Lisa Ann Walter

Summary

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Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (Sometimes)

Guest: Lisa Ann Walter
Date: May 27, 2026
Episode Theme:
A candid, hilarious, and insightful conversation between Ted Danson and actor-comedian Lisa Ann Walter, tracing her journey from her early days in theater and stand-up to her current star turn on Abbott Elementary. The discussion dives deep into creative risks, the realities of being a woman in comedy and show business, generational shifts in feminism, and the universal appeal—and challenges—of live performance.

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Main Topics & Structure

1. Lisa Ann Walter’s Theater Roots & "Jumping Off Tall Buildings"

Timestamps: 01:14–12:07

• Lisa describes her early passion for live theater and musicals, recounting how she saved a Maryland town’s summer theater by stepping into a dual-lead with 24 hours’ notice.

  • Quote:
    “So I saved the town. And I did it in one day. … I had no idea what my entrance was, I would just say, ‘put me on an X backstage,’ dressers would put me in a costume, someone tells me my cue and my first line, and I go on.” (05:10, Lisa)

• Ted and Lisa bond over the adrenaline and terror of live performance, especially when things go awry.

  • Quote:
    “I'm always afraid right before I go on stage. … and sometimes I do pee just a little bit. ... Four kids later, if I sneeze it’s a 50/50 shot!” (10:09–11:02, Lisa)

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2. The Unique Magic and Challenges of TV/Stage

Timestamps: 12:19–18:57

• Discussion of rehearsal differences between theater and sitcoms; Lisa reflects on the rapid pace and collaborative rhythm of modern half-hour comedy (Abbott Elementary as example).

  • Quote:
    “You kind of rehearse on camera. ... In our case on Abbott, we rehearse while we’re doing the first couple runs.” (15:36, Lisa)

• Both reflect on the rare but valuable gift of direction that unlocks a new layer of performance.

  • Quote:
    “He didn't talk to me about the motivation ... nothing. He just goes, ‘Do it softer. Quiet it down.’ And I got to the end and thought, holy shit, I'm a good actor. That was great. That's the best direction I've ever gotten.” (21:25, Lisa)

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3. Hollywood Realities: Shows That Never Got Seen

Timestamps: 21:59–25:05

• Lisa recalls Breaking News, a prescient, critically praised TV drama about a 24-hour news network that was shot but never aired due to network changes.
  • Quote:
    “We shot the entire season, never aired it. ... Our EP brought the pilot and everyone said, ‘This is the best show you’ll never see.’ Isn’t that wild?” (24:30, Lisa)

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4. Recognition, Iconic Roles, and Being Known

Timestamps: 28:33–33:01

• Ted recounts rediscovering Lisa’s turn as Chessy in The Parent Trap, sharing how the role’s warmth causes people to seek her out for hugs.

  • Quote:
    “I thought I was rediscovering you, only to find out that people stop you on the street and ask you for a Chessy hug.” (28:46, Ted)

• Lisa muses on embracing foolishness and the shifting standards of body image and female representation in comedy.

  • Notable:
    Lisa jokes her company was almost called “Ingenue’s Fat Funny Friend,” underlining how comic archetypes and self-perception shape careers. (29:58, Lisa)

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5. On Fear, Feminism, and Finding Your Point of View

Timestamps: 33:01–47:37

• Lisa shares her early, rebellious feminism—marching in D.C., buying Ms. magazine at 12, and learning to face ridicule for being outspoken and funny as a teenage girl.

  • Quote:
    “Every day I would go to school and say, just don’t top them…you don’t have to make a comment...and I would blow it by second period. Every single day, I’d blow it.” (33:04, Lisa)

• Discussion of the gendered dynamics in early stand-up and TV.

  • Quote:
    “[Comedy is] power, you’re in control. … Being funny is strong, so can be threatening—and smart already starts off being threatening.” (32:55, Lisa)

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6. The Abbott Elementary Phenomenon & Ensemble Magic

Timestamps: 41:29–46:57

• Ted praises the Abbott ensemble as inheritors of the “brilliant half-hour comedy” tradition. Lisa describes how Quinta Brunson, the creator, insisted the show reflect her authentic experiences and how the cast dynamic allows for real, organic humor.
  • Quote:
    “That’s something you can’t…plan. …I think we get a product…that is joyful, it feels real because of the way we shoot it. …My reaction to what you just did is real. …All of that is part of the DNA of the show…” (45:28–46:18, Lisa)

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7. Vulnerability, Agency, and Surviving in Comedy

Timestamps: 48:13–56:41

• Ted and Lisa discuss leveraging one’s full self—looks, wit, sexuality—in both acting and stand-up, and Lisa’s refusal to “de-sex” herself or play it safe.

  • Quote:
    “[On being a woman onstage]. …‘Don’t wear a short dress, don’t show cleavage, or they won’t hear your words.’ ... This is part of the package!...This is part of who I am.” (49:44, Lisa)

• Lisa shares a formative acting school anecdote:

  • Quote:
    “You are all those things and all the other things that you’ve ever thought about yourself. And you are an actor, so use it. All of it, always.” (52:50, Lisa quoting her drama teacher)

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8. Stand-Up War Stories: The Apollo, Hecklers, and Sexism

Timestamps: 65:03–73:20

• Lisa recounts her early days doing stand-up in New York, the testosterone-laden (and sometimes predatory) road scene, and the high-stakes set at Showtime at the Apollo.

  • Quote:
    “I looked up and it had not gotten to the balcony yet. …And I went, well, the guys in the balcony like me, cause they’re the ones that can see my tits. …They couldn’t believe this little white housewife had taken on the crowd at the Apollo like that. And then I killed.” (68:13–70:41, Lisa)

• She details the harsh double standards and dangers for women on the comedy circuit.

  • Quote:
    “There was no women on the road...If you did [sleep with bookers/comics], you were a whore. If you didn’t, you didn’t get rebooked...They’d have the money out...next thing, a hand would be down my shirt...” (71:42, Lisa)

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9. Sober Lives, Family, and Creative Return

Timestamps: 73:14–75:10 & 62:04–65:03

• Lisa discusses her sobriety (25 years), what inspired it, and how it’s allowed her to stay healthy for her kids and her work.
• Reflects on her children—now adults—and how their presence intertwines (sometimes literally, as audience) with her stand-up.

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10. Feminism, Political Backsliding, and Speaking the Truth

Timestamps: 75:40–86:09

• Lisa discusses her new Hulu special, It Was an Accident, and her long-standing commitment to tackling social issues through comedy, including America’s current “backsliding” on women’s rights.

  • Quote:
    “I want to do more like the comics that I loved when I was a kid, ... Richard Pryor and George Carlin ... stories, experience. ... So the stuff that I had to say, a lot of it was about the experience of being a woman. … My point of view had always been very pro-female, feminist to a certain extent, but also truthful—just truth telling.” (75:55–78:46, Lisa)

• On family, relationships, and self-worth:

  • Quote:
    “First ex-husband ... he also liked men. Second husband, a cheater ... not technically a religion, but he practiced it like one. ... Once I got past all of that and ... really embraced it—I was just gung ho—I was gonna say everything that I thought.” (75:55–80:56, Lisa)

• On the broader significance of female rage and new activism:

  • Quote:
    “You see rage everywhere you go ... Women are pissed ... All those years you spent wanting to copy Kardashians ... undoing everything that we have been doing for decades, that we marched for and fought for, died for. ... Now all of a sudden they’re paying attention because they’re risking their lives again.” (82:43–84:43, Lisa)

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11. The Connection of Live Comedy

Timestamps: 57:00–59:49

• Lisa explains the technical and emotional artistry behind riding a wave of laughter, and the crucial role of live audiences in creating community.
  • Quote:
    “There’s a science to a laugh starting at the front of the room and working its way to the back ... if you’re good ... you can milk it and it can come back the other way … Every show is different, and that’s the fun part—that it’s live, it’s now.” (58:36–59:49, Lisa)

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Noteworthy Quotes

• On creative courage:
  Ted: “Do you have that face?”
  Lisa: “I have an oral fixation.”
  (86:50–86:52)

• On aging in Hollywood:
  “The joy of getting older is to be able to say—either literally or know it—if you hire me, you’re getting all of me. I’m not gonna show up and cut half of myself off, you know?” (51:22, Ted)

• On teaching and ensemble TV:
  “Every five or six years, critics declare half hour comedy dead. And then something comes along ... and you’re one of those something-came-along shows.” (41:37, Ted)

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Notable Episode Moments

• Lisa’s one-day, two-role theater rescue (04:05)
• Ted’s confession about on-set insecurity and “selling” the Sam Malone sex symbol persona (38:00–39:56)
• The parent trap of body image and roles for women (29:57)
• Standup war story at the Apollo—and how comedy can disarm a hostile crowd (68:13–70:41)
• Heartfelt reflection on generational gains and losses in women’s rights (82:43–86:09)

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Recurring Themes

• The irreplaceable charge of live performance (“milking” the laugh, the unpredictability of being onstage)
• Bridging generations in comedy and feminism, from Joan Rivers to Quinta Brunson
• The challenge of authenticity—onstage, onscreen, and in life
• The power (and the pain) of female confidence in male-dominated spaces

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Episode Takeaway

A funny, moving, and uncensored exploration of life as a performer, woman, and truth-teller, Lisa Ann Walter’s career is a testament to resilience and reinvention. Her standup returns to the hard-won, unvarnished honesty that’s always made her work shine: “If people have a purpose, that’s mine—to make people feel a little bit better.”

