B (2:46)

So really. So all the title stuff that nobody cares about of being a board certified neurosomatic integrated practitioner is really a fancy way of saying that I work with high capacity, high achieving, ambitious women who have a good life. Right. They're not in crisis. They've done the therapy, they've done the retreats, they've read the books, they have friends, they have career. Except in this one spot, they don't have the thing they want most, which is extraordinary love that meets them and matches them. And I see it over and over and over again.

A (3:15)

Do you find that it's. They don't love themselves so they're not able to receive and give love to other people Sometimes.

B (3:21)

I mean, it's a lot, it's a lot of subconscious, unconscious old stuff, old identity, old story from, you know, that they may or may not even be aware of. Sometimes though, what I find with high cheating people in general, right, is we're so used to doing and fixing and we problem solve and we create and we build and we do all the things and it doesn't work like that in relationships. So there's a little bit of a disconnect of expectation and outcome. And also sometimes there's this sense of like everybody looks at you and says, oh, your life is so amazing. You should be so grateful. Yes, and I am. And, and there's this pattern that shows up. Keep finding themselves in the same relationships or marrying the same person over and over again or whatever it is, and always feeling like they almost get there, but they never really do. Whether it's that then this, you know, the person, it wants, you know, is intimidated by them, wants them to dim their light so they're too much or they're, you know, they end up taking care of that person in a way that's not equal. So it's just a lot of different things that come up. But I think really around high achieving people in general, we see that the, the biggest Lack of consistency and continuity in their life. Is relationships always.

A (4:37)

Yeah, yeah. And when you're high achieving, it's a lot of masculine energy.

B (4:42)

Yeah.

A (4:42)

You know, and we're goal oriented beings. Right. We set a goal with accomplish something. Masculine energy is fix, fix, fix. Not listen as much. Just listen. And you know, I learned all this being married almost 23 years now to be the best version of myself and best husband I can possibly be. You know, it cured a lot of things in our relationship when I stopped trying to fix everything, you know.

B (5:09)

Well, I think it's really important too. I hold these brunches in the Bay Area called the Brilliance Brunch. Every six or eight weeks. I talk about this a lot. You can be a badass, super successful woman and still want somebody to play with your hair laying on the couch. You can be successful and still be soft. You know, we're multifaceted, multi hyphenated people. Like one does not mean you can't be the other. In fact, the best of you is both. Right. Go run the world energy and also be able to come home and, you know, throw your jammies on them and just be taken care of.

A (5:46)

Yeah. You know, I think it's. It's being able to be both when you need to be both or when you want to be both and being able to switch back and forth. Right. Not being all at the same time. Is that right? Yeah, yeah.

B (5:58)

Who we are. Like so often there's identity, like super attached to our career or our job or our business or being a mama or a white whatever it is that sometimes then that becomes the thing and people forget that they can be more than one thing.

A (6:16)

Yeah. Let's talk about identity for a second because a lot of people in the. You know, I've interviewed over a thousand people and been around some of the most high achieving people in the world. And what I found was the darkest time in their life is when they attach their identity to what they do versus using what they do as their vehicle, being very clear on their identity. And then when they need to get in and out of a vehicle, they just get out, get into another one. Right. Versus riding that thing. And then when it ends, whether it's an exit, whether it's coming out of the military or professional athlete or whatever the case is, the business goes awry, their identity doesn't go with it. So do you work with that as well?

