Valerie Bertinelli

Summary

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Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (Sometimes)

Episode: Valerie Bertinelli
Release Date: May 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson welcome actress, author, and Food Network star Valerie Bertinelli. The conversation centers around Valerie’s 50-year career, her personal journey toward self-acceptance, overcoming shame and grief, and the ‘quiet work’ of becoming "perfectly imperfect." The trio delves into lessons learned from Hollywood, relationships, and mental health—unpackaging both the joys and the struggles of being deeply human.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Crossing Paths in Hollywood and Career Longevity

• Opening Reflections: Ted, Woody, and Valerie marvel that despite parallel paths and shared collaborators (like legendary director Jimmy Burrows), they've never formally met until now.

  • "I love somebody sizably younger than me, has a sizably longer career than I do." — Ted Danson (02:53)

• Shared Mentors: Valerie recalls being shielded as a young star on "One Day at a Time" by Norman Lear and others, while Ted credits Jimmy Burrows for “co-creating” his portrayal of Sam Malone in Cheers.

  • "I performed for Jimmy...If Jimmy wasn't there directing, I was almost at a loss on how to play Sam Malone." — Ted Danson (04:35)

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2. Hollywood Connections, Hot in Cleveland, And Show Biz Nostalgia

• Hot in Cleveland Family: Valerie reflects on working with “icons” like Betty White, Jane Leeves, and Wendie Malick and knowing to savor the experience in the moment.

  • "I knew every day when I woke up, I went, ah, I get to go to work. I lived in the moment, and I'm so grateful. I still miss it." — Valerie Bertinelli (14:56)

• Betty White Stories: Ted and Valerie share memorable adventures with Betty, from drawing crowds at Boston’s aquarium to her boundless love for animals, including a wild octopus tale.

  • "We blended into the background because of Betty. People adored Betty." — Ted Danson (16:37)

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3. Personal Transformation, Trauma, and Therapy

• Surviving and Overcoming Shame: Valerie candidly discusses surviving childhood sexual abuse, the deep shame it caused, and the years of further layers it added as she tried to “numb” pain with food, alcohol, and work.

  • "The shame morphs into being layered upon shame, on shame, on shame...you just think you are a bad person." — Valerie Bertinelli (47:41)

• Therapeutic Healing: She details her experiences with EMDR and Dialectic Behavioral Therapy as transformative tools for processing trauma.

  • "EMDR helped me process it in a way that let my emotions not take over and just let my analytical mind walk through it so I could see that I'm safe, that I'm okay now." — Valerie Bertinelli (52:00)

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4. Love, Loss, and Imperfection

• Marriage to Eddie Van Halen: Valerie gives a nuanced account of meeting Eddie, their passionate but turbulent marriage, addiction struggles, raising their son Wolfgang, and Eddie’s long battle (and ultimate loss) with cancer.

  • "We had amazing good times and really tragic, scary hard times...Neither one of us was taking care of our childhood trauma." — Valerie Bertinelli (30:27)

• Life After Divorce: She describes her drive to support herself post-divorce, refusing alimony or child support out of fierce independence. Work on “Touched by an Angel” and other projects sustained her.

  • "I'm an incredibly independent person and I like to be, to a fault sometimes. But that's okay." — Valerie Bertinelli (33:07)

• On Grief and Joy: Ted and Valerie bond over the paradox that, often, a search for joy leads through pain and grief. They agree: “It’s exhausting to be perfect” and the beauty is in becoming "fully human."

  • "On your way searching for joy, you have to walk through all that grief." — Valerie Bertinelli (37:24)
  • "It was exhausting to pretend to be me." — Ted Danson (38:35)

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5. Radical Self-Acceptance and the “Quiet Work”

• Letting Go of Perfection: The group discusses the myth of perfect enlightenment or authenticity, poking fun at “truth-tellers” and emphasizing the lifelong, quiet work of simply being more deeply oneself.

  • "What is authentic? I'm the most me I've ever been. But could I be more me? I don't know." — Woody Harrelson (42:10)

• Managing Anxiety/Shame Today: Valerie shares concrete strategies learned in therapy: pausing to notice a feeling, naming it, and giving compassion to younger self—rather than numbing or shaming.

  • "Just by recognizing it, it starts to dissipate. Just recognizing a feeling that wants to be heard...is as challenging and as easy as that." — Valerie Bertinelli (49:03)

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6. Faith, Spirituality, and Moral Compass

• Rejecting Rigid Certainty: The trio discusses inherited faith traditions, skepticism of rigid dogmas, and ultimately the value of spirituality rooted in humility and openness.

  • "I hate certainty." — Ted Danson (42:36)
  • "There is no certainty...That's the whole thing about being human." — Woody Harrelson (42:37)

• On Heaven & Humanity: Valerie questions doctrines that exclude, instead centering her sense of goodness on actions and love.

  • "There’s millions…so only Christians get to go to heaven? I don’t understand that." — Woody Harrelson (43:54)

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7. Valerie's Current Projects and Looking Ahead

• Valerie's Place: She’s launched a digital cooking platform (soon-to-be app), hosts her own podcast "Getting Naked," and regularly appears on The Drew Barrymore Show, which she considers a “dream job.”

  • "I like staying. I like to rest really hard as well, but I like when I can be active." — Valerie Bertinelli (61:04)

• On Parenting: Valerie beams with pride over her son, Wolfgang, and the deep, unconditional love they share—grateful that despite struggles, he’s become a grounded, “good human being.”

  • "He is such an amazing human being...In spite of what Ed and I put that man through, he is such a good human being." — Valerie Bertinelli (55:53)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Becoming Fully Human:

  • "My headline for this day...My mother used to say...I hope that they become fully human. And I feel like...that is the journey you're on." — Ted Danson (06:00)
  • "Our life's purpose is to learn to love, to be, to feel what it is to be a human..." — Valerie Bertinelli (06:44)

• On Being Known:

  • "That's why I keep a tattoo that is just like, keep my heart open at all times." — Valerie Bertinelli (09:23)
  • "It's exhausting to be perfect." — Ted Danson (41:03)

• On Moving Through Pain:

  • "Sometimes it's the first word that comes about, is freeing—to let yourself feel the pain." — Valerie Bertinelli (55:42)
  • "Love is work...And it was very humbling and calming." — Ted Danson (54:26)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:26 – 06:44: Showbiz nostalgia, meeting mentors; becoming “fully human”
• 14:06 – 17:43: Hot in Cleveland & Betty White stories, octopus tale
• 30:27 – 33:07: Marriage to Eddie Van Halen; dealing with grief and trauma
• 37:24 – 42:43: Processing grief; the exhausting pursuit of perfection & authenticity
• 47:41 – 54:26: Healing from childhood trauma, EMDR & therapy; the liberation of self-acceptance
• 55:53 – 58:32: Parenting, unconditional love, inheriting and surviving complicated families
• 60:09 – 61:14: Valerie’s current creative projects, her digital platform, & looking ahead

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Reflective, open-hearted, humorous, and gently irreverent; the conversation weaves from light showbiz storytelling to moving revelations about loss, healing, and the arduous, everyday work of self-acceptance.