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Want More?

Lisa Ann Walter’s new special, "It Was an Accident," premieres May 15th on Hulu.
Abbott Elementary airs on ABC and streams on Hulu.

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For full video episodes: YouTube.com/TeamCoco

(Review skips all ad reads, intros/outros, except where content overlaps organically.)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

No, I've seen and I just want, I just wanna. Hold on.

[B]

I've seen it.

[A]

Lady jacket. And go for. Welcome back to where everybody knows your name. I'm so thrilled to be talking with actor and comedian Lisa Ann Walter. She currently stars in Abbott Elementary. She just has this bold presence both on screen and on stage. As a comedian, I love how honest and relatable she is. She has a new special out on Hulu. It's her debut and it's called it was an Accident. Can't wait for you to hear our conversation, Lisa Ann Walter. Well, let's go to the next project and then work backwards. You're about to go off Broadway.

[B]

Yes. And you know what? I'm not. Hang on, I gotta cross. It's a whole operation for me to

[A]

cross my legs, especially in leathers.

[B]

Fair.

[A]

Fair enough.

[B]

Thank you. Speaking like someone who rock and rolls around in leather frequently, it sticks. Like sitting on a couch in my Italian family's house. Yeah, you gotta like work it. I am going to go off Broadway. It's very close to Broadway though, so I'd like to say it's Broadway adjacent.

[A]

You're in New York. There are 300 plus people sitting there watching and you have to step out in the dark and start. That doesn't matter if you call it off Broadway or Broadway. That's huge.

[B]

It's big. And the standing in front of people and talking and performing is what I do with standing standup. So that's. And I came from musical theater, from stage shows and classic theater. And I was doing plays in D.C. when I still lived there after college, adjacent to the Arena Stage and Streetcar Named Desire, the Night from Olmedo and some really serious theatery stars. And then I did a lot of. To make money. I did a lot of musicals and it was great. I did a summer stock one year that was almost all musicals. I was just talking to my son about this. So the last show that I did that I got paid for that was a musical was Babes in Arms. I was the Judy Garland role, which I didn't know. I auditioned on a whim because.

[A]

Oh, golly, where was this?

[B]

This was the Wye Mills Theater in Wye Mills, Maryland. It is the state summer theater of Maryland. And I went to School in D.C. and there was a playwright that was in the BFA program with me that wrote a play commemorating the 250th anniversary of the state of the colony of Maryland. This is stuff you did not ask about, but I'm telling you anyway.

[A]

Please.

[B]

The night before they were supposed to open, the woman who was playing the lead, it was a farce. It was like a Moliere type bark. And the lead woman, the lead character is a woman who was twin sisters separated at birth. One was raised as an Indian, as a native princess, and the other one was a Puritan maid. And it was errors in sacks and in hay lofts and getting dropped down into people's arms. And I. This is what happened. The night before opening, the woman who was playing the lead had a nervous breakdown. I don't know for sure that it was connected to playing the dual role, but having done it in one day, felt like it. They called me. My friend who was the playwright called me and said, you're the quickest study I know. Can you come save me? Or this show goes down. If this show goes down, it supports the rest of the summer season for this theater.

[A]

You were not an understudy.

[B]

Nope. You.

[A]

You had nothing to do with the town, never saw it, and you literally came in within a day, one day.

[B]

So we ran all night long rehearsals and the next day. And the audience knew. And these are people with subscriptions to this. Some of them would come in from D.C. some of them would come from Baltimore, Annapolis, some lived there. But the whole economy of this town rested on the summer season of this little state theater. And if that first show goes down, there goes the season. The entire Economy of the town was dead. So I saved the town. And I did it in one day. And it was crazy because, Ted, I had no idea what my entrance. I would just say, put me on an X backstage. And then dressers would come and put me in one costume or the other. And then I'd say, bring me to my. Where my entrance is. Give me my cue and my first line. Give me my cue and my opening line. And they would tell me and I would go on stage and do the scene. Only went up once.

[A]

Wow. Did you see total fear in your co star? Your fellow actors on stage going to

[B]

be like, I don't know that. I looked at their faces. I don't remember looking or recognizing anybody except the drive, which I think maybe helped the energy of the show. And one time I got stuck in a sack, in a collapsed sack where they were kidnapping me. And so somebody tied it. And then I'm on stage laying down at the, you know, front center and they're supposed to open the bag and the different one pops out and they couldn't get the bag open. And I remember ad libbing. Doth thou have a shear? Doth thou hath a shears? I don't know why I thought they talked like that.

[A]

How did you know that you had the oomph guts? How did you. Where did that come from that you would say yes to that? How old were you?

[B]

21. I was 21.

[A]

Had you done stand up yet?

[B]

No. So no. Standup was a move and a baby away and about three more years. I didn't do stand up till I was like 24. I think 20, 23.

[A]

Have you ever done a 24 hour play they do?

[B]

No.

[A]

I wanted to though, but it's basically that. But easier because it's not a full length play. Usually it's like a one act or something where it all happens in 24 hours. But I bet you the audience so loved that you were doing this and so rooted for you.

[B]

They did. I was the COVID of the paper the next week. They're like, Saves the Town. It wound up being like a Judy Garland, Mickey Rooney movie. And then the next show was supposed to be Babes in Arms. And after a performance one night we're all sitting around drinking as you do when you're 21 and living in a group house. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And they said, hey, we're doing a musical. Come audition. And I was like, no, okay. Jumped on stage and sang 16 bars of Is It a Crime, which is a Judy holiday song.

[A]

The one you stepped in at the last second. Did you do many nights of that?

[B]

I did the whole run.

[A]

You were now the whole. What was second night like? Do you remember? Cause a lot of times second night is hard anyway.

[B]

Yeah, no, I felt. I felt. I felt great through the whole run. I don't think I ever got to the point where I had time to really understand, like, anything about the character or motivation or anything like that. It was literally just line, go, do. And I never had a chance to really explore it because the run isn't long enough. It's like a four week run.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then by the third week, we were already onto the musical rehearsal where I had. Yeah, I think they added. I auditioned just goofing around. And then they said, okay, well, rehearsals start in D.C. next week, so you have to drive in and start rehearsals. I didn't know what I was playing. And then they gave me the script and I went, oh, my God, I'm Susie Ward. That's the lead. I have eight songs. And then they added three. They added three songs to. So that was the last time that I did a full musical. It's been a minute.

[A]

I guess I keep asking questions, hoping I'll find some fear or something, because the last time I did theater, I went up. It was a 20 minute monologue and it was a fundraiser, but it was a week of great material and all that went up and it just shot me full of so much adrenaline. I think it actually made it better in a way.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Like night two, when I had time to not just be adrenaline driven up all night, going right into a performance. The great thing about theater, what I like about it, the same thing I like about stand up, is that things can go wrong. I was doing Streetcar Named Desire. I. A set fell. An entire flat fell. You are never so in the moment as when a prop is missing or somebody else goes up or you go up, then you're all the way there. So I mean, fear. I'm always afraid right before I go on stage. I feel like I'm gonna. And sometimes I do pee just a little bit. I'm gonna be honest with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel like I need to.

[A]

I have special cushions on these chairs, so just have at it. You'll be fine. Thank you.

[B]

And four kids later, I mean, it's just. We roll the dice every single. If I sneeze, it's 50. 50 shot.

[A]

I used to lie about, you know, when you're building a resume after college. But all you've done is college. And maybe one summer I did. It was called the Arena. What is the Washington One Stage.

[B]

Arena Stage.

[A]

So I did the Arena Theater in Lycoming, Pennsylvania. And I slowed down the arena and people. Later in New York when I was making rounds. Oh, you were at the Arena.

[B]

I'd go, yeah. Did you work with Halo Wines? That was Stanley Anderson.

