17. things i wish i knew about men FROM A MAN pt 1

Summary

Podcast Summary: Who Is She? – Episode 17: "Things I Wish I Knew About Men FROM A MAN Part 1"

Introduction

In Episode 17 of Who Is She?, host Danielle Walter delves deep into the intricacies of modern dating from a male perspective. Joining her is Daisuke "Dice" Suzuki, a seasoned barber with over 13 years of experience, who shares invaluable insights based on his personal experiences and interactions with a diverse clientele. This episode addresses a plethora of questions submitted by listeners, aiming to bridge the communication gap between men and women in the dating arena.

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1. The Dynamics of Initiating Contact

Danielle begins the conversation by exploring the evolving norms of who initiates romantic interactions. She asks Dice about his perspective when women approach men first, and whether a lack of reciprocation (such as not asking for a number) indicates disinterest.

Notable Quote:

"Sometimes I'm like, okay, are they just curious, like, want to learn information, or are they trying to spit game?"
— Daisuke Suzuki [16:15]

Key Insights:

• Surprise Factor: Dice mentions that being approached by women is still uncommon, leading to an element of surprise.
• Evaluating Intentions: The context of the approach (e.g., in a gym setting) plays a crucial role in discerning whether the gesture is friendly or romantic.
• Appreciation for Initiative: He appreciates women who take the first step, viewing it as a sign of courage and confidence.

---

2. Recognizing Genuine Interest and Signals

The discussion shifts to understanding clear signals that indicate a woman's interest. Danielle shares her own method of subtly signaling interest by mouthing "hi," questioning if such non-verbal cues are effective.

Notable Quote:

"If I was into you or like, I think you're cute. For sure. Walk over."
— Daisuke Suzuki [18:53]

Key Insights:

• Non-Verbal Communication: Dice acknowledges that subtle cues like smiles and body language can effectively convey interest.
• Respecting Boundaries: He emphasizes the importance of not intruding or making unwanted physical contact, especially in settings like gyms.
• Encouraging Confidence: Both hosts highlight the need for women to feel empowered to initiate contact without compromising their feminine energy.

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3. Understanding Pursuit and Prioritization in Relationships

A significant portion of the episode addresses what genuine pursuit looks like from a man's perspective and how women can discern if they are a priority.

Notable Quote:

"If it's important to you, you will do it."
— Daisuke Suzuki [42:07]

Key Insights:

• Intentions Matter: Dice believes that a man's actions towards pursuing a relationship are dictated by his true intentions, whether they aim for casual involvement or a serious commitment.
• Balancing Effort: Danielle and Dice discuss the importance of matching investment levels. If a man states his intentions but fails to align his actions accordingly, it may indicate a lack of genuine interest.
• Communication is Crucial: Open and honest dialogue about relationship expectations early on can prevent misunderstandings and ensure both parties are on the same page.

---

4. The Phenomenon of Ghosting and Its Impact

Ghosting, the act of suddenly ceasing all communication without explanation, is dissected to understand its roots and effects.

Notable Quote:

"Ghosting is the easiest form of denial because you have to do nothing."
— Daisuke Suzuki [44:04]

Key Insights:

• Avoiding Difficult Conversations: Dice points out that ghosting often stems from the reluctance to engage in hard conversations, making it an effortless but hurtful way to end interactions.
• Mutual Experience: Both hosts share that ghosting is a common experience, highlighting its prevalence in modern dating.
• Encouraging Accountability: They advocate for greater honesty and responsibility, urging individuals to communicate their feelings rather than disappearing.

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5. Navigating Changes in Effort and Interest

The conversation transitions to understanding why a man's effort might diminish after the initial stages of dating and how women can respond to such shifts.

Notable Quote:

"If I'm not like a hundred percent, like, into it, or maybe I'm just... I don't know, maybe I just was talking to you just to, I don't know, figure."
— Daisuke Suzuki [36:43]

Key Insights:

• Recognizing Disinterest: Danielle shares her frustration with observing a drop in a man's effort after appearing initially invested, questioning whether it signifies a loss of interest or other underlying issues.
• Setting Boundaries: They discuss the importance of establishing clear boundaries and not over-investing emotionally when signs of waning interest emerge.
• Self-Reflection: Both emphasize the need for self-awareness in recognizing one's own investment levels and ensuring they don't overshadow personal well-being.

---

6. Establishing Relationship Intentions Early On

Addressing how and when to discuss relationship goals, Danielle and Dice agree on the necessity of clarity from the outset.

Notable Quote:

"If they're both mature adults, I think it should happen as soon as possible."
— Daisuke Suzuki [59:37]

Key Insights:

• Early Conversations: Initiating discussions about what each person is seeking in a relationship during early dates can save time and emotional investment.
• Assessing Compatibility: Aligning intentions helps determine compatibility and prevents misaligned expectations.
• Honesty Over Ambiguity: Transparency fosters trust and allows both parties to make informed decisions about the relationship's future.

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7. The Balance Between Independence and Pursuit

The hosts explore the delicate balance between maintaining personal independence and actively pursuing a relationship.

Notable Quote:

"You shouldn't have to incentivize his attention."
— Danielle Walter [67:38]

Key Insights:

• Respecting Personal Space: Both emphasize the importance of maintaining one's independence and not feeling obligated to constantly seek validation or attention.
• Mutual Effort: Relationships thrive when both partners contribute equally, respecting each other's time and personal lives.
• Avoiding Chasing Dynamics: Danielle highlights the detrimental effects of one-sided effort, where one party feels compelled to chase the other, leading to imbalance and potential resentment.

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Conclusion

Episode 17 of Who Is She? offers a candid and comprehensive exploration of modern dating dynamics from a male viewpoint. Through Danielle and Dice's insightful dialogue, listeners gain a deeper understanding of men's perspectives on initiating contact, maintaining interest, and balancing personal independence with relationship commitments. The episode underscores the significance of clear communication, mutual respect, and genuine effort in fostering healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships. As Danielle previews Part 2 of this episode, listeners are encouraged to stay tuned for more in-depth discussions and advice on navigating the complexities of dating and personal growth.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. "Sometimes I'm like, okay, are they just curious, like, want to learn information, or are they trying to spit game?"
   — Daisuke Suzuki [16:15]

2. "If it's important to you, you will do it."
   — Daisuke Suzuki [42:07]

3. "Ghosting is the easiest form of denial because you have to do nothing."
   — Daisuke Suzuki [44:04]

4. "You shouldn't have to incentivize his attention."
   — Danielle Walter [67:38]

These quotes encapsulate the essence of the discussions, providing listeners with direct insights from the conversation.

Transcript

[Daisuke Suzuki]

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[Danielle]

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[Daisuke Suzuki]

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[Danielle]

Hello and welcome to who Is She? A podcast. Sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hey, guys, it's me. Obviously, I felt the need to do this intro because this episode, number one. I'm so excited. And you're gonna hear all about how excited I am in just a second. But I had such a good time with Dice that we recorded for two and a half hours and it's all gold. It's so good. So what I decided to do is not cut any of it out, give you all the gold, but put it into two separate episodes. So we're gonna have a part one this week and a part two next week. I'm gonna auto schedule part two for Monday of next week. I'm a little late with this one. We're going live Tuesday, March 19th with part one, but I just wanted to tell you that's kind of the structure that we're gonna go about with this. It's so good. I can't wait for you to hear it. So let's get into it. Hi, guys. Welcome back to the who Is She? Podcast. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

We are alive.

[Danielle]

I have a guest. His name is Dice.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Who is he?

[Danielle]

Who is he? Who is he? Okay. And Dice, your full name is Daisuke.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Daisuke Suzuki.

