18. things i wish i knew about men FROM A MAN pt 2

Summary

Podcast Summary: Who Is She? | Episode 18: Things I Wish I Knew About Men From a Man (Pt. 2)

Host: Danielle Walter (Speaker A)
Guest: Dice (Speaker B)
Release Date: March 25, 2024
Duration: Approximately 80 minutes

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Danielle Walter continues her insightful exploration of relationship dynamics in the second part of her highly anticipated episode, “Things I Wish I Knew About Men From a Man (Pt. 2),” featuring guest Dice. This episode delves deep into the complexities of modern dating, male perspectives on relationships, communication barriers, and strategies for thriving in personal connections. Below is a detailed summary capturing the essence of their discussions, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps.

1. Introduction and Recap

Danielle opens the episode by welcoming listeners and acknowledging the existence of Part 1, encouraging new listeners to check it out for foundational insights. She sets the stage for a candid conversation about men's perspectives on dating and relationships.

2. Attraction Beyond the Surface

The conversation begins with a reflection on personal attraction and the willingness to date someone who might not fit conventional attractive standards. Danielle shares her thoughts on finding value in compatibility over superficial appeal.

• Danielle (00:05): "I almost shy away from guys that are blatantly attractive because I feel like you get away with everything."
• Dice (02:24): "Why not give them the benefit of the doubt to see if they possess the qualities I'm looking for?"

3. Female Success and Male Insecurity

Danielle and Dice discuss how successful women can sometimes make men feel insecure, attributing these feelings to the men’s own issues rather than the women’s accomplishments. They emphasize the importance of self-confidence in men to appreciate a woman’s drive and determination.

• Dice (06:22): "If a woman is successful, that's like... she's driven, she has determination, she's disciplined."
• Danielle (07:58): "If you're experiencing with a man who is intimidated by your success, you're talking to your little sister. What should she do?"

4. Setting Boundaries and Recognizing Toxic Relationships

The hosts delve into the significance of setting boundaries in relationships. They highlight how failing to uphold these boundaries can lead to toxic dynamics, urging women to prioritize their well-being by setting clear limits.

• Danielle (08:26): "Focus on yourself and keep pushing to be more successful until the right type of person appreciates that in you."
• Dice (14:03): "The only problem is if a man has a problem with you and it's something that's positive, it doesn't make sense to me."

5. Understanding Mixed Signals and Breadcrumbing

A major portion of the discussion revolves around mixed signals and the phenomenon of breadcrumbing, where men give minimal attention to keep women interested without committing fully. Both speakers advocate for women to recognize these patterns and disengage from such behaviors.

• Danielle (10:57): "This is called breadcrumbing... with the least amount of effort to keep you around."
• Dice (13:36): "Kick rocks because I don't have time for that."

6. Intimacy and Post-Intimacy Clarity (PNC)

The concept of "Post Nut Clarity" (PNC) is introduced, explaining how some men reassess their feelings after physical intimacy. Danielle questions the practicality of celibate dating, while Dice emphasizes ensuring emotional and personal compatibility before becoming intimate.

• Dice (16:26): "It's called Post Nut Clarity... Do I really like this person?"
• Danielle (18:51): "I will be pursuing celibate dating because what I've been doing hasn't been working for those who are not celibate."

7. Developing Emotional Intelligence and Communication Skills

The episode highlights the challenges women face in eliciting genuine emotional responses from men, attributing it to communication skill gaps. Dice suggests that fostering open, honest dialogues can bridge this gap, while Danielle underscores the importance of setting clear emotional boundaries.

• Dice (34:41): "Everyone is born with the ability to talk, speak, but we're not all born with communication... you have to practice."
• Danielle (15:20): "If you have that feeling in you where you're hurt or you don't like that, that's where you need to set a boundary."

8. The Impact of Social Media on Dating

Danielle shares her experiences as an influencer and how her online presence affects her dating life. She discusses the challenges of maintaining authenticity and vulnerability in a digital age where first impressions are often based on curated online images.

• Danielle (55:12): "I have one [Instagram account], but I don't share it because I want you to get to know me the old fashioned way."
• Dice (59:17): "I like to see something that you take interest in, like a hobby... display it."

9. Green and Red Flags in Online Dating

The duo identifies various red and green flags to watch for in online dating profiles. From excessive photo filters to lack of genuine personal information, they guide listeners on discerning genuine intentions from superficial presentations.

• Danielle (66:42): "If you mark yourself as Christian and don't mention anything about church, that's an incompatibility."
• Dice (74:10): "I like girls that have good fashion... dress nice."

10. Age Range and Life Experience

Age differences in relationships are examined, with both speakers agreeing that maturity and life experience play crucial roles in compatibility. They caution against dating significantly younger or older individuals without considering the potential disparities in life stages.

• Dice (75:51): "I've dated younger girls in the past, and the mindset is not right."
• Danielle (77:26): "If you're dating someone who's too young or too old, there might be underlying reasons."

11. Final Thoughts and Mutual Respect

As the episode draws to a close, Danielle and Dice emphasize the importance of mutual respect, understanding, and recognizing one’s worth in dating scenarios. They encourage listeners to prioritize their standards and not settle for less than they deserve.

• Danielle (59:56): "If he doesn’t respect the Hustle, I can’t be with him."
• Dice (60:05): "I respect the person that is willing to be vulnerable and pursue something they're passionate about."

Notable Quotes

• Danielle (16:14): "You are teaching someone how to treat you, but also teaching them what you put up with."
• Dice (29:08): "Anxious usually attracts avoidant."
• Danielle (42:22): "If a guy is turned off by what is a core value of mine, how am I supposed to change?"
• Dice (52:28): "Behavior has to be in line with your words."

Conclusion

Episode 18 of "Who Is She?" offers a profound dialogue between Danielle Walter and Dice, shedding light on the nuanced aspects of modern relationships from a male perspective. By addressing common pitfalls, communication barriers, and the influence of societal expectations, they provide listeners with valuable insights and practical advice to navigate their 20s and thrive in their 30s. Whether you're single or seeking to enhance your current relationship, this episode equips you with the knowledge to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections.

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Key Takeaways:

• Prioritize Compatibility Over Appearance: Seek partners who align with your values and goals rather than solely focusing on physical attraction.

• Recognize and Set Boundaries: Establish clear personal limits to maintain healthy relationships and avoid toxic dynamics.

• Foster Open Communication: Encourage honest dialogue to bridge communication gaps and build emotional intimacy.

• Understand the Impact of Social Media: Be mindful of how online personas influence dating perceptions and strive for authenticity.

• Identify Red and Green Flags: Be vigilant in recognizing behaviors that indicate compatibility or potential issues in relationships.

• Value Life Experience and Maturity: Consider the importance of maturity and life experience when determining relationship compatibility.

By integrating these insights, listeners can enhance their relationship strategies, ensuring they build connections that are both meaningful and enduring.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Hello and welcome to who is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hey, guys. Welcome to part two of the highly anticipated Things I Wish I Knew About Men from a Man episode. My guess is that if you're here, you've already listened to part one. That's just my guess. But if on the off chance you maybe have found me, maybe, let's say a real or TikTok from this goes viral and you just found me today, there is a part one to this episode. So I want you to know that and I want you to keep listening here, but know that you can go back and there's so much, so much gold in that first episode. Okay, so without further ado, we're going to get into part two. So I have this thing where, like, have you seen Sex in the City?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, so in Sex in the City, there's four characters. They're women.

[B]

I'm aware of the show.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, yeah, but two of them have, what's it?

[B]

Sarah Jessica Parker.

[A]

Sjp. Yeah, two of them. There's Harry and there's Steve. Harry is short, bald, kind of just like, he was pitched as, like, this guy that's, like, not appealing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But he is so compatible with the wife and the way that he pursues her and who he is and stuff. And then Steve is this, like, kind of kooky, short guy, too. Like, and I think there's so much value in, like, I've thought about this a lot and, like, I kind of want to date someone I'm, like, not attracted to at all.

