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Imagine what's possible when learning doesn't get in the way of life. At Capella University, our game changing flexpath learning format lets you set your own deadline so you can learn at a time and pace that works for you. It's an education you can tailor to your schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to pursue your professional goals. Instead, enjoy learning your way and earn your degree without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella. Edu.
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Hello and welcome to who is she? A podcast. Sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hey guys. I love you so much for still being here. I gotta be honest, I have found it difficult to put out a podcast episode every week, which is why it's been three weeks since you've gotten an episode. And I think it's so kind. And I'm so touched by people reaching out to me all, all the time, saying how much they love the podcast and how much it blesses them. My friends are even. I have a good friend who is like, I've been waiting for your next episode. I love listening to them and it's just so special to me. It's every time you guys tell me how what I'm doing with all of this affects you and grows you or challenges you or makes you think, think differently or gives you a little bit of peace of mind, it really just like, reassures me on the path of purpose that I'm on. And that's such a gift. So I appreciate you still being here. I'm gonna figure out what works for me when it comes to recording. I'm not gonna say that I'm never gonna go back to a weekly podcast, but I think to make it manageable, I think I might do bi weekly. That is, unless I start to bring on guests. Because I absolutely love that. I love. I love interviewing and I think I'm pretty good at it, so that may be something I do. I don't want to just invite random people on, though. Like, I want them to be people I actually know. I'm a bit uncomfortable as it is right now with bringing on. Just, I guess, figures more on the technical side because when I'm recording. And here's the other thing. I'm just gonna be real with you guys. I have been so scared to do video podcasting. Not because obviously I'm not afraid to be on video, you guys know that. But what it is is I'm kind of afraid of the next evolution of my content where it's just the next level. Like, long form video content is a beast. And I'm a little bit nervous about it. So so far I've been just avoiding it. But I know that for the next generation of what I'm trying to do with this, I need to, like, put on my big girl pants and just get over it. With that being said, though, I don't like the idea of doing a podcast not in person. And if it's in person, I want to make sure that I'm comfortable recording it. So we would be on it, like either at my house or the guest's house or place of business or whatever. And I'm not just gonna invite some random person over to my house, you know what I'm saying? So there's just some things to think about. But I absolutely love interviewing people. That's why I had my friend Noelle on some for some of the earlier episodes, talking about lots of things, building a business from scratch, self esteem, mental health, all that kind of stuff. And then also bringing my friend Dice on who so graciously provided the male perspective on things. I wish I knew about Man. Men from a man. And I loved it. I loved every second of brainstorming for those episodes, creating content for those episodes, interviewing, speaking with them. All of it so interesting, lights me up. But I just, I don't want to. I don't want to. It needs to be done the right way, you know what I'm saying? So we're going to get there. We're just not there yet. So this is me being super vulnerable with you guys. And this is a good example of me, I guess, leading by example in saying that, like, I know that I'm not up to par to quite yet with where I want to be, but I'm still putting effort into at least do something. So if you feel like, you know, oh, wouldn't it be cool to start a business? Or wouldn't it be cool to start that Instagram account and just go all in, or wouldn't it be cool to start a podcast or whatever it is, just know that doing something is better than nothing. Okay. All right, Updates. I. The last time I saw you was right before. Last time I saw you Last time I spoke with you was right before I gave the foster puppies back, I believe. And that was a. That was a whole experience, I think. Oh, there's so much here. I think that part of the reason it's been difficult for me to get episodes out is because I've also gone through quite a roller coaster over the last. What month is it? Almost two months. So being quite honest with you, in the beginning, ish. Mid March, something happened that I was really disappointed with. And right at the same time, I took those foster puppies, which were such a blessing, but so much work. So I kind of. I don't want to say I went into a depressive streak, but my life was, like, fully booked in basically chores, like cleaning up after these puppies who constantly were going potty everywhere and needed attention, need to be fed and like, all this stuff. And also dealing with some emotional letdown and some just disappointment. That's the best word, is just really disappointed with. I'll just say it with a dating situation. And I want to say that I am proud of myself because I. I feel like it was one of the first times that I showed up for myself in stopping something that when I see it wasn't for me or not fully for me, I was like, okay. And I just, like, walked. But there's an emotional side to that, and it was really, really disappointing because I was hopeful and. And if you're out there listening to this and you feel the same way and you just got your hopes let up, I'm right there with you. And I think for the last month and a half or so, I've just been recovering from that. And then I had so much work with those puppies that I kind of lost myself for a minute. It was almost like, I imagine, like. And moms, if you're a mom, don't get mad at me here. I'm not comparing it to exactly your experience, but I imagine it's a version, maybe a portion of what it would be like to have like, a newborn baby is just like, you're so focused on something that everything else gets put second. And so that's kind of what I experienced for the last month, is I really wasn't working out. I was eating not great, just eating what I could, basically ordering in a lot, eating out a lot, never really cooking, and wasn't really prioritizing things that are disciplined that end up making you feel good that you might not want to do, especially if you feel depressed. So, you know, things like stimulating your mind and reading and, or getting in the word or what else? Working out or getting outside and being in the sun or walking like everything pretty much fell to the wayside. And I wasn't in a hole. I don't want you to think that, but it just wasn't my normal self. And I was driving home today and I was like, dang, I feel good. And I knew exactly why. It's because for the last like two weeks or so, since I've started this journey to heal my skin and my, my gut and hormones and all of that, I've been really on it with all of the discipline things. I've been working out almost every day. I've been getting outside with Charlie almost every day. I'm almost exclusively cooking at home. I've cut out most of my processed foods. I have, you know, I've had a couple Red Bulls in the last week for different events and such. But, you know, I've been pretty good with my food and I'm just really taking care of myself. So I feel like I'm like on the other side. But that also might lend itself all that to say, okay, I'm giving you all my life updates. All that to say that I think that all also might lend itself to me having trouble getting out hour long episodes of this podcast. I still love it so much and I'm really, really excited for today's topic. Today we will be talking about limerence and more specifically dating while having limerent tendencies. Dating while having limerent tendencies. So some of you might be like, what is this? And some of you might be here because you see like an Instagram what? I always forget the word. It's not marketing promo. I do, I think I do a pretty good job of promoing this podcast. When I put episodes out, I do those little audio clips, put some video behind it and throw it up. And I get a lot of like, if you're pursuing podcasting, that is a necessary part of it. You abs, you cannot just put out podcast podcast episodes. You have to get on platforms that push your content to people who do not follow you. So Instagram Reels and TikTok and so you may be here off of that. I get people who have no idea who I am and don't follow me and stumble upon one of my promo reels for this podcast and are interested in the topic