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Hello and welcome to who is she? A podcast Sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hey guys. I'm so happy to be in your ears or in your cars or wherever you're listening to this. I have kind of decided that I am not gonna do a video episode just because I'm still figuring that out. And I wanted to get an episode out and putting a camera on me for long form content right now didn't feel like it was gonna work. But I. This topic got put in my mind this week. Really heavy and it's kind of perfect timing. We have a lot of new people on my socials as of lately because of the dating reels and TikToks that I'm sharing. And so I wanted to also get this out because it's kind of on the same strand. So the topic today is going to be the red flags that I've walked through so that you don't have to and bonus green flags I've learned to look for as I've gotten older. So that's what we're going to talk about today. I figure we'll jump right into it. So I'm gonna go through, I've taken some notes here, the red flags that I have personally, personally experienced either in relationships, people I'm dating, people I consider dating, you know, all the way throughout the spectrum and have learned the hard way literally for each of these. Nothing that I'm gonna speak about on this red flags list is something that I have not experienced. Every single thing on this list I've experienced. And so I'm going to give you my personal opinion on these red flags, what they mean, why it's important to pay attention to them. And if you can. I know because I didn't listen to, you know, advice from people around me. But if you consider me as like a big sister figure, if you can learn just from me versus doing it yourself, that's the whole point of this episode. So number one, first red flag, and this is super juicy because I feel like this is actually coming to light over the last year or so that we didn't even think about. But number one is not actually liking you. Someone that you're dating, someone in a relationship with, someone you're married to not actually liking you. So what does this mean? This basically means that this person is in some sort of situation with you, whether it be a relationship, marriage, talking to you, whatever, but they don't really like you as a person. And what that means is that they are using you as a role to fill for selfish purposes, for, you know, benefits to them, but not really a care to show up for you. And a lot of what I'm going to go through for the rest of the red flags here are indicators that someone doesn't actually like you. And I want to come forward with this a little bit deeper because I don't like. When I was in college, this wasn't even something that was talked about. When you were in a relationship, it was assumed that you guys like each other. But in fact, and this is what I learned over the last year, a lot of men actually don't really like their partners. It just makes sense to be with them, but then that manifests forward in how they behave in the relationship. So, like, if they constantly say you're nagging and it's because there are issues that need to be addressed and they keep not getting addressed, someone who actually likes you would probably care to be equally yoked with you to. To work on those issues rather than just saying you're complaining. So because there's a lack of care there about whatever issue it is or, you know, whatever. It's just that they don't actually like you. And it still blows my mind. There was some sort of. There was like a TikTok that went viral about, like, men not liking their girlfriends. And I was like. My mind was blown. I was like, how? How? Because as a woman, we would never agree to enter into a relationship. I'm speaking collectively here, but I think this is accurate. A woman most times would not actively sign on to a relationship if they didn't like the person that they were with or think that they liked the person that they were with anyway. So that's number one. And a lot of the other ones are going to come forward to provide backup for that not actually liking you. And I have experienced this because basically it was a situation where we had agreed for commitment and then there was like, absolutely no showing up for me. Like, yes, you're my girlfriend, but I'm not gonna, like, show up for you. Emotionally, physically, like nothing. And to me, it was a very. It took me some time, but I was like, oh, deep down, whether consciously or probably subconsciously, he doesn't actually like me. So that's A problem. All right, that's number one. Number two, and this is, you know, this is my podcast and my opinion, but for me, I wrote down not Christian. Now, this can be applied for to whatever spiritual practice or faith that you have. But what's so important about this, people see this from a religious aspect. And I always try to make a distinction between religion and faith spirituality, because religion is the human element that people have put on top of faith or spirituality. It's the rules. It's the things that you should or should not do if you are Christian or whatever, you know, whatever faith you have. And when I say not Christian or, you know, if you're not Christian, maybe not aligning with you in what you believe, it's not because he has to believe the same thing as me, because he should. And just from, you know, the surface level of, you know, you hear like, people from certain faiths can't marry people from other certain, like, faiths because, you know, just like this huge thing with the family and it just won't work. The real reason or what I believe here is because the way that we see the world doesn't align. There are things that I believe that are outlined in the Bible that go against my flesh, go against my nature, what I would naturally revert to. And so my faith is something that guides my decisions or I try to, I do my best. But if we don't have the same directions, how are we supposed to go to the same place? And this comes forward in general with, you know, I just went on a date with or a couple dates with someone that I really, really liked and we're actually friends now, which is cool, but it came up early, is that we don't align on faith. And it'll come forward in more positive ways. I would say, like how you want to raise your kids and what you want your day to day life, life to look like, but also will come up in negative ways in how you fight, the way that you have disagreements, certain roles