Podcast Summary: "Esther Calling - Never Been In a Long Term Relationship, Scared I Don't Know How To Do This"

Episode Information

• Title: Esther Calling - Never Been In a Long Term Relationship, Scared I Don't Know How To Do This
• Host: Esther Perel, Esther Perel Global Media
• Release Date: June 30, 2025
• Description: In this episode, Esther Perel engages in a deep, transformative conversation with Alex, a 42-year-old man navigating his first serious romantic relationship. Despite a loving and communicative partnership, Alex grapples with intense panic and fear stemming from his past experiences and cultural upbringing.

1. Introduction to Alex’s Situation

[00:00 - 02:34]
Alex initiates the conversation by sharing his predicament:

"I am 42 years old and I've never really been in a real romantic relationship. About one and a half month ago I met this very nice guy who was in a polyamorous relationship and we have started dating and now we are in a relationship as well. Everything is very nice. We have very nice communication. I feel very safe with him. He's lovely, we have fun. And yet I feel this constant panic."
— Alex, [00:00]

Alex expresses confusion over his persistent panic, which contradicts the positive aspects of his new relationship. He fears that this anxiety might sabotage his budding romance.

2. Exploring the Root Causes

[03:26 - 10:40]
Esther prompts Alex to delve deeper into his relationship history and underlying issues:

"The panic is not two days old."
— Alex, [04:26]

Alex reveals a long-standing fear of romantic relationships, rooted in his upbringing where saying "no" was difficult due to cultural expectations of kindness and altruisms. This environment fostered a belief that prioritizing others' needs over his own was essential for maintaining relationships.

He shares traumatic experiences from his youth, including bullying and feeling isolated:

"I was being bullied terribly at school. I was smarter. I was in the wrong educational track."
— Alex, [15:40]

These experiences cultivated a deep-seated fear of intimacy and rejection, leading him to believe that relationships are burdensome and likely to fail.

3. Therapeutic Intervention: The Two-Chair Technique

[27:56 - 44:30]
Esther employs the two-chair technique to help Alex navigate his internal conflicts. This method involves dialoguing between different parts of oneself to understand and reconcile opposing emotions.

Alex personifies his fears as "him," representing the part that urges him to flee from relationships:

"That's gonna be tough."
— Alex, [46:29]

Through this exercise, Alex confronts his inner critic, which consistently undermines his efforts to engage in meaningful connections. Esther encourages him to acknowledge and integrate these conflicting parts rather than allowing them to dominate his behavior.

4. Insights and Revelations

[47:00 - 41:08]
The session uncovers several key insights:

• Acceptance of Panic: Alex realizes that his panic is a manifestation of his deep care and investment in the relationship.

"I think one is it's okay to panic because it's a sign of how much you care about the relationship."
— Alex, [41:31]

• Balancing Excitement and Insecurity: Esther highlights that emotions like excitement and insecurity often coexist, suggesting that embracing both can lead to healthier relationships.

"Maybe just simply excitement and insecurity often live side by side."
— Esther Perel, [41:51]

• Rewriting Internal Narratives: By acknowledging and addressing his fears, Alex begins to reshape his internal narrative from one of avoidance to one of conscious engagement and risk-taking.

5. Moving Forward: Strategies for Healthy Relationships

[41:06 - 47:15]
Esther and Alex discuss practical strategies to manage his fears:

• Name and Acknowledge Fears: Identifying his fears as distinct parts within him allows Alex to address them without judgment.

"The stage is big enough for a cast of characters."
— Esther Perel, [44:30]

• Open Communication: Encouraging Alex to communicate his insecurities openly with his partner to strengthen their bond.

"These become conversations that we have together, rather than secret thoughts that express my insecurities."
— Esther Perel, [38:28]

• Gradual Exposure: Taking small steps to engage in the relationship despite fears, thereby building confidence and reducing anxiety over time.

6. Conclusion and Takeaways

[47:00 - End]
As the session concludes, Alex acknowledges the complexity of his emotions and the importance of ongoing self-work:

"It's not gonna work out. It's not worth it. Keep looking. Run, run, run. Just go."
— Alex, [30:35]

However, under Esther's guidance, he begins to see the value in facing his fears rather than succumbing to them. The key takeaway emphasizes the importance of embracing vulnerability and fostering open communication to cultivate a fulfilling romantic relationship.

Key Nuggets:

• Panic as Care: Feeling anxious in a relationship can indicate a high level of care and investment.
• Dual Emotions: Excitement and insecurity can coexist, and acknowledging both can lead to healthier connections.
• Internal Dialogue: Naming and addressing internal fears facilitates personal growth and relationship stability.

Final Thoughts
This episode provides profound insights into how past traumas and cultural conditioning can impact present relationships. Through Esther Perel's expert guidance, Alex begins to navigate his fears, offering listeners valuable lessons on vulnerability, communication, and the courage to embrace love despite inherent anxieties.