Charlie Smith on Childhood Trauma, Addiction, & Launching Your Life

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "We're Out of Time"

Episode: Charlie Smith on Childhood Trauma, Addiction, & Launching Your Life

Host: Richard Taite
Guest: Charlie Smith
Date: October 14, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features a heartfelt, raw conversation between host Richard Taite and Charlie Smith, who shares his journey from a traumatic childhood, through addiction and recovery, to building a purposeful life. The discussion dives deep into the roots of addiction, the impact of childhood trauma, overcoming negative self-talk, responsibility as parents in the face of the fentanyl crisis, and the essential role of hope and personal purpose in lasting recovery.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of Hope and Origins of Trauma

• 00:00–02:57:
  • Charlie sets the tone: “The one thing that I got that I still have today is hope. Hope is a belief about the future can be better and that I can redefine the way that I live my life. Hope stands for Hold On, Possibilities Exist.” (Charlie Smith, 00:00)
  • Charlie shares his upbringing in a model Catholic family in small-town Maine, but reveals a violent, troubled home life: “I suffered my first closed fist punch in a bloody nose at the age of 6 years old at the hands of my violent dad… that violence would continue and escalate until I was 19 years old.” (Charlie Smith, 02:58)
  • The disconnect between outward family image and inward reality.

2. Coping Mechanisms and Descent into Addiction

• 02:57–05:52:
  • Charlie’s early coping strategies: working from the age of 8 and escaping via school and alcohol.
  • “I had my first drink at 12 years old. I like to forget, and so I chased all three of those things out here to California.” (Charlie Smith, 03:15)
  • Professional success masked inner pain—by his mid-30s Charlie was a full-blown alcoholic and opioid addict, living a double life.

3. Addiction's Wreckage & Facing the Truth

• 05:54–09:05:
  • Reflecting on his turmoil, Charlie describes passing surface-level life tests (career, money, family) but failing the fundamental “look in the mirror” test.
  • “I couldn't pass the love myself test… at the end of the day, when you can't look yourself in the mirror...it's an empty, empty feeling, bro.” (Charlie Smith, 08:12)

4. The Lifesaving Power of Connection and Support

• 09:05–12:57:
  • The pair discuss how they met—through group therapy in early sobriety—and the importance of unwavering friendship through recovery.
  • Richard: “I felt like if I didn't show up every single week, you were going to die. I was so scared you were going to kill yourself.” (Rich, 09:48)
  • Charlie relates the isolating loss he felt in early recovery: “It's a really lonely place without someone like you.” (Charlie Smith, 11:38)
  • The cycle of mutual support is revisited when Richard leans on Charlie after his own transition away from his treatment business.

5. Finding Purpose Beyond Success

• 12:57–15:16:
  • Moving from material success to purposeful living: “For the first time in my life, I was pursuing material wealth...Now, it's about purpose.” (Charlie Smith, 12:57)
  • “Abundance good, excess bad. Every property has to have a purpose.” (Charlie Smith, 13:36)
  • The emptiness of leaving a meaningful role: “You couldn't breathe...it didn't have anything to do with money. Had to do with really helping people save their loved ones’ lives and that's…no greater purpose.” (Charlie Smith, 14:32)

6. The Fentanyl Crisis & Urgency

• 15:16–17:08:
  • Both speakers stress that America is “out of time” in addressing fentanyl and addiction.
  • “There's no experimenting…now that's a death sentence.” (Charlie Smith, 16:26)
  • Urging parents to act decisively, not waiting for children to “grow out of it.”

7. Sobriety, Self-Esteem, and Thriving

• 17:08–19:42:
  • “Sobriety is not its own gift...if you can't replace what you held most valuable…you cannot stay sober. And why would you?” (Rich, 17:40)
  • The gap between physical sobriety and mental conditioning; the narrative from the past must be reprogrammed.

8. Rewriting the Narrative & Battling Negative Self-Talk

• 19:42–26:01:
  • Taking back authorship of one's story—“My life, my pen… Only if I took this back.” (Charlie Smith, 19:43)
  • Insights into expectancy theory and the “computer virus” of negative self-beliefs seeded in childhood.
  • The daily, ongoing battle with negative self-talk: “Confidence and self esteem are a daily battle, not a decisive victory.” (Charlie Smith, 24:31)
  • The vital need to actively foster a positive, constructive “inner champion.”

9. Launching into Purpose and “Acting as If”

• 26:01–31:54:
  • Practical advice for those in early recovery:
    • Live by principles, not preferences.
    • “The first thought you’re not responsible for, but you have to process it through a filter of principles.” (Charlie Smith, 27:01)
    • It’s not enough for others to want it for you; hope is the catalyst: “You make them see that it's possible…that I can redefine the way that I live my life.” (Charlie Smith, 28:28)
    • Acting your way into better thinking—through consistent, simple, celebrated actions.
    • “Act as if you’re the person you want to become…get the reps in of doing it, do it consistently, and then celebrate it.” (Charlie Smith, 30:05)

10. Universality of “Not Enough” & Managing Internal Critic

• 31:54–35:51:
  • Even high achievers struggle with being “not enough.”
  • Richard and Charlie candidly share their most persistent inner critics.
  • Control over thoughts vs. reactive thinking: “For the untrained mind, the thought’s in charge. For the trained mind, the thinker is in charge.” (Charlie Smith, 33:04)
  • Rather than focusing on what NOT to do, intentionally create and recite positive identity statements.
  • “If you don't have an identity statement, then you're just open to the interpretation and comparison of everybody who wants to put one on you. And fuck that, that is awesome.” (Charlie Smith, 34:10)

