like flush. Pet kettle.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. She was just sort of like, I'm using so much toilet paper it's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta flush again. You can still tell. I went.

[Ally]

You guys have a caller.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

Natalie wipes.

Do you want me to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not the amount.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob told us the amount of toilet paper you use is Excessive. By the way, we went on a tangent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the alleys at Act Actress. This is a Rob. This is a Rob call.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob is trying to humiliate you, Natalie. He said the amount of money he spends on toilet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He said he bought stock at Charman.

Move past this.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Well, this is a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Ally]

Yes, it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No doubt.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, good news. And I would say never bring it up to her again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's great.

[Jake Johnson]

So totally, totally no reason to humiliate. It's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, that's what's great is. I mean, it's actually perfect because she never asked you any questions, which, I mean, you are in the middle of a fib and the problem solved. There's no friction.

[Jake Johnson]

Remember Gallagher, the guy who used to hit watermelons?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure do.

[Jake Johnson]

Went and saw his brother who copied his routine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The story. Jake is crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Both those guys take shits and wipe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, thanks, everybody. Thanks for the call, Ellie. Take care. God bless.

[Jake Johnson]

Bless.

[Ally]

Thank you so much. Bye bye now.

All right, and now roll the paper all the way down to the floor and rip off 20 squares. Slowly roll them into a ball and reach really far. And wipe and wipe and wipe and throw it in the toilet.

Roll the paper all the way down to the floor and rip off 20 squares.

Slowly roll them into a ball.

And reach really far. And wipe and wipe and wipe and throw it in the toilet.

[Gigi]

Hey, this is Gigi from North Carolina. I'm calling to nominate my favorite episode, episode 74. He lost his wife and dog.

I was crying, laughing, listening to this about a guy who. There was like a Debbie Downer at work who the guys suggested tell him that something sad had happened and he didn't want negativity around the office.

The caller suggested that he tell the guy that both his wife and dog had died. It's so amazing. Even though, to be fair, I think the twin circumcision episode probably should. Should genuinely win. While I'm here, just want to say Cat Reitman is by far the best guest helper. She's amazing. I was a fan of Pigley and Mo and I really miss Gil Buchanan. I love you guys. Happy New Year.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Rolley the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Morgan]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.