Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Episode: Breaking News Has Broken Us
Date: September 29, 2025

Overview:

This profound session steps inside a newsroom during the COVID-19 pandemic, at a time when the boundaries between work and home are utterly dissolved. Esther Perel, iconic psychotherapist, facilitates a virtual group session for dozens of journalists reckoning with collective trauma, burnout, and profound changes to both their industry and their interpersonal dynamics. The focus: how breaking news—not just about the world, but about their own lives—has left them broken, isolated, and searching for meaning and resilience.

Key Themes & Insights

The Collapse of Work-Life Boundaries

• The newsroom is grappling with the breakdown of traditional boundaries: homes have become offices, and journalists are isolated from both colleagues and the spontaneous energy of the shared newsroom.
• Esther reframes the crisis: “We are not working from home. We are working with home.” (16:25)
• Multiple roles are collapsed into one physical space: “The worker, the boss, the parent, the teacher, the tutor, the partner, the cook, the cleaner, all of it. And I probably missed a few.” (17:25)
• Contextual living—where different places structure daily routines—has disappeared. No commutes, no eating lunch out, no delineation of activities.

Isolation, Loneliness, and Loss of Connection

• Journalists voice intense feelings of isolation, both for those who live alone and those whose only in-person interactions are with a partner.
• The loss of ambient, spontaneous newsroom interactions hits hard: “...such a big part of being a journalist is those moments of walking across the newsroom... That’s how ideas spark.” (05:52)

Burnout and Emotional Weight

• The relentless onslaught of traumatic, sad news leaves reporters emotionally exhausted: “We all just cover terrible, traumatic, sad things all the time... There’s no escape.” (06:03)
• Work has bled into all hours, making it “hard to separate anything,” with some journalists “scrolling through Twitter until midnight.” (14:45)

The Four Pillars of Workplace Relations

• Esther shares her research on the essentials of relational intelligence at work: Trust (“do you have my back?”), Belonging (“am I part of this system?”), Recognition (“am I valued?”), and Collective Resilience (“can we come together in crisis?”). (02:10)
• These pillars become urgent and obvious in crisis.

Naming the Experience: Prolonged Uncertainty, Ambiguous Loss, and Collective Grief

• The pandemic brings “a sense of prolonged uncertainty... a constant pandemic hum.” (19:18)
• Esther introduces the concept of “ambiguous loss,” a term coined by Pauline Boss: “for a world that is still somewhat physically present but doesn’t resemble itself, and you can’t fully mourn it.” (23:05)
• There is “collective grief over the world that you knew... all of those tiny losses” (23:50)

Loss of Eros: More than Physical Intimacy

• Eros is described not just as sexuality, but as life force, curiosity, play, and imagination.
• “That side of life... reaching out, has suddenly become so tinged with danger that we live with the loss of Eros.” (25:01)
• Journalists, who thrive on curiosity and encountering strangers, especially feel this loss: “The stranger who now becomes an element of danger to which you can be danger to as well.” (56:10)

The Need for Ritual, Routine, and Imagination

• Small demarcations—cleaning off the work table for dinner, having rituals—are vital to maintain sanity (20:45).
• “Freedom under confinement comes through your imagination.” (27:10)
• Routines are hard to maintain in isolation; Esther recommends building accountability with others, even virtually. “It’s very, very hard to be completely alone and disciplined about some of these routines... One of the most important ways is to be accountable to others.” (48:22)

Tragic Optimism

• Esther introduces this philosophical stance: “the ability to maintain hope and to find meaning despite the pain, the loss and the suffering.” (29:35)
• She recommends team check-ins that go beyond work and allow vulnerability: “Don’t just pretend this is business as usual... ask each other a slew of questions about who you are and how you’re living now.” (30:15)

Identity, Achievement, and Self-Worth Under Pressure

• Several journalists express anxiety: “I am failing at everything... work is hard, parenting is hard, and trying to be a good partner is hard. I don’t feel like any of them are getting the attention they deserve.” (71:45)
• Esther reframes this: “If you happen to live in a nuclear family with one partner and two children, to put it really bluntly, it is a fucked up arrangement. It’s the least effective arrangement that was ever created. Two adults for two little smurfs and a full time job for each.” (73:08)
• The concept of “pods” or chosen, collaborative communities comes up as a crucial new resource.
• Feelings of achievement and satisfaction are elusive; external markers of success have vanished.