[Danielle]

Yes. And we have known each other. I was trying to figure out, like, you went to kindergarten at Country Lane, Right? So we've known each other since. What age did you go to kindergarten?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

What age do kids go to kindergarten?

[Danielle]

Well, in. Back in our day, they started at five, but I went at four. Oh, so you probably were five.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I remember you the entire time.

[Danielle]

You do?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I was thinking about it too. Oh, it's Funny. So when I went on my run earlier, I actually ran by like Rogers Country Lane, and I went through all the streets down Teresita where I used to live, and I was just kind of like reminiscing.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Memory lane.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. There's such beautiful houses over there. It's really. Yeah, it's a nice area.

[Danielle]

A lot of houses. We were. They got redid, redone. So me and Dice lived down the street from each other pretty much our whole lives and went to elementary school together. Middle school, high school, all the schools. What college did you go to?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I went to De anza for like 2/4. And then at that time.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, you have like, full blown business.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah, well, I didn't know what I was. What my plan was. I was just kind of like going because I thought I had to.

[Danielle]

Right, right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like most people. And then at that point in my life, that's when my, my dad passed away and kind of life kind of flipped on its head. So at that point I had to, like, start making money. Right. So I had a decision like, okay, do I want to get a normal job 9 to 5? Like, I couldn't see myself doing retail or serving. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but just personally, I couldn't see myself doing something like that. And the only thing that I was confident in at the time was cutting hair because that's. I've done it Since I was 16 and it was like, started off as a hobby and. And then I just kind of decided like, well, I'm gonna just go all in on it and double down and try to focus on my craft. And went to barber college, got my license and started working in the shop when I was 18.

[Danielle]

So, yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Been cutting hair for about 13 years now. 13, 14 years.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Worked in a couple barbershops around San Jose. Bounced around. And everywhere I went, I felt like there's something like I didn't like, you know, I think other people can relate in the terms of being in a healthy work environment.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. And so every place I'd go, I would. I would be there and I would. It would be my first experience. So the first shop I was in was like, total shit show. Can I swear? No, no. Okay. Sorry. It was a mess.

[Danielle]

That's your. Yeah, that's your one pass.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay. Sorry. Because I thought I was thinking about that last night.

[Danielle]

We don't have explicit content.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So it was a mess. Let's put it that way. It was like a hood shop there Was illegal activity going on. But.

[Danielle]

Oh.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

But me being 18, and that was my first experience. I thought that was normal.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. Like, there was selling alcohol or drinking alcohol, selling drugs, like.

[Danielle]

Wow.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, gambling, like, during business hours and stuff. Like straight. Straight hood shop. Like the barbershop, the movie. It was exactly like that. Yeah.

[Danielle]

How long were you there for?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I was there for five years.

[Danielle]

Whoa.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because I was making good money. I was starting to be successful. I started to be the most busy person in the shop.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And, you know, when you're making money as a young person, you don't question it, you know? So until things started, like, affecting my personal business and my clientele that I was bringing in was not the type of clientele that would normally go to that type of shop.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I just started to realize my environment is not a reflection of who I am. So one day, I just kind of had it, and I decided to make the move. And then I went to Black Grapes, which is all the barbers that I hired at my new shop. They. I worked with them over there. And that was the first experience I had of, like, a healthy, like, real, like, business. That good environment, good people. Everybody's on the same page. Everybody wants to grow, help each other. And I learned a lot.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I learned a lot from both experiences. I learned what not to do and what I don't want to be a part of and then what type of space that I would like to be in.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So from then on. Then I opened my private studio in 2020 during COVID and that was my first solo business venture, which was amazing because that's where I found a love for interior design, which, as you can tell, you like my.

[Danielle]

I do like my house. Very nice. Very. I'm in Dice's home right now. We're, like, actual friends now.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah, we're friends.

[Danielle]

Oh, my God.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So, yeah, it was like when you're in an open space with, like, four white walls, empty. It's like, where do I start?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I think I consider myself an artistic person. Right. So I start with the color palette. Then I go to HomeGoods. HomeGoods is my favorite store on the planet. I was in there for, like, three hours searching for stuff for the new shop.

[Danielle]

But it's so great.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. It's so fun.

[Danielle]

Yeah. And you do have a good design. I like when I found your croc charms. I found them by. This is creepy. I played your reel. I screen recorded it. I paused it where your crocs are showing so I could see what Charms you already had. But I was looking at the decor too, and it's really, really cool the way the elements that you pulled together.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Thank you. I like to create, like, a feeling. Right. Because a standard barbershop, well, you wouldn't know because you never enter a barbershop as a woman. Right. But if you go into my barbershop, most people say, like, well, I wouldn't expect one to look like this. Right.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And starting with my studio, I was going for, like, welcoming, warm, soft. Like, I love pastel colors. I love things that are kind of make you feel comfortable.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And it was a more private space, so it's just me and one client, so.

[Danielle]

And life, too. You put plants and stuff?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah, I always try to bring life. I got all my plants over there too.

[Danielle]

Oh, wow.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

That's a lot of plants. I kill plants. I'm not a plant that has to have a. Like a heartbeat. And tell me when it's hungry.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

They'll talk to you. They'll. They'll let you know.

[Danielle]

I don't. I don't hear them. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So Dice is a very successful barber. Like, he's being modest, but he just opened his first shop and was a collab with a clothing brand, Sago Studios. Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Y.

[Danielle]

And it's a big deal. Like, it's. It's big time. Like, there's a lot of people in this industry. I feel like, go to the point that you were at just before this, and they do that forever. They just rent out of space and it's just one chair or whatever. And I feel like I was thinking about this today, and I was like, you know, in 20 years, we're gonna look back after you have like multiple shops or like, the business has blown up, and we're gonna remember the time that you opened your first shop.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's the plan.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So anyway, very cool to know you.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Thank you for those kind words. I appreciate that.

[Danielle]

Okay, so you are 31.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Correct. Turning 32 this year. In May.

[Danielle]

In May. Okay. I.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So you don't ask me my Zodiac, please.

[Danielle]

I won't. Because I don't know anything about that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Amazing.

[Danielle]

I know that what I am technically, but I'm like, I'm not into that. I'm November. So I was always the youngest in our class, which is why the four year old thing in kindergarten. But it's cool that we're the same age because we're like direct counterparts on the each side of the topic.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Not that we know about each other's Dating lives yet, but I feel like we're in similar boats maybe.

[Danielle]

Well, are you dating?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh, I got out of a relationship okay last year. It was a short, short spurt, but I think after last year, so before, prior to that, my last biggest relationship, longest one was like, like a three year relationship. But in between then and the most recent was like five years. Single.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Which I had no desire. Not, not that, like, oh, I want to be single, I want to go out and do stuff. It was more of like, you know when people say I just want to quote, unquote, work on myself.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I feel like people throw that term around. What are you really doing to work on yourself? Right. Like, what action are you taking? What things are you changing about your actions, your life or anything? Most people just go do the same old things and then like, oh, I'm lonely and I want to hop back in, but nothing's changed, so you're going to get the same result. So during that time I did a lot of, like, a lot of introspection, a lot of looking inwards and analyzing like what went wrong? What things can I work on personally and how do I change that? Right.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because I think you have to like really look in the mirror and, and find the things that you don't like about yourself. And that's a hard thing to do.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You know, to like admit and be honest with yourself about what things that could possibly not be helping you out in those areas.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And actively try to change those things, you know, so.

