Mothering My Mother Into Mothering Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Mothering My Mother Into Mothering Me"

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel (December 1, 2025)

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Episode Overview

In this raw, emotionally resonant episode, Esther Perel takes a call from a woman navigating profound role reversals and longstanding patterns with her mother, who emigrated from India after an arranged marriage and years of emotional hardship. The central question is: how does one "mother" a parent into becoming the mother she herself needed—especially after decades of being the family’s emotional caretaker? Esther probes the boundaries of responsibility, the cost of parentification, and the complex guilt, anger, and loyalty that bind intergenerational relationships, especially in immigrant families.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parentification and Emotional Burden

• Caller’s Family History: The caller became the family’s “emotional leader” and mediator due to her mother’s lack of world experience and her father’s focus on work. She describes being "an adult since [she] was 8" ([00:00]).
• Role Reversal: The daughter recognizes that she has been more of a mother to her own mom, teaching her everything from social cues to confidence ([14:01]).
• Impact: This dynamic led to resentment, guilt, and a struggle to set boundaries—she expresses feeling responsible for her mother’s wellbeing, often at the cost of her own emotional needs.

“I’ve been thinking about that message I sent you and I’ve landed on the fact that I think I’m trying to mother my mother into mothering me.”
— Caller (03:59)

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2. Recurring Family Patterns and Attempts to Set Boundaries

• Reliance on the Daughter: The parents, especially the mother, often defer decisions and emotional support to the caller, even on matters like home renovations and marital discord ([09:33]).
• Attempts at Change: The caller describes moments of pushing back—advising her mother to use ChatGPT instead of relying on her, and redirecting certain responsibilities ([20:57]).
• Cycle of Guilt and Obligation: When she does assert herself, she feels overwhelming guilt, closely tied to cultural expectations and familial loyalty ([24:13]).

“It’s a binary: I do what she wants and I’m upset with myself… I do what I want and I feel guilty and that I’m not a good daughter.”
— Esther Perel (22:45)

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3. Cultural and Intergenerational Complexity

• Cultural Camouflage: Esther points out that cultural norms and stories can be used as “camouflage”—excusing behaviors as tradition when they are indeed personal coping mechanisms ([32:17]).
• Public Image and Shame: The family hides sensitive matters (like the caller’s partner’s race) from the extended family for fear of judgment, tied to the pressure of preserving family honor ([41:39]).
• Differentiation and Respect: Esther coaches the caller on recognizing her mother’s experience—granting respect without assuming the role of fixer ([46:18]).

“If you want to change the other, change yourself… If you tell her ‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out,’ that’s enough.”
— Esther Perel (21:44)

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4. Anger, Resentment, and Self-Advocacy

• Anger as a Signal: The caller reflects on being labeled “angry” by her family but recognizes her anger as an attempt to hold space for her own needs ([29:00]).
• Navigating Rebellion and Compliance: She describes acts of rebellion (a “fuck you cut” of very short hair) to momentarily break the chain of expectation, then “campaigning” to bring the family along ([35:34]).

“To be angry is a way of remembering yourself. To be angry is a buffer.”
— Esther Perel (29:17)

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5. Practical Tools for Change

• Boundary Language: Esther provides phrases for setting boundaries in warm, non-rejecting ways (“I wish I could help. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’d love to know what you decide”) ([22:14], [23:20]).
• Differentiation Without Disloyalty: The episode stresses that assertiveness need not equate to selfishness or cultural betrayal; both can coexist ([33:07], [33:11]).
• Encouraging Other Family Members to Step Up: Esther suggests having open conversations with the father about sharing emotional labor as the daughter steps into new life phases ([52:13]).

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6. Memorable Quotes & Emotional Highlights

• On False Confidence & Vulnerability:

  “What does it actually mean, right, to ‘perform confidence’? To pretend you know when you don’t. To never be able to say, ‘I don’t know,’ because if she doesn’t know, she turns to you. But if you don’t know, who do you turn to?”
  — Esther Perel (13:37)

• On Cultural Guilt:

  “Asserting my needs…even saying something like that sounds selfish. Some of it is also cultural, like there’s no such Thing as individual needs, right? It’s very much what does the family need.”
  — Caller (31:18)

• On Breaking Patterns:

  "You’re not there to be the conductor. She should be asking her husband. Why not? He’s the partner."
  — Esther Perel (49:40)

• On Letting Go of Control:

  "You’re doing something. You’re actually what it’s called in jargon—you’re actually doing a slight differentiation from her."
  — Esther Perel (45:47)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00 — Caller’s introduction: background, parentification, hope for relational repair
• 03:59 — Realization: “Mothering my mother into mothering me”
• 07:39 — Esther outlines options for what the caller could want
• 14:01 — Duties and emotional education the daughter provides the mother
• 20:25 — Scenario breakdown: how the caller typically responds to her mom’s requests
• 21:44 — Esther’s reframing: changing the binary of resentment and guilt
• 29:17 — Anger and personal boundaries
• 35:34 — “Fuck you cut”: Symbolic rebellion and ensuing compliance
• 41:39 — Hidden relationship: cultural and family shame around interracial dating
• 46:18 — Differentiation and giving responsibility back to the mother
• 52:13 — Planning for family transitions and redistributing emotional labor

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Overall Tone & Final Reflections

The conversation is deeply empathetic but does not shy away from honest examination of family pain and dysfunctional patterns. Esther’s approach is gentle but firm, validating the complexity and heartbreak while equipping the caller with new language and a sense of agency. The episode stands out for bridging multicultural nuance with universal family dilemmas—offering not just therapeutic insight but also solidarity to anyone struggling to change longstanding relational scripts.

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Notable Closing Exchange:

“Esther, this is going to be life changing.”
— Caller (50:26)

“Well, you let me know.… All you need to do is focus on your part of the pattern, and stay consistent and kind and respectful and loving. We’re not in a confrontation here.”
— Esther Perel (48:56)

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Caller (Daughter)]

Hi Esther, I'm speaking to you in hopes that we can talk about the relationship my mother and I have. It's a complicated one, but simply put, I am the mother in the relationship. My mother was a product of an arranged marriage. My parents love each other very much. But my mother is very sheltered growing up and was married and had a child by 23 without much real world experience herself. Then eight years later, after years of emotional abuse from my paternal grandparents, my parents moved to America. I quickly became the intermediary between the outside world and my mom. My father, who was busy with work and providing for his family, had little time to spend with us. And my mom too incapable, my brother too young. I became the emotional leader of my family. I jokingly say I've been an adult since I was 8. This parentification strained many relationships. As I got older, I kept having hope that my mom and I could be both adults now. But that has also rarely happened. Me and my dad have become the caretaker of her emotional needs. And if I were to be very harsh, I would say that she sees herself as the victim in all of this. The time that she had with her in laws, not having the exposure to feel prepared for the outside world, not being able to speak English confidently, all of it kind of becomes barriers to why she can't do something. And if I point out any of these things and how they impacted her children, she gets defensive and even starts guilting, you know, me. So much so that it becomes my job to make her feel better. And this pattern keeps repeating and I don't know how to confront this part of my relationship with her. I love her very much and I have a lot of empathy for what she's gone through and try my best to validate and understand her. But this is also something that's the undercurrent of every interaction I have with her. So any help to mend this part of our relationship would be very helpful. Thank you, Esther.

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[Caller (Daughter)]

I have been thinking about that message that I sent you and I've landed on the fact that I think I'm trying to mother my mother into mothering me. And I don't know if that's a fair thing to accept or expect out of her. And I think I'm trying to understand if I should let that go. But I do feel a lot of hurt, especially when I think about my younger self.

[Esther Perel]

What comes to mind.

[Caller (Daughter)]

The loneliness, the reason it's kind of like top of mind right now is my family loves to watch home videos and I hate to watch them because all I see is evidence of what life was like for me.

[Esther Perel]

Evidence of.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Evidence of a little girl put in charge trying to sustain the well being of her family in a new place with not a lot of like guidance and knowledge of how to do that. And as I got older, I think I started pushing back on some of those responsibilities. But I think it's met with some kind of like desperation of my help. And so then I help. I don't know how not to do that either.

[Esther Perel]

Did you write to us now because you were watching the home videos?