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For Further Exploration

• Valerie’s Book: Getting Naked: The Quiet Work of Becoming Perfectly Imperfect
• Website & App: ValeriesPlace.com
• Regular Appearances: The Drew Barrymore Show

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If you’re looking for wisdom, comfort, and a reminder that the best of life lies in embracing the mess—this episode is a generous, welcoming listen.

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Transcript

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Commercial Narrator]

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[Valerie Bertinelli]

I was like, okay, I gotta take care of this shame. Cause it's not doing me any good.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

Welcome back to where everybody knows your name. Today I'm talking to Valerie Bertinelli. She's an actor and TV host that we've all loved watching over the years. From One Day at a Time to Hot in Cleveland to her shows on the Food Network. Valerie stars in the upcoming Lifetime movie Love Again airing May 9. She has a book too called Getting the Quiet Work of Becoming Perfectly Imperfect. It's available for purchase now.

[Ted Danson]

She.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

She is wise and full of depth and I had the best time talking to her. So let's get to it. Here's Valerie Bertinelli.

[Ted Danson]

As we said earlier, we've never met each other.

[Woody Harrelson]

How is that possible?

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Cause you've been doing this how many decades?

[Ted Danson]

Well, did some movies and stuff before him, but cheers started in 82. Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

God. One Day at a Time was still on when Cheers came on. Yeah, that's. I don't remember that. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Ted Danson]

Norman Lear, your mentor.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes. I was very lucky that I was able to be that young in a business that harsh, which also has its good moments. But I was protected by Norman and Bonnie and Pat and everybody there.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So. So that was really nice. But that's crazy.

[Ted Danson]

I know, I know. It really is.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Well, so a lot.

[Ted Danson]

Wait, what year was that? Tell me.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

75 that we premiered.

[Ted Danson]

75.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Woody Harrelson]

So it's been 50 years.

[Ted Danson]

I love somebody sizably younger than me, has a Sizably longer career than I do.

[Woody Harrelson]

Sizably.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Woody Harrelson]

No.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Well, how old are you?

[Ted Danson]

78.

[Woody Harrelson]

Oh, okay. I'm 65. I'll be 66.

[Ted Danson]

That's sizable.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And it's not sizable.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

It's 13 years.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

It's a generation.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

We wouldn't have gone to the same high school. I kind of put that. Well, my first husband was five years older than me, and I never thought that was odd. So 5 isn't that much.

[Ted Danson]

But there will be many similarities in things that are different.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes.

[Ted Danson]

We've worked with a lot of the

[Valerie Bertinelli]

same people, but have never met.

[Ted Danson]

Wait, Jimmy Burrows, you mentioned.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love Jimmy Burrows because I just adore him. No director multiple times.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

On which.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

A couple different pilots. I don't think I ever got to go to series with him in anything. But very. A lot of pil. A lot. What's a lot? But what I love about Jimmy is. Cause I don't like. Please don't kiss my ass. That's all I ask. Tell me what you want, when you want it and where you want it. Just don't. You know? I know what the words are. I'm gonna stick to the. Because the writers are brilliant and he is that way. And if he doesn't like something, he goes, no, try that again.

[Ted Danson]

I know he does. I wish he would blow some smoke sometimes. He could be people who don't know him go, he's so grumpy. He's not grumpy.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

He's not grumpy at all.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

He's a cream puff.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

He's always the softest, little open bleeding heart. Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

When he. He directed.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Don't tell Jimmy I said that, though.

[Woody Harrelson]

I won't.

[Ted Danson]

He doesn't listen to anything I do. After Cheers, he, you know, he created me, so that's it. After that, slam the door. But he.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

I would perform.

[Ted Danson]

I realized in hindsight that I performed for Jimmy and if Jimmy wasn't there directing, I was almost at a loss on how to play Sam Malone. It was literally really. I felt like it was at least co created by Jimmy. My performances. I mean, obviously the show was co created, but.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Right. But after a while, I mean, it was in your bones. No, I mean, there was such a ease and a laissez faire about Sam that was just so easy and fun to watch.

[Ted Danson]

After a few years. When I look at the early. I feel like I didn't get it until about the third year because I was playing somebody who was a relief pitcher. Very cocky. Relief pitchers go in to save the day.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Did you think Sam was cocky?

[Ted Danson]

He was supposed to be.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh. Cause you made him so lovable.

[Ted Danson]

That was the great part about the writing. If you were a cocky, bar hopping frat brat, you loved Sam Malone. If you were very much in the women's movement, you also loved Sam Malone

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

because he was so clearly off base,

[Ted Danson]

so clearly wrong, you know? Anyway, back to you, as one does, when you have a podcast and you haven't met somebody or they're not in your life, you binge them. I binged you for.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Ted Danson]

No, it was. I am so glad I did. Let me give a headline for what I. I'm almost in tears by you in your life. My headline for the. For this day in my head is a phrase my mother used to say to me when people would ask her, what does she hope for her children, my sister and I? And she said, I hope that they become fully human. Which is a big phrase, sounds kind of easy on surface, but fully human. And I feel like after just barely skimming the surface of your book, of your life, that that is the journey you're on.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And that's our whole purpose, our life's purpose is to learn to love, to be, to feel what it is to be a human. That's how we're so lucky to be here, to experience being a human. To experience. And I'm just coming to this in these late years is the pain and the challenges and the. The difficulties and the. That's all a part of the human experience. And without that, the joy is blunted or numbed. The joy is so much more powerful because of the challenges that we all get to go through.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. One last thing before we start talking. I also want to give a shout out to Drew Barrymore because I watched the show where you, you know, you were. The book was coming out and I think it was the first time you talked in a big way about the book. And God bless her. She hums one of the sweetest notes in show business. You know, it is truly a caring, loving, up, joyful note. That's her. Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

She embodies all of that.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah, she is.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Purely, though. Thank you.

[Ted Danson]

So do you. And it was fun to watch the two of you who are clearly mates.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I adore her.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. And it's so strange to be able to be on her show because for the longest time, I was always a very big fan. And I remember a long, long, long time ago, before even ever after came out, which is one of my favorite movies. Of hers, maybe even of all. Um, I just was like, I would love to be her mother, and I'm only 15 years older than her, but that's a possibility.

[Ted Danson]

Possible.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

You know, it's always a possible possibility. I mean, my mom was 17 when she got pregnant, so. But I just had a feeling about her that I just. And I was so happy to be right. Cause I always. I want to believe the best in people all the time. That's what's kept me in some very stupid relationships, unfortunately. But I don't want to give that part of me up. And for the most part, I've been proven right that people do that. They deserve grace and they deserve. Because they really are naturally good. The few times that I've been proven wrong has been incredibly painful. But great lessons.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. And you don't. Yes. And you do not want to give that up.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Never. Because.

[Ted Danson]

No.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's why I keep a tattoo that is just like. Keep my heart open at all times.

