Danielle (0:01)

Put us in a box. Go ahead. That just gives us something to break out of because the next generation 2025 GMC terrain elevation is raising the standard of what comes standard. As far as expectations go, why meet them when you can shatter them? What we choose to challenge, we challenge completely. We are professional grade. Visit gmc.com to learn more. Summer's here and Nordstrom has everything you need for your best dress season ever. From beach days and weddings to weekend getaways and your everyday wardrobe. Discover stylish options under $100 from tons of your favorite brands like Mango Skims, Princess Polly and madewell. It's easy too, with free shipping and free returns in store. Order pickup and more. Shop today in stores online@nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app Foreign welcome to who Is She? A podcast sharing the voice I Wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host Danielle and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi, welcome back to who is she? I'm so happy you're here. If you tuned in to the last episode, I am batch recording so little BTs. I just had some liner lunch dinner and then went and changed into a new outfit so that this can be visually compelling in a way. I'm hoping you can't see my crotch because this is a very high sleep lit dress but I thought that it was fun and pretty and I announced this series, this like mini series of podcast episodes that I'm going to be coming out with and it's Things I Wish I Knew at different phases of my life. Last week was Things I Wish I Knew in college. So ages like 18 to 22. This will be early 20s so maybe you're about to leave college or like basically 20 to 25. And I asked ChatGPT to give me relevant questions based on a woman between those ages 20 to 25. That would be interesting and compelling and valuable from someone my age, which is 32. And it's just like an homage to how all of this started, which was doing Things I Wish I Knew videos. If you don't know if you found me through dating content, this actually used to be my primary content pillar which was advice, life advice, things I Wish I knew sooner, big sister content, things like that. So when you see things here and there on my feed that you're like, oh, that's new in terms of like this type of stuff. It's actually where I started. So this is kind of like like my home content. So before we get into that, I was trying to give you updates on the last episode and something that I forgot a lot lighter of a topic is that I recently discovered Ted Lasso. For some reason I thought Apple TV was like 35.99. I don't know why that specific number was in my head, but I thought that's how expensive it was. And so I was like, I'm not paying that, silly. And then somehow, oh, it's because everyone's been. Oops. Everyone's been talking about severance. And I haven't watched that either. But I was like, okay, I have to see what all this is about. So I opened Apple TV and it turned out to be 9.99. This is not an ad for Apple TV, but Apple TV, folks, if you're watching, which you're probably not, call Sarah. Anyway, so it was Severance and Ted Lasso that like really drew me into Apple tv. And between the two of them, Ted Lasso seemed a lot like lighter hearted. So literally in the last week I have binge watched all three seasons and I absolutely loved it. I'm so excited that they have announced, I guess, that there's going to be a fourth season. Although I'm not thrilled with how they ended season three. It seems like they thought that maybe it was over and so they were trying to like, it felt like years were being flashed at me all at once. And I didn't like that because I felt it was very opposite to the feel of the show in general. So anyway, there was that. I will be starting severance soon. I'm about to start like working really hard here, doing a bunch of podcast stuff. So. So whenever I have time for that, I will be starting that. And then what else? Oh, updates with the house. So as you guys know, I have shared that like, this blank slate of an apartment is not my vision, but things have taken a really long time to get here. So we're working with a beautiful furniture company and I'm fortunate enough to have furniture being shipped to me, but it's taking a little bit of time. So I've eaten on the floor for a month because I don't have any tables. I was thinking about, I was like, why haven't I moved the TV into my room and then eaten in my bed? I know that's gross for some people, but like, after being in a Sorority in college. That kind of was like our college culture because. Because he kind of wanted to be alone. So you would go into your room and eat on your bed with your laptop and just sort of like shut out the world. So ever since then, I've. I am a bed eater in an. I don't know if that's like a sexual term. That's not what I mean. I just mean I. I am not opposed to eating my food in bed and watching tv. So anyway, but the update is that the furniture is officially ordered. And I just got the confirmation that we are going to be delivered next Tuesday, which is going to be mid April, which will probably be a week before this episode goes live, just depending, which is really exciting. And then also I found, I did mention this in the last episode. I found a company that does specific temporary renter friendly wallpaper. And this place is going to be decked out. It's going to be vintage, maximalist, grandma chic. Like this vibe is going to be the whole thing. Now this couch with the rug and wallpaper is too much, so we're covering the couch. But anyway, that's kind of exciting that all of those things are finally moving because it's literally been a month since I moved in and I haven't. It's like a bachelor pad in here. It's very difficult for me because I like nesting, I like systems in my home. I like everything to have a place. And I've gotten all moved in. But there are things that can't happen until these big steps get taken care of. So the good news is by next week, we're going to have all the materials in order to start really kicking things up. And what that means for you is that my content, my content is going to be so freaking good once this place is decorated. Like, I have a vision of like making different areas in the home into like, where I record the podcast because I have pretty great lighting and I'm going to figure out the camera situation. I just posted about that. But, like, if each room is going to have its own, like, really ornate interior design, it's just going to be so fresh and so vibrant and so compelling to watch. And just the rest of the content that I make in here is going to be so good. I'm so excited. So I would say, honestly, if it takes one more week for things to come, it's going to take me two to three weeks