[Danielle]

Yeah. And a lot of people don't do that, so don't. And I think you're right. Like I, I had, I've, I'm not the person that's always been in a relationship. I've had like time in between, so. Yes. Okay. So I'm so excited. I'm. I, I don't think I've been more excited about a podcast episode than this one. Because my entire foundation of like, what you guys like from me is my perspective of like life topics of where we're at, but it's my perspective from the female perspective of where most of you guys are at. And the other most valuable perspective is the male perspective. But I'm not a man and I don't think like a man. And I, I can't even, I could speculate what a man is thinking or feeling, but it will never be right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Correct.

[Danielle]

So I'm juiced for this. I took your guys questions. They're so good. They're so good. And like when I I wrote some down myself, but, like, you guys really came out with the best questions here.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Were there a lot of repeats?

[Danielle]

There were a lot of overlap. A lot of very similar ones that, like, could be combined. So I try to do that. And what I've asked Dice to do is. Is number one. And he's so humble and gracious to do this. Not feel like he's being attacked from the females online, but really just we're trying to learn.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Because they don't know me.

[Danielle]

They don't. They don't know you. And. And the other thing is, like, we're asking you to, like, answer from your perspective, but also put yourself in the minds of, like, your friends or, like, PE men that, you know that think differently than you.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Where you. The most benefit is that my entire career as a barber, I've met so many walks of life. I've met married men, guys who are single. I've met guys that are players. Yeah. Everybody.

[Danielle]

Oh, my gosh.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So, like I said, I. I try. I'll try to, like, generalize it from, like, a broad spectrum.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And then I'll give you my own personal opinion and perspective. And then I can kind of tell when I went over the questions, what type of man would probably give you this.

[Danielle]

Exactly.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Result.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Or whatever, you know?

[Danielle]

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. It's going to make sense once we start asking the questions. And then the other preface here is that I asked Dice to answer these from the heart posture of a sister that he wants to protect. Like, a little sister that, like, is out there trying and is being either wronged by men or just interacting with men and not understanding what's happening. So we appreciate you, Dice. Thank you for, of course, coming at it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I'll do my best. Disclaimer.

[Danielle]

Yes.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, you know, this is just my personal opinion. Every man, every person is different. So the way I think could vastly be different than a man you're talking to.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So, I mean, just take everything with a grain of salt and, you know, make your own judgment on it. But I'll do my best, try to help you guys out.

[Danielle]

Yeah, I always do disclaimers like that, too, because I'm like, you know what? I'm just giving you the information.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You have to. Because sometimes people take things so literally and they think like, oh, oh, Danielle said this, so I'm gonna do it, and if it doesn't work out, then.

[Danielle]

Like, dude, then it's your fault. Yeah. So we're just gonna take this as a gift. And as someone's perspective. But, you know, give us. Give us grace and mercy. Okay, so the first question that you guys submitted, what is I might have. Depending on when you looked at these, you change it. I might have updated it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You want me to read what you wrote?

[Danielle]

Well, I'll just ask you. Okay. What's the man's perspective on being approached first by the woman? And if I approach first and he doesn't ask for my number, is he not into me?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay. So in my personal experience, it doesn't happen often, but if I'm approached by women, number one, I'm surprised.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because in this day and age, it's just not common. Right. If someone did, I think it would depend on the approach. Right. Because sometimes you can't really tell. Like, is this person just being friendly? If they ask me, like, for example, I think it would happen, like, in a gym setting. Right.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Maybe a girl would be like, hey, like, what is this you're doing? What type of. I like the way you work out or something.

[Danielle]

Oh, wow. I like the way you work.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So sometimes I'm like, okay, are they just, like, curious, like, want to learn information, or are they trying to spit game?

[Danielle]

So what would be a clear signal to you that, like, hey, I think you're cute. I.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Sometimes, you know, you can just kind of catch the vibe energy, right? Where they're just kind of, like, smiley and, you know, doing something cute or whatever. But I would. I appreciate that because to me, it means you have balls. Right. Like, and I respect that from a woman because I think it's uncommon. So if you have the fortitude to approach a man when, you know, I can, probably from a female's perspective, it's scary. And you're like, oh, why would I want to approach a man? He's supposed to come up to me. Right. So if you have the courage to do that, then right off the bat, you already earned a point in my book thinking that, okay, well, she's taking the initiative and that kind of, you know, if I'm attracted to her back then, okay, then why not? Why wouldn't I give it a shot?

[Danielle]

Right. Okay. I have an extension question of this. So my opinion is, like, I want to be able to, like, I don't know if I would walk. I have. I have walked straight up to a guy and been like, you know, the thing.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Didn't work out, but there was a reason for that. But I have a move. I'm very bold.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And so, like, I will, like, look at you. And I will hold gays, and I will smile at you, and then I'll mouth the word high.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Really?

[Danielle]

Yeah. So. So if a girl did that, would you. Would. Status signal and would you walk over?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Well, did you wave?

[Danielle]

No, I go like this. They're not gonna see, but, like, pretend. Okay. We're just gonna get his live reaction. So we're in the gym. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I look at you.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think I would be. I would look around first. Be like, he's talking to me. Right. And so I'd probably like me, Right.

[Danielle]

And I would go like this.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. I'd be like.

[Danielle]

And if you still didn't. And you were like, I got the vibe from you. I would, like, signal you.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. If I was into you or like, I think you're cute. For sure. Walk over.

[Danielle]

So I guess what we're hearing is guys like it when we approach first. I think the reason that this is asked too, is, like, we want to stay in our feminine. We don't want to be, like, driving. So we want to be able to give you signals, and you pick them up, and then you make things happen.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think I've heard you speak about this before. Right. Giving context on, like, you have to open up the lane. Right. So. Because to me, if I see a cute girl or something, but she's not giving me zero eye contact, I'm not gonna do nothing. Because to me, you're giving off the impression you don't want to be approached.

[Danielle]

Yes.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. So there's, like, little cues that I'd look for. Like, you can kind of tell when somebody's, like, side eyeing you. Or maybe they. They enter your space a little bit closer. Maybe they're, like, tagging, following you along, low key. But the main thing is, like, so another. I can. I only speak to the gym because that's the only place I go really outside. I don't really go out, like, to the bars and stuff.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So for the gym, the number one cue is you take your headphones off. You take. Oh. If you take your headphones off, that, to me means green light. She's. She's now accepting conversation.

[Danielle]

Oh, I never thought about that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because if you have your. You got your big old head.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Or whatever. I'm like, I don't want to tap you on the shoulder.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Interrupt you and.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because, you know, the Internet's already explained about how they feel about male interactions at the gym.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. I think that's what stops a lot of people for. Or men from Doing the approaching is because there's this. Society has deemed it, like, creepy, you know, or like, you're a creeper, or like, oh, I'm just here to work out, so don't bother me. Like, that type of thing.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So what I'm hearing and putting together is, ladies, look at him. Count to three. Take your headphones off wherever you are. Like, if there's something that's blocking his ability to connect with you, like, remove that. And then my personal move is to say hi. With my mouth.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

With. And no sound.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Has it worked?

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Nice.

[Danielle]

Works every time.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

What if a guy did that to you? I mean, for you personally, I'd probably pee my pants. Yeah, you'd be juiced, huh?

[Danielle]

Yeah. And then. But I wouldn't. I would be really excited. And then I would stop. And then. I don't know what it is, but I want him to come to me. Like, I don't want to be, like, a little. Like. I just have this thing ingrained in me where I'm like, the man needs to hunt, you know, Like, I can't.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

It's. That's nature.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So I'm not gonna, like. If you. If someone, like, mouths the word hi to me and then I, like, am into it, I'm not gonna, like, waddle my little patootie over there. They need to, like, waddle to me.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. If I said hi and you said hi back, I'm going in.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

For sure.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So the second part, you said.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Number, right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You said, if he doesn't ask for my number, he's not into me. Not necessarily. Yeah, not necessarily. Because when I've done it. So when I've. I've A handful of times, maybe. Right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

But my go to. So let me. I hope. I want to get feedback from your audience, too. This is, like, appropriate approach. So what I do, I fill out the vibe. Maybe you've seen them a couple times. And you're like, she's cute. And I can kind of tell she's been looking at me or whatever. I'll wait till I'm done working out so that I can just bounce after.

