Rewriting your story with Allison Sweet Grant

Summary

Worklife with Adam Grant: Episode Summary – Rewriting Your Story with Allison Sweet Grant

Release Date: February 11, 2025

In this compelling episode of Worklife with Adam Grant, hosted by the esteemed organizational psychologist Adam Grant, listeners are invited into an intimate and profound conversation with Allison Sweet Grant, a debut novelist whose candid exploration of personal adversity has resonated deeply with audiences worldwide. This detailed summary captures the essence of their discussion, highlighting key themes, insights, and heartfelt moments that underscore the transformative power of storytelling and authenticity in the workplace and beyond.

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1. Introduction to the Guest and Her Work

Adam Grant opens the episode by introducing Allison Sweet Grant not just as his wife but as the primary writer in their household. He presents her debut novel, I Am the Cage, emphasizing its roots in Allison's personal experiences with a limb discrepancy and the emotional toll of medical interventions during her youth.

Adam Grant [02:42]: "Allison's debut novel, I Am the Cage, was inspired by her experience growing up with a limb discrepancy and the emotional impact of medical intervention to fix it."

2. The Authenticity of I Am the Cage

Allison delves into the raw honesty of her book, discussing the importance of unveiling painful truths rather than sugarcoating them, especially when communicating with children. She shares her belief that embracing and expressing genuine emotions fosters better understanding and resilience.

Allison Sweet Grant [03:23]: "It's so much better to be honest with them. The truth is, some things in life hurt."

Adam echoes this sentiment, highlighting the book's reception and the authenticity that critics like John Green and Booklist have lauded.

Adam Grant [03:38]: "Alison's book is bracingly honest. I found it raw, heartbreaking, and ultimately uplifting."

3. The "Junk Drawer" Metaphor

One of the standout concepts from Allison's book is the metaphor of the "junk drawer," representing the hidden, often negative aspects of oneself that accumulate over time. Allison explains how these internalized experiences and memories can either hinder personal growth or serve as motivators when acknowledged and addressed.

Allison Sweet Grant [13:16]: "The junk drawer is the place where I keep all those files, where I keep all those comments."

Adam relates this to his own experiences, sharing a personal anecdote about overcoming embarrassment and embracing vulnerability.

Adam Grant [14:16]: "That was awful. At the time... But at some point, it hit me that... I decided I'm going to start showing this video to my students..."

4. Navigating Shame and Self-Perception

The conversation delves deep into the complex emotions surrounding shame, especially in the context of physical differences and societal perceptions. Allison discusses the dual layers of shame—both from external judgments and internal battles with self-worth.

Allison Sweet Grant [16:28]: "There's a shame in being told there's something wrong with you... I felt that I caused shame to other people as a result of this problem that I had no control over."

They explore a poignant scene from the book based on Allison's real-life experience of falling in school, highlighting the profound impact of such moments on one's self-esteem and autonomy.

Allison Sweet Grant [17:32]: "Nobody was willing to help me. Nobody wanted to touch me. And it was humiliating and mortifying."

5. Parenting Lessons Derived from Personal Experience

Allison shares invaluable parenting strategies influenced by her own upbringing. She emphasizes the importance of honesty over comforting lies, advocating for open communication that prepares children realistically for life's challenges.

Allison Sweet Grant [23:24]: "It's so much better to be honest with them, let them know that they can come to you with questions and for the truth."

Adam reflects on his initial parenting instincts and acknowledges the profound wisdom Allison brought into their approach, underscoring the significance of fostering kindness and empathy in children.

Adam Grant [25:02]: "I want our kids to know that kindness matters as much or even more than success."

6. The Creative Process and Intrinsic Motivation

The discussion transitions to Allison's journey as a writer, exploring how intrinsic motivation and personal passion fueled the creation of I Am the Cage. She articulates that her writing was not driven by external rewards but by an internal need to express and process her experiences.

Allison Sweet Grant [40:21]: "When you find something that you feel that passionate about, it just comes very organically."

Adam admires Allison's disciplined approach and the deep absorption she exhibited during her writing process, likening it to being "pulled" rather than pushed.

Adam Grant [39:57]: "You were always asleep much earlier than that. Like, why is Alison awake?"

7. Personal Growth and Mental Techniques

Allison introduces effective mental strategies such as "worry time," a designated period to address anxieties, which helps in managing and compartmentalizing stress.

Allison Sweet Grant [37:54]: "When there's something you're feeling anxious about... set aside a designated period of time to focus on those worries."

She also discusses the therapeutic aspects of rewatching familiar movies, likening it to a calming lullaby that provides comfort through familiarity.

Allison Sweet Grant [36:20]: "It's sort of an anxiety reducer. Because you know what's coming... it's calming."

8. Lightning Round: Personal Preferences and Insights

In a light-hearted segment, Adam and Allison engage in a lightning round, revealing personal preferences and quirky opinions. Allison candidly shares her lack of interest in magic, contrasting Adam's enthusiasm for it.

Allison Sweet Grant [29:23]: "I don't see the appeal in magic at all. It's not real, so what is the big deal?"

