260: A Disgusting Session & Poke the Bear (with Lamorne Morris)

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 260: A Disgusting Session & Poke the Bear (with Lamorne Morris)

Podcast: We're Here to Help
Hosts: Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds
Special Guest: Lamorne Morris
Release Date: February 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode marks the launch of season three on Hulu, introducing the show to a new audience. In classic “We're Here to Help” fashion, Jake and Gareth offer unqualified advice—drunk uncle style—to callers with personal, oddly specific problems. Special guest Lamorne Morris (New Girl) joins to lend his unique perspective and comic energy. The episode features two memorable caller dilemmas: a Czech school teacher having inappropriate sex dreams about students’ parents, and a Chicago Pilates-goer at her wit’s end over a relentless, repetitive playlist. The guys riff hilariously, veer into absurd advice, and find some moments of genuine insight—though not always intentionally.

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Main Episode Themes

• Navigating embarrassing and awkward feelings in everyday life
• Finding creative (and often dubious) solutions to unique personal problems
• The dynamic and chemistry between longtime friends and a beloved guest
• The importance (and chaos) of community feedback and inside jokes

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Welcome to Hulu & Setting the Stage (00:41–06:44)

• Jake and Gareth announce their new Hulu partnership and welcome new listeners.
• Inside jokes abound: Gareth’s impending vasectomy, Jake’s hypothetical chimpanzee adoption, and a community kidney donation effort.
• The show’s premise: unqualified but well-intentioned advice, in the spirit of “drunk uncles” or “local bartenders.”
• Quote:
  "Why us? There’s no real good answer for that other than we are. We are good at giving advice. Like drunk uncles." — Gareth (01:34)

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2. Call #1: Betty's "Disgusting" Dilemma – Sex Dreams About Parents (11:32–37:45)

Betty's Problem

• Betty (“for privacy”) is a 35-year-old primary school teacher in Prague.
• She has recurring sex dreams involving students’ parents (sometimes multiple parents at once, of both genders).
• Problem: These dreams make her nervous and giggly around the parents in real life, and she fears appearing unprofessional.

The Group Unpacks the Situation

• Lamorne’s comic theorizing: Suggests maybe there’s a cosmic link; “What if the parents have sex dreams about you, too?”
• Jake & Gareth dig for details: Are the parents attractive? Is this a “work fantasy” thing?
• Betty clarifies it’s not about real attraction, but about nervousness and intimidation; the dreams seem to be a subconscious coping mechanism for feeling out of her depth.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Jake, paraphrasing:
  “She teaches kids... how does she talk to one of the parents she had a sex dream about while seeming normal?” (13:03)
• Betty:
  “I don’t want to have sex with them in real life... It tends to get in the way when I talk to these parents.” (15:30)
• Lamorne’s recurring bit:
  “You a freak, Betty… you got a dungeon in that brain.” (23:46)

The Advice (and Chaos)

• Make the parents less attractive: Attend end-of-year school parties with gross food, or focus on their irritating/flawed behaviors.
• Use aversion: Imagine something disgusting about the parents (bad breath, dirty fingernails, etc.) to sabotage the fantasy.
• Lamorne proposes “alcohol reveals flaws”; Jake floats the idea of “masturbating to a bad session” to create negative association.
• Gareth: Bring Sloppy Joes or fart spray to parties to kill any residual allure. (“Fart spray by your nose before seeing them!” — 27:17)
• Betty's breakthrough: She loves the idea of intentionally creating a gross/unattractive fantasy to break the dream’s spell, expressing gratitude for the power/powerlessness insight.
  • “I will intentionally think about something really, like, unthinkable about them… I will spoil my past memories with them.” — Betty (31:55)

Outcome & Closure

• Betty agrees to the aversion technique, promising to “do the gross session” before her next parent meeting.
• The hosts encourage her to “stay in the fantasy even after it turns you off,” for maximum effect.
• Memorable closer:
  “A disgusting session.” — Gareth (36:59)

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3. Call #2: Liz vs. The Pilates Playlist (41:52–66:45)

Liz's Problem

• Elizabeth (“Liz”), from Chicago, endures the same playlist—loud pop with repeating tracks like “Shut Up and Dance”—at her Pilates studio every class.
• The volume is so high that she can’t hear instructors, and the repetition makes it worse.
• She enjoys Pilates but feels like an “old lady complaining.” She wants the playlist changed without being identified as the complainer.

The Group Riffs on Solutions

• Lamorne’s “Techno-Sabotage”:
  Hack the studio’s Wi-Fi/Bluetooth to commandeer the playlist (47:24). “I’ve done it at the airport… I can get on the Bluetooth and change what’s on the screen.” — Lamorne (47:50)
• Practical moves:
  • Wear headphones, play her own music (not ideal in a group Pilates setting).
  • Quietly raise her hand during class and tell the instructor she can’t hear because of the music—hoping others will agree and forces a policy change.
  • Fake an injury so instructor must turn music down for safety.
• Gareth’s subtle protest:
  Place a basket of earplugs with a sign “Free earplugs if the music is too loud” near the entrance (55:25).
• Chain complaint campaign:
  Have the hosts (and listeners) call/email the studio anonymously to complain about the playlist.

“Poke the Bear” Solution & Roleplay

• Final group strategy:
  Befriend the only other Pilates student—a 50-year-old Chicago man—in her class. Mention how loud/repetitive the music is and hope he takes charge in voicing a complaint.
• The group acts this out, with Lamorne role-playing “Bob,” a stereotypical old-school Chicago guy.
• Jake’s tip:
  “Don’t tell him exactly what to do—just complain nearby. He’ll take the hint and complain for you.”
  (62:19–64:50)

Notable Quotes

• Lamorne, on directness:
  “Hey, can you switch it up?... I shouldn’t know the words to Shut Up and Dance.” (56:25)
• Jake:
  “As a 50-year-old guy, he’s already at an away game in a Pilates studio.” (65:00)

Outcome

• Liz is on board—she’ll socially seed the complaint with “Bob,” let him take the lead, and see if the situation improves.
• The hosts request a follow-up.

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4. Recurring Jokes & Inside Bits

• Jake's “romance” with Gareth’s mother ("Pam"), including riffing on a fan-submitted erotic painting (67:10–70:56).
  • “It’s me and her on a horse with our shirts off… you can see my mother’s nipple in it. It’s crazy.” — Gareth (67:29)
• Lamorne’s ongoing bits about “being a freak,” “teachers and parents,” and “old Chicago guys.”
• Running joke: Gareth's upcoming vasectomy, with a plea for a doctor willing to film it for the show (closing message, 72:38).

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

– Opening Premise:

• “If you had a problem… you go to a bar, sit down with a couple of blood uncles or fake uncles…you tell the problem and they go, let me tell you how to fix this.” — Jake (02:03)

– On Betty’s Sex Dreams:

• “Sometimes… you look at the teachers like, okay, oh, okay. Sometimes that teacher got a little… you know what I’m saying?” — Lamorne (15:02)
• “You a freak, Betty. And you… got a dungeon in that brain.” — Lamorne (23:46)

– On Breaking the Fantasy:

• “Intentionally think about something really, like, unthinkable about them. I will spoil my past memories with them.” — Betty (31:55)

– Pilates Playlist Solutions:

• “I can get on the Bluetooth and change what’s on the screen.” — Lamorne (47:50)
• “Fake injury works 90% of the time for problems for people who call on this show.” — Gareth (50:51)

– On the Value of Indirect Confrontation:

• “You drop a seed right now... He might go in and say something.” — Lamorne (64:08)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |--------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 00:41–06:44 | Hulu welcome, show premise, inside jokes galore | | 11:32–37:45 | “Betty” and the teacher/sex dream parent dilemma | | 41:52–66:45 | “Liz” and the Pilates playlist/volume problem | | 67:10–70:56 | Erotic painting of Gareth's mother, group reacts |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Loose, riff-heavy, with a mix of sincere advice and wild, comedic pitches.
• Hosts support callers but often veer into bits and self-deprecating humor.
• Lamorne Morris amplifies the playful, irreverent energy with his own asides and character work.
• Language is colloquial, with occasional explicit moments.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of “We’re Here to Help”: callers bring in small but deeply personal problems (awkwardness, musical annoyance), the hosts and guest dish out both creative and absurd advice, and hidden beneath the sarcasm are sincere efforts to help. Whether you laugh at the solutions or actually try them, you’re part of a community that understands sometimes, the best help is just not feeling alone with your weird problem.

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If you’d like your question pondered and “helped,” email [e-mail].

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast. And we are back. Garrett. This is a special one.

[B]

This is a special one.

[A]

This is our first Hulu episode of season three. Hulu. Welcome to the family. We're excited to be here, people just finding the show on Hulu. Maybe you're starting here. Maybe you're starting on the back catalog. I believe there's going to be about 20 of the back that's going to be rotating. All of our new episodes are going to be here, and then the back catalog will keep changing. You can also Find us on YouTube for other episodes as you're catching up, because we got about 250 of these.

