Podcast Summary: "I Want to Feel Wanted"
Podcast: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Host: Esther Perel
Episode Title: I Want to Feel Wanted
Release Date: February 17, 2025
Introduction
In the episode titled "I Want to Feel Wanted," Esther Perel delves deep into the complexities of a marital relationship teetering on the brink of dissolution. The session features a couple grappling with sudden marital breakdowns, the aftermath of significant life changes, and underlying issues related to intimacy and desire.
Background of the Couple
The session begins with the wife expressing her shock and confusion over her husband's abrupt decision to end their marriage two weeks prior. She recounts how her husband conveyed his intentions in a brief, emotionally charged conversation that left her blindsided ([00:01] – [00:42]).
Wife: "Two weeks ago, my husband announced to me that he was no longer interested in continuing our marriage, which has kind of blindsided me."
(00:01)
Husband: "I was hoping that things were mutual. I felt like, you know, we weren't intimate..."
(00:54)
The husband attributes his decision partly to his weight loss surgery undertaken a year earlier, noting that such surgeries often strain marital relationships ([01:08] – [01:24]).
Impact of Weight Loss Surgery
Esther Perel provides insight into how weight loss surgery can act as a catalyst for personal identity transformations, potentially destabilizing existing relationships.
Esther Perel: "Even though the surgeons warned that weight loss surgery can lead to the dissolution of the marriage, what they meant was that in this new landscape of bodies there often is also a quest for a new identity."
(01:24)
The husband reflects on his internal changes post-surgery, emphasizing a rekindled self-exploration that diverged from his prior role within the marriage ([01:41] – [02:03]).
Crisis Point and Esther’s Approach
When Esther meets the couple, they are at a critical juncture. The husband has unilaterally decided to leave, seeking clarity and understanding for his sudden shift.
Esther Perel: "When I meet this couple, they are at the height of a crisis... I work from a place of hope."
(02:18 – 02:50)
Exploring Relationship Dynamics
The heart of the session examines the disconnect between love, care, and desire within the marriage. The husband reveals his internal conflict between fulfilling his role as a protector and his diminishing desire for intimacy.
Husband: "I made myself into who I had to be to help the family... the surgery has something to do with trying to realize that I'm not being fully me..."
(05:32 – 06:14)
Esther Perel: "You've been your companionate partner. I haven't been your lover..."
(19:12)
The wife, on the other hand, expresses her longing for the intimacy and desire that has waned over the years, despite her efforts to rekindle it ([10:28] – [10:52]).
Wife: "I appreciate those words, but it's hard to hear knowing that he doesn't have a desire... How we handled the business of the family together."
(10:00 – 10:52)
Love vs. Desire
Esther Perel dissects the fundamental differences between loving someone and desiring them. She introduces the concept of the "love-lust split," where the couple's ability to coexist emotionally and erotically is hindered by their distinct roles within the relationship.
Esther Perel: "Love and desire, they relate, but sometimes they also conflict."
(25:31)
The husband articulates his struggle with maintaining desire while being entrenched in his role as a protector and provider.
Husband: "I think I've expressed it, but I don't know. I'm not confident if I've expressed it."
(06:32 – 07:04)
Metaphors and Communication Barriers
Throughout the session, metaphors like "taking the hose" illustrate the communication barriers and unmet needs within the marriage.
Husband: "If a house is on fire, I feel like she's gonna ask me, how do I help?"
(47:08 – 47:13)
Wife: "I smell something strange... You need my help with something? No, it's fine."
(47:13 – 47:22)
Esther uses these metaphors to highlight the lack of open communication and the resultant emotional distancing.
Sexual Intimacy and Emotional Disconnect
A significant portion of the discussion centers on the absence of sexual intimacy and how it correlates with their emotional bond.
Esther Perel: "You just saw people who never fought were in la la land or you saw people who fought me all the time, right? All the time."
(04:14)
The husband confesses his inability to initiate or sustain sexual intimacy, leading to feelings of inadequacy and confusion.
Husband: "I haven't been comfortable as far as sharing. But I don't want that to interfere with you knowing the value that you've had for me."
(08:51 – 09:18)
Wife: "It's been that way for almost a decade."
(42:27)
Esther’s Guidance and Insights
Esther Perel offers profound insights and practical advice aimed at bridging the emotional and sexual gaps in the relationship.
Esther Perel: "Sex is beautiful and natural and it should just take you. It should take you over without you having to do the slightest effort. And it doesn't."
(35:01 – 35:10)
She encourages the husband to transform his protective instincts into a space where intimacy can flourish, free from the constraints of his traditional roles.
Esther Perel: "Create a masquerade ball together, a space with boundaries that says, this is my erotic space."
(42:32 – 43:08)
Final Reflections and Conclusions
As the session progresses, both partners gain clarity on their unmet needs and the inherent challenges in reconciling their love with their desire.
Wife: "I see you for who you are... I see you as a person that is deeply caring, that is very sensitive..."
(38:15 – 38:24)
Esther Perel: "The desire that I have for you developed early on, and it hasn't gone away."
(39:27 – 39:33)
The episode concludes with Esther emphasizing the importance of balancing love and desire, urging the couple to redefine their relationship dynamics to accommodate both emotional connection and sexual intimacy.
Notable Quotes
-
Wife on Sudden Announcement:
"Two weeks ago, my husband announced to me that he was no longer interested in continuing our marriage, which has kind of blindsided me."
(00:01) -
Husband on Lack of Intimacy:
"I felt like... we weren't intimate. I didn't want to go through another 10 years, another 20, 30 years of life being mediocre."
(00:54) -
Esther on Weight Loss Surgery Impact:
"In this new landscape of bodies there often is also a quest for a new identity."
(01:24) -
Husband on Self-Transformation:
"I made myself into who I had to be to help the family... trying to realize that I'm not being fully me."
(05:32 – 06:14) -
Esther on Love and Desire Conflict:
"Love and desire, they relate, but sometimes they also conflict."
(25:31) -
Metaphor of the Hose:
"If a house is on fire, I feel like she's gonna ask me, how do I help?"
(47:08 – 47:13) -
Esther on Creating Erotic Space:
"Create a masquerade ball together, a space with boundaries that says, this is my erotic space."
(42:32 – 43:08)
Key Takeaways
-
Identity and Transformation: Major life changes, such as weight loss surgery, can trigger profound identity shifts that impact marital dynamics.
-
Love vs. Desire: Loving someone does not inherently guarantee ongoing sexual desire; these facets of a relationship require separate nurturing.
-
Communication Barriers: Unspoken needs and assumptions can create significant emotional distances between partners.
-
Role of Intimacy: Balancing protective instincts with the need for sexual intimacy is crucial for sustaining a healthy relationship.
-
Esther’s Mediation: Professional guidance can illuminate underlying issues and offer pathways to reconcile conflicting emotional and sexual needs.
Conclusion
"I Want to Feel Wanted" offers a poignant exploration of a marriage facing irreversible changes due to unmet emotional and sexual needs. Esther Perel's expert mediation provides valuable insights into the delicate balance between love, care, and desire, underscoring the necessity for open communication and self-awareness in nurturing lasting relationships.