[Danielle]

Just in case.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Just in case. Right. So I. When I'm about to be done, I'll walk over and then I say, hey, excuse me. I don't mean to bother you. Interrupt your workout. I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Dice. I just think you're really cute.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Just simple, nice, you know, compliment. And then I say, yeah, I hope you have A really nice day and I'll see you around. So that's kind of like me planting the seed as if now we're not strangers anymore.

[Danielle]

What if. Okay, so if that happened to me and I thought someone was cute, I'd be like, I think you're cute too. And then I would wait.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Would you ask me for.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Girls are like you.

[Danielle]

Oh, okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Because no one has ever gave me that back.

[Danielle]

Really?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

No, they just say, oh, no filter. Thank you. Right.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I was like, okay, well, hope you have a good workout.

[Danielle]

I think that's a good approach.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. And then I say, I'll see you around. So then the next time when you walk in and you catch. Then you, hey, what's up? So now you developing the relationship, and then maybe if you have another conversation and it progresses. Because I don't like to go dumping the. Dumping the whole water in at one time.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So if I don't ask for your number, it doesn't mean I'm not into you.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

It just means I'm not trying to be too forward. Because I think that's my approach in dating now is I'm trying to be. I'm trying to come from, like, a friendship. Yes. Like friendship. Forward first.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because in my eyes, the. The foundation to a successful long term relationship is friendship. Right. I think that's what everybody wants at the end of the day is like, you. You want to be with your best friend. Right. You want to date your best friend, you want to marry your best friend. But how can you. I think it's hard to do it backwards if you be, like, go straight into, like, intimacy or, like, more romantic, and then you haven't developed the friendship. So then once. Once the. The sparks go away and the chemistry kind of settles, then you're like, oh, can we even, like, kick it and just be homies?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. It's tough. I've been there.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I'll be. And I was thinking, like, oh, man, maybe I should have went about this different.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay, you heard it here first. All right, the next question. Okay, this is a good one. Is it true that men know she's the one from the very beginning?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I like this one too. So I'm taking this from information I've gathered from.

[Danielle]

Yes.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

My customers. Because when somebody says, she's the one, that means, like, I'm gonna marry her. Right. So when I ask my clients who are like, oh, I'm about to get married, you know, the great thing about my job is I get to cut people's hair before every important event in their life. So I've been there for first dates that transformed into engagements that's transformed into wedding day.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I cut their hair before every single important thing. Right. And I always ask them, like, how did you, like, how do you know? And he's like, they always say, the ones who get married always say, I knew she was the one.

[Danielle]

Always from the first.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

From the first time. Always.

[Danielle]

Okay, this is totally validating me personally right now because I just had to like, let go of something where it was like wishy washy and I was like, I can't, I'm not gonna. I can't. If you don't know, then.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

But do you know?

[Danielle]

I. How do I say this? I don't want to say I have problems, but like, in my mind, I'm an anxious attachment with limerent tendencies, which means that I like really hype people up.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I just listened to a podcast last night and I just learned what limerent means.

[Danielle]

It's bad.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

So I'm working on it, but my problem is like, I can get there really quick and when I love you, I love you really, really hard. And like, you are. You're it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And so.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

How many times has that happened for you?

[Danielle]

Truly twice. But the limerence, the tendencies are always there. And it's something that I've been like, working on.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Can you explain limerence for people who maybe don't know?

[Danielle]

Yeah, limerence. So it, it's heavily tied to anxious attachment. And basically what it means is you get hyper focused and obsessed with someone very quickly without reason, without them earning it with little information. And there's a limerent and a limerent object. So the limerent object is like, like let's say I start dating you, you're my limerent object. And my entire mood depends on how we're interacting.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh.

[Danielle]

And so if you aren't showing up for me, it's like the worst of the worst.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Does it affect the rest of your life?

[Danielle]

Yeah. And so I, as I've been dating, have been kind of really mindful of that. And there are practical. I think there's. This is a separate episode, but there are practical things that if you. I think there's a lot of people that identify with this that you can work on. Root issue also, like in the moment, while you're dating, what you can do kind of thing. But yeah, anyway. Okay. Okay. I love, I love all these. What is true pursuit from the male perspective? And the sub questions are, how do I know if I'M his priority. Why doesn't he reply, how do I know if you're into me?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay. I would say my answer, the first thing that came to mind is the intentions determine the type of pursuit.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So if the male's intention is to sleep with you, the intention, the pursuit might be aggressive. Right.

[Danielle]

It might be like, love bomby.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Or just might be like, oh, he's hitting me up all the time. He's giving me the time of day. Right. And then probably. Probably many women have experienced that. Right. And then once they get the prize peace, I'm good. And I think that's another question later on that might tailor to that answer too. But from my perspective, a true pursuit, like, I'm. I'm kind of shaping it to work for me. So I'm trying to be way more intentional, like, about being upfront, being transparent from the. From the jump about what type of pace I want to move at.

[Danielle]

Oh, I love that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. What. What do I want out of my partner? And then I want to get to know, what do they want? So let's see if they're congruent.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You know, so for me, I. I like the slow play, but sometimes it doesn't work for some females I've talked to. And I don't know if it's just an age thing, but I've talked to, like, the more on the younger side. Like, I'm 31, turning 32, and I was talking to somebody way younger. And the slow play doesn't work for them because they would give me the response like, oh, you just want to be friends, or you're wasting my time, or it's kind of. I feel like they start this clock as soon as you start talking to them. I was like, okay, we've been texting for two weeks. When's the date? Oh, we had a first date. When's the second date? Oh, we've had three dates already. Like, what are we. You know, and for me, that's a little fast.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I think it's dependent and unique to the female and what she expects. And I think if they're clear about it, they can kind of find someone that's. You got to find someone who's willing to do that to put in the work. Right. Cause if they're not, then you're just going to be disappointed.

[Danielle]

Huh.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay, so sub question. How do you know if you're his priority?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I thought about this one too, and it's kind of the way. The way I see it is. And I heard this perspective from another person too, which made sense to me. And they were saying that in the beginning, when it's fresh, it's brand new, you just say you just started talking to this person, just whatever. You just matched with them on hinge or whatever. You're texting, right? And say like, he's texting back kind of spotty, maybe once in the morning, he waits a couple hours or whatever. I wouldn't overthink it because the overthinking is gonna just do you. Do you dirty.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You know, so you have to understand that everybody has their own life. You have your own life. You have. You already have a priority list prior to meeting this person. So to expect somebody you don't even know to put you on a top priority when you don't have any relevance in their life yet is kind of unreasonable to me.

[Danielle]

Okay, so over the progression, let's say you match with someone or you meet someone and it's, you know, texting a little bit. You go out, you go out again. From the male perspective, what should that progression look like? Like, I don't know. I think it's just hard because I can feel the girl who asked this question where she's like, I don't even know if this guy is into it because he's not giving me anything. And so we don't know if it's like, well, he has his own life, he has his own priorities, or if he's really just not into me and he's just like, I'm on the back burner as an option.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's hard to tell. Yeah, that's really hard to tell. It would be. You'd have to kind of read that person that it's probably hard because they're not giving you enough time to even figure that out.