that you believe that you should play, even coming down to purpose and design. So for me, for example, I believe that God made me a certain way, and I am. I think the thing that's been driving me so hard for the last couple years is figuring out and walking out my purpose. Whereas someone who maybe doesn't believe that there is a God who designed you very specifically might not have the same fire in terms of going for purpose and might just be okay going through the motions of life and doing, you know, working the same job that they don't really like, but, you know, makes money and then, you know, going from work to home and then, you know, kind of starting the cycle over and over again and not really ever seeking out what they were made for. And so those two things don't align, but also how they see me. So if I'm on fire for walking out my purpose and how I believe God designed me, there may be a lack of respect there because they don't believe that there was a designer. That's a word. So number two for me is not Christian or apply this forward to like, what you believe. You know, has it worked before? For other people, yes. But for me, that's. That's a red flag that I've walked through. You know, I was in a relationship with someone who I honestly don't really understand what they believed in. I think I would. I would probably qualify it as atheist, but I'm still not really sure. And it absolutely didn't work for all the reasons that I just described. Okay, number three, red flag is getting physical or allowing physicality way too early. So this is also something that I have experienced and have played an equal part in. But in my opinion, it is the man's job to lead. Okay. And yes, like I said, there's a shared responsibility in the journey of following the guidelines that you have set for yourself in terms of physicality or how soon you want to be physical with someone. But in my opinion, even if the woman is getting like handsy or asking for physicality and saying that she wants to move forward, but she's already expressed, you know, being celibate or waiting for a certain amount of time, whatever that means for you, is important to her. But then the man is just willing to go in for it. It means that he isn't considering what's going to come next, which is the responsibility that comes from the physicality. Neither of you are. But what I'm saying is from a man to a woman, I want to be led. And where I fail, this is a strength component that I believe a man should have. Is that strength, is that discipline is helping you in ways that maybe you might be weak. And yes, I don't want to get flack from this of like. Well, if you're instigating it, how is he supposed to say no, I understand that, but I'm just saying from what I believe, from a dynamics perspective, it doesn't work because then we know that women bond way more than men when it comes to physicality. And actually the opposite, where men also have sometimes a Sense of detachment after physicality. And so it almost indicates either that they're not even thinking about this or that they're okay with kind of going forward with this and then potentially feeling a sense of detachment from you where it's pretty common knowledge that the woman is probably going to get attached. And the fact that they're okay with that is a sense of not protecting you. That's just my opinion. And I put a note here, again, just my opinion, I said puts only the woman in a vulnerable position because of, like, the emotional aspect afterwards. It's just there's so much responsibility that's tied to physicality, in my opinion. And I. I learned this the hard way. And I. It was not too long ago, if I'm being honest, which is why I am now celibate. So, yeah, that's number three. Number four is being fresh out of a relationship or fresh out of a marriage, respectively, whatever that time frame is. And we all know the like, he needs to heal line. And we. I think we understand that. But the second place I'm going to go is the problem with this is that he's using you as a filler when he hasn't had enough time, even if he's healed. Let's say he actually did go to therapy or maybe this, you know, past relationship had been dying for a long time. And this is actually a very positive thing. So even if he has healed, quote unquote, but he hasn't had enough sheer time since the last relationship, it's using the woman as something to make him feel good in the short term without necessarily seeing the long term. And when I think about this, I try to, like, put myself in. There's been two pretty prevalent experiences I've had with this one was in a relationship and we had gotten together like quickly after that, which I was definitely used as a filler to make him feel good. And then what ended up happening is like he love bombed me and then felt good for, you know, the filler that I was. And then he was done with me because he didn't actually see me long term, which is exactly what I'm saying. So that's the fresh out of the relationship. The next one is a consistent flaker. So when they flake out on things and can't show up. I have experienced this way too much. And not to, like, gaslight myself, but I think that there's a level of responsibility in how I allow people to treat me because at a certain point, and in my opinion, maybe twice that thing is done like, if you don't show up for me because you just don't care, there's not, like, a huge excuse or whatever, and you're just like, then. Then what are we doing here? You know? So my story here, and this was so long ago, so I can talk about it, is I had a boyfriend in college, and I only. I had two boyfriends in college. One was, like, someone from, like, right after high school. We were only together for a little bit of, like. Like, the first half of the college, freshman year. Then we broke up, and then I was single, and then I got into a relationship that I was in throughout the entirety of college. So the next four. Four years, because I took a little bit longer in college, and then shortly after, until he dumped me. But he. We. I'm not gonna say he. We were terrible for different reasons. Basically, he was incapable. There was a lot of stuff that he was dealing with that, like, had we had any awareness when I was coming up in college about, you know, therapy and emotional trauma from your childhood and, you know, all that kind of stuff and how that manifests forward. Had we had any of that, maybe things would have been different. But I would say, like, right after college is