248: WEIRD Here to Help: Succulent Chinese & Bruce the Spruce

Summary

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We're Here to Help – Episode 248: WEIRD Here to Help: Succulent Chinese & Bruce the Spruce

Hosts: Jake Johnson (absent this episode), Gareth Reynolds, guest co-hosts Eric Edelstein & Steve Berg
Release Date: January 9, 2026
Main Theme:
A delightfully zany, advice-giving episode piloted by Eric Edelstein and Steve Berg, focusing on weird listener dilemmas, spanning generational gripes, haunted Christmas décor, creative crafts with wisdom teeth, and vengeful TV pranks. Advice is heartfelt and hilarious, with a spirit of camaraderie for the “fellow weirdos” who call in.

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Episode Overview

Eric Edelstein and Steve Berg co-host a WEIRD special of "We're Here to Help," fielding calls that are—true to the title—especially bizarre and unique. The episode’s central through line: celebrating the “weird” among us, sharing hilarious generational complaints, and coming up with over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek solutions to listener quandaries. There's plenty of camaraderie and bits, and some memorable discussions on etiquette, paranormal oddities, and pranks.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Generational Gripes: Phones, Manners, and Bar Traditions

(01:28 – 10:59)

• Eric’s Lament:
  Eric shares a modern pet peeve: people watching videos at full volume in public eateries, bemoaning the loss of personal, sensory experience (like eating solo and reading a newspaper).

  • Quote [04:43, Eric]: "One of my great goals in this life is to avoid being on page A9 of the LA Times: 'Character actor arrested in Valley Strip mall scuffle.' But, Steve…is this a fight I just have to give up?"

• Steve’s Take:
  Steve relates, seeing all ages do it, and takes a stand at social gatherings—“text it to me later” [06:35].

• Bar Culture Ruined by Smartphones:
  The guys commiserate about smartphones killing spontaneous bar debates, replacing the “bar know-it-all” with boring instant fact-checks.

  • Quote [07:50, Eric]: "'I can actually look it up…' Oh, I'm sorry, you're a wizard. You have the same stupid phone in your pocket we all do."

• Desire for Cultural Course-Correction:
  The pair fantasize about opening a phone-free bar, urging listeners to put their phones away and let uncertainty thrive.

  • Quote [09:07, Eric]: "You can't settle debates with your phone. And also, we're going to say it right now: Nobody wants to see a funny video you saw."

2. Call 1: Ellen from Melbourne — “What Should I Do with My Fiancé’s Wisdom Teeth?”

(16:45 – 30:44)

• Context:
  Ellen calls from Australia after her fiancé has wisdom teeth removed. Now in possession of the sizeable teeth, she want to “tastefully” display or repurpose them.

• The Brainstorm:

  • Earrings/Necklace:
    Eric pitches tooth earrings ("…tasteful gold wiring around them" [19:45]). Steve worries this leans "serial killer," but Eric says it’s a "litmus test for true weirdos."
  • Doll or Chupacabra:
    Mount the teeth on a doll as "extra weird" interior design.
  • Gift to Fiancé’s Mom:
    Steve suggests giving one tooth (as jewelry) to her future mother-in-law, honoring the maternal link [22:23].
  • Symbolic Burying:
    Bury a tooth at a place of significance, as a couple’s ritual [22:58].
  • Tooth Goblet:
    Embed the teeth in the bottom of a ceremonial champagne goblet for celebrational toasts [23:16]. Ellen & fiancé keep corks from champagne milestones, so this fits perfectly.
  • Restaurant Grift:
    Fake losing a tooth eating at a restaurant to score a free meal—a nod to the viral “Succulent Chinese Meal” video [24:30].
    • Quote [24:20, Steve]: “I literally lost my tooth on this meatloaf you gave me…all of a sudden you’re getting free meals right and left.”

• Favorite Solution:
  Ellen loves the goblet idea, plans to incorporate it in wedding rituals, and is “pitching” the restaurant scam to her unembarrassed fiancé.

• Memorable Moment:

  • Quote [28:03, Ellen]: "The goblet angle fits into our life perfectly. I think that's 100% locked in."

3. Call 2: Parker — The Haunted Christmas Tree (“Bruce the Spruce”)

(33:22 – 52:36)

• Background:
  Parker’s 94-year-old grandmother gifts him a secondhand, animatronic Christmas tree. The tree moves and lights up—even with batteries removed(!). It’s starting to scare Parker, his wife, and their 2-year-old child.

• Paranormal Diagnosis:

  • Eric and Steve are torn between “it’s a demon” and “there’s probably a logical explanation,” but agree the situation is super creepy.
  • They debate object attachment, haunted objects in folklore, and Eric recounts owning a "haunted" watch and a baseball card that gave him deep heebie-jeebies.

• Proposed Solutions:

  • Transfer for Study:
    Steve offers to have Parker mail "Bruce the Spruce" to his PO Box for a weeklong paranormal investigation using a ghost box and dowsing rods [44:18, 45:12].
    • Quote [44:18, Steve]: "I will do a full investigation study on this thing…I'll do all my paranormal testing."
  • Ritual Cleansing:
    Eric advocates burning sage and palo santo, speaking holy words/lyrics, and spiritually “resetting” the tree’s energy.
  • Haunted Object Specialists:
    If it’s truly malevolent, Steve can pass the tree to friends (Greg & Dana Newkirk) who professionally neutralize haunted objects and tour with them [49:03].
  • Regift as Prank:
    The “evil” option: give Bruce away without warning to see if it haunts other recipients.

• Next Steps:
  Parker’s wife is sold; he’ll mail Bruce to Steve for testing. Follow-up promised for future episodes.

• Memorable Moment:

  • Quote [40:36, Parker]: "She's yelling, bruce, stop. Stop moving. And then she's like, if you move again, I'm gonna kill you. And then it stops."
  • Quote [46:39, Eric]: "I'd be without a partner here if Bruce the Spruce comes to life and kills Steve."

4. Follow-Up: Annie — Pranking Her Dad via Smart Plugs on the TV

(52:54 – 68:33)

• Background:
  Annie called in Ep. 239 about her dad letting her 5-year-old watch Ghostbusters, resulting in sleep problems. The previous advice: use universal remotes to “mysteriously” turn off the TV and discourage scary scenes.

• Update & Results:
  Annie switched tactics—installed WiFi smart plugs on all TVs. Now, she can remotely turn off the TV from her phone, driving her dad batty.

  • Quote [57:14, Annie]: "He said to my mom, it always turns off at the best part of the movie…he’s just kind of accepted it that the TV turns off sometimes."

• Family Dynamics:
  Annie's mom at first resisted the prank, but after hearing about the show (and Steve's pizza admiration), she joined in and filmed her husband's confusion.

• Debate: The Maple Syrup Prank:
  Steve continues to push his idea to plant maple syrup in the fridge and slowly drain it to breed further paranoia, but Annie's mom (and everyone else) think her husband would just ignore it ("He wouldn't care." [66:57]).

• Notable Quotes:

  • [59:27, Annie’s Dad]: "No fucking idea."
  • [66:39, Annie’s Mom]: “One of us has to be unconscious.”

• Verdict:
  The prank is a success: her son avoids scary movies, her dad’s technological confidence is shaken (lovingly), and the hosts are delighted at the familial chaos. The maple syrup concept is declared a non-starter for this family.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Eric (re: modern phone behavior): "Nobody wants to see a funny video you saw. Well, I also think email it, text it, remind yourself later if it's so wonderful." [09:07]
• Steve (pushing boundaries): "What if you make… instead of you wearing it, you give it to [your fiancé’s mom] as a gift. Here’s your son’s tooth. You literally gestated and made these teeth.” [22:23]
• Parker (on Bruce): “It started moving and our two year old son started freaking out… The batteries were out. Had been out for the entire year." [36:39]
• Annie’s Dad (on baffling TV glitches): "No fucking idea." [59:27]
• Annie’s Mom (marriage wisdom): “One of us has to be unconscious.” [66:39]
• Steve (on maple syrup conspiracy): “The maple syrup thing is the ultimate… it's the subtlety… a little spark that becomes a brush fire, then becomes a wildfire of paranoia.” [68:57]

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Timestamps for Most Important Segments

• 01:28 – 10:59: Eric & Steve discuss generational gripes—phones, manners, and bar etiquette
• 16:45 – 30:44: Caller 1: Ellen’s wisdom teeth home décor dilemma
• 33:22 – 52:36: Caller 2: Parker’s haunted “Bruce the Spruce” crisis and transfer to Steve
• 52:54 – 68:33: Follow-up: Annie’s TV prank on her dad, family dynamics, and the fate of the “maple syrup” conspiracy

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Tone and Atmosphere

The vibe is freewheeling, kindhearted absurdity with a deep affection for listeners and cohosts alike. Eric and Steve’s banter is self-deprecating and conspiratorial—they’re “on the caller’s side,” whether concocting outlandish advice or just commiserating about bad restaurant etiquette. The episode radiates a cozy sense of belonging for anyone who ever felt “weird.”

