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Hello, and welcome to who is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi, guys. Welcome back to who is she? We have so much to catch up on. Oh, okay. The first thing I want to say is an unbelievable thank you to you because we have hit so many podcast charts. One episode and one week of relaunching this podcast, and the faith that you guys have in me, the commitment and loyalty that you have to me is just like, it's. I. I don't think my brain gets it. I don't think my brain understands. I. I can't take in the capacity of that. But I just want to say thank you as of today, which is I'm recording this. On January 20th, we hit top. Okay, wait. Number eight in the US for top society and culture podcasts. That means when you go on the Spotify app and you scroll down. I don't know if it's across all platforms, but I know on Spotify you scroll down under. You go to podcasts charts, and then society and culture, and you scroll down, we're number eight. And that's. I. I don't get it. I don't understand. I'm so grateful for it. I'm so, so grateful. I'm going to read out the other ones from today, because it's not just the US we're popping off everywhere. So number 21 in top society and culture podcast in Australia. Number 35, society and culture in Sweden. Number 39, top podcasts of all podcasts in Canada. What? Society and culture number 44 in Germany. Number 46, society and culture in the UK. Number 55. Top podcasts in the US so if you go to top podcasts on the podcast chart in Spotify and you scroll down to number 55, I should be there. And then number 68, top podcasts all podcasts in New Zealand. Top podcast number 110 in Australia. Top podcasts 145 in Ireland, number 168. Top podcasts in Austria, and top podcast number 185 in Poland, there are like millions of podcasts. And the fact that you are coming here to hang out with me and listen to what I have to say is just the best gift you could ever Give me. I say it all the time, but I'm literally living my dream because of you. And I, I don't ever want that to be taken for granted. I don't want it to ever get old. And I'm just so grateful for you. So I wanted to start the podcast out with just expressing my love for you. Thank you. Okay, the episode today is going to be my approach to dating in 2025. But before we get to that, I'm going to start out with life updates for you because I get a bunch of questions about this with the content that I post. So I figure this would be a great place to answer the things that I'm asked throughout the week. So some of you may have seen that I went to tour some apartments in San Francisco. So let me break this down and tell you, like, what is actually happening. So I own my house in San Jose. It's a condo. It's a one bedroom. It's. It's beautiful. I worked really hard on it. When I bought it, it was original. I gutted it and redid everything. So new floor painting, I painted it twice. Actually, I painted it three times, twice myself. New lighting, I gutted the bathroom. Everything's new there. It came with new appliances, but I did new backsplash, new cupboards, custom drawers, just I, I top to bottom. And I'm really proud of it. And it's literally customized for me because I designed it. So aside from some other things that are happening right now, I don't want to let this place go. And I don't ever when and if I buy real estate, this is the only thing so far in my life that I've bought. I don't want to let go of it. I don't think that would be a smart business decision. So the other thing is I don't want to move out because the San Francisco thing, I feel called to go there. I can't explain it other than when I'm there, literally. You can call it your gut feeling, I call it the Holy Spirit. I just feel that I am being pulled there and I have some inklings as to why. I have a feeling that I'm going to meet my person there, but it's just so vibrant. And when I'm there, I love it. And it's, it's. I just know that I need to be there, but I don't want to let go of my place. So right now, this is all very new to me. Being a full time creator, I had no idea how this was going to Go. And I did a big leap of faith out of a lot of prayer and some financial analysis to see if I could do it. And it's going really well so far. So with all that said, the plan is to keep my place and rent a place in San Francisco so that I don't have to do a big move because I've lived here for, gosh, I don't even know, seven years. I've lived here for a while and I've got not a ton of stuff, but I don't want to do. I don't want to move right now. I don't think that San Francisco is going to be permanent. I think it's just going to be something that is a part of a chapter in my life. So for that reason, I just want to rent a place in San Francisco. Um, so I know there was some confusion about that. No, I am not getting rid of my place. So that's that. You may have also seen that there's been a little drama with the application that I submitted. So, Charlie, my puppy, she's not a puppy. She's gonna be eight this year. Was at one time I had an emotional support animal letter for her from my doctor. Um, and that was long time ago, around the time that I was moving into here. And I haven't had a reason to need that renewed because I haven't moved anywhere. And, you know, there. There wasn't any reason to get that renewed. And I think it expires on an annual basis. You have to get it renewed. So I'm in the process through multiple means of trying to get that renewed because I submitted an application that was denied officially today. But we're not taking no as an answer. Okay. So before