11. Embracing Adversity—The Buffalo Story

• 35:51–38:07:
  • Using the analogy of cows vs. buffalo in a storm: Cows run from adversity and suffer longer; buffalo face it and grow stronger.
  • “Adversity is coming in all of our lives. We can either be a cow and run from it and get decimated… or we can…face that storm and run through it.” (Charlie Smith, 38:00)

12. The Deadliness of Fentanyl & Parental Grief

• 38:07–40:09:
  • Charlie shares the devastating impact of fentanyl, citing a friend’s son who overdosed from drugs bought online.
  • “If I was still in that active addiction, needing my fix, we'd be dead. Dead. There's no chance I would be alive.” (Charlie Smith, 38:38)
  • The life-long, irretrievable pain of losing a child to overdose: “He'll never be the same.” (Charlie Smith, 39:49)

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Memorable Quotes

• On hope and recovery:
  • “Hope stands for Hold On, Possibilities Exist.” (Charlie Smith, 00:00 & 28:49)
• On living purposefully:
  • “Abundance good, excess bad. Every property has to have a purpose.” (Charlie Smith, 13:36)
• On negative self-talk:
  • “Confidence and self-esteem are a daily battle, not a decisive victory…you must give your inner champion a voice.” (Charlie Smith, 24:31)
• On facing adversity:
  • “Adversity is coming in all of our lives… we can…face that storm and run through it.” (Charlie Smith, 38:00)
• On the impact of fentanyl:
  • “If I was still in that active addiction… we'd be dead. Dead.” (Charlie Smith, 38:38)
• On loss and grief:
  • “He'll never be the same.” (Charlie Smith, 39:49)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00: Charlie defines hope and introduces core recovery theme
• 02:58: First details of childhood violence revealed
• 05:54: Discussion of addiction’s wreckage and double life
• 08:12: The inability to self-love despite outward success
• 09:16: The powerful, life-saving friendship story between Rich and Charlie
• 12:57: Shift from material pursuit to purposeful living
• 14:32: Why losing meaningful work can feel suffocating
• 16:26: The urgent, deadly reality of today’s fentanyl epidemic
• 17:39: Challenge to the “myth” that sobriety alone is fulfilling
• 19:43: Charlie holds up the pen—symbolizing taking control of your life story
• 24:31: The daily battle against the inner critic
• 27:01: Principle-based living and decision-making in recovery
• 28:49: "Hope stands for Hold On, Possibilities Exist"
• 30:05: The practical method to launching forward in recovery (keep it simple, be consistent, celebrate small wins)
• 31:52–32:13: Both men honestly reveal their most painful inner beliefs
• 34:10: The necessity of a positive identity statement
• 38:00: The buffalo versus cow story—approaching adversity head-on
• 38:38: The deadly modern risks of fentanyl in addiction
• 39:49: The irreplaceable grief of a parent losing a child to overdose

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Notable Moments / Themes

• Symbolism: The pen Charlie holds up becomes a central metaphor for reclaiming control over the narrative of one's life.
• Relatable Honesty: Both speakers openly discuss their own struggles with negative self-talk and identity.
• Empowerment: The message continually returns to personal agency, purpose, and responsibility (for oneself, and for one’s children).
• Parental Call to Action: Multiple moments emphasize that parents must act decisively to protect their children; waiting or hoping for the best is a risk too great.
• Practical Takeaways: Actionable advice given for creating small, consistent habits, developing positive self-talk, and seeking meaning—whether in early recovery or any major life transition.

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Guest Information

• Charlie Smith’s contact:
  • Instagram: @charliesmithspeaks
  • LinkedIn: Charlie Smith
  • Website: charliesmithspeaks.com

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This episode stands out for its deeply vulnerable storytelling and practical advice, making it essential listening for anyone impacted by trauma, addiction, or searching to launch a new chapter with hope and purpose.

Transcript

[Charlie Smith]

The one thing that I got that I still have today is hope. Hope is a belief about the future can be better and that I can redefine the way that I live my life. Hope stands for hold on, Possibilities exist.

[Podcast Host]

We want to extend a heartfelt thank you to our listeners because of your incredible support. We're out of Time has reached number one on Apple's mental health podcast chart, number two on the health and fitness chart, and number 26 overall. We couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for being part of this journey with us.

[Rich]

Charlie Smith, how you doing?

[Charlie Smith]

I'm great, man.

[Rich]

Good.

[Charlie Smith]

Never better when I'm with you.

[Rich]

Yeah, me too, man. Me too.

[Charlie Smith]

Oh, why are you wearing jersey and I'm wearing a jacket? Just curious.

[Rich]

Oh, because I love Nafisa Collier, that's why. And you clearly don't.

[Charlie Smith]

Noted.

[Rich]

Dude, I love the women's basketball game. I just love it. So what I decided to do was every time I can remember, right, I bought a bunch of jerseys with my favorite people in both NBA and wnba and I just love it. But I love the women. I just love the way they play, I think so. Cool. And college basketball for women is a thousand times better because they stay for four years.

[Charlie Smith]

Oh, yeah. Some five. Some five.

[Rich]

Yeah, that's right. And it's just you can't identify with anybody in college basketball. You just can't shout out Fairfair.

