With The Perrys — "Best of WTP: Conflict, Confrontation, and Arguing Well"

Release Date: March 3, 2025
Hosts: Preston Perry and Jackie Hill Perry

Episode Overview

In this "Best Of" edition, Preston and Jackie Hill Perry revisit their most impactful conversation from the podcast’s first season: How to handle conflict, confrontation, and arguments well, especially in marriage. Now five years wiser, they dig deeper into how their upbringings, personalities, and spiritual growth have shaped the way they argue and reconcile. Through humorous, honest discussions and practical examples, the Perrys offer a blueprint for handling marital discord—honoring God, each other, and the pursuit of true unity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family of Origin Shapes Conflict Styles

[04:33 - 13:08]

• Preston: Raised in a household where conflict was met with impatience or quick tempers, often leading to "one chance" forgiveness before cutting people off or escalating to fights.
  • "If you had an issue, you coming in somebody room, like, I got immediately." — Preston [11:31]
• Jackie: Grew up in a home where confrontation was avoided. Issues were not discussed but instead lingered under the surface.
  • "How I learned to confront issues is not to confront issues." — Jackie [10:37]
• The couple’s contrasting backgrounds created communication storms early in marriage: Preston’s urgency clashed with Jackie’s need for internal processing and space.

2. Learning Christlike Patience and Reconciliation

[07:25 - 10:12]

• Preston: Struggled to move from mere tolerance (as he experienced growing up) to genuine patience learned through Christ.
  • "I want to love them well, and I want to be patient with them. And so when we have disagreements or arguments, it's kind of like, how can I doubt myself in a way that would display Christlike love and patience?" — Preston [09:04]
• Jackie: Acknowledged that both tolerating and shutting down (her default) weren’t healthy responses and could amount to passive forms of vengeance.
  • "Withholding yourself from somebody that you're called to love is also a...form of punishment." — Jackie [16:46]

3. The Role of Timing and Motive in Confrontation

[13:09 - 16:34]

• Rushing to resolve conflict may be driven by self-interest rather than unity.
  • "You often wanted to have a conversation quick to...resolve the tension in your own heart...It's actually not about unity." — Jackie [15:09]
  • Preston admits, "If I'm peaceful, we're peaceful...That's actually arrogant." [15:55]
• Patient, prayerful waiting can prevent speaking out of raw emotion.

4. Vulnerability, Security, and Safe Spaces

[17:49 - 19:06]

• Jackie explains that the more secure she feels in Preston’s enduring commitment, the easier it is for her to open up and engage in difficult conversations.
• Preston underscores his growth: not just resolving issues quickly, but leading by creating a home where confrontation feels safe, not threatening.

5. Practical Steps for Processing and Presenting Anger

[20:03 - 23:34]

• Preston: No one "makes you" angry—they only draw out what’s already in you. The answer is honest self-examination before God and not engaging in conflict until you’ve done so.
  • "Nobody makes you do anything. They just bring what's in you all out...if you don't get before the Lord and give things to him, it's about giving things to him." — Preston [20:03]
• Jackie: It's okay to let someone see your hurt; genuine emotion is not manipulation. "Be angry but sin not"—expressing pain with humility, not weaponized words.

6. Gender Dynamics in Biblical Confrontation

[23:44 - 29:47]

• Ephesians 5: Both recognize the biblical call—husbands are to love sacrificially; wives to submit respectfully.
• Preston emphasizes modeling Christ’s love, even in the face of rejection. Jackie challenges women to examine their hearts: is disrespect about his action, or one's own heart posture?
  • "Love is supernatural. Disrespect is natural." — Jackie [31:19]
  • "If you want humility, display humility. If you want more love, display more love." — Preston [29:47]

7. How Sharp Words and Disrespect Damage Marriages

[31:55 - 39:46]

• Both discuss how repeated verbal jabs, especially from wives to husbands, can break trust and respect—sometimes irreparably.
• Preston: Even "small" disrespect can make a husband emotionally withdraw, no longer viewing his wife as a safe space.
  • "All those little jabs...can be making your husband lose respect for you in a way that you probably don't even realize." — Preston [37:32]

