Tig Notaro (2:44)

Hi.

Rachel Martin (2:44)

I'm so glad to be here with you in this conversation.

Tig Notaro (2:47)

Same.

Rachel Martin (2:48)

You want to play a game?

Tig Notaro (2:49)

That's why I'm here. Okay.

Rachel Martin (2:53)

So this is round one. Memories.

Tig Notaro (2:55)

Yep.

Rachel Martin (2:56)

One, two or three?

Tig Notaro (2:58)

I'll take two.

Rachel Martin (2:59)

Two. At what point in your life did you spend the most time alone?

Tig Notaro (3:07)

Hmm. I've lived in Colorado a couple of different times. And the first time that I moved there when I was a teenager, I dropped out of high school and got a job, saved my money to move, and I was so scared and excited to start my life.

Rachel Martin (3:31)

And you just, like, threw a dart at a map, like, why?

Tig Notaro (3:35)

Well, I had gone. My mother.

Rachel Martin (3:36)

You grew up in Mississippi, that's all.

Tig Notaro (3:38)

I was in Texas.

Rachel Martin (3:39)

In Texas.

Tig Notaro (3:39)

Mississippi and Texas, both of those places. But my mother went to college in Gunnison, Colorado Western State. And my father had lived in Colorado. I just always heard about it. And then this childhood friend, Shannon, and I decided to go on a. We told our parents we were going to Galveston beach in Texas for the weekend or maybe for a week. I don't know what we told them, but we drove to Colorado and camped on the side of a river, on the side of a mountain, and had no idea that there was a prison around the corner from us. But it was so beautiful. It was just like, oh, this is why my mother only talks. Yeah. About Colorado. And so.

Rachel Martin (4:34)

But then you just started as a camping trip, and then you were just like, just kidding. I live here now.

Tig Notaro (4:39)

Well, I was like, I got a. First of all, we got caught. Shannon. Our parents didn't know where we were, and Shannon's brother or boyfriend cracked and told on us. And then, yeah, we. When I say we got in trouble. My mother actually was just thrilled that I was alive. And she took me out for Mexican food and wanted to see all the pictures, but she was like, oh, sweetie, you cannot do that ever again. But let me see the pictures. But, yeah, after I visited Colorado, I was like, man, this feels like home to me. And so I packed up.

Rachel Martin (5:23)

But you were. The question was about loneliness. So you knew one or two people there?

Tig Notaro (5:30)

No, I didn't know anybody. I just went. I got a job in an apartment, and I started going to coffee shops and open mics and just trying to show up places where I thought like minded people would be. And I was very lonely, but I was very excited for I just felt like my life was there. And it turned out it was, and. Yeah, but it was. I was alone for quite a while before I gathered my crew.

Rachel Martin (6:06)

Okay, three more. One, two or three?

Tig Notaro (6:10)

One.

Rachel Martin (6:11)

One. What was a moment when you felt proud of yourself as a kid?

Tig Notaro (6:20)

I felt, this is so dumb. I was proud of myself about, like, a joke I had made, and I couldn't believe how funny this joke was. And I was probably seven or something, and I was in the lunchroom, and a friend of mine had one of those little tiny bags of Fritos.

Rachel Martin (6:54)

Yeah. Little snack bag.

Tig Notaro (6:56)

Yeah, snack bag. And they opened it. They were having that with their lunch. And they opened the bag, and the bag was upside down. But I made the joke. I was like, oh. I said, all of your Fritos are upside down now. And I thought that was. That concept tickled me to no end. And I couldn't believe. And my friend was a little like, oh. But I was really lost in my own head of like, wow, that is really clever. And, you know, honestly, I stand by it. And I still think it is. It's a good one.

Rachel Martin (7:40)

When that happened to you, though, was that you were like, oh, this is fun. I'm funny. Even if people don't like, I'm funny. And maybe I can keep.

Tig Notaro (7:49)

I mean, I was already. I mean, out of the gate. I was that kid that was always making jokes in class. But I remember feeling so seen. When I was in seventh grade, my friend Dana, we were playing on the street, and she said, my mom thinks that you could be a comedian one day. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, it was so. I felt so, so seen because I felt like my comedy was a little bit a negative in my life because I was always getting in trouble for being funny. And I made things difficult for my teachers. But also, to give my teachers a lot of credit, they were very patient with me. They were very patient with me.

