269: This Sh*t Has Sailed & Ordered And Eaten (with Justin Long and Sal Vulcano)

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 269: This Sh*t Has Sailed & Ordered And Eaten (with Justin Long and Sal Vulcano)

Date: March 11, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds
Guests: Justin Long, Sal Vulcano

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, Jake and Gareth welcome comedian-actor Justin Long and Impractical Jokers star Sal Vulcano. They dive into the art of giving barely-helpful advice while trading classic “bit” humor and personal stories. Calls from listeners lead to extended riffs about bathroom etiquette at work and handling unwanted attention as an attractive waiter, all with the guests’ trademark wit and embarrassment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introductions & Opening Banter (01:43–04:40)

• Name Games & Mispronunciations: The group starts with confusion around Sal’s last name ("Volcano" vs. Vulcano), sparking a running bit about intentionally mispronouncing words like "potato" and "tomato".
• Impractical Jokers War Stories: Sal recalls his most stressful public pranks—especially cutting in line in New York ("the simple ones are sometimes the hardest… social faux pas, no manners, it's tough. That stuff will never get easy." – Sal, 05:43).
• Showbiz Talk: Jake shares an awkward moment trying to "fit in" on the set of a largely Black-led film, leading to a digressive but hilarious attempt to pronounce "50 Cent" in an authentic way.

“I didn’t realize that 50 was the potato version of potato.” – Jake, 08:01

2. Listener Call #1: The Office Bathroom Dilemma (14:29–40:45)

• Caller: Phyllis (“Phil”), 20, admin assistant in Pennsylvania
• Situation: There's a secret, unspoken rule at her office regarding which bathroom stall is the “designated pooping stall.” She’s anxious about inadvertently breaking the code as a new hire and facing social consequences.
• Discussion:
  • All four brainstorm ways to discover which stall is “the one” without asking outright.
  • Theories include tailing a “noisy tummy” colleague, indirect questioning, and process of elimination ("salvage your dignity, but it sounds like we’re playing bathroom Russian roulette" – Jake, 24:38).
  • They debate if it’s ever acceptable to use the wheelchair-accessible stall (all agree: avoid it for number two).
  • Justin admits to “poop shame” and shares a story about soiling his overalls in first grade. Jake counter-stories about his dad’s stubborn refusal to use public toilets.
• Solution Pitched: Make an anonymous sign with just a poop emoji and put it on the likely “designated” door. If it's wrong, the office “poop enforcer” (Kate) will fix it, thus revealing the secret. (“Put the emoji on the door and let them move it accordingly. Let them talk about it and hopefully I get more details.” – Phil, 40:30)

Notable Quotes

• “You stake the claim. If it's wrong, someone else'll fix it and you got your answer.” – Jake, 33:10
• “This is the brown room. The other ones are the yellow ones.” – Gareth, 36:02

Memorable Tangent:

Jake and Justin exchange horror stories about public bathroom use and attempts to deflect shame ("If someone recognizes me from 'New Girl' after I’ve destroyed a plane bathroom, I just tell them, 'Not great in there.'" – Jake, 30:29).

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3. Listener Call #2: Being Too Handsome—a Waiter’s Problem (44:29–71:16)

• Caller: Cole, 26, Minneapolis waiter
• Situation: Cole, described as “classically handsome,” is routinely touched by middle-aged and elder customers (women and some men) at his restaurant. He’s uncomfortable—both from personal morals and out of respect for his wife—and wants a polite, effective way to set a boundary.
• Discussion:
  • Initial jokes about Cole’s “humblebrag” predicament (“You’re living right, Cole. You’re living a lot of men’s fantasies.” – Jake, 45:55).
  • Cole clarifies the issue: He’s happily married and seeks support in enforcing boundaries without creating awkwardness or risking tips.
  • Bad ideas: Obvious pins/buttons (“Look don’t touch”) are seen as too much of an invitation or awkward (“That’s a billboard to anyone who reads it.” – Sal, 55:26).
  • Physical avoidance is considered but ruled out due to space constraints.

Developed Solution:

• Deliver a succinct, management-blaming script any time touching occurs.
  • “I know this is kind of silly, but something happened that I’m not aware of, and now there’s a no touching policy here. It is what it is.” (Cole, practicing at 69:00)
  • The key is to make it light, non-accusatory, and shift blame to mysterious “corporate policy” so no party feels embarrassed.
• The crew rehearses sample exchanges, role-playing persistent customers; Cole is encouraged to keep it friendly, humane, and matter-of-fact.

Notable Quotes

• "Not that I mind, but there is a no touching policy, guys. Because of something I'm unaware of. Moving on, then. What can I get you to eat?" – Jake, 65:07
• “That's gonna work. ... I'm keeping my hands off of that person.” – Jake, 70:17

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “My brother and I, because we're mean people, walk in stomping our feet … 'God damn, that stinks.' My dad flushed and lifted up his feet. I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life.” – Jake, 27:29
• “You’re crazy. ... I'm gonna go, hey, there's Justin Long, and then you sit down to take a dump? I'm gonna be like, Justin Long takes dumps now.” – Jake, 29:48
• “Classically handsome at a restaurant. A bunch of 40-year-old ladies loving what you’re cooking.” – Jake, 45:50
• “Cole, I’m about to grab your ass, dude. You’re walking by me with a thing of potato skins and I’m touching that little butt. That was the cutest answer I’ve ever heard.” – Jake, 49:29

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–01:43 – Sponsorships and Housekeeping
• 01:43–04:40 – Potato/potato, mispronunciation games
• 04:40–08:40 – Impractical Jokers pranks, social faux pas anxiety
• 08:40–11:00 – Set awkwardness and "50 Cent" pronunciation ordeal
• 14:29–40:45 – Call #1: The designated office poop stall mystery
• 40:45–44:29 – Ad break / humorous transitions
• 44:29–71:16 – Call #2: Cole’s “good-looking waiter” struggles and setting boundaries

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Structure and Flow

The episode moves with classic “yes, and…” comedic energy. Jokes overlap with sincere advice. Both listener segments grow into collaborative improv scenarios, with the entire group acting out “what ifs” and “worst case” scenarios.

The advice itself is appropriately on-brand: funny, roundabout, but ultimately surprisingly practical for both callers.

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Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential “We’re Here to Help” romp: irreverent, full of tangents, but warmly attentive to the actual anxieties of the callers. Both listeners leave with concrete (and funny) scripts to solve their problems—from secretly labeling the office “poop room” to deflecting persistent flirts with corporate policy. Meanwhile, listeners get a front-row seat to the unique comedic chemistry between the hosts and guests.

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If you missed it:
You’ll enjoy this episode if you love cringe-and-banter comedy, tales of social awkwardness, and seeing how working comedians would actually handle the “unwinnable” everyday office (and hospitality) challenges.

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast.

[B]

This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace.

[C]

We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's bs. Again, we've never promised. We're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for.

[B]

We have a new website that's not for us. It's for hot Takes. Some members of the community have written in. We've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a website and we wanted to do it for hot Takes. So this is a Squarespace made website.

[C]

Squarespace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting edge design. So your website is going to look cool, beautiful, dare I say SEO tools, search engine optimization. It's important. It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, Don videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website.

[B]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[A]

I don't want to put too much pressure on this friendship, but I have a really good feeling about this.

[B]

Well, s Volcano. Now I it up. You said volcano.

[D]

Yeah. Well, so it's volcano. So. So here it is.

[A]

It's potato. Potato.

[B]

No, but mine is wrong. So mine is whatever the bad one is.

[A]

Potato, yours. Potato.

[B]

By the way, nobody finds this potato on play. If somebody finds a restaurant, they go, can I get a steak and some deep fried potatoes? I would go, I'm not your friend anymore. That saying exists from another era. It's not tomato to me. It's like tomatoes and a tomato.