[Charlie Smith]

Women's basketball. Two time Mac champions. My team.

[Rich]

I spoke at Pepperdine's basketball team about maybe eight months ago. That was a great experience.

[Charlie Smith]

I bet.

[Rich]

But you're doing that all the time now. And mine was nowhere near as good as yours because I saw yours, okay. When you came to Carrera. Now, before we get involved in any of this, I want people to know who you are. I want you to do a drunk log. Okay. Just like we're sitting in an AA meeting because we didn't meet in an AA meeting. But we're going to get over how we met because that's a beautiful story.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, it is.

[Rich]

That's a beautiful story. So give it to me, man. What was it like and what happened and what is it like now?

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, it, it's a. Interesting trajectory. You know, I, I, we live here now. I live here now in California, but I'm not from here. I grew up in, you know, I grew up in a small town in Scarborough, Maine. My dad was a college professor and my mom was a first grade school teacher. Dude, we look like every middle class family in Scarborough, Maine. Get this 1970. We're on the COVID of Catholic Digest magazine as the model Catholic family. My family, the Catholic Digest. Catholic Digest.

[Rich]

That's a thing.

[Charlie Smith]

That's a thing.

[Rich]

Okay.

[Charlie Smith]

But, you know, that was the pro.

[Rich]

The Pope's on the COVID this month.

[Charlie Smith]

I haven't read it in 30 years, maybe more. Okay. You know, but that wasn't the reality of, like, a lot of, like a lot of homes. You know, what you portray on the outside isn't what I experienced. You know, I suffered my first closed fist punch in a bloody nose at the age of 6 years old at the hands of my violent dad.

[Rich]

That's right.

[Charlie Smith]

You know, guy put on this earth to protect me. And what's interesting is that violence would continue and escalate until I was 19 years old. You know, and I'm home from college at the age of 19, and he levels a.45 caliber pistol at my temple with a loaded gun. And I had a brother who was home from the Navy, and he kind of just reacted like any, you know, first responder when he knocked my dad off. And I left. And, and what's interesting about that is I left Scarborough, Maine that night at 19 years old with nothing but student loans and credit card debt. And I thought if I could go out in this world and succeed, that I would be able to forget what had happened to me as a kid. And so I did, you know, and I learned a bunch of coping skills when I was young. You know, I could be out of my house for two reasons. One was work, the other was school. So I learned a few coping skills. You know, one was to. To work because I could be away from my house. So I had a paper route in Scarborough, Romaine. Pretty fucking cold in the winter, just so you know. But I didn't care because I was out of my house. And I worked from the age of 8 years old until, you know, I'm know, today going to school was another escape for me. Not that I did well in school because I was so distracted. And I had my first drink at 12 years old. You know, I had 12 great years of sobriety. And then Eric Knott's parents went out of town. We were in elementary school, and had a vodka orange juice. And I was able to forget. And I like to forget, you know, and so I. I chased all three of those things out here to California. And so I came here to California and had and would achieve that success. You know, I. I was one of the most active retail developers in the state of California. Built 4 million square feet of shop centers, did about a billion dollars worth of real estate deals in my career. But that wasn't the reality of my life because by the age of 35, I was a full blown alcoholic and drug addict, you know, and that 12, that drink I had at 12 years old would manifest itself into a full blown opioid addiction and alcoholism. And I couldn't go a day without taking something to change the way I felt. And you know, they talk about alcoholics leading a double life. You know, I've been leading a double life since I was 6 years old. What do I mean by that? I'd go to school right as a young kid and I knew other kids weren't holding back tears. I knew they weren't covering up bruises. So I learned to lie about who I was, not about what I did, but about who I was. And so I just lost touch with myself. And so I would go on business trips and I would go a day early and stay a day late. And I was enthralled in the alcoholic and drug addicted life and working during the day and, and doing drugs and drinking at night.

[Rich]

So how long you been sober now?

[Charlie Smith]

February 14th was 17 years.

[Rich]

Any wreckage?

[Charlie Smith]

Tons of wreckage given it, yeah. So, you know, for me, this concept of, of, of, of living a integrous life, you know, was, was really difficult. So there's an adage that I had moral and philosophical convictions galore and could live up to them. You know, I had a heavy dose of cognitive dissonance. For you, if you don't know what cognitive dissonance is, it's rationalizing, justifying and minimizing bad behavior. So I was a father that coached his kids in sports. I was a husband whose wife didn't work, who provided a great lifestyle for her. I was an employer that employed 35 full time people that paid them well and gave them bonuses. I was also unfaithful to my wife. I also drove with my kids in my car, loaded and caused a lot of chaos in my house and, and was unreliable and unpredictable at work, you know, but I didn't see that stuff. And so the wreckage was, was caused in a wide swath.

[Rich]

You ever have any medical problems as a result?

[Charlie Smith]

No.

[Rich]

Ever been to jail?

[Charlie Smith]

No.

[Rich]

You got a high bottom?

[Charlie Smith]

I, I mean, you can say that, you know, rich and people talk about high bottoms, but you know, I'm not.

[Rich]

Saying it's high for you. I'm saying, I'm saying it's very real for you. I'm not minimizing your thing. It's just, you know, when you're in treatment and you see people come in on death's door, right. And it's just, it's. It feels different to me. And by different, I mean you're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky. It wasn't, you know. How long were you loaded for?

