Podcast Summary: "The Dark Reality of 'Skinny Privilege'"

Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer
Guest: Nava Kavelin
Release Date: November 28, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features Nicole Byer in conversation with Nava Kavelin—host of the "Pod Crushed" podcast and author of "Crush: Essays on Love, Loss and Coming of Age." They dive into the experiences of dating, body image, "skinny privilege," self-worth, growing up, and the sometimes dark impacts of pop culture and childhood on perceptions of love. With Byer’s signature humor and candidness, the episode balances tough truths with laugh-out-loud moments and practical wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Skinny Privilege and Visibility

• Personal Experiences with Weight & Dating

  • Nava shares story: weight loss as a teenager brought exponentially more male attention, changing her sense of visibility and self-worth.
    • "[Before my weight loss] I'd had one boy tell me that he liked me. And then that summer, 10 boys told me. I was like, oh, my God. Being skinny, really...just, like, people see you." (03:02)
  • Nicole relates: during weight loss, men became more helpful and attentive; before, she felt “like a fat ghost.”
    • "I was a fat ghost and now I'm a less fat mirage where they can see it." (04:36)
  • Both reflect on how thinness is internalized as a precondition for desirability and happiness—even when this doesn't match reality.

• Societal Conditioning

  • Nicole frames this as not personal failure, but the effect of cultural messaging around bodies.
    • "I don't necessarily think it's unhealthy. I think it's what we've just been served." (04:00)

• Dark Humor & Shared Stories

  • Both share stories of unhealthy weight loss (grief, drugs) receiving positive reinforcement from others, illuminating how “the system” encourages and rewards unhealthy behaviors.
    • "My dad picked me up and was like, whoa, you look great. Whatever you're doing, keep it up. And I was like, whatever I'm doing, keep it up. My dad wants me to do more cocaine!" (05:22)

Body Image, Self-Talk & Therapy

• Ongoing Struggles with Body Image

  • Nava: Even into adulthood, confidence is conditional—weight gain brings negative self-talk.
    • "When I hit above a certain weight, I think about my weight constantly… if I go above it, then my relationship [with my body] gets really unhealthy…" (05:56)

• Therapeutic Tools

  • Nicole shares a simple therapist insight: talk to yourself as you would a friend.
    • "Hey, why would you talk about a friend like that? You're your own friend." (06:23)
  • Both acknowledge it takes active work to shift this mindset and social permission to enjoy oneself at any size.
    • "Giving ourselves permission to, like, enjoy, have fun, date, be sexy. Like, you don't have to be at any weight for that to be allowed." (07:09)

Dating Journeys: Late Bloomers, App Experiences, and Relationship Dynamics

• Starting to Date “Late”

  • Both Nicole and Nava started dating “late” (19 or beyond), comparing themselves to peers and pop culture expectations.
    • "I started dating when I was 19...In Puerto Rico, people start younger. Most of my friends had boyfriends in seventh grade." (07:23)

• Dating App Experiences

  • Nicole shares her taxonomy of dating apps:
    • Hinge: “where I've met most of the people I've dated for more than two months.” (09:11)
    • Tinder: “Everyone I've met on Tinder has been, like, just from the dumpster.” (09:17)
    • Bumble: Cultural barriers lead to poor results for women of color, despite the app’s premise.
      • “I only think a certain type of woman can ask a man out and not seem aggressive… Women of color come off as a little aggressive to men…” (09:38)

• Relationship Stability vs. Drama

  • Nicole describes being in a healthy, drama-free relationship (for the first time) and struggling to believe it can be so simple.
    • "There’s no drama. And for a long time I was like, well, I don’t know if this is working...You’re not annoyed by me. You accept that I’m a late person. You ask if I need more time." (08:36)
  • Importance of reciprocity and not chasing after unavailable or non-reciprocating partners.
    • “The literal, basic entry point for relationship is reciprocity. That’s like, the basic thing. And it took me, like, an embarrassingly long time to accept that." (13:29)
    • Nicole: “If somebody says something, believe them. Yeah, believe it.” (18:08)

