Podcast Summary: Women & ADHD

Episode: Unami Magwenzi — Lost passports & cross-cultural divides

Host: Katy Weber
Guest: Unami Magwenzi
Date: January 6, 2025

Overview

This episode features a candid and insightful conversation between host Katy Weber and Unami Magwenzi, a clinical psychologist, pastor, wife, and mother of four. Unami, originally from Botswana and now living in Perth, Australia, shares her late-in-life ADHD diagnosis journey, the ripple effects for her family, and her experiences as a neurodivergent woman across cultures. The discussion explores self-discovery, cross-cultural perceptions of ADHD, challenges in daily functioning, and the path to self-compassion. Both women reflect on reframing neurodivergence outside of shame and societal expectations, particularly for women and people of color.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Unami’s Diagnosis Journey

• Timing & Family Realizations

  • Unami received her official ADHD diagnosis at age 44, just a week prior to the interview ([04:38]).
  • The diagnoses of two of her children prompted her self-reflection. A psychologist told her, “you do realize the fact that two of your kids have ADHD means one of you has it.” Unami initially assumed it was her husband, only for the kids to say, “Of course it’s you, Mom.” ([05:23])
  • Reflecting on lifelong patterns—losing keys, financial disarray, unfinished projects—pushed Unami to seek assessment.

• Relatable ADHD Patterns

  • Overwhelm by basic tasks: “Just things like cooking, things like going to the shops… [school] assignments… I never knew what was due when” ([06:30])
  • Chronic forgetfulness (“I am the one who loses my keys… paying dishonor fees”), finances, starting multiple tasks at once, and never feeling on top of things ([06:30]-[09:46])
  • Professional struggles: Even as a capable psychologist, frequent disorganization, unfinished projects (including taking five years to write a 30-page book), and “multiple versions of the same handbag” ([11:14]-[13:43])

• Shame, Self-Blame & Identity

  • Katy reflects on the internalized shame that accompanies missed tasks, depression, and self-blame before recognizing the ADHD connection ([09:46])
  • Both discuss the profound sense of relief post-diagnosis—naming the problem shifted self-perception from “a me problem” to “a neurological issue” ([10:00]).

ADHD, Culture, and Family Dynamics

• Cross-Cultural Silence and Visibility

  • In Southern Africa, ADHD is rarely discussed or recognized; Unami has only told a handful of family members about her diagnosis ([17:56]-[18:42])
  • Mental health is less pathologized in collectivist societies: “If you say to people, ‘I’ve got ADHD’, they’re like, ‘Oh, okay,’ and then they move on.” ([19:59])

• Raising Neurodivergent Kids Across Cultures

  • Family meetings create space for open dialogue, including ADHD topics ([51:41]).
  • Unami’s children, born in Australia, feel “between cultures”—identifying as both African and Australian.

• Race, Gender & School Systems

  • Katy addresses disparities in how ADHD is interpreted in schools for children of color and girls (“If it is a white boy, the teacher says, ‘Oh, he probably has ADHD.’ If it’s a girl or child of color, they’re sent to the principal’s office.”) ([55:32])

Daily Realities, Humor, and Sensory Life

• Time Blindness

  • Chronic lateness, regardless of when she wakes: “How is it that you were late in dropping the kids? ... Stuff happens” ([24:06])
  • Celebrating small victories like getting kids to school on time ([24:06]-[26:55])

• Lost Passports & Hyperactivity

  • Hilarious and harrowing stories about losing passports—not once but twice—ending up on Interpol’s list, and the chaos of travel with ADHD ([14:44])
  • “My life, there’s always stuff like that happening…That’s just…I think it’s crazy.” — Unami ([17:13])

• Sensory Processing

  • Realization of sensory issues: “I didn’t know about sensory issues… I have to have pillows on my head; only my nose would stick out so I could breathe… I don’t like loud noise.” ([28:31])
  • Katy connects with this: “I never would have said I had sensory issues… I’d suddenly go from being okay to yelling at them and not knowing where that rage came from.” ([30:10])

The Emotional Landscape: Shame, People-Pleasing, Rejection Sensitivity

• Decision Paralysis & Guilt

  • “Decision paralysis is such a big thing for me… My to-do list just never [ends]. Every day I’m adding to it… you think, I don’t even know where to start. Okay, that’s it, I’m going to watch my favorite show.” — Unami ([34:19])
  • Paperwork and organization are overwhelming, despite being high-functioning and industrious outwardly ([34:19]).

