We're Here to Help — Episode 237: Toilet Paper Usage & Dolla Dolla Coins

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: December 8, 2025

Episode Overview

A mix of lighthearted problem-solving, goofy riffs, and earnest attempts to help, this episode of We're Here to Help brings listeners two memorable calls. The first, a now-infamous “toilet paper situation” from grad student Ally, leads Jake and Gareth down a rabbit hole about roommate hygiene and household confrontation tactics. The second challenge is from Kyle, whose quirky, coin-hoarding father-in-law is wreaking havoc at retail counters. Both stories are handled with the show’s signature blend of humor, empathy, and escalating bits.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

Helpies Voting and Calendar Antics

[02:05–07:26]

• Show "business": Listeners are urged to vote in the podcast’s “helpies” awards and, notably, to snag one of the limited-edition Steve Berg calendars, which quickly sell out.

• Running Steve Berg bit: Jake and Gareth recount their long-running pranks on friend Steve Berg (who, hilariously, ends up the unwitting star of a thirst-inducing calendar). The comedians riff on audience reactions—especially women—in Omaha, where Berg’s unexpected sex appeal becomes a running joke.

  “This guy, the ladies love this guy.”
  — Jake Johnson [05:32]

Call 1: The Great Toilet Paper Mystery

[13:36–43:58 and Follow-up at 73:03–78:51]

Caller: Ally, 24, first-year grad student from New England.

Problem:

Ally’s roommate, “Peyton,” is blasting through 12 family-sized toilet paper rolls in just two weeks. Ally rarely uses the bathroom at home herself, so the numbers don’t make sense—and she’s frustrated at both the cost and the weirdness.

Key Questions Raised

• How do you address a roommate overusing shared supplies?
• Is it possible to tactfully discover why someone is decimating toilet paper rolls?
• Should Ally confront the issue directly or sidestep it?

Host Analysis & Advice

• Comedic investigation: Jake and Gareth play out hypotheses (e.g., is Peyton “using the TP for something other than the ass”? [15:34], is she simply “way overdoing it on the wiping”?)

• Ten-minute riff: A classic “family style”/Italian dinner bit about toilet tissue [17:08–17:43].

• Practical suggestions:

  • The Wet Wipes Gambit: Jake suggests Ally feign “butthole issues” to start using wet wipes, with the hope Peyton will admit her own over-wiping habits [20:26-21:21].
  • Going undercover: Gareth proposes Ally keep a private stash of toilet paper and let Peyton figure out the financial loss herself [25:10–25:29].
  • Fake plumber/landlord warning: The standout solution—call or text Peyton as if the building manager warned them about pipe clogs due to excessive toilet paper [26:12–37:30].
  • Script labs: Together, they craft a message for Peyton, workshopping wording and tone ad nauseam—occasionally veering off to joke about “toilet paper usage” as a phrase [41:59–43:32].

  “We’re just gonna be entering an embarrassing phone call, but let’s lean in.”
  — Jake Johnson [20:06]

  “We need to start being careful with the toilet paper usage because we’re having pipe problems.”
  — Jake Johnson dictating the eventual text [37:30]

Memorable Moment

• Host-Caller Meditation Bit: Jake and Gareth urge Ally to deliver a calming, guided mediation for “the world’s most excessive wiper” [35:39–36:17], leading to:

  “Roll the paper all the way down to the floor and rip off 20 squares. Slowly roll them into a ball and reach really far. And wipe. Wipe and wipe. And throw it in the toilet.”—Ally [35:50/79:27]

Call 1 Follow-Up: Did It Work?

[73:04–78:51]

• Ally reports success: After sending the “building manager” text, Peyton didn’t acknowledge it verbally but instantly, the excessive usage stopped. The subject hasn’t been raised since, but peace (and reasonable TP usage) were restored.

  “I’ve never had to think about toilet paper since then.”
  — Ally [75:01]

  “Sometimes we’re gonna shame you. Sometimes you’re going to get humiliated. Is that nice? No. But also you’re using too much toilet paper on your butt.”
  — Jake Johnson [75:28]

Call 2: Dolla Dolla Coins

[49:08–72:56]

Caller: Kyle, 25, Knoxville, TN.

Problem:

Kyle’s father-in-law Jonathan, a fit late-50s house painter with “a real spunk about him,” insists on paying for everything with $1 gold coins. This “eccentricity” repeatedly jams up retail lines and causes embarrassment—especially for Kyle’s wife, who works with her dad and is periodically mortified.