Rachel Martin (8:55)

But when that mom. What was the mom's name or the kid's name?

Tig Notaro (9:00)

My friend's name was Dana, and the mother's name was Mrs. White.

Rachel Martin (9:04)

Mrs. White. That's right.

Tig Notaro (9:05)

Yeah.

Rachel Martin (9:06)

Mrs. White. Yeah. But when Dana relayed this to you, that her mom thought that you really had something for you, was that. I mean, did you know what a comedian was?

Tig Notaro (9:17)

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just always felt like, you know, the bad kid that was always in trouble. And so to be seen by somebody in that way.

Rachel Martin (9:25)

Yeah.

Tig Notaro (9:26)

Was pretty incredible. Yeah.

Rachel Martin (9:29)

Okay, last one in this round. One, Two or three.

Tig Notaro (9:32)

I gotta go with three now.

Rachel Martin (9:34)

Let's do it. What's a place that shaped you just as much as any person did? Mm.

Tig Notaro (9:42)

I would have to say Mississippi. Growing up there, it's like all of those things that you take for granted and you don't realize that they shaped you. I remember not knowing that my family was full of characters. I had no clue until I grew up and moved away and brought girlfriends home with me to Mississippi to meet my family. My cousins and my friends would be like, they're like, out of a storybook. And I was like, what do you mean? And they were like, what do you mean? What do I mean? Like, listen to these people. And I remember I'd share stories of like, oh, yeah, my brother and I would water ski in the swamps, and they were like, with alligators. And I was like, well, yeah, but I didn't see them. There would be signs, you know, hammered to a tree that's in the middle of the swamp that said, watch out for alligators. But there was like a. I mean, it was Mississippi, but it was also Mississippi in the 70s. It's a lot of, like, you know, hopping in the back of a pickup truck and drinking a Barq's root beer out of a bottle while you're going over the railroad track and maybe you chip your tooth.

Rachel Martin (11:15)

I'm from Idaho. We did a lot of traveling in the backs of pickup trucks.

Tig Notaro (11:18)

Yeah, yeah.

Rachel Martin (11:19)

Very similar.

Tig Notaro (11:20)

You know, I love the feeling of a full house, of everyone just crashing on couches and sharing beds. And when Stephanie and I got married, we got married in my hometown. Like, she really loves Mississippi and my family and was like. She was just shocked by how much she responded. Cause when we first met, she was like, mississippi, wow. Okay. Like, she just thought everybody was poor with no shoes, sitting on front porches. And listen, there's plenty of that too. But that wasn't my family. So we decided to get married in Mississippi. And I had all of these just, like, bearded comedian guys crashing at my cousin's house, sleeping on couches and piled up in different rooms. And my cousin's wife going through the whole house with her thick accent, peeking into each room, saying, how many bears do you want? And people, what do you say? How many bears? How many bears do you want? She was walking bears. She had teddy bears. She was walking room to room, asking these bearded drunk comedians that were broke crashing all around her house, like, if they wanted a teddy bear to sleep with, and just asking as though it was like a typical, totally normal thing. Yeah, you're sleeping here.

Rachel Martin (12:58)

It's nighttime. You're going to bed.

Tig Notaro (12:59)

It's nighttime. So how many beas do you want? And she's walking around as if someone

Rachel Martin (13:04)

could say more than one, too. Yeah, I'd like four.

Tig Notaro (13:07)

She all of these bears in her arms and how many do you want? But like all of that, it's amazing characters. Yeah, Absolute characters.

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Rachel Martin (15:03)

We're gonna pull out of the game. We'll come back to it. But let's talk about your movie.

Tig Notaro (15:07)

All right.

Rachel Martin (15:07)

It's a beautiful thing. It's called Come See Me in the Good Light.

Tig Notaro (15:10)

Yes.