and then you land on this episode. So we're all going to learn about it together. Limerence and my experience with that. Dating while being a person who experiences limerence. And yeah, let's let's just jump in. The first thing I want to say is if you want more information on this, there are so many resources online. Literally just Google limerence or limerent tendencies, anxious avoidance and. Or, I'm sorry, anxious attachment and limerence. And Google's gonna like, do the Google thing. Okay. So I just did a couple of searches and compiled all the information into one document that we can review together today. So the first thing we're going to cover is what is limerence? And limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. The experience of limerence is different than love or lust in that it is based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the limerent object, also desires you. So that was a lot. Let's break that down. Oh, I can't catch my breath. So the first part, limerence, is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. I think what's important about this statement, and I identify so much with this, is involuntary when I have fallen into what I. I don't know if this is the correct verbiage for it, but I just call it falling in limerence, like falling in love. When I fall into limerence with someone, it's like, it's not that I'm trying to think of them. It's actually quite the opposite. I can't stop, and it's so frustrating. It's an act for me to actively stop thinking about someone. It's. It requires such mental discipline when I fall into this habit and this. This mental state, really. Okay, next part. The experience of limerence is different than love or lust in that it's based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the limerent object, also desires you. So this whole thing is based on uncertainty. It's like the excitement of possibility triggers this and it actually anchors it. So it's going to make more sense when we dive deeper into the process of limerence. But I just think it's interesting that it's a. If you're trying to understand what this is, and maybe you don't fall into the bucket of someone who has limerent tendencies from a neurological perspective, just know that it's different than being in love or having lust for someone. It's. It's separated. It's its own thing. Okay, next part. Limerence typically includes intrusive, melancholic, melancholic thoughts or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection, as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have the one's feelings Reciprocated again, that was a lot. So kind of like my description of this. It includes intrusive thoughts, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the limit object's affection, as well as just wanting to create and maintain a continuous relationship of some sort with the object to have the feelings reciprocated. I don't even know if I can break that down. Even simpler. That's just. It is what it is. Next point I put down is intrusive thinking about your limerent object, often in the form of compulsive daydreaming and replaying memories with the limerent object. Acute longing for reciprocation. So in limerence, the concept of limerence, there is a limerent, which would be me in the situation, and a limerent object, which is the person that you're interested in dating, have a crush on, whatever it is. And so intrusive thinking. So these thoughts come in without your consent. Basically, like I've been describing in the form of compulsive daydreaming. I'm not kidding. I tell my friends this. I just tell you guys everything. Okay, I'm just gonna. I just figure that people who aren't really super interested in me. When I say people, I mean men, aren't going to be listening this far into my podcast episodes because if they did, they would really know everything. But when I tell you, the compulsive daydreaming is so real, when I start to like someone, date someone, whatever, it will go. So as far as, like, me imagining their last name behind mine pretty quickly, like, what does that sound like? Like, what would our life be like? You know, what would our wedding be like? It. It's like it happens. And I cannot tell you that not everyone experiences this. I thought that I was normal. I am not. Well, I want to rephrase that. This is not everyone's experience. And I have friends, praise God, that are quite the opposite. So when I say things like this, they're like, danielle, Danielle, come on. And. And I'm. I feel so grateful that they're there because they're such good anchors to, like, snap me back into reality, which is going to be something we talk about later, but the compulsive daydreaming. So if you're kind of in that boat, too, of what I've described, it's. That's a component of it. Replaying memories with the limerent object. So you want to relive the good experiences or the, like, interactions that you had with that person. I think in My research, it also said, like breaking down minor interactions with that person to try to find hidden meanings and with the overall goal of wanting that reciprocation, you those things, the daydreaming, replaying memories are your limerence trying to get your brain to find proof in this uncertainty that this person is reciprocating your feelings. So other components, idealization of the limerent object, AKA thinking they're quote, perfect. And I feel like this comes into play when we'll get into this more later. But like ignoring red flags and taking negative qualities about them and then somehow spinning it positively. There were things about people I've dated. I'm not going to get specific because I'm not. I just won't. But there are things about people that I've dated that I spun. They were red flags that I spun to the positive because you can always find something positive and that is a good outlook, I think in life, but not when you're turning your back on yourself for the sake of permitting someone else's red flags. So I've definitely done that. Constantly being reminded of the limerent object by places, people, objects and situations. So you know when your friend is like crushing on someone or just starting to date someone and they just cannot have a conversation without bringing them up. Like, oh yeah, when me and Jake were talking about or oh yeah, when me and Jake went to the beach or oh, Jake really loves sushi. Like it's kind of that. That's an example of them constantly being reminded. The reason they're saying that? Well, two. Two reasons they are constantly reminded of their limited objects. So it's going on, it's like flashing in their brains. They have basically a big like neon sign with Jake's name in their brain going off on at all times and trying to figure out how to get his name in the conversation. And the other thing too, I think is something I noticed with my own patterns in the past is an extension of what we just talked about, which is when someone is constantly bringing, being reminded and bringing that person up in conversation with their friends, that's another way that their brain is trying to get reassurance from their friends to be like, oh, he really likes you or oh, what's up with Jake? What's the update? Because it triggers our brains to get excited about it. This situation that still has uncertainty and the uncertainty is what's driving the limerence in the first place. So it's a whole thing. And I want to say number one, if you are, if you identify as limerent, so Do I? So we can have a little club, you and me. And part of our club is going to be how we live with our limerence and how we discipline our brains a little bit to not fall so deeply. And if you're not identifying with this, I think it's still valuable to listen to because I can guarantee you, you've got a girlfriend that is. And limerence isn't just for single people, just to call that out. It's where I'm coming from, from my experience, because I am single. But this is just a human. I don't want to. I don't know how to classify this mental condition that can happen at any stage in life. I mean, I found an article online that was talking about limerence for people who are married, specifically around cheating and what limerence can do to marriages. Basically, someone who's married being falling in limerence with someone outside their marriage. So this is something that is prevalent regardless of your relational status. Okay, all right, next, who can experience limerence? Anyone can experience limerence. However, those who have encountered trauma or certain developmental issues specifically in childhood may especially be prone to the state of infatuation. On the other hand, those who are simply exhausted or drained from a lack of sleep or stimulation may also experience limerence. So nobody's off limits. Okay. Now it's interesting because I don't think that I necessarily experienced trauma as a child, But I still 100% have tendencies towards