They also touch upon their favorite authors, with Allison naming Andre Aciman, Tracy Chevalier, and Hanya Yanagihara for their exquisite literary styles.

Allison Sweet Grant [31:16]: "Andre Aciman... Tracy Chevalier... Hanya Yanagihara."

9. Reflections and Future Endeavors

As the episode nears its conclusion, Adam expresses profound pride and admiration for Allison's achievements, highlighting the emotional and personal significance of her book launch. Allison reflects on the challenges faced during the writing process and the unwavering support from Adam that was pivotal in bringing her story to fruition.

Adam Grant [44:00]: "I am incredibly proud of you. This book is extraordinarily beautiful."

They also discuss the potential for Allison to co-host future podcasts, considering her first experience and the differences between a controlled, comfortable setting and the dynamic nature of subsequent episodes.

Allison Sweet Grant [45:31]: "How do I take this really idyllic podcast situation and translate it to the next podcast?"

10. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

The episode wraps up with final reflections on the themes discussed, reinforcing the importance of honesty, vulnerability, and self-expression in both personal and professional realms. Adam encourages listeners to engage with the content and share their perspectives on whether Allison should feature more frequently on the show.

Adam Grant [46:48]: "Rethinkers, if you have a point of view on whether Allison should appear more often, I would love to hear it."

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Key Takeaways:

• Authenticity Matters: Embracing and expressing genuine emotions leads to personal growth and stronger relationships.

• Understanding Shame: Recognizing and addressing layers of shame can liberate individuals from negative self-perceptions.

• Honest Parenting: Open communication with children about life's challenges fosters resilience and trust.

• Intrinsic Motivation: Passion-driven projects yield deeper satisfaction and meaningful outcomes.

• Mental Health Strategies: Techniques like "worry time" and the therapeutic value of familiarity can aid in managing anxiety.

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Notable Quotes:

• Allison Sweet Grant [13:16]: "The junk drawer is the place where I keep all those files, where I keep all those comments."

• Allison Sweet Grant [23:24]: "It's so much better to be honest with them."

• Allison Sweet Grant [37:54]: "When there's something you're feeling anxious about... set aside a designated period of time to focus on those worries."

• Adam Grant [44:00]: "I am incredibly proud of you. This book is extraordinarily beautiful."

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For those intrigued by Allison Sweet Grant's journey and her insightful exploration of personal adversity through literature, I Am the Cage is a must-read. This episode not only sheds light on her creative process but also offers valuable lessons on authenticity, resilience, and the power of honest storytelling.

Transcript

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[Adam Grant]

I can't believe you're doing this.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Aren't you going to welcome me to the show?

[Adam Grant]

Oh, I don't have to do that. You're my wife.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Adam Grant]

Oh, I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Rethinking Alison Sweet Grant, it's my pleasure.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I really traveled 15ft from my office to yours to get here. It's quite an effort.

[Adam Grant]

Hey, everyone, it's Adam Grant. Welcome back to Rethinking my podcast on the science of what makes us tick with the TED Audio Collective. I'm an organizational psychologist, and I'm taking you inside the minds of fascinating people to explore new thoughts and new ways of thinking. I have a special guest today, Alison Sweet Grant, my wife and the real writer in our household. Alison's debut novel, I Am the Cage, was inspired by her experience growing up with a limb discrepancy and the emotional impact of medical intervention to fix it. She delves into themes of identity, agency and control, shame and trust and betrayal.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

It's easy to want to sugarcoat things, right? We don't want our children to be afraid, and we don't want them to be in pain. But the truth is, is that some things in life hurt, right? And it's so much better to be honest with them.

[Adam Grant]

Alison's book is bracingly honest. I found it raw, heartbreaking, and ultimately uplifting. And the advance praise made it clear that I'm not blinded by love. John Green called it brilliant, visceral, beautiful, and triumphant. And in their starred review, Booklist describes it as a moving, powerful work, an outstanding character study with a captivating sparkle. I Am the Cage is available now. Do you know how many times I've tried to get you to appear on my podcast?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I'm not one to promote myself, and so, I mean, I'm a very private person, as you well know. It's a very vulnerable position to just sit on a couch and expect you to ask good and relevant questions.

[Adam Grant]

And do you have that little faith in me after 21 years?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

No. I have no doubt you'll do a good job. It's just, you know, I'm not used to it. I'm not a public figure, so it's a little nerve wracking.

[Adam Grant]

I thought it was going to be a lot of work to get you to agree to do this, but it was way less work to convince you to come on the podcast than it was to get you to write a book.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

That might be true. It took a little bit of convincing.

[Adam Grant]

A little bit. A decade and a half.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And here we are. I think part of your hesitation to put yourself out there is. Is because you're even more introverted than I am. I think part of it, though, also is shyness.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

It just always feels like a lot of pressure, you know, like there Are some people who can talk and talk and talk, and it just comes out of this, like, bottomless. Well, I was explaining it to someone actually, earlier. When I see people who can talk about anything to anything, to me, it looks like they have, like, somebody sitting in a little typewriter inside their head and they're typing and this, like, stream of PA just, like, keeps coming out of them. Right.

