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Danielle
Imagine what's possible when learning doesn't get in the way of life. At Capella University. Our game changing flexpath learning format lets you set your own deadline so you can learn at a time and pace that works for you. It's an education you can tailor to your schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to pursue your professional goals. Instead, enjoy learning your way and earn your degree without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more@capella.edu this episode is brought to you by Indeed. We're driven by the search for better. But when it comes to hiring, the best way to search for a candidate isn't to search at all. Don't search. Match with Indeed. Use Indeed for scheduling, screening and messaging so you can connect with candidates faster. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility@ Indeed.com SBO terms and conditions apply. Hello and welcome to who Is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi guys. I'm so happy to be back. I'm back with a reinvigorated spirit. I said on my Instagram story today that I have been feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the podcast. Not because of actually doing the podcast well, partially because I really want to get into video podcasting. So that's hopefully coming soon. I if it's this easy, I'm just gonna laugh at myself and just give my little, you know, just smile about it. But I ordered a cord that I think will allow me to hook up my camera and I found a software that I can record audio and video at the same time and then hopefully just easily upload a video podcast instead, because I recognize that that's the way that podcasting is going. You've got Alex Earle with Hot Mess. All my other favorites do video podcasting. Interestingly enough though, some of my favorites do video podcasting, but only upload the video to YouTube. They don't upload it to Spotify, which is really interesting to me and I don't really know why, but I all that to say I want to do it. I just quite literally have felt overwhelmed by the thought of that and how to logistically, technically make that happen. Which is so silly because it's like, just figure it out. Like you figured out how to make a podcast. You could figure that out. So we're, we're. Push comes to shove, we're getting there. Um, but mostly what I've been feeling overwhelmed about is just coming up with topics. And when I say that, I don't mean that I don't have anything to talk about. I'm. I'm saying that the things that we've covered so far have been large topics. So, like, if I pull up my topics list here, what we've talked about so far has been things like my testimony and how I came to faith. How to find your style. Starting a new thing. How to make friends as an adult. The keys to prayer. Things I wish I knew about men. There's four parts to that. Dating God's way, Dating with limerence. So there's a bunch of big topics. What else do we do? How to live your dream life. The mindset that I've adopted. Getting through a breakup. A step by step guide, why you're not getting hit on, what you can do about it. Large, like meaty, juicy topics. And I have found that what I like most in podcasts, if I'm not obsessed with the host, is that it stays on a very specific topic and more of a teaching advice, structured episode. So, like, how to. Or you know what I mean. So with that mindset, I've just sort of been overwhelmed because what that also requires of me and the way that my brain works and the way that I operate in that way is to script out or put, like, bulleted notes. So it's not just me sitting down and just giving you my thoughts off the cuff. Like, I want it to be intentional. And that's what I've done for most of the episodes. So I sit down, I spend an hour to two hours, like almost like a, you know, a report or a paper that I'm writing so that I don't miss anything. And it's really, like, valuable for you guys. But I do recognize I don't quite understand and I am grateful, but I don't quite grasp it yet that I am someone that a lot of you guys just love to hear from. Like, I have the influencers that are like that for me. You guys know I'm obsessed with Whitney Simmons. I crave the content from her. I've got some other ones we're going to talk about in a second that I just absolutely love consuming their content. And it does it doesn't matter what it is. I'm there for it. And I get like, I posted this one time that whole description that I just said and a lot of you guys were like, you're that to me. And I wasn't expecting that. I was asking for like other influencers that you guys love and I got a lot of feedback that that's how you think of me, which I'm so flattered. All this to say I am gonna give myself a break and just come to you guys with what I have for that week or that bi week because we're determining whether this is going to be a weekly or a bi weekly podcast. But I'm just going to come to you with what I have. Sometimes it's going to be topic teaching oriented, sometimes it's going to be more light, updates, stories, whatever it is. Sometimes it'll be just pulled from the audience. But I. I'm back. That's what I want to say. Okay. Taking something from one of my favorite influencers podcasts. Her name is Peyton Sarton and she splits her episodes into different like sections. So like she'll have a main topic but she'll always start out with what she calls influences of the week. She does a content corner and like just general life updates. I don't want to like directly rip and replace, so I think I'm gonna call mine Influenced by Content Focus and then just life updates. So just. But I'm shouting her out because I've, I've followed her for, I want to say almost a decade, maybe more. Yeah. And I just, she's someone I look to up to in the space. So for my Influenced by this week, Peyton Sartin, you can look her up on Instagram and YouTube and TikTok and it's P A Y T O N S A R T A I N Payton Sarton. And she's just great. She has her own podcast called Note to Self and I just look up to her in the space. The next person that I've been influenced by, not just the last week, but basically the last like