freaking out about it, I replied to my contact who is the existing tenant who's helping me, and I said, you know, would you mind passing this on that I'm trying to get a renewed letter and it should be coming soon. And so basically where we're at is it's a denied application, but there's nothing stopping me from reapplying once I have that. And I'm just trusting God that if this is the. That I should be in, that it will happen. And if not, there's going to be something better. So that's the update with the apartment and the ESA letter and the application as of right now, 7:30pm on January 20th. Other life updates. This might seem silly to some people, so feel free to fast forward, but it's kind of relating to one of the other Updates that I have, which is that I am sober off of Starbucks for three weeks, maybe a little bit more. And the backstory to that is that I would get Starbucks every single morning. I'm not exaggerating every morning because it was a part of my routine. It was the thing that made sure that I got dressed, for the most part, left the house and got my butt to the gym. That's. That was part of it is like, if I do this, then I get Starbucks. Whatever. It was terrible habit. But I was there every day. And this is not a short term thing. This has been happening for years. And so if you think about it, 33% of my diet has been Starbucks, which is terrible. There's nothing against Starbucks. I'm just saying the food that I was getting ultra processed and the coffee that I was getting probably wasn't the healthiest for me. So I got to the point where I was like, I really just don't want this anymore. It wasn't like, I shouldn't do this, so I'm gonna stop doing it. It was a. I don't desire this. So I feel really, really grateful for that. The reason I tell you that is because I am also getting a test on my gut through a stool test that I will be doing this week to understand because, you know, I've had skin issues for a while. My exact gut microbiome, and not just throwing things at the wall and seeing if they stick, because that's what I've been doing for the last, like two years. And really understanding my specific body trigger foods, the chain pieces in the chain of my gut microbiome that are missing that may be causing my skin issues and possibly other things in my body that I'm, you know, not connecting. And so I'm guessing with part of that, that Starbucks would not have been a great thing to be a core pillar of my diet. So there's that and then the last thing. Last update is that I'm taking a lot of dance fitness classes. I've gotten very bored and just bleh off of weightlifting, which is my preferred workout technically. And I go in through phases of like, absolutely just dreading it and not wanting to do it. And I. I am a firm advocate that you just have to find something that you like to do, so keep doing it to stay in shape. So I'm taking a break off of weightlifting. And I am. I've been taking dance fitness classes. And I'm not exaggerating. Last week I took one every single day. One day I even Took two. So I'm taking Ujam, which is like a hip hop version of Zumba. Zumba. Bali X, which is like a Bollywood version of Zumba. I took Bar. What else did I take? I think I took multiple Bali X classes. So I think I was so active that my period was late because my body was, like, freaking out. It's like, slow down. So those are my life updates. Okay. I hope those answered lots of questions that I've been getting. So with my approach to dating in 2025, I want to start out by talking about 2024 and, like, what I learned and what happened last year so that we can get to this year and understand the why behind things and break down the experience. So. And I have notes here so that I don't forget anything. So in 2024, honestly, I don't think I had any kind of strategy in dating other than I knew that I was going to be celibate. After a certain point, I kind of broke down what happened last year and why I decided to make that decision to be celibate. And if you want to hear more about that, that is in episode. Gosh, I don't even know what number it is, but it's dating God's way. And it breaks down. Oh, my gosh, Charlie's crawling on the couch, and I don't want her to hit the wires or the lights. Okay. Anyway, it breaks down my decision for being celibate. But other than that, I didn't really know. I was just sort of trying and seeing what would happen. And the only thing that I had in my mind was obviously I wasn't going to go for low effort, but I, you know, other than that and being celibate, there wasn't a strategy and learned a lot. And by the way, I'm kind of. I'm kind of really proud of this. I just made my decision on celibacy. D. Celibate dating. End of February of last year, I believe it was. It was either end of February or beginning of March. And so it'll almost be a year. It's about end of January right now, so that's. I think that's kind of cool. Um, and it's also interesting that my journey to celibacy and the dates that I went on this last year, I didn't really get past, like, the initial dating phases. So, like, second and third dates. And I wonder. I. I'm not saying there's a direct correlation because that's not something that, like, sit down and go, hi, I'm Danielle. And I'm celibate. Like. Like, I don't think it's an appropriate. I think there's a time and place for that conversation. So I'm not saying there's a direct correlation, but I do think that's interesting, both probably on the male side and my side, because sex hasn't confused any part of the interactions that I've been having. So it takes a lot of the confusion out of the situation. So basically no