[Caller (Daughter)]

So my partner and I went back home and my parents wanted to watch it with him. And my brother actually suggested we shouldn't do that. Doesn't make her feel good. And then she wanted to validate if that was true. But she was also hoping that it wouldn't be, that it was not the case. So she, before I could even answer it was about, oh, you know, I think you're fine, right? That doesn't bother you, right? He was saying that, but that's not true for you. And I think there was like a moment of what do I say? Do I pretend or do I say the truth? And I chose to say the truth, you know, and not in a way that, you know, tried to point fault to anybody. But what seeing that made me feel, you know, I said it makes me feel sad for that person. And she could tell it was feeling like a criticism of her and she wanted to rationalize it away. I tried to explain that, yes, you weren't set up for success either. But that's not to say that I didn't experience those things, but I Could.

[Esther Perel]

Tell it wasn't landing and you were not surprised?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, I wasn't surprised.

[Esther Perel]

I mean, she was acting according to character.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. She does have moments of, like, understanding. So sometimes I push, hoping that I get a glimpse of that. But if I don't, I'm quick to stop trying.

[Esther Perel]

What would you like? Would you like to be better able to resist the tendency to rescue her at all times? Would you like acknowledgement of what happened in the past? Would you like for her to be able to let you have feelings and not always outdo you? Would you like your father to take you out of the triangle?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Can I say all of the above? I would love all of that in.

[Esther Perel]

One hour or less.

[Caller (Daughter)]

But if I had to choose, I think it's, how do I stop feeling resentful?

[Esther Perel]

The resentment is for her limitations or for how she exploited you because of her limitations? Because that's what you feel. I was put in a position. I was too young. In effect, I kind of had to experience what she had experienced. Not enough experience with the world yet and a ton of responsibility put on me. But it hasn't stopped. Yeah, it's gone from limitations to entitlement.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. My resentment is where she is now. I don't have much about. Yes, it makes me sad to see it and, you know, but I don't feel resentful about that.

[Esther Perel]

Can I ask you for an example of a situation that you wish was different?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Okay. I. You know, my parents, whenever they want to do something to the house, they want to make some kind of renovation adjustment. I'm always kind of like someone they hold up as, oh, having a lot of influence and power in the family, like, oh, let's check in with her and see what she says, and then we'll do that. And oftentimes I feel important. You know, I feel like I'm contributing something. And so it's easy for me to feel like, oh, let me contribute. But that comes to me a lot to a point where, you know, why is my input in this important? And sometimes it's silly things like that, but sometimes it'll be about their marriage, you know, And I, as in, if my mom is feeling like something is not working, I become kind of like her counsel in the matter, like, what should she do? Or feeling like she needs to tell someone about it. And sometimes in the past especially, I would meddle, you know, and the pattern that we got into is my mom would complain to me about my dad, I would go confront my dad, and then it became a fight between me and my dad. And then mom would come in and say, oh, it's not that big of a deal. Let's stop fighting.

[Esther Perel]

And you would feel undermined.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

Because she set you up and then she didn't back you. That is more than just parentified child. You put me in. I came to your rescue, and then you basically found a way to ally with him against me.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. That's how it felt. Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

And then in your head, you say, come again, But I won't be there. I will not intervene anymore. I won't let myself be trapped like this. But then you do it again.

[Caller (Daughter)]

It's gotten better.

[Esther Perel]

Where I could.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Now, I had to tell her, like, your marriage is between you two. You shouldn't be talking to your children, like, about it.

[Esther Perel]

And then she would say, but I don't have my family here. We are alone. We left the extended family. Where?

[Caller (Daughter)]

In India.

[Esther Perel]

In India. And therefore, of course, who else would I be talking to if not my children? But she talks primarily to you, not to your brother or both.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Primarily to you both. But also, I think she also has this perception that, like, oh, men can't handle the nuances of what I'm going through.

[Esther Perel]

So tell me something. On the one hand, they come. I feel important. I feel respected. I feel that I can contribute. On the other hand, I feel that I've had to give my opinion about a lot of things I know nothing about.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

Which means I have to perform confidence.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Oh, yeah. You hit it nail on the head. That's my whole life.

[Esther Perel]

And that probably didn't just stay in the house. No, that accompanied you because you too, Were you born in America?

[Caller (Daughter)]

No, I was born in India.

[Esther Perel]

And you came at what age?

[Caller (Daughter)]

8.