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Summary Takeaway

This tightly-packed episode is a celebration of community among the oddballs—the “weird here to help.” Whether you’re fighting the tide of rude public phone usage, unsure how to honor a loved one’s oral surgery, worried you’ve inherited a haunted heirloom, or just want to pull a fast one on your parents, Eric and Steve are here for you—with big-hearted, outlandish, and always memorable advice.

If you like advice podcasts that are equal parts empathy, comedy, and absurdity, you’ll love this episode.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

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[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you feeling slightly left of center? Are you feeling slightly right of center? Sure. Then you are in the right place because Weird. Here to help with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein. Stevie boy, you're looking beautiful. How you doing, buddy?

[D]

Oh, my main man. I am doing San Francastic today. It is. We're in that weird, liminal time between Christmas and New Year's where you're like, I don't know, there's not work. Doesn't really. Isn't really a thing right now. It's like, you don't want to start resolutions too early. A lot of people are getting, you know, the things they want to do into the last second before the year, you know, ends. So it's a weird time. Rife for weirdness, right?

[C]

Oh, yeah. This is when it really crops up, when you're least suspecting it, I feel, and I'm sure callers will deal with it.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you just got back from, you know, seeing your lovely family in the.

[C]

Pacific Northwest, Vancouver, Washington, which is completely wonderful, but also a very spooky vibe driving around those trees, Steve, it's undeniable. There's stuff up there.

[D]

The trees speak to you.

[C]

They sure do. And I'm willing to listen.

[D]

Let me ask you a serious question. When you went to Mexican food on Christmas Eve night, did you bring a non Dairy cheese option on your person?

[C]

Oh, absolutely. I had a pocket full of nutritional yeast. I made pecan cheese when I was home. My poor dad's trying to figure out, oh, yeah, I made pecan cheese stored the.

[D]

How did you store the cheese? Like, in a Tupperware, which.

[C]

In a Tupperware. But I could put it in a Ziploc bag if I needed to take it anywhere at any time. And I'm just.

[D]

You're mobile with your homemade cheese.

[C]

I'm mobile. I'm not here to get cheated, Stephen. I'm not here to get cheated. But, Steve, I want to talk to you if I can. Oh. Because I think I'm coming into this podcast and realizing just how special these listeners are.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And that this is kind of a two way street. And I honestly think I need some help because I sometimes feel like I am from another place, another generation, and I'm having trouble sometimes navigating this new era.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So I'm gonna throw this out and we're gonna call this segment Am I the Crazy One? And for all of you at home that just heard Jake Johnson's voice go, let me stop you there. Yeah, you're crazy. I heard it, too. We all heard it. We're going to acknowledge I do come at a base level of crazy. But what I'm asking is this specific question or gripe crazy. So, Steve. Yeah, we all know I enjoy. I love getting a lunch alone. It's one of my joys in life. I just re upped a newspaper subscription, physical hard copy for 2026.

[D]

Of what?

[C]

LA Times, LA Times, Yorker. And I'm getting mojo and other things. Because what I love to do is I love eating alone and reading.

[D]

Yeah, you have to read.

[C]

It's a joy. And I've had awkward situations. If I'll run into somebody and they are like, I'll join you. And it's like, no, you will not, friend.

[D]

I'm having to read.

[C]

So I went to my happy place, which is Rice Walk.

[D]

Oh.

[C]

I'm on the corner of Laurel Canyon and Moore park in our beautiful San Fernando Valley. I'm having a great meal, and Steve, I'm sitting there and something feels off. And I realize there are three different tables in Rice Walk watching videos on their phone at full volume.

[D]

A nightmare. I, I, oh, God, don't get me started on this.

[C]

I'm here to get you started, buddy. Because I felt like I was about to snap. And we've talked about this, that one of my great goals in this life is to avoid being on page A9 of the LA Times. Character actor arrested in Valley Strip mall scuffle. Character actor attacked in Valley. Because I weighed every. I looked around, I'm like, these guys are all a lot smaller than me. I think they could all beat my ass. Yeah. It's like, I can't really back up my size. They're working folk. God bless. But, Steve, I want to start talking a little more about manners and common courtesy, because is this a fight? I just have to give up? And I'm genuinely asking our listeners, well, here it's 2025. Everyone's on their phone, but I'm like, to me, it is so rude. I have a fantasy of getting those $3 airport headphones and walking up to each other. Oh, sorry, you forgot to plug these in. Oh, sorry, you forgot to plug these in. Oh, sorry, friend.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'm realizing. I think I'm fighting a losing battle here, but I'm losing something I treasure, that is. And if people like, we'll just put in headphones of your own. I don't want to. I'm talking with Paul and Nancy at Rice Walk. They're like family. I've been eating there for over 21 years, since I had a bachelor apartment. Didn't have a kitchen.

[D]

Your family.

[C]

I love hearing people fight in the kitchen. I like the experience of it all. And now I'm legit. Like, I feel so much sensory overload.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

When I'm there, what do I do, buddy?

[D]

There's nothing you can do. Just not go out. Because it's not. It's not like a younger generation problem. I see people our age and older doing this. I'll be out. I was actually at a Christmas party and someone stopped, like, oh, my God, I got to show you this video. I'm like, I'm trying to mingle and, like, catch up with people. And I go. I go. Just. I go. Text it to me later. I'm not going to, like, pause what I'm doing in the middle of a Christmas party and watch a two and a half minute, like, funny video. Like, hold on.

[C]

Did you. Did you actually say, text it to me later?

[D]

Text it to me.

[C]

You're a hero.

[D]

You're.

[C]

You're an actual. This is why you officiated my wedding. This is why you are one of my actual heroes in life.

[D]

Stop it.

[C]

Because I was leading into. I'm just going to say it. And this is going to catch a lot of people by surprise. One of the worst moments in this Life in this place called Earth is that moment where somebody starts to tell you about a funny video and then they pull it out.

[D]

That's horrible.

[C]

And it's. I have to fake like I'm interested. We have to wait for them to pull it up, then they show it to you, and you have to start acting. You have to. Oh, man. Yeah, that cat does lack, like, people. Oh, that. That's. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's really. Just leave your phone in your pocket.

[D]

Eric, would you say this is the gripe of 2025 for you?

[C]

I think I. Yeah. And I think I want. I want actual change in 2026. I want it starting from this podcast. If you have a funny video on your phone, send it to someone to watch later. The other thing, I still. I don't drink. I still love going to bars.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Part of the joy of a bar is all of us shooting off our mouth and giving opinions that seem right are probably wrong. You know what? That was actually invented in 1973 in Dublin. Are you sure?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

What ruins that moment isn't somebody. Oh, I can actually look it up. And it's always the same kind of person. It's like, oh, I can actually. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. You're a wizard. You have the same stupid phone in your pocket. We all do.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't care. Let us be bar idiots and have uncertainty and let the bar know it all be right. You pulling it out. Oh, you know, it was actually. You know, this is. It's actually 1940 and blah, blah, blah.

[D]

Shut up. You're. You want to preserve tradition. The Cliff Clavins.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And.

[C]

And that's one of my favorite actor stories because, you know, he originally went in and auditioned for Norm, and he knew he wasn't Norm, and then he just. This is a lesson for us, Steve O. He looked at the creator, said, yeah, love the pileup. Yeah. You know, what you're missing is the bar know it all. I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, yeah, Every bar is a know it all shooting their mouth off. And then they wrote the part for him.

[D]

He created a character in the testing room.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Amazing.

[C]

And these phones. And I'll tell you what, they can at times be trying. The Cliff Clavins of the world are vital and necessary, and you learn from them. And the idea of. Now that this has replaced the bar, know it all. No. No. So our friends listening at home, if you're in a bar and somebody's shooting their mouth off and. And again, is this probably me. Sure. Doesn't matter. And. And you're like, oh, we can actually figure this out. No, you can't. I think if I owned a bar, which, Steve, I hope one day we do. Imagine you, me, Jake, and Gareth owned a bar. Oh, I would say cell phones in the pocket, no pictures, no anything. You can't do anything. You can't settle debates with your phone. And also, we're going to say it right now. Nobody wants to see a funny video you saw. Well, I also think email it, text it, remind yourself later if it's so wonderful, if it's so cutting edge, if it's. If it's the Lower east side in the early 70s, you'll remember to seven to send it, if it's truly artistic greatness. But I think we got to stop this, Steve.