Rachel Martin (15:11)

Andrea Gibson is this phenomenal poet. They were the poet laureate in Colorado and they had personal relationships with you and several of the other people who were instrumental in making this happen, mainly

Tig Notaro (15:24)

me and Steph Willen. Steph Willen, Andrea and I all knew each other from, you know, I think Steph had met Andrea actually a couple of years before I met Andrea. And then Ryan White, the director, and his producing partner, Jessica Hargrave. We would run into each other at events and premieres and they were just like, if you ever have a film to pitch us, let us know. We'd love to make something funny. And. And it was wild. Cause I call him and I'm like, hey, I said, I have this idea that I wanted to bring to you, and I pitch it and they're like, okay, interesting. Non binary poet with stage four ovarian cancer. Doesn't sound terribly funny. But I was like, Andrea was truly one of the funniest people I knew. And. And as devastating as the movie can be at moments, it's also very funny in moments. Totally. And they actually, as we've been screening this film at the different festivals, Ryan and Jess say this is actually the funniest movie we've ever made. Yeah.

Rachel Martin (16:47)

What was Andrea's reaction to this idea, this proposition of following them through these. What ended up being some of their last months or year, and Megan, their partner.

Tig Notaro (17:02)

Yeah, Andrea and Meg were both very open to it. You know, one of the things that Andrea said was like, it's like a garden hose. If you bend it, you cut everything off. And that means, like, with your emotions, like, if you cut it all off, you're going to cut off all of the good and the bad. And so Andrea was all for letting it, letting it flow, whether it was no matter what it was, no matter what it was. And I always describe Andrea as somebody who felt that everything on this planet was so, so precious. And then also nothing was too precious. And you could have a deep, deep, inappropriate laugh with Andrea as much as you could just reach the deep, deep depth of human emotion. And I mean, Andrea's poetry, live performances, it was quite the rollercoaster because you could be in tears and then seconds later be laughing so hard. Andrea could have been a standup comedian for sure.

Rachel Martin (18:39)

For sure. What was it like to watch Andrea watch people watch the film at the premiere at Sundance? Because you did get that opportunity, I imagine I would have been watching Andrea the whole time to see what their reaction would be.

Tig Notaro (18:54)

Yeah, yeah. I kept checking in before the movie. Andrea was so, so nervous. Pacing, like, oh, God.

Rachel Martin (19:07)

Oh, gosh.

Tig Notaro (19:09)

Just. It's so vulnerable. You know, there was a documentary made about me a decade ago, and I remember that feeling of it's when you put anything out in the world, TV show or stand up special, podcast, whatever it is, it's like, God, like, what are people gonna think? But when it's that vulnerable, it's something. And I think being in that theater with. It was a sold out Sundance premiere. And I mean, within minutes you could feel the audience holding all of the devastation, all of the comedy, everything just they were in. And I remember, yeah, you could see Andrea settle in. And right after the movie, it was clear Andrea loved This movie. And Ryan always says Andrea and Meg are the only subjects that never asked, what story are we trying to tell? Or can I see the camera angle? Or can I see some of the footage? They trusted, and I think it's because they are artists themselves. They trusted the artists that were making this film and that confidence and trust paid off.

Rachel Martin (20:45)

And also, what a way to live. Isn't that a nice way to live? To just let go? Let go? Yeah. Well, congratulations again on making it.

Tig Notaro (20:55)

Yeah.

Rachel Martin (20:56)

It's a really beautiful, beautiful thing. Thank you. Let's play more of this game about you. Round two. This is Insights. The cards are blue. Three new cards. One, Two or three?

Tig Notaro (21:10)

Let's go three.

Rachel Martin (21:13)

Let's go there. What's an irrational fear you can't shake?

Tig Notaro (21:19)

And irrational fear I can't shake. I can't say that I can't shake it. I've slowly been shaking it and it's. I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

Rachel Martin (21:31)

Are you?

Tig Notaro (21:32)

I am. And I remember before I had kids, I mean, I've always loved children. I used to work with children, but when I would see babies crawl around on the floor, and I always wanted children, but I was like, I would see other people's babies crawling around, dragging their onesie and feet and face everything along the floor, hand in their mouth. Yes. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, my gosh. How does a parent pick up their child after they've been dragging their body and just snuggle in and give kisses. I was like, ugh, gosh. And then as soon as. That's why parents are sick all the time, Truly. But as soon as I had my kids, it's like, it did not even cross my mind. They could have been rolling around with like a dead animal, like as dogs do, and I'd just be like, yeah, yep, there's my kid. And that's how they smell. But I think where I got it was as a comedian and going on tour a lot of the lower level comedy clubs that you kind of. I mean, not everyone. Some people have the luxury of just launching into all the A list clubs. I was doing some grungy C list clubs that are in shopping centers and, you know, strip malls and maybe they

Rachel Martin (23:16)

don't have super clean bathrooms.