[Adam Grant]

I love that image.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

And I don't know how they, like, where do I get somebody like that? Where do I get a little typewriter man sitting inside my head to tell me what to say? I would like that, but I don't have it.

[Adam Grant]

Okay, but a lot of people would throw that back to you and say, how did you pour a whole novel out of your head?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

And a lot of people can't write, so.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

You have a little typewriter. I don't think it's a man. But don't you.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

You know, it feels totally different when I'm formulating words to come out of my fingers versus come out of my mouth.

[Adam Grant]

What's different about it?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I don't know. I remember this group of girls from school that I, like, wanted desperately to be friends with. And I can still, like, hear them laughing and giggling and talking and this musical quality, right. That came out of their conversation. And I remember thinking, how do I fill that space? How can they just sit in this group? And it just flows in this beautiful way, and there's no awkward silences and they all know exactly what to say, and it all sounds so, so perfect. And where does that come from? I always am processing the words that I wish would come more naturally. It's a talent, though. I think if you can talk to anybody about anything, for sure.

[Adam Grant]

But so is being able to write so beautifully and fluidly. And I think you've kind of brushed this off before because you're the worst compliment acceptor I've ever met. By far.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

But is that a compliment?

[Adam Grant]

You've said a lot of times when I've praised I am the Cage, you've said, but of course you're gonna love it. You love me. But I loved your writing before I loved you. I remember it must have been on our. I think it was on our third date. Could have been second date. You told me that you had written more than one novel and no one had ever read them.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Parts of novels like. Yes.

[Adam Grant]

I never heard of someone just writing that way for themselves before.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Stories.

[Adam Grant]

Yeah, yeah. But normally when people write a story, they're writing it to share, right? And you didn't want to share it?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yes.

[Adam Grant]

Why?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Because I wasn't writing it for anybody else. I was just writing it for myself.

[Adam Grant]

It was like journaling, but maybe more like creative self expression, the way, like, people paint without trying to sell a painting.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Sure.

[Adam Grant]

Yeah. I'd never come across that before. I guess I think about writing as such a communicative act. If it's not a journal that it seems like you'd want to put your creative ideas out into the world, but it's not.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Not communicating. I'm communicating with myself in a way. Right.

[Adam Grant]

That's true. I could not be more excited that you finally decided to take all this skill that you've been hiding from the world and share it.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Wow. Thank you. I don't know if it's skill. It's a story, and a story that I really wanted to tell. It was really important to me to put it out there, and I'm just delighted that it finally is.

[Adam Grant]

What was your inspiration for I Am.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

The Cage, So I Am. The Cage is a work of fiction about a young girl who undergoes a very serious and complicated medical procedure in order to correct a congenital limb discrepancy. And the story really is about how she deals with it as she becomes an adult. It is fiction, but it was inspired by my own personal experience with the same diagnosis and undergoing the same treatment when I was 11. I was born with one leg shorter than the other, significantly shorter. And the procedure, which was called the Elizarov procedure, is a external fixator, a metal device that's attached to the leg, and the bones are cut strategically. And then the fixator is used to pull the bones apart over a period of time, and then new bone grows within the cut portions. And essentially the goal at the end of the whole thing is for both limbs to be equal in size and length.

[Adam Grant]

It sounds barbaric.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Well, at least my experience was that it was definitely not fun. Obviously, I can't speak for anybody else, but it was a very arduous and painful experience. It was both physically and emotionally taxing at a really difficult time. That's where the motivation to write it came from, the struggle.

[Adam Grant]

Well, I think you turned something extremely traumatic into a really beautiful story that's gonna move and help a lot of people.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Thank you. I hope so. I mean, that's absolutely. You know, my aim in putting this out there, in talking about it, you know, is to help somebody who might be going, if not through the exact same thing, of course, something similar.

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[Unknown Student]

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[LinkedIn Advertiser]

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[Adam Grant]

Alison I've gotten already so many notes from people who have read early copies of the book complimenting what an incredible writer you are. Some of that I think is they love the poetry and the descriptions of scenery. For me, the best parts are the mic drops. Let's talk about a few of the mic drop sentences that really stuck with me. Okay, maybe my favorite concept in the book is the junk drawer. Can I read you your writing?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

At one point in the book you write, I imagined real me hiding in the back of my mind somewhere in a junk drawer. And every day more junk gets thrown into it. Spare pennies, some post it notes, a snide comment, a judgmental laugh shoving real me to the back.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

The idea of the junk drawer is something that I carried throughout the book. For me, it's like this really deep visual right of a part of us that we all have where we keep the things that we don't want other people to see, maybe that we don't want to see ourselves. Like, I don't know about you, but I can think back to a comment that somebody made when I was a kid. Right. Or a look that somebody gave me, or even maybe something negative that I thought about myself. And it's been filed. And the junk drawer is the place where I keep all those files, where I keep all those comments.