limerence. So I don't really know for certain where the extent of this comes from, but I know that I have it. Okay, so the duration of limerence, this is important to note because this is almost like a, I don't want to say state of mind, but this period of time where you're in this process with your brain is three to 36 months. So three months, all the way up to three years. And I found a couple different breakdowns of the stages. Most fall under the first bracket of stages. And then I found I think one, maybe two articles with the second breakdown, but they're basically the same thing. So some literature breaks down limerence into phase one, which is attraction. Phase two, obsession. Phase three, elation and despair. And phase four, resolution or transformation. So pretty self explanatory. But phase one, attraction. You are like, oh my goodness, who's this person? And then you get interested. Phase two is obsession. So you just constantly thinking about that person, playing scenarios in your mind, replaying interactions, that kind of thing. Stage three, elation and despair. So part of this is that like, and in the literature that when you Google this, it will say, part of limerence is that your mood, how good your day is going, is solely based on how that person is or isn't interacting with you. So I've been in limerence with someone that I. Well, okay, let's be honest here. Every relationship I've been in, I have been in limerence. And what that means is if I'm not getting the attention or communication that I would want, my whole day is ruined. And here's the difference is like, we need to be careful because I don't think we're ever asking for too much. And I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that if I had a choice, which this is the direction we're going, I would choose to not have someone not showing up for me completely ruin the rest of my life that day. You know what I mean? It. What's the word incapacitates you? Is that a word? It makes it so that any work that you need to get done, it's like, I. I just can't. Everything is blah. And then that person texts you or calls you or shows up and it just like. And then you. And then it's like, oh, everything's great. I love life. And that's the roller coaster. And that's why this is so terrible and exhausting, is that it's anchored based on someone else's behavior towards you. So that's the elation and despair phase. And then the next phase, phase four is resolution or transformation. So what the literature says is that this doesn't last forever conclusively. So it's anywhere from three months to 36 months. So there's going, it's going to have an endpoint, praise God. But the problem is if you continue to get into limerence cycles your entire life, then that's what we're talking about here. So it will either resolve, meaning you will move on, or maybe. Yeah, I think resolution just lends itself to say you'll move on. And then transformation is the component where either you enter an actual relationship or the relationship transforms to something else. Um, but one way or another, this is going to end this. Not the interaction with the person, but the mental state behind the way that you relate to the other person. So that was the first set of stages. The other articles far less described it in these three stages. Number one, attachment, infatuation. So you are same thing, finding someone you're attracted to, interested in, attaching yourself to them mentally, emotionally, and become infatuated. Step two is crystallization. So I believe this is when you start trying to, like, write a story in your head of, like, what could happen and, like, the daydreaming and intrusive thoughts and all that kind of stuff, like hearing the last name behind yours and visualizing a life that isn't reality, all of that. And then stage three they described as deterioration. So kind of following along the same lines. All right, now that we've broken down what limerence is and how long it lasts and what the stages are, want to talk about my experience with limerence? Give you some stories and information, my background, all of that. Just basically telling you everything, as I always do. So the first thing I want to talk about is early childhood. So, like we talked about before, I don't think that there was anything super traumatic in my childhood, thank God. But I do. I have done some work on myself in the last year to realize that both my parents worked. And so the physical presence of my parents wasn't probably what I would have chosen as an adult for baby Danielle. Basically, my parents both worked. And what can you do? Because, you know, this is such a tale as old as time. Like, especially in the Bay Area, both my parents had to work. So my mom and dad would go to work from. I mean, the routine in our house was get up like 6:37 or something early in the morning. I do remember my dad. I liked when my dad woke me up because he would wake me up and he would carry me from my bed to. There was like a little armrest chair thing in his room, or not his room. It was a. It was like our spare bedroom that was right next to mine. And he would just know as a small kid, maybe three, he would just hold me until I woke up. And I just loved. I loved that. That's something I still remember. Oh, I love my dad a lot. God, I could literally just talk about my dad and just, like, weep. And then I weep about the people who didn't have a good dad. Yeah, this is not what this podcast is about. All right. And then I didn't really like it when my mom woke me up because she would say, it's such a funny thing now. But she'd be like, danielle, wake up. Time to get up. And then if I didn't, she would say, pinchers will come. And she would start to pinch me, and not hard, but just, like, to get me. Wake me up. And I hated it. But anyway, we wake up early, and then we'd have some sort of breakfast, and we get dropped off to daycare. Before school. So I was in before school and after school daycare. So maybe from, I don't know, 7, 7:38 or so until school started, whenever that was, 8:39, I don't know. And then after school we walked to daycare, which was on campus, and we'd stay there until our parents picked us up, which I remember we were usually one of the last kids to get picked up because me and Chris, because our parents worked. And so we also didn't really have family dinners. We only cooked and sat together as a family really during holidays. So all that to say I got a little bit of time with my parents in the morning and a little bit of time in the evening. And then we would go, we would spend time together as a family on the weekends. But it's just different. It's just different when, you know, you might have a parent that stays home with the kids. And. But that's just what my family had to do. And I think, but I think that if I had to pinpoint anything, I think just the amount of time and the physical presence of being with my parents kind of formed maybe more of my anxious attachment, performative, limerent tendencies. And so as early childhood that might be an origin story of this. And then that couple that with, you know, what we are hearing more and more of is just the programming that we got as 90s kids, which was the prince saves you the popular girl. Everyone wants to be the popular girl. And you're only the popular girl if you are pretty and fit and funny and smart and. And you have the like cute boyfriend that will do anything for you and is obsessed with you and all that kind of stuff. And it's funny because I like say that and I'm like, that's. That sounds great. But that's the problem is that like that was what we were fed constantly in different forms, all growing up, all the Disney movies, all of the Disney Channel shows. It was just this romanticizing of interacting with boys and with men. And so it, I think psychologically it developed my brain to seek that and think that way. So the other thing I wrote down, this is really niche and really specific, but it's part of my experience. I, I remember Disneyland is a big part of my life partially because I did not have too much quality time throughout the week with my family. But like I said, we would go to like, well, just get to know me a little bit more. The reason going out to restaurants and like dining out with my friends and like, if I have a significant other is important. To me is because it gives me the same feeling that I had when I got to spend time with my family as a kid. So in the same way that eating at home might feel special to, you know, make cooking dinner together, my family never did that. So I get the same feeling from going out and eating at restaurants now. Disneyland was the same thing. So because we didn't have too much time together as a family, we would go on a once a year vacation and we would alternate. I was, I think I was a little bit like more well off when I was a small child. And when I say I, I mean my family. This is of