Tig Notaro (23:18)

Well, not just that they don't put you up at a hotel. They put you in the quote unquote comedy condo, which is a gross place. And I know that my germ issues developed in these grimy places that the majority of comedians coming through were the bearded Drunk comics that were crashing, sleeping on your couch. Yeah. So that's where my issues were born.

Rachel Martin (23:47)

Honestly, I think that sounds pretty rational. Okay, another one. One, two or three?

Tig Notaro (23:53)

I'm gonna go one.

Rachel Martin (23:58)

What do you find most difficult to model for children in your life?

Tig Notaro (24:03)

Hmm. What do I find most difficult to model for children in my life? I am going to flip it to you. Is that. Ah, yeah, sure.

Rachel Martin (24:16)

Yeah, you can flip that. I just always come back to the fact that I'm an incredibly impatient person. Like a very impatient person. And it is my blind spot. And it is also the thing I have a hard time modeling for my kids is how to just move through life accepting things that you can't control. And that could be traffic. That could be the pace at which your father moves out of the house. That's a big one. Because their father, I love you so much, is constitutionally a slow moving human. And I want to be everywhere early because who knows what could happen between point A and point B that could derail us? And we would be late and that would be rude. And so I need to be in the car with an appropriate amount of buffer time. And Luke will just wait. Oh, now he needs a cup of coffee for the road. But you need to warm the coffee holder with hot water first before you put it in. Oh, he might need to go to the bathroom. He hadn't thought about that. So we're gonna do that. But he might. He has a bald head. Maybe he needs a different kind of hat to go out. And so it's really. And then that becomes bad because I can't talk badly about their father in front of them. So I'm impatient, sitting in the car waiting for him. And also I want to say negative things about. But I can't do that. So those are two things. I have a hard time modeling for my kids.

Tig Notaro (25:56)

Oh, you and Stephanie would get along just fine.

Rachel Martin (26:01)

Is she an early bird?

Tig Notaro (26:02)

Oh my gosh, is she an early bird? She is. Yes, she is. And our son Finn. Stephanie was filming a movie in London for almost two months. And my kids call me Mayor. And I was in bed at 6:45, something like that. And Stephanie had already been gone for two weeks. We had already been getting to school. We'd been doing. Everything was moving along just fine. But one morning he came in and he was like, mayor, I'm making breakfast for myself. Max hasn't eaten yet, and we have to be out the door by 7:40. And I was like, Finn, I know. He's like, okay. I was Just letting you know. And, like, another day, he was like, mayor, today's swim at school. So we have to make sure our swimsuits and our towels are in the. And I'm like, I know. But, yeah, I show up for my standup shows. I walk in the back door maybe two minutes before showtime.

Rachel Martin (27:16)

Oh, God.

Tig Notaro (27:17)

And so my assistant is in touch with the venue, letting them know my eta. And, you know, and so I walk in the back door, I walk on stage, I do my show, and I walk out the back door.

Rachel Martin (27:32)

Efficiency.

Tig Notaro (27:33)

Efficiency. Yeah.

Rachel Martin (27:34)

You don't wanna waste time.

Tig Notaro (27:35)

Honestly, I think it was from when I was so sick in 2012 and I had cancer. I had intestinal disease. I had all sorts of stuff going on. And I remember after that, sitting in green rooms at comedy clubs thinking, I don't need to be here before the show this long. I'm adding up how much time of my life is sitting in a green room.

Rachel Martin (28:01)

You're like, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Tig Notaro (28:03)

Exactly.

Rachel Martin (28:04)

Yeah. I love that. Okay. But, yeah, you have to answer this now.

