← Where the River Took Us
Where the River Took Us
Where We Go
00:46:44
In the final episode, Texas Monthly senior editor Aaron Parsley speaks with his sister, Alissa Parsley, about life in the aftermath of the flood.
Loading summary
Transcript128 lines
- [00:00]
A
Before we get started, a warning that this show contains descriptions of subjects including child loss, drowning and grief. Texas monthly. There's a park near the house where my sister Alyssa and her husband Lance live. Rosemary plays there all the time. There are some playgrounds, picnic tables under shady trees, tennis courts and a big open field. Rosemary and Clay's nanny, Darice, would bring them here, and so would other nannies who take care of other kids who live in the neighborhood. Every afternoon they'd all be here together, playing and talking. This is also where they'd throw birthday parties, gathering around picnic tables and singing. They'd hang a pinata from one of the trees. The kids would blow out their candles. There's a video of Clay at one of these parties, standing under the pinata with a stick that's way too big for him. Last November 14th would have been his turn for a party, so Dottie's invited us all to the park.
- [01:21]
B
Rosemary, did you see Berries here?
- [01:25]
A
Alyssa, Lance, Rosemary and their big greyhound, Mulder were all there.
- [01:30]
C
That is the biggest dog I've ever seen.
- [01:32]
A
And more than a dozen kids and the women who take care of them. Clay would have turned 2. It was a bright, clear afternoon. Everyone, kids and grownups, wore white. Darice brought white balloons with a picture of Clay printed on each of them. Darice is an important member of the family. She adored Clay and adores Rosemary. They go to the Children's Museum and different playgrounds around town. She buys little gifts and takes pictures of their outings. She'll send the photos to Alyssa, and Alyssa will send them to me. In Lance and Alyssa's kitchen, Dottie's has set up an altar for Clay. There's a big poster sized photo of him in the frame. He's smiling and as cute as can be. It has grown to include dozens of other family photos and memorabilia. There are cards, charms, a blanket, his favorite outfit and a pacifier, kids drawings, handmade gifts and more than a dozen candles. Daris also keeps a glass of fresh ice water there, a Mexican tradition meant to quench the thirst of souls visiting from the afterlife. And Ern is here, too. Dark green like the Guadalupe with the inscription Clay Fontaine Parisher, November 14, 2023 to July 4, 2025. At the park on his birthday, Dadis and her friends passed out white balloons to all the kids. Of course, they immediately started running wild, Rosemary included. I was surprised that no one let them go too soon. Daris also brought candles for the adults and rigged them in clear plastic cups to protect the flame once they were lit and the kids were as corralled as they were going to be. Daris led everyone in a cheerful. Everyone counted. And then all at once, they released the balloons. Soon they were tiny white dots against an expanse of baby blue sky soaring west towards the hill country. Then they were gone. And then Darius led us in a prayer. I kept an eye on my sister. She was smiling behind her dark sunglasses. Alyssa and I have always been close. She lives in Austin, too. She's an attorney and worked with our dad before he started retirement. We've been through a lot together over the years. We understand each other and we've had a lot of fun together. When she got married, she didn't want to have a bachelorette party. She just invited me to go to Maine and we and we went to Portland and Acadia National Park. And then when I got married, I didn't want to have a bachelor party. So Alyssa and I went to see Miranda Lambert together in Las Vegas. Just the two of us. We're supportive in that way and always just want to be there for each other. When Alyssa asked me about participating in the podcast, of course I wanted her to tell her own story of what the past year has been like. But I also wanted to be careful. In the end, though, she. She wanted to participate. Honestly, Liz, like, they're probably already recording. We can just talk.
- [05:06]
C
I am a little nervous.
- [05:07]
A
I'm a little nervous too, but I don't think we should be. From Texas Monthly, I'm Erin Parsley, and this is where the river took us. Episode 7 Where We Go I already knew I wanted this show to be a tribute to Alyssa's strength and how proud I was of her and how she's handled living through this nightmare. And she told me if there was any chance her story might be helpful to someone else, then she wanted to do it. So I started thinking about ways she might contribute that felt right and safe and valuable to her and the listeners. One of them was to talk about how the flood is still so present in her life, how daily tasks can become these daunting mountains to climb, like dropping Rosemary off at school. It's a simple thing that every parent understands, but that takes on new meaning and grief.