B (6:53)

Absolutely, yeah. Identity is interesting because, you know, 90% of who we are, we picked up between 0 and 7. And so the work that I do. We really tap a lot into that other 90% which is the unconscious mind. Right. So if the conscious mind is our goal setter, we use it all day long. The unconscious mind is the goal getter. It's the operating system, it's the general. And it's also the literal library of everything you've ever experienced in your entire life, which is held at a cellular level. Right. Cellular memory. So we think about memory being in the brain and of course it lives in the circuitry, but we know science that it is cellular. So all of the experiences that you've had that are held in your body, if they're not released properly, and when I say properly, I mean we don't go back into the story that caused the pain and the trauma in the first place because that just reinstalls the neurology. But we get to release it in a way that we don't go back into any conscious painful memory. What happens is that people have all of this stuff playing in their subconscious unconscious that they're not even aware of that's running the show. And we would not give a five year old the ability to make life decisions for us as, you know, midlife people. Right. But what people don't realize is so much of the stuff that is running the show, how they process, how they think, how they see themselves in the world, how they communicate is old identity, old decisions, old stories. And those beliefs all have stuff attached to it. And when that gets anchored in, that becomes the blueprint of your life. So when there's so much attachment to the thing, like you said perfectly, like to the vehicle instead of it being a vehicle, that's the thing. A lot of that comes from old stuff. Like, you know, you were six and you brought home a thing and your family said, oh, that's great, but you could do better. Oh, I have to earn love. I have to be the best to be able to receive love. So a lot of that stuff is going on in the background, but this isn't therapy and we're not going to go talk about it because we don't need to, but we can clear it really fast, which then gives you the ability to actually step into and receive what's next for you. Because between now and dead you have a choice.

A (9:05)

Yeah, yeah. Decision is huge in this. How does someone, how does someone tap into their subconscious to visit those beliefs.

B (9:13)

That are set in there so really first before we clear anything. So when I talk about clearing so that we can create, so that we can claim. But before you can actually get to that place. You have to get crystal clear. You have to have a clarity that you've never had. And most people that you ask, especially high achieving capacity people, they're like, oh, I'm totally clear about what I want in my life. But when you really get into the parts that matter, they're not. And so it's like going to a restaurant and sitting down and the server comes and says, what can I bring you? And you said, oh, well, we're thirsty. Bring us a beverage. We'll start with a salad and bring us a protein and a lovely vegetable. Great. They come back, they bring us a nice tea and a Caesar salad and some roasted chicken and some glazed carrots. And we got exactly what we ordered. What we wanted was a sparkling water arugula salad with figs and goat cheese, a beautiful rib eye and some roasted asparagus. Right. Big difference.

A (10:15)

Most people go through life so more general versus specific.

B (10:20)

Yeah. And when you don't get deep underneath that of really looking at what drives you. So we do values, elicitation and non negotiables and desires around anything, Whether it's relationships, life in general, your business, you get crystal clear. So you can make a clean yes or a clean no decision really, really fast. Now to answer your actual question of how do people tap into that? You know, sometimes it's your. Sometimes it's about understanding and getting a different kind of awareness. Right. Awareness and clarity is like the foundation for everything, but in a way in which you start to rewire your brain because all of the, everything that's going on in there, most of which you don't even recognize, it's just like jumping in the car and putting an address in your gps. And you put the address in and it takes you there. Most of us feel like we're pretty positive. We have our mindset down, like we're good and consciously we're hanging out in those positive grateful energy frequency. But unconsciously you're hanging out in fear, doubt, shame, anger, worry, whatever it is. And that frequency keeps you stuck. So being able to understand that every day we think 65 to 85,000 thoughts. 90% of those thoughts are recycled. They're the same thoughts that you thought yesterday and the day before and last month. And 75% of those thoughts are negative. And that's the thing for people that I get the most pushback when we first start to have these conversations is because they're certain all the work they've done on themselves, like they're clear about that. They are positive thinkers. But the brain is wired to think about what you don't want. And that's what the focus becomes. And that's why people continually see the same stuff show up over and over again, same relationships, same dynamics in corporate, in friendships, in health, in money, whatever the story is. So when we can actually flip that and rewire that neurology, everything changes. And as far as tapping in some of that, you can, you, you can absolutely become more aware of. But also, you know, a lot of that we clear in a, in a multi dimensional technique that uses the different things to be able to release that in a way that you don't have to actually re. Experience it. Because it's like if you think about every negative emotion, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, it's like each one of them have a ribbon. And every single time in our life that we have an experience with one of those negative emotions, a marble goes on the ribbon. So anger, sadness, truth, they all have their own ribbons. So when something happens today that makes you angry or you feel shame or guilt or sadness about, it's not the thing today. It's the 30, 40, 50, 60 years of marvels behind it. It's the gestalt. It's the sum of the parts. That's what we get to release, which. It's like cleaning out your closet, right? You, there's a whole bunch of stuff in there and you're like, you open it and you're like, I don't know, there's nothing to wear, but it's full of junk or your pantry is full of expired stuff. It's like if you don't get rid of that, there's not room for what's actually meant for you, for your what's next.