[B]

That's what I was thinking. I was going to ask you what are you willing to, like, something's got to give, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not saying that you can't have the total package, because I think everybody envisions this ideal person that has the hair color they want and they're this height and they've, you know, the whole nine. Right. They're they're nice, they're empathetic, they're this, this and that. But it's kind of like when you're looking for a car, right? And you're like, oh, I want the brown leather seats with the black rims and this and that. But you find one that's kind of like that, but it doesn't have. It doesn't have the upgraded sound system. Is that okay for you?

[A]

I was having a hard time.

[B]

Automotive talk.

[A]

No, but I hear what you're saying because my list, proverbial list, that, like, you know, what I'm looking for has changed drastically in the last year. And in the last, like, five years, same. Um, and I almost. Am I almost shy away from guys that are blatantly attractive because I'm like, you are trouble. Because I feel like you get away with everything.

[B]

Could that be a judgment? Like, because. Because I'm not. I'm not saying making any call on me, but I get judged a lot because of my appearance.

[A]

Yeah, right. I could see that.

[B]

So people don't know what I look like, but I have a lot of tattoos.

[A]

Very fit.

[B]

I'm very fit. And you know, people tell me I'm good looking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I've. And. But the number one thing that I've. Feedback that I've heard is like, oh, you look. You look like you talk to a bunch of girls, you got a bunch of girls in your DMs, or you mess around and da, da, da. And that's not the case.

[A]

Dice is like the most wholesome.

[B]

It's not the case guy.

[A]

Yeah. And that's true. That's a judgment. I think that's my own fear from past experience. It's because I always go for the. Always went.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For the same guy.

[B]

But I mean, you like what you like, right? So if there's somebody that.

[A]

Yeah, but it's starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth is what I gotta say. Like, I don't know.

[B]

And I've tried to do the same thing and, like, not go for somebody because they're my quote unquote type, at least physically. Like, if a person's attractive, they're attractive. If they're, you know, a girl's cute, she's cute. Like, why not give them the benefit of the doubt to see if they. If they possess the qualities I'm looking for, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's tough to get away from that because it's what you're used to. So everything that you're used to, you have tendencies to fall back into those things. Unless you are conscious of what you're doing and be like, you know what, let me try something else.

[A]

And I think for everyone listening, like, there's so much value in being way more open with your physical type because we all know that chemistry, like, if you're completely unattracted to someone, like, that's going to be tough. But generally speaking, like, remember in school when you would get seated next to someone and then you're next to them every day and you get to start to get to know them and you develop a crush on them? Yeah, it's like that. Like, even if you're not like, holy moly, this person is so attractive, that can happen too. So I guess what I'm saying to the girls listening is be a little bit more open. But anyway, back to Sex in the City. Yeah, I am on the vibe where I'm like, maybe I need a hairier, a Steve.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Like, give me short, bald, a little bit chubby, but like heart of gold and will pursue me and okay, do all the man stuff. I don't know. We'll see, we'll see.

[B]

We'll see how it goes.

[A]

She's a single girl. Okay.

[B]

It's up in the air. I don't know.

[A]

Okay, what's your response to female success? Making men feel insecure?

[B]

I think if a man is ins. Feels insecure because maybe that all has to do with him, his own self, you know, and even versus another man, like man to man, right? Feeling inferior because maybe this person makes more money than you, he has a better job, he's better looking. You might, like, if you're aren't confident in yourself or insecure in yourself, you're going to feel that way towards anybody, you know, So I don't. To me, to me, that's a plus. If a woman is successful, that's like, oh, she's driven, she's has determination, she's disciplined, right? So I look at what qualities does a successful person have and that's what I like. So if a woman is, I guess you can define success and different ways, but if she doesn't have much going for her or she doesn't. To me, she doesn't seem driven or she's just had the same, like no career or just kind of go like going through life, no passion, no passion, just kind of living, you know, weekend to weekend, what's going on or, oh, I'm going to EDC again this year. I don't know. I'm not trying to label people, but, you know. Yeah, just like nothing outside of the short term. Excitement, you know, Purpose. Purpose. Yeah.

[A]

So to the girls listening, if you're in experience with a man who is intimidated by your success, you're talking to your little sister. What should she do?

[B]

I think she should focus on herself and keep pushing to be more successful until the right type of person appreciates that in you.

[A]

Okay, we're going to translate that. We should tell the man to kick rocks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I have pulled the phrase focus on yourself and thought about that a lot. Because a lot of times the focus on yourself takes the focus on. Off of what the actual problem is. And if someone's in a relationship that is, like, toxic because he can't handle her success, like, that needs to be addressed. And then you focus on yourself.

[B]

The only problem, like the. A man. If a man has a problem with you and it's something that's positive, that doesn't make any sense to me. Right.

[A]

Yes. I went on a date with this guy that I'm not. I won't give details, but I went on the date with this guy and I had told him there was a period of time where I wouldn't give my social media because I didn't want people to know about the following. And I didn't want. Because I'm so vulnerable on there. I didn't want men to, like, get to know me by just like scrolling my feed. Because what I post is very different and it's me talking and sharing my, like, thoughts on big topics. So I told him I had a following, but I won't. I wouldn't give him my handle or whatever. And I was like, my audience is female. It's not an only fans thing. It's the farthest thing from that. Like, because a lot of guys will think, like, oh, she has a following. Like, you know what that means?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I was like, you have no idea. It's the exact opposite completely. And he straight up told me, which was one of the many flags on the state. Yeah. A guy kind of wants his girl to be, like, low key. Like, he wants to, like, be the only person that knows how, like, valuable she is.

[B]

And, like, he wants you to suppress your excellence.

[A]

Yeah. Which is like the same thing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because you want someone to encourage you to be the best version of yourself in any way you see fit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if they're intimidated by it, that's just an internal problem, you know, with them.

[A]

Yeah. Kick rocks.

[B]

Yeah, kick rocks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's the word of the day.

[A]

Maybe we'll title it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the purpose of mixed signals, and what's your opinion on what women should do if they're receiving them from men?

[B]

So mixed signals, I think, are unintentional. Sometimes I think they don't really know. They don't consider it maybe a mixed signal. You look angry.

[A]

Keep going.

[B]

So, like. Okay, so what would you give me an example of?

[A]

Like, it's like, hot and cold. Like, you're all about me, and then.

[B]

And then you're not.

[A]

And then you're not. And then. And this wasn't my question, but I can, I guess, put words in this person's mouth about. It's sort of like the breadcrumbing thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, sometimes they pay you attention and sometimes they don't. And I have my own opinions on that. But this is not my episode, it's yours.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

From the man's perspective.

[B]

Okay. So you said, what's. What's the deal with mixed signals? What's the second question?

[A]

What is the purpose of mixed signals? Like, why would a man do that? And you said it's something like.

[B]

I said, I don't think it's unintentional. I think it is unintentional. I don't think they're being like, oh, I'm gonna give him this. It's not like they're playing a game. I don't think it's a game.

[A]

You really don't think so?

[B]

Well, not for me.

[A]

Not for you. But we're talking about men in general. The people that have been in your chair.

[B]

It could. It could be.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It could be a possibility where, like, they're like, oh, I'm going to, you know, show. It's kind of like we said, your. What did your pastor say? It's.

[A]

Oh, your representative.

[B]

Representative, yeah. So it could be. At first they're doing the most.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they're like, oh, well, I already got her for the most part.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I got her hooked. Now I don't have to try as hard.

[A]

Now I'm gonna give her just enough.

[B]

Yeah. So that she's still messing with me, but where I don't have to put in, you know, X amount of effort.

[A]

So that's called breadcrumbing. You know about that?

[B]

I do now.

[A]

You do now?

[B]

Yeah. Or the term. I know what it is, but I didn't have the. The term.

