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- [00:02]
A
Hello and welcome to who is she? A podcast Sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi, guys. Did you miss me? Oh, man. The podcast took like, oh, it must have been like a six month hiatus. And to be honest, I just got really overwhelmed. I really wanted to do video, but I didn't know how to do it. And I tried it once and I epically failed. So I just decided to give myself a little break and then that break turned longer and then I found it hard to do it on a weekly basis and I just never picked it up again. So it's been one of those big things that, like, you want to do, but you just never quite get around to. So. So I figured as a kickoff of what I am committing to doing, which is having a weekly podcast episode, is to start out with some dating updates. Okay. Because I was taking you guys along with me, and around the end of October, or like mid October, no, end of October, you guys are right there with me. And then I got a little carried away and I never told you the story. So now I'm gonna tell the story of what happened. So buckle up. Um, so let's set the scene. Most of you probably know me because I'm sharing my dating life online. Some of you might know me from before that. I created just lifestyle content. My. My goal is to create content that inspires you to live the life that you are meant to live and to give you hope and give you courage. So I've shared all kinds of things, but basically there's not really many aspects of my life anymore that are secret, which is okay with me. I've always been like, more open than probably what's normal. But anyway, regardless of how you know me. Oh, I couldn't tell if it was recording. Okay. Regardless of how you know me, I have had been on 12 dates, 12 first dates in 2024. Now, that also means that I had second and third dates, not quite as many. I will be doing my dating recap tonight. So that'll just be a feed post which breaks down as detailed as I could get because I couldn't track all of it, the entire history of it, but 12 first dates. Now, two of them were in October. There was a guy who worked in wine sales. And there was an older guy who was a teacher. Both lovely men. And I went out with both. Both of them, more or less. And I say more or less because the second date for one of them was not really a date. It was sort of like I was invited to a group setting. But. But anyway, I seen these men twice each. Twice or three times. One of them may have been three times. Dinner. Okay, Couple times regardless. And they were both doing what a man should be doing when he's pursuing a woman. And I thought they were both very lovely. And I also am on this. This journey rather, where I think that it is smart of a woman to be going out with multiple men, at least in the early stages, because especially if you have anxious, attachment or limerent tendencies, which I have a whole episode on, that it is more advantageous for the woman to not get attached to potential and watch behaviors. And when you have inputs coming in at different. Different people who are vying for, who are courting you, it is easier to see things for what they are. Now, I don't advocate for dating three people for six months. I mean, like, when you're six months in, it may be time to decide. But we're at the beginning of dating, and that's what I'm saying. So anyway, I've been out with these guys a couple times, and they're both great and they both treated me very well. And both of them, I was kind of like, I've been on this train where I'm like, I want that Steve and Miranda, Harry and what's her name, Charlotte, kind of love where I. Their personality makes them attractive to me. Because I'm so tired. I'm so tired of going out with the really hot guy because he's hot and tall and happens to be a Christian. Because what I found is typically, and there's so many people that talk about this, but the guys that are like, at the top of the food chain have never been held accountable because they don't need to. So I'm done with that. So anyway, I didn't feel immediate sparks with either of these gentlemen, but I was like, I think they're both good people. We got along well. I'd like to see them again and see where it goes. And then I matched with someone else on dating app and as a professional athlete, so we're gonna take that for what it is. And I knew. I knew right away what that territory comes with. Okay. So I wasn't really taking it seriously. But I'm not against, you know, Getting to know someone. So I start to talk with this professional athlete, and I'm not gonna give anything away. I'm keeping things anonymous. But because I wasn't taking it seriously, I was sort of doing things that I wouldn't normally do in a dating setting because he seemed like a nice guy. So I was like, I will. Maybe we'll just connect and be friends or whatever. So we had been messaging or whatever, and it happened to be his birthday, and I was going to the city. I live in San Jose, but I love San Francisco, and I'm gonna be moving there. More on that later. And I thought, you know, he might be in the city for his birthday. And we had never met at that point, so I just say, if you happen to be in the city, I'm gonna be there this time for this event, and I will be out at this time. If you have plans, no, worry about it. Don't worry about it. But if you're free, I'd love to grab a drink with you. Just, like, shooting my shot and whatever. So he jumps right on it and is like, yes, where should I meet you? Blah, blah, blah. So I was kind of like, I don't want to go to another location. He was already out. I'm like, I will meet you. And he was out with his friends. So I was like, public place, other people. Great. So I meet him, and I don't really think he's interested in me. He's. He's nice. His friends are nice. I sit down with them, get to know them. It was a little bit of an awkward situation because I was this. There were three of them, and it was kind of a place where not many people were. So it was literally just sitting down with these three athletes. And again, they were very nice, and I had a lovely time, but I kind of had to. It was like making three friends at one time. And I didn't think that the guy that I was meeting up with was interested in me. So I was like, okay, got it. And then I end up leaving. They were trying to get me to go out with them after. I was like, no, it's not my thing. Goodbye. So then this man proceeds to message me pretty much on a daily basis, and I'm messaging back, and we start to do things that I wouldn't consider as dates. Like when men are asking me out now, they're very intentional of, like, it's very clear that it's a date with this guy. It wasn't very clear or intentional. And simultaneously, still, I'm not taking this seriously and I'm still on the train of I'm going out with these other two men. So whatever, I'm just being open and seeing what comes of this now. I again said something along the lines of.
