"We're Here to Help" – Episode 250: Dog Danger on the Gator Walk & Irish Hello (with Ed Helms)
Date: January 14, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Ed Helms
Main Callers: Zach (Wilmington, NC), Rachel (Denver, CO)
Episode Overview
In this milestone episode, Jake and Gareth are joined by comedic actor and podcaster Ed Helms to tackle two prime listener dilemmas—with detours into gator lore, Midwestern football disappointment, party etiquette, and legendary “Irish goodbyes.” The trio bring their trademark blend of warmth, irreverence, and (questionable) helpfulness as they dig into pressing questions about dangerous gators threatening neighborhood dogs, and how to handle a family patriarch’s party exit mischief.
Key Discussion Points
Opening Banter: Sports Heartache & Comedic Building Blocks (00:34–11:26)
- NFL Devastation: The hosts discuss the recent Packers-Bears clash and its emotional aftermath for devastated fans. Gareth laments coach decisions, team history, and the agony of being a Packers loyalist.
- Podcasting Perspective: Ed reflects on the joys of podcasting as a self-empowering evolution from indie theatre days.
- “Could you imagine if you were doing a show at UCB and you had the kind of numbers at each episode, how happy you’d be? ...You’re just back doing live shows. It’s just in your closet.” —Jake Johnson (06:09)
- Showbiz Origins: All three reminisce on performing for tiny crowds, the humility of those early years, and the peculiar intimacy small audiences create.
Segment 1: Dog Danger on the Gator Walk – Caller Zach (Wilmington, NC) (17:53–52:17)
Context & Problem
- Gator Overload: Zach’s North Carolina neighborhood is overrun with alligators (“pond hopping” between 25+ local ponds).
- Rumor Mill: An elderly neighbor claims a “12-foot gator” is eating dogs, spreading worry and keeping folks indoors.
- The Mystery: No missing pets or official notices corroborate the story; Zach is skeptical but wants to resolve the neighborhood fear spiral.
Memorable Exchanges & Quotes
- “Do you ever feel threatened or like the gators... might like come after you guys while you’re fishing?” —Ed Helms (23:06)
- “If the gator sees a little dog, it’s going to eat a little dog. Am I crazy?” —Jake Johnson (26:53)
- “You know what, this could be kind of like what happened with sharks with Jaws. It’s like creating a fear that doesn’t really exist.” —Jake Johnson (33:26)
Key Timestamps & Insights
- Gator Habits (20:21–22:28): Zach reviews the behaviors of local gators and details the old man’s claims. Reveals his regular fishing trips with his sons, and close (sometimes “eye to eye”) calls with the gators.
- Assessing the Threat (24:50–27:52): Ed asks if anyone’s actually lost a dog—Zach confirms “no”, furthering his skepticism.
- Debating Solutions (31:04–52:17):
- Meat Dog Science Experiment:
- Ed (jokingly): “Can you…make like a fake dog with…ground beef in it or something. Like a stuffed dog… and put it on the bank and see what happens?” (34:16)
- Jake: “I kind of don’t want you to do meat dog anymore.” (46:46)
- Gareth (doubling down): “I’m actually going to hold the line on meat dog.” (48:28)
- Pamphlets & QR Codes: Suggests distributing fact-based pamphlets or QR-code linked zines to halt rumor-mongering.
- Community Action: Ed suggests inviting a herpetologist (reptile expert) or using data signage to restore calm—“There’s no data to support there [being a risk].”
- Meat Dog Science Experiment:
Resolution / Advice
- Main Consensus:
- Don’t attempt to “train” gators with meat-stuffed dog dummies (“meat dog”).
- Instead, provide factual info to neighbors, via flyers, meetings, or QR codes: “Be smart. But…there’s nothing to be afraid of. There’s been zero disappearing dogs in the last year. Chill out.” —Jake Johnson (47:40)
- If curiosity wins, document the “experiment” and report results back—preferably with no “training” or risks to wildlife.