[A]

Yeah. So. Yes. So they call that breadcrumbing. And basically, it's where a person doesn't have to be male to female. But typically it is where a man will be, give you the whole thing and then take a little bit back and then take a little bit back and then take a little bit back and see how far he can get.

[B]

With the least amount.

[A]

With the least amount of effort to keep you around, keep you responding. And my opinion on that is. Kick rocks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I don't have time for that.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, most of these questions.

[A]

I used to have time for that.

[B]

Yeah. Not today.

[A]

Not. Not anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, sir.

[B]

And you shouldn't. You know, I think it's. You just gotta set boundaries within yourself. And if this person is not accommodating them or up to par, then stand by what you believe in, you know.

[A]

And I think going through this in real time, literally in real time, it's so we hear boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and we're like, what does that even sound like in my situation? And I'm going to tell you, here's your recipe. You don't like something when you're talking to someone. Like, and I think there's a time and place. So I used to be the girl that would, like, hit you up and like, chase you down to tell you how you wronged me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You wait until the next time that he wants something from you. He wants your time, he wants your attention, whatever. Because that's the appropriate time. He's coming forward to you to have some sort of interaction. It doesn't make sense to chase someone who doesn't want to hear, you know. So you wait until the appropriate time and you literally say, I've noticed this. I don't like it. That's it. Yeah, that's setting a boundary.

[B]

And then it's up to them.

[A]

The ball is up to them. And then you watch their behavior and you listen to their words, but you watch their behavior. And then you. That's the point where you're. You're done. And how you know you should do this is if you have that feeling in you where you're like, that hurt or I don't like that. Like, that's where you need to set a boundary. But we, like, have this happen to us over and over again. We do nothing about it.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I think the boundary is also. It's not just for them to. For them. Like you're saying the boundary for yourself. So you have to keep implementing that. Right. If you let stuff slide, then that's on you.

[A]

That's not a boundary.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

It's empty promises.

[B]

If it's in your head and nobody else knows about it. How you expect this person to accommodate it?

[A]

Well, even if you express it and then you let. Yeah, it happened over and over again.

[B]

It's on you.

[A]

My last thing that was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what is happening effectively is you are teaching someone how to treat you, but also teaching them what you put up with. Like, she says that she's not okay with me not calling her for three days, but I'm still calling her, and she's still answering every three days.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Right.

[A]

So there's the enforcement of those boundaries, too.

[B]

You're part of the problem at that point.

[A]

Yeah. 50 of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. This is good. Okay. Why do men lose interest after being intimate?

[B]

Okay, so this is a male term. I don't know if females are aware of it or if you've heard of it.

[A]

Vasopressin?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

It's called post nut clarity. Have you heard that? Yeah, unfortunately, it's a real thing.

[A]

Tell us about that.

[B]

So there's this moment after you are intimate with somebody to completion. To completion, where you kind of know, do I really like. Like this or like them? But, like, do I have kind of, like, some type of connection with them? Because if there's no connection or you feel like, all right, that was it, then it's kind of like everything's out the window.

[A]

I don't know what to do with that. Okay, so are you saying that after this, we're gonna call it pnc? Because I can't say that out loud.

[B]

PNC after pnc, it's like a moment of clarity where, like. But I feel like this.

[A]

That you just have the answer.

[B]

They. You think you. Because it's almost like a. You know, when you kind of, like, just catch the vibe where you're like, okay, do I want to? Because if you, like, really like hanging out, being with this person and you like being intimate and, like, when you're. When you. It's. It's like, do I want to let her stay and keep cuddling with her because I enjoy it? Or if you're. It's. Or it's either that or it's like, okay, when is your Uber coming? Kind of deal? Yeah.

[A]

Crying.

[B]

Sorry to say, but it's. It's a real thing.

[A]

Okay. I want to understand this more. So are you saying that either option can happen where the PNC happens and he's like, yeah, I'm into this.

[B]

And I think. I think it depends on. At what stage in the dating is this Happening. And usually that's like when it's right in the beginning or it's like a one night stand type of thing. Or like you say, you just started talking and you get you gave it up. That's usually where it'll go downhill because you gave it up so fast. It's like, I got the prize, then now what? You know, It's a cold truth, but it is very true.

[A]

Okay, so I will be pursuing for the first time in my life celibate dating. Cuz what I've been doing hasn't been working for those who are not celibate. Do you think there's an amount of time or a point at which a woman should that would behoove her to set her up for success and a positive pnc?

[B]

Like what, what's the proper amount of time to wait? I would think the woman would like need to have all those other aspects of the dating like on point as if he's giving me what I require. Right.

[A]

The attention, filling your needs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Outside of intimacy.

[B]

Right. So if those are met and you can, you're on the same page as like, okay, we're both actively pursuing a potential relationship, then go for it. You know, because I think those things just happen naturally. Right. You spend enough, say you go on hella dates and then now it's to the point where I'm coming over midweek and just kicking it and we're having dinner together and I'm staying in his house type stuff, then it's, it's bound to happen. Right. In the beginning. It's going to be tough. But I strongly suggest you hold off.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's why, like I said, I will be pursuing celibate dating. But I think my opinion is that there's not a time if I were to continue, which I actually. Everyone listening. I don't advise you to have sex while dating. I just don't. I'm 31, I'm still single. It has not served me well. But you know, there are other people in the world. I don't think it's necessarily a time. I would say if you're not pursuing abstinent or celibate dating, that there needs to be. The representative has to go, so your best self has to leave. And I need to see you through multiple seasons to see how you're going to show up for me. So.

[B]

Yeah, I like that. Multiple seasons.

[A]

Yeah, I need to see you when you're sick. Yeah, I need to see you when things don't go your way.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I need to see you when I'm sick. I. Yeah. And also, like, calendar seasons, like, what's your Christmas like? You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. I am saying. I. I'm saying this from the point of, like, I have made this mistake, and I've made this mistake recently, and so I am not perfect, but I know what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing.

[B]

So, you know, I made the mistake too, you know, and I'm like, everyone has. You did it again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Oh, God help us. Okay. Why do men talk to women after a breakup or. Or not showing up for her or being lame as if nothing's happened?

[B]

Because they're. They're just pieces of crap, pretty much.

[A]

And they're just trying to, like.

[B]

They're just trying to see if you'll bite again.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So they're just. They think you're dumb, basically.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So if. If a guy treats you that way and. And he tries to do it again, that's like, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. I mean, what is it?

[A]

Fool me one, shame on you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pull me twice, shame on me.

[B]

Correct. So, yeah, if you give into that, that's. That's your problem. You need to.

[A]

So don't respond.

[B]

Don't respond.

[A]

Cool. Why do men continue to talk to girls they're not ready to actually date? And what should women do in that instance?

[B]

I think we talked about that, right? Yeah, I think. I think they. They might think they're ready, like you said, but they're really not, and so they just pursue it as such. And once they start to realize, like, oh, man, I don't think I am, then those same cycles happen where the effort goes down and you're just caught in the same problem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Again.

[A]

And women, if that's the case, you need to know that and then do what you need to do in order to, like. If you're able to continue talking to that person and maybe, like, go on dates with them or hang out with them according to what you want without extended feelings, that's your prerogative. Most times I don't think that's the case. Most times I think we're like, I hope he changes. I hope he. You know, so knowing that kick rocks like it. You got to cut it off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Unless you're able to, like, not have an emotional investment, which is hard.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's what you just said. I hope he changes. You can't hope anyone changes because people won't change for others. People change for themselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So unless something triggers in their brain or they have this self actualization that there's something wrong with the way I'm conducting my life or going about things currently and I need to make that change. Unless they have think of that themselves, they conceptualize that in their own brain. That's the only way a change is going to happen. You know, you could point it out all day, but at the end of the day it's up to them.

[A]

Yeah. That's the whole like dating potential rather than the person.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Don't date people for their potential. You got to meet them where they're at or not.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. How easy is it for you to compartmentalize different scenarios and let me break this down.