couple months, has been Emmy Moore. She's in the Christian space. She actually came over from being a creator more in the fashion space for years and years and years. And then she found faith, like really, really found faith and has just dove in head first and is someone that you watch and consume content from and they make you want to be closer to God, which is cool. The other thing I really love from her is her fashion sense is unbelievable. It's so unique. She has a way of doing, like, more of, like, the baggy street wear in a feminine way. And it's so cool. And I've been so obsessed with her lately that, like, I listen to, like, every podcast she's on. There's been a lot of crossovers in the Christian space in terms of, like, influencers doing each other's podcasts and stuff. So I've watched all of them. And recently there was a question about, like, where she gets her style from. And it was so cool to hear her answer because, you know, you would think it's like, oh, I draw inspo from such and such accounts, Pinterest, what I see celebrities wearing, whatever. And Emmy said it just comes to me. Like, I think she said something about, like, I just think about it when I'm outside. Like, so it. It just said to me that she's, like, true artist in the way that she thinks about her style and puts things together. And it's so apparent, like, the things that she wears are so cool that, like. Like, I can't find it on the Internet. You know what I mean? So anyway, her and then Ali Yost is again, someone I've been severely influenced by. Ali has this really sweet, sweet personality. She's in the Christian space, and she just radiates Jesus. And again, is another person that inspires you to be closer to God. And she, like, I watch her and I'm like, yeah, I want to go read my Bible. And that's a really cool thing. And then the last person I have here is Ashley Hetherington. Ashley and ali are like BFFs. And I found Ashley through Ali. And the reason I put Ashley on here is she has a slightly different energy than Ally or a different vibe. I would say she seems more like the big sister of the group. And something that I have been looking up to and just studying about her is she does YouTube. And she does it in a very interesting sort of, like, diary kind of way. And it's almost like a. I don't remember what the series is called, but it's really cool. And it's like, like Christian Girl Diaries, I think. Um, so if you know me, you know that I love to study other influencers. I don't typically, like, consume. That's not true. I try not to consume a lot. I try to study a lot. So, like, if I'm watching something, I'm like, why am I watching this? What's so good about this? Why am I still watching this and studying the way that people do things so that's my Influenced by. The next section I want to introduce to the podcast is Content Focus. This is anything that I've consumed in the last week or two weeks that I'm liking in terms of content. And I want to give my girl Kira, I believe her name is Kira, but her I might be wrong and that's kind of silly of me because, you know, it's just a new Internet friend that I made. But anyway, her, her at is K I R A N X K A J A L. I posted her on Stories and so if you follow me on Instagram, you probably already see me share her stuff. The reason I'm including her here is I just believe in her so much. I found her off of like a, like a reel or something on my Explore page or my Reels tab. And when I say that she has done what I have described successful influencing as for the longest time, which is creating your own niche, she's done it. She's so specifically true to herself and it's so apparent in the content that she makes. The style, the, the voice, the creative direction, the editing. She's an extremely talented editor when it comes to understanding the features and functions of editing apps and software. The stuff that she can do in capcut I've had access to for over a year and I had no idea how it worked. And she is just a genius. And what I loved about her content is I learned something from her. I got extreme value from her in the first reel that I saw from her. It was basically to teach other creators how to move text in any which way and put it behind certain subjects in your video so you can have more of a dynamic, really cool looking, crisp, fresh kind of video. And I got so much value from that. So I immediately followed. And that I think, I think that video is blowing up, but I'm sure she has others. Anyway, when I found her shoes at 5K, this was, I don't know, maybe a week ago, maybe less. And I was like, she's gonna be at 10k by the end of the week. And sure enough, she just hit 10k. And I truly believe she's gonna be at 100k in, I don't know, three to six months, just depending. But she's definitely someone to follow and you can tell she's just good people. So shout out the next content focus. I've been reading, I've been trying to make it a more of a habit to read than to turn my brain off. And like in Mel Robbins podcast, there was something I listened to. I think it was when she had like a neurologist on or something. But they're talking about how we actively choose to mindlessly scroll because we are burned out and we don't want to think. And it doesn't help, obviously. So I've been trying to do way less of that and just, you know, spend a little time on reading. The book that I'm reading right now is called the One Thing. And it talks about productivity, it talks about multitasking, it talks about how to actually accomplish your goals and feel productive and successful. And then the myths and the lies around different lines of thinking. And I've already. I think I'm about halfway through and I've already pulled so much value from it. What I like about it is it gets pretty straight to the point pretty quickly. And it also is an easy read. My talent for reading, my skill for reading, I would say, has gone down significantly since I've been in school because I don't read very much. And so my speed in reading is very slow and I have to reread things sometimes, um, just because that's where my brain is at. So anyway, as I've been getting back into reading, it's not a difficult book to