[B]

It's been a long journey.

[A]

Yeah. 25 at a time, or you can listen on audio, whatever you want. But I want to say to the Hulu family that also has a new girl that also did my movie Self Reliance, that also has a new project that is yet to be announced. We're happy to be here. This is a perfect home for us, and we thank you guys for partnering with us.

[B]

Yeah. Very excited. We've been waiting for this for a minute, and it's great that it's here. I mean, I don't even know how you encapsulate the journey that's gotten us to here, but we should just point out that if anyone is sitting there wondering, why us? There's no real good answer for that other than we are. We are good at giving advice. Like drunk uncles.

[A]

Yeah. I thought you meant the.

[B]

No know. Why do we help? Why are we the helpers? No.

[A]

Yeah. No. The premise of the show to anybody new is that if you were to walk in, if you had a problem, something you'll see on the calls today, but something really serious to you. The calls today are a great example of what this show does, but really serious to you, but maybe not serious to others. You can't take a straight line to the fix. If you could, you would, but. So you go to a bar to sit down with a couple of blood uncles or fake uncles or people. You rely on drunks. You get a couple of drinks, you tell the problem, and they go, let me tell you how to fix this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then on our show, what ends up happening is people take the advice and do it in real life, and the results matter. We obviously crack a lot of jokes, but the callers are the star of the show, and it matters what happens.

[B]

We. If we solve it, we have a bell, we ring and. And like you said, mean. Today is a. A Perfect encapsulation of our small problems that are big to the callers.

[A]

And so I got to say, even though this is short and to the point and what you guys are going to find out, a lot of this show is we riff around and we talk and we do too many bits because we're 20 year friends and it happens. But for now, what I would like to say is welcome to the show. Welcome to the community. We got some real weird stuff going on. Gareth is going to get a vasectomy. I'm going to adopt some chimpanzees. We're going to try to get people in the community to buy hats. So they're also. So we are chimp parents. I'm not going to bring the chimps to my house. No. Elvis Presley was gonna.

[B]

I won't be. I won't be making any children. But we will be saving a lot of chimps.

[A]

So if you think every chimp we adopt, I want the community to also be the moms and dads. So we're gonna have a lot of chimps. Gareth is going to snip his nuts.

[B]

You're taking it well. No, you're taking it in the chimp nuts direction. Let's. We had a good focus going. I think you said you're going to keep it short.

[A]

And then you started to keep it short. But then I said, also, there's a woman whose husband needs a new kidney. And we got about nine people who have volunteered in this community to give their kidney.

[B]

That is shocking. There's a lot going on.

[A]

But one last thing also.

[B]

I got one thing.

[A]

After watching this, there's a real chance Lamorne and I are going to compete on Wheel of Fortune.

[B]

My mother is over the moon with this news, by the way.

[A]

It's fun, it's very exciting and I'm very dyslexic. I watched this last night. I'm gonna do very bad.

[B]

How do you do you point that out at the beginning? Do you say no, you just let him.

[A]

I'm just gonna live in. I'm gonna lose. I'm gonna be humiliated.

[B]

It's long, though. It's. The celebrity was an hour. So you have a lot of. Yeah, and there's like a couple different.

[A]

It's gonna be bad. No, it's a good thing that money is going to be going to the chimp sanctuaries. Another thing for people who are new to the show, those who know the show are going to go. We know Gareth's mother and I are in a long term Sexual relationship.

[B]

Wrong. Doesn't say sexual. You're doing that here.

[A]

No, there's something going on with me.

[B]

There's nothing going on. You're married and have two kids. Completely different woman.

[A]

What did you have?

[B]

It's just ridiculous to just toss to me like it's going to be a regular.

[A]

I'm in love with your mother.

[B]

Shush.

[A]

Yeah. My son.

[B]

Quiet.

[A]

She's beautiful. Enough. You're a teenage boy.

[B]

Stop it, grown man.

[A]

Your mother.

[B]

You said stop. Enough.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

Don't say agreed when you're doing the thing.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

I'm trying to. What I was gonna say, Jake, is it's a whole new pool of people with problems.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

That we might want to solve. I mean, we have a whole new audience now, so we should tell them.

[A]

Interested that?

[B]

Helpfulpod. Gmail.com. if you have a problem that is important to you, email the show, we'll bring you on the show. We pretty much solve every problem. It might not end up that way, but by the end of the call.

[A]

But we're at about a 70, 30 success rate.

[B]

It's pretty good.

[A]

Gareth used to think we were at an 15% success for it. No, I. Wasn't that what you thought?

[B]

No, it was like.

[A]

It was.

[B]

It was. My guess was abysmal, but I was trying. I was catering to what I thought everyone else's guess was going to be.

[A]

All right. So, everybody, thank you for joining us. We hope you enjoy this as much as we enjoy making it. We're not going to stop. We love it. We are so thrilled to be here. I'm in love with G's mom. And without further ado, enjoy the show.

[B]

I mean, you ruined the end of that.

[A]

This podcast is sponsored by the neon movie Nirvana, the Band, the show, the Movie, only in theaters February 13th.

[B]

I cannot tell you how excited I am for this movie. It is. Well, here's the synopsis. When their plan to book a show at the Rivoli goes horribly wrong, Matt and Jay accidentally traveled back to the year 2000. 2008. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here are some of the things that critics say. It's insane that it exists. From Variety. How is any of this legal? But why, though? A thrilling roof shaking blast from Slate. A comedic miracle. Sunshine State complex. Gives no fucks. A movie you absolutely must see to believe fandom. Wired says cinematic anarchy. I have been watching. There's two seasons of the show, Nirvana, the Band, the show. And it's incredible. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. You cannot believe it. You watch the first episode, you're going to watch all of that them. Steve Berg said he thinks it's the best show ever made and they made a movie and the movie looks even better than that. So get ready for the movie Nirvana, the Band, the show the movie in theaters February 13th. So get tickets now.

[A]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple. Provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. Walden is is where students get the w those big and small wins that help them move forward and create the change they want to see in their lives, careers and communities. With a hundred plus degrees and certificates, it's never been easier for students to find a program that matches their goals. We were doing this. I asked the community of who has listened to this show? Went to Walden. We've had a lot of people write in. One woman sent a voice note so I'm going to send it to her now. This is a real graduate of Walden. Take it away.

[C]

I wrote in when I heard Walden was a new sponsor and Jake asked me to tell my story. I got married right after college to a military man. I knew my life was going to be pretty unstable for a while, so a traditional brick and mortar school just wasn't going to work for me. Luckily, I found Walden because life came at me fast. Over the next three years, we moved to two different states. I got pregnant and gave birth to my first daughter. The beauty of it was that the flexible schedule allowed me to graduate on time without skipping a beat. I had incredible professors who prepared me with real world knowledge and skills. Because of Walden, I have been continually practicing as a licensed mental health therapist since I graduated 10 years ago. And while on a few occasions I have thought about telling my clients to parmesan the floor when people annoy them, Walden taught me better.

[A]

Walden University set a Course for Change Certified to operate by Chev and we're.

[B]

Brought to you by Kachava. Look, I love cachava people. I've heard comments. People are saying I say kachava too much when we do these ads. I love cachava. That's why my father, he just had ankle surgery and he was like, I need a protein powder. Can you order me a protein powder? I was like, buddy boy. He said he wanted a strawberry one. I was like, buddy, what? Would you just. I said to him, would you just shut up and let me order you some kachava.

[A]

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[B]

Normally I'll make a spinach smoothie and spinach is disgusting to just drink. Spinach is disgusting. But you use cachava and you're like, that's delicious.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

K-A C-H dash A-V A.com code here to help. Hello?

[D]

Hi. Hello. Hello.

[A]

Can everybody hear you?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Hi, can we get your name please?

[D]

Hi, I'm going to go with Betty just for privacy reason.

[A]

You said Betty.

[B]

I mean that's the, that's the worst start to a call yet.

[A]

So Betty, where are you calling from? Betty?

[D]

I'm calling from Prague, from Czech Republic.

[E]

Wow, cool.

[A]

This is our first caller from the Czech Republic. Oh, this is a big one. Betty. And Betty, how old are you, do you mind me asking?

[D]

I'm 35.

[A]

35. And you got a special one. You got Gareth and I, of course. But then you got a. One of my brothers from another mother. A guy who we've admitted to saying I love you too.

[E]

Yep, we said it.

[A]

Mr. Lamor Morris has joined the pod.

[E]

Betty, she's so excited.

[A]

My. We're here to help. All star.

[B]

Yeah, I think the audience is too.

[A]

Probably remember for a while I had that photo you up on the wall. This is the house that Lamorne built. Betty, what can we do for you today?

[D]

Okay, so I've got this problem. I'm a primary school teacher and the school is really, really small, and I'd like you to give me an advice how to talk naturally to the parents that I had a sex dream about.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, I'm paraphrase this question. She teaches kids. How does she talk to the pet, one of the parents that she had a sex dream about while seeming normal? Is that right, Betty?