to get the apartment done. So all in all, it's going to take me two months to get this apartment done. Which, in my mind, I hate that. Like, I'm the kind of person that I want to just go to the store, pick that, pick that, pick that. It's done, it's on the wall. Like, this kind of stuff. I'm like, let's just work through the night. But, like, I can't do it if I don't have the things. So, anyway, that's the update on the apartment. All right, let's get into today's episode, which is things I wish I knew in my early 20s. Let me just fix this. I really hope this doesn't get really booby. How might I fix this? All right, we're just gonna have to keep pulling. My friends from church are so freaking awesome. I have. My church is like, I love my church. I can't even. I go to Redemption in San Jose, and I've driven home every week since I've moved to go to service if I'm not, like, out of town anyway. And the people there are unreal. I recently posted that I need help with the podcast in terms of, like, hardware, like, specifically what camera and lens I need to be filming on, because this, this also is not cutting it. Okay. Like, this needs to get better. I. I know that, but I don't want to spend thousands more dollars. This is like my sixth camera and I'm not going to do that anymore. So I'm getting. I'm taking it under advisement of which direction I should really be going in terms of a camera. And two of my friends who do videography for the church personally reach out to me and were like, hey, let me help you out. Here's this, this, and this. So appreciate you guys. And I will reply momentarily. Okay, so to set the stage, I asked chat GPT. I think I said this already. Things are blurring together the relevant questions for someone in their early 20s, and I kind of want to read the description it gave me because it kind of sets the stage and will help me get in the mindset of answering the questions from that perspective or from my perspective, knowing what I know now about that time period in your life. So things I wish I knew in my early 20s. 50 podcast questions. Women 20 to 25 are in that beautiful but messy space between freedom and pressure. It's a decade, a decade of firsts. First big job, first heartbreak, first taste of independence, and first real encounters with self doubt and self discovery. So this podcast has the power to feel like a lifeline and hype and a hype session all at the same time. All right, so let's just kick this off. How do you start trusting yourself in your early 20s? Okay, so in your early 20s, this is where you are really going to start making actual decisions that will shape your day to day life. I feel like in college you are kind of locked down, honestly. You have to go to class, you may like be in certain groups or clubs and everything just feels so forced. At least it did for me. Like I felt, I felt that way growing up too. Like I didn't really have an option in my own life, which is, you know, I know it's not exactly true but like if you want to finish college, you have to keep going to your classes, even if you hate college. And you can love being in a certain group or sport or club, but like not necessarily want to do the day to day stuff, but in your early 20s, this is the first time that you are truly calling all the shots. And what I mean by that is you get to pick what job you have. You are now qualified to apply for whatever job you want. Now when I was in my early 20s, the most important thing to me was making money. I'm going to be very honest with you. And that's why I chose the major I chose which was business management. And that's why I applied for every, every single tech job. I didn't even know what tech was, I had no idea, but I knew that's where money was. So I applied for all these jobs and almost no one got back to me. I think I had two interviews with different, two different companies and one of them was such a blessing from the Lord. And that's the job I ended up taking. And it grew me so much as a person and was a very safe team. My boss was in his at the time, late 20s, but like very careful and meticulous about caring for the, the people on his team. And that's kind of like the structure of the company. Anyway, getting back to this question, trusting yourself in your early 20s, now that you are calling the shots, you get to experiment, but you also have the opportunity to show up for yourself in a different way. And what I mean by that is whereas things felt forced in college, you are now actively choosing these big changes in your life. And so if you say you're gonna do something, you gotta show up for yourself. And that builds self trust and self confidence. And the other side of that is trying things that are new that you may not like and listening to yourself so not getting yourself into more situations where you're locked into something that you really don't like. And you just keep going with that pattern, that and that cadence. And I think self trust is really rooted from showing up for yourself the best way that you can and teaching yourself internally and subconsciously that you're not going to turn your back on yourself. I think a good estimate of this is if, if you hate. Okay, I'm just gonna go there. If you hate your life and you are actively, you're just choosing to not do anything about it in your early 20s, how are you supposed to trust yourself? Because you're allowing yourself. Like, if you take, think about like your inner child or if, like, you are, you're taking care of your friend and that's actually you. I don't know if this is making sense, but if you allow yourself to stay in places that are not for you, the trust in yourself is going to be really low. So, very roundabout answer, but I hope some of that landed. What does it really mean to find yourself? Okay, that's hard in your early 20s, because you're going to find yourself many times, Many, many times. And I think what's beautiful about that is that instead of, like, finding yourself many times, you're finding pieces of yourself. That's what your 20s, specifically your early 20s, are for. And you know it. When you have done it, when you put yourself out there and are vulnerable and do something or say something or put yourself in an environment and it feels right, you will know it. And I think those are just little pieces that you collect along the way. Why do we feel so behind in our early 20s and how do we stop? First, I want to acknowledge that everyone feels this way, and so it is normal. And I, I don't want to give you this, like, stereotypical, because social media is like, perpetuating all of these things that, like, aren't realistic. But that's. That is the truth. And I think it also is a really sweet thing because it shows that you have determination and desires and a vision