[B]

Yeah, please.

[A]

So for me, if I'm dating someone and I like them, I go on a girls trip, I'm thinking about you. Like I want to talk, like I might be busy, but I want to talk to you. I am thinking about you. While I'm gone, if I like someone and I have a full workday, like I will still think about you. I will still want to make time for you. But it seems like it feels like from the men's man's perspective that isn't the case. And let's say something in the interaction, we have a fight or whatever, my day's ruined. Like I can't separate that.

[B]

I think it is different for men.

[A]

Okay, tell us about that.

[B]

And, and, but then that also subcategory depends on the type of man. Cuz there's a more feminine, emotional type of man. Also because I've talked to guys that if they're going through it with their girl, they're a completely different person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's guys that I've spoken to that like they'll come in one day, head down, not talkative at all. I'm like, hey, what's up bro? Like you good? You know, man, just going through with my girl and then they're just sad. Boy, one of those all day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. So I think it depends on the man. For me just being honest, just being honest. And like I've had to like, I've had to really like, look, look at myself in that aspect. I used to really think like, damn, I'm kind of a cold, cold type of person. Because I think it's just that the, the fact that for me, like I've realized my happiness is generated solely by myself. Right. I don't rely on others to, to provide me with happiness. So even if there's Something that's like a. Especially if it's a fight. If it's a fight or it's like something that could have easily been solved or she's upset about something, it's not going to ruin my day. So I'm just. I'm just being honest. For me, for me. For some. Like I said, they're for another type of guy. Maybe they are. But it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Doesn't mean I just. I don't care. That just means that I choose. I choose happiness for myself, or at least peace. I'm not saying I'm going about my day skipping and whistling like it's all good, but I'm not. I'm still gonna take care of business. I'm still gonna handle what I need to handle. I'm still going to go to the gym. Still going to. I'm not. I don't. My. My demeanor and my energy isn't affected by outside variables.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's just the type of mindset I've created for myself. So I can't speak for everyone, but just personally. And that might be. Some people might think, well, you're probably just. You don't care about them enough or something. But I don't think that's the case.

[A]

Do you know what your attachment style is?

[B]

I think it's avoidant. What is it?

[A]

So there's, to my knowledge, there's anxious, there's avoidant, they're secure. And then there's also anxious, avoidant.

[B]

I think mine's avoidant. Where, like, if I'm the type to kind of like, I'm gonna do my own thing.

[A]

Yeah, so exactly.

[B]

If something's causing me stress, I just fall back.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's the. Like, directionally, I wish you could see me. And anxious goes forward.

[B]

When there's conflict, I pull back.

[A]

And an avoidant pulls back, I pull back. And this is really, really important. If you don't know about attachment styles, highly recommend. Literally, just do a Google search. There's a book called Attached that'll change your perspective on everything and how you choose partners. I always, always choose avoidance, and that has to do with my relationship with my dad. But the problem is anxious, avoidance, anxious people and avoidant people do not make good mixtures because of that. Push, pull.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so.

[B]

Because they feed into each other.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because the more you push, the more cycle.

[A]

That's exactly right. Right. Do you. If you think about your past partners, do you think you. You choose avoidance or Anxious or secure?

[B]

Anxious.

[A]

Yeah. And. And that's the thing. I think in the book it says that typically, like, mag. Magnetizing, like, anxious usually attracts avoidant.

[B]

Right. It makes sense.

[A]

I think I need some. Well, I would love someone secure, and I would love to be secure.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Which I think I'm, like, working on. But, yeah. I don't know. I think I've been with one person who was anxious and. And it was actually great because.

[B]

Because you want to.

[A]

They came forward. Yeah.

[B]

You're like, you want to. To be like, you want somebody to be like, hey, like, I need you.

[A]

Or like, I want. If there's. I don't want you to run away from me in any circumstance. And I can. Being with all the experience I've had with avoidance, I know exactly what to do. Doesn't mean I like it. So, like, we have a fight. You need time. I don't. I'm like. And I also want to be with my person all the time. Like, I just want to be a little barnacle on your side.

[B]

In the pocket.

[A]

Yeah. Right on you. Hi.

[B]

You want to be the puppies in the sack, Basically.

[A]

Yeah. I want to be a puppy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. Okay. And I. And typically, even with. There's no conflict avoidance. Are not like that. They need their time.

[B]

Yeah. So I think for me, like, I'm avoidant in the sense of not necessarily when it's confrontation, because I don't shy away from it. I'm not, like, I'm not intimidated by it, or I don't feel like, oh, I don't want to talk about it. I like having conversations, but I'm trying to have it in, like, a decent, mature manner. So if you're not. If you're totally emotional and. And raising your voice or you're, like, just talking out of pocket or whatever, like, I'm not gonna have any parts of it. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm not gonna, like, ignore you or not talk to you, but I'm gonna let you, like, hey, this is not the time. And I'm gonna need you to, like, take a breath, collect yourself. Because I don't. I don't, like, feel. Because I feel like when people in the moment most of the time, number one, they say things they don't mean or they can't. They can't. They can't express themselves fully to, like, how they really. Because they haven't took them the time. You're just reacting. You know what I mean?

[A]

You would be astounded at my conflict style. I Have I take notes so I don't miss anything?

[B]

You hit all the points.

[A]

Well, I don't want to, like, have this whole thing with you and then be like, oh, yeah, but that other thing that I didn't, like, talk about, you know? But anyway, that's neither here nor there. The other side of that, compartmentalization. Everything's good. But you go off and do a boys trip.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or, you know, whatever it is, how easy is it to, like, not go contact your person? Or do you think about them and, like, how does that happen?

[B]

I think if you're with somebody long enough or you really care about somebody, you can't really not think of them. They're always there right in your head somehow. So I don't think that's an issue about just having you on my mind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I don't think there's, like. It's like, I'm not, like, gonna go on a boys trip. All right, well, don't. Don't text me, because I'm on my boys trip. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think if you have a good dynamic, then it'll just be easy, you know, like, oh, hey, how was. How was your day? You know, just tap in at the end of the day, you know, let them do their thing, though. Because I've been with a girl, and they're, you know, going on a trip to Vegas, and I don't care. Like, I want you to have fun with your friends. I don't want you to think I'm sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, waiting for you to talk to me, because that I have stuff to do, you know, So I don't need that, but maybe the other person does. But they have to be understanding to where, like, hey, like, they're trying to have fun, you know, they just want to. It's not like it's a break from the relationship, but it's like, you know, they're with their boys. Let them chill with their boys, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's got to be understanding on both ends of it, because I would want my person to get the full experience and not be constantly thinking about, like, what I'm doing. Like, be pre. Be present with who you're with, where you're at, and enjoy yourself.

[A]

I think the. The question really is, do you think about her when not. Because we've already talked in and around this. That, like, you don't have to be contacting constantly in order to be thinking of that person. Yeah, you think about her while you're.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, not the entire day, Right? Like, say I'm. We're, like, playing golf.

[A]

But that's what it feels like to us, is that's where the question comes from.

[B]

They feel like there's.

[A]

If you're not contacting me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have not thought about me at all.

[B]

No, that's not the case.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I need to let that sink in because that's the way I think.

[B]

That's irrational thinking.

[A]

Okay, thank you. Tell me again.

[B]

That's irrational, Daniel.

[A]

Oh, okay. All right. Why does it feel like we have to drag words or answers out of men?

[B]

I think the reason why you have to drag them out is because they don't know how to express it themselves. Like, and that could be the same for a female. So I think it comes down to, like, the skill of communication. Everyone is born with the ability to talk, speak, but we're not all born with community. Communication is a skill that's developed and you have to practice. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if it feels like you're just, like, pulling tooth and nail trying to get this guy to tell you how he feels, you know, you gotta kind of put yourself in his shoes and be like, well, what has he been through in his life? Or how is his upbringing? Or was he ever in a space where he feels comfortable to do those things? Because if he's never had that experience, then how do you expect him to do it with you?

