312: Conscious Values vs. Fear-Based Values: Making Decisions That Truly Align

Summary

---

What the Fundraising – Episode 312:

"Conscious Values vs. Fear-Based Values: Making Decisions That Truly Align"

Host: Mallory Erickson
Date: August 4, 2026
Duration: ~14 minutes (Mini episode)

---

Episode Overview

In this solo mini-episode, host Mallory Erickson explores the crucial difference between conscious-based values and fear-based values, and how this awareness can fundamentally shift our decision-making as nonprofit professionals and humans. Mallory guides listeners through a self-assessment exercise to identify their core values, examine when values conflict, and recognize when a value may be rooted in fear. With candid storytelling and actionable steps, this episode is designed to help leaders move from auto-pilot to intentional, aligned choices in both their professional and personal lives.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Reality of Conflicting Values

(01:46 – 06:00)

• Reflection Activity:
  Mallory asks listeners to pause and brainstorm their own “top five values.”
  • Example values: balance, caring, excellence, family, respect.
• Key Insight:
  “A lot of times when we feel tension in our lives, it’s because we’re having to prioritize our values … there are so many times in life where we cannot express all of our values at the exact same time, and we have to make some choices.” (03:45)
• Real-World Example:
  Mallory describes how traveling for work means sometimes prioritizing career (excellence) over family, but emphasizes that values are “an aggregate across my life” (05:00).

2. The Importance of Consciousness in Values

(06:00 – 07:50)

• Core Message:
  Consciousness—being aware of which value you are prioritizing in a given moment—leads to agency and reduces inner conflict.
• Mallory’s Perspective:
  “It is in this belief that we should be able to express all our values at all times, that we actually have a ton of inner conflict and a lot of paralysis.” (06:32)
• Actionable Step:
  In moments of tension, ask: “What is the value here that I want to prioritize?”
• Paralysis Explained:
  “It’s when these things start happening without consciousness, where we feel trapped … we weren’t the one to be able to make the decision, that we’re at the effect of our life.” (07:24)

3. Fear-Based vs. Conscious-Based Values

(07:51 – 12:10)

• Definition:
  • Fear-Based Value: A value where the motivation is fear of what will happen if it’s not satisfied (e.g., “I better be helpful or else…”).
  • Conscious-Based Value: A value you actively choose and can prioritize contextually.
• Self-Assessment Exercise:
  Finish the sentences for each value:
  • “I better be helpful or else…”
  • “I better be successful or else…”
  • “I better be excellent or else…”
• Mallory’s Example:
  She shares her own realization:
  “So many of the times that I offered to help, I actually wasn’t doing it from a place of really wanting to help … I was afraid of what might happen if I wasn’t helpful.” (08:20)
• Societal Pressures:
  Some “values” may actually be absorbed from external expectations, such as “patriarchy or capitalism or a family dynamic.” (10:22)
• Empowering Choice:
  “You can let go of it… you get to deprioritize that value.” (10:34)

4. Converting Fear-Based Values Into Conscious Choice

(12:10 – 13:37)

• If The Value Is Still Core:
  • Clarify why it matters to you.
  • Set boundaries on how and when you will express it.
• Mallory’s Framework:
  “In order for values to be conscious, we have to be choosing them. Not having them choose us because we’re so afraid of what will happen if we don’t express that value all the time.” (12:45)
• Final Exercise:
  Try to figure out your top five values. For each, fill in: “I better be [value] or else…”
  For those with strong “or else” responses, explore whether to deprioritize or redefine them consciously.

