254: Risky Business & Mom’s Favorite

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help

Episode 254: Risky Business & Mom’s Favorite
Released: January 26, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode of "We're Here to Help," Jake and Gareth take on three distinct listener dilemmas, blending comedic banter with absurdly creative advice. They coach a listener on confronting an over-cleaning spouse after too many “Risky Business” slips, plot to help an Aussie listener reclaim the coveted “favorite child” title, and follow up on a previous episode with a mom managing an awkward breakup between her nine-year-old daughter and a family friend’s son. With their trademark bartender-uncle energy, the hosts pitch their best (sometimes borderline) strategies, including staged accidents, fake surrogates, and friendship contracts—all in service of “helping” their community, even if the methods are wildly unconventional.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "Risky Business" — Too-Slippery Floors (13:14–36:02)

Caller: Reagan from Cincinnati, Ohio
Issue: Reagan's wife, Ann, is so diligent about cleaning their hardwood floors that areas of the house have become dangerously slippery, resulting in routine slips—much to Reagan’s frustration.

Key Segments & Advice:

• Identifying the Problem (13:37–16:24)

  • Reagan lovingly describes Ann as tidy and “particular,” while he is “okay with leaving the cups out for a night.”
  • The slippery flooring has led to Reagan spilling coffee, stubbing toes, and near-constant annoyance.

• The Advice Brainstorm (16:24–21:01)

  • Jake proposes a "fake fall" approach: “I was going fake fall... happens off camera. Now we do the...combo fake” (17:03).
  • Gareth expands: “She cleaned the floor. You were walking in. You fell, you hit your head. Pretend to be concussed” (17:17).
  • The hosts riff on concussion protocols and urge Reagan to use mild, believable symptoms for maximum effect, warning him not to push for a doctor’s visit.

• Practice Dialogue & Roleplay (24:39–34:48)

  • Reagan rehearses a staged scenario, including texting Ann a warning: “Oh my gosh, you’ll never guess what just happened” (25:07).
  • Jake and Gareth act out Ann’s possible compassionate but concerned responses, giving Reagan pointers on delivery, pacing, and how to steer the conversation toward changing cleaning habits.
  • Jake: “The setup of, you know, the injury and it could have been worse…leads me into being like, this is what we need to do different so I don’t get hurt. I think she’ll respect that” (33:31).

• Final Script & Strategy (34:48–36:02)

  • The conversation ends with the hosts advising Reagan to keep his pitch focused, express appreciation, and “take the gloves off” and move on after the confrontation.

Notable Moment:

• Gareth: “Don’t rub the shit in her nose. Just go like, we’re moving.” (32:21)
• Jake: “You did a great job. The dog looked adorable. We're happy. Your kids are happy.” (75:16) [refers to a later call but encapsulates the show’s supportive tone]

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2. "Mom’s Favorite" — Sibling Rivalry Down Under (41:40–61:12)

Caller: Gabby from Adelaide, Australia
Issue: After decades as the family’s “number one child,” Gabby feels outmaneuvered by her older brother Jay, who moved back to Brisbane and now spends more time with their mom—culminating in a “number one” shirt gifted by mom.

Key Segments & Advice:

• Backstory & Stakes (42:18–46:49)

  • Gabby outlines the family’s joke-turned-saga about their “rankings,” fueled by tongue-in-cheek banter among siblings but seriously threatened by Jay’s recent ascendancy.
  • Jake: “To be the baby and lose the top spot…this is a tough one, right, Jake?” (45:22)

• Advice Options (47:19–50:13)

  • Jake bluntly advises: “You want the six pack, but you want to drink beer and hang out with your friends all weekend, too. I mean, you gotta pick now.”
  • The hosts encourage Gabby to increase her “mom face-time” if she wants to compete.

• Diabolical Plan: The Fake Older Friend (51:00–58:00)

  • They propose Gabby invent a friendship with an older neighbor (played by Gareth’s real-life mom, Pam), send doctored photos, and “hard to get” tactics to incite maternal jealousy.
  • Pam records a tearjerker voice note for Gabby’s mom: “And I'm an older woman, so I really appreciate...Gabby has turned into a sort of surrogate daughter. I just wanted to let you know you've raised somebody wonderful...” (58:47).
  • The plan is to make Gabby seem cherished by another “mother” figure, triggering her mom’s latent favor.

• Execution Plan (60:46–61:12)

  • Gabby preps to set the narrative with her mom—enlisting her sister’s tech help if needed—and agrees to send a follow-up.

Notable Moment:

• Pam (as Pam): “You’ve raised someone wonderful and I’d like to get her a T-shirt that says she’s number one, because she’s number one to me, and I’m sure she’s number one to you, too.” (58:47)
• Gabby: “I love it. I think it’s a great idea.” (60:31)

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3. "Friendship Contract" — The Breakup of the Elementary Power Couple (61:28–77:12)

Caller: Dee Dee (returning caller; follow-up from ep. 247)
Issue: Her daughter’s “breakup” with a friend’s son (both around 9–10) threatened their families’ tight bond. Previous advice included drawing up an “annulment” or friendship contract.

Key Segments & Advice:

• Recap & Outcome (61:52–64:03)

  • Dee Dee outlines the “wedding game” between the two kids and praises Gareth’s suggestion for a friendship contract: “We realized that the reason they were kind of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriends was due to the fact that they played pretend weddings…” (63:01).

• Reading the Friendship Contract (64:06–65:30)

  • “A friend is someone you choose to be on your team. They are the people who make the good times more fun and the tough times a little easier…” (64:06)
  • Conditions include: no more pretend weddings, no boyfriend/girlfriend talk, focus on kindness and fun.

• Hosts Debate Utility & Follow-up (66:40–75:29)

  • Gareth is playfully skeptical: “They sign a little contract. They don’t do it anymore. Meh.” (67:16).
  • Jake insists: “This is a bell ring. We solved it.” (67:26).
  • The hosts inquire if this has genuinely solved the family’s issue and suggest a future check-in with the kids for “the real scoop.”

Notable Moment:

• Jake: “If weird smoke comes out of the back…maybe just keep going forward.” (77:20)
• Dee Dee: “It did not break apart our friendship. We still get to go over there. Honestly, they were a little awkward still. I think it solves the problem.” (71:58)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Gareth (on over-cleaned floors): “Fake fall leads to combo…you literally break a plate with a ham sandwich on it and go, ‘hey, Ann, we need to talk…’” (18:42)
• Jake (on parental favoritism): “If you really want the top spot, it’s time to step it up. I FaceTime my mother most days. She still likes my brother better.” (47:19)
• Pam (as Gabby’s surrogate neighbor): “I just want you to know you’ve raised a wonderful daughter…” (58:47)
• Jake (reflecting): “There’s no shit. I mean, this is all fake, but—yes. Move on, he’s right. Strike and leave.” (32:26)
• Gareth (playful skepticism): “I think it would be the first 69 that ended in a dual puke.” (65:36) — (on absurdist friendship rules for himself and Jake)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Risky Business call (slippery floors): 13:14–36:02
• Sibling rivalry & fake friend plan (Mom's Favorite): 41:40–61:12
• Friendship contract follow-up: 61:28–77:12

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Tone & Style

The hosts maintain their typical tone of good-natured irreverence, playful bickering, and affection for their callers. Their language is candid, sometimes absurd, and littered with “bartender/uncle” level energy. They invite participation—audience and guests alike—and are generous with mockery but even more so with their sincerity when callers need reassurance. Their interplay is peppered with bits, improv, and character-playing, but always circles back to helping the listener address their real-life problem.

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Takeaways

• Absurdity works. Whether it’s a staged concussion or recruiting a fake neighbor, the spirit is to “help”—sometimes by roundabout means—but always with empathy and humor.
• Script your confrontations. Practice—sometimes literally by role-playing with friends—helps tackle awkward conversations with loved ones.
• Sometimes the bit helps. Even when being silly, Jake and Gareth’s strategies focus on helping callers get what they want…or, at minimum, alleviating tension with a good story.