[D]

I. I agree. I also, I think it even bleeds over into other directions, too, where, like, you know, the whole classic, like, bong room, dorm hit, you know, chatting sessions about what it all means. Like, man, what if the dollar bill is really, like, a free maze? It's like. It's like some of those rumblings. While, like, I'm sure a lot of people hate. Hated that stuff. I loved it. I love, like, you know, that kind of stoner, like, what if, man? And now people like, well, there's no what if, because this actually happened here. I'm like, okay, like you said, you pull out your phone, you have these fact checkers in real time where I'm like, look, I'm not trying to, like, talk about facts. I'm just theorizing on something that may or may not have any merit. But it's fun. It brings up good conversation, you know, like deep consciousness conversations.

[C]

So that was a fun little thing. You're seeing different side of Steve. We're not all sunshine and biscuits. We have issues. We are asking for society to do better in 2020. We are the beta testers for these phones. Put in your headphones. We don't want to see your cat videos. Email them to us and let us watch them at home. And if you're in a bar trying to settle a debate, that's an issue with you, friend.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Leave that phone in your pocket.

[D]

I am 90% biscuit.

[C]

Yeah, that's why you're here, buddy. That's why you're the biscuit on the gravy, Big daddy. Come on. That's why we're a great combo. Here we sit. I hear we have a caller. We're very excited.

[D]

Let's go.

[E]

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[F]

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[C]

Caller, you are now on Weird. Here to help with Eric Edelstein and Steve Berg. What is your name and where are you calling from?

[D]

Oh, love it.

[G]

Hi, my name is Ellen. I'm calling from Melbourne in Australia.

[C]

Ooh, wow. Oh, it's a joy to meet you. We're so glad. What time is it over there? Right now?

[G]

It's a very respectable 10am roundabout.

[C]

Beautiful, beautiful. I'm glad we could coordinate everything.

[D]

Let me ask. Eric, can I ask a real quick question before I forget?

[C]

Yeah, please.

[D]

I'm not. I'm not. I'm being. I'm being sincere when I say this. I am one of those few Americans who loved Crocodile Dundee. Actually, I like the second one better.

[C]

Oh, my God, no.

[D]

Is Paul Hogan a big deal? Like in Australia?

[G]

Look, these days, not so much. I think at the height of his career, he was, like, a little bit of. Kind of like a. Like a kitschy thing that we were sort of into. But, yeah, he's. He faded into obscurity a little bit.

[C]

Okay, aside from Crocodile Dundee, if we had to ask you, what is your favorite movie?

[G]

My favorite movie?

[D]

Please say BMX Bandits with Nicole Kidman.

[C]

No, I.

[G]

My favorite movie is actually probably An.

[H]

American Werewolf in London.

[G]

That is.

[D]

Oh, that's a good one.

[C]

That's a great one. That's really. This is our fun new one rolling today because I talked about visiting a grave when I was in Greenville, South Carolina. If you had to pay tribute and go to any famous person's grave, who would it be?

[G]

I really have no idea. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know, some heinous war criminal and I could, like, vandalize it or something, but I really. I do not have a name off the bat, unfortunately.

[C]

No. I love that. Well, no, that answer just gave us the exact insight. We know that you came from. That place is very cool. Okay, you're on. Weird. Here to help. We are weird. We're guessing you're weird if you're here. So what is going on? How can we help you today? Your fellow weirdos unite.

[G]

Yes. Wonderful. So a couple weeks ago, my fiance had his wisdom teeth removed, and we were. I've been lucky enough that the dentist, like, let us keep the teeth, but.

[D]

Nice.

[G]

Now that I have them, I don't know what to do with them, but I feel like I would be missing out on, like, a widow opportunity if I didn't, like, I don't know, turn them into some kind of, like, tasteful interior decor. But I don't know. I don't know how to achieve that.

[C]

So. Yeah.

[G]

Do you guys have any ideas of how I could decorate my house with human teeth?

[D]

So there's two. It's a set of two. You have two. Two wisdom teeth. Right. And those are pretty big from. From what I'm gathering. Right. They're a larger.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I mean, first off, just looking at him, how are you not trying to make those into earrings? Some tasteful gold wiring around them, right?

[H]

Yes.

[C]

I mean, that's the greatest earring right, I've ever seen right there. And it says you love your fiance.

[G]

Yes.

[C]

Actually, beyond a legally binding document, you're wearing his wisdom teeth for earrings. That's a lot cooler than Billy Bob and Angelina wearing each other's blood around their necks.

[D]

I will say, while it's cool on paper, my initial. My initial reaction to someone, I'm like, oh, that's an interesting. What is that, scrimshaw or something? And you're like, no, it's my husband's wisdom tooth. I'm like, anyway, cool. Nice to meet you. I'm out of here.

[C]

Like, no, but. But fellow weirdos will know. That's awesome. Are you kidding?

[D]

Fellow weirdos are gonna.

[G]

It could be a good litmus test to find out who's cool and who's not.

[C]

If somebody's weirded out, they're not our friend. They're not weird. Here to help.

[D]

I will say. Just look, let me get this out. I think some people might think you got serial killer vibes if you're wearing a human tooth around your neck. Call me crazy, but, like, I would.

[C]

I mean, like, yeah, you know, shark teeth.

[D]

Like, look, there's a lot of people out there. Like, I don't care what people think of me. No one. No one's like that. Everyone cares what people think of them. I'm sorry, That's. It's bullshit. I agree. I worry people are going to get the wrong idea. And also, like, when you're wearing something that you have to explain to people and they explain why you're not crazy, it's gonna. I think it's gonna cause more problems than it's worth. Look, it's an option. It's the funniest option, probably, but what if you, like. What if you had, like, a little Cabbage patch Kid and you kind of, like, glued those. Glued those to the Mouth of the Cabbage Patch Kid.

[G]

Yeah, I don't.

[D]

I don't mind.

[G]

I don't mind that idea.

[C]

Or I think the idea of a doll. Or even like, if you have like a chupacabra doll and you use those for the. For the teeth. That's fun. I'm still. I still do. Like the earrings. Yeah, yeah. The actual fangs. And then so it's just kind of sitting there. And then when people. And if they're already in your home, you know, they're weird and they get you. No, you know, the fact you said the grave you'd see would be to. To vandalize a war criminal. I love it. And this is all right in line with that.

[D]

Now here. Here's a. Here's a twist on Eric's really good suggestion. I mean, I love.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[D]

Is your fiance's mother alive?

[G]

Yes, she is. Yes.

[D]

Do you have a decent relationship with her?

[G]

Yeah, I certainly do. And she's also. She's also quite weird. So she'd probably be game for whatever.

[H]

You'Re about to suggest.

[D]

What if you make like, you know, so you take Eric's idea, but instead of you wearing it, you give it to her as a gift. Here's your son's tooth. You literally gestated and made these teeth.

[C]

And she's weird. We love her.

[D]

And then even so, you could take one, make it into a really pretty necklace. You could also take one and then go to a geographical. Geographical point of significance and bury it.

[C]

Ooh. It's a powerful ceremony.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And make an intention.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, make an intention.

[C]

Yeah. Like whatever your dream is as a couple, you let that wisdom bring it forth.

[G]

Yeah, okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[G]

Kind of like a little, like almost like little like friendship. Little friendship pendants. Except where burying them and giving them to mother in laws. I like that.

[C]

You could do that other thing. I love if you don't want to do that. What about a special goblet for occasions? And then you embed the teeth in the bottom of the goblet. I can just kind of see it. And then you just give somebody a very special visit of their house. A drink in that goblet.

[D]

Yeah.

[G]

Well, my fiance and I actually do have a tradition that when we have a big milestone or we celebrate something and we pop a bottle of champagne, we actually keep the corpse and we write the date and the occasion. So we could incorporate a tooth goblet into that little ritual, and that would fit in very well.

[C]

Oh, I love this.

[D]

This is really good. Now if you want a more rascally esque option.

[C]

And we do.

[D]

And we do. And who doesn't love a free meal? You go to your not actually go to a restaurant that you don't like very much like a chain restaurant. And then you bite into your food like, oh my God. And then you like pull the tooth.

[C]

Oh, that's genius. And you're like, oh my God, that's genius.

[D]

I literally lost my tooth on this meatloaf you gave me. And then all of a sudden you're getting free meals right and left and you're, you and your fiance can put that down payment on that van that you wanted.