- [10:09]
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- [11:10]
A
When am I going to see you next? Or something. And he like jumped right on it. And. And he lives about an hour away from me and maybe some. Maybe more. Hour and a half hour. Somewhere in there, this man came to see me. So I was like, oh, okay. We met at a public place. The idea was we were going to go get coffee and walk around. That coffee turned into a three hour thing where we walked around Santana Row and ended up getting lunch. He bought me lunch. So I was like, okay. In my mind, I was like, okay. This man came from a far distance and has spent multiple hours with me in a public place. Maybe he's interested. He walks me to my car and I'm saying goodbye to him and I'm still kind of on the page of like, he just wants to be friends with me. And then he goes, I give him a hug and I pull away from him and he goes, can I kiss you? And I was like, oh. Oh, got it. Okay. All right. So he is interested. He. Yeah, it clicked then. Which, watching this, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for that. Of like, hello, you should have known. But I, I wasn't sure because nothing had been like, I'd love to take you out to dinner. It was sort of like it just kind of happened. And I offered energy first, and I felt like I was initiating. And then he kissed me, and I was like, okay. And when I say I haven't felt what I felt when I kissed him in a very long time, I hadn't. And I was flustered because I wasn't expecting it. And immediately he's texting me, like, I'll be back to see you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, still trying to, like, catch my breath from, like, I first of all understanding that this man wants to be more than friends or has intentions past friendship, and that he just kissed me and just, like, whiplash. So then I'm sitting with that. And I have anxious, attachment, limerent tendencies, which means I tend to narrow in on people very quickly. And it's not necessarily a good thing because I start to fill in gaps where effort lacks or ignore red flags or whatever because I want things to work out. And so I've been very cognizant of that this year as I date. But I did something that I always say that I don't recommend. So I am owning up to this, which was the other two gentlemen that I had been out with. I felt like there was such a discrepancy between the way I felt spending time with them and the way I felt spending time with the athlete. And so in my mind, I was like, it isn't fair to continue to go out with these men if there's such a difference in how I feel now looking back on it being that I'm not seeing any of these men anymore in this moment right now, I would not do that again. But I ended up after, shortly after that, texting both of these men and saying, hey, I've actually met someone that I feel a stronger connection with. And I wouldn't feel right about going out with you again. But I wish you all the best of luck and thank you so much. And they were both so nice to me. And the older one, the teacher, actually ended up texting me after he saw the video I made about him. And I've never had this before. He texted me saying, like, a whole list of how he appreciated seeing the other side of dating. And it was a very sweet message. And he was like, if it doesn't work out with you, just like, call me, or it doesn't work out with him, just give me a call. And I was like, that is so sweet and honorable of a guy to do, and very masculine, very confident, because people get wrapped up in dating. And it's like, you've Seen this person once or twice in your life, like you are not tied to them. And I think we need to go back a little bit to more of like old fashioned dating when it was actually dating. Anyway, so I texted both of them, see you later or not. And I continued forward with the athlete. Now from that point forward, it was the same story that I already knew the precedent was already set that when we saw each other it was because I said, when are we seeing each other? And there wasn't many times after that. There was maybe one or two times. We ended up going on a hike for the next time I saw him. Because when I had met up with him before, it was. It was a beautiful day. And where I live, there's a bunch of beautiful trails and it was wonderful. It was a great hike. Conversation felt natural. When I'm with, When I was with him, it didn't feel like the same energy of me initiating, being, getting the situation of getting together. It felt easy and there was a lot of chemistry, both conversational and physical. And