[Adam Grant]

You end up shifting your view of what to do with the contents of the junk drawer over the course of the book. And I think that arc actually paralleled how I've experienced it. I guess my junk drawer for a long time was full of embarrassing memories, which I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from. Remember when Jimmy Kimmel made fun of me?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And I wasn't even on Jimmy Kimmel, but I looked like such a robot on another show that he picked it up.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

That was awful. At the time. I remember never wanting to go on TV again. I'd still rather never go on TV if I could avoid it. But at some point, it hit me that most people just thought it was amusing. They didn't think the fact that I looked like a. A stiff weirdo on TV meant that I was a stiff weirdo all the time. And at some point, I decided I'm going to start showing this video to my students because I want to get comfortable putting it out there and being able to laugh at myself and not be ashamed of the experience.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Everyone has their own junk drawer, and you do with it what you want. Right. It can be a motivator. It can also be something that, you know, keeps you from doing great things.

[Adam Grant]

You wrote about it so powerfully. You said, maybe instead of looking at the junk drawer as this hidden, disgraceful part of me, instead of fearing it as something that can take me over, maybe I can think of it as something that I overcame, something that I conquered.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Mm. Well, I think that's part of the character arc of this story. Right. Like, she starts out feeling very differently about all of the stuff that's been collecting in her junk drawer. And then at the end. Right. There's a different use for it.

[Adam Grant]

I think the act of writing this book was, for you, a way of opening and dumping out some of the contents of the junk drawer.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

100%. Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

The flashbacks to age 11 were based on some things that happened to you that you had never even told anyone.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah. Not only the actual experiences, but my thoughts about them, my feelings about them, and then my feelings about myself as a result of these things that happen. It was all in the junk drawer. And this book really is a physical embodiment of all of that crap that was stuck in there and just bursting to get out.

[Adam Grant]

On that note, you also wrote about the shame of feeling ashamed.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Mm.

[Adam Grant]

What is that?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

There's a shame in being told there's something wrong with you. And then there's this battle within. Right? Like, do I believe this? Do I not believe it? And depending on what I choose to believe, there can be a second second layer of shame. Right? The shame of letting other people define you, not taking charge of your own destiny yourself. It's something that I struggled with, having this difference, being born with a quote unquote defect or abnormality or problem, whatever you want to call it. There were many ways in which I felt shame and which I felt that I caused shame to other people as a result of this problem that I had no control over.

[Adam Grant]

There's a scene in the book that's based on something that you went through when you were in middle school. When you fell in the hallway, you write, then I slung my backpack over my shoulder, gripped my crutches, and continued slowly down the hall, leaving my pencils and my dignity behind me.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

That scene is based upon reality. When I fell in the hallway at school and my crutches slid across the linoleum and I sort of bounced on the ground and my backpack spilled open and a circle of students formed around me, but nobody was willing to help me. Nobody wanted to touch me. And it was humiliating and mortifying. And when you're in that situation, you have no control over how people are looking at you. And on top of that, I had really very little control over my body, let alone what people thought of it. It's a very humbling experience, on top of the lack of agency and control and autonomy.

[Adam Grant]

I remember reading it and wanting to travel back to the past and pick up the pencils.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, that would have been nice.

[Adam Grant]

One of the moments that's really stuck with me from I Am the Cage is when you wrote about suffocation.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

That's actually my favorite chapter in the whole book, the suffocation chapter, because it's so inside the character's head in a way that is almost stream of consciousness. And it really just gives you a peek into not only the frame of mind of this adolescent, but the connection between how she got from where she was at age 11 to where she is at 19.

[Adam Grant]

I thought the distinction you made between the two types of suffocation was really powerful. You said type one is deprivation, where you're missing something good, like air.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And type two is oppression, where you have too much of something bad.

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[Adam Grant]

Like you've ingested something and you can't get the air.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Grant]

Talk to me about that distinction.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

What I was trying to convey was that sometimes in this situation, this traumatic situation. Right. There's not always one right answer. There's not always one right choice. There's not always one specific thing that you're feeling. Sometimes they could be totally polarized from one another. Like the dichotomy of childhood. Wanting to be independent but knowing that you're not quite independent. Right. Wanting to trust your parents and in this situation, the doctors, but maybe not completely being able to. Wanting to have friends, but maybe not these friends. Right. This book is full of so many opposites. And the suffocation chapter is one place where that's really visible.

[Adam Grant]

I was surprised by how much I learned about you that I didn't know reading your novel. And I think maybe this goes back to you being such a private person. But it was heartbreaking to read about all these, you know, these experiences that were informed by what you actually lived and what they could do to an 11 year old. One of the things that I didn't realize you taught me from that experience was that one of my parenting instincts was dead wrong. I remember the first time that, like, we had to explain to our kids that they were gonna get a shot. And my impulse was to say, don't worry, this will only hurt a little.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And he said, no.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Well, of course, like, no parent wants to see their child in pain. Not that routine vaccinations are anything extraordinary, but it's hard. We want to protect our children from everything, but by misleading them or deceiving them. Especially when you can't change the outcome of what's going to happen, it really erodes trust. That's the experience that I had. I was not given a complete or honest picture about what was going to happen to me. When I went through this complicated procedure, and I think it was sugar coated, I knew the basics about what was going to happen, but I didn't understand the extent of how physically painful it was going to be. We don't want our children to be afraid and we don't want them to be in pain. But the truth is, is that some things in life hurt. Right. And it's so much better to be honest with them, let them know that they can come to you with questions and for the truth, as opposed to feeling like you're gonna tell them what they wanna hear, which I think can just be so damaging.