[C]

I mean, you're saving money and record it all because you might be able to have a moment very similar to my all time favorite Australian. Who is that guy that got dragged out by the police trying to have a succulent Chinese meal? Have you seen that video? He's my hero. My ultimate dream in life is to play this gu guy. I deeply relate to him.

[D]

Yeah, he's amazing.

[C]

I deeply, I don't think he was conning anyone, but he's one of my heroes. But you go, you bite into it and if they call the cops, you record it. And then you are Succulent Meal 2.0. It's going to go crazy on YouTube and you just have to share some of the proceeds again because you blew up on YouTube. Everyone Google succulent Chinese Meal Australia.

[D]

You're going to watch video of all time.

[C]

It honestly probably is the best video ever.

[D]

It is. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[C]

And he's, he's Stevie's a lot like me. He's a man of principle and passion, standing up for what's right.

[D]

The nice thing is about the picture of the teeth we saw. I saw four distinct large chunks, maybe a couple like stragglers. You have options. I mean like if I'm you, I have fun with it. I'm like, I'm one. A part of it is going to my mother in law. What a great gift. Number two, you do a little ritual with your fiance. You go to geographical place of significance for both. You bury it. Do a ritual. Have a Foster's. Boom.

[C]

Lovely day Snow Foster. Steve, why there's no shrimp on the barbie?

[D]

It's not a bad beer. Like, I'm so. What? Like if someone said like, oh, you have a Budweiser, I'm in America, I wouldn't be offended by that, buddy. What?

[C]

I also, I, I love the goblet. I think the goblet, the goblin. It's a fun chance for some arts and crafts time as a couple, which is really vital, I think.

[D]

Yeah. And I do think. I do think at least going to a chain restaurant, someone who's not gonna miss the meal, you know, that they have to absorb. And you play the tooth falling out trick.

[C]

Oh, and then just keep the tooth. You can do both. You do the tooth falling out at Outback, after you bite into your Alice Springs chicken, make a big scene, record it on YouTube saying you're just trying to have a succulent meal. Then you go and you turn it into a goblet.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Best of both worlds.

[D]

Here you are just trying to have a, you know, chicken teriyaki with some rice and steamed broccoli. You bite into that chicken teriyaki, your tooth falls out. Boom. That's gratis. That's a gratis meal on the house.

[C]

Oh, no, they're not going to charge you. You just got a free meal thanks to two big guys.

[D]

Yeah. And you might get a T shirt and a gift card too.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[G]

My. My fiance. My favorite thing about him is that the part of the human brain that feels shame, he does not have that.

[I]

So he would be.

[G]

He would be amazing at faking some kind of. Some kind of culinary disaster at a restaurant.

[C]

You're marrying up and you're awesome, but I'm still. You're marrying up someone with literally no propensity. For shame. Oh, I wish I lived in Australia. I'd come over tonight. So record him doing the toothpick at this restaurant. And especially if it's a restaurant that's problematic. That deserves this. Check Yelp reviews a. No problem there. If he has no shame, truly record it, get kicked out, do the second meal, then keep the teeth, get the free meal, and then turn it into a goblet.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, this.

[G]

Yeah, I think.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

And you could get a lot of mileage out this tooth falling out. I'm like. Let's say you go like, wow, it worked so easy. We got a free meal, plus a gift card and free dessert and some T shirts. I mean, look, you hold on that tooth, and every once in a while, you bust out the con.

[I]

Ah.

[C]

You're on a gravy tray with biscuit wheels.

[D]

Absolutely. Dip, dip, dip. Eat, eat, eat.

[C]

Boom.

[G]

Yes. That sounds. That sounds amazing. I think I'm definitely the sort of. The goblet angle, I think, fits into our life perfectly. I think that's 100% locked in as for the teeth falling out at a restaurant, I will have to pitch him on that. But he surprises me sometimes with what.

[H]

He'S game to do.

[G]

Yes.

[D]

I love it. Yeah. This guy sounds like a legend you're marrying. It sounds like you're marrying a wonderful human being.

[J]

Yes.

[H]

Yes.

[J]

That is.

[G]

That is correct. That's. That's why I said yes.

[D]

So I love it. When are you guys getting married?

[G]

Well, when he proposed, we were actually overseas on a really long, very expensive trip. So now that we're engaged, we're kind of, like, broke again. So the next time that we have, like, $2 to rub together, that's probably when the wedding's gonna be. But we're not in a rush at the moment.

[D]

Well, I'll tell you what. This is the perfect time to use that tooth comb, because you'll get some free meals out of it. Yeah, Nothing tastes better.

[G]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[D]

Nothing tastes better than a free meal.

[C]

Especially when you're trying to. Free is a very good price. It's a great Tom Peterson. And. And then also, you can incorporate the goblet in the wedding. Oh, what'd you say?

[G]

Completely. Completely.

[C]

The goblet's gonna be incorporated in the wedding, Steve.

[D]

Yeah, completely. Beautiful. It's all.

[C]

And then we would love to send a message for the wedding as well, if you'd like that.

[G]

Oh, that would be very sweet. Look, it's a long way off, judging by the state of my bank account. But, hey, maybe I can go to one of my favorite restaurants, fake the two thing, and then I can extort them into doing the catering for my wedding for free.

[C]

That's beautiful. And never be afraid, because the wedding's about the love, and my wedding was 900 bucks. We did it at the Burbank Lodge, Steven. So you lead with love and don't follow the trend to have a crazy expensive wedding. Yeah, it does, because people actually enjoy a less expensive wedding.

[D]

You get a keg of bear, some, like, a little. Little mini sausages. Call it a day.

[C]

Do it. Do it out on a field, on a bluff. But the main thing we need is a union of two legends coming together. And we're so excited we're now part of it. We're deeply immeshed in this.

[D]

Yeah, we'll be at the wedding.

[G]

Yes, yes, for sure. We'll send the. I'll send the invites in the mail.

[C]

I would at least like an invite I was gunning for. And I think we might have gotten.

[D]

Eric, you and I in Australia.

[C]

Oh, please. And Gas Huge. Over Gareth. Gareth. Gareth can't walk the streets without being bothered in Australia.

[D]

So we'll just write off Gareth's coattails and, you know, have a great day.

[C]

Done. We'll continue. This is a whole coattail writing experiment. It's work. Done. And the goblet's going to be in the wedding. It's going to seal it at the end with a kiss and a drink from a goblet with wisdom teeth.

[G]

Oh, absolutely Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

[C]

We love it. We're so glad. So we kind of feel like we help, but will you please keep us informed and let us know everything that happens?

[B]

Yes.

[G]

Absolutely. Yes. Thank you so, so much for all of your.

[C]

It was an honor to meet you, friend. This was.

[D]

I don't think we'll ever get a call exactly like this, ever. So this was a beautifully unique and wonderful call.

[C]

No. And he doesn't say it to everyone.

[D]

I know.

[C]

This was very meaningful to us, and we thank you.

[D]

Yes. Wonderful call, Ellen. Thank you.

[J]

Okay.

[G]

Thank you guys so much for all of your help today.

[C]

Awesome. And I'm sorry for Steve bringing up Crocodile Dundee. Sorry. One. That's his reference. This is not iron. It's not only dated, it's the most obvious one ever.

[D]

That's not a knife. This is a knife.

[C]

Oh, God. Thank you so much. Please keep us informed on the wedding. Please don't listen to my friends.

[D]

I like Fosters, too. I'm gonna have one tonight.

[F]

God.

[C]

All right, we'll see you at our back steakhouse. Thank you so much.

[H]

See you then.

[C]

Bye, guys.

[E]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Do you like building websites, Elizabeth?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Do you know an easy place where you could build a website? Squarespace.squarespace.com. a sponsor of the podcast. We're here to help. Thanks, Elizabeth.

[F]

We adore Squarespace. My website is Squarespace. My other podcast, the Dollops website, is Squarespace. Every website I am associated with is Squarespace. I am currently working with one of the callers behind the scenes on a website. And we're going Squarespace because they do it all for you. They make it easy for you to get involved in the website game. And you have to have a website. I mean, what are we doing here? They've got everything. They have cutting edge design, SEO tools. You know, I'm a big SEO tools guy. Search engine optimization. That's me, baby. If you want to set up a place for donations, videos, it's just every way you can up your legitimacy online, Squarespace is there for you. And like I said, Right now I'm working very closely with a caller and I am shark tanking her business. And we're using a Squarespace site and we've used Squarespace on the show tons of times because user friendly, makes it look legit, and can't say enough good stuff about it. I mean, that's why we talk about Squarespace all the time. So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[D]

Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to Weird. Here to help with Eric Edelstein and Stephen Berg of Omaha, Nebraska. Of the Omaha Bergs. May I ask? May I ask.