A (13:34)

So yeah, so it's not the memory. We're not getting rid of memories of things. We're getting rid of the emotional charge that's attached to those memories.

B (13:44)

Yeah.

A (13:44)

And then when that. I've been through these processes before, when this emotional charge disperses or. Yeah, disperses, I guess you get in a euphoric feeling and it actually, you feel like, you know, you're walking on cloud nine. Clarity comes like all of a sudden you're like, wow, I didn't even realize that was like. Because when energy's condensed, it's really heavy and dark and so you're, you're breaking up this energy and releasing it so that it can expand. And that's where that euphoric feeling comes from. Do you notice that with your clients when you're working with them. Like all of a sudden they have this. And you know what it also comes with is like a aha moment. Like, oh, wait a minute, like a cognition. You notice that.

B (14:23)

See, I can see differences from when we start that particular experience till when we're done, when like, like a physical difference in their energy. But the integration period after is I, you know, because of course I have them. We check in every day for three days just to check in. And so they're like, oh my God, I feel so much lighter. I didn't realize how heavy I felt and how entangled and just like. And then downloads start coming, creativity starts flowing. Things that they never would have even considered as possible become possible. It's, it's so fascinating.

A (15:05)

Yeah. And, and yeah, I love, I love this. So, so when obviously you did a lot of studying and research and what have you, but what was the, what was the one model or modality that really clicked with you or for you, that you carried forward with your clients?

B (15:21)