A quintessential “We’re Here to Help” episode: a little unhinged, a lot supportive—and maybe, just maybe, practically useful.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery. This is a headgum podcast. Really quickly, there have been people who saying. And I saw in the comments in an email, too much Patreon stuff. But let me just be very clear. The Patreon's its own animal.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we've started having a lot of fun over there. Steve and Gareth are doing more chats over there. They're doing a weekly show now. They're doing coffee talk. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Eric and. Eric and Bergar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once a week. We're gonna get a schedule. If you're ever free, pop up. I'm a free Bob. But they're running it. It's them.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, dear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But in terms of the main show, that's an option. But that'll never take away from this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There. There are separate animals. So when we talk about it, it's only because when we do these intros, we're just bullshitting and something funny will have happened.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We will always feed back to the main show. You do not need it. You don't miss anything from the main show. It's extra.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But with that in mind, we'd been. We had a caller. I'm not positive if the first one aired yet, about a woman. It did air, actually. The woman who cleans ears.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we were going to create. And I thought the comments did not reflect this, that Eric was comedically insane. He did it. What? You guys turned it. And we stopped making it about what her call was. And it was because you guys wanted your ears cleaned.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it. It wasn't even that. It was that. This is it. As we talked to her, there was just this. It was almost like to me, I thought, this is a whole new world. That if we much like Shark Tank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If you see a seed, you go, you know what? You. You know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You got this business, blah, blah, blah, but you also have a patent for a better idea. And that's what I felt. I felt, you know what? We.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This a huge win.

[Jake Johnson]

That not because her complaint, her issue could actually be the solution, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. But her complaint was, what do I do when men moan and groan while I'm cleaning their ears? What you heard is, this is a business. Lean in. What Eric heard was, my ears are weird. I'm a point guard. I'm in.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, I Can't. I can't get on the Eric Hill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if you notice, Gareth, you know I love Shark Tank. You know I'm in. I did not engage.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I know. I.

[Caller/Guest]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

But that's what was so exciting to me, was because I had the call with her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know it.

[Jake Johnson]

And when I talked, which I still have not heard, which I. When I talked to her privately, we. She and I were both like, this is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huge.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, we had a whole itinerary of how this would go. We had the way of planning out the different things that would make it kind of like its own experience. Incredible. Again, not saying like, oh, this is all about the eargasm, but saying like, she has a very specific skill set that would definitely. Like people. I see sometimes online, like, my algorithm is so much chiropractic care, sometimes these ears are getting care and people are going, oh, this is amazing. So a way to cater that. And then the idea being that Eric is the first. Eric is patient zero. I take Eric to this day that he doesn't really know much about zero. Well, I. I wanted Eric to. No, I was. This was all planned for Eric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But didn't you go and get your ear cleaned?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you only. Oh, I took that wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

I wanted you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've never seen her do the work.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just zoomed with her and you were. You know what this was? This was. Robert made a deal without any of the other sharks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, yes. But sometimes it works. And this one would have worked. I really do believe that we were going to take Eric for a very special ear spa day, but then this happened. And then. And then I was kind of. I was trying to schedule it with her because we talked about scheduling. And then when I talked to her, me know the unfortunate reality, which is basically that her boss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not a believer that this was wide ended. Now I believe there's truth to it, but that same truth was there at the beginning. She has a job. So if you're going to go start another side business, it's, you know, it's different. I think what happened was this. During the first call, it steamrolled, and callers will just say yes and laugh. It went, here's my problem. When I'm cleaning people's ears, they moan. Eric goes, I'm in. So we went left into a world that deep down, she. She's like, I don't want to create a mobile business where I'm basically an ear prostitute.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, first of all, she's nobody. You're. That's a new.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're moaning and groaning and this is a place you're allowed to moan and groan.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm. We could put a up that says, you know, keep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep your mouth talking about going to people's homes.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric takes his hose in his shower and he was like, I make noises.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me please. You and I are talking. Don't bring in the Eric wearing the ski suit, pretending I'm slaloming. Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a chance you could be right too by.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a chance that maybe she got cold feet as we got a little closer to the reality of this. But I do think she thought, I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going to be cleaning Eric's ears. And he literally takes the nozzle in his shower and shoves it is an ear and makes noise. And Robert's going, this is big business again. You know what it is in terms of Shark Tank. Eric was the guest shark and you guys made a deal together.

[Jake Johnson]

I again, to me, Eric is merely a guy I'm bringing. I. There was no input from Eric as far as what this day was going to be. He was going to be fully surprised. She and I were talking the ear game. I wanted to bring Eric in. I was going to call him Eric. It was a whole thing ear to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were talking pitch what the day was going to be.

[Jake Johnson]

So if memory serves, the day basically, it starts with. It might actually after, like a little, like, ear massage, it might go right to cleaning. Because as we talked about it, I was kind of like, cleaning should be last that part. But then we thought, well, that's kind of a messier process.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the happy ending.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So we were saying maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just said, yes, it's a sex act.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it's not. It's happy. And it's an ending that happens in fairy tales. That was Disney before it was handjobs, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right. So happy endings used to be Disney.

[Jake Johnson]

It used to be Disney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now all of a sudden, we ruined the endings. Perverts ruined happy endings. The Disney logo, without question.

[Jake Johnson]

And now it has to just be called something different. A satisfying finale. But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Over men ruin everything.

[Jake Johnson]

But so it was gonna start with the cleaning. Then it was going to be like an actual ear cleaning. If you felt there needed to be some sort of ear trimming to like, you know. And again, you got two ears. So we're doing one side at a time. So then you do you clean that ear. You lotion that ear. That ear Gets a little massage. That's 20 minutes. Then the next 20 minutes, the other side, same thing. The cleaning, the suction, the. The kind of getting it back to. To a nice look. Aesthetically pleasing. Feels rejuvenated, renewed. And then you leave. There, you're hearing better, you're looking better. And you know what? You know what if guys are making some noises, hey, guess what? This is a new business. You're getting paid extra for what's going on in here. You know, cash is king. That's the pay, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything you're saying, you keep pretending when we're arguing that this was a business. And then the longer you talk, you're just a pimp in Nevada.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, cash is king. If they moan, you're making money. This is what a fucking pimp at a cat house would talk. You know what? I don't feel bad. I'll tell you why. Because you have an opportunity. Just give the guy a back massage. You're a masseuse.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like a moped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, guess what? For $300, you can't do a little something under his underpants, but this could.

[Jake Johnson]

Again, it's all above. It's all above. It's all above. Neck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

If anybody tries this and goes through Walden, email the show. I think if I would have had this when I was right out of high school, I think I would have done online university. I think it would have worked better for me. Walden University set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chev. This episode of our podcast is brought to you by Chime. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's fee free. It's smarter banking built for you.

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[Caller/Guest]

Hello, hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi there. Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. How are you guys doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. It's our first call today, so it could be sloppy, could be crazy. Who knows what's going on. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, all that good stuff?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. Well, good morning. My name is Reagan, I'm 32 and I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio.

[Jake Johnson]

Beauty. All right, Reagan, what do you do for fun? What's a hobby you got? Got something.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, I really like. This is kind of generic, but I love to be outdoors, especially living in Ohio. The weather's, you know, sometimes. So getting outside, going on hikes when I can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you a hobby Gareth likes. In a week, he's taking ayahuasca again.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a hobby. It's a part time hobby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a spiritual hobby.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the 10 days leading up to it that feels like it's just the worst. I have an annual salt, no caffeine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have an annual spiritual holiday, three day water fast.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I like that. I do. There is something. You are like on a different operating plane with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you get so weird. Reagan. So what can we do for you today?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, so, okay, before I dive in, I do just want to preface this, that I love my wife. She's incredible. This April, we've been married five years, so I just have to start that way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, but by the way, what's her name? What's this lovely lady's name?

[Caller/Guest]

Her name is Anne and Bush.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So Ann and Reagan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ann and Reagan.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. So. And just a little bit of backstory. So she is a very tidy and clean person. And I am not. I am not a. But, you know, I'm okay with leaving the cups out for a night. I'm okay with, you know, tight. Doing a one time tidy. But Anna, she's very clean and I guess I'll say particular. And the good thing is, is that she's made me more clean in particular. So that's the positive. But this is what I need help with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Caller/Guest]

Whatever cleaning product she uses on our hardwood floors is making me slip and fall. You know, I prefer to wear socks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is funny.