[E]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Yeah, that's just correct. There were more parents involved.

[A]

Whoa, Betty, explain us what this dream was. Actually, could you just explain to Lamorne.

[B]

For a little bit and slowly walk.

[D]

Everyone in details, Betty.

[E]

Yeah, Betty, I want the details.

[A]

Lamar shows you.

[E]

Okay, Start to finish. So you had. So there are multiple parents, and you've had sex dreams about all of them.

[D]

There were two parents included in the dream, and one of they were actually not from the same family. One was a woman. One, but the other one was a man. And, yeah, it's all really, like, confusing, messed up. But it happens to me from time to time, so I suppose it will happen in the future as well. So I want to be ready because when I meet these parents, I tend to giggle or get really nervous, and so I want to work with that.

[E]

You know, Betty, I believe in the cosmic universe, and I believe that we are all connected. So when we dream, we're actually showing a connection. Especially if you dream about a particular person, what you are doing is showing the link between you and those people. What if I were to tell you, Betty, that those parents have had sex dreams about you? Because I can tell you as a dad. As a father of what?

[B]

Let him cook, Jake. He's going to.

[A]

We were cooking, and then you went a real weird turn. I hate.

[E]

Because she's having sex dreams about the kids. Parents.

[A]

Okay, go on.

[E]

But as a father, I. Sometimes.

[B]

That's all it took.

[E]

Yeah, I. Sometimes you look at. You look at the teachers like, okay, oh, okay. Sometimes that teacher got a little. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Begging you to be careful because your daughter is still in school and they might be listeners.

[E]

They might be listeners.

[A]

But unless you're actually making a move right now.

[E]

No, I'm not making a move. But, you know. But you know, if I occasionally. You know what I'm saying, You might look at them a little differently.

[A]

Betty, does your vibe change your.

[E]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

Okay, you keep it together.

[E]

I keep it together because I will never do that. But I'm just saying, Betty, Betty wants to do that. I can tell.

[A]

Well, Betty, do you want to have sex with these people or is it just an unconscious Sex dream?

[D]

No, I don't want to have sex with them in real life. I don't mind having these dreams. It's fun. I don't think it's problematic for me, but it tends to get in a way when I talk to these parents.

[A]

It gets uncomfortable, doesn't it?

[D]

Yeah, a bit. A bit. Because you see, the school is really close. The parents are really close there. I'm a friend on friend terms with them on first name basis and my son goes there as well.

[A]

Oh, you're also a parent. That is different, Betty.

[D]

Yeah, and actually sometimes he meets for play dates.

[E]

Are you married?

[A]

Yeah. Betty, what's going on?

[E]

Are you married?

[D]

Yeah, I am quite pretty.

[A]

Do you guys like pineapples?

[B]

Yeah. Honestly, put an upside down one on your door.

[E]

Do you, does your, does your partner know about these sex dreams?

[A]

A fair question.

[D]

Pardon me, I didn't get it.

[E]

Does your, does your partner, does your husband or wife, do they know about these sex dreams?

[D]

Oh, actually it was, it came after, after I got the email. I. I felt obliged to tell my husband that because you're gonna be on the show.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

Very well played.

[B]

Very smart.

[A]

You're like this, hey, by the way, I've been having sex dreams about all these parents. I'm be on the podcast. He goes, what is going on? You go, I told you everything. I'm not guilty. You're guilty. And so the question that I'm just going to, and correct me if I'm wrong, Betty, but it's. You've said you've had other sex dreams about other parents. So this is something that happens. Is it always a three way?

[D]

The parents change. It's. It's never the same person. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And so when somebody's currently in, let's call it your library, when you see them, do you get feelings and giggles as if you guys had an actual shared connection?

[D]

I think the persons that appear are mostly the parents that I'm a bit nervous about, like in normal life. So I think it's a bit of.

[A]

It's a way to process nerves. Now let me ask you a quick question. Okay, so Betty, just one more question. Now, as a doctor, the people you have dreams about, do you also kind of want to fuck them?

[D]

Oh, pardon me.

[A]

The people you lamorn, could you.

[E]

The people you have dreams about, you do want to have sex with them? Yes.

[D]

Well, no, I don't want to have. I don't want to have sex with them. Irl in real life, I think I'm not attracted to them.

[A]

Oh, you're not attracted to them?

[B]

No.

[D]

No.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

That's why you have a carousel.

[A]

Do you have sex terms of people you're not attracted to?

[B]

I've definitely been. I've definitely had sex with people I'm not attracted to in my dreams and in real life, to be quite honest with you. As I was saying that, I was realizing.

[A]

That's what I thought you were gonna say.

[B]

Just dreams.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That's happened regularly.

[A]

But is this. Is this a normal thing? Because I've obviously had sex dreams. I'm always attracted to the person. I've never dreamt. I've never had sex with somebody. In my dream that I woke up, I went like, I'm not attracted to him. Have you?

[E]

No. But I know what's happening here, what's happening, and I don't want to mess up anything she's got going on at home.

[A]

This isn't gonna. Hey, Betty. Can Lamorne speak freely? He thinks it might damage your husband's ego in terms of the reputation. I don't think it will because I know Lamorne, but are you okay to hear it?

[E]

She does want to have sex with him, but she's protecting herself from the husband who she knows is gonna listen, who she already told about. So. Because. Because she has a. What it is, is she has a fantasy about work. About the work sex life. Because. You know what I mean? Like, you have astute parent teacher conference, the kids go outside and play, and then before you know it, you got the husband just sitting there, just. Just. Just looking all fatherly.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And.

[A]

But there's also another mom.

[E]

Yeah. Because that's. That's when it gets weird, right? That's when it gets already weird.

[A]

Cause it's in the school.

[E]

Cause it's in the school. That's when it's a crime. You know what I'm saying? And it's dangerous. So some people like the thrills real bad, but some people like the thrill, Right. I think Betty likes the thrill.

[A]

I think you're taking the reins of this and making it personal and what you're really making about Betty.

[E]

Yeah, no, no, it's not about me. It's not about me, but. Because every time I think about having.

[A]

What?

[E]

Never mind.

[B]

No, go ahead.

[E]

No, go on.

[A]

Every time you think about sex. What, with a.

[E]

With a teacher.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Cuz you said that before you get turned on by teachers.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, because when I was a student, the teachers never wanted to me and I was like.

[A]

You were a little boy. We're going to go Back to Betty. Hey, Betty. Back to you, please. As so now, just please, please, please be honest, because Prague's an old city in a beautiful country. We can't deal with modern lies. Do you kind of want to have sex with these people? 10% of you?

[D]

Well, okay, so they are not unattractive.

[A]

Okay, okay, now we're being a little bit more not on it. Not unattractive means go ahead, please.

[D]

But they are not my types. Yeah, I, I, the pattern is that I've realized that I sort of feel intimidated by these parents, and I think it's my way of coping with them because, like, you know, the, the thing is, when you are nervous about somebody, you should imagine them naked. So. Yeah.

[B]

You're going further than that, though, Betty.

[E]

Yeah. You're doing well.

[A]

Yeah. But also, our subconscious doesn't do that trick. That's the whole. Imagine everybody in the. In their underpants. But, Betty.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think partly if you're intimidated by people, it could just be a sexual power play that your unconscious is going, this would be fun. Now, again, that's not necessarily what this call's about. The only reason we're exploring this is one, it's pervy, and two, it might help the pitch.

[B]

And it's enjoyable.

[A]

And it's enjoyable. It's a great call with your accent, with everything. The idea of a teacher being attracted to parents but have dreams about three ways, it just feels there's a lot.

[B]

It's an awesome problem.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You have an awesome problem. You have a hot, awesome problem.

[A]

And product sounds great, but it just sounds awes, awesome. And it feels like, well, now we just want to know more about the teacher. So if we're prying in any direction, you don't think this calls about, feel free to say pass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I do think my guy Lamorne was on to something. And now that we're here and the nerves were involved, and the only reason I asked this is because I do think it'll change the pitch. But if you're like, I, I'm not. They're not my type. I don't want to leave my husband for them.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, the idea of having a three way in here while I'm getting paid by the public school and the little brat kids are outside and no one knows, but I got that mom. I got that dad. I got that dad over there filming it. I got that mom over there doing sound. Yeah.

[E]

Film it doing sound.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

That's a whole production.

[A]

I mean, just podcast production level. Set up a camera.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hang some lights.

[B]

It's dream porn. Which we've all had, but.

[A]

So Betty. And if it's not there, we can stop pushing. Is there any smoke near this fire? Is there anything we're getting close to? Or is this a totally different thing?

[D]

I. I think it's quite different thing. I've never had these, like, intentions or.

[A]

Okay, no.

[D]

I'm thinking really deep in my.

[A]

Let Lamore make his final thing and then we'll move on Lamorn.