[I]

Hey, guys.

[D]

Hey, homie. What's your name and where are you calling from?

[I]

I'm Parker and I'm calling from Arizona right now. But I'm originally from Utah. I'm with family right now.

[D]

Where in Utah?

[I]

Like the Provo area.

[D]

Oh, I've been in Provo. Sure, sure. I mean, the Topanaga Mountains. I got lost there in those mountains one time. Parker, just so we can get a flavor of where you're coming from and who you are. If you were on a deserted island and you could take one book, one movie, and one album, what would they be, without thinking about it at all, shooting. Go, Parker, shoot.

[C]

Probably the Bible.

[I]

That's a good movie.

[C]

That. This. This. Already know where he's at.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. That'd be so interesting.

[I]

It's just, you know, it's long.

[D]

So it's long and a lot to like. A lot to chew on. A lot to chew on.

[C]

That would be Bob Dylan's book. He said Bible. There's tons of good stuff in there. I love all the stories. Run. Imagine going out to the Open Coliseum and he's playing gospel music. That's. That's what he did. Okay, so we got the Bible and what else we got?

[I]

I really like the movie Radio. I don't know if you guys know that.

[C]

Oh, Cuba Jr. P. Cuba.

[I]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm Radio. I'm. Yeah, I remember that movie.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

You are Radio.

[D]

I am Radio.

[C]

You're the Radio. The weirdo.

[D]

I. I am definitely the Radio.

[I]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. And what album, buddy?

[I]

Probably I'm really into the new twenty one Pilots album.

[D]

Okay. Okay. Are you. You're a young man then, with young tastes. I like this.

[I]

Yeah, I'm like 26.

[D]

Oh, God. A golden year.

[C]

Golden, young taste. Throwing out radio in the Bible.

[D]

Radio in the. That's young man. It all comes back around.

[C]

The Bible's on a big comeback with the youth.

[I]

It's in now.

[C]

It's in. It's deeply. But no, this is why we do this. We have a greater, better understanding of where you're coming from and we love it and we're here to help. So what is going on, my friend?

[D]

Yeah. Talked with Parker.

[I]

Yeah. So I need help knowing. Figuring out what to do with our haunted animatronic Christmas tree.

[C]

Oh my God.

[I]

About two or three years ago my wife 94 year old grandmother gave us a animatronic Christmas tree that she got secondhand at a like a thrift store that she just thought was the cutest thing ever. And so we've had it and we had it up. I lived with my parents in their basement for a bit and we had it up one year and it started going off while it was turned on. And so we decided, okay, we're going to just have it be still, you know, decoration. And took the batteries out. And the next year, 20, 23 we pulled it out and a few days in it started moving and lighting up again.

[C]

What?

[F]

Yeah.

[I]

So the batteries were out. Had been out for the entire year.

[C]

Parker, are you serious?

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

You have a demon Christmas tree. Just FYI. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[I]

And then we thought, we thought it would be like there's no way it's going to happen again this year. And then it started moving and our two year old son started freaking out.

[C]

No.

[F]

When you didn't even realize.

[C]

Because a two year old knows a two year old male is thin. We get our collect our relationship with whatever you want to call it. The great beyond the big kahuna source energy. God. We get that kind of educated. They try to shove it away. Kids know and sometimes dogs know. Have any animals had any interactions with this tree? I bet they're freaked out by it.

[D]

Before I, I just. So I can get a picture. When you see the tree moves like what kind of animatronics is a tree doing? Because I'm having a hard time picturing it, man.

[C]

I've got a video.

[F]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't even want to see it. I'll be on. I'm very freaked out.

[D]

Close your eyes.

[C]

I'm not sure I'm a very spiritual man. I, I think, I think we know where this is. This stuff freaks me out.

[D]

I have a trained diet, Parker. I'll be able to diagnose with fast and no spirituality.

[F]

And Parker, just so you know.

[C]

Yeah, I love that Steve. I'm glad to hear That I have a little bit. Okay. Yeah, it's. It's a great gnostic mystery. It's my own. Yeah, yeah, it's your own deal.

[D]

I'm very gnostic.

[C]

You know, spirituality is a buffet, babe. Take whatever you want, and it's a Vegas buffet.

[D]

Go, Jesse. We're not gonna stop. Just.

[F]

Parker, I've got no audio on this video, so I'm just gonna play it, and if there's any audio for them to be aware of after, just let us know.

[D]

Okay? We'll describe what's happening.

[F]

It's not your fault.

[C]

It's my fault.

[F]

Okay, so here's the first one.

[C]

Oh, my God. I'm so scared that that is less a Christmas tree and more a demon incarnate.

[D]

We're looking at a green Christmas tree that is very demonic in. In appearance, and it is about a foot high, and its head is spinning around in no kind of discernible organized fashion. It's just kind of like making these random bobs and weaves.

[C]

Parker, are you telling me this tree is not plugged in or have batteries in it at that point?

[I]

Has zero batteries?

[C]

Parker. Yeah. You already know what to do, buddy. Your book was the Bible. You know what we're dealing with right now.

[D]

You know, brother, if we're speaking in, like, you know, just hypothetical terms and theorizing and speculating. Here. You said this belonged to your grandma.

[I]

Well, so it was gifted to us by.

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

It was like, our first year of marriage was like our first Christmas decoration. So that's kind of one of the reasons why it's been tough for us to get rid of. And then the second one, once it came out the second time and started doing it this year, my wife was like, I don't. If there's a spirit attached to it, how can I throw it in the dump and just have that spirit? Like, am I counted, like, accountable for that?

[D]

I hear that.

[I]

I'm okay with throwing it away, but my wife is kind of wrestling with that moral side of it where she doesn't know what to do.

[C]

No. Which I completely understand. And I don't think an object like this. Steve, knows much more about this than I do. I don't think you can just throw that away. I think the energy can. Hang on. Now, the first question I'll have is, what is your gut feeling when it starts doing this? Is it possible it's your grandmother giving you a kind of a cosmic psychic hello? Or does it freak everybody out?

[I]

It freaks us all out. If you could hear the audio My wife is screaming at it.

[D]

Can you kind of give your best impression of what the audio is?

[I]

Like, yeah, it's like, oh, I forgot, like, the most important part. So we named it. We named the tree. It's had a name from, like, when we first got it. It's named Bruce the spruce. And so she's yelling. She's yelling, bruce, stop. Stop moving. And then she's like, if you move again, I'm gonna kill you. And then it stops.

[C]

Like, oh, that's even scarier. Bruce wants to stay around naming it. I'm gonna tell you this. It's. I know you're not going here naming it. You gave it more power. You now have a relationship with it. And you can't just take it to the dump, because what it is, is it's energy manifesting in a tree, and it's just gonna hang on. So what we're, I think, gonna need to do one. The craziest thing is there are people that are into this stuff. Somebody just paid a million dollars for that haunted doll that the last owner died in their hotel room in their 40s.

[D]

Annabelle.

[C]

Annabelle. So what I'm thinking is it's all hoax. Well, the guy died. Steve. Yeah.

[D]

He had a cardiac arrest. I mean, it wasn't, you know. I mean, that happens in life.

[C]

Or.

[H]

Or.

[J]

Or.

[D]

Or maybe, or. Well, there is a big thing with haunted objects. I don't put a lot of credence into it because, I mean, like, they're fun ideas, but we have no evidence that this exists.

[C]

Steven, have you ever had a haunted object?

[D]

I had not. No.

[C]

Okay. Because I've had two. I've had two. I had a watch. I had a Hamilton watch that I got on ebay. And the second I haunted, the second I opened it, my stomach hurt, and I put it on, and I felt heebie jeebies, and I took it to a Reiki healer fresh for lunch. That's why. So what? That was back in my dairy days, Big daddy. So I took it to a healer, my friend April. And she wouldn't go near, and she's like, I'm not touching that thing. I think someone was murdered wearing the watch.

[D]

How many?

[C]

So I got rid of staff. Pardon?

[D]

How many healers do you have on staff?

[C]

I have, like, seven right now. Mostly females. You live longer if you go to female doctors. That's a proven fact.

[D]

How many cults are you a member of?