[Charlie Smith]

I started drinking at the age of 12. I started heavy drinking by the age of 25 and was a full blown alcoholic by the age of 35. And by the time I was 35, I was Dr. Shopping. I was mixing opioids and Adderall and alcohol and I was a frustrated chemist, man. I just wanted to change the way I felt all the time.

[Rich]

Were you. Do you have the DTS ever?

[Charlie Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Rich]

Okay, well, then you're not that lucky. I apologize. Sorry. I was wrong.

[Charlie Smith]

He was right.

[Rich]

I was wrong.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah. At the end of the day, when I got sober, I had caused a lot of wreckage in my life and in the lives of other people. And I could pass a lot of tests. This is, I think, the thing that I think, you know, when you look at people with quote unquote high bottoms that don't have a lot of the consequences but still have a reason to get sober, you have to. I had to look at what those reasons were. And the reasons were, you know, I could pass a lot of tests, bro. I could pass the bank account test, the family test, the toy test, the career test. You know what test I couldn't pass? You probably do the love myself test. I couldn't pass the look in the mirror test. You know, and at the end of the day, when you can't look yourself in the mirror because of who you say you are is completely out of alignment with what you're doing, and you despise yourself for the way you are behaving as an adult. It's an empty, empty feeling, bro.

[Rich]

So let's talk about the story of us meeting. And I want to hear it from you, and then I'm going to tell it because I want to see if it's the same.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, we met in a group therapy office. I was going to unpack what was, you know, untreated childhood trauma. There was a group of people there that I didn't know. And there was one guy, you there, who showed up every week, who, from the first moment I walked in with two days sober, cared about me in a way and demonstrated that care for me in a way I not experienced. And you showed up every week on my journey. And we've been friends for 17 years, bro.

[Rich]

I want you to know, and I love you to death. I want you to know you came for a valid reason. I came because my wife asked me to. Right. And so I just did it. Right. I did what she was told, but I didn't get anything out of that group. I did not like the people who were there. It was very remedial. I did what I could to be of service without looking like I was the know it all right. But I felt like if I didn't show up every single week, you were going to die. I was so scared you were going to kill yourself. I was scared to death. And so I never missed a week, ever.

[Charlie Smith]

I know.

[Rich]

And that was an hour and a half in bumper to bumper traffic, and I never missed it.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, it's. You know, they say it's when you're doing something unfamiliar, it's always worse first. You know, the way I like an early sobriety and what you were sensing for me and why you're so concerned for me is because I'd never operated in this world without substances to cope with my feelings. And I was lost. I was empty. The things that I said I care about the most had left me because of the behaviors that I engaged in. And it was a. It's a dark feeling. It's always worse first. You know, it's like I liken it to this. I imagined my life like, you know, a junkyard scrap metal yard where they have all those huge magnets that pull all the cars up. Like, when I'm an active addiction, I'm walking through that scrap metal yard like nothing can touch me. All the magnets got all the heavy above me. I'm cruising through nothing's wrong. One into the scrap yard or the other. You get sober. Somebody turns the magnets off. All that falls and it's. And it's great and it's got sharp edges and now you have to do. So I had to do something I'd never done before, which is deal with it all, confront it all in an honest way. And that was unfamiliar to me. Completely unfamiliar to me. So it's a. It's a really lonely place without someone like you.

[Rich]

You know, it's. You did the same for me. Okay. Seven years ago when I sold Cliffside and I realized I couldn't go to work on Monday morning. And all my friends were there and I couldn't help anybody for a living anymore. Just saying it. It's like too much. And I was wrecked and I made myself sick. And you are the only person I thought to call because of who you've become, what you've done with your life and where you started it, is so impressive to me. I don't have the words now. Tell people what you're doing today.

[Charlie Smith]

Well, today, you know, I've been through what I consider to be a shift in purpose. You know, I think for the first time in my life, you know, I was pursuing material wealth. That was kind of my moniker for success was if I could, you know, achieve a material kind of net worth.

[Rich]

Can I stop you for just one second? Do you remember what you told me when I had those 10 homes and they were all sitting empty? Do you remember what you said to me? What did you say?

[Charlie Smith]

Probably something like, these need to have a purpose. These need to have a reason.

[Rich]

That's exactly what you said, and I'll give it to you verbatim. You said, abundance good, excess bad. Every property has to have a purpose.

[Charlie Smith]

It's interesting because what's come of that idea is simply the things that we value we have to invest in, and things have to have a purpose. And I remember that conversation. And the thing that I saw in you when I came to Malibu that day was so clear to me, not yet clear to you. Wasn't not going to work on Monday. It was. Your entire life had revolved around people calling you on any given day, morning, noon or night to help their children and their loved ones get well and to save their lives. And it was. And you did it with such passion and vigor for every day when those phone calls stopped you, I just don't think you anticipated the loss that you would feel.

[Rich]

And that's breathe.

[Charlie Smith]

You couldn't breathe. And. But. But what that speaks to is how deeply ingrained that purpose in your life is that when you had the opportunity, you came right back to it again. And for anybody listening, you know, we all. You're 101. Everyone on this. Everyone that's listening to this pod, you're 101. There's only one of you. The chances of you being on this earth are one in 440 trillion. You won the lotto. One heartbeat. One. One set of fingerprints. There's only one of one. And you're one of one that was put on this earth to do something really important. And when that. And when you exited that for what was. For what was a monetary gain, the loss was insurmountable because then you realized it didn't have anything to do with money. Had to do with really helping people save their loved ones. Lives and that's. There's no greater purpose.