Tig Notaro (28:08)

Okay. So as far as modeling, I just actually. When Stephanie was filming in London, I told her, I said, you know, the other day, I. And our kids are. Nobody in our family is perfect, but I would say our kids are really. They're really good. Like, they listen to us, they're really sweet, they have their moments, they have their glitches, but we can't really complain about these two guys, you know, and when they have a little moment that I'll. I noticed a tone in my voice. I don't like where I'm like, what do you. Why would you do that kind of thing? Like, what are you doing? Why would. And of course, I'm human and things can be irritating and frustrating. But I was saying to Stephanie, I said, I just feel like we should probably just be really even more aware of how we all talk to each other, how we talk to our kids. And she said, absolutely. You're right. But again, I don't want to paint a picture like we're talking terribly to them or not to bring it to a totally dark place, but our friends lost their son when he was a little boy. And she. I remember said, you know, I hear parents talking about how frustrated they get when their kids get up in the middle of the night and want to get in bed or they, you know, wake them up or, you know. And she said, I would give anything in the world for Georgie to wake me up in the night and want to get in bed with Me. And that stuck with me so deeply, and it puts things into perspective when I can feel myself not being connected or present with something. And that's one of those moments where I'm like, man, man, if anything ever happened, I'd give anything for my kid to be arguing with his brother or forgetting his homework or I would give anything to have a problem like that. And so that was a moment that I thought, I need to, like, really think about how I'm responding to things in my life.

Commercial Announcer (30:50)

Yeah.

Rachel Martin (30:52)

Okay. I'm so sorry about your friend. How long ago was that, that she lost her friend?

Tig Notaro (30:58)

That was three years ago, I believe. And, yeah, he was. I believe he was nine at the time, and he was a twin. He has a sister. But, yeah, man, that's awful. It really puts things into perspective. And out of also respect and memory and love for their family, I want to do the right thing.

Rachel Martin (31:34)

Yep. I will remember that for a long time.

Tig Notaro (31:37)

Yes.

Rachel Martin (31:39)

Okay, last one in this round. One, two or three?

Tig Notaro (31:42)

I'm going to do two.

Rachel Martin (31:44)

When do you feel most like an outsider?

Tig Notaro (31:50)

I feel most like an outsider. I mean, this is so Hollywood of me, but on a red carpet, I'm just like, get me out of here. And I feel like a terrible person every time I'm at a red carpet. I'm like, I should have a pose. I should talk to somebody and figure out what I'm supposed to do.

Rachel Martin (32:17)

Like Steve Jobs outfit. Like, just one thing that you do every time, right?

Tig Notaro (32:21)

Oh, trust me, I have the outfit one time for everything. In fact, I had three red carpets this week that I had to go to.

Rachel Martin (32:28)

And.

Tig Notaro (32:29)

And Jess, the producer of the documentary, she was like. She said, so, do you, like. Do you get it cleaned between. And I was like, oh, no, no, no. I was like, no, this outfit got. This suit got cleaned beginning of the week. And then I'm just. Yeah, I'm just.

Rachel Martin (32:47)

You're just in it.

Tig Notaro (32:48)

I'm in it. I'm sleeping in it. And I'm getting in another. Like, even last night, Jess was laughing at me because I got. She was in the car service that pulled up to get me. We were going to the governor's, which is like if your project is in the conversation for the Oscars. But I got in the car in my recycled suit saying, now, where are we going? What is this? And she was like, oh, my God. You don't know what you're. You just get in the car with me.

Rachel Martin (33:19)

Just put the suit on. Get in the car.

Tig Notaro (33:22)

Yeah, I told that to Stephanie as We were falling asleep last night. And she goes, that's how you get into every car. You don't know where you're going. She was like. She just. Stephanie's just like, guys, we're leaving in five minutes. I'm like, okay. And I get in the car. Where are we? What is happening?

Rachel Martin (33:39)

We're in.

Tig Notaro (33:40)

She's like, don't. We're going to baseball practice. But. But. Yeah. So I'm. I'm out of my. I'm out of my element.

Rachel Martin (33:55)

Foreign.

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Rachel Martin (35:54)

We're at the last round. Okay, this is the beliefs round. 1, 2 or 3?

Tig Notaro (36:02)

Let's do 1.

Rachel Martin (36:04)

1. What's the most religious thing about you?

Tig Notaro (36:12)

The most religious thing about me? I don't even know how to answer this.

Rachel Martin (36:23)

You can skip it.

Tig Notaro (36:24)

Oh, great. Let's do that.

Rachel Martin (36:28)

Skip it. Okay.