[Adam Grant]

I think culturally it's common and normal for parents to tell white lies to their kids. Like the tooth fairy.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, well, the tooth fairy, like that doesn't hurt anybody. Right. Telling a kid about the tooth fairy. But I think what you're talking about is parents making themselves more comfortable by lying to their kids. Right. So the parent doesn't want to tell the kid. Yes, this shot is going to hurt because they don't want to hurt their kids. Right. But so in order to spare them the discomfort of having to tell their kid that something is going to hurt, they're really just postponing the pain is what they're doing, as opposed to giving their kids the tools to have like a mature emotional reaction.

[Adam Grant]

This is the same mistake that people make every day when they don't tell someone that they have food in their teeth. It's not going to hurt the other person. I'm just avoiding the discomfort of being the one to point it out.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Is that a thing? Like, is there research about that?

[Adam Grant]

People are remarkably hesitant because they don't.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Want to embarrass the other person. They try not to embarrass themselves.

[Adam Grant]

They don't want to feel like they're the one who embarrassed the other person.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And in doing that, they set the other person up for much more embarrassment because now everyone else is going to see the food in their teeth too.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, yeah. That's interesting.

[Adam Grant]

So I loved what you did instead when it came to preparing our kids for a shot.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Telling them the truth. Telling them what it's actually going to feel like. It's going to feel like a pinch or it's going to feel like a poke or whatever it happens to be, because then you follow up with. But hey, like, you can deal with this, right? Like your sister pinches you all the time. It's not going to be any worse than that. Or remember last week when you stubbed your toe? It's not going to be nearly as bad as that, you know, and just giving them something to work with, it takes the fear out of it too.

[Adam Grant]

I think it resonated right away. But you know me, I had to go look up the research and sure enough, you were right.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

What? What was that?

[Adam Grant]

You were right.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Grant]

My instincts were wrong. You were right. You're smart, I'm stupid, you're good looking. I'm not attractive. Gotta throw in a happy Gilmore reference. There's actually a lot of evidence that when parents try to reassure their kids, they don't just postpone the pain, they can actually make it harder.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

Because their kids are completely unprepared. They don't have a realistic preview of what's gonna happen.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right. Well, it is a betrayal. Right. You're coming to the person who you. Who you should be trusting somebody to protect you and be honest with you, and they've deceived you. It's a double whammy of the pain of the poke and then the pain of. Of being deceived.

[Adam Grant]

I want to talk about one of the other parenting lessons that you taught me.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Grant]

Do you remember that. That study where when you asked parents what they wanted most for their kids, they said they wanted their kids to be happy and kind, but when you asked their kids what their parents wanted most for them, their kids said successful.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right. I do remember that. Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

One of the things that was really clear is the messages that parents communicate all the time. Emphasize achievement. Your kid gets home from school. What grade did you get on the math test? You hear about the soccer game? Did you score a goal? What we pay attention to sends a real signal to our kids about what we value. And so I said, I want our kids to know that. That kindness matters as much or even more than success. So we started a weekly dinner conversation where we would ask our kids, who did you help this week?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right. And then who helped you?

[Adam Grant]

That was the surprise for me.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Okay.

[Adam Grant]

I didn't get it at all. Because I thought, look, we want to teach our kids to be givers, not takers.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

And then you said we should ask them who helped them. Why do you want them to be in the receiving position? I want them to be the ones doing for others.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right. But didn't you say, like, there's a few different paths to popularity at school? Right. I want our kids to be friends with the other kids, not with, like, the most popular kid in school or the best dressed or, you know, whatever. I want them to look for the kids that they have a different type of connection with the kids that have a different type of appeal. And I think by asking them who helped you, it really encourages them to look to others in the classroom.

[Adam Grant]

This is. This is Mitch Prinstein. There's the dominance status path, and then there's the likeability, likability.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

Kindness path. And this was a big rethinking moment for me because I realized that by asking them, like, what you taught me in that moment was that when we started asking them regularly, who helped you, we were encouraging them to notice who were the most caring kids as opposed to who are the coolest kids.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I don't know if you remember this. Our middle daughter told us the story about how she was sitting at lunch with a group of girls a number of years ago and she just realized, this is not the group for me. They're not talking about things that I want to talk about. They're not behaving in ways that I'm interested in behaving. And she just literally stood up and walked away, which I told her she could have done that a little bit differently. Yeah, a little more gracefully. But it was pretty amazing to see a kid just realize that these are not the people that I want to be associating with and to have the strength to stand up and make a different choice.

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[Unknown Student]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

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[Adam Grant]

Let'S go to a lightning round. What's a hot Take or unpopular opinion you're excited to defend?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, I don't even need to think about that. I don't think people like magic.