[Jake Johnson]

Risky business.

[Caller/Guest]

This is silly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it's not silly.

[Jake Johnson]

It's nice. It's a nice setup. I think we're gonna have some nice pitches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reagan, you've done a very. You've done a very good job.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna get you out of this.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay? So there's. There are certain areas in my home that are slippier than the other, so I will, like, dodge them if I'm, you know, have a full cup of coffee if I don't avoid them. I have spilled it. I've stubbed my toe. And it's one of those things, you know, when there's just a littlest things keep happening and it makes you so mad. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's where I'm at. Yeah. I need help with. How do I have a conversation with my wife that she's cleaning too much?

[Jake Johnson]

You want to have the combo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that is it. The convo. Are we pitching other. Okay, this is interesting. Good question, Gary. Let's.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do both. But I think it sounds like you want the combo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got to get to her clean because your question was right, Reagan, what is the specific question we could help you with today?

[Caller/Guest]

How do I ask my wife to clean our floors differently so I don't fall?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so that's different than what I was going to pitch. I was going to start pitching throw rugs.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh. I was going fake fall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. We still could get. Fake fall could lead to combo.

[Jake Johnson]

I was going fake fall. You know, fake happens off camera.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fake fall leads to.

[Jake Johnson]

Fake fall, happens off camera. Now we do the. Now with Anne, we do the combo fake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this, Reagan? She cleaned the floor. You were walking in, you fell, you hit your head. Pretend to be concussed. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. And we know this because of the NFL. There's so much with concussions we don't understand.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a water fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a. How so?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's like you're spacey. You have the freedom to be a little chaotic in your talking and maybe a little harsh and apologetic for over stepping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. Yes. My daughter, we were talking about concussions. We learned about and whatever. She fell off the couch backwards and hit her head, and it was fine, it was soft. But I go like, you okay? And she goes like, yeah, I'm just afraid I have a concussion. And I go like, all right, well, let's see. And then she goes like this. And I go, what are you doing? And she said, concussion talk. She thought you went straight into gibberish. And I went, no, you're fine. You had the logic to say I'm.

[Jake Johnson]

Doing fake gibber in the NFL. It seems like the main symptom of a concussion is saying that you're fine and you're good to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, they walk weird.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a drunk driver. Yeah. Like, I can drive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's also so funny. They don't tell us what concussion protocol is. They just go. They're still in it.

[Jake Johnson]

They're. They're past step two of protocol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so what's the protocol? Release it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just waiting eight days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We don't know. We should play around with. Yeah, see if they barf. So, Reagan, what if this is just the first pitch? What if she cleans up, she leaves. You literally break a plate with, like, a ham sandwich on it on the floor, and then go, hey, Anne, we need to talk. Whatever you're doing with this cleaning has gotten to the point the floors are so slippery. I fell, broke this plate, spilled my ham sandwich, hit my head. I think I'm. I've been brain fog and had a headache. And then for the next couple of days, you go like, she goes, how you doing? And you go, besides the migraine. And then when she goes to clean, you go like this. Easy, easy, easy. You're cleaning might have killed your wife.

[Caller/Guest]

I like that. I. I don't think she wants to kill me. So the good news is, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that might work, but also, if you try to face this front on. You're going to enter a negotiation. You're going to lose.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, what you can definitely do is use it as a Runway to get into saying, overall, the cleaning nature, like, the floors are dangerous. That's really your main gripe. So I think something like that solves it. And then I think you could maybe open it up to, look, I know I'm not as clean as you, and maybe you're overcompensating, but it's. I feel a little less comfortable when everything is as clean as you want it. But the floors are the main. Like the floors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess I think in terms of.

[Jake Johnson]

Our negotiation, talking past the clothes, I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I agree because I think that's good. But now we're talking about something else. Yeah, this is just a very simple. This isn't debatable. Yeah. You clean the floors. I fell over because it was so slippery. I have, honestly, a concussion. I would not be able to play this Sunday if it were the NFL.

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I could probably practice mid next week because it's not clear.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Scratch at the end of the day, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I fell. You cannot clean like this. Go ahead, Reagan.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, sorry. The other layer to this one time, my five year old niece had socks on. Came running in. She slipped. Like in TVs. When a TV show, like when your feet get ripped out from under you. She fell so hard that we had to take her socks off. And I was like, oh, my gosh. It's a hazard zone in our house. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought you were gonna go heavier than just take your socks off. I thought you were gonna have to go to the doctor. Just having to take your socks off didn't feel like the ending there.

[Jake Johnson]

It was a nightmare. One by one, socks were coming off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They came off the feet.

[Jake Johnson]

She did there. She had bare feet. Feet in a home bear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's not that bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, do you like this, Reagan? Because then maybe we could walk through the actual. The very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we could have you run through it in practice.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And. And I think, Jake, do you agree we do this, we definitely have her in the other room. Maybe not even at home. Maybe. Maybe Ann comes home to this melee, and maybe what we do is plate in the garbage, shattered ham sandwich splattered all over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The three bites have to be gone.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And we just set the stage that this happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Reagan, are we gonna do this?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I like. I like the not, you know, because I'm not. I'm no actor, so I kind of like doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let us be the judges of that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, you are gonna have to act a little bit, though, just so you know.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah. But not. I don't know if.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you're not gonna have to prat. Fall.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when she comes home from work, there's, you know, like, oh, my gosh. I, you know, explaining to her what happened there. There's food on the ground. And then, you know, kind of the lingering follow up the next day. Like, man, yeah, my day was all right at work other than I couldn't really look at my computer screen because I have this migraine, I think, and then just kind of keep it going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reagan, you're being really smart. What I would do is Google concussion symptoms, but you need to have them very mildly because we can't get her worried to the point of going to the doctor.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because you can't get into this spot of. You go, I don't want to go to the doctor. And she goes, you're in no position to talk. You got a concussion. I'm making the decisions now.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you think my instinct would be when she comes home, you tell her what happened, all that stuff, and then that goes Right into the conversation about the floors are too slippery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm done with these.

[Jake Johnson]

I would do it that night. And then I think Jake's right. String along the reality for like another four days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what I'm hoping happens. Reagan. I'm hoping she says the floors are done.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're trying to get it to be her realization. So let's do this. Reagan, you're. You. Gareth, would you like to be Ann?

[Jake Johnson]

I'd love to be cast. Sure. Thanks, buddy. Sag Aftra. Don't take it away from me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you SAG Aftra?

[Jake Johnson]

I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

That's an insulting follow up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

I used to work on camera.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. We just have to check the eligibility.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm eligible. I might owe him a few hundred dollars.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you haven't paid into any of the fees?

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can pay today. I'll pay today. I'll pay after we do this, because this won't. It's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will be playing the part of Anne.

[Jake Johnson]

Crushing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ready? So, Reagan, do you want any talk before or you want to just start and do the first take and see what we got?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, may I jump in very quickly and say this should all be prefaced probably by a text message before Anne even gets home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reagan, your thoughts.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so like a text message, as in. Oh, my gosh, you'll never believe what happened.

[Jake Johnson]

Really bad fault. I would know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep Reagan, keep going with your instincts there. Oh, my gosh. Because we want your language. So pretend you're sending a text. Gareth is going to pretend to be Ann. He knows he's tidy, he knows what he setup is, but he's a little bit. He's getting a text message in the regular. He cleaned, then he went to work.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Yeah. So I'd be like, oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what just happened.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I was walking. I was walking over to the couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I wasn't completely right.

[Caller/Guest]

I was. I completely slipped and fell in that one spot. That's super slippery. I'm so annoyed.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth crushing this?

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, I think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are Sag Aftra.

[Caller/Guest]

Sorry, I did break the. No, it's okay. I did break the plate, but I did manage to eat a little bit of my lunch. Now I'm laying down and I haven't. I don't. Do I have an ice pack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you are Steve Berg.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what would be good here? You are Steve Berg. You're getting into sandwich. Sandwich bite. Details are unnecessary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wasn't able to eat. You know what?

