264: Keeper of the Balls & Kids Like You

Summary

We're Here to Help — Episode 264: Keeper of the Balls & Kids Like You

Date: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Special Callers: Chris (Utah), Samantha (Las Vegas), Eva & Patty (Ireland)
Notable Theme: Navigating quirky community issues and classroom antics with humor, curiosity, and always questionable—but well-meant—advice.

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Episode Overview

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds return for another round of their self-styled, barely-credentialed advice podcast, helping listeners with everything from neighborhood politics to classroom management. The pair riff on Mormon “church ball,” rowdy sixth graders, and a saga involving territorial doormats in Dublin. As always, the advice is more empathetic and funny than “official”—and the “solutions” are half the fun.

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Main Segments & Insights

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1. Banter, Bedazzled Gifts & Wheel of Fortune (02:43–10:09)

Highlights:

• Gareth recounts meeting a listener in Portland who gifted them a series of bedazzled items, including a vest labeled “garfy” and a hat for a previous cancer-caller.
• The hosts discuss plans to send the bedazzled hat to the intended recipient.
• Jake shares his upcoming appearance on Wheel of Fortune to raise funds to “adopt some chimps,” and how Gareth’s mom Pam will get the full VIP treatment because she's a huge fan.
  • “We're gonna really try to get her to meet Vanna.” — Jake Johnson (08:12)
• Light ribbing about Pam’s penchant for green room snacks and the unique habits of “women of that era.”

Memorable Quotes:

• “I'm fatter than that time. And so it—”
  “I think. I think it fits.”
  “It doesn't.”
  “Oh, I gotcha. Well, that might be too small.”
  — Gareth & Jake on the vest (04:47–04:54)

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2. Call #1 – “Keeper of the Balls”: The Mormon Church Ball Mystery (14:43–44:39)

Key Discussion Points:

• Caller Chris (from Utah) asks on her husband Nick’s behalf:
  • Nick can't break into the local, highly exclusive “church ball” league overseen by “Joe, keeper of the balls.”
  • Nick has been directly rebuffed—twice—when asking to join. Family connections abound (uncle in the league, interwoven families), but Joe remains evasive.
  • The Mormon cultural context: “Hard work” and community are valued, but unspoken politics govern inclusion.
  • The swig soda shop phenomenon is explained and becomes a recurring bit.

Hosts' Advice:

• Direct approaches weren't working; social dynamics are complex.
• Gareth’s Play:
  • Try gifting a church-ball “care package” to the keeper, or offer to referee as a less threatening entry point (27:25).
• Jake’s Play:
  • Write a heartfelt letter explaining Nick’s desire to be included for community reasons—willing even to wait “on the bench” for a shot.
• Long-Term Solution:
  • If blocked, start a new, younger league:
    • "Nick is the new head of church ball for the young guys. ... He's the keeper of the ball for guys under 35." — Jake Johnson (34:34)
  • Organize games among their own peer group rather than trying to integrate into the established, older crew.

Notable Quotes:

• “You have to go to the bridge with the basketball troll, solve his dribble riddle.” — Gareth Reynolds (24:36)
• “If you let him into the league, we will create Mormons. If you put him in the church ball, do you want—I know you want more Mormons, Joe.” — Jake Johnson (29:29)
• “Chris, you're the keeper of the basketball.” — Jake Johnson (38:42)
• “If you build it, they will come.” — Gareth Reynolds (39:12)

Timestamped Moments:

• 14:43 – Caller Chris introduces the “Church Ball” dilemma.
• 23:31 – “How do we solve Nick’s issue of getting into the league…?”
• 34:34 – Nick is pitched as starting his own league.
• 38:42 – Chris is declared the new “keeper of the basketball.”
• 41:09 – Recipe for growing the league: “All you need is six!”

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3. Call #2 – “Kids Like You”: Handling Charming Sixth-Grade Chaos (45:03–69:56)

Key Discussion Points:

• Caller Samantha (from Las Vegas): A sixth/seventh grade teacher, loves her class of “charming, charismatic, but distracting” troublemakers (“kids like you”—i.e., the hosts as kids).
• Goal: Wants a positive, skill-building discipline system that helps the class channel their energy without defaulting to detentions.

Stories & Empathy:

• Jake and Gareth reflect on being those kids—habitual principal’s office visits, relentless sarcasm, and charm-based classroom disruption.
  • “I put my feet up on the principal's desk, and he wouldn't be offended. ... He's just a guy. And I guess I might be the problem.” — Jake Johnson (48:06–48:52)
• Samantha shares classroom anecdotes—her students “love to hear her rage.”

Advice—The “Doghouse & Hot Takes” System:

• Jake’s Pitch:
  • “Punishment” for disruptive kids: write a three-page “hot take” to be performed in front of the class.
  • Turns class clowns’ improv into structured, public speaking assignments—rewarding the genuinely funny and humbling the rest.
  • Can evolve into a monthly event, with rewards and opportunities for good kids to opt in.
• Gareth’s Enhancement:
  • Voting system: each student gets a popsicle stick (red/green), showing if the hot take persuaded them.
  • Adds peer validation and reinforces actual persuasion/public speaking skills.
• Class-Wide Version:
  • If someone ends up in the doghouse, the whole class does a hot take, increasing the stakes for the performing jokesters.

Notable Quotes:

• “You could essentially create a fake doghouse. And you go in the doghouse and you have to hot take your way out of it.” — Jake Johnson (58:19)
• “If somebody ends up in the doghouse, everybody has to do a hot take.” — Jake Johnson (63:06)
• “That was always where you’re like, oh, I’m not funny, apologizing to the eighth grader.” — Gareth Reynolds (66:07)

Timestamped Moments:

• 45:03 – Samantha introduces her teaching problem.
• 51:07 – “What’s the specific question?”
• 54:35 – Jake’s “hot take punishment” concept.
• 58:16 – Popsicle stick voting and potential for positive reinforcement.
• 63:06 – The “everyone must hot-take” escalation twist.
• 67:03 – Plans for a school-wide “hot take” competition.

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4. Call #3 – “Doormat Drama Update” – Dublin’s Mat Wars (70:11–81:42)

Story Recap:

• Callers Eva & Patty (Ireland):
  • Previous problem: The downstairs neighbor (a Ukrainian family) had placed a “new” doormat on top of Eva and Patty’s new doormat, causing low-stakes but persistent territorial unrest.
  • Prior advice (when Jenny Slate guested): fake a wine spill to reclaim mat or negotiate diplomatically.

The Resolution:

• Eva ultimately took charge: “I just grew a pair of balls and I just took it off.” (77:26)
  • She simply moved the neighbor’s mat and re-established her own.
  • The neighbor now leaves the excess mat rolled up except in bad weather. Issue solved.
• Patty laments not getting to create a dramatic scene; Eva is elated.

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes we run a mile to go a block.” — Jake Johnson (79:56)
• “Don’t tell an Irish lady’s husband to not tell her something, because she will find out and she will find you.” — Eva to Jenny Slate (81:15)

Timestamped Moments:

• 70:11 – Eva/Patty introduce themselves and recap.
• 74:57 – Eva describes discovering Patty’s “secret” consultation.
• 77:26 – Eva solves the mat problem with direct action.
• 81:15 – Eva’s message to Jenny Slate.

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Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• “You have to go to the bridge with the basketball troll, solve his dribble riddle.” — Gareth Reynolds (24:36)
• “Chris, you're the keeper of the basketball.” — Jake Johnson (38:42)
• “You could essentially create a fake doghouse. And you go in the doghouse and you have to hot take your way out of it.” — Jake Johnson (58:19)
• “Don't tell an Irish lady's husband to not tell her something, because she will find out and she will find you.” — Eva (81:15)
• “Sometimes we run a mile to go a block.” — Jake Johnson (79:56)
• “If you build it, they will come.” — Gareth Reynolds (39:12)

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Engaging Segment Timestamps

• [03:30] – Gareth & Jake banter over listener gifts; “bedazzled vest” saga.
• [08:09]–[10:09] – Details of Jake’s Wheel of Fortune charity special and Pam’s dream-come-true VIP access.
• [14:43]–[44:39] – The “church ball” saga: inclusion, power, and starting your own league.
• [45:03]–[69:56] – Samantha’s sixth-grade “hot take” doghouse, with tangible classroom management tips and lively reminiscing.
• [70:11]–[81:42] – Doormat update: “Irish solution” applied.

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Warm, improvisational, self-deprecating—Jake and Gareth riff like old friends at a bar but treat callers’ problems with genuine warmth, curiosity, and just enough mischief.
• They often turn advice into bits, but always with empathy and encouragement for listeners.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of “We’re Here to Help” features classic slices of Midwestern and Irish life—endeavoring Mormons, precocious sixth graders, and doormat diplomacy. Jake and Gareth blend heartfelt practical advice with ongoing in-jokes and infectious energy, ensuring listeners walk away with new approaches (and a few hearty laughs), even if the advice is sometimes more helpful as entertainment than as bulletproof strategy.

