S2 EP3: ask D advice column - Who Is She

Summary

Podcast Summary: Who Is She?
Episode: S2 EP3: Ask D Advice Column
Host: Danielle Walter
Release Date: February 1, 2025

Introduction

In episode 3 of Season 2 of Who Is She?, host Danielle Walter delves into her listeners' questions, offering thoughtful advice on navigating the complexities of dating, personal growth, and relationship dynamics in one’s late 20s and early 30s. This episode serves as an extension of Danielle's role as a "big sister" figure, providing insights drawn from her own experiences and learnings.

Life Updates

Danielle begins the episode by sharing significant personal updates, setting the stage for her advice by highlighting recent developments in her life.

Moving to San Francisco ([02:30])

Danielle announces her plans to move to San Francisco on February 14, 2025. This transition is aimed at immersing herself in a more central location aligned with her target demographic, allowing her to build a community in an urban setting. She reflects on the challenges faced during the apartment search process and emphasizes the importance of trusting in a higher plan while taking proactive steps. Danielle states:

"I know if you feel like something that you're being pulled to something and you know in your gut that it's right, nobody else needs to understand it. You just need to do it." ([05:10])
First Date of 2025 ([10:15])

Sharing her excitement, Danielle mentions her upcoming first date of the year. She is implementing new dating strategies, such as keeping the first date short and intentional, aiming to assess compatibility without overcommitting initially.

"I am meeting up for one drink, maybe an hour or so, and that's it. And then seeing if I want to go on a second date." ([12:45])

Q&A Section

Danielle addresses a series of anonymous listener questions, offering personalized advice grounded in her experiences.

Do You Message Men First on Dating Apps? ([15:30])

Danielle discusses the shift from traditional dating norms where men were expected to initiate conversations. She introduces the "drop the handkerchief" method, encouraging women to take the first step in messaging men on dating platforms like Bumble.

"It's foolproof. If I see James either on Hinge or the swiping section, I will say, hi, James." ([16:05])
Have You Thought of a Matchmaker? ([20:50])

While acknowledging the potential benefits of using a matchmaker, Danielle expresses reservations due to the high costs and her desire to experience organic dating. She considers this option for her late 30s if still single.

"I want to be with the right person. And if that takes a little bit longer, I'm looking forward to the experiences as well." ([21:30])
How Did You Get Started with Social Media? Did You Reach Out to Brands in the Beginning? ([25:00])

Danielle chronicles her journey to social media success, which began as a coping mechanism post-breakup. Initially experimenting with fashion and DIY content, she found her stride by sharing authentic, relatable advice videos that resonated with a broader audience. Her breakthrough came with a "Things I Wish I Knew" video that went viral, propelling her follower count from 200 to 130,000 within a weekend.

"Sometimes the best creation comes out of spontaneity." ([28:40])
Why Do You Wear Makeup to the Gym, Especially with Acne-Prone Skin? ([35:10])

Addressing concerns about acne, Danielle explains her balanced approach to makeup. She acknowledges past struggles with acne exacerbated by makeup tools but now opts for minimal makeup to boost her confidence without significantly impacting her skin.

"I feel better when I put myself together." ([37:25])
How Do You Get Over Limerence? ([42:00])

Danielle defines limerence as obsessive infatuation driven by anxious attachment and offers strategies to manage it. She emphasizes self-discipline, accountability with friends, and focusing on personal growth to mitigate obsessive thoughts.

"Hold yourself accountable and disciplined." ([43:15])
Met a Guy Via Friends and Hit It Off, Then Nothing. What Would You Do? ([48:50])

Suggesting proactive yet non-intrusive approaches, Danielle advises sending a friendly message referencing their initial meeting or inviting him to group activities. If there’s no response, she recommends moving on, reinforcing that it's not the seeker's responsibility.

"If you're not getting a response, that's not really your problem or your responsibility." ([50:30])
Methods for Filtering Out Weirdos on Dating Apps ([55:00])

Danielle outlines her filtering criteria on dating apps, including religious alignment, height preferences, and genuine profile presentation (e.g., avoiding excessive filters or inappropriate photos). She stresses the importance of non-negotiables and effective self-screening.

"Think about what matters to you and make your own list of filters." ([56:45])
How to Deal with an Avoidant Man ([1:02:20])

Addressing relationships with avoidant individuals, Danielle advises recognizing that one cannot change another’s attachment style. She recommends focusing on personal well-being, understanding one's own patterns, and seeking professional therapy if needed.