[Jake Johnson]

You're doing the thing where you're. You're shining a bright light on. On a piece of evidence. There were three bites taken out of the ham sandwich and now lies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Able to lick the mayo as I was flying through the air, had a few bites. Lose the.

[Caller/Guest]

Eat.

[Jake Johnson]

Ate some of the food, you maniac. Okay. Keep going. This is great, though. This really is perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's 10 out of 10.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so. Yeah, I'm so.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I was really hung up on the three bites of sandwich. Okay, so, yeah, I'm. I'm doing okay. I'm. I'm laying on the couch now.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do? I'm so sorry that happened, babe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So good.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I don't think so. I just. I just wanted to let you know that's, you know, that's why I'm a little off when you come home. I just don't feel that well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Great. And I would say little scared about concussion. Banged head pretty hard.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Yeah, thank. My head pretty hard. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So now Ann gets home from work, but. And then Reagan, is that kind of how Anne would respond in your opinion?

[Caller/Guest]

She definitely would be like, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? She would say, you nailed it. Do you need anything?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is perfect. Okay, so now Ann's feeling terrible, but I would make sure to say I'm fine. Don't come home. You're good. Like, I don't. I'm not in a day.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll be okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not in a danger, Z. I just banged my head pretty good, but it's. It's. I've had worse. I just wanted to let you know there's a broken glass. I cleaned it, but I'm just feeling a little bit groggy.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So not panic. Don't. And don't have a stomachache all day, but also know when you get home, the rubbers meet in the road.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. And I think when she comes home, we have a bag of peas or something from the freezer sitting out. And it's totally not cold anymore. Room temperature. That's been on your head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Set deck.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll get her.

[Caller/Guest]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna get her.

[Caller/Guest]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ashtray, full old cigarette, but no, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Don'T think she smokes. I don't think that's good for concussion stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Moving on.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. All right, go ahead, Reagan.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so now she's come home.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

And I'm laying on the couch.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. TV's off, I think, because the bright lights gave her a worse pause.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, how far. I don't think we push that. She is deeply concussed.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think we do either, but I think we could say, yeah, you're right. Okay. No volume TVs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't take. I don't want her to have to get an mri.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. No way. Yeah. She'll deny that either way, but. Okay. All right, so you're on the couch, definitely laying down. Head back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Slow peas is great.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Room temperature. Peas on the table. Okay. All right, I'll walk in. Oh, my God. Are you okay?

[Caller/Guest]

Kind of. I just. I've just kind of been laying down on and off while trying to get through my work day, but. Yeah, I don't know. That fall, it just.

[Jake Johnson]

What happened? Like, walk me through what exactly happened.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I. I made my lunch, and then I was just, you know, gonna eat it on the couch and take a break, but on my way over, I completely slipped and fell and hit my head.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. And are you okay? I mean, how do you feel now?

[Caller/Guest]

I mean. Yeah, I just. I. I don't feel great because I. I mean, the floors are just so slippery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reagan, you are so good at this.

[Jake Johnson]

This is exactly what we want. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My note was about to be, we gotta get to the premise, and you did.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the setup of this was great.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're good at this, Reagan.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, gosh. Because I don't want to sound ungrateful that my wife. You're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not good at this.

[Jake Johnson]

We've worked it. So this is a floor. Focus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know the premise of the show. You go to a bar, your uncles are helping you. Give me one second. Hey, Joe, give Reagan another drink. She deserves it. On my tab. AKA Gareth's tab.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also Gareth, really good job.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, thank you, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I can't believe that Anne hasn't monologued about how she's. She wants to so bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, she's dying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know she is.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But anyways. Yeah, okay, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, it's consuming her. Yeah, go ahead. The whole drive off itself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would Ann like to say really fast in 3, 2. Pig. Leanne.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know why they don't make a cleaning product that doesn't. That makes it so that your floors can shine without all that grease on it. I'm so sick of all of. Why do you even need to have shiny floors? I don't know. There's this. There's this compulsion in me to make things prim and proper. And since I was a little girl, I always wanted everything in its place really good. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Since I was a little girl, I knew. The pause was you took the aside to the window.

[Jake Johnson]

The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The lighting of the theater changed for a little spotlight. The guy in the background who my character is the janitor. All of a sudden, like, fades into black so I can go change into my next costume as.

[Jake Johnson]

As Priest 3.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here's where you're at, Reagan. This is where you now have to say, very cleanly, I think you over clean. And it has to now stop. I'm all in for. I'm all in for this cleaning. Eleanor fell. We had to take her socks off. And, like, it has to be over. I think it's too much because she cannot negotiate with a concussion.

[Jake Johnson]

The floors are too much. I mean, it's the floors where hypercarbons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just feel like this has to. You've got to chill out. This could have been so much worse. And she will, in that moment, have to say, yeah, okay. And then you go, thanks, that means a lot to me. And she goes, no problem. And then you go, how's everything else going? Don't punish her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't sit in the. Don't rub her. Don't rub the shit in her nose. Just go like, we're moving.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, there's no shit. I mean, this is all fake, but. Yes. Move on. He's right. Strike and leave.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's take it to where we just kind of were getting to where you were bringing up the floors a little bit.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. So this was like a real fall.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, it could have been a lot worse, but to be honest, the floors, they're. They're just too slippery.

[Jake Johnson]

The.

[Caller/Guest]

The rate that you're cleaning them, it's just making them slipper. Slipperier and slipperier. So I just. You do you need to just clean them less so that I don't fall it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you know what? I'll sweep. I'll just sweep it more versus put the product on it all the time, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, sweeping's fine.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sleeping's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That product is done.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, I would. I would appreciate that. Thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

It's no problem. I just think it's this compulsion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Reagan, what do you Think.

[Caller/Guest]

I. I like it because again, the setup of, you know, the injury and it could have been worse. And then that leads me into being like, this is what we need to do different so I don't get hurt. I think she'll respect that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think it's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too. I think it'll work. I mean, when are you going to do this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Next time she cleans.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, which will be soon. So I don't know. That's this week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here's what we need from you, Reagan. When you do the initial text message, we need to see all of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. The back and forth, obviously, black out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The names, but we need the back and forth because then we could also read that in a follow up. And then. Okay, if you want, try to email in that day before she gets home, we can touch base again. And if not, if we're not recording that day, then we will definitely touch base after this one. I would not risk trying to record the conversation with her.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it could blow everything. This feels like we could really win. And I think we take this as a double. Yeah, Just go in there, hit it in the gap, get to second base. Let's win here.

[Jake Johnson]

Plate broken in, trash ham sandwich. Steve Berg bites out of it, but set it all.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, okay. All right, that sounds good. And then I can send a screenshot of the text that set it up and let you, let you guys know how it went.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm not. And you know me, and the audience knows me. I am not into toxic positivity. I do not give compliments unless they're truly earned. I like talking shit. Reagan, you're very good at this. And you're going to crush this.

[Jake Johnson]

You are. And on top of that, you're going to be in a concussed phase. So if anything you say is like, you have a very easy cover for anything that you say that maybe is a little. Whatever.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But don't get lost in the weeds. A, B, C. And truly, as soon as you're out, think of it like boxing. You did that, right? They fall. Take the gloves off as fast as you can get out of the ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Abc. Got it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let's go, Reagan. You got it. And be cleaning. This is a great call. Great call. Great work, Reagan.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Go get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Do you like building websites, Elizabeth? Yeah. Do you know an easy place where you could build a website? Squarespace. Squarespace.com, a sponsor of the podcast. We're here to help. Thanks, Elizabeth.