[E]

Betty, I. I already. I already love you, Betty. And I see what's happening here. You called because you don't know. So for you to say that you don't think that that's what it is. Gaslighting, Betty, I don't think you know what it is because you don't know. Because it's so dark. Allow us to illuminate your path, Betty. You a freak.

[A]

You a freak, Betty.

[E]

You a freak.

[A]

Let's talk about himself again.

[E]

And you don't. And you. And you. Probably in your regular life, you hold yourself with such posture. And you. And you're so polite. And you probably are the most beloved person in your community. But what they don't know, Betty, they don't know, Betty, is that you got a dungeon in that brain. Okay. You and your husband be doing wild stuff in that dungeon. And you trying to explore. You ready to break out? You ready to bust loose? Okay. And I just think you don't want to say it. You don't want to say it because of your stature in the community.

[A]

Looking in the mirror. Nah.

[B]

A little bit, Yeah.

[E]

I was waiting for you to say.

[B]

Betty won an Emmy.

[A]

So Betty is any of that. And then we'll move on. And the only reason I say this is Lamorne is a great guest helper because he gets to the center sometimes. Is this at all? Are we all there or. No. If we're not there, let's move on. But Betty.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You're freaking the sheets.

[D]

I'm not ashamed for having these dreams, but I just. I just don't want to be all giggly and unprofessional when I meet parents.

[E]

Well, I know how to fix that.

[A]

All right's got a picture. So we are gonna not talk about what you're attracted to. If this is real, we're just gonna get you to not be so giggly around them. Don't say fuck em. Go.

[E]

Okay, so here's what you do, right? What the parents sometimes do with the teacher at our school where my kid goes to is we'll have like A very casual hang. It's not a parent teacher conference, but we hang out all the come. It's at like 7pm There'll be like wine, cheese, you know, but the teachers are there is with. With the parents.

[A]

Right.

[E]

A little alcohol can expose some things. I think what you need to do. No, listen, listen, no, listen. Here's what I'm saying.

[A]

This is about make it happen.

[E]

Here's what I'm saying. She said that there is a power dynamic.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

But when everybody's drinking the same wine.

[A]

Now we're talking.

[E]

You're breaking down walls here. You're breaking down walls. So she's no longer uncomfortable because people start getting personal. You don't know their personal lives. So when you know a little bit of a deep.

[A]

It might change the attraction.

[E]

It might change it a little bit.

[A]

You might go, ooh, Betty, that's smart. You might need to get to. You might need to even cyber stalk them a little bit. Take. Get the fantasy out there and find out things you definitely don't like.

[E]

Yeah. Just know you have to know these people because right now there's an imagination about who they are, which is causing the intimidation.

[A]

This is interesting because what that would do is right now your brain's going to. I'm not attracted to them, but I kind of want to dream fuck them. And then you're like, oh, there they are. They were great. My dream fuck. Look at their Instagram, look at all their photos and go like, I hate this guy.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you keep you saying you think it's based on intimidation. So that is a way to get unintimidated. I would even add to Lamorne's pitch. What if you brought like some sloppy food there and you got to watch these people be gross eaters like this. Because I've seen when you see someone eat disgustingly, it does change things. So if, like our version would be Sloppy Joe's. If you watch the. If I watch someone I was attracted to mildly in my dream eat a sloppy Joe, that it would change it.

[A]

Buffalo wings.

[B]

Buffalo wings.

[A]

You know, mine was the first thing I wrote down. And this is actually close to Gareth. And you could combine them and this is going to sound like I'm doing a bit here, but I truly think this would work because I know it worked for me. Betty. They have those things where they have like fart bombs. Where. Stink bombs.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Before they come in, release a stink bomb.

[B]

There's fart spray.

[A]

Fart spray, yeah. So what you smell when you see.

[B]

Them is you're Eliminating a sense.

[A]

When they walk in and they go like, hi. They don't smell it.

[B]

I can get her some farts. I got too much.

[A]

Just spray it right by your own nose before. Or put something to spray it in the doorway.

[E]

That's terrible.

[A]

Why?

[E]

They will smell it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then they'll go like this. Yeah, she farted.

[E]

No. They don't want to take their kids.

[A]

Out of school because of a teacher farting.

[E]

Let me tell you what I don't want. Let me tell you what I don't want a woman teaching my kids how to be respectful, proper, how to do this, do that.

[A]

What are they getting, a cotillion?

[E]

I'm just saying, you a teacher school.

[A]

You want to be educated?

[E]

Yeah. No, no, no. A school, they spend more time with their students, with their teachers and with their friends than they do at home. I don't care.

[A]

They spend a lot of hearts.

[E]

I do. Because when I walk in, I go, this is an animal. This can't control her bow.

[A]

It's like a pig. It smells like a barn.

[E]

She can't control her goddamn bowels. My kid farting.

[A]

And if I walked in and it smelled like straight up and she acted normal, I'd be like, I couldn't. This. I might get here. There's flies flying around.

[B]

What if she said to you, I think you need to use the bathroom.

[A]

Oh, let out with. They farted.

[B]

Yeah. You make it seem like them, so it solidifies the.

[A]

Betty, do you have a dog?

[D]

I don't have a dog.

[A]

I was gonna say bring dog in. And then when they come and go, my dog just shit in here and throw it out.

[E]

I gotta say, these are terrible ideas.

[B]

We are sniffing around something because I really think.

[E]

I really think. What would nip it in the bud. I really think you just gotta put them in a room, be as casual.

[A]

As with people she had a dream with.

[E]

Yes. Alcohol worries me. You're. You're breaking down the walls of who these people are. They're just people.

[A]

I agree with this.

[E]

They are just people.

[A]

So, Betty, early on in the pitch. I just want to go to you for a second. It. We've got this idea of fart smells. We've got gross food, like a sloppy joe, which I think is really good. Or like a. You know what a buffalo wing is? How you have to eat with your fingers. It's disgusted. Then Lamord's got his. Get to know them so you see their flaws. Either get drunk with him, which I think is a dangerous move, or stalk them. Internet stalk. Him early on. What are you thinking of? The things you're hearing from us.

[D]

I think I kind of like a mix. Because, like, the easiest thing about this is that we have a. Like, end of school year parties where there's alcohol present and also food made by the kids so it looks disgusting and it's not well made.

[A]

Perfect.

[D]

And. Yeah. So that's really doable. That's perfect. And I only have to wait, like, five months, so everything.

[A]

Well, that's. But by the way, that's too long, in my opinion. I'm gonna pitch something, and I know I'm gonna get teased as it's a bad pitch, but I actually don't think it's a bad pitch. I want you to masturbate about them again, but have, like, a really bad session again.

[E]

I don't think she did the first time.

[A]

The dream is a version of masturbating.

[B]

Dreams are masturbation.

[E]

Are you masturbating during this dream?

[A]

No, but her brain is masturbating.

[E]

But you don't know she's. What if she said, hell, yeah, Betty.

[A]

Are you masturbating while dreaming? Because then you're not dreaming. That's called fantasizing.

[D]

No, I. I'm, like, close to unconsciousness when I dream.

[A]

That's exactly. Everybody is. Besides Lamorn. Lamorn refers to fantasies as dreams and any masturbates.

[E]

No, you said. You said masturbate.

[A]

No, I know, but then you said, did she masturbate while she's dreaming? And I said, that's physically impossible because she's asleep.

[E]

No, no, no, no, no. You don't know what your hands are doing.

[A]

That's what I mean. This is a.

[F]

You think?

[E]

Because when you're dreaming, sometimes you still, like.

[A]

Yeah, that's you.

[B]

I've caught myself before. I've got myself on myself.

[E]

So what you doing?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

You dirty dog.

[A]

J. Dirty dog at work. Referring to yourself as a dirty dog while mouse rain's wild.

[B]

Yeah, Disgusted.

[E]

Get out of here.

[B]

All right, just finish.

[A]

So here. Here's my. An honest pitch. Put them in a conscious fantasy that really grosses you out and goes sideways. So that your unconscious is saying, I just had this weird experience with them. Your conscious brain is going, like, I don't want to. So when you see them, it's. You've already had a full relationship with these people, and it's now over. So it's, like, perfect. Thank you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

You really think that's perfect?

[B]

Betty, we're all shocked by what you just said.

[A]

Wait, Betty, please. You Talk.

[D]

Again.

[A]

So you said that was perfect. Did you mean that? And if so, elaborate on what you're thinking of doing to heighten that. And if that's going to work, why do you think that would work for you?

[D]

Yeah, I think it's perfected. I will intentionally think about something really, like, unthinkable about him.

[A]

Now I get what you mean about the giggly stuff.

[D]

I will spoil my. I will spoil my past memories with them. So, yes, and I really appreciate it. The thought that. That you said it is actually about. About power imbalance. That's actually really, really deep. And I thank you for this.

[A]

You're very welcome. Thank you for saying. No one's ever said that to me in my life. It's crazy.

[B]

We need more broadcast.

