Kiki-ing (w/ Oscar Montoya)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode Title: Kiki-ing (w/ Oscar Montoya)
Date: November 7, 2025
Host: Nicole Byer
Guest: Oscar Montoya

Overview

This episode is a hilarious, meandering, and candid conversation between Nicole Byer and Oscar Montoya—both comedians, TV personalities, and drag show hosts in LA. The pair digress gleefully from dating to pop culture, fashion, weird reality TV, and wild personal stories, all wrapped in their signature playful, kiki-ing banter. While traditional relationship advice takes a backseat, the theme of self-acceptance and finding joy (alone or partnered) seeps through. Much of the episode is a celebration of authenticity, laughter, and queer joy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter and T-shirt Discourse (03:10–05:18)

• Nicole compliments Oscar’s T-shirt, leading to a discussion about the real Tasmanian Devil, Looney Tunes character misrepresentations, and “bunny-coded” cartoon animals.
• Funny moment: “That’s not Taz. Is that wild that somebody saw that and then drew that?” (Nicole, 04:04)
• They spiral into a riff about how fashion brands make funny (sometimes problematic) T-shirts.

2. Casual Racism in 2000s Fashion (05:24–09:51)

• Reminiscing about Torrid and Abercrombie shirts, Nicole and Oscar recall problematic/racist T-shirts and commercialized racism in the 2000s.
  • They reference Abercrombie’s “Wong Brothers Laundry Service” and H&M’s “Coolest Monkey in the Jungle" PR disasters.
  • Notable quote: “Casual racism was everywhere. And that's not cool.” (Oscar, 09:01)
  • Discussion about the origins and co-opting of the word “woke.”

3. “Cancel Culture” and Comedy (09:05–11:45)

• They critique how “being canceled” can increase comedians’ income and visibility and question whether social accountability works.
  • Louis CK’s post-cancellation career used as an example.
  • Notable quote: “No one fights harder than bigots.” (Oscar, 10:39)
• They connect the concept of “wake me up inside” from Evanescence to the idea of societal awakening.

4. Nicole's Delivery Disaster and Lean Cuisine Talk (12:28–15:13)

• Nicole shares a story about a $30 salad gone missing due to delivery issues: “Should I simply scream ‘Where's my salad?’ into the night?” (Nicole, 13:25)
• Confessions about eating Lean Cuisine, the struggle with cooking, and the pitfalls of buying chicken in bulk.
  • Hilarious moment: “It never occurred to me [to freeze chicken]...I’m very much like, cook it now, never cook again.” (Nicole, 15:19)

5. Halloween Costumes and Roach Trauma (19:07–22:34)

• Oscar has worn a glamorous, bedazzled cockroach costume for 10 years. Nicole is horrified at the idea of roaches, leading to wild stories about roaches crawling on people in New York.
• Nicole riffs on her gynecologist visit and stoned thoughts about how gynecologists could mess with patients.
• Nicole recounts a child’s one-word joke (“one”) and how it slayed her more than the crowd.

6. Sexy Costumes & Fashion Nova's Wild Offerings (24:09–28:25)

• Nicole and Oscar riff on the most absurd and slutty Halloween costumes they’ve seen (e.g. “Yellow Creature” for Big Bird, “Cookies in the Jar” for Cookie Monster).
• Quote: “I’m truly in awe of what they can slutify.” (Nicole, 26:03)
• Discussion of group costumes like “sexy Oompa Loompas” turning accidentally Amish/colonial, leading to improv about churning butter.

7. Problematic and Bizarre Reality TV (28:40–34:46)

• A deep dive into old reality shows with wild concepts:
  • “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish” (31:12)
  • “Black. White.” (White family in blackface for "empathy") (30:24)
  • Shows using transphobia for shock (“There’s Something About Miriam”), “Joe Millionaire”, “Who’s Your Daddy?”
  • Quote: “The emotional manipulation of that show is crazy.” (Oscar, 33:57)
• Consensus: early 2000s reality TV was a “wild west.”

8. Traitors, Drag Race, and Casting Wishes (34:55–37:27)

• Nicole and Oscar gush about “The Traitors” reality show, imagining themselves as contestants and talking about friends/drag queens like Monet and Peppermint.
  • Concerns about how drag queens are treated on such shows.
  • “No, Monet is going to eat them alive. Either Monet will be the first out or she'll win.” (Nicole, 36:41)
• Nicole reveals Monet’s skill as a liar for strategic reality TV.

9. Dating...Briefly (37:30–56:00)

• Nicole tries to pivot to dating. Oscar shares how his first relationship was a joke-turned-real (“We were doing a bit. I thought it was a bit… at the very beginning,” Oscar, 51:15).
• Oscar reveals his current relationship, which began when he suspected a neighbor was following him, only to discover love after confronting him (53:10).
• Both admit to keeping relationships private, and reflect on shifting their self-image from “perpetually single” to “partnered.”
• Discussion of developing one’s own personality and being comfortable with oneself as prerequisites for a healthy relationship.
  • Advice for singles:

    “There is so much joy in being alone that a lot of people are scared of. And I would say, face that fear of being alone and come out the other side stronger… Be happy being single.” (Oscar, 55:16)

  • Nicole concurs: “It took me a very long time to learn how to be happy being Single… if it ended, yes, I would be sad, but I wouldn't, like, immediately jump to another one because I'm like, I'm okay being alone.” (Nicole, 56:40)

10. Drag Race, Stand-up, and The Sordid Tale of the Broken Toilet (57:53–50:53, non-linear)

• Oscar and Nicole promote the live “Bad Drag Race” show and swap stories about their mutual friend Mark Rennie’s iconic drag persona “Queef Counselor.”
• Nicole shares the infamous story of breaking a toilet at a venue by swinging her legs while sitting, sending water everywhere.
  • Quote: “The toilet broke out of the wall. I was propelled forward. Toilet water is shooting out...” (Nicole, 48:45)
• Discussion of being a stand-up comic, dealing with hecklers/main character audience syndrome, and Nicole’s evolution from sketch/improv to stand-up tours post-Girl Code.
  • Notable: Nicole admits she never actually felt she “got it,” but learned to craft jokes and handle disruptive audiences with grace and humor.

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Memorable Quotes

• “It's easier to remain the same than change. Imagine going to therapy and figuring out why you think the way you think.” — Nicole and Oscar, multiple times (01:09, 10:48)
• “You’ve got to know when to shut up. If I say shut the fuck up twice, that's good. If I got to say it a third time, you're a fucking nuisance.” — Nicole (44:22)
• “It should be only a boon for the person that you're seeing to be surrounded by your energy.” — Oscar (55:16)
• “She needed a personality on Josh. Now that's a shirt.” — Nicole (55:02)
• “I'm glad that we're in a woke culture where… if I saw a barbed dick, I would go, no!” — Nicole (65:01)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Tasmanian Devil, 2000s Fashion & Casual Racism: 03:10–09:51
• Cancel Culture & Comedy: 09:05–11:45
• Missing Salad & Lean Cuisine: 12:28–15:13
• Oscar’s Roach Costume & Gynecologist Jokes: 19:07–22:34
• Absurd Halloween Costumes: 24:09–28:25
• Reality TV’s Wild West: 28:40–34:46
• The Traitors / Monet Exchange: 34:55–37:27
• Dating Journeys & Self-acceptance: 37:30–56:00
• Broken Toilet Story: 47:54–50:53
• Advice for Singles: 55:16–56:40

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Tone and Language

Throughout the podcast, the language is candid, comedic, playful, self-deprecating, and marked by queer slang and improvisational riffs. Nicole and Oscar bounce off each other with ease, sharing personal stories and messy confessions in a way that’s both vulnerable and uproariously funny. They use humor to approach topics like body image, race, and queerness, while still offering nuggets of real wisdom.