[Adam Grant]

I'm asking all of our listeners right now to back me up on this one. Because the pure joy that people get when they even just find out that I do magic tricks, let alone how fun it is then to do a little impromptu performance and astonish them. Like, people love magic. It's just you. You're an outlier and you're projecting.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I don't see the appeal in magic at all. You know, it's not real, so what is the big deal? I don't get it. When you're sitting there with a deck of cards and you make something disappear or reappear, it's basically saying, look it, I tricked you, and, like, okay, congratulations, you did. I don't know how you did that, but what else is there? Like, I just don't understand.

[Adam Grant]

No, I think so many people get the joy watching a magic show that you get watching a ballet. Right. It's the same, like, the artistry, the aesthetic appeal, and it has the extra element of. And I really want to know how you did it, and I can't figure it out.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

It's like, we all know it's a joke, but you're pretending it's not a joke. But I know it's a joke. Like, I just don't understand what's happening there.

[Adam Grant]

I think there's one point that you've gotten through to me on the magic theme, which is magicians are not cool. What was that? Family Guy?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

There's a hierarchy of entertainers, and magicians are right above mimes and right below ventriloquists, I think. Exactly.

[Adam Grant]

Yes.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, I think that's about right.

[Adam Grant]

It's amazing that you were willing to go out with me despite the fact that I like doing magic tricks.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Well, you didn't tell me that up front.

[Adam Grant]

Who are the authors whose writing you admire the most? Or who are some authors whose writing you especially admire? I think that most people, they read because they love plot and character.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

And you are much more attuned to, like, the literary quality of the prose.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah. Well, I think two people come to mind immediately. The first is Andre Aciman, who wrote Call Me by youy Name, which I think is one of my favorite books ever and surely the. One of the most beautiful books that I've ever read. The second one that comes to mind is Tracy Chevalier, who I've been a fan of for years and years and years. And really describes things in the most beautiful and delicate way. And then there's a third who I've discovered more recently, which is Hanya Yanigihara and her books are like dreamscapes.

[Adam Grant]

Basically, the juxtaposition between your highbrow taste in books and your low brow taste in movies is hilarious.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Look at art is in the eye of the beholder.

[Adam Grant]

And for learning.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right?

[Adam Grant]

Yeah. Okay, what's a question you have for me?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Who would you love to have on your podcast that you haven't been able to have yet?

[Adam Grant]

I'm going to choose thoughtfully here. Okay. I would love to have Simone Biles on Resilience, Tina Fey on creative comedy, Magnus Carlson on strategy. Be really fun to have Stephen King.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

You've kindly invited me to rethink a lot of things over time. What's on your list right now of what you want me to rethink?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, gosh, just one thing you can give me multiple. Well, there was something that I mentioned to you not that long ago that I think you agree it's something you need to be rethinking. Right. And that is that it took me.

[Adam Grant]

A little while, but I came around.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah. And that is that oftentimes when we are in public walking somewhere, like walking from the car to a restaurant or just walking around a park or wherever you are, often 10, 15, 20ft ahead of me. And I hate that.

[Adam Grant]

I was completely oblivious to it when you first mentioned it.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

It hadn't even crossed my mind. I'm on a mission. We're in an airport. I'm trying to get to the gate because I've manage the timing so that we can leave as late as possible and not have to stop walking from the airport to getting right on the plane.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, but I'm not talking about an airport where you're on a mission. I'm talking about, you know, just walking down the street, walking from the car into a building, walking around a museum. Right. You. You don't like to stick by my side. You're always. I'm always staring at the back of your head.

[Adam Grant]

I'm sorry, I feel bad about that. And it just, I think even in those situations, like I'm. I have a destination that I'm going toward and I've failed to realize we're supposed to be going there together in lockstep, side by side. And that's something I am working on improving. And sometimes I'm still not aware of it. And so you have to point it out for me to even notice.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

I Do want to invite you to rethink one aspect of this.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Okay.

[Adam Grant]

If we're taking two cars somewhere.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

Just like we walk at different paces, we also drive at different speeds. And if you're following me, I think it's the person following who's responsible for keeping up. No, because I can't see you all the time, whereas you can see me all the time.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

No. If you're ahead of me, it's your job to. To slow down so that I don't lose you.

[Adam Grant]

No, you're going 14 in a 25.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I'm not going 14. I might be going 20. I'm not going 14. You're going 35.

[Adam Grant]

I'm going 29. This is not one we're going to resolve, but I am fully committed to walking beside you.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Okay.

[Adam Grant]

And I'm just asking if you could drive a little faster. If you're following me, I think you're.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

In the wrong, and I think everyone is going to agree with me.

[Adam Grant]

Okay. If we get feedback that most people are with me, will you concede?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

No, because I'm telling you, this is how fast I'm comfortable going. You need to slow down to. I. It's. It doesn't hurt you to go slower, whereas it's difficult for me to go faster.

[Adam Grant]

That's a good point. Yeah, it just. It doesn't hurt me. It wastes time. But it's only a few minutes.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

It's like two minutes.

[Adam Grant]

True.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Two minutes.