[A]

I'm actually gonna start crying. I've been going for this for a long time. I really just hit home. Thank you so much. Yeah. Been considered stupid since I was younger.

[B]

They used to put me in a different room. Okay. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. They took me out of fourth grade and put me in a room with a guy who's 35 years old in overalls with a beard. It's a true story. I said, like, these are adults. And my mom said, you're not going to that room anymore. Don't tell anyone. You're just lazy. So, Betty, back to you for a second. Will you walk us through the fantasy you're going to do tonight? What time is it in Prague?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I think that we will start really, like, nicely. It will be a date, maybe somewhere in a restaurant with a glass of wine. And then I think they will, like, burp or do something really, like, disgusting, Physical.

[A]

Yes. What else could they do? That would be. But, Betty, while you're doing this, I want you to be round three of masturbating. So I don't want this to be like this. I want you to be in the throes of it. And then the guy, in your defense, all of a sudden, he burps, and you're like, what are you doing? I'm trying to finish.

[B]

You might need to send your husband out of town for a week.

[A]

He'll be fine. Tell him to keep watching TV in the other room. So. But, Betty. So he's gonna burp. Keep going. That's disgusting. Especially in that moment. Keep going. Yeah.

[D]

Out of their mouth. Or, like, they can drool.

[E]

Y.

[A]

No. Or they have food on the corners of their mouth while talking. Yeah.

[D]

How about bad breath? Yeah, definitely. Huge turn off.

[A]

Yeah, huge turn off. How about dirty fingernails?

[B]

Oh, no, what about biting his toenails?

[E]

How about a dirty dick?

[A]

Now you're talking about yourself again. He doesn't. Oh, I just realized, guys, Natalie Lamour doesn't have headphones in. He can't hear the caller.

[B]

Thought we were just having a conversation the whole time.

[A]

Who's this Betty character you talked about that whole time? Jake, you've gone crazy. So. All right, but this is very good, Betty. So will you do me a favor? Will you. This is inappropriate. But that's what our show is. Will you masturbate tonight with this thing? And I want it to be so off putting that literally midway through, you're like, I'll pass. Don't finish.

[B]

And remember, there's a lot of people in your world, so you're gonna have to really go to town for the next couple weeks.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, in like, 15 minutes. Because it's closer to 11 here.

[B]

We'll stay on the line.

[A]

But, Betty, you. But we have to do this, Betty, because the giggling's out of control. You have a giggling thing when you get. When you get. Get sexually uncomfortable. And if I were a parent and the woman walked in and goes like, can I tell you about your kid? I'd be like, I would rather it would smell like dog in there.

[B]

My dog. Just.

[A]

So how many people right now are you currently having dreams about and giggling when you see. Is it just these two? This man and this woman?

[D]

Yeah, there are two.

[A]

Okay, great. So one session tonight, and then when will you see them next?

[D]

Yeah, I will see them tomorrow. So I can. Yeah, tomorrow.

[B]

Call us after the session tonight, and then we'll.

[A]

Betty, here's what I'd really like to have happen. If you can do a really gross session tonight, I think she should also be gross, and I would like it to really turn you off. But when you're done, stay in the fantasy for another 10 minutes. So the fantasy could end now that you're like, that was gross. Keep your eyes closed. Stay in the fantasy with these disgusting people all the way until they get dressed and leave. Finish the fantasy until they go number.

[B]

Two in your bathroom.

[A]

Yes. And leave the door open and they keep talking during it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

And they top tank you, which means they in your tank and not in your toilet.

[A]

So then tomorrow, will you go out of your way to talk to them to see if this theory has worked?

[D]

Definitely.

[A]

But I want you to think before of them farting and just being like.

[E]

Ew.

[B]

A disgusting session.

[E]

I just. I don't.

[A]

Wait, before we go, Mr. Morris, this.

[E]

Is going to be so inappropriate. I don't know. This is in other, you know, people are. You never know. People are. I think, I think what's happening with Betty is. I think she's into this stuff. Hear me out now. Please hear me out. Because when I say, are you attracted to these people just as people, she said, gross. Don't want to them. But now she's willing to masturbate to them farting and shitting.

[B]

Well, she's trying to cure herself.

[E]

No, no, no. She's trying to get off. And I think this is a.

[A]

Hey, Betty. No getting off on this disgusting stuff.

[B]

I think if you get off, it's a loss.

[E]

I think Betty likes.

[A]

And a win and a win also.

[B]

Either way, we're happy.

[E]

She likes farts and shit.

[A]

I don't think so, Lamar. I think you're talking about yourself.

[E]

Betty, you've been to Dubai.

[A]

Okay. Goodbye, Betty.

[B]

Bye, Betty.

[A]

Hey, Betty. Follow up with us.

[D]

Bye. Thank you very much.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Quint.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[G]

Hello.

[A]

How are you?

[G]

I'm good. How are you?

[A]

Good. Can we get your name please?

[G]

My name's Elizabeth.

[A]

Elizabeth. You have a nickname?

[G]

You could call me Liz if you want.

[A]

Do you go by Liz?

[E]

She's like Daryl.

[A]

Yeah, Liz is cool. I got my daughter's name, Elizabeth. She doesn't do nicknames. Where are you calling from, Elizabeth?

[G]

I'm calling from Chicago.

[E]

Let's go.

[A]

We're in Chicago.

[G]

I live up in Lakeview, so.

[A]

And what'd you think of the Bears season? You care?

[G]

Totally unexpected. I love it. I'm heartbroken, but, you know, can't complain.

[A]

Real dorky finish to this. I sent Caleb his last DM and I realized I'm done. What?

[B]

How many in a row without being responded to?

[A]

He said he always responds in his way, like, like, thank you.

[B]

Is it just the heart likes?

[A]

That's not a response you'll give a little bit. Sometimes he doesn't want to be friendly.

[B]

What was the last thing you wrote it.

[A]

Thanks for the great season. If you're ever in LA and want to take a hike, you know where to find me. After I sent it, I went so stupid. This is.

[B]

And then did have you seen if he's seen it.

[G]

I think you want it too bad. I think you want it too bad.

[A]

I do. It's gross. Also, I'm way too old. I, I, I'm about three decades older than this guy.

[B]

Can you imagine you hiking with Caleb Williams?

[A]

I thought it'd be funny.

[E]

You want to go for a hike? I want to go.

[A]

Honestly. Because I'm not going to go out at night. Night.

[E]

The world class athlete.

[A]

Well, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna do what I would do with you guys. Dinner.

[E]

If Michael Jordan said, let's go have cigars and whiskey at night, you're gonna say no, I'm gonna go, can we hike instead?

[A]

I'm gonna go like this one night of the week. So, Elizabeth, if he says yes, would you come too?

[E]

If Caleb Williams said absolutely.

[A]

Okay. If you want to go hiking with me and Lamore and let us know.

[E]

You know, I'm a member of the team, basically. You know what I mean? Like I was on the picture of that release video I did the year before. Yeah. But my face was on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And have my face in the middle with the coach.

[A]

Hey, if you want to do the same thing, let me know. Yeah.

[E]

The whole team.

[A]

Shut up. The whole squad. I was on it too. Yeah.

[E]

Because I, because I requested you.

[B]

Oh.

[E]

I put in a call for you, Elizabeth.

[A]

What can we do for you today?

[G]

So I've been having this issue. I have been going to Pilates and.

[E]

Yeah, I can see why that would be a problem since to be why stupid. Wow.

[A]

Based off Joseph Pilates personal work, it's.

[E]

Lamorne, by the way.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I said that. Lamorin Morris.

[B]

I don't think he did.

[A]

He didn't.

[E]

You didn't.

[A]

Elizabeth, you got the great Lamorne Morris. Did you know that?

[G]

I could tell by the voice, but. Hello, Lamorne.

[E]

Hey, how are you?

[A]

Hey, Elizabeth. Are you a Lamorne fan?

[G]

I. I mean, I love new girls, so I love both of you guys. And Gareth, of course.

[B]

Thank you very much. Yeah.

[E]

New girl alum.

[A]

So, Elizabeth, you go to Pilates?

[D]

Yes.

[G]

So I would say since the beginning of December, they have been playing the same playlist over and over again every time I go in.

[A]

Yeah, I get this.

[G]

So there. It's a. I love the studio. I love the times I go at. But, like, there is a moment. It's a 50 minute class, and there is like four songs in a row at probably the most difficult point in every class. And it's just the loudest and worst songs you could think of. And then you can't hear the instructor, and it's just the most frustrating. And I'm not saying I'm good at Pilates, but, like, I'm getting really fed up. It's annoying, right?

[A]

Yeah. So, Elizabeth, before we get to the.

[D]

What.

[A]

What type of music?

[G]

It's like pop. I don't know if I can give. Can I give specific songs?

[A]

Sure, of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[G]

So one is. It's like the.

[D]

The.

[G]

Oh, God, I don't know the name.

[E]

The.