- [06:01]
C
Drop off is Monday through Friday at 9am and you have to check her in on her iPad and everything. And Clay was supposed to start at that same school. Last summer was the summer from hell. It was so hot and it was like never ending. And we kept saying, when school starts, we'll have a routine. And Rosemary needs that and we need that. And we kept hoping for school to start, just to signal the end to this summer.
- [06:37]
A
Alyssa had actually just come from dropping off Rosemary again that morning. How's she doing?
- [06:43]
C
Rosemary is.
- [06:46]
B
She's spunky.
- [06:49]
C
I think she's doing really well. I think. Well, for instance, walking into her preschool today, I saw a woman who's a friend. Her daughter's in Rosemary's class, and she said she had to drop something off at the school yesterday. And I guess Rosemary was taking a bathroom break. So she saw Rosemary skipping out from the side yard where they were playing and skipped all the way to the bathroom. And Anna said she wished she had her phone or something to take a video because she was just happy she was skipping to the bathroom. I mean, when was the last time you felt like skipping? Just in the moment, living her life. She just told me that today, and I said, thank you. You know, I think the mothers at that school, I think they know I need to hear these stories. Them observing her, knowing what she's been
- [07:48]
A
through, and reassuring you that she's a skipper.
- [07:52]
B
Yeah.
- [07:54]
A
I just have to say, like, for me, Rosemary has been an example of how to embrace the fact that we're still here. And her resilience is just really inspiring to me. She's just a delight.
- [08:09]
C
There's some hard times, too. But if you want to learn about being present and not ruminating on the past or the future, kids are our best teachers. And Rosemary, You know, I think Lance and I are doing better and trying our best even harder because of her. And I don't know where we would be without her. The other night, we were trying to explain luck to her. She heard bad luck somewhere, and Lance said, well, you know, bad luck is like when something bad happens and you don't know why or how or, you know, like, the flood was bad luck. And I told her later, right before bed, which is the sweetest time, I said, rosemary, we also have good luck in this family because we have you. And the look on her face, and you can see her kind of process the words, and the way it made her feel so special was like, that's it. She turned towards me and gave me a spontaneous hug. And it just, you know, I hope I remember those moments forever, because that was. That was so sweet.
- [09:40]
A
Alyssa has made a huge effort in the aftermath of the flood to process what has happened, to grieve in a way that is right for her to attend to the horrific trauma she experienced, to get care that's available from all kinds of sources. And just to wake up every day and be a mom and a wife and to do her job, it's incredibly difficult, more difficult than I could ever imagine. But she has made the effort and I'm so grateful for that because it is paying off. I see the work that she has done and how it's paying off, and I'm so, so proud of her. Well, I want to give you a chance to talk as much as you want about, about Clay. Whatever you want to say, Liz.
- [10:27]
C
Oh, where do I start? You know.
- [10:33]
B
You know,
- [10:37]
C
he was only 20 months
- [10:39]
B
old when he died, so I didn't know him for that long. In some ways I feel like I was just starting to get to know him.
- [10:53]
C
But in some ways that's not true.
- [10:56]
B
You know already who they are when they're born.
- [11:01]
C
He was like Rosemary. He didn't like being a newborn. He was ready to be bigger from the get go and, you know, run and jump and kick and play and wrestle before his body was capable. And I just think they had this ganas, this like, yearning to be able to do more. So once he was sitting up and crawling and walking, he was on the go. And he was such a good kicker. Blance and I were amazed because at like a year old, he could kick a ball in between the high chair legs from like 10ft away. Like, wow. He loved music and he loved dancing and he would wiggle his little diaper bottom.
- [11:57]
B
So cute.