[A]

Oh, I missed that.

[B]

Richard Bauer, sir. Actors. Where's your camera? The Arena Stage actors.

[A]

Okay, so you're off to New York to do Heather's.

[B]

I'm going off to do Heather's the Musical, which is based on the dark comedy Heathers with Christian Slater and Winona Ryder, which I quite enjoyed.

[A]

Is this a new production?

[B]

It's been around for a little bit. I think they opened in the West End and then they went to New York and now, I'm sorry, stepping into the role. So it's been running.

[A]

I am so impressed.

[B]

Oh, thank you. Don't say that.

[A]

No, I am, I am. That's a good thing. Mary. Do you know my wife, Mary Steenburgen?

[B]

I mean, obviously I know her work. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant actress. Including all the stage stuff and all the Beth Henleys and all of that. I mean, she's wonderful, but I know I don't know her personally.

[A]

I only bring her up so that you'll give me some cred. You'll think, oh, maybe if he's with Mary, maybe.

[B]

Oh, you didn't even have to do that way. I would too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm going to use her from now on. Just because you're married to her.

[A]

But she jumps off tall buildings like you do.

[B]

She just died.

[A]

And it terrifies me every time. She said, I'm going to go do a play. She did Boston Marriage with David Mamet. Play and directed by David Mamet, who if you miss a comment.

[B]

Scary. Yes. Don't do that. No, no. He's very words.

[A]

Yes. And he actually said to her, wait, why was that pause? And she said, it's the only time I can swallow and I'm a human date.

[B]

He said, find someplace else.

[A]

But I had to take like a sedative to go watch the first performance because I was so terrified than someone I loved. It just jumped off a tall building.

[B]

Okay, so I am a nerd pretty much across the board. But I'm specifically a nerd about old movies in general. I was raised on them. My mother was a fanatic. We, you know, always were on TMC and before that it's Saturday Morning where you start with Shirley Temple and you End with Tarzan or Blondie movies, whatever it is. Yeah. Or Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, whatever it is. But I'm a huge fan of movies from the 30s and the 40s all the way through. I specifically love movies about theater. Anything about theater. Right. So All About Eve. Anything where people are walking around mannered.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I just. I always wanted to do that accent, which is like an Americanized British. When they taught them to do round tones, you know? Thank y'. All. Thank y'. All. What language is that? It's theater.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mid Atlantic.

[B]

Yes. It's Tallulah Bankhead meets Hepburn meets somebody with this voice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I always wanted to. I'm auditioning for my next off off Broadway, so. So I. I love the idea of being in that family, of being on stage with people and doing what you're talking about. The dive. One of the things that happens in those movies that I love is that there's a battle between the writer and the director and the actress. And there's always an idea of how you're playing it and who's playing what. And I thought, we don't have time in television for that kind of direction or attention to what we're doing. Like, if you have a chance to run it, I'm telling you, like, you have not been steadily on television for a while. I can't think of a time when you weren't on television doing a show,

[A]

but you kind of rehearse on camera.

[B]

On camera, in takes. You rehearse while. In our case, on Abbott, we rehearse while we're doing the first couple runs of. Is when we have a chance to take a run at it. Especially if it's like a scene with snappy repartee and a lot of back and forth and you hear it, you know what the rhythm is, you know what works for you. I guarantee nobody's telling you how to act in half hour comedy. Am I wrong? When's the last time somebody gave you direction?

[A]

Jimmy Burrows.

[B]

Oh, well, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And it's been a minute, right?

[A]

Yeah. And it's funny. Cause if it isn't your. If you get a note and it's. And you do. Some people do this and sometimes it works and it's great. But if you get a note that's trying to change your rhythm that you walk in the door with on tv, it's not a great idea. Because if I always think, yes, it's funny on the page, this is brilliant. But I, for some reason, don't seem to be able to get it and make it funny.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Let's not argue, change it. And I'm not being stubborn, but let's make it funny. And it's my bad, but let's.

[B]

You know, and. Because this is not my show. And when I came into television, the first two were my shows. So first of all, I had to learn how to be on a mark so the camera could find me. Because before that, I was a camera. And wherever I went, camera would find me. I mean, not like I didn't understand blocking. I came from theater. But, you know, there were adjustments. And one of them is. I don't. I'm not. Can you explain to me how it was said in the room? Really? I'm saying, give me a line reading. Because I'm not understanding what you mean by this or how to do it. And sometimes people. Quinta can be really helpful because she'll say, oh, it's this. And I'll go, okay, I got it. I got a handle on how I can do. Deliver what you're looking for. Yeah, but you know, you're top. You're number one. So on the call sheet, they gotta change it.

[A]

If you got a line reading, people, you'd be so insulted.

[B]

So insulted.

[A]

So insulted. Now I'm fine. Yeah, give me a line reading.

[B]

Yeah, tell me. And also, sometimes, like, as Jimmy Burrows wants to tell me, try it this way. And it was something I never thought of.

[A]

God bless.

[B]

Yeah, okay. Cause I know how to come in, you know, guns blazing, you know, all barrels and loud. I know how to. One of the best directions I ever got. Did you think you were going to have to, like, talk or try to lure me out of my shell?

[A]

No, I've seen. And I just want. I just want to hold on my jacket and go for the ride.

[B]

Thank you. Here you go. One of the best directions I ever got was. This was in the days when you went in a season. Remember? Like pilot season.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And by this time in the history of television, I'm sure you were just combing through stacks of straight offers.

[A]

No, but go on.

[B]

Okay. Well, in my head, you were and should have been, honestly. But in my world, there was auditions, and you went into a room, and it was never on zoom. And you went to this, to this, to this. And if you were doing well or you were on the lists and people wanted you by the time you were at your third audition. This only happened to me once. But there would be offers from all those shows, and they'd call your people immediately because they want to take you off the market so that you don't take something else. And now you're in second position for them. So one day I was getting ready to go to my third, and I was walking in the room, and the first two had already said, we want her. And this was me. I was walking into a room for a show called Breaking News, which I absolutely still. One of my favorite things I've ever done that nobody's ever seen, which is another story. But I had my phone. It didn't look like this. It was the giant thing. So I had my phone, and it was the part of a news producer. And I walked in. I didn't need this job anyway, but I walked in talking to them about the other two deals and like, okay, we'll just tell them to send it over and da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Okay, thanks. Bye. Hi. I got the offer then, like, it was like, it was so the character, not the part of, I don't need this job, so therefore you want me more. Cause it's all dating, right?

[A]

It is.

[B]

It was a little bit of that, but I wasn't playing it. Like, look how important I am. It was literally just the energy was. I'm confident.

[A]

I have a lot going on, and I'm happy to be here, but I got a lot going on.

[B]

Right. So I did the audition, and it was a scene that was. It was a drama. It was one hour drama. And I was obviously funny in a lot of it. But the. Who was directing it? Ken Olin and. Ken Olin, 30 something. Yeah, exactly. And also met his wife doing Streetcar Named Desire, which is where I met my husband. Sorry, ADD Squirrel. He said he didn't talk to me about the motivation or the energy of the scene. Nothing. He. He just goes, do it softer. Just quiet it down. And I did. And I got to the end, and I was like, holy shit, I'm a good actor. That was great. That was great. That's the best direction I've ever gotten. It was so right.

[A]

The cliche is faster. Funnier.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I appreciate. Go faster.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or like you said, go quiet. Cause if you're an actor and you love what you're doing, you take that softer, and all of a sudden you're going, oh, look where this is taking me kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah, look what I'm giving the time to feel and let you feel. And it was fantastic. And the job was amazing. It was brilliant. I'm sorry that it didn't get seen.

[A]

Tell me the name of it again.

[B]

It's called Breaking News. And it was about. It was the first TV show about a 24 hour news network. And we shot it on this beautiful set that was two levels with ramps in Canada. So these guys are running backwards through the whole thing. It was a lot of Sorkin esque walk and talks and you could see from the upper level into the bullpen and into every office cause they were all glassed. Yeah, it was just. Yeah, it was a beautiful show. Really timely. They had an episode where the person was supposed to be Osama bin Laden. That was not the name given, but it was supposed to be that person kidnapped, killed a congressman or senator on their driveway and then kidnapped our main news guy, which was Tim Matheson and held him captive with someone else. And the other, the second person was. And this was for TNT network and we shot it and it was the best hour of television I have ever been a part of. And TNT said we don't want to run it because it's not realistic and we're going to get letters from groups and we don't want to do it. And Clancy Brown, who was the guy in charge and I was number two. We called the network and they were like, you don't have to do this. And we're like, this is the best hour we've ever done. We don't want to dial it back. It's great. And they were like, yeah, okay, that's nice, but we're going to do it our way. And then this was nine months later, 911 happened. It was prescient. It was a good show.