[Danielle]

I think too, this is a question that's later down the list, but. And this is something I have pretty much never done that I need to do. And it's part of the limerick thing. And breaking that is, especially when you first start dating someone. From my own sanity, I have to be dating multiple people because if that's the case, I can't hyper focus on you. And let's say I'm going out with John on Friday and Paul, I'm pulling names from the Bible, but, you know, like, multiple people, I can't then worry about, like, is Dice putting me as a priority because I. I can't hyper focus.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. So do you think eventually one will stand out? Right.

[Danielle]

That's what I'm Thinking I think if.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

They'Re really into you, it's noticeable. It would be noticeable. If I really like somebody, then I'm not saying I'm gonna be blowing them up and doing something out of my normal character or personality, because on a personal level, for me, I'm not a big day to day texter. And I make that clear from the jump. Because I don't want you to think like, okay, I'm trying to make this girl think that I'm interested in her even when I am. But if I project a tendencies that is not truly who I am or how I conduct myself on a normal basis, then they'll be like, oh, what, you changed up? Or something's different. You know what I mean? If I, like, fall back a little bit, or maybe the communication is not as consistent as the beginning.

[Danielle]

So that what you just described is what happens to me literally every time. Because I think that men can smell it on me, that I want. That I want. I want you to, like, make me know that I'm your priority. So they do it, and then it's not their natural right. And then all of a sudden I'm like, hello, where are you?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So are you okay? Like, say it's like everything else boxes are checked, except he makes it clear in the beginning and says, hey, I know this is maybe what you're used to, like, good morning, good night in between every day. But he's just like, that's just not how I get down.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Would you be willing to compromise what.

[Danielle]

My response would be in that scenario is? Okay, that's good to know. Because I want to know who you are. I still need to feel like I'm a priority somehow, so. And for me, it's important to, like, if I'm dating someone, like, I can't go four days without talking to you. Like, that's weird to me. Yeah, that's. To me, I'm like, are we dating? Like, I don't know. So if that was. If, like, if he was saying like, I can't, I will be. I will have moments where I don't talk to you for four days. Like, I can't do that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Mm.

[Danielle]

So I don't know.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I. I agree. I agree. Because, like, I remember I told you before we started recording that my past self more immature Dice would do those things. Okay.

[Danielle]

And what are you doing during that time?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, it's not like I'm actively ignoring you, but I. I have a busy life, you know?

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I'm not saying it's to the point where I can't give you a little. Just, hey, thinking about, sure, whatever. Because I know that's not even the littlest thing sometimes makes a difference, right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

But I think if I'm not like a hundred percent, like, into it, or maybe I'm just. I don't know, maybe I just was talking to you just to, I don't know, figure. Figure out if maybe potentially we can be something then. I don't know, I just. It just kind of gets. Floats to the back of my mind where it's just like sometimes I'll just forget about it, you know?

[Danielle]

Okay. And to me, if that's the case, in my mind I'm like, why would I dedicate a hundred percent of my, like, exclusively seeing you if you can't?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

You know what I mean?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

No, I get it. That's fair.

[Danielle]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I think before too, a lot of. A lot of guys, they're. They don't even know what they want or if they're ready to date, Right? Yeah, because date. Because when you're dating should be the intention to be in a relationship. Right? But some of them just talk to girls, just to talk to girls, because it's something to do. It's a potential, you know, so they can have sex with you. You know, just being honest.

[Danielle]

And I know how to sniff that out. But can you tell the listeners how they can, like, the indicators of what that would look like? Do you feel like you're outing.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh, no, sorry, fellas. No, I'm just kidding. Well, I guess like I said, I'm not. I haven't really done that. I think I try to make it clear from the beginning, but in the past, maybe I just wouldn't. I wouldn't be like, we wouldn't have that conversation to know, like, what. What do we want? Right.

[Danielle]

So the intention, the conversation around intention.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

It was never said, not happen.

[Danielle]

It was never set so that, like, there's no expectation.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

Okay, I'm gonna say some things of how I think I would sniff it out. And you can just say yes or no.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Okay. So if a man was only trying to sleep with me, he would only text me last minute. He would only be available to hang out and would never want to, like, take me on a date. I mean, this is. This is so obvious, but I think some girls are still falling for it. But the, like, wyd. Text. Yeah, like throw open my mouth.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, that's old school.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Maybe they don't know about it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's Crazy.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So those, those are all correct. Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Correct.

[Danielle]

Okay, so now you guys know. Okay. Okay. The question of why don't men pursue anymore? I don't. Do you wanna.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I have a small go over it real quick. I think in my eyes, why, in this day and age, why men don't pursue anymore is because what I, what I would think is because of the copious amounts of options most women have. And it's more, it's, it's like, it's like almost why try? Type of thing. Yeah. Because. And it's true. Right. If you look at, if we compare hinges right now, you probably have freaking a book, right. Where you can be like, no, okay, maybe you can sort them out. And some guys won't even. You won't even catch the eye. Right. So it's more of like competition, like, oh, there's a bunch of other dudes doing the same thing. Why am I even gonna give it a shot?

[Danielle]

You know, it's so crazy because we think the same thing.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

What?

[Danielle]

As women, we think the answer to this question of why men don't pursue is because you have too many options.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Really?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Wow.

[Danielle]

Isn't that crazy?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's crazy.

[Danielle]

So guys, if we could just unite the world. Okay. Just tell people you like them. Tell, tell them you think they're cute.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. It's pretty simple. Yeah.

[Danielle]

But it's also a self confidence thing because from both ends, male and female, if your mind is going well, they have too many options. So what makes me special or stand out. That's a self confidence thing.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

So if that's your perspective, that might be the first place to start.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay. Oh, this is a good one. And I need to hear this myself. Is the phrase, if he wanted to, he would always true.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I've heard you speak about this also. So I had an epiphany too, because I was listening to a really good podcast today and this is the same, almost same worded phrase, but slightly different.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

If it's important to you, you will do it.

[Danielle]

Right?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. So put this in the context of like you want to lose weight or you have this goal. Right? I want to run a marathon for me. Right. It's, it's super important to me because this is a goal I've set for myself. I like pushing myself and seeing like how I can grow. So I'm going to wake up at 5:30 every morning and run in the freezing cold, even though I don't want to, but it's important to me. So I do it. Right. So in terms of relationship or potential dating, if he wanted to, he would. Would kind of be like, you have to say, is she important? If she's important, he will make the time. So that's how I kind of view it. So if you're important enough. So I don't know if you would have that much importance in the beginning, but if it developed to where you do, like, get higher up on his, I don't know, his hierarchy of important priorities. Right. Then he will.

[Danielle]

So yes.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Generally, yes.

[Danielle]

Generally, yes.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Generally, yes.

[Danielle]

Yeah. I think that. I think what happens is we as women try to make excuses for. Oh, he's just got a lot going on right now. He's busy with work. It's like. Yeah. And if some. If he was that into you or if something's that important to you, you can't help but make it a part of, in my opinion.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay, that's good. Kind of have a little dagger in me right now, but okay. What's the deal with ghosting from the male perspective? Why can't men be honest and say they're not interested?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay.

[Danielle]

And obviously, this is not dice question. This is a man question.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right? Right. So let's define ghosting. Ghosting is the easiest form of denial. Why? Because. Because you have to do. You do nothing.

