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Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee full terms@mintmobile.com have I got News for Back for another season, Roy Wood Jr. Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black are finding the funny in the week's biggest stories. Have I Got News for you? Return Saturday at 9 on CNN and stream next day on Max. Hello and welcome to who Is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host Danielle and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Major crush on the wrong type of guy just because he's the only one around. Help. I don't know what this means. Maybe you're in a small town. I don't know. You need to focus on something else. Because like I mentioned earlier, the thing that I wish that I did differently in my 20s is listening to my gut feeling when I knew something wasn't right. If you know this person is not right for you, there is no point in spending time or energy or emotions on them. So figure out what you need to do. Whether that means getting in another physical space or getting new hobbies or finding some way to divert your attention. Because what you what you feed mentally will grow in your mind. So if you can't have enough discipline to stop thinking about or stop investing time on a person, know isn't right that that is going to fester and grow. So starve it and focus elsewhere. How do you make female friends as an adult? I have an entire episode on this, so scroll back and it's called, I believe it's called how to Make Friends as an Adult. Opinion on what point you need to feel attraction to him? I would say within the first couple of dates you need to not be repelled from him. And this that's an aggressive take. But like I think attraction can Grow. And as long as you're like, I don't feel attracted to him at all, like, if there's something little there, that's all it takes. I don't think that you need to want to get down to business on first meeting. I don't think that level of attraction is needed. And I do think that certain behaviors and actions and who the person is can make them significantly more attractive than just at first glance. So I would say when you look at them on the first few dates and you think that they are in some way an attractive person, they don't have to be a. The hottest guy you've ever seen, but there's just a little something there and you think that they're cute. That's great. Opinion on if a man takes a few messages to ask you out or if he does under three to five messages. I used to be of the opinion that, like, if you don't ask me out immediately, I'm tired of wasting my time. And then I realized that that wasn't really fair because in the same way that, or even more so, that you are trying to find a compatible person and me being a woman and them being a man, they are trying to understand if they're interested in going out with you. And sometimes, depending on the person, that takes a couple of messages back and forth. Now, I don't think that you should be pen pals on a dating app for two to three weeks. I think within a couple days of sporadic messaging. Now, you don't have to be glued to your phone within a couple of days, which usually happens for me, they'll bring up, like, asking me out. So that's. That's kind of how I think about it. And I can kind of. You can tell if a person is just sort of giving you responses, but, like, it's not really leading anywhere. That person's probably not invested. I've also found that, like, if a guy is giving me a signal of, like, just sort of a dry response, I'll. I just won't reply. And then if they're interested, they'll. They'll message me again. So that's typically how I think about that. Opinions on if he doesn't have dating goals, wanting children filled out on dating apps. I think that that is a dichotomy, meaning two completely different things. It's sort of like what I referenced last episode, where men are marking themselves as Christian and then not mentioning anything on the prompt they always choose, which is typical. Sunday about going to church. How are you expecting to have children if you have no idea what your dating goals are. Um, I mentioned this in the last episode about like how I go about who I match with on dating apps. And there's like a filtering process me mentally that I do along with like my regular filters. And if a guy says figuring out my dating goals, it's an automatic decline because if he's not confident enough to say I'm looking for a long term relationship or marriage or whatever, then I'm not going to waste my time. To me, what that really means, I'm just going to say it is I want to mess around, I want to have fun and not really be accountable or have a relationship. So figuring out my dating goals, if you are looking for a relationship, is not where you want to invest time or energy. Can you give me some advice on how to be honest like you about posting vulnerable things? What I would say is you need to be so rooted in who you are that the opinions of other people can't overwhelm you. Because I'm not gonna lie and say that things don't hurt when people talk about me online, because they do. And I've had to form my own boundaries around what I look at. Literally like what I feed my eyeballs, because I can't, I can't be in my comments because people are cruel. That's just the reality of it. So knowing that I know who I am, I know who God created me to be, I know what he says about me, I know how special I am. And these are things that I not only know, but I meditate on meaning. That's part of my prayer. I also know who I am as a person when it comes to interacting with people in my real life. I know I'm a good friend. I know I'm a good daughter. I know that I care for people. I know that I provide an environment for people to come together. I know that I'm funny. And so regardless of what people say about me online, it allows me the confidence in myself to be vulnerable. So if I share and there's a vulnerability in the topics of what you share, but there's also vulnerability