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For a full experience, listen to the segments at the provided timestamps for the juiciest stories and the funniest advice.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's bs. Again, we've never promised. We're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for.

[Jake Johnson]

We have a new website that's not for us, it's for Hot Takes. Some members of the community have written in, we've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a web and we wanted to do it for Hot Takes. So this is a Squarespace made website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Squarespace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting edge design. So your website is going to look cool, beautiful, dare I say SEO tools, search engine optimization. It's important. It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, donations, videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

This is a hit gum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've got a couple things to talk about, Jake, but I will, I will start. Even though this is a little removed from the time I was in Portland this last weekend and the hero were out in full force and a lot of stuff came my way. But a woman who I think her name was Jess came up. And. And by the way, I should say I'm gonna start bringing calendars on the road because I'm sick of people looking disappointed when I don't have them.

[Jake Johnson]

But a couple many left, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. Well, I talked to Morgan. We have some, but. Yeah, is this. Which is a bedazzled. Take it easy, stink? Ey, isn't that what it says?

[Jake Johnson]

Easy there, stink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Easy there, stink eye.

[Jake Johnson]

This was from the woman who called with cancer. She was going on the airport airplanes early. People were judging her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. She was getting judgment. So. So she spent. She spent a lot of time bedazzling this. Because I think at one point, we talked about giving this bedazzled hat to her.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, well, why don't we. Gareth, why don't we send that hat to the woman?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we should. Yeah, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm pretty sure she made that for the woman. Oh, she.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, did she?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Samantha]

You're wearing it on your head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, there's something else, though.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she had a few bedazz things. She brought over a few bedazzled things, and she came up with this thing, and I thought, oh, my. I was so confused. It's not reading as well on the camera.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the old. It's the vest you used to wear. We. That. Is that the actual one that's traveling?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I thought, but then I realized it wasn't, because on the back,

[Jake Johnson]

it says garfy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is fully bedazzled. And then here it has a little pocket that says Jose Treats. Treats for Jose. So. So, yeah, just a whole bedazzled outfit. And I will say she did bring the vest a size smaller, because, by

[Jake Johnson]

the way, it looks better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest. I'm fatter than that time. And so it.

[Jake Johnson]

I think. I think it fits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I gotcha. Well, that might be too small. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a suitcase. You'd need a neon to close.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but very nice job with the bedazzling. Well done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So. Yeah, so we'll. We'll figure out a way to get this to the woman.

[Jake Johnson]

And I think. I think sending her. That would be fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but. Yes, but you said you had. We have a more pressing issue. Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, so I'm doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've done it.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. At this point, I will have done Wheel of Fortune, but we have new, exciting news for the taping of Wheel of Fortune, which I'm going to do the 20th. I'm doing it for charity for. We're going to adopt some chimps and all the money's going to go. I got another email about update about the chimps, but I'm not going to read that right now. But the news that's exciting is that Pam Reynolds is a huge Wheel of Fortune fan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huge.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Well, we watched it every night growing up. We watched Wheel of Fortune every night. I'm not kidding. Every night growing up, we watched Wheel of Fortune. We have Wheel of Fortune bits in my family. My mother and I watch celebrity Wheel of Fortune often. My mother, I believe, has probably said something along the lines of, you and Jake should be on this at some point. And I'm going, you're lit. What are you talking about? She loves it. Loves, loves, loves. And then you start talking about this. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I tell her, and I. Oh, yeah, Jake's probably, you know, Jake's gonna be doing one.

[Chris]

Oh, really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's exciting. Good for him. Oh, God. You know, we should get an earpiece so we could tell him the answers to the puzzles and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then you and I start talking and we, we are saying that, you know, for Patreon, we should probably film the experience just for you. Anyway, we're having.

[Jake Johnson]

Kyle's gonna come film it because I want to raise as much money for these chimps as possible. So I want to have some fun with it. We're gonna have the hats that you. I'm gonna try to get people in the audience to buy some hats. All the proceeds are gonna go to the chimps. We're gonna see what. We was going to film it regardless.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you, you start floating the idea out there.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, did I? Or did you? I. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't remember.

[Jake Johnson]

Could my mom come maybe?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe. However we got to it, you have arranged for Pam to have the full VIP Wheel treatment, but she's coming with me.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to have like a whole. We're going to have a whole, you know, little thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to drive around the lot. Because the truth is that's. That's partial kindness. But that's also the idea of trying to get my mother on a lot alone. I mean, it would basically.

[Jake Johnson]

It also. I, it's. Whenever I have to do one of these jobs, I hate when somebody. I'm trying to also connect with somebody and they don't know where. And they're like, I'm in the back

[Gareth Reynolds]

of the line and I see a 9.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know where the line is. There's a. I got brought in through a weird alley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's some people eating under an umbrella.

[Jake Johnson]

But. So Pam's gonna come with us. So when this airs, we'll have already done it. We'll do an update. We will have Pam on an intro main show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You will have had her backstage.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. We're gonna really try to get her to meet Vanna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's going to watch the show, which is amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

She's going to be in the audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's going to be in the audience and.

[Jake Johnson]

And backstage, whatever she wants. And I'll just treat her like she's family. So she'll just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest, the backstage is key because whatever foods back there will end up in her bag. She'll probably come with, like, a suitcase. It'll be weird. And she will start to leave just with stuff. Like, she'll have Tupperware. Yeah. But no, it's a. I mean, nobody

[Jake Johnson]

gets our business, like women of that era where, like, it's one of the reasons why I want my mom to move to LA so bad. I'm trying to make it happen. I'm like, just spend a few years of your life, come into these weird things, experiencing it. Take. Do whatever you want to do. There's no wrong answer. If Pam weirds out, I'll defend her. It'll be just fine. Let's have a lot of fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll be fine.

[Jake Johnson]

But she gets caught stealing stuff. I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She will be stealing.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You'll be like, do you have a Keurig? And she'll be like, oh, are these not. Can you not just puncture these and pour them in a cup? And you'll be like, oh, my God. It's crazy how she thinks this works.

[Jake Johnson]

It's also 49 cents for a Keurig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Luxury.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I've had a couple things I've done where I've told people to buy snacks and pretend like they're, like, free. And she'll go, do you think I could take this bag of peanuts? And I'll go, well, I don't know. That's pretty risky, but go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

So funny to set somebody up a couple times. A big win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a couple times I've done that.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I take these dirty raisins?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I. Do it fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're gonna have, like, a water bottle from a green room that she's been filling up for weeks. And I'll be like, has this been cleaned? And she'll be like it's from when you did that show. I'll be like, that was two months ago. That's horrifying. Looks like there's well water inside of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Now let's get going to this goddamn show. We got a banger of an episode. Let's have a little fun. Can't wait to see you, Pam. We will do a follow up of what happened after.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

But without further ado,

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

I got a real Quint story here. So I got a bunch of Quint's shirts. Really nice black shirts. I've been wearing them a lot. I'm doing an Apple press day to talk about the dink, the pickleball movie. The networks, going back to my days when I first started, don't really like how Jakester dresses himself at these events or they do it to others, I don't know. But they always hire a stylist just to oversee what the old Jakester's wearing. I've used the same woman, this woman, Annie, she's excellent. She came to the house the other day. She goes, what have you been wearing? Let's try to find something that works with what you're wearing. I've been wearing these black shirts from Quince. She says, oh, I love that brand. I go, oh, yeah. She goes, yeah. She goes, why don't we just wear one of those with a little jacket over it? What kind of pants you like? I like Quince pants. She goes, let's order some of those. So I will be wearing the Quince shirt because of the Quince sponsorship and I'm becoming Mr. Quince.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello. How are you?

[Samantha]

I'm good. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Chris. Where are you calling from, Chris?

[Chris]

Utah.

[Jake Johnson]

How old are you, Chris?

[Chris]

26.

[Jake Johnson]

26, Chris, what are you doing? You. Oh, by the way, do you go to that place in Utah where you get those weird sodas?

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What is that place called?

[Chris]

There's lots of them.

[Jake Johnson]

But, like, it's a big thing in Utah. Swig. My daughter tells me about Swig. So what they do there, Garrett, is the big thing in Utah. Rather than, like, partying or bars. You go and you get, like. You mix different sodas together with, like, vanilla creams, and you get like a hundred ounces, nine different sodas with different creams. You just mix it around and drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so.