when, like, the huge therapy conversation started in general. Like, it being popular on social media, which is great, but we didn't really have it, is what I'm saying. So, anyway, there'd be events, There'd be things, you know, showing up. I was on a sorority, so coming over for dinner at the sorority house, which meant there was going to be a ton of sorority girls around, which you would think would be a great thing, but it was just, like, the most stressful thing. Didn't want to do it, couldn't. Whatever. So I would beg for him to come over for dinner. And the couple times that I. I think he had only come over, like, once or twice for this, and. And mind you, this is me in college, okay? So. But just take that with a grain of salt. I was at his house every night. Not exaggerating. Like, I would leave the sorority house, and I would go sleep over at his house every night. But getting him to come to my house was like pulling teeth. And so what would happen is there'd be something, you know, an event that I wanted him to come over for. Or he did this to me on Thanksgiving, too, with my family. But he would call me. Or actually, I think more times I'd probably call him to be like, where are you? What's the update? Are you coming yet? And he would be like, babe. And he. And I knew from the moment he said that, like, he was trying to get out of it, and I was. And I would have to, like, negotiate with him to show up for me, which even now, talking about it just grosses me out. So if someone is at that level where they're totally down for you showing up for them and being around their friends and coming to their events or even just coming over to whatever your relationship is, spend the night or be in their environment, but it's, like, the worst thing in the world to even think or ask them to return the notion. I won't even say favor because it's not a favor. It's, you know, equally being invested. That's a huge red flag. And it also indicates that you're a filler. It. They only want you for the things that they benefit from. But if it makes them, I don't even want to say uncomfortable, because being around your friends shouldn't make them uncomfortable. But if they don't directly benefit in their mind from the thing that you're asking them to do and they are flaking because of that, it indicates that you're a filler. And it just means that he doesn't actually care about showing up for you or what's most important to you. So in my book, this took a long time, and I'm embarrassed to say this took, like, literally 10 years to develop. And even as of. What year is it? Could it have been 20? Was I in a relationship last year? I can't even remember. I can't. It's 20, 23. Even as of last year, it took me forever to. Took me six months to, like, stop a situation that's, you know, walking through, like, the flaky thing. And so now what I feel like I've gotten good at is, like, if you can't show up for me, if something happens, fine. I'm understanding. I hope it's okay. You know, things happen, emergencies happen, but emergencies can't be happening every single time that I need you. You know what I'm saying? And if that's the case, and then if everything turns into an emergency, which means that he just believes that, like, whatever he has going on is more important to him and also that he sees the things that are happening in his life and the things that are happening in your life as completely separate. And that's a huge issue, because the person that you want to be with actually considers. Actually wants for the things in their life and the things in your life to be the same. Like Crossover, you know, all right, the next one is a gaslighter. The we all know the whole gaslighting thing, it's been very prevalent in the last couple years. But I want to be really clear on what actual gaslighting is because I feel like sometimes it gets pushed a little bit too much when it actually isn't gaslighting. It's just someone not liking something that happened. So the definition of gaslighting is that it's a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power or control over the person by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition. And some examples of gaslighting are questioning someone's memory, refusing to listen, or faking confusion to make someone doubt themselves, belittling or disregarding someone else's feelings, refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Which is the one that I'm going to talk about. Changing the focus of discussions by questioning someone's credibility and using negative stereotypes against someone. So have you ever wanted to talk through something that's bothering you with your significant other and you come out the other end of it apologizing for reacting to their poor behavior of what you wanted to talk about in the beginning? That is the definition of. Of gaslighting. Someone reacting to your reaction to their actions and making the conversation about that versus actually honoring what's bothering you and talking through what started the conversation in the first place. That was kind of a mouthful. So I'm going to like, give you an example just in case. So an example is like, I didn't like that you showed up an hour late. I value my time and it doesn't feel like you do. And I feel disrespected. And you make that, you know, that plea, that statement, that you know, vulnerable thing of like, hey, you did this and I didn't like it and that's how it made me feel. And basically, please don't do that. And that conversation actually turns into, you're always nagging and stressing me out with little stuff. I told you what I was doing and why I would be late. Now I feel anxious and disrespected for all the things that I actually do do. Like, do you not actually care or respect that I do show up for you in these other ways and blah, blah, blah. And that makes me feel so anxious because there's so much pressure. And then you end up being like, well, I don't want to make you anxious. And I'm sorry. Like, let's just calm down. I just. You see what I mean? Like, the issue is that they showed up an hour late, not that them showing up an hour late, you being not okay with that makes them anxious. You know what I mean? Those two are not the same thing. And I've had multiple relationships where this happens every time. And this is also, in my opinion, why conversations that should take five minutes take three hours. And also something I'm going to keep in mind for myself is, like, just holistically with everything that we're