[D]

I think what we do here is we start a pact right now that going forward, at least for a sample size, at least for like the next, like month, we make a pact without explanation, commit to potato and tomato, and then.

[B]

Yeah, by the way, we'll have a

[D]

quick call in about four weeks and just talk about how to go.

[B]

I got a game the three of us could actually do in 2026.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All of our job is to say potato and press.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. To see. And in one year, we come back next year and do this again, see who wins. But it's the press that has to be. Podcast don't count.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's got to be like a talk show, a morning show.

[A]

Let me ask you this. If somebody catches you on it and Asks you about questions that. Can you explain? You got to let it ride.

[B]

Then you have to go like this. Some people say potatoes. Some people say potato.

[A]

Well, Kelly Ripa, you know what they say?

[B]

Yeah, but you're not allowed to. You're not allowed to break the bit or. My brother and I. I've said this on this podcast, but we used to play a version of Ding Dong Ditch when I was growing up. He was older, and it was. He would spin me in circles as fast as I could until I was mentally gone.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Then we would Ding Dong Ditch, and he would hide. So when the mom answered the door, I was on another.

[A]

You were like, a true Ding Dong.

[B]

Yeah, I was. Yes. They were like, hello. And I'd be like. And they would be so worried about, like, to be like, little boy, probably give you money. Yeah.

[A]

Probably think you're soliciting for an organization.

[B]

Try to run away and do the. But you could always say, I'm just dizzy. When they were worried, you had to say, like, they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yes, I'm okay. You could never break the game. So let's see in a year what happens.

[A]

And another fun part of that is that we have to introduce the word potato even to be talking about potato at all. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. This movie's good. You know, it's a steak and potatoes kind of movie.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you might want to watch that at home. You got some mashed potatoes going, and you just wanted something to watch in the background. All right, I like this.

[B]

I'm just gonna.

[D]

Just potato.

[A]

Well, you'll be good at this stuff because it feels like. It feels like a later version of what you do on Impractical Jokers.

[D]

It might be a fun bit to just like, constantly mispronounce words until someone calls you out on. So there's something there. Yeah, definitely something fun.

[B]

How many years have you guys been doing that show? At this point?

[D]

14 years on the air.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. And how. I mean, it's a super funny show, but how stressful is.

[D]

Can be it really?

[A]

Because I have a specific. Sorry, that's just to Bunny. But I have a specific stressful. That question, but specifically because I just saw the one where you cut and I don't know what a sweet, kind person you are. And salads. Do one where he cut in line. He had to cut in line in front of New Yorkers at a bodet. At a supermarket in New York. He had to cut and. And in front of old people in front of Like, I mean it was that to me. I felt for you. I felt like this is one I couldn't some. I think I could maybe do this. That one I could not do.

[D]

What was that?

[B]

Like that. That's a.

[D]

The simple ones are sometimes the hardest. You know, like just social faux pas things that you know, no manners or. It's tough. It could be tough. That stuff will never get easy.

[B]

Right.

[D]

It just won't. It's, it's built into our DNA that we're not supposed. So it's like it'll never get easy. So that doesn't get easy.

[B]

You know.

[D]

And then it's also a lot of stuff is kept a surprise from us. So like when you're, you have this anxiety a lot of times when you don't know what's going to happen, you just like imagine the worst.

[A]

Yeah, but I can see it on your face.

[D]

It's funny, you know when they're like,

[A]

you're like just say it. What is it? And those guys are so like there's this level of sadism too where they're like okay, you ready for it? You ready?

[C]

And you're.

[D]

Justin was just on an episode actually that I.

[B]

Fun hasn't aired.

[D]

Right. It's airing. I think they started in the new ones in January, so.

[B]

And what did you. Would you killed it?

[D]

If I might say so.

[B]

If I always kills it. Yeah. We used to call him Tuition on New Girl because he was so good that he was going to get so many episodes he was going to pay tuition for our kids school.

[A]

That's so funny. That's. You know, I just worked with Lamorne.

[B]

Oh, how was the movie?

[A]

Oh it was, it was, it was fun. You know, I was one of, one of the only white actors and, and crew members and, and I had a funny thing happening.

[B]

Well, I'm talking about black people, so that must have been really hard.

[A]

Yeah, that's a well known.

[B]

That's a nightmare for you.

[A]

You know what a struggle there is.

[B]

Not Sal and I. Sure. But you, Justin.

[A]

Everyone knows that's gross. Yeah. So it was. My therapist thought it would be good for me to just really confront it and.

[B]

No, it wasn't. It wasn't for me.

[A]

It backfired. But I, I, I was, I, I was in the hair and makeup trailer and I was the only white person in the hair and mega trailer. Crowded trailer. And, and one of the actresses in the movie, Natori. Natori Nalton. She's great. She works with Curtis Jackson on the show Power. She plays his Wife. And that's cool. I tried to be cool and tell me, because I have a great. What I thought was a great 50 cent story. So I said, I said, right.

[D]

You had your own potato.

[B]

Potato right there. That's the worst. Potato. Potato.

[A]

That potato and that. I didn't realize that 50 was a. Was the potato. Was the potato version of potato.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, and as soon as I, I go, I have a. I think I even said, like, I've got a pretty good 50 story. And they go, Everyone collectively was like, what you say? And I, I was like, oh, I. Did I say it? Or they said fitty. Nobody says fitty, Jake. Let me test both.

[B]

So dorky.

[A]

Yeah, so dorky.

[B]

And it's amazing.

[A]

And I, I said, well, how do you say it?

[B]

You know?

[A]

And I'm like, well, tell me how to say. Do you know how to say it? Because I didn't know 50. 50. It's not 50 either. You don't say the FT. You.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna try it. Here we go.

[B]

It's gonna be bad. It's. This is the whitest we've ever been, the three of us. How would you say it?

[A]

Oh, if they're listening right now, they're gonna laugh at me because I practice so many times. Every time I was around them, the whole hair and makeup team, they were so sweet. They were so patient with me. Finney, finish.

[B]

Stop it. With the accent. That's it. Justin.

[A]

They told me to do this.

[B]

And they were being mean to you.

[D]

Wait, what did you change?

[B]

Here's what he changed. He weird. He just goes like this. Here's the difference. You gotta go fitty, fitty, fitty. That's not it. That's wrong.

[A]

You gotta say like, Jimmy,

[B]

you gotta, you gotta say.

[A]

You gotta throw it away.

[B]

You gotta say it. Like the. Yup. Guy on that show about people who go to the Storage Wars Y. Yep.

[A]

It's. It's fitty, fitty. F. That sounds the worst of the sounds.

[B]

I I, s. We both.

[A]

How do you say.

[B]

It's not. No, we're not going around. And d. How to say 50?

[D]

I. I think you were damned. I mean, I, I think you were backed into a corner there. I think if you would have said 50, you would have got something. Yeah, you got something. And then if you would have came out of the gate pronouncing it whatever this third way is that I'm still not comprehending, they might have been like, who do you think I, I, I don't.

[B]

I It's not good. But Sal, really fast you are going on tour or you got your special coming out? What's going on with your standup brother?

[D]

Yes, yes. I have a special called Terrified. It's on HBO Max streaming.

[B]

Cool.

[D]

And I'm touring right now throughout the country. I'm always adding dates. I'm touring all the way till 27. So Saville county for a full year. Two and a half. I started, I started in September of 24.

[B]

Wow, man. How many everywhere? How many weeks out of the months are you gone? How does it work?

[D]

I usually do like about, I'd say between 60 and 80 cities a year,

[B]

the special.

[A]

So I'll be as hype. It's so good. Terrified. It's great.

[B]

And so one last time because I interrupted because I got weirded out by all that travel. Where can people find where you're gonna be and see you on the road? They can see on HBO Max with the special. Where can they see in person?

[D]

Yeah. So my website will have it all. Sal volcano, comedy.com and yeah, so. And I'm always, always adding dates. So there's probably like 40 or so up there now. But I'm just. You check back if you don't see your city because I will eventually go to every single place and I got plans.