8. Confession as a Key to Intimacy

[40:00 - 41:59]

• Quick, humble confession can close the gap the enemy tries to create in a marriage after hurtful words or actions.
  • "Quick confession...immediately tears down the lies that the enemy can tell them." — Preston [41:16]

9. Normalizing Healthy Arguments & Preemptive Conversations

[42:09 - 45:57]

• Disagreement is a function of healthy relationships; avoiding conflict can breed deeper problems.
  • "If a couple is saying that they don't argue...that's a signal that both of y'all are passive." — Jackie [42:36]
• They encourage "precipitous" (preemptive) conversations to prevent miscommunication from festering.

10. Scriptural Foundations for Conflict Resolution

[46:45 - 49:34]

• Citing James 4 and Colossians 3, Jackie underscores that much of our quarreling is rooted in unmet desires and passions. Both urge listeners to talk honestly instead of assuming or letting issues stew.
  • "Much of our frustrations...is deeply rooted in assumptions...Let me not respond to you by what I think you mean. Let me talk to you to get an understanding." — Preston [47:59]
• The episode ends with a call to humility, kindness, and dependence on God—the only real safe place from which to love and argue well.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the impact of upbringing:
  "If you don't have, like, patience displayed to you on an everyday basis, sometimes tolerance seems like the best form of love." — Preston [09:04]

• Verbal withdrawal as silent vengeance:
  "Withholding yourself from somebody that you're called to love is also a...form of punishment." — Jackie [16:46]

• On 'rushing conflict' for self-comfort:
  "You often wanted to have a conversation quick to...resolve the tension in your own heart...It's actually not about unity." — Jackie [15:09]

• The difference between expressing hurt and manipulating:
  "Some people could think...I have to be happy or joyful...to engage in confrontation, but I actually don't think that's true. People need to see that they hurt you. Not manipulation, but your humanity." — Jackie [22:15]

• Challenging cultural assumptions about men:
  "It's the culture and it's men, it's everybody. We have this assessment of men that they are stronger than what they really are. That's not to say you aren't strong, but it also isn't to say that you aren't tender." — Jackie [36:37]

• On the necessity of quick confession:
  "Quick confession...immediately tears down the lies that the enemy can tell them." — Preston [41:16]

• Healthy debate vs. avoidance:
  "If a couple is saying that, they don't argue...that's a signal that both of y'all are passive." — Jackie [42:36]

• Why marriages shouldn't pretend to be perfect:
  "I hate when marriages or spouses act like they have no problems...that's not even realistic." — Preston [43:45]

• Preston’s humorous "breath" metaphor:
  "Cause one of y’all breath stink, and everybody smell it...but because y'all scared of conflict, y'all won't tell each other the truth." — Preston [42:52]

• Final encouragement:
  "If the Lord is our strong tower...if I'm secure in the Lord, that actually frees me to love you without fear." — Jackie [50:44]

Timestamps to Key Segments

• Opening & Upbringing Discussion: [00:00 – 13:08]
• Learning Christian Patience: [07:25 – 10:12]
• Conflict Styles Meet in Marriage: [10:13 – 13:08]
• Patience and Timing in Arguments: [13:09 – 16:34]
• Vulnerability & Security: [17:49 – 19:06]
• Processing Anger Before God: [20:03 – 23:34]
• Gender Roles in Conflict: [23:44 – 29:47]
• Respect and the Power of Words: [31:55 – 39:46]
• Confession Restores Unity: [40:00 – 41:59]
• Why Healthy Arguments Matter: [42:09 – 45:57]
• Scripture on Quarreling & Resolution: [46:45 – 49:34]

Conclusion

The Perrys’ conversation—raw, playful, and deeply spiritual—offers a mature, grace-filled vision for argument and reconciliation in relationships. By examining their own weaknesses through the lens of Scripture, experience, and the gospel, they model how humility, intentional communication, and quick repentance turn conflict into an opportunity for growth and deeper love.

If you’re seeking practical wisdom and kind encouragement for your own relationships—especially marriage—this episode is a treasure trove of insight, authenticity, and hope.