"You cannot change him. He needs to want to change for himself." ([1:03:10])
Best Advice for a Married Gal in Her Early 20s Trying to Make Like-Minded Friends ([1:10:05])

Although relating to a scenario Danielle hasn't personally experienced, she provides actionable steps for building friendships as an adult. These include engaging in community activities, attending classes aligned with personal interests, and consistently investing time and energy into new social opportunities.

"Make sure to consistently dedicate yourself to putting yourself in new situations around new people." ([1:11:30])
Can You Describe How You Created a Calendar Last Year for Reaching Your Goals? ([1:15:45])

Danielle shares her goal-setting process from the previous year, which involved writing down big goals, breaking them into sub-goals, and organizing them into a physical calendar with motivational stickers. She reflects on the benefits and potential improvements, such as allowing for more flexibility.

"It makes me feel happy and makes me want to do more." ([1:18:20])
Finding a Man at the Gym and Dating App Preferences ([1:22:35])

Combining insights from earlier topics, Danielle discusses the pros and cons of meeting potential partners in the gym versus using dating apps. She acknowledges the success others have had in the gym setting but advises proceeding with caution due to the potential for awkwardness if things don’t work out.

"Proceed with caution and know that it might not work out." ([1:24:10])
Is It Wrong to Bring Up the Distance on a First Date? ([1:28:50])

Danielle suggests that while it's not inherently wrong to discuss physical distance early on, it should be approached thoughtfully after establishing fundamental compatibility. She provides a sample script to address the concern in a way that invites open dialogue.

"Give the man an opportunity to step up in his masculine." ([1:30:05])
Have You Ever Shared Your Testimony on a Social Media Platform? ([1:33:15])

Affirming her openness, Danielle confirms sharing her personal testimony on social media and within specific podcast episodes aimed at exploring faith and personal history.

"If you want to know more about me personally, my story literally tells my life story." ([1:34:00])
One Thing from Your Solo Life You Imagine Missing the Most When You Find Your Person ([1:35:40])

Reflecting on personal freedom, Danielle discusses the aspects of her current single life she cherishes, such as having sole control over her time and decisions. She expresses gratitude for this phase while recognizing the fulfillment that a committed relationship brings.

"There is a freedom that I have right now with my time and my energy and my emotions and my life that I just won't have anymore." ([1:36:55])
What if a Guy I Like Doesn't Respond to My Text Because of His Family Trauma? ([1:38:10])

Danielle advises interpreting a lack of response as a sign of insufficient interest rather than solely attributing it to family trauma. She encourages giving the person space and moving forward if communication remains unreciprocated.

"He doesn't like you enough. Move on from that situation." ([1:39:45])
Good Conversation Starters/Questions to Ask on Dating Apps ([1:40:50])

Emphasizing authenticity, Danielle recommends keeping conversations casual and natural, mirroring in-person dialogue rather than relying on manufactured openers.

"Just be normal and talk as if you're having a conversation in person." ([1:41:20])
Best Dating Advice You Can Think of for a 30-Year-Old Woman ([1:43:00])

Capturing the essence of her advice, Danielle stresses the importance of prioritizing compatibility over superficial attractions. She urges listeners to trust their instincts and avoid investing time in relationships that don't align with their core values and compatibility.

"Compatibility is the most important thing over physical attraction." ([1:44:35])

Conclusion

Danielle wraps up the episode by acknowledging the abundance of questions received and hints at a potential follow-up episode to address remaining inquiries. She reinforces her commitment to providing actionable advice and fostering a supportive community for her listeners.

Notable Quotes

"Be more you this year and find them on Bumblebee." ([00:01])
"If you feel like something that you're being pulled to something and you know in your gut that it's right, nobody else needs to understand it. You just need to do it." ([05:10])
"It's foolproof. If I see James either on Hinge or the swiping section, I will say, hi, James." ([16:05])
"Sometimes the best creation comes out of spontaneity." ([28:40])
"I feel better when I put myself together." ([37:25])
"Hold yourself accountable and disciplined." ([43:15])
"If you're not getting a response, that's not really your problem or your responsibility." ([50:30])
"Think about what matters to you and make your own list of filters." ([56:45])
"You cannot change him. He needs to want to change for himself." ([1:03:10])
"It makes me feel happy and makes me want to do more." ([1:18:20])
"Proceed with caution and know that it might not work out." ([1:24:10])
"Give the man an opportunity to step up in his masculine." ([1:30:05])
"There is a freedom that I have right now with my time and my energy and my emotions and my life that I just won't have anymore." ([1:36:55])
"He doesn't like you enough. Move on from that situation." ([1:39:45])
"Just be normal and talk as if you're having a conversation in person." ([1:41:20])
"Compatibility is the most important thing over physical attraction." ([1:44:35])