for your life. Imagine just like in your early 20s, being okay, staying the exact same for the rest of your life and doing nothing different for the rest of your life. I mean, there's a sense of peace in that, like, acceptance, but I think that's a little bit of a morbid way to live. And so the fact that you feel behind is actually a good thing because. Or you could spin it to be positive because it shows that you have a direction, that this isn't the final landing point for you. So if anything, if you do feel behind, just reframe that in your mind to think about it, like, instead of, I feel behind, I wish I had all these things. It's reframe it, flip it on its head and be like, I'm so excited to accomplish this or go here or change this about my life. And I'm excited for all the steps that are going to lead me there. It's a. It's like a mental switch. How do you choose the right career when you have no idea what you want? Okay, I need you to listen to me very carefully. The fact that someone told you either when you went to college or right after high school, depending on if you went to college or not, that you need to determine what you want to do with the rest of your life and at this age is crazy, okay? It's a very rare person that does one thing their whole life and is happy. Okay? And the people that find that thing that they're supposed to be doing, their purpose, their passion, and they do it their whole life and are happy are very rare. Meaning you get to choose what you start with and then you listen to yourself to figure out what direction you need to shift. And that's life. That's how it goes. The sticky part, and the part where you start to feel boxed in or like a hamster on a wheel, as me and my friends say, is when you don't do anything about it. If you are unhappy with your life, like I said before, but you're not taking any steps to change that. And sometimes a step is just exploratory in terms of doing something completely different. Maybe you are an accountant and you hate it. You hate who you work with, you hate your commute, all this stuff. You hate the job you hate. Let's say you hate numbers. I don't know, you just don't like it. Everything about it you don't like, but you choose to do nothing with that. That's your responsibility. And doing something about it doesn't necessarily mean it could, but it doesn't necessarily mean, let's go get a completely separate job doing something about it. Could also be, I'm going to take an art class because I need something that's different. I need something that will, like, give me a parameter for what is possible. And then you start making slow shifts. Now, maybe you end up being an artist on the side. Maybe eventually that becomes your full time. Maybe it does mean you start applying for other jobs, but you just gotta do something. Okay? How do you advocate for yourself at work without feeling awkward? Okay. Interestingly, I have always been A great advocate for myself at work. And a terrible one. Not personally, kind of, but mostly in relationships. But the work side, I got that on lock. It is a mental compartmentalization. So you need to understand that, yes, you want to be a kind human, but this is your workplace, and there are boundaries. There are things that you will do, and there are things that you won't do. And the worst that could happen is that if you ask for something, someone says no. So let's say it's in the. The realm of asking for a raise. I remember. God, I'm gonna sound like such a old geezer, but when I was in college, I was getting paid with, at the time, minimum wage. I'm so gonna date myself right now. I'm 32. Okay? So back when I was 19 or so, minimum wage was like eight or nine dollars. I don't remember. And then I got a promotion, so I became a key holder at this retail store. And I was so excited, so thrilled. I'd never been a manager before, but I. All of a sudden I was. And I got a pay raise. And I was so excited about that. And then there was. I don't know if it was a county or a state law, but it updated minimum wage. And so now the regular employees were making the exact same amount of money that I got with my raise. So obviously that was not right. And I brought that to my boss's attention and super respect her, nothing but love for her. But we had a back and forth about that. And I was feisty back then, so I wouldn't recommend, you know, if it's. If it's your thing, go for it. But I, I. After the back and forth, I was like, listen, I can make more money than this right now babysitting. So either you pay me more by Monday or I quit. And you have to be able to say those things because what's the worst thing that that can happen? They fire you. They're probably not going to. And it's not personal. I think there's also a side to it where I have been blessed for the most part. I have had some hostile work environments, but the ability to speak up for yourself in the murkier waters. So where it's basically, it's not as black and white as pay me more or don't. It's like the way that you are treating me on a daily basis is not okay. So practicing showing up for yourself in that way is something, is a skill that you need to do. You need to do it, because there will Always be situations where, especially professionally, you need to stand up for yourself. So just like many other things that we've been discussing, it's a mental flex and a muscle that. That gets stronger once you start doing it. Okay, how do you negotiate your first salary? Okay, there are accounts dedicated to, like, career and all of that. So first of all, they are probably more qualified to give you an answer than I am personally. I, um. What I have done in the past, multiple times is obviously done research. So you go on Glassdoor and you figure out in the area that you're in for the job that you will be or are doing, what are people getting paid? And then you factor in your value and then you ask for 20k more. Just kidding. Maybe. But I have gone in with printouts. Like, I printed all of that information out. And it helps too, like if you're getting a promotion or whatever, to come in alongside that with your numbers. This is more specific to, like, sales, which is what I did. But if you're a performer, especially in the case that you're getting a promotion, technically you are the best of the best. That's why you're getting promoted. And so you can use that if it's your first salary. I would say what's really important is just the information. So, like, what's happening around you? What are people in this role getting paid? But also, I heard this and I thought it was brilliant the other day. It's not so much about making a ton of money as your first salary. It's about locking in the guarantee or doing as much as you can that you're going to get a raise in a year. So