[Jake Johnson]

We adore Squarespace. My website is Squarespace. My other podcast, the Dollops website, is Squarespace. Every website I am associated with is Squarespace. I am currently working with one of the callers behind the scenes on a website. And we're going Squarespace because they do it all for you. They make it easy for you to get involved in the website game. And you have to have a website. I mean, what are we doing here? They've got everything. They have cutting edge design, SEO tools. You know, I'm a big SEO tools guy. Search engine optimization, that's me, baby. If you want to set up a place for donations, videos, it's just every way you can up your legitimacy online. Squarespace is there for you. And like I said, right now I'm working very closely with a caller and I am shark tanking her business. And we're using a Squarespace site and we've used Squarespace on the show tons of times because user friendly, makes it look legit and can't say enough good stuff about it. I mean, that's why we talk about Squarespace all the time. So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by hungryroot. You've heard us talk about hungryroot before, so you know how much we love it because it truly simplifies our lives. As a busy parent, it's been a game changer. Saving time, reaching health goals and reducing stress. To do all my weekly food shopping with Hungry Root, it makes it easy to make sure that I'm getting good, nutritious food for the family in one stop shopping.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a vegan chorizo taco that I had last week and just truly fantastic. But it, it always delivers. And it's not just because they deliver. It's because they deliver. I apologize, but Hungry Root now has over 50,000 chef crafted recipes to choose from each week. Many ready in just 15 minutes or less. It's a thousand grocery items like smoothies, sweets, kids snacks, salad kits. It goes on and on. And the quality of the food standards are extremely high. They're screening out over 200 additives, including high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners and preservatives. There are non GMO options if you want, you know, healthy brands like Oatly Vital Farms, Ithaca Hummus, Harmless Harvest, and many more. Hungry Root just makes it incredibly easy to stick with it. So look, you're making a New Year's resolution. Why not just stick with it? Because most resolutions die within a few weeks of New Year's. But Hungry Root is fighting that battle on your behalf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're also doing something fun with the next batch of Hungry Root. We're giving some to Eric Edelstein. For the next Hungry Root commercial, we're gonna hear from the great Eric Edelstein.

[Jake Johnson]

So, for a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com here to help and use code here to help. That's hungryroot.com here to help. Code here to help to get 40 off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Isn't that right, Stephen Berg, host of Weird Here to Help. Oh, it sure is. Correct. Correctamundo. Jaco. I'll tell you what. My lovely wife, she always, I feel, deserves something that shows that I put thought and effort into the situation. Right? It's why I trust 1-800flowers.com Jake they have never let me down. Amazing bouquets, high quality, delivered on time. Which is something because today a lot of things aren't delivered on time. And they do it every single time. You know who I send my flowers to? Not my lovely wife.

[Jake Johnson]

Who?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pam Reynolds. Oh, well, I'm, you know, I'm with you.

[Jake Johnson]

I have sent a probably a baker's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dozen bouquets to her in. It's paying off because she likes me the most. No, she doesn't. She likes me the most. Contraire, Monfre. She is quite the Berg fan. I mean, she has a calendar. Do you have a calendar, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think you do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you know that 1-800flowers has been doing this for 50 years? They source roses from the best high altitude farms that produce bigger blooms, richer colors, and flowers that last. All jokes aside, I did get a Christmas bouquet for Aaron. I just wanted to use our promo code and see how it worked. They were beautiful. They came on time and she was impressed and she thought, wow. Oh, Jakester. I didn't want to say. Well, they're an ad sponsor, so I didn't mention that part of it. This year, 1-800-Flowers is making it even better with exclusive double blooms offer. Buy one dozen roses. They'll Double your bouquet to two dozen for free. Twice the impact without breaking the the bank make this Valentine's one. She will remember to get your double blooms offer. Buy one, get two dozen free. Go to 1-800-flowers.com here to help. That's 1-800flowers.com here to help. To double your roses for free. Hello. Hello.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, that was a rough start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was great. How are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, my name is Gabby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gabby. Where are you calling from, Gabby?

[Caller/Guest]

I call from Adelaide, Australia.

[Jake Johnson]

Adelaide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're getting a lot of Australia lately.

[Jake Johnson]

Celebrate. Adelaide's great.

[Caller/Guest]

We love you here.

[Jake Johnson]

Big fan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Gabby from Adelaide, Australia and how old are you?

[Caller/Guest]

34.

[Gareth Reynolds]

34. And what can we do for you today?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, my brother stole the number one child spot for me from my, like, mom's number one child and I need to get it back.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay. It's pretty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, give us some more details.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, so I've been. I've got two older siblings, a brother and sister, and it's been widely known that I am the number one child and have been for many years. Pretty much up until about a year or two ago, my brother moved back to Brisbane, where my family's from. And this has more time with mum. They both like to drink cups of tea and bitch about people with, I don't know, weird colored hair or just politics and stuff like that. So all of a sudden I am number two again and I don't like it. The mom even gave my brother a number one shirt for Christmas last year, which really fired up.

[Jake Johnson]

Number one son or number one?

[Caller/Guest]

I just had a number one on it. My mom's been staying out of this argument the whole. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So in your family there's a rating system that is ongoing as if you're like polling politicians.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I mean, it's mostly the kids just saying it and mum denying it. She's never agreed that any of it was true until the shirt came out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's do this.

[Caller/Guest]

20, 25.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really fast. How many siblings are there?

[Caller/Guest]

So there's three of us. I'm one of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm the youngest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Names.

[Caller/Guest]

Let's just call their real names Jay and Claire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jay, Claire and your. Gabby. Yeah, Gabby. What do you think the real ratings are?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, look it, I. I felt. I felt when I got. Yeah, when the shirt came out, I knew I'd gone down to number two. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so Jay's one, but, you know.

[Caller/Guest]

I've Beaten out grandkids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

But just number one, even when grandkids were brought in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but I'm just trying to keep this really clean at first. So Jay's number one, Gabby's two, and Claire's three.

[Jake Johnson]

Claire's not a threat to us.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

And is the order.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jay's the oldest, Claire's the middle. You're the baby.

[Caller/Guest]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So there's never even really been an.

[Jake Johnson]

Option boy, though, to be the baby and lose the top spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But losing it to the old eldest boy?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, if we were losing it to Claire, I would say this is a nightmare. The middle daughter, otherwise known as.

[Caller/Guest]

Huh.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Oops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, we got another dog. She's adorable. She's a baby.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I mean, this is. This is a tough one, right, Jake?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, this is tough. So I. The options are going to either be, we need to make you go up in your mom's good books, or we maybe start playing hard to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or we talk to Mom.

[Jake Johnson]

Or we talk to Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Caller/Guest]

She's a very shy lady. I don't think she'll.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm shy, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Jake's shy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been called a very shy lady.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every day of my life.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here's what. Here's where we're kind of at. Gabby, you used to be number one in Mommy's eye because you were the baby. You're 34 years old now. You're not a baby. You've beat grandkids out because they're not her babies. They're her babies babies. And that matters. But it's different when the kangaroos in your pouch. Correct. Now you're in a. Yep. Yep. Now you're in a spot where Jay is home a lot, drinking tea, talking, and your mom is loving it. And where are you?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I'm in Adelaide, so I don't get to come up that much. We come up every Christmas, but other than that, we might only see each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. And they're 12 months out of the year together?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I think it's been about a year that he's lived there now?

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, there's ways. Does Jay have a job? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kissing Mom's ass.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

He's in the Air Force.

[Jake Johnson]

He's in the Air Force. So is he around all the time?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. In his current role. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so there's time. How often are you talking to Mom?

[Caller/Guest]

Like once a fortnight?

[Jake Johnson]

I would say once a fortnight. And you're upset that you're not getting a number one spot. I mean, I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you a couple pieces here. But, Gabby, first and foremost, you're not putting in the hours. I mean, you want the six pack, but you want to drink beer and hang out with your friends all weekend, too. I mean, you gotta pick now. So what I'm going to recommend is if you really want the top spot, it's time to step it up. I facetime my mother most days. She still likes my brother better. She's not listening. But do you believe that to be true? No. But I'll tell you what, you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For sure your mom's favorite.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no. It's. It's very close. But I will say close. But I FaceTime my mother. I FaceTime my mother so much, my mother gets off the phone with me. My mother is making up things so she could exit the call with me. That's not a joke. So if you're doing once every two weeks, you're not gonna hang with Jay. Jay's in the Air Force. He's making fun of the purple haired people with your mom. They're gabbing, they're drinking tea, they're having a good time. But you're doing a call every two weeks. Maybe you're intimidated by it, but I'm gonna say that we start getting involved a little more. Since you had the top spot, you can get it back. You should sidle in on that world a little bit. And I've got a second part of my pitch. Why don't we invent that you've started hanging out with an old lady who you love, too, and you and her connecting and bonding. And you could photoshop some pictures and you could talk about it on the call with your brother and your mom a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you get her a shirt that says number one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. You show you've walked them. If you're involved more in their world, you could talk about, like, mom, where did you get Jay's number one shirt? There's a woman on my block.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could also go like, I had this great conversation with Ruth the other day.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Ruth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you know who that could be?