[Ted Danson]

I mean, I listen to my sister pray for political figures that drive me up.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's a hard one.

[Ted Danson]

I know.

[Woody Harrelson]

I mean, I'm praying for something, but it ain't, you know, I'm praying for a headline right now. I know, but, you know, I don't drink anymore, but I'll open a bottle of champagne.

[Ted Danson]

But it's so hard to be, you know.

[Woody Harrelson]

God bless her, though.

[Ted Danson]

I know.

[Woody Harrelson]

I know.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

But there's something about maybe praying that they'll stop hurting so many people.

[Ted Danson]

Yes.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's the prayer.

[Ted Danson]

Yes, exactly. Okay. Meanwhile, the real work is what you've been doing in life. Really. I mean, we can't control everything around us, but you can control what it is.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

You're own behavior and your own actions. Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

I don't know where you. Do you want to start on the book? I mean, there's so many things to talk about with you.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I have been around a very, very long time.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. You're rubbing in my face now. Your career is longer and more barely.

[Woody Harrelson]

I started when I was like 12, so.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Woody Harrelson]

Well, how old were you when you started?

[Ted Danson]

Oh, Lord. 23, 24.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So, you know, I got 11 years on you.

[Ted Danson]

26. Something like.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

More and more.

[Ted Danson]

It's going up.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

There's so much to talk about. It's your acting career. I want to talk about your books. Food Network. Yeah. And now your website.

[Woody Harrelson]

I have a digital platform now that I absolutely love.

[Ted Danson]

Valerie's Place.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes, that's smart.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Because as you know, it is not easy to sell a show in this day. And Age. And I like to be creative. I like to stay creative. I love to cook, and I love

[Woody Harrelson]

to cook for people.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love to share recipes and I write cookbooks. But doing it on camera and doing two minute videos, 20 minute videos, 30 minute videos. I can do that now and share it with people.

[Ted Danson]

Okay, we're talking about Valeriesplace.com.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

yes. And soon to be an app. Soon to be an app.

[Ted Danson]

Now, can you put content in there? Meaning you can't put episodes of One Day at a Time.

[Woody Harrelson]

I don't know.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

We're gonna look into that, because all of my Food Network shows, all of the shows, Valerie's Home Cooking that was on Food Network for, I don't know, 14 seasons is on my website. So you can watch all of the old episodes.

[Ted Danson]

How wonderful. And was that a legal thing you had to do?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah, we had to.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah, we had to rent them.

[Ted Danson]

Gotcha. But why wouldn't they want. It feeds people back to the Food Network.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

It was a lot of money. Cause he bought Warner Brothers. So he went to.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, yikes. Another conversation.

[Woody Harrelson]

Nothing's making a lot of money off of. I'm not bitter at the way this business is being manipulated and bought by a bunch of rich men. And then they sell it off in pieces.

[Ted Danson]

I'm getting long letters of we need to sign on to things regarding that particular merger.

[Woody Harrelson]

Anyway, sorry, I didn't come in here

[Valerie Bertinelli]

to rile your goat, if that's an expression.

[Ted Danson]

I am an old goat.

[Woody Harrelson]

You are a goat.

[Ted Danson]

I'm not a goat.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes, you are. I'm just an old goat. I mean, I've seen your shows. Yes, you are.

[Ted Danson]

Leonardo DiCaprio. He's been very supportive of everything I've ever done in ocean advocacy. And he once said to me, you're the goat. And I thought, fuck, why would you say that? I am old. But I kind of walked away depressed, and he was giving me this great compliment.

[Woody Harrelson]

You sound like Meryl Streep. Because Meryl Streep was told that she's the goat. And she's like, why is everyone calling me a goat? It's like the greatest of all time. It's a little too hairy.

[Ted Danson]

Okay. All right, so back to you.

[Woody Harrelson]

You notice that I'm just like. I definitely like squirrel. So I apologize for that.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

We can go off on all kinds of different.

[Ted Danson]

Don't you love that phrase? Squirrel?

[Woody Harrelson]

Squirrel, yes. That movie was so good. Oh, it is. Oh, Ed, I love that man.

[Ted Danson]

Did you work with him?

[Woody Harrelson]

I did.

[Ted Danson]

Tell me. I'm sorry. I should know.

[Woody Harrelson]

Ed.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Asner.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. But no. Where?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, on Hot in Cleveland. Hot in Cleveland.

[Ted Danson]

I'm jumping around, but what a wonderful show that is. And. All right, let's talk about Ed.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Let's talk about Betty, Jane Lee, Wendy Malik. I mean, icons, all three of them.

[Ted Danson]

And it was. I've often said, oh, I hope I get to do another cheers moment or something so that I can really go, oh, this is special, and celebrate it. And you did the same thing. And that was kind of your. I knew where I am, and I'm gonna soak it all up.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I knew. And this was a big, like, jump in maturity, I think, for me, in knowing this doesn't happen a lot. Okay. It happened with One day at a time, which was decades before this. I started Hunt in Cleveland in 2010, and in fact, we shot the ad campaign on my 50th birthday, which is, like the best. I love working when I'm on my birthday. But I knew you don't get to work with Betty White every day. I had known Jane for 20 years by that time, and she was a very good friend. And I never got a chance to work with her.

[Ted Danson]

Really good actor.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, she's so good. And Wendy, who is really good actor, fucking brilliant at everything she does, and she can play anything. And she lives on a ranch in Topanga with her horses. I mean, she's just like.

[Woody Harrelson]

And she plays these prissy little.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I just. I adore these women. So I knew every day when I woke up, I went, ah, I get to go to work. I knew to live in that, and I did. I lived in the moment, and I'm so grateful. I still miss it.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. Do you have Betty White stories? I love our Betty.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, God, I wish.

[Ted Danson]

I'll go first. I'll go first. Maybe it'll spur something.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Okay.

[Ted Danson]

Animals. Dear Lord. Animals. It was better.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

She liked them better than humans.

[Ted Danson]

Yes. With probably some reason in there. But Mary was working with her in the Proposal.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love your wife, by the way.

[Woody Harrelson]

Thank you, God, she's so good. One of my favorite movies is Elf, and she is.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Because of her. She's so good in it. Anyway.

[Ted Danson]

Love you, Valerie. I love you. Anyone who loves my wife just goes right in my estimation.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

She's voice. I love her voice.

[Ted Danson]

And she can't get arrested doing voice work. What the hell is that about anyway?

[Woody Harrelson]

Are people crazy?

[Ted Danson]

They're crazy.

[Woody Harrelson]

She's got the most gorgeous voice.

[Ted Danson]

Okay, let's soothe ourselves.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes, let's soothe ourselves again with Betty.

[Ted Danson]

So we were in. I can't Remember the North Shore above Boston, but close enough to Boston we could go to the aquarium. And Betty said, what are you guys doing this weekend? Because she was so active, and I think she and Mary got along great. So we went, well, we have to do something with Betty. And she said, let's go to the aquarium. So. Oh, I was hoping for naps and a lazy day. And off we go. And together, Mary and I draw some attention. Not rock starry stuff, but we're recognized as actors. We blended into the background because of Betty. People adored Betty. She scampered up and downstairs. We went behind the scenes. We shook hands with everybody.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Like, she gets excited.