[Jake Johnson]

Thousand grams of sugar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is. That is. That is what I would imagine if you were to be like, what is Utah? I'd be like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Swig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we don't. They don't drink alcohol, but they drink obs crazy coke mix

[Jake Johnson]

mixed with vanilla flavor. My daughter, literally out of nowhere, Chris said to me, can we go to Utah? And I went, why? And she goes, I just think it'd be a fun place to go. And I go, what is going on? And she goes, I want to go to Swig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to go to Swig.

[Chris]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So, Chris, what can we do for you today?

[Chris]

So I'm calling on behalf of my husband. It's his problem, but I'd like to help him. So, like you said, we are Mormon in Utah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we did.

[Jake Johnson]

This might be our first official Mormon, and we did not officially call you Mormon. Like you said, we knew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We knew when you were like, swig. You know, if you take Fanta.

[Samantha]

We don't drink alcohol and Sprite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you don't want to see me after a swig.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, no coffee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Chris]

No coffee. No coffee.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay, Chris. So to husband's problem. Our first official Mormon. Shout out Mormons. What's up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also wonder if this is. If is our first surrogate problem. Is this our first.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we've had a lot of people call in about their spouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

This is my. My issue is not mine. It's with my husband. We've got a lot of that.

[Chris]

That's true. So there's a billion Mormons in Utah. Where you live is who you go to church with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Okay.

[Chris]

And so we just moved into a new neighborhood, and only certain neighborhoods do what they call church ball, which is where the guys of the church play basketball on the weekends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Church ball. Okay.

[Chris]

Yeah. Church ball. It's kind of frowned upon because people were getting a little crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In what way?

[Chris]

Not everybody does it. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People had a couple swigs, started fighting over the ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Or arguing.

[Samantha]

A little wild.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How? When you talk about wild at church ball. What are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I think three pointers fighting.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, fist fights?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Jake's Jake's Mormon now. Thanks, Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

I love soda. Jake's into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, of course he is, Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm into it, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's aggressive.

[Jake Johnson]

Fight with a bunch of dads on church ball and then go like this. Give me a. Give me a Dr. Pepper mixed with a Coke mixed with a Diet Coke. Vanilla flavoring, weird creams.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I put in my hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Your hair is called swig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Swig.

[Chris]

Wait, can I give you my swig Order and you can try it.

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Chris]

Okay. Diet Dr. Pepper, 44 ounces, two lime wedges, and then cranberry syrup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, thanks for the call, Chris, by the way. Delicious.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Chris]

It's really delicious.

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of ice? They use those, like, really good cube things. You gotta have good ice. Nuggets. Of course they're nuggets.

[Chris]

Nugget ice.

[Jake Johnson]

Ice matters, Gareth, okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sure does. In this day and age.

[Eva]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Oh, my God. Okay, so maybe this will be Jake and my husband Nick's problem if Jake wants to join church ball, too. So, yeah, my husband's Nick, so he's really excited because he found out that in our new neighborhood they play church ball. And my uncle's in the neighborhood, so he was like, oh, this guy in our church is in charge of church ball? Ask him the detail.

[Jake Johnson]

Please stop saying church ball or I'm gonna interrupt. I'm trying to be an adult. But you can't. It feels like this is science fiction. When they're playing church ball while drinking their sodas, I'm feeling like my head's gonna expl. Just say basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's different.

[Chris]

Basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're Mormons.

[Jake Johnson]

Evil. No, basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Samantha]

It's the exact same game.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so it's just basketball. You guys just call it church ball, but it's just basketball.

[Chris]

It's just basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So there's no net.

[Chris]

Uncle Roger says, go ask this guy to join the basketball games. And he's in charge of it. So Nick said, okay. So on Sunday, Nick goes up to this guy and says, hey, Uncle Roger told me that you guys play basketball. I'd love to join. And he says, oh, yeah, you like to play? And Nick says, yeah. And he goes, nice. And then walked away. Like, turned away. So that was weird. And then. Okay, there's another aspect to this. My mom is one of 13 kids.

[Jake Johnson]

So you are Mormon, you said, Chris, thank you for laughing before we commented.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're Mormon, you said. Now that's church ball.

[Jake Johnson]

You're fine.

[Chris]

Chris, I only have three siblings. Okay. But only my mom has 12 siblings. So one of them, this guy plays church ball with my uncle Roger. My aunt Leanne is best friends with his wife. The guy who's the. The basketball keeper.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris Keeper.

[Jake Johnson]

There's no. He's the shepherd of rules.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, you don't understand.

[Jake Johnson]

What is basketball keeper. He's the keeper of the basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Chris]

He's in charge.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay. Oh, my God. These terms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's in charge of church ball.

[Jake Johnson]

So he just organizes the game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's the leader of the church of ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Chris]

So the whole thing is this guy can. Let's call him Joe. I don't want to give him his real name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the keeper of the balls.

[Chris]

Yeah. Knows my family really well. Like, he's really connected. Grew up with my mom's family and so did his wife. So this is the second time that Nick has tried to talk to Joe about basketball. We're sitting near him and his wife, and his wife says, have you met Chris and Nick? They're so and so's niece. And he was like, oh, yeah, I play basketball with your uncle. And Nick says, oh, yeah, when do you guys play basketball? And he turns around again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Chris]

So Nick has tried to ask him twice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Chris]

When they played basketball. And he won't tell him.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, if you tell me Nick is 6 foot 10 inches tall. I'm hanging up on you.

[Chris]

So Nick is 6 4.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Chris, he's too big. They don't want him because he's going to dominate church ball. If you tell me Joe the keeper is 5 foot 4 and heavy. This is.

[Chris]

No, no, no. Joe's like, also six four, like really tall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Thank God. Yeah.

[Chris]

Like, I think it's a pretty competitive league. Like, I think it's good basketball. But they won't invite Nick.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are amazing. I think it's good. Basketball is such a great statement.

[Jake Johnson]

It is. Because, by the way, she's not wrong sometimes. It's bad basketball. Mormons are going to play good ball. They're going to church ball. They're going to set screens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

They're going to run offenses.

[Chris]

They're competitive.

[Jake Johnson]

They're very competitive. Believe me, the Utah has always done very good with basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, true.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys. You guys always create a bunch of guys that I find boring to watch in the NBA. I agree, but they're not my kind of jazz. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Basically, Chris, the question is, how do we solve Nick's issue of getting into the league when Joe keeps Physically turning away from him.

[Jake Johnson]

How do we get him to play church ball with Nick? With the keeper of basketball, Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The keeper of the basketballs.

[Eva]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy, that is.

[Jake Johnson]

That's hard. And what has so Nick. What Nick has tried to do is just bring it up is what you said.

[Chris]

Yeah. Nick's asked him, like, point blank twice.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Uncle Roger is in the league.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Uncle Roger's playing. How tall is Uncle Roger?

[Chris]

Maybe six. Two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. What do you guys. I'm going to drink some swig. I. I mean, to me, my first protocol would be that. And Nick has never shown up to the games, correct?

[Chris]

No. He doesn't know when they happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But Uncle Roger does, obviously.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. Gareth isn't.

[Chris]

But when he asks Uncle Roger, Roger says, you have to go to Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, how close?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mormon thing.

[Jake Johnson]

It has to go through the keeper of the basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Honestly, the keeper of the falls. You have to go to the bridge with the basketball troll, solve his dribble riddle. Do you. Do you think. How close is Nick with Uncle Roger?

[Samantha]

Close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I mean, my first think is,

[Jake Johnson]

got to go to the keeper. He does not. So here's what I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think we can go roundabout. Chris. This is. This is the first time that the premise of this does not take place in a bar. It takes place in a swig shop. The three of us are drinking a bunch of sodas. Yeah. And Gareth and I have had way more sugar than should ever fit in our frames.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'll be honest, we're not Mormon. I've been pouring a little whiskey in mine.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you haven't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I have.

[Jake Johnson]

You couldn't buy it from anywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I brought it.

[Eva]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't care what you think of me. I did it.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what I think we do. And now we need to step into the Mormon culture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Eva]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is. This is actually we are having to go into, like, embed.

[Jake Johnson]

So now, in terms of the keeper of the basketball church ball league. Joe, in the Mormon religion, what would a young shepherd do to, like, a great shepherd who wanted to, like, marry the shepherd's daughter? Would it be like, ring lamb? Would it be show what a good worker you are? Would it be show what dedication you have in the religion? What is a way that a younger male shows an older male? I, too, could be part of the upper echelon of the church.

[Chris]

Crazy way to stay that. Say that question. But I do think hard work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I liked it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was real on board. I was like, exactly Hard work in

[Chris]

the cherries down after church, that kind of thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Taking the what down?

[Jake Johnson]

Chairs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Down.

[Chris]

The chairs down.