So, I mean, I think if we back up a little bit and look at how I got to that point, it might, that context might give a little bit, make a little bit more sense. So the, you know, married too young, got divorced. It was going to be easy. It wasn't. Ended up then doing all the things you're told to do after that experience. Right. You talk about it in therapy, you talk about with your girlfriends, you read the books, you do all the things, all of that's beneficial. But at a certain point when you stay in the story, you just stay in the story. You're never going to get, you're never going to move forward. You're never. That becomes your identity. You're so attached to this thing and how this person or this circumstances. Fast forward two or three years later, my father, who had been very in and out, not consistent, not dependable, came to Minnesota, where we lived. And that time Maddie and I were living in this little farm cottage. We had horses and chickens on the St. Croix River. And he said, listen, I think it's the perfect time for you guys to move to California and take over this business. And now, granted, I didn't trust him. The evidence in my whole life was not to trust him. And I said to him, I'm like, I'm not, you know, moving my little girl on a whim and I'm only going to disrupt her life once. And I'm not leaving the horses. And my mom, and they'd been divorced since I was 2, had just had a surgery and they nicked a nerve. And she did nails for a living, and she couldn't lift her arm. So, anyway, his response was, great. Bring your mom. Bring the horses, Build a barn. Maddie's going to get to grow up in this magical little town at the base of Mount Tam, next to the ocean. So it wasn't even like little red flags. It was like every billboard in Times Square was screaming at me. And I just ignored it because it felt like a relief, right? It was 40 below zero. So many days that winter, this thing snapped off. I had to water the horses through a hose from the laundry washing machine. It was a nightmare. So I said, okay. So I moved. My mom, my daughter, two horses, and three cats across the country. Didn't know a single person here at first. When we got here, it was a very fail. Weekends with the horses, family dinners, my parents, friends, hanging out. Maddie, like, it was so fabulous. And I had this pit in my stomach. But I really thought it was more about my worry about wanting my little girl, who was nine, to be able to get settled in and grounded. Because I moved around a lot as a child, and it's hard. You don't ever feel relaxed, right? And a few months in, I'll never Forget, it was December 1, because her birthday is November 30. I was in the studio. This guy had come to pick up some mailers for me who had worked there in the past. And I heard this noise. And I look around the corner, and there's like seven or eight men with guns pointed at me walking through the door. And they put me in handcuffs and sat me down on a chair. And in that moment, I had no idea what was going on, But I knew my daughter was going to be home with my mom in, like, 10 minutes. And this was on the same property. And I'm like, I need to tell them to go get ice cream rib. And they're like, no, you're not calling anybody. Long, very long story short, we don't have time for all of it. But I found myself in the middle of this massive DEA investigation. And this stuff had been going on that they had been watching for a long time. And it went. This went on for a couple of years until it was finally resolved. But. And they. You know, they did. They knew it wasn't me, but they also threatened me. Like, you know, you. You've been to the bank. You've done, like, we could take Maddie. Which, of course, is the worst thing you could ever say to a mama, right? So now I'm in California this. This magical family relationship is clearly over. I now don't have a business because they froze all the assets, so I don't have an income. And I have to make a choice. Do I take us and go back to Minnesota, back into our friends and family, which we could have done in a second, or do I keep my promise to my daughter that I was only going to jack her life up once, and at the end of the day, that was the most important thing to me. So we stayed a few hundred thousand dollars in debt. Later, figuring stuff out, got into a relationship that was very abusive. And when I. Not physically, but on all the other ways, and when I finally got out of it, I was like, I'm done. I would rather just be alone forever. Like, I will never put myself in this situation again. Right. My first marriage, this relationship where I always felt. I never felt chosen. I never felt cherished. It was always this weird, like, putting. Putting me down and not enough in some ways and too much in the other way. And at that moment, I thought, you know, back in therapy, and I'm like, there has to be another way. There has to be another way, because all I'm doing is talking about it, which keeps me stuck. I'm just reinstalling that. My body is experiencing it over and over. And I was just bouncing between sadness and anger, sadness and anger. I couldn't be present. There was no planning and building. And somebody introduced me to this, some timeline work. And in a matter of weeks, there was parts of me that I didn't recognize in all the best way. And I was like, this is insane. Which then took me down the years of studying and then creating my framework and my methodology. But that's where it all began, of an introduction to something that says it doesn't have to be hard, it doesn't have to take forever. And this is actually something that can change forever. And I don't have to run that story anymore. I don't have to. I don't tell the story. Like, I can say all this stuff to you without tears or whatever, because I'm not in it. I'm. I can stand on it. It's part of what made me who I am. I'm grateful for all of it. But when you're in the story and you get dramatic and you tell the same thing, and you're never get. You're never moving forward. You will. That's your identity. That's where you're stuck. So we got it.

A (21:13)

Yeah. Yeah. Well, well. So what happened? What was that all about something your dad was in.

B (21:20)

Yeah, they were. It was a. It was a beautiful, small artesian candle company. And one of the things that was the most beautiful was these gorgeous, huge towers. And I was so excited because I thought it was famous because I got into SkyMall magazine, remember Delta Airlines, before everything was online, and. But there were. They were. They never. The thing is, they never actually prosecuted them on that. But they were shipping drugs inside of candles.

A (21:52)

Wow.

B (21:52)

Via FedEx.

A (21:54)

Geez. Geez. Wow, man. Yeah. Like, everything's good. And then all of a sudden, it's like it was all like a sham. It was all just wow.

B (22:05)

In. In literally in an instant.

A (22:11)

So when you started doing the time speak of the timeline work, like kind of. What was that? You were just going back and revisiting different experiences you had and the emotions that you had tied.