Final Thoughts

Episode 3 of Who Is She? offers a comprehensive exploration of contemporary dating challenges and personal development strategies. Through candid sharing and practical advice, Danielle Walter reinforces her role as a trusted guide for women navigating the intricate landscape of relationships and self-growth in their 20s and 30s.

Transcript

A (0:01)

We're so done with new Year, new you. This year it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want and you know what? We love that for you, someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumblebee.

B (0:26)

Hello and welcome to who is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi, guys, and welcome back to who is she? I'm so happy you're here. This episode, we are going to be talking about your questions. We are going to be going through the things that you guys have submitted to me to answer. Now, a lot of you might not know this, but in creating content, I actually started out by sharing things that I've learned in my life, and that's before I even started sharing my dating life. That's where I originated. So I started doing teaching content and just sharing things that I've learned in my life, and a lot of people resonated with that. For a while, my I was known as more of like big sister advice. So I never want to lose that because regardless of what I'm learning right now, because we're always learning, I think that I've lived my life so far and I have things to share and it might help people. So. And a lot of people resonate with the things I wish I knew or the big sister advice. So that's what this episode is going to be about. I'm really excited. I took your guys'I did like a little question box on Instagram of things you want to know or advice that you want to hear or my opinions on things or whatever it is. So I have a bunch of questions and we're just going to go down the line and I'm sure it's going to be a very interesting conversation. Before we get to that, I kind of like doing the segments of life updates here to answer questions that I get throughout the week. So I have big news. You may have seen that I was applying for an apartment in San Francisco and I was running into roadblocks, which I kind of had an experience Where I had the choice of if I wanted to just trust God with it or worry about it and stress over it. And stress over it. And I chose to really just pray over it and then give it to God. And there were a couple of roadblocks that I hit. Which on that point I want to note that like, I think a lot of people get the whole waiting on God scripture wrong. Waiting on God doesn't mean that you do nothing. It means you act in the best of your ability according to what, what you think God has for you. So anyway, I didn't just sit on my hands and do nothing, but when challenges arose, I prayed over it and I did what I thought I should do. And anyway, all that to say I got the apartment. I am moving in on February 14, which is just over two weeks from now. It's January 28 today that I'm recording. So perfect amount of time as I've discussed. But if you haven't heard before, it will be my second place. I have. I own my condo. When I say I own my condo, I mean I have a mortgage on my condo. I don't own it outright, but that's instead of renting, you own when you are buying it. So I'm not moving out of this place as of yet, but I'm just going to be using my apartment in San Francisco to be a little bit more central to our age demographic, to test out what living in a city versus suburb is like to really build a community out there. Because a lot of things in my current life, the chapter is ending. So my best friend just moved to LA to pursue her dreams of acting and filmmaking. And we both are kind of in the space of life where we realize in the moment, which is such a gift, that if we don't do it now, if not now, when? Like, I don't want to be 60 years old and regret not doing the things that light my soul on fire when I had an opportunity to do them. So anyway, San Francisco is happening. I have not signed the lease yet, but I have it in my possession and I'm going to be reading it in depth today and probably sending it off along with some questions to the landlord today. So that's very exciting. I am very exciting. It hasn't really hit me yet, if I'm being honest. I was on the phone with my friend friend today and I was kind of like blase about it. So Shay, sorry for being like. But I think once things are moving, like things are in motion, it's gonna start hitting me. And maybe only when I'm there will it really hit me. I'm not sure, but I'm very excited for the idea of it. And it's something that I have wanted but also have felt called to do, which nobody understands, but nobody needs to understand it. And that's a word in itself. If you feel like something, that you're being pulled to something and you know in your gut that it's right, nobody else needs to understand it. You just need to do it. So that's life update number one. Life update number two. This is very impromptu, but I do have my first date of 2025. Tonight. I am going to be implementing the new strategies that I talked about on the last episode, which is I am meeting up for one drink, maybe an hour or so, and that's it. And then seeing if I want to go on a second date. But not spending three hours with someone on a first date, keeping it low key, not putting. I don't want to say I'm not putting effort, but I'm not going to treat a first date like an end all, be all, like I usually do. So that's exciting. And I think that's it for the life updates. All right, let's get into your questions. Okay. And these are going to be anonymous. So if you submitted a question, don't worry. And for future episodes, because I'll do this again. If you want to submit a question but you're scared that your identity will be revealed, it