[Ted Danson]

Ah, yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Her energy is just.

[Ted Danson]

She's the one who got the best animal story I have is. We went behind the scenes and there was an octopus, and they were telling the story. The people behind the scenes of the aquarium of. They had some very valuable fish in the tank across the aisle, and they would start disappearing one at a time. And they put cameras in because who the heck is coming in and stealing our valuable fish? And. And they watched the next night as this octopus waits for the. This is absolutely true. Waits for the lights to go off. A tentacle pushes back its lid to its little aquarium, climbs down, climbs up the other side, pushes it back, takes out a fish, closes it again, goes back into his aquarium and eats the entire fish.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, my God.

[Ted Danson]

How about that octopus?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, see? Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

Sensuous.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes. And sensitive. And there's a reason I can't watch that movie.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, boy.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And then now I think Sally Field has a movie coming out. Beautiful Creatures. Something Beautiful Creatures. And I gotta read the book, but I just. Cause then I'll never have calamari again.

[Ted Danson]

I know. Can I do one more story?

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes.

[Ted Danson]

Jane Fonda. Mary. Mary became great.

[Woody Harrelson]

She scared the hell out of me, but I love her.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, well, she scares the hel. Hell out of everybody because there's no quarter.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No.

[Ted Danson]

You know, you either jump up and save the world or you're. You know.

[Woody Harrelson]

And she's right.

[Ted Danson]

And she's right. She's my hero, actually. But she. They're making Book Club 2 in Rome, and the producers think everybody else plus Mary's plus one. And we sit down, the chef comes up and says, this is what we're having in this lovely Italian accent. And then includes octopus for the first chorus. Up, bolts. Jane takes him around the corner and just gives him a dressing down and flusters them. I mean, she will go anywhere and do anything to make her point.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love Those balls.

[Ted Danson]

I know.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I want balls like that.

[Ted Danson]

Okay, I'm getting Betty White Betty. Ed Asner. Was he regular?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No, no. We had the most amazing guest stars. Carl Reiner. I mean, Carl was her love interest for the first season or two, and he was just. And I was smart enough to get all of their autographs on the COVID of the script. So in my hallway of my house, I have so many scripts from Hunt in Cleveland, and they've all got people's autographs all over them.

[Ted Danson]

Wow.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So happy I did that. Of course, now I can't tell who's who because I should have put a plaque of who because nobody. I mean everything, except I can see Carl's. Carl's is very clear.

[Ted Danson]

Anyway, because of the scribbly handwriting.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

You can't tell? Yes, Scribbly handwriting. I can't tell.

[Woody Harrelson]

What does your autograph look like? Does it look like Ted Danson?

[Ted Danson]

It looks like Ted, Dad. After a while, there's no A N

[Valerie Bertinelli]

S O N. I'm pretty good at mine.

[Ted Danson]

You can tell my legal signature because my legal name's Edward Bridge Danson iii. You don't want to just be casual, so you couldn't. It looks like an art piece. It looks like I can't duplicate it, you know, each time. It's just.

[Woody Harrelson]

Don't do it anyway. Did you ever practice your autograph when you were little?

[Ted Danson]

No.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No.

[Ted Danson]

No. Oh, you were planning ahead, weren't you?

[Woody Harrelson]

I was a baby, so, yeah, it's like, oh, this is fun. And obviously our handwriting changes through the years.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Ted Danson]

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[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Ted Danson]

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[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Ted Danson]

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[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Ted Danson]

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[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

And their Vital Heart is a triple

[Ted Danson]

action formula made with ingredients like magnesium

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

and CoQ10 all in two softgels per day. Head to naturesbounty.com and explore explore supplements that support your bone, gut and heart health.

[Ted Danson]

Nature's Bounty it's in your nature to thrive.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

These statements have not been evaluated by

[Ted Danson]

the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose,

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

treat, cure or prevent any disease.

[Ted Danson]

You finish one day at a time. Was that abrupt by the way? Did you get.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No, we kind of had a warning because we finished after nine years and I think Bonnie was tired. I think a lot of people were tired. It was a lot of shows. 200 and something shows. How many seasons did it?

[Ted Danson]

208 out of 209 is what they say. You did?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes, I did.

[Woody Harrelson]

You did? Yes. Because there was one episode we were on.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

We were on hiatus and I was newly married at this time. Pretty newly married. I got married in 81. So this is 82. Newly married to Edward Van Halen. Edward Van Halen, who is the father of my son Wolfgang Van Halen who is the mammoth?

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes, yes, yes. My son. I'm so proud of my son.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So they were going to South America, and I wanted to go. And part of it was on one of our hiatuses. And then the other part, I should have been back for work, but I begged them, can I please go so I can go to South America for. And I did.

[Woody Harrelson]

So they were great.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So there was one episode that I was not in that they. I think they focused on Glenn Scarpelli, who played my little sort of brother in the show. And I'm glad I did.

[Woody Harrelson]

Although, while I was in, was it Sao Paulo or Rio?

[Ted Danson]

That's a lovely thing to be able to question.

[Woody Harrelson]

I don't remember, but it was the early 80s. I don't remember a lot about the 80s, but I do remember this story.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

So Ed and Al, his brother, had gone downstairs, and we. Ed's. Al's wife at the time, had said, let's go down and join them. So we go down to join them, and then we're at the bar, whatever. And then the boys go back upstairs, and we said, okay, we'll join you later. And we were having fun at the bar. Valerie, her name was his first wife. And I go to the elevator to go up to the room, and they're like, no, no, no. But why? What's happening? Why can't we go up? No, no, no, no. And they were trying to tell us that prostitutes aren't allowed on the upper floors.

[Woody Harrelson]

And my sign, no, no, I have a wedding ring.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And at that point when I was traveling, I wouldn't wear my actual wedding ring. I just got it, like, fake from whatever movie I did. They would not let me up. I had to leave the elevator, get on the phone because there were no cell phones in the early 80s, and call Ed in the room and say, can you come down and get me?

[Woody Harrelson]

Because they won't let me up.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

They think Valerie and I are prostitutes,

[Ted Danson]

and they probably still did. Just thought that Ed decided to come back and get this lovely prostitute. Go back up to the room.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes. So I've been mistaken for a prostitute before.

[Ted Danson]

Okay.

[Woody Harrelson]

Or to be polite, a sex worker.

[Ted Danson]

Yes, please.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes.

[Ted Danson]

Through the meat of. You and Ed, you were very, very famous, right?

[Woody Harrelson]

Yes.

[Ted Danson]

I mean, how old were you when you guys met?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I was 20.

[Ted Danson]

20. Okay. And how did you meet?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Okay. My brothers invited me to Shreveport, where my parents lived, because my dad worked for General Motors. Shreveport, Louisiana. They were playing at the stadium, local stadium there. And they said, we know these guys at the radio station. If you come and hand all of the band members M and Ms. We can get backstage. And I was like, didn't understand a word you just said, right? Nothing about it, but okay. Because it was during the 1980 Actors Strike, during the summer. This was in August of 1980. You were an actor by then?