[Esther Perel]

8. So you too, had to do a lot of learning and translating and figuring out the codes and all of that. There's a notion sometimes that the kids learn the language sooner, so they instantly are put as the official translators for everything administrative and all of the rest. See, when people say, I had to be an adult since I was young, what does it actually mean? Right.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

What does it mean to have to perform confidence? To pretend that you know when you don't. To never be able to say, I don't know, because if she doesn't know, she turns to you. But if you don't know, who do you turn to? Right, right. But I'm talking generically and, you know, your own experience. Yeah.

[Caller (Daughter)]

I'm trying to find an example of something that embodies the adult part. It's a lot of logistics and coordinating in an admin kind of way. But sometimes emotionally it's about getting her to understand something like how the world works or how relationships are or what a dynamic between two friends are supposed to be. And sometimes it's that. Sometimes it's like how to be a woman. It's about teaching her how to dress or style herself or put herself out there or be confident. And so that's why I feel like the mother. Like I've taught her everything.

[Esther Perel]

But I'm asking you the flip side of this. I've taught her everything. And in effect, I've told her things I actually didn't really know much about.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

So I come to her with.

[Caller (Daughter)]

A.

[Esther Perel]

Sense of confidence that isn't through. I have to pretend with her that I know what she should do and she should wear and. But fundamentally, I myself am winging it.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

I mean, that's just my words.

[Caller (Daughter)]

It is.

[Esther Perel]

That's how I'm imagining you winging it. It's like, because it's not okay to say I don't know.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

And is that true in other parts of your life too? Does that become a challenge for you?

[Caller (Daughter)]

It does. I've become very self sufficient. If I don't know something, I'll go find out. But the concept of asking someone else, I don't know how to do that.

[Esther Perel]

And do you have your partner who came with you to visit home? How would he describe this? What does he do?

[Caller (Daughter)]

I'm very different with him. I feel like a child. I feel taken care of in the sense that I can be soft and not put together all the time and not know all the answers.

[Esther Perel]

That is not just a child privilege. You can just say, I can. I can let go with him. I can surrender. I don't have to know everything. I have somebody who I can rely on and who I can lean on.

[Caller (Daughter)]

That's right.

[Esther Perel]

Nice, Nice. We have to take a brief break, so stay with us and let's see where this goes.

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[Esther Perel]

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[Esther Perel]

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[Esther Perel]

So imagine mom calls you and what would be the next request I need what?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Can you find me something related to some tasks that I have to do back home? Can you find out who I need to call, what I need to say, what questions I should ask?

[Esther Perel]

Okay, what would be the typical response? I'll get back to you. Let me figure this out.

[Caller (Daughter)]

My recent responses has been have you asked ChatGPT? Because I don't know either. That's what I would do.

[Esther Perel]

Okay. And then what happens? She goes.

[Caller (Daughter)]

She does? Yeah, recently she does.

[Esther Perel]

And dad, does he step in?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Uh, yes, you know, but I think he's kind of constructed his life as he goes to work, he's busy. So my mom is a stay at home mom so she has the time. So all these kind of like questions of research either fall into her but I also work but sometimes they fall into me.

[Esther Perel]

One of the ways you don't engage because you're not here's how I think this unfolds. If you want to change the other, change yourself. If you tell her, go do this. She may on occasion if you tell her I'm so sorry, I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

[Caller (Daughter)]

That's good.

[Esther Perel]

I know that the last times you went to the chat GPT told you this to do that and you figured and I actually learned from what you did. I very much enjoy learning from you.

[Caller (Daughter)]

I don't think I've ever said that.

[Esther Perel]

I'm going to suggest to you a bunch of these but the point of these statements is that they help you.

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Redirect.

[Esther Perel]

And not fall into the I either have to become mean and rejecting and tell her no or I have to do it and then I resent her. So it's a binary. I do what she wants and I'm upset with myself and I do what I want and I'm upset with her or reverse I do what she wants and I'm upset with her. I do what I want and I feel guilty and I feel that I'm not a good daughter and that I'm not loyal and that I'm betraying a set of other values that are very important to me.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yes.

[Esther Perel]

So how do you say no without saying no? It's like I wish I could help. I'm sure you will figure it out. I'd love to know what you decide but I need you help. So let's imagine it continues but I need you too. That's a very good question and I'm sure you will find the answer. It's not even go ask this person and go it's I know that you know you have shown multiple times how clever, thorough, solution oriented, competent and all of this with an accent.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. I kept thinking of it as I have to push back but entering it's like no win. I push back, I feel bad, I do it, I feel Bad. Even talking to you, I felt so guilty.