[A]

Okay, so what do we do? Because my mind goes. That's why we do the seasons thing. See how you're able to communicate with me over six months to a year. And at the point where we're, you know, getting to the point where we might be exclusive or whatever, have. Has it. Have I had experiences where you can't communicate with me? Because then we're like, people don't want to. People won't change unless they want to change. And what if he doesn't want to change? So he will never get better at communicating. But what you're saying is, has he ever had to do this and, like. Or has he ever felt safe to do this? So, like, what do we do?

[B]

That's really tough.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Yeah, that's a tough question. That's like a. That's like a. Like a therapist question. Yeah. Because I don't. I wouldn't know how to pull that out of another guy. I mean, from my. And from my standpoint, like. Like a friend. Right. So if I'm speaking to one of my clients, like, we have pretty intimate conversations at times. Right. And I try to create the space in the environment where it's. It's easier, you know, And I start by opening up myself and being, like, more vulnerable and, like, express or share something that's pretty deep, where they feel comfortable enough to share something about them. But it's be different when it's, like, in a relationship. Right. Because it's most likely the topic is not like, oh, like, how did your parents treat you? Or something. It's more of like, what is going on between us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. So I don't know. Be hard. I can't really give you a straight up. Straight up answer of how to do that.

[A]

That's okay. You can have that one.

[B]

Okay. We'll ch. We'll chop that one up.

[A]

Okay. All righty. What are your thoughts on the wave of men thinking women have to bring something to the table? And I want to be very clear on this. This isn't, in my opinion, like, anyone who's pursuing anyone, male to female, female to male, whoever, person to person. You have to be attracted to the person in that they are kind or they are interesting or they are like, this isn't just, like, show up and be lazy and do nothing. But I think the wave that's being referred to here is there's a lot of, like, really macho podcasts that men are like, what are you doing for me? Like, are you providing 50. 50. Are you, like, doing things that are more leaning male financially, financially, or like, I don't know, things that, like, I think there's a value in a woman that makes her valuable. Valuable without anything else, I think.

[B]

Well, there's. There's. I mean, it's. It's. It's just nature. Right. Women possess qualities, and they bring certain type of value to the. To the male, female, masculine, feminine dynamic that men cannot provide.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

And men have a certain skill set and value that women can't. And I think they have to be like, that balance is what makes a great partnership a great relationship. And so when they say, like, what do you bring to the table? And when I. What I expect bring to the table is like, I guess, you know, you've heard guys say, oh, I need you to be my peace. Right. I need you to bring me peace. Have you ever met peace?

[A]

I thought you meant, like, a puzzle.

[B]

No. Yeah, Peace. Yeah. Like peace.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So like, when they say, like, a woman walking in her feminine energy. Right. So support. Be there with me when I'm in mine. Like, I'm not at my best being caring, not Necessarily. Like, I would never expect a female to be like, oh, well, okay, well, I provide this X, so you have to match it type thing. I want you to provide what you're supposed to provide, in my eyes, which is more the traditional.

[A]

The feminine presence. Yeah, Yeah. I think that's so good. When you say peace, that just immediately reminds me of a woman in her feminine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the problem is, like, with this question, when it's asking the woman to step out of her feminine in order to, like, have that 50. It's never going to be 50. 50. Because we provide different things.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think they're looking at it as, like. I've heard people describe relationship as, like, treat it like a business in the sense of, like, if there's a partnership in a business and one person's doing all the work, then the business is going to fail. You need both sides to be. It's a partnership, equal, but not doing the same things. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think, like, your role is different in the business is what I'm trying to say.

[A]

Exactly. And I think when a man wants a woman to be his piece, he wants all of those feminine things, and he doesn't want her to, I don't know, step outside of that. That's not what he's asking for, but it's still providing something. You are giving him that element of a. Of a woman that he can't get anywhere else.

[B]

Right. That's. That's what you're bringing to the table.

[A]

Right.

[B]

In my eyes.

[A]

Which is the correct answer in my opinion, too.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Okay, let me pause because I'm gonna. Laptop's gonna die. We're almost done.

[B]

Okay. Questions. Right.

[A]

Secondary questions. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Why do men want to change the women they want to be with? I think that question is skewed, but yeah.

[B]

Because I think. I think women want to change men too. Right. Or they think they can.

[A]

Well, I would argue that men don't want to change women. They want to be with. They don't want to be with you. They want to be with a different version of you, you know, and that's the same thing. Female to male.

[B]

Yeah. What did I think? Yeah. I just think you're. You should not. Like we said before, you shouldn't. You shouldn't date someone for the potential of who they could be. And you just have to meet them where they're at currently.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And take it for what it is. And if that's not something that, you know, either parts are willing to do the work And. And to get to where you want it to be, then it's not really worth it. You know, you're right.

[A]

All right, this was a frequent question. Is it a big turn off if I live my faith out loud?

[B]

So this is not a personal question.

[A]

Or is it for me?

[B]

It pertains to you kind of.

[A]

So I have my own answer about that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If a guy is turned off by what is a core value of mine?

[B]

Yeah. Kick rocks.

[A]

Yeah. Like, how am I supposed to. And I tried. I tried dating someone who was not Christian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And didn't work out. And. Yeah. So I have my own opinions, but they want the male perspective.

[B]

I think that if that means so much to you, that's such a huge part of your life, and then you choose to try with somebody who's not that. I mean, I mean, you probably know from experience, probably not going to work out.

[A]

It's an incompatibility.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

So it's not that it's a turn off that you have your own thing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's that you're not compatible with this person.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And I'm slapping your little forehead. You are not compatible with this person. It doesn't mean that you are unattractive. Like, I think there's this like whole. I'm going to just be real. There's this whole thought in women's minds of like, oh, he's going to think that I'm just like a crazy Christian girl and like whatever or something. You are.

[B]

Yeah. But that to me. So a turn off is something that's negative. That's not negative. That's just not something that they resonate with.

[A]

Right, exactly.

[B]

So you got, you know, go Christian.

[A]

Imagine you're Italian and. Well, I guess that's getting a little like iffy. But like someone doesn't like Italians or whatever or something about you. I don't know, like it's the same.

[B]

Well, let me give you an example. I have a lot of customers that are like Afghani, so they're, you know, Muslim.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And Muslim is one of the most strict. Like as far as like marriage and dating goes, like it's unacceptable to date anyone outside of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because of how much things, like how many rules and things that they have to abide by. So it's just not. It's not going to work for them. And it's a cultural thing for them. So they're parents won't accept it either. So I mean, if it's probably not as it's light. Lighter and maybe I don't know. I've known people who are like, someone's Catholic and they marry somebody who's not, you know, but even Catholic is pretty intense too. Yeah, I guess, but it's just like, you know, you just got to see if the combat, like you said, it's.

[A]

A compatibility, not a turn off. It's an incompatibility. Okay. Getting nervous. All right. Nervous about my laptop dying, by the way. I'm gonna skip forward. My partner is insecure about being intimate. How can I make him feel more comfortable and at ease?

[B]

So intimate as talking about like physical intimacy or.

[A]

Yeah, or let's. Physical or. Or like emotionally emotional.

[B]

Yeah, I would say having more real conversations, you know, like bring up topics, not necessarily bring them as an ask them questions. Because you don't want to fire first.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And not set the stage. So if you set the stage is like, I'm going deep. Are you willing to go there with me? That's good, you know, because I've been in a, you know, relationship or dated somebody where that's, that's what fuels my fire. I love intimate, deep conversations. I like talking about life. I love hearing about.

[A]

That's why you love this.