[Ted Danson]

I was doing Body Heat and we got to rehearse for a full month because of the strike. But go on.

[Woody Harrelson]

Oh, okay, enough about it. It's interesting what other things happen. So I go to Shreveport, which I

[Valerie Bertinelli]

go to a lot anyway. Cause my parents live there and my brother. And we go to the show first. My brother says, look in the back of your Corvette, I left an eight track cassette. And you'll see what the guy looks like. You know, what the band looks like. You'll hear, listen to him. Cause they're really good. I had never heard of Van Halen. I was into Elton John and Linda Ronstadt. So I look at and I'm like, that's a really. That guitar player is really fucking cute. So I'm going. And we went.

[Ted Danson]

Did you like the music?

[Woody Harrelson]

I thought it was good.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. I like rock and roll, you know. So I really thought like he had something magical happening, right? Like I'd never heard anything like that before. And I love Led Zeppelin and. But that sounded amazing to me. Anyway, so we go backstage and Ed was. He is like the epitome of shy. He's like. He is a musician, he's an engineer, he's many things, but a rock star he is not. He knows how to turn it on. But so I met all of them and I loved all of them. Pretty much. Pretty much. Three of them were very nice to me. And then Ed, I was invited to sit on the side of the stage. And Ed kept like winking at me and making eyes at me. And he would go over and change his guitars. And we ended up going back to their hotel.

[Ted Danson]

Was that nice? Was that.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, it was fabulous. I was like, I was crushing on this guy big time. Oh yeah, yeah, Crushing big time. And I was 20, he was 25, you know, all the libido stuff was happening, all that stuff. And we went back to the hotel, we talked, we hung out by the outdoor pool. It was a motel, you know, Motel 6, basically, in Shreveport. And then they had to get on the bus and they had to go to their next city. And he said he could call me. They always leave like midnight, 1, 2 o' clock in the morning. I don't know why, and I still don't know why? Because my son's bus leaves at those times too. And I still don't know why. I guess maybe I could ask them. But anyway. And then he said he would call me and I gave him my parents number in Shreveport. Cause that's where I was gonna be. And he didn't call for three days. And I was getting really, really anxious. And then he finally called and said, I'm in Oklahoma. Was in Oklahoma. Or Baton Rouge, I don't remember. My brother does. Cause he went with me and then I went out. And then by that time I was just like Gaga. And I said, why don't you move in with me? He moved in with me. I lived off Coldwater Canyon at this

[Ted Danson]

point here in la. Gotcha.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And he lived with his parents because he was in Pasadena.

[Ted Danson]

In Pasadena.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Because he was on the road 10 months out of the year. And so then he moved in with me and eight months later we were married.

[Ted Danson]

A lot of bus tours, were you. A lot of bus tours, were you on the bus?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

On. Lots of times, yeah. But this was a band that. Each band member had their own bus. With Wolfie's bus, it's like, there's no room for me on the bus because the entire band and the crew is on one bus, you know, so it's

[Woody Harrelson]

a very different way of living. Yeah, I think so. I think so. So then 10 years later, we had Wolfie.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And in between all of that, we had amazing good times and really tragic, scary hard times because we were both drinking, using drugs in the 80s. And then I stopped and he didn't. And neither one of us was taking care of our childhood trauma. So we had. We went to therapy. We loved each other dearly. But it just. At a certain point, I. After Wolfie got to a certain age, I thought, I can't do this anymore.

[Ted Danson]

Like, how old?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Wolfie was 10 or 11 when we separated. And it was hard to this day, Wolfie, the way Wolfie talks about it really, like, breaks my heart. But, you know. And then ed tried for 20 years to beat cancer. And he did a great job. Yeah, he knew for 20 years. And it spread. He kept spreading to different places.

[Ted Danson]

So you said he was also smoking, which was hard for you to watch

[Valerie Bertinelli]

because, oh, I was so angry with him. At one point, we were still together, and he had surgery to cut off part of his tongue. And the doctor said, you know, this is because you smoke, right? And Ed's like, nah, nah, it's not. And the doctor's like. And I was like, ed, God, you better stop smoking. Just stop smoking. I didn't even care about the alcohol anymore. Just stop smoking. It was hard. It was hard for him. He used a lot of different tools that were soothing but harmful for his body. You know, a lot of us use different tools in our toolbox for trauma that numb. Ignore any kind of feelings we don't wanna feel.

[Ted Danson]

And it's your brain taking care of you, refusing.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And what we don't realize is that our brain can be talked out of shit. We can talk our brains out of stuff if we listen to our emotions, because our emotions and our brains are different. And when we get curious about our emotions, like while they're coming up, we can talk it through with our brain and we can get to another side of it.

[Woody Harrelson]

You still have to go through the

[Valerie Bertinelli]

uncomfortable feelings, but when you do get through them, you've talked yourself into feeling better because you've actually done the work to feel your feelings.

[Ted Danson]

Don't go too far. Back up for a second. Well, how were you taking care of your creativeness when you guys separated?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I knew I had to make money because I didn't want to take money from Ed. We put aside an account for Wolf that both of us put the same amount of money in. I didn't take any alimony, I didn't take any child support, so I knew I had to work.

[Ted Danson]

She's so smart. My wife Mary didn't either. There's something very powerful about that because

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I'm an incredibly independent person and I like to be to a fault sometimes. But that's okay. I'd rather err on the side of independence.

[Ted Danson]

And so you were doing what?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

What was I. I was doing Touched by an Angel. At that time I got a two year contract with Touched by an angel. And it was great because we had spent a lot of time in Park City. Anyway, we had a home up there and in Old Town. It was just a cute little miner shack that had a bedroom and a half basically. And if we had gotten picked up for one more year, I would have pulled Wolfie out of his school in California and brought him up there. But we weren't. And then 911 happened and it was hard to go back and forth through Burbank Airport like I used to. It was such an easy commute. I would like be on an airplane three, four, five times a week just to get home to put Wolfie to bed and then go in the morning and get to the set.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

How long a flight?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, it's nothing. From Burbank to Salt Lake, it's like an hour and 15.

[Ted Danson]

You could really do that, couldn't you?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Back then you could. You can't do it anymore because you have to give extra time. And let's not even talk about what's going on with TSC these days, you know, and the half partial government shutdown because nobody knows how to govern.

[Ted Danson]

But we didn't really go there. We just kind of every once in a while, weren't there.

[Woody Harrelson]

I'm so tired of people not governing. Jesus, what do we vote for anyway?

[Ted Danson]

And no. And no. Okay. You did that for two years?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes.