won't. They'll be anonymous. Okay, first question. Do you message men first on dating apps? I'm so tired of low or no effort. So I was like this at first, too, where I was like, they have to reach out to me first. And if they're not putting the effort to send a message and be thoughtful, then they're. They're low effort. And why would I go out with them? And I kind of took a step back and I was like, that sort of defeats the whole drop the handkerchief methodology. Which is where, um, really, it's a. What would you even call that? A masculine, feminine or dating dynamic. Which is a dating dynamic. I. I'd say where basically in the olden days, if a woman was interested in a man, she would drop her handkerchief. We carried handkerchiefs back then. And if a man saw that and was interested in her, he'd go pick it up and it would be a conversation opener. And we're so conditioned to believe that men should be doing everything at all times, including initiating first, that we've forgotten that we have a lot of control as a woman and in our feminine energy to open the conversation. So drop the handkerchief is a metaphor for that, where it's actually the woman that is opening the conversation. And then the. The man can drive if you're. If that's what you want. So I used to be more on the side of if he doesn't message me first, if he just likes my picture, or if we just match and no one has said anything, he needs to be the one that messages first. And I kind of just threw that out the window. And what I've been trying, which works almost every time and it's so simple that it's crazy, is dropping the handkerchief in its most simple form. It's foolproof. And. Okay, I'm just gonna tell you. So let's say the guy's name is James. If I see James either on. Because I have a paid version of Hinge, if I see that he's liked me or if I'm on the swiping section, either way, I will either match with him if he's already liked me, or swipe or like him if we haven't yet. And I will say, hi, James. Two words. That's it. You don't need to say, hi, James. How's your day going? Hi, James. And you don't even need to do exclamation point or emojis or anything. It just signals to them that you called them out by name. You're opening the conversation and saying, I'm actually interested in talking to you rather than just like, swipe, swipe, swiping. And every time I've done this, they pick it up and they go, hi, Danielle, how are you? And they start driving. It's the simplest, weirdest thing. But that's been my method that's almost foolproof that I've been using Oops. That I've been using recently. Okay. Have you thought of a matchmaker? I'm so intrigued. I wouldn't be opposed to it, but matchmakers are really, really expensive. And so if I'm being really, really honest, I would only consider it in my late 30s. I want to say I'm 32, and I just. I think I like the experience of dating. I think it's going to be something that dating is sort of a once in a lifetime thing, because once you find your partner, that's your partner. And I don't. I'm not adverse to it. So I don't want to rob myself of that experience. And I'm not in this Position where I just want to get married right now. Like, I want to be with the right person. And if that takes a little bit longer, and if I have to have a couple years of experiences before I actually find that person, I'm looking forward to the experiences as well. Because I also think that in dating, you get to know yourself a lot. And. And it's also really good practice for communicating boundaries, communicating your wants and needs, and just growing as a person. So matchmaker, maybe down the line, but not right now. Possibly late 30s, if I'm still single by that point. How did you get started with social media? Did you reach out to brands in the beginning? Okay, so you may have heard this story before because I talk about it on stories sometimes. But the road to a million followers on Instagram was definitely not overnight. Although certain things I did got me there once I learned how to do them. So rewind to 2021. I had just been broken up with by someone that I wanted to marry. I was the most in love I've ever been in love in my whole life. I think I've only been in love twice in my life. And I got dumped. He didn't feel the same. He. He loved me and I knew he loved me, but he didn't love me enough to make me his person forever and marry me. So I was heartbroken. And I looked up around at my life and he also moved across the country. So it was a big. Just rip and not replace, but just like a. My life just, like, ripped apart. And I looked up around at my life and I was like, oh, wow. Also, over the last year and a half or so, I haven't made any effort with my friends. So I also have no friends. So I got dumped and I have no friends because, you know, when you get into a relationship, you laser focus on them. It was also right after the pandemic, so me and this person quarantined together. And we were together all the time. And so social interaction, getting together with friends wasn't what it usually is. And I promise I'm landing this plane. It's just. This is part of it. So when I was looking around at my life and going, okay, literally like Phoenix rising from the ashes, I am just like ashes on the ground. And I'm like, I gotta. I gotta make some moves here. I started to think about what I wanted my life to look like and what that might include. So I started getting more involved in my church worship team and serving in the babies department. I went to a church class where I met my best friend that I just referenced in the beginning of this episode who became my best friend almost like instantly. And three years passed by and now we're here today. I started hosting at my house and being a better friend and just reaching out just to see how my friends were. And then I also