B (22:20)

No, that's what made it so great. I wasn't actually. So this particular timeline, it's tapping into that unconscious mind and getting to root cause of whatever that particular emotion is or that limiting belief or that story and being able to actually drop in without. But we're not. It's not a. Hey, let's go back to the thing that happened when you were five that made you feel like you weren't good enough. It's. You don't have conscious memory of the root cause, but going back to that dropping in, being able to get the learnings so brings you back to the truth of who you are. And that piece is really interesting because maybe it's like, what did your unconscious need to learn about this root cause of anger so that we can release it and move on? And it might be whatever comes up. It's kind of like it just comes up. It's like, I learned I'm strong, or I learned that I'm. I'm love. It has nothing to do with something about anger. Right? But then once we release that and being able to re. Anchor in that truth brings you back to who you are, we dissipate all of that old energy and then we actually future pace and start creating new neurology, new behavior with that emotion going forward in between each one. And that's where the magic happens. Because we'll do this process. Anger will stop. And I'll say, okay, now I want. Let's do a check. I want you to go back to a time in the past specifically where this emotion was a problem. And I want you to tell me if there's a charge and people are like, no way. You would have asked me this Two hours ago, I would have been crying or I would have, my heart would have been racing. You're like, so then we start building new neurology around. And it's not that you're not going to feel these feelings, we're not giving you a lobotomy, of course you're going to feel them. But that charge is gone. And being able to create new neurology around, so go out into a time in the future, unspecified time, where if it had happened in the past, it would have been inappropriate or, you know, type of anger, amounts of anger, tell me what happens instead. And they get to experience that which starts giving that brain the neural pathways, the gps, new directions. And then literally after that, after we release all of that, that's kind of like the pantry is now clean. And now all that stuff that you've been holding, that's been keeping all that space is gone. And when we go through that process of getting super clear and then understanding who you are now actually and replacing that neurology, because if you leave it, you don't. If you're going to blow out skills and behavior and ways of thinking and being, etc. If you don't replace it, the unconscious mind can't fill in the blank. It's why people will say to me, I've been in therapy for years, I have done all the work and I felt so good. And then this thing happened and it was like, bam. I went right back, right? Because we didn't record.

A (25:14)

Why doesn't, why doesn't therapy adjust and evolve?

B (25:18)

Therapy is really important for people to be able to like, talk through, process through, get some perspective. And I always say, like, if you haven't done any of that work, I'm not your girl, go do that, come back to me later. Because we're not doing that. But you need to, you need to process and you need to go back. But it's really great for a short amount of time. I don't think it was ever meant to be something that you do for years, but that's what it's evolved into. And again, it's super important part of the process. But if you stay in therapy, you go, you talk about it, what's going on? Well, I had this thing and this happened and this happened. Okay, and how does that feel? And what do you, how can, what can you do about it? I mean, you're constantly in the negative. For the most part, you're telling the story of something that has happened that you don't want. And the more that you tell that story, that's all that you'll continue to get. Right. Because the mind only brings you what you're focusing on. Right. So what therapy does is it prolongs that, and it puts people in that position where they're like, I've done all this work. Why has this never happened for me? Why is everyone else happy in relationship or married or running their business? And why for me does this never work out? Never works out. And again, the more you say that, it never works out. People that say to me, you know, everyone I meet is this. Is this like, yeah, they will be for as long as you continue to focus on that and say that. Because you know, the reticular activating system in your brain will never make you a liar. So if you say that, you know it never works out for you, it will make sure it never works out for you. So, yeah, you know, it's. It's really about a combination of a lot of things. But the beautiful thing is, it's that it's in stats weeks. It's not years.

A (27:13)

Yeah. Well, with your experience with relationships, how has that changed? And what have you learned and what are you experiencing now in regards to relationships, whether it's romantic or personal?

B (27:26)

So I created this work for me first, and two years ago, I married the greatest love of my life, which I never thought would happen for me. We met six years ago. I can tell you with certainty, had I not done the work that I now do with others for myself, that relationship would have never happened. Because we don't get what we want. We get who we are. Right. And so I think that becomes really important when we are looking at what did we learn and how can we change it? And I like to describe it like music. Like, what's your favorite music night?