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Conclusion & Takeaway

While the episode spends minimal time on “traditional” dating chat, Oscar and Nicole’s honest dialogue about self-acceptance, personality, and living joyfully—single or partnered—provides the most compelling relationship insight. The journey matters more than the destination, and being “happy being single” before partnering up is the ultimate lesson from their backed-up banter.

For those seeking relationship advice, a laugh, or pop culture nostalgia laced with biting wit, this is a classic Why Won’t You Date Me? episode.

Transcript

[A]

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode Description.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Imagine growing and changing, baby.

[A]

Imagine going to therapy and figuring out.

[B]

Why you think the way you think. Imagine waking up when you've been asleep this whole time.

[A]

Wake me up inside. I can't wake up. Oh my God. That Evanescence song is woke. It's woke.

[B]

It's woke.

[A]

No, she's trying to be woke and he's saying, no, I can't wake up. And it's a man holding a woman's back. I don't know any other lyrics.

[B]

All I remember is a music video and I think she's falling off a building and he's holding her, saving her. But what he's really doing is preventing her from jumping off the cliff of.

[A]

Being comfortable and into a sea of people of color which are there to lift her up. They're trying to lift her up. They're saying, come here, baby, come here. Wake me up inside.

[B]

Okay, Wake up.

[A]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me. A podcaster Me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come on the road and tell me it's just paint for the street. My guest today is a very funny comedian and actor you've seen on Minx and Dropout shows. He also hosts Bad Drag Race right here in Los Angeles, California. A show that I sometimes co host. When I remember that I said yes and I am in town.

[B]

It's always a treat when you show up.

[A]

It is constantly a battle because Mana will be like, see you tomorrow. And I'm like, I'm in Wisconsin. Or I think last time I was literally in North Carolina or something. Well, the finale is coming up November 15th, and I will be there.

[B]

Confirmed.

[A]

Check the calendar and every. I double check the calendar and I.

[B]

Put it also, if you don't want to show up, you don't have to.

[A]

And that's the glory of the show, period. Maybe I'll be there, maybe I won't. It's Oscar Montoya. Yay. Nicole. Oh, my God, Oscar. Thank you so much for being here.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

This T shirt is great. Do you know what a real Tasmanian Devil looks like?

[B]

Not like this, no.

[A]

They look sick as hell. They're some of the nastiest things you'll ever see in your whole fucking life.

[B]

What?

[A]

They're like little street river rats.

[B]

How big are. They're little.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

They're not like bear sized.

[A]

I don't think so. I think they're little river rats or I guess desert rats. They look pretty small. Look at that.

[B]

What the hell? That's what?

[A]

That ain't Taz. Is that wild? That's not Taz. Is that wild that somebody saw that and then drew that?

[B]

That's not the same.

[A]

That's cuter than that.

[B]

That's not the same. This is way cuter.

[A]

Bugs Bunny. That's a bunny.

[B]

That's a bunny. Wile E. Coyote.

[A]

That's not a coyote.

[B]

That's not a coyote.

[A]

Coyotes look crazy.

[B]

Yeah, coyotes look crazy. Their ears are not this long.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

This looks. It's actually kind of bunny coated.

[A]

It is bunny coated.

[B]

And then we got Daffy Duck, which.

[A]

Let me see. Daffy. Yeah, that's a duck.

[B]

That's a duck.

[A]

That's a duck.

[B]

A duck. That is a. Dude, this is not a Tasmanian Devil.

[A]

No. Aren't those nasty?

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Wait, Mars, where are they found? Look it up.

[B]

I assume Tasmania, but like on the.

[A]

Side of the street or in a backyard. Like, where am I?

[B]

They're just like dogs. Are they squirrels climbing trees? Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Like, yeah, they're found in all habitats on the island of Tasmania. Gross.

[B]

Wait, so like, that's their squirrel? Hold on. Yeah. Yes. Are they like, sort of seen? Like, do they even spin around like the Tasmanian Devil? Have we been lied to this whole time?

[A]

I Think we might have. They look so cute, though. You think? That is so little. Yeah, I don't like it.

[B]

Are they ferocious?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Those teeth, they look serious.

[A]

They look nasty. They're a. Wow.

[B]

But squirrels. Did you get that at Fashion Nova, too?

[A]

No, this. Okay. OG Fats will know it. This is like, when Torrid first came out. They had, like, T shirts. Do you remember the T shirts? That's like, I'm a Jersey girl.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Or like, I'm Jewish.

[B]

Yes. The two genders. I'm a Jersey girl and I'm Jewish.

[A]

Like, a funny thing on it.

[B]

You remember a funny thing on it? I'm Jewish.

[A]

Some were racist. Some were racist. It would be like fortune cookie. Like, I'm Chinese. Does anybody. Nobody remembers this? I'm just alone. I'm Chinese. I'm alone. I swear to God, I feel like Abercrombie. Abercrombie, like, made them popular and then there was, like, knockoffs everywhere.

[B]

Listen, racist clothing has been around since the dawn of time. There's been. What is that? What is that? Like, fashion company that made shirts that said, like, monkey baby or something and had a black model model that.

[A]

Monkey baby?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Wait, was it H and M? I feel like it might have been Target maybe or something like that.

[B]

Or maybe it was not me calling Target a fashion company.

[A]

Lol. A global fashion conglomerate.

[B]

Target.

[A]

I gotta say, I missed Target. They didn't tell me when the protest stopped. Oh, he was H and M. Ooh. I was.

[B]

Hm. I can't believe I work. Was it called. Was it.

[A]

It said, coolest monkey in the jungle. Is that the one you're thinking?

[B]

Oh, no, that's coolest, honestly.

[A]

But you're gonna be a monkey. Oh, you gotta be the coolest monkey in the jungle. Wait, Marth, can you look up? I'm so sorry. Usually we don't do this, but can you look up, like, silly racist shirts? Not that.

[B]

Silly racist shirts.

[A]

They were just, like, lightly racist. You don't. I can't believe you don't remember these. These are, like, all the rage in, like, middle school.

[B]

It's serving racism, but with the Aaron Roberts, like, I'm quirky, I'm racist. What?

[A]

Chinese. Oscar was right. This is, like, a shirt that came out from Abercrombie that was pretty racist. Asian? Yes. Can you read it?

[B]

Just for the audio.

[A]

Listen. Wong Brothers laundry service, 555Wong.

[B]

Two Wongs can make it white.

[A]

So this is of that era.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Fact, I'm glad you didn't show up with that shirt.

[B]

You Were deciding what to wear today.

[A]

And you're like, hmm, I cannot imagine the day I would have if I went to a Goodwill and found that shirt. It would be a wrap for everybody. I would be like, they sold it to me. I'm wearing it. And I'd be like, disclaimer. I know it's racist, but it's archival. Okay?

[B]

It's vintage. Okay. It's history. It's history.

[A]

It's historical.

[B]

Sometimes history's ugly, and I'm wearing the past with me. Hopefully we can all learn something from this.

[A]

We can learn something. We can read this and get upset together.

[B]

It hurts me to wear it, I gotta say. Like, we were around in the early 2000s when I think racism was so commercialized.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Casual racism was everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's not cool.