Tig Notaro (36:32)

Sorry.

Rachel Martin (36:32)

You don't escape the topic. It's more specific.

Tig Notaro (36:35)

Okay.

Rachel Martin (36:36)

Have your Feelings about God changed over time.

Tig Notaro (36:42)

You know, I am not a religious person. I was raised Catholic, but I was not raised in a house where nobody ever talked about religion. But honestly, after Andrea died, I've had a very. I had the honor of being with Andrea in Andrea's final days, and it was quite an experience. I still feel like I'm on mushrooms or something with what I experienced, what I witnessed. And after Andrea died, I was so full of so much, and I was experiencing these, what would be called signs that I never really experienced before. And I found myself open to not knowing what those signs and experiences are. And I guess it's the closest I felt to anything remotely religious or spiritual. Yeah. And I'm just allowing myself to be in it.

Rachel Martin (38:15)

Did you see the same sign over and over that represented something to you, or you saw things that reminded you of Andrea that you couldn't dismiss as coincidence?

Tig Notaro (38:25)

Yeah, I think it was more that I couldn't dismiss as coincidence. And Steph Willen, who is. Who pitched the idea to me, Steph is very similar to me in the way we view the world and respond to any kind of spiritual or religious event or idea. And it's really putting us both to the test. And we have these kind of funny, awkward conversations where Stephen made me laugh so hard. She was like. She said, tig, I was outside, and this hummingbird came over, and I was, like, looking at it and would fly away and then fly closer and kind of hover around. And Steph said, and I swear, Tig, I was sitting there by myself, and I just went, andrea, like, to the bird, you know, she was like. You know, she said, but I was just sitting there by myself and was just. Andrea, is that, you know, like, just. Come on. Is that. And that is not anything in a million years that you would.

Rachel Martin (39:39)

That's not her thing. Yeah.

Tig Notaro (39:41)

No way in hell.

Rachel Martin (39:42)

She's not that.

Tig Notaro (39:43)

No. But she's open and she's. You know. But it made me.

Rachel Martin (39:49)

Losing a person does that to you, I think, and I have experience. You feel them in a different way. And it is hard to dismiss it when you're open to it and it happens to you, and you're like, I just. Every ounce of my rational self wants to dismiss this, and it just feels like I can't because it's too profound.

Tig Notaro (40:09)

And I also kind of don't even feel like Andrea is gone. It's that the depths of the experiences we've all been feeling is like. I mean, I know Andrea. Meg calls it Andrea's Alleged passing. So that's where we're all kind of.

Rachel Martin (40:36)

But doesn't that make sense? I didn't know Andrea, but I knew Andrea's work. And if anyone had that capacity to linger around, wouldn't it have been them? Thank you for sharing that.

Tig Notaro (40:54)

Yeah.

Rachel Martin (40:55)

When my mom died, my mom always loved. I just called to say I Love youe by Stevie Wonder. And so that was my thing. I mean, yes, radio stations play it. It's a song that is played. It's not, like, so exceptional. Yeah, it's not some deep cut, but it would come on in, like, the weirdest places. Like, for the first few weeks that she died, it would be like elevators, the radio, like, in a restaurant bathroom

Tig Notaro (41:22)

in a grocery store.

Rachel Martin (41:23)

And I was like, okay, I get you just called to say you love me. I get it.

Tig Notaro (41:29)

Well, I had.

Rachel Martin (41:31)

Point taken.

Tig Notaro (41:32)

I had a very crazy experience. Meg had come out to LA for a screening and stayed with me. And Steph was there, and we were talking about this project we're all gonna work on that is Andrea related that we're very excited about. But so we spent this, like, okay, this is the idea and just ruminating. Let's not make any quick moves. Let's just really think about this and see if it feels right. And then Meg leaves. And then I go to London with my sons to visit Stephanie. And the first day we woke up, and if you remember, in the documentary, Meg and Andrea's song was yous're still the One by Shania Twain. And I land in London with Max and Finn, our sons. I take them into the village of the little area where we were, where our hotel was. And this is our first day. And we walk into the town, very tiny little village. There is a man standing alone, singing at the top of his lungs, you're still the One by Shania Twain. And it just stopped me in my tracks. I was like, oh, my God. I said, max and Finn, I said, this is Andrea and Meg's song. And I got my phone out and just got this footage of the back of my son's. Their little heads watching and, like, really taking in. They're like, whoa. Wow. And they. They just quietly watched as this man sang it so beautifully. And then the very next day, Stephanie's mother had come in town, and we were meeting her and Stephanie for high tea, of course, because we were in England, as you do. This woman comes in to the cafe and plops down this gigantic harp. And we're all, like, laughing, like, oh, boy, here goes our high tea. And

Rachel Martin (43:48)

no.