read, which I like. And you can get, you know, you read a couple pages or maybe a chapter and you get so much value from it. So it's one of those. Highly recommend it. And then last content focus is the Reels tab. So I may talk about this in maybe a state of the union when it comes to like social media. Maybe. Maybe that's an episode I'll do, but I don't know. The TikTok isn't TikToking. Okay. And for a minute I was kind of, I don't want to say upset, but I was kind of bummed out by it because I had figured it out. I figured out TikTok so well, I knew it would perform, I knew how to do it, and it was just a system. And then over the last year, everything flip flopped from that. My theory is that TikTok shop released. The only videos that were getting pushed for a while were TikTok shop videos. People got outraged and were so annoyed that they patterns when it comes came to scrolling on TikTok changed. And I think TikTok lost a lot of audience. And that audience went back to Instagram, which is why you may have experienced Instagram algorithm and performance and content significantly improving over the last year. Because I think audiences are returning. But with that shift, I think that TikTok's algorithm is all over the place. I did a test because I was specifically thinking about this and went on TikTok for like, hmm, maybe two minutes. And I started just in my for you page, just scrolling. And I think I counted, I don't know, 10 to 20 videos that I was not at all interested in. And I remember a time back in my TikTok golden days when almost every single video would be so on brand, on niche, on target for my specific interests and creators that I would really be interested in. And it's just not that anymore. I think there may be a button to reset your algorithm, so I'm going to experiment with that because at this point mine is just like, terrible. So anyway, as a consumer of content instead of like the creator side, I've found that the TikTok isn't TikToking for me. And because of that, I have been a part of that audience that has moved more back over to Instagram and really actually enjoying my time in the Reels tab. Like, the Reels tab now for me is what TikTok used to be, which is such a crazy thing to say, but I'm understanding Instagram a lot more than I'm understand understanding TikTok these days, which is weird, but it's just another evolution. So if you're a creator in this space and you fell that way too, just know I'm in that bucket as well. Or if you're not a creator and maybe you had a good time on TikTok like two years to a year and a half ago, and then all of a sudden you didn't. I think everyone's having that experience. Okay, before I give you Life Date Life Life updates, I wanted to just quickly mention there's going to be a message coming up that you can sponsor the podcast. It'll be in the show notes, go under see more and there's a link to sponsor the podcast. They give you options to sponsor on a monthly basis, the basis for as little as 99 cents. So there'll be more information later in the pod, but I just wanted to mention that that is an option for you if you feel so inclined. Okay, so Life Updates. As you guys know, I've started to date again and it's going great. It's going exactly, almost exactly the way that I wanted to do it. And I've been very good about keeping my limerence in check. And yeah, when I say almost, what I mean is that what I told you guys is that I would like to date multiple people at one time and so far I haven't put forth the energy in order to make that happen. So that's going to be the next step because I am heading to the city soon. As you guys know, I launched the pilot for Single in the City, my new series which is going to be, I mean it's obviously a modern day twist on a social media version miniseries of Sex and the City. So bringing it forward 30 years because Sex and the City was like late 90s, mid-90s and turning it into my own micro mini social media series. And it's gonna cover like dating in your 30s and making new friends as an adult and going for your dreams and you know, all the fun stuff. And so I believe we are, I'm working with my manager right now and we are booking for beginning of June so I believe that's the 7th to the 9th. I'm not sure if that's locked in yet. So hopefully that's when it's happening. Pray over that. So that's very exciting. That's a big life update. The plan is that hopefully I'll be splitting my time between the city and home. So I'll be hopefully working with different hotels and creating content and staying up there. And then during the week I'll come home and live my like normal life and relax and you know, not totally move to the city yet but do half. Half which is kind of cool, makes me feel good about it, kind of circling, tying all these things together, starting to date and what that looks like and limerence and whatever. I got a message and I don't. I've been a lot better about not taking things personally or even not giving negativity any energy. But I wanted to call out for my actual audience here. I got a message from someone on TikTok that clearly I think there may have been a language barrier or something but they clearly didn't understand what limerence was or listened to anything that I've talked about since my first limerence video describing just sheer what limerence is, not how to date with it or what my perspective is on it or what my specific plan that I've come up with for myself because I have limerence or limerent tendencies I would say. But basically they came at me and they were like, so you say you talk about limerence and then you're like dating around. Like I think they even said something like aren't you gonna afraid that you're gonna give limerance to someone? Like it's contagious. And I was like, oh you really don't get it, but just sort of coming at me, you know what I mean? And. And shaming me for dating with having limerick tendencies. And then I also got some messages from, see this? I can't even remember them because I've been doing such a better job of not paying any mind. But it was something, and I think it was from like the quote unquote Christian side of, you know, someone who's hyper religious, rather