in. This is going to sound silly, but in the lack of filters and the video quality that I do. So unless I'm impeded based on like certain tripod setup, I always try to film with back camera in 3 or 4K, meaning you are getting even a higher definition than what I look like in person. Now, this video might be different because we're still figuring out podcast video, but like on all of my social media stuff, you are getting the up close and personal, which is not necessarily the view you would even get of me in real life. And the reason I call this out is because I think this is specifically so important when trying to connect with a female audience is that we can't let go of our, of our ego enough to stop posing as things that we don't actually look like. So I'll show you my entire face and what I actually look like. And you can see the bags under my eyes, you can see my pores. Um, you can see any imperfections that I might have. And that builds trust with your audience because I'm not trying to pose and be something that I'm not. And so because of that added element, when I speak about purpose and life and prayer and dating and interacting with people, it's me coming to you as a human, exactly as myself. So being confident enough to do that. What is your favorite characteristic of God? That is such a big question. I can't pick one. But what I would say is that he's always there. And that is unbelievable to me. I can't even grasp that the fact that I can pray at any moment and that God will always be there. And I also love the fact that God is good. And depending on what your belief is, that might be really hard to take grasp of. But the separation that all good things come from God and if it's not a good thing, it didn't come from God. So natural disaster and death and hardship and all of that, knowing that that didn't come from God and that God is good is such a refreshing reviving, knowing and experience. And also an extension on that is because I know those two things. Taking responsibility for things that are negative in my life as my own self destruction and then being able to turn to him because he's always there and because he's good to get me back on track is such a cool. It's a cool system. It's obviously he's God, so he did it perfect. But like I, that's, I think, my favorite. The two favorite things. Have you dated any guys who say they're emotionally unavailable? How to move on? So my relationship in that started around late 2018, that went until January 1, 2021 told me early on in one way or another that he very clearly that he was not prepared or ready or wanting to provide an actual relationship. And at the time I believed differently in terms of like how I live my life. And so quite honestly, it was like a physical thing. And I believed that because I am so confident in myself. I'm like, oh, well, he's saying that now because he doesn't know know me yet and how good I can be to him. And so he's gonna think that. He's gonna think that he just wants a physical with me, but he's gonna, like, slowly learn that he wants to marry me. Spoiler alert. That didn't happen. So with all things said and done, he was a great person and for the most part, we had a great relationship, in my opinion. But the things that he was so honest with me in the beginning about were true. Ended up being our biggest problem and ultimately why we broke up. So, yes, and 0 out of 10, do not recommend. If a man tells you he is not emotionally available in one way or another or shows you he's not emotionally available, do not invest time or energy and do not think you can change him. How do you feel about Botox, lip filler, etc? Just interested in your thoughts. I think if you want to do it, go for it. I've had Botox in my frown lines, which I need to again because they're completely back. And then I have an overactive left eyebrow that literally goes like this all the time. So you could probably see in my videos. So there. I've gotten a lip flip with Botox, meaning it relaxes this and flips. Open your lip a little bit more. And then I've gotten filler in my lips. So whatever. If you want to do it, do it. I don't really care. I think there's a point when it becomes unhealthy, when you can't stop obsessing about what your face looks like. And if that's the most important thing to you is what your face looks like versus who you are as a person, how you interact with the world, what you like to do, what your purpose is. There's a problem, but I have nothing against all that. Do you find some Christian men lack spiritual, emotional boundaries or just coincidence? I think that there are some really awesome people with boundaries and awareness who are not Christian. And I think there's some really great people who are Christian who have spiritual emotional boundaries. I guess what I'm trying to say is just because someone is Christian doesn't mean that they have the boundaries that you that align with you. And it doesn't mean that they're a perfect person. In fact, being a Christian at its root recognizes that we will never be perfect and that we need Jesus. But the type of Christian that I am looking for, knows that fully and is committed to the effort of trying to be better. So if they don't have that commitment, then it doesn't really matter if they're Christian. They're still not compatible with you, if that makes sense. Okay, a couple more. How to come to terms that a relationship isn't worth continuing anymore and you should end it. I mean, there's so many different layers to unpack here. You could consider 10 years from now, do you want to be with this person or do you see that as a healthy thing? It sounds like you already know that this is not a thing that should continue. And a lot of people will say, if it doesn't serve you anymore, let it go. But I would say relationships aren't there to serve you only. They're there to be, like, mutually beneficial. So I would ask if it's serving that other person, which it sounds like it's not. The question is how to come to terms with that in the way that you