started creating content. And at first I had no idea what I was doing. I started out actually doing fashion posts and basically replicating what I had seen a couple other girls do and taking their formula and trying to use it for my myself, which is not a bad thing. It's. But it's where I started and the fashion thing was not. It wasn't sustainable for me because I didn't love it enough. So I took a break from that. I actually think I launched. I'm trying to think about when this was. I launched a, a blog, like an actual blog, and it was about online shopping and fashion and DIY stuff. So I had kind of an aim, but I didn't really know what I was doing or you know, how to do it. And that failed. So I put that into hibernation, came back, tried to do the fashion thing, realized that the fashion thing probably wasn't for me. So then I just started being like, I don't care, I'm just gonna post everything. And you hear it in all of the social media gurus advice and their courses and stuff that pick a niche, find a niche and only post about that so that people know you for that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I advise against that. I advise you to post everything as long as you can keep up with it for editing and see what you like, see what people like and what those two things in conjunction how that makes you feel. So in the beginning of my content journey, I was posting everything. I don't even. I mean, there was like me trying to grow an herb garden, I think there was cooking, there was outfits, things I got on Amazon, blah, blah, blah. And one day I posted a Things I Wish I Knew video. So things I Wish I knew earlier in my 20s and at the time I was 29, so as an almost 30 year old and I had no investment in it because I had like 200 followers on TikTok and I'm like, no one's looking at this anyway, so why not? Which is a beautiful thing. If you're just starting with content, if you're afraid of people seeing, eventually I'm going to tell you you need to get over that. Like your friends and family seeing you posting content. That's just. If if you have to consider, let's say you're super successful in content, your friends and family are going to find out and see your content. You need to be brave enough to do that. And once you do it and you get over that, then you're done with that. You don't have to face that again. So there's that. But it's a beautiful thing about having no following is that not really many people are looking at you anyway. And if you can't deal with people looking at you that you know, like, let's say your friends and family seeing that you're posting, that's cringe as you're just starting out with no engagement and no following. Just start a new account and don't share it with anyone. And they may run into you via the algorithm, but they may not. And if you can't deal with it now, eventually you'll have to. But if you're just starting out, that's my advice. Create a new account. Don't share it on your private account. So this video that I posted, the advice video, went massively, massively viral overnight. And I had like 5,000 on Instagram. And at the time I had 200 followers on TikTok. And the next that night when I checked it, cause I did not expect anything to happen, I had like 10,000 followers. And then by the end of the weekend, I think I had 130,000 followers. So I realized that this was something that really helped people, which is why it did well and people really liked it. It was entertaining, it was thought provoking, it was meaty, it had substance to it. And that made me feel good. So I started to use that formula, which is once you find that thing that you also like to create about, you, do it again. So I would make these things I wish I knew videos and post them. And interestingly, fun fact, some of them were from my notes. I would take Charlie, my dog, on a walk, and just have these thoughts in my head. And then when I had a good thought, I would write it down and then that would be my script for the video. Some of them and the ones that went most viral were off the cuff, just things I thought of as I was getting ready. So that was interesting. Um, so I guess the lesson in that is don't think that you need to have a script for everything and be super structured. Sometimes the best creation comes out of spontaneity. So I did that. And then for a while I was a little nervous about posting on Instagram, like I talked about, because Everyone I knew in real life was following me there, which, praise God, I got over that when I did because, you know, with everything going on with Tick Tock. So for about a year or so I was only really posting on Tick Tock. Then I finally decided to get over it and I started posting on Instagram too. Just the same content. I don't really think you need different content between platforms. That's my personal opinion. I've been pretty successful with both because good content will resonate. So after I started getting a following, what really did it for me over on the the advice videos on Instagram performed well and gained me an audience, a substantial audience. And then I shared my dating experience and I created another formula that works which is I capture these parts of my life which are real, which is why they do well. And as I'm doing these things, I share them. And that seems simple and duh. But what I mean by that is you pick something that you aren't just going to like do once and then you never do again. So I'm dating, so I am seeking someone and that comes with a bunch of different experiences and people want to see that people are interested and invested in the concept of finding love. So things I wish I knew and before and after dates or getting ready with me. So get Ready with me was also another big one. So I have these formulas that I know will do well. And so as I identify those things that I