• Learning to Be Comfortable Alone

  • Both discuss how growth involved being ok alone and leaving “situationships” or non-committal partners behind.
    • "And being okay alone... I was in, like, a situationship for, like, two years. I dated a man for two years who wouldn't be my boyfriend. That's crazy." (17:04)

Pop Culture, Early Scripts, and Unrequited Love

• Media Imprints: TV & Soap Operas

  • Nava discusses how shows like "Passions" and "Dawson’s Creek" taught her that pining for someone who doesn’t reciprocate is normal—even aspirational.
    • "That idea of, like, it’s okay for it to not be reciprocal for a long time, that felt really normal to me. And it’s taken me so long as an adult to be like, that’s not okay." (13:29)
  • Nicole realizes she has internalized "chasing" as a default, describing suspicion at being liked without drama.

• Religious and Cultural Differences in Dating

  • Nava recounts downplaying her Baha’i faith to attract a Southern Baptist boy in college, and the limits of cross-faith attraction.
    • “He wouldn’t give me a shot. Cause I wasn’t Baptist.” (23:07)
    • Explains Baha’i tenets of oneness and ridding discrimination (20:00–21:06).

Generational Gaps and Humor

• Aging and Relatability
  • Nicole’s bit about jokingly telling Gen Z kids she’s 67, poking fun at generational divides, and her run-ins with youth culture and music.
    • "They were like, oh, my God, you look great...I'm the hottest 67 year old they've ever met." (29:05)

Red Flags and Relationship Wisdom

• Red Flags to Watch For

  • Lying, reluctance to discuss commitment, and treating parents badly.

• Nicole’s Comedy Life & Supportive Partners

  • Nicole describes bombing in Buffalo and how her boyfriend’s levelheadedness helped (34:06).
    • "I can call him when I'm down and he'll accept it and not try to, like, make me feel better or make me feel worse." (34:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Skinny Privilege:

  • Nava: "You just become visible to people... when I gained the weight back, the numbers went down." (03:02)

• On Dating App Racial Dynamics:

  • Nicole: "I only think a certain type of woman can ask a man out and not seem aggressive, desperate, or needy. And I think women of color come off as a little aggressive to men...when it's the whole premise of the app." (09:38)

• On Therapy and Self-Talk:

  • Nicole’s therapist: “Why would you talk about a friend like that? You’re your own friend.” (06:23)

• On Being Chosen & Feeling Safe:

  • Nicole: "I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt safe to, like, just be me or I felt comfortable in the fact that they like me." (14:40)

• Relationship Advice:

  • Nava: "Don't be afraid of failure...If you can have a sense of humor about it, not take it so seriously, I think it becomes easier." (53:27)
  • Nicole: "Having a sense of humor about it is so essential because the goofiest shit happens." (53:27)

Key Timestamps

• 01:25 — Nava’s story about a friend whose weight loss (via grief) led to increased male attention.
• 03:02–04:53 — First deep dive into experiences and feelings around “skinny privilege.”
• 07:09 — Giving oneself permission to date/enjoy life at any size.
• 09:11–10:09 — Dating app breakdown: experiences and cultural/racial dynamics.
• 13:29 — Realization on reciprocity and not chasing unrequited love.
• 17:04–18:15 — Escaping "situationships" and being okay alone.
• 24:00–25:00 — Nava explains the Baha’i faith for context.
• 34:06–34:59 — Nicole discusses vulnerability and acceptance in her current relationship.
• 40:07 — Realization that rejection isn’t personal—“They're trying to find someone who works well with them, and just because it's not me, that's okay."
• 53:27–54:44 — Relationship advice and call for potential matches for Nava.
• 55:07 — Nava plugs her book ("Crush More") and recommends the audiobook version.

Closing Reflection

This episode bravely tackles how society shapes—and often warps—our perceptions of worth and love, especially through the lenses of weight, media, and cultural scripts. Both Nicole and Nava model honest self-examination, humorous vulnerability, and hard-won wisdom, making this a cathartic and relatable listen for anyone navigating love, body image, or the dating world.

Guest Plugs:

• Nava Kavelin’s Instagram: @nnnava (three n's)
• Book: 'Crush More' (essays, available in audiobook)
• Podcast: Pod Crushed