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Danielle (1:00)

Hello and welcome to who is She? A podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in between moments, consider different perspectives, and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hello. Hello. Welcome back. You may have just watched the updates video and here I am in the same spot and I just put a sweatshirt over to make it look different. Anyway, I'm gonna get straight into. Actually, that's a lie. The updates video was missing one thing, which was the update on my skin. I'm going to like lean over and show you. If you're not watching on YouTube, go to YouTube so you can see this. My skin. Oh, I'm a little washed out. Has never been better. I don't know if you can see. I literally, I look a little washed out, but my skin has never been better. I've been drinking warm salted Celtic sea salt, lemon Celtic sea salt, Celtic salt and lemon water. In the morning, like maybe this much. I'll do this much hot water and like half, half cold water and it's nasty, but I do that and then I make sure I eat something and then I can have coffee and I swear to you, it is life changing. So if you've been struggling with your skin and number one, coffee is the first thing that touches your skin, touching your stomach in the morning, I'm just saying, for someone who just went through this, just give it a try for two weeks and I am telling you, it's wild. Anyway, so I'm thoroughly, thoroughly enjoying clear skin for the first time in a very, very long time. And I will say the like, no makeup, makeup. You can't do it when you have acne. I'm sorry, like, as someone who just went through that, I am now getting so angry because you just can't when you have like purple marks on your cuz mine would turn like red purple and it's, it's just terrible. Like you either to show your acne or you don't like with you put, you cover it up like with makeup. But there's no like no makeup makeup. Like the sheer coverage, like that doesn't work anyway. So I'm enjoying it and I'm like, I don't know if this is going to last, so I'm going to take full advantage of it. So that's the only other update I didn't share in the last episode. This episode is going to be things I wish I knew in my late 20s. So let me go ahead and pull up my questions here. Basically, I asked Chat GPT to give me a list of questions that women specifically would want to know in this age range. And then I am going to give you my actual response. So we're just using ChatGPT to like, figure out what people want to know. And then I'm going to tell you what I know from experience. And it's not going to be all right. It's going to be just from my brain and my experience. Okay? All right. And I haven't read these questions, so I'm literally just going to scroll through in real time and then answer on the spot. And I'm gonna answer these questions thinking like, thinking like I'm in my late 20s, knowing what I know now. Okay, why does your late 20s feel like an identity crisis and is that normal? So in the last couple episodes, I explain how right after college and throughout your entire 20s, you're gonna shed many, many skins. And sometimes it does feel like an identity crisis because it is turning away from things that used to be something you like or something that served you or something you align with and it doesn't anymore. But a big example of this that I hear so often is I Just don't want to go out anymore. I don't want to go the bars, I don't want to go to the clubs, but my friends do. And I'm worried I'll get left behind socially. I. But I just, it's not for me anymore. And that, that I feel like is the most common one and that is so, so normal. And in my opinion, it's a good sign because it means you're growing up. I'm not hating on people that still go out. I'm just saying that it's not for everyone. And you feeling that way is identifying that you are growing because you're growing out of something. And what I have to say about that as a 32 year old is it's okay that you feel kind of like you're having an identity crisis, but I want you to know that this is also an opportunity because you are now going to. You're not just losing something, you're going to replace that. So, so instead of going out at night, I want you to. Maybe going out at night is just not your thing at all. But an example of this would be to go to bed early or like do a night in order, takeout, whatever, and then plan to do something really fun the next morning. So like assuming this is like a Thursday or a Friday night, depending on what your schedule is, some people go out on Thursdays. Am I recording? Yes. Thank God. So an example would be like, instead of going to the club on Friday night, I am going to watch a movie and have takeout and get to bed by like 9 or 10. And then I'm going to wake up super early so I can go to the farmer's market Saturday morning. And then when you go to the farmer's market, I want you to talk to people and you don't have to make best friends, but you would be so surprised. And you're going to start doing that with the things that you feel like you're growing out of and replacing them and being social. Because you would be surprised at how you can build a brand new community, community around you with people who do the things that align with you now. Okay, that was a good one. All right. How do you let go of who you thought you'd be by 30? Okay, this is gonna start negative or seemingly negative, but I promise it's positive. So sometimes it takes not getting what you thought you wanted to realize that there's something way, way, way better. For example, I thought I would have met the person that I wanted to marry at 24. We get married at 26. We'd have our first kid at 28 and then second kid at 30. So technically, I should have two kids by now and be married. That obviously didn't happen, okay? And I'm so glad it didn't, because I didn't start this until 2021. 