course, when both my parents are working because my mom did get later laid off when I went into middle school, I believe. But anyway, we take a once a year vacation and we'd alternate between Disneyland and Hawaii. And I absolutely loved Disneyland. I loved going with my family. I was just the best. And I remember as a small kid and even into my teen years because I, I continued to go to Disneyland because it still gives me the same feeling as when I was a kid. And, you know, it's just special to me. But I have this thing as a small kid seeing, you know, the teenager couples and the, you know, the boy and the girl and just seeing them and being like, ah, I want that. Like seeing a, you know, a pretty girl with, depending on the age, a boy or a man with his arms wrapped around her and like adoring her, standing in line for a ride. And I would see that and it was the same thing as seeing a princess in a Disney movie getting her prince. Like, I just saw it everywhere and it kind of created this thing in me that like, I won't be satisfied until I have that. And I don't, I don't think that is technically part of the technical experience of limerence because limerence is a limerent and a limerent object. But I do think that it's more of the mental processing of someone with limerence is like the other side of that is sometimes you just don't feel all the way there unless you have someone filling that spot, which is something also to be worked on. And then early dating life. So I was kind of ruthless in high school, if I'm being honest. Like, I feel like people who knew me, I want to say in another life, because even back in college I was not the same person in high school. I definitely am not that person anymore. But I was the girl that I basically dated everyone. But when I say dated, I mean they would ask to Be my boyfriend. I would say yes. We would hold hands and maybe kiss and then I would get the ick and dump them. And then I would date, literally, this is so bad. Literally their friend. And so I don't, I wonder if that was like a mini version of limerence of like, okay, I finally am at the stage where, you know, I feel pretty and boys think I'm pretty. So I'm gonna like jump into what I think is a relationship and play that out. But you know, then once I actually have it, it's like, eh, and it deteriorates. So I wonder if that's, if that's that. What I would say is that this got, I think this started to develop more in college with a really unhealthy relationship. And that's where I can really start to see like big red flags that were just blatantly ignored for the sake of having the relationship. And then after college, full blown limerence. There was a period, I dated someone for a couple months after college and I didn't get over them for like a year. And it was miserable. Like it was to the point where, which was, it's so funny to me now because I didn't know them. Like, you can't get to know someone really in a couple months. You just can't. You don't know who they are, you don't know their character. Like, if, if, if I had to describe that person from what I knew about them, then I probably couldn't do it. So logically it doesn't make sense to be just miserable thinking like, oh, I have a broken heart. That's limerence. And yeah, it was to the point where like we dated. I was in full blown limerence with them. And I would argue they probably were in limerence with me too. This person was also very avoidant. And I think what happened was once the uncertainty of like, could we do this? Could we get together? Because we got together really, really quickly. Once the uncertainty faded, which is what anchors limerence, they dumped me. And what's so funny about that is I'm realizing now that I stayed in limerence because I never understood or let my get the reality of why. So I was left in uncertainty and that's why I stayed in, in that limerent state of just being depressed and miserable. There was. I had started dating someone else and this is. I'll just be real with you guys. That person was staying over at my house and I went out and slept on the couch because I was just like, I, I can't even I can't be around you. I can't. It was. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't. It was terrible. It was probably. It was a different kind of lovesick because I also. I almost always say his name. I also had quite a experience with my last, like really, really long relationship. That one was a little bit different because we were together. I think we were out of limerence at that point. And I say we, I mean me, because I don't think he had any limerent tendencies. But anyway, so I can pull like certain things from every experience I've had basically and identify some limerent behavior, some limerent tendencies, some repercussions of limeren. So that leads me to my fourth point of my experience, which is recent dating life and relationships. My last relationship, I failed at this. Hard. I failed really, really hard. I basically fell into this limerent state to a T before getting all the information and signed on to something that I shouldn't have signed on to and then stayed around, actually fell into the slimmers, got into a relationship. And then that person stopped showing up for me in a proverbial and literal sense. And because of that uncertainty, it triggered my anxious attachment and my limerent tendencies to stay more and write stories in my head and try to make it okay and. And try to turn any negative situation into a positive. And so I really, really failed at this before. The first time that I think that I have succeeded in kicking my limerence in the behind is that situation that I told you about at the beginning of this episode of being disappointed in the month and a half ago. And I'm going to tell you how because I think it would be interesting to just talk about what this is and my experiences. But it's so valuable to have answers and instructions and a recipe to try to not have these tendencies. Um, so before I get to that, I want to tell you where limerence will always get you. And this is from the research, in the research limerence. So the state of mind will always end. The duration is 3 to 36 months and how it ends is dependent. Either it turns into a relationship, a different perspective on commitment already made, or hurt. Because limerence isn't real love. It's obsession with the potential or uncertainty that things could work out perfectly with that person. The research also says the question is, is this something you can cure? Can you cure limerence? I just wrote down inconclusive and then I wrote down my gut is that it's something that you can educate yourself on and manage just like any attachment style. Or childhood trauma. It's something that probably will always be present. I would relate it to. I mean, this is aggressive, but like I said, attachment style that comes out of childhood trauma or maybe a past addiction or. Huh. What else? Even poor habits. I. I think it's probably something that you will always have the capability of because the neural pathways that you've built in your brain. And I just listened to an episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, and it was talking. It was with a brain scientist. Neurologist. Whoa, whoa. Neurologist. And it was really fascinating. And they were talking about habits and the way that your brain works and neural pathways, which are basically pathways for how you operate, why you do what you do. And so what I'm thinking is that you. If you are in this category and you have these pathways that you've been using your entire life, or maybe part of your life, it will take you doing things differently to wire new neural pathways until those other neural pathways die. And in the interim of those new neural pathways being paved, you will still have. Imagine, like. Like a. Like a dirt road. And then imagine laying down a concrete road next to it or sort of like weaving across it until that dirt road is somehow wiped out. And the only option is to take the new concrete pathway, which will take a minute to lay down. It's still an option. You could still turn off and go down that dirt pathway. All right, so the next section in my notes is how I cope. Slash started or starting to heal. And the first thing that I wrote down, which is obvious but also extremely important, is learning about limerence. Search that Google girl. Like, if you think that there's something detrimental happening to you or in the way that your patterns lay themselves out or your habits, learn about it. Just start. Even if you don't want to do, like, reading research, because I know that can get, like, overwhelming, especially with. I'm gonna sound really uneducated right now, but it's hard for me to. To, like, look at, like, published articles from, like, you know, like, research articles, because it's almost impossible to read them, and you don't really know what's happening. But there's