than, you know, what I would classify myself with, which is faith and loving people. But they said something along the lines of like, how is dating around Christian? Or like a good message? And I'm like. So I wanted to address that for you guys who are my actual audience. If you're listening to this right now, then you're like inner circle, because I can tell you're 20 minutes into this podcast. You want to hear what I have to say. So the first note about limerence is to be very, very clear, because limerence is, you know, those obsessive, anxious tendencies. What I have outlined for myself is actually something that I've never truly done before, which is dating multiple people at the same time. And that's very intentional because if you have those limerent tendencies, your ability to hyper focus on one person is a lot harder when you have multiple people in the situation. It also, it ties in so well to everything. So it ties in, number one, to the book I've been reading, which is the one thing, because the one thing talks about what I just said, which is multitasking means that you can't give full attention to one thing. And in productivity, work, that kind of thing, it's not good. But for my purposes, that's exactly what I need because I tend to obsess over someone when it hasn't been earned or deserved. And then I get myself into these situations where I don't fully know that person. It's just a story that I've made up in my head. So anyway, that's the plan that I've come up with for myself. The reason I say that the dating hasn't gone all the way the way that I said I was going to do it is because I haven't started to date multiple people. I've just gone on a couple dates with one person. So that's what I would like to do as the next phase of this is start just like meeting people and going out and calling it what it is, which is going on dates. I'm not in a relationship. I'm nowhere close to being in a Relationship. It's just dating. So, yeah. And then I don't think I need to defend myself about the whole, quote, unquote, dating around while being a Christian. I said this on stories the other day. I'm having crazy deja vu right now. I said this on stories the other day. But I think a lot of people in the Christian community get it twisted about the quote, unquote, wait on God. What I believe is that while God is all powerful, all knowing, he requires our partnership for things to happen in our lives. For example, you want a specific job, you can pray for the job, and you can talk to God about the job all you want, but if you don't apply for the job, you're not going to get the job. It's the same way about meeting people, making friends, going out on dates. So I would like to be an active participant in my life, and that includes meeting men. I'm not going to just wait and sit at home and act like my future husband is going to be delivered like an Amazon package to my door. I'm gonna have an active role in my own life. So. And that's why I came out with the Dating God's Way podcast episode, which also outlines how I'd like to date celibate. So dating around doesn't mean that I'm sleeping around. It means I'm going out to do things, eating meals, going bowling. I don't know, maybe there'll be a movie, a walk, a coffee for the purpose of understanding other human beings and seeing if we're a potential match. And I guess the word in here is if you're in a similar boat where you are dating and you are being made to feel wrong about the way that you have chosen to go about dating, and even if it's different than what I'm doing, maybe you're not celibate dating. You are in charge of your own life. Okay? And while I do think that accountability is a great thing in the right context, for example, my closest friends have the ability to hold me accountable, although I don't receive it very well. You are in charge of your own life, okay? So you get to call the shots. And I don't want you to be made to feel like you are wrong because you're different than someone else or you're pursuing something differently than they are. Okay? Hi, guys. I wanted to take a quick break and let you know that there is actually a way that you can support this pod if you feel so inclined, if you've been blessed, if you feel like, you get value from this podcast, and you do feel like you want to give back. If you go to any episode and you go to the Show Notes, so you scroll down, you'll see a little thing that says see more. And under that, it will say, support this podcast. There will be a link where it will take you inside of Spotify, where you can give a monthly contribution as little as 99 cents. Just wanted to throw that out there. If you want to support the pod, there is a way. Love you so much. Let's get back to the episode. All right, so what I want to do with this episode or the remainder of our time here is actually just do some girl talk with you. I pulled you guys a couple hours ago and got a bunch of responses on what we should talk about. And I figure I'll just go through some of the submissions here. Now, I will say that a lot of these are repeats, so it might not be exactly what was submitted, but it's very similar. Or it is exactly what was submitted for podcast topics, and I've already covered those. So if you're listening to this right now, and it's May 29th, I think a lot of you guys listen, like, right when the episodes come out. If you go on my Instagram stories, I have reposted, like, the submission of the podcast topic request and then the corresponding episode that I think already answers that question or that topic. And I think I did, like, six or seven of those. So you can go look at those. All right, let's scroll through here. Let's just say, okay, first one. Celibate dating. How to bring it up to a guy and how you knew you wanted to do it. Date that way. So I sort of answered this in the Dating God's Way episode. But for me, how I knew I wanted to do this now is because, quite honestly, I've done everything but that. Oh, I feel convicted right now. Someone needs to hear this. Oof. I feel this so hard. You guys know that I'm. I have, like, a vulnerability to a fault, meaning I'm okay, like, just spilling my guts on here