I also liked because you have to like creating it too. I did those over and over again and it gains you an audience. And then when it comes to like the business side of social media and brand deals and all of that, I tried on my own for maybe six months or so and I was so hung up on giving a portion of what I would potentially make to a management company. But it was so silly because I made almost no money by myself. And then I signed with a management company and I was able to quit my tech sales job. So I came to this realization of I can either the standard is 20%, I can either keep 100 of what I'm making, which is almost nothing, or I can sign with a management company and give them 20% of things that I would of money that I would not even be making without them. So it was, it got to a point where it's a no brainer. What I will say is if you're starting out with content or you're still growing your following. There is a point where I think management is necessary, but I think the most important part before the management is you understanding who you are as a creator and finding your formulas. So that would be my advice. Why do you wear makeup to the gym, especially with acne prone skin? I have the same skin and my dermatologist recommends time off, especially when sweating. So this is a great question and you guys have been along for the ride with my acne journey over the last couple years. And what I will say is there was a point where my acne was absolutely out of control and I was wearing a lot of makeup. I was also using a beauty blender, which I think my. A lot of my acne problems were exasperated by my beauty blender because sponges retain bacteria. So part of it is hormonal gut related, I think. And then part of it was just feeding it with a beauty blender that I cleaned before and after. Every time I put makeup on, I want to say that, but it, it's different than brushes. So I cut that out of my routine. And how many, how long ago? Eight months or so about. It was last year. My acne was just out of control. And what I did was kind of an elimination diet with my skin. And that included very rarely wearing makeup. And what that meant was I had to go bare face to the gym, to everyday life stuff. And that was, that was a hit to my confidence. But I had to do it. And I did see a dramatic change in my skin. What I will say is my acne now is managed because I cut out the beauty blender cleaning my brushes. I did an elimination diet with products too to see like what my skin would be tolerating of and what it wouldn't. And, and then I also started using that red and blue light mask from current body. And that is miraculous. So I did all of these things and my skin became a lot more manageable. What I noticed is that my acne now, like I could tell the difference between my active acne because it was being exasperated by a beauty blender and a bunch of makeup all the time versus my skin now when I wear makeup to the gym and I can't, I don't know how to explain this, but I don't think that my acne right now is being triggered by topicals. I think I've gotten to the point where I've removed the topical irritation because most of my acne is underground gut related right now. So I shared on the last episode that I'm getting. I got a stool test and I'm testing my gut microbiome to learn more about that. But to answer Your question on why I wear makeup to the gym. I feel better when I put myself together. And I don't think it's my, my current residual acne is being triggered by makeup. That's where I stand. And before anyone comments about this or wants to try to say that they know more about my face that I live with and that is on me, let's just think about that. Okay. How do you get over limerence? That is such a good question. So if you don't know what limerence is, definitely Google it. But a short summary of it is basically getting obsessed with, I think mostly people. But people are things very quickly with little to no information, just because of mostly an anxious attachment. And it's more about what that person means about you than it is actually knowing the person. So the friend that is always obsessed with the guy after one date and is talking about how all of his qualities that she thinks she knows, but she doesn't even know this guy, that's limerence. And then it's just when you don't hear from that person, it makes it worse. And it's basically the uncertainty of the situation that fuels this fire, that you can't stop the obsession. So the question was, how do you get over that? How do you get over limerence? I don't think you get over limerence. I think you understand that you have it and you learn what to do in the situations when it flares up. So when I get excited about someone and my anxious attachment or my limerence flares up, I literally, it's the funniest thing, but I will, if I get like start to get obsessive or start to notice myself trying to bring this person up in conversation, I'll literally tell myself, no, Danielle, you don't know him. And I will just be adamant about the reality of the situation rather than what I want to believe about the situation. So it's holding yourself accountable and disciplined. If you can't do that for yourself right now, I would say with your closest friends, a good practice of the same thing would be to tell your friends, I'm struggling with this. If I start to get carried away about talking about this guy or this girl or whatever, would you please just hold me accountable and say, love you, but we don't know this person yet. So let's just, let's talk about something else because I don't want that to fill your brain with false narratives that we don't know are true. So I think it's just like a self discipline and a Accountability thing practically and physically. I think doing things that are focusing on the betterment of yourself