[Jake Johnson]

Chair. I thought you said chairs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought you said cherries, too.

[Chris]

No, chairs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I did say chairs. We both heard it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris, maybe you got a little bit

[Jake Johnson]

too much sugar here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris, at this point, if you said he helps take the cherries down, that would not be shocking. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

We'd go like this. Anything with this call. That's the truth. If you said taking the cherries down off the tree, we'd go like this. Okay, so there's cherries and trees.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna let it go and be like, cool. She's the cherry guy. That's awesome. Love that.

[Jake Johnson]

For him, he's the picker of the cherries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he takes the cherries down, obviously. Right. Shares them. Awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally normal. It's fine. I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My Jake, my first instinct is. And I am trying to get into the. Like we said, I'm trying to get into the Mormon zone here a little bit, is, what if he gifts Joe with some stuff? What if he bribes his way into the league with, like, maybe, for lack of a better term, a church ball care package or just. You know what? Hold on. Here's a wild pitch. What if he offers to refer. Oh, that gets him in the blood a little bit. Then he's there, and even if they say no, it's kind of a less. It's like a less aggressive version.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I'm pitching church ball, care package package, and maybe he offers to ref.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? I would pitch Chris, handwritten letter asking for a chance to participate in church ball with a very long explanation of how you have moved there, how much this means to you, if it. How much it means to him to be part of the community of church ball players, how much he respects the role of basketball keeper. And even if your numbers are full, like 13 siblings in a family, I will wait by the side of table for supper. So if that means he just needs to sit there in case there's an injury or a substitution, he just wants to be part of the males playing church ball in order to impress the females so that perhaps he could pregnate them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. I. Again, Chris, I think Jake at the end there, I think everything up until there, Jake was doing a pretty good job. But obviously you guys are in a committed relationship, and we don't want to mess with that at all.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys have kids yet?

[Samantha]

No.

[Chris]

No kids.

[Jake Johnson]

If he was in church ball scoring many baskets, would you be more willing to have children? With him.

[Chris]

I. I don't know if that would. Would play a part.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's pretend it would. You want to create more Mormons, don't you? But you need to see if your man is able to compete at church ball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're supposed to get to work as a kid.

[Jake Johnson]

If you let him into the league, we will create Mormons. If you put him in the church ball, do you want. I know you want more Mormons, Joe. We. That's the whole ide.

[Samantha]

More.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't let him leave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about playfully going to your aunt and saying, I'm trying to solve a problem for Nick. Let's get the women involved. If you could get Joe's wife. He's the keeper of the basketball. To let Nick play. We will make a baby within the next two years, Because guess what, Chris? You're gonna make a baby in the next two years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have to.

[Jake Johnson]

You're Mormon. You guys are having a baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In many ways, Nick is keeper of the balls. I'm sorry. I apologize.

[Jake Johnson]

So what. What do you think about that play?

[Chris]

I think my aunt is less game.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Chris]

Then my uncle would be okay.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you go to the uncle?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Yeah, I. I like that idea. If you go to the uncle, you go to the uncle and you say something. It. It could be that. It could also just be like, look, you know, Nick is kind of like trying to find himself. I really think it would be good for him. Please.

[Samantha]

Oh, you're saying he needs to get out more.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Chris. So you got two options. One is the fun one, and that's because. What I don't think. I don't want Nick. I don't want this to be. Afterwards you say, here's the solution, Nick. Go it. You called in. So this is your problem. You're trying to get your husband into church ball with the guys. So I think you go to your uncle and you say, I need you to do me a favor. My husband would really love to play church ball because he wants to feel more connected to the other men in this area. Since we've moved, I'm afraid he might be spiraling. He's been looking at Miller Lights online. I saw he Googled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What Miller Lights.

[Jake Johnson]

He Googled. He goes a beer, Starbucks. Oh, no. We. Oh, we have got to get this man in church ball because he's got some influences, call him Jake and Garrett and these guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's hanging out with a bad crowd.

[Jake Johnson]

How good caffeine is. Is when coffee. How rock and roll, light beer Is. And you go, I just want him around good influences, not Jake and Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think. Look, Chris, at the core of what Jake and I are offering is I think if a plea to Uncle Roger, that is. You're in a new area, he needs some buddies. Nick needs to find himself. Please help. You know, he's been. You don't even need to bring up the Joe part, but just say he really wants to get involved. How can he help you do it?

[Jake Johnson]

This is Right.

[Chris]

But here's my only concern. Do I explain to Uncle Roger that Joe has turned him down twice?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, you don't know that.

[Chris]

Or is he just gonna send me to Joe again?

[Jake Johnson]

No, but if he sends you to Joe, then you say, I'm asking you for your help because it hasn't been working for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, I think then, then if he says that, then you do go to him and you do make the offer.

[Jake Johnson]

But then if he says that, if your uncle really roadblocks you, you got to call back in Chris, because then there might be something weird about Nick. Weird is not a weird person. Weird is for men. You could just tell he wouldn't be our vibe while we play. He'll ruin the game.

[Chris]

Oh, so. And oh, I was going to say this too. He is like 20, 30 years younger. So I didn't know if they just wanted. Didn't want him in because he's 25

[Jake Johnson]

and they're all like, hey, Chris, thanks for the call.

[Chris]

Thanks. Good to talk to you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that Chris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like basically at the end of the call, you're like, by the way, he's on the Utah Jazz. I should have brought that up earlier. He's a professional basketball player.

[Jake Johnson]

1050 year old men is one thing. You don't playing basketball with nine 50 year old men and a 24 year old guy, it's a whole different animal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris. So, Chris, you're the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what we need to do for Nick. I guarantee in that Mormon community, she's

[Gareth Reynolds]

the keeper of the information.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. There's a bunch of people your guys's age, is that correct?

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So Nick is the new head of church ball for the young guys. Oh, he's the keeper of the ball. And when you see a woman your age at church and you're like, hey, Stacey, have you been to Swig lately? And she goes, yeah, I had a crazy drink. You go like this, oh, wow, look at your husband. He's 6 foot 4 too. Because all of them are. Does he play church ball? And you're a. She'll go. He'd like to. And go. Well, my husband's the keeper of the ball. Two guys.

[Chris]

He becomes the new Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

He's no, he becomes the new keeper of the young guys. Let Joe be Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but he's the Joe for the younger guys.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a new generation.

[Chris]

He's a new generation.

[Jake Johnson]

He's Nick, the keeper of the ball. But their league are guys kind of under 35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you're older, 35, go contact Joe. But if you're younger, you're Mormon and you're 6 foot 4 and you love to set three screens and five passes before a shot and you probably pull your socks up high to your knees. Come here, Chris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The thing is, if you're in a league that's good. You don't want a new person to be the best player in the league.

[Jake Johnson]

Breaks the league.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just they got a good thing going. I agree that Joe. Joe could be communicating this.

[Jake Johnson]

He's too young.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Young. He's too young. So that is what you need to do. You need to. And well, because.

[Jake Johnson]

But Chris, here's the reality and this is what Gareth is saying. The 50 year old guys, they're playing at a speed that works for all of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

There's also probably breaks. There's probably not that many fast breaks all of a sudden. If Nick is there, everybody's gonna feel bad. First pick every game they'll go. I'll take Nick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You know who, this is going to be a really fun move for Nick.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know who's going to hate it? Everybody else.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know what? You know Nick will love a league of guys his own age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Chris]

Yeah, that's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You talk to Nick about starting the league and. Or do you want to do it with us too?

[Chris]

Should we talk tonight, you guys to be in the league?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Do you want us to help? We're the same age. Do you want us to help?

[Jake Johnson]

Under 6ft tall and we play basketball.

[Samantha]

Do you want us don't meet the qualifications.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we don't at all. There's no.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm the opposite of Mormon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything your husband is. We aren't. We could talk to Nick and maybe size it up a little better. Do you think he would do that? Do you want him to do that?

[Samantha]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Chris]

He's at work right now. Do you want me to call him?

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe we can schedule a follow up at another time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll need a minute with it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what we'll do is we Will pitch to him of how he can start a new league. So here's what you can do to help us, Chris, before that call, because let's ambush him. Let's hit his system like a swig drink hits your system. Let's go hard and fast. So here's what I want you to do. Find out where they play basketball, where they play church ball. Do they rent the gym, or is it open to everybody?

[Chris]

All of our churches have gyms in them, have basketball courts in them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the Mormons just want to keep you in shape. What? They want to keep you in the

[Gareth Reynolds]

church, which is they. And by the way. Yeah, they are. They're like a program.

[Jake Johnson]

How do you sign up for it? Is there like a. Do you have to sign up for time at the gym?

[Chris]

Yeah, you can, like, rent it out.