[G]

Like a River is that song. And then Walk the moon. Like, shut up and dance.

[E]

Oh, shut up and dance with me. I know that one.

[A]

But these are really popular songs. I thought Pilates was more like. Yeah, the hard part.

[E]

No, Pilates is aggressive.

[A]

Understood. Okay, so they're turning this into kind of like a pop disco. Let's go.

[B]

But she's more upset that the songs are repetitive. You don't mind that part of the class? It's just that the same four songs play on a loop.

[G]

Correct.

[D]

Or.

[G]

So it's a. It's a 50 minute playlist. But specifically, those four songs are at the, like, toughest part. You can't hear the instructor over the base.

[A]

Interesting.

[G]

I feel like an old lady's complaining.

[B]

About the same instructor.

[E]

I got a few.

[F]

I got a few.

[G]

No, different classes, different instructors.

[A]

Weird. Really weird. Go ahead, Lamorne.

[E]

No, we'll get to that part, I guess.

[A]

So, Elizabeth, this is very clean. This is a great problem to have. What is the. Unless you have more. If I'm interrupting you, please keep going. But then whatever you're done. What is the question that we could help you with. With. But if there's more setup, feel free.

[G]

Okay, so my question is, how do I get them to change the playlist without them knowing it's me suggesting it?

[A]

Without. Okay, that's the turn.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

You don't want to be confrontational, Lamor Morris. Go ahead.

[E]

I got a couple things. So usually. Usually at an establishment like that, that's public, they have two WI fi.

[B]

Right.

[E]

One of them is. It depends on how, the size of the plotty studio, if you get the WI fi information. If they only have one WI fi, you're. You're gold. Because all you got to do is change the music yourself.

[B]

I'm talking about hacking.

[E]

I've done it. You have, Bro, I've done it at the airport.

[B]

You've hacked the wifi.

[E]

Those. Those big. In the Austin airport has these big screens, like, on the wall. I forget. The Delta Lounge or something. These big screens, and they're playing the same, like, videos.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I can get on the Bluetooth and change what's on the screen.

[B]

What are you changing to?

[E]

I've just played, like, weird YouTube stuff. Like, I could have done anything far worse.

[A]

Anything.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

And I'm like, they haven't. They haven't, like, locked this up for, like, that's crazy. Like, this is crazy.

[B]

You can just.

[E]

Anybody can change it. And the same with restaurants. I've done it at restaurants before. When I get on the WI fi and I realize it's the only WI fi they have, I'll change the music.

[A]

How do you do it? It. So you get on the WI fi?

[E]

Yeah. If you have Spotify, Apple music, you can control. Like, if you want to connect to, like, when you open up your music, it'll bring up the sources of, like.

[A]

Oh, and it's like you overpower their Bluetooth connection with yours.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. It's like adding songs to the queue, to the playlist.

[A]

Okay, so Elizabeth, one move is to pirate their Bluetooth and play your own music.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

And then another one. Another thing you can do is because I'm not sure if you have to hear these. I mean, if you take these classes all the time.

[D]

Time.

[E]

Just do the workout. Just put some ear pods in and listen to your own music while you watch this. This woman do the whole thing. You can just listen to your own playlists.

[B]

I. I like that because that gives you that option. And also, it kind of sends a little subtle message that you're kind of over it.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I got one. So Gareth and I were both peloton guys for a little bit, and we would discuss how sometimes you just listen to your own music.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So the third that I would probably do here, Elizabeth, is.

[B]

And it.

[A]

It is going to be a little confrontational, but I. I think it's going to still work with your question. When the music gets loud and you want it to end, ask a question quietly. So the teacher goes, like, everybody. Need everybody. And go like this. Raise your hand, and then go like. And they go, what's that? That? And you go, like, I really like it. And they. I can't hear. And then when they come over, they turn down. You go, I'm so sorry. I can't hear a word you're saying. The music's blasting. What you're hoping is somebody else goes, I can't hear anything.

[E]

Yeah, right.

[A]

You're making them fix the problem by going, I can't hear people in this class asking questions. So you're not saying change the music. You're saying, we can't communicate. And I must. Might. And this is a bit of a Gareth pitch. I might fake an injury in order to. In the. Your eyebrows go up and down a little more.

[B]

You went like this. I know what I like. I think that's great.

[A]

I.

[B]

Honestly, the way I reacted, I was like, that's pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's like someone fed me my own recipe. And I was like, that's delicious.

[A]

But imagine this if she fakes an injury.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And they go, are you okay? And you go like. And all they hear is, my life is a psych. And the guy's gonna go, turn the music down. Yes.

[B]

I like. Listen, fake injury is great.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Fake injury works 90 of the time for problems for people who call on this show, FYI. I got one more, please. Why don't you call the studio a few times over the next couple weeks as different people and say that they're playing the same songs and you don't like it and you're wondering if they're going to change it. Why don't we call and complain?

[A]

Why don't you. You. Why don't we start calling and we'll record.

[B]

Why don't we do one now?

[A]

Why don't we do one now? And then you're not part of it. We'll beep out the name of the studio.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But we'll see if they can answer and we can complain about the music and the value. Therefore, you haven't done it. We have done it. We have Solved your problem.

[E]

Give us some details really quick.

[A]

She hasn't said she wants to do that. That's just a pitch.

[E]

Okay. I just want to know who, like, I just want to know, like, what time she's taking this class.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also the name of the class.

[A]

Yes. So as of now. Elizabeth. Elizabeth from Lakeview.

[G]

Yes.

[A]

You got headphones. You got fake injury. Yeah. You've got us call in right now with you on the phone listening.

[E]

I got another one too.

[A]

And Lamorne has another one. Yeah.

[E]

Try yoga.

[B]

It's an interesting pitch.

[E]

Let's switch it up.

[A]

Ms. Elizabeth, aka Liz. You liking any of these?

[G]

I'm liking. That's you guys calling the studio instead of me because I'm so non confrontational.

[D]

So that's legit.

[A]

Okay. You want us to do it? We'll do it right now.

[B]

Start it. I'll do this in my free time. By the way too.

[A]

What's the name of the studio? We'll beep this out.

[G]

Pilates. There's an issue.

[A]

There's no phone number. Oh, there's no phone number at this place.

[E]

I'm on my way to Chicago soon. I could just go there and be like, ah, the music. The music sucks.

[A]

Would you. And we'll film it. Would totally do it.

[E]

I would totally do it if you did.

[A]

But are you going to be anywhere near?

[E]

Yeah. How? I mean, I.

[A]

Because if you go in with your phone and do that and talk to him and say, can you change the music? That would be the funniest ending.

[B]

That'd be great. And they'll go like, that's a thousand calls.

[A]

What are you doing here? And you go like this. I just have to talk to you about the music.

[B]

Why is it the same four songs every time?

[A]

And when it gets really intense, it's too much.

[E]

Yeah, I get it. Shut up and dance. All right.

[A]

Right.

[E]

I'm dancing. Can we change it now?

[B]

Then you fake an injury.

[A]

La. Can we get a taste of what you would have said? I'll be the person.

[E]

You're Deborah. Who. Who are you?

[A]

Hi, this is Deborah from.

[E]

Hey, Deborah from a. Hi. I'm a big time celebrity and from Hollywood. From Hollywood.

[A]

Who?

[E]

You know me.

[A]

I don't know the voice.

[E]

You know me or Jake Johnson?

[A]

Don't know him. Oh, the fat guy from the podcast?

[E]

Yeah, the David Cross Drummolds guy.

[A]

See, I know him.

[E]

I'm him adjacent. So. So I've been taking your classes lately and one thing I would say it's. I'm still. I'm still Fat. Because.

[A]

Okay, we're done. Elizabeth, we can't call. So we could do the email thing and the writing in that is less fun, but it could be effective. What do you think about the fake injury?

[G]

I think I could do it because my. I typically go at 7am on Tuesdays and Thursdays and there's one other guy in my class, he's like six years old.

[A]

So it's just the three of you.

[G]

Three?

[A]

Oh, that's perfect.

[G]

So I don't mind.

[A]

Oh, wait, hold on. Elizabeth, this is huge. I didn't realize it was a 50 year old guy and you and the teacher. So here's what you do.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

It's perfect. Here's what you do. Get small talking with him before the class. See if he's into the Bears. I think something Chicago based. Then when it goes, keep asking him the occasional question. He's going to be so excited that a young lady's talking to him and he's going to think it's fun. He won't be able to hear you. So make him drive him to the point. Talk quieter and quieter and then be like. And he'll finally go like, please, honey, somebody. If it happened to me, I would die. I'd go. If she was like, yeah. And then you started laughing and then you're like, you know what I mean? Eventually I would keep it together and by the fourth song I'd be like, hey, Chad, somebody up there, turn this. I can't hear what this lady's saying. So I would say poke the bear. Make this guy. It's either the teacher or the 50 year old old. But if he's a 50 year old Chicago man, he's gonna talk.

