Episode Summary: “The One Who Stays and the One Who Goes”

Podcast: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Release Date: November 10, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Esther Perel meets with a couple in their early thirties—both veterinarians—who are wrestling with the strains of divergent career paths, recurring physical and emotional separation, and the looming question of whether to start a family. Having shared a life and profession through veterinary school, they now face the challenges of balancing one partner’s passion for international research (and resultant long absences) and the other’s stable but demanding local clinical practice. The session dives into feelings of loneliness, guilt, differing expectations around partnership, unresolved family-of-origin patterns, and the need for new communication strategies as they contemplate the next phase of their lives together.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Transition from Shared Reality to Differentiation

• [01:41–02:10] The couple recounts their “in the trenches” closeness during veterinary school and how that intense shared reality papered over differences that are now surfacing as their lives have diverged.
• Esther Perel ([07:21–08:32]): “You are now in a developmental stage that is one of differentiation, in which each of you is trying to define themselves… a process of needing to articulate your needs, your pursuits, your ambitions…”

2. The Toll of Physical Separation: Who Stays, Who Goes?

• [02:24–03:02] The male partner describes the personal and professional fulfillment he finds during months-long international assignments, juxtaposed by the female partner’s feelings of being left to manage the entirety of their domestic life, house, and eight pets alone:
  • Partner 1: “…which can be really taxing for me.”
  • Partner 2: “…it feels like a life changing experience. Really impactful personal growth…”
• [12:30–13:24] The female partner opens up: “When you come back, it feels like we are not good enough… Like, the last time you came back, you didn't even want to give me a hug or a kiss.”

3. Unresolved Communication and Emotional Disconnect

• [09:27–09:40] Trust issues are exposed:
  • Esther: “What good does it do for you to say, I really care and I'm interested... if he doesn't believe it?”
  • Partner 1: “Feels like he doesn't.”
• [14:56–15:48] She describes her growing frustration and the sense that her dreams and desires are perpetually put on hold to support his ambitions.
  • Partner 1: “I’m in a constant hamster wheel… you get this exciting life where you can do whatever you want and I don't know.”

4. Guilt and Emotional Containment

• [24:22–25:23] The male partner’s guilt around absence, and his difficulty expressing warmth or enthusiasm upon return:
  • Partner 2: “I have a lingering sense of guilt for being gone and also for liking what I'm doing so much. While you are having a hard time.”
• [30:14–34:14] Perel identifies a cyclical pattern: the female partner feels she cannot express how hard things are during his absence, as he will only respond with guilt or problem-solving (not emotional support).
  • Esther ([30:14]): “...you are problem solvers… you don’t address the problem of the emotions, which don’t have a solution.”
  • Partner 1 ([33:11]): “A lot of the time [when] he’s gone, it very much feels like I can't talk about the challenges… because he's gonna feel guilty about it.”

5. The Inheritance of Family Dynamics

• [17:38–18:26] The male partner links his comfort with separation and focus on work to his own upbringing—his father, also a wildlife biologist, was absent much of the year.
  • Partner 2: “I think he was very lonely, and I know he missed being at home.”
• [37:08–39:00] He discusses emotional avoidance, rooted in growing up in a volatile household: “The most direct way I learned how to deal with it was having a singular focus on something and… not letting my emotions get out of whack.”

6. The Struggle to Express and Receive Love

• [43:04–44:49] Despite his readily shared admiration for his partner to others, the male partner expresses difficulty in being vulnerable and directly affectionate.
  • Partner 2 ([43:42]): “I have the hardest time saying I love you to the person I love the most… I keep some distance to protect myself.”
  • Partner 1: “I can try to be better at teaching you.”

7. The Question of Starting a Family and Compromise

• [52:29–53:47] Esther confronts the practical reality:
  • Esther: “Eight pets and one or two kids and two full careers with very little support… is going to crush you. You're going to have to start to be more creative, who may need to adjust for a period…”
  • Partner 1: “I feel like there has never been a compromise in these conversations…”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Esther Perel ([13:40]): “I feel more lonely even than when you're gone.”
• Esther Perel ([34:14]): “What does it take for us to be able to actually tolerate the distress of our partner without being instantly reactive and wanting it to stop?”
• Partner 1 ([35:29]): “I look forward so much when you're gone to talking to you… I wouldn't wanna waste that time.”
• Partner 2 ([46:22]): “The fact that we're paying a mortgage and have cars and are able to travel, that is 2/3 plus supported by her.”
• Esther Perel ([53:36]): “He wants the rest to stay put as it is.”
• Esther Perel ([47:23]): “I'm such a lucky guy. I am passionate about something, I'm quite selfish about it, and I'm so lucky to have you and I owe you so much.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Background and Origin Story: [01:41–03:18]
• The Challenge of Long Absences: [02:24–03:50]
• Articulating Needs Post-Grad School: [07:21–08:32]
• Communication Breakdown and Trust: [09:27–10:15]
• Reintegration Struggles After Absence: [12:30–16:00]
• Parental Models and Childhood Influence: [17:38–18:26]
• The Snowblower Incident—A Microcosm: [25:23–28:38]
• The Limits of Problem-Solving, Need for Emotional Support: [30:14–34:14]
• Phone Communication and Emotional Dread: [35:29–37:03]
• Difficulties Expressing and Receiving Love: [43:04–44:49]
• Career Sacrifice, Financial Realities, and Resentments: [45:30–47:23]
• The Need for Compromise Around Family Planning: [52:27–53:47]

Flow and Dynamics

The session unfolds as a series of revelations, gradually shifting from surface logistics and complaints (“he’s gone all the time,” “I’m always alone with the pets”) to deeper emotional patterns rooted in family history and attachment style. Esther continually redirects the couple from problem-solving and blame toward expressing vulnerability, recognizing paradoxes, and seeing the emotional “padding” that’s missing in their exchanges.

Memorable is how the pets act as physical stand-ins for the absent partner or the warmth that can’t always be expressed between the humans in the room—symbolizing both their bond and the ways connection is displaced.

Esther ends by underscoring their life transition: moving from a shared, student-centric life to one requiring negotiation, flexibility, and sacrifice—not just for their own fulfillment, but for the family they might become.

Concluding Insight

Ultimately, this episode offers a nuanced, touching exploration of how two people who love one another deeply can nonetheless struggle to bridge the gap between lives that have diverged—and how acknowledging the paradoxes of longing, guilt, ambition, and connection can open the path toward genuine compromise and intimacy.

For a continuation (exploring sexuality in their relationship), listeners are invited to a follow-up episode available to subscribers.