[Jake Johnson]

Now we're talking. So here's what I would like you to do. Find a time that would work for Nick and start renting that out. You start talking to other wives who are your age and ask if their husbands would want to play church ball in a younger league of men in their kind of 20s and 30s and see what night works. This is the way it's going to get you into the community.

[Chris]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Chris, you're the keeper of the basketball.

[Chris]

Oh, my gosh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Heavy as the head.

[Jake Johnson]

Because then what you start doing is you're putting this together, and before you know it, you use the wife's to do it, and all of a sudden, you've got 10 yeses. You tell Nick, hey, you're playing church ball on Tuesday. He goes, joe Cult. And you go, I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, Jake, it reminds me of another booming voice from the sky in Field of Dreams. Chris, if you build it, they will come.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly.

[Chris]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

You're building a league and then presenting it to your husband. This is sweet.

[Chris]

I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is the most Utah version of a call imaginable. And I think we. I love it. Love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Our show is a Mormon show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. The Mormon community agree with you?

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I kind of agree. We're the keeper of the calls, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

We're the keeper of the calls. And we're not at a bar anymore. We're at a swig shop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I am putting a little whiskey in mine. I'll be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's get a free kidney. Let's adopt chimpanzees.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're Mormons, brother. Yeah, that's right.

[Jake Johnson]

The greatest realization I'VE ever had.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

And will you. I think we've actually changed. We were going to make Chris the keep. I mean, we were going to make Nick the keeper, but Chris, do this with the other women and form a league and then present it to Nick and you could also present it to him on a call with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

But see if you can get all you really need for the league, to be honest, to start is six. If you get six, you can play three on three half court and that's a great league. That will build it. But all you need is five other players and then you've got a legit league.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three on three is great.

[Jake Johnson]

If you can get three on three, you're really playing basketball.

[Chris]

Okay. I love this.

[Jake Johnson]

And then once you have three on three, before you know it, you'll have 15. But you just need the core group who agree to show up every week because what you can't have is a league. And then one week you have three players show up, then four, then two, then that dies. You need a really solid six and six can go to 15 pretty easily. But from six to 15, those are going to be stragglers. Start with six.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start with six.

[Chris]

Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep us posted. Chris. Way to go.

[Chris]

I love it. Hey Chris, thank you for your help.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for the call. We loved this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast has been brought to you by Dan. Have you been waiting for the perfect time to upgrade your tech? Good news. The wait is over. Dell Tech Day's annual sales event is here and we're celebrating our best customers with fantastic deals on the latest PCs like the Dell 14 plus with Intel Core Ultra processors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Squarespace, how we love you. Squarespace is where you go to create an online present to appear professional. You launch your passion project with Squarespace. We love Squarespace. We use Squarespace all the time. My website, GarethReynolds.com is a Squarespace website. We use Squarespace to help people on the show build their, their. Well, honestly, to corroborate their fibs and, and their white lies. We use Squarespace for that sometimes. But other times people will use Squarespace, you know, for trying to build up their business online. I was working with someone who, we were going to start a whole ear business and, and it completely fell apart. But we were going to use Squarespace because there's no other place to go. It's an all in one website platform that is designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Samantha]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing?

[Samantha]

Good, how are you?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm doing great. What is your first name?

[Samantha]

Samantha.

[Jake Johnson]

Samantha. You ever go by Sammy?

[Samantha]

No, actually. I hate that.

[Jake Johnson]

I hate it too. Where are you from, Samantha?

[Samantha]

Las Vegas.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I was just in Vegas.

[Samantha]

I Heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you go tripping?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I got a little bit sick, so we have to leave early. You did you ever. Do you check out Area 51?

[Samantha]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Eva]

Love it.

[Samantha]

Omega Mart.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. And also I did that. And also that weird table that goes up in the air and you just like sit there up in the air there.

[Samantha]

Oh, I haven't done the weird table.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta go back. I did the weird table.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you sure you weren't just on cough medicine at a regular table?

[Jake Johnson]

As I was saying it, I realized, no, I'm not. Samantha Las Vegas. What can we do for you today?

[Samantha]

So I teach middle school and what grade?

[Jake Johnson]

Six, Seventh or eighth?

[Samantha]

Six. Seven, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Six. Seven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God bless you. God bless you.

[Samantha]

I know it's rough in these streets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna tell you right now, kids like me made it real hard on people like you.

[Samantha]

Actually, that's why I'm calling. I'm calling specifically about kids like you, okay? Because I need help.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got two brainiacs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You got two geniuses.

[Samantha]

I actually do have two extremely charming yet annoying students that are really cut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call him Jake and Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

Call him. You said annoying. New call em.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake. Be hon.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, not.

[Samantha]

Not in a bad way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually really know, like, good annoying. Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

You say balding with greasy faces. I'm going to get my feelings hurt by the first part. Two annoying sixth graders. One's balding, one's got an oily grease face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eddie keeps talking about how it's product. It's product.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake. Sixth grade.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is shinier than the hash browns.

[Jake Johnson]

Sixth grade, you and me, with all the same tone with each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, we're lucky that, that America's lucky that that didn't happen.

[Jake Johnson]

We are lucky because we'd be in jail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Without question.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Samantha, the floor is yours.

[Chris]

Oh, thank you.

[Samantha]

So I do have. And I'm gonna say it's not just these. These students in particular. I kind of have a genre of. Of child that I teach that is very funny, very charismatic. And I'm just gonna say all of sixth grade is like this. And as evidenced by the six, seven, you know, they're trying stuff out, they're workshopping in class, you know, and I just. I can't keep giving them detention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been in this ex. I've been on the other side of this transaction.

[Samantha]

This is exactly why I called.

[Jake Johnson]

I went to the principal every single day in fourth grade for I think, four straight months. It got to the point. This is not a joke. I used to Put my feet up on the principal's desk, and he wouldn't be offended.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, that is.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Because I was in there so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was a thing I had. Eventually. It is interesting. Eventually you do kind of get to a more negotiating.

[Jake Johnson]

Get to know each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it is sort of like, all right, look, what are we gonna do? And you're like, I actually have hand now.

[Jake Johnson]

He literally at one point goes like. I remember my feet were on his desk and we were talking, and he goes like, are you okay? And I remember being like, he's just a guy. Yeah, he's not a bad guy.

[Samantha]

We are. We're just guys. We're just guys.

[Jake Johnson]

He's just a guy. And I guess I might be the problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah,

[Jake Johnson]

there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember that so well. Okay, so give us. All right, so give us a little more. Samantha, what's up?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Samantha]

So I, you know, I. They are. They do kind of negotiate with me. In fact, sometimes they'll just say, why don't you give me detention? So I feel like they're like, well, they're. I think they're trying to bluff, you know, I mean, I do call their bluff and give them detention, you know, But I also. I want to help them, you know, and I don't want them to just exist in their current state. I want to help them with positive reinforcement. And all these students in general, what is. Like, how do I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is it about these two specifically? Just to know the level of distraction. Like, is it class clowning? Is it just not paying attention?

[Samantha]

It's. It's a lot of commentary and jokes, which, you know, I enjoy a little bit of. I can handle a little bit of it. It's a lot of getting up out of our seat to do things, you know, I can't. I had to hide the hand sanitizer because so many of these kids will just get up.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Samantha.

[Samantha]

To get up out of their seats. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to know what the audience is feeling right now? And they say it in the comments and the emails. It's us interrupting callers.

[Samantha]

Oh, I don't mind, though.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but. No, but it's the same. It's the. But, Samantha, the way the kids are in class is the way Gareth and I are with Collins. You're just trying to get the lesson across.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Jake Johnson]

We just keep going. Hand sanitizer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My hands are dirty.

[Samantha]

My hands are dirty.

[Jake Johnson]

You're used to it. But other people are like, I am. You're like. When you hear it, you go like this, oh, I'm back at work. Other people are like, hey, I'm trying to drive to work. Can you let the lady finish?

[Samantha]

Well, and I'm a. A big fan of the show, so normally that doesn't bother me at all. You know, I tend to enjoy your tangents, but yeah, in the classroom, I'm also not trying to teach you things. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're teaching you well, I wouldn't go that far.

[Samantha]

Right, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Samantha, what is the specific question? Because I know we're going to be able to help and I have a picture ready, but I want to hear the specific question as well as you are triggering old stuff in me, I do feel like you're a teacher of sixth grade. I'm in sixth grade. I feel like I want you to like me, but I also want to mess with your day. Gareth, can you relate to that feeling?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Completely. There's a lot going on inside of me internally. I'm trying to be professional, but honestly, I want to go to the hand sanitizer.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. I also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I deserve to go to the hand sanitizer.