[Esther Perel]

I imagined it's disloyal.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

She is not responsible. She didn't know better. I mean, you found wonderful ways to excuse her constantly. So to the point where you don't feel you're entitled to have your feelings. They don't exclude each other. You can totally be empathic and understand her and excuse her and understand her circumstances and at the same time feel that she took it too far, or even if she didn't take it too far, that it left you in a sometimes very burdensome situation. Many children of immigrant parents often find themselves in that situation. It's not an uncommon situation, but it's not always even about, you know, in the beginning there's an immigration story, and on occasion there's an immigration reality. But after, what, 20 something?

[Caller (Daughter)]

30.

[Esther Perel]

30, okay. After 30 years.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right. We've lived here, now hunger. Right.

[Esther Perel]

It's like, you know, viscerally, when the story is true and when the story is being used for effect, it's.

[Caller (Daughter)]

It's a crutch, almost.

[Esther Perel]

See, the interesting thing is that you actually will have an easier time if I can use those words to love Mom. You will love her better.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. Instead of despite or.

[Esther Perel]

Yes.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. It also feels emotionally less burdensome to, like, try to carry around either guilt or shame and obligation. Like, I think that was kind of where I was putting myself. It's like, oh, either way I'll feel a negative emotion, but if I don't engage, then I don't have to.

[Esther Perel]

Give me another example.

[Caller (Daughter)]

The example that comes to mind. When my mom's mom passed, I went home to be with her. And what happened when I went is that my dad kind of disengaged from providing that support and my brother didn't come. So it became like her grief was mine to hold and support. And I didn't think that was going to happen. I thought we as a family would come do it together. And I found myself kind of holding it for her, you know.

[Esther Perel]

And what happens to you then?

[Caller (Daughter)]

I feel burdened that, oh, I'm alone in having to do this. I was also grieving, but I had to be strong. I don't know. I think I expected my dad and my brother to also kind of emotionally be there as well.

[Esther Perel]

And do you ask them?

[Caller (Daughter)]

I didn't at the time.

[Esther Perel]

And you didn't. Because what happens? How much do you forget yourself once her reality inhabits you and becomes entirely your reality, that you can no longer have any awareness of any of your own needs? Or needs for her, for that matter.

[Caller (Daughter)]

That's exactly what happened. I just got focused on. I'm here. Okay, fine. I'll help her.

[Esther Perel]

Were you just you alone with her or did you bring some of her other supports?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Just me and her.

[Esther Perel]

Why?

[Caller (Daughter)]

You know, I think someone in the community found out and they wanted to provide some kind of support. And actually I think they called and she didn't want anyone else to know. She was surprised that someone found out and she wanted to kind of become a recluse and asked that person not to share it with anyone else.

[Esther Perel]

But she was not the only one going through the grief.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, yeah. I didn't even consider that.

[Esther Perel]

I know, I know. I see it.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Her feelings feel so big, I don't know how to have space for mine. I had a reputation earlier in my family that I was just angry all the time. I think it was maybe the only feeling I couldn't control.

[Esther Perel]

Sometimes it's not so much that anger is the feeling we can control, but holding on to anger feels is a way of feeling that we at least are holding on to some of our needs.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Ah, yes. Yes.

[Esther Perel]

To be angry is a way of remembering yourself. To be angry is a buffer. And I think that there are other ways to do it that don't demand you to be angry.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

That don't rely on anger as the way to maintain a space for yourself. As you say.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

When you are crying now, they don't know that side of you. They only know the I have no idea what the angry side looks like. I haven't seen an iota of it.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, I actually don't. For a long time I didn't know how to express anger. The anger that they're referring to is me being slightly moody, distant, maybe a little snappy. But no, I don't yell.

[Esther Perel]

But it's ineffective angle. Because you snap and then you do. You snap and you comply.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, yeah. Right.

[Esther Perel]

Versus to actually work diligently on maintaining that space.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

I understand. You do not want other people to know. We have different ways of grieving. For me, other people being here with us, coming to sit with us, bringing food to us, whatever the rituals are that are part of your culture and tradition would help me a lot.

