Podcast: With The Perrys
Episode: Best of WTP – What We Wish We Knew About Sex
Hosts: Jackie Hill Perry & Preston Perry
Release Date: July 22, 2024
Overview
In this deeply candid and often humorous episode, Jackie Hill Perry and Preston Perry reflect on the narratives surrounding sex, particularly within Christian marriage. They unpack assumptions and expectations shaped by purity culture, the realities and work of intimacy, the role of trauma, and the necessity for honest conversation between spouses. The Perrys challenge commonly held beliefs and encourage couples to embrace patience, humility, and growth as central to sexual flourishing in marriage.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Starting With the Beauty of Sex
Discussion on cultural and church narratives around sex
-
The pair note that conversations in the church often start with the negative—warning about misuse—rather than God’s original intent and beauty for sex.
-
Quote:
"I think we always are starting with Romans 1 instead of Genesis 1 and 2...not giving as much energy to God's...what is Genesis? Like, he knew his wife. Like, what does that mean?"
—Jackie [01:03] -
They argue for a gospel-anchored approach, stressing sex is created by God “for His glory” and is inherently good before the fall.
- Quote:
"Sex was originally created for God's glory. For us to be fruitful and to multiply. And so if we start there, people will know the purpose of sex."
—Preston [01:52]
- Quote:
2. Real-Life Marriage: Expectation vs. Reality
Lighthearted but real talk about everyday married life, which segues into deeper issues
- Preston jokes about adapting to Jackie's sleeping habits, showing that marriage brings unexpected adjustments beyond the spiritual or sexual.
- [03:03]
3. Unhealthy Expectations & Purity Culture
Dissecting the harmful promises and pressure of purity culture
-
Jackie clearly defines purity culture and critiques its “prosperity gospel” logic:
"If you are pure, then your marriage is going to be good and your sex life is going to be good out because you obey God all these years, and that's just not a thing."
—Jackie [08:52] -
Preston explains his disappointment when his post-marriage sex life didn’t match these expectations.
"I had this idea...God is going to honor me because I honored him with my body. And so he's going to let me...have this wild and crazy sex life off jump...But no."
—Preston [11:02]
4. The Real Work of Intimacy: Growth Over Time
Sex as a process of knowing, not an instant reward
-
Jackie emphasizes how true intimacy takes time and effort:
"Even if we're together 40, 50, 60 years, you will always be changing and maturing...I'm actually going to have to change in a way."
—Jackie [14:01] -
Preston reinforces the idea that sex in marriage is learned and evolves, requiring both partners to grow together.
"The sex life that you want in year one, you probably want to have in year eight or year nine. Because I've had the opportunity to learn what this person wants."
—Preston [14:44]
5. Addressing Trauma Within Marriage
Humble support for partners with a history of sexual trauma
-
Both acknowledge that trauma is prevalent—Jackie cites “one in four women” have been sexually abused.
- [15:51]
-
Preston shares what it means to create safety:
"I have to really search for a lot of humility. I have to really search for a lot of patience...It's not always about what I want, when I want it."
—Preston [16:41] -
Jackie highlights the importance of autonomy for survivors:
"When someone is sexually abused, the fundamental thing that was taken...is their rights...when you get into a marriage where a man feels like he has dominion over your body...it makes whatever trauma you have worse."
—Jackie [18:19] -
The need for the freedom to say no “without consequence” is emphasized as critical for trust and healing.
- [19:09]
6. Why Working for Intimacy Matters
Sanctification comes through challenges, not picking your trials
-
Preston offers encouragement that God uses the hardest things (including sexual challenges) as a means of sanctifying us:
"Most of the beautiful things that we experience in this world comes with work."
—Preston [22:05] -
They reassure listeners: intimacy in marriage improves with time and vulnerability.
"In year three, it was tough...In year eight, it's way better."
—Preston [22:23]
7. Common Female Sexual Expectations & Disappointments
Discussing the other side of unfulfilled assumptions
-
Jackie points out many women assume they’ll enjoy sex consistently, only to discover how often they are not pleased or comfortable expressing dissatisfaction:
"Statistically, only 65% of women climax. So...there are a lot of women who had the expectation that they would have consistency in being pleased, and they're not. And they're fearful of sharing it..."
—Jackie [23:51] -
They discuss the problem of faking pleasure to avoid hurting egos and the need for honest communication:
"Some of it is I have to fake it so you can stop...That's how you know it's bad because he doesn't even...read your body language."
—Jackie [25:24]
8. Communication and Humility are Key
How to actually talk about bad sex
-
Jackie suggests making feedback a “we” conversation, not just criticism.
"Share it respectfully and make it a we conversation. Instead of it being you are bad...say, how can we work together to make sure that we are both pleased?"
—Jackie [28:33] -
Preston notes this requires “rubbing the ego” rather than bruising it.
- [29:02]
9. The Church Should Lead the Conversation
Calling for more honesty in Christian communities
-
Both express frustration with how the world dominates the sex conversation, when Christians serve "the God that created sex."
- [29:46]
-
They stress that real, God-intended sex is about growth, work, and deep mutual knowing—not instant pleasure or performance.
"We need to start having real conversations in churches...you probably think, bro, you...better than what you...think you are."
—Preston [25:52]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On purity culture’s false promises:
"Purity culture is...kind of a version of a prosperity gospel...that's just not a thing."
—Jackie [08:52] -
On sex as sanctification:
"We as Christians...say we want to be sanctified...but a lot of times, God uses the things that we want the most to be hard to help sanctify us."
—Preston [21:18] -
On the hope of growth over time:
"As time goes on, it gets better, I promise."
—Preston [31:14] -
On faking pleasure:
"I have to fake it so you can stop...so you can get up off me."
—Jackie [25:24] -
Humor:
"We gonna be 72. Barely making it, getting it in, but doing it anyway, right? Knocking each other hips out of place."
—Jackie & Preston [31:14]
Important Timestamps
- Starting With Beauty, Not Brokenness: [00:35]–[01:52]
- Defining & Debunking Purity Culture: [07:50]–[08:52]
- Sex as a Lifelong Process of Learning: [12:37]–[14:44]
- Addressing Trauma & Creating Safety: [15:51]–[19:20]
- Why Intimacy Takes Work: [21:12]–[22:23]
- Women’s Disappointment & Communication Hurdles: [23:36]–[25:24]
- The Church's Role in Honest Sex Conversations: [29:46]–[31:14]
Summary
Jackie and Preston Perry deliver a frank, compassionate, and biblically grounded look at why Christian expectations about sex are often misaligned with reality. They advocate for starting with God’s purpose and beauty for sex, acknowledging the harm of purity culture, normalizing the challenges sex can bring (especially after trauma), and encouraging lifelong communication and humility. Their take-away: intimacy is a journey, not an instant reward, and it flourishes best when both partners are willing to learn, change, and love sacrificially.