[Jake Johnson]

I want Samantha to like me and be charmed and smile at me a little bit, but I also want her to get to the rage baiting point where she's going like, I'm going to ring your fucking neck that's coming. That's what I like.

[Samantha]

One of the students before I had him as a student used to hear me rage. And one of the teachers came up to him and said, why are you smiling? And he just said, I just love to hear her rage.

[Jake Johnson]

So a big part of it, Samantha, is. And look, let's be perfectly honest, I still have this issue. I love rage baiting to each other. Gareth and I do it to each other. It's all of our relationship with the NFL just rage baiting each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There were also certain teachers that were hilarious when you got like, I. There was one guy who would throw me out and it would be. He would call me Mr. Comedy Sport. Like it was. So he would go, reynolds, get the hell out, Mr. Comedy Sports and everyone. And I'd be like, yeah, it was amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

We had a guy named Gary Clark. And Gary Clark had spent some time in the war in Vietnam, and his whole thing was he would say, I'm 60% deaf in one ear and I'm 40% deaf in my other ear. And in my eyes, that makes me 100% deaf. Let's do this. And so. But he said it at the beginning of every new year, every everything. And at one point he got so mad at me that he said throughout my day, I've got seven special needs kids, Jake, and I consider you one of them. And I said, that's too far, and you know it.

[Samantha]

Yeah, that would get us fired.

[Jake Johnson]

Now. I mean, this was a different time. You can't. I was like, you're right that you're mad at me. You cannot say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know I can't. Right.

[Chris]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

What.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What'd you say?

[Jake Johnson]

Loved Gary Clark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's the best. Anyway, okay, My.

[Samantha]

My question. Not to, you know, be a teacher here, but. So my question is completely right. I. Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get control. Jake. Sorry, Samantha.

[Samantha]

Also, I'm gonna leave this call and go and be around, you know, 30 years. So this is. It's fine, you know.

[Chris]

So how.

[Samantha]

How do I get these kids to behave? By also supporting their natural char. I want to come up with, like, a positive reward system for students, and I want to hone them, you know, I want to teach them better humor. I want to, you know, I kind of mean girl them in out of the 6, 7 thing by saying it was lame, that kindergartners are doing it, and that kind of works, actually, so. But I don't want to mean girl them, you know, I want to. I want to support them. I want them to become successful podcasters.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I got a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep them out of the business.

[Samantha]

This.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I got my first pitch as the beginning of. And it's going to have to evolve, but it's the beginning, quote unquote, of a punishment. Knowing that what's going to happen and they don't realize it is. They're going to like the punishment, and you're going to evolve the punishment into something that kids start doing as a group. And it's going to become something that everybody does. But it's going to. The first couple are going to feel like a punishment, but the kids are going to do a really good job of it, and that's what's going to change it. The punishment, forget the punishment for talking and getting in trouble three times is in front of the cold class, you need to do a hot take that is written out, and it's got to be three pages. It's a lot of work. It's extra homework. But then when they do that hot take, it's the first time, rather than be funny in the back of the class, because this is where a lot of class clowns fail. They're really funny in the back. But can you be really funny when you're now being asked to Be funny. And so now you're in the front.

[Samantha]

Fantastic.

[Jake Johnson]

And some kids won't do it. And they'll go, I can't do this. I don't like this. And then it's, you're not as funny as you thought you were. Just learn a little bit more and other kids are going to get up there and you're going to be dying laughing at their hot take take. And then after you get to say to them, one on one, that was so good. Well done. Do me a favor, talk less in class and I'll let you do a hot take at the end of the month every Friday. Because then you started as a punishment and you end it with a reward.

[Samantha]

I do teach public speaking, so this is, this would go really nicely in with my, I, I, I teach theater and public speaking. So I, I think this would be a fantastic. I like that idea. The three page hot. I like making them right, too.

[Jake Johnson]

But they can't improvise a hot take.

[Samantha]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

So they have to, they have to. Their assignment is they got in trouble. And all of a sudden they go, I got three pages. And not only that, they have to do it in front of the class. So if it's my hot take is I shouldn't talk to, they're going to feel like such a goober. And then they have to turn it in early. You have to read it and go, like, this isn't good enough. Another draft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you could also do is on like popsicle sticks, put like a red side and a green side. And if they are suede, they show the green. Like if they've made a good argument.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You feel the reinforcement from the class with them holding up something. Because I think what you're saying is right. I remember that, that like the idea of, oh, you're a real hot shot when the lights aren't on.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But now let's see what you could do. And that's a way for sort of peer evaluation to also play into it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And that is stop disrupting.

[Samantha]

So how real quick about the popsicle sticks, because I, you know, that's, that sounds great. Would I use that with Jake's pitch as well? Because.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that's at the end of the hot take. Like, so the hot take, you know, the mustard's better than ketchup. We've heard that one for, you know, so if you are like, you know what? Now that I've heard this, this kid's right. Then you hold up a green and it's a way to show that they've made a compelling argument in front of the class.

[Jake Johnson]

Ooh, if.

[Samantha]

What if I gave them to all the kids?

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you do a vote. And if you get the majority.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean. Yes. Yeah. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Then great job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Then it you feel validated, you are

[Jake Johnson]

officially out of trouble. Trouble.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Samantha]

Officially out of trouble.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can hot take your way out of trouble.

[Jake Johnson]

You could essentially create a fake doghouse. And you go in the doghouse and you have to hot take your way out of it. And then you could also do it. Then you could also do a thing. So it's not just the bad kids getting this education. You could give rewards. And that is if you hot take your way, you could choose to hot take. And if you win, you get 10 minutes of free choice at the end of class while everybody else is doing blank or no homework over the weekend. Or blank. So you either. So somebody goes, all I got was, I'm out of the doghouse. But they got an ice cream sandwich. And you go, yeah, you were in trouble. Jake and Garrett and these other people did it by choice and they got a reward.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he gets an ice cream sandwich that he won't shut up about.

[Jake Johnson]

So either you could keep getting in trouble or use these hot takes. Be good all month, do another one. And I'm giving out ice cream sandwiches.

[Samantha]

I. I mean, I love that idea. I might. I'm kind of inspired to actually make a literal cardboard doghouse.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I was thinking. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But then I'd have people's names that could go in the doghouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Samantha]

I love the idea of the literal.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I do too.

[Samantha]

This very. This is fantastic. Well, you know, the theater teacher in me, I'm like, can I build something?

[Jake Johnson]

So now we're talking. Yes.

[Samantha]

I love it. The literal doghouse. Okay. And then. Okay, so I think I, the student, they're being annoying. I give them three, you know, final warning. You're gonna write me a three page hot take. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're in the dog tomorrow.

[Jake Johnson]

Now. But you could give people warnings. You go like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Too. If I have to give you again, you're in the doghouse. The only way out of the doghouse. And then if they go like, I'm in the doghouse. So what? Well, guess what being in the doghouse means. Every night you've got a 15 minute homework assignment. Every night you've got this. You have to sit at the front of the. There's consequences. You have to sit in the front of the class alone. You've got it like. Like in. I was getting in trouble a lot in fifth grade and my teacher sat me away from everybody else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had that too. Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she put a literal bookshelf that was movable, that was about 5ft high between me and everybody else. So all I could see was her and the chalkboard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It worked.

[Jake Johnson]

Even see the kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's highly effective.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it was.

[Samantha]

It felt I've had to do. Do similar things. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It felt like a horse where they put the blinders on and I go like, fine, I'll just walk you around Central Park. You take them off so I can see. But it works. It shuts you up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It is effective moving the Taurus around. You just go like, I'll just walk now. You've taken away my joy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

So we'll have dog house and right now. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Behind the bookshelf, Jake. Okay, so we have the doghouse. They go in the doghouse, they have to write a hot take. We want that ready in the next couple days. And then towards the end of class, they have five minutes to sway six minutes to sway the class on a well written hot take. If they do a compelling hot take and they get a lot of greens from the fellow students, they're out of the doghouse. But if they mail it in and they don't get it, then they're still in the doghouse. And then what does that mean? Do we want to attach a more

[Jake Johnson]

out of the doghouse? Can't be too much of a reward because it's neutral.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. You're back to one.

[Jake Johnson]

But there. But I do believe, Samantha, there's got to be two things. One, you gotta give an opportunity for the kids doing good to also participate with a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And two, you are the dictator. So if all the kids vote yes because they like somebody, even though they did a bad job, you need to say majority doesn't win. You've still lost. They just are doing it because they like you.

[Samantha]

Here's a. Yeah, I always have veto power, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, that's an established rule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's a pitch to maybe involve the rest of the class so it doesn't feel like a one on one. What if the rest of the class pitches on what the hot take has to be like the class is involved with? Like before the person has to go off and write the hot take. The class is tossing out ideas.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I pitch something Gary. Yes, Samantha. This is crazy, but if you really want to get this to stop, if somebody ends up in the doghouse, everybody has to do a hot take.