[Caller (Daughter)]

My initial reaction to that is that that feels very selfish. I know that's bad, but probably why been conditioned so much to even say something like that sounds selfish.

[Esther Perel]

What about it? I'm not surprised. But what about it?

[Caller (Daughter)]

I think something is. Some of it is also cultural, like there's no such Thing as individual needs. Right. It's very much what does the family need.

[Esther Perel]

But she didn't think about that either. I don't want anybody to know is not a cultural need.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, right.

[Esther Perel]

You know, you probably know that from having heard me at other times. I give tremendous room and space and respect for cultural values.

[Caller (Daughter)]

You do.

[Esther Perel]

But I also have learned that in families, we sometimes do cultural camouflage.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yes. Yes.

[Esther Perel]

Yeah. It's like we don't do this. Our culture. We don't do this. And we use the culture to make a point that has not much to do with the culture itself. When she doesn't want anyone to know. That is not actually the cultural value. When you say this is happening to the whole family. We are all going through a loss and we are all grieving. We need the support we can get. And you can say it in the we.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

You are not usurping her needs and you are not imposing your individual. Americanized, selfish, self centered.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, right, right.

[Esther Perel]

What else? What other words are used?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Americanized is definitely one. There's a big kind of like, what I want, I do.

[Esther Perel]

So it's very interesting. If you assert some of your needs toward mom, you instantly will feel selfish.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yes.

[Esther Perel]

Mom instantly will experience you as defiant.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yes.

[Esther Perel]

So the system is well put in place to make sure.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Finish my sentence to keep everyone in their place.

[Esther Perel]

My invitation is a both end.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Okay. Right.

[Esther Perel]

It's not me versus you.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

Both end is we are all grieving. It's a big, big, big loss. Differently for different people. But let's say it's a big loss. Is it?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, it is. Yeah. I see the pattern. I see that, like the flash of images that you. What I just experienced. There is so much that she expects the family to kind of do in terms of accommodating to her. And I see that as like one force kind of pulling me into what is expected of me. And then to your point, I feel like I build up anger and resentment and then I snap and then I rebel and then find a way for me to feel comfortable complying.

[Esther Perel]

Walk me through it.

[Caller (Daughter)]

There was a lot of pressure on me, especially in my early 20s, to be a good Indian daughter that wants to get married. And in our culture, a lot of that, everything about us is policed in that quest. And hair is a big one. So everyone feels very committed to how long your hair should be. Because hair represents femininity and it should be long and luscious or whatever. And every once in a while go cut it. And one day I cut it. Off completely. I had a pixie cut, essentially, like something that.

[Esther Perel]

A fuck you cut.

[Caller (Daughter)]

A fuck you cut. Exactly. A fuck you cut. I did it because I wanted it and I didn't ask for permission or, you know, anything.

[Esther Perel]

And that delayed your prospects of marriage by how many years?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Well, considering I'm still not married pending, I think it was a big fuck you to the family, to the expectations, to my mom's expectations of me, the culture, all of it. And I felt like, so here's a rebellious act that says fuck you. And now I'm gonna bring them onto my side. I'm gonna say, it's just hair. It grows back. I'm young. I'm too young to be married anyway. And so I go on this campaign and then sometimes they do come around and, you know, I acted out.

[Esther Perel]

But I am a good girl and a good daughter. Anyway, I had an act of rebellion, but I'm still loyal. Dutiful, yes.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Breaks my heart, but yes, that's been the pattern.

[Esther Perel]

We are in the midst of our session and there is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break, so stay with us.

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[Caller (Daughter)]

Oh. Hey.

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[Esther Perel]

Whoa.

[Ad Voice 1]

Zoe Saldana.

[Ad Voice 2]

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[Caller (Daughter)]

Wow.

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[Esther Perel]

Forget that.

[Ad Voice 2]

Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Ad Voice 1]

Sounds like my family drama.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Oh, I got it.

[Ad Voice 2]

I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[Esther Perel]

Hey, where are you going?

[Caller (Daughter)]

To T mobile.

[Esther Perel]

Thanks Zol.

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[Esther Perel]

Is your partner from the same culture?

[Caller (Daughter)]

No, he's black.

[Esther Perel]

And how has the family received that? Not the fact that he's black as much as the fact that he's not from the culture. It's both.