Exhaustion with Screen-Mediated Communication

• Every interaction now scheduled, no spontaneity left: “Since I’ve been editor in chief, I’ve never once been able to walk through the newsroom... There’s not a single time that I speak to somebody that is spontaneous.” (90:48)
• Video calls are draining; “my brain is constantly aching to make me feel like I’m taking you in and you’re taking me in and we are actually connecting. And so I am putting out an enormous amount of energy... at the end of the day, I am exhausted, and you are all too.” (50:34)
• Parallel activities on video, or working in “virtual company” (like writing together on a call, not talking), can help restore some shared presence. (93:25)

Organizational Transitions and What Comes Next

• The newsroom is also dealing with layoffs, leadership changes, a racial reckoning, and existential threats to journalism itself.
• Esther encourages embracing opportunities for organizational renewal and “reprioritization”—to ask: “What must be rebuilt and what must we build anew?” (100:14)
• “All disasters bring reprioritization. We ask ourselves what must be rebuilt and what must we build anew?” (100:15)
• She notes: “The workplace is a great equalizer...It has massive psychological meanings.”

Notable Quotes & Moments

On the Collapse of Boundaries

• Esther Perel (17:25): “There has never been such a strong collapse of the boundaries between all our roles...and it is intensely psychologically taxing.”

On Ambiguous Loss and Grief

• Esther Perel (23:05): “Ambiguous loss is what we are experiencing right now for a world that is still somewhat physically present but doesn’t resemble itself and you can’t fully mourn it.”

On the Loss of Eros

• Esther Perel (25:01): “Eros as in the life force, the curiosity, the mystery, the playfulness, the imagination, the spontaneity, the exploration...has suddenly become so tinged with danger.”

On Routines and Collective Resilience

• Esther Perel (48:22): “It’s very, very hard to be completely alone and disciplined about some of these routines...One of the most important ways to create any routines or changes is to be accountable to others.”

On Achievement and Parenting During Crisis

• Journalist (71:45): “I truly don’t use that as a turn of phrase or anything. It’s a very deep seated feeling like...I am failing at everything.”
• Esther Perel (73:08): “If you happen to live in a nuclear family with one partner and two children, to put it really bluntly, it is a fucked up arrangement. It’s the least effective arrangement that was ever created.”

On Leadership and the Loss of Spontaneity

• Editor-in-Chief (90:48): “Since I’ve been editor in chief, I’ve never once been able to walk through the newsroom...There’s not a single time that I speak to somebody that is spontaneous.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:10 – Esther introduces the four pillars of workplace relationships: trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience.
• 05:20–07:30 – Journalists share how their work has left them emotionally exhausted and isolated.
• 14:45 – The blurring and breakdown of work-life routines.
• 23:05 – Esther introduces “ambiguous loss” and the challenge of grieving a world still partially present.
• 25:01 – The concept of eros and its non-sexual meaning is explored.
• 29:35 – “Tragic optimism” and how hope can coexist with pain.
• 48:22 – Building routines through accountability to others.
• 56:10 – The newsroom’s particular struggle with the loss of curiosity and engagement with strangers.
• 71:45 – Emotional expressions of burnout, failure, and parental struggle.
• 73:08 – Esther’s frank take on the nuclear family during the pandemic.
• 90:48 – The editor-in-chief reflects on never having a spontaneous conversation as a leader during the pandemic.
• 93:25 – Esther recommends recreating newsroom togetherness by working side-by-side virtually.
• 100:14 – Reflection on organizational and societal reprioritization post-crisis.

Takeaways

• The pandemic didn’t just move work into the home—it fundamentally scrambled the boundaries and rituals that offer psychological structure and resilience.
• Grief and loss aren’t just about tragedy on the news, but about everything from missed milestones to the loss of casual connection and shared creativity.
• Small, intentional acts—rituals and shared routines—are vital, and creating accountability or connection with others is essential.
• The future will not be a simple return to “normal”; hybrid work, creative new structures, and a reevaluation of priorities—personal, professional, and societal—are the new challenges and opportunities.
• Above all, suffering and stress in this context are collective, not just individual—and only collective healing can truly address them.

Final Memorable Moment

Esther Perel (closing, 100:15):
“All disasters bring reprioritization. We ask ourselves what must be rebuilt and what must we build anew?”