[A]

That's a threat.

[C]

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[C]

Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites, I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it For a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people so that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate. So my personal website, Gareth Reynolds.com squarespace my film giveitupfilm.com squarespace every everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go. So they keep offering everything.

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[A]

Do I know this cup of chick? How do I do that? I don't know this guy.

[B]

Hello?

[D]

Hey.

[B]

Hello. Hey. Hello.

[A]

You're on. You're on. Here to help. We're here to help.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

All right. This is my first time. Is this your first time calling in?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So what's your name and. And how can we help? Well, who.

[B]

Who do we have?

[A]

Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry. It's been a while since I've answered a phone. We are on with my Name's Justin Long. And you're with, of course, Jake Johnson and Sal Volcano. But you can call himself Volcano.

[E]

Hi, guys. Hi, Sal Volcano.

[D]

Hi, how are you?

[A]

And who do we have here?

[E]

How are you? This is Phil.

[B]

Hey, Phil. Did you say Phil like P H, I, L? Yes.

[E]

Correct.

[B]

I wouldn't have bet you were going to say Phil.

[E]

I'm Phil.

[B]

That's cool. Is it short for Philomena?

[E]

Sure.

[B]

Is Phil a fake name?

[E]

It's Phyllis.

[B]

Phyllis. You're right. I was wrong. My aunt's name. Philomena. All right, Phil, where are you calling from? Justin, very bad job with the intro.

[A]

I want to practice that.

[B]

Okay. Pennsylvania. And how old are you? About? Just so we get a sense of you.

[E]

20.

[B]

20. What are you doing? What are you doing in Pennsylvania? Phil, what's your day today? You in school, you at work? What do you work at?

[E]

Just working.

[B]

What's working?

[E]

Working as an administrative assistant.

[B]

Okay. How do you like it?

[E]

Going good. Going good. That's what my. That's what I need help with, though.

[B]

All right, take over.

[E]

Alrighty. So I'm less than a month into my new office job, Admin assistant. So far, I'm liking everything and everyone. Little problem is that recently there's been chatter about people outside our immediate office suite. You know, like security guards and people from, like, the neighboring offices. You know, it's a big building. There are suites shitting in our bathroom.

[B]

But.

[E]

But specifically why they aren't using the designated pooping stall. You know, designated for pooping. And my issue is. Sorry, go ahead.

[B]

No, you go ahead, because we're all going to ask, what does that mean? Okay, install. Yeah, but keep going with this.

[E]

Well, apparently there's a stall in my office suite designated for. And my issue is I don't know which stall that is. There are four stalls, all identical, aside from a slightly larger, wheelchair accessible stall. They seem to always know when a has taken place in any other stall other than that stall. So I'm just 1000% sure that if I in the wrong stall, they're gonna know about it and talk about it. And I just don't want that look for myself.

[B]

Phil, can I first say excellent job? Yeah, great question. Different than I thought it was going to be. I thought the thing was going to be, how do we get them to stop shitting in our bathroom? But I love that it's more.

[E]

No, it took a turn.

[B]

It took a turn that there. And I like this, that there is. Everybody, culturally at that place of work knows where you should but they don't explain it. So how would you know?

[A]

How would you know?

[E]

How would I know? And I will say right off the bat, the ship has sailed on asking them directly. It is not an option. It's. It's too late.

[B]

The.

[D]

The has sailed.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

How did you even know. How did you even know there was a designated stall for shitting?

[E]

I heard them talking about it in the halls. They were talking about someone from the neighboring suite taking a. And how it smelled. And they're like, we don't know why they just won't use that designated stall. Like the poop stall. And nobody told me this on my

[A]

first day, but aren't the stalls next to one another? They're consecutive stalls.

[F]

Right.

[A]

Wouldn't the shit smell fill up the whole empire?

[E]

Well, the thing is, these are individual, like, bathrooms. Sorry, I probably should have explained that better. These are individual, like. Like separate bathrooms.

[A]

But, yeah, I struggle with those.

[E]

So personally. But. But personally, when someone takes a. I kind of just smell it everywhere, so I really don't know how they know

[B]

where it's coming from.

[A]

It traps. Yeah. So. So there's separate rooms, you're saying felt?

[E]

Yes. Separate rest. Yes.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I have a suggestion.

[B]

That's a pitch, Sal. Jump in.

[D]

Okay. You could keep an ear. An ear out for when someone complains about, like, a grumbling tummy or something. And then you tail them to see which door they go in.

[B]

Hey, Sal, walk us through this then. Are you gonna go ear to the door while they're dumping?

[D]

No, but what I would do is I would. I would listen for a, you know, a telltale complaint, like, oh, boy. Or something like that.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, we're older.

[A]

We are older, Phil.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Or just check out, like, go in the fridge ahead of time in, like, the break room and look at the. Look who brought what for lunch. And then you're gonna keep an eye on that person. And then I would just tell them I would always stay back.

[A]

My wife made kale stew last night.

[B]

And then follow where they go.

[E]

I. I hear you. I do. It's just I'm also supposed to be working there.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And so I just feel like I might get distracted.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

It's a thought. If someone very overtly complained, maybe I tail them to the bathroom. But I just got work to do.

[D]

I have another. So what about if you make believe, like, come back from the bathroom to your co workers and be like, hey,

[B]

you know, this is good.

[D]

I was just in the. The store on the right and it smelled in there. And what are we doing? Because you have a. Is it. There's four stalls.

[B]

You have a.

[D]

You have a 25 chance. Yeah. And you say like, I think somebody in the right. On the right. In the right bathroom there. And on the right side. And then some be like, what? Like, someone will most likely be like, what? Well, that goes against everything we stand for, because we all know that we agreed you got to shit in the bathroom.

[A]

Or if you got the 25 wrong, you. They'll say, well, yeah. And then you'll say. You could say, no, no, no, sorry, I didn't mean the right one. I meant the left one. Then you could alter your.

[B]

Wait, Phil, this is actually a very clean play, but I've got a question for you. Is there somebody in the security or the loudest gossip? Who's the person who cares the most? When you're saying. You're overhearing it? There's always somebody who's the loudest potaho, right? Who's the one that's really running point?

[A]

I'd be loud about that.

[B]

But like, there's always somebody who's like, everybody cares. One person cares the most. Who is that person who cares the most about which toilet gets shit in?

[E]

That's a good question. I feel like, yeah, one person brings it up, but then everyone's equally interested. It's probably the person who's been there the longest. She's kind of the office manager.

[B]

Okay, can we give her a name? Because the. The play Sal's talking about is specific to one person, in my opinion. So what's that office manage name?

[E]

We can call her Kate.

[B]

Kate. So I think the. The play on this one is to go to Kate one on one and go like, hey, I know this is stupid and the last thing you need to think about, but somebody took a in room one and that's out of line. And then she could go, are you kidding me? And that means it's not one and go. Should we put a sign up or something and say, like, don't go here, but get it together. Like, it's really bumming you out. So it's running a mile to go a block. But go to her and go, like, how do we fix this problem together, Kate? Because people are shitting in every toilet right now. It's anarchy.

[D]

I think it's.

[A]

It as an addendum to that, I think it's gotta be. I think you have to make clear with Kate that we need a sign for the specific shitting stall because Then she could say, I'll handle this. I mean, I'm seeing this play out a couple ways where the problem doesn't get solved. For Philippines, where Kate goes, let me take care of this. And she never learns the correct shitting room.

[E]

I feel like I can't be too specific. Like, Kate, someone shitting in bathroom one. I feel like I have to be like, kate, we just need a sign period. Let.

[B]

I think that's right. But we might be able to go a little bit more subtle on this. Sal, what were you thinking?