Key Discussion Points

• Jonathan exchanges bills for coins at the bank, keeps them in his car cup holder, and relishes the spectacle as cashiers scramble to verify if they're genuine currency.

• Jake and Gareth compare Jonathan’s habit (affectionate but bluntly) to Gareth’s own, less disruptive love of $2 bills—a riff that morphs into bits about “co-currency families” and odd old-man tics [50:57–51:47, 58:01–59:50].

• The heart of the issue is not legality but embarrassment, lost time, and attention-seeking.

  “It’s amazing to live your life like you just hit big on a slot machine.”
  — Gareth Reynolds [58:01]

Advice & Solutions

• Quirk-to-quirk counterattack: Get Jonathan hooked on $2 bills instead of coins—still quirky, but less hassle [60:29–60:34].
• The “Card Intercept” Approach: Kyle or his wife intercept the coin payment at the register by using a debit card instead, to speed things up and gently send a message [69:16–69:48].
• Escalation via humor and social pressure: Consider a staged retail refusal or “intervention,” or have Kyle also adopt a payment quirk (e.g., always using $2 bills) until the mutual absurdity is clear.
• Emphasize their relationship: If needs must, the daughter could leverage her embarrassment—making it clear she'll skip their cherished morning routines together unless he drops the weird habit [66:03–66:22].

Memorable Quotes

“Nobody does this because it’s convenient. He’s doing it because he thinks it’s kind of cool.”
— Gareth Reynolds [61:33]

“All you want deep down is for [your kids] to want to hang with you. So there’s a way we could get something in there… Gold coins or me, Pop.”
— Jake Johnson [66:03]

Running Jokes & Notable Bits

• The “family style” toilet paper routine: Jake and Gareth imagine communal Italian-style bathroom habits [17:08–17:43].
• Hosts derailing each other: Multiple moments of meta-commentary as Jake and Gareth scold each other for interruptions, losing attention, and “bullying” [34:43–37:07, 67:09–67:41].
• Coin quirks: Gareth’s love for $2 bills becomes as much a subject of ridicule as Jonathan’s $1 coins, culminating in a “co-currency family” scenario [71:07–71:36].
• “Eat the coleslaw”: A bizarre, in-episode catchphrase encouraging caller Ally to “just do it”—used throughout the segment for comedic effect [38:11–43:02].

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On excess and embarrassment:

  “Some embarrassing thing about humanity is we all wipe our butts.”
  — Jake Johnson [76:28]

• On solving the problem:

  “It fixed it. Fixed it. Fixed it.”
  — Jake Johnson [75:05]

• On the golden coin routine:

  “He’s quite strange, but I love him... The cashier’s looking at him like, ‘What is this?’”
  — Kyle [52:31, 52:35]

Timestamps for Main Segments

| Segment | Start Time | Key Highlights | |:------------------------------------------|:-----------|:------------------------------------------------| | Calendar and Helpies business | 02:05 | Steve Berg pranks, audience excitement | | Toilet Paper Call: Problem Introduction | 13:36 | Ally lays out the roommate’s TP overuse | | Toilet Paper: Brainstorming & Advice | 15:22–43:58| Riffing, advice, comedic meditation | | Toilet Paper: Text Composition | 36:28–43:32| Hosts and Ally workshop faux landlord text | | Toilet Paper: Follow-up and Resolution | 73:03 | Ally reports instant change, hosts riff on shame| | Gold Coin Call: Introduction & Riffing | 49:08 | Kyle’s eccentric father-in-law, $2 bill bit | | Gold Coin Call: Advice & Solutions | 58:01–72:56| Payment interventions, empathy, escalation |

Conclusion & Takeaways

• Sometimes, indirect confrontation works best: Ally’s fake landlord text avoided drama and quickly solved her roommate issue.
• Quirk escalation needs targeted de-escalation: For Kyle, breaking a parent’s habit (however sweet or weird) may take teamwork, strategy, and a bit of loving humor.
• Shame, laughter, and negotiation: Jake and Gareth’s approach threads these together, making the silly serious and the serious silly.

Useful Quotes for Posters or Merch:

• “Eat the coleslaw” — a recurring bit encouraging decisive action [38:11–43:02]
• “Toilet paper usage. Thumbs up emoji.” — the legendary double-usage text [41:59–43:32]

For more advice, pranks, and occasional guidance, you can email the show at helpfulpod@gmail.com.