rather than letting yourself stew in the potential of someone else is also very helpful. What that means is instead of sitting at home and thinking about, is he going to ask you out? When he's going to call you, blah, blah, blah, blah, you go to the gym, you meal prep, you watch a movie, you read a book, and you are not focusing your attention externally. So that's what I've done. And I, I have to say I have gotten really, really good about this to the point where when I used to go on dates, and this might also just be practice with dating, when I used to go on dates, I would get really excited beforehand and talk about all the qualities I thought the person had and just my mouth would be running about and it would feed my brain information that wasn't. We don't know if it's true or not. And now I got to the point where I barely give my friends information on this person because I don't know it yet. So they'll be like, how did the day go? And I'll just say, oh, it went good. And like, if it's almost like on the other end now. But I have gotten so disciplined with this that I don't allow myself to get excited and until it's an appropriate time to get excited. So anyway, okay, met a guy via friends and hit it off. He added me on Insta, then nothing. What would you do? I'm assuming you added him back like you requested him as a friend or you followed him request as a friend, you followed him back. I might engage with him in like story replies. So if he posts a story, I might send a message in response to that and see what his feedback is. If he doesn't post stories, because a lot of men don't really post stories like that. I might send him a message that says, like, I. Okay, one of two options. This is what I would really do. I would message him saying it was really great to meet you the other day at pickleball or wherever you met him with like a smiley face because that's dropping the handkerchief. And he, if he's interested, he can. Then that's very clearly saying, like, it was nice to meet you and like giving energy forward. Like, I would like to continue this connection. In which case he might pick it up and it's not you being masculine and asking him out, but it is opening the floor for conversation number two is if there's. You said you met via friends and hit it off. If there's another event that your friends are going to, let's say you're all going to get drinks or you're going to dinner or you're going to a movie or whatever it is, I would invite him. And that's not asking him out. That's just saying, hey, the five of us are going to. I don't know why Chili's popped in my mind. The five of us are going to this restaurant. Do you want to come? Or if you have mutual friends, maybe it's are you going to be at this thing just like some way to open the conversation and let him pick it up. Now if you do one of those things and he doesn't act on it, that's not really your problem or your responsibility. And I would probably move on because you're I. What I believe is as the woman, it's just our responsibility to acknowledge that there's interest and then let the, the man drive. That's my personal belief in terms of like what I like. So that's my advice. There methods for filtering out weirdos on dating apps. So many. Yeah. But it also comes down to self discipline. So I have this screening that happens automatically based on my filters and also based on self discipline in what I'm seeing on profiles. So what I have altered about who I interact with on dating apps, which I think has led me to pretty much only have great dates with good people, is I have filtered by what my non negotiable is, which is I need to be someone with someone who's also Christian. I do have a height requirement because I'm taller and I tried, I have tried dating someone who's shorter than me and it just did not work out. Actually I did that multiple times. And then I think I have a geographic filter. So if they get past that point, and I will say that you have to be careful with that because what I notice is if they don't mark religion as one of their things that they want to fill out, they can bypass filters. So just be adamant about that, that even if you filter for Christian or whatever your religious belief is, if they don't mark, if they don't fill out that box, sometimes they can get through. So I have that which already in terms of what I'm looking for filters there. The second thing that I look at on profiles are the pictures, obviously. And not in the superficial way I'm talking about what the pictures tell me about them as people. And so I'll just tell you the things that like, if I see, I'm like, no, I can't. If they have a Snapchat filter or a filter of any kind on their photo, I pass. Because what that tells me, and an interesting thing because I believe it in reverse, and you guys know that I don't ever filter anything that I am posting is that if you need to use a filter, there's confidence issues there. And that's, that's rough and that's a tough thing to say. But I don't want to deal with confidence issues. And usually the people who, like, especially men who use filters on their photos are also making like, a face. So it just makes me feel like they're trying to compensate for a lack of confidence. So it's not really that I don't like your pictures. It's that what those pictures tell me. Second one is if they have a shirtless picture, out of context, I'm talking, homeboy walked to his mirror in the bathroom, took off a shirt and did a selfie. That also tells me confidence issues. I know part of dating app etiquette is to give a realistic view of what you physically look like, but that's taking it a little bit aggressively. And it's not, again, it's not about the fact that I am seeing you shirtless, because if you're at the beach and you're shirtless, I think that photos in context, it's not you