ask the question. I think you already have. It's just that you're scared to do something about it, so you know your situation the best. I would say an honest conversation is probably due and warranted and just try to come at it from a place of love and understanding versus, like, a report card and all the reasons why. How to move on from a relationship that you truly believe was ordained by God. Okay, if it's ending, God doesn't want it to be. It's. It is that simple. If God really wanted you to be with this person, it wouldn't be ending. And it really, really, really can just be that simple. God is all powerful. God and the trust in your faith. So I had an example about this, about, like, praying over the apartment that I was applying for, which, as you guys know, I had a couple of roadblocks. But, like, every single one of them was cleared. I got the lease and I got the apartment, but I had that moment where I was worried about, like, what if I don't? And stressing over it and whatever, and you have a choice to worry or pray. And if you. What it. What it says in our Bible is that you can literally worry about nothing and pray about everything, give it to God, and God will handle it. And what it sounds like, even though you don't want to get on this page, is that God is handling it, meaning it's over. So it's just the logic of if God wanted it that way, it wouldn't be ending. And I know that's hard to hear. And I'm sending you love. But that's just the brutal, honest truth of my opinion. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for Career Day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn the place to be to be Build a routine with Ollie that supports your wellness needs, like getting your daily vitamins and minerals with Ollie's multigummies or keeping your mood upbeat with all the vitamin D and hello happy. Give your gut health some support with probiotics and wake up feeling refreshed after taking Ollie sleep. Do wellness on your terms. Find Ollie at a Walmart or Target near you or@olli.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease why do men want to be chased? I would say that some men want to be chased because they're very wounded and they don't feel good enough. And so it's not really about having a meaningful relationship. It's about what women chasing them makes them feel like. I think we also know that we don't chase men. And I think what I'm guessing is that there's someone in your life that you feel like you're always chasing and isn't really like reciprocating because and I know some people don't like the masculine feminine talk, but I believe in it. And I think that's the way we were created. So I'm gonna talk like that. A man who's in his true masculine will actually be repelled if you chase him. So what that tells us is that if a man likes to be chased, he's actually not in his masculine. It also tells us that it's probably not going to change unless he wants to change, which requires work on his part. There's nothing you can't chase him into chasing you. He's just gonna keep running away from you. So get out of that situation. Okay, man of your dreams is asking you to give up micro vlogging for New Path. What do you do? At first I read this and I thought this was directed at me, but I think it's just A question about this person who's asking. And I actually have been in this situation before where the relationship that I talked about where I was with this person for six months, I should have ended after, like, three weeks. We got into a huge fight, and it was because he gave me the answer that the social media thing that I do was okay, because he. He liked that I liked it. That was the answer. And then it ended up not being okay. We had a huge fight, and part of it was because I was learning boundaries when it comes to, for example, if you're my boyfriend, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be in all my content, but I was, you know, navigating that, and I thought he was okay with it. And we kind of came out with rules and stuff, and then those rules ended up not being okay. Anyway, we got in this huge fight, and he was like, well, if I asked you to give it up, would you? And I. I was so boiling mad, and I just took a big breath and I was like, no, are you kidding? And in my opinion, a person that asks you to give up what you're passionate about is not your dream man. Let me say it again. A person who asks you to give up what you're passionate about is not your dream man simply by the fact that he wants to take something out of your life that is a benefit and a joy and a passion to you. To me, that's very selfish. Think about that in reverse of a. A woman asking a man to give up something that they're passionate about. Let's say in reverse. A man is. Has a normal life, whatever, does a normal day job, but loves to. He's in a band on the weekends, okay? And maybe the band's not very good, and maybe it's a little bit cringy and embarrassing for you, but. Or maybe he's an artist and you don't really understand his art, his physical art, but he loves it and he posts about it online, whatever it is. Imagine asking that man to give that thing up for you. Like what? So, no, I don't think that that's okay. And I don't think that that person is your dream person. I think that they might have some of. A lot of the qualities of a dream person, but that in itself, self makes the rest irrelevant. A person who's really your dream person would only want to build you up and help you feel more of the joy from your passions rather than taking something out of your life because they might not understand it or they think it's Cringy. Do you have a guide for how to set up your dating profiles to a newbie? I don't think I have. I did a video on this when I collaborated with Elf and Tinder back in September of last year for when I was in New York for Fashion Week. But I don't have like a specific guide. That would be an excellent episode though. Some quick tips off the cuff is that your first picture should be smiling with teeth and a three quarter