what that sounds like is, okay, people who are doing this job are making $85,000 a year. Whatever it is, I'm cool with that. What would I need to have done by the end of next year for you to give me a raise? And this is happening in your interview. And so. And I. This was not. This isn't something I came up with. I saw this on a reel the other day. Or maybe it was a podcast interview. Can't remember. But it shows that you care about not just getting the job, but performing for them well over a year's period of time. Like, they can tell you're serious. And it also give you. Gives you parameters to be like, remember our first conversation when you told me how to do A, B and C? And now it's a year later and I've done A, B and C? I think it's time to have the conversation. So that's probably what I would recommend. Also, I would say in terms of like salary, I was so money focused when I was younger and I don't know if it was necessarily. I mean, it, it was good. I ended up being successful, but I was so focused on it and I had this number in mind that I wanted to make by a certain age and I did it. But what I want to say is that you have so much time in your Life. If you're 20 to 25, you have so much time for so many raises, and it's not a big deal. You want to make a living, but if you don't make 100 grand out of college, it's not a big deal. You will have so many opportunities to make more money. Okay. Why is your first job not your forever job? It could be, but like we talked about early earlier, it probably isn't. And that is because what you think you want to do is probably going to be different than what you actually want to do with your life. And that is a rite of passage that happens for mostly everybody. And I just want to give you permission that if you are unsure about the field that you're going into, that's normal. If you, let's say you took your first big girl job out of college and it's really not going well, you have permission to change it. Okay. It's really, really unfortunate because I feel like I have a lot of friends who are in the healthcare field, whether that be therapists or more on the medical doctor side, and even people who are like teachers and the most, in my opinion, the most valuable contributors to society, which is, are. Are those people typically get burned out the most. And number one, what I would recommend is following people who are more credentialed in talking about that, like medical field burnout or whatever, or teacher burnout, because I'm obviously not a teacher. But what I also want to say is there's a difference between being burned out and being totally fulfilled and knowing this is what you want to do and just being burned out and hating it. And if you get to the point where what you went to college for isn't actually what you like doing at all, it's your life, babe. You get to do whatever you want to do. And guess what? If you were to leave the field that you went to college for after you got your first job, and then let's say, let's say you were a teacher and it's really. You've given that a year or two or whatever, and it's really, you hate it and you want to do something completely different and you shift gears and you apply for a, I don't know, a sales job and then you don't like the sales job and you're like, I kind of want to go back to teaching. You can do that too. You can do that too. I feel like we have such a permanence in our like career visions and it's just not the case. How do you deal with imposter syndrome in a new career? I personally dealt with it by over compensating a lot. I completely changed my voice. I, I had this like air about me that, and I'm not recommending this, but this is what happened to me. I, this air about me that I was like smarter and better. And I also had a chip on my shoulder because I was like the only girl in tech sales pretty much through my whole career. So I, I just, I wouldn't recommend that. But I, I think it was sort of like a Persona that I put on in order to then make it through feeling like I wasn't good enough. And then I just performed like be good at what you do and do that over and over and over again. And then that self trust, that self confidence builds and the self confidence and the self doubt and the imposter syndrome can't live at the same time. So that's what I would say. Why is it okay if you don't meet your person in your early 20s? This is such a great question. Because a lot of people won't, especially with more the Gen Z. But like even some millennials, like I'm still single and I'm 32. The reason that it's okay is that like we talked about in the last episode, you have so many versions of yourself that you need to evolve into. And sometimes that works alongside someone else, but sometimes it doesn't. And so imagine meeting someone. Okay, let's do an exercise. This episode is for someone between 20 and 25. So let's pretend you are your 16 year old version and you meet your husband at 16 or who you're going to marry at 16. Now imagine still being married to them. I'm assuming you're probably a way different person. You've had so many more experiences that shape you. It's kind of the same thing about not meeting your person in your 20s. That whole thing is going to happen again many times throughout your 20s. So like I said, that absolutely can happen alongside someone else. But imagine meeting someone where you're a lot more you. Like I Feel like I'm pretty rooted in who I am. Finally, I think. I think this really happened at about 31 last year. And so. But if I had met someone at 27, I am completely. Not completely different, but I'm a lot different. And I'm a lot more confident in who I am now. And so that would have been a transition. So that's why it's okay to not have met your person in your early 20s. Okay, my camera is going to die. So we will just. We will start anew using chemistry for compatibility. Okay, I have bad news. This is something that I think you have to do on your own. Just real talk in order to get there. You have to not want the hot dude just because he's hot. And unfortunately for most of us, it takes getting burned once or twice in order to learn that some of us longer than others. And I think this all depends on what you're looking for. And a lot of times in your early 20s, you're just looking for someone who is fun and attractive and. And nice to you. But I feel like a lot of times women compromise on the third one for the first, unfortunately. And so you have to genuinely not want the hot guy that doesn't treat you well and understand what it is that you're actually looking for. And I think the latter part of that is actually the harder part, because a lot of times we think we know what we're looking for, but we don't actually know what we're looking for. So get really clear on