[A]

Yeah. Clancy Brown, also an amazing actor.

[B]

Yeah, it was a good show. And then TNT changed presidents, which happens. And then that president said we want the whole network to be youth oriented. And that was, I remember so much. They were telling us like, this is the way the network's gonna be. Don't make the call, it's fine. And I went, what are they gonna do? What's TNT gonna do? Not let me wrestle. Not let me be in a western. Cause in those days that's what they had and they changed the whole thing and they scrapped our show. Shot the entire season, never aired it. And then our ep, Gardner Stern brought the pilot to the TCAS that year and they watched it and everybody did reviews on it and was like, this is the best show you'll never see. Isn't that wild?

[A]

Crazy. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, but I could find it probably on Hulu or something. I bet you can find it.

[B]

I don't know. I bet you can I'm gonna send it to your house.

[A]

Email it.

[B]

I will, I will.

[A]

If you do find it, do I

[B]

would love to see it. I mean, I have all of the copies and I think we either digitized them or we're going to because it's the work on the reviews that were written about my work in that show is like my mother wrote them. I mean they were all like just so glowing.

[A]

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[B]

Chessy in the Parent Trap.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And I looked at that scene. I thought I was rediscovering you, only to find out that people stop you on the street and ask you for a Chessy hug.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

But you are spectacular. You're an amazing actor. I literally, while I'm looking at clips to get to know you, I'm crying, Literally.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

So maybe I'll get a hug. No, you already gave me a hug.

[B]

I'll give you another hug.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Are you kidding?

[A]

You really are a wonderful actor.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

And then you can do stand up and you can do theater and all of that. How exciting it is.

[B]

And I mean, that so speaks to me when you said this. Your wife dives in and has no fear. I think all of us have fear. And it's protection and it's, I don't wanna look foolish. And I already start out. I think my point A is I'm foolish. I'm fine being foolish. I don't wanna look fat, but I'm fine looking foolish. And I've kind of given up on the fat thing even because now everybody is skinny. It's so easy to do. Now. I'm like, that'll be my selling point. The last bad actress. And I'll get all the world. I mean, somebody's gotta be the funny friend.

[A]

That's a great line.

[B]

My first production company was Ingenue's Funny Friend. And I wanted to make it Ingenue's Fat Funny Friend. But I was like, I look good. So I had to cut that out. But even then in those days, when I first came to la, they were when I was doing the ABC show, the wardrobe designer. Costume designer was like, you know that lawyer on Fox was really thin. It was Calista Flockhart. I'm never gonna be Calista Flockhart. My Sicilian peasant James Fat ass is never gonna be somebody named Calista ever. Like, I'm going to be this my whole life. And so. But we all succumb to the pressure

[A]

and, you know, if you can live through being a woman.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

There's so many roadblocks and traps and this and that. And if you come out with a. Nope, you didn't get me. I'm still here. I love the name of your special coming up that I would really. I can't wait to see. Because one of the things you tackle is what's happening to America.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

By a. What is the exact. Can I look at it? Do you remember what it is via the lens? Yeah.

[B]

The backsliding.

[A]

The backsliding of America through the lens of a. Yeah. Grown ass woman. Who's been paying attention.

[B]

I've been paying attention.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is the reason I started doing standup in the first place was because there were things I had to say. It was just usually I talked about it with my group of friends that were my fellow BFA majors and we all moved to New York at the same time. And I'd make them laugh because that's all comedy is, is funny. Complaining. So the idea was, this is the stuff that I have to say. If I don't get it out, I'm gonna be in trouble. Like, I have to say it. And I watched Bill Cosby do a hunk about having a baby. He did a childbirth bit. So why is this man doing this? This is our experience.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like men in comedy were. That's the norm. There were so few when I was a kid. There was Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller. If you watch Hollywood Squares, you saw Toady Fields. You never saw Moms Mabley or anybody from that to the Chitlin circuit or. Or Vegas because they worked blue. So you never saw those women. And having a female point of view in comedy because comedy's masculine, because you have power, you're in control. And funny is a. People say it. I don't believe this is true. But being funny is strong, so can be threatening and smart already starts off being threatening.

[A]

So all of that's true.

[B]

Yes. I mean, right.

[A]

Whether it should be or not.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That is definitely how those things are perceived.

[B]

Yes. Listen, I was in high school and I desperately wanted to be like Suzanne Purcell and all these girls that were just would wear what they call peanut pants. Kids, peanut pants are a one and A half inch zipper. And they were that low. That's how low the rise was. And I was 36, 24, 36 already by the time I was 13, so that they didn't make them for hips my size. And these girls were this big. And they giggled. Anytime a boy would say anything. A lot of tongue, smiling. And I desperately wanted to be that. Every day I would go to school and say, just don't top them. Don't top the boys. Don't. Not in a sexual way. Don't be funnier. You don't have to make a comment. When they make a comment, just giggle. Just laugh at what they say and you'll get asked a prom. Just shut up. And I would blow it by second period. Every single day, I'd blow it.

[A]

And could you see the effect on them?

[B]

Oh, yeah, they didn't like it. They did not like it. But I could not be something I wasn't. And I already was a feminist. I mean, I started getting. I used my allowance to get Ms. Magazine when I was 12. I got to tell Gloria Steinem that that made me happy.

[A]

You grew up in Washington, D.C. i did. And a mother, our mother and father who took you to women's marches when you were eight.

[B]

Yeah, she didn't always take us. Sometimes we just went, or we went with teachers that were activists and we would go downtown and what year is this? We're talking about? 70s, 71, 72.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow. So this is me and my sister and our next door neighbors, and we ran like feral animals all over the neighborhood and did whatever. I think that's where the no fear comes in because we just did what we wanted. Oh, we're gonna build a clubhouse now. We're. We're gonna host a muscular dystrophy carnival. We're writing letters to the Washington Post. We're gonna go march against the war or for the era. And the stuff that was fair is what made sense to me. I had this, like, sense of justice, that this is the way things should be. And so I realized that being funny about it was a lot more engaging. People would listen if you were funny.

[A]

It makes the medicine go down, as they say.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, Mary.

[B]

Yeah. So I.

[A]

But that's very. That's unusual and very impressive that you were doing that. Were there any boys in that group? No.

[B]

Just because, like in the neighborhood, remember back in the day, parents weren't dropping you for a play date.

[A]

No, I know, I know.

[B]

You either got on a bike and went to a neighbor or you walked. You didn't you played with whoever was local. So next door on the right, we had a boy neighbor and we played with him all the time. We were kickball every day or football, whatever in the yard and we played with him. But like the stuff that we did was there was never boys. It was. I don't remember boys and girls really, really playing together back then. It was like either you were at school and there were boys in the play yard and then there was a lot of chasing and grabbing. Yeah. You remember that?

[A]

No, because I was the guy at age. Even when I was like 17, if I saw a group of 14, 15 year old girls, like three of them was a group walking towards me on the same side of the street I would cross.

[B]

You were afraid of the gaggle of girls?

[A]

Terrified.

[B]

Were you tall back then?

[A]

I was. I was 6 foot and 100, I think 20 pounds.

[B]

It's not a deterrent. Do you have that face

[A]

you. Probably. But I also.

[B]

They liked you then.

[A]

Yeah, but I also had. It looked like I had swallowed a grenade and somehow survived. My teeth were going in every direction and.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes. And as a freshman at Stanford, I. I'd see a girl across the room. The girl would see me across the room, she'd smile, I'd smile, and then she'd flinch and turned away. The biggest, proudest moment of my life was when I went to a dentist in Palo Alto who had just got back from Vietnam, who had been doing, sadly, hand grenades going off in people's mouths.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And he was the only one who said, sure, I can fix it. Literally changed my life.

[B]

See, this is what I should be doing in this interview, talking all sorts of nonsense about theater. Oh, God, that's funny.

[A]

So I did grow up with.

[B]

How old were you when the. When the grenade dentist changed your life? Eighteen.

[A]

Eighteen. Freshman at.

[B]

And then what? Did you lay waste after that?

[A]

No, I was.

[B]

I want to know what happened when you figured out what a hottie you were. I want to know.

[A]

Tell me that we can play this on loop later for like an ad or something. I won't go back too far because it's not necessary, but I was the guy who, literally. It sounds funny and it kind of is, but I would be. The woman would be girl standing opposite me naked. And I'd be going. I'd look over my shoulder and be like, you mean me? Literally. It took me until the second year of Cheers when I decided, you know what? Keep your mouth shut, Ted. Do not you know someone who always question your good fortune Sexy and so funny. The writing would be, or the reviews or something because the show hired very sexy looking women to look at Sam Malone and go, wow, he's sexy. I got that mantle and I finally learned to keep my mouth shut.