photo because a three quarter photo will be enough to show perspectively what your body looks like and, and also show personality and what your smile looks like. Um, and I don't remember the study, but I was listening to some podcast somewhere and I think it was with the Logan. The girl, the woman Logan, who is. Is Hinges. Chief, I think relationship officer. I can't remember. Or chief creative officer or something. Anyway, there's a statistic that talks about the. The likelihood of matching on a dating app dramatically increases when you show your teeth. And I think it's just a biological thing. So I would say showing your teeth in absolute. Absolutely your first picture. But try to have a picture smiling with teeth as all of your pictures. That's one. I would say one, one, maybe two. But one picture with friends or none. I would try to do one or two pictures doing an activity to show like, you know, your personality. And I would be really specific on like answering prompts. So instead of just saying typical Sunday, I watch TV and eat. I mean, obviously I would say I watch rom coms and order Chinese takeout. Like just be, be exactly who you are and don't shy away from specifics of your life. So those are my quick tips. Will you share your testimony? I have an episode, I have two episodes on this. I have my life story on episode one and then I have my testimony on. I think it's episode 12, but I can't remember. Let's see. How do we make it stop hurting when seeing the person you loved with another girl? I have the unique experience of experiences experiencing this before and after the same relationship. So. And I think I'm going to end on this because we're getting close to time. My most cherished relationship that I had, 2018 to beginning of 2021. I had been in love with him for years before getting together with him and we worked together and friends, whatever, co workers, never got together outside of work or anything. But I was with him all day, every day. And I had these intense feelings and nowhere to put them. And it got to the point where Like, I would dream about him and I would go to work and spend all day with him, and then I go home and dream about him again. It was like, it was bad. And I remember being at. It was like a wedding. And obviously I never acted on anything, but I was just like, oh, my gosh, this guy is just amazing. And he was with his date at the wedding and them having just the greatest time. And it's just the epitome of like, what's the movie? I'm blanking on the movie. But anyway, just sitting there single, alone at this table and watching this guy that I have just this. This huge crush that I can't control on, that I've never acted on with someone else. And I'm like, oh, man. Like, it just, like deep in my chest. Anyway, time passes and it, you know, I date someone else and whatever, and it comes to the point where we're both single and it finally happens. And I never in my wildest dreams because at that time my confidence was pretty low and the thought in my head was like, I would never imagine that he would go out with me. Like, how self deprecating is that? And now I don't think that way. But, you know, young Danielle did. So when he went for me, proverbial, proverbially, it was like fireworks and like, I can't believe this is happening. And like, I. Oh, my gosh. And we went on to date for, you know, gosh, I mean, we spent the pandemic together. So 2018 to beginning of 2021. And then it ended then. And I was completely devastated because I. I literally told him, you tell me to move, I will move. I will move across the country. You ask me to marry you tomorrow, I will say yes. Like, I was so all in. I was so ready and I was so sure that he was the one. And he wasn't sure. And his undecidedness or his. The fact that he wasn't sure was the answer. And we broke up and both tried to move on, and I took a lot longer to move on. And part of that was, you know, you obviously get the dreaded Instagram post of the person who they're with now. And. And all I can say about that, all that to say is that sometimes it just takes time to get to the point where you look back at that chapter of your life with a fondness that it was beautiful in the moment when it was happening, but that it wasn't forever and that it ended exactly when it needed to end. And you get to A point where time has done its thing enough where you are happy that they seem to have found someone that makes them happy. And so if I had to say anything about that, about seeing someone that you loved with someone else, just give it a little bit more time, and time will help a lot, a lot more than anything that you could do to try to process this faster or get through the emotions faster. It's just time. It makes that like. It's just like a. Just like a scab. Like, let's say you accidentally got a cut on your hand, right? And you're bleeding, and every time you pick at that scab, it's going to start bleeding again. So don't. Don't do things that are picking at the scab, meaning don't stalk them on Instagram, don't do what you need to do to separate from that. And over time, that scab is gonna form, you know, the stuff on top, and then it's gonna just slowly fade away and you might be left with a scar. This is getting very metaphorical. You might be left with a scar and it might be there forever, but it's not bleeding anymore, and there's no risk of it bleeding anymore, meaning it just won't feel the same way anymore. All right, I'm gonna wrap it up here. These are really great questions. And we have again, I haven't even made a dent in the list, so I might do another episode. But thank you for joining me and I'll see you in the next one. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to follow and leave a five star review. It really helps me out and it'll also notify you when I have a new episode dropping. Share this with your friends that you think it might touch. Even if you want to screenshot this and tag me on Instagram so then I can repost you, I'd really, really appreciate it. I love you. Bye.