talking about here is, like, if you're making a request or you're expressing how something someone else did made you feel and they can't stay on topic, that's actually gonna come soon in our red flags here. But, like, that's an indicator that, like, they can't take responsibility. And so it just. It. It puts up a wall of you never really being understood, you never really being able to be cared for, because it's not about you, it's about them. So, yeah. Hi, guys. I wanted to take a quick break and let you know that there is actually a way that you can support this pod if you feel so inclined, if you've been blessed, if you feel like you get value from this podcast and you do feel like you want to give back. If you go to any episode and you go to the show Notes, so you scroll down, you'll see a little thing that says, see more, and under that, it will say, support this podcast. There will be a link where it will take you inside of Spotify, where you can give a monthly contribution as little as 99 cents. Just wanted to throw that out there. If you want to support the pod, there is a way. Love you so much. Let's get back to the episode. All right, the next red flag is breadcrumber. And breadcrumber is a relatively new term, and I didn't know about it until my last relationship, and I didn't know about it, which would have been, like, last year. Okay, so we're going to talk about the definition, and we're going to talk about how this actually practically can happen. So the definition, breadcrumbing, also called Hansel and greteling, which I haven't heard, is a colloquial term used to characterize the practice of. Of sporadically feigning interest in another person in order to keep them interested despite a true lack of investment in the relationship. So basically giving you just enough to keep you around to have you as a place filler instead of actually investing in relationship or interaction or care for you. And what I want to specifically talk, talk about is weaned breadcrumbing. So the whole just enough thing, it doesn't have to just be like sporadic texts or sometimes showing up for you, or sometimes asking you out and then like not showing up. What I have experienced is actually when someone commits to you and then gives you less and less, just enough to keep you around, but isn't actually showing up for the relationship. The problem with this is that it usually starts with like some form of love bombing, which we're going to next, and then they sort of retract, and then they retract, and then they retract. And what it does is it sends your. The chemicals in your brain crazy, like your dopamine, your serotonin. All that is just like through the roof and like going crazy up and down, up and down, because you're used to one thing and now it has been taken away and you're like, well, what's wrong? Let me pull forward, Let me, you know, so it sends you in the spiral. And so it's just a terrible process in general. But like many of these other red flags, the real issue here is the reason that the breadcrumbing is happening is because they don't actually like you. If they liked you, think about someone that you, like, had a huge crush on or, you know, you really, really loved, you probably wanted to be around them and show up for them and do nice things, things for them all the time. At least that's how I feel. But if someone is only doing enough to keep you around, and usually it's like weaned, meaning, like less and less and less, it's basically doing as minimal work as possible just so that they know that they have you, which doesn't really satisfy anything other than their ego, you know. So in the last year, I have gotten a lot better at this because I had an experience where this was really, really bad. And it took me a while to get out of it. But then, you know, I had another experience. Not with someone that I was in a relationship with, but just dating, where I felt a shift. I felt them be amazing. And then like, all of a sudden they weren't. And instead of waiting and waiting and waiting, waiting, I was like, hey, I noticed a shift here. What's going on? And just like, let them go. And then, you know, it was sort of like a. Well, I don't really know what I want. Blah, blah, Blah. So I was like, okay. And I think I literally said, well, I can't wait around for you to figure it out, so I wish you the best. Like, especially if this is a dating situation, I can't express to you how many men would kill to go out with you. Like, they would just absolutely die to take you to dinner. And don't sit there and say, well, not me. Like, I'm not pretty. Like the, you know, the rest of the. The girls, like, I'm lucky to have. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I saw something and total love to them. I'm saying this in the most respect and love. I'm just saying it to make a point because I heard it and it really made sense to me. I don't know where I heard it. But to combat the whole, well, I'm just lucky to have, you know, this guy because, you know, I don't think I can get another one or there really aren't that many guys that, you know, would be interested in going out with me and totally discrediting that. Someone said, you know, on those shows, that's like my Thousand Pound Life. I don't remember what the show is called, but it's basically people who are really, really obese and like, to the point of almost dying. They always have partners. It doesn't matter what you look like. It doesn't matter. You know, it actually does matter. Your personality, like, all the things that make you uniquely you, even if you're self conscious about them, are the exact reasons someone's gonna like you. So this lie that you know, okay, well, if I was prettier, maybe I would understand that you need to, like, send that down to the pits of hell, because that's a lie. And the center. The sooner you believe it, I'm telling you, when you start to actually believe this, things turn around. Like, guys will be lined up for you. So kind of, kind of went on a tangent there. Never keep someone around who's breadcrumbing you, landing this plane, who's breadcrumbing you, because you don't believe that you can get anything better because that's a lie. You can and you will, and you're only doing yourself a favor because this person is showing you by breadcrumbing you that they're not actually invested in actually having a relationship with you. And you'll never actually be happy because the result of breadcrumbing is always unhappiness. It's not like they're going