[B]

When you weren't on the set, like when you were out in the world,

[A]

when you weren't on the set and somebody would say something, I would go, no, I'd have to swallow it.

[B]

Okay, okay, I'm picking up what you're laying down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As an audience member in those early years, as a young woman, as a young, healthy American woman, I will say you're one. You're one. You were killing it. And by the way, it was. It's not just the women they put around you. It was, it was written and you were playing it. And I don't know if you were acting it, but you were selling it. I could get whatever I want to this day.

[A]

If I have a scene where I'm supposed to come on to somebody, I am. Which is fewer and fewer at this age, appropriately so. But nevertheless, maybe I'm breaking. I was about to say, you keep

[B]

writing it for me and I'm like, y', all, come on, stop.

[A]

Mary and I worked together last year. A couple falling in love. And. And she goes, we better. They better not have us kiss. It's just not right to have us kiss anyone. It's like we did and all of that.

[B]

But what, because you thought you guys are too old to kiss? Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What happens when you get. Listen, I'm not in a relationship, so you're gonna have to hit me to it.

[A]

Not in life are we too old.

[B]

But Wednesday at 7:30, just be in bed and I'll get on it. And then we'll both get into it at some point.

[A]

No, but on camera.

[B]

Okay. I was kind of hoping that it was. That's all I have time for, Ted. Like, I'll catch up. Let's just start. I'll get there.

[A]

It does get different. I will say that. Yeah.

[B]

Long term relationship.

[A]

Same.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't remember. Anyway, I wanted to say that about the beginning of your idea of yourself, right. That they wrote it and then you slid into it and then there was something else I wanted to say. It completely has gone out of my head. So. Nevermind.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

Something else will come out.

[A]

We will stop when you think of it and drop back down.

[B]

Appreciate it. I won't be able to. I'm not really paying attention to anything you're saying. Right now. Because I'm trying to. I'm going back. I'm following the breadcrumbs.

[A]

Okay. Before we get to Abbott elementary, which is. Oops, I'm sliding into it. Brilliant.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

And Jimmy Burrows used to say that every five or six years, the critics. The world declares half hour comedy dead. And then something comes along. And you're one of those something came along shows. That is brilliant. But let's put that on hold. I wanna go back. That's stupid. We're here. We're gonna go back to your standup in a minute.

[B]

Okay, that sounds good.

[A]

Tell me about that. I had the pleasure of talking to Quinta, who is just a delight. A delight. A rock star. Beautiful, smart, wise, powerful. All of those things. And that's her. That show is her. I know you have a room full of writers, I'm sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And they're all great. And many have a connection to or themselves, have been educators. And, you know, my mother was a teacher in D.C. a Sicilian teacher in D.C. in an urban school. So I pulled some of mine from her, from my experience. But Quinta. The wonderful thing about what Quinta did. And I remember what I was gonna say before, so don't let me forget. The wonderful thing about Quinta and our experience on the show is that when I was busy doing my first shows, the mechanism for putting together half hour television was almost entirely focused on the showrunner. And by the way, there are brilliant showrunners out there. And that's great. And that's wonderful. Unless it comes from someone else's experience. And when it comes from someone else's, like my shows were. I really wanted a show that reflected the experience of women from my generation that were basically my standup act was people think, you know, women think we're supposed to have it all and we can't. And this is why we're bitches. Not just once a month, but all the time. Because we were sold a bill of goods. And you gotta raise a family, find a cure for cancer, have a flat stomach. I can't do it all. And I'm a bitch because of. Was funnier when I did it.

[A]

No, no, don't worry.

[B]

Yes, but that was the concept. And I wanted a show that was half at work, half at home. And just getting that when sort of the entire idea behind half hour television is you are either a family show or you're a workplace show. Something that was both is brand new. And I mean, we were incredibly successful, especially for the time. I think we have between 15 and 21 million viewers a week.

[A]

You die for now.

[B]

Die for. You die for five.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So different time. What Quinta was able to do, and I want to make sure, I say with the whole buy in of Warner Brothers and abc, Disney, abc was have her voice be reflected and her experience of this school in West Philly. And they were smart enough to go, she knows that world. Let her build it. And she was really clear on the characters. I think she took a lot of advice from, you know, Justin and Patrick. Patrick Schumacher, Justin Halburn are the other writing producers on the show. Randall Einhorn, who was instrumental in creating the style of shooting the Office using different camera. Instead of my side, your side, it's cameras going at once. And the difference with our show is three cameras moving as we move. Which is why I think part of the success is this incredible ensemble cast that I'm lucky enough to work with every day. It is there.

[A]

Well, you got awarded the fact that you are an amazing ensemble.

[B]

Yeah. We got the SAG award for ensemble. But there's not a bum in the lot. Everybody is top of their game. So that when we all work together or whatever mix they put, it just works. And that's something you can't. I mean, you can plan it. It's great casting. It's Wendy o' Brien and the decisions that Quinta made. But all of that, I think we get a product at the end of it that is joyful. It feels real because of the way we shoot it. My reaction to what you just did is real. Chris Perfetti does a physical bit, 12 takes in that he never did before.

[A]

And we're all like, you can respond in time.

[B]

Yeah. Like, oh, Heidi, come on. And then we all know by now it's not scripted. He does that, and I'll look to camera or Tyler will look to camera. All of that is just kind of part of our. It's part of the DNA of the show now. And I think that the reaction that people have, if I'm going to dial it way off of the technical and into why people respond. It's the same reason why people, when they ask me, what are your top 10 favorite sitcoms of all time? Cheers is on that because there is something about the magic of people who work beautifully together.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

The setup is something we understand, and we, you know, are rooting for these two to get together or this one to have a win or all of that, and it makes you feel good, and they feel like family at the end of the day. You gotta want to invite these people into your home every week. I remember telling Quentin the first week when we were shooting the pilot, if only teachers watch us, we'll be a hit, a monster. But everybody's gone to school. You either have kids in school, you've gone to school yourself. Maybe you're an educator, but the experience is something that we all have done. Right.

[A]

So as long as you're reflecting it in some honest. Which you guys do.

[B]

Yeah. And I think there's always been a call for us to get rough, get more into the unpleasant side of it, and be reflective of some of the really scary stuff like shootings. And Quinta has always said this is an escape. This is. Sometimes we do episodes that are purely ridiculous, which I find fun. I think it's. They're weird and I enjoy them. But she's just. She's brilliant.

[A]

Yeah. And all of you have so much earned life weight behind your work. That makes it really fun to watch.

[B]

Thank you. What a nice way to put it. Thank you. I remember what I was going to say before. Can I tell you?

[A]

Bringing it back to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, go.

[B]

So. Yes, but really not.

[A]

Oh, shoot.

[B]

I'm bringing it back to what I was saying about you and being a beautiful, sexy man on this show and how you did not feel it. You just started to kind of as if it. And then I don't know if it changed for you internally at some point. I know for a fact that I on stage as a comic, which is the reason that I got the offers to star in shows. And then in my work since then. I mean, certainly there are parts where this doesn't come into play. Chessie and the Parent Trap is one of them. But in other projects that I've done, the character is supposed to be very sexy. And I purposefully over sexualized, even on stage standup at a time when women were being told, don't show. And I was literally told, don't wear a short dress. Don't show cleavage. Wear something that covers your body or they won't hear your words.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

I didn't know I was even. Thank you. But I said, what are you. This is part of the package. It's part of the power. You know, I'm not going to de sex myself because you can't hear me. This is part of who I am. And I never had that problem. All right. A couple of times I had that problem where they just hooted and hollered, I'm sorry.

[A]

Remind me what you're talking About?

[B]

I'm talking about doing stand up, you silly dude.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

I was talking about doing stand up and having them woo, take it off. And then I'd have funny lines to hit them back with. Heckler responses. But I remember one time I was on stage and it was a bunch of bachelor parties. They were all screaming. It was in Connecticut and they were losing their minds. And I was just like, no, I don't have to work so hard. I just turned around three times. I was like, go ahead. It's just 10 minutes of material I don't have to do. But yeah, I never felt like that sexy person. Although I was told years later, part of the reason why you got those job offers is you're just smoking body. I never thought of myself as that.

[A]

Hey, I'll, you know, whatever. Whatever gets you hired. In my mind's great fair. I recall. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I. I think the joy of getting older is to be able to say either literally or know it. If you hire me, you're getting all of me. I'm not gonna show up and cut half of myself off, you know?