[A]

It's not cool, and it's wild. And it feels like. I mean, the term woke has been, like, thrown around and branded as, like, a bad thing, but it's just, like, it's black vernacular. We were saying it because we, like, woke up from the spell of patriarchy and, like, you know, societal norms set by white people or whatever. But I feel like the age of now where comedians and stuff are like, you'll get canceled. It's like, well, I can't say two Wongs make a white. I got canceled for that. And it's like, yeah, you're. And it's like, you're not even being canceled. You're finding a new audience of, like, other bigots. Literally, you're making more money after you say terrible shit.

[B]

There are huge, huge stars that are marketed as being problematic and finding a wide audience of fans, you know? So we're not out of it yet. No, we're still in it.

[A]

And it's funny. Cause, like, I think you make more money being canceled than you do being uncanceled. Because, I mean, to talk about. We could just say Louis ck, period. So he had an FX show that was, you know, it won awards, and Hollywood liked it. The coasts liked it. I don't think people in Ohio were watching it.

[B]

No.

[A]

But as soon as he got canceled, the people in Ohio were like, I'll spend money to see him live.

[B]

Finally, someone I can relate to.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

A coastal elite. That is just as problematic as I am. I gotta support.

[A]

I gotta support. I gotta throw that man my money.

[B]

It's so bizarre to me how no one fights harder than bigots.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They really staunchly fight for what they believe.

[A]

I'll tell you why it's easier to remain the same than change.

[B]

Imagine growing and changing, baby.

[A]

Imagine going to therapy and figuring out.

[B]

Why you think the way you think. Imagine waking up when you've been asleep this whole time.

[A]

Wake me up inside I can't wake up. Oh my God. That Evanescence song is woke.

[B]

It's woke, it's woke.

[A]

No, she's trying to be woke. And he's saying, no, I can't wake up. And it's a man holding a woman's back. I don't know any other lyrics.

[B]

All I remember is a music video and I think she's falling off a building and he's holding her, saving her, but what he's really doing is preventing her from jumping off the cliff of.

[A]

Being comfortable and into a sea of.

[B]

People of color which are there to lift her up.

[A]

They're trying to lift her up. They're saying, come here, baby, come here. Wake me up inside.

[B]

We've cracked the code of that song.

[A]

Simply cracked the code of one of my favorite songs.

[B]

One of your favorite songs?

[A]

My friend Nick came to visit and we were in my backyard. I was playing music, a 90s mix. That song came on and I sang every single line.

[B]

You know the word song?

[A]

No. I pulled it up on my phone and very loudly, just in the middle of us having a nice time outside, started Scream singing Evanescence. Both parts. It was not good. I constantly think my neighbors are like, she has to move, she's gotta get out.

[B]

What do you think your neighbors say about you? Real talk. Well, have they said anything?

[A]

I'm sure this morning my next door neighbors probably had something to say about me because last night I postmated a salad from Simply salads for $30. I said, leave it at my door. I don't want to speak. I've been a little sick. I didn't want to, you know, speak to anybody. So I check outside because it said it was delivered. Nothing. I said, what? I went to the app, I looked, there was a picture, it was in front of a white house. And I was like, well, your neighbors, but there's like three white houses in my neighborhood. And I was like, so which one? What do I do? Walk around trying to find my $30 salad? So I opted not to do that. So I'm sure this morning they found a nasty ass soggy wilted salad for Nikki. And then when I was talking to postmates, I said, what am I supposed to do? Wander the neighborhood looking for my salad? Should I simply scream where's my salad? Into the night I had a full blown meltdown because I didn't want to go explore my neighborhood.

[B]

I hope you got a refund.

[A]

I did.

[B]

Good. Okay?

[A]

I did. I said those two things, and she gave me my money back.

[B]

Period. The whole point of delivery services is you do the least amount of work.

[A]

Well, she hit me with. Once you say leave it at the door, you are removing any obligation for them to come find you.

[B]

Oh, yes. Leave it at the door. Not my door.

[A]

Not my door.

[B]

Any door.

[A]

Any fucking door. Isn't that wild? So I'm sure this morning my neighbors.

[B]

Were like, jesus Christ, this bitch loves salad.

[A]

She's probably hungry. She didn't get to eat her. I ate a sad. Lean Cuisine. Isn't that depressing. No. Because I had that last night for dinner. Wait, which one did you have?

[B]

I had the steak with the mushrooms.

[A]

Ooh, that's nice.

[B]

Which one did you have?

[A]

I had the chicken fettuccine steamer.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But I'm confused about the steamer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because there's sauce at the bottom, and I'm like, do I pour the sauce on top, or am I supposed to. Did you Just half of it? Because I didn't know. I didn't know if it was supposed to be like. Like a. Like a. A wind of flavor or like.

[B]

Because it is Lean Cuisine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't have too much flavor in the Lean Cuisine.

[A]

They're disgusting. But I simply. I have come to a conclusion. I can't cook. I just. I don't. I don't do it.

[B]

Have you tried cooking?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Flop bad.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Return her. Return it. No. So, okay, I can make chicken, but then you gotta clean up all the plates, and then if you make 100 pieces of chicken, you gotta eat chicken for the rest of the fucking week.

[B]

I'm sorry. Why are you making a hundred pieces of chicken?

[A]

I buy in bulk.

[B]

You gotta cook them all at the same time.

[A]

Buy in bulb. Oh, fuck you. It never occurred to me to, like, freeze and save for later. It never occurred to me.

[B]

You're like, well, I got three sacks full of chickens. I'm gonna make them all.

[A]

With the adhd, I'm very much like, cook it now. Never cook again. Every time I cook, I'm like, I'll never have to cook again if I just cook all of this.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

What are you gonna be for Halloween? Do you know Halloween was last week?

[B]

Well, what am I gonna be for Halloween last week?

[A]

We have to take a break.

[B]

Oh, we have to.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

And we're back. That was a beautiful cut point. What were you for Halloween last week?

[B]

Well, I typically wear the same Halloween costume every single year for the past 10 years. And that is a cockroach costume.

[A]

Wait, what are you. Wow, that almost came right up. A cockroach costume.

[B]

A cockroach costume. A cockroach costume. It's fun. It's easy to get into. I feel the most comfortable wearing a cockroach costume. And it's got, like, large antenna that could just, like that hit, like, moves around and hits people. I feel like it does feel like my hair, so sometimes I, like, put it to the side and sort of do a little antenna braid to it. It's really nice. But in the last bad Drag Race show, I wore the cockroach costume. Cause I didn't have an idea of what to do for my number. And I was like, let me just wear my cockroach costume. So I bedazzled my cockroach costume. So I'm gonna be a glamorous cockroach last week for Halloween.

[A]

Okay. All right. Do you. Ugh.

[B]

Do you not like roaches?

[A]

Oh, are you fucking kidding? What do you mean, do I like roaches?

[B]

Do you not like them?

[A]

Nobody likes roaches.

[B]

I don't like roaches.

[A]

You got, like, pet roaches? I don't have pet roaches. If you were in somebody's house and you saw a roach, are you staying.

[B]

Low key? I was at my friend's house. I kid you not. I was hanging out with her, and a literal cockroach was crawling up her leg, and she did not notice. And I'm not like, it's not a baby roach. This was like, water bug. Water bug, yes.

[A]

Was this here?

[B]

This was in New York.

[A]

I can forgive your friend a little bit.

[B]

A little bit. But, like.

[A]

But not.

[B]

I'm sorry. If a water bug is crawling up your leg, I don't care who you are, you react to it.

[A]

That bitch is nasty.

[B]

Here's the thing. This is where I'm the bad guy. I didn't tell her. I didn't want to be rude.

[A]

You didn't want to be rude? Bitch, you got a roach on your leg.

[B]

It was literally, like, crawling up. Ew. And then I couldn't see it anymore, and I was like, where is this roach in her pussy?