[Ted Danson]

Are you now writing books yet?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I'm writing. No, I didn't start writing a book until I got

[Ted Danson]

Food Network.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No, no. I wrote a book in 2007 after I became a spokesperson for a diet company, which I have a lot of regret about because I bought into the

[Woody Harrelson]

whole

[Valerie Bertinelli]

shaming our bodies and being thin for thin's sake and not working on the mental and emotional health on why we. Why we overeat and why we use food to numb feelings. So I finally worked on that, you know, the last, I don't know, five years, which has been really helpful. But I'm still like, there's a part of me that is like, well, I really hadn't done that. Really wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't been one of those people. But it also taught me a lot.

[Ted Danson]

Wait, how long after you were that spokesperson did you have that realization?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I would say I didn't really have the realization until some of the weight started to crawl back and I started feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment. I was like, okay, I gotta take care of this shame. Cause it's not doing me any good. And I'm walking around full of shame for nuts. What? You know, there's no reason I need to be proud of every decision I've made. I can regret some, and I do. But that's what I knew when I made those decisions. And I would make different decisions now. So stop being ashamed of that.

[Ted Danson]

Did a book come out of that?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Learning how to actually getting naked came out of that. But losing it came out of being a spokesperson and losing weight and feeling so good about myself.

[Ted Danson]

Right. Learning to love the way I am today in 2022. Enough already.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That book, that was helpful in getting through my grief of Ed passing.

[Ted Danson]

Gotcha.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And my mom and my dad passing. That was really, for me, I think. More a book about grief and learning to live with it. It's more than that, but I think that's the process of. I mean, I wrote that book in a basement. I didn't wanna see light. I was so sad all the time. I was getting a divorce and it was really hard. This one was. And I'm proud of that book, though,

[Ted Danson]

because you said you wanted to. I'm gonna write a book about joy. And then bumped into it and bumped into grief. Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

Which one leads to.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

To genuinely.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Isn't that funny?

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

To on your way searching for joy. You have to walk through all that grief.

[Ted Danson]

I, you know, I won't get into all my stuff, but I had a major stuff which I started addressing before I met Mary, or we wouldn't have even walked down the same hallway. She wouldn't have even seen me, you

[Valerie Bertinelli]

know, but thank God for you and for her.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, yes. Oh, no, thank you.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

You.

[Woody Harrelson]

Do you feel lighter?

[Ted Danson]

Yes. And it's a process that, you know,

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

their little life's humblings

[Ted Danson]

are wonderful for you to finally get to that, you know, place. But what I was going to say is my silhouette. And I don't mean literal physical, but basically how I probably appeared to people before I grew up emotionally and stopped being a liar and stopped being. Before I really did the work on myself was very similar. But I could not have had a conversation with you. I. For more than two minutes. Sorry, I have to go get a cigarette. You know what? I have to go pee. Sorry. I'll be right back. I could not sit.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

What do you think that avoidance is about?

[Ted Danson]

It was exhausting to pretend to be me.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Ted Danson]

Even though the me is pretty similar. I was pretending, you know, faking.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

Until I finally started allowing myself to be as. To really go, oh, yeah, I am a dick. Doesn't mean I have to always be a dick. But yeah. Or I can be mean. I can be dickish. I can be all these things and addressing them. But then with Mary, always, I'm, you know, the only time we have. If she's wrong. This is going to sound probably patronizing.

[Woody Harrelson]

Do you get excited when she's wrong?

[Ted Danson]

A version of that? I am just like, aw, I love you even more. Look, you're wrong. And this is very relaxing for me. Thank you. That you're wrong. If I'm wrong, we have a fight. Because I. No, no, I will not be that person that you are now portraying me as. No, I'm not that. I can't bear that you. That I'm.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's how you.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, fuck, I am that. And once I finally go, yeah, wow,

[Valerie Bertinelli]

do you get There. Faster now.

[Ted Danson]

Yes. Trust, you know, and no one has ever loved me as holy. No one has ever witnessed me completely than Mary. So it's very hard to sit there and go, well, fuck her, you know? Wait a minute. Are you telling me you don't think she loves you to bits and p.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah, I guess that's the key, isn't it?

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's how I feel with my family. I mean, I hope I have that with a man one day. I don't know. I. I've got a. I'm a little. A lot gun shy after what I've, you know, had to walk through. But I definitely feel that with my son. I feel it with my brothers. I feel it with my girlfriends. I feel so wholly loved for me, for who I am, because they see me, every part of me. They see my jealousy, they see my pettiness, they see my anger. They see all of. And they still love me because they also see my kindness and they see my. My heart, and they see. You know, they see all of the things that I love and how I like to give love. So I. That's. Oh, it's such an amazing feeling to feel that.

[Ted Danson]

Freeing.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

It's exhausting to be perfect.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Oh, there's no such thing.

[Ted Danson]

Which I love. I'm sorry. What is the getting naked. The quiet work. The quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect, which to me is me. Mom's way of also saying fully human.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. And it is a quiet work. The louder it is, the less authentic it is.

[Ted Danson]

There are the right people to share this with and the wrong. And I have done both. And one is more of a tooting my horn of, look at me. I'm getting enlightened.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Right. I'll never be enlightened. I'm always searching. And I think that's the key. It's the people that say they've got it all, that I'm a truth teller or. There's no one more authentic than me or. Mm. Really?

[Woody Harrelson]

Because I fib.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Sometimes I lie, sometimes I exaggerate.

[Ted Danson]

My wife doesn't lie.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I do that.

[Ted Danson]

She exaggerates.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. I can exaggerate.

[Woody Harrelson]

Oh, shit.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

That's a better story.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah. And I don't know how authentic. What is authentic? I'm the most me I've ever been.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

But could I be more me? I don't know.

[Ted Danson]

I hope so, because what are you gonna do for the rest of your life?

[Woody Harrelson]

This is all I got.

[Ted Danson]

Just coast? No.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No. No.

[Woody Harrelson]

But I'm always wary of somebody who's you know, always says I'm this, I'm that.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Like, are you?

[Woody Harrelson]

Do you.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

How do you know? Yeah, how do you know You're a truth teller. You never lie.

[Ted Danson]

I hate certainty.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Woody Harrelson]

There is no certainty.

[Ted Danson]

No.

[Woody Harrelson]

That's the whole thing about being human.

[Ted Danson]

The rigidity of my way or the highway. Yeah, I'm going. I'm going to heaven. You're not.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I used to get so mad. I knew somebody in my life and they said, if you don't declare Jesus as your born, you know, the Savior, your Savior, you will not go to heaven. And I'll be. How I can continue to do good things, good acts, continue to be a good person with, you know, some sinning

[Woody Harrelson]

here and there and always ask for

[Valerie Bertinelli]

forgiveness, always have gratitude. But if I don't just make that

[Woody Harrelson]

declaration, I'm not going to heaven. Well, I don't know.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Do I wanna. Jesus was an amazing man from what I understand from the history I've read about him. He was a phenomenal human being that did beautiful things from the life we know. I mean, I know when he was born and I know when he died. I'm not sure what happened for those 33 years, but he was a great man. Like Buddha was a great man. Like, you know, Parahanza Yogananda was a good man. But why do I have to declare him? There's millions of like I don't know how many religions around there. I. Exaggerating millions of religions, but maybe there are.