- [11:58]
C
And Darius would sing this song in Spanish that had some bad words, but she would skip the bad words and just sing dee dee dee dee dee. And he would sit there and kind of be in a half squat, just moving his butt, holding his arms up. And it was so funny because Darius and I knew what the bad words were saying, but he was just having a ball. And there was something that I brought up to my mother in law last weekend that I hadn't said to anyone that was about his eyes. I felt like Clay had these sort of all knowing eyes, and I could see it when I look back in
- [12:46]
B
pictures
- [12:50]
C
that the intelligence and the depth and the knowingness behind those eyes was. It was almost intimidating. Like he, he could see right through me. If I had any, any falseness or pretense going on about me that day. Elaine, my mother in law, said, you know, Alyssa, I haven't said to anyone either, but I've seen that. And we, we were walking around their
- [13:19]
B
ranch and we both said that might
- [13:24]
C
mean that he had some, some knowledge
- [13:28]
B
that he wasn't long for this world. So he chose to live as full as he could.
- [13:42]
C
I may be making this all up
- [13:44]
B
to comfort myself, who knows? But his eyes spoke to me that way. And he was loved every day. He was celebrated every day of his life.
- [14:01]
C
The last days of his life were probably some of his best. Darius took them on an epic field trip day. And you and me and Patrick and Rosemary showed him a great time at the river. And he got to swim in that beautiful river.
- [14:21]
B
And he even pretended to go off the rope swing with my help. But even up until that morning when
- [14:30]
C
we all Woke up at 4am he
- [14:32]
B
wanted to play with Patrick.
- [14:35]
A
Alyssa and Lance have made sure that Clay is still a part of their family life.
- [14:41]
C
I take his picture when I go on trips. And Lance and I had these rings made with his ashes. So he's omnipresent. He's taking on the shape of a cardinal for me and for Lance, for us. I can't remember how or why, but whenever I see a cardinal now, I take it as Clay coming to say hi. I've always loved birds and he liked birds too. You know, as much as an almost two year old can like anything. He always looking at him, he couldn't say the word yet. But redbird cardinal has become his spirit animal for me. And I think there's one that lives in our backyard, so that's helpful.
- [15:37]
A
On the altar for Clay, in the kitchen, Alyssa added a stuffed cardinal that makes a bird sound.
- [15:42]
C
I got that in Lockhart when I came to visit you on Valentine's Day. I'll take that outside and press it. Hoping to call cardinals. So silly. It hasn't worked yet, but I'm hoping one day it does.
- [16:00]
A
Last year, as the weeks went on after the flood, the fall brought a whole series of difficult milestones for our family. Back to school, Clay's birthday and the looming holidays. I was thinking about Halloween and I was with y'.
- [16:16]
D
All.
- [16:17]
A
I don't remember Halloween this year. It was tough.
- [16:24]
C
What did we do?
- [16:25]
A
Well, I went over and it was hot and Lance was dressed as a vampire and Rosemary was like a vampire.
- [16:34]
C
Was she a witch?
- [16:36]
A
I think she's a vampire. She's wearing like this black and red gown.
- [16:39]
C
Oh, yes, yes, yes. She was like a gothic witch. Vampire. Yes, yes, yes. And I just wore a pumpkin T shirt, right?
- [16:47]
A
Skeleton.
- [16:47]
C
A skeleton T shirt. Oh, yeah.
- [16:51]
A
To me, the reason I think about Halloween is because a year before, you know, I was with you and Lance and Rosemary and Clay, and we had a really good time. And this year it sort of just represents like this effort that you're making, that we're all making, to give Rosemary, like, a happy childhood that she deserves, even under such incredibly difficult circumstances.
- [17:20]
C
It sounds like Christmas, too, where you go through the motions. It's the first time you do something without your loved one. It feels false and hollow. I mean, Christmas Day was so dark
- [17:38]
B
for me, and you don't want that for Rosemary, so you do all the things. But she's not an idiot.
- [17:49]
C
I mean, she's picking up on the vibes and the energy, and I hope she had a good time Christmas morning, but it was a horrible day. It might have been the hardest day for me since Clay's passing. I went and got takeout that night, and it felt very sad and cold. I called Darice and asked her to please come over, and she did. She and her sister came over with their husband and Valentina, and God blessed them just for an hour, just to have some other energy. I love them so much for that. But, yeah, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I don't remember it.