strategy. And what that means is if I was asked on a dinner date, I would go. If I was asked to go to drinks, I would go. If I was asked to go to coffee, I would go. And interestingly enough, that ended me with. I ended up having a lot of dinner dates last year for first dates. That's really important. And what I found was that probably isn't the best strategy. And I know some of you are going, we told you this. But I had to try it for myself and see, because I was of the mindset of if he's not willing to invest, meaning you sit down and have dinner, the time and the resources to spend time with me, then how interested really is he? And number one, I see the logic there, but I don't know if that's altogether fair, because if we're all dating and we're going out with different people, like, I don't know how realistic that is. And the other thing that I've been hearing a lot is when men meet women, in their mind, they start at zero, meaning you meet, and then you start rising in value in their eyes based on the interactions that you have with them. And with women, it's different. And that's why we want the. The dinner as the first date and the investment and all of that, because we want to be seen the way that we are seeing this person that we don't know yet with. They start at 100 full potential, and then we'll see how the interaction goes, and they go down from there. So what I found was on these dinner dates because I was. I was investing the time and the energy in getting ready and making myself really pretty and putting on the dress and putting on the heels and doing the hair. And we broke it down. It was about an hour and a half, hour and 36 minutes to be exact, on average, on each date. It feels like it was a lot more. But that's a lot of time to spend on someone that you don't know or preparing for that. And then I would get to the date and the dinner would be like two to two and a half hours because it was a first date and we're getting to know each other and also simultaneously going through possibly drinks and an appetizer and a, you know, first course or whatever. And that takes time. So what I found was, and this is probably why when I would make my date videos of, like, before and after going on these dates, they sounded similar because I found myself looking for the good, which is not a bad thing to do. But I think it made me because I invested this time and this energy. I wanted to like the person, and I think I'll always have that quality about me. But maybe it wasn't. The playing field was not level because I had already the investment that I had made in it. I don't know if that makes sense, but, like, if I were to just meet someone for 30 minutes for a coffee casually in between my already planned day, the investment I would have would be lower than me trying to make something work because of the investment that I made on, you know, not just that, but I guess also the communication beforehand, all of that. Anyway, so I found that, especially as an anxious attachment and a person with anxious attachment and with limerence, that it isn't necessarily healthy to. For me to invest that much because it tricks my brain into thinking that I like them more. And I don't mean that I wouldn't like someone like they're a bad person. I just mean, should I really be going out with this person again, or is this just me trying to compensate because we've invested this time in this energy? So with that said, my strategy for 2025 is going to be very different when it comes to dating. Number one, first dates will always be coffee or getting a drink. And I'm gonna try to keep it to an hour or less because I. I just don't want to end up in the situation where I'm making things out to be better than they actually are or fabricating chemistry. I think that's what it was. It's like, I don't want to trick my brain into thinking there's more chemistry than there is or more compatibility than there actually is, or ignore hi, Mama or. Or ignore possible red flags, which I don't think I really had a problem with that this year, praise God. But it's. That's going to be first date, and then the first date, which is an hour or less and very casual, which will determine if I want to go out with them again. I think that's the point of a first date is like, is There seemingly enough compatibility that and mutual chemistry that we would want to see each other again. Also, I think I'm going to go on a lot more dates. I mean, hopefully I find my person quickly, but if that doesn't happen, I'm game to go on a lot of dates because I first being celibate, there's no, like, it's not messy, it's just, it's, it's not a business meeting, but it's just meeting people and seeing if there's something there. And if not, it's no different than just like going into a coffee shop and having a conversation with someone who's sitting next to you. And I think that's what dating is supposed to be. I think we make dating out to be this huge, grand thing that if you do too much, it's taboo. And, and I think that has to do with our. How inept we are socially now because of social media. In the olden days, you'd be able to go to a coffee shop or a bar or a restaurant and strike up a conversation with someone and then possibly exchange information. That was normal. Actually, I was listening to a podcast. I don't remember which one it was, so I can't quote it, but it was a staggering statistic of how people met other, their spouses, their partners, 50 years ago, versus actually it might have been in 1950. So that would have been 70ish years ago. 70 years and some change. 