[Danielle]

Okay. Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So if you're not feeling it, most guys or girls. I've been ghosted. Believe it or not. I've been ghosted before. And I didn't. I've done ghosting, and then I didn't realize the impact of it until I got ghosted. Right. And I was like. Because I actually really thought it was going to be something.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. And once I learned that, it's like, you get to taste your own medicine.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Then maybe you think, okay, maybe I should not do that anymore. Right. So I think everybody should give someone just as a human, the courtesy of like, dude, grow some balls and just tell them, hey, I'm not. I'm just not feeling it. Or something's changed. I don't know. You gotta. You gotta come up with the words yourself. But ghosting is the easiest form of denial because it's low friction. You don't have to have a hard conversation. Right. Hardcore. Having hard conversations is one of the hardest things to do in life.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right. Whether it's with a family member, with a co worker, with a friend, whatever. Nobody likes to have hard conversations. So for somebody, they're just like, I'm just not going to deal with it. It's easy so that's probably one of the most common ways to take yourself out of a situation, is to do nothing.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because it takes no action. Right. But that's a sign of weakness, in my opinion.

[Danielle]

That's where I was going is, I think a lot of times if a woman is ghosted, we internalize that as something to do with our value, when really it has to do with the integrity of the man.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh, yeah.

[Danielle]

So if you're listening to this.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Or woman.

[Danielle]

Or woman. That's right. Of the ghoster.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

The ghoster, not the ghost. Right.

[Danielle]

Did you know there's a term zombie?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So, yeah, you wrote. I was gonna ask you, what is the zombie?

[Danielle]

So zombies, like, when they come back from the dead. Oh, so they were a ghost.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

They ghost and they come back.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Oh, there was this video I saw where this girl, if a guy did that to her, she would just save them as a zombie, and she'd have this message where if they hit her up, she'd send them the same message that said, hello, unfortunately, you are a zombie in the graveyard. In order to exit the graveyard, you need to do this, this, and this. And all of them were the same name, like zombie with, like, little emoji. So she had no idea which one was which because she's like. Yeah, unfortunately, it sounds like she was having a hard time. But anyway, okay, I think we kind of covered this, but I'll ask anyway. What's the line between having his own life and his own thing and still knowing you're being pursued?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Can you read it again? Sorry.

[Danielle]

Yeah. What's the line between having his own life and doing his own thing and still knowing you're being pursued?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. So I kind of touched on it before. I think it's. It's unique to the person because there is a lot of people who have busy lives, you know, and there's a lot of people who don't got a lot of stuff going on. So you. You kind of. You can kind of. I don't know, wouldn't want to, like, judge somebody, but we can kind of tell. Like, dude, you have, like, you have time. Everybody has time in the day.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So you make time for things you want to do. Right. So if the. If you're actively wanting to pursue this person and you want to obviously have to show them something, that even though you're busy and you have your own life, I don't think a couple seconds out of your life to text somebody is a big deal, you know? And I'm at fault for that, too. I was like, damn, all the girls are gonna be tuning in on this podcast I used to talk to, and they're like, shit, you did that to me.

[Danielle]

You know What? Dice is 31. He's evolved. Like, we're not our past selves.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah, yeah. And that's a good message to carry to everybody, is that you aren't your past. You know, but in order to become a new person, you have to change things. Change requires change.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

So on this, in my mind, the line between him having his own life, him being busy doing his thing, and still being pursued, to me, where my mind always goes is if I'm dating someone, I kind of know a little bit about you. Like, I'll know what your schedule is, like, if you work a nine to five, if you like, what your work hours are, if you do extracurricular activities or you got church on the weekend or you're in a sports league. I don't know. And I'll know that. Which also means I know when you're free, and if I know that you are free and I'm not hearing from you, that's where I'm like, he's not interested.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Or he's not interested in, like, putting in effort. Would you say that's accurate?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's. That's fair.

[Danielle]

Okay. All right, go with that, guys. What does it mean if he pursues you for the first two to three weeks and then all of a sudden drops level of effort?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think the majority of them are just over it.

[Danielle]

Like, it's too much work.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That. Or they've lost interest. Maybe they have a potential, something else where that's taking that time and energy. Because for me, like, when you said you like dating multiple people or something, I can't handle that.

[Danielle]

Well, I don't know if I can either, but I have to.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I'm at the point, because I have such. Okay, so this is kind of plays to the last question, too, is I'm a very independent person. I enjoy time alone. And I think that's just because I've spent the majority of my adult life alone and not, like, lonely, but I just do things by myself. And I like that. I like the solitude. I like going places. I have no problem, like, you know, going to the. Eating lunch by myself, going to movies, whatever. Not that it's. It's cool doing with other people, but on my downtime, especially in my current life, like, I have a lot of responsibility, and I spend a lot of time pouring into my career, pouring into my fitness, my health, and the most important people in my life are my friends and my mom. So when it comes down to it, if you look at my schedule, I really have one full day that's free. So if I have one full day that's free, I don't always want to give that away. You know what I mean?

[Danielle]

That makes sense.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So I get it. If the person means something to you, you will try to fit. Fit them in. You have to. If you want them to know that. If you want them to be, like, aware, like, oh, he likes me. Right. But for me, it's like, I think you. You'd have to communicate that. That you need some time, you know, because if you. If you just don't, and you're like, well, she should know or something, that's just. And people aren't mind readers, right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So if you want to date yourself or you're like, hey, I've had a really busy week. I haven't seen my mom. I haven't chilled at my house and hung out with my dog. And that's just what you want to do. Just say it. You know, at least you're being honest. And then they can determine whether that's good enough for them or not. Because if it's not enough, then you should, you know, be upfront about it and be like, hey, I need more from you.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay. So I think there's a couple things in response to what Dice said is the original question is he pursues heavy for two to three weeks, and then all of a sudden, he drops off. I think where we get stuck is we. We try to give grace, but we give grace for too long where we don't really know what the answer is. And what we're hearing from Dice, from the male perspective is you can say, hey, feels like something has changed here. I'm actually looking for this. What do you think about that?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And he will then give you an answer, but don't sit on this and, like, try to, like, spin wheels in your head and come up with the answer yourself.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Don't. Don't try to figure out what he's thinking. Just ask him.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You know, and whether he gives you an honest answer, that's up to them.

[Danielle]

And I think, too. I think a lot of women fall into the trap of believing that someone's character is what they see when they're being shown their. What my. My pastor calls their representative. When you first date someone, they're trying to show you their best self.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Everybody. Yeah.

[Danielle]

Men and women. And so we get this Great version of you. And then when you start to. Whether it's two to three weeks or a month or two months in or whatever, they start to go back to what is natural to them. There is a progression of time that needs to happen before you make decisions on, like, I actually want something with this person.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And I think where we get stuck is we already make that decision after seeing the best version of you.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

So we just need to take a breath. We need to communicate what we want. And then when he tells us, we need to believe him. Like, if you were to say to me, like, if we dated and you're like, look, I got one day a week and it's not always going to be with you, I'd be like, that doesn't work for me.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And then we would know.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

At least you're honest, right? Yeah.

[Danielle]

But I have fallen into the trap where I'm like, the limerick thing goes wild, and I'm like, okay. Like, well, whenever you. You know.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. You know, you're just doing yourself a disservice.

[Danielle]

Right?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And then I stick around for way too long. So don't do that, guys. Okay. Is it okay to not hear from him for three to four days? What does that mean? What's the line?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Clearly, it's not okay.

[Danielle]

Not for me.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

No, sir.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because again, I've done that before. I maybe, like, I haven't, like, pursued or been in, like, anything in the recent times to, like, see if I act different or not. But I think now that we're talking about it, it makes sense. Like, if somebody. I think every girl wants to be, like, some type of line of communication, whether, like I said, it doesn't have to be every morning, every night or whatever, but at least something cool, you know? But for me, I just been, like, on my own time for so long. I got so used to it that I looked at the relationship with females as the same as my relationship with other people. And I'm like, oh, well, my homies don't get mad if I don't text them for four days. But it's different. It's different, right? Yeah, it's different.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So, yeah.