[Rich]

And then with the fentanyl issue now, I didn't have a choice. I had to come back because I have children and I didn't want to be punished. Yeah, well, I know that's insane.

[Charlie Smith]

It's not insane. It's. It's. It's a reality. You know, I think you said it to me once, the. What's the biggest lie that kills more alcoholics than any other lie?

[Rich]

You gotta do it for yourself. Yeah.

[Charlie Smith]

Do it for any reason whatsoever. Whatever, Whatever thin thread gets you in the door. And, you know, the, the long and short of that thread is that it can be. It can be woven into a, into a, you know, beautiful blanket.

[Rich]

Well, the problem is now is that you. We're out of time, right? So you can't. It doesn't matter why you get sober. You're exactly right. You just have to do it and you got to do it now. And if you're a parent and you're like thinking that, you know, he's going to grow out of it or, you know, he should go to AA if he's struggling or, you know, whatever. Stop it. They're your children. They're your children.

[Charlie Smith]

We're responsible for our children. We're responsible for our upbringing. We're the adult, they're the child. Yeah. You know, and, and, and an undeveloped mind. I mean, I think there's several things. We're out of time in so many ways. The fentanyl epidemic and the lack of experimentation, the loss of what was juvenile experimentation turning deadly. You want to try a line when you were younger. You want to grab a joint from wherever. You want to take something somebody has at a party. And you experimented. And now that's a death sentence and there is no experimenting. And so there's a real cost to what's happening today in the form of people really not having. There's no options.

[Rich]

Yeah.

[Charlie Smith]

I think, you know, we don't get sober to drift away into the ethers. We. At least for me, it's like you gotta have purpose in your life. You have to have meaning. You have to have a reason to get up every day and be active in life. And it's gotta be something bigger than yourself, you know, and there's self esteem in working. I'm gonna say that I was just.

[Rich]

Telling somebody the other day, and you just touched on it. I think that was a version of. Sobriety is not its own gift.

[Charlie Smith]

Well said.

[Rich]

I mean, it just isn't. Okay, what happens, you Know, we grew up in aa, right? So what happens is some well meaning person says something that he heard from another well meaning person who repeats it to the next guy and then repeats it to the guy after that, and nobody knows what the hell they're saying. It's groupthink. Right. And I've always said that if you can't replace what you held most valuable, which was your drugs and your alcohol, with something of greater or equal value, you cannot stay sober. And why would you? Okay, When I say things like that, people go insane.

[Charlie Smith]

You're going to go insane in a little bit.

[Rich]

When you read my book on transcendence, you're going to freak out. Okay, good for you.

[Charlie Smith]

Good. Do all the freaking out you want. Yeah. So you. You know, when I got sober, I found recovery from my drug and alcohol problem. Right. So. So that was one path of how to deal with alcoholism addiction. I got sober and I did the things that sober people do in order to stay sober. But what I found was there was a really big gap between my physical sobriety and my mental conditioning. Meaning my mind for 42 years had been conditioned with a narrative from my past. And I kept listening to that narrative from my past, and it really affected how I thought about myself.

[Rich]

And that's why you didn't like when I said, I'm going to choke before I threw that football right through that.

[Charlie Smith]

That's right. That's right. You know, because I think words are tools. Words are the wardrobe of our identity. And I really didn't realize how powerful my influence was over me. And at the end of the day, what I realized was that for 42 years, that there was this pen to the story of my life and that I had given it away. This small, simple device that you can buy for $1.29 at CVS.

[Rich]

Show me.

[Charlie Smith]

I had. Yeah, you know, this, this. This small little device, you know, which you can buy for $1.29 at CVS. But this one's unique because what it says on it is my life, my pen. And I realized that I was going to change my life only if I took this back. And that's really the mission that I went on, was to change the narrative of my story myself and become the intentional author of my life. And to get rid of the old story and not let it define me, but redefine it for me.

[Rich]

So what you're talking about is negative self talk.

[Charlie Smith]

I am. I'm talking about the whole. The whole gamut of mental conditioning.

[Rich]

Right.

[Charlie Smith]

Mental conditioning is how our Mind gets conditioned and self talk is a huge component of it, right? You have thought we have thoughts in our mind that create words, words create pictures, which pictures then create feelings in our body that can dictate our behavior. So if I'm never going to outperform my identity, if my identity is like a thermostat sitting on the wall, right? Thermometers take the temperature, thermostats set it. My identity is like a thermostat and my thermostat, my identity had been conditioned by my past instead of by me personally. And so, so I went on a, I went on a journey of self discovery, of learning the best ways for me to reprogram and relearn how to think about myself.

[Rich]

So the way I think about that is, you know, when I was a child, right. And not getting my needs met, right. And smacked and beaten and you're stupid. I'll give you something to cry about, right? All that stuff. You form something in your mind because you can't, your frontal cortex isn't developed, right? So you can't say my parents are idiots. You can't do that.

[Charlie Smith]

Doesn't exist.

[Rich]

Doesn't exist. So the only thing you can think of at that point with your development at that point is I'm bad. And you must be bad because if.

[Charlie Smith]

The people that brought you into the.

[Rich]

World don't love you or it feels like they don't love you, then you must be bad. And then it just gets reinforced by your parents and then, you know, trying to find your way in school as a teen and it's just all of it, right. But after that, if you don't fix, doesn't stop.