what you envision for a relationship and what's important to you, and know that when you're presented with an option that is not compatible, him being hot is not going to make him compatible. You know what I'm saying? And that's sort of the chemistry side. Also, I would note that something I wish I could have leaned more into in my early 20s is the fact that I don't want to say, like, chemistry can be developed, but sort of. And the example I want to give is, remember when, like, we had seating charts in, like, high school and middle school pan, you would be put next to someone that you were kind of like, oh, okay. And then you guys get to talking every day, and then suddenly you think that James is actually kind of cute. And then suddenly you have a crush on James because you sit together every day. That's kind of what you want to lean into. And so, yes, someone can be really, really attractive. And because of that, you can have really great chemistry. Also, men between the ages of 20 to 25 can very easily have chemistry with a lot of people because they are just wildly hormonal. They just have urges that they are trying to satisfy in one way or another. So in an aggressive, loving, big sister way, it's not special about you that they have chemistry with you. So keep that in mind. All right? Oh, no. Some things work better together, like NARS Soft Matte Complete Concealer and Radiant Creamy Concealer. Soft Matte Complete Concealer erases and blurs imperfections with full coverage. Then Radiant Creamy Concealer evens and brightens with a luxurious texture and radiant finish. Two concealers, one flawless look, perfect for a no foundation base. NARS better together. Visit Ulta to shop now. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can cheat, choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. Sorry about that. I had paused and I didn't hit record on the audio. We are learning. All right. How do you set boundaries in dating without scaring people off? I don't think you should be afraid of scaring people off because if they're scared off by what you want, then they couldn't give you what you want anyway. I think it would. It would have behooved me to be able to set those boundaries. And what that specifically sounds like is, hey, I have noticed this. And that necess. That doesn't really, like, work for me. I would need this. How do you feel about that? And then if they agree, then you watch their behavior, and if it changes, then great. And if not, you just say, hey, I had asked for this. It's not happening. It's not working for me. And then you part ways because you're 20 to 25 and there's too much possibility. There's so much life for you to have to waste time on someone who clearly can't give you what you need. I'd also like to say that men 20 to 25 are not usually equipped to do that. And so it's a very rare instance that someone is able to. That a man is able to meet you there at that age. So just take that with a grain of salt. Okay. All right. What is the role of casual dating and does it really work? I wish that I had done this in my 20s, I didn't all through my 20s, I literally just started this in my 30s, which is what we call casual dating, which is just actual dating. Okay. We have lost the art, we've lost the plot of actual dating. And what dating is, is you go out and meet someone and see how that goes. And then at the same time next week, whatever, you go out with someone else and see how that goes. And you are meeting multiple people in order to make an informed decision instead of what exists today, which I swear to you, I wish I had done this in my. I didn't have the confidence to do it, quite honestly, because I was just so concerned with having someone reinforce what I wanted to believe about myself that I settled to. Yeah, right now what I feel like we have is a landscape of dating where you go out with someone and you're expected to do this. Cause I share, you know, my dating adventures online and people are so appalled that I went on 12 first dates last year. That's nothing. Okay? That's one a month. You met one person a month and you want to like be all crazy about that. It's silly, it's dumb. But what we have now is you have this environment where we're expected to match with someone on an app, make a decision that they are going to be our partner, our boyfriend, our girlfriend, whatever, sometimes even before the date, or you go on one or two dates and then you're like, that's it. And I get. There's the. Oh, I knew it from the. I understand that. But I think a lot of times people are just wanting to have it, be it and jumping in way too fast and then slowly dealing with the repercussions and comp over compromising on every single thing because they weren't compatible in the first place. So what I encourage is, I don't even want to call it casual dating. I encourage you as a 20 to 25 year old woman to actually date, which means you go out with multiple people to make an informed decision on who are. Who you are giving the gift of your exclusivity to. And something complex about that is you have complete control of your body. That's not complicated. What I'm saying is I didn't treat sex the way I treat it now, which is we also live in an environment where sex is very casual. And so if you are actually dating, you now need to know what your boundaries are physically before you go on any dates. You cannot show up and say, oh, we'll see what happens. No, you're going into a bad situation. And so with casual dating, what I recommend, as your older sister is. I mean, if I'm being blunt, I recommend you being celibate because having sex with someone outside of marriage or even outside of an exclusive relationship to get to know them, it feels like you're giving way too much. And I don't want to say, like, giving it up, but you're giving way too much when it hasn't been earned, and it's not the right time for that yet. And it might make you make decisions that you shouldn't make and overlook red flags because you've subconsciously committed. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm in complete support of however you want to go about this. And sometimes you do need to learn on your own, and I recognize that because I had to learn on my own, too. But if you could just pull anything from this. I just want. I. I wanted you to hear that. Okay. All right. This is a great question. How do you tell the difference between love and attachment? All right, so I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this. You need to understand what attachment theory is now because it applies to everyone. But it's only something I learned in my very, very late 20s. I think I learned it at 29. And it basically is about how you relate yourself to the rest of the world, but specifically in romantic partners, based on the way that you grew up and your relationship to your family and your parents. And when I say, it is wild when you start cracking open that walnut and understanding, oh, I look for this type of person because this is how I saw my dad. Oh, I look for this type of person that's not compatible with me because this is how I felt when I was a kid, because then, only then can you start making smart, compatible decisions for you in terms of love life and relating that to the difference between love and attachment. A lot of times in. Especially in your early 20s, you will make decisions and do things in order to get the reinforcement that you so desperately want to hear about yourself from someone else, but it actually has nothing to do with that other person. So let me give you an example, and I'm just going to be totally real here. I think that a lot of times girls will go for the attractive, hot, jock kind of guy, the dude, because even though he treats her bad, because it tells her that she was good enough to land him, even though it's a complete disservice to her. And the real problem there is the latter part that you didn't Feel good enough by yourself, you had to prove that by getting the guy. And where does that stem from? That's attachment. So I think when you are making decisions and doing things and are with certain people because you want to feel a certain way about yourself versus actually liking that person, that's the difference between love and attachment. And God, I wish I knew that in my early 20s. Man, I tell you something, how do you avoid shrinking yourself in relationships? This is also something, like I mentioned I was so terrible at in terms of like boundaries and speaking up for myself and shrinking myself when I was, you know, with previous boyfriends. And I think it all had to do with what I thought about myself. But even now as a 32 year old, I still find myself in situations where I am given the opportunity mentally to shrink myself. And I take a breath and then I say the thing that I actually want to say or I do the thing that I actually want to do. And I realize I have a moment where I realize it doesn't make me a bad person, it actually makes me a good person because I'm showing up for myself, which then in turn is showing up for the other person. Because if you don't do that, you're not being honest with either yourself or that other person. Yeah, that's what I have to say about that. How to spot the difference between real friends and party friends. Okay, this is so difficult because I've never been a club girl and I know that there are people that really love that. It's the club, it's the music. It's like the house music festivals. And like, between you and me, I wish I liked house music because like, that's where everyone is spending time and I just don't like it. Like I don't get it has no melody. Anyway, I digress. But there was something that I remember seeing in my early. I'm sorry, in my mid-20s that was like the friends that are out with you at the club really aren't going to be enhancing your life. Like, that's it. Because if you think about that, there typically isn't a lot of like mental space in order. Like if you're doing that to your, like, I'm assuming there's a lot of partying involved, which again, I'm in full advocacy for you doing what you want to do. I'm just saying that a lot of things are not going to be advantageous and that includes the people that just want to go out, you know, And I find that a lot of times those people aren't able to have these types of conversations. They just want to talk about the crazy night they had like three weeks ago. Oh, remember when we were out at like, Myth and this happened and blah, blah, blah, like, it's. There was that video of like, you can tell the level of intelligence of someone based on what they talk about. So people who talk about what has already happened, people who are stuck in high school, stuck in college, whatever, Very basic, low level intelligence. The people that are able to talk about what's happening right, right now, or, you know, fairly intelligent. And then people who want to discuss your hopes and your dreams and how you're going to get there and questions of life and faith and all of these things. These really complex, inspiring topics, really high level intelligence. So just like, make a decision about that, who you want to be spending your time with. And there's nothing wrong with having those friends. It's just that probably shouldn't be your only, like, source of support, because how are you going to grow, you know? Okay, how do you make new friends as an adult? This is especially important in your early 20s because your friendship circle just got flipped on its head because you just finished college, everyone's just got their first jobs, Some people have moved away, you don't have as much time. It is chaos out here. And I remember that and I get it. I have an entire episode on how to make friends as an adult. So listen to that. Like, it's like 45 minutes of very specific instructions. Okay. All right. What is the role of mentorship in your early 20s? This is really important. And I don't know if I really had one per se. I might say my bonus mom, but I, I think the role of a mentor, and I don't know if this is exclusive to just your early 20s, but like, I don't know if it's so much accountability. I'm just being real here as it is listening to you and then giving you provocative questions. Because someone telling you that you should and shouldn't do this isn't going to make you change your behavior. But someone asking you what you think about where you are based on those decisions might make you consider enhancement. And so I think the role of a mentor is a safe space in your early 20s, and someone who is able to have a safe, dynamic conversation where you are able to be reflective on your choices. How do you survive FOMO without going broke or burning out? This is a great question. Prioritize what's important to you? Who's important to you? And based on past Experiences what has done you well and what has done you dirty. So, for example, it's a heck of a weekend. There's Friday night at Myth. There's Saturday night at Pure. There's a Saturday morning farmer's market. This is a very dramatic example. There's Sunday morning church and maybe, like, I don't know, like a barbecue after the farmer's market. I'm giving you examples. I don't know. Roll with me. If you go out on Friday and you are exhausted Saturday, the three events that you wanted to go to on Saturday are going to be so much harder. Also, who do you like hanging out with? The friends that are going to the farmer's market or the friends that are going out to the club? That's what I mean by prioritizing and knowing yourself and