We're Here to Help

Episode 247: Ten Pounds of Pasta & Doormat Drama (with Jenny Slate)
Released January 7, 2026

Overview

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds return for another episode of comedic, surprisingly heartfelt advice as they tackle listeners’ real-life dilemmas, joined this week by the always hilarious Jenny Slate. The trio field two notably memorable calls: first, a “breakup” drama between two preteens that threatens a long-standing family friendship; and second, a deep dive into passive-aggressive neighborly warfare... but over doormats. Along the way, they explore relationship dynamics, conflict avoidance, and the practical mechanics of pasta and gingerbread, all while riffing with the laid-back yet irreverent humor fans know and love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction and Banter (03:11–05:47)

• Jake and Gareth warmly introduce Jenny Slate, discuss her new podcast ("I Need You Guys"), mutual admiration, and past near-misses at collaborating.
• Gareth reveals he once had Jenny in an early Comedy Central pilot, sparking a discussion about showbiz memories and the wisdom of not always bringing up old credits.
• The hosts riff about fan encounters, calendar signings, and the curious economics of selling merch on tour.
  • Quote, Jake: "This is the beginning of your new world order... This will be happening forever." (07:33)

2. Caller 1: Preteen Breakup & Family Dynamics (16:10–54:01)

A. The Situation (16:10–21:57)

• Caller “Dee Dee” (going by Gigi) describes a dilemma: her nine-year-old daughter Anna and her friend’s ten-year-old son Kristoff, family friends since childhood, have dramatically “broken up” after years of playing a “Let’s Get Married” game.
• The parents only discover the seriousness via a lengthy, mic-drop-laden text exchange between the kids, full of accusations and hurt feelings.
  • Jenny: “I don't think Anna is a maniac at all, man.” (28:58)
• Jake and Gareth perform a dramatic reading of the text thread, exposing just how emotionally mature (and hilarious) the exchange is.

B. Jenny Slate’s Perspective & Table Read (25:24–28:51)

• Jenny and Jake reread the texts together, with Jenny as Anna, and Jake as Kristoff.
• Jenny expresses concern that the kids are acting out adult relational dynamics too soon (“surprised that this is even where they're at... they could just be having fun!” - 29:13), and suggests a reframing of Anna’s “intensity” as emotional honesty, not “mania.”

C. The Real Issue: Family Friendships at Risk (30:52–33:28)

• Dee Dee asks: How do we keep the families close—and avoid awkwardness—after this “breakup”?
• The hosts agree the situation mirrors adult relationships and breakups, and humorously lament the early loss of innocence in modern kid relationships.

D. Solution Brainstorm: The Annulment (34:35–54:01)

• The group brainstorms creative, lighthearted ways to help the families move forward constructively:
  • Draft an “annulment agreement” for the kids, presenting the end of their marriage game as a fresh start, with parents as notaries—make it both silly and official (36:40).
  • Institute new, playful "rules" (no more “relationship talk”, no texting, no more marriage game).
  • Structure fun, age-appropriate activities for the next family visit to focus the kids on being kids (suggested: gingerbread house, scavenger hunt, or—jokingly—a 10-pound pasta cook-off).
    • Jake (joking): “They need to make a 10 pound spaghetti dish…” (51:49)
    • Jenny: “It’s so much spaghetti, so much hot water, they’re so young…” (52:04)
  • Tee up the activity as both consequences for “inappropriate texting” and an opportunity for reconciliation.
  • Jenny cautions against forced “divorce court” role-play; recommends a clear, boundary-setting moment, followed by fun group activities.
• Dee Dee agrees to write the annulment and focus on gingerbread house construction instead of ten pounds of pasta.
  • Jenny, deadpan: “I’m sorry that I came on the podcast and said that about 10 pounds of pasta...” (53:12)

3. Caller 2: The Doormat Drama (57:01–77:50)

A. The Set-Up: Passive Aggression in Dublin (57:01–61:51)

• Caller Patrick (“Patty G”), a Canadian living in Dublin, describes a passive-aggressive conundrum: after buying a new, stylish doormat for his apartment, his downstairs refugee neighbors lay down two matching mats—right over his!
• “How do we get our original new doormat back on display?” (63:27)
• The hosts and Jenny commiserate, expressing both empathy for the neighbors (Ukrainian refugees, “nice people”), but also clear boundary violations by unilaterally redecorating a shared entry.