[Samantha]

Oh, I like that idea.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's why. Yeah, but that's the only issue I

[Samantha]

see is that they want to be in the doghouse. Right. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, but that.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but here's why. So it's the same stuff you've seen in every army movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

One guy's not cleaning his bed and the lieutenant goes like, you gotta get

[Gareth Reynolds]

that bed in order.

[Jake Johnson]

And he goes like, you man. He goes, everybody drop down. Everybody's doing push ups as the sun comes up. So all of a sudden, some guys being funny in the class laughs. But you joking around is making me do more homework. I'm done laughing at your jokes, Jake. That's it, Gareth. It's over. And then hot takes, all of a sudden, the other thing that'll happen is they're kind of fun. So then you can move them away from punishments and turn it into a reward system.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Attaching their face, looking for.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I think we can get there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's a good tweak.

[Jake Johnson]

But I like that everybody has to do it. And all of a sudden everyone goes like, what? And then that, like one quiet girl who's great for the first time goes like, wait, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I need to write a three page

[Gareth Reynolds]

essay and read it.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to.

[Samantha]

Which is great because they can work on their public speaking skills.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then their hot take, one of them will be, I really wish some of the boys in our class would shut up so I don't have to do extra homework. And when everybody says, yes, that boy's gonna go, maybe I'm not as funny as I thought I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is right. That is a big part of the psyche. If you, if you're killing, you're gonna keep going. But if you do feel the pen,

[Jake Johnson]

the reason you kill in that grade is because all the kids are insecure. Sometimes they're just laughing because they don't know what else to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, I think that's a great tweet.

[Samantha]

Absolutely. I think that. I think that makes it a lot more like feasible for me to do it because I. That was my worry that I in, like, it would be too fun for them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Samantha]

Where all of a sudden it's like the hot takes are taking over everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pain.

[Samantha]

I like it.

[Chris]

It.

[Samantha]

It has, it does have the discipline aspect of it and it does include everybody. Also helps them with their public Speaking, which is what we want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And again, they're.

[Samantha]

I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Having like the thing we found round is they, you know, gives them a strong pov. They have to write for their own, like thinking their own perspective. It's character building.

[Samantha]

Yes. And I like the idea of they have to come up with the hot take too.

[Jake Johnson]

Everything. And that's part of then the assignment. There's a week of like building people's hot takes and then they go. They have like a week to get it ready and then there's a big performance day. And really what you could try to do is talk to other teachers and see if you can get kids from other classes to join too. Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. That was always absolutely. Larger spotlight.

[Samantha]

I absolutely. We are a public speaking school. So, you know, we. We. Every single student gets a public speaking class every day. So.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right. So it could be a thing.

[Samantha]

This could be a school wide thing. Actually.

[Jake Johnson]

This could be a school wide thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's also if you bring in the older kids. That was always where you're like, oh, I'm not funny.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eighth grader. Yeah. You're like, apologize.

[Jake Johnson]

First of all, I want to say to everybody, I apologize. I'm invisible. I'm an idiot. Yeah. One thing, Samantha, would you like to. Should we arrange that you talk to. And no pressure if you don't need it at this point, but would you like to talk to the Godfather, the goat? Cuz we could get. We could put you on with Mr.

[Samantha]

H. Oh, my goodness.

[Jake Johnson]

What we could do is he could give you some hot takes. We are just, you know, he owns the company. We're just door too. Sales.

[Samantha]

Husband got you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He owns.

[Jake Johnson]

He owns the lotion brand. We just knock on your door and go, can we put it on your hands? See, I can sell you three bottles.

[Samantha]

I mean, I would love to talk to a teacher. Needs a teacher. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Can you see if we can write an email to Mr. H. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Samantha, are you around at all the rest of today or should we schedule that for another time?

[Samantha]

I am around. I have about another 25 minutes before I have to get back to class.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe we'll do another.

[Samantha]

Yeah, yeah. But we could do it another day. Absolutely. This is my prep period, so this is a good time for me to call and you know, and all of the. The whole school is supportive of this, which is cool. So like, I've talked to my admin about it and it's a really unique, fun school. So you Know, they. They were all excited that I was doing the podcast and getting your advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's try eventually. What we're going to do, Samantha, is we're going to get the whole school doing. Mr. H. We're going to get the whole school to do. We're Here to help. So Mr. H's hot takes. We get. I would love eventually. I would love eventually a banner that there's an annual. We're here, but we got to get the We're Here to help in there, too. It's just. It's got to be in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So my partner's a brand.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to help presents Mr. H's Hot Takes Day.

[Samantha]

I mean, absolutely. I mean, we could do an assembly day,

[Jake Johnson]

photos of it. We'll post all about it.

[Samantha]

Our school would love to partner with y'.

[Jake Johnson]

All.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're partnered.

[Jake Johnson]

We're partnered. It's a partnership partner.

[Samantha]

This could be really fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Barbara's closing the deal here. Samantha, Rob just wrote Gareth will fly out. Gareth, he won't. That flight.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you'll go like this. Well, actually, in May, I'm gonna be in Nevada.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trying to think.

[Jake Johnson]

Check Gareth Reynolds dot com.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it might happen. That could happen.

[Jake Johnson]

If you did stand up for all the kids and you did a hot take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Be as funny as it gets. We'd get Kyle to film that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do a hot take.

[Samantha]

But, Samantha, we could get the whole school in there. That would be so fun.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Samantha, for now, if that happens, it'd be incredible. But I would now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I call it. I'm calling it now Bomb.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Samantha, let's really do this, and let's blow up the school with hot takes, starting with the kids. It'll be great for the show. It will work for the kids. Kids. And because you guys are public speaking, it's kind of perfect. But for now, let's get you set up with Mr. H. And we will get you guys kind of talking and the Godfather can, you know, give you some planners. And then you're gonna do what you do, and you're gonna be. We're gonna create something really special in the desert.

[Samantha]

I. I think an oasis in the desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Samantha]

In the meantime, I'm going to make the doghouse, because that's fun. And I have cardboard. So I think. Yeah, I'll send you guys a picture

[Jake Johnson]

of the dog house, keep us up to date with all the info and all the extra stuff we live for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is great, Samantha.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Samantha]

Oh, thank you so much. I Had so much fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're great. This is exciting.

[Samantha]

All right, we'll talk more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go get him.

[Samantha]

All right, thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Hello.

[Samantha]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's happening? Who are you, please?

[Eva]

My name is Eva, but my husband, I think, is the one who's supposed to be talking. Sorry. He's coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool.

[Jake Johnson]

What's up? It's Eva.

[Samantha]

You said Eva?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What's up, Eva? Where you from?

[Eva]

I'm from Monaghan in Ireland. Yeah, I'm the Irish wife.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Chris]

Yeah. Well, I'm good, thank you.

[Samantha]

How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. What does Irish wife mean to you when you said, I'm the Irish wife? Does it mean something to be an Irish wife?

[Eva]

My. When my husband joined, he was just like, oh, my wife is Irish.

[Samantha]

So, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So where'd you guys meet?

[Eva]

We met in a small little place at the top of Ireland. We were both doing well. I was doing like a gap year after school, and my husband, Patty, was on the staff, whatever. And he was eyeing me up, and I had no idea, but then he told me after, and I was like, oh, I guess. I guess you're cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did your husband and. And his name's Patty.

[Eva]

His name's Patty? Yeah, but he's Canadian. He's not Irish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. And eyeing. Eyeing her up, you know, giving her

[Jake Johnson]

the old cool term feels very old world. So he was eyeing you up in Ireland and then he pulled you from Ireland? And where do you guys live now?

[Samantha]

No, we're living in Ireland.

[Eva]

We're living in Dublin.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, he went there. So I spent some time in Dublin. I went to Trinity acting school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, did you?

[Jake Johnson]

Very. Oh, the Samuel Beckett theater.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, I love Sam Beckett. How long are you there?

[Samantha]

Super cool.

[Jake Johnson]

About four months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at you. How old?

[Jake Johnson]

20. Good friend.

[Chris]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Eva]

Oh, hello period.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Patty, Hi. Hi, Pazi. Well, we were just catching up with Eva a little bit. We know you were giving her the eyes. What do you want? She. I think she was waiting for you to set this up. So you're in Dublin.

[Patty]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're Patty, She's Eva. We don't really know anything else.

[Patty]

Yeah, yeah. So originally I called about. We had a. Downstairs. Our downstairs neighbor changed our doormat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. This was big. This went.

[Jake Johnson]

Put it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People weighed in on this.

[Jake Johnson]

Was. Hey, Patty. Was Jenny. Jenny Slate on the call?