A (28:04)

Well, I mean, I like a lot. I would say country music and some hip hop and.

B (28:09)

All right, we're gonna be best friends. We go to all the country concerts. Did you see Kenny at the Spear?

A (28:15)

No. Anyway, I saw. I saw him in big stadiums before, but not the Spear.

B (28:21)

All right, so. And then what would be a genre of music that's kind of your least favorite if you had to pick one?

A (28:27)

My. My daughter listens to Levy. I think her name is Levy. And it's like this sound from the 1940s, but this really good voice, and it's really slow and depressing sounding.

B (28:40)

That's your least favorite. Okay.

A (28:41)

Yeah.

B (28:42)

So if we're talking about context of anything in life, really imagine that everything you want, your relationship, your Health, the money, all of it is hanging out on Sirius XM53. Right? No shoes for Dick nation. Whatever or Morgan, whatever it is, it's all there. But unconsciously, often you're stuck down here on that God awful 1940s whatever it's called. And the thing is, is that. Can you hear Morgan Wallen on that, whatever it's called, lady on the 1940s station?

A (29:15)

No.

B (29:16)

A chance in hell. So if you're here and you want to be here, what do you have to do? You have to change the channel, you have to change the frequency. And so when you are able to do that, which is what we do in this process, then all of a sudden you get to start, you get to have what you want. Because again, we can want what we want, we're wired to want what we want, but we get who we are. The universe isn't going to direct you, but it will reflect you. So whatever it is that's not working in the way in which it could or should in your life, there's a reason for that.

A (29:51)

Yeah, I love this. This is great stuff and you know, nobody's perfect at it. You can be really refined and what have you and there's always work to do in this and you know, I'm always constantly learning and finding ways to optimize and, and then, you know, I have some friends that I'll talk to that, that really care about me. They're not just all self absorbed and then we can have conversations and, and they can bring to light some things and I don't get defensive, I just. Man, you know what, thank you for pointing that out. And then I can explore it if, if you can trust that person and know that their intentions are for the best for you and not to criticize you, not to keep you down below them and what have you. It's very powerful. Yeah. Rihanna. We're up against the clock. So. So can you just share with us what's the vision going forward for you? And then where can people go deeper with you?

B (30:38)

Sure. You know, I, my values are love, generosity, impact, the belief in what's possible and being a magnet for miracles. And that's how I live and that's my work. So for me going forward is just being able to actually teach more people that and have more impact. The work that I do is not a course or program. It's not group, it's bespoke. It's designed for you. My website, rhiannamalia.com. it's all there, all the socials, Instagram Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, rhiannamalia. And one other thing I would love to leave everyone with is a gift called the Eli. And the Eli is the diagnostic assessment that we've created. Created. It stands for the extraordinary love Index. Every human should take the le and it's not like a what Disney character are you? It's 40 questions. So give yourself a good 10, 15 minutes to answer thoughtfully because it's looking at nine key areas of who you are. And then I send you a 28 page personalized report breaking all of that down. And it gives you insight to you in a way that you might have never had. And it's going to give you some of those ahas and it's going to connect some dots, but it might, it also says this is what you might be experiencing. This is what might be showing up in your world. Here's the cost of staying there and here's something you can do right now to start moving to, you know, what's what you really want in life. So go take the Ellie, get the insight, start there, reach out.

A (32:03)

And that's on your website, rhiannavalia.com all right, Brianna, thank you so much for your time today. I really enjoyed the conversation and learning about you and thank you for your vulnerability and appreciate you. Right, hang tight while I wrap this up, folks. That's this episode of the what do you made of show. Rihanna sharing what she's made of. Keep coming back. Make sure you hit the follow or subscribe button at the top of your favorite podcast platform and keep coming back. And until next time, be that one.