[Charlie Smith]

Do you know why?

[Rich]

Yeah. Because it wasn't fixed. And it stacked on top of each other and on top of each other and on top of each other and on top of each other. And the weight was too big to carry.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah. There's a concept in psychology called expectancy theory. And what you focus on expands. At the end of the day you, you become what you think about most of the time. So with this program, think of. I always think of my mind as having a computer virus installed when at a young age that just fed on itself.

[Rich]

That's exactly right.

[Charlie Smith]

And so how it feeds on itself is your mind has a dominant thought about who you are. And then it seeks through your unhealed trauma and your ill conceived ego to find reasons that that's true. Your ego wants to help you act like you. So if you think you're bad or I Thought I was bad and I thought I wasn't good enough. And I thought that I was not enough because the people put on this earth to protect me were violently abusing me and telling me I wasn't enough and that I'd never amount to anything. My mind sought out all of the evidence to prove that was right. All over the place.

[Rich]

That's right. But when do you want to change that? When do you want to let a 45 year old man stop being run by a 5 year old child?

[Charlie Smith]

When you take this pen back and this is, this is the, the kind of, the symbol of that transformation is when I decide to write like no one else now is going to write on the next page of the story of my life. I'm going to take this and I'm going to decide who I want to be, okay?

[Rich]

But when that's finally healed for me and not for you, for me, the problem is negative self talk all the time. And I've tried this over and over and over and over again. And I take two steps forward and two steps back. One step forward, two steps back. I mean, it's just like, you know, and, and I know why. It's because I haven't made it a must. Right? That's, that's the reason. If there's, if there's, if it's not, if it's not something I must do, I have to do, then it ain't getting done.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, you, this is a great point because I think people confuse this because it's never done right. Your inner critic is installed to keep you safe. Your inner critic, that negative self talk, that voice is designed to help you to survive, not to thrive. And so it's never going to lay down unless you put it down. So I'll say it this way. Confidence and self esteem are a daily battle, not a decisive victory. And this opponent needs a constant front against him in order for him to be silenced in every single moment. And at the end of the day, I always think of it like if I was a pro golfer and my inner critic was my caddy telling me I suck and I'm gonna hit every shot in the water and I don't deserve to be out here, I would fire that guy in a second. So why do I let this guy without a script of his own? And this is when you talk about a must. We must give our inner champion a voice. We must recognize we have an inner champion. We must know how to write confidence conditioning statements. And then we need to, like a computer program, attack that virus every single day. And negative self talk is the wardrobe of our identity. And I've showed you the clip of Bill Buckner saying, I don't want the ground ball to go through my legs to cost us the World Series. We're listening to ourselves all the time, and our ego is designed to help us act like us, and it doesn't care how it makes us feel. By the way, if the negative self talk makes you feel bad or. Or makes you feel insecure, makes you feel negative, it doesn't care. It's just used. It's just used to doing its job, which is to keep you safe and protected and not taking chances.

[Rich]

Okay, so now you follow me? Yeah, this is the best. This is the best part. Now we're getting to the good part. Okay. I want you to speak to people about. You've already told people that it's. That it's a struggle to get sober, and that's true. Okay. Not so much today if. Because the treatment is so much better and the detox is like a mild flu. Okay. So there's really no reason to be afraid. But after you get a handle on sobriety, meaning it's not calling you, you can actually make the decision to pick up or not pick up. When that happens, how do you. What would you say to somebody with maybe a year or two sober to get them thriving in their life?

[Charlie Smith]

There's an old adage, think, think, think. Right? The first thought you're not responsible for, but you have to process it through a filter of principles, right? And that's the one thing that I learned within a few years of getting sober. I learned to live out of principle, not preference. And so I had a new filter to put my thoughts through, which was not preference. What's going to be easy, but what's the right principle? Do I apply to this thought? What's the right principle or action that I need to take to generate this thought? So if you talk about. If you talk about decision making versus thriving, you have to have a filter. Whether it's somebody you respect, a mentor, a coach, a therapist, a counselor, a sponsor, whatever that is to run your thinking through. But. But then. But then you need to start to trust yourself to go out and thrive, to take productive chances in your life, to do that thing that you've been afraid to do so that you get them to launch.

[Rich]

Okay?

[Charlie Smith]

They're.

[Rich]

All they've done is get loaded, right? For maybe the better part of a decade or more.

[Charlie Smith]

I've been there.

[Rich]

I.

[Charlie Smith]

This is. I'm not the way that you. The way that you get someone to launch is you can't get someone to. Someone has to want to launch. I can't want something more than somebody else. Whether it's a career, whether it's a job, whether it's a music contract, whether it's a sporting career. I can't. If you want to launch, I can tell you how the choice to do that is your.

[Rich]

How do you move them gently to want to want to launch.

[Charlie Smith]

You make them see that it's possible. You show them that it's possible. And I think that's the one thing that I got rich, that I still have today is hope. And hope is a belief about the future can be better and that I can redefine the way that I live my life. And the way that you do that is by showing them what's possible.

[Rich]

Right.