[B]

And why would you?

[A]

Why would you?

[B]

Yeah, okay, so I had a teacher at arena program. I heard they talk about you. Yeah, yeah. So he's a great, great teacher, great actor. And he also taught at Catholic University of America, which is where I went to school. She had a great drama department. Not because I was so Catholic, but Stanley Anderson was his name. And he taught at arena at the workshop. And I remember doing something. I was doing a scene from a play and we had to talk about it afterwards. And he said, what happened to the girl who came in day one and bent over at the waist and was having everybody laugh? And you were in high heels and wearing something hot pink and you had everybody laughing about your big ass. Where's that girl? And I went, this is drama. We're doing Tennessee Williams. And he said, do you think you're fat? I was like, yes. He was a little bit heavy. He said, do you think you're sexy? I was like, I don't know, maybe. He's like, do you think you're funny? I was like, yeah. He said, do you think I'm funny? I said, uh huh. He goes, do you think I'm fat? I was like, oh, dude, come on. Do you think I'm sexy? I was like, well, y' all kind of do. He said, let me tell you something. You are all those things and all the other things that you've ever thought about yourself. And you are an actor, so use it. All of it, always.

[A]

Wow. What amazingly smart advice.

[B]

Yeah. And I thought, oh, yeah.

[A]

I mean, what else are you gonna use? Actually, when you think about it?

[B]

I got nothing else. Yeah, there you go.

[A]

Isn't it great being an actor?

[B]

Yeah, it's really fun.

[A]

It is.

[B]

What's your favorite thing to do, though? Is it acting or putting things together?

[A]

There's no more in my life other than hanging out with my wife and my kids.

[B]

Okay. So you don't ever think, let me write something or direct something or produce something.

[A]

The other side of my brain, that instead of writing, directing, producing, whatever. Which I will never do. I've tried it, but no. Is science. So I hang out with scientists. I make speeches. I'm going to Spain day after tomorrow for a board meeting because we're all over the world.

[B]

Ocean stuff.

[A]

It's called Oceana. And it's the world's largest ocean advocates group. That's great.

[B]

Save us, man. Save us.

[A]

Really? Talk about backtracking. Sadly, in this country, at least. But we're all over the world, so there is hope. Did you listen to the astronomers last night when they were coming back?

[B]

No.

[A]

From the moon?

[B]

No.

[A]

The whole message was, let us remind you how blessed we are. We're the only little thing in the middle of this universe, and it's a beautiful planet that sustains us and we all need to take care of it.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, are we really the only thing?

[A]

Well, from their visual standpoint, enough so that you. No, I don't think so, but enough so. It's not an easy commute, I think. Fair or. Yeah, we can blow this off because we're all going to be imprinted on a ship or something.

[B]

I have a theory. I know you were getting ready to ask something else. I have a theory that all these billionaires. I mean, not rich people like you and me, I should say rich people like you. All these billionaires that are trying to go to space and do space tourism and all the stuff that they're doing, I think they're onto something. I don't think it's an accident that all of a sudden they're talking about, oh, yeah, no, there are extraterrestrials. Yeah, there's aliens. We know about them. Yeah, yeah, they've been here. We know. We didn't tell you because we thought you'd be scared. I don't think it's an accident that they are saying that at the same time these billionaires are going to space. I think They've sold Earth. I think that they have sold Earth as tenant occupied, and they're all making their plan to go somewhere else and they're gonna leave us here. And at some point, the aliens wouldn't be wonderful. Well, I mean, they all leave us here. The aliens are okay with us. Us being here. If the aliens aren't trying to, like, evict us, we're all right.

[A]

Isn't it wonderful that I don't give a shit?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I care about today. I care about what we've been given and trying to, you know, make it better and all of that. But any kind of conspiracy thought or question about all of that, I don't really care. I'm all right.

[B]

Okay. That's good.

[A]

And I'm okay if it's true. Yeah, I'm okay. Whatever.

[B]

I like finding stuff out, too. That's what I.

[A]

Are we finding out, though, recently, isn't it becoming clearer and clearer that there have been aliens?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean. I mean, smart, wise people whose political careers would go down the toilet are saying it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. 100%. And I think there's a lot more stuff that they know that they're not telling us, and I'm okay with that, too. There's some stuff that I don't need to know. I don't need to know how many or if they're still here.

[A]

Your job is still to get up every morning and try to be kind to as many people as you can

[B]

and be hopeful and specifically in my case, make them laugh and have a good time, which I can't think of a better job than that.

[A]

No.

[B]

One of the reasons that I enjoy doing standup and the TV show as well, but the thing that I love about anything that's on stage and, like, the reason I decided to go back and do Heather's is there's an immediacy with an audience that's right in front of you. I remember the feeling of being on stage as a teenager. What were you doing? Feel her on the roof. I just wanted to be in the chorus. I wanted to do one show because by that time I was already playing the matriarch, the, you know, talking like this or whatever it was. I was already doing that. And I just wanted to be, like, young and in a fruity dress for the Music man and kick my heels up. And now there I am on stage, socks in my waistline for pendulous breasts, playing yenta at 16. But I made them laugh and cry. And I remember the feeling of being on that stage and thinking, I never want to do any. I want to make people feel. Feel. This is what I want to do. And it's a gift to me. And I love making people feel a little bit better. I feel like if people have a purpose, that's mine.

[A]

Yeah. One of the benefits to the world is you're creating community. And community is a harder and harder commodity to come by. But people get up, leave their house and their TVs and their screens and go watch you perform and laugh and have a community, a sense of togetherness. You do. When you walk into a theater and you look around at the audience, there is a sense of, look where we are.

[B]

Yeah. And there's a science to, like, making people laugh or everybody. Or everybody sharing an emotion at the same that we're manipulating them into, you know, but, you know, by whatever you're doing, that feeling, that ride, you know, I can be on a stage doing standup in particular. There's a science to a laugh starting at the front of the room and working its way to the back, and you see it like a wave. And then if you're good at your job, you can milk it and it can come back the other way and you can milk it a third time and you can just. It just goes and goes and it's.

[A]

And if you're really good, you won't break into giggles when there's no laughter.

[B]

No, correct.

[A]

That was there the night before.

[B]

Yes. Yes, correct. Because it's a different. For whatever reason at that moment in the play or whatever or in my act is hit. Different. Every show is different. And that's the fun part that we started talking about, that it's live, it's now, it's different from the thing I did last night.

[A]

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[B]

My kids are. Oh God, I feel so old when I say it.

[A]

How old are your twins?

[B]

The twins are 25. The daughter is the one getting her PhD in psychology. Thank God somebody in the family is doing it.

[A]

Yeah, we have an in house and it's great.

[B]

It's great, right? She's 32 and my oldest will be, he's 37 now. He's 38 in September.

[A]

Do they come to your standup?

[B]

Yeah. Jordan, my oldest was a baby when I, like I said, I moved to New York to be an actress. I was always afraid to audition because we'd had somebody come down from. I won't say her name. She was casting director for soap operas and she came down to speak to the school because I guess she went there and she was really strict, you know, she looked at people and was like, something's wrong with your hair or you know, your voice is funny. Who did they tell their voice was funny? Susan Sarandon. She went to Catholic and we talked about it when we did the movie shall we dance together? And she said, they told me she actually has an actress voice. They told me on the last, the last thing that I did the Shakespeare class, they said, you voice is funny. I said, mine said, lose the weight. I was like, I was probably not even 120 pounds. What? Oh no, it Was rough on women. You had to be 10 pounds underweight. And then the woman came down from New York and she looked at everybody like a cattle call. I don't even remember if I saw her, but she was like, oh, this one has to lose weight. And I was so afraid, secondhand from what she said to people that I just went to New York and was like, okay, well, when I'm skinny, I'll go audition. I'm never gonna be skinny. So I went the other way. I got pregnant. Cause that I did very well. Yeah, often. So I had him. And that was around the time that my friends started saying to me. All my friends from the program that were in New York were like, you should be doing standup. It was the height of the comedy boom. And they were like, you should really be doing this. And like I said, I didn't know that many women who did it. Like, they were the few that you saw on television. And I said, well, I know what I would talk about would be different from what I'm hearing. They're doing, like, set up punchline. I want to do more like the comics that I loved when I was a kid, which was Richard Pryor and George Carlin and people that were doing stories. Yeah, yeah. Characters, experience like that. So I had a friend, my two friends from Catholic were like, you need to do it. One of them said, I'm giving you a date. You have to do it by. You have to promise me, and I'll be there with you, but you have to do it by this date. And I took about a year, and I got together almost an hour of material for the very first time I ever got on stage.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And when they only give you three minutes. And I started doing the material. And the guy who ran that room was a tiny room right around 27th street in New York. And the guy was giving me the stretch. And I wound up doing about 15 minutes. And then I stopped. But I was killing. I don't know if I ever would have done it again. I was terrified. That scared. The first time you ever get on stage, do you stand up?

