← Work with Erika Ayers Badan
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Welcome back to work. This is unsolicited advice. This is where we answer all sorts of questions from all sorts of people. Today's questions come from the one and only Work like a Girl Slack. So shout out to the Work like a girl girlies. If you want to join a community of professional women to connect with them on all sorts of topics, get way better answers than you can find from me. Go into my bio, go into my link tree, and you can find Work like a girl and join work. Work, work, work, work. Now work. This question is, how do you handle jealousy from a partner? And how do you handle a grown man loving an entertainer more than his own wife? That second one is funny. There were a lot of guys in my barstool time who were just like obsessed, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed with Dave Portnoy. And I was like, how does that work in your relationship? You're just like at the beck and call on the Internet whenever this guy posts something like how at home. But let's do talk about the jealousy thing for a second. So I think one funny thing I'm seeing a lot of on the Internet and maybe it's just in my feed, is that women are really getting riled up and kind of not coaching one another, but kind of like cheering on one another or making statements about how women should not be expected to be the moms, the wives, the sisters, the maids, the. The cooks, the cleaner for their man. Like, there's a lot of. I don't know if you guys are feeling this, but there's like a lot of energy around this right now. There's someone said the other day that, like, the new gold digger is a man looking for a wife who works. And I think part of it is really true and onto something where there is an emotional imbalance. A lot of times in relationships, I think all types of relationships, not just heterosexual relationships, but in particular in heterosexual relationships. I also think there can be, like, there's changing definitions or changing perceptions on power. You know, like you're seeing the trad wife movement and then you're seeing like the girl boss movement. And like, it's very confusing for everyone. And I think your partner or your spouse and you come to the table with a lot of baggage and possibility, but a lot of perceptions about what women are supposed to do, what men are supposed to do, what women are supposed to take care of, what men are supposed to take care of. Like, in my household, I'm like, women just shouldn't take out the trash. Like, I'm sorry, but like, that's just like, not a woman's job. Now, that's a ridiculous thing to say. And of course I take out the trash. But, like, everybody comes to the table probably from where they grew up and how they. They were raised or what they were exposed to with what the other person is supposed to be doing. I think the most important thing is that you have a relationship of mutual respect, that you have a relationship of love, that you have a relationship with a shared vision and a shared goal for what you're trying to accomplish together. And a lot of times I think couples get lost in that journey. I am not one to give relationship advice, but I do think that if you and your partner have a shared vision of where you're going and a shared belief and in how you're going to get there, and you're checking in with one another along the way, it can make a lot of the resentment or jealousy or bad feeling or disharmony, like, it can make a lot of that stuff go away. And I think that's important. I think if your spouse is jealous that you make more money than your spouse, then I think you gotta call it. You gotta be like, hey, you're acting like you're resentful of what I do, or you're resentful, or you have uncomfortable feelings about the money I make. I think a lot of times, in the absence of a vision and a purpose, it's very easy to get petty on what everybody does or doesn't do every day. And there are more and more women in the workforce. There are more and more women who are earning more than their partners. There are more and more women who are the breadwinners for their families. And that takes a little bit of renegotiation of the stereotypes of who's supposed to do what and what being a man means, or what being a woman means or what being a partner means. So I think it's really good to talk about that stuff, to call it, to put it on the table, to talk about where you're trying to go and how each one of you contributes to getting there. To be honest, I think it's a lot of the same of navigating a relationship with a partner at work or with really anyone about anything. Where are we trying to go? What do I bring to the table? What do you bring to the table? And how are we going to align with one another to do it? Second question comes from my girl, Jersey. Jersey, side note, has gotten me to buy a lot of supplements. She should be in supplement sales. I'm deep into the hair supplements compliment of jersey, so you can tell me if you're watching this, how my hair looks, which is probably not good. Her question is how important is it to calm, to have a calm nervous system when negotiating a salary? I think your nervous system can kind of go like when you're negotiating anything and especially when you're negotiating something for yourself. I was talking to someone this morning and we were having this conversation about why is it so easy to ask for something for someone else, but it is so difficult to ask for something for yourself. That is one of the greatest questions. It's certainly difficult for women especially, but I think also difficult for men too. My big thing is when you're negotiating for a raise or you're negotiating for a job or you're negotiating for anything for yourself, it's best to write down what your a, what I would call your A position is before you go into it. What's your like gold star? I