Podcast Summary

Podcast: Women & ADHD
Host: Katy Weber
Guest: Laura Kerbey (Educator, Consultant, Author)
Episode: Laura Kerbey: The Hidden Costs of Masking
Date: October 6, 2025

Overview

This episode features educator and author Laura Kerbey, who discusses her late diagnosis of ADHD and self-identified autism, as well as the complex factors affecting undiagnosed neurodivergent women. The conversation explores the emotional and physical costs of masking neurodivergence, the strengths and challenges that come with ADHD, and the importance of unmasking and self-advocacy in adulthood. Laura shares insights from her lived experience and professional work, offering strategies for reframing ADHD as a difference—not a deficit.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Laura’s Diagnosis Journey & Background

• Personal and Professional Context: Laura was deeply immersed in neurodiversity as a specialist educator for 25 years before her own ADHD diagnosis in her 40s.
• Diagnosis Catalyst: Her son’s ADHD diagnosis prompted self-reflection, but the real shift came during COVID, as she networked online with neurodivergent women (05:59).
• Looking Back with a New Lens: Laura relates how her affinity with neurodivergent students was a mirror of her own mind, recognizing now how this shaped her career choices and comfort level in such environments (07:00-08:53).

"Literally the moment I walked into the classroom and started working with teenagers that were neurodivergent, I just felt so comfortable with them, and they clearly felt really comfortable with me."
—Laura Kerbey (07:41)

2. Why Are So Many Women Overlooked or Misdiagnosed?

• Gendered Presentation & Masking:
  • Teachers and families often miss ADHD in girls since traits are less likely to match classic (male-centered) diagnostic criteria (30:05; 32:20).
  • Masking—consciously or unconsciously hiding traits—leads to misdiagnosis or late diagnosis, and exhaustion.
• Cultural/Societal Expectations:
  • Women and girls internalize being “good” (quiet, organized, compliant), which often directly conflicts with their neurotype, making authentic behavior feel “wrong” (20:37; 33:20).

"Being your natural authentic self means that you're not a good child. So you grow up thinking that…just being your authentic self [means] you're not good enough."
—Laura Kerbey (20:54)

3. The Physical and Emotional Impacts of Masking

• Constant Exhaustion & RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria):
  • Masking leads to deep fatigue, anxiety, and a persistent sense of having “done something wrong.”
  • Laura discusses RSD and its complex, pervasive impact: anxiety, catastrophizing, and the need for relentless self-monitoring (16:34).

"It's a sense that you're constantly in trouble…if your phone rings and it's a number you don't recognize, you think, they're not going to be calling me with good news. They're going to be calling me to say that I've done something wrong."
—Laura Kerbey (16:54)

• Imposter Syndrome:
  • Highly linked to masking and negative self-talk. Even in positions of authority, Laura felt like an outsider waiting to be found out (21:55-23:57).

4. Intersections of ADHD, Autism, and Other Neurotypes

• Siloed Assessments vs. Holistic Understanding:
  • Diagnostic processes are compartmentalized, which misses overlap and nuance (28:40-29:46; 35:41).
  • Laura advocates for a more holistic, inclusive model that allows for self-identification and comprehensive support.

"I just want to be able to say to people, I'm neurodivergent. I shouldn't have to explain what my neurotype is made up of."
—Laura Kerbey (36:16)

5. Curiosity, Impulsivity, & Strengths of Neurodivergent Minds

• ADHD Traits of Justice, Empathy, and Curiosity:
  • Laura notes hyper-empathy and a sense of justice as guiding forces in her teaching and parenting (08:53).
  • Both discuss impulsivity not just as a flaw, but as an expression of curiosity and a learning instinct (13:07-14:51).
• Reframing ADHD as a Difference (Not a Deficit):
  • Despite deficit-focused assessments and support, both advocate for a strengths-based approach and the need to move away from pathologizing language (46:24; 48:00).

"I've achieved so many really positive things in my life because of my adhd, not despite it."
—Laura Kerbey (48:48)

6. Unmasking and Advocacy: Strategies and Impact

• Learning to Recognize and Reduce Masking:
  • Laura shares personal strategies, such as declining events where she’d feel forced to mask, and intentionally building relationships and contexts where she feels truly seen and accepted (54:12-55:12).
  • The process is ongoing—each boundary built increases self-respect and often brings positive responses from others.

"Every time I have advocated for myself and allowed myself to unmask the impact of it, 99% of the time has been really, really positive compared to…the longer term effect of masking and not being authentically me."
—Laura Kerbey (60:27)

• Modeling Authenticity:
  • Laura shares a moving example of her recent book launch, where she openly shared her grief and vulnerability, finding that her authenticity was welcomed and inspiring to others (56:28-61:08).

7. Diagnosis, Self-Identification, and the Rise of Adult ADHD Discourse

• Validation and Self-Diagnosis:
  • Both discuss the “tsunami” of late or self-diagnosed adults, the skepticism it faces, and the importance of validating self-knowledge, especially when existing systems are flawed (29:56; 30:05).
• Social Perceptions and the Need for Curiosity:
  • The episode emphasizes approaching young people’s self-diagnosis with curiosity rather than dismissal, recognizing the struggle behind “seeming fine” (33:20-34:17).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Tangents are always welcome here."
  —Katy Weber (11:11)

• "It's horrible going into work every single day thinking you're going to get caught out. Someone's literally going to march into my school and go, get out. You shouldn't be here."
  —Laura Kerbey (23:25)

• "If you can recognize where you're doing [masking], who you're doing it with, why you're doing it—not just the impact of that, but the reasons that it's happening—try and find ways to, like, remove yourself from that environment."
  —Laura Kerbey (59:26)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Laura's diagnosis journey: 05:14–08:53
• Sense of justice/empathy in ADHD: 08:53–11:11
• The interplay of impulsivity, curiosity, and childhood behaviors: 12:31–14:51
• Discussion of RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria): 16:34–19:50
• Imposter syndrome & masking: 19:57–23:57
• Compartmentalized neurodiversity assessments & the need for a holistic view: 28:40–29:46, 35:41–39:19
• On reframing ADHD from deficit to difference: 46:24–49:51
• Unmasking, advocacy, and authentic living: 54:12–61:08
• Book launch & modeling vulnerability: 56:28–61:08

Further Resources and Guest Links

• Laura’s organizations:
  • PAST: Positive Assessments, Support and Training
  • Kite Therapeutic Learning Services
• Her books:
  • The Kid’s Simple Guide to PDA
  • The Parents and Professionals Simple Guide to PDA
  • The Slightly Distracted Woman’s Guide to Living with an Adult ADHD Diagnosis
• Laura’s Facebook page: Positive Assessment, Support and Training (PAST)

Conclusion

Laura Kerbey’s insights—informed by a rare combination of professional and personal perspectives—highlight both the challenges and the liberating possibilities of adult ADHD diagnosis. The episode normalizes the exhaustion and distress caused by lifelong masking, addresses the ongoing journey of unmasking and self-advocacy, and encourages reframing ADHD as a valid and even valuable neurotype. The conversation is essential listening for those recently diagnosed or supporting loved ones through the journey of understanding adult ADHD and neurodivergence.