74 to be exact. And they said, I think the stat was that 70% of people from the 1950s era met their spouse at a dance that we don't have anymore. We don't have dances now. We have concerts and we have like clubs. But that's, it's not the same thing. Like, I'm talking like you'd wear your nice dress. There was partner dancing, you rotated partners, people would ask you to dance. It was, it was kind of like an old school, like, I don't even want to say high school dance because you went with a date. But anyway, we are so, so socially inept that I think it's also affected the art of dating and makes dating seem like a taboo subject when it really isn't. It doesn't need to be this thing that is. Oh, well, she went out with three guys last week. You know what? That, that's such BS in my opinion. I think that it's just human interaction. Oh my God. Stinky. Shoot, I lost my train of thought. So, gosh, I really wanted to say that. What was it anyway? I'M really excited at the prospect of dating this year. I also think that I might do a series on dating in the wild where I only go out with men that I meet at first in real life, meaning I'm out at a coffee shop out, I'm at a restaurant, friend of a friend, whatever it is. I think what I want to do is test out the dating apps once I get an apartment in San Francisco and see how that goes first. And then there's so much mixed feedback about San Francisco and what that's gonna bring me, but I'm optimistic. Okay. I. I can't explain it. I just know I'm gonna have some great experiences, and I just. I feel called to go there, and I feel like it's gonna work out, so. So I think that that is going to be the beginning strategy of dating. So first and first date to determine if I want to go. The second date, meaning hour or less, drink or coffee. And then the other part of my strategy is I'm really going to employ the Olympic dating methodology. I heard this through a dating coach, I believe. His name is Anwar White, and he is fabulous. I love him. But it basically means that you have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist. And until you become exclusive with someone, you are consistently dating multiple people at the same time for a reason, because that allows you to not narrow in on any one person. And as an anxious attachment limerent, I need that because I tend to do that, and I tend to make things out to be better than they actually are, and I tend to ignore red flags, so I don't want to do that. And when you have multiple people, like I said last week, who are courting you, it's easier to see things as they are. I failed at that this year. I got really excited about one person who I knew was not gonna work out. But just the comparison and how I felt with him versus the other two people that I had started seeing, I was like, this has to. This difference in how I feel makes it feel like it's not fair to them. And looking back on it, if I find myself in that situation again, hopefully I won't find myself in a situation where I'm dating someone that I know it's not gonna work out. I think I was just, like, futilely optimistic there. But I won't do that again. And this doesn't mean. Again, like I said last week, this doesn't mean that I'm going to be seeing three different people for six to eight months. It means in the Beginning stages of dating, I'm going to watch behavior. And until I become exclusive with someone, I'm not going to narrow in on anyone, which is what dating should be. I get so frustrated because. And I don't know where it came from. I. I think it's maybe social conditioning from the movies that we saw growing up and maybe just, you know, other influences. But I even. I didn't always think like this. I remember when I first started dating and the thought of going out with one person and then going out with another, I not only didn't like that, I felt guilty about it. And I think that's wild. You don't know this person. Why would you owe them anything? I think what you owe them is to be a kind human and honesty. But I don't think you owe them your exclusivity right off the bat. I mean, that's crazy to me. But strangely enough, I feel like that's where a lot of us. That's where our mindsets were, especially. I don't know if it's like this for Gen Z, but I'm a millennial. And especially for us. I mean, when I was in college, it felt like you would like someone, and then before you were even together officially, you would have already decided and you were just only seeing that one person. And it was. It's the strangest thing because it takes, like, the dating out of it, I think. So, you know, we're just learning a lot over here, and I'm really excited. And I also want to say this. I am really, really happy. I know that a lot of people have their opinions of me and my life and who they think I am and what they think I stand for. And, you know, I have grown a very tough skin to be able to not let that affect me for the most part. I feel like when it's what I've determined is the subject of ridicule, if it's a new subject, it takes me a minute to develop thick skin. But, you know, we're. We've gotten through a lot of different types of insults, but I'm sharing the. The one part of my life that I feel is not complete yet. And I think a lot of people incorrectly assume that I'm really unhappy and that I'm just pining for my person and that this is the sole focus of my life. And in reality, it's actually the opposite. I have great friends. I've been very successful in my life. I own my home. I don't worry about. I'm very blessed I'm very fortunate and I'm very happy and I love my family and I have different things that I like to do. I go to the gym, I walk my dog, I take dance classes, I see my friends, I cook