[A]

I can't imagine.

[B]

Because it's not just. You can't blame a playwright or other actors. It's huge.

[A]

And the feedback is immediate.

[B]

Immediate right there. And it's New York. So it's ha ha or you suck. Yeah, get off. So it's, you know, doing 15 minutes and having this very small audience, but the comics laugh was, you know, that was adrenaline. That was like, oh, I want to feel like this all the time. And then. Yeah, and then I don't think I ever died for about another couple of years. Couple of years before the first time I ever died on stage, I did Showtime at the Apollo as a Featured ACT within 6 months of ever doing stand up.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Cause that's hardcore.

[B]

Yeah, but, I mean, I grew up in D.C. you know, I'm like, the demographics of the room didn't worry me, although I was the only white person.

[A]

They're very much yay or nay.

[B]

Yes. And here's the thing. What they told me was, you're featured. You're not amateur at the. The amateur at the Apollo or Amateur Hour at the Apollo was a segment of the show that happened towards the end. But what they did was they did all of that stuff kind of together as a block after they shot all the shows that. With the. With the features. But the features could be. I think on my show, we had run dmc, there was another comic who was some guy out of Atlanta who was wearing a suit. And they told him, don't wear a suit. They already won't like you because you're from Atlanta and you wear a suit. They're gonna kill you. Because they keep the audiences for 15 hours. It's one audience. I don't know if they feed them or let them go to the bathroom or what, but if you're into the eighth hour of taping, they want to kill somebody. It doesn't matter you're featured or not. They booed that guy off stage, even though he was featured act. And I remember I was in makeup. I was upstairs. It was August. It was really humid at the Apollo Theater. They've got windows open, but it's humid. It's New York. And I've got white girl hair. And the guy doing my hair, bald, black, fabulous queen, picks up a brush and just starts brushing. I was like, no, my hair won't bounce back. And the TV is on, the monitor's on. And kind of out of one ear, as I'm trying to protect my stringy little hair, the guy goes, this comic is going, duh, Just let me finish. And I'm like, oh, he's doing so well. They won't even let him finish the setup.

[A]

No.

[B]

I go downstairs. Sinbad, who was hosting, said, well, they booed the black guy off here next, right after Run dmc.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So go on stage, grab the mic, real confident walk, you know, I'm like, I'm just gonna be funny like I am. It was a bit. I'm not gonna lie to you. I auditioned with this. This is something I said, this will never happen in real life. When I watch that movie Punchline with Tom Hanks.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And he was gonna audition for whatever the big thing was. And he was like, I'm gonna do an all new bit. And I went, never in the history of the world. When I auditioned for Showtime at the Apollo, it was with a bit that I literally thought of on the way home from New York the night before with my then husband, who was my manager. And I'm like, I just thought of a bit. I'm gonna do it for the audition. And he was like, you're crazy. You can't do a bit you've never done in front of people for this booker. And I was like, no. I could see it in my head. I could see the whole thing. It's gonna kill. And I did it and it killed. And so that was part of it. It was this whole black and white cheerleader thing. And I was doing a bit about rap. It was a dumb bit, but it was funny. It was funny. And it was of the time. It was talking about Tone Loke wild thing and how they do the wild thing everywhere. And the mother's like, I was once young like you. I like to do the wild thing too. Yeah, this happens. My Italian mother caught me stupping in the middle of her living room floor. I don't think poetry would be her first reaction. That was the idea of the bit. But they started to boo a little bit. They're there hour 10. And so it started to pick up and I went, I have to survive. This is not going to happen. I'm not getting booed off. They could do it to that guy. Not going to happen to me. And so I said. I looked up and it had not gotten to the balcony yet. It just started to pick up in the house. And I went, well, the guys in the balcony like me. Cause they're the ones that can see my tits. I didn't care if it made it on tv. I didn't care if they had to bleep it. I didn't care about. I didn't care if they took my whole set out. I'm not losing in this room ever since I got the mice. And so they. The mom who used to be the person right up front center, she was this little old lady that was always there for every show. They called her mom. She threw herself out of her seat onto the ground. Four other people, as we say back home, fell out. And nobody could believe that this little white girl, this little housewife, had taken on the crowd at the Apollo like that. And then I killed.

[A]

Not only is it funny to say that. Cause it's startling, but the fact that you took them on. Yeah, you must have loved it. Wow.

[B]

It was instinct, I think, because it's not like something I'd ever said. And never had the cause to say anything like that. It was like, I have to live and I gotta do it right now. And so I think I'd make a really good astronaut. I don't know. Making decisions in the moment that are life and death. Call em.

[A]

They're taking calls like they did last night.

[B]

They need me to call them anyway, so that was that. You didn't even ask me.

[A]

I don't know why I'm so glad, because it's so. Cause it's like for me as an actor, it's like listening to war stories in a way. It's like you did that. It's theater, live theater. You go out and you have a drink or something afterwards and reminisce about the scary moment you just had as a group. So this is wonderful.

[B]

I remember and this was very prevalent in those days of standup. In particular, there were gigs I would go to, they would. It was rough, man, it was rough. There was no women on the road. If you were on the road, the bookers or the other comics were trying to sleep with you. And if you did, you were a whore. And if you didn't, you didn't get rebooked. It was rough for women. I remember the people going to pay me on several gigs, not just one where they'd have the money out. Cause it was cash. Most of them were laundering operations, right? So they'd have cash out. And the next thing I knew, a hand would be down my shirt or up my dress. And I'm like, where'd the money go? I just saw was a war zone. They're trying to pay you in cocaine. I'm like, I got kids at home, what are you talking about? But it was a really prevalent coping mechanism, I guess when people were trying to be funny and come up with ideas. And there's a lot of drugs and a lot of drinking. And now I think about it and I think, how did I ever. Cause I was pretty cautious around like drinking before I got on stage. I didn't want to fumber my words or anything, but I would always have a drink before I got on stage. If there was three shows in one night, three drinks, one before. Every time I got on stage, but, like, people got plato. And now I'm just thinking, how did we ever perform? Being wasted, It's a little crazy.

[A]

God, I have so much respect.

[B]

But I've been sober 25 years, so it's not an issue.

[A]

Sober in that you went after it or you just decided to mosey on from having a drink?

[B]

I think both. My body changed, and I could not tolerate alcohol and be okay the next day. Like, I just felt like shit. I just did not feel well. So I did not want. My mother had a drinking issue after my parents split up, and she was really, really sad. And her mother had just died six months before, and she was. It destroyed her. So she was emotionally wrecked, and I became kind of her caretaker. And she had a period of years where it was a lot, way too much, and it was scary to me, and I didn't want my kids to go through that. So I figured, like, it's just better if I stop. And it's.

[A]

How old were you?

[B]

34. Ish. 34, 35.

[A]

So with grown kids or. Ish. Grown young kids.

[B]

Yeah, they weren't grown yet. I think the oldest was probably 12. 10 or 12. Something like that.

[A]

Yeah. Good for you. I can't anymore. I mean, I will have a glass of wine periodically, but periodically means, like, certainly not when I'm working, because when I'm working, I'm already playing a man or two down. You know, I need all hands on deck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you just don't want to do that.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I just like the fact that everybody tells me how good my skin is.

[A]

You do have good skin. I'm so sorry. I didn't know if it's appropriate.

[B]

No, thank you.

[A]

Can I just. No, that'd be wrong.

[B]

What do you want to grab? Eyelash?

[A]

Just your cheek.

[B]

Oh, here. Pliable.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. I have moist, plump skin. That's also because of fat.

[A]

You know what I said before? I was looking at your standup and all that and preparing. And I said, ted, do not think that you can run with the big boys. Do not banter with her.

[B]

What? You killed me before. That was hilarious. What? You were telling me the story about the teeth. I'm dying.

[A]

That wasn't banter. That was the sad truth of my life.

[B]

Well, to you, to comics. That's a bit. That's a hunk.

[A]

Yeah. Tell me what you're doing with. Sorry. I want to get it right again. A woman who's been paying attention. Are you. Are you. Is it political? Can I ask.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can ask. Yeah, I've been.

[A]

Wait, let's push it. When is this coming out?