- [18:46]
A
Being a parent and going to work while experiencing grief and trauma takes so much effort. But that's only a part of what Lance and Alyssa have had to take on since the flood. They also have to take care of themselves. My friend Michael McCown and his family started the Love Like Lenny Fund to honor his daughter Linnie, who died at Camp mystic during the flood. That inspired us, and we decided to start a fund in Clay's honor so everyone who knew or heard about our family and wanted to help would have somewhere to donate. We raised some money and settled on two organizations to donate to for the first time. Austin Sunshine Camps, which provides overnight summer camp experiences for kids who might not otherwise be able to attend and has been meaningful to Lance for years and experience camps. They offer a summer camp for kids who have experienced loss and grief, and they're doing it for the first time in Texas this year.
- [19:43]
C
We found it fitting and so beautiful to give the first gift on his.
- [19:49]
B
What would have been his second birthday. It was a really good day.
- [19:56]
A
I'm so grateful that we've been able to give as a way to honor Clay's memory. It's been so important to Alyssa, Lance, and the whole family. I want to say, like, Alyssa, I'm so proud of you because you've put forth this incredible effort, but I know you didn't want to do it at times. You didn't want to do it, and you don't get to take a break. You have all this work to do to deal with this tragedy, to deal with grief and trauma and raising a kid, it's incredibly hard. And I have seen you reach out for care, get up and go to appointments, seek out the people and community and services that you need. And I'm so proud of you because I have seen how that effort has paid off. And I know it doesn't feel like that most of the time, but from where I sit, I see how it's paid off. And I'm so grateful for. For you for putting in the effort. What I want to hear from you is, like, what has been most helpful?
- [21:20]
C
First and foremost, my partner, my husband, my best friend, Lance, especially the first few weeks after. I don't remember those weeks. I feel like my. My brain was scrambled, and it's fuzzy and surreal, and there were a lot of people around and food everywhere. And the most I remember is waking up in the middle of the night and just walking through the house, not recognizing anything
- [21:53]
B
myself. This house we live in. Lance was steadfast, and I know people
- [22:07]
C
were telling him, you have to feel, too. You can't just be a strong man. You have to have your feelings, too. But in those first few weeks, he was our support, and we all slept together, Rosemary, Lance, and I, in the big bed. And it was about finding any source of comfort we could, All having nightmares, waking up and holding each other. He was a big part of survival at first. And still the other thing is women. There's this incredible community of women that have stepped up to help me, and I can't say enough about him.
- [23:05]
A
One of these women is a yoga therapist and nervous system coach who's helped her address the trauma she experienced on July 4th.
- [23:13]
C
And she's allowed to say things that I think a professional therapist might not be able to say. Like several months after she said, you
- [23:25]
B
have to come out of the water, she knew. She knew there was a part of me that wanted to die with Clay in that water. I remember going underwater and saying, this is it. This could be how I die if I just take a deep breath in.
- [23:56]
C
But my body wouldn't let me, and I couldn't do it. And Rosemary was still clinging to me. And so I fought, and she.
- [24:12]
B
She went there with me to that moment, and she told me, you gotta come out of that water, Alyssa. You don't have to leave Clay, and you don't have to feel less connected to him, but you have to leave the water.
- [24:34]
D
And I.
- [24:35]
C
You know, I haven't met a therapist that will speak that directly to me.
- [24:42]
A
Alyssa's told Me what she's learning about, like finding ways to unlock what's happening in our bodies when we hold on to pain and trauma. She's also learned about traditional ways people and communities deal with intense grief.
- [24:55]
B
After we got down from the tree, I remember clawing at the dirt, just wailing for him. And we need more of that. You know,
- [25:13]
C
it's. There's a reason it was a common practice back in the day before our buttoned up society, you know, wanted quiet mourning and private sadness and, you know, hide your grief away and put on a brave face for the public and all that stuff. That is so not what our bodies want to do. And our bodies, our bodies know they know how to heal from trauma. It's when we don't let them and we cover them up with our minds that I think sickness and resentment and fallings out and all the bad stuff happens.