to turn around and revert back to the way that they used to be. It's never like that. If they start a pattern of weaning away or pulling away and giving you less and less and less and less, you think they're going to turn around and be magical? No, they're showing you that they want this direction, which is to give you less and less. And we're not okay with that. Okay, I had a note. Again, this is a sign that they don't actually like you. They use you only for the parts they want, and then they don't show up for you in ways that don't benefit them. Okay, next one. Constant contact, AKA love bombing. So I used to be a huge sucker for this. Okay. And honestly, I probably still have a trigger. Like, I probably still have, like, if someone gets excited about me and I like them, someone gets excited about me and I have no investment, which I have gotten better at. I used to just get excited about, you know, starting to talk to someone new and just be like, oh my gosh, he texted me. I have really, really trained my limerence and anxious attachment to not get excited before I actually know someone. So that's the first step. The second step, which I'm still working on, is when I actually get to know someone. Not getting overly excited and overly attached and falling into love bombing. If you want to learn more about what limerence is, I have an entire episode on it. And it's basically like developing an unhealthy obsession with someone in your mind and writing stories for some someone and putting dots together that don't exist and just have being. Having an unhealthy obsession with someone without the actual proper information to back it up. And it usually happens like before and right at the beginning of a relationship, but it can happen between two people of any sorts. So anyway, I have an episode on that. But the reason we all know this, that we fall for the love bombing or we like the constant contact. If you like it, because some people don't, which I envy because that's like a really easy way to avoid this kind of stuff. But if you fall into this bucket of, like, liking being contacted a lot and texting a lot, it's because it feels good. But the problem is that it's fabricated. It's coming up with a fairy tale outside of what's actually happening in reality. And it's almost like, like I said, connecting dots that haven't been established yet because you don't actually know each other yet. And the problem is underlying and what that actually means. Because the tactic of Love bombing is really a way to fabricate a feeling to feed ego because it's fabricated, so it falls flat. It's not real. It just feels good to have someone want you and having someone reciprocate that, but it's not real because how can you want someone that you don't actually know you know? So the problem is the underlying fabrication will make it fall flat. And that person isn't really there for you and doesn't support you in actuality. And it's all just theoretical, theoretical story that you're writing. So that's a red flag. And I think out of all these red flags, I probably, probably love bombing has been my most frequent one that I've experienced. So I have to really, I have to work extra hard because that's something that's a responsibility I have to take is not being love bombed. Like, if someone comes on too strong, that's where my boundaries have to come in. You know, it's not all like, oh, he's a red flag because he loved bombing. Like, yes, we take that into account. But also you have control over how you're responding, the time that you're allowing to spend with this person. You know what your actions are in response to that. So that's also something to keep in mind. The next one is poor time management. I had no notes for this because it's so obvious if someone, okay, people might have different opinions on this because I do have a girlfriend who cannot be on time. She. I just. And I just know, and I accept her for that. But I think it's different with my partner. So there may be some, like, mixed opinions on this, but for me, it's unacceptable. And I don't mean that like sometimes they're late. What I mean is that they're always late. And the worst part of this is if I have to be the one to ask, where are you? What's the update? Why aren't you here when you said you were going to be, Instead of them proactively saying, I'm so sorry, I'm going to be 15 minutes late. I will see you soon. And also, if it happens all the time to me, what that says to me personally, being that this is important to me, is that they don't actually value my time. It means that everything else that they're doing in their life actually takes precedent because Danielle can just get pushed. She can just get pushed back by 15 minutes. She'll still love me. You see what I mean? So that's not okay with me. Next Red flag. The if it makes you happy guy. Like, I don't. I don't really. I don't really get it, but if it makes you happy, then I. I love it for you. Versus actual support and admiration for seeing you as you are. Let me explain. So I was already inspired by Sex and the City, but I just finished Bridgerton. And specifically I was inspired by Penelope, who is secretly Lady Whistledown, which, if you haven't watched it, is basically back in the 1700s, I believe. 1700s or early 1800s, it's a Shonda Rhimes show. She also does Grey's Anatomy and How to Get Away with Murder and a bunch of other shows. She's a great writer. But anyway, it is a show back in the olden days, 1700s, where a young woman who is supposed to be debuted out in society to basically be mashed up for a husband takes up a pen name and comes out with, like, a gossip column about the town, and she's anonymous. But in back in those times, it is a huge deal because women couldn't do stuff like that, essentially. So she keeps it secret. And to everyone, it's a. It's a gossip column, right? But there's also. It's clear from the viewer when you're sitting on your couch watching how much power and how much passion and purpose Penelope must have felt doing that. But to a lot of people, they saw her column as, oh, that's just like, gossip trash. And this is the difference for me is that specifically with social media, and I've gotten this. I have real experience from this. It's not enough for you to see what I do and say, oh, well, you know, if you like making the little videos. Laughs it's like appalling to say out loud, then that's okay. And, you know, I. I don't really get it, but I support you. That's not enough for me. Like, I have