[Charlie Smith]

Hope stands for hold on. Possibilities exist. And at the end of the day, if you go back to the Stockdale Paradox, right, James Stockdale, prisoner war, Vietnam, 8x6 cell, solitary confinement for four years, beaten and tortured for seven years. You know what he believe I will get out of here, number one. Number two, it's going to be hard and I don't know when it's going to happen. And I'll do whatever it takes while I'm here to make sure that I survive. You know who perished? The toxic positive people. The people that said we'll be out by Christmas. And then Christmas came and they didn't get out and they shook it out by Easter and it didn't happen and they died of give up. Itis. But when we, when we, when we get into early recovery, we have to have hope that if I change my behaviors, if I change the way I act. And, and, and William James did this. William James was the, was the corollary to Freud. Freud was a. Let's talk about your feelings. William James was. Let's talk about your behaviors. Because sometimes you can't, as you just described, you can't think your way into proper acting, but you can act your way into proper thinking. And don't get that confused with fake it till you make it, because it's not. No, it's completely different. It's completely different. It's completely different.

[Rich]

But I want you to touch on that because that is gently moving someone towards launching.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah. So the idea is to act as if you're the person you want to become. It starts with forming your identity. Let's use sports. Tom Brady. Tom Brady acted like a champion, had championship Behaviors long before he ever won his first Lombardi Trophy. Right. He decided that he had an identity of how hard he was going to work, process oriented identity. And then he acted as if the behaviors that someone would engage in in order to do that. And if you want the components of make the start simple, you have to make the start into doing something new very simple. You have to make it easy to do, you have to do it consistently and you have to celebrate it. That that's like me. People take on these huge things when they get. And this isn't about early sobriety, by the way. This is anybody looking to launch in life.

[Rich]

That's right.

[Charlie Smith]

You want to make this start very simple. Then you want to get the reps in of doing it, do it consistently, and then celebrate it. That's like me. What I want to get back to though, Rich, is this isn't just true of people in early recovery. Limiting beliefs. All of the limiting beliefs that we have of ourselves, which are those barriers to our healthy core beliefs that have been installed by all the negative experiences we've had in our lives. Because our brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive experience. Our brain is wired for negativity. That's true of everybody. We just got back from a national sales conference with a company I work for and we had over 600 professionals in one of the largest companies in the country. And one of my co workers asked each and every one of the people in his group to text him what their, what their inner critic says to them the most. And of the people in his room, which was probably 50 to 60 high level executives, the number one text he got back was I'm not enough. This is not unique.

[Rich]

What's yours?

[Charlie Smith]

I'm not enough.

[Rich]

Is that yours?

[Charlie Smith]

For sure. What's yours?

[Rich]

Mine is because I'm such a baby. Okay. And I'm such a. I'm such a love addict, right. That I just, you know, like there's no one ever gonna be for me. Right? It's like I'm never gonna. That's mine.

[Charlie Smith]

But. But again, it's a never. I'm never gonna. There's something I'm. I'm never going to find her. I'm never gonna find it. I'm not enough.

[Rich]

Oh. Oh. All comedians need apply. Okay. If you're a girl and you're funny, I'm in.

[Charlie Smith]

Gone.

[Rich]

I'm not kidding.

[Charlie Smith]

Got that.

[Rich]

And I'm really good on paper. I'm excellent.

[Charlie Smith]

So what happens is it's only when.

[Rich]

You have to, you know, like cohabitate with it, that it becomes an issue.

[Charlie Smith]

Spend any time with it.

[Rich]

Yeah.

[Charlie Smith]

See, the critical talk, the critical talk is surrender.

[Rich]

Rounding that entire issue.

[Charlie Smith]

It's up to, you know, you can think, you have dogs. You see people in this neighborhood when you drive out here walking their dogs.

[Rich]

Yes.

[Charlie Smith]

And some dogs walking them.

[Rich]

Yeah.

[Charlie Smith]

Right. Who's in charge, the thinker or the thought? For the untrained mind, the thoughts in charge. For the trained mind, the thinker is in charge. And we have a responsibility because thoughts are random, but thinking is not. And have you designed as a human.

[Rich]

Being that's acting on something rather than reacting.

[Charlie Smith]

Exactly. Have you designed a thought life that serves your purpose and goals in life?

[Rich]

And that's something that, that I'm going to start working on today. Every time I see you, which is not nearly enough, we see each other every quarter. Three times a year.

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah, four times a year.

[Rich]

Okay.

[Charlie Smith]

Not nearly enough.

[Rich]

Every time I see you, what I want to do is I make a commitment to myself, right?

[Charlie Smith]

To not have the critical voice, but do it differently. Make a commitment to have a healthy voice. Don't make a commitment not to do something. Make a commitment to do something. Just like you work out. Just like you do lots of things consistently. Don't make a decision about what not to do. Make a decision about what to do. You don't need. I know, but I do so many stupid. No.

[Rich]

That I always want to just say, don't do it.