[A]

She gotta go to the gynecologist. Okay, wait, speaking of gynecologist, I went to the gynecologist yesterday and then I got really stoned last night and I was like, wouldn't it be funny if your legs were in the stirrups? And then they sat down and they went, boo. And then they went under the little.

[B]

Napkin and went, the gynecologist. Wouldn't that be funny? Or would that be the most unprofessional thing in the whole wide world?

[A]

Or they sat down with your legs up and then they leaned over so you could see their face and they went, yikes. Okay, genuinely, I woke up out of my bed. Cause I was like fading to sleep as I thought this and was like, I have to write this down in my notes app. So if you come see me, G stand up, you might see more of that. More of that.

[B]

But act shocked. That's surprised. You never heard it before.

[A]

You never heard it. Well, there'll be new things added to it. I'm going to really work.

[B]

What if.

[A]

It's going to be a 10 minute.

[B]

What if your set was just one joke and you walked away?

[A]

My feature or my host, this woman, she also features for me, Liz Barlow. She's so funny. Her daughter, she lives in near D.C. so she brought her daughter to one of the shows because her daughter was like, I want to tell a joke. And I think her daughter is three or four.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And she goes, I'm gonna tell one joke. And then she got on stage and Liz is like, this is my daughter. She's gonna tell one joke. Handed her the mic and she went one. And I was like, the crowd didn't give it to her. That's the funniest joke.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm gonna tell one joke.

[B]

That's Jericho one.

[A]

That's. And then I truly.

[B]

I got standing ovation for the queen.

[A]

I got on stage and I said, I can't believe I gotta follow that bitch. And I was livid. It made me. I was like laughing harder than the audience. I was like, you guys don't understand, like a four year old, like having a sense of their own humor. Literally.

[B]

That is funny and smart, I would say.

[A]

And a lot of children do not perform well under pressure.

[B]

No, not at all. She just came out with the one. Damn, that's a performer.

[A]

She barely had the mic in her hand too. She's like one.

[B]

She was so funny and no one gave her anything.

[A]

No, no, they laughed. They Were like. It was polite laughter as opposed to.

[B]

But they weren't feeling it screamed. Not the guttural.

[A]

No, I. Because I wasn't expecting it. I thought she would tell a long, meandering joke. She said one and done.

[B]

Or like a little, like, knock, knock joke or something? Some.

[A]

No, she said, I'm gonna tell you, my clothes are.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Damn, she's talented.

[A]

Wait, do you want my Elmo costume for Bad Drag Race?

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's a 2x.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, girl, I don't know. I'm a big bitch.

[B]

So am I. Okay. We're big bitches. That's okay. Okay. I don't know. I would love that.

[A]

Okay. I also have.

[B]

Wait, Elmo. I'm sorry. Your Elmo costume.

[A]

Elmo.

[B]

That's not what it says.

[A]

No, it does not say Elmo, y'. All. If you are looking for. Oh, Halloween's done. I'm sure Fashion Nova for next year.

[B]

For next year. For next year.

[A]

Fashion Nova will have so many more costumes also.

[B]

I had no idea Fashion Nova made costumes. Girl, when did they get in that game?

[A]

I don't know. I feel like as long as Fashion Nova's been around. But we got cookies in the jar. Six piece costume set. Cookies in the jar. That's Cookie Monster.

[B]

The way Fashion Nova's, like, ducking the copyright infringement lawsuits.

[A]

Malibu. M A L I B O O Rum Babe. And it has the Malibu logo, but it's spelt funny.

[B]

No. And that's just a dress.

[A]

It's just a dress. It says Malibu. You better believe. We got Yellow Creature. That's Big Bird right there. Yellow Creature.

[B]

Not even a play on, like, Sesame Street.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Big gigantic ostrich.

[A]

And then we got Juicy Watermelon.

[B]

What the hell?

[A]

It's just a slutty, slutty lady. I'm truly. These costumes, they have, like, a sexy Buzz Lightyear. I. I'm truly in awe of what they can slutify. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Give it over, Fashion Nova.

[A]

Wolverine. And they call it Clause and Effect.

[B]

That's funny. That's funny.

[A]

I'm dying.

[B]

Clause and Effect.

[A]

Oh, my God. Look at this one. This is a construction worker.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

This is.

[B]

What does it say? What's the name of the costume?

[A]

This is Playboy Hard Hat Bunny.

[B]

Not as funny.

[A]

And it only goes up to an xl, so they're fatphobic. I want to see a big bitch with rolls up in this. And if you're a big bitch with rolls. Who bought this? I would like to see it, please. Tag me Sandpigs. Honestly, Tag me in all of your slutty Halloween pictures. I want to see them, period. I love sluts.

[B]

What is the sluttiest costume you've seen in person?

[A]

The sluttiest costume I've seen in person. I've seen a lot of mystiques in the city. Not in la, but, like, the movie version. Yes.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

I've seen a couple naked ladies.

[B]

And in New York too. It's cold during Halloween time.

[A]

Oh, never gets cold. Cardi B said that. And I firmly believe that. Because anytime I'm, like, in nothing with my face beat looking right, I'm never cold. Never.

[B]

It's the heat of the glow.

[A]

It is. Keep me warm, Daddy. What's the sluttiest costume you've seen?

[B]

I've seen a couple of slutty costumes. My favorite was a gaggle of, like, I wanna say, like, 10 women dress up as sexy Oompa Loompas. But okay, so like, picture an Oompa Loompa from the movie, right? Orange skin, all of that. And they wear these pants that are like a little harem pants. But they were harem shorts.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which I'm like, I've never seen that before.

[A]

That's a bloomer. That's what that is. Them bitches were colonial. That's a bloomer. They said, let me churn butter after Halloween. They weren't. They weren't Rubspringa. It was Rumspringa. They left the Amish to be sexy Oompa Loompas. And they're going right back November 1st. They weren't Oompa Loompas.

[B]

They were Amish people with a weird form of scurvy.

[A]

Oh, my God. That is so funny. And they're like, why won't anyone take care of us?

[B]

Give me a line.

[A]

Why are they forcing us into a parade? That is so funny. They weren't wearing a costume.

[B]

They were just Amish people.

[A]

Sick Amish people. They got tired of churning the butter. Can you join the Amish? We've talked nothing about relationships.

[B]

The first time I was here, we didn't talk about relationships either. So that's on Brand. Can you join the Amish?

[A]

Can you?

[B]

I kind of want to. Well, Vanilla Ice did. Didn't he?

[A]

What?

[B]

Remember that show?

[A]

What?

[B]

Remember he did that show where he was in Amish for a little bit?

[A]

What?

[B]

Mars?

[A]

I'm looking it up.

[B]

Doesn't no one know about this?

[A]

No.

[B]

He literally.

[A]

How does it feel? How does it feel to be the only one in the Room to know something. Oh, it's called Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. It came out in 2013, period. 2013.

[B]

2013.

[A]

That's so funny. 2013. To me. We evolved past insane concepts for reality.

[B]

TV will always be insane.

[A]

Do you remember the show where whole families had to swap races? What?

[B]

In America's Next Battle, Tyra Baynes Challenge.

[A]

I believe it A and E. And I believe it aired for one episode and a white family had to be black. And they were like.

[B]

Please don't tell me.

[A]

Literally taught people empathy. They were like, I've never been treated. Yes. In black. They did, like, realistic blackface. And like, the dad has an interview or a monologue or whatever where he's like, yeah, I've never been treated like this in my whole life. And it, like, it's eye opening. And I'm like, should we paint all white people black and make them live a life just to see what it's like.