[D]

I have two thoughts. One is. I would. I would venture to say that the one is going to be one of the ends. It just feels like one should be. If you're gonna designate one, it'd be one that could be, you know, so that's just a little, you know, maybe it's a little clue, you know?

[B]

Now you're playing 50 50, right? You're playing 50 50. The other one near a window.

[E]

Logically, it could be the wheelchair accessible one. Just because it's bigger. There's more.

[B]

No one fair by the. I'm not shooting in a wheelchair accessible one. Because if I happen to be taking a. And someone knocks on the door, I'm never living nightmare. And they go, me, too, literally. How much longer? And I go, just a minute. And they go, I'm in a legit wheelchair. And then I walk out and I go, sorry, I was just taking a. In your special toilet.

[A]

I'm the worst guy.

[B]

And then there's three.

[E]

Open examination. That one's out.

[B]

That's out. They will never make it. That one. That's.

[D]

That's the only one they can.

[A]

And it would be. Exactly.

[D]

That's such a move to make that one the bathroom.

[B]

Yeah, we turned yours into a pig stuff, dude. We all got sick. We all over yours. And they're like, I literally can't go in another one, guys. So why are you coming in down to 3? But is that. Is that one on an end? Is that in the. Is that in the middle?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

At the end, Phil.

[A]

So maybe the other end.

[B]

It's the other one. We're playing Russian roulette, but I'm very confident we're not gonna die. The other person's gonna die and out

[A]

that community, they should keep it as far from them as possible.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

So let me ask you, by the way, that is right. If you're stuck in a wheelchair and you got to take your time to get in and out, you just have to piss.

[A]

You don't need that.

[B]

Keep it three doors away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The last thing you need is to sell somebody's. Because they had a kale salad the night before.

[A]

That's disgusting. I. I have a pitch that circumnavigates the whole thing because this is right up my alley because I struggle with.

[B]

With.

[A]

In public places.

[B]

Is this true?

[A]

Yes. Yeah. I've always.

[B]

My dad had a huge issue with that.

[A]

I. My pants in. In first grade because I wasn't able to use the. I. I. It's. That's a. For another episode. Yeah. Yeah. My. My. My overalls. I just.

[B]

Because I couldn't go in the early 80s. You're rocking overalls.

[A]

Oh, yeah. A lot of Spider man sneakers. And I remember the feeling of it just seeping down my leg and this.

[B]

Why are you doing the head nod? Like. You get this, Sal?

[A]

Yeah, I do.

[D]

I do get it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I empathize.

[A]

I sympathize.

[D]

I do. Not in public. It's got to be an emergency situation.

[B]

Really?

[D]

I've never shipped my overalls, but I. I don't need to. My overalls.

[A]

On planes. But you shit on planes.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

No, never in my life. In my life, yes.

[B]

By the way, I did two days ago.

[D]

Get out.

[B]

Okay. Well, congratulations. I'll tell you. I'll tell you why. Because it's garbage that comes out of your butt. Why am I holding it in my body? That's why they have toilet seats.

[A]

Well, here's my.

[B]

That's why they have a bathroom.

[A]

Here's my pitch to Phil. Here's what's helped me out a lot in my life because of this problem that I have. Fish oils. Fish oils at night. Take four of them and. And you get it out first thing in the morning before you go to your administrative.

[B]

Justin, this isn't her problem. See, she didn't call in saying she's constipated. You've taken the reins of this weird call and you've made it about giving advice to take fish oils. That's doing a bad job. That's not what.

[A]

Well, then there'd be no issue for the bathroom.

[B]

She wouldn't need. She didn't call in and say, how do I get more regular in the morning?

[E]

Blaming me.

[D]

It is.

[A]

That's true. That it's my own shame.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That I'm trying to pass on to you. I'm sorry. You're right. So.

[B]

Something my fault for needing to shift. I'm gonna tell a quick story that Justin and Sal are not going to identify with, but I think it's insane to not shit in public. If you got to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom. My dad would never. To him, it's like, you could never. I can't. Are you kidding me? And I'm like, are you kidding?

[A]

I love your dad's voice.

[B]

Go to the fucking toilet. He's like, I got it. We literally would be in the car. He'd be like, I gotta get home. I gotta get home. I'm like, stop with the drama queen. Go to a restaurant and take a shit.

[A]

He's like, no, he needs his room.

[B]

Runs. Runs in with his little butt cheeks quenched to get to his own toilet. And we were flying to my sister's graduation from Rhode island, and we were on planes and transferring. And he goes, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[C]

I gotta take a.

[B]

And my brother goes, it's not an emergency. Just go to the bathroom, sit down, pull your underpants down and take a. Buddy this. Nobody feels sad for you. And he's like, you don't understand. I'm like, we get it. So finally we convince him to go to the bathroom. He walks in and he's sitting down. And my brother and I, because we're mean people, walk in stomping our feet really loud. And then I go like, God damn, that stinks. And my friend. My brother goes, that's jealous. Rude. That pisses me off. My dad flushed and lifted up his feet. We. I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life. We were screaming. He's like an old man. Just going like, is that.

[A]

That requires dexterity to really.

[B]

He couldn't believe it. He's. He was living his nightmare.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

He was living it. Some mean southern guys being like, ew, that poo stinks. Of course it stinks. The only. The.

[D]

The.

[B]

The.

[D]

The emergency times that I have. Which, by the way, like, it may be like. Like it's, you know, an airport, but I go find, like, the one that's far away.

[B]

Not corner.

[A]

Yeah, I find the far away one and the one with a bunch of stalls. I don't like the one with like, two options.

[D]

Yeah, I'll find a heavy traffic one.

[B]

But.

[D]

But everyone, I will say the. In the pie chart of who's in there. Yeah, it's like. Like the majority of that chart is people who are very. I would say, too comfortable.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Just letting. Sounds like. Yeah, I. I was in the bathro not even a week ago, and a guy was doing play by Play of his own. He was like, oh, I've been holding that one in for a while. Yeah. Three times I have done it. I will tuck my feet very, very. I will get very centered with my feet, like in and in. So that. Because I do want to avoid shoe

[A]

identification on me, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You guys are crazy.

[B]

But what would you. What would it be? Let's say I'm washing my hands and I go. I see you walking. I go, hey, there's Justin Long. And then you sit down, take a dump. I'm gonna go like this. Justin Long takes dumps now.

[A]

Takes.

[E]

Takes off.

[A]

I mean, every day.

[B]

I know. Every day, everybody we know takes one.

[A]

How about this? Jake, you're on a plane. You've just destroyed the bathroom. Yeah, okay. And somebody is waiting for him. You open the door, they rec. You see that look of recognition? They. Oh, Nick from New Girl.

[B]

Yeah. It's not ideal.

[A]

What do you say? Do you say anything?

[B]

Sorry you said cutesy ways.

[C]

They.

[E]

Sorry.

[B]

I go like this. This is what I honestly do. I go like this.

[A]

So suggesting that someone else did it.

[B]

Maybe I'll take. All right. Not great in there.

[D]

If I open an airplane bedroom and it smells bad already, I won't go in because me.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

Okay, Phil, we gotta go back to you. This is the craziest 10 minutes I've

[A]

once had a restaurant. I'll do you one better. I. I had to wash my hands because I also have a thing about washing my hands and eating. I have to wash. I. I went into a single stall. Hold on.

[B]

Justin. Justin, that's not a thing.

[A]

I gotta wash my hands. Yeah, that's true. Okay, so I'm going in there, and it reeks. Someone had just destroyed it. And I'm washing my hands really quick, and somebody's waiting. When I opened the door, I was in there for less than 10 seconds. You know, I'm doing a quick wash. I opened the door and I said to them, I did not do that. I'm not responsible. I said, I'm not responsible.

[B]

I feel what I would say to you if I was a stranger. Sure thing, pal. Hey, hey, hey, bud. Go to the doctor. Your insides are trash. You're dying. Hey, pal. No. No worries. I am a little bit scared for your health.