2022. Ish. And really 2022, which was three years ago, so I was 29. So if you think about it, if I had what I thought I wanted, I would have been married with one kid. Actually, I wouldn't even have done any of this because I wouldn't have focused on it. What I'm saying is that there's opportunity in the places that you thought that you. That currently look like you're not getting what you want. So I had to go through the thing of, like, okay, I look up and nothing is what I thought it was going to be at this age. Huh? What do I want to do with that? And letting go of that version is a lot easier when you're doing things and shaping your life the way that you think it's supposed to be. So I think taking an active role in your life is part of how you let that go. Because since you're going to be changing so much throughout your 20s, you get to try on new things, you get to try putting yourself out there, you get to try new activities, you get to try going to new places. And you would just be so surprised about who you actually are versus who you thought you would be. And who you actually are is way better than who you thought you would be. Take it from experience, okay? How do you handle watching friends live? Totally different timelines. So this is so relevant to me because almost all my friends are in serious relationships or married. So my really good friend is married. My other really good friend just got married, and my best friend is in a really great serious relationship. And then I have another friend who's also married. So, like, everyone's, like, coupled up. Okay. My neighbors just got home, and I'm like, do they know what I do? Do they, like, hear me giving advice alone in my house? Anyway, I have all these really great examples of really great relationships all around me. And it would be very easy for me to fall into, like, the comparison trap. But I just see it as, like, first of all, I like being around their partners. They're. They're with very great men, and it's cool to get together. We all hang out and have a good time. And it's not like, you know, when you have Like a friend who has a boyfriend. Unfortunately, I've been this girl who. The guy is just, like, lame. And, like, it's. People put up with him, but he's just not. He's not it. I feel like none of my friends, partners or husbands or whatever are like that. They're all really cool. And it just gives me, like, a. First of all, a parameter and something to look forward to because I'm like, this is the level. Like, anything below this, I know that. That this is possible, so I'm not gonna accept anything else. Um, and then it also just gives, like, more great people to be around. So even though, you know, they have something that I want eventually in my future, obviously a serious relationship and a partner and marriage, I just don't really. I don't feel envious or jealous. I will say that there is an awareness, like, very specific example, my best friend who is with just the most awesome guy. He's. That's my dude, and I'm so happy for them. And anyway, we all went to Disneyland together, and he is such a great partner, and he, like, takes care of her. And I see that. So I'll see. And I'll see that not just with them, but, like, my other friends, too. And there's an awareness that, like, I don't have that yet. And me and my best friend also joke. Like, I do everything myself. Like, moving. I moved this kitchen table in here by myself because there's no one else here. Like, there's awareness of that. But it doesn't get to the point where I'm, like, envious or jealous. There's just like. It's almost just like, it will be really nice once I have someone is basically what it is. So I guess that's kind of like what I think about that. How do you handle career doubts in your late 20s? So this is interesting because this is. This isn't probably your first job out of college. It might be, but it probably isn't. It's probably you've put some years in at this job or maybe a couple of jobs. And I don't have specific advice on this, but what I will say is, if you absolutely hate your job, you should not stay there. And it doesn't just mean, like, the company. If you hate what you're doing and you're only staying because you went to school for it. Just. My very simple answer for this is, think about the amount of time that you spend at work or working. So we're not always in the office anymore. I recognize that. But like, let's say you are in the office. That's where you're spending your time. That's the people that you're around most often. And it's. Life is too short to, like, just be stuck doing something just because it pays bills. So I would say if you hate it, two specific things. Figure out what your options are. Some, like, maybe it's just the company that you work for, but you like your actual job. Like, if you went to somewhere else, you would be a lot happier, potentially in that scenario. Absolutely. I would, as your big sister, tell you you should be applying everywhere if you love what you do. If you don't like what you do, I would say understand what your options are. And that doesn't mean, like, quit your job and, like, go rogue and do crazy things. But what it might mean is, like, you're doing something creative on the side for a while for free to see if you like it. So, like, maybe it's something creative versus something really administrative. And you try that and. And sort of feel what that feels like and then understand if you could make a slow transition or any kind of transition into doing something else. But, like, do not waste your time doing a job that you don't like. Absolutely not. How do you ask for what you're worth and actually get it? So I had a couple of negotiations in my time in corporate. I would say some of them would were. I would say they were all successful, but I didn't get what I wanted because what I wanted was way more than what I was worth. But it landed me at the highest. Okay, this is how I would negotiate. Okay, so let's say a tech sales rep is making. I don't know. That's hard because, like, there's commissions and, like, plans for that. But let's just, like, ballpark numbers. Okay, So I would. Oh, God, I don't even remember what I asked for. This was years ago. But let's say tech sales job, you get anywhere from like 65 to 90,000 a year salary. And then you also get commission, which could be equal to or exceedingly your salary. So you're like, you know, 160,000, whatever. Taking the commissions aside, which is what they always like to tell you, like, oh, you're gonna make commission. I would look on Glassdoor and I would say, I am