[B]

What year was that? Do you remember Mars?

[A]

Was it called Black White?

[B]

Maybe not Black White. Not the simplest Black white.

[A]

Trying to get a good image of it. That's the sort of yup, face that they did.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yep. Yep. No, no. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[B]

No. No.

[A]

What? Yeah. What year did that come out?

[B]

This is the. It's giving in the same era as Tu Wong's Make a White sort of vibe.

[A]

2006 ran for six episodes. Oh, six.

[B]

Six episodes after six. They said, actually, this could be a problem.

[A]

That's very funny. They're like, ooh, we shouldn't get to 7, 8, 9, 10. We gotta. We gotta. This gotta go.

[B]

This is crazy.

[A]

Isn't that wild? Oh, it was produced by Ice Cube. What? Sometimes it be your own people. What do you mean?

[B]

Ice Cube explains honestly.

[A]

Wait a minute. I literally just said we should do it. I get how Ice Cube got there. We'll teach them by making them be em.

[B]

This is a conversation Ice Cube had probably.

[A]

We'll teach white people empathy. We'll paint them black, and then they'll see how hard it is and we'll film it.

[B]

We'll only film six episodes. Just to make sure.

[A]

Just to make sure.

[B]

Just to make sure.

[A]

Wipe it from the Internet. Oh, my God.

[B]

There's a show. Reality TV like that. To me, that's a wild west of reality tv. There were so many shows that had, like, maybe one or two episodes that were so problematic conceptually, that got greenlit. There was one show where it was like Bachelorette style, but the. The Bachelorette is a trans woman. But they didn't tell the men at all. And so, like, at the final four, she's like, I'm actually a man. And, like, men threw up. Men threw up. And the idea was to, like, educate people about, like, trans women are women too.

[A]

But, like, that's not how you do it.

[B]

It's not how you do it.

[A]

Everyone's got to consent to what's going on.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

I mean, literally. Also, this is not on the same level, but Joe Millionaire, they had bitches sucking dick in the woods because they thought this man had money.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Slurp, slurp, they fucking put it. I remember being a child being like, literally, what is that what sex is? What, you gotta go out in the woods. But, like, I'm sure that lady would not have sucked that man's dick if he didn't have money.

[B]

Of course not. You know, but it was all. I mean, that was a time period where people were just lied to constantly. There was a show that got released, one episode, it was on Fox. It's called who's yous Daddy? Oh, do you know about this show? No.

[A]

Who's yous Daddy?

[B]

Who's yous Daddy? It's about a woman who's trying to find her biological father, and one of them is her actual biological father. And then there's like a dozen men who all wore masks, and they all are telling her that they are the father, and she has to guess who her daddy is.

[A]

Honestly, that's fun. Honestly, that's really fucking fun. That's really fun. Imagine all the memories you make with all your new daddies. So she gets to hang out with daddies and have daddy experiences.

[B]

I mean, it could be fun. But there was a scene that I saw a clip where this poor woman was like, daddy, you left me. You left me as a child. And this actor who wasn't her daddy was lying to her and most tears running down his face, being like, we were on drugs, we had to give you up.

[A]

It was the hardest thing in my life.

[B]

And it was cra. The. The emotional manipulation of that show is crazy. Got really. One episode was released, and they said.

[A]

It is what reality television truly is. So weird. An experiment on people, because you can make them do whatever you want as long as you sleep. Deprive them, give them a bunch of booze, sequester them. Don't let them have access to anything.

[B]

I mean, even at the very beginning, you look at shows like Big Brother and Survivor, who I would say are like the biggest big reality TV shows, and they were marketed not as reality shows, but as social experiments. So it came from a more, like, look at what we're making them do. But it's not weird. It's for sociology. It's for science.

[A]

And I'm like. And it's been distilled to traitors, where it's like, you're a traitor. How dare you say that about me? That show the name of the fucking game. I think I would win it.

[B]

I know you would. Would you play as a traitor or would you play as a faithful?

[A]

I would love to play as a traitor, but I also think I'd be a very good faithful.

[B]

You would be an incredible faithful.

[A]

I think I'd be very good at, like, sniffing out shit because I'm nosy as fuck. Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Traitors.

[B]

Honestly, putting that out in the universe cast. Nicole Byer.

[A]

The only reality shows I would, like, want to be a consistent person on.

[B]

It would be so fun to see you on Traders.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You get to wear cool outfits.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Think about all the styles that you would bring, the looks, the effects. Come on now. And while you. I see it for you. I truly do see it for you.

[A]

I gotta go.

[B]

Funches is doing this upcoming season.

[A]

He is? Yes.

[B]

Of the traitors.

[A]

Is it out?

[B]

Like, no, it's coming. It's like, next year or something.

[A]

Are you spoiling or.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

It's in. Out.

[B]

The cast list was announced.

[A]

Who else is on it?

[B]

Monet is doing it. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Monet's gonna kill.

[B]

Monet is.

[A]

Monet will lie straight to your face. As a good friend. As a very good friend.

[B]

I am nervous about the way that they treat drag queens on the traitors, because especially with Peppermint and even Bob, too.

[A]

I only watched Bob's season.

[B]

Great.

[A]

It's the only season I've watched, and.

[B]

I feel like Bob really held their own. But, like, Peppermint was done so dirty on her season. And, like, even with Bob, I feel like people were, like, dismissing Bob a lot. So I'm like. And also, they only have one Drag Race person on the show, whereas they had, like, 7,000 housewives. So they all, of course, lean into each other. So, like, I feel nervous for Monet, but I feel like Monet would.

[A]

No, Monet is going to eat them alive. Either Monet will be the first one out or she'll win.

[B]

Here's hoping she wins the damn.

[A]

I truly have seen her. There's a video of her with Trixie where she was like, you know, Nicole's a drag queen, and Trixie's like, nicole Byer, you're lying. And she's like, yeah, Nicole Byers a drag queen. She's not a woman. And Trixie was like, really? And she was like, no, I'm kidding.

[B]

Like, okay, so the bitch can sway.

[A]

She really can.

[B]

She can run.

[A]

She has literally looked me in the eye and said things, and then I have to, like, walk away and go, wait, no, that's not true, girl. What? Girl? What?

[B]

That's a skill.

[A]

It's like, such a skill. That's a skill to just truly look at your friend without blinking and say.

[B]

Yes, here's a lie.

[A]

My name's Thomas. And then go about your day.

[B]

Your name is Monet.

[A]

Your name is Monet. You're not Thomas. What's going on?

[B]

What?

[A]

Wait, let's talk about dating for one.

[B]

Okay, fine. Let's talk about dating for one second.

[A]

So I didn't know this. So your first relationship started with a friend who suggested you started dating as a bit. Where are you at? And then you were together for stuff. Seven years.

[B]

Who told you this?

[A]

This was printed out for me. Who? Lindsay. Lindsay, My wonderful assistant. Who? Lindsay is a fucking lifesaver.

[B]

How does Lindsay know about this?

[A]

Lindsay's great at research. Lindsay's great at everything. There's been times where I've made it to the airport and the plane has left without me. Rude. And I've been like, well, it's above me, Lindsay. We'll figure it out.

[B]

And she does.

[A]

And she does.

[B]

See, that's.

[A]

She really does.

[B]

Cause that's tough to show up to the airport and be like, well, now what?