[Charlie Smith]

Right. But your brain, like, don't think of a pink elephant. Your brain doesn't hear the word don't. It doesn't register. Don't. What it hears is be critical. Don't. Like when you're skiing. When you're skiing, you don't say, don't run into the trees. You stay ski down the path, right? So you don't want to say, don't throw, don't hit the ball out of bounds. You want to say, swing at your best pitch. So you, you want to vote for what you want to happen, happening. So instead of saying, don't be negative, say, time for me to give my inner champion a voice, write it a script. I'm a sober, proud, confident, passionate entrepreneur. I'm a world class mental performance coach and a highly sought after keynote speaker. I'm a committed father and friend. I prioritize my health, exercise and eat right. That's my identity. I know it like my birthday because I recite it to myself every day to remind myself of who I am. And if you don't have an identity statement, then you're just open to the interpretation and comparison of everybody who wants to put one on you. And fuck that, that is awesome. When you're stretching, including early sobriety, including long term sobriety, going into a new career, new phase. Excuse me, new phase of life, new relationship, that inner critic is indicted and he starts to tell you the things that he whispers to you that this isn't for you. Your limiting beliefs always creep up in periods of growth. That's why I think it's Winston Churchill said, when you go through hell, keep going. You know, the idea is that obstacles make us stronger. You want to lean into growth and not into fear. And leaning into growth is just simply charging into the storms and saying, look, this is for me, I'm going through this. What happens in the gym when you break, when you lift weights? What happens to your muscles in the gym when you're lifting?

[Rich]

Micro tears?

[Charlie Smith]

Micro tears? It's called stress and adaptation. They break down. What happens when you get done at the gym? You drink your protein shake and you go through your recovery mode. What happens to your muscles? They repair and get bigger. Why? Because your body knows you're going to stress them again and they want you to be stronger. It's the same thing with adversity in our life, right? Turn adversity into your advantage, turn fear into fuel, and failure is feedback. Look through the windshield of your car, not the rear view mirror, and start getting hopeful about the future that you have. And then act as if you're the kind of person that can make that happen.

[Rich]

What I'm hearing is when you're scared of something, right, you run through it.

[Charlie Smith]

It's exactly what I'm saying. So you know the story of the cows in the buffalo? Do you know the story about the.

[Rich]

Crocodile and the scorpion?

[Charlie Smith]

Yes, I'm just a scorpion.

[Rich]

All right, tell me yours.

[Charlie Smith]

So in Montana. I was in Montana for vacation last year, right? There's two animals that share the plains in Montana. The cows and the buffalo. When the huge storms come over the plains in Montana, and I played golf with the manager of the local Costco, he said the storms were so bad that the hail totaled three of his employees. Cars totaled their cars, the hail so bad.

[Rich]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Charlie Smith]

When this. When the cows sense those storms coming over the plains, they get petrified and they turn away from the storms and they run out of fear. And so the storms are on the cows for an extended period of time and they get decimated as a result of Running away from the storms. The buffalo, on the other hand, same storm turn, shoulder up together, face and charge directly into the storms. They get stronger, survive in great numbers as a result of taking on that adversity and getting through it faster instead of letting it stay on them. So adversity is coming in all of our lives. We can either be a cow and run from it and get decimated and have the effects of it last longer, or we can rip the band aid off, face it and say, look at the end of the day, like those micro tears in our muscle, that stress and adaptation. When I get through this, I'll have learned something. I'll be stronger as a result of it. So I'm not going to run from it. I'm going to face that storm and I'm going to run through it. And that's the message for all of us. And that's why to me, adversity. Bring it on. Bring it on.

[Rich]

All right. I want to do one more thing before we go. Okay. You know, I always ask this question because it's my biggest fear. Do you know anybody who's died of fentanyl?

[Charlie Smith]

I have a friend of mine whose son died of fentanyl overdose from buying drugs online that were laced with fentanyl.

[Rich]

Online is the same as on the street?

[Charlie Smith]

The exact same. Yeah, it's. You know, I'll tell you, when I was using, I was doctor shopping. First pharmacies didn't have the cross referencing. It's like I'm petrified. If I was still in that active addiction, needing my fix, we'd be dead. Dead.

[Rich]

We'd be dead.

[Charlie Smith]

There is no discussion. There's no chance I would be alive. The amount of street drugs that I bought in the back alleys of industrial parks and the amount of flexibility I had when doctors were giving me hundred scripts with three refills that you can't get today. And that's how I was able to. That was able. How State of.

[Rich]

You used to be able to doctor shop and get away with it for.

[Charlie Smith]

Years and make friends with the pharmacist. And now that the, this, the parameters are so strict, I would, I would be, I'd. I'd be dead for sure. I'd be for sure for sure. So we're, we're definitely out of time, you know, we're out of time for our youth, we're out of time for America, you know, today.

[Rich]

Can I ask you one question that's been bothering me?

[Charlie Smith]

Yeah.

[Rich]

How's that kid's father with the son that died of fentanyl.

[Charlie Smith]

He'll never be the same.

[Rich]

When was the last time you saw him?

[Charlie Smith]

Friday.

[Rich]

How long ago did it happen?

[Charlie Smith]

Three years ago.

[Rich]

Wrecked.

[Charlie Smith]

They'll never be the same. Never.

[Rich]

My biggest fear.

[Charlie Smith]

Never be the same.

[Rich]

My biggest fear.

[Charlie Smith]

Understandably. All right, it's real.

[Rich]

How can people find you?

[Charlie Smith]

So my primary network is on social media. I'm on Instagram at Charlie Smith speaks. I'm on LinkedIn under Charlie Smith. I have a Facebook account. I'm starting a YouTube channel and relaunching a podcast. But those are both in the works right now. And my website is charliesmithspeaks.com that's fantastic. I'll see you next Tuesday.

[Podcast Host]

We're out of time. Please subscribe on YouTube. Click the thumbs up and leave a comment. Please subscribe on Apple Podcast and Spotify and leave a rating and a review and share the we're out of time podcast with others you know who will get value out of it. See you next Tuesday.