[Jake Johnson]

Pam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could.

[Jake Johnson]

Pam could be Ruth. We could do this if you wanted.

[Caller/Guest]

Gabby, I would love to hang with him.

[Jake Johnson]

We could make us. I could have Pam. Pam could send some voice memos. We can get some pictures doctored up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, what if we did this, Gabby? What if you start planting the seed that you became friends with this woman named Pam, who's great she used to live in England. Now she's in Adelaide. You see her a bunch. She's so fun. And you were telling her about the number one shirt, and she thought it was so fun. So we have Pam right now record a message to your mom asking where she got it because she wants to get you a number one shirt.

[Caller/Guest]

Look, I don't hate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hate it.

[Caller/Guest]

What if we just make.

[Jake Johnson]

Mum.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I don't hate it. You better love it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know Adelaide. That's. That's Adelaide. I like it a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You know, I got another pitch. What we could also do is have Pam come on and Gabby, ask her how do I woo my mom back if she's got multiple kids?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Gabby, thoughts?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want to talk to Pam and see if she could give you advice of how to woo her so you could be back to being the number one?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. She's sitting at the main spot. All right, so here, put this in.

[Pam]

What have I got to do?

[Jake Johnson]

You're going to be on the show because we need help. This is a maternal issue.

[Pam]

Oh, gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so you want to talk into this mic. Here you go.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. So there we go. All right, Pam's here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Pam, can you see me?

[Pam]

I can see you, Jake. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry I look so terrible.

[Jake Johnson]

Shut up, Jake.

[Pam]

Now, Jake, if you saw me, you would look. Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm embarrassed. You're seeing me.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you look like shit. And she agrees. Now, let's keep it locked.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so here's what we're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm sorry I look like this for you, Pam. I wish I would have.

[Pam]

Honestly, Jake, you look so lovely, and I'm so looking forward to seeing you on Wheel of Fortune.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Honestly, you sound so lovely. I can only imagine what you look like.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so let's just stop. Okay. So we have Gabby on the phone. She's in Adelaide.

[Pam]

Oh, hello, Gabby. Oh, you're in Adelaide.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Pam]

So lovely.

[Jake Johnson]

So her brother. Hello? Her brother.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Has moved basically in the same area as the mother.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And the mother and her brother, who's named Jay, they're becoming, like, good friends. And Gabby feels that Jay has usurped her as the number one child. So we're trying to get it so that Gabby's mom likes Gabby more than Jay again, which happened. But now they're hanging out, they're drinking tea. Jay and the mother, they're drinking tea, they're hanging out. You know, they're talking shit and they're really bonding, and Gabby feels that she's definitely number two. So we're trying to get Gabby the number one slot again. Oh, golly.

[Pam]

That's rather hard, isn't it? You can sort of hope that perhaps it fizzles out a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you think?

[Pam]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, Gabby, do you have any questions to start to pan?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, first of all, just want to say hi. Pan. Big fan.

[Pam]

Yes, hello. Hello. Yes, you wouldn't be if you knew me, but it's very nice. You would be thousands of miles away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's even better from up close.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake, can you lock in?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trying to.

[Jake Johnson]

Try hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trying to lock in. Turn you into my stepson. Enough. Send you to military school.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not going to military. What are you talking about? You're like a year older than me. Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, Gabby.

[Pam]

All right, Gabby, carry on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have any questions to my life?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, one thing I think was. One thing I think was missed for Pam is that Mum's always denied that she has a favorite, but the kids have all said, well, we know who it is, and it's Gabby. But then not the Christmas just gone, but the one before Mum actually finally went in on the joke and gave my brother a number one T shirt to prove that he is now the number one child.

[Pam]

Oh, gosh. That was a little bit pointed, wasn't it? But obviously a joke. But you didn't see it as a joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She saw the truth behind the joke.

[Caller/Guest]

No, it is. Yeah, it was a joke. And my mum's not like one to jump in on these things too much, so it was. All it did was just light a fire under me. Because before that it was just whispers that Jay was number one, but now it was true.

[Jake Johnson]

But let me point out, mom, she only speaks. Gabby only talks to her mom once every two weeks. Oh, yeah, and I was explaining how I FaceTime you so much, you get off the phone with me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's because she's got to get back on with me.

[Jake Johnson]

No, she doesn't, dude. No, she doesn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kill fun than hearing about what's happening with you on the road.

[Jake Johnson]

Enough. What are you talking about? I don't want to. Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't refer to your mother as a chimp.

[Jake Johnson]

Didn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's one thing I pine for. So, Pam, question for you. Do you have a favorite son?

[Pam]

No. I always say what my theory is, but it doesn't help, Gabby, is that Nick is my favorite, oldest son and Gareth is my favorite youngest son, and that's the way. Because they keep doing this between them.

[Caller/Guest]

That.

[Pam]

That who's the favorite?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we've demanded an answer over the years, obviously, but.

[Pam]

So that's my controversy.

[Jake Johnson]

She thinks she's come up with a really great slogan.

[Pam]

I think it's wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so, Pam, if Nick. If. If Nick was feeling insecure that you were getting super close with Gareth and doing his podcast and in a sexual relationship with his partner.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, lock in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you do? What would you advise Nick to do to kind of, even though you do love them equally, but kind of nudge him back up the mom ladder?

[Jake Johnson]

I.

[Pam]

Well, I sort of feel it's up to the mum, to me, to make it clear that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we're using you as the universal mum.

[Pam]

I know. I know, and I feel very pressured.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me offer this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like you pressured, because pressure makes diamonds.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you're saying makes diamonds.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, we offered this. It doesn't make any sense. We offered this to Gabby, Mom. That you could be her fake friend.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And you could send her, like, some voice memos.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And we could do some stuff where, like, she's gonna get you a number one shirt or you got her a number one shirt to make it seem like Gabby now has met a nice older woman who is kind of replacing the mother to kind of put Jay and the mother on notice and kind of do a, you know, thing, like, hard to get. What do you think of that?

[Pam]

I think that's rather a good plan.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, Gabby didn't like it. Right, Gabby?

[Pam]

Oh, well, it's up to Gabby, isn't it?

[Caller/Guest]

I know. I didn't hate it. I just wasn't sure how my mum would react. But I'm up to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So where we're kind of going with it is we would lean in the direction of jealousy. Is that a path you think you want to lead to or. No. If not, it's okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I was. I was thinking about it, I think, because my mom's a really organized person. She loves cooking and she loves cleaning. If there was an older woman in my life that I cooked and cleaned with, I think that would actually get her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you like. So you like using the stuff that your mom likes. You're doing it with another woman and talking to her about it. Correct?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So why don't we do a. You can set that up, and while we have Pam. We'll have Pam leave you a voice note saying how much she enjoys cooking and Cleaning and talking about it with you. And this is to your mom and.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe how lucky your mom is and that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you please tell her where she got the number one shirt? Because you would love to send it to Gabby as a fun game because, you know, of course, the mom was playing a game with Jay. But you are just having the time of your life with this girl. And you, Pam, never had kids, so thank you for raising such a winner in Gabby.

[Pam]

That sounds lovely. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you set the table with your mom that this is happening and then send her this? And this will be the. Ideally, the sword in the heart, I would also say. And, Gabby, tell me if this works. What if Pam left you a message on your voice note for you to send to your mom? Is that confusing?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I think that's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that you could just say, my friend is doing this. She asked me not to listen because she wants to send me a little gift, but she wants to send you a note. So you, Pam, are actually calling Gabby's voicemail to talk to Gabby's mom.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does that make sense?

[Pam]

That makes sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so, Gabby, what? It's about cooking.

[Jake Johnson]

Clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You cook and clean together, right?