and on the Internet and just feeling comfortable with that. I've done everything. I have basically lived with a partner. I've never signed a lease, but I had a partner through Covid and Beyond who was basically living at my house. And when I say that, I don't just mean, like, they were staying over and we were doing the whole thing. We were playing house. Like, I did the laundry, I cooked. He was over five to six nights. Out of seven, I was dramatically and hopelessly in love and it didn't work out. And I have found that I have certain patterns in relationships, meaning that I want to provide and prove value upfront so that in return I am loved the way that I want to be loved. And I'm finding for myself that it doesn't work that way. It actually needs to work in reverse. So all that to say, I'm 31, I'm single, I want to find my person, I want to be married. And everything I've done up until this point has led me here. Meaning the having sex, the playing house, the bending on my boundaries, the molding to be more like what I think my partner would be attracted to or want has led me here alone, single. So I decided that I needed to change, I needed to change the way I went about this. I also realized that a lot of my patterns had to do with a really limiting deep belief about myself, deep, deep, deep, deep down that I wasn't deserving of those things that also manifested forward in other ways, physically as well. I've, this is going on, but I have talked a little bit about this. I've been self conscious about how fair my skin is. And so I've been self tanning for the last like 10 years, like hardcore. Like my friend saw my natural skin for the first time the other day and she's like, whoa. But anyway, I would do that because I believed that I was more attractive when I changed everything about myself. I did some work, you know, some deep work. And that was the limiting belief that I came up with. I'm only attractive when I change everything about myself. And so that came out physically with the tanning and the, you know, looking a certain way and wearing certain clothes and blah, blah, blah. So the last couple months I've really stopped that as well and just really, really relaxing and sitting in who I am, what I look like, you know, all of that. And it's the same vein when it comes to relationships. Molding myself into a version of who I think they'll want and doing the things that I think will make them want me. And I'm just done, I'm done doing that. I, I, that's, so that's the long winded answer, I guess, of why I want to celibate, date and you know, with my faith, the Bible, this is all in the episode of dating God's way. But there's so many deeper reasons that I resonate with, with what sex is and what it's for that I Didn't know before. And even when I did know, I didn't fully understand until now. So you can go listen to that if you're interested. The second part of this is how to bring it up to a guy. I think part of that, what needs to be answered here is how and when to bring it up. So a lot of people who might not be as, I don't even know what the word is, maybe not similar minded as me would say something along the lines of, oh, well, you should bring that up right out of the gate because, like, why would he waste his time? As a very worldly, very surface level answer, I think that that information needs to be earned. So am I gonna get six months in and only tell someone when they're like, you know, getting a little handsy? No, but on a first date I'm probably not going to be like, hi, I'm Danielle and I'm celibate because number one, it's not earned yet. That's an intimate detail of my life that needs to be earned. And it sells the situation short because I feel like my celibacy number one might be irrelevant because we might not even be a good match. And then I've. If I disclose that really, really quickly without it being earned, then I've just shared something about myself that's vulnerable, that I didn't need to. It's like telling someone like about your childhood stuff or, you know, just talking about things way too soon. I don't think it's appropriate to just like do it immediately. But I think that it is something, a topic of conversation at the right time, how to bring it up. I, I feel like it is something that will naturally come up just in conversation. There are a lot of different ways. So for example, when someone's like, you know, maybe you're on your third or fourth date, I don't, and I'm not giving a specific time, I trust your judgment of when for that situation it would be appropriate to bring it up. But certain questions, like how do you envision a relationship? What's important to you? All of that, I feel like those questions that are always talked about lead to that path. So like, if I got, you know, if I started to see someone who I was interested in and it got to the right time and we talked a little bit more about like what we envision or what we want for a relationship, that would be, I would say something along the lines of, you know, I really want a partner who's super supportive. It's important to me that we share our faith. I, you know, I would bring up the celibacy thing. Just saying I really believe in cultivating the relationship itself as two people getting to know each other rather than getting physicality involved because it, like, muddies the waters. And just for what I believe, like, that should be reserved for a special, you know, time. So living together with a partner or, you know, the sexual aspect isn't something that I envision for a relationship because it's too soon. So that's kind of how I would word that or how I would bring it up. It's just at the right time, when it's appropriate, which is up to your discernment and just based on the specific conversations and questions that are coming up naturally. I hope that made sense. All right, the next topic was friend breakups, and I did post this on my story recap of past episodes. And it was another girl talk episode when I'm with two of my girlfriends. And it was only, you know, one subject that we covered in the podcast. But the first thing that I want to talk about when it comes to friend breakups or like, growing farther