by the way, just as a reminder, I am celibate. Okay, so just throwing that out there. So then how do I. So we go on a hike. Not a short hike, like almost five miles. And this hike took like two and a half hours. And I feel badly because, you know, again, he lives an hour, hour and a half away from me. He came to see me, we went on a hike. And I'm not about to ask this man to go and sit somewhere, I don't know, in like a nice restaurant when he probably doesn't have, like, you know what I'm saying? But we. I was hungry, so he end up ordering food to my house. We ate food. And basically there's a situation where kissing happened. Some pretty intense kissing. And I can't believe I'm sharing this. And I felt like if I had been okay with it, which I wasn't, because I'm celibate, it could have gone 0 to 100. We're just gonna say that. But I'm celibate and I'm not dating that way. Now, hindsight, I probably would have ended the date right after hiking and been like, thank you so much, see you later. But anyway, I did not let that happen. And we finished dinner and then out the door he went. And I kind of was like, okay, let's see what happens here. Because I'm kind of tired of initiating, like, I. The man that I end up with needs to be the leader. And I kind of already know what's going to happen here. So it might as well happen now, Especially since I've already told these other perfectly wonderful men that I am focusing in on this other guy. So I decide that I am no longer going to be the initiator. And I already know what's going to happen, which is he's going to, like, fall off the face of the earth. So. And I wanted to do it then because I'm like, okay, if we keep going at this pace, it could just. It could get out of control. And I would rather know right now before investing any more of my time at this point. I've seen him a few times, three, maybe four times. I'm like. But I would rather know now than get emotionally attached, emotionally involved, because I'm already getting excited about him, you know? So I put on the brakes, and I just sit back and I'm like, let's watch and see what happens. What proceeds to happen is he does the classic avoidant thing where he pulls back, which I knew was going to happen. And I don't run forward. I just let it be what it is. And then I get pretty sick, like, physically ill. Nothing to do with him. I just. Everyone was getting sick towards the end of the year, and this would have been. What month was this? November. And I don't hear from him for a few days, which is out of character because of, like, the pattern we had built. And he texts me something along the lines of, like, I miss you. And, like, I miss kissing you. And I was like, oh, I miss you, too. But there'll be no kissing, unfortunately, until I'm better, because I'm sick. So I let him know that because I was like, this will determine intentions. If this man wants to be a leader, a protector, a provider, he's going to figure out what he can do to help me. A great opportunity for him to step up, if you will. And he said, oh, no. Like, what can I do? And in my mind, I was already like, you would have known I got sick had you been keeping up with me? Because at this point, maybe it was past a few days. I think maybe it was like a week, a week or so. I don't know. But there had been time that passed. And I remember feeling like he would have known that I was sick or getting sick if he had made any effort to contact me. And he didn't. So still we're in this conversation, and I go, well, you can send me flowers. Because I knew that he wouldn't. Because everything in my gut was telling me, this guy wants to not this guy's intentions. And what my intentions for dating are are not the the same. So, as expected, he falls off the face of the earth. And I want to mention that I believe that a man that was really into me, if I say, you could send me flowers, would be on it, like, so fast. That's such an easy thing to do. Um, and there's no caveat because he had ordered food to my house. He had already come to my house before he had my address. There's no reason he couldn't. It's not like he couldn't afford it. It's not like he didn't know where or how he didn't want to. And then I don't hear from him. So I was doing things and acting in a way where I pulled back, tried to let him drive, which I knew he wouldn't, and then give him opportunity.
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We're so done with New Year, New you. This year it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too be more youe this year and find them on Bumble.