worth more than the top. Than the top rep in this bracket. So if the top rep was getting 90,000, I would say, I want 115. And then guess where we landed. We would land on the top end. Of that range. So ask for more. Go into it just, like, delusional, okay? Because it's not real. None of this is real, okay? You can ask for whatever you want. They're not gonna. Not if they like you and you're talking salary already. They're not gonna not give you the job because you asked for too much. So just ask for way more. And then they're gonna say no. And this is just literal, like, negotiation 101. And then you're going to land somewhere in the middle, which, if you have gone higher, is going to be higher than if you start at the top part of that bracket, if that makes sense. What's the smartest way to build financial freedom in your late 20s? Okay, I think this is a loaded question because I. Maybe it's possible if you have some sort of capital investment, but like, if you are starting from scratch, I don't think financial freedom is realistic in your late 20s in this economy unless you find something that you're really good at and you can charge whatever you want for it or. Okay, let me break this down. Wealth. This is something I've just learned in the last few years. Wealth is not built by going to your job year after year after year and taking your little bit of savings and just saving that. Wealth is made by investing. And in order for that to happen, you need, like, an asset and to invest. So you're taking whatever you can in investing that. But you're not going to become wealthy and have financial freedom by just saving your money. That's just not possible. A lot of people do this through real estate, but I don't think a lot of people, including myself, have the determination or discipline in order to learn everything you need to learn to do that or. And I honestly don't think that even getting that first property is realistic for a lot of people who are starting from scratch. So the whole financial freedom thing, I don't. In your late 20s, I'm not sure if that's super realistic. What I would say advice for building wealth would be investing, obviously. And there are very. I'm not going to give you investing advice because I'm not an investing guru, but like, literally just search on TikTok or YouTube, like investing, investing for beginners. And there are index funds, which are really just like a collection of stocks that make it a lot more. Here I go giving you advice. This is just information a lot safer to invest in because you're not investing all your eggs in one basket. And there's some that have historically Performed. So it's like a way that you can do that. The other piece of advice I would give you is multiple income streams. So for example, with myself, I have. It's not very much, but I have ad revenue from people watching this. I have brand deals, I have Instagram, TikTok shop my like to know it. So that's six, six income streams. So do figure out different income streams for yourself and that again, you can like Google YouTube, tick tock, insert search like side hustles and things like that. And then for the extras that you do make, that shouldn't just be sat upon, that needs to be invested. So that would be my advice. From what I have learned in the last couple years, how do you balance ambition with contentment? I have noticed that this is. So to rephrase the question, how do you balance ambition with being like satisfied with where you are or in other words, enjoying what you have right now? And this is actually something that I was thinking about today because I was walking Charlie and we were walking back to the apartment and I turned the corner to our street and I was like in a rush because I was like, I have to go film this podcast. Podcast episode. I'm a little bit like, nervous. Not nervous in like, my stomach, but like, I don't, I don't know, like uncomfortable. And then I was like, wait a minute, I am turning the block onto the San Francisco apartment that I rented that I'm customizing so that I can record a podcast. Like, it all hit me at once. So, like, the example that I'm giving is I'm right in the middle of like, making this feel more comfortable and getting better at it. But at the same time, I'm literally living a dream. So it just, I think the contentment is really important in like, in the middle of your ambition. Think about the things that you wish you had that you have now. So, like, that could even just be with a job. Like, let's say you graduated college and you had to start at the bottom of food chain at this job and you've worked your way up to AE or account manager or whatever it is, product manager, whatever. Think about, you know, that role that you had before and think about how much you wanted this now. And obviously you're not going to want to stop, but, like, know that you had the thing that you wanted before and like, sit in that for a second. Like, literally in your mind, just be like, I did it. That's what I do. Okay. How do you trust love again after heartbreak in your late 20s. This is hard because I feel like I went from being very overly trusting to like probably a reasonable level of trusting. So I'll just, I'll try. From my frame of reference, I think that it's just funny. I'm thinking about, like, how trusting I was. I always come back to how I thought right after college when I got dumped from my college boyfriend. And I just thought, I'll never love again, I'll never love again. And then I did. And then same thing happened with the relationship I had after college. Actually. There was one guy that I dated very briefly that I was really stuck on for no reason. I actually think it was a love bombing reason. And just my. I was not equipped mentally to handle that. Like, no therapy, nothing. And I got stuck on him for like a whole year. And that played out in my mind. I'll never love again. I'll never love again. And then I met my ex, who I was with for quite a while and really, really loved and I loved again. And then, and then that didn't work out and, and luckily, well, I guess for a while it was like, nothing will ever be like this again. And I just think from experience, like, you will love again. It just takes time. It takes laughing with your friends, it