"I Have a Crush on a Coworker"

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
February 9, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, a caller reaches out to Esther Perel after developing a crush on a coworker while recovering from a recent divorce. The discussion explores the nuanced interplay between grief, desire, personal history, and workplace relationships. Esther guides the caller through her anxieties about timing, self-trust, and the risk of pursuing new love in a professional environment, weaving in reflections on past abusive relationships and the caller’s journey toward self-reliance and relational insight.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Crush (02:41 – 05:05)

• Caller’s Situation: Recently divorced and now attracted to a coworker on the same team.
• Internal Conflict: Struggling to discern whether this attraction is genuine or a rebound from emotional upheaval.
• Workplace Concerns: Fear of complications if the relationship doesn’t work out, especially given their close professional proximity.
• Notable Moment: Caller recounts an incident where her soon-to-be-ex-husband cast doubt on her coworker’s intentions, fueling her uncertainty.
  • "My husband...was saying a lot of really negative things about my coworker...that he was just a player..." (05:33)

2. Marriage, Divorce, and Emotional History (08:15 – 16:05)

• Background: The marriage was built on stability after prior abusive relationships but ultimately lacked emotional support and connection.
  • "There is a big emotional gap there… death by a thousand cuts." (10:10)
• Caller’s Need: Sought validation and true partnership; felt alone and unsupported by her husband.
• Grief vs. Desire: Esther identifies the central tension—is the coworker crush an expression of grief and loss, or a sign of the caller’s renewed desire?
  • "Is my crush a grief reaction or an expression of desire?" (12:28, Esther)

3. The Pattern of Past Relationships (20:05 – 34:37)

• Pre-Marital History: Caller shares candid and traumatic stories of earlier abusive relationships, including emotional manipulation, physical violence, love bombing, and possessiveness.
  • "There was a lot of verbal abuse...he hit me across the face." (26:10)
  • "He became very jealous...didn't want me to have a relationship with my family." (28:50)
• Family Support: Despite difficulties, she maintained a good relationship with her parents, which bolstered her resilience and survival instincts.
  • "I've always landed on my feet and that built a lot of confidence in me over the past 15 odd years..." (34:18)

4. Navigating New Connections and Trust (37:27 – 41:37)

• Fear of Patterns Repeating: The caller worries about falling too fast, missing warning signs, and making unwise decisions due to past relational habits.
• Slowing Down: Esther proposes a “ripening” approach—letting feelings and connections mature at their own pace.
  • "How do I let this thing ripen like a fruit and how do I slow it down?" (38:55, Esther)
• Differentiating Fantasy and Reality: Importance of letting relationships develop organically through shared activities and group dynamics.

5. Navigating Workplace Romance (41:50 – 47:27)

• Two Approaches: Esther discusses the difference between explicitly changing the relationship context and letting it evolve more subtly from friendship.
• Seeking Input from Colleagues: Leveraging friends’ perspectives and the “collective sniff” of the workgroup can provide important feedback on whether mutual attraction is perceived by others.
  • "That collective sniff is very important." (48:19, Esther)

6. Reconciling Internal Voices (50:09 – 55:51)

• Analyzing the Crush: Esther notes how crushes can transforms traits into positives, while anxiety scrutinizes for red flags.
• Building a Dialogue: Encourage internal conversation between the cautious, anxious self and the open-to-passion self.
  • "Crush doesn’t like to be reasoned with and reason hates to lose control… you have a task inside of you that seeks to integrate these two." (53:19, Esther)
• Self-Trust: The caller has strengthened her confidence in many life domains but notices relational trust as a continuing area of growth.

7. Moving Forward (55:49 – End)

• Next Steps: Caller and Esther agree to keep in touch about how things evolve, focusing on gently letting the connection develop while monitoring boundaries and workplace dynamics.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Savoring New Desire

  • "When you re-experience for the first time, openness... Crush us. Savor it. You don’t have to be out of control."
    (20:05, Esther Perel)

• On Emotional Neglect in Marriage

  • "I need you to understand me. I need you to see me."
    (11:29, Caller—on what her cartoon bubble would say)

• On Survival Instincts

  • "You have a sense in you when it’s off, and it takes a moment to organize, but then you go, ‘This is the third time you’re doing it right. You left boyfriend one, you left boyfriend two, you left husband three.’"
    (30:20, Esther)

• On Letting Relationships Ripen

  • "How do I let this thing ripen like a fruit and how do I slow it down?"
    (38:55, Esther)

• On Taking Advice from the Collective

  • "A major piece of dating these days...is that people don’t involve enough of their lives in the dating... That collective sniff is very important."
    (47:27 - 48:19, Esther)

• Finding Balance Between Passion and Reason

  • "Crush doesn’t like to be reasoned with and reason hates to lose control...they have to be in a dialogue. They need to make space for each other because each one is telling you something important."
    (52:34 - 53:41, Esther)

Important Timestamps

• 00:13 – Caller introduces her dilemma about her coworker crush after recent divorce
• 02:41 – Esther probes whether the crush is mutual and how it evolved
• 08:15 – In-depth discussion about the collapse of caller’s marriage
• 20:05 – Esther advises on savoring new desire after loss
• 25:51 – Caller recounts details of prior abusive relationships
• 37:27 – Caller articulates core fear: falling too quickly again
• 38:55 – Esther reframes with “ripen like a fruit”
• 41:19 – Conversation about what dating would look like with this coworker
• 47:27 – Importance of collective workplace perceptions
• 50:09 – Caller shares both anxiety and attraction about the coworker
• 52:34 – Esther guides integration of “crush” and “reason” voices
• 55:49 – Episode conclusion; invitation to keep Esther updated

Tone, Language, and Approach

Esther’s style is empathetic, empowering, and gently challenging. The caller is self-aware, thoughtful, and at times anxious, but determined to grow. The dialogue is intimate, occasionally humorous (“collective sniff”), and focused on helping the caller find self-trust as she navigates new connections while honoring her past and her present professional environment.

In Summary

This episode offers a rich exploration of post-divorce desire, workplace romance, and the lifelong work of integrating inner voices and lessons from the past. Esther’s guidance centers on emotional self-awareness, savoring new experiences, and using both personal intuition and community feedback to make wise relational choices—reminding listeners of the universal struggle between head, heart, and the need for connection.