decided that's not enough. Because what that means to me is that you don't actually understand or see or actually value what I do, which means there isn't respect. Because what I believe I do is I'm telling my testimony. I'm telling my story. I'm living my life publicly for the benefit of others, to learn, exchange ideas, be inspired by. And I get so many messages from women around the world. So many. And I wish I could have taken a screenshot for every time I want to make it like a collage of all of your guys. Nice dms. Because I do see them. I get overwhelmed and I can't respond to every single one of them, but I do really, really appreciate it. And you guys get it, my audience gets it. And I'm not saying that I need to be the advice giver, big sister for my partner, but what I am saying, and I have had this on the other side too, which has really reinforced this, is that there needs to be an understanding and utmost respect for what I do. And it needs to be outside of the success that comes from it. What if I made no money? I make money from this. I make decent money from this now, but I didn't always. And what if I, what if I had no following and I was doing this at the same level? Would it still be okay with you if I made no money and I had no following just because I purely believed I had a purpose? That's the point. What if I wanted to be a painter and I had a very specific art style and maybe that my boyfriend or whoever I was dating wasn't really into art if he didn't respect what I did for what it is. And also because I believe it's my passion and that should be like one of the biggest priorities I believe of a partner is to support you in your passion and your purpose. That's a problem. So for me a red flag is the if it makes you happy guy versus actually supporting you. I hope that makes sense. Okay, next one is the always down bad guy. This is the guy that like there's always something going wrong. That's just the sky is falling and life is so hard and boohoo. You know, my life is so hard. You, you don't understand because you have it so easy now. I understand there are hardships and I understand that there are things that aren't just a one time thing. It could linger and could be a struggle. What I'm saying is if it's a new thing every day, it's starting to really feel like there's an excuse for not showing up for people in your life. And that was harsh, but it's true. If, if everything is like, you know, going wrong all the time. To me this is a perspective problem and a self worth problem because obviously the perspective is off. We have control over our actions and we also have control over our perspective. And so if you don't want to change our either of those things and all you want to do is talk about the things that have quote happened to you or give life to things. We just talked about this in church. Give life to things that are going wrong in your Life by, keep, by dwelling on them with your words. My pastor says there are things that you're living out right now because you won't let it die because you keep speaking life to it. That's a word you know, when something happened to you and like even, you know, you get caught up with it because people are asking, you know, you guys, last time you talked, maybe there was a hardship that, you know, you and you were telling your friends about and you've already gone through it and you're better and you're on the other side now, but like your friend is catching up. So you're, they're like what happened? And you have to take them through like how you got from there to here. You know the feeling of having to describe what has already happened, putting you back in the headspace and the feeling of that thing to me, if you keep talking about all the things that are happening to you and not moving forward or changing what's coming out of your mouth or trying something new, it just feels like an excuse to me. And it also feels to me like a self worth problem. Because if you believed that you were worth more or that you didn't like your circumstances, you would do anything that you could to change them instead of just sitting there in it. You know what I'm saying? And I've been with an always down bad guy and it, it just, it basically leaves no space for actual improvement or conversation because everything is about that. Everything is about like the newest hardship that they're experiencing. So like, and especially from a man to a woman, it's, I'm sorry, it's different. Our roles are different. And if you are supposed to be the protector and the provider and the leader in our relationship and there's just always something going on that forces me into my masculine to lead and carry the weight because you can't. So it just won't work in terms of a relationship, you know what I'm saying? Okay, next one. The last single friend of the group with a caveat. This is age range mid 30 to 40s. Okay? So this does not apply if they're in their 20s at all, okay? I'm talking about even just late 30s to early 40s. There is a reason, okay? There is a reason that they are still single. And I implore you to find out what that is and decide if you're okay with that. Most of the time you probably won't be. And most of the time it's something that they need to fix themselves. It's, it's no, no, I'm sorry. All the time. It's going to be something that they need to fix themselves. You cannot fix them. They have to do it themselves. And one way to do this, which I also experienced, is when you are brought around his friends. Watch what they say about him. I was in a relationship, and I had been brought to, like, a big friends gathering. Everyone was there. Um, and when we were saying goodbye to everyone, someone said to me, and they looked at me with a look, and it was like nothing against me. It was almost like trying to tell me something with their eyes without overstepping. And I was like, whoa. And he goes, I hope I see you next time. Which was so good, because my. My intuition knew what it meant, but I pushed it down so deep down because I didn't want to face it. Which meant he does this all the time. Or he brings around girls and he can't keep them because he's terrible in a relationship. I hope I see you next time because you're lovely and you seem like a good person, but I don't think you're gonna stick around with his crap. Or another one is, you know, you're meeting the friends for the first time, and maybe he, like, walks away and is, like, hanging out with other people. And his friends say something