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Tension and Choices:
  “It makes sense that those [moments of value conflict] make us uncomfortable. It makes sense that those are really hard moments for us that feel like tension. What helps here is consciousness, right?” — Mallory Erickson (05:22)

• On Agency:
  “We always have choice. But in order for us to always have choice, we need to have consciousness.” — Mallory Erickson (06:28)

• On Fear-Based Values:
  “I better be helpful or else nobody will think I’m worthwhile. I better be helpful or else I’m not lovable. I better be helpful or else I won’t be included.” — Mallory Erickson (08:20)

• On Rewriting Values:
  “You can let go of it … you get to deprioritize that value.” — Mallory Erickson (10:34)

• On Conscious Value Selection:
  “If you still do want helpfulness to be at the core of your five—great. Then you need to convert it to a conscious-based value. Why is it so important to you that that is part of your five? What does that mean?” — Mallory Erickson (12:11)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:46] – Opening: Mallory introduces the idea of values for nonprofit professionals
• [03:28] – Top values exercise and the struggle of conflicting values
• [06:00] – Consciousness as the key to navigating value conflict
• [07:51] – Defining fear-based values with a reflective activity
• [08:20] – Mallory’s personal story: discovering the fear at the root of helpfulness
• [10:00] – Distinguishing societal/family-imposed values from personal choice
• [12:10] – How to convert or let go of fear-based values
• [13:37] – Wrap-up and call to action for the value exercise

---

Actionable Takeaways

• Identify your top five values, but know not all can be honored simultaneously.
• Notice inner conflict as a signal that a value choice is at play.
• Use the “I better be [value] or else…” test to distinguish fear-based motivations.
• For fear-based values: either consciously redefine and own them—or set them aside if they don’t genuinely serve you.

---

Episode’s Tone & Language

Mallory’s style is energetic, empathetic, direct, and practical. She speaks candidly from personal experience, occasionally playful (“buckle up buttercup!”), and always motivational. She encourages deep personal reflection and creates a supportive, nonjudgmental space for listeners to challenge old patterns.

---

For more resources, in-depth show notes, and further exercises, visit MalloryErickson.com/Podcast.

Transcript

[A]

Before we dive in, I want to give a huge shout out to donorperfect for supporting this podcast and the fundraisers who listen to it. They're not just a CRM, they're a partner in helping fundraisers feel more confident, aligned and supported. Learn [e-mail] Mallory.

[B]

So if your auto response is to always raise your hand and help, I would invite you to finish the sentence, I better be helpful or else. Or maybe you need to finish the sentence, I better be successful or else. Or I better be excellent or else.

[A]

Hey, my name is Mallory and I'm obsessed with helping leaders in the nonprofit space raise money and run their organizations differently. What the fundraising is a space for real and raw conversations to both challenge and inspire you. Not too long ago, I was in your shoes, uncomfortable with fundraising and unsure of my place in this sector. It wasn't until I started to listen to other experts outside of the fundraising space that I was able to shift my mindset and ultimately shift the way I show up as a leader. This podcast is my way of blending professional and personal development so we, as a collective inside the non profit sector can feel good about the work we are doing. Join me every week as I interview some of the brightest minds in the personal and professional development space to help you fundamentally change the way you lead and fundraise. I hope you enjoy this episode, so let's dive in.

[B]

All right, buckle up buttercup, because I have a super, super fun topic for us to be talking about today, which is we're going to talk about values. Now you might be like, listen, Mallory, I'm a nonprofit professional. I have talked and done every value activity that there possibly could be. But bear with me for a second because I have a feeling you have not done this type of value activity unless you've been in a coaching program with me before, in which case, feel free to move on. But I want to talk about the difference between conscious based values and fear based values. And the fact that you cannot always have all of your values expressed, so you cannot express all of your values at the same time. So here we go. Let's start with just thinking about what our five top values are. Okay, so I want you to think for a second and I want you to reflect on what you think are your top five most important values. Okay. That you want to live your life in alignment with. Okay? So I want you to brainstorm in your head for a second. I'm going to take a little sip of my tea and I want you to think about your five Top values. Okay. Okay, so I'm just going to make these up for a second. These are not necessarily my top values. So let's say that you identified your top values as something like balance, caring, excellence, family, and respect.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