[C]

Just mine, baby. Just mine. I'm a leader. And that's the whole reason I'm here. Thank you. Jake Johnson for giving me my intro to this giant fan base. Then I also once had a haunted baseball card. I collect baseball cards. I still do. For a while, I was into the 1919 Black Sox scandal. And then now I don't want to celebrate guys that were crooked. But I got this Chick Gandal minor league baseball card, and I got it. And it was like the Vigo the Carpathian painting in Ghostbusters 2. This thing was alive. And I immediately put it on ebay and flipped it. Same as that watch. I wanted that watch bad. I got rid of it because, buddy, there was a bad energy in these things. I think someone was murdered wearing that watch, Steve.

[D]

Okay, okay, okay. I'd like to get into some more of these details about this Christmas tree, if you don't mind. Okay. So like, a lot of people, when they have Christmas, they have Christmas decorations and then they store them somewhere else. Have you. Has anyone ever heard this thing go off, off when it's not Christmas? Like in the storage?

[I]

Yeah, so that's the thing. It's stored in, like, a storage unit that's away from where we're living. So no one's ever around.

[D]

And so you break it up for Christmas. And so you break it up for Christmas, the, you know, December. And then that's when the activity starts.

[C]

I'm wondering for sure coming to life in that storage unit. It's for sure infecting other things with its energy. Just let me know that the first.

[D]

Thing I would do, which is kind of a boring answer is, is that I would ask a trust friend to house this object for 48 hours and report their findings. Because if it doesn't go off for other people, then I'm starting to think there might be something weird going on.

[C]

Hey, we got this fun dog called Chucky. We kind of think something's going on. You want it for a couple days?

[D]

I would take it, of course, but like a friend.

[C]

All right, then what if we said Bruce the Spruce to Steve Berg? How about that? You want this thing in your home?

[D]

Yes. Actually, you know what?

[C]

All right, here we go. Path to healing.

[D]

I actually think we have a solve here. I will. If you want to. I will if you want, I will give you my PO Box number. You can send this to me and I will do a full investigation study on this thing.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. And the shipping will be paid for by Jacob S. Johnson of Hollywood, California.

[D]

I will be billing you.

[C]

Go ahead and you ship that FedEx today. New girl residuals are going to pay.

[D]

For that, but I mean, so this is one option. I think opening option is you send to an expert like me, who is clearly not an expert. But I will put it through its paces. I will do all my paranormal testing. I'll do some dousing rods on it. I will use my ghost box to try to verbally communicate with this thing.

[C]

Steve, why is a ghost box so.

[D]

A ghost box is a. Is a, you know, your kind of industry standard EVP machine, which is electronically voice phenomenon.

[F]

Never mind, never mind.

[D]

Sorry I asked.

[C]

I'm glad you asked.

[D]

No, but yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's basically a way to communicate with this thing. I don't know if it works, but I've tried it and I've got some interesting results in certain dwellings. However, I would say one option is you send it to old Steve Berg. I will do. I'll spend a week with it. I won't tell my wife, my poor wife, who forbids me from bringing things like it is. But this is for work.

[C]

This is for the spruce follows her to work. You have to have this conversation. I made my wife get rid of. When I bring in any vintage object I believe carries the energy the people that had it before, most of the time it's good. But I will absolutely, without trying to appropriate anyone else's stuff, I will burn some sage and some palo santo and read some holy words that are important to me or song lyrics to say, we appreciate the service you had before. You're here now. We're clearing the energy, we're getting rid of all that stuff. You're here. And if I think something's still in there, I'll flip that again on ebay because I think also some people are interested. I bet we could sell Bruce the spruce on ebay and we could have a charity auction. If we're here to help listeners, somebody's going to want this now famous haunted tree. But I think we let Steve get in the lab with it with the EVP machine and everything else. And I'm. I'm already slightly worried about my friend. I won't lie. I'd be without a partner here if Bruce the Spruce comes to life and kills Steve.

[D]

I'm not scared of Bruce Spruce.

[C]

Another that makes one of us.

[D]

Another option would be that you see it.

[C]

It came to life with no batteries. It wasn't plugged in. Steve.

[D]

Well, here's my next question. Is there you know what? Obviously somewhere on this tree you'll be able to get more information. Maybe a serial number or the maker of the tree look into the makers of the tree see if they in our cult history also. Is there a solar panel? I have like a lot, I use a lot of solar. Like all my lights inside my house or solar. You know, I'm a real hippie, dippy solar guy. But a lot of toys now do have a solar thing so they can be charged up by batteries if the solar stops working or may be operating under solar. So if there's a beam of light coming into your house and there might be a solar panel somewhere weird on that that you just haven't seen and that might charging it up and making a play. I doubt that's the case.

[C]

But I mean 94 year old grandmother probably didn't have solar technology. Also that thing looks less like a tree and more like a haunted demon.

[D]

It does.

[C]

And I feel very comfortable. And this is why we ask favorite book, music, movie to know where you're coming from from a spiritual perspective of like, you know, I think you got to use the armor of God to get rid of this thing and send it to Steven.

[D]

I mean you could call a local priest to come exercise it. You know, like there, there's a lot.

[C]

Of possible recourses willing to take this on first. But now I'm immediately worried about you. Don't worry about me, cats and sus.

[D]

I'm a strong warlock. Don't worry about me. Yeah, I know how to protect myself. I'll do a banishing.

[C]

Do you feel comfortable sending Bruce the Spruce to Steven Berg?

[I]

Yes, of course. I think I convinced my wife that, that, that that would be a good option.

[D]

Another thing you could do is re gift it to a friend, not tell them about the phenomenon and then see if they say something. And then it's just like this. It's like a chain letter back in the 80s. Then it just starts getting past. I also, if this, if things get too serious and this thing is. Something is really messed up with this thing. I actually do know a couple named Greg and Dana Newkirk. They're wonderful people. They actually tour around the country and do haunted object shows. They're sold out and I'm personal friends with them. I could, I could have you send it to them. And then they render these things inert with magic.

[C]

What?

[D]

And then. Yeah, and then they store them at their house and they tour around the country with it. So they're haunted object specialists.

[C]

Parker, did you call into the right place or what?

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got the right guys.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Parker, they are going to email you my PO Box number. Feel Free to send this anytime. I will do my due diligence and put it through the paces. And every, you know, kind of tool of divination will be tested upon this thing. I'm always looking to study the phenomenons, so to speak, a little closer. So this would be great opportunity for me.

[H]

Cool.

[I]

Yeah, that sounds like a great opportunity.

[D]

I'm ready. I'm ready to confront Parker.

[C]

I would go near that tree. Bigger they come, the harder they fall.

[D]

One other question. Do you store the tree in the same place every year? Is it always on that mantelpiece?

[I]

The last two. The last two years, yes, because we moved before that. I was in a different place, but.

[D]

It started on that in the same position. Right. Or did this happen before you moved?

[I]

This happened in both locations. And now it's actually on our front porch.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[I]

It's actually on our front porch because it freaked my wife out enough to where she put it on the front porch. And we haven't seen it move out there.

[D]

Okay, interesting.

[I]

So I don't know, but it did.

[D]

Move in your old place. Yeah. Okay, so I bet if we watched.

[C]

A ring camera, that thing is moving, I bet it could grab.

[D]

Also, I will say this. This. That is very good news that it happened in your old place, because that means this new place you're living in isn't. Doesn't have any weirdness going around. It is just localized to the object. Yeah. I think. I think the best thing to do is to send it into a professional, AKA old Stevo. Your old buddy Stevo. Send that into my P.O. box as soon as you can, and I will get started on my. I'll bring it down to the laboratory and I'll start testing it, and I'll take some video and I'll send to you. If this thing starts playing. I mean, my wife may let me only keep this for a few hours.

[C]

That poor woman.

[D]

And then we'll go from there. I'll get back, we'll have you back on the show. We'll figure out what's happening. I'll tell everyone my results of the test. And if we find the thing is above my pay grade, with your permission, we can send to my friend Greg and Dana Newkirk, who are true professionals when it comes to this stuff.

[C]

Parker, we're going to get you a whole bunch of answers.

[D]

Yep. A ton.

[C]

And you go and give your grandma a hug for me, okay? Yeah. Can you do that?

[D]

Grandma fans.

[C]

Are you really? Yeah. I don't have any grandparents left. It's awesome. Yours is 94. Still rolling. I love that she doesn't believe in a haunted tree, but you go give her a big hug and you let her know helps on the way.

[D]

Look at Eric garner sympathy. I don't have any grandparents left.

[C]

I don't, Steve. I'm basically an orphan by proxy.

[D]

Look at you, Tony. Tiny Tim over here looking in the window while everyone's having the ham.

[C]

Please sour more.

[D]

Arms for the poor. Oh, I'm always Tiny Tim looking in. Yeah, Parker, thanks for the call. And you know what to do. If you want, you'll have my P.O. box number. Send this thing and I will do a, you know, a stoner exorcism on this thing.