like, we're just gonna call him Josh. Yeah, we love him, we love him, but he's just. He's Josh. That tone that says so much without saying anything, it's like this guy just cannot get it together. So just really, really look out for that now. I hope not. I pray I'm not. But they're. You know, I'm single right now, and I'm 31, so I am not judging people who are single in their late 30s or early 40s. That's not the point. I'm just saying that. That that's a red flag to look out for and find out more information on. Okay. Okay. The next one is no posting or tagging guy, meaning you can't post anything about us on social media and don't tag me any in anything. And this is obvious. This is something we've been aware of pretty much since the beginning of social media. But there's. What I want to go is one level deeper. There's a reason. And it also indicates that he doesn't want your relationship or interaction to be public. Meaning under that is that he doesn't see it for you both. Because I'm sure you listening to this have been in love before, and you're. Okay, okay. If not elated to share your relationship publicly, it's just a no brainer because you're so happy with that person. If you think about it, why would you not. What would be a reason for you in a relationship to not want to share that information? And it's because if you didn't actually see it as a relationship or actually see it long term, okay. And it's also really hurtful. You know, we know this but just calling it out like someone being like, you know, I'm really private about my life and, and I know everyone has different levels of comfortability. For me, obviously this has to be in order. Like I can't have someone that's like wishy washy about being posted on social media because. Hello. And also to me, I've had it before. I was like doing influencer stuff where I just had like, I think I had like 900 followers of people I'd gone to school with and like friends and family and stuff. But it was still an issue. I've had it on both ends. And it's kind of interesting the, you know, the first one where he didn't want to be tagged, it was very clear because there was a whole situation with drama and blah, blah, blah. But really what that meant is he didn't want people, he didn't see it long term for us and so he didn't want to like even put it out there and it feels like you're being hidden and that's just not okay know. And then the other end of it for me, which this applies to you if you are doing influencer or content creator stuff is like if my husband was perfect but just didn't want to have H. I go back and forth on this. If he was perfect but just didn't want to have a social presence, that would be okay with me. But I don't want to feel restricted, I guess is what I'm saying in what I post. I think a really great example of this is Whitney Simmons. I'm obsessed with her. I'm obsessed with her family. It's her, her husband Steph and their two dogs. And she's posting, you know, her stuff and she's got a massive following. And Steph, she is, you know, stated in different like YouTube videos. Isn't the, you know, isn't the same in that he doesn't really want a social presence so she like respects his privacy there. But he does appear in some of her videos and he does. And when he does appear, it's very clear of the overwhelming amount of support he feels for here for her. So that's the difference is like. And an error of feeling hidden or stifled or like not actually seeing it long term versus being supportive and not restrictive. And you know, like I have felt in the past like I have to walk on eggshells on what I like post and I can't do that. I just can't with like what my job is. Um, so that's important to me. And I also. This might be, this is really opinionated but I feel like there's a little bit of a like self confidence issue there. If like it's so anxiety striking to be posted online. And I've talked to another content creator, a friend about this and he is able to understand a little bit more. I just like I'm so far out into like being vulnerable online that I just don't get it. But I, I just don't get it. Like who cares if people see you online? Who cares? It doesn't matter. Why did, why is it this huge thing? I just, I don't know. I'll never understand it. So anyway, there's that. The next one is restrictive on physical touch or pda. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about normal, healthy human physical touch. So putting your arm around someone, holding hands, hand on the leg, giving you a kiss, hugging, like very healthy normal human behaviors. And I understand this depends on the comfortability of both parties. So you might have what you are okay with and you guys work that out. What I'm saying is if this is incompatible with what I need, that's a big red flag. For example, I am, when I'm into someone, I am very physical, touch oriented and very pda. Like I want you to be whole. Like I need a hand on me at all times is basically what I'm saying. Like I want to be holding hands, I want your arm around me, I want your hand on my leg. Like I want us to be connected all the time. Okay. And if my partner doesn't want the same thing, that's a red flag for me because it, I know that I'm not going to be happy. Like they can't love me the way that I need to be loved. And I also for the first time realize this was in the last year, um, I've never, I've always had partners that had physical touch as one of their primary love languages. And I had for the first time experienced someone who didn't even have that as like one of their top ones. Like probably last, which I Don't. Again, I don't understand. Which makes us not compatible. But the extension of that is, like, if you have to ask for basic things, which I also experience, like to be hugged or kissed, and it's like an eye roll that it's a huge burden for them to be like, okay, like, get out of here. Like, why? Why? What are we doing here? Do you want to be my friend? Because we don't hug or kiss or, you know, touch in any way. So, like, what are we doing here? And that might be a little bit much, but. No, it's not. I'm saying this is what I need and this is what I want in a relationship. And it's not too much to ask, but, yeah, I have had situations, very minimal. Again, because I have always mostly had partners that physical touch is a primary. But I have had the experience of. This was in a different way, not just like a normal, like, wanting to, like, touch and interact. It was. I had dealt with something, and