[D]

Hey, what did you have for lunch, Diary?

[B]

Would you eat a dead raccoon, you idiot? Hey, if they. If it smells bad on the side of the road, don't eat it. Hey, Phil.

[A]

Phil. Did you eat the feces of another animal?

[B]

We are near a Solution. Yeah, we've got. We are making headway, though, in real life, and I think Sal was very right on. I do not think it'd be a middle one. Now that we know one is a handicap one. We know the bathroom. So now how do we identify it? Here's my pitch to you. Are there cameras set up, security things at all, or not by that area.

[E]

Not by the bathroom.

[B]

Here's what I'm looking for you to do.

[E]

Just by the front door.

[B]

That's fine. Here's what I'm looking for you to do. And I do. You cannot get caught. So you're gonna put a sign with tape either on the door or in the bathroom. And it's going to be. This is the toilet. Do not go in other ones. And you're gonna type. You're tight. You are making a claim. We have narrowed it down that as bedding people, I'm very confident I'd put good money on. It's the opposite corner toilet from the wheelchair accessible one. So you are staking the claim. If it's wrong, then what Kate's gonna have to do, the office manager, is go like, no, take it down. And then she's gonna put the right sign up and go, this is the

[A]

one who put this here. Right.

[B]

But you did not put it up there. It was as anonymous as Sal and Justin in a public.

[A]

That sounds bad.

[B]

Like letters.

[E]

That's a pretty solid idea.

[B]

Oh, you would do it like a ransom.

[A]

Like a ransom.

[B]

I would not do it like a ransom. I would say the ransom note is hiding it to a scary level. You must here. I'd be like, I'm literally calling security. Get here or else. But what I. What I do think, though, Phil, is stake the claim because I think it's going to be right. But if it's not, then you are putting the responsibility on the other ones who care to go, oh, this is what's happening. People are wrong. But then you gotta deny it. If somebody goes, did you put that note in there? You go, what note? So, yes, you're just basically saying you need help identifying it. So make a claim. If it doesn't get fixed, you got your answer so bad.

[E]

I can do that. I think I can.

[A]

What do you say? Instead of. Because you can't say shitting in and obvious, you say number two. This is the number two.

[B]

Phil, what do you feel most comfortable? Right.

[A]

Defecation.

[B]

You know, the community.

[E]

Number two.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

It's an office.

[B]

This number is the only one. All right, let's. Hey, Sal. Will you pitch on what that letter should be the note.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So maybe, maybe you go, like, just. You don't even touch that word. You say, this is the non peeing bathroom.

[A]

That might be confusing because.

[B]

Because that suggests take a dump. Hold it, go in the dry dump without. You're creating a really bad situation.

[A]

The dry. The dry dump room. Yeah.

[B]

Where you're like, can I? Oh. Oh, why?

[D]

That's like. Yeah, that requires years of practice.

[B]

I mean, shocking. If that was the rule, I wouldn't go taking dubs in public.

[A]

Hey, why don't you just go into two different stalls? Well, I just peed in there, and now I'm ready. I'm dry, my bladder's empty. Please, please, please.

[D]

I, I. You know, because I don't want to. You don't want to be right on the nose, but then you don't want to give too little. Like, you can't say this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's got to be clear.

[D]

Oh, this is for bms.

[B]

So what do you think in that? That note says? Because I'm gonna need a photo of it.

[E]

Well, the thing is, it's a pretty laid back office, so I feel like saying this is where you poop could potentially be acceptable.

[A]

Poop in here, please.

[B]

Yeah. Or this is the brown room. The other ones are the yellow ones.

[E]

That's the one. Brown room.

[B]

Brown room is bronze.

[F]

Brown room.

[E]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Brown room.

[B]

This is the. Wait.

[D]

You feel comfortable making a sign that says brown room, but you don't feel comfortable just going to someone go, hey, which one is the one?

[E]

The ship has failed. And in this plan, I don't get caught.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

It's anonymous. You just put up the sun. Brown room.

[B]

Say this is the brown room and the other ones are the yellow room. Actually, this is a bad idea.

[A]

No, no, no, because this will be a fun follow up.

[B]

Yeah, it might be confusing.

[A]

Brown room.

[E]

We could circle back to Kate just making the sign and having her come up with it.

[B]

And then let's do this really fast, Phil, because I'm a little bit worried you're gonna hang up and go, I heard a lot of weird stories, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. Can we do this? Sal, are you comfortable being Kate, the manager? Absolutely. Phil, will you try your hardest and let's see how this really goes.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, let's go. Whenever you're ready. Phil, take over. Kate's hard at work.

[E]

Hey, Kate, how's it going?

[A]

Please,

[E]

Can we start over?

[C]

What was that?

[D]

Just. Just knock, please. I was Just in the middle of something is all.

[E]

Sorry. Knock, knock. Are you free?

[D]

Come on in. But we can lose the little attitude you have.

[E]

All right. Sorry. How's it going?

[D]

Good. How's everything?

[E]

It's fine. It's fine. Listen, I was just in the bathroom, and it's. There's. It smelled. Smelled like. I think we need to do something about it. You know, I know the people coming and going in the office suite, they don't know what's the designated room. So I was thinking. Can you get a sign going or something?

[D]

I'm a little busy right now, but you can do it.

[E]

I'm a little busy, Kate. You're the office manager.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[D]

I'm the office manager, So I was a little. I'm a little busy running the office. But I understand your.

[B]

I understand.

[D]

I hear what you're saying, and I. And I. I give you full authority. Just do me a favor. Just jot down a little. Maybe you want to put brown. Brown room, something like that. Jot that down and just slap that on the door. That, you know is the appropriate door and.

[B]

Ak.

[D]

Ak.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Really quick.

[B]

Do you know what happened to my.

[A]

I had some potato salad in the fridge. I know it's a communal fridge, but it's missing. I don't want to interrupt what's going on here.

[D]

No, Kate was just saying that someone is using the wrong bathroom for number twos.

[A]

Ah, I noticed that.

[D]

I'm very busy. I'm the manager of the office, and so I was just giving her full sign.

[B]

I had a kale salad yesterday. Everybody get out of my way. Get out of my way. I'm having an emergency.

[A]

See, Mr. Johnson.

[B]

Hey. Nobody watched me go into the stall. Number four.

[A]

He's got a lot of shame.

[B]

Well, please. I went in my overalls.

[D]

Bill, please do not follow him, please.

[B]

Rules.

[A]

He's been eating raw tomatoes for a week.

[E]

So I'll be taking PTO for the next five months, so somebody else will have to do it.

[B]

So, Phil, here's what I really think. I'm gonna just be honest with you. I don't think you go to cake. And I'm just now saying this as a friend. I think that's going against what you want to do, and that's keep it anonymous. I think you just make a sign. Let's keep it really simple. Maybe. Right. Please. Only poop in this bathroom. We're trying to keep the smells in one area.

[A]

How about just poo room?

[B]

Yeah, this is the poop room. Other two for let's keep them smelling

[A]

clean for anything you want.

[B]

For anything else.

[D]

Wait, how about this?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Let them move the sign accordingly.

[B]

Exactly right.

[D]

How about just print the poop emoji? Right.

[B]

Good.

[E]

That's good.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

That's it. Okay, Phil, really fast. What are you gonna do?

[E]

I think I'm gonna just put the emoji on the door, let it get moved accordingly, let them talk about it, and hopefully I get more details.

[B]

Okay, we're gonna need you to take a photo of that and we're gonna need you to follow up.

[E]

We'll do.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Thanks, Phil.

[E]

All right, thanks, guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thanks. Philomene is a great name.

[B]

Yeah. But her name was Phyllis.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Phyllis. Oh,

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[B]

In hello.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Hey, how you doing?

[F]

Good, how are you?

[B]

Good. You got a special one today.

[F]

Yes, I do have a special one today.