[Patty]

Yeah, Jenny Slate was on the call.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And the. So Patty, walk everybody through the problem who are new to this and are not going to hear the first one. Right away. So retell the problem and what we did.

[Patty]

Yeah, so basically the problem was there was a moment. So a while ago, my wife bought a new doormat to replace our ugly old doormat that came with the. The apartment when we rented. And so she got that. And then, like, a month after we got that new doormat, then our neighbor downstairs kind of stopped us as we were walking into our house, put down two new doormats, one on top of our new one, and said, same style, if that's okay. And we just didn't really know what to do then.

[Jake Johnson]

So I called you guys, and what did we suggest? And of the suggestions, what did you like and what did you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patty]

So you guys suggested. So the main suggestion that I was hoping to go with was, like, faking a spill, like, accidentally, like, shattering a bottle of wine.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the red wine spillage.

[Patty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so. But we ended the call, kind of saying, maybe I'll check in with my wife. But I have a confession to make.

[Samantha]

Please, can I tell this part, Patty?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Patty]

No, you can't.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hold on, Pat. Patty. Patty, I'm gonna have to jump in. As one of the hosts of the show, Eva, would you please tell this part?

[Eva]

Thank you, Jake. So I was so. Obviously, Patty was so hyped for this call or whatever. I honestly thought it was. I didn't think you guys would really take the call seriously. I thought he just wanted a reason to talk to Jake Johnson, to be honest.

[Patty]

Not true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, easy does it, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

He's like, I wanted to talk to Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just didn't want to talk to either of them. We had a doormat issue. Free help.

[Eva]

Anyway, he was writing little notes. This call that was fine. Anyway, I was in a different room. He was having it. I come in to check on him and make him nervous, and I start recording him to show his family how stressed out he looks while he's on this call. And then I realized the call is coming toward an end, so I'm like, oh, I'm gonna sit on the bed and listen to it. And he's like, obviously, clearly, like, leave me alone. I'm trying to focus. Anyway.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, this is business talking to two doctors.

[Eva]

I know, right? Anyway, next thing I can hear is Jenny Slate being like, don't tell your wife.

[Samantha]

And I'm sitting there with my jaw

[Eva]

on the ground being like, who is this Jenny girl? What is she doing right now?

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, you heard? An affair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that is a tough one.

[Eva]

So, I mean, I knew Kind of what was going on. But I put the pieces together, and I realized, yeah, she's trying to tell him to sabotage the man.

[Chris]

That.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Eva]

And in fairness to Patty, like, our neighbor situation, like, he was trying. He didn't want to, like, share too much about their life, But I was just, like, knowing them, and, like, basically, they've come from Ukraine, and, you know, like, I didn't think they had much money.

[Chris]

I was like, I do not want

[Eva]

to ruin these people's mat. Like, but they spent money on my. Yeah. So then I was like, so anyway, yeah, I was basically, like, sitting there, and Patty was agreeing to not telling his wife. And I was like, no.

[Patty]

I was agreeing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was saying, go ahead, Patty, make us better.

[Samantha]

You got.

[Patty]

You guys were saying no. Well, you guys were saying, oh, talk to wife. And I was like, yeah, I'll talk to her. Not, like, I didn't think about the fact that she was sitting right in front of me. I was just like. I was shitting my pants. I was so nervous, and so I was like, yeah, I'll talk to her. And I thought you guys were running out of time as well. So I was like, I'll talk to her and get back to you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

That makes sense.

[Patty]

But she was, like, sitting right there, and I was too nervous to say, oh, yeah. Actually, she's just been listening to the conversation.

[Jake Johnson]

Patty, you didn't do anything wrong. It would have been weird at the end of the call to say she was in the wife. Then we would ask too many questions. Questions, and we would get derailed. I think he did everything right. My question to you, Eva, just because I remember now, the whole Ukraine angle, and I get it. If they don't have money, they dealt with a lot of stuff. We. I understand. I've got empathy for them. Why did they do two mats?

[Eva]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold up. But this is what the call is about. We're not saying you don't like their mat. Yeah. Throw wine on. On it. They covered your mat.

[Patty]

Well, no, listen, listen. So it's. It's all kind of worked out, so I'll let evil explain. But, like, we sent in a picture that, like, we. Yeah, Eva, you can explain from here.

[Eva]

Yeah, basically, you know, I. I was on that level of, like, oh, I. You know, I have so much compassion. I don't want to do that. And then I think the more I dwelled on it, I was like, actually, I freaking love my ma. I freaking hate her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Eva]

And I'm just gonna take it off. And I just grew a Pair of balls. And I just took it off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Took their mat off of your mat, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

That is. Yeah, that's the real move now when people call us, a lot of people will email and go, like, why didn't you just say the basic thing? Because the basic thing is something you can do on your own.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you just said it. I'm ripping the band aid off. What happened?

[Samantha]

Yeah, well, it was actually so fun.

[Eva]

I mean, I was nervous.

[Samantha]

I kept wait.

[Eva]

I came home every day, like, waiting for the Matthew moves back on top of mine. Because I think there was one stage where I did, like, before Patty called in, where I kind of almost tried to be brave and move it, but then it was. So then I was like, oh, gosh, message received. Don't do that. Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it was, like, bad weather. And so then, like, whenever you go into, like. Yeah. The main entrance of the, like, porch, I just decided to move the second ugly map there. So that unveiled my mask.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

This was one of the pitches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot of math.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but this was so many maths. This was. I remember one of the pitches because when you walk in, theirs is uniform on one side. You walk in, you do your things on their kind of 70s mug, then you go inside of theirs or you walk to yours. I think this is totally. It's a lot of math, but it's

[Gareth Reynolds]

a lot of mats. It's a small space, but can we also talk about the absurdity of them thinking that the master mat that they put over your other mat is anything they said, like, similar design. Right. Wasn't that, like, their ver. Wasn't their justification? Yeah, it look. Couldn't look more different.

[Jake Johnson]

So different. And so. Okay, so you did this and then what happened?

[Chris]

Like, I don't think really anything.

[Eva]

I mean, I kept, like. So we rolled then that. That front mat isn't always out. Like, she sometimes rolls that extra mat up whenever it's not raining, which obviously isn't that common in. But so since then, she has since just rolled it up and it stays in a corner when it's not needed and it's put out again when it is.

[Patty]

I was sad. I want you guys to know I was really excited to do the whole crime.

[Jake Johnson]

I was.

[Patty]

I was like, eva, don't. Don't move it yet.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm so.

[Patty]

I want to do this.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to smash the bottle, Patty. I know you did, baby, but here. But here's the truth. Here's the truth, Patty. We're just looking for a win, and we got a win.

[Patty]

I know we. I think we got a bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. 100%. I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

So sometimes we run a mile to go a block. That's something we say, but this is a win. Eva, are you happy with the solution?

[Chris]

I am.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you glad that Patty called the show?

[Samantha]

I am so glad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the other thing that I'd say. And. And maybe this is where, you know, we can leave it in this spot. Listen, other problems in your lives are going to emerge, and we've now established a really solid line of communication, great relationship. Do not be afraid, afraid to come back to us, either one of you, with any of your small problems we don't mind pitching, trying to solve because, you know, Patty's got something on his bucket list. He wants to take some of the crazy advice from this show. Eva, you're now a friend of the show. You know, don't be afraid to call back in. There's no problem too small for us to pitch way big.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's exactly right. And Ava, really, before we go, would you give your honest thoughts to Jenny Slate saying, don't tell your wife your thoughts. A little message to Jenny Slate from your you.

[Eva]

No, I can't be mad at her because I find out she's in the Lorax and I freaking love that movie. But my advice would be just don't mess with an Irish lady. Don't tell an Irish lady's husband to not tell her something, because she will find out and she will find you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. That's a crazy end, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. So Jenny was in the Laura Lorax.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it really shows you the power of celebrity. She said, don't tell your wife any of this, but because she's in the Lorax, things are okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Right. Thank you for the call. This is a good solution. This is a win. We rang the bell. Patty, we appreciate you. Ava, we appreciate you.

[Patty]

Excellent. Thank you so much, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Patty]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye, bye. Bye bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the English. This is the UK or English or Irish goodbye, where you say goodbye 30 more times than you need to. Like, when I get off the phone with my mother, she'll be like, goodbye. All right, Bye bye, Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our page [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller Theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Chris]

That was a Hitgum podcast. That was a Hitgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds and I have a new podcast on Headgum called Next. We have now this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I'm here probably try to skip this ad right now, but don't because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how Law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doughboys play a game called Meal or no Meal and Steph, Tola and I go head to head on a thought provoking game called Guess that Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds and we probably have more fun than we should, but it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next. We have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast Applied.