[Danielle]

That's interesting, though. I never thought about that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Because the thing that, for me. So say it's like, the thing that I don't like is if it's not that long, say it's like, one day. Say, like, I just had a really busy day and I just didn't get around to it. And, like, we don't have an ongoing Conversation. Right. I'm just going about my day, doing my thing. I have extra work to do at night, and then I just want to eat. Not because I talk all day long to customers. Right. My social battery gets drained.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So when I get home, I don't want to really talk to anybody, you know, But I think if you communicate that to the person, like, so they know that there's going to be days where maybe I don't. That doesn't mean, like, something's changed, because I've had the experience where maybe, like, I did take a day off or whatever from not speaking or just not texting or whatever, and then I'll text them in the morning, like, hey, like, how was your. Whatever. How was your weekend? How was your Saturday? And then they'll be like, oh, hey, stranger. I'm like, what? It's only been 24 hours. You know what I mean? To me, that's.

[Danielle]

That's. That's a little weird.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's a little weird. It's like, come on.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, give me. Give me some grace.

[Danielle]

Yeah, I mean, that makes sense. So what would the line be in your mind? What. How long is too long?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think. Yeah, I would say three. Three days. Plus to the. If they go full week, then they just don't even care.

[Danielle]

Okay, full week. They don't care. 48 hours.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay, let's put it there.

[Danielle]

That's. That's a cutoff.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Cut off 48 hours. Okay, so if you're, like, actively talking, talking, and then he just stops talking for, like, two to three days, then he's probably not thinking about it.

[Danielle]

Good to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, let me pause. All right, next question. If he goes MIA or zombies, let's say he drops off for longer than the identified 48 hours, maybe like three to seven days. And then he just, like, comes back. Was he thinking about me while he was gone?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I don't know. Was he thinking about you? Depends if he had something else. You know what I mean?

[Danielle]

And if he's gone for that long, poss.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

It's a possibility. I'm not saying it's a guarantee. He had something else on the side.

[Danielle]

So what would you tell your little sister to do if he.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

If a dude, like, ghosts you and then tries to slide back?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I'd say you better tell him kick rocks.

[Danielle]

Okay. What if he doesn't, like, officially ghost you, but he, like.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So it's in, like.

[Danielle]

It's a breadcrumbing situation.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

If it's my little sister, I'd Be like, let me meet this guy so I can make my own decision.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because sometimes girls are like, they had that infatuation with somebody that, oh, my God, he's so cute. He's this, he's that.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And they got the blinders on, and you kind of need the outside perspective to be like. So other somebody else could just read it right off the bat, you know?

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay. So I still don't want to do, like, if we're in this situation, should we just be telling this guy, kick rocks around, like, irregardless.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

If it's. If it's a ghost and he comes back as a zombie, tell him, go back.

[Danielle]

Go back to where you came from.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

To whence you came.

[Danielle]

Okay. All right. What's the appropriate way to ask a guy what he's looking for without scaring him off? And when should that happen?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think if they're both mature adults, I think it should happen as soon as possible.

[Danielle]

Like, first date.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Why not?

[Danielle]

I agree.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

I think that was. That's. Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think being scared of scaring someone off is like. And. But that's what you want to know. Like, if they're the type of person that you're looking for who has these qualities that you want, they would be open to discussing that. Right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So that could eliminate this person right off the bat. If they're like, if they get scared off, then.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Why would you want. Why would you want to be with that person? Right.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. So just. And it's not a tough question. No, it's a obvious question.

[Danielle]

What are you looking for? Yeah, and that's how you ask. It's like, hey, you asked me on this date.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Curious. What are you looking for?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. And you can just open up by this is what I'm looking for. To like, so he knows and be like, what about you? And then you can side note, be like, to me, like, whatever your answer is, like, it's fine if this. If it's not, you know, if it doesn't line with what I'm looking for, then that's okay. We can just be friends.

[Danielle]

And your level of investment needs to match his answer. So, like, if this guy, like, takes you out on a date or like, asks you to hang out, If a guy asks you to hang out, in my opinion, I want you to answer this too. Hanging out and going on a date are not the same intention.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay, give me example.

[Danielle]

Okay. Like, both if he's trying to Netflix.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And chill versus that's not a date.

[Danielle]

Absolutely not.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay.

[Danielle]

No.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like a come over.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. That's not a date.

[Danielle]

No.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Like if. And like that was something that I stopped entertaining in my like mid-20s. Like I just, it's it. That's a very clear line of. He doesn't want to put forth the energy and investment because I'm also old fashioned in terms of like, you will pick me up, take me on a date.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Pay for it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

Bring me home. And so if he's saying to you, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, I'm just like dating. And like. So I think a lot an answer for men very frequently is I'm not actively looking for a relationship. But if something were to come about.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And I, I want it to come about naturally and like, yeah. You know, see what happens. In my opinion, the investment from the female should be very low.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

It should match.

[Danielle]

Match that which is low to me.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Like if he's not. Because there's no, he doesn't want it.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

There's no guarantee.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And so like again, why would I invest in you at all? If you're like, well, maybe.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Then you should, from hearing that answer, you should go about it in that same fashion.

[Danielle]

So funny. Because these things seem like so straightforward, but they're really not.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

They're not.

[Danielle]

They're not.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

There's so many variables because answers are very broad in general. And they're like, it's always like, it's like a fence. Like they're always playing on the fence. Like, oh, well, I'm dating, but I don't know, I'm just kind of want to hang out and see where it goes like that. Yeah. See where it goes. Like we're just. Where are we going?

[Danielle]

Yeah. Where are you taking. Where you are driving.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

So yeah. Like I think the whole see where it goes things like, I don't know.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think that's the easiest answer. When they don't know if they're ready to commit to a relationship.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Because they're telling you that's a no. Like if I don't know is a no at this point.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Because if you knew, you would say it.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

And that's the next place I wanted to go. A man I've experienced this can say, yeah, I am looking for a relationship. I do want to find like my person, whatever. And then realize that he doesn't actually.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Or he's not ready.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

And I think what's important is I love your input of that conversation of intention needs to happen early On. And also the behavior after that point has to match what he initially said.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

So if he's telling you he wants a relationship, like, there are other reasons he could be telling you he wants that. You know what I'm saying?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Explain.

[Danielle]

There are other things that he may want.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh, so he was lying.

[Danielle]

Either lying or. Or genuinely thinking he wanted it, but he doesn't actually being ready for it or not actually knowing what that means. And so, like, I do think a lot of men are really like, yeah, it would be great to find someone. And I am. I feel ready. Then they start to catch feelings, and then they're like, this is scary. And then they're like, I'm not so sure. And then the behavior changes, but the conversation doesn't happen.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Right.

[Danielle]

So I've been there.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I have not so much, like, I catch feelings, but when things start to get serious, then I think sub. This is what my own interpretation of my own brain is. Subconsciously, I know that means I have to sacrifice my own time to give to someone else.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And I'm not actively thinking that in my brain, but my subconscious brain is like, hey, if you take this any further, you might not be able to, you know, spend that full day by yourself anymore. You might not have to. You have to be okay with, you know, reaching out and talking to somebody when you don't want to talk to.

[Danielle]

Somebody, you know, it's relinquishing. I read something that was like, the most important thing to man is freedom. Being able to make the decision of, I am talking to no one tonight. I am going to eat my takeout and, like, watch TV and be with my dog. And the.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You're getting at me right now.

[Danielle]

No. Well, I'm just using the example. I do it too. Oh, but who wouldn't want to look at her?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's literally what we do all the time.