knowing that if you go too hard, knowing that if you go too hard, you'll burn yourself out and you'll probably. I used to get sick. Like, I would get sick when I pushed myself too hard. I had, you know, a time in my early 20s where and alcohol was involved. I went too hard, and I just, like, completely. I was in the. What was it? It was urgent care for exhaustion. So know your body, know yourself. Hold on. All right. How do you outgrow friendships without guilt? All right, this is so important because it's definitely going to happen in your early 20s. So 20 to 25, a lot is going to change. Some people are going to be stuck in their ways from college, from. For longer than others. And that's not personal. It's just depending on where you personally are at. And so I think there's a way to do this with grace. So in the example that someone just, like, cannot stop going out, and they just. That's all they want to do, and you're kind of over it, which I think is a pretty common example, is you just. You don't have to ghost them. You just say, I'm not feeling it, but have fun. Like, I. I hope you're safe. Call me when you get home. But I. I'm gonna stay home. And then you can also invite them to, you know, let's say you don't want to go out, but you still like that person, hey, I don't really want to go out, but do you want to, like, come over and watch a movie? Or do you want to go try this restaurant? Or you want to go to this workout class? And they then get to control what their response is to you. And. And that's it. So, like, you just Speak up for what, what you need and what you want. And sometimes what will happen is that person is just not ready to change. So, like, this has been an example in church many times for a different thing, but it's the same methodology. This person is here doing the same thing that they've done from college. And you're like, you were there, but you are now going slightly different. And eventually you are way far off from, you know, being compatible as friends, and that's okay, but it just means that you are evolving. And I think what's important is just keeping an open line of communication. And you are also not responsible for how they feel about the choices that you are making. So if I don't. I don't really think someone would, like, blow up on you for not wanting to go out. But that's. If they were to do that or have a little fit about that, that's not your responsibility. Okay. How do you build a support system from scratch? This is so important and really relevant because you're probably going to have to start over in a lot of ways, just based on, like, everything changing after college. I think it starts with, first of all, listen to how to make friends as an adult, because that's a framework for making the friends. And then the deeper level to that is support system. So I think this really comes from being a good support system, yourself first. And that's kind of part of the episode I talk about, like, you need to be there for people without wanting something in return. So something I did when I built a community in the last city, the last city I lived in, I mean, I would have get togethers with, like, 20 women at my house, and it was awesome. But it started from being a very caring person myself. And when I reached out to them, like, I realized when I reached out to people prior to that, like in college, I would be reaching out and saying, like, hey, do you want to go get coffee? Or whatever. But you need to realize that that's asking something of them. You're asking for their time. Like, it might seem innocent and, like, nice and like an olive branch for us to go do something together and build connection and form this bridge. But you're really, in the grand scheme of things, asking for something of them. So what that looks like is actually, hey, Susie, how are you? I know you had that big presentation at work. How did it go? You are completely supporting that other person without asking for their time, asking for anything from them. And in turn, that gives you the rapport and the. It builds the right for you to ask for things in return. So building a support system is all about being supportive to other people first. How do you stop hustling for your worth? Oh, boy. If I had known how to do this in my early 20s, I would have been unstoppable. I probably would have been married, honestly, because every relationship I've been in, I've tried to prove my worth. It's the attachment theory I mentioned earlier that is very valuable for you to know. This starts with understanding where your value comes from and your worth comes from. This is also a very difficult conversation to have if you are not of faith. I'm going to be very honest with you because for me, my worth comes from who God says I am and that he loved me so much that he created me exactly this way for such a time as this, to do this podcast, to make the friends that I'm going to make, to have the experiences that I'm going to have and have the impact on the world that I have. And that all has to do with. With my faith. It doesn't have to do with how much money I earn or if I have an attractive partner or how many side hustles I have or any of that. Without any of that, I am still who God made me to be. So that's where my worth comes from. And that is something that I have only just started tapping into in the last couple years. Now, had I known that in my early 20s, I probably would have set different boundaries for myself. I wouldn't have allowed certain behavior because I would have known what my worth was because of what God says about me. So I realize that there are some people who. Oh, no. I hope I haven't been out of focus this whole time. That would be so disappointing. Oh, my gosh. Okay. I realize there are people who aren't of faith. And all I can say is that the big questions in life, why are we here? How are we created? What's the purpose of it all? Are really important to answer because then it bleeds down into how you show up in the world, what you believe, and how that transforms how you live. All right, get into your body's vitals with the Vitals app on Apple Watch. The Vitals app tracks key overnight metrics so you can spot changes in your health before you feel them. The Vitals app ON Apple Watch iPhone XS are later required. The Vitals app is for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. Hey there, travelers. Kaley Cuoco here. Sorry to interrupt your music. Great artist, BT Dubs but wouldn't you rather be there to hear it live? With Priceline, you can get out of your dreams and into your dream concert. They've got millions of travel deals to get you to that festival, gig, rave, sound bath or sonic experience you've been dreaming of. Download the Priceline app today