[Adam Grant]

True. Okay, that's a good point. All right, noted. Okay, I want to talk about movies for a second. You rewatch movies more than anyone I've ever met. I can't imagine rewatching a movie unless there's either someone that I'm excited to experience it with, who's never seen it, or if it's so funny that it makes me laugh again. Like, if it's a non comedy rewatching it, I already know what's gonna happen. So what's the point? Help me make sense of this.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Well, I think we've determined it's sort of an anxiety reducer. Right. Because you know what's coming. And so instead of being anxious for the jump scare or whatever it is, you can really enjoy the nuances of the movie or the book or whatever it is that you're consuming. Again, more because you don't have to have your guard up, I guess, so to speak.

[Adam Grant]

That's right. We did come across some research on that, that people who are anxious tend to rewatch movies and shows more.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

The familiarity brings Some comfort.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Absolutely.

[Adam Grant]

This is the difference between us, is it sounds boring to me, but you're not looking for stimulation. You're looking for calm.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah. It's actually the opposite. It's sort of like a lullaby. Right. Like, it's. It's calming.

[Adam Grant]

Oh.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Because you know what's coming. You know what to expect. There's like a lull to it.

[Shopify Advertiser]

Oh.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

This is like listening to music that you know.

[Adam Grant]

Yeah.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

I don't listen to music that often. Right. Sometimes I go months or years without intentionally playing a song, but.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right. It's like singing a song that you know.

[Adam Grant]

Yeah. I almost always go back to songs that I do know.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

It's something that has given me enjoyment or pleasure in some way, and so I'm just recreating that.

[Adam Grant]

I wanted to bring up something else that you taught me about, which I was not aware of the research on, but I think you might have learned about in your original psychiatric training, which is the idea of worry time. This is one of my favorite things.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yes. This is something we use with our kids. Right. When there's.

[Adam Grant]

And sometimes with us, sometimes when we're.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Feeling anxious about something. How to find a designated period of time to focus on those worries, talk about them, express them, and then decide to put them away so that we don't mull on them all day long. And how much this helps with really.

[Adam Grant]

Keeping things in perspective when you start to spin out of control. Being worried about something to say, okay, I'm going to deal with this at worry time. It's like writing something down on a to do list where then you're kind of offloading it from your mental headspace. Exactly. Let's come back to writing.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Okay.

[Adam Grant]

I've seen a different side of you in the last five years since you started working on I Am the Cage. I think before your job was very much a job when you worked. And this has looked much more like a calling.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, it's felt much more like a calling. I mean, I didn't sit down and start writing this book because I was looking for a paycheck or because somebody asked me to. Right. Or I was fulfilling a requirement or something like that. I literally had this story within me that I felt was bursting to get out. And so by sitting down and writing it, it was a relief in many ways. Right. Because I was finally getting it out of myself. Although it was a very long process in many ways, it wasn't, like, long enough. Right. Once you write the book, you can't write the book again.

[Adam Grant]

You've Always been extremely disciplined. But the level of absorption that you had in this process was different than I've ever seen you take on a task before. There were times when I checked my email in the morning and you sent me something at 2 or 3am yeah. Like you're always asleep much earlier than that. Like, why is Alison awake?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

You would drop a movie that you were watching because you had an idea and you would race up to the office. It felt like there was never a moment where you had to push yourself, like you were actually being pulled.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, that's a great way to put it.

[Adam Grant]

Which is like the purest form of intrinsic motivation. And I'm wondering if you have any advice for people who want to start writing or who want to start something creative. How did you find that intrinsic motivation?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

The only reason that I was able to do this project in that way was that I knew what I was writing. It was coming from a deep place within me. I did feel compelled to do it. I think when you find something that you feel that passionate about, it just came very organically. I don't know that I could have written a different story at that time in that way.

[Adam Grant]

Part of what's interesting about that is when you started writing, it was much more memoir like and you were drawing heavily on your own experiences. For the listener who hasn't yet read the book, the main character is on two timelines. She's 19 and she has flashbacks to when she was 11.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

And when you started writing the 11 year old experience, the leg lengthening procedure was very much grounded in what you had lived.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

But then you had to invent this whole storyline that was not writing what you knew. You have a character who took the reins of her life in a way that you. You would have wanted to at 19, but didn't have the opportunity to.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right.

[Adam Grant]

The. The book begins with the main character, Elizabeth, essentially running away. Is that something you wanted to do at some point?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I. I would say, like, escape would probably be a better way to describe it. Right. It was a. Certainly when I was going through this medical procedure, I'd rather be anywhere but there. Right. Don't we all have times in our life where we wish we were anywhere but there? And it felt very natural to expand upon that.

[Adam Grant]

Part of what I found fascinating about it is it seemed like in some ways you invented the world that you thought you should have grown up in. I remember you said to me at some point you thought you were born in the wrong century.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

We kind of joke about this a lot. Right. I think you often do feel that I was born in the wrong century. I mean, apart from the air conditioning. Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

What year do you want to. Do you think you were supposed to?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I don't know. I mean, that's a good question. I feel like the late 1800s, but, like, there's definitely things about that time that I would not have liked. You know, like sanitation. Yeah, I knew you were gonna say that.