and farther away from your friends is that it's okay. It doesn't feel okay when it's happening, but it is okay. And it's for a purpose. It's always for a purpose, and God will definitely use it. When I graduated and, you know, after college started a job was starting to, like, be an adult and live an adult life, all of my college friends went somewhere else. They, like, moved home. They moved somewhere else, SoCal, whatever. I had one friend. I also wasn't really a great friend in general. Like, I had to learn how to be a good friend. But I had one friend, and bless her heart. Shout out Meg, if you're listening. She made so much time for me, and I. My anxious attachment tendencies, like, spilled over to her, and she was just such a blessing for me. But I had one friend, and then I always say his name. Then I started dating someone. My, my. My big relationship. I dated him and basically didn't really have any friends. Like, I did, but I didn't, like, you know what I mean, one of those situations. And I had to learn from there how to, like, rebuild. And that's what I want to get to is it's always an opportunity to rebuild a community around you. Regardless of the circumstance that happened with you and your old friend or friends. You are not meant or required to be friends with the same people forever. And in fact, as the popular saying goes, some people are seasonal Some people are for a certain situation and some people are lifetime. But there aren't going to be a lot of lifers. Okay? And I find that my lifers actually go in different phases. I would say the relationship is not always the same as it is in one phase of life as it is in another. So the people, I still have really close friends from kindergarten that I would definitely enjoy spending time with. But we maybe see each other once a year, you know, and, and so just give yourself grace that whether it's just you growing apart or maybe, you know, an altercation happened or disagreement, and you know, that it just can't be reconciled. It's. It's something. Life is pushing you forward. So if you're able to adopt that mindset, life is pushing you forward. Now, when you get to the other side of making new friends, you cannot bring the baggage or hurt if that was sort of a rocky situation into your new friendships. What I mean by this is if your friend betrayed you in some way, you need to process that so that it doesn't affect the relationship that you're trying to build with someone else. If you're not able to do that, that would be your first, you know, thing to work on. And what I want to focus more on here, the short answer of friend breakups and talking about that is that it's going to happen. Whether it's going to be like I said from something that was a whole situation or it's just like growing apart, it will happen. It's an inevitability of life. But what's more important here is when you are propelled forward by this happening in life. Listen to the how to Make Friends as an Adult podcast episode that I came out with and use that as your guide. I swear to you, if you employ what I said and how I said it, you will build an entire community around you. Okay. All right, next topic. Hosting friend dinners, hosting tips, themes, anything fun. I love this topic. I love to host. I think just off the top of my head, some things I've learned about hosting is that 30% of the people that you invite will either not show up or cancel day of. So always overbook. For example, if you want to have a dinner party and you have five seats at your table, you want to book, I would say six to seven guests because one to two of them will bail or just not show up. Okay, I have a little bit larger of dinner parties. I have a 10 person table specifically for that reason. And it always happens. And then I've had a couple of parties at my house and unfortunately I was so triggered by this. On my birthday this last year I had like 30 confirmed guests and literally I think 12 showed up. I was so bummed. So that was an extreme case. But so that I love getting inspiration from. I mean now Instagram but used to be TikTok about different themes and party ideas or even activities. So you can search girls night in, you can search dinner party themes, that kind of thing and gets you lots of lots of inspo hosting tips. There are a couple things that I have learned really really help. Number one, clean the table and set the table the night before. Number two, have a playlist ready before your guests get there and have it playing like maybe 15 minutes before arrival time so that you don't have to worry about like shuffling in awkward silence to put music on. Always have a space by your door hooks or otherwise for guests to put coats and bags on. If you're a shoes off household, have a space for shoes by your door. Something that I thought was a nice touch. I did this for Christmas, I believe. I don't remember what they. I think it was Christmas. I made little like goodie bags for my friends, but I actually used an actual purse and it doesn't have to be expensive. I went to like TJ Maxx or something and bought like little purses that I thought reflected each of their personalities and I stuffed them with like little goodies. So that was a kind of fun thing that I did. What else? If you can text people two to three weeks in advance to plan more of the like a formal event. So if it's important to you and it's not just like a hey, you guys want to come over for dinner? You want to have an actual dinner party or a themed party or whatever it is an activity that you're doing. People are busy. So if you're always texting one week in advance or maybe a week and a half, it's not enough time. But usually two to three weeks is good. Definitely a month in advance. If you do a month in advance, you need to follow up either on a weekly or bi weekly basis and just quick text, hey, can't wait to see you on the 4th. Whatever. I think that's it. I feel lonely. Thank you for your account and your podcast. You guys. I get these kind of messages a lot and I just want to say I really appreciate them. I want to take. I wish I had a way to search for all these like kind messages that you guys have sent me because I want to make