[B]

Yeah. I love, I love hearing other people's perspective. I love trying to understand why do you think the way you think, you know, and what made you think that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And like I always. I'm such an open book. I love sharing my story because it helps me. It helps me kind of be at peace with my own life, you know, and I'm not ashamed of anything I've been through in my life. My story of, you know, my hardships, my adversities, my oppositions, like, I love talking about them because it's made me who I am. And so if I'm willing to do that with you, like, I would in order to have a true deep emotional connection, I need that back. So if I'm not getting that, then to me it's just, I can't.

[A]

I think there's something so valuable in what you said about a woman. Woman taking the lead on this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the emotional is the feminine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so this is one area that ladies like, we can really drive this. And it's so powerful because like, my first thought of this is like sitting down with your partner being like, tell me about your childhood. And that probably wouldn't make him feel super safe. And so what you just told me, which is revolutionary in my brain, is being like, hey, babe, like, I want to tell you something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like I want to share this with you so you can know a little bit more about me and you lead the way.

[B]

That's perfect.

[A]

Like, perfect. That's so good. I never thought about it that way.

[B]

Really? Because the thing is, you're right. Because if you don't. Because that is the. That is the feminine right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And not, I would say the vast majority of men aren't tapped into that. And like, but for me, like, I've done a lot of work with myself where I feel I'm comfortable going there. And I feel like the. The greatest parts of me, I've learned from my mother. She's taught me how to be empathetic and be caring and wear my heart on my sleeve. And I don't think a lot of men have that ability.

[A]

You know, I feel like there's a lot of girls that are gonna be like, can I date Dice?

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Okay. What about the physical intimacy part?

[B]

That one's tough because that would be. I feel like that's a self confidence. Yeah, that's a self confidence thing. So I would. The only thing I came up with was like. Because that would mean the guy's just like, yeah, he's just not confident. So I guess you try to give him confidence.

[A]

Yeah, but it's a self confidence thing.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

That's one of those things. It's like he's got to do it his on his own.

[B]

But I don't know how they do that. I think maybe like complimenting as like, kind of same thing, setting the stage. Be like, hey, I. I really liked it when you did this. Right. Or give him kind of like some kind of structure so he can have a game plan where he's not going in blind. Where like, oh, I'm nervous. I don't know what to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you kind of be like, this is what I. Not just like, I need you to do this, but like, I liked it when you did this. Like, or the other night when you kissed me or whatever. You know, it felt good. Like, I don't know some shit like that.

[A]

And I think too is like the self confidence thing is like a lot of intimate performance has to do with how people feel about themselves. And specifically with men, if they don't feel good about themselves, it's going to be like, even harder for things to happen. So I think, I do think that a person has to, like, do the self confidence thing themselves. But letting them know, like, you look good today, like, yeah, like, little things like that don't, like Patronize him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But like, oh, my gosh.

[B]

Yeah. Because that's the same thing is like, some women, too, even the most attractive women have a lot of insecurities. Right. And I've. I've came across before where it was like, start to get intimate and then they, like, shy away and I'm like, what's wrong?

[A]

They're like, I don't want you to see this.

[B]

Yes, exactly. I don't want you to see this. And. But I'm just like, you're freaking hot. Like, what are you talking about? You know, So I just try to reinforce and give them more like, dude, yeah, you're freaking hot.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just be straight up. You know what I mean?

[A]

We've got a whammy as next question. How can you tell if a man is mentally healed from his trauma?

[B]

Oh. If he's not afraid to address it?

[A]

Tell me more about that.

[B]

So, like, in my instance, right, like, what I said, like, I'm open book. I'm. I'm able to share it. And then I give. I give the context of, like, because of this is why I tend to do this. Right. So if he's just acting out and if he's just has all these things and you're like, why. Why is he being like that? Why is he treating. Why is he talking to me like that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're trying to figure out why. And if he. He can't, like, be open and talk about it, then he's obviously hasn't. He hasn't dug deep to figure that out within himself. Right?

[A]

Yeah. And taking responsibility for your triggers and your past and things like that, or.

[B]

Like, making you aware of it, like, hey, like, when you did this the other day, it made me feel like. Like that. You know what I mean? So. And then he could say, like, that's just something that really bothers me. And, you know, if we were going to be in a relationship, I just, I would like you to not do that or something like, I don't know, for example, you know, setting that boundary. But that's just emotional intelligence. That's, you know, that's something that again, has to be worked on within themselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, I mean, if he's just blatantly doing things or acting a certain way that you don't like, and then you go to talk about it and then he's just making an excuse. That's just how I am. That's just how I am. Because I used to say that, you know? You know, and to me now, now that I've realized that, like, that I've hurt people's feelings and use the excuse. That's just how I am. To me, that's the most weakest excuse in the book.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because if that's. You just. You want to be an asshole or, you know, butthole. You want to be a bad guy.

[A]

Jerk.

[B]

Jerk. Yeah. You want to be a. Do you want to be a jerk off? Then you're identifying as such. Right. And I had to come to terms with, like, who. Who am I? Who do I. Who do I believe that Dice is. I'm a caring person. I'm loving, like. And if I say that about myself, I have to act and conduct myself in that way all the time.

[A]

Behavior has to be in line.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It has to be in congruence all the time. You can't pick and choose when you're going to be a nice person. You gotta be kind all the time to everybody.

[A]

And so how you know is if he's able to emotionally or communicate with an emotional intelligence and acknowledge those things. And acknowledge those things. That's good. Okay, we'll end on a light one, and then my laptop will die. Let me save. Okay. All right. I think we're back. My laptop is about to die, so we're just operating blind with audio.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is there one more?

[A]

There's one more. Why do guys make more time for their bros over their girls?

[B]

Feels so weird saying you think all the time.

[A]

I think this is a very specific question from maybe someone who hasn't been treated well.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. Because I have friends that spend all the time with their girls and no time with the bros. Yeah.

[A]

So would we say that that's an indicator of, like, maybe that's not the person for you?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, this person could be already deep into a relationship or just starting. Right. If it's just starting and he's kicking it with his homies and not making time for you, then you're probably not just not that important.

[A]

Yeah. And I would say your focus shouldn't be on him if it's not on you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And if you're deep into the relationship and he's showing you what he wants or how valuable you are to him and it's not very valuable, then unfortunately and from experience, I'm telling you this. When need to decide if that's good enough for you and the fact that you're hurting this way, it's not good enough for you. So there's that. I think that's all my questions. But you said you have questions for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I'm excited.

[B]

I wanted to.

[A]

And I get to do these blind.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I'm excited.

[B]

No context. She has no.

[A]

I have no context. But I am so ready.

[B]

It's just a couple that I was like, you know what I think, because I'm curious for. Just based off, you know, our friendship and knowing you for so long and then the person you've grown to now and the life you live. It's interesting.

[A]

Are these questions about me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Oh. Both from female perspective and.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

Maybe one. One personal. So the personal one would be, has pursuing in like being an influencer affected your dating life?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How so?

[A]

So many ways. The first is the first gate. So like, and I say gate, like gate G A T E where it's not normal what I'm doing. And. And I know that very well. But like, for example, on Hinge, a very common question is, what's your Instagram? And my response up into this point has been, I have one, but I don't share it because I have a following and you could really easily get to know me. And I want you to do that the old fashioned way. So that presents challenges. People don't really know what to do with that. The other part of it is I had an experience where I was with someone and they couldn't handle it. Like, it made them so anxious. Like, and I don't really understand. Like, I think I didn't. I wanted to highlight my life, which if I'm into you and you're mine and I'm yours, like, you're part of my life. But I think what I realized is, like, and some of my favorite influencers, they're married, but they show very little of their husbands. Because me wanting to do this and me knowing this is my purpose doesn't mean it's yours. So I've had a situation where it makes people anxious. The other thing is my ego had to completely die because they will find out what my name is. They will be able to look me up. And I post things at all. Like, you know how girls can somehow sometimes like. Or most times post just the highlight post the best pictures, post like, you look so good, right?

[B]

You. That's everything.