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what's your mom's name? And we'll beep it out if you want.

[Caller/Guest]

It's Lee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lee. So the woman's name is Lee. Pam, you hang out with Gabby. You guys cook and clean Gabby. Would it be you guys live in the same building?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I live in a house. So you'd have to maybe just live in the neighborhood.

[Pam]

In the neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three, two, pig. Leanne.

[Pam]

Hello, Lee. My name's Pam and I live close to Gabby, and I just wanted to say what a wonderful friend she has become. And I just feel that you've raised a wonderful daughter, and we've started to cook and clean together, and it's such a pleasure. And I'm an older woman, so I really appreciate. And I never had children, and Gabby has turned into sort of a surrogate daughter. And I just wanted to let you know that you've raised somebody wonderful and that I'd like to get. I know that she loves the T shirt that you gave to her brother, and I would like to get her a T shirt that says she's number one, because she's number one to me, and I'm sure she's number one to you, too. So I think we would both be on the same page, and I just hope one day Dere can meet you, and we. I think we'd probably get on well together. So Anyway, so thank you very much and bye. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy. Gabby, your thoughts?

[Caller/Guest]

Holy.

[Pam]

What a liar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it was great.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, that was incredible. I loved it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think. I think, Gabby, that's gonna do some things to your mom.

[Pam]

I hope so.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And God forbid, if I say to my mom that Pam is the one that finally taught me how to fold a fitted sheet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

She's gonna leave the line.

[Jake Johnson]

Do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's all of that. What we're trying to get to your mom to go is essentially say, stop it with this. I'm your mom, not Pam. You're my number one. I'm number your number one. And you go, I agree. Enough with this J. Nonsense sense.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Gabby?

[Caller/Guest]

I love it. I think it's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Are you out sprinkling out with them.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then, Gabby for you. Are you going to text this to your mom? How does she get her technology?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I'll probably send it to her and then I'll have to get my sister to help her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Figure it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect. So start setting the table now with Pam, this friend you've had for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, absolutely. I'll start lying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna need a huge follow up on this. This one's gonna land.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Pam]

You have to keep me posted too.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll send this to you, Gabby, and then let us know what happens. Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, thanks, guys. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Pam]

Thank you. Lots of luck. I hope I meet you one day. I love Australia.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, blinds are blurring over here now we gotta cut this off.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm over anytime.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 247, 10 pounds of pasta with Jenny Slate. Hello.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Okay, welcome back. What was your first call? What's your name? And update us.

[Caller/Guest]

I am Dee Dee. I called in, I called in about the unfortunate breakup that happened between my daughter and my friend's son.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, right. And yeah, yeah, the Jenny Slate call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Well, keep going, keep going. Don't let us interrupt you. So what was the call about? What did we pitch and what happened?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, so I called in to get your help on making sure that my friend and I are both families can maintain our family friendship that's been going back all the way from high school and it's almost got destroyed because my daughter, who's 9 year old, broke up with my friend's son who's 10 year old and they were claiming that they never want to see each other and we had to cancel some of Our visits because of that. And you both gave us some really great ways to solve this. And I'm here to report back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did we suggest that you liked?

[Caller/Guest]

We realized that the reason that they were kind of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriends was due to the fact that they played pretend weddings a lot. So Garrett's suggestion was to come up with a contract that would annul this wedding and have some sort of new kind of promise that makes them realize that they're not going to play this wedding games anymore and they're not going to do this boyfriend and girlfriend things anymore. They're going to really solely focus on friendship.

[Jake Johnson]

And this was all happening like you were about to have a weekend family getaway together, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you had that get together. So you probably. Did you try this? And how did it go?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it went really great. I did send over the contract that they signed, as well as the task that they needed to do and some photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do it one at a time. Gareth, will you read the contract?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure. It's a friendship contract and it says we agree on what friendship means. A friend is someone you choose to be on your team. They are the people who make the good times more fun and the tough times a little easier. That's your first agreement. The second is we won't play pretend weddings anymore. Third is we won't talk about boyfriend girlfriend things anymore. Fourth is we will focus on having a great time building our friendship. Fifth is we will be kind to each other. And then there's two boxes for signatures. That's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, question to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're friends. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Been friends for 20 years.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We do a podcast together. We talk all the time.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does this apply to us? Would you sign this?

[Jake Johnson]

We're grown men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, thinking about us.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so the first one, a friend is someone you choose to be on your team. People make good times more fun and tough times a little easier. I think that applies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I apply. It applies.

[Jake Johnson]

The second one, we've never done pretend weddings, so that's not going to be difficult for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would sign that. I don't want to get married.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I mean, it's pretend. We won't talk about boyfriend girlfriend things anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but we could talk about your girlfriend, so that wouldn't apply.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, but I think it's. The language in here is specific about their.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We never talk about danger.

[Jake Johnson]

We won't talk about danger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is fine. We never have.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll focus on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have a great time building Both be disgusted by that Idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let's go to four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll focus on me. 69 in who gets grossed out more, you or me? And who.

[Jake Johnson]

I think It'd be the first 69 that ended in a dual pew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

4.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll focus on having fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When we dig our bottoms off, do we both get in the fridge?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think we get. I don't even think we get to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The point where what happens.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bottle of wine. But.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I mean we're obviously we're doing this because we've been put up to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're having. We have a lot of drinks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We both want to bet.

[Jake Johnson]

We get in there. We get in there. The clothes come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a weird hotel. That's a heart shaped bed.

[Jake Johnson]

We look at the mattress and I think we get naked and we both got up. I'm not. We can't do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't perform.

[Jake Johnson]

4. Focus. We focus on building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a diamond cutter brother.

[Jake Johnson]

Building our friendship. Strange. Five will be kind to each other. Five. I think we could do all these. There are carve outs that, you know, we're. We're also going to be able to add. Everything is done out of love. Even if it brings about laughter.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Pam]

Agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even if it seems me.

[Jake Johnson]

It seems me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's all for a bit.

[Jake Johnson]

It's all. We're all everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If we're having a laugh, somebody in our small circle laughs. It was worth it. So they sign these things and then what is it? Problem solved.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And then they had to do some tasks that. That was attached underneath the friendship contract. First they had to create gingerbread characters and make them look like one another.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I think is going to happen on this? I think our audience is going to find this very sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you know how I feel about it.

[Jake Johnson]

What Meh. What do you mean? It is sweet. What is it, man? What is meh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They sign a little contract. They don't do it anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

We solved it. This is a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean you don't know? Why are you talking out of bell rings?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean? This was the issue. We're on her side and we solved the kid's problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They did we?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or were you gonna kind of do something sweet like this? It feels like our kind of pictures are more like you gotta eat 50 pounds of pasta or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Put some hot dogs in a stuffed animal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm surprised. I Feel like you pitched this test. If we listen back, I think we probably pitched something stupider. And you said, what if I just did a contract? And while we were arguing about eating pasta, we went like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. No, wrong. We argued about eating pasta. You said, make them make 10 pounds of pasta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did. On this one, yes. That's a good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a bad idea. And you admitted to me later in the day on a phone call that it was a bad idea. We. I pitched the annulment. I mean, we got there gradually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. This isn't an annulment.

[Jake Johnson]

This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a friendship contract.

[Jake Johnson]

You did an annulment to the annulment? It's a child annulment. They can't legally get wed. Thank God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it was supposed to be like a lawyer put something out and said the divorce is not a.

[Jake Johnson]

Ever worked with a lawyer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's going to cost her $1,000 instead.

[Jake Johnson]

Her kids make cookies. What are you talking about? These kids are now friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are they?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They are not asking you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we're looking at gingerbread cookies.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. What are you. What do we. What are you. Like looking at a dog. Yep. That's adorable. Why are we looking at a dog?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's because they're. That's like a cotton candy.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? You could say all the things you're saying in a different way, and it would be nice. Now we're looking at the dog. Oh, now they're making cotton kitty. They're shaking hands. This is a. No, they're not. Look, look, their faces are covered. Because she doesn't want to see this. For a guy running for mayor, these are not. Not stock Getty Images. These are real. And this happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this Dee Dee, Dee, Dee Dee. Is this actually real or did you push him a little bit? I would love to have the kids on independently. His story is going to be different. I go see your friend, he goes like this.