[B]

No, I mean special from RN too. You got Justin Long here and you've got Sal. That's a nice reaction from impractical jokers. And his stand up special on HBO Max called Terrified Wow everywhere. What city are you in?

[F]

I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

[A]

He'll be there.

[B]

He'll probably be there.

[D]

I was there within the last few few months.

[B]

Yeah, I'll be back. He'll be back. All right. Can we get your name please?

[F]

Absolutely. My name is Cole.

[B]

Hey Cole. And we know where you're coming from. Calling from. And Cole, how old are you, man?

[F]

I am 26 years old, about to turn 27 this month.

[A]

Great.

[B]

What's your issue today?

[F]

Well, currently my issue right now is I work at a neighborhood corner restaurant and to put it simply, I've been told that I'm fairly handsome and have a quote unquote classic look to me. And to to put it simply, I'm a middle aged woman. Catnip. It's weird they something about middle aged women and elderly. They are all about me.

[B]

But you talking. What? Hold on, Cole, you talk in mid-40s.

[F]

Yeah, mid-40s and older.

[B]

You're talking about like a mom of a 12 year old just can't get enough of your cute little ass in this restaurant.

[F]

That's exactly what I'm saying.

[B]

Yes. You're living right, Cole. You're living a lot of men's fantasies. Keep going.

[A]

It's a great time to be alive.

[B]

It's a great time for you, sir. Classically handsome at a restaurant. A bunch of 40 year old ladies loving what you're cooking. Hey, so, hey, call. I don't know why you're calling in right now.

[A]

I don't see a problem on the horizon.

[B]

I think we could call you and say we have a problem. We weren't. Cole, in our. Because I promise you I wasn't. My issue was never. A lot of women are really into me. That was not the issue.

[D]

This is an automatic disconnect.

[B]

You got the wrong group. All right, Cole, so older women are loving what you're cooking. You're a waiter at this restaurant, is that right?

[F]

I am. I am a waiter at this restaurant, yes.

[B]

All right, keep cooking.

[F]

All right, so it seems like my attractiveness has become an invitation for these women to unsolicitedly touch me in not. Not in a. Not extremely inappropriate ways, but just, you know, touching me when I don't want to be touched. And so my question today is how do I kindly let customers know that I don't want them to touch me?

[B]

This is crazy, Cole, but a very good question.

[A]

Yeah, it's a good question. Would this qualify? Because it is a good question. I want to get into it. Out of curiosity, if we were to label this, would this qualify as a humble brag call?

[B]

No.

[A]

No, because it's a real problem.

[B]

I don't think Cole's bragging. No, I think if one of us was saying it, we'd be bragging. Sal was like, dude, at these stand up shows, I can't have women stop touching me. We'd be like, shut up.

[A]

That's if I was like, dude, the

[B]

worst part about taking selfies, these girls are like rubbing my back. They're like, you're an ugly guy, Jake. We can see you on the zoom. They only like it because you were on tv. You're not handsome.

[A]

You know, sometimes I see guys in life who are really handsome, like Cole, like cheekbones.

[B]

He.

[A]

He described himself as classically handsome. I see those guys and I think, what Must life be like, what problems must they have? And here we find out. Get in touch.

[B]

I think this is a real one for Cole. Walk me through what you mean by. Because I got to tell you, at 26, my greatest fantasy was a 45 year old lady just touching me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So walk me through what? Walk me through what a bad touch is.

[F]

Yeah. So just to get it out there. I am happily married. And so that's where this unsolicited touching becomes a problem.

[B]

Now, is that because your partner is jealous or is it because you live in a world of rules?

[F]

I live in a world of rules.

[A]

Maybe both, but yeah, Cole, is it

[B]

maybe both or is it. You are a man, you got principles, you got rules. You are taken, you are called for. You understand? You're a great looking guy. They are not allowed to touch you. There's one person who can touch you, and you married that person.

[D]

That's right. Cole is not on the menu tonight.

[B]

Cole is not on the menu. So I understand you want to eat this dish. Somebody else has ordered it. There's only one fish in denim right now.

[F]

Yes, absolutely. Ordered and ordered and eaten.

[B]

That's pretty cool. Cole, let me ask you a quick question before we get into it. How did you get. How did you get like this? Because this isn't a normal response from a 26 year old male.

[A]

Mm. It's true.

[E]

I.

[F]

That. That is a great question. I don't really know. I kind of just, you know, I have my loveliest lovely and she is the one for me. And I don't see any other women the same way that I see her. And so, yeah, the attention that I get, I'm.

[B]

Honestly, Cole, I'm about to grab your ass, dude. You're walking by me with a thing of potato skins and I'm touching that little butt. That was the cutest answer I've ever heard. It's col.

[A]

Specials again.

[B]

Can you repeat the specials?

[A]

Yeah, I wasn't paying attention because you

[B]

only got one love. I got one lovely right here. It's crawling up your shirt, going the itsy bitsy spider plays with your little ears, wants to try the pumpkin soup. Whoop goes the zipper. Where, where?

[A]

And also, Cole, where are they? What's the line? I mean, like, what is your boundary? If someone were to say, I'm sorry, dear, can you repeat that and just kind of give you a little forearm touch? Where does. When does it become, you know, a problem?

[F]

Absolutely. I think a, you know, the situation you give is, I think, to me, is acceptable. You Know, a quick arm tap or a shoulder tap, something like that.

[E]

That.

[F]

That's fine. But it's when the hand lingers and you can. It's. It's obvious the implications or intentions of the person, you know, touching the. Yeah, they're not just touching me to get my attention.

[B]

No, they're touching you to get your attention.

[A]

Right, exactly.

[B]

Is there, Cole.

[A]

How do I say this?

[B]

Is there a main bad guy?

[F]

What do you mean?

[B]

Is there a woman or a man there who does the most touching?

[A]

Is there a Mrs. Clearly Mrs. Mrs.

[B]

Okay, yeah. So. But it is a community of these women who are just. Is it women and men?

[F]

It is women and men, yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so it's a group of middle age trolls just grabbing at you.

[F]

Exactly. It's. It's weird. They're. They're. They're sitting under the bridge waiting for me to walk past.

[A]

Has your wife witnessed this, Cole? I mean, or is it something that you just feel uncomfortable with because of her very existence and because of your. Your morals?

[F]

I. My wife has not witnessed this. No, it is. It is due to my morals and my values that I like. I only want to be touched by her, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm really good for you, so.

[B]

This is wild, Cole. So when you're touched, they like the hand on the lower back where they're like. I'm so sorry, honey. Can I get a little bit more of the coffee? Do you mind? What do you do in those moments?

[F]

I usually position myself further away or like gently move their hands away in a non confrontational way.

[B]

All right, I got my first pitch.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

It's. It's a little bit weird, Cole, but it will be effective. I don't know if we're gonna end here, but it might get things started. Okay, I want you to overreact with a sound, almost as if you have a condition. So if somebody touches you, it's as if their hand is fire. So it's one of these. Justin, you be the woman. I'm walking by. I'm Cole. So. Okay. Hey, everybody. The specials are the linguine and the pasta, and then we've got all sorts of wines. I could go through the list if you guys want.

[A]

I would love to hear more about the wines.

[B]

Sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry. I'm just. They'll stop. Sorry. It just. I got startled when you tried to. What's wrong? I'm so sorry. I just got startled. Oh, look how he gets.

[A]

He's jittery, he's nervous.

[B]

This is going sideways and I Don't think that's how it would happen. I don't think they're full on predators.

[A]

I'm not. What I'm hearing. Are they. Are they pretty persistent?

[F]

Cole, there has been situations where these women have been very persistent.

[A]

He makes them insatiable.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. All right, Sal, what are you thinking here?

[D]

I have a question. So is this unique to each person? And then you never see them again?

[A]

So, like, regulars.

[B]

You're looking.

[D]

Oh, it's regulars. Oh, it is. Okay, so you're seeing these people. These repeat.