[A]

Not what I do.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And so it's. I almost feel like people meet me and they're like, oh, you're like more attractive than I thought because of the variety of how I appear online.

[B]

And they told you that or.

[A]

No, this is a perception.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. But I think that my ego really had to die in that, like, people can, at a certain point, see things that they would only see after being in a relationship with someone for a very long time. Because my spiel is vulnerability.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So you're gonna see me without makeup on. You're gonna see me with a full sty. You're gonna see me when I'm sick.

[B]

Like, so it's like they're getting the expedited version.

[A]

Yeah. And I tried to hide that at first, but I was like, you know what? Like, my guy is gonna. The guy that is really, for me is gonna be like, I think what you're doing is so cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like. And I used to be okay with. I don't get it. But I love that you love it. That's not good enough for me anymore. Like, I need you to respect the Hustle, and I need you to respect, like, this is a big deal. You know what I mean? And I feel like I'm living my purpose. And if that intimidates you or if that. If you don't understand it or at least respect it, I can't be. Yeah. So in every way, it's affected by dating life.

[B]

Okay. So I think a follow up question with that being. It sounds like it's become somewhat of, like a difficulty. Right. Or hindrance. Right. Does that ever make you question whether you want to continue?

[A]

No. But I have had moments of weakness where I'm like, maybe I just. I won't post that because I want. I don't want him to see it. That's dumb. Yeah, that's dumb.

[B]

You snap out of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Immediately or it takes a little bit?

[A]

I don't know. I think it depends. Yeah, it's been both. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I'd like to just say you're a very impressive woman.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yes, very impressive.

[A]

Thanks. I said that on the ending of the last episode is like, Dice respects the Hustle. He, like, absolutely is someone who sees. Appreciates someone who's walking in purpose or pursuing passion. And not everyone is like that. People are okay going through the motions of life and just doing what is.

[B]

And just taking life as it hits them. You know, I. I respect the person that is willing to be vulnerable, put themselves out there, pursue something they're passionate about. Like, be creative. And, like, if you have the courage to put that out to the world, like, that's a sign of strength to me.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I respect you a lot in that.

[A]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[B]

Okay, next question. So we talked about the male pursuit. Describe what you see as a proper pursuit from a female perspective. Like, what would you want to see personally? Yeah.

[A]

Because I think I'm a little bit extra.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. What I would love is I need to feel like I'm a priority in your life. And so let's say you have, like, a 9 to 5 or whatever. I would love to know that I'm one of your thoughts in the morning. So, like, typically, you'll probably wake up before me because my schedule is flexible, so I'd love to see your name on my phone. Like, because to me, like, what we talked about, it might be irrational, but if I don't see that, then I'm like, you're not thinking about me. Okay, so. And then I would love to, like, the hard part is that, like, I just want to be with you every day. So. But pursuit, I guess I don't want to ever wonder, like, how you feel about me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Or if I don't want to wonder if you're interested in me. And then after I know you're interested, I don't ever want to wonder how you feel about me. So that could look differently. And I think if you. If someone loves you in a certain way, like, it creates a form of. Oh, my gosh, she's so cute. Yeah, that's a good girl. Yeah. You need some love. Oh, I love her so much. Dice's dog, Zula.

[B]

You want to say something?

[A]

Say something to the people. How do you feel? Pursued. Zula. So let's say we're not getting together every day. I would love, like, a phone call.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like, and the other thing that I've realized is important is I don't ever want to question, like, if I'm gonna see you again or when I'm gonna see you again. And I don't want to be the one to, like, ask you on dates. So. Ever once we get into a point where we're, like, doing the thing. Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's where, like, my shift happens, where I'm like, I do a lot. I do a lot for, like, the person that I'm with. But, like, in the courting stays stage and in the pursuit stage, I've been in situations where it's like, okay, a week has gone by, two weeks has gone by, and then I'm like, are. Hello. Are we, like, going out again? Are we not? And then I. I feel icky being, like, asking that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what's really hot to me, very attractive, is a man who, on the date that we're on plans the next date.

[B]

Dang.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's next level.

[A]

I've had that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you know what? I think it's good, like, because then there's no confusion, right? So I guess that's the pursuit. And then I've realized today, something I was thinking about is like, dang, like, if I find someone who's like me in terms of how we love, the things that I think are going above and beyond, like, I'll cook a meal for you or like, I'll see something and I'll like, I. I will fulfill every love language because I just want to love you hard. And I thought about it today and pretty much my entire life I've been like, maybe that's just me. And like, I won't find someone like that. But like, I think that someone who pursues me in the way that they know I like being loved, even if it's not their love language, which has been a problem in the past.

[B]

That's. It's difficult because I've come into the same situation where I guess the way I give love didn't match the way she did. And she saw it as if I'm not doing it the way she wants it. It's like, it's not enough. It's not good enough, basically.

[A]

Well, and it's true. Because if. Same thing for you. If, let's say, let's just pull out gifts. If you only receive love and gifts and you know, like anything else, but I will refuse to give you a gift.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How are you gonna feel loved?

[B]

Right.

[A]

What are your love languages?

[B]

Maybe? Me. Yeah, I like what is it again? So there's name them.

[A]

Mine are my number one.

[B]

Quality time.

[A]

Quality time and physical touch.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation.

[B]

I would say acts of service and quality time. I'm not a big gift person.

[A]

Yeah. I think that's the one that the least amount of people are.

[B]

I mean, it's funny when you, when you. Some people or like if you go on dating sites and stuff, some girls are straight up, like, that's what they want, you know?

[A]

Well, or they.

[B]

Have you seen some girls write princess treatment as like what they expect? If I see that, if I see a girl writes princess treatment to me, that's like, boom, red flag.

[A]

Red flag.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So I want that, but I'm not gonna like. I think there's a difference between, I don't know, like coming forward. There is like kind of a thing of like there might be a gold digging thing Happening with the whole princess treatment thing and just. And that makes the other person feel used kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think there's kind of a. A lot of semi toxic culture around, like, what you can get a man to do for you kind of thing. But yeah, I think I say here on my microphone, I think I've been in the situation where, like, he could not love me the way that I needed to be loved.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the fact that he wouldn't do it was an indicator that it wasn't going to work and he wasn't the right person for me.

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

So I don't remember what the original question was.

[B]

I think you hit it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So another sort of random one. What's a major turn off for women that you see on online dating?

[A]

Well, I have parameters on like, if I see something on a profile.

[B]

Yeah. What's like an instant. No.

[A]

Okay. You ready?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Shirt off. Out of context.

[B]

What about me? I was running a marathon.

[A]

That's in context.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I'm saying if you were going.

[B]

You're just posing. What if you're in the, like posing in the mirror.

[A]

That's the thing.

[B]

Yeah. That's dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So for the flip side, if you're asked or. Sorry, your. Your butts out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're wearing like bikini or something. That's your profile picture. To me, that's what you're. The first thing I see is what I feel like you think your highest asset is and that's what you're trying to use to grab attention.

[A]

Yeah. I agree. I understand the wanting to show, like, what you look like. Like to show like the man or the woman. Am I attracted to this person? But it's the same sort of feeling. And the girl in the bikini, as long as it's in context.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I had a bikini picture. I took it off because it got out of control. But, like, it's just. Because there's just like, I feel like the brain turns off at that point.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they. So I'm like, I want someone who, like, actually, like, I have pictures where you can see what I look like, my body. But I'm not showing you that because I don't want you to make the decision of like, I think she's like, super hot.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, I have more.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If he has any kind of Snapchat filter on any of his pictures.

[B]

A guy, they do that. Wow.

[A]

Because to me, that says that you're not confident enough. And I would argue the same thing for men should be Applied if. If women are only posting pictures 100 with filters.

[B]

Mine are like the same as you, but it's just flipped.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you of all your pictures are filtered, I'm like, what are you in real life?

[A]

Yeah. You know, if you say anything about wanting to compete with me, you're out. Like, or something. Like really?