- [23:40]
A
Opportunities to step up, which he didn't. So then he falls off the face of the earth and I'm kind of in a. I go in waves of dating where, like, after I've been out with a couple people, I give myself a little bit of time to just, like, catch my breath and, like, re. Center and spend time with my friends and live my life. So I'm not seeing anybody else. And I still haven't. So this is my last experience. And this ended in, like, November, So. And it's January 11th right now. Wow. November, December, January. Wow. Okay. Anyway, so then a couple weeks pass. My birthday is right around Thanksgiving. So this year it was a little bit off. But sometimes it can be the day of Thanksgiving. My birthday is November 23rd, and I had posted something about my birthday probably, I think a picture, and I get a text from him that says, like, happy birthday, gorgeous. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like. In my mind, I was like, this is him trying to see if he can just sort of like, skirt his way right back into conversation. Oh, how you been? Blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, I'm not responding to that. Like, no, intentions were very clear. So that's what ended up happening. That's the full scoop with my dating experience in the end of the year and since then, like I said, I haven't been out with anyone. I have had a couple of spurts of communicating with people on dating apps, but then it just sort of doesn't pan out. And I. What I've understood and learned about dating apps this year is that you do need to make a commitment to be responsive and reply. It's almost. It is, it is disrespectful on both sides, in my opinion, to talk to someone and then let like two weeks pass and then hit them up again. It is the game of it. I know, like you get busy, you match with someone, you decide to go out with someone and then another conversation goes by the wayside. But it is kind of disenchanting to the recipient. And I'm guilty of this as well as being the recipient of this, of not replying and then two weeks later being like, hey, so if that happens where I'm the guilty party, I always try to say like, oh, fell off the face of the earth there. Sorry about that, still interested in meeting. But anyway, I had a couple rounds of like connecting with people on dating apps, but haven't met up with anyone. However, there is this man who was victim to that from me where we had talked, gosh, it must have been a month ago now, and I got sick again and we had a plan to meet up for a date and I couldn't go because I was like sick. I had a big sinus infection and not feeling good, so I had to cancel and he followed up with me to see how I was doing multiple times. I think he even asked if I needed anything. I'll have to go back to the text, but just very nice and sweet and I think the person that I'm going to end up with is just like really wholehearted that way. So that's nice to see. And I had a text on my phone from him from, gosh, a week ago now, checking in. And when I don't reply to texts and I when I haven't replied to texts and I want to reply, I will read it and then mark it on red. So it's almost like a to do. So I left it there and I'm just sort of like living life right now. And I sat down in my car today and I was like, I need to go through all my texts. So anyway, long story long, I replied to him and I said something along the lines of like, hi, I am sorry about not responding. Let's see what I Said, I can pull it up right here. I said I kind of fell off the map there for a minute. Thank you for checking in and being patient with me. I'd still love to meet up with you if you're up for it. And this man immediately responds and goes, I'm down. Glad. Glad you're back to life. When are you free? So we're coordinating a date, which means I might be going out with someone next week, which would be my first first date of 2025, which obviously I'm going to take you along. But that is the juicy updates of my dating life. And I don't know, I guess I'll end by saying a couple of the things that I believe about dating and how I'm approaching the year with dating. This is going to be. I'm going to do a full episode for this next week, which I'm batch recording right now. So I don't know if I'll be in the same outfit or not, but I'm putting this in another episode. But if you are single right now and you've been, maybe you just started online dating, maybe you've been doing the online dating thing for a while and not having luck. I empathize with you. I know how difficult it is. I know how frustrating it is when coupled up people who have never experienced the dating climate of right now, who have never experienced the dating app or even only experience a dating app from 10 years ago. I empathize with you and it is hard, but I'm going to share everything I learned. I'm going to talk more about this, but I think I'm going to do shorter dates for the first date. So no more dinners, just coffee or a drink. And then try to continuously date multiple people in the beginning stages and not narrow in like I made the mistake of at the end of this year. I'm gonna do a full episode on my approach to dating next episode, like I said, but I'm gonna close this out. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for loving on me, for supporting me. You guys are letting me live my dream and I really, I can't even believe it most days. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my job is to share my life. Like that's to me, in my mind that's a perfect career. So. And it's because of you. So I love you and I want to say thank you and I will see you in the next one. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really really appreciate it. I love you. Bye.