[B]

Sometimes they.

[D]

Will they repeat this. This isn't something like. You're not just looking for a way to handle this when it happens? I might have missed that part.

[B]

This is.

[D]

There are people here doing this to you? You regularly?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know that either.

[B]

I got one, Cole.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Fake an illness. Oh, and it's a mysterious illness that you don't know what it is, but it's something with your immune system while he's serving food.

[E]

Jake.

[B]

I didn't know you were back. Natalie.

[A]

Net attack.

[B]

You can't have a contagious European. Okay, look, when you're right, you're right. Okay? Natalie.

[D]

Very, very efficient and effective with her

[B]

words, but she's right. I don't. If. If there was a contagious server, I'm not going. Cool. Can you do it again?

[A]

Can you do it cutesy? Like, I'm. I'm set. I'm putting up a boundary. But, like, a warning shot. But, like, in a cutesy way. Like, be easy there. Like.

[B]

No, no, no. That feels like it's asking for trouble, Justin.

[A]

Yeah, because it's too.

[B]

Too.

[A]

It's too playful.

[B]

That's the kind of guy who doesn't. In public. Right?

[A]

That's the kind of guy who's never had this problem.

[B]

That's the kind of guy who wants to be touched, and he wants it so bad, nobody will touch him. No, no.

[F]

I. I did have an initial idea of maybe getting, like, a small button that says, like, either fragile, don't touch, or a look, don't touch. Something along those lines.

[B]

Oh, no. Like, you know, you could say, I would. Go ahead, Sal.

[D]

Well, I mean, that's picking up from a different handle, you know, because then you're walking around like you look. I mean, that doesn't look great. I mean, for me, I would. Who does this guy think he is? Because you don't also want to assume that's a billboard. That's a billboard. To anyone who reads it.

[B]

Agree.

[A]

It's a Bit of an invitation.

[D]

And that might be on me. I had a person one time that I knew that was hitting on me, that I thought. Knew that I was involved, and I got so caught up in my own head that I. I didn't want to correct them on the off chance to be like, I'm not hitting on.

[A]

Right, I know.

[B]

Of course you don't want to. So embarrassing. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like, I am called.

[A]

I wasn't.

[D]

Would you mind taking a photo? I literally will ask them, like, if they need me to take a photo of them.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

So it's like, you know, if you walk around with. Don't look, but don't touch that.

[A]

Do you wear your wedding ring, Cole, at work?

[F]

No. Particularly just because it's. I. I get weird about sensory things and potential germs and stuff like that, so I choose not to wear my ring at work.

[B]

How about. How about this? How about a button that says, I get weird about sensory things? I'm sorry, I'm sensitive to the touch.

[F]

Oh, I. I don't mind that.

[B]

That's pretty, because then you're putting you flat on a button, then they have

[A]

to get closer to read it.

[B]

Or how about a button that says, I have a nerve issue. Please be careful touching me? No.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Sal hates it.

[A]

Handle with care. Handle with care.

[B]

So, Cole, this is a little bit tricky because I want to pitch. I want to pitch a pin, and I want a sign. But I think Sal's reaction is right and Justin's reaction is right. It's a lot on a sign. It's a lot on a thing. And if you just write.

[F]

Maybe a little wordy, but if you

[B]

just write like, please don't touch me.

[A]

What about just staying a little further from the table? Just the proximity. What if you just stayed away? And, I mean, I know you got to bring the food over at some point, but couldn't you add another foot of buffer and just speak a little louder?

[B]

You could, but how about this, Cole? How about you pretend it's a decision through management, so if somebody touches you go like this. Hey, sir.

[A]

They don't like it.

[B]

I'm so sorry, but I just got

[A]

a little bit of.

[B]

There's a thing going on here where they can't have any of the employees have any physical contact with people. And they'll go, why? And they go. You go, I don't know. It came down from corporate. But it's. Something is going on. So. Yeah, I just need you to please not make any Contact with me. And then it's so good. Between where it's like, oh, no. And you go.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't. It's not between you and me.

[A]

You can even commiserate with them.

[B]

So if they put your hand on your arm, you literally go like, oh, my God. I'm so sorry, but that can't happen. We can't have any physical contact because I guess something happened with the. The financiers of this at another restaurant.

[A]

You don't even have to get into it.

[B]

I don't. Because you don't know. But you got a memo saying if a customer touches you, you have to stop it. And you are not allowed to touch a customer. Blame it on fake corporate. Okay, so you're not embarrassed. She or he's not embarrassed. It's just. I'm not scolding you. This just can't happen. And they go like, who's gonna tell? And you go like, my manager. Yeah. I just can't take the chance. Okay. What do you think of that, Cole?

[F]

I like that. To. To note on Mr. Long's about stepping farther away. It. The restaurant is just a slight bit too small to not be right up against the table.

[A]

Right. That makes sense.

[F]

It's.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

It's difficult to stand a little bit further away. I've thought of that. I wish I could.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

Like that corporate memo.

[B]

So let's try this. Yeah. Do you. Do you and Justin want to be. Whatever you guys want to be at the restaurant?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm not going to give you guys. Okay. Whoever you guys are, but the hottest K you've ever seen just got to the table.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You've had a couple of drinks, you're feeling loose. You guys are. I hate to say it, but middle aged.

[A]

I can do that. We're a couple of fours.

[B]

You guys are in the force.

[A]

3. This is 3 fours trying to solve a problem for a 10.

[B]

Neither of you guys have taken a dump since you were at your hotel early this morning.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A lot of pasta. You've had some food. Cole comes back with dessert.

[A]

Coal.

[B]

They're gonna say when they go to touch you, I'm gonna say touch because you can see the zoom. So, Cole, whenever you're ready.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, there he is. He's coming back. Oh. Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

We. Should we get a dessert?

[F]

All right, guys, here's your chocolate, sea salt and caramel cake.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I. We shouldn't have done this.

[D]

Delicious. Delicious. I feel like indulging tonight in more ways than one.

[A]

Oh, I knew he was gonna say that.

[B]

Touch.

[A]

I knew it.

[F]

Oh, sorry. I. I can't have any physical contact between me and a customer.

[C]

What?

[F]

It's above me. Don't. Don't get mad at me. Get mad at. Get mad at corporate.

[A]

Oh, sure. Yeah, right. He's teasing, Sal.

[D]

Yeah, it's just your wrist.

[B]

Oh, touch.

[F]

No, thank you. Please. I'm not kidding. The managers will get mad and I might get fired. Please don't touch me.

[B]

Oh, Cole, this is coming across weird. I need you to do it again.

[F]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah, that was weird. Here. Here's what I need. Here's what I need. Oh, right away. Explain the prem. Oh, I'm so sorry. We can't have any touching because of this role of corporate. I'm sorry something happened that you don't know about, but you got a really serious talking to.

[A]

In co defense, it is a slightly weird.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

Hey, I mean, Cole's gonna do this

[B]

in real life in a couple of days.

[A]

I think I would need a few. Yeah, I would need a few times.

[B]

But Cole, we need you to win here because if this goes sideways, it's not great for your job.

[F]

True.

[B]

Okay, so this isn't going to end with you getting fired. This is going to end with these people stopping touching you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So really serious, really clear. But you are in charge.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

All right, back to the table. You got that delicious chocolate thing? That made me happy.

[A]

You know, I wasn't even hungry for dessert. I just wanted to see him again.

[D]

I, I, I.

[F]

Here's your chocolate cake.

[B]

Oh, touching.

[D]

Never mind the chocolate cake. What are you working with, ass slap?

[B]

I'm slap in the face by Justin.

[A]

We stop that. No talent only. I can touch him.

[F]

Oh, no, actually, nobody can. It's from the managers above me that nobody can touch the servers or likewise, other vice versa. It's out of my control. I can't really do anything about it.