[A]

The last time it happened, where was I going? Ugh, I don't fucking remember. Ooh, Denver. I was flying to Denver and Delta started leaving five minutes early. It's like they do this out of, like, habit. And, like, people like me need those five minutes. And I got there right at 15 minutes prior to departure. They. If they didn't leave 15 or five minutes early, I would have made it. And I, like, rushed up to the counter, and she was like, sorry, doors closed. And I was like, what? What do you mean? She was like, we left early. And I said, why would you do that to me? And she went, I. It's not just you. There was, like, two other men. She pointed at them. I was like, what am I supposed to do? Commiserate with these weirdos? So then I went to the corner, boo hooed for literally 30 seconds. And then went above me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then called.

[B]

Lindsay was like, honestly, that's the healthiest way to do that because, like, what are you going to do, spiral?

[A]

Yeah. It's not.

[B]

It's outside of your control.

[A]

It's my fault.

[B]

It's outside of your control.

[A]

It is technically my fault that I didn't get there two hours.

[B]

No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No.

[A]

It's Delta's fault because they left five minutes early.

[B]

It's Delta's fault.

[A]

But I'm still a Delta diamond diva. Love Delta. Love Delta. I'm a United Unicorn.

[B]

Wait, so you get to go to.

[A]

That, like, special Delta room only when you fly 360.

[B]

What the hell does that mean?

[A]

Girl, get into it. What's360 when you fly a fuck tonight? And I was. I was a 360 member before they had the lounges, which kind of sucks.

[B]

What the hell?

[A]

So right after Girl Code, or maybe it was like season two or three of Girl Code, I was touring, like, every fucking week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was on a plane every week, connecting flights.

[B]

Was that part of Girl, like, something that you had to do? Or were you just like, I'm so.

[A]

Colleges were like, come do stand up. And I was like, I don't know how. My manager's like, figure it the fuck out. So I figured it out on the.

[B]

Wait, I'm sorry, that's how you got into standup?

[A]

Yes. It's the most roundabout way.

[B]

Girl. What?

[A]

I know. My second or third show ever doing standup was an hour of standup at Rutgers University. I think I did. To be fair, I think I did 45 minutes. Emily Heller was there. She's my comedy fairy godmother. I was like, you have to close the show. You've been doing this much, much longer than me. You are a seasoned comedian. And she was like, no, they're here for you. You're on. You're on television. And I was like, I don't know what that means.

[B]

All right.

[A]

But then I learned it kind of gives you a pass to not really have jokes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I would tour during the week at colleges and do good to middling shows where, like, I would get like, pops for saying something from television or like a pop from saying X, Y and Z from Girl Code. And then I would do shows in LA on the weekends or maybe vice versa during the week. I don't know. When I was here, I would do shows and I'd bomb and I'd go, but that's crazy. And then I Like, I'm glad I have self awareness because I was like, oh, there is a grace period where people will allow me to be bad just because I'm on tv. But I have to figure out how to tell jokes and how to be good for everybody. And learning that on the road as a black woman, damn, was very, very hard. Because you think heckling's bad. Now a black woman on stage for when you and your weird, red, sunburnt wife are like, I just want to see the comedians.

[B]

And they're always sunburned.

[A]

They're always sunburned.

[B]

And they're always sunburned.

[A]

They're always sunburnt. Or their faces are white. Cause their makeup doesn't match and their chest is a weird, leathery coach bag.

[B]

That's so true. That's so true.

[A]

And it's like you have the audacity to say what to me. What? I'm on stage. I got in so many fights on stage with people because I was like, just listen to me, I promise you'll like it. But, yeah, that's how I started doing stand up.

[B]

That's crazy. I thought you were always a stand up person.

[A]

No, I did sketch and improv first.

[B]

That was your gateway.

[A]

Yes. And then.

[B]

And then girl coat. And then stand up.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah. And it was a real labor of fucking love trying to figure out how to tell a joke.

[B]

I was gonna say, like, you are a pro. You're like a master joke writer. Like, hey, thank you. Literally, I will. I will never forget your flight attendant joke. It is the fun. It's literally the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. But I'm like, that's a beautifully crafted joke.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You are so. That's crazy to me that for you, it's like, oh, it didn't come naturally. I had to work really hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn. When was a moment where you were like, I got this, I got it. I know how to do this.

[A]

I don't think I've ever had that moment, Nicole. I simply don't think I've ever been like, oh, I know exactly how to do this. Like, I know how to tell jokes and I know how to do my hour of material. But every show is different. Like, it was just in St. Louis, I had three shows. All of them were really, really fun and great. And the show that I had the most fun at, the last seven minutes were insane. There was this man who kept screaming and, like, just talking to me. And I do crowd work. I do crowd work at the Top. I do crowd work in the middle. If you wanna talk, we can talk.

[B]

There's a time for that.

[A]

But it was very clear that it was not the time to talk. And I, like, ended the joke over here. And I hear from this side of the room, don't look at me. And I was like, I have to turn.

[B]

I'm gonna look at me my whole.

[A]

Body to look at you. Who's looking at you? And then I said something else. And a lady in the front during a lull, like a transition, she was like. And that killed the mood. And I wanted to be like, bitch, so did you. So I literally said out loud, what.

[B]

Is with this popcorning of people?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

There needs to be etiquette about stand up.

[A]

I know, but I don't mind when people yell out things, because I can do it. Whatever. Sometimes it makes it more fun. But also, you got to know when to shut up. We're like, if I say shut the fuck up twice, that's good. If I got to say it a third time, you're a fucking nuisance.

[B]

Get him out of here.

[A]

No, I'll never throw anybody out of a show.

[B]

You've never done it.

[A]

I have. You just have to dig yourself out of that hole.

[B]

See, that's a skill that you need to.

[A]

I hate it.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Too much work. I would rather have them stay and then throughout. Because if you interrupt me up top, I have a pretty decent memory. I'll remember your name. And 20 minutes later, I'll say, how are you doing back there? You got more to say. And my favorite is when they're like, he left.

[B]

And I'm like, he jumped off a bridge.

[A]

Or my. My other favorite is getting their name and then being like, we hate you. And then everyone will be like, we hate you.

[B]

Which facts. You were in the show, buddy.

[A]

But during this show in St. Louis that I genuinely loved, to that man, I was like, I have seven more minutes. If you could just be quiet. Just shut the fuck up for seven minutes. And then he was like, okay. And I was like, no, no, no, no.

[B]

That was talking.

[A]

That was none of that. And then told another joke. And then that lady was like. And that killed the mood. And I said, two minutes. I have two. Two minutes to two.

[B]

What I say to him goes for everyone.

[A]

And I get off stage and I'll go to the hotel and all of you can just sit here and have a nice time with one another. Could you imagine if that's what y' all need? Two minutes. And I'm gone. And some people will be like, oh, maybe they're heckling because they don't like your material. And I'm like, no, no. They're, like, adding to it. They're like, yay. Or like, that resonates.

[B]

They paid, they showed up. They know your work. Like, yeah.

[A]

You'd be surprised, though, when people didn't know my work, they would come and just be like, a little rowdy.

[B]

What's the psychology there?

[A]

Oh, main character syndrome.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Where, like, I'm. It's my night out with the girls.

[B]

Oh. Or so they're performing. They're like, okay.

[A]

Yes. Everyone is performing.

[B]

It's the same vibe as, like, you know, Bachelorette at a drag show.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's like, I'm with my girls. It's my day. Let me show off a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, look what I can do.

[A]

And here's what you can do. If you want to have a moment, call up that venue. Oh, wait. Call up that venue. I just improvise.

[B]

Improviser.

[A]

Improv class.

[B]

Improviser.

[A]

Call up that venue. Hi, it's my birthday. Can I have a special shout out from the performer that I love, period? You can do that. Thank you.

[B]

And then you say, oh, it's really easy to do that.