[C]

Don't tell your grandma that.

[D]

Yeah, maybe don't tell granny that.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, sounds good.

[C]

Good to meet you, Parker. You're stuck with us. We're here to help.

[D]

Happy New Year, pal.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, you guys too.

[H]

Bye.

[D]

Peace out.

[C]

Eric here. This next call is a follow up to episode 239, Pandora's Cable Box.

[D]

Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to Weird. Here to help you have Eric Edelstein, Gareth Reynolds, and myself, Steve Berg. I hear you're a follow up. Talk to us. Remind us of what went down.

[H]

So, my name's Annie. I had originally called because my dad let my five year old watch Ghostbusters on Halloween.

[D]

Also, also, I was Annie, if you don't know. Mind me sharing this a little. In your face. In your face. To Gareth, Eric and Jake. You messaged me on Instagram saying the only reason that your mother agreed to document this situation is because of my love of the culinary arts. Is that true?

[H]

Yes. Yes. She listened to the episode and she. Before she listened to the episode where it came out, she was very against it and told me that I was, you know, causing her stress. And then she listened to the episode and heard Steve's reaction to her pizza and was like, okay, I'll record a video of them, guys.

[C]

Well, parents love Steve Berg. My parents love. They ask all the time. They're thrilled I'm working with him. He's a charmer. But Steve Berg, then they leave, then.

[F]

He shuts the door and he goes, you better not embarrass me in front of those people like that again. And you're like, what? And he's like, don't with me. I have a status here.

[D]

I'm trying to preserve.

[F]

And then the parents come, come back in. And he goes, oh, my God. Mrs. Reynolds, you forgot your scone, sweetheart. Oh, careful.

[D]

Watercress sandwich.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Parents Tab me for Nettie Haskell right out the gates. Yeah, yeah. And for you, Gen Z's. Look it up.

[F]

But wait, but Annie, will you just be. Say what the call was and then what the advice was? Because I don't fully remember before Steve starts taking a lap around the winner circle.

[H]

Yeah. So my. On Halloween, my dad was watching Ghostbusters. He's the one that has to watch it when like whatever movie comes on cable, he feels compelled to watch it.

[D]

I love that about your dad.

[H]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

So he's doing it right now, Annie. I love that about your dad. And then your dad leaves and he's like, annie, don't ever embarrass me.

[D]

You are on my shit list, Annie.

[F]

That's it, Annie.

[H]

So he, my five year old was having a really hard time sleeping. He couldn't be alone anywhere in the house by himself. And because you watch the chair scene where the arms pop out of the chair and pull the Gordy Weaver towards the bathroom.

[C]

And this whole thing, it's freaky.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

So the advice was to get a universal remote and change the channel or turn it off or turn the volume all the way up on him.

[J]

And I.

[H]

So I got three remotes for all three TVs in the house. But the problem with that was you had to be right in front of the television to turn it on and off. So I ended up buying the smart plugs that connect to an app on my phone and installed them on the televisions. And I've been returning them on and off.

[F]

What were you turning on and off exactly? You were just turning off all the power?

[H]

Yeah. So the plug on my phone, you can just turn the plug off and it turns the power off. And he just. He hasn't even inspected it. He's just kind of accepted it that the TV turns off sometimes.

[D]

Now, they don't make them like they used to, these Vizios.

[F]

The Vizio craze was that three years. Vizio is like, oh, my parents have a vio.

[D]

I got a vio. It still works like a charm.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Do you have the motion smoothing off, Steve?

[D]

Oh, yeah, of course I'm not.

[C]

That's. We all need to turn that off at our parents and hotel rooms. It drives me crazy.

[F]

When you're watching Friends.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Were we trying to freak him out? Because it was like paranormal.

[C]

Right.

[F]

So. So he just. So there's no scare of him. I mean, I don't. What. How do you guys feel about this?

[D]

Where did it go? So did you get. So you were the only Thing you were able to do was turn the TV on and off.

[F]

He thinks he's got faulty wiring.

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[J]

So he.

[H]

He said to my mom that he thinks there's something seriously wrong with the television in the living room. And then he said the only safe one is in the basement. He'll watch safe TV in the house, though, because I haven't. He's just. I'm not there. So I just kind of pick up on his routine when I'm home sometimes and just hope he's watching it.

[J]

It's usually.

[H]

And he said to my mom, it always turns off at the best part of the be.

[G]

So.

[H]

I know that he's always watching TV around 7 o', clock. So I'll just go on my phone, open the app and just turn the TV off. And he's kind of. He. Sometimes he gets defeated and he just stops watching tv. The. Like when it first started, he just went to bed one night and my mom was so mad at me because she was already in bed. And, you know, he came in and.

[F]

Boy, marriage is good. Your mom's furious that he's coming to bed.

[H]

Yeah, I actually, I sent. I sent. Sent a text message. She. I don't know if I can say the word, but didn't call me. Something very nice. It was a group chat between me and my sister about how I'm in his head, I'm messing with him psychologically now. So it's brought. It's brought me so much joy.

[D]

Oh, that. That's what it's all about.

[H]

I don't know how much of an impact it's having on him, but.

[F]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

I was gonna say we do have video.

[F]

Oh, let's see.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[D]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[F]

So he's on the couch.

[J]

What is it doing?

[F]

He's intently watching, shutting on and off.

[J]

It doesn't do it on this tv, though.

[F]

What's he watching?

[C]

Well, the one downstairs just in the cellar.

[F]

It's just the one down there.

[C]

I love him.

[J]

Only the one in the family room. What happens to it?

[C]

It shuts off.

[I]

It comes back on.

[D]

As soon as.

[F]

You turn it on.

[C]

The Pick of the Teeth cable, it goes to hdmi.

[D]

Oh, we got him. He is trying to diagnose a problem.

[C]

I feel slightly guilty because he's clearly a very cool man, but we got him. It does it automatically now.

[I]

You turn it on and it goes to the other.

[F]

The level of.

[H]

What do you think he's more upset by that?

[D]

No idea. Oh, payback I mean, he.

[G]

I think.

[D]

I mean, I think you got him.

[C]

Can we do hear the no fucking idea. Just one more time. We might have to pull that out as, like a clip.

[J]

What do you think's going on?

[D]

No fucking idea. You know, you can tell he has thought about this, diagnosed it every which way possible.

[C]

No, it's driving him crazy. This is what happens when you mess around with one of our listeners. We will get you. We'll get you good, but we'll get you with love.

[H]

But my mom texted me that he woke up in the morning, he was still thinking about it, like, one night, how the TV was turning on and off. But, like, that's just his thing. He'll. Something could be wrong in the house, and he just accepts it and learns how to adapt. But the biggest thing, he's not obsessed, but he's more upset. Like, the tv, when you turned it on, used to just go straight to cable, but now it goes to Amazon Prime. I don't know how that happened, but it just did. So he adapted to sitting with the remote so he can turn on, like, change the input Now.

[D]

Now, I think what's on the minds of every listener out there, whether you're going to work, whether you're mowing the lawn. Listen to this. Whatever. Everyone wants to know. Did you also try the maple syrup in the refrigerator? No, no, hold on.

[F]

I thought about it.

[C]

Everyone's wondering about this pro maple syrup, Gareth. And I thought it was a portal to madness.

[D]

Everyone.

[F]

Everyone is mowing their lawn right now, wondering, hearing about the maple syrup before we get to the maple syrup. Do we call this a win? Because the point was to make her kid not have to sit through scary parts, but instead, now her dad just thinks he has an HDMI issue. When the kids. Like, we've created. We've created.

[C]

Huge win.

[F]

Revenge. Yeah, but we haven't solved the problem, really, have we not?

[H]

Well, yeah, because. Because I have control of the TV on my phone now. So whenever I go over, if he's just watching something, I turn it off. And he'll even say when he walked in, grumpy, are you watching something scary? And my dad's like, no, I'm not. Like, he gets upset now. So you've taken the car? I just turn it off.

[F]

Okay.

[H]

I've taken control of the TV before.

[F]

We find out about the. That's a bell ring.

[D]

Oh. Oh.

[C]

Rang. Patriarchy. Defeated.

[F]

All right, so, Steve, ask your question. That everyone who's sitting in traffic or mowing their lawn.

[D]

No, I. I just you know, like I'm. I'm very good about. Very good at putting myself in the listeners heads right now. And I just can imagine everyone listening to this right now is like, did she also in addition tried the brilliant maple syrup trick where you just start.

[F]

Where you put maple syrup somewhere and you slowly start to reduce it and freak him out?