[Adam Grant]

Germaphobe alert.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah, for sure. It's the noise nowadays that really gets to me.

[Adam Grant]

Yeah. I didn't connect the dots when you were writing it, but the world that you created for 19 year old Elizabeth escaping to a cabin.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

She lives like it's the late 1800s for a while.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Right, right. With indoor plumbing.

[Unknown Student]

Yes.

[Adam Grant]

What's your biggest fear? Releasing your debut novel.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, my God. How long do you have? I mean, I'm terrified. I am terrified that nobody will read it. I'm terrified that nobody will like it.

[Adam Grant]

And yet, despite those fears, you went forward with it anyway.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

What's your hope?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

My hope is that somebody who's struggling might find a pebble of meaning in the book. You know, that somebody takes something away from it. In writing this story, I was sort of able to rewrite my own. Right. And part of that is being really honest about things that had happened to me that were kept secret for so long. And if part of that is putting it out there so that other people who are going through their own traumas. Right. Know that they're not alone.

[Adam Grant]

Alison, I tell other people this all the time because of your compliment and praise aversion. I don't say it to you very often, but I'm gonna say it now. I am incredibly proud of you. This book is extraordinarily beautiful. I'm not a crier, as you know, and it brought me to tears more times than I can count. My favorite part of this experience in some ways is I'm more excited for your book launch than when I launch a book. And I'm much prouder of you than I ever have been of anything I've written. One, because the quality of your writing is on a different level. But two, it's just been really meaningful to watch you share this story. One sign of true love is when you're prouder of someone else and more excited for someone else than yourself. And I could not feel that more.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

As you know, it was not an easy couple of years writing this book, and nobody was there for me more than you. And it was because of that, because of your presence and your support and encouragement that I was able to do it. So thank you.

[Adam Grant]

So this was your first podcast experience. How was it?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Good. I mean, really? Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

I think you're gonna. You are. You are my most consistent and reliable source of tough love. And I think you're gonna give me a four and a half later, so you might as well do it now.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

I'm not giving you a four and a half. I'm giving you an eight and a half. I'm giving myself a four and a half because I blundered a lot. But here's my question. Like, this is really nice and easy, right? Because all I had to do was walk into the middle of my own office, apparently, and it's very comfortable because I'm in my own house. How do I take this really idyllic podcast situation and translate it to the next podcast? God willing, right? Because it's not going to be the same and I'm not going to have somebody in front of me giving me, like, the easy questions and being really reassuring and considerate and all of those things. It'll be harder.

[Adam Grant]

Just like the writing process, you'll get more comfortable with it as you do more of it. And I've been thinking it would be fun to have a co host on Rethinking, and I think it would be a lot of fun to bring you in to co host some of, if not all, of our conversations. All right, well, Rethinkers, if you have a point of view on whether Allison should appear more often, I would love to hear it.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Oh, my gosh. That's giving a lot of freedom to your audience.

[Adam Grant]

Rethinking is hosted by me, Adam Grant. The show is part of the TED Audio Collective, and this episode was produced and mixed by Cosmic Standard. Our producers are Hannah Kingsley, Ma and Asia Simpson. Our editor is Alejandra Salazar. Our fact checker is Paul Durbin. Original music by Hans DL Siu and Alison Layton Brown. Our team includes Eliza Smith, Jacob Winick, Samaya Adams, Roxanne hi, Lash Ban Chang, Julia Dickerson, Tansika Sungmanivong, and Whitney Pennington Rogers. I'm trying to think of the movies that you rewatch the most.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

National Treasure for sure, definitely.

[Adam Grant]

National Treasure. You've got Male First Daughter and Chasing Liberty.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

First Daughter, Chasing Liberty. Yeah. What else is in that bucket?

[Adam Grant]

A Walk to Remember.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

A walk to Remember. Yeah. Well, those are the fault in our stars, right? I mean, those are all movies that are really warm, right. And they have all the feels. And so watching them is. Yeah, really reassuring. It's like a big hug.

[Adam Grant]

Sometimes they're sad, though. I'll come into the room.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Did someone die?

[Adam Grant]

You're crying. You're like, no, I just rewatched a movie I've seen 32 days.

[Alison Sweet Grant]

No, but that's the thing. You don't cry. Like, how many times can you watch a walker to remember you're not going to cry every time you know what's coming.

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[Alison Sweet Grant]

To make switching to the new Boost.

[Unknown Student]

Mobile risk free, we're offering a 30 day money back guarantee.

[Adam Grant]

So why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T Mobile?

[Unknown Student]

Because you have nothing to lose. Boost Mobile is offering a 30 day money back guarantee.

[Adam Grant]

No, I asked why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T Mobile?

[Alison Sweet Grant]

Wouldn't because you love wasting money as.

[Unknown Student]

A way to punish yourself because your mother never showed you enough love as a child.

[Adam Grant]

Whoa, easy there.

[Unknown Student]

Yeah.

[Adam Grant]

Applies to online activations. Requires port in and autopay. Customers activating in stores may be charged non refundable activation fees.

[Unknown Student]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

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