- [26:08]
A
Alyssa has also done EMDR therapy. That stands for eye movement desensitization and
- [26:14]
C
reprocessing, which is, you know, my doctor calls it hocus pocus. That works. And she's, the md says that just because they don't know how it works, they just know it works.
- [26:29]
A
This is a therapy that's a few decades old and used to help folks with distressing memories, PTSD and other conditions. Scientists are still learning just how it works, and there are different ways to do it, but the idea is to revisit a traumatic memory in your mind while at the same time performing some kind of action that grounds you in the present. It's supposed to help process the traumatic event by giving it context, a sequence or a narrative, so it's less intrusive, less disruptive.
- [26:59]
C
So some people will tap their shoulders. For me, it was following her finger with my eyes, going back and forth while you focus on the memory and you think of what's the worst thing you could think at that time. So I'm looking down on the flood. I'm watching myself.
- [27:23]
B
I'm telling myself it's not my fault.
- [27:28]
C
And I'm somehow in the present in my therapist's chair.
- [27:34]
B
You do that over and over and over and over again until your brain
- [27:42]
C
finds a way to file that traumatic memory along with other memories.
- [27:51]
B
It doesn't have to bring me to my knees. It doesn't have to cause my heart to palpitate.
- [27:59]
C
It can be another memory. And doing that work was the hardest.
- [28:08]
A
I mean, I'm so grateful for all of that because it also has allowed you to experience moments of joy and, and gratitude and relief. You mentioned this to me a while back about glimmers.
- [28:25]
C
Yeah.
- [28:26]
A
Can you tell us, like, what that means to you?
- [28:30]
C
Yeah. Glimmers are small joys that happen throughout the day that if you take time to notice them or label them as
- [28:45]
B
such,
- [28:48]
C
take up more space in your head than they otherwise would. So it's the same as stopping to smell the roses or a really good cup of coffee and you sip it slowly and you taste it and you enjoy it. I guess it's being in the present practice. Jill and Kate and I, two of my best friends, have a text thread where, among other things, we share our glimmers. And I'll just take a picture of a beautiful wildflower I see on the sidewalk. Or Jill will share a story about how her three or four year old daughter will kiss Clay's picture that they have on their wall in San Francisco and say, we love you, Clay. Or, you know, if Kate has a small victory at work or something adorable her dog does, like he sleeps with an eye mask on, she'll send a picture. And it's just a little way to remind each other that the hard stuff is big. It's most of the time. My hard stuff is exceptionally hard right now. But those little joys are what we have.
- [30:16]
A
Okay, well, Sedona, this is another thing I'm extremely grateful for.
- [30:23]
C
Emily Green.
- [30:25]
B
She
- [30:27]
C
is my best friend from college. And Andrin and Emily and I were. Were threesome of besties in college and thereafter. But she asked me at the weekend of Clay's wake, what, what do you want? Like, what do you really want? And I said, I want a weekend, a girl's weekend with everyone I love, all my best friends, no children, no husbands, just a girl's weekend. And, man, did she take that and run with it. And she found this incredible desert home. I told her somewhere in the Southwest, because I love the desert. I love Santa Fe. It was going to be Santa Fe. But then she thought, let's go to Sedona.
- [31:24]
A
They stayed in a big, beautiful house with an incredible view of the desert landscape. There was good, healthy food. They spent time outside. They made fragrances with a perfumer and worked with an energy healer. They did yoga on the deck and performed a cacao ceremony. It was a weekend dedicated to supporting
- [31:43]
C
Alyssa and remembering Clay and the fact that everyone came. You know, I kept saying, I must have done something right because I have these beautiful women take time out of
- [31:57]
B
their lives to come support me and honor Clay. I can't even put into words what it meant to me, and it really
- [32:11]
C
Felt like Clay's true ceremony, his true wake, his true funeral.
- [32:20]
A
Alyssa told me about a moment that was especially meaningful.