Art out of it and just keep it in my house. Like, I have these frames, and I want to just do a whole bunch of screenshots of, like, nice messages that you guys have sent me and just put them in a big collage and put them as art in my house because it. I thought that would be a cool way to, like, remind myself of purpose and stuff. So. Okay, let's see. How do you manage the pressure to be single? For me, it gives me anxiety. I've never had felt pressure being single. I've felt lonely being single, and I think that's. That's a normal thing. I think the reason I haven't felt pressure is because I've really taken the responsibility of cultivating my dream life seriously and knowing that it's my responsibility right now in this season of singleness, to truly live and embody the men that. I'm sorry. Live and embody the person that God meant me for me to be. And so, actually, I've been feeling kind of opposite lately in that I felt pretty blessed to not have been given what I thought I wanted to receive. And what I mean by that is, five years ago, if you would have asked me where I wanted to be right now, tonight in this moment, I would have told you at 30, I would have wanted to be married, definitely, and either be pregnant, have my first child, or having that happen really soon. And I think about this more and more often with how much my dreams, my literal dreams, and my purpose is unfolding right in front of my eyes, and I'm just grabbing it and running after my dreams. I would not have any of this. I wouldn't be doing any of this if I had gotten that. And that's so powerful. I've said this before, but I. I've thought about this a lot. I feel like God has told me, danielle, I'm gonna deliver the desires of your heart. But if I had given you that one first, you wouldn't have this. And he wants me to do this first. So that knowing has really helped me not feel pressure. But there is. There is a loneliness I have felt lately. You know, I have a good friend, and she's in this wonderful relationship, and I absolutely love him. And they are so kind and include me in a lot. And we go on dates and stuff, and I just, like, join their dates. But, you know, when I'm leaving that and I'm going home alone, you know, there is that feeling of I wish I was going home to someone, you know? But then I think I have this whole bed to myself. And I get to be autonomous over my decisions and I don't have to consider literally anyone else in my decisions in every aspect of my life. And that is such a blessing because when I get the desires of my heart to be married and have a family, that's not the case anymore. That's not what you can do. So all those things help me with more of the negative side of being single. Okay. Your SF journey and how being single when you find yourself. I don't understand that. Maybe there's a part two. I don't really understand that. One, getting back with an ax. You know, I think I have a little bit of bias here and I'm a little bit, my heart is a little bit hardened. Not that I've had a negative experience from doing this, because I haven't. Not really. I just don't really believe it's a good idea. However, the influencer that I mentioned at the beginning of this podcast, Peyton Sartin, has just done this and actually has a full blown episode about that topic, which I listen to in really respect. So I think it's situational. I think, you know, some of the things that she said were the things and the reasons why you broke up in the first place need to not only be talked about, but understood from both parties why it's different now and how it's going to continue to be different and how you'll move forward from this. If you're just getting back together because you love each other and all the feelings that you had, I don't think that's good enough because all of the same problems and issues are going to arise. I also think something that's important is that boundaries very aggressively are talked about, meaning all the reasons it didn't work out the first time that you broke up, whether it was trust, cheating, effort, what are reasons people break up, difference in opinion, lifestyles, whatever it is, the non negotiables when it comes to those things need to be talked about. For example, if trust was a huge issue, maybe with or without reason, regardless, whatever the situation was, maybe one partner is saying, trust is still an issue for me and if we were to do this, we would need to go to therapy to work on that. But you know what I mean, you couldn't just be like, trust is still an issue, so you're going to have to earn that back. Yes, that's true. But what are you actually doing about it together? You know, that's kind of what I think about that. I would also say that I'm not an expert in your situation, so. But you know who probably is an expert, maybe more than you, is all the people around you. What I mean by this is I would talk to your closest friends and your family. They're usually the best red or green flag indicators. As much as we hate that, if everyone around you is telling you it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea. Usually the simplest answer is, is pretty accurate on things like that. Okay, the new generation of men, how men are different today from previous generations. You know, I'm going to talk about this from what I understand about men, from my perspective. We got really good insight from Dice on four different episodes talking, you know, male to female, different, you know, topics on, on that. So you can go back and listen to those. But some things I've been thinking about are, number one, men have been exposed to multiple things that are working against them. So first, they have a lot available at their fingertips, but nothing that's actually going to benefit them. For example, they can open up social media or otherwise use your imagination and have access to view and even message or communicate with noting here, probably without response, a bunch of women and just like fantasize and obvious and you know where I'm getting at. There's also porn and all these negative things, but none of that is actually helping men, which is really important to note from the female perspective. So