I was upset about it, and I kind of. I was like, can I share this with you? So I shared it with him, and then I kind of teared up a little bit, and he sat there and watched me, and he kind of was just like, okay, like, what? I think. I don't even remember what he said, but it was kind of like, what can I do about it? But not in a way that was, like, supportive. It was just sitting there like, okay. And I had to. And I want to, like, throw up saying these words out loud. I had to be like, can you hug me? Hello. Huge red flag. This might be just something that I don't understand because I. I will never understand someone who doesn't want to have physical touch like that. The other end of that is the PDA thing. So I find it very, very fishy if at home or in private, you're okay with holding hands and, you know, kissing me or putting your arm around me, but in public, we are not touching. Not okay with me. Not okay with me at all. I also had an experience where I had, you know, this is someone that I, like, moved way too quickly with. But I had an experience where I started dating someone, and it was very fresh and it was very fast, but things physically had already happened. And again, I am celibate dating now, but I have a past, and I just share that with you guys so that we can all benefit from it. Okay? But things had moved physically very fast, and it just happened that, you know, we were going to be in the same vicinity as my friends. And, and I understand this one a little bit more because it was so fresh. But anyway, we end up all meeting up and he just sat next to me and he kind of sat a little bit forward. And I was like, is he gonna, like, put his arm around me or put his hand on me or hold my hand or we were just sitting next to each other like friends. And I was like, this is weird. This is weird to me. Like, I don't like this. So that is, I think that red flag falls into a bucket of get more information and see if you're compatible. But that's a red flag for me. Okay, the next one is not a care to meet or hang out with your friends or he doesn't quote like your friends. Now being really clear here. If you've got friends that are unhealthy, there is a difference. For example, if Teresa likes to go out and rage every night and get totally sloppy and just not live a healthy lifestyle and probably is not a good influence on you, that's different than a really, you know, a normal, good, healthy friendship. You know, your girls that you confide in and that you, you know, go do things with you, do healthy things with you. Share your dreams and aspirations with we all. I'm making the distinction here because a man who's like, I'm not going to be around that type of behavior is a good man. Just be really clear there. And a man that says, I'm not going to be around that type of behavior. And I worry about you being around that type of behavior because I don't see that benefiting you. And I worry about that. I think that's a good man because he's looking out for clearly your best interest. Just my personal opinion. But in general, if he doesn't want to hang out with your friends in a like, healthy situation, this is again, a sign of you being a spot filler because he doesn't actually care about what you care about, which is, you know, your community. He only needs slash wants you for things that benefit him. Okay. The next one is something that I had never really experienced until I'm just going to stop giving times. It has only happened to me once and I was shocked that this was actually a thing. And that is only really showing up for events with your friends or family. So kind of the reverse of the last one, where he's not really showing up for you in the day to day, but like, he'll drop everything to show up and show out for, oh, we're all getting together with my Family or friends to be that guy. I hope we're understanding what I'm saying. Like, let's say you're in a relationship and he just doesn't call you for three days or doesn't like, call you back or, like, it's just being lame. Like, doesn't show up when I say show up. Just be there for you, be in the relationship. But he knows that there's like an event on Friday where he's meeting your friends or getting together with your friends again and he wants them to think that he's the guy. So he pulls out all the stops. He gets a fresh haircut. He shows up. He's wearing his outfit. He shows up on time. For the only time he shows up on time. Huge red flag. Because it shows that he doesn't actually care about what you need or want. It's him showing up to. This is not to, like, fulfill a need that you have, because if that were the case, he would show up for you regularly in your relationship. He's showing up so that people can perceive him as the guy. Huge red flag and weird, weird behavior and something I can't believe I put up with. Okay, next one. And this is our last one. And then we're gonna go to Green flags constantly on his phone when you're supposed to have quality time. This basically says to me, you'd rather turn off his brain than be here in life with you. And it's not even a relationship problem. It's a self worth problem. Because if the perception of your life is so low that you can't engage with the person that's supposed to be one of the most important to you, that's a problem. That person probably doesn't feel joy or excited about life, which is why they ostracize and sort of like turn off their brain. And it makes them emotionally, relationally, and sometimes physically unreachable. Another one that I can't believe that I put up with. So learn from me and don't put up with it. Okay, let's move to the positive Green flags. Persistent. You know what? No. We're gonna do a second podcast episode on Green Flags. Okay? So because we're already at an hour, so I'm gonna make this into two episodes. Okay? If you're here, if you're listening to this, thank you. I love you. Thanks for listening. Share this episode with someone that you think would need it, who needs some, like, big sister advice. Maybe someone who's struggling with someone they're talking to or dating or have been in a relationship with for a while and like, don't really need or don't really know what to do. And you don't want to be the person that like, tells them what you think, but you think, like, I might have said the thing that they need to hear. Send it to them. All right, I love you. Bye Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want a screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you by.