[B]

Yeah, I have another pitch.

[G]

Oh yeah.

[B]

What if you, what if you take like a little like basket and you fill it with earplugs and you put a sign on it that says free earplugs. If the music is too loud.

[A]

I love this.

[B]

And you set it right outside of the studio and they don't know you did it. But that's like a subtle message to the place that there's a movement inside a cell of people who are, who are not enjoying the volume.

[A]

And Elizabeth, you do it after, during the bus time.

[B]

Yeah, just sneak it in and let them do get two of them and just put them like. But when you're walking in, in the lobby and then right before you go in the studio and just let them try to figure out what the is going on.

[E]

Yeah, I, I like that.

[A]

I like that a lot.

[E]

I like that. It's a subtle. It's really subtle.

[A]

And you could do it. So you could bring the thing under your towel and as you're walking in, just push it to the side.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So no one even sees the drop.

[E]

Or you know what you could do? Here's what I. Here's what I. I honestly would do. Hey, can you switch it up.

[B]

Direct.

[E]

Action and you gotta say it loud. And they're gonna be mad that you're yelling, but you'll be like, I had to yell because this music is deafening. I would love to keep paying you to be here, but I'm paying you money and I can't hear shit. And I keep hearing. I know the words to all of these songs. I shouldn't know the words to shut up and dance.

[A]

You're doing a bad job right now.

[E]

But who's teaching the class? Who's the name of the teacher?

[A]

This isn't what she wants to do.

[E]

Who's the name of the teacher? You never know. Hold on. Who's the name of the teacher?

[G]

Her name is.

[A]

Will be. Her name is Veronica.

[E]

Veronica. Say Veronica. You okay?

[A]

Terrible.

[E]

So you start by.

[B]

She won't be able to hear her.

[E]

Like, you want this money and actually don't pay her tech, like through credit card. You bring that cash in, let her know that that shit's going back in your pocket. She don't turn that sweaty Pilates pockets. Be like. Or you do like Floyd Mayweather does. He goes to basketball games. He has a duffel bag full of cash. You show up with a duffel bag full of cash and go, this would have been for you.

[A]

You.

[E]

But I'm going across the street where they play that classical soft rock that I like.

[A]

Elizabeth, is there a Pilates studio across the street?

[B]

And do you have a bag full of money?

[G]

No and no.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

You've changed.

[A]

All right, so I think. I think here's what we go with Elizabeth. My pitch to you. But then I want to hear your pitch is you get the old guy talking, you take over the Bluetooth. We can, as a show do comments on the email.

[B]

We can text too. I mean, there's a number, but yeah, we can start. Yeah, we can send a message.

[A]

We can send a message or two. But you could also do that because that's not confrontational. So what are you thinking? What do you want to do here?

[B]

Or earplugs.

[A]

Or earplugs. Earplugs is the big one.

[G]

I think I'm gonna. The friend, my 50 year old friend.

[A]

And.

[G]

Just kind of like, oh, yeah, you hear that? And then he's gonna be like, no. And then, yeah, you know, you can.

[A]

Also do with that.

[D]

I think that's good.

[A]

I think that's good too. But Elizabeth, because I feel like what's going to happen because you're not confrontational is you're going to start it a little bit and then not want to get too quiet. The other thing you could do as a younger lady to a 50 year old Chicago guy is you could bring up the problem to him and say completely. You feel so awkward talking about, does he agree he gets to be the hero, by the way, Chicago, he's a.

[B]

50 year old Chicago guy. He thinks it's too loud.

[A]

Yeah, I'll go. Agreed. 100. He just doesn't want to ruin the vibe for a 20. Yeah, Elizabeth, 28. 30. 30 years old. He doesn't want to ruin the vibe for a 30 year old gal. He's going like this. I can't hear, but she's happy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if you go like this, I don't know what to tell you, chief. I can't hear anything. He'll go, honey, I haven't heard a word since this thing started.

[B]

And you can even say to him, we should say lower the.

[A]

If I had a little bit more guts, I would say, here's what you do, Elizabeth.

[B]

Oh yeah, this go.

[A]

Oh, I hate that music. He'll go, I like that. And then go like this. If I had a little bit more guts, I would say something. But I guess I'm just a pushover. And they go, I guess we're all just pushovers.

[B]

I wish someone would say something.

[A]

They'll go, oh, I'm not a push.

[E]

Like I'm old school.

[A]

I'm old.

[E]

I'm gonna, I'm gonna plant crack cocaine on this person and call the police. They'll arrest this. Get her out of here, Chicago. That's what we do. We plant crack on people.

[D]

Jake.

[B]

Jake's.

[A]

So we're not pitching. Is that old school Chicago is planting crack.

[E]

Wait, where's this neighborhood again? Oh, never mind. Yeah, they don't do that over there.

[A]

So Elizabeth, what are you thinking? What are you actually going to do here? Because I do think we're close to a solution. Solution.

[G]

I am going to befriend the 50 year old and just say like before class, you know what? The music stinks. What do you think? And then he's gonna be like, yeah, I hate it. And then I'm gonna say, I don't have the guts. But you should tell them to switch it.

[A]

No, here's don't tell him. Let him get to that. Yeah, you just. You don't have the guts to it. You wish you did. Let him get the idea. I got the guts. Can we do this really fast? Ask. Will you be you. Will you be a 50 year old Chicago man and could we actually see how this goes?

[B]

You nervous about this at all?

[A]

No.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Because I'm stupid and I never learn.

[E]

So the door is open.

[A]

The door. It's before class. The door is open. The teacher has. It's 7am on a Tuesday. Elizabeth. What's this guy's name or something? What can we start with? With?

[G]

I'll call him Bob.

[A]

Bob. Okay, Bob. All right. So, Bo. Elizabeth. You see Bob and really in your head, please picture Bob. Let's practice for real. I need you to be sincere to see if this has a chance because Lamor's gonna go off the rails.

[E]

You think? No.

[A]

Okay, so Elizabeth.

[B]

I think this will be fine.

[A]

So three, two, let's see what happens. Okay.

[E]

I'm just Bob. Just sitting here. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, toots. What's your name again?

[G]

How's it going?

[E]

Ah, it's going. Elizabeth. Yeah, it's good to see you. Just getting out of the house from the old ball and chain.

[F]

Whatever.

[E]

What a What A real dead weight, you know what I mean?

[A]

So what's her name?

[E]

My dead weight? My dead weight? Gertrude. She used to be a bimbo back in the day, but I changed her life around. But I'm here. I'm here. She said she has a problem with my. With my gut. So I'm just trying to work that off.

[A]

Pilates is good for the heart. It's good for her attacks.

[E]

But I love her. I love her so much. But I'm here now with you. It's just us, I guess. What's up? You got that look in your eye again.

[B]

Don't be afraid to jump in.

[E]

Liz, you got that look in your eye again. I don't trust it.

[B]

Let's jump in soon.

[A]

God, look. And as a former cop, when I see this crack on the ground, I know something's up.

[E]

So spit it out.

[G]

I love Pilates, man. But I'll tell you, this music, it's. It's tough to get through class with this playlist. Am I right, guys?

[E]

You know something? That's a change of pace for me. I kind of love it so much.

[A]

Elizabeth, you're in a great zone. Do not. In my opinion, don't Tell him the answer. Let him come to it. And then go like, you're not nervous.

[B]

Well, you also. You could do this over two or three classes, so don't lay it on two. Totally first time.

[A]

Don't be obvious.

[B]

Yeah, less is less is more at first.

[A]

So can we just hear your side of it, how you might do it, Elizabeth?

[G]

So I'll be like, hey, Bob, what's going on? Then he's gonna be like, hey, what's going on? I'm gonna say, ready for Pilates? And he's gonna say, yep. And I'm. And then the next class, I'm gonna.

[A]

Come in, and that first class was a waste. Hold on, Elizabeth. That first one was a throwaway. We didn't get any closer to the goal. Yeah, you can go a little.

[B]

I know they're establishing a friendship, but I get the idea. Yeah, that's like six months. Let's do three weeks.

[A]

Yeah. Let's go a shorter game. Let's go two talks. All right. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Honestly.

[G]

So I'll say. I'll say, hey, man, are you ready for class?

[D]

Yes.

[G]

And then he'll be like, yeah. And then I'll be like, you know I love it, but, you know, that music is so loud. Am I right?

[A]

Yeah, it's pretty loud, right? Hell, yeah. They get a blasting. And then.

[G]

I wish I had.

[A]

Then you leave it. Then you leave it.

[E]

You dropping a seed right now.

[A]

Oh, but if you.

[B]

Because he might.

[E]

Because he might go in and say something.

[A]

You're totally right, Elizabeth. But also, follow your gut. But if you go, yeah, it's really great. Then you go, the music's so loud. Loud. He'll say something. And if you totally leave it. Then during it being loud, make eye contact.

[B]

I was gonna say, yeah. Don't be afraid to lock eyes and give it like.