really, really, really, really, really want this. Write those things down, make it clear, write it in a legible handwriting, or have GPT, GPT do it for you and then write what your fallback is. Right? Hey, this is what I really want and I'm going to ask for, but I'd be okay if I end up here. I'd still be really happy. And I think by understanding your, your foot forward position and understanding your fallback position, it actually helps you understand how much room you're willing to negotiate. If there's a big difference between the two, then your ask, your gold star, your big ask might be kind of out there and your fallback position is more reasonable if they're really close together. It means you're, you're actually not willing to negotiate all that much. And I think the most important thing before you go into a negotiation is to know what you are asking for. I think the second thing is know the environment that you're asking in and go into the conversation with empathy, with understanding, with perspective, with information about what the other person wants to do and what they're looking for. Because the better you can position what you want in the context of what they have to give and what they want, the better off you are. And then in terms of calming your nervous system, because you've gotten all of that written down, because you got a good night's sleep, because you're wearing something that's comfortable that you feel good in, because you put yourself in a position when you ask that there's no distractions, you're not Feeling chaotic, you're not feeling stressed, you're not feeling rushed. It can help you be more squared up to the situation. So, like, this is so stupid. But when I'm negotiating or I'm asking for something, I try to sit up straight in my chair. Literally, I try to sit up straight and get my core centered and ready to go. And I know that sounds dumb, but the things that you can do mentally and physically to cue yourself to have a centered, purposeful conversation, the better off you are to do it. The second thing I always do is I always try to figure out the first three things I'm gonna say or the first sentence I'm going to make or utter. And just once you get that the first sentence is sometimes the hardest. And when you get that out of your mouth, everything can flow in a way more easy. And then the third thing is, like, it's the Marsha Brady. Like, imagine everyone in the audience naked. Everyone's too young to know what that is, but shout out, if you watch the Brady Bunch, what's the worst that can happen? You ask, they say no, you're like, screw you, I'm going to leave. Or you ask, they say no, you're like, okay, fine, I'm okay with that. Like, what's the worst? Like, it's such a luxury to be in a position where you're asking for more for yourself. How grateful are you that you're in this position where you can attain more for yourself and there is nothing to be afraid of. And keep repeating that to yourself, because I think that will calm you more than anything else. All right, third question. How do you navigate situations in the workplace where men have inherently easier time connecting to one another because they are guys being dudes. This comes from Casey in the work. Like a girl Slack. All right, I think that's a little presumptuous, which is just because guys are dudes doesn't mean that they actually have an easier time connecting. They just might have a more obvious or superficial way to do it. I think it is not inherently harder for women to connect with people in the workplace than men. I do think when you're a woman and it's all men, it can be harder to connect because you're just naturally different. And in that regard, I wouldn't. I wouldn't disparage the guys. I would just find, like, what is the connection point that you're going to have with them? That makes sense. Like, I remember this when I. When Barstool was part of Penn, like, I was with men. All the time. Like, it was just always. Barstool was kind of always men. The barstool were like, they were my men. So, like, that was a little bit different. But I always, like, I wasn't going to talk about baseball. I hate baseball. Like, I didn't care about baseball. I wasn't going to talk about golf. I don't golf. I hate golf. I wasn't going to talk about craft beers. I don't like craft beers. Like, there was none of that stuff that I was going to talk about. But what I did like to talk about was work. And what I did like to talk about was the future. And what I did like to talk about was what was possible and what we could do together. And sometimes it's okay for just the connection, for the connection to be about the work, not about all the other stuff around work. I think if you're friendly, I think if you look people in the eye, I think if you talk to people like they're human beings, I think if you can listen and engage and be calm and courteous and fun in doing that, it's easy to create a connection with people. But you don't need to love football because you work with all guys and that's what they talk about. Or same if you're a guy working with all girls. Like, you don't have to care about Sephora and makeup or clothing or yoga class or whatever, cooking, whatever. You know, whatever the stereotypes of what men and women are interested in. You don't have to do any of that. I think if you can be yourself at work, if you can be open to other people, if you can be genuinely curious in who they are and what they do, it helps you see people as humans and it helps you make a human connection. And when all else fails, make the connection about work. Now work. So that's it. Thank you for listening to unsolicited advice. You can follow the Work podcast on our substack. You can follow me on Instagram Erica. You can follow me everywhere else at Erica. You can follow Work Like a Girl in our Slack or on our newsletter. And you can watch this anytime you want on YouTube.