[Woody Harrelson]

So why nobody. So only Christians get to go to heaven? I don't understand that.

[Ted Danson]

Doesn't feel very Christian to say that.

[Woody Harrelson]

It doesn't, does it?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No. And I'm not.

[Woody Harrelson]

I was born a Catholic kind of Christian. Now I'm just. Am I spiritual?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes. Do I thank the universe all the time and God? Yes, yes. But I get really stubborn and obstinate like.

[Woody Harrelson]

Well, no, I'm not gonna say it.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Then he's not my Lord and Savior. Cause then I won't go to heaven. Fine.

[Woody Harrelson]

Fuck you.

[Ted Danson]

It's a pathless as so many wise people.

[Woody Harrelson]

And is there heaven?

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I don't know.

[Woody Harrelson]

Is there?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I think there's what we're on this earth plane and then there's our energy and then there's someplace else that none of us remember. But we get to come here and

[Ted Danson]

we get to be this and you'll find out.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I will find out.

[Woody Harrelson]

At some point, probably within the next

[Valerie Bertinelli]

20 years,

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

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[Ted Danson]

Woody, Your book Getting Naked addresses the early trauma you had in your life when you were 11 and how that informed the sexual abuse informed the rest of your life for such a long time. And the words, especially the denial and

[Valerie Bertinelli]

the shame about it. Yeah, yeah, which is not ours to carry. And yet we do. And then the shame morphs into being layered upon shame, on shame, on shame by doing the things normal people do to test their boundaries, to find their Autonomy. Like the 80s, me doing drugs and getting married and going to crazy parties

[Woody Harrelson]

or just sitting alone playing uno, doing coke. It's like, what a weird life.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

But still.

[Woody Harrelson]

Things that I was embarrassed about and

[Valerie Bertinelli]

shameful about and I Didn't want anyone to know until I was like, you know, you're only as sick as your secrets. So when you start to pile on shame on shame on the original shame that was never yours, it becomes so convoluted and confusing that you just think you are a bad person.

[Ted Danson]

Yep.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And it took me a long time to realize, oh, I'm not a bad person person. I just. Some had some bad things happen to me that I dealt with the best I could and the best of my ability as a young child and then as a teenager, and then as a, you know, young adult, and now as an old person or geriatric. I don't know. Geriatric, whatever.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I don't know that I feel like I'm a geriatric taking care of geriatrics at my house because I have five.

[Ted Danson]

Wait your turn. Don't. Don't butt into my arena here. Come on.

[Woody Harrelson]

But then I think.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And then it comes to dealing with that shame so that we don't.

[Woody Harrelson]

The tools in my toolbox to deal

[Valerie Bertinelli]

with shame were eating to numb my feelings, or drinking or doing any. Sometimes shopping just to not have to feel. And now what I do is. And when I feel a feeling come

[Ted Danson]

up, which don't go away completely. Imprints don't go away. They go on completely.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No, you're right.

[Woody Harrelson]

You're absolutely right. It's still there.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

But when I feel now, I just get curious. It's like, oh, why am I feeling that? That in itself is being attention. Paying attention to the feeling and being curious about it is not numbing it. The hard part then is doing the next few steps, which is being in a place where you can actually feel the uncomfortable feeling and hopefully give it a name. And I have noticed this with anxiety, that I am able to pinpoint it. Where is it in my body? And that when I can pinpoint it, all of a sudden, just by recognizing it, it starts to dissipate. Just recognizing a feeling that wants to be heard is. If you want to give it a visualization, visualize your little person, your little, you know, my young self. Just wanting to be heard. Just wanting to be, you know, just pay attention to me. I'm in pain. Then that pain starts to dissipate. It's as challenging and as easy as that.

[Ted Danson]

Did you have

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

mentors, guides? Could you have done this all on your own?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I had some really good therapists, I must say. EMDR really put me over and tell

[Ted Danson]

me, remind me what emdr, It's a

[Valerie Bertinelli]

eye Movement desensitization, reprocessing. Yes. So what happens is, and there's multiple ways that you can do it. And this is for deep trauma that you've sat on for a long time. It pulls it out in a healthy, non scary way. You can do either the light that goes back and forth and your eye movement, or I like to use the paddles that had electrical stimulation. And I would put at the motion that I liked it and the strength that I liked it. And then as you're feeling that in your palms or looking at it, you have a skilled therapist walk you through, talk you through some tragic trauma, traumatic moments in your life. And I did that with mine. And what it does is it pulls the emotion and lets your emotions take a sidecar. Like just take the shotgun seat and watch me go through this for a little bit and talk my way through it. So even though I was sobbing and crying, I didn't feel depleted by that. I was more focused on watching what was happening in my life when I felt powerless. And when I was done 45 minutes, an hour later, I opened my eyes and just gushing tears. But I felt freer. As opposed to the first time that I ever told someone that I was sexually abused, where I thought, okay, I've said it out loud now, so I'll get better, right? No, that you need to process it. EMDR helped me process it in a way that let my emotions not take over and just let my analytical mind walk through it so I could see that I'm safe, that I'm okay now. And I'm a pretty fucking fantastic human being for having lived through it. And I'm so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Not because of the abuse, but because it was already in me, that strength that I was able to then process it and get the help that I needed.

[Ted Danson]

I think they use it with PTSD as well. Troops.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes, I think it would be incredibly helpful for so many people that come through traumatic experiences. And DBT is another helpful thing. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy started by Marcia Lanahan, who is a brilliant woman who was severely abused. But she holds. You can hold two separate, different, dialectically different feelings at the same time. Doesn't make you a bad person, doesn't make you a good person. It just is. And to learn that, that it just is has made me definitely see that the bad parts of me are just. It's just another piece of the pie that makes me me, because I also have the good shit. Like with every. Like with everything, with being Stubborn means I can also hang in there and have strength with being. I can also be jealous of somebody and also appreciate what they're doing and be so impressed by them. I can, you know, I can be petty and want to hurt somebody, but also know that that's not gonna make me feel better.

[Ted Danson]

Very freeing.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

It's so freeing.

[Ted Danson]

The last thing that kind of hit me that was very liberating was I had a bit of a health scare. I'm totally fine. But it was like, oh, well, that's real. And it was humbling. And, oh, mortality is the real deal, you know, it's not just a rumor. Ted Danson doesn't get a free pass. Love is work. But, you know, and it was like. And I hadn't fucked up in some way, so I couldn't go, oh, Ted, dammit.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

If I had only.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah, I found there's no if onlys. Oh, wow. I am. And it was very humbling and calming, and I'm fine, you know, but it was, I think, the best thing that could have happened to me. And I'm doing some things differently. You know, I am meditating now twice a day with Mary, and it's like, wow. I've always talked about it and lied about it, but now it's nice. But what it's done for me is

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

the biggest gift of all.

[Ted Danson]

You can be curious about other people.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

You can listen and you can be supportive, caring.