for my friends, I host at my house. My life is so full. It's so, so full. And something about content creation. And I think the reason why I've been so successful is because I am sharing a very vulnerable side of my life that is incomplete as of right now because I am single. But I just want to set the record straight that just because I'm single doesn't mean that I'm not just crazy happy. So just to be really, really clear about that. But I think there's something really beautiful about sharing vulnerable parts of yourself and the shared human collective experience that we have. And I know that this is helping people. I get messages all the time that are like, you gave me the confidence to go on a date and I haven't been on a date in years and that is so cool. So I just wanted to say that. I also wanted to say that if you are putting yourself out there, whether you're. I don't, I don't know, I feel like people start following me. My widest age demographics are 24. Where does it start? 20 something to. It's. The overall thing is like mid 20s to 40, I want to say. And regardless, regardless of how old you are, if you are just starting to date for the first time in your life or maybe you've dated off and on but haven't really actually dated, you've gone out on, you've done the thing that I described where you go on a date with someone and then when, well, I guess this person is going to be my boyfriend. But you haven't actually dated, meaning going out with multiple people and seeing if there's a connection. Or maybe you've been married or with a long term partner or spouse before and it didn't work out and you thought your life was going to go one way and now you're here and trying to figure it out all over again and you really, really want partnership and you're thinking about or have been putting yourself out there. I want you to know that sometimes you need to go through the experiences in order to figure out what is the right way for you. So while I'm sharing my experience, maybe some of the things that I share will work for you, but maybe they won't and that's okay. And on that note, anyone who tries to tell you how they think you should date is something that maybe you just thank them for their concern, and then you do what you know is right for you in that moment. I just want to give you the encouragement there. Um, and I also. This probably should have been at the beginning of the episode, but I'm. I'm. I. I bet there's a lot of people that identify with this. I'm done with getting advice from people who have not dated in this climate. And when I say that, I mean, if you haven't been on a date in the last five years, that came from a dating app, I don't want your advice, because you don't know what it's like out here now. There are certain things that are globally transferable. I understand that, and human interaction and stuff, but the judgment that comes from people who are coupled up or married that have never done what we're out here doing, I don't want to hear it. And I think in a loving way, I'd like to express that. If you are listening to this and you're thinking about that one single friend that you might have, I would encourage you that what they need right now is not probably your advice. They just need your support, because it's really, really hard. Dating is also a very vulnerable thing, because repeatedly, you're putting yourself out there for potential rejection and also opening up parts of yourself and sharing vulnerable things with virtual strangers. How much or how little is up to the person, obviously, but you have to do that over and over again. Bottom line is, instead of telling your single friends what they should do and what they're doing wrong and silently judging them, have a little empathy and just say that they're doing a great job and maybe ask them some questions if you want to point them in the right direction. That. I mean, that's what I think, at least. And hopefully when I find my person and the dating climate has changed, five to ten years from now, whenever it ends up being, I can follow that advice, too. Okay, I think I'm gonna go ahead and end it here. I'm so excited for this. I can't. I can't express to you how excited I am. I think this podcast is gonna be massive. And right now, I did a little Instagram story about my setup, which is literally my computer, my little audio interface. I've got a camera, two lights, and I'm in my home with my dog. I don't have a team. I don't have an engineer. I don't have an editor. I'm doing it all by myself right now in this moment. And so the success that's coming from this is just wild to me. I'm so grateful and it makes me really, really excited for what's going to come after this, what we have next. So before I end, really important, if you could do me a solid. A lot of people listen to their favorite podcasts on whatever platform, Apple or Spotify or other. Those are the main two. I'm also on YouTube, so if you prefer YouTube, you can watch me there. But they don't follow on those platforms. It's not like Instagram, where it's sort of like in the nature. So whatever platform you're on, if you go to the main podcast page, usually you can get there by tapping on who is she? Where it's playing on your phone and just tap the follow button. That would be really great. That would really, really help me out. And if you could, it takes two seconds, leave a hopefully five star review. But if you know, user discretion, whatever you want to put there, that would be awesome and I really, really appreciate that. All right, that's it. I. I'll see you later. Love you. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. By.