- [32:24]
C
We made a mandala, which is sort of a living altar with rocks and sticks and dried beans and rice and flowers out in the desert, with an
- [32:36]
A
energy healer guiding them all through it, leading them in song.
- [32:40]
C
I mean, she had this incredible voice.
- [32:43]
B
And I started wailing for my baby, and everyone cried with me. And he was there, Clay was there. I remember that moment forever.
- [33:06]
C
And Emily set all that up for me. I mean, it was. It was very woo woo. And I think some of my friends got more out of it than others, but we all found it to be an incredible trip. I mean, it was the weekend of my life. It was the weekend of my life. Part of the weird thing of Clay's death is how rich other relationships have become. It's like this cognitive dissonance that how
- [33:45]
B
can this worst thing that's ever happened to me also lead to such beautiful things? You know, it's. It doesn't make sense, but that's the way the universe is. Like all the things all at once. The highest of the highs, the lowest of the lows. And so my relationships have deepened and become more meaningful than ever because of Clay's death.
- [34:16]
C
Not that I wouldn't do anything to
- [34:18]
B
have him back, but
- [34:21]
C
talk about glimmers, you know,
- [34:26]
A
I'm so thankful for the love and support my sister has received. I'm grateful she found the care and. And the symbols and the ceremonies that are meaningful to her. People love to say that we all grieve in our own way, and it's true and important to understand. But what has become so clear to me is that this event has affected us all in different ways. Even within my own family, Even for those of us who were at the River House when it happened, our experiences are not the same. Who we are to each other, where we were in the house when it came apart, where we ended up after, and what went through our minds when uncertainty was all we had. That's part of what's been so hard. The path to acceptance, forgiveness, and peace is unique for each of us. So are the ways that we see this tragedy and the miracle, how we understand loss and survival, grief and gratitude, trauma and relief. It's been such a privilege to hear the most important people in my life speak about the biggest thing that ever happened to us, to learn from them and from the others I've met and become closer to because of the flood. It has changed each of us in different ways. And I'm grateful we had the chance to talk about it.
- [35:51]
D
I think every family goes through horrible, horrible things. We are not unique.
- [36:00]
A
This is my stepmom, Alex.
- [36:02]
D
And yeah, you've got to grieve, and there's horrible things, but we're not, you know, it's part of the human condition.
- [36:13]
A
Alex mentioned a trip she and my dad took to West Texas with their road bikes.
- [36:18]
D
And I'll probably start crying forgetting this one, too. But it was the first time that we were really by ourselves after the flood. So it was in September, but I remember the first day we were out there, we rode up to the observatory by ourselves, and he's always faster than me. And I was watching him and I started thinking he was almost not here.
- [36:42]
B
And.
- [36:43]
D
And the fact that he's here is just amazing. And what would my life have been like if I'd lost all of you all, which was so much more the likely scenario than what happened. And if that had happened, would I have been so resilient? I don't know. I don't know. And again, I guess what keeps me going, I say all the time, the fact that six of you all lived is a miracle. And I'm just going to hold on to that and to the end of my days, that we are blessed. We are a blessed, lucky family.
- [37:30]
A
I agree. Since the flood, my dad has been reflecting on loss and remembering the women in his life who experienced it.
- [37:40]
E
But I thought about both my mom and her sister. Both of them have lost two children, and they carried on. They had good lives afterwards. They were strong. I wish I could have talked with them more about their losses. But, you know, if they can keep their heads up and keep being a part of their families, then I've got hope that I can do the same. Of course, it's life altering to lose a loved one and to go through a tragedy, but. I was okay with my place in life before, and I think I'll be fine going forward. And maybe it'll be richer. It already seems to be richer in a certain sense.
- [38:43]
A
I asked Patrick's sister, Carolyn, if she's noticed a change in her brother.