I'm just making up 5 based on this handy little list. So those are great values, right? And you might say these are the most important values in my life. But I want you to think about a time when two of those values felt in conflict with each other. Like maybe excellence, family and caring, or even excellence and family. Maybe a time where your job asked more of you that made you feel like you were coming out of balance and you couldn't prioritize that excellence professionally with family at the same time. Now, this does not mean that your top values are not these five things. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I want you to understand is that a lot of times when we feel tension in our lives, it's because we're having to prioritize our values. This does not mean that they are not important to us. But there are so many times in life where we cannot express all of our values at the exact same time, and we have to make some choices. It makes sense that those make us uncomfortable. Okay? It makes sense that those are really hard moments for us that feel like tension. What helps here is consciousness, right? So what helps is actually recognizing, okay, here are the most important values to me, and they're an aggregate across my life, right? These are my top five values that I want to be the most prevalent values in my life. It doesn't mean that in every season, in every moment, in every decision, I get to express these five values. And so then when you find yourself in these moments of tension, you can consciously say to yourself, okay, in this exact moment, what is the value here that I want to prioritize? Right? What is the value that I want to come through here? Because I think it is in this belief that we should be able to express all of our values at all times, that we actually have a ton of inner conflict and a lot of paralysis, okay? I travel a lot for work also. My kids, my family are so unbelievably important to me. If I always felt like every time I traveled for work or wasn't home for bedtime, that I was sacrificing my value of family, I would be torn up inside all the time. But those values are in an aggregate. And sometimes I make a decision that prioritizes a different value other than family. But that does not mean that family is not one of my top five values, okay? And it doesn't mean that when I skip a conference or the first part of a conference in order to do bedtime and fly out later, right in that moment, my family value is being prioritized in that moment. And we always have choice. But in order for us to always have choice, we need to have consciousness. And it's when these things start happening without consciousness where we feel trapped or we feel like we, we weren't the one to be able to make the decision that we're at the effect of our life. That's when things start to get really mucky and really, really uncomfortable and we don't know why and we are just like in this like tense paralysis of our life. The other thing I want to mention here, as you're writing down your values and maybe you want to pick five, maybe you want to pick ten. I just want you to remember that you have to be able to prioritize them in a given moment, right? You don't need to say this is my top value always. You could say, here are my top five values. And you just recognize that different situation, different circumstances are going to invite you to prioritize and you're going to have to do that each time. But the other thing I want to illuminate is that sometimes we are holding a value that is actually a fear based value and not a conscious based value. And before you totally freak out if you discover that something is a fear based value, after I walk you through this, just know that you can convert it to a conscious base value. But just listen up for a second. So a fear based value is a value that comes up where you can finish this sentence, I better be helpful or else. Okay, I better be helpful or else. I'm going to give you an example. This came up for me once around helpfulness.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