[B]

May 15th on Hulu. On Hulu. And it is shot in Philadelphia and it was shot at a club, which is unusual now for standup specials. They're generally shot in a theater, which makes it easier for production. I understand why people do it, but. Because when I came to la, I had like an hour and a half, a solid hour and a half of. I knew where the applause breaks were, the withstanding o breaks were. I knew where everything. I knew. I knew my hour and a half. And I never shot a special back then. That's when I should have done it. Cause I was good. And I was one of the only women doing it with that kind of energy. I was not. And they're lovely. It was just not my style to be reserved. And Rita Rudner or Paula Poundstone. That was not what I did. I did, you know, and that was unusual for a female comic. And worked blue, which a lot didn't. We were told that was another thing. Oh, we don't let women work blue here. And so you couldn't curse at all. And I'm like, you know, sometimes a well placed F bomb is what that needs. That joke or that idea. And a lot of the stuff that I talked about always were things that I had to say. And I think. Did I say this earlier, that I wanted to do standup because Bill Cosby did his. Yeah. So the stuff that I had to say, a lot of it was stuff about kind of the experience of being a woman. Just because we hadn't. I hadn't heard it. I heard jokes about my husband, Fang, and believe me, I love Phyllis Diller. Getting to meet her, she did artwork for me. And on the back, said to a fellow female comic. And I like, I wanna hang it backwards so people can see that. But I didn't do that. I did real stuff. And my point of view had always been very pro female. I mean, feminist to a certain extent, but also kind of truthful. Just truth telling. And yeah, always I did that. And in fact, the time period in my life where I kind of didn't do standup was because the joke version is, I have four kids, two ex husbands. First ex husband, lovely Jewish man. Turns out we had too much in common. He also liked men. Second husband, a cheater. Not technically a religion, but he practiced it like it was. So I told sort of the truth about where I was with the family. They were teenagers or whatever. And the first husband, after he came out to me, said, I don't want the kids to know because I think they'll think differently about me. I think our son will have a different idea of manhood. This is a different time, remember?

[A]

I totally get it. How old was your son when he said that?

[B]

My son would have been like 10, 11.

[A]

Well, God bless your ex husband, because he's right, I think, you know, you're struggling to find your own.

[B]

Yeah, listen, I was already when he told me people, you know, some people went all the way to only think about, you know, oh, how brave. And which to me, I was like, you know, I was in there too, thinking that my marriage was something. But I was never mad at him because I understood that where he came from, from his life experience and the people he grew up around, he didn't feel comfortable with and how hard that must be to not get to be fully who you are and to be with who you wanna be with. And so of course, I respected what he asked, but I felt weird doing standup because it was hiding such a big part of.

[A]

Yeah. Your experience.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Your story too.

[B]

Right. Of the truth. So I didn't do it for a number of years. And then the second one, the cheater didn't think I should do standup because he said it wasn't feminine, which I kind of supported earlier in this interview. But he said I should do it. I'm the funny one. And I'm like, tell one joke on stage, mofo, one time. Be brave enough to get on the stage and put it all on the line. It's not for sissies. No. So I think that once I got past all of that and I really embraced it after having the twins and we split up, me and the second baby daddy, we split up and I went back in. I was just gung ho. I was gonna say everything that I thought. And so the part of me that is in the act, definitely, I talk about things like a little bit about where we are in the country with politics, but it's stuff that I've always thought. It's just things are changing. So there's a whole bit about heartbeat laws and stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah, it does blow my mind that what was so hard fought, then there's a period of taking it for granted and then people forget.

[B]

Yeah. And not even just taking it for granted. If it was just taking it for granted, I don't think my generation, and I'm not the first generation of women's right activists. Right. There was a whole bunch of people before me. The bras had already been burnt by the time I came on and marching as a little kid. And certainly it was not popular to call yourself a feminist. In junior high in the D.C. suburbs in the early 70s, the boys are like, why do you want to use a man's bathroom? Why do you hate men? Why do you, you know, I'm like, no, I want you to like me. I don't hate you. Um, I just don't understand why we are not getting equal pay for the same job. Like, that's weird to me. Cause my experience was my mother went to work after my parents split up and she was responsible for us financially. Like, I didn't understand why we were still. Cause remember, like, women couldn't even get a credit card until another 10 years after, you know, they, they had split up. So I watched a lot of this stuff firsthand and was an activist for it. So that by the time I got on stage to talk about it, I just did it from a point of view of this is what makes sense,

[A]

which is not a peculiar. I mean, that's the truth.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's not logical for it to be anything else. It's not fair. It's not a lot of things, but it makes literally no sense. And it's self defeating for men.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I mean, sort of the things that they are to say that they want. Like you want women to be emotionally and sexually available, and then the second they are, you're mad at them and they're whores or you want their body count or you're, you know. Why, why, why are you so needy emotionally? Well, I mean, the, the biological imperative reason why women are needy with a relationship is we can die in childbirth. That's the reason we have to equate sex with love. Because our body knows that we are ostensibly putting our health and risking our lives every time we have sex because it can result in a baby. And there are a lot of states where they're making that even more. This is hilarious, by the way. This, my, my bits about it are a lot funny, a lot funnier than that. But yeah, it's telling truths like that. I think at least now it's a little bit more acceptable if you're online at all. You see rage everywhere you go. She sees it. You see rage everywhere you go. If that's what your algorithm is feeding you, women are pissed. And it's because they're going, wait, what do you mean? We're losing that? Right? You would have no idea the number of women that I have talked to in the last six, seven years that didn't know that we were not guaranteed equal rights under our constitution because they won't publish the era. It's passed in enough states, it's been ratified. Virginia was the last one that was 38. But the archivist for the Congress refuses to publish it. So I have my own pocket constitution and a stamp with the 28th amendment, and I stamp it in there, but it is. It's not officially guaranteed. And now all of a sudden women are like, wait a minute. And I'm like, yeah, all those years you spent wanting to copy Kardashians and talking about, girl, just get the bag. Just get a rich man to pay for shit. Undoing everything that we have been doing for decades, that we marched for and fought for, died for. And now you're just like, just sit back and be a. I don't know, a handmaiden. Like, what are you doing? Now all of a sudden they're paying attention because they're risking their lives again. See, back in the old days, they also move now.

[A]

So each family, or at least married couple, the man will vote.

[B]

Well, that's a save act. Yeah. So I don't know. We just heard John Fetterman now is saying he won't vote for it because it's not just here write this thing to make sure that you're, you know. By the way, the problem that it's supposed to solve, which is illegals voting, has happened eight times. Yeah, but as opposed to all the women that now have to try to get a passport and show their birth. It's insane. But talking about it, the people say, no, you don't want to talk about it because you sound angry. That's why I'm saying, doing what I do in a funny way, at least people can hear it because in the old days when we did it, they'd burn us as witches. But we're at an hour and a half.

[A]

You cannot say witches. That's why we cut. You can't say witches.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. Everything else was fine.

[A]

You're the best. I hope you're. Oh, you're such a. I never got to the question. I hope your kids are just fucking delighting in you.

[B]

And they're really good kids.

[A]

Good.

[B]

They're really good kids. And they're good to each other. Even more important.

[A]

That's it. Hold my hand, hold my hand.

[B]

Hold my hand. Look, we'll do it like this.

[A]

Perfect length fingernails.

[B]

Thank you. Any longer would be they are. It's called builder gel.

[A]

Builder gel.

[B]

Builder Gel. And not like Build a Bear. It's builder gel. These are not my nails. I bit my nails my whole life.

[A]

I won't talk about mine.

[B]

I have an oral fixation. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me and my oral fixation. It's been such a pleasure.

[A]

It has been. Thank you.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, the tall and very

[A]

handsome Ted Danson with his fixed teeth. That was Lisa Ann Walter. Her new special on Hulu is called It Was an Accident. Make that your appointment viewing this weekend. That's it for this week. Special thanks to Team Coco. If you've enjoyed this episode, send it to a loved one rate and review on Apple Podcasts. If you're in a good mood once again, you can watch our full length video [e-mail] teamcoco see you next time. Where everybody knows your name.

[B]

You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows yous Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson Sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Leow. Our executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and myself. Sarah Fedorovich is our supervising producer. Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with

[A]

support from Eduardo Perez.

[B]

Research by Alyssa Grohl. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Bautista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Antony Yen, Mary Steenbergen and John Osborne. The essential avocado and banana smoothie made with ripe avocado, frozen bananas, organic almond milk and a generous spoonful of your favorite protein powder. Fueling busy mornings, countless workouts and the occasional zoom meeting. That should have been an email. The essential energy boost made possible by Vitamix. Only the essential

[A]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[B]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no.

[A]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Together. We're married.

[B]

Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[A]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[B]

Liberty. Liberty.

[A]

Liberty.

[B]

Liberty.