they have that. In addition to that, something me and Dice talked about is there has been a dying, not just, not of, not purely chivalry, but the interaction, social interaction of male to female, female to male. We're not interacting as much anymore. So those two things coupled together make for a different type of male behavior. Whereas men used to, like in the 50s, they'd see a, you know, woman that they're attracted to, they want to talk to, they would talk to her because they didn't have everything. They weren't so distracted with what was in their hand. And, and, and women. This isn't just on men, but we talked about this too. Women haven't been dropping the handkerchief, meaning giving opportunity. We've lost the social connection between men and women. And really the interaction between men and women is driven from women. A lot of women don't want to acknowledge that, but we are the ones that give signals in order to, oh, yes, it's okay to come over here and talk to me. Yes, I'm looking at you. Yes, I'm smiling at you. Giving the signal for them to then step up into their, like, male behavior, male action. Male, you know, so the good news is that we can help. Listen to the how to get hit on by Men. I think it's episode two. I don't know if this is what that question was asking, but that's kind of where my brain went. Okay. The other thing about how men are different today is I, I think this is so hard to say as a woman because I'm not a man. I'm not in a man's brain. But what I perceive about what's happening with everything I just said is I think there's an. A subconscious belief. This is so harsh of me to say. I don't even think they know they're stuck in the Matrix. Like Dice talked about it. He's like, if we compare hinges right now you probably have a book. And I, you know, that's not the case for men. So while there's all these quote unquote options in terms of men filling their eye and their mind with women, the viability of actual real life interactions with women is not the same. Meaning they can fill their mind and their phone and their screen and their eyeballs with women all they want, but in terms of how many dates they're going to go on, how many conversations they'll actually have with women in real life, those two things are not aligned at all. And I don't think that. Just like how most of this generation is addicted to social media and you find yourself opening your phone without even thinking about it. I don't even think men know that they're stuck in this wheel. It's like, oh, she's cute, but I don't know if I'm getting any signals. So I'll just like, look at this, you know, I don't know. I don't know how to describe what I'm. What I'm thinking, but I hope that makes sense. Sort of like how none of us are really aware of how addicted we are to all of the different social media platforms and stuff. And we probably won't know until there are studies published a decade, 20, 30 years from now. Okay, I'm gonna answer one more. Last one. The person just wrote intimacy. So I'm just gonna take the liberty of talking about the topic of intimacy. So obviously, intimacy, we think physicality, which is true, that is intimate. But I think something that I wish I knew younger is that information is one of the biggest forms of intimacy. That's kind of what I was talking about earlier, about when you should tell a man that you're celibate. Information is, is Everything. Who you are, the way you act, what you say, what your life involves, who's important to you, your experiences, your trauma, your proudest moments, what brings you joy. All of that is very intimate, your very essence. That's the combination of all this information, that is intimacy. I have a tendency to overshare, as you probably know, based on listening to this and following me on social media. But I, a lot of times I get a ping, pang, ping of I don't want to say guilt, but like I just over shared, like I almost do it. And what I mean by this is I have no problem doing it on the Internet. I have a problem when it's not called for in a personal setting. For example, if I share too much information on a first or second or third date, or you know, I make a new friend and maybe something that isn't appropriate to be talked about yet is talked about. And I think this all works hand in hand with the way that I want to date in that everything needs to be earned and that includes my informational intimacy. So in order to get to know me, that person has to put effort forward. Not just in making dates happen, but in asking me the right questions. I'm not just going to volunteer information about myself forward. And even when those questions are asked, I'm going to have discernment to understand whether right now is the appropriate time or if that information is earned. There's nothing wrong with you giving a true answer to certain questions that isn't giving full information that's kind of really subjective to what the question is. But I hope you know what I'm saying in that you can give a shorter answer or an abridged answer or even say, you know, I don't really share about that this quickly, but I'd love to, you know, if we continue to see each other like talk about that at a later time, there's nothing wrong with that. And actually boundaries like that are extremely hot. Like when someone has boundaries and they're not just like willingly giving everything forward, it's subconsciously very attractive because your mind says the subconscious mind of the other person goes, oh, this needs to be worked for. And it's the same way as like physical intimacy by the way, as well. It's actually the same way for everything. Time, information, physical intimacy, attention, whenever, when something needs to be earned and there's actually a situation where a boundary is established or communicated, doesn't have to be aggressive, the subconscious mind goes, the value of this thing, whatever it is, is higher because I have to work for it. All right guys, it is way later, way past my bedtime and I gotta go to bed. I hope you enjoyed this episode. As always. I'm so grateful for you and I will catch you in the next one. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. By.