[A]

You might need a script. Jake, you might need to give him a script because I think it needs to be a succinct.

[D]

That first or second sentence has to

[A]

be very not unlike his ass.

[D]

Yeah, that's it. Ready? It's, it's. I don't mind, but we have a no touching policy because of something that happened I'm unaware of.

[B]

Yeah, and they're keeping. I don't mind is great, but we have a no touching policy because something happened that I'm unaware of. Okay, I like that. Let's try that.

[F]

Okay. Not that I mind, but we, We Have a no touching policy due to extenuating circumstances.

[B]

Chances great. I don't. You don't like that, Justin?

[A]

I don't like it, say, because then it invites curiosity. Something that happened that I'm not aware of. But it's the policy of the store. It's over.

[B]

And then let's do it one more time.

[A]

You got to close the door on any potential.

[B]

Like, you're very close. This is going to end it. You just got to the table. Now the guys are going to talk a little bit. All three of us are sitting there eating. You come to the table, three fours,

[A]

hungry for a 10.

[B]

We're all four, so together we're a 12. Yeah, okay, I'll take it.

[F]

Give yourself some credit. All three of you are extremely handsome men.

[B]

Yeah, you, too. Cole, you look great. You are classic.

[A]

Don't flirt with us.

[B]

He's not flirting. He's just being friendly.

[A]

Is he at the table now? Are we coming?

[B]

Yes. Come here, Cole. Hey, Cole, do those shoulders are yours. Did you ever play football or something? How'd they get so.

[A]

That's what I was gonna say. Can I guess your position, too? Because I was gonna say tight end.

[B]

Some people say I'm a pig. Spin a little pig skin, throw me around.

[A]

Sal's being shy, but he's the one that's been most vocal.

[B]

So. It's also Sal's birthday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, Cole, what are you doing? You're flirting with us, Cole. So, Cole. Cole, you were fully flirting with us.

[E]

But

[B]

what happened there, Cole? I don't know the.

[F]

I don't know the grim details, but, you know, there can't be any contact between the customers and the servers.

[E]

Well, you're out.

[B]

You're in trouble.

[D]

You can't see grim details. Now you're gonna. Now the restaurant is gonna take a hit in its.

[B]

You going to something.

[A]

Keep it vague. Keep it really vague. Something happened. Something happened I'm not aware of. But there's not

[B]

touching policy because of something that happened that I'm unaware of. Sorry. No, not that I don't mind. Not that I mind, but there is a no touching policy, guys. Because of something I'm unaware of. Moving on, then. What can I get you to eat?

[A]

What can I get you? Let's get to the what I'm here for. What you're here for. You're here to eat.

[B]

Not to tell the guys. Guys that give themselves credit because they're more handsome than fours.

[D]

No.

[B]

Judgment. Judgment. There is judgment. That's why you've called in. There's judgment.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Judgment.

[A]

Oh, here he comes.

[B]

This time you're sitting alone, Cole. You are.

[F]

Hey, here's your chocolate cake.

[A]

Right?

[D]

How's that hog of yours?

[F]

Oh, I'm.

[B]

I'm.

[F]

I'm sorry. There's. I can't be touched. Something that I'm not aware of happened, and a rule of no contact happened. I can't.

[A]

That's going to be awesome.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's. It's.

[B]

He walked. I don't mind.

[A]

It's. It's. I don't mind, but something happened that I'm not aware of. And there's now a rule that there's no touching allowed between customer and wait staff.

[B]

Crazy. Cole. Cole, you. We were taking us. This is Apocalypse now, man.

[A]

Like you said, it.

[B]

You gotta get us out of now

[A]

rehearsal.

[B]

Wait, so before we do it, Cole, just say the lines.

[F]

Okay, Here we go. I don't mind, but something happened I'm not aware of. And now there's a rule where no touching is allowed.

[B]

Okay, do you want to do the no touching second? So you want to go? Not that I remember. There's a no touching rule because of something that happened that I'm unaware of.

[A]

Not that I mind, but this best right away.

[B]

I'm sorry, we can't. You can't touch. Oh, not that I mind.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

But there's a no touching policy at this restaurant. Then you can imagine them go, huh? Something happened that I'm unaware of.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. Okay, it's a three parter first.

[B]

Before we do the scene, let's just hear the lines.

[F]

Okay, I don't mind, but there is a no touching policy.

[A]

Let's start with Cole.

[F]

I think.

[A]

I think Jake's right. We got to start with the rule. There's a no touching policy at this restaurant. I don't mind, but something happened I'm unaware of, and they've implemented this policy out of my hands, so to speak.

[B]

Okay, let's just try the lines to say the lines.

[F]

All right. Oh, there's a no touching policy at this restaurant. I don't mind, but something happened that I'm not aware of to set this policy.

[B]

Hey, Cole, just let that shit. Just let this. I hate to say this, I hate to say this, but. But just.

[A]

It's not a bit.

[B]

Not going to work.

[D]

What about leading with this? Ready?

[B]

Ready?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Ready?

[D]

Okay, ready. I know this is tacky, but I got to say it. Something happened I'm unaware of. And so they have a no touching

[B]

policy now that's it.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Say those lines.

[D]

They make me say it.

[A]

I'm.

[D]

I feel silly.

[B]

You don't have to say it word perfect. But you hear his point, the way he's doing that, that this is silly. Like, it's kind of stupid, but there's no touching policy now, so I just.

[A]

It's also coming on the heels of being touched.

[B]

So imagine feeling weird, but you're. You make. It's them being weird, not you. And you're casual and loose. You're a classically handsome guy. Let's just hear the words. Real casual.

[C]

Real.

[B]

Okay, let's see it.

[F]

I know this is kind of silly, but something happened that I'm not aware of. And there has been a no touching policy implemented. It's kind of silly, but I guess that's where we're at.

[B]

That's pretty good. So now, Cole, walk up to the table. Let's put it in real action. Sal's by himself at the restaurant, and let's just see what happens. But really loose like that, Cole, really human for lack of better direction. Just a normal guy.

[F]

Okay. Here you go, Sal. Here's your chocolate cake.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

Somebody works out.

[F]

Yeah. I touch. I know. Oh, sorry. I know this is kind of. Kind of weird and silly, but something happened that I'm not super aware of. And there's been a no touching policy implemented here. Kind of, you know, it is what it is, but that's where we're at.

[B]

Hey, dude, Cole.

[A]

Welcome to not being touched.

[B]

That's gonna work. You didn't. All of a sudden. You made it. It was so chill. The guy's not feeling weird. You're not gonna, like, get less tips. They're not gonna complain. It's just kind of like, this isn't a deal, but, you know, corporate man. And they're gonna go like, oh, weird. Do you know what happened? I really don't. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm keeping my hands off of that person.

[A]

These prude pencil pushers just put this thing into motion.

[B]

But, Cole, you'll get out of. You'll get out of the woods on that one.

[A]

That'll work.

[F]

Okay. All right. I like it.

[B]

Will you follow up with us natural, too?

[F]

Of course I'll follow up.

[B]

Will you follow up with us after the third time you've tried this move?

[F]

Yes, I will follow up after the third time that I've tried this move.

[A]

And, Cole, I would say just going forward, less is more. Just when you're like, yes. It's just the point of. There's this rule I think it's silly, but it is what it is. I like that you were kind of hitting that part of it.

[B]

Cole, this is gonna work.

[A]

Melt an ice cube on their cheeks.

[B]

Nope. You got to be charming, you got to be relaxed, and it's got nothing to do between you and Judy.

[E]

Okay?

[B]

You feel confident?

[F]

I feel confident. Thank you guys for the advice.

[A]

Thanks, Cole.

[B]

We believe in you, Cole. Yeah.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

And have fun. Have fun out there in the world.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Not too much fun.

[B]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[A]

We're here to Help is produced by

[B]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[C]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID art was artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on we're here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a hit gum podcast. That was a hit gum podcast.