• Rejection Sensitivity & People Pleasing

  • Both discuss discovering Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and reframing lifelong people-pleasing as a product of trauma and neurodivergence ([37:14]-[38:29])
  • “I always, I’ve always been a sensitive person… but didn’t have a name for that part of it.” – Unami ([34:19])

ADHD in Professional & Adult Life

• Workplace Misunderstandings

  • Colleagues’ quips (“Yeah, it’s because you’ve got ADHD!”), once perceived as jokes, now seen as signs that others recognized her traits ([06:30])
  • Unami’s impulsivity and difficulty finishing entrepreneurial endeavors, despite an inexhaustible supply of ideas: “With the ideas that I had in my head, I actually need 20 people.” ([59:03]-[60:05])

• The Challenge of Coaching

  • “I stopped working with [my coach] because… I was starting to put pressure on myself to make sure I was being a good student.” — Unami ([38:29])
  • Struggled to accept daily check-ins, felt overwhelmed and self-sabotaged.

• Interoception & Eating

  • ADHD affects hunger and fullness awareness, leading to “lazy eating,” binge cycles, and missing bodily cues: “I don’t know I have a headache until my husband asks me… All those moments where it’s like, we don’t pay attention.” — Katy ([40:38])

Relationships: Partners and Self-Compassion

• Marriage & Mutual Understanding

  • Unami’s husband, an accountant, handles finances. “If you’d left it all up to me, it would have been disastrous. Not because I’m careless… it’s something I can’t explain.” ([47:27])
  • Both partners are processing Unami’s diagnosis, reflecting on decades of unrecognized ADHD patterns ([48:47]).
  • “My husband and I, he’s an introvert; I’m an extrovert. And this oversharing thing, I never knew that’s what it was… I’ll talk to everyone and I’ll tell them everything.” ([49:39])

• Self-Compassion

  • Recognizing and forgiving missed bills, lost items, and daily mishaps as neurological rather than moral failings ([45:32], [47:13])

Naming ADHD & Reframing the Narrative

• Renaming ADHD

  • Unami’s creative idea:
    “Dysregulated Attention and Unsettled Brain Activity. DAUBA.” ([60:49])
  • The name she wishes for: “It’s not your fault.” ([62:00])
  • Katy: “I think we should call it ‘It’s Not Your Fault’—I N Y F!” ([62:57])

• Shedding the Shame

  • “The diagnosis has brought this sense of, oh my goodness, it’s okay to be me—redefining what ‘me’ is.” — Unami ([62:22])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|-------|---------| | [05:23] | “I was absolutely convinced it was my husband...I went home and I said, it’s you. And he’s like, no, it’s you.” | Unami Magwenzi | | [09:46] | “With every one of those behaviors came that shame, right? ... It was always about like the me problem versus, oh, you mean there’s a name for this?” | Katy Weber | | [14:44] | “I ended up on Interpol last year because I lost our passport.” | Unami Magwenzi | | [24:06] | “My husband sometimes says…‘Didn’t you wake up at 5am? How is it that you were late in dropping the kids?’” | Unami Magwenzi | | [34:19] | “Decision paralysis is such a big thing for me… I’m adding to [my to-do list] every day… I don’t even know where to start.” | Unami Magwenzi | | [38:29] | “I was starting to put pressure on myself to make sure I was being a good student.” | Unami Magwenzi | | [47:27] | “20 years this year… my husband, after the diagnosis, he said to me, ‘Wow, so many things make sense now.’” | Unami Magwenzi | | [60:49] | “Dysregulated attention and unsettled brain activity. DAUBA.” | Unami Magwenzi | | [62:00] | “If I had to think about it, I would say they should have called it ‘It’s not your fault.’” | Unami Magwenzi |

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Diagnosis & Family Realization: [04:38] – [06:25]
• Daily Life with ADHD & the Passport Story: [11:14] – [17:42]
• Cultural Perspectives on ADHD: [17:56] – [19:59]
• Time Blindness & Parenting: [24:06] – [29:53]
• Sensory Processing: [28:31] – [30:48]
• Decision Paralysis, Paperwork, & Self-Compassion: [34:19] – [47:13]
• Marriage, Self-Advocacy, and Raising Kids: [47:27] – [55:32]
• Race, Gender, and School Experiences: [55:32] – [58:33]
• Unfinished Projects & Renaming ADHD: [58:33] – [62:22]

Where to Find Unami Magwenzi

• Website: HopeLives Live
• Etsy: Hope Lives Treasures (digital products and courses)
• Focus: Helping women use their gifts and shed the shame, especially Christian women in business, and promoting self-compassion in the ADHD journey ([63:21])

Closing Thought

Unami and Katy’s conversation is a heartfelt exploration of what it means to discover and embrace ADHD late in life, particularly as women navigating cultural, familial, and societal expectations. Their exchange offers not just validation and laughter but also hope, highlighting the power of reframing, shared experience, and compassionate self-understanding.