a bunch of different types of resources about limerence. You can Even search in TikTok or Instagram about limerence, and there's a bunch of therapists that will come up and just give you little nuggets, and it will start to, like, make you recognize things. The other thing I wrote down is learning about attachment styles and specifically anxious attachment. Now I want to go one step further Here, because everyone. It's so popular to be like, childhood trauma is the way that you are. And there's these different anxious and avoidant and anxious avoidant and secure and attachment styles. So that's why you're in the stage that you're in or whatever. But that doesn't really answer all the questions. So you learn about that, you learn about attachment styles, and then you. You need to do the specific work of thinking about your childhood, journaling about it. Like, there's something about this is why people go to therapy is because you need to get out what happened or didn't happen that made you the person that you are in order to understand where you're going. Because I can guarantee you that if you don't do this, the trajectory that your life will take will be dramatically different than the trajectory your life will take if you do. So, for example, if you had, maybe your parents got divorced and you've never really super broken that down. I think I mentioned this in another episode. I did this exercise called, and I just made it up because I thought it would be helpful. And it really was. It was like, whoa. If everything wasn't as perfect as I thought it was. Because, like I said, I feel luckily, like, I had an amazing childhood. I was very blessed. My parents stayed together. My mom did pass away when I was in high school, but I didn't have trauma of my parents splitting up or really my parents fighting at all. Like, I had, in quote unquote, a good upbringing. And because of that, I've never really. When anyone brings up childhood trauma, for the longest time I was like, okay, that's not me. So, like, it's irrelevant. I don't get why, but I still have these tendencies. So I was like, okay, I'm. I got to the point after my last breakup and I was like, I'm still here single. When I thought I would be married or have my person or even have babies by now, I. There has to be a reason. So I did this thing where I got out a notebook and I. At the top of it, I wrote if everything wasn't as perfect as I thought it was. And I thought back to my childhood and I said, I'm going to think about this, about what it was like without the veil of what I just told you, which was, everything was great. My parents stayed together, they never fought. I never went hungry or, you know, I didn't have any trauma. I took all of that away and I. I asked myself some questions, like, how did I feel as a kid? And I just, it was just me and the paper, pen and paper, so no one was judging. And I just wrote how I remember feeling as a kid. And then I, I think I asked questions like what did I think of? Or how did I feel most loved? When did I not feel loved? What did I think of? How did I think of my parents? And then I asked myself, what did I think of my parents relationship as a kid? And let me tell you, there are so many things you'll start writing and then you'll say, wait a minute, wait a minute, this is me. And you realize that you're repeating cycles. And it's a. I'm smiling right now because it's almost like finding treasure. Because finally, finally you have answers for why you are the way you are. And so it's going beyond just being like attachment style, blah, blah, blah. It's the behaviors or the things that your parents did or didn't do. And that's very unique to you. And so you have to do the work to learn about that, Journal about it. Once you journal about your childhood experience, another exercise to do is on another piece of paper, write down the types of qualities that typically are present in the partners that you've chosen historically and see what connections there are not just in the characteristics of the person, but let's say between you and that person and tie that back to what you saw from your parents. That's so good. That's a word right there. Okay, I actually wrote out my list of questions. So if you want to like, screen record this part of the podcast for a journal prompt to do later, get your little swipey swipe finger out and do that. So the exercises, if everything wasn't as perfect, and underneath that it's childhood memories and dynamics. So the first question is, what do I remember about my mom? What do I remember about my dad? What do I remember about their relationship? When did I feel loved, slash important to my parents? When was I praised as a child? What attachment styles have my past partners seem most like? Which parent or parents do the attachment styles of my past partners most closely resemble? Why might I be seeking out these qualities? Okay, so later, after you finish listening to this, instead of watching a show or scrolling on TikTok, love you, but just tonight, do this journal prompt. Okay? All right. And then still on the topic of how I cope and how I've started to heal is coming into dating with boundaries not just physical, but emotional and mental space, slash time. So that's something that also comes along with this is that I'm so obsessed with the person that all my boundaries drop. And it's actually a very unattractive thing subconsciously to people. Like, if you think about the person that's like, oh, yeah, I'm always free whenever you want to get together, like, I'd love to, blah, blah, blah, that's unattractive because, like, okay, you don't have anything going on in your life. Like the person that never tells you no. Subconsciously, you're like, this is, this is bad. But like, people take advantage of that, which is what always happens. So now I'm going to get into specifics. This is the meat. This is the juice. This is the hot gossip. Okay? Dating with limerence tips and tricks and phrases that you can actually use to help yourself. Okay, so number one, dating with limerence tips and tricks. Anytime I start to go down the limerent path, I literally snap myself out of it and tell myself, no. And what that looks and sounds like is exactly what it looks and sounds like. So when I start to daydream, I go, no, Danielle. To myself, no. And I force myself to think about something else because if I let myself. It's almost like when you start watching this is good. This is a word. When you start binge watching a series on Netflix and you're like, oh, I've already watched one episode, I might as well watch the next. And then it's been four hours, it's the same thing. If you catch yourself within five minutes of that episode and you say, not right now. I can't do that. I'm. I'm not going to do that. I am going to go do this. So you have to give yourself a landing point. So when you say, I'm not going to think about this or obsess or daydream, you need to give yourself an activity or a thought to do outside of that. So fill your life. This is also, if. If you're struggling with this and just being unhappy in life in general, I would highly recommend you go listen to. I always butcher the episode numbers, but I think it's episode five, which is how to live your dream life. And it's basically tailor designing your perfect life from my opinion and what I've done over the last couple years, which I'm pretty happy. So you could go listen to that. So that's number one. And then number two is follow up phrases. Now these are used in the case where feelings are starting to build. Maybe. Or. Or maybe I'm writing the stories in my head that may or may not be true. So it's sort of like on the daydreaming phase. Or maybe it's when I start dating someone and I think I start to like them. I will ask myself why, and I will say, I don't know if that's true or not. And something that really helped me. This really had a turning point end of last year, beginning of this year. So about January of this year, I went on a date with someone. He was a nice guy, and we had. We had a good time and we texted a little bit after that. I was. I flew out to Texas shortly after that, and I had a viral video. I think he may have saw it. And I never heard from him again. So fun, fun stuff. But anyway, that was the first time because he was cute. He was tall. I think he was six, three, nice smile, pretty blue eyes, tall, dark and handsome kind of thing. Sweet guy. And I went on a date and all my friends are really excited. And I had told my friends, hey, guys, I'm really working on this anxious attachments, limerence thing. So, like, I'm. I will. Will not be getting excited about anyone until it's time to be getting excited. And so I just remember all these times where I would be like, instead of trying to bring his name up. Name up into things or like, bring up, you know, details, I would just not talk about it because, you know, this is the early stages