[Jake Johnson]

My ex wife, Dee Dee, how old are these kids again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ten and nine.

[Caller/Guest]

Ten and nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's gonna go, I'm gonna go. You do your friendship contract. He goes, yeah, with the ex. How is it my mom made me do a fist pump and say, I love making cookies with my ex wife, and then he's gonna go shoot me in the head.

[Jake Johnson]

Dee Dee, all in all honesty, do you feel like we got this to a good place? Are the kids in a good place? Do you feel good about it and ignore what Jake's doing? We want to ring the bell. Jake wants to ring the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just want to ring bells.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake's. The whole point of the show is ring the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To ring the bells in the right way.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to ring the bell in the right way. Do you listen to this question?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you really? In your heart of hearts? Cuz I think this was a great.

[Jake Johnson]

You're asking the same question I was just asking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but here's what I'm asking, and this is the Now I need the truth. D. Your solution, what you came up with feels very much like you and your friend came up with that idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Came up with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you kind of just do it, you guys and the call was just fun, or do you actually think we helped get you here?

[Caller/Guest]

No, it was all Garrett's idea.

[Jake Johnson]

That's why you hate it. That's why you're mad about it. You're still upset that we put hot dogs in the dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was a terrible one, Garrett.

[Jake Johnson]

I admit that was a terrible one. But it's fractured you now, and so a good one seems terrible to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. You pitched, which I loved. An annulment. Like it was a divorce.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did not pitch a friendship contract.

[Jake Johnson]

I pitched a way to get them out of their marriage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Into being friends again. Because these families hang out so much. I wanted. She made the bridge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was an annulment.

[Jake Johnson]

She made the bridge to get them. They got to be able to hang out. The point of this weekend was to get this. These exes to be friends again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's what we did through the contract that they both signed through making the cookies that for some reason, didn't warm your black heart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, yeah, we saw a dog acting like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we saw a dog in a costume. But I didn't hate it in the car. I didn't hate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you did.

[Jake Johnson]

I did not hate. I love seeing Doug's It Out Nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Girls who say, I like his curly hair. You're gonna pretend in the car. You're gonna go, that was boring with the dog.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm not. You are inventing a person that doesn't exist. Now, Deedee, the question is, do you feel good about this? Do you feel like we solve the problem?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course she does. She's got a wonderful.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, it did not break apart our friendship. We still get to go over there. I mean, honestly, they were a little awkward. Still, I think it solves the problem. I think. I mean, okay. Jake is very mad that we didn't do the pasta thing. The hundred.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even remember the pasta thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cooking a bunch of pasta would have been great. Making him do a punishment.

[Jake Johnson]

There we go. Get it out, get it out, get it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would have been a great photo.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go. Sure, A great photo. Get him in an industrial kitchen where they can make 10 pounds of pasta. Go run an Olive Garden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got a question.

[Jake Johnson]

You had to print two pieces of paper and get him to sign it. Jake wants you to rent a location.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I ask you something? Did he. For real?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, thank you for the call. We appreciate. Thank you for doing this. It's wonderful. My tone is playfully mad, but I'm a little mad. Is there any chance we could talk to one of the kids? Another follow up?

[Jake Johnson]

Not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we call?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what I would like to do.

[Jake Johnson]

Uncle Buck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what I would like to do. And I want to run it by mom first. Your mom called into a podcast about the marriage thing you were doing with your buddy. And then, you know, you did the contract. We're gonna go, where are you at with your ex and all this madness? What's happening? She's gonna go, every. My mom said everything's great. Good, good, good. But where are you at? And then she's gonna go, you guys have fun? Yeah, I had fun doing cotton candy. And I'm gonna go, dee Dee ain't on the line. A couple of your uncles are here. You like hanging out with that guy? And she's gonna go, he's a piece of. I'm gonna go. You think she's gonna go? That's why he's my ex. He's a rat.

[Jake Johnson]

Dee Dee is sitting in a car. She signed the paperwork. She's about to leave the lot, and you're coming out here going, yeah, this car's not right for you. What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want her in the right car.

[Jake Johnson]

I want her in the right car, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you just want her in a gelato.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't.

[Caller/Guest]

Don't.

[Jake Johnson]

She's happy in her car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you happy?

[Jake Johnson]

We're all winning. We got our commission. She's in a car. She's happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's driving off a lot, pretending you like the photo of the dog. The dog wasn't part of the original call.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't care. You don't like a dog in a costume. You put a pug in a chef's outfit, I'm gonna lose my mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dee Dee, if you're happy, I, I. Yeah. Are you happy?

[Caller/Guest]

I am happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this a bell ring?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm Happy. But it. I think it's a bell ring from the original problem that I had, which is I want to make sure that I can continue to hang out with my friend. But I. I mean, if you want to talk to my daughter, that will be an interesting maybe perspective, maybe not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sleep on it, Deedee, I don't think it's important. It could be a bad idea. But here, how about this?

[Jake Johnson]

Dee Dee, you sleep on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Jake, why don't you sleep on.

[Jake Johnson]

When you go to bed in two days, why don't you sleep on it too?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dee Dee, here's what I'm gonna say. Let's not do the child. But here's also what I'm gonna say. The car Gareth put you in today.

[Jake Johnson]

That we put her in, you brought the paper. You were in the office when she signed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you drive off, the sounds that car makes, you're not allowed to drive back in.

[Jake Johnson]

We'd love to talk to you. If there's any issue, you're under warranty, so of course, if there's any issues with the vehicle, come back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a warranty. It's a contract that you signed for the friendship thing. It's not a real annulment.

[Jake Johnson]

Deedee, you did a great job. The dog looked adorable. We're happy. Your kids are happy. So is Jake. You're not in a lemon. You're gonna have a great time. We'd love to have a follow up in a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask you a quick question really fast. The idea was, I think you and your friend are good. And the kids are now put in a position where they have to go, like, of course we're buds. I don't think we got to the root of. They played games where they were married. Then. Remember all those text messages, how crazy it got? Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And now we've had a peace agreement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, the peace agreement was you have to sign these and now make cotton candy do a fist pump in front of the fridge.

[Jake Johnson]

They're friends. It's called being a friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kids, when they're around each other and when they're around adults. Dee, we know this. It's a different language.

[Jake Johnson]

They would know. She would know. She'd drive back and be like, do you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're good now to go like, our moms want to be friends again. So when no one's around, one of them goes, so smile like the dog in the reindeer.

[Jake Johnson]

What are these two Joe Pesci's?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All kids are.

[Jake Johnson]

No, they're not. You and your brother were you were raised by a man who had a cockatoo freely flying and shitting around an apartment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But do you really, in your heart, did you think after signing this, all those weird texts in that weird divorce and how crazy it got, that's gone. We are happy.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. That weird wedding situation is definitely gone, though. And I think this definitely helped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the branch because it was.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, yeah, I'm gonna ring the bell so hard, it's gonna look like the Liberty Bell from this. Okay, so everybody's getting checked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're saying they got into a weird zone they couldn't get out of, and this contract got him out of that, and therefore we've run and now they're rebuilding and things are gonna get normal again because they'll never talk about that stuff again.

[Caller/Guest]

Red. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Dee, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for the call. Loved this one. Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Signals work. The car is going to run great. We love you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If weird smoke comes out of the back.

[Caller/Guest]

Love you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe just keep going forward.

[Jake Johnson]

God bless. Byebye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The end of this should be a car crash.

[Jake Johnson]

She's on a death trap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please. Please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Caller/Guest]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon. And season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelp pod.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, I'm Drew Offualo.

[Caller/Guest]

And I'm Daason Afualo.

[Jake Johnson]

And we host the Headgum podcast, Two Idiot Girls.

[Caller/Guest]

Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins.

[Jake Johnson]

We talk about all kinds of things.

[Caller/Guest]

Like weird dating, horror stories, maybe a.

[Jake Johnson]

Really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving and anything in between.

[Caller/Guest]

So you can listen to two idiot girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.