[Caller (Daughter)]

It's both. My parents wanted me to have an arranged marriage for early in my 20s. That perception slowly changed as I think they just got more aware of what dating is like. And so they sat me and my brother down maybe in our mid-20s, to say, you can marry, date whoever you want. But I think that whoever you want had parentheses of you know what's accepted. I don't think they expected me to bring home black man. My dad never really voiced an opinion, but I think my mom was shocked. Yeah. And I essentially told her, I understand your feelings towards it, but it's not mine to carry with you. I can't help you process that. And she did it, I guess, probably with the help of my brother. She probably sourced it over there. My extended family doesn't know that I'm dating anybody.

[Esther Perel]

Why is that?

[Caller (Daughter)]

I have to go back a little. When we moved to America, my paternal grandparents thought that was a Big mistake. Especially to raise a daughter in America. So much so that they sent a newspaper clipping of Girls Gone Wild to my parents to say, this is the future you've established for her. I think what is considered honorable is moving, changing within the community and within my family. You know, dating is okay, but let's get married. And if we're on the track to marriage, then we'll tell people. But I think it's mostly her. She doesn't want to share yet.

[Esther Perel]

It would be the same if it was an Indian man.

[Caller (Daughter)]

No, it would not be.

[Esther Perel]

So let's put the dots where they belong.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

Here'S another one. Mom, I very much can see the bind that you are in. On the one hand, you want to give me the freedom that you know I need and that raising your children in America entails. And on the other end, you don't want your wicked in laws to tell you that you failed and they were right all along. I see the bind, and I have a lot of respect for how you have to deal with it, period.

[Caller (Daughter)]

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Usually when I make a decision that they don't agree with, it's not that they don't agree, but maybe they have some apprehension about how other people feel about it. I have to coach them on what to say.

[Esther Perel]

Yes.

[Caller (Daughter)]

And so to not do that would be great.

[Esther Perel]

So basically, what should your mom say to the extended family in order for the extended family not to berate her, to put her down, to criticize her, to feel threatened because everybody is supposed to participate in the maintaining of the status quo that is part of the collectivist culture. Okay. If you approached her with this, I see the bind you're in, and you have so much experience with this bind. It's been 30 years. You navigate this. I don't nearly have that kind of experience. My experience is about doing the things I want and not having to feel too guilty for putting you in the bind. But I don't know how to handle the bind. It's like I need to behave a certain way so that you can stand proud in front of the people that stayed in India and told you not to come or any other situation like that. It's constantly intergenerational and we're only addressing three. There may be more.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

So if you say, you know, I have a lot of respect for the kind of complexities that you have to deal with, period, nothing else, then what? Play it with me.

[Caller (Daughter)]

She'll get anxious.

[Esther Perel]

She says, yeah. She'll say, well, she's.

[Caller (Daughter)]

She'll say, I don't know what to say. I don't want to put. I don't want to have that conversation.

[Esther Perel]

I don't blame you.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

They're not always very understanding. They don't live between two cultures the way we do, and for them, things are more clear. I don't blame you, period. You should ask her to ask. Chatgpt. We should have the chat right now. Comparing notes with us.

[Caller (Daughter)]

You know, I don't think I ever thought that not doing something was an option.

[Esther Perel]

I know that. But you're doing something. You're just not doing the thing that you have been assigned and have gotten used and have taken on to consistently do. You're doing something. You're actually what it's called in jargon. You're actually doing a slight differentiation from her. This is your dilemma. And there's not a word I've said that isn't true. She has more experience than you.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

This is her dilemma. This is their dilemma. I'm sure you and dad will discuss and find the right way to approach this. I want my partner choice to be celebrated.

[Caller (Daughter)]

It feels like a more peaceful stance.

[Esther Perel]

I understand that it's hard for you, mom, to tell them how happy you are for me, and I understand how hard it may be for you to tell me that you can't tell me you're happy for me because you're constantly having to deal with the voices from abroad. Yeah, that's a dilemma. I hope that by the time we make a decision, you find a way to come around. Meaning you speak to her like an adult.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Mm.

[Esther Perel]

It's the same as when people have decided that someone is an income poop. You know, they've decided this person is incompetent, so they all the time talk to their incompetence.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Me, I'm doing that.