and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights. So don't just dream about that trip. Book it with Priceline. Go to your happy price, Priceline. Let's see. How do you balance ambition with rest? What a good question. I heard something a long time ago that was talking about doing what you're meant to do and finding purpose and passion and, like, how to go about that and all of that. And something that stuck with me was do one thing a day, one incremental thing a day that will get you towards your goal. And if you've done that one thing, you. That's it, you've accomplished it. And if you keep doing that, I think a lot of times, and it's good to have ambition, but we get a little bit ahead of ourselves in terms of, I want all of these things done right now, when it's like three weeks of work, and then we feel behind because we haven't finished this unrealistic amount of work to accomplish this ambitious thing that we want. So the, the do the one thing methodology, I think is a good way to balance that. And then, um, I am really good at rewarding myself. So, like, if I do the one thing, like I'm on my second podcast episode of today, I'm killing it. But if I had only done one, I would have rewarded myself with watching my favorite show or watching a new show or whatever it is that I wanted to do, and having a balance there. And then knowing tomorrow I'm also going to show up and work for what I want. So that's kind of how I hate to answer the question with, how do you balance by saying balance it, but that's the answer. How do you learn to enjoy the process, not just the outcomes? I think the important thing here is you may not actually want the outcome if you don't want the process. So, like, it's learning, obviously, to enjoy what's happening as you're on your way to your goals. But, okay, I'll use the example of creating content. Let's say you have a dream of being an influencer. Okay, you start filming and for a while there's going to be a transition period where everything feels weird and scary and you don't know how to do anything. And it's whatever. And this is applied to anything. We're just using an example that I can. I really hope I'm in focus that I can pull from personal life. But let's say, you know, try it and you're creating content, you're creating content. And one month passes, it's not great. Two months pass, it's not great. And you're not getting traction, you're not getting the result you want, you're not gaining a following, and you also are not enjoying the steps that it takes. I believe the reason I was successful with this and, and again, this can be applied to anything. But it's because I genuinely love doing this. I love filming. I love concept creation. I love the idea that I can think something and then share it and then it lands with someone and it might make their day or change the way they think or better their lives. I love post production, I love the editing. I love thinking about what would make someone pay attention to this. I love infusing systems and tools to then make the content that I make better. Every part of it, almost every part. I don't like people being mean to me, but whatever. Every part of it I love. And what that means is that I keep showing up because I love to do this. And to me that means this overall goal of being an influencer and doing this full time is something that I actually want because I also want the steps. Now, I'm not saying that, like you have to love every single one of the steps, but if you hate every single step in order to get somewhere, it's probably not something that you're meant to be doing, you know? Okay. And for some reason I'm hearing this like, well, what about working out? Like, you know, getting fit? Like, let's say you're overweight and you're trying to get in the gym and get healthy, there is a part of that that's going to be very painful. But if you stick with it, there is a part of it that you'll start liking the routine of like you showed up for yourself and you'll feel satisfied. And when you start getting stronger and you get that sense of accomplishment from that, those things will happen, even though other steps are really hard and you might not like everything. And that's what I mean is if every single thing you hate and you hate it every time you do it and it never gets better, I don't think it's something you should be doing. Okay, how do you give yourself permission to change your mind. So. Good, because I have done this a lot in the last three years before that, not really much permission to change my mind. And I feel very blessed that I was given almost like, this revelation of, holy crap, this is my life, and I am calling the shots, including every single thing that I'm doing. And if I change and it doesn't go well, the only thing that is affected is me. Now, I understand if there's kids at play, you know, you have other considerations, and everyone's got their own thing. But what I'm saying is I had this very real visceral experience of being in the driver's seat of my own life, and it just kind of went through my mind of, like, okay. And I also was very safe with my choices. So, like, I didn't just, like, one day quit my job. I did content creation for. Wow. I've been saying two years, but I started in 2021, and it's 2025, and I quit in 20. I did it for three years alongside my regular job. And then I went full time, which in this context of, like, the original question was, which was, how do you give yourself permission to change your mind? And in this example, changing my mind was changing my career late in the game. And I guess all I can say is, like, you have to realize that, like, nothing is permanent and you are calling the shots. And sometimes the best things happen when you take jumps. And if you're feeling, like, called to do something, there's a reason why. I'm just gonna say that. Okay, what's the biggest lie we're told about our early 20s? I think the biggest lie is that you have to have everything figured out. And if you do have everything figured out, I'm happy for you, But I hate to break it to you, that's probably going to change. So the lie is that we have to have everything figured out, and then that makes us feel like we're constantly behind. And if you're just able to mentally overcome that and know that you don't have to have everything figured out, life is so much more enjoyable in your early 20s. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and call it. Thank you for being here with me. I hope this video comes out. I don't know if I am in focus or not. This is why I need help with all this. So if you know anyone, videographer wise, call me. Beat me if you want to reach me. You're probably too young for that reference. And I'll see you in the next one. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. Bye.