- [38:48]
F
It was on a phone call, and I don't remember what we were discussing, but at some point he said, but you know what? Since the flood, I just don't care about those things anymore. I'm not going to be concerned with this. I'm not going to be concerned with that. And again, I don't remember exactly what we were talking about, but he's saying he's saying that the little things that you get caught up in, just. He realizes they don't really matter. And I also remember. I remember envying him in that way when he said that, because I understand that these things, there can be a silver lining to having that kind of experience. I guess we all have a decision of whether or not to allow it to change us for the better or the worse. But typically, I think. I mean, it's like, it's just the human spirit.
- [39:54]
A
Patrick and I talked about this, too, when I was in the tree. I think my response was to, like, prepare myself for whatever was gonna come my way. And I definitely thought through the idea that you didn't make it or I didn't make it. And then when I saw you again, it was the first and most biggest thought that I had was like, we get to be together. You know, we've been married for three years, and that just didn't feel like enough.
- [40:28]
E
Yeah. I think. I think coming out of this, we realized there's really no reason to wait to do the kinds of things that we want to do. So let's just start planning right now for the life we want. There's a grateful about certain things that just don't matter anymore or recognizing the things that do matter a little bit more and prioritizing those things.
- [41:02]
F
I mean, we're. I think, all of us, on some level, throughout our lives, hear that lesson. We're told, you know, life is too short and don't take things for granted, and you shouldn't wait until tragedy happens to recognize what you have. But also, I have gleaned some sort of strength from just knowing that he and all of you had to survive something like that. So I now am able to carry that with me every day, that if something feels too big or I'm whining too much, I draw on what you went through.
- [41:54]
A
I. I want to ask one final thing, which is, why did you want to do this here today?
- [42:04]
C
Yeah, to help. My therapist said anytime you can tell your story is a good thing when you're in grief. And human storytelling is what we have, and mine is just one small story. I'm just one of many mothers that lost a child, but it's my story, and if people can relate to it or even just feel something listening to it, then I'm glad. And, you know, one day, maybe Rosemary will listen to this and. And appreciate. This time in her life for what it was. You know, the highs and the lows. I kind of pictured our family as a square four corners were Lance, me, Rosemary, and Clay. And. And now we're a triangle. Me, Lance, and Rosemary. And Clay is in the middle. And so we're sturdy. The three of us are sturdy. And Clay is in there with us forever.
- [43:39]
A
My sister reminded me of something that happened a week earlier. When she and Lance were at his family's ranch for the weekend. Alyssa and Lance's mom said a prayer together. At the end of the prayer, Alyssa said to Clay that if he wanted to visit, she would be on the lookout. Later that day, she was in the car waiting for Lance, kind of lost in thought. And that's when she saw it. A bright red Carnell landed on the side mirror
- [44:14]
C
and just sat there for 30 seconds, fluttering but not leaving. Just sat on the side mirror. And I was in the backseat staring at it. And Lance was 30 yards away, waving at me wildly. Do you see this? Do you see this, Garnell? It was a moment. It was Clay. It was incredible.
- [44:43]
A
And I think that's what it means to grieve and survive and believe and love.
- [44:55]
C
So anytime, baby boy, we'll be looking for you.
- [45:10]
A
I would like to acknowledge the courage of everyone who came into this studio or welcomed a Texas Monthly crew into their homes to make this heartfelt project. I am grateful for the trust you found in me and in this team. I am so proud of the vulnerability you brought and the insights you shared. And a special thank you to Kristen and Graham Goelke for for sharing their July 4th story with me. I am incredibly grateful for my colleagues who lent their experience, talents, care and perspective to this deeply personal story. I would also like to thank Kathy Blackwell, Jack Sullivan, Jeff Solomon and Ross McCammon for making it possible for me to do this work. Thank you for helping me make something meaningful and I hope, consequential. Where the River Took Us is a Texas Monthly production written and hosted by me, Aaron Parsley. Executive producer is Melissa Reese. Produced and edited by Patrick Michaels and Sarah Kinney. Produced, engineered and scored by Brian Standifer. Story editing by J.K. nichol. Fact checking by Doyen Oyenyi Art by Emily Kimbrot and Victoria Milner. Studio musicians are Jeff Queen, Peter Schultz and Sean Ginnings.