[Esther Perel]

They don't talk to the whole person.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. And I think I feel bad about the person that I am when I'm confronted with it. Like, I don't see her whole. I definitely see the deficiency, and then I'm frustrated, and then I'm frustrated with the person that I am in that moment.

[Esther Perel]

Yeah, but your mom has, you know, 30 years of experience, so, you know, there's a whole journey.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

In a way, you've all been convinced by the fears, but the fears live in a larger frame. There's a lot of other things about this woman. And the invitation is for you to speak to the whole person. I like that she says, I don't Know what to say. I say yes. Those are difficult conversations to have. You don't jump in and instantly offer whatever she needs to say because you don't actually have a clue. It's never been your dilemma. You don't really know what to say.

[Sponsor Voice 3]

I mean, yes, you can come up.

[Esther Perel]

With all kinds of smart things. You're very smart. But in effect, she knows more about it than you.

[Caller (Daughter)]

I don't think I've ever known any of the right things. With what she's going through, I'm guessing at best.

[Esther Perel]

So you just said, nobody knows this as well as you. Now, this is not always going to be received. Oh, thank you. That is so nice. Because you're loosening a pattern. And all you need to do is focus on your part of the pattern, okay? And stay consistent and kind and respectful and loving. We're not in a confrontation here.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right? What if she can't get what she needs from me and then tries to get it from somewhere else within the family? Maybe brother, dad.

[Esther Perel]

That's her choice.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

You're not there to be the conductor. She should be asking her husband. Why not? He's the partner.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

And you can say, I'm sure that you will find the right resources to help you figure this out. I wish I could tell you. I don't know now. What's different is that you're not saying, I wish you didn't ask me.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Or.

[Esther Perel]

You'Re not saying, why should I be the one to tell you every time you come to me. Do you think I have any idea? I don't know anything. No, there's no need to react because what you're doing is. You're disengaging.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. Esther, this is going to be life changing.

[Esther Perel]

Well, you let me know. I don't know. I hope it's step. Step, huh?

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah. At least my own. Like, I get caught up in this, like, pattern over and over again, and I play the same part and she plays the same part.

[Esther Perel]

Correct? Correct. And we start. I mean, you know, there are many ways to approach this. We could do a whole analysis of it. We could try to understand it. We could look at the attachment story. I think today I thought when I listened to your question, I would want to start with actually diluting the rigidity of the interaction and suggesting some tools that allow you to respond not from the reactive place in which you either resent, angry, guilty, feel bad about you feel bad about her. It's set already. That has taken 30 years, too. So how do you speak to an adult and how do you not perform false confidence because you are afraid that if you don't instantly step in, she will be all alone.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

And so as a result, you are weeping, feeling all alone yourself. Nobody needs to be all alone.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Right.

[Esther Perel]

One doesn't compensate for the other. And at some point you'll have a conversation with your father, if that's possible.

[Caller (Daughter)]

What do I say.

[Esther Perel]

As I start another life for myself, as I have my own relationship, you're going to be more needed in the house. We are about to go through another transition. Married or not married, it doesn't matter.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

I stepped in when you were off and gone. At this moment, you will step in as I am about to step out a little more.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. I felt like everyone was burdened already. Let me do my part. Touch and burden some people.

[Esther Perel]

You can do that. The goal is not to never do that. You'll do that too, but you won't be caught.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Esther Perel]

You can blend duty and choice.

[Caller (Daughter)]

I hadn't thought that as an option either. I think right now I choose and then I justify the choice. Mm. Thank you so much. This has been really eye opening and I felt like we were in this like stuck space and you just kind of like added a jiggle and we're unstuck.

[Esther Perel]

Thank you so much.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Thank you. Take care.

[Esther Perel]

You too.

[Caller (Daughter)]

Bye.

[Esther Perel]

Bye.

[Narrator/Host]

This was an Esther calling. A one time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world. If you have a question you'd like to explore with Estaire that could be answered in a 40 or 50 minute phone call, send her a voice message and Esther might just call you. Send your question to [e-mail] where should we Begin with Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media podcast network in partnership with New York Magazine and the Cut. Our production staff includes Eric Newsom, Destry Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller and Julian Att. Original music and additional production by Paul Schneider. And the executive producers of Where Should We Begin? Are Esther Perel and Jesse Baker. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller and Jack Saul.

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