[B]

That's like immediate confrontation.

[A]

You're like, well, I don't want to compete with you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like you're supposed to be my man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you. I keep saying hunt, but you go hunt and I will gather.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we will cook dinner. Yes. I don't want to. Like, this isn't like a potato sack race.

[B]

You know.

[A]

If he says anything mean or like derogatory or like bad taste in this thing. Like there's even like little things. Like if you're not reading one book a month, we're not on the same page.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like it's just mean. Like, yeah. Maybe someone doesn't like, oh, you're not.

[B]

As smart as me. You got my level or something.

[A]

Yeah, my level.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what other turn offs are there?

[B]

I think we shared one at the gym. For me, at least if your first picture is you're holding a drink in your hand.

[A]

Oh yeah, I don't like that. I have another one that's similar. On my profile. I talk about face if you're marked as Christian and I don't know why dice? But when they mark it as Christian, they always use the prompt. Typical Sunday and nowhere in it do they say anything about church. Like, what are you talking about?

[B]

Beers with the boys?

[A]

Yeah. No, it's like, yeah, beers and brews and golf and then relaxing and resetting for the week. And I'm like, where's Jesus?

[B]

Yeah, where's Jesus? That makes sense. That makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. Let's see, what else?

[B]

Okay, give me two more.

[A]

Two more. Should I just open my hand?

[B]

That would be funny if one day we just like switch and then we look. Because I could see it from the other side. So like a whole another.

[A]

I think I want to because then I'll see everything I'm competing with and I don't need that. Cuz I have a feeling like I'm like the nice girl. Like I don't think.

[B]

Yeah. But then it's just depends on what the guy's looking for. So like my whole perception has changed. I'm like, I don't. Just because the girl's hot doesn't necessarily mean I will try to match anymore before it's like I said it comes with the intention. Right. Is your intention you just want to potential hookup or are you looking for somebody who has the qualities of a person you want to potentially date and marry? Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So for me, now I'm actually like, reading and like, looking, you know, like diving deep. Diving deep, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, okay, let's just flip and now we'll say. What is green flags? Something that you like. Oh, that's positive. I like that.

[A]

I need to see you smiling in your picture. That's another one. So, Paul, positive, negative. If not one of your pictures is smiling. Yeah, I like. I don't know what your mouth looks like. And also, like, do you smile?

[B]

Are you happy?

[A]

Are you happy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You okay?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I obviously like to see if you mark yourself as Christian, which hinge is interesting because I think there's a loophole, which I don't know if I should disclose, but basically, like, if I marked a deal breaker as Christian. But I think if you don't market, you can get through, like, if you leave it blank. So. But green flag is like, if he's marked as Christian and he actually mentioned something about it. I like to see, like, pictures with friends. So I know he's like, social.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like to see a hobby. I don't like fish. Like, I don't want to see you holding a fish.

[B]

Oh, killing animals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hunting. Hunting is.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Not for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm sure there's girls that are like, yeah, hunting, great.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But no, I don't need to see a, like, dead reindeer or. What are they called with the horns? Antlers.

[B]

A buck.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It just. It makes my stomach turn.

[B]

Yeah. Different kind of girl.

[A]

Yeah. Green flag. Oh, also this might be controversial, especially for you, because you are the exception.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If you mark yourself as an entrepreneur. Pass.

[B]

I. I don't.

[A]

Okay, that's.

[B]

I say barber because that's what I am.

[A]

Great. But you have your. But you have your own business. Like, you are an entrepreneur. But, like, I have found that, like.

[B]

Entrepreneur is like, it's a watered down statement nowadays.

[A]

It's watered down, but, like, more often than not, you are not successful and you have a mindset that you're an entrepreneur, but you haven't done anything about it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I. Green flag. Yeah.

[B]

So would the women like to know what I look for?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Green flags.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Green flag for me is, I think, because you can show your beauty in many ways. Right. So if it's not just your body, like, I'm a sucker for, like, beautiful face, you know, so nice smile, like, pictures. You're close up. I don't like when there's, like, you're, like, far away and you're, like, posing by the pyramid or something, and you can't even see. You know what I mean?

[A]

I went to the pyramid.

[B]

Yeah. Like, all your pictures are, like, super far away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm, like, zooming in. Like, I don't even know what you look like.

[A]

Seen A League of Their Own?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Oh, well, basically it's like a women's baseball league, and it's.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And there's the one that's not attractive. And they have their, like, little cameos where they're all super cute. And then there's the one that's not attractive. They put her weight in the mouth. What a looker.

[B]

Right, Right. Yeah. So I like, you know, things that you can clearly see. I like to see something that you take interest in, you know, hobby, like you actively doing something, whether it's a sport or you're, you know, part of a club or, like, if church is your thing, whatever. So something you're passionate about, like, display it. I like girls that have good fashion, so if you dress nice, you don't have to, like, look hot necessarily. But if I think your fit is fresh, I'm like, dang, that's. That's clean. I respect that. I like that. So those are pretty much the things I look for.

[A]

Anything else? What about age range? What's your opinion on, like, how young or old both men and women should go up or down?

[B]

I've changed mine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Just based off of personal experience. I've dated younger girls in the past, and just the mindset is not right. It's the same. I think it has to do with life experience.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm not saying that. Not saying, like, you're on my level, but I think if you haven't experienced enough life or been, like, when you go through things and you've had. You've been through hardships, you've been through adversities, it kind of shapes and molds the way you look at life and. And whether you're have that perspective or not, and if they don't have that, it's hard to relate sometimes. So I've had, like, relationships where I don't get that type of mental stimulation or those deep conversations.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. And maybe just like a maturity thing too. You know, the way they handle confrontation, the way they handle conflict. You know, if I need you to be able to have a mature conversation and not let your emotions get the best of you and flip out, you know, over the littlest things. So for me, my age range has jumped up, you know, too what now I go on the low end, 27, high end, 35, 38, something like that.

[A]

Yeah. Something you said about, you know, life experience and stuff. I had this thought and I'm going to make a video on it so none of you steal it. Okay. But like if you think about the time that you started making decisions as an adult, it's 18, typically somewhere around there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you're fully on your own. And so if you think about like the years from that point, like you and I are 12, 13 year old adults, but like if you're dating a 22 year old, they're a 4 year old adult.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

So it's like a 4 year old and a 13 year old are not going to reason the same way.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if they went, depending on what they. Because to me also I don't try to judge people on age because I matured really fast and that was just based on what I've had to go through.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But for some people, like say they went straight into college. So you went from school to another school and now you're graduated from school and you're like 22, 23, you haven't even stepped into real life yet. You've had no responsibilities, even no accountability for anything but schoolwork. And then you're, if you're dealing with, say you're dating someone who's, you know, been working and supporting themselves and has been, you know, living their adult life for six, seven, eight years, your perspective on life is completely different. So I mean, I think it's good not to judge, but at the same time be realistic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And yeah, just give yourself a little play on both sides.

[A]

We've talked about this before, but I struggle now because like when I got with the last person I was with, I was like, I'm not dating anyone below 30, like 30 to 40. And my last relationship was 35. But now I'm realizing that, I don't know, it's, it's a negative mindset to be in. But like I'm like if you're too young, you haven't had, maybe you're not grown up all the way, but if you're too old, maybe there's a reason that you're still single or you have baggage, you have. You know what I mean?

[B]

It's true.

[A]

So I, I don't don't know. So I think the range is good. I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just on a case by case basis.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a good way to put it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think we could wrap it up.

[A]

Oh, that was all your questions?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Well, thanks guys for joining us. I think I'm gonna split this episode into two, but that was really fun.

[B]

And I appreciate you thinking of me and giving me the opportunity to. To speak. Like I told you earlier, I'm a big podcast guy, so being on a my first podcast.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Super cool.

[A]

I'm honored.

[B]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[A]

Yay. Okay, bye guys. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. By.