trying to compensate or whatever. So that one, there is also something I look out for, which is if they mark themselves for some reason. This is the strangest thing. For some reason, I am seeing men marking themselves as Christian. Great. And then they always, they always choose the typical Sunday prompt. And nowhere in it does it say they go to church. And I'm like, so I look out for that. And I'm not immediately. I wouldn't like, decline someone for not mentioning church in a Sunday prompt if they mark themselves as Christian. But I would need more information on that because my life, I go to church every Sunday. It's very important to me. And faith is interwoven into my everyday life. Prayer is interwoven into my everyday life. And so practically compatibility wise, if someone doesn't match me in that, or ideally as a man, exceed me in that and be able to lead me, it's not going to work. And then the last one is if they say things that are just not, if they sound like a jerk. Like, a lot of times I feel like women will swipe on men because they think they're really, really attractive. But they'll say things like, if you're not reading three books in a month, we're not on the same page. Like, super judgmental, super competitive. I don't want to compete with my man. The other one that I see a lot is like, let's see if you can keep up with me. I don't want to keep up with you. That's for you to do. And if a man wants to compete with his woman, that is a red flag. I saw a podcast clip the other day that was like something about alpha men versus really like standing in true masculinity. And I think this was another segment from Anwar White. So I've quoted him twice on the podcast and I think he was referencing another clip that he saw. But anyway, the. The idea behind it is that we've over popularized alpha male behavior as attractive, when really alpha male behavior is something that actually really lacks confidence because it's a very competitive nature. And it almost starts to having that competition that I just referenced between you and your partner who is a woman. Whereas really being in the masculine in my belief is that we're not competing, we are compatible, and we are providing things that the other one can't do. So for me, what I want my man to do is lead me and protect me, not just physically, but just like emotionally, providing a space for that. And as a woman, I want to be that softer side, that nurturing side, the thing that he can't do himself. So it's a compatible thing rather than a competitive thing. So all that to say, those are the things that I look out for and if they don't align, then I won't. Even if they're really, really cute, I won't accept. So for you, I would encourage you to think about what matters to you and make your own list of filters and refinements of what you're looking for that goes past just the superficial. Yeah. How to deal with an avoidant man. Gosh, that's a million dollar question. Immediately in my head I'm like, don't. But I think part of that is the real honest answer. If you have a choice in the matter, and depending on where you are, this sounds like maybe you might already be in a relationship with this person. You don't fix an avoidant man. The only thing that you can control is what you do in this situation. So I think that's the first step is knowing that you cannot change him. He needs to want to change for himself. And a lot of times, from my experience, because as a recovering Anxious attachment. I always, every man I've ever been, well, that's not true for the most part have been with avoidant men. So I had to learn a lot about myself in order to understand why I'm attracting those type of men. And then, unfortunately for me, those situations with those avoidant men had to end because they didn't want to change. And it sent me more into my anxious, so it just wouldn't work. There are situations because everyone falls into some sort of category or blend of categories between anxious, avoidant, secure, somewhere in the middle. And there are situations where both people understand their attachment style and want to work forward to a better situation and bettering themselves. In that instance, I would say that therapy obviously is a great option, both personal, like single therapy and couples therapy. So it depends on where you are in this relationship or partnership. For example, if you're married, that means something very different than you potentially agreeing to go out. Or let's say, let's say you just started seeing someone who's avoidant. That's a different situation than if you're already married. But that's my best advice in terms of avoidant men or avoidant people is like, you need to recognize that you can't change that. So the better use of your time and your energy and your emotions is understanding the role that you actually play in it, which is very little. It's understanding why you attract that person if you want to continue down the path of where this looks like it's going because you can't change them. And if they don't see that that's a problem, there's nothing you can do. And I think a really powerful one is if you think that they are still attractive with the way that they treat you. Because that was a really hard one for me to grasp onto in my last relationship, which was I have always separated people and who I think they are versus what they're, how they treat me and what their behavior says about them. And so something very empowering for me was being able to put those two things together as the sum of all parts and then consider them for the reality of who they are right now versus who I want them to be. And I think once you do those things, those are very broad recommendations, but I do believe that once you do those things, what specific steps you need to take in your specific situation becomes very clear.