[D]

Yes, that's exactly.

[H]

I thought about it.

[F]

Yeah, that's where it should have ended.

[H]

I felt like the TV wasn't like messing with him enough and I'm like, maybe I really just should try to. Maple syrup.

[D]

I think, I think if you want, if you want a little. If you want to feel the deal.

[F]

With that because we sealed the deal.

[D]

What will work will genuinely be a mystery.

[C]

That is.

[D]

I mean, imagine if I look over to your house.

[C]

Look how, look how mystified he is by just the remote. Maple syrup will take it to another level. It's spiking. The ball will not.

[D]

Yes, it will. Because if, if, if, if, if, if her mom. If, if the dad's wife is like, I don't buy maple syrup. This is not me. I don't know why. You must have bought it and forgot about it. He's like, am I going mad? Who? Or did someone's break in? Is there a ghost? He having pancakes in my house? Like, I think the maple syrup thing is the ultimate. It's with.

[C]

I'm with him. It's sub.

[F]

Eric, are you really?

[C]

Nah.

[F]

Okay. Thank you.

[C]

It's insane.

[H]

I can ask her.

[J]

She's here.

[H]

If I can ask her if I really mess.

[C]

Let's talk to her. Let's talk to her.

[H]

Okay, hold on. Let's get ready for the new England accent.

[C]

So does he know? Does your dad know yet?

[H]

No, he has no idea. I'm not going to tell him.

[F]

And we're going to keep it.

[C]

We're not going to tell him because I tell him right now with a smile on my face.

[D]

Unless he's going to buy him too.

[H]

Because it brings me joy. It does bring me joy.

[F]

Look, that's over here for. We're on your side.

[H]

No, you can't put on speaker. Hold on.

[I]

Hello, Mom.

[C]

Hi. How you doing? You're on the hit podcast. We're here to help.

[J]

Oh, I'm so thrilled.

[C]

Well, we're so glad we could kind of help out here and allow you the upper hand in your marriage and in your family. And it's. We love the video. You took an incredible video and we're very, very happy with results. Yeah, you did great. 10 out of 10.

[D]

Photography.

[J]

Yeah. Thank you. He looked at me. He's like, at the end, he's like, why do you have the light on? I'm like, oh, it must be my flash.

[F]

That's so fun.

[C]

We needed the confusion on his face in high def. You didn't.

[F]

And then we could see him pick his teeth with his fingernail and very clearly.

[D]

Yeah. And, Mom, I have a question for you. Now, when you were making those wonderful homemade pizzas I heard about a few weeks ago, was there, like, a salad? Was there, like a nice green salad to go along with that?

[F]

What?

[C]

Let him have this.

[G]

Every.

[F]

Why?

[J]

Every house needs to have the makings for a salad at any time.

[D]

I agree. I agree. Yeah. What do you put in?

[J]

I always pickle vegetables.

[D]

Smart. Me too.

[C]

I want it.

[F]

You too?

[J]

I always have pickled onions. Artichoke.

[D]

Me too.

[F]

Why do you two act like you live in a shanty in the mountains where none of this.

[C]

You could go so good? I don't have pickled onions. Let her finish.

[D]

Let her finish.

[C]

Yeah. You're hungover on wine. Judging.

[D]

You pickle everything. Obviously, the pickling. The pickling is going to have some really strong flavors, so you probably only use a really light salad dressing to guessing.

[C]

Let him have this.

[F]

Yeah, well, I mean, listening.

[J]

In Rhode island, we're mainly Italian, so. Yeah, either oil and vinegar.

[D]

Perfect.

[J]

Or something, you know, Italian balsamic vinaigrette, something like that.

[C]

I love it.

[D]

You are one of. We are one in the same. You're not gonna put a creamy dressing on a pickled vegetable. I'll tell you what. That's a sin.

[F]

I'm gonna jump in here now. Would you say your husband's situation with the TV right now is a little bit like oil inventory?

[J]

Absolutely.

[F]

They're this way. Yeah.

[J]

I don't put the TV on.

[F]

Yeah.

[J]

I grew. I grew up in a family where you watch, like, an hour of TV a week, so. I hate tv. I never. I. I don't put it on.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Smart.

[J]

It drives me nuts that he needs a hearing aid. So it's really. It's wicked loud to begin with.

[H]

With.

[J]

And then to just hear him, like, you know, just randomly go off and start swearing at the tv. Shut the up.

[C]

You are cool. We appreciate you.

[D]

So. So I'm guessing you've had. You've had enough of this bit. Then it sounds like you're like, all right, Enough.

[J]

Yeah. I mean, we've been married for almost 40 years.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Is that why if he comes to bed early or upset Upset.

[J]

I don't care.

[C]

Okay.

[J]

Oh, oh, oh, I forget. She's reminding me. He came to bed. Yeah. I always tell him that I have to be asleep before he can come to bed.

[F]

It's an interesting rule.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

He comes to bed like that. I'll just get up. One of us has. One of us has to be unconscious.

[D]

I get it.

[F]

So it sounds like things are good there. For sure. Do you. Have you heard of this maple syrup pitch?

[D]

Yeah.

[J]

He wouldn't care.

[F]

Yeah. Is that because he's like a regular human? It would just be like, okay, there's maple syrup and.

[D]

But. But he would. Go ahead. Sorry.

[J]

He's not even phased.

[G]

Really?

[J]

About the TV going on at all the other day, he's like, oh, you know, I was.

[C]

I. I think maybe I just need.

[J]

To change the batteries. I'm like, nature maybe. So he would not be phased by maple syrup.

[F]

Absolutely ludicrous. And makes no sense, obviously. And, you know, we're trying to create a safe space here for pitching, but at some point, you know, if a friend of ours steps in and is married to this maple syrup pitch.

[C]

Yeah. Steve's pitch.

[F]

You got to come in and out. You got to hit him on the nose with the news.

[C]

We're not doing the syrup.

[D]

It's amazing. I'm going to do it.

[C]

I'm going to. I'd love free maple syrup. It's a natural sweetener. That's. Well, it was an honor to meet you.

[E]

Absolutely.

[C]

Thank you so much for going along with our crazy plan. Yeah. And your daughter is so cool. 40 years of marriage, daughter like that, you just sit back and wonder where it all went. Right?

[D]

There you go.

[H]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[J]

I appreciate you.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And we appreciate you.

[D]

And pickling artichokes. Who knew? I'm doing. I'm gonna do that this week. Thank you.

[F]

They're available at every store.

[J]

Vegetables, hot vinegar, half water.

[C]

I love it.

[F]

Steve's never been to a grocery store. Miss, thank you for.

[D]

We don't have them in Nebrask.

[F]

Yeah. Thanks for letting us know. Well, appreciate it.

[C]

Good luck with.

[F]

Good luck with everything.

[D]

Bye, Annie. Thank you so much.

[F]

That's the mom.

[J]

Bye. Bye.

[H]

Goodbye.

[C]

We're just helping. We're just here helping. What a glorious thing.

[F]

She.

[D]

She's gone. She got. Was great.

[F]

I mean, it's a win.

[D]

It's a. It's.

[C]

Ring that bell again.

[D]

A W is a W. Yeah.

[F]

I just. It's the. It's the maple syrup thing that we just gotta. I think this is a. It's an important moment for us to get that bone away from.

[D]

You do not understand.

[F]

I don't think you understand.

[D]

I understand perfectly. You don't understand mind control like I do. This is the subtlety is how you just. It's like a little spark that becomes a brush fire, then becomes a wildfire of paranoia. The maple syrup. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse won't admit it, but Jesse's like, that's a pretty good idea.

[F]

No, he's not.

[D]

I like that.

[F]

No, that's not what was on my mind. Yeah. See, you know, here's what's great about Jesse. You think he's just going to be a sweetheart, but he will be honest and he agrees it makes no sense.

[C]

Need that. We need that.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. We're not going to die in the maple syrup hill.

[F]

Steve, also Steve, I, I, I, I think that you could try it with somebody else in your own life and report back.

[D]

I'm going to, I'm going.

[F]

Try it with yourself. Try it with yourself. Just get some maple syrup.

[D]

I bet I'll just be too.

[F]

Where the hell did that bottle go?

[D]

It looks like God is real. How did Berg not become an atheist? Well, he found maple syrup in his fridge and now he's going to church.

[C]

I love it.

[D]

He's a born again now.

[C]

Oh, bird. We're going to go to mass in Nebraska. I can't wait.

[E]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] here to help pod to see see our entire catalog.

[D]

We're Here to Help is produced by.

[C]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[F]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[G]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.