of dating, so not getting ahead of myself. So some phrases are. I don't know if that's true or not. So that can be. That can be when feelings are being built or emotions feel like they're rising, but you really don't have the information, early phase dating. So you just say, I don't know if that's true or not. Maybe it's kind of like that, that. That tone, absorb that emotionally. Maybe. Maybe it's true. I don't. I'm not sure we'll. And then I don't know this person yet. So anytime I would get excited, I'd be like, I don't know this person yet. I would tell myself that. And it just. It anchored me, I think. And then, especially when girlfriends would, like, talk to me about dating situations, I would say, I'm excited, but we'll see. Same sort of thing. Just flip it off. We'll see. And then I had sort of gone into these phrases so deeply that this one was kind of a joke, but it really, really, really helped. And it was also really true. And it was, I can't. I'm busy. And where it came from was, let's call him John, because that was not his name. I actually don't remember his name. See, I'm growing. What was his name? I could not tell you for the life of me. So there's growth, there's hope. So we were. This guy I went on a date with end of last year, before I flew out for New Year's, was texting me as I was on my trip, and not like, constantly, but like a few messages throughout the day maybe. And I would tell my. My girlfriends, oh, John, text me. And I would get. I kind of got overwhelmed because, like, it's sort of like a whole other game trying to date and text and all that kind of stuff. So. But we were constantly doing stuff. And so I would joke and be like, ugh, I can't. I can't reply. I'm busy. It was just like a fun little, you know, girls joke. But it became true. It was like my texts became so spread out and sporadic because I was purposely not trying to get too excited and, like, drop everything for this person while I'm on a girls trip. But it also kind of like grounded me in. In what it should be, which is your life as a single person is full as is, and anyone that wants to come into that has to figure out how to fit in. You do not rearrange your life for someone else. And that also means that you're not hooked to your phone, constantly replying beck and call for this person. Just because you're excited and in limerence with someone, they get a response when you have time based on everything else that you have going on in your life. Now, I'm not saying that you're avoidant and you don't respond. I'm just saying I used to be the girl that was glued to her phone, which I still always have my phone, but it's constantly on do not disturb, which I absolutely love. We're gonna get to that in a second. That would. I would know if you text me within 60 seconds and guess how fast I would reply even if I had other things that I should be doing. And so that's what I'm saying is that you got your own priorities. So the phrases, I can't, I'm busy, and it's just a fun, like, faux pas. What does faux pas mean? It's kind of like, I don't want to say that because I don't know what it means. It's kind of just like a. Like a cute little hair flip kind of phrase, you know? Okay, the next thing I'm going to say is a little controversial. And I would also like to say that I still haven't successfully done it, but I will, I will get there. You know, I've had growth since December, January, and we're getting more and more. And I think this next phase, which is also going to come with its own series of content is, is, is gonna be this. And there. That is a new strategy with dating, and that is to have a roster. Now the roster in quotes has such a derogatory subtext behind it. Right now. It's, it's almost when I hear it, I think, I think that it insinuates that you. Because it insinuates that you don't actually care about anyone and that you don't respect anyone that you're dating. You just want to date to be served and, and to fill your time, but not actually looking for a relationship. And to that I say it's actually quite the opposite. It's that you are interested in all of these people and are giving people an opportunity to show you who they are and how they could show up for you and be a partner for you and vice versa, but not giving them too much responsibility without it being earned. So I think a lot of times, girls, women with anxious attachment and limerent tendencies tend to hone in super fast. For example, the last short relationship I had six months last year, that's what I did. I went into the date knowing he was going to be my boyfriend after like a day of talking. How. Now that I say that out loud, how? I don't know. Actually, I do know how, but. Well, yeah, but that's the problem. You don't know this person. And so when you hone in that fast and, and I think that's really, really important. I don't want to move from this point because it's actually, it lacks respect for yourself and the other person because you're actually. When you hone in too quickly on someone, you're giving them responsibilities they didn't sign for. You are writing a story about their character that may not be true. You are filling in the blanks about who they are that may not be true. And it sets them up for disservice because then this story, this fable that you've wrote, written about them, they can't live up to that. Maybe not. Probably not. And so it just sets you up for disaster. Whereas the roster, or dating multiple people, really, roster is just the shorthand term for it. I just want to clarify that like When I say roster, I don't mean it in a disrespectful way in that, like, oh, on the rotation, like, you know, and there is some validity too. As a woman, we should be hunted. And when I say hunted, I mean pursued. You know, you know what I'm saying? Like, it should never be that we are seeking and chasing after a man. That's just not the way it works. And so I just really want to clarify that roster. Dating multiple people, it's in the most respectful, loving way for all parties. Because when someone really isn't up for the. The challenge, up for the task, or compatible with you or it's not supposed to, it's just not a thing, then they will fizzle out naturally. And then you are constantly meeting people, giving people chances without being disappointed or making someone feel like they disappointed you because they're the only person that you're talking to. And I never thought about it that way before. And yes, it takes a bunch of work because you have to be talking to multiple people. And again, I have not done this successfully, but we are going to do it together in the next six months. I will be doing this for the first time in my life. Actually, that's not true. I did it once in college. I was ruthless in college. I need a little bit more of that now anyway. And then. So behind the roster or dating multiple people, the basic methodology here is that I am confusing my brain such that I can't narrow down and focus on any one person. So the other side of this is it's literally confusing to my brain when I don't give myself one limerent object, when I have three, or let's say five, my brain, like I'm just thinking about it now, can't identify. It's like it would be like if you did a control find on your keyboard and you had five things that you were trying to find. Like my brain wouldn't be able to compute. And so I think it helps stop your brain from going down those pathways of like the limerent object, limerence thing. Okay, next point. Concrete tip for dating with limerence is not listening to words at all. And what I mean by this is, this is what people say about themselves as well as what they are saying about me. So obviously you're gonna go on dates and you're going to listen to words and you're going to get to know someone by your conversations. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is, is if you're asking those questions on the dates, like what's important to you? How close are you with your family? How would your friends describe you? All that kind of stuff. And they're telling you, oh, my friends would describe me as really reliable and loyal. And then this guy can't seem to get it together to show up on time. That's not very reliable. So we're not. We're listening to what they're saying and getting to know them normally, but we are making sure that the actions align with what they're saying. If I had known this when I was in my 20s, I would have cut off dating situations after the first date instead of spending months or literal years with people. And this also goes to for what you, meaning the man, is going to say about me. So my last relationship last year, it was a lot of, like, mouth service without backing it up. So which made me the bad guy. It was like, you're the most important person in my life. You're the only person that, like, understands me. I can't wait to see you, blah, blah, blah. But then never showing up, never backing up those statements. If someone is saying, I really, really like you, but they're not acting like it, that's not something you listen to. Sorry, if someone says that. What's another good example? If someone says they can't wait to see you, but never plans a date, that's not something you listen to. If someone says that they want to exclusively see you, but then don't treat you in accordance to be exclusively dating, that's not something you listen to. And so that's what I mean by not listening to words at all is if the action and the words do not align, that's a statement that goes one in one ear and out the other and is not marked down under their character because it's a lie. Sorry, I wrote down, you can say you're obsessed with me, but do your actions align? All right, next point is taking actions for what they are, not blowing things up out of proportion. This is the same line as being impressed with bare minimum. So I, I notice with myself a lot of times with limerence is you just can't get over the one time that he took you out for a nice dinner, Whoop dee doo, he took you out. You say, thank you, you're grateful, but is he going to be thinking of you and do thoughtful things consistently? Is he going to be showing that same type of energy consistently? Because when you find yourself reminiscing, this is one of the characteristics we talked about. And obsessing over what's happened. You're trying to reaffirm in your brain of this uncertainty of, yes, this guy really loves me and this guy's obsessed with me, but based on maybe one or two things that haven't been proven. So you're taking things for what they are and not being impressed with bare minimum. If in my eyes, I guess everyone's bare minimum is different. Opening the door for me, car, restaurant, business, gym, otherwise is bare minimum. We're not getting so thrilled with the fact that he is a gentleman, okay? He should be a gentleman. In my mind, the person that I want to be with is really comfortable in their masculine and likes to provide. So I'm going to be extremely grateful and thankful for what is provided for me. But I'm not going to think that someone is my husband because they are taking me out to dinner, okay? For some people listening to this, I can just, like, feel it and hear it. They're like, what are you talking about? And you're probably at a little bit more of a secure state than us girls with the limerick tendencies, but this is the way our brain works, okay? Like, we write these stories, and they're not always true. In fact, most of the times they're not. See what else is on here? Okay? I wrote down in my mind, a man that wants to be with me will make it known and be consistent, open the door for me, take me out, protect me, cherish me. And we'll do all of those things repeatedly over time. So I don't need to constantly be reminding myself of what he's done before because he's continuing to do it. That's the difference. So we're not falling in love with a guy just because he opens the door for us, said we look nice and bought us dinner. Those are things we express gratitude for but are not. The price of our trust and our emotions. And then the next practical tip, which is difficult because it's gonna put a really harsh mirror up to your face, but it is so vital. It's so, so vital. And that is bringing in trusted friends and dating and community. So this does not mean that you tell every. Everybody, all the girls, everyone you're dating, love life, okay? This means your close friends that you trust that are supportive, not judgmental. Because I know that we, you know, we love people for where they're at. And so not all your friends probably fall into this bucket, and that's okay. But at least one or two people, and it's helpful when it's in a collective group, so you're not like, individually having these conversations, but you can bringing them in and kind of sharing what that date was like, sharing what the interactions, the communication was like. And the reason this is so important is because they will hold you accountable for red flags. You might be missing an experience I had. This just makes me cringe. This makes me want to, like, throw up. Oh, gosh. With my last relationship, when things started to go south pretty early on, and the first thing that went was the communication, it was, like, really inconsistent. It just wasn't up to par. And it was really bad. It was really, really bad. And I shared that in a respectful way. I had shared, you know, with a girlfriend. We were really, really obsessed with each other. And then things are kind of leveling out. And lately I've kind of. We've had a hard time with communication. You know, the response is not in the manner that I would hope for and in the timing and whatever. So we're having challenges with that. And my girlfriend was quick to be like, that's not good, and was on guard for me. And she wasn't like, you need to shut this down. But she. She put up a mirror, and I wasn't ready to see it yet. But here's another. Just huge red flag. And another thing I ignored is I shared with my partner at the time that shared that with my girlfriend. And in a roundabout way, I was made to feel like I shouldn't be sharing our challenges outside of us. And let me tell you from my own opinion, at least in dating, I think marriage is a different arena because that's a commitment that you've made to each other. But in dating, you're evaluating each other, and evaluation is helpful in groups. And especially as women, we are such a force. And the way that we're designed, men deal with things alone. Women come together as a collective, and that's what makes us. Oh, I just got full body chills. That's what makes us so special, is that we are so powerful together. And so I was just made to feel like, without saying it, basically, that I did a no, no, and that shouldn't be, like. And it was, like, backhanded. Like, of course, like, I'll, you know, I'm okay with, like, if you. With whatever you say. But, like, that's just how I feel about it. I just, like, don't think. And of course that's what he thought because it was his own shortcoming. So I'm just saying dating and community is really, really important because from that point on, I kept everything to myself. And Then guess what happened? It got worse. And I stayed for months. And if I had just completely been open with my girlfriends, they would have sat me down and been like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Like, slapped me with truth. The other part about dating and community is genuinely asking your friends for their opinion or any red flags they're seeing, because sometimes, even if you're not ready to hear it right, then it does plant a seed of acceptance for later. So your friends, especially if they're trusted and are close to you, will tell you what they're seeing because they don't have the emotional investment in that person. They only have emotional investment in you. So they only have your best interest at heart. And what they might tell you is harsh. And I. And I just want to prepare you that that might happen. And so when you have those conversations with those people, you don't have to. It's not a default that you have to agree with them, even though you might deeply, deep down agree with them. But it's just hard to say. All you have to do in that point is say, I really appreciate you telling me that. Thank you. And that's it. Because they're close to you for a reason. You trust you're telling them this, so you trust them, which means that, like, in your brain, you know, there's some level of truth to what they're saying. So it just helps for you to get another picture, another perspective of the situation that you're so enthralled in, you know, and then being. Being in. Bring in trusted friends and dating and community. This also looks like not just dating that person and then going and telling your friends about it. It means bringing that person in, in my opinion, like, relatively quickly. And when I say relatively quickly, I mean, like, maybe like two months in, three months in, because they. They'll get a new perspective off of meeting that person and, you know, see if they like them or not. And. And that's just another layer for you to be considering in your evaluation, which is dating. Okay, so next practical tip. And this is going to be annoying, and I'm just going to say it, but I have. I have some. I'm going to say this statement, and then I have some unique perspectives here. Okay? So just roll with me. All right, next tip. Ensure that you're living a full life outside of dating. Dating should be the cherry on the cake, not the thing you most look forward to. So if the biggest event on your roster in your week is the date that you're going on, there's a problem. I'm gonna say that again. If the biggest event in your week is going on a date, there is a problem. And I'll tell you why. When I am genuinely busy with passion