[A]

And you wait and you're.

[B]

And I'm not hurting anyone or affecting anyone's performance.

[A]

If anyone ever asked for that, I did a proposal on my stage. The live why Won't yout Date Me show in Chicago years and years and years ago. Did I want to? No.

[B]

No.

[A]

I was very single at the time. And bitter. You were covered in toilet water at the time, too, Mars. Sorry. How dare.

[B]

Mars. What?

[A]

How dare. Nicole was covered in. Mars was toilet water. I can't believe you said. Even louder. I can't.

[B]

Okay, you gotta spill. You gotta spill. What happened? What happened?

[A]

She was like, you will know about this, so I'll tell the story. Thank you, Mars. It's one of my favorite moments on the podcast. It was in Talia hall in Chicago, and I was doing, I think, High and Mighty or Doughboys and why Won't yout Date Me? And in between shows, I went to the bathroom. You ever just have a nice time in the bathroom?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I was having a time of my life. I wasn't shitting or nothing like that. A little tinkle. And then I had my legs crossed on the toilet and was swinging my legs like this. What?

[B]

I was like, oh, like you were on a swing.

[A]

Yeah. And I was like, having A time I don't even think. I was drunk.

[B]

And then you were just vibing in the bathroom. I get it.

[A]

The toilet broke out of the wall. I was propelled forward. Toilet water is shooting out of the fucking call.

[B]

There's no way that could have happened.

[A]

It happened. It happened. And the thought it made. And I was just dead ass silent, just dead ass on the floor. And then I.

[B]

You swung. You swung. You got propelled out. Did you land, like, on the floor?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

With, like, water, just.

[A]

Yes. Shooting out at me. The toilet broke out of the fucking wall. And honestly, I don't know if you.

[B]

Could see Mars with photo evidence. Mars with photo evidence. I can't believe how crazy you pulled that up. It's in her favorites, of course.

[A]

My God.

[B]

Oh, my God. Nicole.

[A]

Okay, I knew.

[B]

Were you okay? Were you, like, hurt at all?

[A]

Yes, I wasn't hurt because a toilet's not that high up, and I wasn't, like, propelled, but it was just like. But on that picture, is there toilet paper on the seat? There is, yes. I think I was like, midwife.

[B]

You were almost done. You were like, I'm about to get. Five seconds later, you would have been fine. But.

[A]

And then nobody told the venue. I said it on stage. And that's how they found out their whole toilet was broken. But honestly, I wish that was the catalyst for me to lose weight, and it wasn't. I kept munching. I said, let me double down because I think I gained weight after that. I was like, what else can I break? Fee 5 fo fucking foam. I. And then Gabris and Mitch were like, we'll tell them we broke the toilet. And I was like, no, no, boys, stand down. I'll own this one. I wanted to be like, what are we going to do? Two little monkeys jumping on the toilet. What do you mean you broke the. We broke the toilet. It was honestly the most chivalrous. Chivalrous thing a man's ever done before.

[B]

That's quite nice.

[A]

That's quite nice. We'll say we broke the toilet together. We have to take one more break. So you were in a relationship for seven years with a friend?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You were doing a bit?

[B]

Yeah, we were doing a bit. I thought it was a bit. I thought it was a bit.

[A]

I was like, for seven years?

[B]

No, no, no. This is at the very beginning.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This is someone that I went to school with in college, and it was like the first. We've never dated men before.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And we did not like each other. Wait, what'd you say? Gag or gay?

[A]

I went gag. Gay for no reason.

[B]

Gay.

[A]

Can I just tell you? When I knock on John Milhiser's door to his apartment, I go gay. And I'm 100% sure his neighbors are like, the Menace is back. Because Nicole the Menace. I mean, Nicole the Menace, they'll hear gay, and then they'll hear, like, the Sex and the City theme song for an hour.

[B]

Is that what y' all do?

[A]

We once played the Sex and the City game.

[B]

I'm sorry, Game.

[A]

There's a game?

[B]

It's also, like a board game or a video game.

[A]

It's a board game, but there's no board. It's cards with cards in a box.

[B]

What are the questions? Is it trivia?

[A]

It is trivia. It'll be like, what's the color of the shoe in the closet? When. Oh, that's from the movie.

[B]

That's okay. That's still part of Sex and Theater.

[A]

Yeah, but I think it's just the series. So you dated a friend for seven people.

[B]

Give it up. No one cares.

[A]

But I want to know. Give it up. How did it. How did. Wait, okay, so you started dating a guy after you thought he was following you home? Wait, a who?

[B]

Lindsay. How are you finding out that this is. I don't think I've ever told anyone this story.

[A]

Wait, really? Yes. You don't have to share it if you want to. No, I do.

[B]

I mean, I could easily. This is. This is the person I'm currently seeing, and we.

[A]

I didn't know you were seeing somebody. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was literally.

[A]

Did you meet them?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. Because they're in the shadows.

[B]

They're a vampire. No, I was, like, walking. We live very close to each other, and I was walking, and he was walking behind me for a very long time. And I was like, I'm about to get killed by this man behind me. And I was like, you know? And he was following me on his phone, and I turned around and said, are you following me? And he looked up and he's like, what? And I was like, you're following me.

[A]

You're following me. You're following me.

[B]

What is that? Charlotte? Is it giving? Charlotte.

[A]

That's giving a Carrie.

[B]

Oop. Okay, fine. I'll accept it. I was being Carrie at the moment, and I was like, you're following me? And he was like, no, I live right there, and I've never felt stupider. And I was like, oh, I live right there. And then we got to talking, and then we went on a Date. We've been together ever since.

[A]

When was this?

[B]

This was a year ago, Oscar.

[A]

We're good friends, and I did not know this.

[B]

I don't really talk about relationships with that.

[A]

And you're not my only friend where I found out they've been with someone over. One of my very, very good friends that I saw on a daily basis was dating somebody that I just had never met. And I think they were dating for, like, two years. And I was like, what? Yeah, but I think that's a man thing.

[B]

Oh, this is your friend is a man?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I don't. For me, I don't. Like, I keep, like, my private. I mean, not. Not my private stuff private. Like, I don't care who knows? But for me, I'm like, to me, I'm like, who cares?

[A]

Fair.

[B]

Who cares if I'm seeing anyone or not? You know, I will say that, like, a big part of my personality was me being single forever.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And now that's not a part of my personality anymore.

[A]

The personality had to change.

[B]

I know.

[A]

She needed a personality on Josh.

[B]

Now that's a shirt. Wow.

[A]

Okay. I do ask all my guests this, so I'll ask you. Do you have any advice for single people?

[B]

Yes. Live in it. I feel like so much now that I'm on the other side of it. There's so much like, who am I if I'm not dating someone? And then the search is always like, I need someone to complete me or whatever. It should be only a boon for the person that you're seeing to be surrounded by your energy. And I think this, like, quick grab of, like, I need to not be single is an act of, like, maybe not feeling fully comfortable in yourself and your skin and not analyzing, going deeper of, like, why this is an important time for you to reflect your singleness and, like, develop your own sort of, like, personality, your vibe as an individual. So then the person that comes into your life will only enhance your life, you know, because nine times out of 10, you'll meet someone and you'll realize, like, oh, this person didn't, like, solve my problems, you know? And if you're going into it because you're scared of being lonely, don't do it at all. There's so much. There is so much joy in being alone that a lot of people are scared of. And I would say, face that fear of being alone and come out the other side stronger. So be happy being single.