Tig Notaro (43:49)

Yes, just stop. Yes. The first song.

Rachel Martin (43:53)

You're still the one on the harp.

Tig Notaro (43:54)

On the harp. And I got my phone out and I film it and I turn to Max and Finn and I said, do you know what this is? And they were stunned, these two little nine year olds. They said, that's Megan and Andrea's song. And I said, okay, so I'm not losing my mind.

Rachel Martin (44:16)

Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. You're the witness to happening.

Tig Notaro (44:19)

I have both examples on video. And I sent it to Meg the first day I sent her the man singing alone. And she said, I am weeping. I'm weeping. And then the next day I said, meg, I don't even know what to do. I was like, this woman plops a harp down and plays this. And she was just, she said, well, I'm gonna take this. As Andrea followed your family to London and is giving the okay for us to move forward with our idea and plan. And I was like, I'll take it. Yeah. It was unbelievable.

Rachel Martin (45:01)

Yeah. That. Yeah, she's talking to you. Okay. One, two, three. Still in beliefs

Tig Notaro (45:14)

two.

Rachel Martin (45:18)

What does it mean to live a good life?

Tig Notaro (45:22)

Well, one of my favorite things, one of the sayings that I heard that I was like, man, I love that

Rachel Martin (45:33)

is

Tig Notaro (45:36)

the best gift a parent can give a child is a well lived life of their own. And I just thought, gosh, that is so true. Like when, when your parents are healthy, free, living their lives, independent, just thriving as a kid like you. But when I read that quote, I just kind of loosened it up and was like, the best gift you can give anyone is a well lived life of your own. And it just goes in every direction and it's the perfect equation and to freedom and joy. And that's the most joy I can hope for, is when people are living a great life, it makes my life all the better. The people that I love, I love that answer.

Rachel Martin (46:36)

Basically said the best life you could live. Your ingredients for a good life are when the people you love are good, are living their best life.

Tig Notaro (46:50)

Yeah. You don't feel or a version of it when people aren't living a good life. And I mean, I guess somebody could say, oh, that's codependent of you. I don't see it as that. I see it as, you know, you can't ignore the fact that you get weighed down when those that you love are suffering or struggling or they're stuck in some way in life. And I've been stuck, my brother's been stuck, our parents were stuck in their different ways. And I try so hard to eliminate stress, to be as healthy as I can be, to pursue what makes me happy, because I know that's gonna make my kids ultimately happy in their life if they don't have to worry about me. And that brings me joy. Like, I just don't wanna weigh them down and. Yeah. So I think about that a lot.

Rachel Martin (48:00)

That's a good one. It's our last one.

Tig Notaro (48:05)

Three.

Rachel Martin (48:06)

One, two, or three? Three. What's a detail you'd like in your obit?

Tig Notaro (48:20)

I always think it's so funny when people die. And. Well, I'm not going to end the sentence there. I mean, you did pitch the movie

Rachel Martin (48:32)

as, like, a funny movie.

Tig Notaro (48:34)

Yes, I. But it always makes me laugh when people say she had her sense of humor to the end. And I always thought it would be so funny to put in my obituary that I lost my sense of humor in the end. And unfortunately, she did lose her sense of humor in the end.

Rachel Martin (49:00)

Right.