Notable Humor
- “Just the flexibility to progress toward your degree at your own pace. I like that. I don’t want to be told what to do.”—Jake Johnson, riffing on sponsor ad (14:52)
- “Teach the dogs how to run away in Z’s.”—Gareth Reynolds (36:23)
- “What are you pitching, meat tires, Jake?” —Gareth Reynolds (47:29)
Segment 2: The Irish Hello: Party Exits and Parental Boundaries – Caller Rachel (Denver, CO) (57:46–73:32)
Context & Problem
- The Disappearing Host: Rachel’s dad, Phil—a Larry David-like figure— is notorious for “Irish goodbyes” even at his own parties, leaving his family to explain his absence.
- The Dilemma: How can they help him exit gracefully (and honestly), or at least stop the awkwardness for the rest of the family?
Choice Quotes
- “I am a huge fan [of the Irish goodbye]. And also, no one cares. No one needs your goodbyes.” —Ed Helms (59:53)
Key Timestamps & Insights
- The Phil Problem (59:23–61:45): Rachel outlines that covert “Irish goodbyes” burden the family (“It’s a lot of the same lie over and over. It’s the headache.”).
- Pitches and Gags (62:04–66:56):
- Fake Phil: Use a lifelike dummy or designated “stand-in” to impersonate Phil for goodbyes/photo ops.
- “You should also, like, take pictures with him at the party and the next day, show him how fun it is with fake Phil to maybe shame [him].” —Gareth Reynolds (63:54)
- Emergency Call: Stage fake emergencies (medical or otherwise) to extract Phil mid-party, or—reverse the tactic—require him to return to the party under false pretense.
- Irish Hello: Enact a family rule: “If you Irish goodbye, we bring the party to you.” (68:01)
- “That is every member of the party willing to do it, comes into your room unannounced and hangs out wherever you are.” —Jake Johnson (68:25)
- Later Arrival: Allow Dad to arrive late to minimize his required “mingling window”—“He gets at the first 70 minutes of the party off. He can be upstairs. He makes a later appearance, but we expect another 60 on the back end.” —Gareth Reynolds (72:02)
- Lighthearted Solutions: Raccoon detectors, air horns, and “dad suits filled with hot dogs” are also floated.
- Fake Phil: Use a lifelike dummy or designated “stand-in” to impersonate Phil for goodbyes/photo ops.
Final Takeaway
- Empathy plus Boundaries:
- A mix of humor, gentle confrontation (“Irish hello”), and maybe a new family guideline (later call time, clear exit scripts).
- Underneath: love for Phil’s quirks, and willingness to play along—“I think most likely I’m going to end up siding with Dad, which is going to put you in a tough spot.” —Jake Johnson (73:20)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “You gotta wear Quince. ...If you want to dress Eric and Steve, we’ll do a little photo shoot of those two hunks. ...Looking for some new models? Quince, I got the guys for you.” —Jake (16:38) [Joking through ads]
- “There’s something about [the Packers] in big games that you’re like, they’re just not going to do it. Now, the catch is, they always have done it against the Bears.” —Jake (03:11)
- “This is gator flirt.” —Gareth, as Zach and Jake veer into friendly banter about backyard gators (19:04)
- “You’re the Caleb Williams of this relationship with Caleb Williams. You gotta come back in.” —Gareth (05:45)
Major Episode Segments with Timestamps
- [00:34–11:26] – Opening Banter, Sports Therapy & Podcast Origins
- [17:53–52:17] – Caller Zach: Dangerous Gators & Neighborhood Fear
- [57:46–73:32] – Caller Rachel: The Case of the Disappearing Party Host (“Irish Hello”)
Tone & Language
Playful, generous, sometimes absurd, with genuine camaraderie and affection between hosts and guest. The advice, earnest but rarely practical, is always underpinned by a sharp sense of humor and improv energy. Ed Helms’ warmth and gentle self-mockery (“I know one thing to be a fact about alligators, and that is that you can outrun them by zigzagging. And I will stand by that.” (43:34)) is a highlight throughout.
Conclusion
Whether discussing the ontological threat of alligators or unraveling the mysteries of the Irish goodbye, Jake, Gareth, and Ed deliver laughs and relatable insights for fans facing the weird, wild, and awkward moments of life. Their solutions? Sometimes useful, often hilarious, but always “on the caller’s side.”
For follow-ups or to submit your own dilemma, email: helpfulpod@gmail.com.
(Episode sponsors, ad reads, and credits omitted in this summary for focus on core content.)