[A]

I like that because it took me a very long time to learn how to be happy being Single, and, you know, I don't want my relationship to end. I really like that nice man. Yes. But if it ended, yes, I would be sad, but I wouldn't, like, immediately jump to another one because I'm like, I'm okay being alone.

[B]

And also, like, now that you are in a relationship, what you offer to this nice man is. Is, like, more than you could have ever offered if you didn't do that work.

[A]

Absolutely. Because the relationships I had before that, I would be like, ooh, how do I. How do I make you like me, Mom?

[B]

Literally.

[A]

How do I make you like me?

[B]

I do this, and you're taking yourself out of the equation entirely. Your personality fades in order for you to keep what? A partner that likes a version of you that you're projecting, baby. That ain't it.

[A]

It ain't it.

[B]

I love it. It ain't. Wow, fam. Jewish.

[A]

Jewish. Anyway, Oscar, we have come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote?

[B]

Yes. You can come see me, Mano Agapien and Nicole Byer on November 15th at 10:30pm at the Dynasty typewriter with Bad Drag Race, Louisiana's crunchiest drag competition show. It's the finale. It's gonna be a good time. The cast is super stellar. I'm so excited for you to see the cast. They're great.

[A]

I am also very, very excited. Who is Mark Rennie for the Snatch Game? It made me laugh.

[B]

Oh, Truman Chipotle.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which is just also Mark Rennie's in this.

[A]

I love Mark's so hard.

[B]

I've been trying to get Mark to do Bad Drag Race for years, and he's been very resistant. And then suddenly he's like, great, I'm doing it. My drag name is Queef Counselor. And it's.

[A]

And then made a track. That was so funny.

[B]

So and so good.

[A]

Mark is so funny.

[B]

Like, Mark is the. One of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. An icon, truly an icon.

[A]

John Millhiser. He's done it a couple times as mistakes, and he does this stomp that's so funny.

[B]

Fake stomp. Of course. It's so fun to see friends that haven't done drag do drag for the first time and unleash a very powerful side of themselves.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It happened with Mark. It happened with John. It'll happen to you, too.

[A]

It'll happen to you.

[B]

So do drag, please. So, yeah, that. And then, you know, watch Minx. Minx is coming to Netflix in November, so watch Minx on Netflix.

[A]

You can get Them Rizziji, baby.

[B]

That's all I want.

[A]

Oscar, would you date me?

[B]

Of course I would.

[A]

Wow, fam. Well, that's it for this episode. If you like this episode of why Won't yout Date Me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. Give me 5 stars on Apple podcasts if you write me something nasty. Hitting on me to why won't you date me? Podcastmail.com. i will read it aloud. And please keep them short, because y' all are writing novels and we don't have time for that. Uh, hey, Nicole, you say that you're Garfield because you love lasagna, and so do I. I fucking love lasagna. And I was sick last Friday, and I had made a reservation to go get lasagna, and I couldn't go because I was sick. I cried.

[B]

Anyway, Lean Cuisine makes lasagna.

[A]

Shut up. But is it good lasagna?

[B]

No, it's awful. It's Lean Cuisine lasagna. It's awful.

[A]

I've been jazzing them up with spices, the ling cuisines. I've been putting, like, garlic powder and.

[B]

Onion powder in them. Can I tell you, I didn't think that was allowed?

[A]

I didn't think it was allowed either until I put some crushed fucking pepper in something and I went, ooh, whoa. I think I'm onto something.

[B]

Wait, that's actually.

[A]

Who am I? Ratatouille?

[B]

That's actually crazy, because I'm like, the food sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it.

[A]

I've been seasoning.

[B]

I have seasoning in my house. The fuck?

[A]

I hope so. You're from Colombia. I really do love when native Spanish speakers say Spanish words, because they'd be like, I'm so hungry, I could eat a quesadilla. No, that was wrong. I could eat a tamale.

[B]

Yeah, you said. You didn't try to correct yourself by saying quesadilla. You just said a whole different other food.

[A]

I didn't know how to say quesadilla in a. And a Spanish accent. Hispanic. Listen, yo habla espano Un poquito. Un de que?

[B]

Un poquito.

[A]

Claro, claro. Quesi CRO in ingles.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Oh, si, si.

[B]

Hablaspanol.

[A]

No comprende. What did you say?

[B]

Tell me something in Spanish.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Que tienes?

[A]

My shirt says wow. Thanks. Oh, Como siri say wow.

[B]

Loca o salbaje loca O salbaje loca.

[A]

Also baje.

[B]

You said crazy or wild, which would be a fun shirt.

[A]

I want to learn Spanish so bad. When I was in Mexico last, how am I learning it? By not doing a single fucking thing. But when I was in Mexico last, I was there for five days, and by the fifth day, I was like, truly kind of understanding things.

[B]

You have to immerse yourself in there because of context. Yes.

[A]

We were in the car and the driver started yelling at these two female officers because they had pulled a car not fully to the side of the road. And he was like, saying. And then he rolled down his window to tell him what he thought, and they were yelling back and we drove away. And I was like, yeah, I can't believe they didn't pull that car further over. And he was like, you understand Spanish? And then was like. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Just a barrage of.

[A]

He was just like.

[B]

Hola.

[A]

Hola. No, no. Hola. Hola. I'm in the middle of reading this, so let's pretend.

[B]

Wait, that wasn't the end of the email.

[A]

I told you. This episode's unhinged. And I think I took my medication. So let's pretend we're two orange, sexy felines strolling down a dark and whimsical alley in Italy on a date where we dumpster dive our favorite five star restaurants. I wish we had money. I don't want to be an alley cat.

[B]

No, in this case, you're poor.

[A]

I'm poor. In this case, fantasy. Once we get lucky and find a wasted plate of our meaty, cheesy, saucy delicacy, you will lay down on your back where I will purr like the kinky gib I am and nibble at your spade.

[B]

What is gib?

[A]

I don't know. It's capitalized. A gib.

[B]

Oh, kinky gib.

[A]

Kinky gib.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

Maybe gimp. Gimp suit.

[B]

Gimp suit. Why is a cat wearing a gimp suit?

[A]

Girl, I don't know. I'm trying to. I'm trying to help this person out.

[B]

Help.

[A]

I don't know. Stuffed and loaded little puss making you purr and purr. Then you'll flip over and let me lick your butt. Because after all, this nasty tomcat is only here for your pleasure. Okay, bye. From Mello. Listener since the beginning. Mello, thank you for being a listener since the beginning. And thank you for this nasty little. Come on. I did have critiques, but I liked it.

[B]

Don't cats have, like, corkscrew penises?

[A]

That's a duck.

[B]

Oh, no. Cats have barbed penises.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yes. You're Right. Ducks do have a coiled penis, but cats have a barbed. So when they insert themselves on a cat, the cat's trying to get out and it won't. So that's why they've evolved to have barbed dicks. So that's what's gonna happen.

[A]

You know, I'm glad I'm human and I'm glad that we're in a woke culture where wake me up, wake me, I can't wake up. Where if I saw a barbed dick, I would go, no. And they would have to respect it. Or if a corkscrew was coming at me, I would go, no. They would have to respect it. I think we should start going, no, no, no, no, no. Like the server. If you're like, can I have this? And they're like, we're out of it. You go, no.

[B]

They're like, okay, let's go buy this ingredient.

[A]

Whatever. Wow. Okay. Goodbye. Oh, you've been listening to why won't you date me with me? Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenneth sk. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thief music is arranged by Mike Comate. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye. Bye.

[B]

That was a Hitgum podcast. What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl. And we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is gone.

[A]

That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

[B]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Waynes Jr. And your dad. We talked to your dad on this show as well.

[A]

Make sure you subscribe to the Mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.