[Ted Danson]

You can witness them. And I do believe that that's the rest of my life, is to be curious and listen. That's the best thing I can offer. Yeah. But you can do that now without

[Valerie Bertinelli]

feeling

[Ted Danson]

embarrassed or like a hypocrite.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

Cause you did. You have. And it doesn't mean you have done all the work. It just means you have. You have experienced allowing. There's so much more work done, so much pain to get to the joy and all of that.

[Woody Harrelson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

And sometimes it's the first word that comes about, is freeing to let yourself feel the pain.

[Ted Danson]

Your son must be so proud of you.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love him. He is such an amazing human being. I wish that I could take credit for it. He is beyond. In spite of what Ed and I put that man through, he is such a good human being. He is.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, wow.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I'm so lucky. So lucky.

[Ted Danson]

So is he.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

He's got a good mom, and he had a great dad, you know, who had like. And his dad and his mom had immense flaws, but the one thing Wolfie always knew is how much we love him.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Like, unconditionally. That boy can do no wrong in my eyes.

[Ted Danson]

That is such a gift, man, so many people haven't been unconditionally loved. They got born into tough.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yep, yep. And my parents did the best they could, but they didn't know anything.

[Ted Danson]

Mine were confusing.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Were they?

[Ted Danson]

Yeah, they loved, but not about love. Yeah, man, they love me.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah. I felt the love as much as I could from two people grieving from a death. You know, my mom was pregnant with me when my brother died at age. He was 17 months old.

[Ted Danson]

Oh, that's.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

He drank poison out of a Coke bottle on a farm. Yeah. Devastating. So I was born into a family grieving a horrific death.

[Ted Danson]

Some relationships don't. That's just too much.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I don't know how my parents survived. I don't know. But they did. They had three more kids.

[Ted Danson]

Wow.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

That's what you did in the 50s and 60s, I guess.

[Ted Danson]

Who do you. I mean, you've got such a moral center that you fought for over the years inside of yourself. Who is your kind of moral. Do you have a moral compass person out there?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

No, there's just way too many people. I mean, I can think of Jesus and Paramahansa, Yogananda and Buddha and all these people.

[Woody Harrelson]

I didn't know them, so I just read about them.

[Ted Danson]

They don't answer my calls.

[Woody Harrelson]

I don't.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

They don't. And I'm a little annoying trying to get information out of them, you know,

[Woody Harrelson]

I mean, Raphael know. Michael the Angel Archangel.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I don't know.

[Woody Harrelson]

I don't know how to talk to these people. I wish I did.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love people like James Van Pra that can talk.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. The trouble with having conversations like this on both sides of the table is I always, after, you know, talking about enlightenment, you know, growth or whatever, I always walk out the door and step in the biggest pile of karmic poo. Invariably, you know, it's like, so what

[Woody Harrelson]

is it trying to teach us? Right? That's the first thing I always like,

[Valerie Bertinelli]

oh, God, what am I supposed to learn from this shit? Yeah, what am I supposed. Did you not teach me this lesson?

[Woody Harrelson]

Did I not get it right?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Don't do this to me, please. And it's like, okay, I guess I need it.

[Woody Harrelson]

What would you call, like, a karmic

[Valerie Bertinelli]

piece of shit that you get to step into and learn something from?

[Ted Danson]

It's me talking about enlightenment and, you

[Valerie Bertinelli]

know, and the next minute screaming at somebody while you're in the car, are you motherfucker.

[Ted Danson]

Kind of, you know, something. Oh, oh, wait a minute.

[Woody Harrelson]

Maybe I'm not so enlightened, but, you know, we're all trying. We're all doing our best.

[Ted Danson]

Yeah. I can't tell you how happy I am to have spent time talking to you. Really, you are amazing.

[Woody Harrelson]

Thank you. So are you.

[Ted Danson]

I'm just making sure you step in some karmic poop.

[Woody Harrelson]

You have no idea what I've fucking been through the last few years. You do not want me to step in any more karmic poo. Can I just have a break for a little bit?

[Ted Danson]

Yes, you can.

[Woody Harrelson]

Okay. Just a little bit, and then I'll be ready to learn something again. Just.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I need to pause. I mean, I just. Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

And if you're listening to this, go back and tune into Drew, the show you did with her.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I love her.

[Ted Danson]

It really was magnificent.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Thank you. And we get to do it for two more years. I'm so excited.

[Ted Danson]

So what does that mean, you go on?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I travel back and forth to New York, which has been a dream of mine since I was little.

[Ted Danson]

Since Bicoastal.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yes. Since Bonnie first brought me to New York when I was 15 or 16. Thought I want to work in this city. And I'm finally, 50 years later doing it.

[Ted Danson]

And what will that look like?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I'll get on an airplane. My miles are racking up, and I will go to a specific hotel and stay there for four, and then I'll walk to work every morning and walk back to Drew. To Drew.

[Ted Danson]

And you will be part of every episode?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I think I do about 60 or 70 episodes a year.

[Ted Danson]

And your baby WIC will be what?

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Just doing the Drew's news and talking about good news in the world and maybe doing some side cooking on the show and doing, you know, going to different places with Ross, doing some cooking at, like, the food and wine festivals, things like that, doing remotes. It's a blast.

[Ted Danson]

Fantastic.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

I just love it. And then I get to do my own cooking show on Valerie's Place, and I get to have a book group, and I get to do my own podcast, Getting Naked in the Podcast.

[Ted Danson]

Wow. That's great.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

It's a lot of fun. I like staying. I like to rest really hard as well, but I like when I can be active. Yeah.

[Ted Danson]

Productive.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Yeah, I like being productive.

[Ted Danson]

Thank you.

[Valerie Bertinelli]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly Conan O'Brien)]

Thank you, Valerie, for spending that time with me. It was truly a gift. Her new Lifetime movie is Love Again, and her book is called Getting Naked. You can check out Valerie's work online at Valerie's Place. There's cooking shows, recipes, podcasts, and other interactive experiences for fans. It is available on the App Store, Google Play and Valeriesplace.com that's it for this week. Special thanks to Team Coco. If you've enjoyed this episode, please send it to a loved one rate and review on Apple Podcasts. If you're in a good mood once again, you can watch our full length video episodes on YouTube.com Team Coco. See you next time. Where everybody knows your name.

[Podcast Production Team Member]

You've been listening to where everybody knows your name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson Sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Liao. Our executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and myself, Sarah Fisher Fedorovich is our supervising producer. Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grohl Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Bautista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Antony Yen, Mary Steenbergen and John Osborne.

[Sean (Smartless Podcast Member)]

Hey guys, it's Sean. We went ahead and made the risky decision to let cameras into a Smartless episode. That's right. It happened live at the Avalon Theater in Los Angeles. There was a huge crowd, there was a surprise guest, and his name is Jonah Hill. And now you can actually watch the whole thing because Smartless Live at the Avalon is up on YouTube. Yeah, we said watch. Yes, we said YouTube. This is still strange for us too, but if you prefer to keep things traditional, you can also listen to the episode wherever you get your podcasts. Smartless Live at the Avalon. It's out now.

[Commercial Narrator]

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