projects, work or friends or hosting or events or whatever, I also genuinely don't have time to be obsessing over someone. I don't have time. But if the only thing I have on my calendar is a date, guess what I'm going to be thinking about. And I've actually honestly gotten to the point where I've gone like way in the deep end on this, where my hinge is still up. But I just like, I open it and I close it and I'm like, I do not have time for this. So I might just take my down for a little bit. But yeah, that's something that's really, really helpful. Is like book, book yourself shut dude. Like even with things that make ritualistic things part of your quote unquote plans. So let's say you work like 9 to 5 and you want to get more into fitness or feel better about your health. Maybe what you're doing that week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday is a workout that you have scheduled into your calendar from 5 to 7. So you're not free until after 7 or whenever. You know what I'm saying? Things just can't move around because you want to date. It should be the last thing because then you don't have something that you're obsessing over that shouldn't be obsessed over. Okay? Another practical tip is the do not disturb status on your phone. So I'm going to tell you the progression of how this works. Do not disturb is something you can use as a guardrail, as a barrier for anyone who isn't at the level of deserving or having earned the ability to pull your attention. Having to wait until you actually check the phone. Now when you first do this, you're probably going to check your phone a lot, but then you're going to check your phone less, then you're going to check your phone less than that. And then it just becomes natural that when you open your phone you're going to have text on it because it's not something that you're thinking about. Just trust me and try it and it's probably not going to kick in until like one to two weeks. You'll start to see a difference. But do not Disturb is my absolute favorite. Now when you do do not Disturb, you need to put pass through contacts. So for me, I have my dad, I have my Bonus mom. And I have my manager and my best friend. And then I also have like work apps. So like email and Slack, because those things just depending on where I'm at, I want to always be responsive. And those things deserve my time. But not some random. Not some guy who you've been dating for a month. And so what's so beautiful about this is it's a practical thing that you can do to help reprogram that neural pathway or build a new neural pathway, rather. And I know this can seem. This can seem like. But I'm just gonna. If I don't know who's texting me, then I'm gonna check all the time. Just trust me. If you do this and you start building your life so that whoever's on your phone isn't the primary objective, it will work. This will not work. If you turn your phone on do not disturb. You do your pass through contacts and you don't have a full life, you need to have a full life. Because if you put your phone on do not disturb and you're just sitting there and you have all this time and space to just daydream, it's not helping you either. So this is a combination of practical things that we need to be doing as limerent survivors. The other thing I want to point out is all of these things are working together not just to help you with your limerence, but in how you come off to other people and the people that you're gonna date and really everyone in your life. Because what happens is when you're never busy, you have time to obsess over things or your limit object, which we know is bad, and then you start to date and that person realizes that you don't have a full life either consciously or subconsciously. And what I've noticed from my own experience, this is typically what happens. I'll tell you, I would say in not a bragging way, in a, I have a blessed life and a blessed experience in life by God, and am a hard worker pursuing what he has for me, that I have a. I have a full life. Like, I'm successful in my career, I own my own place, I'm doing the social media thing. I have interests, I am. I have a dog. I like to be active. Like, I have all these things going for me. And so what happens is I start to date someone and they see all these really attractive qualities about me. But then because of the limerence, it's almost like none of those things matters because I put them first. And whether consciously or Subconsciously, that's extremely unattractive because it is like, well, how important are any of those things in her life if she's just dropping everything to talk to me or be with me or like, cancel plans to be with me, or like, is always free to do something and then what happens? This is why I'm telling you this, and maybe you'll recognize this too is what I've realized is subconsciously the actions and the behavior towards you or me change. So it's sort of like, oh, well, she's never busy, so I can call her whenever. I don't have to make sure I call her by a certain time because she'll pick up the phone regardless of when I'm calling. You know what I mean? She's never busy, so I can be last minute. She's never busy, so I don't really have to plan anything because we'll just figure it out. She's never busy, so I can just reschedule or be lazy. Do you know, does this, is this making sense? So I'm not blaming other people's poor behavior on you. I'm just saying we teach people how they can treat us by allowing them to treat us that way. And that's from my own experience, is that the tone changes, things start shifting. So everything that I'm telling you is things that I'm actively working on and still struggling with. The last person I dated, I started to realize I was doing that a little bit at the end. And guess what? Guess when the behavior changed. So I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better. And just in simplified terms, you are the top priority. You and your life and everything that you have going on right now is the top priority. Because by default, everything else has been in your life longer than this person that's coming into your life now. Okay? And this isn't me being negative. It's just how the brain works. Yeah, we already gave that example. But think about if you had to get something from a store after work that closes at 6. What, what store was that? I think it was FedEx. And I was so frustrated. Maybe it wasn't FedEx. I don't know. There was some store that closed at like 6 or 7 o'clock. I think it was 6 o'clock on a work day. And I had to get a package or something there that day. And I got off work at like 5 and I worked maybe like 30 to 45 minutes away. And I was so frustrated because I was like, how is anyone supposed to like work a full time job and get their things done with this store. But guess what was my top priority was going straight from work to get whatever I needed to get done done. It's the same thing. If that store was a 24 hour store, I'll go later. It's the way the brain works and it's unfortunate because it's something as fragile as our emotions and our heart. But our brains are not that complicated in the way that they work. When there's an abundance of something, it feels like you can get it anytime. And so if you are being abundant with that person because you've let everything go to the wayside in your life, or are willing to drop things or reschedule your priorities, then it gives the same energy as that example where it's teaching them you will be available at all times. Beck and call. Which means that by proof of interaction, they don't need to do the things that you are so desperately wanting, which is planning ahead, asking you out on a date while still on your current date, asking for your availability, making sure that they're calling you in a timely manner. All of those things. I hope this is making sense. Okay, that's all I had. We are an hour and a half in. I hope you enjoyed it. I think that this episode specifically has something that you know, someone could benefit from and I, I have a feeling it's, you know, someone personally that could benefit from them. Now if you don't want to like basically call someone limerent, maybe you send this to them and say I needed this so bad and it was so interesting and just share it, share it with them. Or you can just share it to your story if you don't want to be aggressive because then people will be like, what is this? And I think, I think this is another one of those things. It's just the epitome of what I'm trying to do here, which is things that I wish I knew earlier and if I had known about limerence going into my 20s, I probably would have had a different experience, a different decade of my 20s. But that's what it's for. So you're getting a little bit earlier than I am. I mean, depending on how old you are. I love you. I will talk to you next time. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you By.