takes not thinking about dating, it takes hosting dinners, it takes putting yourself out there, it takes trying new hobbies, it growth within yourself and your life in order for you to like, move forward. I think that's what they miss about, like, time. It's not so much about, like, yeah, there's time in between the last time that you were with someone and were in a relationship. And time heals everything. But it's really about what happens inside all of that time that gets you to the place where you're over it or you can love again. So just live, just live and let time pass. And I promise, as someone who said I'll never love again, like four times I have loved again. I probably, I hopefully won't get my heart broken again. Hopefully. But maybe I might. That's part of living, babe. Hopefully not. But if I do, I know I will love again. And I'm choosing to love again. A lot of people get like, sour or bitter about it and I just, I believe, I believe that we were meant to love one another and, and I think that you can have many lovely relationships in your time living, like. So. Yeah, I don't know if that answers the question, but that's my answer. Okay. How do you have, how do you have the hard conversations in relationships this is something that I am not an expert in. And it's probably my weakest point as a human is I do not like confrontation. And when it does come out, it does not ever come out the way that I want it to. So what I am learning is it's about being open and forward in a kind way. So, like, if something makes you feel a certain way or makes you upset, say that. Don't swallow it. Don't, like, just let it pass by. Clearly state it. If this has to do with dating, there's definite things that should not be just mulled over when you are basically vetting someone to see if they're a good fit for you. And I would just say, like, being honest. And that's something that I learned about myself from my last relationship, which was a long time ago. Gosh. September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May. Eight a year and eight months ago. So almost two years ago. No, it was 2023, and we're in 2025 now. Whatever. September of 2023, what I realized was, like, all the things. All the hard conversations I was avoiding were actually me being dishonest. And that was a hard pill for me to swallow because the reason we got to the point that we did was not only because of all of this poor behavior on this other person's part, but because I just let it steamroll me. Like, that's not honest. And had I been more honest with how I was feeling or how things that were done made me feel and stuck to that, number one, we wouldn't have been together that long. And number two, I would have been more honest. So that's what I'm learning. And what I want to share is, like, you holding things in. In not having the hard conversation is actually dishonesty. And that's kind of like a blunt, hard truth. But that's what I learned. So just sharing it with you. Okay, let's see. How do you handle growing apart from old friends? I think this is something that we've answered multiple versions of on the past episodes, but on the same strand. You're going to be evolving, and so your friends are going to change. And I think it's just doing that with grace and what that specifically means because people are like, give people grace. What does that mean? That means that you regard that person with love in your mind, how you speak about them, how you speak to them, even if you're not as close anymore. So you honor the relationship that you had with that person while also understanding that you might be growing Apart, because I think a lot of times, as you know, you're making new friends in your late 20s, and maybe it's the situation where, like I mentioned in the beginning, your friends still want to go out and you don't want to go out anymore, and so you might not be hanging out with that person as much or those. Those people. It's about just being. Giving them grace in how you treat them, even though you guys are no longer aligned in what you want to do. So, yeah, and just knowing that that's okay. Knowing that you're not required to stay the same level of friends with everyone you've ever met in your entire life. Like, are you friends with. I mean, I am friends with my kindergarten friends, but that's. That's very rare. Are you friends with every single person that, like, all growing up, you were friends with at the same extent? No, that's just kind of what happens. So it's okay. And, like, poor Grace over it. How do you deal with loneliness? Loneliness in your late 20s? Okay, this is a great question, I think, and it's so hard because I feel like a lot of people in their late twenties are just starting to experience some freedom in their lives where they're like, okay, I've got the career thing down, but, you know, I'm coming out of the season where all I did was work and go to the gym and go to church and, like, that's it. And I think this is, like, a time that you can really have fun with, exploring interests. And obviously dealing with loneliness is getting yourself in community. And I would just say make sure that you are using your time. You're probably newly found free time wisely getting yourself in rooms with other people to do activities that you like to do, really putting yourself out there, people think, is so scary. It's not like there is that moment where you're like, what do I do with my hands? But, like, just put them in your pockets or something. Like, I went to a new church and I had kind of that feeling. There's a huge fly in this room because my windows are open. That's good. Anyway. And I felt that I was like, what do I do with my hands? What am I doing here? And my thing was, like, I just made it a point to go and talk to a couple people, and then I'm good. Like, I don't have to, like, be the social butterfly, but, like, I have to make some sort of effort and then I can go. And I think to answer the original question, how you deal with Lonely loneliness in your late 20s is by getting in community. And then once you get in community, make sure that you are making an effort and I promise the loneliness will go away. Okay, how do you stop perfectionism from paralyzing you? Okay, so this episode is brought to.