I would have said helpfulness is one of my top values. I love being helpful. But when I was invited to finish that sentence, I better be helpful or else, I started saying things like, I better be helpful or else nobody will think I'm worthwhile. I better be helpful or else I'm not lovable. I better be helpful or else I won't be included. I realized that so many of the times that I offered to help, I actually wasn't doing it from a place of really wanting to help in that circumstance. I was doing it because I was afraid of what might happen if I wasn't helpful. What would people think of me? What would I think of Me, Right? And being helpful actually is a value of mine, okay? And so like I mentioned before, you can convert it into a conscious base value, but a conscious base value means that you're really able to choose it because in the moment. Not that your auto response is to volunteer to help for every single thing. When your boss asks for somebody to volunteer to help, maybe this is another. Okay, I love this thing, you guys. So if your auto response is to always raise your hand and help, I would invite you to finish the sentence, I better be helpful or else. Or maybe you need to finish the sentence, I better be successful or else or I better be excellent or else. Okay, whatever it is for you, for each of the values that you identified, I want you to try to finish that sentence. And if you notice that for one of the values there are a lot of fear based beliefs, I want you to get curious about what it would look like to convert it to a conscious based value. You would do that by asking yourself, is this something that I do really want to hold as one of my top values or is it something that society or my family dynamics or something else has told me I better value? And if it is a value, one is, you can let go of it, okay, my loves, you can let go of it. If you are like, oh, this has actually become a value because of patriarchy or capitalism or a family dynamic that I'm trying to break out of anyways, or wonderful, you know what you get to do? You get to deprioritize that value, okay? And it doesn't mean that you are never, maybe it's helpfulness that you are never going to be helpful, okay? You're not going to become the person who literally never helps anybody, okay? But you're like, this is of all the five things I could be, maybe helpful is not in my top five that I want because there are all these other values that I actually really want to express more than that. And I still want to be helpful when I can be, but it's not the core, core, core of who I want to be. Okay? Now if you're like, no, Mallory, I still do want helpfulness to be at the core of my five. Okay, great. Then you need to convert it to a conscious base value. And you need to think about why is it so important to you that that is part of your five? What does that mean? Who do you want to be? How will you handle deprioritizing it against some of those other top five values when you're in a moment of tens, okay? Because in order for values to be conscious, we have to be choosing them, okay? Not having them choose us because we're so afraid of what will happen if we don't express that value all the time. Okay? So for today, I want you to do a little value exercise. I want you to try to figure out your top five values. I want you to then invite yourself to finish each sentence. I better be blank or else. So for any of the ones where you have a lot of or else's come up and just listen, listen to yourself, okay? Because you're going to notice when those sentences finish themselves, okay? And for anyone where you have a lot of those reasons, I want you to get curious around whether or not you would like to deprioritize that value and not choose it right now in your life, or if you would like to turn it into a conscious based value because of some of the things that you want to choose. For example, if helpfulness went from my fear based place to my conscious base place, then what that would mean is that here are the moments where I really want to choose to be helpful because it feels good, it's aligned with my values. Here's why helpfulness is aligned with my values. That still doesn't mean that I say yes to helping every single time somebody asked me to help. It still does not mean that I'm the person who raises my hand and offers to help every single time somebody needs help. Right? Because that's not a conscious based value decision. That is an auto response rooted in fear and not enoughness. Okay? So you can convert it to a conscious based value, but that means you really need to be able to bring that consciousness, that discernment, that prioritization into how that value materializes. Okay, I want to know how this sits with you, if this is helpful at all. What is coming up for you, Etc. Thank you so much for joining me for this mini episode today.

[A]

I hope today's episode inspired or challenged

[B]

you to think differently.

[A]

For additional takeaways, tips, show notes and more about our amazing guest and sponsors, head on over to Mallorykson.com backslash podcast. And if you didn't know, hosting this podcast isn't the only thing I do every day. I coach, guide and help fundraisers and leaders just like you inside of my program, the Power Partners Formula Collective. Inside the program, I share my methods, tools and experiences that have helped me fundraise millions of dollars and feel good about myself in the process. To learn more about how I can help you, visit MalloryErickson.com PowerPartners Last but not least, if you enjoyed this episode, I'd love to encourage you to share it with a friend you know would benefit or leave a review. I'm so grateful for all of you and the good, hard work you're doing to make our world a better place. I can't wait to see you in the next episode. Hey, I want to tell you about a podcast I genuinely love, the Small Nonprofit Podcast. It's hosted by the incredible Maria Rio, and it speaks directly to the realities so many of us are living inside every day. Maria, tell us about your show.

[C]

Hi, I'm your host, Maria Rio. I moved to Canada as a refugee, used charitable services myself, and have been fundraising for over a decade. I love exploring ways our sector can grow, change, and make the world more equitable. The Small Nonprofit Podcast is where we do just that. I believe small nonprofits are where the most transformative work happens, but we've been set up to fail by systems that expect us to do more with less. Every week I sit down with leaders, fundraisers, and change makers who are doing things differently. They're building sustainable funding without compromising their values, creating power instead of dependence, and pushing back on the broken systems we've all inherited. You'll walk away with actionable strategies you can use, not just inspiration. So if you're ready to stop scrambling and start building something that lasts, you're in the right place. Let's get into it.

[A]

If you're leading or fundraising at a small nonprofit and you're craving work that feels aligned, sustainable, and human, go listen to the Small Nonprofit Podcast. Search the Small Nonprofit Podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to listen.