B. Solution Brainstorm: Strategic Spillage & Chess Moves (65:05–73:47)

• Jenny suggests faking a “spill” (dog accident or milkshake) on the new, unwanted mat as a polite out: “Our dog spilled his milkshake on this... Luckily, we loved our first one anyway.” (65:52)
• Jake takes it further: fake a wine spill (complete with glass shards), leave a note apologizing, and unobtrusively return the original mat.
  • Jake: “Spill on theirs. My dog had diarrhea all over your mat... Just take ours instead!” (67:14)
• Gareth floats “move the mat to the main door” (front entry) as a more subtle pushback.
• Jenny and Jake debate the ethical boundaries: to lie or admit, to stand one’s ground or avoid conflict.

C. Resolution Plan (73:47–77:47)

• Patrick commits to the wine-spill strategy, with full intention of documenting the “crime scene” for follow-up.
• A cautionary note: always inform your spouse before executing such a “covert operation.”
  • Jenny: “I think wives absolutely hate being lied to.” (76:58)
• Jake and Gareth offer to be “on call” if the plan backfires, and urge a follow-up with photos for the show's social media.

4. Listener Feedback & Vasectomy Segment (78:06–82:41)

• The episode closes with a medley of listener voice notes—celebrating Gareth’s vasectomy announcement, sharing advice, and even a urologist volunteering to be the show’s resident genitalia consultant:
  • “Dental work is more invasive than a vasectomy...” – Kevin, MN (78:38)
  • “If you’re sure you don’t want kids, get a vasectomy. It’s the right thing to do.” – Yael, SF (80:14)
  • “I’m a urologist... happy to provide insight or to be your consultant when it comes to... genitalia or, you know, bladders, kidneys, whatever.” – Rabin, Northern CA (80:21)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jenny Slate (on Anna):
  “I don't think Anna is a maniac at all, man.” (28:58)
• Jake Johnson (on drafting the annulment):
  “Our job is to make things black and white and get out of the gray, or at least my job is.” (43:57)
• Gareth Reynolds (on diplomatic mat moves):
  “Just move the one your wife got to where the front door mat is and just see what happens.” (70:02)
• Jenny Slate (ethical reflection):
  “If it were me, I would either not say anything or I would fake a spill...” (65:41)
• Patrick/Patty G (accepting his fate):
  “I do think that the spill could be a good idea.” (71:18)
• Jake Johnson (meta commentary):
  “Ten pounds of pasta was in Jake's head. Not only that, he fought for it.” (75:11)
• Jenny Slate (deadpan):
  “I'm sorry that I came on the podcast and said that about 10 pounds of pasta for little kids to make with scalding hot water all that. That was fucked up.” (53:12)
• Jenny Slate (wisdom):
  “I think they're probably, right now, actually don't hate each other, but are in that weird activated state... they're going to be so trained on each other... that energy.” (45:05)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:11 – Introduction of Jenny Slate
• 16:10 – Call #1: Preteen relationship drama set-up
• 21:20 – Hosts perform the children's breakup text thread
• 25:24 – Jenny Table Reads & Reacts to the texts
• 29:34 – Jenny argues “Anna” isn’t a maniac, reframes the drama
• 34:35 – “Annulment” and fresh start brainstorm
• 51:49 – The “ten pounds of pasta” debate
• 54:01 – Call #2: Doormat drama introduction
• 65:41 – Jenny and Jake discuss “fake spill” strategy
• 71:08 – Patrick considers and outlines his plan
• 73:47 – Finalize and close Doormat drama advice
• 78:06 – Listener vasectomy stories and urology hotline

Tone and Style

The episode is a pitch-perfect blend of earnest advice, playful improvisation, and self-aware humor. The hosts and Jenny Slate oscillate between full-throttle comedy (calendar-signing debates; ten pounds of pasta; gingerbread “annulment”) and surprisingly astute emotional insight (setting boundaries for kids and neighbors alike). The vibe, as ever, is exactly what you’d hope for when the only real promise is, “We’re Here to Help.”

Summary by PodcastSummarizerGPT for those who haven’t listened: You’ll come away with practical tactics for kid drama, neighbor diplomacy, and at least a giggle or two about pasta and gingerbread. Avoid ten pounds of pasta if children are involved.