[Danielle]

Well, I do that too. I'm not. I'm not hating on you. I'm just saying is like, it's almost like recognizing the responsibility that you would be taking on and being like, I can't take that on.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Have you ever seen a girl that you think is super beautiful, has her stuff together? You're interested in her, and you automatically are like, there's no way. Because I know the level that she would need, and I can't do that.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I don't. I don't think that's a conscious thought in my brain. Like, oh, I don't. I can't handle this. But I think I wouldn't let it get to that point, like I wouldn't put in enough to where she's like, okay, I need more now.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I've been told that before. Like, hey, what you're giving right now isn't enough.

[Danielle]

Which is good.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. Because then I'm glad she said that.

[Danielle]

Right?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Because I, because. And I was straight up with her too. I'm like, well, at this current stage in my life, this is what I have to give.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And it didn't work for her.

[Danielle]

And ladies, you have to believe it. There's nothing that you can do or be hotter or provide more entertainment for him in order to change his mind.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

He's telling you shouldn't have to incentivize.

[Danielle]

No.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

His attention.

[Danielle]

Or that's the word. That's so good.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Say it again.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You shouldn't have to incentivize his attention. So you shouldn't have to find things to like draw this person in more or do the more you do. If he already said clear, like, this is all I have to give now. And you, you're thinking, well, if I do more, maybe he'll, you know, come around. It's not going to happen. It's really not.

[Danielle]

And I have found because I hit that cycle a lot. I'm like, well, I'm just gonna like cook really good. He's gonna want my food. Like, I'm just gonna make my house really comfortable. So he wants to be here, you know. And what I have found is like, the more as a woman you try to do the chasing of the man subconsciously, the farther he runs away. Would you say that's true?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I would say, yeah, it depends on the man. Because if it's like, say it's like a guy who likes that because there's guys that like to be taken care of, you know, and maybe that's what they're used to as a kid.

[Danielle]

How do you ask about that?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like ask like, do you like being taken care of or. I think you just show those qualities first and see how they, how they respond. Because sometimes in my own experience, like, like I said, I've spent a lot of my adult life by myself, so I've done things for myself. And when I got into my first, like real long term relationship and this person started doing a lot of things for me, it made me feel weird at first. I wasn't used to it. Like the first birthday we shared together or my birthday, like I woke up and there's balloons and fucking. Oh, sorry, sorry. And presents and it, I didn't receive It. Well, because it was like, strange. So you knew it was almost. I felt like it's too much. Like, why, why are you doing this for me? Right. Because I wasn't used to it. Because I spent many birthdays alone with no presence, with no celebration, and the first time I'm getting it, I'm like. It's like almost. You don't know how to act when somebody really loves you, you know? Yeah, but I got used to it, you know, I had to tell myself, like, oh, I can't. Like my initial reaction. I'm not gonna make this person feel bad for doing something nice to me, you know, but that's something I had to learn within myself. That like, in order to receive love, like, you know, you have to feel like you deserve it. And a lot of people don't feel like that, you know?

[Danielle]

Mm. Yeah, I have experience with that. Unfortunately not for myself, but my counterpart.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Do you have a bleep button?

[Danielle]

No, it's fine.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I'm working on it.

[Danielle]

It's okay. I don't like curse at all, ever, ever.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

And it doesn't ever slip up. But I feel like that's not part of your vocabulary naturally. Right. Because not like you. You like hang out with friends that curse all the time. Right. Or do they?

[Danielle]

Well, besides my brother.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Oh, that's true.

[Danielle]

So we're just. I don't know, I. It was something like in my mid-20s where I was like, I just for myself. I feel like it. There must be some other words I can use to express myself.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

But it doesn't bother you when you hear him, does it?

[Danielle]

It does.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Does it?

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay, we kind of touched on this, but I want your opinion. How long should a woman continue to see other people and keep her options open? Like how far, like after you go on a first date with someone?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think that depends on how much effort is being put forth on the man's part. So if it's noticeable that this one person's standing out more than the other and you're like, hey, like, I like this, then I would leave the other ones, you know?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Just to be fair. But then you'd have to be sure. Or at least you have another conversation, Right? Be like, hey, like, are you talking to anybody else? Just so you're both clear on it. So it's not one sided because you don't want to be like, oh, well, I'm not gonna date anybody. But then this other person's right out dating other people too. So. Just being clear.

[Danielle]

Yeah, but we're Unanimous on. I can't believe I'm even saying this, but, like, you go on one date with someone, you are not exclusive. You should be, like, open.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

I think that's normal. Don't you think?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Is that normal?

[Danielle]

It's normal. I'm just saying it's hard, like, for the type of person that I've. I am, I just get so laser focused.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah. For me, it's like I don't have the headspace to balance multiple. I can't. I don't have the energy. I don't have the mental capacity for it. Like, if I'm going to carry because I'm having conversations all day long with clients. So to have multiple conversations with multiple women, that just sounds like a headache to me.

[Danielle]

I don't know if I can do it because like I said, I don't think I've ever really truly done it, like, actively for an extended period of time. However, I'm the opposite, where I will hyperfocus on you too much and then that's going to be good for no one, you know, so. Okay. There always seems to be a shift when I start to date someone where I finally give in and show I like them, and then a clear drop off of effort happens on his part. What should I do? And how do I break the cycle? So I think this one is, like, the turning point is when the girl actually starts to invest and, like, be like, yeah, I like you, and like, that kind of thing. And then he gets comfortable.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Mm.

[Danielle]

So what. What are your thoughts there?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

So if you're saying, like, a cycle, like, it keeps happening to you, I guess you'd have to kind of analyze at what point do you start to like this person? And is it really, do you like them or are you super attracted? Because the infatuation and attraction and chemistry is different than I like this person. Right. Because to me, you could just say, like, I like them. Like, what is it that you like about them? You're talking about the qualities that they have, the character, their character, how they treat people like, their relationship with their friends and family. Like, I think the things that you should be considering and whether I do I like this person should be based on those aspects and not just like, oh, I like being around them. You know, because when you're spending time with somebody when it's brand new, you, you know, you get the butterflies and they're cute and they're a good kisser and whatnot. And then you might think you like them. I think that's another important thing to do is what I'm implementing now in my current dating technique, I call it, is physical stuff, intimacy, sex. No, I'm not. I'm pushing that off. I can't do it because in the past, when that's happened too fast, that's the whole. I get confused. I get confused. Like, do I like this person and I don't even know them?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

If.

[Danielle]

If there was no kissing, no sex, no, like, physical contact past, what would be a normal human to human.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Would you actually like this person?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yes.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

That's what you have to consider before telling them. Hey, I like you. Right. So I think that takes a certain amount of time to determine that. And then at that point, I don't feel like the effort would drop.

[Danielle]

Right. You're right.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

You know?

[Danielle]

Yeah. I think. I think we need to, like, ask ourselves, do we like them or do we like how they make us feel?

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yes.

[Danielle]

What about them specifically do you like? That's aside from yourself. And you hit the nail on the head. I feel I'm in the exact same bucket with the intimacy thing where that just takes over. And I think from my side with myself and the tendencies that I have is at that point I'm like, all right, well, I got to make this work no matter what, because there is that intimacy.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

But should that even happen? Do I even like this person? Are we a good match in general.

[Daisuke Suzuki]

Like, compatibility, you know, because you could, like, be super attracted to somebody and not have anything in common with them. Yeah, it happens all the time.

[Danielle]

All right, guys, I'm gonna cut it here. It's about halfway through. Remember that we're gonna have part two dropping next week on Monday. That will be Monday, the pause. Monday the 25th. Okay, so set, set your alarms, but, like, more importantly, make sure that on Spotify, you're hitting the follow button. And. And the bell. The bell is what's going to notify you the moment, like, new episodes drop so you don't miss it. And then on Apple, I think it's just following or subscribing or whatever. So make sure you do that. I love you. I love you. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out. And it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. Bye.