Tig Notaro (49:01)

And I have to say, like, to go back to Andrea, one of my. And Andrea was, as I said, one of the funniest people I knew and was also one of the best people to laugh with. I mean, really got it. And one of my favorite things about Andrea was the lines on their face. Like, when they smiled, like, it lifted. Like, just these incredible lines. But at the end of Andrea's life, God, I was so full of emotion, and I wanted to be close to Andrea. And I pictured my. I talked to my therapist about, like, gosh, you know, I just want to crawl in bed with Andrea when I get to their house, and I just want to be close to them. And when I got there and I crawled in bed to be right next to Andrea, Andrea turned so weak. I mean, this is like, three days before the end, Andrea turned and pointed to this very mysterious stain on the sheets and said, I don't know what this is, but we'll just blame it on Meg. Okay. Like, to crawl into bed with all of the heavy emotions and then have my friend turn and say something that just hit me from behind so hard, I laughed so deeply. Just like, oh, my. Talk about somebody not losing their sense of humor in the end. But, yeah, I think I'd like that to be. I would love for somebody to say, I lost my sense of humor. And then.

Rachel Martin (51:26)

We end the show the same way every time with a trip in our memory time machine. You go back in time to one moment from your past. It's not a moment you would change anything about. It's just a moment you'd like to linger in a little longer. Longer. Which moment do you choose?

Tig Notaro (51:51)

Oh, I think I would like to linger in my. I'd like to linger on my wedding day.

Rachel Martin (52:07)

Yeah.

Tig Notaro (52:07)

Yeah. We did our wedding exactly how we wanted to do it and our parents, siblings, friends, everybody was on board. It was already a non traditional wedding and we got married in small town Mississippi and our friends flew in from the east coast and west coast not just to support us, but also we heard so many times like I was not going to miss a gay wedding in the deep south, like, how's that going to go? And it was just so beautiful and it was so celebratory and so joyful and if I can say one specific moment from that day that was so special. My stepfather, who has since passed away when my mother died, everything really fell on him as a parent. You know, obviously I was grown. My brother and I were grown, but he was a very removed, stoic person and we weren't very close. He was basically my father since I was 2 and, but just didn't understand my artistic ways, my failure dropout path, any of that. But he was never, he was always loving and accepting of me being gay and my girlfriends and whatever, but he had a, everything had to be a particular way. And you tuck your shirt in and you act this way, you say this, you do this. And on my wedding day, it was such a sweet moment. I was in a suit and a button down shirt, but I wasn't wearing a tie. And in his mind, you have a suit on, you should have a tie on. And he said, tig, would you like to wear my tie? Because in his mind that was the appropriate way to be dressed. And I said, oh, Rick, I'm not really a tie person. He said, okay. He said, well, I just wanted to offer my tie to you in case you wanted one. And it was him. Even though he slightly missed the mark of what my fashion sense was, it

Rachel Martin (54:53)

was a lovely gesture.

Tig Notaro (54:54)

It was such a, an amazing gesture because it wasn't him thinking like, it wasn't anything of like you're not.

Rachel Martin (55:02)

He wasn't trying to fix you?

Tig Notaro (55:03)

No, no, not in any way at all. You know. And he picked up the slack of it was he went cake shopping and tasting with Stephanie's mother and sister and me and my brother. They all like. My brother and stepfather showed up in such a, like planning the wedding with Stephanie's mother. And it was just really beautiful. I would hang out. It's more than a moment. It was that whole thing.

Rachel Martin (55:36)

Did I see that you guys celebrated an anniversary recently?

Tig Notaro (55:40)

Yeah, we're going on 13 years together, but we just celebrated 10 years married. And congratulations. Yeah, thank you. I'm very, very lucky.

Rachel Martin (56:03)

Tig Notaro. She produced the new film, the documentary about the poet Andrea Gibson. It is called Come See Me in the Good Light and you can see it now on Apple tv. Thank you so much, Tig. It was really great to talk with you.

Tig Notaro (56:16)

Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Rachel Martin (56:29)

If you like this episode, check out my conversation with Mike Birbiglia. Like Tig, Mike uses comedy to process and find lightness in some of life's toughest challenges, from parenthood to grief. You can watch that conversation with Mike along with this episode with Tig Notaro or any of our recent conversations on our YouTube channel. Just search for prwildcard. Today's episode was produced by Summer Tomad and edited by Dave Blanchard. It was mastered by Patrick Murray and Robert Rodriguez. Wildcard's executive producer is Yolanda Sangweni and our theme music is by Ramtin Arablouei. You can reach out to us@wildcardpr.org we're going to shuffle the deck and be back with more next week. Talk to you there.

Tig Notaro (57:11)

Them

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