[A]

Like, be like, huh? And then do the signal for, like, I can't hear anything. And then he is going to get the hints that he cannot help. As a older Chicago guy, he's gonna go, you mind turning it down? Because that is what. What an older Chicago guy has to do.

[B]

It's what he's thinking.

[A]

It's what he's thinking.

[B]

It's what he's thinking before you talk to him.

[A]

And so therefore, you didn't egg him on at all. In his eyes, he thinks he fully came up with this.

[E]

How long you been taking this class again?

[G]

I've been going, well, it's been the same playlist since, like, the beginning of December.

[E]

Okay. So I gotta say, Like a month and a half. I'm gonna throw you a curveball here. And I hate to do this to you. You're right. Jake, he's a 50 year old guy. He hasn't said anything.

[A]

Right.

[E]

It ain't bothering him.

[A]

Right. But it will be when she brings it up.

[B]

He's gonna do it for her honor.

[E]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah, I do. I think he doesn't like it. Like, look, I. I used to take a hot yoga in Pasadena and there was a lot I hated about it, but because I was the only gentleman, I'm not opening my mouth. I'm not ruining it for these other 17 ladies. If one of the ladies went like, do you kind of wish they would stop giving us motivational speeches all the time and just teach us the moves? I would go, yeah. Yes. And if she goes, we all feel that way. Then I would go, like with the motivational speech, I'd go like this. I got it. What does it have to do with my knee? Wrap it up, wrap it up. But I can't lead out with that because as a 50 year old guy, he's already at an away game. Yeah, in a Pilates studio. As a 50 year old man, you're in an away game.

[E]

No, you're not, because there's only two people in there.

[A]

I know, but you're not meant to be there.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Joseph Pilates created a long time ago. It's not for us anymore.

[E]

Somebody named Joseph Pilates created.

[A]

That's how it started. It's a guy's last name.

[E]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Holy. Just a guy named Joe.

[B]

Same with yoga. Todd Yoga.

[F]

That's a.

[A]

That's a lie.

[B]

It's not true.

[A]

Yeah, but Joseph Pilates is true.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

I know.

[E]

What about Jack Karate? Is that a real thing?

[A]

But will you follow up with us? Because I really do believe this is going to work. The key to me, the key for me, Elizabeth, is the complaint is if you go, oh, this music. It's so loud and it's so repetitive. It's the same stuff. Give your facts so that he can fix it.

[G]

Yep, you got it.

[A]

Thank you for the call.

[B]

Lamorne, you might not know this, but Jake has a fantasy about my mother. I know. We're coming off that. You do?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you, Pam? Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, it's not really a fantasy.

[B]

We've now have a thing and, you know, it's troubling.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so Jake commissioned art. Do you want to explain the painting to him?

[A]

I did not commission this.

[B]

Oh. Someone Sent it.

[A]

Somebody. Somebody called in. They are an artist, and they said, I made a painting of you and Pam. Would you like to see it?

[B]

And it's horrifying.

[A]

And it's me and her on a horse with our shirts off. And we're about to.

[E]

Her shirt's off.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, but that's not commission.

[B]

And then when I saw it, I mean, it's more. If it's my mother, and she's like, it's. It's horrifying, it looks like.

[A]

But it's a pretty good painting.

[B]

It is, but it's. I'll be honest. You can see my mother's nipple in it. It's crazy.

[A]

I said this merch.

[B]

Jake was really fired up about it, and he was pitching merch. And I said to him, off the record. I said, no merch. And it's the most contrite I've ever heard of because he just goes, okay.

[A]

I backed off. I said, how funny would it be if it's like shirts and stuff when you do stand? And he goes like, I don't like this. Yeah.

[B]

And I don't want it to be merch.

[A]

All right, I'll be back off.

[E]

It's your mom's titties.

[B]

It's mama's tits. It's on Jake. It's crazy. She lives in England.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Well, for whatever reason, Natalie has an update.

[A]

Oh, Mike. My God.

[E]

Wait, what the.

[A]

Well, first, I want. Lamore, your thoughts.

[B]

It's tough.

[E]

Oh, my gosh. Hold on. Oh, man.

[B]

Now, that's my mother.

[E]

Okay, so your mom, first of all.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Thick. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

More on my. First of all, can we talk about how Jake looks emaciated?

[A]

Oh, no, real thoughts. Lamore, when you see this, it's just a work of art.

[E]

When I. First of all, it's artistic. I do like this work of art. Your mom's got a real Bette Midler vibe going on in this photo right there. And Bette Midler. Somebody. Somebody who could get it.

[B]

Okay, but remember, focus on, like.

[E]

No, no, I'm just trying to. You said analyze it. First thing when I think.

[B]

I don't even think I said that, but I think Jake said that.

[A]

But.

[B]

Yeah, I don't need that part of.

[E]

Me say, what do you want me to say? What do you want me to. Like, what do you want me to analyze?

[A]

Thoughts? Because I know my thoughts.

[B]

Yeah, Thoughts is.

[E]

You know.

[B]

I mean, actually, we don't need your thoughts. Do you find it to be inappropriate?

[E]

Do I find this to be inappropriate.

[B]

Yeah. Is this an inappropriate thing for.

[A]

This is beautiful.

[B]

Someone you work with to have.

[A]

Have.

[E]

It's not an actual photo of your mother.

[A]

So it's artistic. That's how I feel. It's an artistic interpretation.

[E]

Right. And then I love this. Now it. It all depends on how. How Pam feels, you know More the.

[B]

Troubling part is I bet she would grow.

[A]

Pam and I get along really well. We talk, we make jokes. We have a lot of fun together. Gareth is definitely the teenage kid who started military school.

[E]

Things going on with him. He's got to call you dad that.

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, he doesn't have to. No, but it wouldn't be disrespectful if he did once.

[B]

No.

[A]

For all the stuff I do for his ass. I'm not calling Pop one day or sir. But instead he goes, no, no, I don't like it. I don't want my mom to be sexually pleased.

[E]

Oh, you think your mom is just out dry.

[B]

I'm not answering that question.

[A]

This is what I don't.

[B]

Jake keeps threatening military school.

[A]

Okay? A little brat.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

He gonna send you away.

[A]

He won't.

[B]

They won't have me, Lamore.

[A]

Why not? They won't have you at a military middle school.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They won't. A thousand reasons.

[A]

Tell me one.

[B]

Way too old.

[A]

I'm a grown man.

[E]

Grown man.

[B]

Bad time.

[A]

To the artist who did that. Thank you for doing it. I find it beautiful.

[B]

I feel the exact opposite.

[A]

I love that it's on the wall.

[B]

I hate that part.

[A]

I love that this studio's building out. I appreciate what you're doing.

[B]

I like everything.

[E]

Is this pre or post coital?

[A]

This is.

[B]

We should get the call. Yeah, so we should get the call.

[E]

This artist out there, whoever you are, we'll get to the call. Call Amy. We'll get to you in a second, Amy. But I do want this artist to. To. Oh, Amy's the artist. Amy, can you please. And I'll. And I'll pay for it. Can you make another one of this?

[B]

No, no, no.

[E]

With.

[A]

How about this? Not.

[B]

No.

[A]

Amy, can you make another one right after?

[E]

No, just during.

[B]

You know what I thought was about to happen?

[E]

Reverse girl.

[B]

Hey. No.

[E]

Then after.

[B]

My mother physically is not going to be able to do reverse cowgirls on both of you. She's to about hip.

[A]

I think I'm gonna be he about.

[E]

To work that out.

[B]

Paul, are you there?

[A]

Hey, it's me.

[B]

Hey, my name's Tiffany.

[A]

I'm a big fan of the show.

[E]

Work that hip out, bro.

[A]

Without further ado, We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com and you if if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[E]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[B]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strlecki and a. If you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[E]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two.

[A]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpop well, good afternoon.

[F]

This is your little friend, Stephen Berg. And this is a message going out to all you fantastically brilliant vasectomy doctors. I have a little proposal for you all. My wonderful friend and brother, Gareth Reynolds is looking to get a vasectomy done because he is making the choice to not bring children into this world. And you know what? I respect that opinion. Nobody wants a bunch of little garrets running around. Boy, try saying. Try pluralizing Gareth with a lisp. That's not easy. Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareths running around when Gareth himself doesn't want that. So, doctors out there, what we are looking for, what we are wanting, if possible, is for you to give our friend Gareth a vasectomy. Now. We'll pay for it. He's got cobra. He's got great insurance. That's not the issue. Here comes the little angle we're taking. We would like to document this on a little thing called videotape. Videotape. This is a plea. This is a call to all vasectomy doctors in the lower 48 in the United States. Please, oh, please, let our little friend Gareth Reynolds get a vasectomy and let us videotape it. We're talking a high eight. You know, like a gritty, you know, it'll look good, it'll be classy, it'll be artsy. You will come off looking like an absolute hero. That's a Burgundy. Thank you. Enjoy this message and enjoy this episode. Bye. Bye.